Hollywood Handbook - Jon Gabrus, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Sean and Hayes address some fan feedback and announce some more Notscar winners. Friend of the show and Guy Code regular JON GABRUS joins the guys to discuss emotions in movies, side chicks, and viral videos. Then, the Popcorn Gallery delves into controversial topics like The Da Vinci Code, the Nerdist podcast, Pellegrino, MTV, and who to avoid at Oscar after-parties.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm in front of the mirror and I'm applying my clown makeup before the show. And Hugh Jackman puts his hand on my shoulder. And he's like, can you help me put my makeup on too? And I was like, you were going to lose that hand, hue? I mean, where does he find the audacity? Hollywood Handbook. Hey, what up, what up? What up, what up?

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. I'm Hayes Davenport. I'm here with Sean Clements. Start the show, I guess, by serving ourselves a big bowl of humble pie. Yeah, or even put it on a plate, you know, depending on the consistency of the humble pie or how long it's been out of the oven. It's a little runny. It sometimes is a little runny. If it's runny or if you're doing it a la mode, let's just get a bowl.

I don't like to use a lot of sugar. is a little runny. If it's runny or if you're doing it a la mode, let's just get a bowl. I don't like to use a lot of sugar. And so, we're gonna eat the humble pie and we've decided what receptacle to use. And we have to eat it because

this is a bit of a follow-up. We did a segment a few weeks back called Aunt Wrong that was very good and very funny, but had some problems that we didn't see at the time. A few episodes ago, we addressed some of our critics on iTunes who gave us one-star reviews, and we at least tried to explain to them why they were wrong and why the show is actually very good and it's funny and it's a nice show. And while all those one-star reviews remain wrong,

we have to doff our caps to a gentleman named Tim Pearson, who's going to be the star of our first Eh, Right segment. I wanted to say Eh, Wrong when I started reading his thing, but I re-listened to our segment and I re-read his post and realized that he was actually ain't right

and he's ain't right Tim Pearson wrote to our Facebook page which you can do everybody hop on Facebook and send us a message on the page

if you've got constructive feedback like Tim does we want to hear it this was a personal message just to Sean and I uh and not to the whole team which uh which we appreciated because it is so perceptive uh it could have really done like he probably just didn't want to do any damage to our reputation

well he puts it on the forums that That forum's a ghost town the next day because people are going to sort of see the paint starting to chip on some of what we've been selling them. But we're, you know, we've come this far in this industry because we're honest and we... Because we're honest

and because we're willing to learn and grow. And you're never... You're never too old to learn something new. And Scoop Troop, that's one that you may want to get laminated because you're going to need to keep that tip for quite some time. Tim writes, Come on, guys, dot, dot, dot.

And it seems like that might be meant to be a subject, but you can't really do a subject on Facebook messages, so it's more of a title of the post come on and i almost think it's come on guys i've been an avid listener for about a year very impressive time frame to say you've been an avid listener for shill's only been out for about four months i think it's possible that he means he is an avid listener generally. Yeah, up until about 18 months ago, he was talking rather than listening, and he's finally taken the cotton balls out of his ears and he's shoved them in his mouth. He's a student of listening, though.

That's right. For about a year. And he's going to prove it. I stumbled upon episode 18. I like when our avid listeners stumble upon episodes of our show. It further underscores that he might not be an avid listener of our show, because he seems to be finding them by accident. Yes, he seemed to have literally tripped and fell and mashed his keyboard. And then when he stood up, iTunes was playing episode 18,

which is not how most avid listeners get to episode 18, but Tim's a unique talent. I stumbled upon episode 18 and the negative feedback you guys read on the air. So he stumbled upon the episode and also the stuff that was in it. And they negative feedback. And they negative feedback. That's, yes. We read on the air. I can understand you guys being upset at people saying it's a boring podcast with the two of you just making inside jokes, etc.

It happens. I hate to keep stopping down like this, but I do want to talk about that sentence. Sure. I can understand you guys being upset and people saying it's a boring podcast with the two of you. So he can see both sides of it. One side being that the podcast is bad and the other being that our feelings are hurt by that. Yeah, you could remove either piece. He could say, I can understand you guys being upset,

but you pull that out. I can understand people saying it's a boring podcast. It happens. It happens. Not every show is exciting every day. So take the bad, he says, it happens. Not every show is exciting every day. So take the bad with the good.

And is that, is that for all of us? Yeah, who's he saying saying not every show is exciting every day he it feels like he's saying that to us as if we were upset about our show our own show being bad and we should be more accepting of our bad shows because sometimes our shows are good and we weren't really we weren't willing to just take it right that makes sense thank you tim writes but when defending yourself against the feedback you guys didn't give any reasons at all all you said was we are funny and this is a good podcast. That's not an argument. The feedback stated examples, but you guys just replied with, no, you are wrong. Worst debate ever. The lack of

intelligence, self-defense anger me. And I turned it off. It took under a minute for me to turn on you guys. I felt bad, but you really gave no reason why the feedback was wrong. All you did was say, no, sir, we are funny, so there. No, apostrophe, S-U-H. Ain't right. Ain't right. Unfortunately, this guy's ain't right about us. When we went back and listened to it, there were a lot of great examples in the iTunes reviews of why the show wasn't good. For example, it was boring.

It was boring. It was not funny. It was not funny. These guys aren't funny. It shouldn't be an Earwolf podcast. I'm surprised it's an Earwolf podcast. It's boring and rude. It's rude.

All of those were pretty specific examples of what they didn't like. And so for us to say, no, you're wrong, that's the worst debate ever. And it really was the worst debate ever, looking back on it. Well, half the debaters didn't even show up. I mean, can you imagine if the presidential debate was just Al Gore is just reading something that George Bush wrote on a message board and going like, I don't think so. Not me. And I certainly wouldn't listen to it. That's part of the reason.

Even if I was an avid listener. That's part of the reason he lost. And we hopefully are going to be able to have a more satisfying debate this time and respond with some more specific examples. So, you say the lack of intelligent self-defense anger me and I turned it off. Well, what about this for intelligent self-defense? We're not just funny, we're smart. And that's part of what makes a show so good. And instead of turning it off, you should turn it on.

