Hollywood Handbook - Jon Gabrus, Our Power Hour Friend

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

The Boys welcome back JON GABRUS to do a different kind of power hour.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm in the barn with Chuck. Chuck, let me think about who this could be. I know you know. Chuck Berry with an A. It's Chuck Berry with an A. And we are drying the beef hanging the beef out

to age you're aging the beef you know great this should have been you because I the whole time am sort of like following him around and like holding this beef or whatever I don't know what

the fuck we're doing. And I like want to know, but I don't want to ask a question that makes it so clear that I don't know. So I'm going like, man, this beef will probably be ready once it's dry, right? And he kind of just keeps laughing. Like, yeah, right. You're funny, man.

Yeah, you're funny. Hey, I like that, man. But I'm seriously very confused. I would just say it's lucky you were with Chuck Berry with an A because dry aging the beef for Chuck Berry with an E is a totally different thing. Oh, really? That is so nasty. good golly so do you want to

tell me what you mean he so i guess to like prepare for different he was like into all this stuff and so he would take a hair dryer and dry age his own beef for hours okay hours and hours putting a very powerful air dryer that sounds like it would be itchy right very powerful air dryer. That sounds like it would be itchy, right? Gabrus? Wouldn't that make you itchy to dry your own beef for hours? And this is me trying to invite Gabrus

into the conversation. This seems like the kind of shit you talk about, man. Yeah, I mean, I was wondering when to step in. I didn't want to step on you. You guys were rolling, so I didn't want to jump in there. Yeah, well, we've been doing this for a long time oh i know no it's been uh it's been a long time um yeah chuck was i know this through um because i've been getting into sort of more of my own uh we call it the hipster beef community and we've been like sort of talking about chops and

grass fed and this you know grass finished all talking about chops and grass fed and this, you know, grass finished all this shit. Chops, grass finished. Yeah. And then dry aging is something you can technically do with a superpower, like a very powerful hairdryer.

Okay. Yeah. But Chuck Berry, uh, uh, that was all revealed. Like everyone learned about the blow dryer thing from his toilet cam. His toilet cam was accidentally recording one time when he was dry aging beef.

In these vintage toilet cams. Yeah. It was an eight millimeter toilet cam. It was huge. I don't know how he didn't know. It's a Bolex. You can like. You had to put a.

Every eight minutes you gotta replace the film. You gotta put a sheet over your head to take a dump. And no one ever figured out what it was. They thought it was just like a privacy thing. Well, I'm happy you're here. You were the right guest for the right situation. Did you ever get to have Chuck Barry's beef once it was dry aged? Or did you just have to get out of there out of shame?

I actually had to move. You had to move? Oh, okay. This from a past life or is this recent uh this past life yeah no i was just hayes and i have been doing past life regressions oh nice yeah there's a really cool past life regression pop-up in the um uh um uh william sonoma near my house oh okay yeah okay. Yeah, yeah. And so, Hayes and I have just been going there and we'll like buy a pan or whatever

and then we'll go in and find out that we were tribal kings. I should do that. I have to get a lot. And we were friends before. You were? And we were friends, yes.

Oh, that makes sense based on your guy's chemistry. And we passed the best friends test. So when I say we've been doing this for a long time. Oh, you mean generationally. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, yeah. Yeah, so there's a best friends test that they when I say we've been doing this for a long time. Oh, you mean generationally? Yeah. Yeah. So there's a best friends test that they gave to me in Hays and the guy said we're the only one that passed it. And that's part of the past lives regression thing or is that part of just William Sonoma's other like kind of things they have going on there? I didn't ask. I didn't ask. Did that come up? I did not ask.

But he asked me, so you guys best friends? And we look at each other and he goes you just passed it he goes if you're really best friends you'll check in with each other before you answer because that's real friendship is making sure that you're both comfortable what you're about to say where somebody will go oh yeah that's my best friend and they don't check in and he goes those people are bad people and really we were like the reason we were looking each other is we were gonna do the night at the roxbury uh no yes but you have to you don't have to tell me what the night at the roxbury is but like you have to look at each other to time it's very hard to just we've. We've mistimed it

a lot. Yeah. Even after generations of being best friends, timing is still difficult for you guys. Not all generations had Night at the Roxbury and it's important to keep this in mind. Right. That's true. That's probably mostly just this current life is had the Night at the Roxbury as a reference.

It pops up throughout. It doesn't appear like at regular intervals but. It pops up throughout. It doesn't appear at regular intervals, but it does pop up throughout history. There are illuminated manuscripts that are essentially like the Butabis have taken different forms. Oh, that makes sense. Because in the Iliad, there's that moment

where they kind of look at each other. The whole army. Yeah, yeah. The whole army does this. The entire army. Because they're like, you're not going to storm the city, are you? And the army goes, no. Yeah, yeah. The whole army does this. The entire army, because they're like, you're not going to storm the city, are you? And the army goes, no.

Yes. And before they did the Trojan horse, they tried to get in with just a $1 bill. And they said, what if I bring my friend George Washington? George Washington. Well, and really, obviously, there's an element of Helen of Troy is the reason they're there, but also Emilio is inside.

Can I just please welcome everyone to the show Hollywood Handbook? Well, hi, Guad. And it's the Insider's Guide. And Gabrus is here. John Gabrus, it's been so long since you've done this show. Yeah, I was holding out to have something to plug. And you guys needed a guest?

