Hollywood Handbook - Jon Daly, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 23, 2016

Hayes and Sean give tips on a fun hobby of theirs which is gardening. Then JON DALY joins the discussion to write a children's book with the boys.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I don't know, it's just such a... I don't know what to do. Like, this huge fight this morning with Carrie and Moss. She has been saying that I have been doing too many experiments with the ice machine. Oh, please.

That's what it's there for. Making it different colors. Yeah, different shapes, different flavors. Yes, and like the steamy kind. You know that steamy ice? Do I know steamy ice? Who are you talking to, Hayes? I know.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just so shaken up. Because she's yelling at me about my experiments, which some of them have even worked. And I did see her complaining when she had like funny blue ice in her root beer. No, I didn't see it. It's very easy to see in the root beer. No, I didn't see it. It wasn't very easy to see

in the root beer, but... No, yeah. Maybe she should be having a more healthy drink. The wrong drink, yeah. Maybe a Sprite or something healthy.

I've been trying to get her to not drink so much root beer by having funny colored ice inside. Right. So she'll maybe drink a nice Sprite and she can see the ice. for having a Sprite remix.

Maybe I can have some root beer every once in a while. So she's yelling at me about, you know, she's like, what are you even trying to do? I say, I'm trying to figure out a way to defrost that pussy of yours. Which she's like. She must have had a positive reaction to that. No, she was like, why? What do you mean?

You're like, why would working with ice, it's like the opposite of what you mean. If you're trying to defrost something, that would be like for the microwave. But regardless of the method, that's a really positive thing you're talking about doing for someone. So just I mean just having an understanding of

ice would probably give you an understanding of like a frozen pussy. So it's like to me I would think just the thought behind it more so than what you were doing with ice would have her pretty flattered and pretty excited. She destroyed me.

Oh Hayes. She beat me up so bad. Oh, Hayes. She nursed me back to health, and she beat me up again. I see that you're missing one of your shoes. Yes. And it's somewhere else. Yeah, she flipped me upside down. Mm-hmm.

Sort of. Shook the change out of your pocket. Yes. And she had her associate waiting down there to gather my change. No. Johnny Roomba. Yeah. And then a bird that was on the roof sort of took my shoe.

For people who don't know, Carrie Ann Moss has an assistant named Johnny Roomba who's like a small guy who ride around on a little Roomba. He's a thing. No, he's not. No, he's not on a Roomba. He just moves that way. Oh, I see. It looks like he's on a Roomba, but that's just the way he's...

But he's always sucking up things on the floor, like if your change falls out. Yes. But that's just the way he sort of naturally moves around. But anyway, I don't know if he's a human being or some sort of animal, but he's definitely not friendly. So that, I don't know. If I am weird today, it's just like. I don't think you're weird.

I don't think you're weird. Well, just like moving forward today. If I become weird, it's coming from that. Well, keep that in mind. Place. Well, we wanted to talk about something cool. That would be great for me. Oh, actually, first, welcome to Hollywood Hamburg.

It's the entire guy, King Ben Drummond. Thank you. Hallways industry we call showbiz. I would love for you to do it. That's great. Yeah. And so that's our show. I would love for you to do it. That's great. Yeah. And so that's our show.

And we're here. You're here with us listening. Maybe you're in your car. Maybe you're in bed with your wife and her best friend. And they don't know. Oh, yeah. No, it's a huge bed with dividers. So we always encourage that.

What I wanted to talk about is something cool, and I hope Hayes doesn't feel too weird to talk about this, but it's something called the earth. Yes. That is so great to talk about for me today because thinking about different ways to do activities and to relax, but also to be doing something creative and productive and to be safe and not be scared. We talk about using the earth in an interesting way,

not stepping on it. No. And the earth's not just for standing on it, holds you up and that's all it can do yeah the earth if you treat it right will cook your dinner yes and it it takes a long time we're talking of course of herb gardens and i guess you probably knew yes uh haze and i are obsessed and clinically insane for herb gardens, and you could lock us in an institution,

but then you wouldn't get any of these tasty herbs. Yes. Because we have green thumbs and a red-hot passion. And you guys probably say, what, do you guys only do one herb? Actually, we do a whole bunch of different herbs. No, we do four herbs. So to me, people who do one herb are joke. Yeah. Because we've actually found out about four of them. And one of them's dill. So if you just- And if you think you're going to get the other herbs out of us that easy. Please, please.

We're not amateurs. We've been doing this for a while. And what we wanted to do in the interest of trying to help some of you guys maybe make the planet cook you dinner instead of just having it be this place where you stomp around like an ogre. We could teach you how to make plants. Yeah, we'll help you make plants. So find water.

It's in the sink. You got a sink full of this stuff. You might have to sort of jimmy it around a little bit. Yeah. I know we did. But once you get it going, as long as you don't touch anything, it'll keep giving you water. Yes.

So we have, you know, not since we first got it on, we haven't had that problem again. The other step is to buy some dirt. You're going to need it, and you're going to need more than a flat plate's worth. Yes. If you're starting out with dirt on a paper plate, what you're going to find out pretty quickly is

this is not enough dirt. Where to get... They have to get the dirt first. Yeah. It's outside the store. You go into almost any store and there's all the stuff on the shelves for you to buy the shack radio shack yes it's outside the radio shack and so you pick some of it up and

you take that inside and you say how much is this and you put it on the let's talk about another stumbling block we have is all dirt the dirt we're talking about? No, because if you go to the Radio Shack at Venice Beach, some of the sand dirt. It's yellow. It's too yellow. And the plants hate it. They hate the yellow dirt. They're pissed. So you need more than a plate's worth, and it has to be probably the kind of dirt we're picturing is darker.

Yes. Which is more expensive, unfortunately unfortunately then you moosh it up uh and then smish it around uh scoop it squash it uh slam it flip it get messy spin it put it in the uh not what we want to put it in a cup or something. Put the dirt in a cup. Yes. Yes. It was just like a deep plate.

Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just, I take so much for granted. A cup is like if you took a plate and curved it, I almost said around a cup curved it in a shape so it could hold more dirt so now it's

time to find the seeds they were so you bought them and they're so small and so easy to lose yes and one of the mistakes I had we were so excited

to get home with the seeds that we did have a party where we were sort of making it rain. Yes. We did play with the seeds. And we did need to get more, and if you are like us and the stores close by the time you go to get the new seeds, you

can't steal them from a bird. The birds are not going to want you to have their seeds. This might explain the shoe situation. That why he took the shoe. I didn't want to say, but it had to be the same guy, huh? That we took out of his bird feeder. You can get them from a bird.

They're going to have them. And if you see a bird and he's not near seeds, just follow him around a little bit. He's heading for them, these guys. Don't let him see you. They're fiends for it. Oh, yeah, because he's going to try to take you on a whole crazy – Be reading a newspaper. That's why it's called goose chase.

Yes, it should be. Because if the goose sees you, then he'll send you on wild goose chase. It should be secret goose follow. Yeah, you got to sneak up on the goose. And don't do a goose. Too big of bird and- They don't eat that. The seed that they're eating is bread.

Yeah, it's rye bread. So anyway, when you've caught the seeds from the bird and then hopefully you can get away with both shoes, then you're going to need to just cool out for a little bit. Hopefully you can get away with both shoes. Mm-hmm. Then you're going to need to just cool out for a little bit. Let the heat blow over. Don't call anybody. It's good to have a safe house.

Yeah. Hayes and I have a well up in the woods. And we get down in that, mother. Mm-hmm. It's empty. It's, like, dried out. and we get down in that mother. It's empty. It's like dried out and the acoustics are sick. But be quiet. You have to be quiet, unfortunately.

So we'll sort of quietly sing some of the songs that we like in the bottom of the well until we feel like the bird has forgotten our faces. Then it's time to go where the sun can hit the smooshed up seeds, dirt, water. Yes, you've combined all your elements and now you invite the sun. If your house is underground, like your house is. Yeah, well, it's a basement condominium, but yes. And the sun only, you know, there's a window sort of peeking out. Very slim window.

Above the ground, and the sun slips through it about 90 seconds a day. Mm-hmm. What do you do in that situation? Make your own sun. You've got to make up most of that 90 seconds. You don't have a TV. Mm-hmm. So maybe where a TV would normally go is you create a false sun.