Because it is so good. Because it's so funny, smart, and good. And it's really fun to listen to. And it's a nice show. It's a nice show that people like. And you said that it took under a minute for you to turn on us. Well, you should have taken longer, and you really shouldn't have done it at all. Yeah, you shouldn't have turned on us, and you should have taken five or even ten minutes to just listen to it and just not be mad.

And you say that all we did was say, no, sir, we are funny, so there. And we did say that because we are, sir we are funny so there and we did say that because we are and we are funny and yes sir we appreciate the feedback but at the same time hey think about it this is a really funny good podcast so tim we hope you stumble upon this episode as well. And we hope you listen avidly. Maybe for a whole year. Now, we're going to be putting Tim's message in full up on the forums for everybody to read and... To start the debate.

To keep the debate going. We don't want this debate to be one-sided. We've obviously thrown some haymakers in terms of arguing these points. But we're sticking it out there and letting you guys chime in. Is it funny and good, or is it just smart and funny? You know, that's going to be the thing we want to find out. Well, two days ago was the Oscars. And when we're recording this, we haven't not watched yet.

But we won't be watching. But on Tuesday, when you're listening to us, we didn't watch. We will have been not watching the following day from today, which is tomorrow. And here's the reason why we don't watch that show. Art is not a competition. Why would art be a competition? It's not baseball. You're not trying to do it the fastest.

What are you trying to get done first? You're not throwing a ball or hitting a bat. There are no points. You're not keeping score or have a glove on. There's not even, there are fans. There's fans, I guess, but there's no home play and there's no

big art stadium. Right. Well, the Milwaukee Brewers isn't an art team. No, that's true. Nor are the Padres. So, to me, it seems like when people try to make art a competition, they're really trying to make art baseball. Baseball's baseball.

But art is really something that is intangible and so rich and layered that trying to evaluate different pieces of art on the same scales, not just comparing apples and oranges, it's comparing watermelons and an angry gorilla. It's true. And to imagine giving a watermelon and an angry gorilla a prize for best movie, it doesn't, like, why would you do that? Neither one of those is a movie. No, it's, no, exactly, exactly.

And that's the problem with what the Oscars have become. So what we like to do is provide a counterpoint to the Oscars. Instead of celebrating the people who tried to turn art into baseball. And yes, tried to make it a big business like baseball. We prefer to celebrate the people who in the past year opted out of the competition and did not get nominated for anything. In fact, didn't make any movies at all. Ultimately didn't make movies because they didn't want to participate in a corrupt system. Hayes and I haven't had the guts to do that.

And man, we're admitting a lot of stuff about ourselves today that's maybe negative. I like to think we're trying to do it from the inside, which is another way to make a difference. It's another way to change the system. But ultimately, when we're putting out movies and they're making fuck loads of cash and we're swimming in it aren't we a little bit part of the problem we're trying to make movies that don't make as much money and just tell truths but everybody wants to see our shit it's people i like to think of it as uh there's a people chipping away outside the walls, outside the walls, trying to knock the walls down, chipping away with little screwdrivers.

And we're on the inside tossing food over to them because they get hungry. They get so tired doing that. And, yeah, maybe we're going like, there's a drawbridge over there. It might fall open a little later. If you want to go make out behind that tree over there, maybe we're making out with them.

So without further ado. Because they're strong. They get really strong from doing all the picking. Oh, yeah. If you're chipping away with a screwdriver, you're going to get shredded. And it seems like it would be nice to, I don't know, maybe make out with. Hey, look.

I mean, what is this? Is Tim going to send me another message about this? It's like, I'm a human man. Yeah, we're just a couple normal. At the end of the day, it's nature. At the end of the day, we put our underpants on one pair at a time like everybody else. Now, let's go to the Notskrs. That's the name of our counterpoint awards show that we're doing right now where we give out prizes to the truly deserving artists who made art by just not doing it at all.

And that's the best kind. art by just not doing it at all and that's the best kind so the first notscar category outstanding achievement and not making a movie and the nominees are lyle menendez uh rube goldberg truffaut Goldberg, Truffaut, Annika Sorenstam, Kevin Smith, and Michelle Wee. And the winner is... Let me get the envelope open. Lyle Menendez! Congratulations! Especially considering that his brother uh robert uh yeah uh robert or kyle menendez kyle is it kyle and lyle anyway the other menendez we don't learn his name because

he's out there making movies yes he sold out uh and he made a a couple movies this year yes and uh pacific rim yep pacific rim lego movie and so for us we couldn't really give him an oscar and it's all the more impressive that i'm sure he was in lyle's ear all the time because they might even share a bunk in prison going like hey i got this really cool project bubbling like we've got some good talent attached and lyle's just gotta go no i'm too brave and principled i'm just gonna stay in jail thank you very much. Yeah, for killing my parents. Next category, Lifetime Achievement Award in the Natskers and not being in a movie. Goes to Tebowing.

So, if you recall, Tim Tebow was a big sportsman who had to do prayers every time he had a football in his hand. He was in movies. This award does not go to Tim Tebow. No, no. Tim Tebow was in a commercial where he was in about 10 movies. And if you saw that, you know why he's not getting it and why we're pissed and and and when we saw him at the potluck the other night at um at paul servino's place we were you know not really gonna be that friendly to him or ask him you know know, much about what he's been up to. Because we saw. Because he was supposed to be a religious guy and he was supposed to have values.

And now all of a sudden he's taking money in exchange to do movies. I don't think that's what the Bible is all about. And he's not doing it the way we are. No. He's not throwing food over and making out behind a tree with some of the villagers that are chipping away with the screwdrivers. What he's doing maybe is just eating the food. Mmm.

That we. Yeah, not the food we threw. And not the potluck food. That's not part of the example. No, everybody ate pretty good at that potluck. Yeah, we ate some of that food. That was what it was for. We were supposed to eat there.

Yeah. Was that Paul's house or do I have that wrong? I think you're thinking of that food. That was what it was for. We were supposed to eat there. Yeah. Was that Paul's house or do I have that wrong? I think you're thinking of Chaz. He was there. Paul was there. Okay. But he... I think he moved out.

Right. It was Chaz, Paul, and Terry's house. What a nice guy. And delicious parmig guy. And delicious. Shrimp scallop. Parmigiana. And the pizza pie. Spaghetti pomodoro.