Yeah. Still don't have anything to plug, so. You've been doing all these different shows. What shows are we doing these days? And we have the Action Boys. We have the Action Boys, correct. And we have High and Mighty. Correct.

And Raised by TV, you have admitted was fake, and you were not Raised by TV at all. That was a deep fake. It was a deep fake. Oh, wow. So you weren't even involved. No, Labkus compiled all of my audio from 300 episodes of High and Mighty and sort of built an algorithm and just engaged.

Is it only 300? Maybe it's 200 and something. No, I'd rather not think about how many hours I spent sitting in my office talking to near strangers about whatever garbage. Dominoes? Or Little Caesar. You're damn right. I got 40 minutes of opinions on this. Now you said something to plug and it reminded me of a true story that I told two different

people recently and they both brought up your name. So I was telling a story about a friend of mine in Connecticut and his fiance saying that he had recently for the first time tried using a butt plug. And he said something that I thought was very funny where he went, don't start with the medium. I went, why did you start with the medium

and he went well I'm like 6'3 I'm a pretty big guy and two different people went sounds like something gay he thought his height

related to how wide the opening of his butt was also that his first instinct after saying that he started using a butt plug would be to share advice about the experience. You heard he's doing it. You're going to do it. I know I brought it up, so it's already in your mind. I just want to give you the heads up.

Start small. That is something I would say. I remember I got in a lot of trouble with them. I donated blood and I said, well, I'm like six to 300 pounds. So you can take three pints. And they were like,

that's not how it works. I'm like, trust me. That's how it works. And then I was sort of, you know, I went out for a couple of weeks. Yeah.

Came back. Cause you're like, I have all this blood, more blood than you. You know what I mean? Right. I'm twice your size. There's gotta be at least twice the amount of blood in me.

Right. But it's like filling up the, or you have more organs too yeah more organs yes they need more blood that's what it is it's extra organs yeah i'm not a lot of people think i'm overweight because like i had a cursory i hate hearing that yeah they're like this guy's fat and it's like well why don't you talk to me a little bit and find out about how many pancreases i have and shit like that why don't you take a look and see that, yeah, maybe there's maybe six or seven appendices. Yeah. Some people are like, oh, I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

And you never hear, I'm not fat. I'm multi-organic. Multi-organic. Yeah. And can I say, Gabriel, hundreds of hearts. That's true. Hundreds of tiny hearts. Like little chicken.

You ever go to a Brazilian churrascaria and they've got the little chicken hearts on a spear? Of course. You do these powerful hours, don't you? Yes. Don't you? I was hoping we'd get to talk about my power hours. And what is this? My power hours.

Yeah. And what is this? It's a way to admit that you don't have enough legs to just get up on stage and perform. So for us, it's just a device in which I drink. So 60 shots of beer. I want a minute for 60 minutes. The hour. The hour of power, if you will. And then doing that sort of takes the pressure off having to be entertaining or interesting or funny.

How much beer is that? It's about, if you're pouring exactly one ounce pours, it's 60 ounces, which is about five cans of beer or five bottles of beer. Five beers? Five beers in one hour. And it is not, it's not, it doesn't sound like a lot but it's more about the consistency it's more about yeah just pretending that you're really like fucked up yeah like no it the weirdest thing about power is that the most the most fucked up you are after a power hour is the most fucked up you are during a power hour is 90 minutes after the show is over that's

when everything when your body is processed what you drank, and then you're in your Uber home from UCB sunset saying, I need to figure my life out. And then boom, you're hit. Well, I mean, you look at your direct deposit from UCB and then- It comes in that fast. It's immediate. You can't leave the theater without-

Yeah, I'm grandfathered into the direct deposit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm grandfathered in. So big chunk of my ticket sales gets directly deposited into my account. So that's nice. That's a nice piece of change. And people admit that they suck themselves in these things often, right? Yeah, often people admit.

People talk about sucking themselves. Yeah. It comes up way more than it should. Without anyone asking, correct? Yeah, no, it, independently brought up. Apropos of nothing, literally. I guess we were revealing secrets. Sure, not a secret anymore.

No, not at all. Man, and look, I feel bad. I don't know if the individual we're discussing was 100% ready to reveal that but at least it hasn't become an absolute thing that comes up every single time he or I or around anyone and you feel bad and yet you did absolutely nothing oh I didn't edit it out

I don't like over the years I used to work really hard and really care about my output as like a podcaster but more recently I've sort of just gone like let me just do the thing you know let me just go on raw unedited delirious that's they like this better yeah they like this bet they like it better and then you find out they like it better and then you find out that eliminating asking someone to edit your podcast is a huge burden off your back especially and you're not doing yourself yourself. Oh, God, it's amazing.