And that, in my estimation, is a heat lamp. Now... Which can just be... All lamps are... All lamps are heat lamps If you leave them on for a long time That's what they don't tell you Yeah

So You turn a lamp upside down We've got like a sort of Suspension system hanging this lamp It's a ceiling fan And the Whatever you want to call it You know I don't want to get too technical

It's hanging from a ceiling And the bulb is in the dirt On hot Sort of mushing around the dirt, spinning. And it sort of simulates the way the sun move around in the sky. The planet, yeah. So that is why we have such good herbs, four of them. And for somebody who is gourmand and wants to taste only the finest delicacies, you can have the planet do this for you

if you do these five simple steps. How many did we do? It's different every time. Honestly, it is very different every time we do it. Hey, if you want to count steps, go get a Fitbit. We're not about the number of steps. We're about the simplicity of the instruction and the accuracy and how good it works.

And we have a guest coming up on Hollywood Handbook. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. So I'm making valentines for everyone in my neighborhood. Distributing them in the mailboxes. I get to Ashley Simpson's house. Drop off the Valentine. Her dad comes out.

Uh-oh. And is like, what are you? What's this? This is Joe? Yes. Joe, you know, has, I think, been waiting for me. Right. And so he comes out and is like, what is, what are you doing?

What is this? Because at the time she was a baby. She was like, yeah, a baby. She had just been born. Uh-huh. And this had been an ongoing thing with me, like, giving her presents and stuff. Right. Which is, like, one of the nicest things a neighbor could do. That's what I said.

Yeah. And I was like, everyone's getting a Valentine's Day. These are for everyone in the neighborhood. And he's like, it's not Valentine's Day? I'm like, yeah, because I forgot to do it on Valentine's Day. And he was like, they're not for everyone because you can get one for me. Oh, okay. Right.

Joe, come on. So that's how I know it is coming from a place of jealousy. And if it's for your kid, it is for you. I mean, that's a part of you, Joe. I never see him without him seeing me first, by the way. Do you know what I mean? Like you said, you felt like he was waiting for you. Exactly what you mean.

Yes. It's never. Yes. It's always him like, oh, you know, you felt like he was waiting for you. Exactly what you mean. Yes. It's never, yes. It's always him like, oh, you know, like here I am. Mm-hmm. And it's not like, when I say it's for everyone in the neighborhood, it's for the girls. Yeah, obviously. It's not for the guys. That's for, that is for gay guys to do.

Which, great. It's awesome. I hope they do it. I love that. And I think they should. But I'm just saying like. It's the best. But for you to do that, like now you're on their corner and they'd be justifiably pissed.

That's their stuff. To like rough you up. Giving a boy Valentine's is their thing. Yeah. And for girls who aren't. It does work the same way for girls. Uh-huh. And so the way we resolved it is,

we never really did. I just kept giving the baby presents for every holiday. What up, what up? Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button Dropping Names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

We've done a lot of different things on this show with movies and music and TV and books, and this is one of the books ones. Yeah, so great intro, and what up, what up, and we've done so much with music, movies, TV, we've talked about books, and this one will be more on the books. And we want a great guest to do it with. And a big, huge guest and a funny guest and a smart guest, nice guest. And a nice friend. Who's a nice friend, who's one of our friends, who we like.

Yes. Who we think is good, who's talented and great. And cool. And outside of all that, just is a good guy. Yes. And that's John Daly. John Daly. Hey, guys.

Hey, welcome. How's it going? Oh, so good now that you're here. It's great to be here. Sorry I was late. You know, I was... Were you late? Yeah, I was late.

I was about an hour late there. Really sorry. Is it an hour? I double booked myself. I had this float tank. You had the tank today, huh? Oh, I would never. Oh, you were in the tank.

I had a tank morning and I just felt really floaty. I would never want to interfere with your tank time. Yeah, well, thank you. But yeah, I'm really sorry to waste your time. And yeah, I do the same thing.

Ashley Simpson is a good friend. You also give her the Valentine's for her whole life. Well, I did, but we had a little thing because I mentioned SNL. Don't mention SNL around Ashley. Don't bring it up around Ashley. I was talking about the Keating Five. Oh, the savings and loans?

Yeah. I tried to get into it because I'm optioning a movie. I'm trying to get into it because I'm optioning a movie. I'm trying to. What a rich area. Finally, somebody doing the big short, but different. Yeah, the big short from the other side. From the, yes. Yeah.

It's coming back around. There's two sides to every story. There's two sides, and mine has heroes. The big short side, your side, and the truth. Yeah, exactly. So your thing is. This word shakes out. Is these guys got railroaded. Yeah, it's bull crap. Oh, man. Anyway.. Yeah, exactly. So your thing shakes out. These guys got railroaded.

Yeah, it's bull crap. Oh, man. Anyway. Come on, man. And I hope Money Monster gets some of that taken care of. Yeah, I think it will. I think it will.

And Julia's just so... At this point, she's just lucky to be working. What is she, 58? Get a fucking... Oh, sorry. Can I swear? Fuck you, Julia Roberts.

Okay. No, it is time to retire, and we are sick of it. She's the bad guy in it, right? Yeah. She must be the money monster. That's so obvious. Yeah, she's the monster. She's the monster who keeps wanting money when she's not sexually viable anymore.

Yeah, goodbye. But enough about movies. What about books? Oh, yeah, the book space is really rich. John, that's one thing that you always say to us, and we go, well come on the show and talk about this. Well yeah, I mean

it wasn't until now, yeah I'm just really trying to get into that space, and it's been a really you know, I see so many I'm an actor that does comedy and drama so I can definitely do a heartfelt yet whimsical kind of children's, get in the children's space. And the kids are important,

and the sort of entertainment we feed them is going to result in what they become. Yes. A mastery of comedy and drama is so important to being able to write a children's book. Well, because it's got to teach them story, but it's got to teach them, we like to have fun. Yeah. I'm trying to teach them story, you know, what then? No kids, no story.

They're just like, and then it's a happy ending. Kids are so stupid. So it's a very important thing to just teach them some hard lessons. Let's shake them up a little bit. Yeah, let's shake them up. It's not necessarily a happy ending. Yeah. You know?

And I want to shake my thing up because I've written memoirs, you know, and just the manuscripts are just burning a hole in my basement. But I've never really gotten into the idea that, you know, and I just feel like a memoir is for – Finish Basement? Finish Basement. Oh, yeah, definitely. It's I think, I just, I feel like a memoir is for. Finnish basement? Finnish basement. Oh yeah, definitely. It's a, it's, it's, yeah, it's very Norwegian. Yeah. Mine's kind of got like a little sort of studio corner, but I live in kind of a sick ass like

basement condo. Cool. Yeah. My, my apart, my, my, do you have a house with a name? Well, it's my dad's name is on the lease. What are you? Really? Oh no.

I just live in the house in hollywood hills it's got a name oh right clean lines that's the name clean lines because it's all clean clean lines yeah you can't even see they just like terminate at a point yeah they go so far yeah it's a vanishing point and it actually just vanishes um it's so modern that it is just a hallway. Oh, wow. It's like six hallways. It's so clean. Yeah.

But there's a door and it's great. It's like the girlfriend experience. The kitchen's in the hall. Yeah, it's like the girlfriend experience, essentially, for that great film. So we listened to you. We sort of went down the road on the book stuff. Right.

Read a children's book. Put it in the mail to get the contract. Well, when I was a kid, I was a little advanced. I hate to admit this, and I read a lot of adult books. So I felt like I kind of missed children's books a little bit. Right. And that's an interesting distinction because books like Harry Potter are not actually for just kids. You can be a grown-up and love them as well, and we love to nerd out about that stuff.

And we know you, John, are also a huge, famous fan of the book. And you famously hate being a muggle. I hate being a muggle, and I so much wish that I was a wizard. And I just went to Harry Potterland Studios. Yeah, you got to. And, of course, I went at 7.30 in the morning because it's the only time I can go. And got just led around and went to the castle ride.

Oh, you did the castle ride. Yeah, it was nauseating but exhilarating. What house do we think Brett would have gotten from the friggin' switching hat or whatever? Right, Slytherin. Okay, Hufflepuff.

And Engineer Brett, what house are you? Do you know? switching hat or whatever. Right, Slytherin. Yeah, okay, Hufflepuff. Yeah, definitely. And Engineer Brett, what house are you? Do you know? I think I'm a Hufflepuff. Okay, and is that just the last thing you heard and that's the only reason you said it? Hey, Brett, wake up. No, man. Of course not.