Yes, yes. And the veal. Yum. And the sauce. Oh. Yes. And I think there was wine there. Now,

back to T-Bowing, what didn't make movies and what he couldn't even get to be in his movies he made for his commercial was the act of doing T-Bowing. Mm-hmm. It was something that, for a while while a lot of people were doing but this year that decided not to be in in movies anymore taking a stand against the culture of organized money yeah unfortunately everything's a fucking commercial, and I'm being producted everywhere I turn,

and the organized money monger business that's ugly head is creeping into my home and my daughter's home. It's getting to the point where you try to buy some gas, and they want a bunch of money. Yeah. try to buy some gas and they want a bunch of money. Yeah. You know, they try to buy even a box of Girl Scout cookies, which used to be pure and nice.

And now it's like, give me money, please. More money. More money. Yum. I mean, that's what some of these Girl Scouts sound like.

It's almost to the point where if I just want to drive a fast car around, now I got to go to the dealership and give some guy a briefcase full of cash and sign some paper. Cars belong to the earth, man. Anyway, there's one more not scare to give out sound design sound design and uh this goes to the rainforest the rainforest speaking of the earth one of the favorite sounds to be in movies is the sound of big fronds rustling and animals chittering and the flow of streams. And then you hear it for a second and then a monkey goes, what a great noise. Toucans. This year. A tiny frog might jump and land on something.

Oh, what a nice sound. Mm-hmm. And this year, that sound was not in movies so much anymore. Congratulations, Rainforest, because I know a lot of movies wanted to be having that sound in them, and even they wanted to remake The Medicine Man with Sean Connery and Lorraine Bracco, which was basically only that sound.

And I remember having a conversation with you, the rainforest, where you said, I'm so sick of this consumer culture that's poisoning our veins. And it's like, if I want to eat some kind of powdered donut, okay, I've got to go into a gas station and, like, give the guy money. That's why big business is trying to get rid of the rainforest, because it's too dangerous. The stuff it has to say is actually very dangerous.

Deforestation's actually bad. And people are starting to listen to the rainforest, or they're saying, oh, we have to get rid of all these trees so we can silence them. Well, good luck. And as a 1-8th-day American, I am connected to the earth in such a way where I do have ability to talk with trees and be friends with rainforest. And so I am sometimes a conduit and relaying this stuff back to big business,

and they twist the message, twist the words, and then will go and trick the rainforest into getting cut down. And finally, best picture goes to The Shipping News. This movie came out eight or nine years ago, and ever since they've been trying to get it to come out again. eight or nine years ago and ever since they've been trying to get it

to come out again but this movie says why isn't it okay that movies just come out one time? It's time to break the cycle of movies

coming out multiple times. Coming out again and again and being the movie the same movie that it was last year and it's out again now. And hogging all these awards.

And the premiere again. Yes. And getting every award. Yeah. And the premiere again, yes, and getting every award. And the Shipping News got all the awards for six or seven years and then finally just said enough. We can't keep doing this. It's not fair to new movies and new voices that want to get out there. It's not fair to my movies.

Where you go to the movies now and all you see is The Mummy Returns again. Yeah, or you see is like the mummy returns again yeah or you see uh secret life of david gale secret life david gale secret life of bees you know akila and the bee akila and the bee bee movie yeah movie 43 movie 43 which is okay to come out again and again because it is so many movies. Yes. It has to keep coming out at least until all the movies are done. Tim Pearson, I hope you didn't turn it off when we said movie three, movie 43, and go,

oh, they use a bad example. We realize we use a bad example. Hayes got caught up in the moment thinking about movies that have come out a lot. And that one. Forget lot and that one forgetting that that one is so many movies that exception rule it's like 12 freaking movies in one movie uh talk about freaking bang for your buck bang for your i would i'd be happy to pay whatever it 120 whatever it costs to go yeah just to see a movie these days. Yeah. And a soda. Between the snacks is $600 or something to get a frigging popcorn,

and the popcorn's the size of the goddamn moon. The soda is really actually how they make their money because it's like just a little eyedropper of syrup. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Ice, which is water and which you can just get at home but do they let you bring your own no you have to pay for the movie we found out the hard way about that and it's it's margins it's oh yes and it's the the big markups and the margins

and what they do is as much as you think oh these movies tickets are you know $75 or $100 and you think oh that's the rip off that's actually pretty fair because the snacks and the soda mainly is where

they're getting their money because they know you're going to get thirsty and syrup's nothing it's nothing it's just juice yes it's it's from trees and it's juice. And it's, so it's like a drop of juice and then a ton of ice.

And you're, and that's what, 200 bucks? And it's a- And bubbles. You can get bubbles almost anywhere. Some little kid. It feels like a bargain because the size of the drinks the goddamn fucking size of freaking antarctica but that's an illusion too because it's mostly bubbles and it's mostly bubbles and ice and bubbles are nothing they're air they're everywhere they're all over the place yeah i mean you're i

don't want to get too into physics and stuff on this cast but you're actually moving i'm such a nerd for it and it's just like it was how our earth works that's the way everything works it's sort of the secret code to just a whole the whole universe yeah but we are walking in bubbles all the time and i'm not talking about the way in uh now you see me where uh isla fisher's in the bubble in the commercial for that. I'm talking about invisible bubbles and that we are sort of the way you feel kind of buoyant when you push your arms in a doorway and then you get out and your arms just sort of raise involuntarily. That's little tiny bubbles. Because you're allowing the bubbles to collect under your arm by holding them still and that's a little tiny bubble because you're you're allowing the bubbles to

collect under your arm by holding them still and that's lifting you and that was the message of that bubble boy who also gets a not scared this year uh because his point was when he was not actually in that bubble he was saying well aren't we all sort of in bubbles all the time and technically we are i mean science wise we are technically in bubbles and uh another thing is that a lot of basketball players just have more bubbles around them and that's why they jump so high uh if you've ever read um uh freakonomics or um what's another physics book uh david and goliath david and go. I mean, that's just telling you that sometimes you succeed by having less because when it seems like you have nothing, you actually have all the bubbles. Infinite bubbles.

