Hollywood Handbook - Jordan Morris, Our Sci-Fi Friend

Episode Date: June 18, 2018

Sean and Hayes are joined by return guest JORDAN MORRIS who's doing the "Bubble" sci-fi podcast and now he's doing another one on this show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You've probably done it in a story before. I know that you have. Yeah, that's why I'm asking if you were doing it again, because this was... Well, there's only so many things. No, and that's why you do it, is there's not that much to do. Let me see if I can do the exact same thing I did last... I don't remember, but it'll probably end up taking the same shape. It's me and Scooter. Braun. And I'm wearing my big bag, my big backpack.

Yes. And it has all my. The Allspray? Yes. It has all my, the Allspray. It has all my important documents in it. My pills. My, it's also a little car.

So I can take it off and kind of straddle it and scoot along. Like Scooter? Like Scooter. Well, he, of course, has his signature Heely, so he can effectively become a scooter at any time. And the thing is mostly downhill. Yeah. This isn't anywhere near the same one you did last time. What was it last time?

I think it was mostly centered on. See, this is so crazy, because when I was on the trail, I was like, I've done this before. The whole time. In my memory, and I could be wrong, I believe the story was mostly centered on, like, the fact that she finished the trail and needed to fuck immediately. Okay. Like, it was something about that. Yeah.

Sounds a lot closer to the movie you know when the movie came out yes and it was like you being like i did the same trail and so i immediately like had to fuck afterwards and maybe this is just in my maybe that's just what you talked about maybe you just told me this was an interesting thing to me about the movie oh yeah maybe but i remember it being a story. Okay. Well, no one else will. I mean, who will go look it up? Well, what I was thinking is I don't even want to tell you that I've heard you do it

before because someone knows much better than me. Right. I'm barely present for the show. No, I know. I could see it. No, you're doing it, but I'm just saying. I'm barely retaining any of it. I haven't heard it in a long time.

There was a point where there was a mythology and a character element, and that's gone, or it's contradicted constantly. We'll check it. It's like, and I live in a basement apartment. Stuff we grabbed. But it's all fake. I mean, it's just like, oh, right, I guess people might care. But you can see, and can't you see how three of them happen now?

Oh, yes. Let's lose all the insane manual labor we're doing all the time of having to remember three things about ourselves in front of the microphone. So we ran into this big wolf that we had. It was this injured wolf that we had just beaten up. From what? You were beating him up to save him. Well, eventually, after we first encountered him and beat him up to dispatch him.

Then he's injured, and there is a special form of beating up that you do to get their heart started again. It's very similar. Yeah. The same kind of chest pounding thing. You just do that again. Well, and you reset all the fractures and stuff, too, with very specific karate chops. You reset all the fractures and stuff, too, with very specific karate chops. You do the exact moves that you did before backwards, and you knock everything back into place. And now it's a dog. Then this is essentially the process by which the first dog was created.

And now it's like now a reverse wolf. Well, the process by which the first dog was created was doggy-style sex. Okay. No, I don't know. This is your thing. I don't know as much about that stuff. Well, it's just science. I mean, we want to talk about science.

Like, how did they create the first dog? It was through doggy-style sex. Right. I mean, if you're talking about the domestication of the wild canine. Right. I mean, if you're talking about the domestication of the wild canine to make it coexist with humans, okay. But if you're talking about the literal creation of the first dog, that was through doggy-style sex. Who was doing it? God. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

And we do call it that. What up, what up? And everyone's having fun. And we take stock of the last three years and we're looking at you and I are still here. Or maybe even more. What was the last time you were here, Jordan Morris? Are you kidding me? Boy, it was about maybe three-ish years ago.

Yeah, it might have been even more than that. I heard Hayes say three years and I've got that stuck in my head now. I want to say episode 19 it was. Sam, keep track of, I know you can only see the top of my head, but watch this.

When the front of the hair is looking in that direction, that is I'm looking at you. And we just do a quick go into search mode. I'm in internet. Go nuts. Jordan, the guest, Sean, Hayes Davenport. Podcast.

Podcast. Listen. From the show. Comedy. iTunes. Apple Podcast. Number one jokes. Fun. Humor. Meme. And I Apple Podcasts. Number one jokes.

Fun. Humor. Meme. And I think that should probably bring it up. Mm-hmm. White. It goes, the first thing that pops up is, everybody's got to eat. I think that's an episode of Who Charted I did.

Ah. Yep. When was that? That was July 25th, 2017. Okay, so we have been doing other stuff. Brought to you by ZipRecruiter. This whole time I've been thinking like God, Jordan's back here again. It's so embarrassing we're doing the exact same thing as we were

doing before, but I actually did Who Charted. Who charted you talk about? That was great. And people talk about that as a pivotal episode of that show. Yeah. You know how like when you talk about breaking bad. Send cool-off packing. Yeah. When people talk about breaking bad, there's like Fly.

You know? Yeah. I love that. But then when they talk about Who Charted, there's. Everybody's got to eat. Everybody's got to eat. Everybody's got to eat. Kind of changed the game.

And also like Fly, they only did it for budgetary reasons. Sure. And people were just like, oh, this is the best episode. And they were like, well, so we can just not spend any money on any episode ever again. I loved it. It was so cool that he's looking for a bug. You know? Yeah.