How about Harry's little girlfriend, Herman? She's pretty easy on the eyes. Oh, yes. Dude, I wouldn't mind getting her, going on a date with her. Going on a date. Oh, yeah.

And the big ogre Shrek and Jafar. Yeah, why not? No, I wouldn't date Jafar. Muggle free zone, please. Yeah, Bella. Yeah. Yeah, Bella.

So to me, yes, the thing that we're learning even from talking about this is every book starts with a great character. Yeah. And for a children's book, you probably want the character to be some crazy shit you don't think could talk as talking running around. Oh, like an inanimate object. Okay, you said it, not me. Or a cat or – Or, yes. don't think could talk is talking running around. Oh, like an inanimate object. Okay. You said it, not me. Or a cat or. Or, yes.

How about cats are pretty, cats can, cats are pretty, they can, they're magical and their house and domesticated. Okay. So the cat. Maybe it's a cat. Okay. And it's best friends with a pineapple. Best friends with a pineapple.

Is that too SpongeBob? Okay. Well, great, great. No, we don't want to get into any kind of lawsuit territory. Because then you're in the SpongeBob space. We're always accidentally getting into that space. Well, he lives in a pineapple, so if we... No, no, no.

Pineapple's no good. You're right. Right. Can we do cantaloupe? A cheese grater kind of looks like a pineapple. Oh, wow. And Hayes from left field. Let's do a cheese grater that has the personality of Jennifer Lawrence.

Uh-huh. Oh, wow. And a cat that is kind of a- Very down-to-earth cheese grater. The cat can be a boy, but I like a grumpy cat like Garfield. Okay, well, I hate to say- I was going to say like grumpy cat. Are we now in the world of both grumpy cat and Garfield?

Oh, man. We're not trying to win Webbies here, all right? No. With Grumpy Cat. Let's go into the, yeah, well, they live in a house. This is too muggle for me already. There's no magic happening at all. This is just very domestic.

It's a house. It's a house. It's a cat. Let's call him Grimsby. Okay. I can see that being good. Does he have a brother? Nobody saw that movie, so I feel like we can just do it.

There's a lot to borrow from there. Because the title was not the problem with that film. No, it wasn't. It was a good title. Yeah, we can agree on that. Yeah, but let's call him Grimsby, and he's a little cat. And let's thank Thomas Hayden Church for that. That sounds electric. That kind of ragtag, ruffle-puffle, pardon my French, kind of just slouchy.

And his hair. A slouchian. His real hair on the cat as well. Oh, great. Yeah, Thomas Hayden Church's real hair. Sort of like, meow, guys. Yeah, yeah. And that's great, yeah.

And I think that could really pop with tweens. Tweens love it talking. I remember Benicula when I was a kid. There was a vampire bunny rabbit. Oh, wow. What an interesting pronunciation, Benicula. Benicula, yeah. Well, the animal was a bunny.

It was a bunny. Yeah, it was a bunny rabbit. Remember when he would eat a carrot but it would just turn white? Right, because he'd suck out the carrot juice.

He'd suck out all the orange blood. Right. Bunnicula. What a clever thing. Really one of the many elements that made that book work and why it's still big today.

Harry Potter big. Yeah. Now, one thing I want to do is put a CliffsNotes version of the book that we write before the book in the book so that kids who are doing book that we write before the book in the book.

So that kids who are doing book reports on this book can just spit it out. Or maybe just a book report on the book. We'll do a book report with just blank. It's already fan-made. That's maybe even better because CliffsNotes even leave a little bit too much. And it already has an A-plus on it. It already has A-plus on it. So teacher tried to grade it.

It already has an A- plus. Do we put a diploma in the front of the book? Oh, well, you know, that's up to the states. We gotta leave that up to the states. Okay. Yeah, we can't just put a mandate on that. States rights. You're a big states rights guy. I'm a big states rights guy when it comes to just homosexuality in children's. Government's too big,

huh? Yeah, huge. Huge. Homosexuality, so what about chicks don't want to have their baby? You're just fine with that? Isn't that a state-by-state issue? Oh, no. That should be states.

Yeah. States' rights. I feel like in my favorite states when it comes to that are Mississippi and Alabama. I think they should do whatever they want as long as the state agrees with them. Yeah. But who am I to think I know more than any given state? Than a whole state. That's a lot of people and most of those people you've got to

figure are doctors, lawyers are smarter than... I'm sorry, it's a little thing called humility. Yeah. Look, I'm a pretty smart guy. Like I said, I was advanced, read adult books as a kid. But at the same time, am I smarter than an entire state? No. I mean,

it depends on the state, but no. How many people are in Alaska? Like 40,000 or something? You're probably smarter than an entire state? No. I mean, it depends on the state, but no. No. How many people are in Alaska? Like 40,000 or something? You're probably smarter than everyone there. That's way more than me. But regardless, let's leave these issues to the state. I know what I think.

Gay people should be able to get married. Gay people should be able to get abortions. But I can't take that issue if I'm going to be face-to-face with a state who's being like, no way. And if they're just trying to boil down the number of abortion clinics, then that's just something they need to do, I think. Well, it depends what the

building's going to become. Like, if you're going to make it into like a CB2, then all of a sudden I'm thinking, well, we could have more of those. Or a nice bookstore. We are talking about books, but it's so nice to just walk into a bookstore and smell the books. Don't you love the smell?

I've had girlfriends need an abortion. I've just taken them shopping for Lenny Kravitz furniture before. Instead of getting that abortion. It's not a state mandated thing. We cross state lines and do all kinds of crazy stuff. And the states are invisible, so no one could really tell you what state you're in at any time. This is a thing that gets entrapment if they try to tell you because the lines are actually not something you can see.

Right. Believe me, I know. Kind of like my house. Yes, exactly. So who are you going to believe in terms of what the laws are where you are? Yeah. With the age of the girls. The which, wheres, and whys. Speaking as someone who moved around a lot, I may as well have been holding still.

So I would say, all right, we got this book. Maybe there's a diploma in it. Maybe there's not. There's Grumpy Cat. We should find another phrase for that. Grimsby Cat. Grimsby Cat. Grimsby cat is going,

come on, meow, guys. You know who's really popping in the bankability market? You know who's been bankable for about 40 years, believe it or not? Think about this. Roald Dahl. Oh, yeah. Roald Dahl. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, we should have him. Willy Wonka. We should put his name on the book as the

writer. Well, can you do that? That should be left up to the states, but can we do that? In this state, I feel like you have to be able to. In California. Probably you can't do it in his state, which was like Rhode Island or something. Can we put it in quotes? Put his name in quotes. Because what you're saying is it's a Roald Dahl type book.

Roald Dahl, yeah. And I think it will be. And I think it will be, yeah. Buy's a Roald Dahl type book. Roald Dahl, yeah. And I think it will be. And I think it will be, yeah. Buy-ish Roald Dahl. So what's Roald Dahl? It's stories about a hero. It's the hero's journey, but they go into a giant peach, right? And it's some anti-Semitism.

Right. He hated Jews. Yeah. Right? He did. But in the book, they're like witches or bugs. The twits. Yeah, they're He did. But in the book they're like witches or bugs. The twits. Yeah, they're twits. The twits, that's about Jews, right?

And how they're sneaky. In retrospect, more likely than not. Actually, that's true, yeah. And the witches is about female, presumably Jews. Yeah, that are wow, that's real, that seems like it might be true.

I don't know how much we want to get into that in this book just because of a page count issue. People love it. We can't resist what the market wants. Yeah, he's got some of the most successful children's book of all, so are we going to completely ignore that? Yeah, maybe kids inherently know about it in their mind. And if anyone gets upset, you know, John, really, your name's not on it.

Yeah, it's Roald Dahl. Bi-ish Roald Dahl. And they can yell at his daughter or something. Maybe we say, or whatever. Bi-ish Roald Dahl or whatever. I heard that his daughter's response to his anti-Semitism was her just going like, oh, yeah, there was that. She said that in a very British way, basically negating it. Yeah, what can you say, yeah, there was that. She said that in a very British way, basically negating it.

Yeah, what can you say? Oh, there was that. Well, if his daughter doesn't mind, who am I to be upset? Yeah, she's coming on a pile of money. Now, if a state comes to me, they're pissed off. I got to take another look at this thing. Yeah, Pennsylvania. Uh-oh.