Yeah, so much bubbles. We have a great guest today. Thanks for watching the Knotskers. We have a great guest today. John Gabrus is here from Guy Code, and he's going to talk with us in one second on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. So, the valet is like, where are your keys?

And I fucking lose it. It's like, cars don't have keys anymore like what a fucking idiot it's like don't worry about just worry about the parking worry about you yeah anyway hey what up what up what up what up welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping welcome welcome to the guest segment welcome to the guest segment of hollywood handbook and insider's guide to Kicking, Button, Dropping. Welcome to the guest segment. Welcome to the guest segment of Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking, Button, Dropping Names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Great guest.

Great guest. Really cool guest this week, and we are stoked on having him. We've been wanting to bring in an innovator in the talking head space for a long time. These panel shows where they comment on... How do I explain this so people understand it? There's movies with actors doing movies characters. And at the same time, there's TV tv shows which is small movies yeah where they will have

a man or a woman with their real name written on the screen and then a credit maybe it's um uh they work for the av club yeah or um maybe they work for split cider or something and that's so they're an expert and they're just talking about stuff yes and it's it is their real names but it's not really them and it's still tv and you can't touch them and like they won't talk back to you no don't try to do it you'll smudge your screen and i did it to haze a screen because i don't own a tv and now it's got burning and so i didn't know and now it's got burn-in. And so I didn't know, and now it's got burn-in. John Gabrus. John Gabrus.

Oh, hey, guys. Thanks for having me. I'm glad you used my name, John Gabrus, which is pretty much how I make my money these days. Right, because there is really no other name to use. Right. I've never played a character on anything. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I mean, I've been playing the greatest character of them all myself. Yes. Strong 32 years of backstory. It's already there. I don't have to fabricate anything. But that's a scary thing to do in a way. Isn't it? One of the scariest roles you could play is yourself.

That's what a lot of actors would say. There's a safety to being in a movie and putting on a mask so no one can see your face like the scream guy right one of the one of the stronger roles we've had in our generation you're speaking of matthew lillard matthew lillard yeah yes one of the best skeet skeet all rich all right two of my favorite guys but to right but they to us they're just the scream guys yes because skeet all rich never did best Week Ever or I Love the 80s. No, no. Too scared.

Only Jamie Kennedy had the courage to transition into being someone who just wrote off his name. Yes, the experiment when people were being X'd. And it was so scary at that time in Hollywood if you were a big mover and shaker like me and Hayes that you always thought you were being asked. That's a big fear. And kill you. Yes. I would say though, not to take anything away from what Jamie did with this, but he was

facing the camera outwards towards other people. Whereas the real bravery of playing yourself is turning that camera around and facing it at yourself. And speaking directly to the film, directly to the audience. Speak on that. It's just a big, I mean, it sounds weird because it's what I do, but to talk about it like this.

I sit down, no script, no, just the topic. What? How do you know what to say? Here's the thing you reach back on yourself and look inside yourself the character of haze or the character of sean that you're forced to play on a daily basis and you look inside that character and from there you're able to create so say for example you're filming an episode of guy code great you're a guy totally is it about finding your own personal code yes it's it's more you give when they would give me a topic say for example side chicks like your non-girlfriend girl that you bang you give me that topic i take that inside i'm like what what situations have i been

in that involve the side chicks have i ever been inside john gabrus himself uh january 31st 1982 mercy hospital rockville center in long island that's where i was born from that moment on till the moment i'm in that chair at 1515 broadway expouting my ideas about guy code from that i have that much history to draw and you go through it every every time every time my whole you know i'm like uh uh minority report you know memories shooting past i'm uh you know manipulate oh you're like the movie minority report i've never seen it but i i hear that it takes place in the future so i'm very futuristic in my thought process you're like the movie or one of the or like like the diversity in Hollywood reports that come out. Where they say like how many... The variety, varieties.

Yeah, or how many writer's rooms... Or one of the characters in that movie. I'm just trying to pin down what you're saying. No, I will never be a character in a movie unless the movie is a documentary or a biopic about John Gabrus or someone in John Gabrus' life where as I would appear as myself.

Or a string of talking head appearances that is like movie-like. A film, yeah. A film that's like let's just attack the 4th of July in general and let's get some talking heads to riff on Independence Day. Not the film. The holiday. Or the film. Sure. I'm not against, you know, metatheatricality in that way.

Let's sit down and make a movie about guys talking about another movie. Oh, yes. One of the more original ideas you can have is taking an idea and just doing it again in a different way. Yes, I think that some of the bravest art comes from just

having people talk about something they saw or something they know. And isn't that really all we're trying to do when we make these movies is these complicated metaphors because we don't have the courage to just straight up say, hey, being a side chick is a hard job. Right. Like in 12 Years a Slave, you never actually hear their opinion on slavery.

They're too scared. They're too scared. Yeah. They're stuck in their characters using their characters as a shield from voicing their true opinions

because like if I'm in that movie you cut to me green screen maybe there's like a willow tree behind me and I'm saying I think slavery is bad

no matter what year it is. Okay. We don't take it's not the place of this show to take a position. But you can say whatever you want

but with the understanding that a guest on the show is not the voice of the show to take a position. But you can say whatever you want. But with the understanding that a guest on the show is not the voice of the show itself. Both sides have something to say. And certainly not as far as the Earwolf network, larger Earwolf network is concerned. Earwolf network, I would venture to say, would probably disagree with John, and I don't know, but we don't say one way or the other.