And I didn't need anything to happen you know well I mean I think I don't know if I mean I love to geek out about this stuff yeah you guys know me I love to geek out about this stuff oh yes

you're like the master cinephile of course like absolute student of the art form which is shooting films you know I mean

I do call them flicks. I mean, like flicks like Jaws. Because it's fun. Yeah, they are. Because it's fun to take something that is so serious for you and approach it with a little levity and say, hey, I'm seeing a flick. Sure. A screening of a flick.

But to take the dumbest movies that are for babies, but approach them in this very smart way and to find angles on them that nobody would normally expect because they're so stupid. You know what? I mean, I was watching Deadpool 2. By the way, it goes there. I don't know if you guys have seen it. It goes there. Okay.

Yeah, I haven't seen it. I wrote all the dubstep jokes. Really? Yeah, that was my idea. Those were great. I loved those. Yeah, I thought it was so funny. It was so great. Well, it's so now. No one has really talked about it. It's this new music that's just starting to

peek its head into the mainstream. And he's like, uh, is it a thing? And I'm in the audience going, yeah, it's a thing, Deadpool! It's a thing! But you also had interesting, like, social, like, commentary on the movie that you were able to observe. To justify sort of your career as a movie geek. Well, and also you often will find so much intention behind the way something is shot poorly or looks bad.

Right. And you'll be like, this is a choice to sit because this – because things are bad. Or, you know? Yeah, it's commentary. I mean, listen, I don't know how political you guys get on this. But, I mean, we've got this. We get raw as fuck now. I hope so. And we actually will go there.

Yeah, we'll go there. We're like Deadpool 2. Because, I mean, it's been a while since I've been on the show. I mean, we don't know exactly how long. Three-ish years, we think. But the world is so different. I mean, if we could have... Can you believe it? Can you almost wish that we'd go back to the first time we were doing that episode? Yeah, we would flip!

We would go, hey guys, there's gonna be a reality star in the White House. No, if I could get in a time machine and go, and just go tell me like, hey, there's gonna be a reality star in the White House, No, if I could get in a time machine and just go tell me, hey, there's going to be a reality star in the White House, I feel like I would be going, the old me would be going,

what? That's a little on the nose. That's nutso. But we're creating a science fiction concept, aren't we, Jordan? Yes. Just sitting here in conversation, we have organically come up.

We're time traveling. It's kind of like reality star. It's like, hello, does anyone have Black Mirror's number? Yes, thank you. No, because we're cooking up something for season five right here. A real Black Mirror. Yes, and it is like a Black Mirror because people are listening to podcasts on their Black Mirrors. Yeah, sure.

And what they're hearing is the world reflected back. Oh, the phone is our black mirror. I didn't know that. You got a little shadow. Well, you didn't know that because yours never is black. This guy's always got the screen. It's true. Always on.

I love my device. Sending a text. The only time it's black is when you're on the Black 20 website. If you remember, they had some money for comedy people at one point. There was like this website that was like, hey, we'll give you money for a comedy video that was like 10% of what the original run of Super Deluxe was or something. But it also went just as bankrupt and then has not returned yet. But just like with Black Mirror, we're coming up with these concepts, but we're also using an eyedropper to dole out a little social commentary at the same time.

With a part, a component of this that we just did. Well, Black Mirror is saying stuff, sorry to interrupt, but Black Mirror is saying stuff about actually right now and this. Yeah, I mean, they're set in the future? Or in space!

Yeah. But it's Earth. Right. Real stuff. Yeah. And you're – it seems like, Jordan, you're actually not picking up on what I'm doing, and I'm trying to be nice and make the suggestion in a nice way. You have this sci-fi podcast that's happening. Oh, right.

I do. I do. Yeah. You know, as I said before, you know – Bubble, bubble. I geek out. I go there. And, you know, I just wanted – I was just kind of looking at now.

Now. Yeah. In this moment, how people are telling stories. Right. And it's not just TV, which is the greatest medium. But it's – I mean, it's everywhere. It's podcasts. It's tweet storms.

It's TV with the, like, the – no, picture. The picture off. Right. But otherwise basically the same. Yeah. It's tweet storms. People are roasting each other in the comments. Yeah.

Owning the libs. Yes. That's a form of storytelling. We're finally getting them so good. But I guess I listen to the show. Yeah. Which, by the way— Production's great.

Can I just say the production is great. And congratulations on finishing it thank you yes that was my big takeaway oh I mean I've only heard

the first episode but I mean it's gotta be done but it sounds like it's probably done if you're doing the whole thing yes

well I mean there's still some editing left to be done but even the first episode when I listened to it I was like this is definitely done now

just for the first episode it's like I think this is the final version of that episode it has a beginning a middle and an end it's true I think this is the final version of that episode. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. It's true.

Yeah. And a name. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Credits. Need we go on. And like having all the equipment and stuff, it's like that was a challenge.

I found a typo in the episode title, but I don't know. Whatever. Okay. Well, thank you. Just write that down for me on a piece of paper and slide it across the desk. Yeah, because the episode sounds finished, but there's a typo in the way you wrote the title of episode one. It's fine. But what I thought it was missing was that social commentary element.