Can I also point out my pop socket broke? My Earwolf pop socket. Your earwolf pop socket. Did you get one of these things? No, no. I got a HeadGum ID lanyard from my other employer, HeadGum, but I'm holding out for Earwolf. Earwolf does owe me one pop socket, one ladies t-shirt and 100 from my appearance on scam goddess but at least it's not impossible and you have to humiliatingly go through thousands of

hoops to ask for a hundred dollars unbelievable that even you have a podcast in the calendar year year 2019 if it's not active on like christmas day you are off the christmas gift bag yes yes it reminds me when i was a pa at mtv and you had to work uh 46 weeks out of the year to get invited to the christmas party it was a great way to eliminate freelancers and i see the same thing happening here at earwolf the via commization ofization of Earwolf. Did you ever get, when you were FOT, as we call it, friend of Tina on 30 Rock, one of the TGS writers, did you ever end up getting a Christmas gift there? Would that have been like a hoodie or something? I feel like, yeah, I think I got a Christmas gift one year. I did not. Really?

I did watch other people with the same jump get it. Which was nice. But I did not. Despite your magnanimity and making all the friends you made engaging with everyone, they still didn't get you a Christmas gift?

Something, yes. And I'm trying to pin down what it was that put me in a different category. In many ways. Maybe it just, they knew I just didn't need it. Often you get noticed more in those situations by being frosty and withholding. Like Tina's be like, who's that interesting guy brooding on the other side of the room? I think that's why they disliked me.

Because I was always trying to do... I was told my job was practically an extra. And I misinterpreted that as be extra. So I was doing a lot of... I was doing a lot of walking lunge crosses and stuff. I'm like, oh, these guys might be trying to get in shape. I was writing a bunch of backstory for all the FOTs. That's where that term came from.

It's funny. Being extras from this one guy who was an extra. As I look back, I don't think the mistake I made was not putting more of my personality out there. That's never the right move. I don't think that's what i should have been doing no i agree that's not what you should there may not have been a win for me there yeah let's talk about so let's talk about these powerful hours and what power uh really is and so it's like is it power to like go on stage and like get messed up or is like get fucked up right and it's like yes i could do this like i can do that that's power

that's a type of power yes i could do probably like 300 of these like these things yeah i could uh because i have that kind of like i have metabolic uh control in a way that i can like process it really fast i'll need like a big bucket he can speed up and slow down his heart rate and digestive system with only his mind so i'll need like a bucket on because i will like process it immediately it's not like running to the bathroom so you process it immediately. It's not running to the bathroom or whatever. So you process it completely into urine? It basically falls out. It's not... It's neither fish nor fowl.

And just let it shoot through you. It's not urine or fecal matter, but it is waste. I guess my main question is where is it coming out of? Where are you placing the bucket? All over. No, he's going to be in the bucket. Oh, you got to get in the bucket.

My feet are sticking out outside, but my hindquarters and my lower parts are kind of tucked into the bucket. Yeah, so like a toilet. You're on the bucket and your dick is tucked in in the water. Well, there's a mesh hammock that he's sitting in. in in the water. Well, there's a mesh hammock that he's sitting in. That kind of dips his nether regions down. Nice. And then his feet can

be raised out over the edge. So you need a bucket with a mesh hammock and stirrups. Got it. It's just like a toilet where you lift up the bottom seat and just kind gonna put your entire bottom self in there except for the mesh hammock yeah because i have to do like meet and greets after and stuff i can't be like fully inside the bucket as i would be for the toilet i've had so

much splashback from shitting in the toilet but now i do the thing where i put my whole butt in the water and just it's a water birth more more or less. It just goes right out, right down the drain. There's nothing I have to worry about. It's like, because I used to shit, and then the splash, and then my bathroom window is street-facing, and you would hear women walking their dogs being like, good God, what the fuck was that? So then I added, started putting my butt all the way into the water.

In the water. And now I can't even, I can't pee from standing. I have to Superman on top of my toilet and get my pe way into the water. In the water. And now I can't even, I can't pee from standing. I have to Superman on top of my toilet and get my pecker into the water. Well, that's not unlike that awkward moment. Yeah. If you recall in that awkward moment when dude dick gets so hard from Viagra and he does have to Superman across his entire toilet to get his hard dick pointing downward into the bowl. I wish I could have been there on set because I would have said,

if this is the case, you use the toilet seat to hold it in place. That's what I did. I OD'd on Cialis. It was Electric Daisy Carnival in Vegas, and I had to go to the bathroom, and I couldn't get my dick to aim right. So if you put the toilet seat on top of it and push down, or you have a backpack that's heavy,

you can put the backpack on it and kind of hold your dick in place. And then you can just cut loose. You can let go. That's really clever. But we were talking about what real power is. Yes. And is it losing yourself? Well, and sex is about power isn't it

uh yes expand on that sex isn't about sex sex is about power yeah who got the power to make you bust and so like when we talk about like power it's like control and like being like incredibly disciplined and like fully in command. Yeah, you're describing my entire, my comedy ethos. Yes. And like making like. Control, precision, care. These like positive choices and like, yeah, being fully in command of yourself. So we want to do a power hour that is actually powerful, like for real.

Okay. Yes. And it is a power bar. Instead of beer, we will be doing salad. Mm-hmm. Okay. So. Where every, I guess, 10 seconds, because we don't have a lot of time.

No. We eat. A bunch of salad. Some salad. Okay. So every 10 seconds, we take a bite of salad. A bunch of it. Yeah. A bunch of time. We eat some salad. So every 10 seconds we take a bite of salad? A bunch of it. A bunch of salad.