But, yes. But that's why Beers of Slave is a cowardly movie you're absolutely right you got a coward like Brad Pitt up there who basically just doesn't even know maybe even

what slavery is from his performance as near as I can tell meanwhile we got John Gabrus on the front lines doing about the scariest thing you can do

other than be you know see a Frankenstein imagine what kind of film you would have if in that moment when Brad Pitt goes to help

the guy who plays uh the assassin uh i don't know his name e.g. of four yeah i'm not going to try to say it but if what if in that moment instead brad pitt just looks directly at the camera and is like i'm uncomfortable with this whole situation i brad pitt yeah i brad pitt and i'm comfortable with this situation i just want you to know and then he had a couple of funny one liners about like more like 12 years a babe something like that instead of what he does which is be like I'm not even Brad Pitt right now

I'm like Chucky whatever my name was in that movie I think it was Chucky McCracken something like that it was Chucky McCracken it's cowardly and in all his other movies he never said whether babble was like a bad thing or like or he didn't have any funny jokes about babble yeah because that's part of that's another part of what i do as um i don't know if you want to call it uh talking

head or philosophizer or common you know like social commentator whatever you want to call it like the other thing you have to do is the way to hit the message hardest is with humor. So when I'm in there, I'm not just saying side chicks are a good thing or side chicks are a bad thing. Because in opinion, yes, you have to take a strong stance. I'm already one step ahead of most of Hollywood at this moment. I'm making a choice about how I feel about something. But then I'm delivering it with a little bit of sugar, a little bit of humor to get it

past your guarded defense of like, I'm not listening to these assholes. I don't care what they have to say about side chicks. Oh, wait. That made me giggle and made me think. Well, yeah. Sometimes I'm laughing so hard that I don't even know I'm learning. Right. And then I'm like laughing, b busting up laugh my whole shit off and then i turn

and i look at my side chick and i realize i feel a little differently about her and you sneak in it's the trojan warhorse yes it's what it is exactly the it's exactly the trojan warhorse that old fable and and it's and if you guys don't know that story at home, please look it up at the library and please read it. You gotta. Don't watch Troy. Don't learn it from Troy. The film Troy, because no one's voicing how they feel about it throughout.

Oh, Brad Pitt's such a coward in that. He's being Achilles. What the F? Who cares about Achilles? I want to know how everyone who's in that situation, or even if you don't have an opinion on it, I want to hear you try to come up with an opinion on it. I'd like to see the real Achilles looking at camera telling me

if he thinks, you know, motorcycles are cool. Or what the 90s were about. Hey, you're preaching to the choir here, boys. What was interesting about the 90s, maybe we could hear him say any maybe any toys that were good back then that you remember that came out we call it a commercial yeah but with a dash of humor always that's the important part you guys because i want you to understand we call it the giggle think you giggle and it forces you to think it shakes the rust of your preconceived notions off. Yes. You laugh. Biology.

It's opening. It's like a jab. Science nerds in here. It's like a jab in a sparring match. You throw a jab. It shakes up the defense a little bit. You can see something. And you laugh.

Yeah. You get punched in the face. It's instinctive that you giggle a little. Yeah. We're sports heads too. We understand that both metaphors you're using. Yeah. It's from evolution and caveman times yes yes and

i would love oh see now that's another thing a lot of people don't realize if you look at early cave drawings there's not really profiles of the cavemen it's straight on it's straight on it's flat it's uh you know it's right on at the caveman so that that's a lot of people are saying that that's you know it's the art form has been around since the beginning. And there's a chyron at the bottom. Yeah, it usually says, like, haze of the forest. Yes, or house sparks, queer as folk, it, is that they didn't ever draw those drama and comedy masks until I think around Brad Pitt era cave drawings. What they used to draw was just real faces making a frown or a smile.

Yes. And more importantly is that a lot of people don't know this, but yes, the masks, comedy and tragedy, but the human face itself is actually capable of almost you know 10 to 12 different emotions faces and expressions shortcut now for these people in movies to when they're trying to pretend that they're sad just putting on the tragedy mask yeah or when they want to laugh they just put on the comedy mask like kevin james like almost never takes his comedy mask off yes yes yes i mean yes. I mean, yeah, and it's like, at least put on the drama mask once in a while. You know, because some stuff in the world is pretty tough to deal with.

Or, I'll say, take the mask off. Let's see the real mask underneath. And we're not brave enough to do that, but God bless you for doing it, John. Well, thank you, guys. I'm just trying to do what i can do out there just voicing my opinion on various subjects like let me know hey another thing that another thing that i've been getting into lately is throwing up a viral

video and then riffing off that wow sort of sort of it's like art history it's like uh being an art historian you know you throw up a little video it's like art history yeah it's like art history. It's like being an art historian. You know, you throw up a little video. It is like art history. Yeah, it's like art history. It's like art history. I underline his because I'm a misogynist. Sure. It's his story. A his-ogynist, I like to say.

Don't we all? That's what your tattoo says, Hayes. Mr. Sogynist. Hi, I'm Mr. Sogynist. I wish I could do that because that's a funny character, but I don't do characters. I can only play John Gabrus. Engineer Brett, you can have that character

because John can't use it. What do you say? I'll take it, Mr. Sojournist. Now, what do you say? What do we say when someone gives us a character? When someone does something generous, what do we say? What do we say? Thank you, sirs.

You're welcome. Now, take it back. Okay, I was say? What do we say? Thank you, sirs. You're welcome. No, take it back. Okay, I was going to say that was very kind of you, but I think him just having that for that long was already a gift from you guys. He doesn't deserve it. How brave of you to go after viral videos and not be afraid of any response from them. We put them on such a pedestal of, like, this guy falls off a golf cart or a golf course. Or a golf court.

Yeah. This guy rides on a sofa that's being dragged by a boat. Yeah, great. You're building art, but someone's got to commentate on that. One second, I'm sorry. Brett, new character, a judge at a golf court. A golf court? Yeah. Maybe his gavel new character, a judge at a golf court. A golf court? Yeah.

Maybe his gavel's a club or something, like a putter. Anyway, go ahead, John. Wait, Brett. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yes, keep that one. Mr. Sojourney, one of you pros should have. I don't think we've actually...

Can't trust it in the hands of some fucking jerk-off. Some fucking dial monkey. Yeah, so I like to take the steam out of them a little bit. You know, oh, I put this up. You know, I shot this on my phone. Check this out. Here, here's the thing. Yeah, that video's funny.

But what my opinions of the video are, are even funnier. John, you don't go near Vine, do you? I'll attack Vine. What? It what it's you know it's hard but what if i do a vine what if they do a vine about you if they do a vine about me that's the ultimate we call that in the business the hall of mirrors when you do when you riff on your own when you riff on your own videos when someone films a video of you playing yourself and then you pop up and riff on it. And you don't know which one to shoot. Right, exactly.

So you treat it like the end of that film Enter the Dragon. Where you have to slowly knock down mirrors until you find out what's the true core of yourself. Yes. I think that happened in Conan the Destroyer too. I believe there was this period of time in the 90s when a lot of films had that.