Well, can I say, and sorry to interrupt, can I say science fiction is such a rich opportunity for allegory, isn't it, Jordan? Yeah, because, I mean, people look at Star Wars and most people, like most people who go to see Star Wars, like most people that are in there, they're looking at this and going – they're saying to themselves, well, I love these space battles. I love these monsters. But it's not saying anything. And I'm like, hello? I mean, you know. And so, yeah, I mean, i think that's what i was really trying hello the laser sword is the supreme court thank you yeah thank you could you not tell that and

darth maul is like the the president yeah jimmy carter yeah and yes i mean i'm saying am i the only one who noticed a lot of similarities between admiral hucks and this clown we have in the white house yeah that's right. And all the other bad characters that are the same. They're also very similar to this clown we have in the White House. Even Maz Kanata. He doesn't even deserve to be called a clown.

Yeah, it's an insult to clowns. Yeah, because they're actually making laughs. Except for the scary ones. Man, I am freaked out. I'm so freaked out by clowns. I'm so freaked out by clowns. Isn't that like an interesting thing?

Well, because their intention is to be funny. How do you feel about the word moist? I hate that word. Me too. Nobody say that around me. Metz call is smoky. Nobody say that around me. I'll fucking juice my jeans.

So wait, do you like the word boys? No, that's what we... Stop saying it! That's what we hate about it. It makes us bust. I'll freaking juice my shorts. Now look, I gotta stop you guys here. Yeah.

I think that what Hayes is saying about your show, while it's very mean, it's very true and right. And you're not doing the fucking thing, man. The whole point of sci-fi is that it's a very rich opportunity for allegory. No, you're right. And you could be talking about some of what's happening right now, like Black Mirror and the Oregon Laser Sword that's supposed to be the freaking Supreme Court. Yeah. I mean, I did write it a long time ago, so I wanted it to be kind of timeless. Okay.

You know, kind of timeless, like the Deadpool franchise. Yeah, you wrote it when you were like a little kid. Yeah, and it's been a passion project for a long time, so maybe that's what you're picking up on, is that's the reason why it doesn't have a lot of now sprinkled in. Yeah, okay. That it stands out of time. I guess Deadpool could exist at any time.

Oh, sure. I don't really know Cable could. Yeah. Yeah. He's doing it. Yeah. And, you know, like, yeah, I mean, I think you could show Deadpool to, like, a kid in the 50s. Deadpool, I mean, if we go back even farther to, like, the freaking 1250s, he's something of a Falstaff the Wise Fool.

Right, yeah. Isn't that sort of the Deadpool archetype? Yeah. I mean, to go further back, like Italian street clowning, I mean, he's the emboldened doctor. Yes. Yeah. I mean, what is Deadpool's sword but an oversized syringe? Uh-huh. You know? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I mean, what is Deadpool's sword but an oversized syringe? Uh-huh.

You know? Yeah. Mm. So, I mean— And then go back even further, he's a—well, some of the cave paintings they put, like, an extra big dong on or whatever. Right. You'll notice.

And, like, the cave painting— And I think that's—Deadpool was the one drawing those. There's a great— It's kind of funny. I saw a great—I mean, I was watching the Werner Herzog documentary. I love docs. I love docs. Yeah.

I just love docs. Yeah. I love them. Yeah. Docs. Don't docs me, bro. Yeah, I wouldn't dream of it. I was watching the Werner Herzog documentary about the cave paintings.

And there is a, and there's a. Cave Forgotten Dreams. Cave Forgotten Dreams. And there is a, there's a, there's a warrior during the great hunt, and all the other warriors are looking toward the buffalo. But this warrior is looking out at the viewer, and he's saying, I want to fuck Betty White. Whoa. Yes. I mean, again, Deadpool is part of a rich tradition.

Because even then, though, you know what's crazy is even back then she was old. Yeah. Yeah. And he's – yes, that cave painting is sort of a Deadpool figure. He is, yeah. I love that. Deadpool's a recurring archetype throughout storytelling. No, it's true.

Everyone has, and everyone has that one friend, don't they, who's sort of a Deadpool? I do. And if you're saying to yourself, I don't have that one friend, you're that one friend. You do. You're the friend. You're your group's Deadpool. Yeah, you can't spot the Deadpool in the friend group, buddy. And I know lots of people listening to this are like, okay, that sounds a little familiar.

I guess I am sort of the Deadpool of my friend group. So you fucked it up. You didn't do it. And there was a big opportunity for big money. Also, another thing I noticed in the credits for the vocal parts, which is honestly 60% of the show, because every fucking person in the entire city did this thing. Anyone who's willing to talk on a mic basically got to talk on a mic. Even for one second, except for myself and my friend Sean. And of course the Glemdog as well.

But you guys are, I just assumed, and here's what I assumed when I was casting, because I did not ask. I did not ask. Okay, because I wondered if I missed it.

Yeah. I did not. But I just like, I look at you two and I'm like, they're just so busy. They're so busy. I mean appearing on Who Charted, pivotal episodes of Who Charted.

Yeah. And then whatever I've got going on. You know, you've got that dog. Yeah. And those are a handful. Yeah. He needs a lot of attention. So I just kind of assumed you guys were so busy because you guys have a lot of projects.

That's nice. Yeah. I guess I am a little busy. The dog, we have a schedule and we don't really want to mess with that. And I'm actually in conversations about going on Who Charted again. Oh, yeah. I mean, and that's a process, you know. Oh, yeah.

Wheeling, dealing. Yeah. Coolop. That's crazy. I mean, need I go on? Sure. Yeah. I'm not sure if I will get back on there.