That's a big state. Yeah, the Poconos? Especially one of these swing states. Sure. The more swing in the state, the more I care. If this state's a swinging. Don't bring your thing in. Don't bring your thing in.

Because there's already something going down. You clown. The at-midnight thermos, John. Yeah. I was on at midnight. And this is actually one of the highest quality. There's an X on it. This is a thermostat I've never stopped using since I got it at midnight.

Wow. Swag, swag. I'm on At Midnight quite a bit. They love my jokes and how I look. Yeah, handsome on it. And the points ain't bad either, huh? Points ain't bad. I get a lot of points for that show on that show.

And they give you swag. Sometimes it's Bananagrams, which I've never played, but I've heard it's great. Then they give you a box of cookies that are a little rich. Sorry? Mickey and Crossover Puzzle. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Mickey and Crossover Puzzle.

But yeah, this is a great swag, you know? Yeah, that is nice. I don't do swag a swag, you know? And usually like, I don't do swag a lot, you know? I don't, I'm not just like wearing my, you know, Conan North face and my,

you know, I'm never done Conan. Don't stop there. Your Cristella pants. Like my Chris. Yeah. My Cristella pants. Yeah.

My undateable hat. I'm not necessarily. Yeah. I'm not necessarily coming in here with my life in pieces scarf wrapped around my neck. Yeah, yeah. But that's not to say I don't have that option. Yeah, I do have that option. I could wear all swag, but what would I wear for shoes?

Nobody's giving out swag shoes these days because you have to have a specific size. Grab some earwool shoes off the wall. There's like four engineer Cody shoes you could put on. Oh, wow. Cool. I love all these vans. So is that something just like taking inspiration from the bottle as I do is like, is that something part of the journey for this cat?

Right. Is to potentially compete on at midnight? Yeah. And that's a great multi-time loser on at midnight. Right. Something for the adults to enjoy too. Well, you know what? The whole thing could start with him saying something racially or sexually inappropriate on At Midnight.

And somehow it doesn't get past the censors and it explodes. Let's say he's on with two of the best At Midnight guests, Ron Funches and Nikki Glaser. So they're like premier guests. Good luck getting any points off of those two. Yeah, well, they're likable and hilarious. So it's just a matter of what are you going to bring to the table at that point? And so there's a cat there, and they're just messing up on a lot of the – cats don't have that much perspective on comedy, blah, blah, blah.

No, no. They're sort of running around. I've got a quick pitch just because I feel like the talking cheese grater has fallen out of the story a little bit. Yeah. Maybe the talking cheese grater is in talks to negotiate a hashtag peace treaty. Right. And the war is once and for all.

Both sides can't seem to agree. But there's a ticking clock on that. Right, right. Because if the cheese grater can get that accomplished before Grimby, and I guess the cheese grater's name would be... And we should be casting the cheese grater as well, I feel like. How about Robert? Adam?

Robert? Okay, Robert. Yeah, I was... Cheese grater named Robert. I like that. That's a solid American name. Or not. You know, I'm a blue skies, blue skies. No, I like that. That's a solid American name. Or not. You know, I'm a Blue Skies.

Blue Skies. No, no, no. It does feel like Sean is, you know, he's pretending that he likes it, but it does seem to have ruffled his feathers a little bit. Yeah, I see that hesitation. But, you know, Blue Skies on that name. Let's forget about that. Let's come back to the Cheese Grater name.

Put a pin in the name. Pin in the name. Cheese Grater. He's trying to negotiate. And if he can get the peace treaty signed in time, he could potentially save Grimsby the Cat from having his racially insensitive comments. I like Jesse Plemons for the Cheese Grater. I like Jesse Plemons for the Cheese Grater, too.

He's good in everything. And he and Thomas Hayden Church, I think, would really bounce off each other really well. That's a great dynamic. Yeah, the two of them. Right. Just back up, Get out of the way Jesse Plemons for the cheese grater And then can we get Leto in there?

Leto Jared Leto Can he be a girl? I would be scared I would be scared Really? Too edgy? Since he's been infected with the Joker's persona

He's embraced chaos for its own sake And basically taken it to an extent that no one ever dreamed of before. So two anarchy. Maybe the specter of Leto could be... Well, okay, you're right. We might get halfway through the book thinking that Leto's going to be a good little boy and that's exactly what he wanted. And then he suddenly rips the book up from the inside out.

Yeah, oh, that's cool. It's Babadook style. So the war that's going on you're talking about, remind me, this is... Oh, the hashtag war. Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking more of a Dr. Sujan kind of butter battle, where the main war that's going on in the world

is a butter battle, where some people butter their bread on the top side and some on the bottom side. I'm open to it, John. But also, where would the hashtag fit into that? Maybe it's one of those toasters where you can put a hashtag on your toaster, John. Yeah, but also where would the hashtag fit into that? Maybe it's one of those toasters where you can put a hashtag on your toaster, maybe an at midnight symbol.

Oh, wow. Yeah. One slot is an at midnight symbol and the other side is a hashtag. And then your toast is so fun. You're eating your favorite show. You're eating a part of your favorite show. Toast points. Toast points. Oh,

my God. Whoa, whoa. We're on fire. Are we running this down? This book, and you hear Brett, you're getting all this, right? This book's coming out really well. Can we get this back, Brett? Toast points. Can you run this back to us real quick, Brett? Am I supposed to be writing this?

And the host is Brad Criswick, right? Because Brad Criswick, it's a bread-based hashtag war, and the schwag they give you is they're going to be toast. So, yeah, definitely, definitely good. Yeah, you need bread in the first name, and then you do need somewhere to put the Chris. Yeah. You need bread in the first name, but you need the first name in the last name.

Brett Criswick. And then you – it's pretty clear that's – yeah, it's pretty clear. But it's still a stand-in. And so this is all – the backdrop is the specter of the butter battle. We got to – and this is – but there should be some harsh punishment if you lose at midnight in this world. That makes a little more sense. Like you're deleted from Twitter. You have to delete your account. That's the punishment.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Where's your voice now? You have no voice. You're relegated to Snapchat or something. Right. Snapchat. The past, clearly. Clearly not the future.

So Grimsby, I guess we come in, and he's getting obliterated by Ron Pontius and Nikki Glaser, and his punishment is that he has to delete his account. But gleefully obliterated by gleeful fun. It's like being stabbed by a fucking clown. They're playing with their food. Yeah, it's like evil. Yeah.

Evil glee. Yeah, he's the mouse in the cat and mouse sort of traditional scenario. Unusual position for him. Right. So we're on like page 30. Uh-huh. Right, so what's the big twister? Yeah.

What's the twist? Well, let's go back to our story structure lessons, which is if and therefore. Okay, so here we go. Now we got something going on. Back up. Wait a second. All right. Backfire. Twist. Solution. Solution applied. Button. Climax. Problem. Denim on. So where are we in this? We definitely have something going on already. Have we backed it up? I think we've backed it up.

I think we may have even solved it, but we haven't applied our solution. Do we believe it? Should we back end this and write it backwards like Trumbo used to do? Trumbo has always started with the denouement, and then he'd go to the climax, and then he'd go to the back it up, and then he'd go to denouement, and then he'd go to the climax, and then he'd go to the back it up, and then he'd go to the prove it, and then he'd go to the back.

And then, eventually, you get to that inciting incident. Yeah, we might have to Trumbo this bitch. I don't want to complicate it. And he missed his own birthday. Trumbo? Because he was writing too much in the tub. With a Dumbo. Yeah, who misses their own birthday? Communists.

Communists don't care about anything, especially holidays. Here's the thing. He talked like a radical, but he lived like a rich person. Anybody else feel that? Yeah, you can have your cake and eat it too when you're living at the Garden of Allah out on

fucking Las Iñigo with Ronald Reagan and his cocksucking wife Nancy You need it too when you're living at the Garden of Allah out on fucking, you know, La Cienega with Ronald Reagan and his cocksucking wife Nancy or whatever. Cocksucking Queen of Hollywood. Nancy or something? Yeah, who cares? Yeah, Hugh Nancy or something. Yeah, it was just a big Zodiac orgy back then.