And then for how long do we do this for? An hour. So that's 600 bunches of salad. And the power also is in bite. Can I have salad please? I've been talking about the salad and Kevin's waiting for his big chance to bring in the salad. It's like obviously now when I been talking about the salad and Kevin's waiting for his big chance to bring

in the salad. It's like, obviously now when I'm talking about the salad. Oh, one of my favorite salads, the super greens. Dry, big, plastic container of greens. Take your fork, please. Or do you not want to use a fork? I'll use a fork.

Okay. Here. Clam dog. Oh, good. Dressing. What is it about dressing? And this is from the Organic Girl, which I hate to do this in front

of you, Jordan, because this is sort of your ride. Jordan is known as Pesticide Girl. What? She's pro-deet? Yeah, so, yes. Pesticides Girl? Pesticides Girl, yes.

Did you not know that you're known as this from your farming practices? Is it more pro-chemical or anti-bug? Neither. It's anti-bug. All right, the clock went off. That's one bite. It's anti-bug. All right, the clock went off. That's one bite. Let's go, guys.

We have to do the one salad. And this is how we become powerful, isn't it? And the vitamins in the salad. This is fun to have as the first thing you have after coffee, is a dry piece of either baby greens, red and green Swiss chard, tat soy, arugula, or spinach. Which one do you think tatsoi is? Bro, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Hayes, you work at a co-op or something like that, I'm assuming. Which one is tatsoi in here? Tatsoi is... There's one tatsoi. Oh, you gotta find it. A bunch of every other thing. It's like the New Orleans cake. I believe there's a tradition like that in Judaism as well, but I don't remember exactly what it is. I already got in a little hot water for my Judaism opinions

on High and Mighty, so I'm gonna back off. Okay! That makes it sound, I hope, worse than it is. Do you want me to keep a timer? Yeah, no, we got it. No, we got it. No, we're good. I just keep getting huge handfuls of drawings.

It's every 10 seconds, so we just have to be kind of doing it constantly. Now, there's a dressing that Kevin has purchased that is a zesty cumin dressing. Would you like to say something about how that looks like

there's the workum in it? Yeah, I would love to say something like that. By all means. Well, I think if I polish off this bottle, I'll be zesty cum. Where's the hyena

when you need him? That's for an episode that comes out tomorrow. Oh, okay, yeah. Hard for me to keep track. I almost shattered the logic. You guys want to try zesty? I'll try it. Oh, no!

It's so much! So, I'm uncomfortable because of how much salad dressing Gibbert just poured on his salad it smells awful this zesty cumin is nasty dude oh yeah

it's got like the texture of shampoo it's like pearl colored and it tastes like pearl colored and it tastes like chlorine. Too spicy. Very zesty, baby. Now, Gabrus, you said you didn't have

anything to plug, but I know you're being modest. I did watch the movie Bombshell the other day on a screener. And in fact, do you want to talk a little bit about how you sort of got to live out your living room fantasy of cheering on Meg Kelly while she does her fang. Yeah. That was, it was very awesome for me to be able to be pro Megan Kelly, which I've been trying to be like back her up.

So for me to do that, not a lot of people know this, but my dad was a lighting technician for Fox five news in New York, not Fox news. So for me to get to play a role that was pretty similar to my dad's and make his weekly rate in one day was kind of like

a moving moment for me, a touching moment for me. Can you do your trailer moment? I'll do my trailer moments right here. And he folded his arms and he kind of nod with a little smile. yeah it's after i say give him hell megan um it was fun working with charlie's uh i haven't i haven't worked

with her professionally mostly just she plays in the poker game i play in and uh she's at a lot of the same parties but it was nice to work with her work with her and i wasn't a nervous wreck at all when the director asked me to fake mic her since i'm playing a sound guy and i have to touch uh her dress and chest area and i mean i guess i learned later just touch the dress i was trying to be like well a lot of the sound guys i interact with are absolute creeps so i want to i went back to that for a sense of realism yeah especially given the subject matter of the film. Right, yeah.

I was doing a little subtle meta commentary, and then I was told to back off that a little bit. But it was a wonderful experience. I learned a lot about women can be anchors, men can be sound guys. A lot of stuff came up. No, these traditional roles that we always think of, the sound woman. Right.

And like the anchor man. Right? Yeah. So when it's anchor woman and sound man, it just feels progressive and nice. And then learning like what a mastermind Roger Ailes was, was a lot of fun. That's really about that. Can you eat some of your salad please I actually can't This salad dressing

Tastes like Thai hot sauce Or something at this point And so you have no power If you don't eat it Okay I gotta get my power There's not a dry leaf in this basket Not a dry leaf in the house Some weed stuff you could do with that.

I was doing that. I was like, Jay Roach? Okay, I recognize you from my ashtray. Okay. Yes. Perfect. Was Austin Powers this episode? Because didn't he direct that? That also comes out tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I'm a precog. A lot of people know this, but you guys let me listen to the pro version ahead of time to see if I have any notes. I'm like the susser of the pro version. Or so you don't do any stuff.

I don't do anything at all. There's a pool of comedy ideas and we all sort of share from that. You know, you kind of get dibs and you pick yours. We have to mail the pro version to ourself. For copyright purposes.

We share with Gabrus and we say, like, we go, hey, what are you going to talk about this week? He goes, well, I'm going to talk about Judaism in an offensive way. And we go, okay, so we won't do that one. We're not going to do that. We'll put ours out a couple weeks from now. Yes, exactly. We're not going to do that. We'll put ours out a couple weeks from now.