Coolop was sort of my in. And Howard seemed to tolerate me. And sometimes not even that. So now that he's kind of steering the ship, I'm not sure. Is Coolop not on it anymore? No, she's not. Now it's Tosh. Oh, he's great.

So funny. Yeah. I mean, a real classic Deadpool figure, you know? Yeah, Natasha Poinom. Yeah, he's TV's Deadpool because he's looking at you. He's like the cave guy. Yeah. He's looking at you and he's talking about he wants to fuck Betty White.

Oh, yeah. And he's going like, watch this guy getting tased on his skateboard. So people listen to this show and they're like, okay, Jordan did a sci-fi scripted podcast. Are these guys like really going to do just like a version of that? Like he comes on the show and they do their own sci-fi scripted podcast. And it's like, yeah, we are going to do that. That's exactly what we're going to do. So, Engineer Sam, can you do the Terminator music for me?

Mm-hmm. With your mouth? Oh, yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And then that loops. And then do it again, yeah. It's a movie-length song. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. That loops for like an hour. Ah. Okay. So, you're not going to do it. Just do it, Sam. Keep doing it. Please, Sam.

You did it right. Yeah, that does that. Sam, please, please, please, please. Please do this. Please, Sam. Sam. The year is 2020. Everybody's in big trouble.

It sucks. It's freaking sucking so hard. They can't drink water. And because the water has too much salt and everywhere and not a drop to drink the salt water, just like in that old poem, but it's new and it's now. And the problem is toxic max salinity. So you hear what we have here already, Jordan. I love this. I love where this is going.

The environment. Yeah. You've got to wear. Yeah. Which is one of the things you need for journalism. We have a very clean play on words. Yeah. That is the foundation of the idea.

Sure. Yes. But it's relevant to these conversations that we're having. Yeah. about pollution. People are saying it's basically like if you are a man now just like trying to exist in society, it's like you are poison. Totally. I mean which is tough for me because I'm someone who loves to hug women. Yes.

I love to hug women. And now I'm like, can I do that? Yes. They're acting like you are poison lava, basically. Yeah, am I still allowed to greet a stranger with a hug? If she's a woman, no. This is crazy. I kind of don't think so.

So you see how we— And she's like, what? So we have these ideas, and now we can play this out. This is great, yeah. Just do weird music from the future, please, Sam. From YouTube. Sam is, I feel like with Cody gone, the pressure is off Sam a little bit. Right?

Mm-hmm. I feel like the pressure is on Sam to fill Cody's role. Okay, so I'm just like a normal guy, and I flow. I love that, by the way. I love that you're just a normal guy. The main person should basically like a normal guy, and I float. I love that, by the way. I love that you're just a normal guy. The main person should basically be a normal person. Sure, an audience surrogate. Thank you.

And so I go up to this girl, and I'm like, hey, what's going on? Would you like to have a normal conversation with me? Great dialogue. This is really great. You have a great ear for dialogue. Thank you. And you can hear the voices actually coming through very clearly as as well yeah and i'm creating a character with just my

voice yeah okay i'll have a normal conversation with you but can you please remove your hand from my shirt pocket okay i mean i'm just i'm just saying hello i'm just like human touch is like the foundation of all like good feelings in like society it used to be something that we could just do and not like freak out about it i'm so freaking thirsty there's no water a government No water. A government sniper flies through on a drone, standing on a drone, hovers through, and he freaking snipes me. A normal guy. Because in this society, even just having a conversation with a woman. Literally having a normal conversation. It's a death penalty.

Because you said the conversation was normal. That's how I know it was. That's the first thing my guy said. And my guy's the most normal guy. And he's a normal conversation. It's a death penalty. Because you said the conversation was normal. That's how I know it was. That's the first thing my guy said. Yeah, he said it was normal. And my guy's the most normal guy. And he's a normal guy. Yes.

And then the woman goes, she goes, Sorry. It's okay. That's good. She goes, Hey, she goes, Hey, thanks, sniper.

And he tips his hat. He goes, No problem, ma'am. And then he puts the gun in his own mouth and has to friggin' shoot it because he talks just because. Can I also be a character?

Yeah. Can I throw in? I was sort of hoping that you would jump in. Hey, man. Hey, I'm a junkie. I need to get my fix. Oh, wow. Of what?

Internet access. Whoa! Internet access. So! Internet access! So you have that because... People are addicted to Wi-Fi. You're gonna get hit in the crosswalk, dude. Yes. Oh, bitch. That's right. Yeah. Oh, mega.

That is so right. Sorry, I mean, I'm just a world builder, so I'm kinda good at this. Whoa, savage! All these people with their heads down in the crosswalk. Yeah. Getting mowed down by cars. Yeah. Like, whose fault is this really if we're thinking about it?

Steve Jobs. And then, hang on, so that gives me an idea. Okay. Excuse me. Hey, pull over. Hey, I'm the cop here. Hey, did you happen to get the license plate on that pedestrian who was illegally looking at his screen in the road?

Because that's what should be illegal, not just driving. Right. So that's one good thing about this world. So it's not all bad. Well, they've corrected some problems, but then others are worse. Yes. Which is progress. Yes, that's right.