I think Louis C.K. in that movie is the saddest movie, Death. Agree or disagree? Didn't see it. Haven't seen it. Too scared of the big sad? How did he die? I had heard I might cry. in that movie is the saddest movie, death. Agree or disagree? Didn't see it. Haven't seen it. Too scared of it being sad? How did he die? I had heard I might cry. How did he die?

Was he a communist? Got sick. He got sick? With what? I don't really know. Polio? Sick from a bullet. Yeah, back then, probably.

Sick from a wound. Yeah. Bullet wound. God. He lost, how much is he in the hole? C.K. Louis? CK. Yeah. Horace and Pete. Horace and Pete's got CK in the hole and

Kanye's in the hole 53 mil. Bill. Or am I late to the party on that? Because I haven't tweeted in a while. We're behind on it. We're behind. Yeah. We've been scared to address it. It's been on our list for a long time. Sort of certain words get whispered around our house, you know?

Right, yeah. Our voices become hushed and then you have to... Because you're almost wishing it upon yourself. Because I can wake up tomorrow, I accidentally make Horace and Pete. Yeah. On your website. There's not a single one of us who hasn't almost made Horace and Pete.

Yeah, sort of a night out. Many times over. Night out on the town. Wake up the next morning. Think I had a little too much Horace and Pete. Yeah, drank a little too much Horace and Pete. Well, let me get some hair of the dog. I'll make four more episodes out of pocket. Now turn around.

One shot. The whole series is one shot. First just a little Horace and Pete to go to sleep. But your tolerance builds up and you need even more Horace and Pete to go to sleep. Yeah. But your tolerance builds up and you need even more Horace and Pete just to feel normal. Yeah. Porous and heat.

That's how I felt about my skin after this float tank this morning. Oh, brother. What did you see in there? It does make it very porous. Where'd you go? A place called Float. What was it called? Just Float.

Just Float. Hey, truth in advertising. Yeah, Just Float. Just Float. Truth in advertising. Yeah, Just Float. That's what you do and you shut it all off and that's when stories really pop into my mind. Oh, right. So you've already seen what Grimsby ends up being. Yeah, I mean I've seen it. I just have to

divine it. So anyway, here we are. We got this backdrop of the bread wars. We got bread Chris Wick. So what's the big – what's the turn? We need a – Yeah, we're missing the turn.

At this point, he's a muggle, right? He's still a muggle, which is pissing me off a little. So is there a train that comes past Hollywood Studios where Midnight is filmed? Hollywood Studios, where At Midnight is filmed. Is Chris Hardwick some kind of, you know, rendezvous guy? Is he a guy that, you know, should he do the cat and just like, don't worry about Funches and Glazer. Come with me.

You know, and he kind of delivers him. Right, take him onto the secret train. At his darkest hour. So, okay. So Grimsby's been annihilated. Right. Funches turned this guy into a fucking grease spot on the middle of the stage. Funches now owns the internet, rules the throne next to his queen, Nikki Glaser, who balled up Grimsby Cat and dunked him like a basketball, shattered the backboard.

Grimsby's bathed in red light. If you know anything about cats, they don't like bathing. Yep. Yes. Yeah. And so Grimsby starts following a little laser pointer he sees on the floor. Right. Bart Coleman walks by going, hey, can we do something for the Snapchat?

But he just disappears. Right, right, right. Famous at midnight booker, Bart Coleman. Yeah. do something for the snapchat but he just disappears right right right famous at midnight booker buck yeah and and so grimsby uh you know almost gets stepped on by bart coleman following the laser pointer which is mean to do your cats by the way because they never get the satisfaction of catching it uh it's psychologically damaging you shouldn't do it. So ultimately arriving in this sort of grain elevator, going like, how do I get in here? And Brad Criswick pulls the lever.

Yeah. They're dropped into some subterranean world. Boom. Boom. That's good. That's how we get away from the Harry Potter stuff because that is on top of the earth. And now this special wizard world will be inside. on top of the earth and now this special wizard world

will be inside. Is that some kind of bread nerdist's world? Or it has nothing to do with bread... Bread Criswick? Bread Criswick at all. It's not bread? Well, it's a grain elevator. Right, that is true.

But that just means... Yeah, so it's Willy Wonka, but it's all breads. There's trees that are growing pumpernickel. There are flowers that are toast points. There are hashtags everywhere, but it's all bread. There's the Dutch Crunch River. Yeah.

Yeah. There's the white bread waterfall of just bread. That's great. And flour. That's great. Yes. The grass is bread. What about squaw And flour. That's great. Yes. The grass is bread. What about squaw bread? Okay, well,

what do you mean? Is that unleavened? What do you mean? Yeah, that's a bread. Squaw bread? Is that a joke about me being one-eighth Native American? Is that supposed to be about Sean's wife? That's not where I was going with that.

I was just bringing diversity. I just was bringing diversity. I just wanted to say one way we can make this slightly anti-Semitic is with unleavened bread. Oh, okay. If there's a tree in the corner. And there are like rats eating it. There's like a matzo zone or whatever. A matzo zone.

And then we can meet a character that's kind of like the Oompa Loompa. and then we could meet a character that's kind of like the Oompa Loompa. What if there was like a Cinderella type character who lived in the matzo zone? She was mozzarella. Mozzarella. That is more, well, that might be problem. Well, it can be Jewish as well.

It's the best idea I've heard today. If you remember the movie with that famous clown. Yeah. Yentl was originally called mozzarella, right? So, okay. So this is a rich world we're filling in. I love that we didn't box ourselves into one story. No.

I think this is page 90. Yeah, it's sprawling. But it's moving. We're already in the world. And so within this world, there has to be some sort of wizard school. Oh, yeah. That's right. We'd be fools not to. We did forget the wizard school. Yeah, because what's more fun

than that? Yeah. Wizard school stuff. Is there any way to innovate on the wizard school? What if it's like a for-profit wizard school? Right. Like a for-profit wizard school like a for-profit online half online half but like when you show up you take a picture with bread chriswick uh like but you go once you go one time it's a fold up yes it's one of those fat heads of chris bread chriswick and you

just get in front of it yeah and and and your graduation actually puts you in worse standing in the world. Yes, it hurts you, and it costs you a lot of money. It's a hashtag against you. And you learn, like, one card trick, but it's where you make people count a lot. Like, you're like, okay, there's 14 cards over here. All right, give it back. No, wait, you did it wrong. And you blame the other person a lot for why the trick's not working.

It's a very blaming card trick where you just shame people for not knowing the trick. No, wait, no, I told you don't turn it over. You have to. And so it's sort of that. Yeah. Just so there is some magic involved. Right. Yeah, that's a good amount of magic.

To me, it's enough. Because now kids don't like magic. You know, these Batman things, it's like, no, take the magic out of Batman. Make it hardcore. Let's get real. Let's get gritty. Nolan.

Is Nolan directing this book? No, I want Burton. Who's the next Nolan? Burton. Burton. Batman and Superman were better when the guys were like little elves that like appeared out of nowhere and were just like taunting them and stuff. Yeah.

And put them in like a hall of mirrors and things like that. Right. You know, like Mr. Meskiblix. Yeah. Mr. Meskiblix. You had to say his name. And yeah. More bad guys should be like Rumpelstiltskin in comics and not so actually scary.

I'm just confused about Rumpelstiltskin. He didn't have to offer that deal. No. That's kind of a sweetheart deal. This is one of your... But he wants to have friends. This is one of your things. No, I'm just saying.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have brought up Rumpelstiltskin. What do you mean one of my things? I just know it's like a real sore point for you. It's a real plot hole. That Rumpelstiltskin didn't have to offer. People hold it up like it's some great story. That Rumpelstiltskin had all the cards. That's right. Who named him Rumpelstiltskin,

okay? Did he name himself that? That's another hole in it where it's like he doesn't appear to have parents. Yeah, guess my name. And he could have honestly, she didn't know what his name was and when she did guess it, he could have honestly she didn't know what his name was and when she did guess he could have honestly just been like no

right cause she didn't know she says Rumpelstiltskin that's her first guess no and didn't it make him like turn into smoke

it makes him able to suck his own dick for 10 minutes oh wow well that aspect of the story I forgot yeah

well that and then there's it does turn into gold right his dick something does yeah but that's all made up too he's blasting gold it's all made up Yeah, well that, and then there's, it does turn into gold. Right. His dick? Something does. Yeah. But that's all made up too.