A lot of showdowns happened in the Hall of Mirrors. There were just more of them around. There are way less. Because now the mirrors are like our phones. Now instead of going to a carnival and looking in a mirror at a Hall of Mirrors, we just stare into our phones, and we're so afraid just to have a real conversation. Oh, I mean, a real conversation is what? I mean, that's what I'm paid to do.

That's what I'm paid, you know, scale plus 10% to do. In a way, you're a surrogate for this iPhone and iMac culture that surrounds us, where they're not actually talking to people, so at least there is a person who will talk directly to them about how he feels about side chicks yeah everyone is just shouting into cyberspace 140 characters tumbling you know doing all this just throwing it out there and you have to sort through it who better to sort through it and deliver you the real strong slightly comedic opinions on various topics than guys like guys like myself guys like hal sparks some of the top the michael ian blacks you know these are that of our generation the voice of a number of

generations now can i ask you you've mentioned viral videos and and vines and taking some of that stuff down do you feel like the industry's changing or technology is making art move faster? Art is moving at a faster rate than it ever has before. As the picture gets smaller, though. Isn't that something? See, here's the thing, Hayes. I don't want to correct you, but yes picture is the same size but our image of it is smaller uh-huh totally totally different wow yeah so the picture has never changed because

the way we capture it has always been the same yeah but the way we view it with a phone with our just our image of it it's an illusion yeah our mind's eye sees it as smaller but really it's never shrunk at all because we're so because we're so used to looking at phones the other thing the other thing that not a lot of people talk about with this kind of whatever you want to call it you know truth delivering that i'm doing a lot of people don't talk about the fact that some people don't have opinions some people are like how do i feel about side chicks how do i feel about a water skiing squirrel and i got some of them are like i need to look to someone to explain to me you know sort of like a blank slate like i'm not sure how i feel about abortion well here are

some opinions on it choose wisely so what i try to do is give the people out there who have a hard time making a choice about their feelings like here's a here's how I feel about a water skiing squirrel. Maybe you're on board with me. Maybe you're on board with another one of the talking heads. And then I help deliver opinions upon people. To people who don't have them. Yeah. It makes me so mad when people say opinions are like assholes.

Everyone's got one and they all stink because not everyone has opinions just like not everyone has an asshole. And some assholes are good. And, yes, some don't stink. Like, I would say that Mike Colton and John Abood from Modern Humorist, when they're giving me opinions, all of a sudden I think, this smells pretty good. And I bet their assholes are pretty clean as well.

Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one. Some of them stink. But if you didn't have an opinion, you would die by being filled with toxic poison yes like you'd have to get one from someone with a good exactly opinion or asshole that you trusted so to keep the keep the metaphor going you see me on guy code you see my asshole you choose that's the asshole i i don't have an asshole i want that asshole you take my

asshole and apply it asshole you take my asshole and apply it because you got a bunch of them you got them to spare i've got assholes to spare or you could just copy my asshole word for word and then that's your asshole and now you're able to defecate truth let's read we got so many popcorn questions we do that should we get right into that i think we should uh we bought a big bag of popcorn this week for the popcorn gallery. So what is this? Because I don't, I can only, you know, I've never been asked to speak about your podcast, so I never consumed any of the, like if you, I don't watch anything because I don't want

to tarnish my opinions or, you know, muddy any of my ideas. We appreciate that. So I only watch. Thanks for keeping us out of your sights. Yeah, I'm trying not to watch anything until I'm asked. When VH1 does I Love Podcasts, the radio show, I'll be on it

straight crushing you guys. But until then... It would be an honor, sir. To be crushed by the best. To truly be crushed. And I know that it's done with a little bit of affection. Well, you gotta have

a little bit of appreciation to focus. Here, why don't we try something? Why don't you guys just have a conversation, and we'll live edit me in commentating on your conversation. Like I would on shows such as Ain't That America with Little Duval,

Charlemagne and Friends, Guy Code, Guy Court, Undateable, I Love the 1880s on the History Channel. All these shows that I've been part of.

I'll try to use that energy to commentate on your conversation. Great. How's your mom doing? Is she any better? No. All right. So here... No? Okay. Yeah. How about a little bit? Is she any better? No. All right.

So here. No? Okay. Yeah. How about a little bit of a follow-up here? And Hayes, lay off his mom for fuck's sake. See, that's the kind of thing that I can do. That was good.

That was very good. And I deserved it. Yeah. See, that's another thing. I'm not attacking you guys. But you'll notice when i say something you're like he's right i was incorrect in my opinion or my choice of words it's been so long since anyone's called me out i realize i'm in this stale routine i you know a lot of people

compare what i do to what bill hicks did and i agree the greatest yeah and everyone was trying to stop him from from talking about how america is actually very consumerist right and i don't agree with him on whatever that's bullshit but i am a soothsayer in the way that hicks was and he would use swears which is so funny i can't because most of my shows are on uh basic cable but I will swear, but they'll beep it, and I think that hits harder, you know? It's like a commentary on censorship. I wish they would let me pop up as a little talking head during the beep just to say a little something about censorship. But it's usually a one-syllable thing that they're beeping, so.

Well, with technology, too, I think that's coming. Yeah, and I'm looking for that, what I want to call micro-commentary, where I'm able to take a frame or one second of material, and I'm able to extrapolate a minute or two and a half, three minute riff on that. Think about what you could do with something like an episode of, what's a show that needs to be taken down a peg or two? Dancing with the Stars.

Okay. People have a lot of opinions about that, but maybe they need to hear from me on an inch-by-inch basis exactly how to feel about every moment. What is that show? I haven't watched it because I've never been asked to speak on it, but I'm excited. Okay. Oh, that's good.

Let's get into the Popcorn Gallery. Now, this is a segment so hard to explain, but when people exist and are sort of chiming in, they are like the peanut gallery. Right. So when you go to the movies, you're not eating peanuts. You're eating popcorn.

This shows about movies stuff. And each popcorn thing is like a question. Like a question. Thank you. Well, the kernel is before it's been popped and you shouldn't eat that. No. You're supposed to eat it. A popped kernel.