Or at least progress, what you're calling it these days. No, and that's what we call it. But yes, there's always unforeseen consequences to solving the car problem. Yes. And making it illegal to be walking. Yes. But also, at the same time, you create this new problem of toxic masculinity. This like lives in the gray area. I love this. That toxic masculinity. This like lives in the gray area. I love this. It like lives in a really

cool space. Well, it's complicated, you know. Kevin, come back. Just in case. Kevin, get back in here. We might need something. Nothing right now. Nothing yet, but you can't be anywhere else. Okay, everyone. Let's gather around for our daily prayer to our god, Steve Jobs.

Oh. Mighty Steve. Wow. Oh. Steve, mighty Steve. I love Steve. Oh, yes. Please receive my tweets, oh lord. Please receive these tweets as a penance. Oh, I love to wait in line for freaking like an entire day and like set up a freaking like camp with firewood and marshmallows and everything

while I'm just waiting for a phone outside a store. You see these guys lining up? I swear to you, Hayes, I said the same thing. Meanwhile, you walk across the street, there's an HTC store right there. And the phone is just basically also a phone. And you get a prepaid one at 7-Eleven and some Go-Go Taquitos. And I'm not waiting in line on the street like a bum. There's no food at the other store.

Stop telling people this because now I'm afraid I am going to have to wait in line when people go to do the freaking smart thing I've been doing, which is go to 7-Eleven. Right. It's Go-Go Taquitos. It's a freaking big-ass hot Right. It's Go-Go Taquitos. It's a frigging big-ass hot dog. It's frigging Perrier. They have the Andy Warhol bottles. The green apple. The ones that I drink.

He's my favorite artist. Yes. He's so cool. So good. He had an IQ of 12. Never forget that Andy Warhol's IQ was 12. He measured essentially underneath the chart. He was subhuman.

And he made some of the greatest soup campaignings of all time. So you get that. Top 10. Easy. Top 10. Easy. Well, no. Well, I disagree.

Well, disagree. Okay. Agree to disagree. Okay. And this is the taste thing that I see in Bubbles sometimes. I know you're sensitive about rankings because now everyone lately has been going, oh, is LeBron better than Jordan? Sure. Yeah.

And I see all this conversation and I go, well, I had Jordan on the show three years ago. I thought he was pretty funny. But at the same time, LeBron's doing memes. Yeah. And he's been an Earwolf as well. So? And more people wanted to take a picture with LeBron than what I saw outside anyway. No, yeah, nobody asked for a photo, actually.

But maybe they were just like, they felt weird. Yeah. It was, you know, you want to play it cool. Yeah. But no, no one asked. Let's go back to our this crazy world. Yeah. Speaking of on the way in,

I ran into Scott. Oh. And he acted like I was being annoying to him. Like he couldn't wait to get out of the conversation. It's like, Is it in the parking lot? Yeah. Oh yeah. You don't want a parking lot, Scott. It's not the best Scott. And it's fine. and it's fine, you know?

Like, that's a funny kind of joke to be like, oh, I'm annoyed, get away from me. But when it's the only joke you do with me, I start to be like, okay, enough. I'm going to roast you in the comments. You will make it public at the conference. I will drag it out into the street. Now, what were you going to say about the sci-fi? Well, I just thought we could

dive back into this very fertile world. Have we named the place yet? Outer Space. Outer Space. Great. So, we are, everyone is floating Right In the world

In outer space And so there's like A normal guy And he's floating along And he's listening to A podcast I love the details By the way

I love Right Knowing that this guy Is normal But it's a It's a Unscripted podcast And he's enjoying

Sure Sort of the spontaneity Right How Sure Not everything Yeah Like not everything hits scripted podcast. And he's enjoying sort of the spontaneity how, sure, not everything hits. And they go on tangents and it's fun. Yeah, sure.

But it feels like there's a warmth to feeling like you're part of a real conversation. And it's safe to tune it out for 20, 40 minutes. Yes. And then kind of check back in. Yeah. You don't have to feel like you missed anything. Put it all in the same shit.

Meanwhile, a freaking government sniper comes through. We got a different one than the one from before. Because he killed himself. Yes, and now it's a woman now. It's basically open season on men. That's amazing. I love seeing these strong female characters. I love seeing these strong female characters, by the way.

I thought if I did a gender flip on the government sniper, it might be a little easier to pitch. You know who this would be good for? Awkwafina. Yes. This would be great for Awkwafina. She's really having a moment right now. It's time. It's time.

The government sniper zooms in and trains his freaking laser sight on the normal guy and says, that's a she now, she says, hey, only freaking scripted podcasts allowed in this world. Everything has to be planned out ahead of time, and it has to be the best version of itself, like, every second. Oh, yeah, and it can't, like, kind of give up on itself halfway through itself, the podcast. If someone says they're married to Steffi Graf, they stick to it.

Yeah, and even long after it stopped paying any sort of dividends, if it even did ever at all. And then she freaking shoots the podcast. Does the person die, or does he just hit the phone? No, the person joins the resistance. Oh, cool. The person goes underground into the caves where the freaking people that actually unscripted podcasts are forced to live now. Welcome.

I am Jordan Klepper. Thank you for coming to the resistance in this, the year 2020. Do you think we can get Klepper for this? In outer space. I don't think we need to. I don't think he legally owns that name. Okay. So we could just cast a Klepper type.

Busboy is tough with you signing over your own name. So we could just cast Adam Conover, and he could say he's John Klepper. Oh, yeah. Just film the top of his head. He has sort of a Klepper-style head top. Jordan Klepper is leading the resistance in battle against the people who do scripted podcasts. Wow. Just got an elephant in the room here.