Yes, exactly. We'll sit on that for now. And then we'll say to him, hey, we're going to reference Austin Powers every single episode. And a lot of times stuff gets stolen. We had a pro version where we were in Chris Paul's garage looking at his, we had like developed this concept where we're looking at his different trophies from like different, uh, like parts of his career and the teams that he played for are like

represented by the, yeah. Yeah. Uh, and then we notice we're like, Hey Chris, you didn't play for the bucks. There's a deer's head through.

Yeah. And then it turns out that it's a live male deer in his garage. Holy shit. And it starts. It starts kicking the shit out of his fucking car and knocking shit over. I mean, this fucking deer goes, forgive me, buck crazy. And so you are forgiven. Fully buck crazy.

And so have you not seen this commercial? I mean, I'm assuming there is some context you guys telling me this story. It became a State Farm commercial. Oh, yes. And then we got the pro version and we go, well, I wish that Chris Paul would get on this chain with some of us where we'll say like, hey, Gabrus, are you going to talk about shitting your pants this week? Because then we won't.

Right. And then we'll say. But then we have the clause now where it's like, just don't. You guys can never talk about shitting your pants because it's sort of, you know. No, we can talk about sitting in a bucket with a mesh hammock. Right, right. That's completely. Yeah, that's fine, just don't. You guys can never talk about shitting your pants because it's sort of, you know. No, we can talk about sitting in a bucket with a mesh hammock. Right, right. That's completely, yeah, that's fine.

That's yours. You own that. And now Sean did also talk about it in the episode that comes out tomorrow before you got here. Oh, okay. Well, we don't know if that part's going to be edited out or not.

We'll see. Because I don't think I'm talking about shitting my pants. I'm talking more this week, like a lot of stuff like shitting on glass and stuff. Well, but you also I think had spoken to us about, hey, I really want to do an episode

where it's sort of me like feeling around in the dark for a light switch for almost half of it. Just kind of there's a tone that seems like it might be comedic but there's not really an idea to it. And we said, come on, man.

That's our show. Yeah, it's hard when the note you give is sort of the idea behind podcast, behind the entire medium. It's like, oh, sorry, Picasso, don't use paint. That's what i'm doing over here and people like making people feel like they have come to like something when instead they have just gotten used to it oh yeah and they're comparing their experience to disliking it before now they've accepted it but they think they like it oh yeah they think they enjoy the red light that's right at the corner of their block.

But really, they just have seen it every single, or once a week, or twice a week for hundreds of episodes. And now they're just like, this is one of my favorite red lights in my town. Yeah. And it's like, this is water. You know what I mean? No. This is an idea I had. No, yes.

Where there's this. No, yes. There's's this... No, yes. There's these fish. Yes. Fish say, can you believe there's all this water? Yeah. No. Yes.

Exactly. Yes. No, yes. Exactly, yes. The old fish say something, right? Yes. Yes. And he says...

Yes. Yes. And he says... Actually, we're going to have to edit this out because I do this sort of exact... You do this? Yeah. No, well, I... This is water. Well, the old fish says, to me, the sky is water.

And the water is basically the air and the sky. And the water is like land to me. The sky is water to me and the water is basically the air and the sky and the water is like land to me so the sky is water to me and the water is basically air and the water is like air and land or like really the top of the water is like the ground to this to this like this fish yeah this old thing about this the old thing you think about it's upside down interesting like stranger things like stranger things in a way or i believe there's movie where uh there is like they're living in a city that's like partly upside down uh and i'll figure out what this movie is but it really is like this what the situation for fish you think about it like the sky is water correct because

you can't it is blue oh but they can't go in you can't, it is blue. Oh. But they can't go in, they can't go in there for, they can only go in there for a little bit. The sky is water. The same as me for the water. The sky is to water as water is. And then to them, to you, right? Uh-huh. No, yes.

Yes. Now, where do they land on the ground that's at the bottom of water? Is that sky to the fish? That's the moon. That's the moon. Okay. That's their moon. Got it.

Got it. That movie was called Upside Down. It was from 2012. And it's with Kirsten Dunst. Oh. Oh. And this really is. And that's with the old fish who tells you that the ground is the moon.

Yeah, it's about this story. And yeah, the old fish can only go in the sky for a little bit. It's interesting. And it's a lesson you learn with the toilet. Oh, salad bite. Oh, shit. I'm back again. Ugh.

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Yes. Babbel now has visual in-person lessons. Part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks babbles designed by real people for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations what does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them they're pulling it what does that mean does

their finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as I'm going. That's what I've been doing.

That seems dangerous. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned

in the real world. Studies yale michigan state university and others can't feel good to be others there continue to prove babble is better one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college babble has over 60 million subscriptions sold all 14 All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee. Here's a special limited-time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55%

off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash the boys. Get 55% off at babbel.com slash the boys spelled B-A-B-E-L dot com slash the boys. B-a-b-e-l.com slash the boys b-a-b-b-e-l b-a-b-b-e-l b-a-b-b-e-l.com slash the boys rules and restrictions may apply with babbel we can't promise it'll always be easy but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for

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calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to do supposed to help you stay a lot of these i know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that reservation for two me walking in my bedroom what's the second it's you and your bed

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They're the scourge of our modern life. And you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged. I know that I was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 Dresses before I found out much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a

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most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns in some cases. And so that was costing me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood handbook. Just a lot.