He's blasting gold. It's all made up. Yeah, and also the troll bridge and all that stuff, they didn't have to do it. Yeah. Don't do it. It's all made up. Yeah, think about it, guys. Hansel and Gretel, hey, don't do it.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't follow your woodcutter father. Take a beat. Yeah. Take a beat. Yeah. Take a beat. Think about it. Put a pin in it like we're singing.

And by that same token, I mean, is there a lesson for Grimsby somehow? Well, the lesson he's learning, he's just on a life adventure now. At this point, he's in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory that is bread. Yes. And he's not supposed to eat the bread, but that's okay because it's not something. He's a cat. He hates bread. Oh, yeah. He's a cat. He hates bread. Oh, yeah.

He can't eat a bit of it. And honestly, a lot of it's got gluten. Ready? Yeah, there should be a gluten thing that gets him out of the chocolate factory, the bread factory. Augustus gluten. Good. Yeah. Augustus gluten.

Can we stop for a second and just think about What is a lesson Just so we know where we're headed What is a lesson we wish today's children Would learn or were more aware of Is it just about states rights And kind of drilling that home At an early age Or is it something outside

Is there something that happened to you as a kid Where you go I wish I knew better than this I want to say if you fuck up once, the internet will destroy you. That's the lesson I want these kids to learn. And that's just and that's right. Yeah. That's street justice, baby. Yeah.

So watch what red carpets you are in blackface on. That's the main thing I want to impart to kids is like, if you're on the right carpet, like let's say you're Manny from modern family. Okay. Don't do blackface or even like that half ass blackface that Julianne Huff, Julianna Huff. Yeah. That's like not even like,

and also if you're going to do it, like put some time and do it. Like since you only get one. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's part of the lesson. Do a real Al Jolson movie level job if you're going to do it or else people will be like

you're lazy and racist can I say if you're going to do it work on the voice yeah do the voice what are you going to do you're a picture this is the age of moving pictures I think we've been in this age since the late 20s

yeah I seem to recall that happening a little while back. This book should be, yes, for Manny specifically. If we could get Manny to read this book, for the book on tape, that would be huge. That is tomorrow's industry leaders. That's Manny.

It's Manny. I don't want to see a hard copy or a paperback of this book. It's an MP3. This book is a thumb drive. Okay, a whimsical looking I don't want to see a hard copy or a paperback of this book. It's an MP3. This book is a thumb drive, okay? A whimsical-looking thumb drive that we give to parents and they share it with their kids. Is that stupid? Yeah, it could look like – Is that stupid?

What could be whimsical about it? Is it stupid? It could like – Of course. Yeah. Is it stupid? It could look like an actual thumb. It could paint like a real thumb on it.

That's cool. It's got a mouth and stuff. Yeah. It's like Steve actual thumb. We could paint a real thumb on it. That's cool. It's got a mouth and stuff. Like Steve Odekirk movies. Like Kung Pao Enter the Fist. Remember? Yes. I saw that. Kids today do need to learn about public shaming.

They need to learn about... I would like some kind of message about how if you buy a child alcohol, it's like the child. It's the child's responsibility not to like drink the alcohol. Or to go too crazy. It's not like it's not the adult's fault. Yes. For like just like giving you this thing. I'm buying it for you to hold until you can handle it.

No one's making you drink it. That's not on me. And if the child's Ashley Simpson, okay, whatever. A gift is a gift. Have you seen her lately? She's not a child anymore. She's all growed up. Oh yeah, all woman. She's popping out all over the place.

It's like springtime for us. I know, it's such a bummer. No, it is. Is she OJ's daughter or is she – where does she come from? I think she is – Yeah. And what's her connection to Bart as well? She had that blonde connection, right?

Yes. They were both blonde. She does kind of look more like Bart. Or no, she's not blonde. No, she's not. Not at all. Yeah. look or no she's not more like bart um no she's not not at all yeah well she'll probably never do her music on snl again that can be for sure oh yeah and the savings alone well that was a thing

well i see i didn't even know i'm sitting here monologuing on my anti big short thing i'm trying to like just negate the big short let's undo some of the work that did. Yeah, we did your side of the story. So you know they had Margot Robbie in that bathtub. So what are you looking to do? I've got Robbie Williams in that bathtub. And he's describing it in his kind of cool pop star way. Yes.

How we shouldn't regulate. And it's kind of a libertarian, ultra libertarian movie. The ego has landed. Hey, is he in Trumbo's tub? Oh, that could be good. Wow. Is that interesting? Yeah, Robin Williams in a very small tub.

Yeah, he could be in Trumbo's tub. And Trumbo's Breaking Bad, right? So it's like they could be on any drug, and so that's a justification for any behavior. So that's a really cool little out for us. Yeah, no, that's sort of our magic lamp. That's our magic lamp. Yeah, that's a very clean sort of story outlet.

Him being in Trumbo's tub and the fact that Trumbo's breaking bad really opens up a lot. Yeah, it really is. Because what's in that water? You can just see it. And I feel like this is a ripcord. This isn't a story arc. This is a story sine wave.

Yes. This is a wave that goes down, up, around. The Coen brothers would be proud. Yeah, like a sine wave just goes all over the place. Right. It's a crazy squiggle. Just insanity. It place right crazy squiggle just insanity squiggle yeah insanity i feel like this is gonna be for kids of all ages yes well because i'm a big kid at heart yeah i forgot to mention we want to have some of that slick rowling jokes for the adults like she would have like overtly sexual descriptions of Hermione, right? And that's why Hermione is so hot now.

Yes. Just for, yes. Her name is Herman, but yes. Right. Herman, sorry. She'd be like, Herman's about to pop off. Yeah. She's 17, but she looks like she's in her twenties.

And the kids are like, whoa. Yeah. She wouldn't get carded anywhere. Yeah. Cause kids are little perverted pieces of garbage. When I was a kid, all I thought about was a pussy. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You know. I was just dealing with my thing. Yeah, I was just like experimenting with different ways to make myself come. And with a book, especially, like with a sexy book, you take the side of the book and you sort of go down on it when you're a kid. That's what you do. Oh, yeah. Right. And if you can turn the pages without moving your head.

Remember that book, Fuck This Book? Yeah. Yeah. There's a monster at the end of Fuck This Book. Yeah, with Grover and everything. That was great. Yeah, that was some counterculture. All right. So we got the foreword that's just a mini version of the book.

We started in Garfield's house, and it's Grimsby, and the cheese grater is Robert. We got a pin in that, but Sean needs to decide. Okay. He gets picked up by BLS Limousine Service, and he gets taken to see Bart Coleman. Does Robbie Williams step on Robert being the name of the cheese grater? Does Robbie—oh, you know what?

Well, he is not—Robbie Williams is not in this book. Oh, sorry. Sean gets his way. Robbie Williams is in John's SNL movie. Two Robs in this? Yeah, I mean, well, that's—it just depends. It just depends. Oh, are we not—I'm sorry.

I thought the SNL movie was sort of one in the same. Oh, that's shot out as far as I, I thought you rapped on that. We rapped. Yes. We're rapped. No room for a book to be. That's where Robbie Williams is in Trumbo's tub, and he's also Breaking Bad, so that allows him to do any drug. Yeah, Trumbo, yeah, Breaking Bad of it all will help us to just go anywhere.

Yes. Trumbo, Breaking Bad of it all will help us to just go anywhere. Yes. Anyway, I want to start this movie by being directed, or this book should just be directed by Burton first. He shouldn't do a redo of it like he did with Alice in Wonderland. He took that beautiful movie of a book and made it into what it was. I just want to streamline it to Burton. Burton off the top, straight to Burton.

What's Burton's take on Bart Coleman? Burton's take on Bart Coleman. How does Burton view that? More like Bat Coleman. Burton. Okay, and that might be right. Because he would make it spooktacular. I want Johnny Depp involved.

Yes. And I want Marilyn Manson just because I want to hang out with Manson. So lots of white makeup, I guess, is what you have in mind. Yeah, white makeup, everything's on a white psych. You know what a white psych is? Like they shoot those target commercials. Well, that'll make the blackface scene hit even harder. Yeah, yeah.

When Manny finally, or Grimsby, but it's Manny. Okay, so right now we're in this bread wonderland. What are we going to do? What's the... That's right. I mean, I feel like it's a race to the finish. The denouement, we're hurtling towards it. It seems like a race to the finish at this stage.