Okay. In this... Stop the music, Sam. In this... Can you find some sort of elephant noise? Uh-huh. That's a good segment idea. Something you can't do on a scripted podcast, by the way.

You can't have a segment idea midway through and then do a half-assed version of it. No, you never get to. Even segments. Are you? Scripted podcast is a big, just a big, long thing. And it's, you're never being surprised, really, are you? So thank you. Elephant in the room.

Are you saying in this, if you created a sci-fi world based around the idea that my scripted podcast is kind of a Skynet-like catalyst. Well, it's not hard sci-fi. Yeah. It's not hard. Harder the better sci-fi. And here's why it's not hard sci-fi, if I could make a little statement here real fast. Because it is actually the world we're living in now and it's not even

science fiction it is science reality yeah no you're right it's open season on white men and unscripted podcasts yeah like if you were

going to write this now up as a comedy sketch it would be you need to walk that back a little bit as an impartial you need to walk that back it's too unbelievable

as an impartial comic who's just a neutral observer – It's our job. I have noticed – and I'm just watching. I don't have a horse in this race. But I have noticed that unscripted podcasts and white men seem to really have a bullseye on them. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. And I don't care either. I go wherever the wind's blowing, and I think it's probably good in a lot of ways, but isn't it also very dangerous to attack unscripted podcasts at white men? And just as a neutral observer, I will say a lot of people who used to be white men doing unscripted podcasts, I have seen them essentially bending over to the government authorities and going to do these scripted podcasts. Mm-hmm. Because that's, I guess, what society wants them to do. And even more fudged up, if I may say, is some of the white men who were doing unscripted

podcasts have been just left out in the cold and not even offered the opportunity to bend over to government authority and do scripted podcasts where, not that they ever would because they're punk rock badass, but just to not even be asked. Because they hate, they do not obey orders and they do whatever they want, but they might have wanted to do that. Yes. They might, that might have been coincidentally the thing that they wanted to do at that moment. Could have been a good

transition for them and maybe they would feel like there was some kind of future there. So that's just like what, you know, something I noticed. So yeah, so in this

resistance, you have an underground resistance of white men doing unscripted podcasts. Okay. But nobody, in the resistance, nobody focuses on race.

That's good. That's nice. It's not about that. And it focuses on race. That's good. That's nice. It's not about that. And it's so dark. That's your trip. Yeah. And it's so dark down there in the underground. Some people don't even know.

Where the resistance lives. Right. There is no race anymore. You can kind of tell by people's voice sometimes. It's all merit-based underground. And their customs. Well, and their accent. It's a totally merit-based system underground.

But again, kind of gray area. I'm kind of liking some of this dystopia sounding pretty good. Yeah. And there is really only one main difference. And that it's not 2020 yet. And believe me, when we get there, if we get there. Yeah. I'm starting to wonder. This episode is going to feel pretty. People are going to look at it and go. Yeah. I'm starting to wonder. This episode is going to feel pretty.

People are going to look at it and go. Yeah. Go, oops, they warned us. Did you say what year it is in Bubble World yet? It's 2018. Did you say that? Yeah. He says it's happening now, but it's happening somewhere else.

Okay. Someone says the year, too. So, I know what the twist is. Yeah. Okay. It's heaven. Shit! Fuck! Really? Did you know that from the first episode? I knew it what the twist is. Yeah. Okay. It's heaven. Shit! Fuck!

Really? Did you know that from the first episode? I knew it from the very beginning. God, it's heaven. I know. I thought I was playing a long game. I just love Lost. You know, all those other shows where some shit turns out to be heaven.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Wow, man. That was heaven. I hope the fans don't listen to this because... Well, now you can always do it. Then why'd you do it? No, hang on.

Why'd you do it then? I don't know. You think we asked you to come on? No, you wanted to do it. I approached you. You wanted to promote your thing. I rudely approached you. But I didn't know this was going to be an Ed Harris is the man in black situation.

I feel like I'm in Reddit right now. Sean will light you up in the comments. Man, I'm preparing myself for a roasting. Wait, is Lost Heaven? Let them live. So you can always say, like, Sam, what they did to Sam was people were like, this is heaven, right? And then they were kind of like, no, it's not. And then just, like, never is heaven, right? And then they were kind of like, no, it's not. And then just never really decided whether

it was or not. I guess I still have time to change it. You can always do that. You can just be like, no. No. Whatever you were obviously planning to do and people pointed out, you'd just be like, no. That's a dumb idea. I have to go right now and then run off. And then you don't really write stuff, you just kind of

delete it. Yeah, right. So we do need Mitch in this thing, obviously. Mitch has to be in every one of these fucking things. Here's a name for a therapy podcast. Talk Sick. Okay. If you want to make one. Yeah.

I mean, that's kind of where things are going after Scripted probably. It's all therapy now. Yeah, it's healing. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of where things are going after Scripted probably. It's all therapy now. Yeah. It's healing. Right. Healing podcast. Could that – I mean, I guess theoretically that could be a part of the name we already have, which has the word toxic in it. Toxic.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Toxic mass salinity. Max salinity. Max salinity. Yeah. Yeah. Toxic mass Max salinity. Yeah. Yeah. Toxic mass serenity.