Hollywood Handbook just a lot and you see how with a power hour like this where we are actually becoming powerful and doing discipline we are

not talking about sucking ourselves we're talking about philosophical ideas water we're talking about the 2012 film Upside Down

with Kirsten Dunst and the nature not facetious bullshit we're getting into it. We're getting powerful. We're actually digging in, exploring ourselves, exposing ourselves.

That was a big fight, Ace. We're just sitting here exposing ourselves, putting the tips of our genitals in our mouths. Not talking about self-sucking and revealing things and being gross.

We're eating salad, having philosophical conversations. And also, cocks out, tips in our mouths. We're eating salad, having philosophical conversations. And also. Cocks out, tips in our mouths. But it's like, and this is the thing for him too. You can't get the whole thing in there. He's saying like. Oh, you can.

I've seen it. You've seen it get the whole thing in? Yeah. He's got to roll it up a little bit because it's about. It's hard to explain, but it's training. It's hard to explain but it's training it's like i don't know if i believe this it's a high level of physical achievement i think he can i think he does essentially a tongue tease with it i think that's what we're talking about okay we don't need to get into your search terms

hayes this is look gianna mich Michaels tongue tease. And I will prove it. You'll prove it? Before, yes. Like, as God is my witness, I will prove. Is that what all these pictures of Weiger with like red string connecting on the wall here in Earwolf? Oh, okay. Yes. It's math. It's just math. Oh, yeah. Now I see it's mostly

math. I thought it was like beware of this guy kind of situation, but now I see what it is. No, this equation was on the board when Hayes came in. He added the red string and solved it? Mm-hmm. He added the Weiger stuff. The string was actually here, too.

Oh, I thought you guys, I'm sorry, we can cut this later, but I thought you guys were trying to not comment on how much Hayes went Harvard since like the sort of backlash against Ivy League school stuff has come out. Is there backlash against that? Excellent school guy worked his fucking ass off. Yeah, that's what people used to assume. But now we assume like, you know, Dr. Davenport went there in the 60s. And my dad was like Jeffrey or something, which he was not. Yeah, it's a bummer you have to keep telling people that.

I know. I don't know how this got out. Yeah, your last name would be Epstein. Yeah. For starters. Yeah. I mean, unless. Yeah.

Well, it doesn't matter. This was a, that was was a you want to hear a joke I did for Big Lake one of the only ones that got on Chris Parnell walks into a classroom with a really complicated math equation on it

and he's like studying the equation and then he erases part of it and writes titty on the board with two Ds. Did you write for Big Lake? Yeah, I did. You really should have been. Were you an extra in that show? No, I played the pizza delivery guy.

And I don't even remember the context i was just i don't either i just had a pizza waiting in uh someone's office when they entered it must have been we must have met but it's a guarantee that you would have been on that show at that time at that oh yeah there's an absolute certainty i remember auditioning for the pizza guy role and it was like one line and i I had to go all the way to uptown to read for it. And I'm like, at the time, no, pretty much every single person involved with the show. Well, not every person. Yeah, not every person. I didn't know Hayes back then.

You had to work for it. I only knew tough, blue-collar Jersey guys that were coming up through there. Hell yeah. Not these elites we broke in these boys club your precious rarefied world seeing this is we like we get into it no we get into it we actually are the harvey oswald episode of Big Lake. We talk about all of these things. You guys wrote the

90, right? The 1090 deal? You had them all written. That was the deal with Big Lake. We got a 10 episode order and if it reached a certain ratings threshold, we would get 90 more episodes ordered right away.

We got it, obviously. We overdid it. Like, overachieved it, what we needed to do to get the 90. Wrote the 90. And we're like, you know what? I'm so tired and bored. Everybody was just like, Gethard is is like I could probably do better by like saying

that the show was like cancelled and like becoming an inspirational figure instead of what am I going to be like a wild success from this what's my identity it's really a smart move it's easy like not a lot of people

can do something like that, like spin having their own TV show and have 10 episodes of it air into a tragedy, into a loss. But I guess if the prospect is 100, you can sell that. I was a victim of being the lead of a TV show. Yeah, I'm fucked now. You can't do that if you get the 100. If you get the 100, you can't.

If you get the 100, you are in real hot water. Ask Charlie Sheen what happened with anger management. Guy got HIV doing that. No, it gave him... It gave him HIV. Yeah, tiger blood. Not a lot of people know he used tainted tiger blood that not a lot of people know he used tainted tiger blood

so unfortunately yes eat your food oh yeah it's time to take a bite it's been about 10 seconds since the last bite yeah and your door

how was your Christmas time how was my Christmas time or holidays it was good remember I do anti-semitism this week so let's ask Christmas time. That was my Christmas time? Or holidays. It was good, remember? I do anti-Semitism this week, so let's ask. Happy holidays.

Thank you, happy holidays. Would you like to know what I got as a gift from all my siblings? They all chipped in or they each individually got you the same thing by accident? Stitcher Premium Subscription. Oh, I wish. Check out the Gina Lombardo Show. That's good. Thank you. That's good thank you that's good

thank you I got money towards taking UCB courses woof that's what I said oh man your family's like

I look your fucking game is off let's get you yeah that's how I read it or they were like you need friends

yeah this will be the place to go yeah do you are you like lacking in white guys as friends? No. You don't find yourself around enough of them in your work? As part of your job here at your home. Is there anywhere that you could meet smug white guys?