You got to cook it first. Right? Right. These are already cooked. The audience cooks the kernels for us in question form, sends them to the show to ask the person who's eating the popcorn, that's you. Right. Got it. So.

So you're going to ask me questions. That whole explanation was you're going to ask me a question. Well, I'm not asking you a question, am I? Because the popcorn gallery is asking it. It sounds like he doesn't really understand it at all. So no, I'm not asking you a question. I'll tell you who is asking you a question. Somebody like

Hug Life. Let's reach into the bag and see if there's a question from Hug Life in there. bag and see if there's a question from from hug life in there oh that's good popcorn this is oh that was a character i'm sorry i got i still have a hard time with that that's a sound drop that's called a sound drop i'm'm learning. This is a question from Hug Life. Just quick, before we get into the questions, are you able to chyron me at all in a podcast?

Maybe every once in a while, someone should just be like, John Gabrus, guy code. So people are constantly reminded of who I am. You know when they cut in with a weather emergency? Yeah. That's what we're going to do. All right, cool.

Yeah. And the new thing is hit me with use my twitter handle as well if you can john gabrus from guy code warning in the following areas your ear holes i like that that i would appreciate that and i think that your listeners would appreciate that too as to be like who's talking oh at john gabrus is talking Appreciate that, too. As to be like, who's talking? Oh, at John Gabrus is talking.

Huglife asks, this is actually not a good question, so we're going to rephrase it. Yes, he has a good area for a question, and he doesn't know how to ask a question. But your show, Guy Code, the premise of his question is, your show, Guy Code, is an adaptation of the book The Da Vinci Code. Why are you doing such a bad job with it and um what kind of secrets are going to be revealed in the next season oh okay yeah so the original source material of guy code season one was da vinci code but after the first season we're following our own path okay so we don't have any albino uh missions or anything yeah we're we're actually even past angels and demons we're really we're doing a like season four comes out

in april that's the fourth season of guy code lost symbol we yeah we're we're distancing ourselves from the da vinci code as we go along digital fortress yes all the dan brown novels yeah i see that but the first if you watch the first season, it's very heavy on, you know, Vitruvian myths and all the stuff from the Da Vinci Inc. Okay, let's reach back into the popcorn bag, huh? I totally get it now, by the way. Soggy bag today. Sound drop.

Now, this is from Thonious junk john where did you find the audacity to go on pete holmes nerdist podcast before doing sean and hayes earwolf podcast follow up how dare you so that's it that's a two-part question, I know these are coming from the popcorn gallery, but it really feels like something you guys wanted to ask me. Well, the question was just where you found the audacity. Where did you find the audacity? It's not anything about who is asking it or whatever. It's where I find everything that I say or do within myself.

Look back, January 31st, 1982, Mercy Hospital, Rockville Center, Long Island. From there until today, March 1st, 2014, Earwolf Studios, Hayes and Sean. Boom. I have that spectrum. Where do I find the audacity? It's in there. And so you're saying you were born a front runner and just like whoever was coming with the most cash or whatever up front.

Regardless of artistic integrity, you would go on a Pete Holmes podcast or just wherever the juice was at the time. Exactly. I know he's got a big listenership, because Viacom doesn't offer residuals, and they air Geico a lot, but Pete Holmes, his podcast, it's SAG-AFTRA. So for me to be able to do that and get residuals and they air a guy cut a lot but pete holmes like his podcast does have it's sag after so for me to be able to do that and get residuals off that i got to think about you know i want to have kids someday so i have something else to talk about because i haven't spoken about kids on a number of topics you're gonna love it being a father is the most rewarding thing about my life

stephy and i were took the girls to the zoo this past week, and they were just munching on the animal food. Your daughters were just eating animal food? Yeah, you know, you put the quarter in, you can get the pellets to feed the deers or whatever. It's some of the cheapest food you can get. It's actually a really good deal. Yeah. Good deal?

I mean, that's risky. You don't know what's in that animal food, and he's just giving it to his kids at john gabers see that's the kind of shit you can expect from me i do that in conversation i'll take a second out of the conversation and be like all right cool i get it my change is a dollar 25 because i'm buying uh some pellegrino but i have a moment that i need to let everyone else in this pizzeria know about our interaction so i'll turn to the group and be like and just riff on that moment and i i see it you know i've gotten some you know standing o's in various pizzerias and uh wawa's but you know i see it often man people

need to hear some shit sometimes you're just buying a pellegrino and your change is a dollar 25 yeah because i only have pay with a five yeah i pay with a five. It's $3.75. The Pellegrino costs $3.75? What size Pellegrino is it? A three liter. Big. Party Pellegrino. Big.

I see. It's like a growler. It's a glass growler of Pellegrino. Because I... I don't know. It's a fucking handle. You're not saying... You don't host a show called Hollywood Handbook and not know anything about Pellegrino, right?

All right. So this guy, Hayes, is over here talking about Pellegrino. Like, what's Pelle and not know anything about Pellegrino, right? All right. So this guy, Hayes, is over here talking about Pellegrino. Like, what's Pellegrino? What's Pellegrino? Hi, here's my hand. Welcome to the Hollywood Handbook. At John Gabers. No H in John or Gabers.

There's no H in my name whatsoever. Unlike both of you. Well, Jonathan. I'm sorry. I know I don't play characters, but John is my stage name. So if we could eliminate Jonathan, because I don't want anyone to think I'm playing a character when I play Jonathan. He's got his hand over the mic right now, but he is talking to me.

I just want you to know that, all right? Thank you. John, please. So what that long silence was, was he put his hand over the microphone so he couldn't be heard but he just I could hear him and Hayes could hear him too

he told something a secret to us on the yeah you know I just I gotta keep a little something for season five you know

sure I don't know any other books reaching back into the popcorn bag um nobody popped these and I'll ask the questions if that's

yeah okay it's just like if I don't have the questions it gives me nothing to you know we said at the beginning that I ask the questions

and you do like the jokes and stuff and like it's just like yeah I'm sorry so the long silence you're hearing is Hayes and Sean

are actually covering up the mics and having a private discussion like a secret but I just want you to do you want to go back and ask the Thelonious do you want to go back and ask the Thelonious?