Oh, okay. Toxic mass serenity. Serenity. Another thing that I love to geek out about. I love geeking out. I'm a brown coat. Sorry. Yeah.

I'm a brown coat. I'm a Whovian. The aliens. I'm an Avenger. Uh-huh. And I'm a Deadpool. That's what they call Avengers fans, right? We call ourselves Avengers.

But dude, more like boss Whedon. Yeah. The dude. Such a mega boss. Does it all. That's cool, dude. Freaking rocks. Does it all.

Oh, yeah. So good. Did you name your character, your Mike Mitchell character, whose name is Mitch Murray? Is that a reference to Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross? It is, yeah. I mean, I love to. I love, listen.

I'm a Whovian. I'm a brown coat. I'm an Avenger. And you're a mammatologist. And I'm a mammatologist. So, yeah, I have a lot of references to Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, Red Belt, Oleana. So Alexa, eagle-eyed. Sure.

Eagle-eyed mammat. American buffalo. American buffalo. Yeah. Eagle-eyed mammat spotters. We'll get some of these references. People who don't know it are going to be like, what's this about? Speed the plow.

Speed the plow. Speed the plow is so good. Very good. I mean, House of Games. House of Classic. Others. Spanish Prisoner. Yes, yes, yes.

What is the other one in the town with Alec Baldwin? Oh, yeah. And they're in the town, and the big showbiz is corrupting the town, but the town is also. Oh, state and main. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Haze. Kevin. Moist much?

We have to. Let's elephant in the room. Yeah. We've all juiced our jeans, right? Yeah. At this point in the conversation, we've been geeking out to the point where we've all juiced our jeans. It is like a Beetlejuice thing where if you say moist three times, I flood my basement. The juice will appear.

I flood my basement. The juice will appear. Kevin. Works every time. We have to figure out. There's been less and less Kevin in this show. Let's see. What do we do with Kevin? This is a new elephant in the room segment.

Kevin had. I think that's an African elephant or an Asian elephant. Well, if you look at the ears. Yeah, that's the key. I can't see the ears. The Asian elephant's ears look like Asia. Mm-hmm. The continent.

Yeah. Am I allowed to say that? I know. Yeah, I kind of feel like I can't. Honestly, it's crazy. I think I can't. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

They look like Asian America, LGBT, XYZ. You've got to say every letter in the freaking alphabet any time you are trying to talk to a woman. And you can't just hug her. Yes. From behind even? You can't hug her from behind. You can't surprise a woman anymore.

Okay, you don't like it from this angle? You can't physically surprise a woman. How about from don't like it from this angle? You can't physically surprise a woman. How about from behind? How about from the side? Try this. Hey, Siri, am I allowed to lock arms with a straight woman on an escalator anymore? Can I intertwine our arms? See?

Nothing. Hey, Siri, can I do that? Siri's like, you're under arrest. I'm a woman too. Oh, my God. Fuck, man. It sounds crazy, but I think you're not allowed to do that. Helping someone.

If you were to write this comedy sketch and hand it to Lorne Michaels, he would say, do a rewrite. Yes. It's too crazy. Yeah. Yes. Too on the nose. It would certainly be cut for time. Yeah.

Yeah. He'd go, could Julia Roberts be in it? She's good in everything. Yeah. Yeah. He'd go, could Julia Roberts be in it? She's good in everything. Yeah. And so now we watch all these women falling down escalators. And you say, well, okay. Okay. Maybe if we had sort of like a buddy.

Yeah, a buddy system on the thing. You anchor each other. They're crazy. They are moving so fast. Yeah. And there's no support system. And even the arms is moving. Yes.

At which point you could get tangled. You have to grab one of these arms. Your legs are dragging on the ground as it's pulling you all the way up. And at the time, you know, at the time it's time you have to get off. You're not ready to get off. No. No. And you essentially are this close.

And I'm making a tiny sign with my fingers, this close. You wouldn't believe how tiny that is. To becoming essentially part machine. Yeah. Yeah. So how about a little human connection to fight off the machine overlords that are trying to steal us? Just let's slide our elbows together and kind of lock them aside while we're on the escalator. Yeah.

And then three, two, one. We look each other in the eye and step off at the same time and then go our separate ways. If we want. Or we get a drink. It's almost like they are trying to separate the genders or essentially take men and put them in the – I mean, not when it comes to the freaking box to Siberia like Nermal. To do war. Yes.

And, yes, and to do war. But – Which we come from warriors. Right. But so you think about – Warriors, hunters, gatherers, storytellers. Yes. So we think about who – just let me play this out because I think I am making a big discovery here.

We think about who benefits. You always have to think about who benefits. And women aren't holding men's arms on the escalator anymore. What are they holding instead? What is everyone freaking holding all the time now? And they can't even stop looking at it. Red vines. No.

Like a stress ball? They don't have to hold the red vines all the time. They're just eating red vines. Until they're done. Yes, until they're done. But they hold it all the time. They're always looking at it. Sour Patch Kids.

Like a pet? Like a rodent? It's their phones. Oh! They're always looking at their phones. Wow. So you think about who benefits. Now their hands are free from holding men's hands. They're holding this phone.

Oh, you know who else benefits too? So you're on your phones. Red Vine's on the other hand. You're on the escalator. You get stuck in the machine, and you're not paying attention to get hit by a car. Yeah. And who gets benefits? Where are you where there's a car and the escalator. You get stuck in the machine, and you're not paying attention to get hit by a car. Yeah. And who gets benefits?