Who were smarter than a lot of people in their high school so now believe themselves to be geniuses despite having moved to a major metropolitan area? No, I can't find that anywhere. That's what I've been looking for. You gotta take a Todd Faison class, dude. Money towards a UCB. Right, because she only got $700

so she could almost take the sitcom Russian Clips no they caught me a certain amount then I told them how much it actually wasn't there like oh we didn't give you enough and your sister was like I cut off all my hair to then your brother's like

oh no I donated so much blood. And everyone made these huge magi level sacrifices to get you into. Have you taken level one? I haven't taken any courses. Oh, yeah. Okay. A bunch of Hollywood handbook people, listeners, are really excited for me to do it. Don't call listeners Hollywood handbook people.

These are the Hollywood handbook people. Kevin, Clements, and you perfect uh uh the listeners are very excited for me and i'm i'm i'm not so excited yeah i mean i'm not excited for you either let's go i mean this is a good time to get in there should we like do it it's it's a sort of a cool underground thing right now yeah it's sort there's interesting because there it's very reminiscent of history like uh those guys who paddled out to the titanic and were like climbing on board as it was going towards the iceberg those guys were like yeah should we, should we get her prepped for day one? Yeah.

Do you want to, so day one. All right. I can actually probably do the one-on-one curriculum by heart at this point after year. I mean, I'm, I'm mocking the shit out of this,

but I have dedicated a huge chunk of the last 15 years of my, I took my first class when I was 21. So my entire identity through up identity through 25 to 35. Same here. 21 through 35, that's all that mattered to me was getting a sketch into Beyond Christides or Beneath Christides.

Beneath Christides makes way more sense. Not too shabby. Doing shabby this weekend? How many? Is it good that this is the last thing I ever thought I would ever get as a gift? Is that good? Like, am I going in and that's a good mindset? Yeah.

Like, you're the one who goes in and is like, hey, I'm just here. Like, I'm just like bullshitting. Yeah. They're like. I fully don't understand your question. They're like, hey, you got the goods, pal. You're sticking around. Really, they want you to pay for five more classes.

I remember one person in particular being like, you're serious about this stuff? You want to do it? I'm doing this as a joke. But they're hoping to get really discovered. And they are working in the industry today. Took the joke too far. So what does she have to look forward to? That's actually pretty, that's kind of fun too.

You should take a few UCB classes so you can see so that some of the worst personalities are rewarded with career success. Oh, great. Which is kind of a fun thing about the business. Yeah. And UC you know, UCB teaches teamwork and group mind, but really, if you stand out as much as possible as an individual, that's the way to get plucked

to success. But there are exceptions, like the people in this room who have incredible personalities. And no success. So, what does she have to look forward to? I'm not saying our personalities are good, but they are incredible. Yeah, like dictionary definition, our personalities are incredible.

Tell her about the first day. All right, so you'll do Crazy Eights. What's Crazy Eights? Play Hotspot. You'll play Hotspot. What's that? This guy doesn't even know how to do Crazy Eights. Call yourself a fucking comedian. Good luck in Hollywood.

What is Crazy Eights? Markedly more successful than I am. Should we do it? Good luck in Hollywood, guy who's doing better And has actively retired From comedy than me Nothing like mocking a guy Who's passed this entire Phase of his life I guess I mean technically

I'm past comedy too And just into podcasting Yeah he just puts on His headphones one ear at a time Just like everybody else. He's a normal human man. Salad bite. Salad bite.

God, I've eaten so much of this. Me too, but there's so much left. I recommend pouring cum all over it and it'll slow you down a little bit. How do you play Crazy Eats? Is it a game? It's just like you shake your body. One, two, three, fours? Is it a game? It's just like you shake your body. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

It's just like a lot. Left hand. It's essentially the hokey pokey. Your left hand, your right hand. But it's for big boys. It's for adults who are studying theater. It's the first couple of episodes. First couple of classes of one-on-one is about kind of

purposefully embarrassing yourself so that you feel less shame doing make-believe in front of, like, I found that it's just like, Breaking you. Yeah,

break you down to build you back up. We're sort of like the Marine Corps, except we make you feel goofy so that you're comfortable playing a Rastafarian orderly or something like that

later on in improvising. Not anymore. Not anymore, though. Right, that's not anymore though some of my favorite improvisers were known for their amazing Asian impressions those guys are all gone these days with a couple notable exceptions

some people still rocking hard then it's taught by people who had to do it so they're like I went through it yeah like it was good enough

for me I did crazy every week for five years before I was even considered for Harold Knight hot spot and that's called a cycle of

not abuse in this case no no embarrassment humiliation it's a cycle of just like what in this case. No. Embarrassment, humiliation. It's a cycle of just like, what?

Perfect. I already do that with you. I think you're going to like it, Jordan. I think I'm going to like it. I have another story.

And you have fun doing this. Wait, you call that last thing a story? That's a story. Okay. Can't wait to hear another story.

My stories aren't very good. This should be a Christmas story. Save all this for, I think, week five is when we start talking monologues in 101. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Coming from a place of truth. That comes up a lot in this industry.