Do you want to drop in you asking the Thelonious John question? Yeah, let's do that. I'll just do it right now. And we'll put this in later. And Brett, make a note. John, where did you find the audacity to go on Pete Holmes' podcast before doing Sean and Hayes' podcast? Well, like I've said previously,

We don't need that. We'll just cut my thing. Got it. January 31st, 1982, Ruffles Center. Yeah. Mercy Hospital. Freya asks, which Oscar after party are you most looking forward to attending and who will you be avoiding at said party? Oh, I'll be at the MTV2 Oscar after party.

One of the lesser known after parties, but it's big for me as MTV2 talent for me to be there. Is that dog with talent for me to be there. Is that dog with two heads going to be there? The dog with two heads? For those of you who don't know, the president of MTV2 had a dog, a Doberman Pinch who was born with a birth defect. And it's pretty much where the whole idea of MTV2 came from. It's like we get it, MTV is just a normal dog, but what about the weird disfigured dog brother? And then we're like, well, that's where we could put our more urban shows, our more male-centric shows, like a two-headed dog.

You put it up in the high – to find MTV2, you need to hit search. You can't just – It's not actually Channel 2 like it implies. Right. No, and it's not even just one channel past MTV. No, it's like Channel 840. That's V it implies. Right, no, and it's not even just one channel past MTV. No, it's like channel 840. That's VH1. Right.

And I don't know that, not to argue with you too much, but to argue a little, I don't know that MTV is just a normal dog. It's not two-headed, but I think it's almost like a Spuds McKenzie kind of party dog. Don't we feel that way about MTV? Spuds McKenzie kind of party dog. Don't we feel that way about MTV? Yeah, MTV is a more edgy, is a mutt as compared to the golden lab of, you know, something like the Food Network. Or like the news.

The news, right. The news is a labradoodle if I've ever heard it. it um but to answer your question i'll be at the mtv2 after party with uh lil duval charlemagne the god chris de stefano dan soder but who will you be avoiding was the second part of the question i will be avoiding um a number of cast members from both guy code and girl code and sway oh sway crossed me hard a couple years ago at a guy court rap party we're having a guy court rap party guy court for those of you aren't familiar is the guy code spinoff where we represent people in court it's people's court meets guy code and uh sway he he crossed me big time you know he told He crossed you over? He told some people about a short film I was in in college,

and in that film I... Broke your ankles? Yeah, well, separately, I didn't want to get into that story, but yes, I used to play basketball in all Geico team versus an all VJ team, and Sway has a mean U-tip two-step, dropped my ankles, fucking left my shoes in one spot and he had a solid layup that being said the short film yeah sorry sway sway told some people about a short film i was in in college where i played someone named dan who was a college freshman and

a stoner and stuff like that so it was a it was a departure for me to change i played pretty much myself but my character's name was dan and sway got a hold of it was a departure for me to change. I played pretty much myself, but my character's name was Dan, and Sway got a hold of it and showed it at the party, and a lot of people were really pissed off because they believed me to be one thing, this truth teller, and then they find out that I've acted in the past.

We do a lot of things in college that we'd like to forget. Yeah. We experiment a little bit with kissing or whatever. You don't know who you are yet so you're willing to try being just about anybody and and i think that we've all got some people that maybe we've kissed or yeah when i was in college i wasn't prepared to you know look back upon myself back to january 31st 1982 uh mercy hospital rockville center long island i wasn't able to look back to that point i wasuary 31st 1982 uh mercy hospital rockville center long island i wasn't able to look back to that point i was living in the now i wasn't using myself as

inspiration i was using other things like media and other people as inspiration now i find inspiration only inside myself john i was wondering could you do us a favor and rank the casts of girl code and guy code in order of funniness starting with the least funny person or someone who's maybe not funny at all? Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. Where do you start? Well, here's the thing. Not everyone is funny, obviously, but they're there for a different reason,

whether it be their look or the fact that they got some popularity from something else, and the studio mandates or the network mandates put this person on. Or they're experts at code breaking. Right. Some of them are more on the guy spectrum and some of them are more on the code spectrum. You need both.

You need both. And sometimes, you know, no one's actually that funny on the show. Like, none of us Are really funny We're more truthful With Like I said Like a little giggle truth John

A little bit to shake the rust Shake the shackles off you With a little laugh John stop I'm Laughing my butt off At some of the stuff you say None of us are really funny

On the show Oh well thank you very much I appreciate that We're trying That's the biggest joke of all It is isn't it Mmhmm He's saying that you're not. It is, isn't it?

He's saying that you're not funny. There's no place for false modesty. So who's bad? Like, to be, you know, mostly the girls. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. I would put them all

like tied for last. And then from there it goes the white guys and then the black guys are the funniest. And Mr. Sojournist would go, I agree with that. Solid character.

Yeah. He's already come to life in such a short amount of time. Oh, man. If only I had a skill set like that, I would be great to be able to do a character every now and then. But not me.

Just myself, dropping fucking straight-up truth bombs. Nagasaki and his Oshima. Now, John, thanks so much for coming in. Of course, this week Dex Dexter bought the pro version.

Is that right? And as a reward for the pro version, John Gabrus is going to do sort of a talking head riff on your name, Dex Dexter. He'll criticize you in a capsule. Yeah, he's going to kind of take you down. All right.

Mr. and Mrs. Dexter, are you sure that's what you want to name your son? Dex Dexter? Okay. I mean, that's like naming me John and my last name being Johnson. All right. Let's get out of here. So you're welcome. That's maybe the best prize we've ever given out on this show.

Thanks for buying the pro version, Dex Dexter. Please rate us on iTunes. Write a little something nice about us. Give us a five-star rating. Send us a good message on Facebook. Send us a good message on Facebook like Tim Pearson did. Set your DVR for Guy Code if I can jump in here. It starts in early April.

Channel 1,856, I think, if you want it in hd 1856 and and go ahead and watch if you're on youverse yeah yeah if you're on youverse which of course you should be uh and so like us on facebook pages and uh get on the forums and get on the forums get on the forums yeah it's me get on the forums good luck standing the forums. Get on the forums. Yeah, it's me. Get on the forums. Good luck standing on your computer at John Gabers. No H's. Bye. Bye.

Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Earwolfradio.com The wolf dead.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.