Where are you where there's a car and an escalator? Who gets benefits? People texting and driving. The Grove. Oh, so they're, okay. I'm at the Grove. The Grove. All right.

Outdoors. People text and drive. They drive their car up an escalator. It's true. Okay. So you're doing that. So who benefits? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The doctor. Yes. Yes. Okay. So you're doing that. So who benefits?

The doctor. Yes. Yes. Big pharma. That doctor you were talking about with the big syringe. Yeah. The classic Italian clowning character. Yes.

I feel good. He benefits. Il doctore. Yes. He's the one. Wow. It always comes – you always have to just like think about this. So just step back every once in a while and be like, wait,

what is happening? Like, what are they really trying to do to us? What's going on? Yeah. I know it's not what people say is going on. I just had a thought. You know who benefits? Okay. So, you're going to this doctor. You've been hit by a car at the Grove.

You're just trying to – Your legs are machines from an escalator, remember. Yes, your legs are machines. You were just trying to hold a woman's arm on the escalator and maybe like flick her ear to surprise her. You get hit by a car. You go to this doctor and he's got a mask on with an elongated nose. Okay. Pin, okay. Pinocchio.

Yeah. You get addicted to prescription drugs. Yeah. The opioid crisis. Which is basically what Wi-Fi is now. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. You get addicted to opioids and the free Wi-Fi at the hospital.

Yeah. You die. Yeah. You know who benefits? God. Because he's getting additional angels. More. Yeah.

The angel economy is nuts. Yeah. Yeah. God is obsessed with getting more angels. He is. And making dogs by having sex doggy style. The original angel investor. So we can see what is happening with Kevin.

Can you play the elephant noise, please? Yeah. We're trying to think of a way to get Kevin more involved in this episode, and we ended up just getting off that and having even more fun without him. Yeah. And it makes you wonder, do we need Kevin? He reached this sort of peak Kevin-ness in a live show we did like a month ago now or something. He was like a huge part of it, Jordan.

But now ever since then, he just kind of comes in, takes a picture. He's sitting there. He feels sad. It's sad. Kevin, this is your time. Let's give Kevin a little platform can we play like a pig noise or something

Kevin's yeah Kevin's trough yeah Kevin's trough this is when you can friggin oink it all up Kevin's idea trough

gobble it up and so this will be good for you find us any truffles big boy carve out a little bit of space to talk about some of the sci-fi shit

that's tripping you out you you know, that is happening in real life. Hey, guys. Chef Kevin here. This is Kevin's trough where I talk about the sci-fi stuff that's tripping me out. Not always, but that's this one. For this one, I'm going to talk about what if Westworld was in space? Change the location to where they went up in space. And, you know, if you think about that, it'll trip you out.

You don't even have enough to sustain the length of this pig sound clip. This is ten hours. Okay. Episode two. Hey, guys. You have Kevin here. And welcome back to Kevin's trough. But relate it to your life.

Be the real, you know, the real stuff that's happening for you. Some real stuff that's been happening to me is I joined a cover band, and I think people don't respect cover bands. Well, that's almost like sci-fi. Make it sci-fi. Can I do a more interesting version of your Westworld scenario? Please. With no pigs?

Do, like, the King's Trumpets. This is on YouTube. Oh, that's good. So imagine a world where it is Westworld, where some of the people are robots. But then gradually, one by one, it turns out that every single person in the world is a robot or a Cylon. And so you have this universe of characters, and some are robots and some are humans. But one by one, basically, it turns out that every single person on the show is a robot. Or in the last episode, they're like, we were all robots.

They're Cylons. And who are they telling? Ultimately, at that point, and the people watching, I guess. Yes, they're talking to us, Deadpool style. That was fucking cool. Can I get a noise? Can I get maybe like a race car? Like Vrooming up, maybe?

Like a... Just like getting ready to Vroom? It can be a stock car. He's very selective with these. Yeah, no, he's an artiste. He's going to do it, get it right. But how does he notice from the screen grab? You can tell if you've known him as long as he has.

So what if there's a world? Some people are robots. Some people are Cylons. Some people are real people. But then those real people die. There's also Terminators. There's also Browncoats. There's also Avengers.

Vision. The vision's there. Wow. I know. And then one of the robots goes to the hospital, and the robot doctor comes in and says, I'm sorry, ma'am. Your baby is a human.

Ah! I know. Whoa. Wow. Black mirror, dude. Okay, I guess I need a sound, too. Yeah. Can you get me, like, a thunking, like, woodblock sound?

See, these would have been better King's trumpets than the one I got earlier, where it was just one guy. This sounded a little sarcastic. That's good. So there's a freaking robot. And he's asleep. Oh, man. And at the NOS world, he was dreaming all the robots. Shit, dude.

Yeah. And he goes to the doctor and he goes, I had this crazy dream about the robots. And the doctor goes, oh, don't worry about that. Go to see this magnificent clown. He's in town. He's a robot clown. And he's sort of scary to me. I'm scared of clowns.

But I know that other people think he's really funny, and he does these amazing tricks, and you'll never have bad dreams again. And the robot goes, but doctor, I'm scared of clowns. Bye. Wow. I'm scared of clouds. Bye.

Wow. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.