Yeah. Giving monologues that are truthful. Yeah. I mean, it's really only important to the form, the Armando, which is what ASCAP is and all that jazz, you know? What was your other story, Jordan? I mocked it, but I'm not doing much better than you are. My other story is that thanks to Hollywood Handbook Pro version, a listener reached out

to me and helped me get out of an enterprise craziness thing that i had going on so i'm sorry are you like have you weaponized the fucking scoop troop to get things done for you jordan's uh like activated your fandom for on her behest it's like uh they yeah they jumped my car the other day i've got a fucking gig of uh uh dick pics coming in everybody no please don't no don't do that don't do that everybody on social media just calm down all of our listeners just let's that's a great moment just cool it a little bit let's take this moment to say that to your listeners the listeners of high and mighty podcast listeners in general i

would say anyone who's a fan of anything just chill the fuck out whether it's the clippers or star wars or comedy bang bang uh just chill. Just every single one of you. Cool it. This is an attitude that I would say extended from podcast fandom into the geopolitical climate. There has been a ripple effect from essentially the Earwolf Reddit.

The Earwolf Reddit is swaying government elections. Yeah. They're like the CIA of the 80s. And so now we're in this place where everybody just needs to just chill out. Just a little bit. Truly. Not all the way. No, but.

Not all the way. Keep listening. Keep supporting. Oh, God. Do it more Keep buying Fucking Delivery pillows

And meals Getting shipped to your house Keep doing all that That we love Wait there's pillows I don't have pillows yet Trying to get on I build my house out

Based on podcast advertising I'm like fuck Our microwave's out I'm like We gotta get A microwave company on board Tell them to send me Our company Will send you a microwave that can fit in a small box. And when you open it, it becomes a full-size microwave.

And you just send it right back. You microwave one thing and send it back. Keep doing all that, but stop extrapolating what you think more about hosts' lives based on something they've said on the mic. Stop interacting with them in person in a way that's terrifying, even to me, who's got pretty savvy social judo skills. And I'm still scared of a lot of you freaks out. And pretty loose standards for what's appropriate behavior in public. Could it have something to do with that you talk about nutting just all

the time? I will say that my choices of topic and the fact that I like to roast people means that people come up to me and are like, what's up you fat fucking loser? You guys like IPAs? you fucking dorks? And they like fucking try to get me, and I'm like, yo, I'm different than you.

Got bad news. You're the fattest fan of mine, and you're calling me a fat funk. You just won Gabrus' fattest fan in my annual competition. Where you send pictures of the underside of your gut after sitting with a big belt buckle on

for a long period of time. So I can see what kind of fucking dents you have going on underneath there. Wow. So I'd like to thank the Shears winner. That's not our fan base. No. We have a lot of people who are sort of like

scared of the base. No. We have a lot of people who are sort of like scared of the mirror. You would like them to keep helping you with stuff. No. What did they get you out? We have already encountered, I cannot have a Tinder profile because people know me because of the show. And it makes it super awkward. Y'all don't want to be on Tinder. No. No. But maybe your Scoop tube fame could get you on raya good and then you could be

2020 goals yeah then you could fuck djs oh no no okay fucking djs is goals this at a concert though at a show a show. Wow, at a show. At a show, under the booth. Thanks for backing off calling a DJ performance a concert. Sorry, I'm still confused. Much appreciated. Real musicians everywhere, and magicians. What did they get, what enterprise

did they get you out of? So, I had a tussle with enterprise when we had, we were talking about my family vacation back in November. I can't believe I missed this episode. I'll go back and listen. I gotta hear the family vacation. Yeah, it's the pro version.

I don't have Stitcher Premium. I can't figure out how to get it. The big headline was she went to a bar. I went to a bar that closed. It's my favorite place in the whole world. But under my breath, I said, and I'm mad at Enterprise. And they skimmed over it, and I was totally fine with it. And then randomly.

I'm going to go back. I'm a little Easter egg now. Yes. Randomly, a listener was going to work at Enterprise, and they heard it and said, how can I help? And I was like, I don't think you can help. They are accusing me of certain stuff. Okay. All right, I will say this story has-

You don't have to say it, but we can guess. This story has so many details, except for you. You're like, it was a tussle. They did some things to me. I have no idea what the crux of the disagreement is. It's more of, I don't want to give out too much information because she did help me and they contacted me

and they apologized to me. Oh, shit. And I was like, whoa. Oh, nice. So. And you're going to upload your W9 to the cloud, right?

And let the Scoop Troop help you do your taxes this tax season? Yep. Are they called the Scoop Troop or are they called Handbook Heads? I forget. I'm sorry. Scoop Troop help you do your taxes this tax season? Yeah. Are they called the Scoop Troop or are they called Handbook Heads? I forget. I'm sorry. Scoop Troop.

We don't do any of that anymore. You've learned that engaging with them is dangerous. No, we just forgot. This salad power hour thing is like the most public concept we've had, and we haven't even done it. I mean, I've eaten a plethora of salad. I do not feel well. I put the joke putting on the cue.

Yeah. The visual gag of pouring all that dressing on the podcast didn't land. And it's backfired. We all laughed. I was loving it. Where do you guys see this show going in the next 10, 20 years? 10, 20 years? Patreon for starters.

Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.