Right. It's a mousetrap type. What's that movie, Mouse Run? Mouse Hunt. Mouse Hunt. Yeah, it's kind of a mouse hunt thing with different celebrities that we could plug in to just come into the midpoint of the movie. Right, but we've just got to get them all in now, I guess. Right, so Ricky Gervais is big.

Huge. Special correspondence. Yeah. Can he get away from, like, some of the Verizon stuff he's been doing is very edgy. Right. And is Hollywood going to accept that? Is he going to be allowed

to be in this movie? I'd like it to have funding. It might be because he's taking out the Golden Globes, he's teasing his buddies, but when he goes into Verizon and he's basically saying, look, some of these guys on these other companies, who by the way, these are big multi-million dollar companies, are lying to you.

One of them said they were four times better. We said, oh, yeah, four times better than what? They said, well, four times better than we used to be. And he's like, if your tagline is you're four times better and you're not the best, then you should just say not as rubbish as we used to be. Do you remember when he said that? He said not as rubbish.

Yeah, he's like, that's what your tagline should be. And he's saying that, and I think he's talking about Sprint, maybe he's saying that Sprint should have a tagline, not as rubbish as we used to be. This is a big company. It's over. I'm sorry,

but I just don't think we're going to be able to get him on camera and still get funding for this movie. Now it's brave as fuck. I'm glad somebody is out there to be that voice. Yeah. Well, you know what he's up against? The spokesman for Sprint

is many colored balls. You know? So he's at least a spokesman. He can be like, look what they say. Many colored balls. Come on. Look at me. I'm crucified because I don't care about the Christ

myth because it's all hokum. He's mad at God for sure. He's mad at God for making him a billionaire. Unbelievably wealthy. Smarter than all of us. Religion. He's basically, he should just say, I'm smarter than all Christians. And then hang light off a cliff.

Right? So that's a cool part of the movie. Yeah. Maybe he comes in and gives his take on stand-up, like he explains to Chris Rock what stand-up is or something. Oh, yeah. I like that about him, too. Could be cool.

He paid his dues in that world. Not as rubbish as he used to be. Not as rubbish as he used to be. Look at me, Pearl. I'm the worst. He's not the worst. He's great. He's made some very good stuff.

Here's what I love. The Office. Here's what I love. Extras. I didn't watch the other ones, but I'm sure they're probably good. Probably. Yeah. So now do we just run the book backwards from where it is at this point?

So they're in the bread world, and now they're taking out trains going backwards out of the bread world. We just press rewind on the book? Yes. Yeah, and then Gervais, as Derek, comes in, fully underbite. That we could get away with. If he's being Derek, nobody could be mad. That's cute.

Who's going to be mad at Derek? It's like being mad at Dustin Hoffman as Rain Man. Even Sprint got to give it up for Derek. Yeah, they're not going to throw colored balls at him. It's like being mad at Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man. Even Sprint got to give it up for Derek. Yeah, they're not going to throw colored balls at him. So then Derek

comes in. Hey, I got you. Hey, I got you. I imagine he's like this. Hey, I got your pudding.

You have my pudding. You get some nummy, nummy grubbins. And then he lures him away with a promise of dessert. Now,

this guy's been in a bread desert for days. His mouth is all goopy. His mouth is all goopy and gluteny, and there's not a whole lot of water in there. And so he's dying for some dessert. He's got to mix it up, just to mix it up. Sure. Paints a picture. Derek Gervais, Ricky with Grimsby, and the cheese grater, Robert, possibly.

We will – he takes them out. He takes them out, right? And he's got to say, do you want to go back to the real world or do you want to stay here in the magic world as a non-muggle? Because at this point, he should be some sort of magical cat. He can't be a muggle anymore. I think it's just assumed that at some point in the bread world he stopped being a muggle.

Maybe he learned an issue. He ate the magic toast or whatever. Yeah, he finally got so hungry he took a bite of the... Magic is bread, right? Some funkernickel. And then he becomes like one of the musicians of Bremen you know like the bunny and the cat

they're brilliant musicians in Germany that's right he should become one of the musicians of Bremen for sure well we need that element we need that classic super classic ultra story that's like the Shakespeare of children's books classical music

that you can just do new pictures of. Yeah, Mozart in the jungle style. Yeah, like a Mozart. Yeah. Yeah. So, and were you going to say that Ricky Gervais says Derek puts a gun to the back of the cat's head? Yeah. That's interesting.

And he's got a cat penis, so it's barbed. Oh, right. And what the cat could do is then do a flip and stick his barbed penis through Gervais as Derek's face. Hey, you know who else? Hitting his brain and making him non-retarded. You know who else's penis is barbed? Who? George Bush.

Senior, right? Yeah. You know who else's penis is barbed? Who? George Bush. Senior, right? Yeah. Sorry. His penis gets barbed about every night. Jeez. Things getting barbed like crazy. I know who she's endorsing.

Husband's dick. Not Trump. I don't want to get political. Yeah. We don't like to. It's not the kind of show for keep at this juncture. Wouldn't be prudent. Love Dana. Can we get Dana?

Is Dana doing something? He's one of these Sam Fran guys. Dana, Brad Criswick. Dana could play Brad Criswick. We should offer this to actual Chris Hardwick. Yeah. And then when he says

yes, say, never mind. Right? Oh, that's what we want. Yeah, we're sort of like... And then if he says yes, say a word again, we're abandoning that. Yeah yeah we're sort of like and then if he says yes say word again we're abandoning that yeah we're saying actually forget it we go oh right dude we were kidding dude you actually you thought like we like wanted oh my god oh my god oh i'm so sorry i thought you knew we were like yeah fucking kidding yeah so we just like gaslight him he's like such a nice guy he's a nice guy you know it's really funny too yeah we gaslight him. He's such a nice guy. He is a nice guy. You know?

It's really funny too. Yeah. We gaslight him because we're just abusive. Well, that seems right. Yeah. We're meninists. Yes. Again, it's all about just teaching lessons.

How do we actually, how do we teach like a really important lesson about acceptance? The film? And being woke. Being like a woke man. Being woke. Well, every character. Oh, yeah. Every character in this book. Grimmsby's woke. Being like a woke man. Sure, being woke. Well, I feel like these guys should be woke. Every character in this book is a man and they should all be like woke men.

Yes, Grimsby's woke as fuck. Wait, at some point, they should be like, where are the women? And then they just start looking at pictures of women. Right? That's great. Yeah. Or we introduce a female character. I think they should be looking at pictures of women. Right? That's great. Yeah.

Or we introduce a female character. I think they should be looking at the picture. I like the pictures thing. Picture-wise, just for the budget, that's going to be easier. Yeah, because women, well, women do make 77%. Is it 77? I know, but it's feeling like that's not. I feel like I'm going there. I don't want to go there.

I love women. Oh, gosh. And not. I feel like I'm going there. I don't want to go there. I love women. And men. Oh, gosh, yeah. And men. Oh, I'm crazy for women. Men are better, but I love them. They're unbelievable. They're doing amazing things.

They're unbelievable. The fact that they are doing all they can with what they're working with. Yeah, some of the stuff they're doing is tripping me up. And look at Mary Leakey. She's way better than Louis Leakey at anthropology. Uh-huh. Yeah, she kicks hisakey. She's way better than Louis Leakey at anthropology. Uh-huh. Yeah, she kicks his fucking ass. She's kicking his ass.

Look at Leakey Lee versus Jason Lee. Look at Marie Curie versus the other fucking dude she kicks ass on. Dude, dude, kicked his ass. She's ripping shit.

Now, dude was a pussy, dude sucks. Dude sucks. There's probably dudes who would have, in that same scenario, been able to

sign circles around her. Albert Einstein. Yeah, maybe. Well, and so, yeah, that's, yeah, kind of a smart guy. Anyway, we need to make it clear that they are woke bays in how they tweet. If we're not going to have, so they can have, they can look at pictures of women online and be like, oh my God, doesn't she look beautiful? Like old, slightly old, aging women like your Julia Roberts. They can be like, my god doesn't she look beautiful like old slightly older aging women like your julia roberts they can be like you know what she who we now are deciding good

that she's still in movies yeah and they could be like i'd still fuck her hey i'd still fuck her hey man you know hey fucking is it a problem three holes don't she yeah yeah at least so is it bad that grisby cat isn't is that the conflict that he's not on Twitter anymore? So he, like, because he was banned because he lost. So he can't even be woke. He has no way to be woke. That's so, dude, you're the master of connecting. Yes, that is. Oh, gosh.

Conflict is king. And where's my crown, baby? And that's where Burton is going to be involved. Like, so excited to be involved in this because he's the master of just aesthetic twists. At this point, if he doesn't have a Twitter, he's going to have to start buying some bot followers. He's going to have to start a new Twitter. He's an egg. He's got to be an egg.

He's got to start from scratch. He's got to start from scratch and just start. But if you start – Try to sit on him. He's got to start from scratch and just start. But if you start... But here's the thing, if you're just aggressively woke and just write things, people will be suspects, so he's got to write some jokes too. Some woke jokes.

It sucks that Leto is just completely joker-ified his entire existence. I know, because he could be really woke as a woman. Well, ever since he played the friggin... I don't know what the word is for them. It might be too much good. It might be like having dessert for dinner and dessert for dessert.

And your belly hurts. Ouch. Does it even out that you do something so good as play a woman and then you have to bring yourself back to earth by being the worst thing you can possibly be, which is the Joker. Yeah, who is addicted to chaos and only aroused by energy. He wants to do a world burn. And the thing is, chaos is fine if there's a purpose to it,

but it's actually for its own sake that he wants it. Yeah, I mean, you look at Leto and you can just hear the... Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, gosh. I wake up in a cold sweat hearing him going, just going, why are you being so serious?

Stay away from me. You're so serious. Yeah. I'm not serious. Oh, no. I wasn't being that serious. That candy cane is a knife. That candy cane is a knife.

That's what it comes down to for the Joker most of the time around Christmas. Oh no. You thought it was fun. It's a knife. I thought I was going to eat a peppermint treat. You thought this was a clan thing. It's a knife. You're dead. Anyway. That Reese's peanut butter cup is a ninja star.

Yeah. Guys, I think Did we finish it? Yeah. Feels like we cracked it. I think... You think the book's done? Did we finish it? Yeah. Well... Feels like we cracked it. I think, yeah, we might have... We are out of pages for sure. Yes, we're out of pages. Do we want to just do some acknowledgements and maybe a quick about the author?

Yeah. I don't know what that is, but... Yeah. What's an acknowledgement? It's just a fancy word for library. Acknowledgements, I guess if we don't do Engineer Brett, it's going to be a whole thing. Producer Brett.

Thank you, thank you. Adam Sachs, CEO. We are using his studio. You pressed record real good over there, dude. Thanks. I actually didn't even think he did that good of a job. There's no ceremony to it. There's nothing special about it.

There's no, like, you know, am I supposed to, like, really get it up for, like, the way he pushes record, which is just like, here we go. Yeah, back in the early days, the magic days of early radio, they'd go, and they go! It was a real big ceremony for it.

Yeah. And we remember, like, even when we were first doing podcasts, it would be, like, the engineer would do a little song and be like, we're ready, we're ready, we're ready. Guys, for jokes, we forgot to name the book.

Oh, wow. This is a really huge problem. I'm talking title. That's a big issue. We got the story. Yeah. Obviously, because we're story. I mean, I grew up with comic books.

I don't know about you guys, but stories in my bones. John, you don't know about us, guys. John, I didn't know that about you. Yeah, I grew up with comic books. Stories in my bones. Wow. We're not trying to beat you up. The ones from the store with the staples?

Yes, the staples. I'm talking Dark Knight series. Oh, my God. I'm talking with Dory. Green Man and the Power Fighter? Are you kidding me? Yeah, these Marvel people need to be coming to me. I was loving that.

Oh, God. I was such a nerd, and I love that nerds are king now. I still read one. I have. Yeah, I love that nerds are king, too. It's so great. And I love that their favorite thing is superheroes. Yes, that's my favorite part of it as well.

Especially Deadpool, the merc with a mouth. He's got a little bit of toot, and he's not going to be afraid. A little bit. We also forgot the title, and we forgot to have Deadpool invade the book. Maybe we could call— Wait, did we forget the title, or did we title it? I forget. Does Deadpool just invade the title?

Does Deadpool invade the title? Is it like a Deadpool presents kind of thing? Or like, do we start? Deadpool presents is a great way to start. Or, but if he's invading it, if it's like the story of Grimsby the cat and the dot, dot, dot, hey, it's me, Deadpool. Yeah. I bet you thought you were going to hear the rest of this book title.

Well, the only book I'm interested in is jerking off tonight or the only title the only title I'm interested in because it looks like Tiddles if you are just reading it does look like Tiddles it's the Tiddles on Kate Upton oh right

Kate Upton can she be in our book or the movie god I feel like she's so hot they're definitely looking at pictures of her You know? Kate Upton. Her bra. Can she be in our book or the movie? God, I feel like she's so hot. They're definitely looking at pictures of her. She's like the hot Margot Robbie. Or are they both hot? I don't know. That's really not for me to decide.

That's a Gervais question. I'm always forgetting. He'd be like, Oh, they're both quite charming birds. Okay, so that's a good... We got rid of the title and Deadpool. That's two birds, one stone. Deadpool presents...

Yeah, that's good. I don't remember what the title was, but that's fine. Can you tell me... The title was The Story of the Cat and dot, dot, dot. Hey, it's me, Deadpool. Bet you thought you were going to hear the rest of this title but the only title i'm interested in is the titles in uh kate upton's bra right thank you yes hey this is the story of the cat and hey what's up it's me deadpool that's so good and then yeah i mean it just yeah and there's this should be just a picture of kids

and adults are both having fun there There's a double image of Deadpool and then you tilt the book and there's a cat. Yeah. Can you eat it up? This book? Is it thick enough to eat out? Oh, you want to chow it like a box? Chow it like a nana?

Yeah, we could do that. Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. It should be warm. A lot of these Yeah, we could do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah, man. It should be warm. A lot of these books, they're so cold. Yeah, it's true. And sharp. Yes, and sharp.

Stiff, sharp, cold. This is not what we want from our book. We want a nice, plush, warm, welcoming book. Yeah, and something I can take in the bath as well. Oh, it has to be ready for the... It has to be ready for the bath or for a saltwater pool. Yeah, it should be one of those

floaty plastic books. But a lot of pages, it's like 120 very thick pages that are like balloons. And speaking of merch, we should have some merch in the book, like a CD of secrets. Yeah, some merch with a...

The merch with a mouth, yeah. The merch with a mouth. The merch with a mouth, yeah. The merch with a mouth. Maybe it's a mask with a mouth. It's the merch with a mouth. Somebody stop me. Or not. I don't know. You guys.

Somebody stop me. So can we set up a meeting with somebody's pod or something? Can we just pitch this? You don't want to do it out of Wolf Cool? Wolf Cool? Yeah, that's our shingle. Oh, cool. Yeah, no. don't want to do it out of Wolf Cool? Wolf Cool? Yeah, that's our shingle. Oh, cool. Yeah, no, of course I'll do it out of Wolf Cool. Remember when they tried to do Wolf Pop?

Well, this is, yeah. Is that not happening anymore? Nah. Is it Wolf Cool now? Okay. Well, yeah, that wound up being the one that survived. We started ours around the same time as theirs. Coincidentally, we had been working on it. It just so happens that ours is alive. Right. Wolf Cool.

Was defeated. Wolves are cool. But they also pop. Yeah, it's pretty good titles on both ends. Yeah, they're both. They both work. It's just a matter of the content. Okay, so this was a meeting where we did, so essentially I was hoping for a pitch meeting. This was the meeting.

This was the meeting and the publication we'll send Brett off and he'll hopefully have this book turned around in the next couple days and then it's just a matter of like we could probably manufacture this book as Foxconn or something like that

sure make it really cheap I don't know get the guy they have special guys there with three finger like thumb middle finger and pinky yeah and because the like the other one so they don't get all like tied up as they're making the the the pages the other fingers is extra fingers yeah they remove them when they're children it's not like they're feeling it it's like being forced no it's not like they lose them as adults and they miss them. There's no like phantom pain.

Yeah. They're just lobsters need them. So here's the ones that you actually use. Can you believe the audacity of these people to still commit suicide or try to, they got caught in our circus nets. That to me, yes. Trapeze nets that we put outside.

That to me, the suicide attempt is like the just hubris yeah rob you're so important yeah rob hubris rob hubris bye hollywood handbook is brought to you by wolf cool productionsctions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby.