Hollywood Handbook - Julie Klausner Again, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Hayes and Sean speculate as to some other interesting superheroes who could be fighting each other in a movie. Then JULIE KLAUSNER joins the team to redo her celebrated musical episode of the show except not with Dave Matthews this time.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so it's a big after dinner munch down and i'm chomping away uh and and steven jenkins yes and benji madden yes start fighting over the difference between a chocolatier and a candy maker. And they're just at each other's throats. Can't we just enjoy the chocolate?

Enjoy the candy? I know those guys. And I go, guys, because it's never actually about what it's about with them. And I go, guys, I know the difference, and I'll make it real simple for you. And I grab a big handful of chocolates, and I throw them in my mouth, and a big handful of jelly beans, and I throw them in my mouth,

and I go, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And even those guys got a crack up at that. Breaking the tension. Yes. And it was such a great way to diffuse it because, of course, Steven had a Bowie knife out and was cutting his own chest, being like, I'm showing you how tough I am, Benji. You should honestly go to the Gaza Strip.

Yeah, and just cool everybody out. I really have been thinking about taking a trip there and to some of the other fucked up shitty places where they're just being stupid. But some of the candy there is not, you would not like. Well, you would need, yes, because some of the candy is like goat candy or something, yeah, and it's too crazy for me. And it's not always got washed right.

So I would like to go there and I would like to cool everybody out, but I would probably have to bring my own candy and they're cracking down at TSA about that stuff. Yeah. What was the argument? So. How could they disagree on the difference between a chocolatier and a candy maker? Well, Benji feels that a candy maker is a chocolatier.

Oh, okay. And Steven's going, well, chocolatier is it's entirely on category and Benji's like no you can be a candy maker and make chocolates and so you are a chocolatier but you make other candies and Stephen's saying no it's much narrower than that

if you're a chocolatier you're a specialist I will think about it some more hey welcome to Hollywood Handbook an insider's guide to kicking a button dropping names

of the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. It's like the difference between a novelist and a writer. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Yes. Squares and rhombuses. Oh, Hayes.

No, squares and... Squares and... You're right. Thank you for being gentle about it. No. Squares and... Squares and... You're right. Thank you for being gentle about it. No. Haze. You're right. It's squares and diamonds. And this is why I sort of wanted to start the show, because I didn't want to get into... to overextend myself with shapes.

Which I could tell was going to start happening very soon. That we're going to get a pretty deep water. I was going to start to mess around with shapes that might bite me back a little bit. And that is what happened. Yeah. But what... Speaking of rectangles,

that's what you see the movies on. And the big movie now, Superman vs. Batman, you think, well, it must be Superman and Batman vs. the bad guy. Well, I actually go see the movie and then talk to me about how they're fighting each other. Yeah, and they're punching and kicking. It's pretty scary. And what it makes me think about is these are two good guys, really, who's fighting each other. And it's a misunderstanding.

But because it would be so natural to see a good guy fight a bad guy or even a bad guy fight a bad guy because they're both mean in their core. Yes, they don't like anybody. Yes. What it makes me think is, what other good guys could you see fight each other? Just, if this works, why not try it again with some other superheroes? As a thought experiment. Yes. Like, I would be sort of interested, for example, to see Mankind face off against thought experiment. Yes. Like I would be sort of interested for example to see Mankind

face off against Elizabeth Warren. Yeah. Two superheroes, Elizabeth Warren beating up the big banks. Yeah. Maybe the big banks hire Mankind and Mr. Shocko.

Maybe Mankind is making Elizabeth Warren eat Mr. Shocko. I Mankind is making Elizabeth Warren eat Mr. Shocko. I am curious about if Buzz Lightyear were to really get into it with my neighbor Jessica. They're both good. So good. Yes. Jessica is so nice. She's so sweet.

And really takes care of herself and has a very good body. Yes. And doesn't, like, you know, she's not like one of those neighbors that's like always trying to talk to you. She, like, is often just like sort of hiding in her place when you go by. No, yeah. She's one of these neighbors who's so polite that if you are even approaching her door,

she'll turn the lights off. Yeah. She'll draw the shades. She'll hang a gone fishing sign on the door. Yeah. She never wants to bother you. She wants you to have your privacy, and she's so considerate that it almost veers a little bit the other way

where it can be hard to talk to her. I think she's shy. She's so much a superhero. Yeah, she's such a superhero, and I will try to bring her over when I've baked up some brown butter blondies, and I just, like, no way I could finish this. Yes, turning the fan on so it kind of goes toward her door

and you're hoping that it will draw her over. Yeah, and no, not anything. She turns the fan on to blow it back. But what would she do with Buzz Lightyear? He's small, but he's got rocket blasters. Right. So I just wonder, the two of them going at it, how does that look? Sure.

And then there's probably a movie in there. And Jessica, if you're listening, let's work together. I would love to see a real showdown between Adele and America's Top 40, which is something that's been going on. It's been brewing for a long time where Adele has been dominating America's Top 40 over the years. But America's Top 40, I think, is going to be around for longer. It's very hard because America's Top 40 is not a person.

It's an institution. So it fights by just existing for a long time. Yeah, and that's a tough battle. Stop. Ryan, stop. Engineer Ryan, stop. Sorry, what did I do? You took a picture at a weird time.

You just made a weird choice of when to take a picture. I am terrible at these photos. Ryan, the two of us are alone without a guest. Yeah, I noticed. Sorry. Yeah. And it makes me wonder if you are trying to have us talk about you like you're a superhero and be like, oh, I'll do... Oh, Engineer Ryan versus... I'll do such a brave deed at Arthur from the Tick.

You know, it's like... Dude, he would crush you. Right. He'd shatter your butt, dude. Ryan. With one mighty punch. He would honestly eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I can't think of a superhero that wouldn't eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Like, remember Colin Farrell said that in the... Do you remember? No. Oh, it makes me so sad because I thought I was saying it. No, Colin Farrell says it when he made the naughty video. Oh, he said, I'm going to eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Oh, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh, no.

Yeah. He's talking about Hernaneno. I'm always picking stuff up from those videos and forgetting where they come from. Yeah, and you're always watching them in your downtime. Yeah. With your headphones in on your phone when I first come in to the record and just keep holding up your finger like I need a minute. Oh, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

That is what it's from. Yeah. Anyway. And that makes me wonder why I associate that with Ryan's face. Why are those so close in your mind? Well, the human mind is a curious beast. There's all sorts of blind corners that you can find yourself turned down. Yeah.

If you want to go exploring in there, I find it's best to bring a flashlight. Tom Green versus Bam could be interesting. Oh. Because they've been both destroying their own parents for so long. You know, the bad guys that are their parents trying to make them be nice and be boring and go to sleep. Yeah. Or just not have like porno on their car or whatever.

How do you wake someone up with fireworks if they never go to sleep? with fireworks if they never go to sleep. I often think, and I am scared of this idea of this actually becoming a fight, but Macklemore versus Ryan Lewis. I don't even want to. I don't. I'm just saying. No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying.

No, no, no. I don't even want to. Two forces of pure kindness. I don't want to explore it. It's too sad. It's really too sad to think about because— They could destroy each other completely. It would just be a waste.

It would be such a waste. I would be so, so sad to see that. And I am so sorry that you brought that up. And I'm sorry that we did this segment at all, honestly, because— Now, just to put that out there— That it's in people's minds. It's such a scary idea. And a true villain would find some way to turn them against each other.

Yeah. And is that what's happening in Batman versus Superman? Who's pulling the strings? Who's making them want to fight each other? Is there? I mean, Lex Luthor is also a producer, is the name of a producer, like a music producer. So I imagine it would probably be him. So Lex Luger, if he's doing, he's like, hey, Macklemore,

I'd love to work with you. And then Ryan Lewis is like, wait, why are you working with a different producer? And then he's also like, and Ryan, I'd love to rap on some of your tracks. Macklemore goes, those are my tracks. Yeah. But they don't know. He's pulling the strings. Yes, and that puppet master somehow makes those two angry with each other.

And then pretty much as soon as the first punch is thrown, okay, gay people can't get married anymore. It all goes backwards. Right? Yes. You have to wear brand-name clothing, and you're not allowed to get it from the thrift store. Macklemore goes and spins around the earth and reverses time

so people can't get gay married anymore. And you have to buy a $50 t-shirt. Yeah, you have to buy a $50 t-shirt with a big label and big name on it. You aren't aware of your privilege anymore. Yeah. You have to be addicted. Not sorry about winning the Grammys anymore. Yeah.

He's glad that it happened. He loves having the Grammys, and he uses them to pick his teeth after eating a big plate of ribs. We have a no napkins. We have a pretty good guest today. Julie Klausner is here. Heard of it. To talk about musical theater again. And she's on Difficult People.

And now you can take a picture, right? See, do you see how... Just the flow of these things and when is a good picture time? The energy is like lending itself to. Yes. And I'll even move in close and maybe you can get me and Hayes together. When did you have glasses? I just got them. During the show?

Yeah. I went and got them just now. Because before. Yeah, you got them prescribed. There were no glasses and I think he's trying to before. Yeah, you got them prescribed. There were no glasses, and I think he's trying to make me think that he's super bad. Take the picture. Nice.

And he waited until I wasn't looking. Great photo. No shit. No shit. Guys, if the photos suck this week, please do email Engineer Ryan. On Hollywood Handbook. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. this week, please do email Engineer Ryan. On Hollywood Handbook. Bop bop.

Bop bop. So, I'm in salad class with Ken Watanabe. What? You salad class. I talk to you about salad class every week. Oh, right. This is the thing with the, you take it from, tell me again. Don't act like you don't know.

No, you've talked to me about it. I just haven't always. It's a class where you learn to make fine salad, not just fine salads, or any like quick salads or gourmet salads. Oh, with all the ingredients you said yes because last week they were teaching you how to put a raisin very small yes and so this week yeah you know i've been preparing my bacon sriracha vinaigrette uh and i was a spring break and i'm drizzling the spring mix huh and what this at a spring break, and I'm drizzling the spring mix.

Huh? And what? Oh, the dressing. Yes, the dressing. And I don't even remember where I was at this story. No, go ahead. You keep saying, huh. Well, it's very confusing the way you tell it.

What's confusing about it? You're just all over the place. It said I was in salad class, and then the next thing I did was make a salad. Okay, yeah. I mean, it just lost me. The way you told it was not very good. But go ahead.

I don't have to tell it. No, now I'm curious. I don't want to confuse you. No, now I'm curious. I honestly don't know a different way to do it. You were in a solid class. confuse you. I honestly don't know a different way to do it. You were in a solid class. You had bacon

raspberry. I know you know what it is. Yeah, I do. Because I talk to you about it all the time. Mm-hmm. Because you didn't get in? Is that what it is? Oh, I don't even remember. That's a billion years ago. Eons ago.

Was that even the same class that I didn't get into? Anyway, I'm making it, and every time I look back at the bowl, it's gone. And then I have to request new materials, fill it up, put more vinaigrette on it. The crazy dog loose? And then I turn around, it's gone again. That's what I thought. Yeah. I thought a crazy dog loose? And then I turn around and it's gone again. That's what I thought. Yeah. I thought a crazy dog was loose because of the bacon.

But too spicy. Oh, sure. And then I hear Ken Watanabe saying, Mmm, it hurts so good. And then I know he's eating my salad, my bacon sriracha salad. And I guess he was trying to get ahead in the class for me because I wouldn't have any salad because he was eating it all.

But I still managed to graduate a whole semester ahead of him. Okay. And they made him present my degree. And he took my spot. Well, good for you. I still don't totally follow what you were talking about or why. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names

in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Word up, word up. Sometimes we do an acclaimed episode and everyone claps. And they say, we love it. They say we'll never forget this one. Yes. And we want to do it again. And so that's what we're going to do today.

We're going to do an episode that we did before. Instead of one of the extra episodes that we normally do, we're just sort of doing it. This one we're actually going to put some work into and have it be good. Funny, smart, nice, memorable. Tricky, dastardly. Devious.

Devious, conniving. Wicked. Nefarious. Cunning. Linguist. Julie Klausner is here and her episode I think if Hal ever puts up the paywall Julie Klausner is here and her episode, I think if, if how ever

puts up the paywall, which they are going to do any day now. I saw them building this thing and you cannot get through it without a big pile of dough, brother. They'll laser beam you.

Mm-hmm. The wall? Yes. It's like a never ending story It's got the big sphinxes Yeah Rock people Dust

Yeah if you're not pure of heart Even if you look like a brave knight You could still inside if you're scared Then forget it You're smoked Unfortunately So in case that ever happens We are taking

Being nice charity, taking some of our old episodes and doing them again. Oh, are we doing what we did before? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Recreating exactly.

I'm just going to try and remember what we did. Okay. But a little different version because, so last time we did a jukebox musical for Dave Matthews' band. Dave Matthews, yeah. Yes. We cannot do that again.

Yeah. What happened? Well, we got in trouble with the law johnny law came and said and really dave law said stop using my songs and and my last name's not law it's matthews and he said you can't that, and I'm jealous of how good you did it, I think was sort of the undercurrent from his voice, that he was jealous we did it better and had a better story for a lot of those songs. So now what are we going to do, Hayes?

Original musical. Original musical. Oh, wow. Our own songs we write. Our own jukebox. And when Dave Law knocks on the door, hey, can I use these songs now for my concert, finish my album? Then we send Dave to court.

Gotta go to jail now. You sue him for asking you to record your songs. When he hears how good these are and they're really better. He'll do them on his podcast. He'll do them on his podcast. Does he have a podcast? Oh, God. Julie, everyone does.

What's it called? Oh, Julie. What's it called? Oh, Dave's. Under the Podcast Table and Dreaming. Mm-hmm. I think. Casted stuff.

I imagine the theme song is really good. Yeah. It goes a little something like this. Oh, wait. I can't do his songs. Oh, I got it. I cued us all up for it. You bummed us out.

Too bad, huh? I should have just done it, you know? But then we'd have to go back to court and what happened last time was very embarrassing for you. What if I just changed some of the words? You didn't accept the plea? No, no. What if I changed the word podcast in the song to smodcast? Then we're in trouble with Kevin Smith.

But then they cancel each other out. Oh, right. They have to sue each other. Why didn't you settle? Don't settle for cable. Go ahead. Here comes my good smartcast. Hey, you better download and listen.

Don't forget to subscribe. That's how it goes. Like my Facebook page, get on the forums. Hey, all of my listeners. It goes on like that. Anyway, he of my listeners. It goes on like that. Anyway, he says smog gas. Usually they send you a cease and desist before there's even like, you know what I mean? Like usually you just get the letter and you stop doing it.

Well, how often that happens to you? You seem very familiar with the process. I think it's surprising you guys went to court. That takes a long time. And I feel like I was here just a moment ago in my mind. Well, Hayes is obsessed with SVU, so he's seen a lot of lawyer stuff. Do you feel like you can just watch a marathon of Law & Order whenever it's on? It's like a box of Bon Bons.

And then it's like four, five, six, seven days later. Later in the day. And you're like, I've watched all of them. I've seen them and they always are so great. It's comfort food, isn't it, for us? French fries. Isn't that true? It's French fries.

Try to eat just one French fry. It's crinkle cut fries. I feel like my youth, Coney Island and all that. You grew up in Coney Island. I started to, yeah. What happened again? Took a bumper car down the coast. Drove it all the way out.

All the way out of the state. So that your adolescence was spent in? Niagara Falls. It went over Niagara Falls. Mm-hmm, yeah. He was the first guy to take a bumper car over Niagara Falls. Took a bumper car over Niagara Falls right at the peak of my adolescence. Hormones raging, waters raging.

His voice was deep when he came out of the can I do it again I said hey now can I do it again you said that about puberty well yeah

yeah yeah I wouldn't want to go over the falls again terrified me but stronger for it, what doesn't kill me in all that?

Bingo, bingo. We're having a corker of an episode and this feels just like the first one. Yeah. So we're doing a jukebox musical

without the jukebox, really without the music, but we are going to be making some songs and what do you want a musical about? Well, we have to pick a subject in something that's hot.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but remind me what my role is, because last time I remember you guys were just asking me for my opinion. Thank you for your apology. Yes. What do you mean just asking me for your opinion? Well, I'm not sure if you want me to be a creative collaborator. You know what I mean? You just asked me, and I'm wondering if that's a suggestion from the audience.

God. Well, this is what we're asking right now. Am I in the room? Are you negotiating? Am I in the room? You know what I mean? Am I in the room? What do you need?

What is it? I just want to know. Obviously, you have an agenda. There's obviously something you want. I didn't come in here with an agenda. I just want to know where my place is. Okay. I just want to know where my place is.

Okay. You can be assistant boss to the king of the musical. Who's the king? Well, probably Hayes. Yeah. Okay. I'll take it. Just the way I kind of present myself.

I'm the archduke. It seems like I would be the king of the musical. And I'm the Archduke. right Haim Milton yeah yes and Milton like that nerdy Simpsons character everything's coming up Milton remember Bart's friends of them

what a dork how come Bart is so cool and badass and his friend is this dork his only friend is a dork

make you wonder really yeah and he's constantly getting beat up yeah is he as badass as we think

well that's interesting actually that's cool there so. That's cool there. So anyway, it's Hey Milton. That's the hotness. Everyone loves it. Can we get in there? Top it. Yeah, can we top it?

Famous person we can do something about. And since you want to be assistant boss, maybe you have an idea for famous person. Like a historical figure? Ideally. Reen? Is that a female version?

Historical figurine? Yes. Like a ballerine. A? What about Baryshnikovs? That could be interesting. He was a man. He already has music around him.

That he dances to. We want someone that doesn't have a musical connection. Bobby Flay. That's good. I mean, maybe more political than we wanted. I had a pitch and you just react to it. This isn't taken away from your role.

Joe the plumber. That feels red hot. In terms of just what's tweeting right now. I'm going to be honest with you. I love that idea. It feels good. And so this is why maybe the previous

role we'd set up for everyone makes sense. No, I feel like I want to be higher up on the chain because I'm so excited. It's like, you know how everyone's all about OJ? You know? This is like a little after OJ. This is J-O. But it's still

Yeah. Oh, I, okay. What was I saying? You said this is after OJ. Yeah, but it's still not now. No. No. Yeah.

No, we don't want to do anything that's now. Because we don't know if it could stand the test of time. Yeah. Like Joe the Plumber has held up. He's been vetted by history. Well, it's also like he's never left the public. Right, exactly. We're always talking about him.

He never stopped. But not singing about him before. No, we haven't sang about him or heard him sing his story. Yes. So that feels like the right area. I'm glad I come up with it. So that feels like the right area. I'm glad I come up with it.

And now let's say what he did, just so we have a framework of what some of the songs will be. And I seem to remember that he is friends with John McCain or John McCain pretended he's his friend. I thought it was more about Sarah Palin than John McCain. You think it's that. Well, because it's nice to have a female lead, I think. And already we have a rich song where it's, is it McCain or Palin, you know? And doesn't that feel like a sort of reggae island beat? Was the first thing where Obama was trying to talk and saying all this stuff, and then Joe the Plumber was like, hang on, what about this?

And Obama was like, you know. Yeah. So maybe the – Yeah. I think that might be right. And we don't – one thing that's a little tricky. Yeah. We don't want to take sides in terms of if we like Obama

or even Joe the Plumber or anybody. It doesn't need to be a political show. It's a show for everybody. Do you like music? Do you sort of remember what Joe the Plumber was about? Yeah. What if we open at a press conference and the first musical number is at- That's good.

Dude. You guys look like you're into that. Mesa. Yes. So the ensemble- That So like the ensemble. That could be the shit. That actually fucking owns, bro. So what if you have, you know, you have the ensemble, you have like swings and they're all like buzzing, right?

Yes. And then. Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama. Have you heard about Obama? He's doing all the stuff. He's on his way here right now. He's wearing your muffs. It's so cold outside because it's doing all the stuff. He's on his way here right now. He's wearing your muffs. It's so cold outside because

it's Chicago in the winter. And then all of a sudden it's like fucking the plumber. You know? And dude's got a plunger. Oh yeah, we've been talking about him. Obama's out first. Sorry! What about this? Everybody's waiting for Obama

to come, right? And then there's like a lag, there's like a pause, like silence, and you hear a toilet flushing. Oh no. Who's got a newspaper tucking under his arm? And a big stream of toilet paper coming out of his butt.

I see where you guys are going, and I respect that direction, but I was actually thinking that Joe the Plumber would come out with a plunger he fixed it all set in there he's not even here for the press conference well then you want to hear it not working first well then he comes out and he's like just a minute Obama will be right out

I just fixed his toilet so Obama was on it while he was working on it that's very intimate I while he was working on it? That's very intimate. I think he was just peeing. Uh-huh. Okay.

Sitting down? No, he was standing like a man. He was standing the way that a man looks like high noon. You know, like behind the cowboy shoulder. Yes. That's how I do it. Behind the villain shoulder. I sort of do it high noon where, like, my hands are kind of ready to draw. And the toilet is the villain.

Just in case I need my hands. Right. The toilet is the villain. Yes. Right? Yes. Even though the toilet's wearing white. That's right.

He's got a white hat. Oh, yeah, and you've got a black T-shirt on. So now I'm thinking, Hayes, are you sort of black-bort? And is the toilet... Black-bort. Black-bort. Black-bort. Oh, from The Simpsons.

This is an interesting thing to consider, actually, which is all these characters should be black. Oh, I don't know. Like Hamilton, you mean? Yes. Like it should be a diverse cast? I know people like that. Except Obama. Except Obama, yes.

Who should be like from Alaska or something. Do you think that would confuse the Sarah Palin? The Sarah Palin. Yeah, so I guess they can both be some kind of freaky Eskimo. Sarah Paleface. That's good. Maybe the characters are Native American and they call her Sarah Paleface.

I don't think, guys, I'm just giving my two senses. I think we should steer away from the racial stuff altogether. Julie wants all white people to be doing every show. Every role is white. We passed it later for the best people for the job and not think about it going into it. I honestly thought we were past this. And to say, like, best people for the job is saying, like, well. That's a code. That's a a statement. I honestly thought we were past this. And to say, like, best people for the job is saying, like, well. That's a code.

That's a dog whistle. Yeah. That's saying that, you know, we get to decide who the best people is, and if we're Julie, it's going to be white people. Yeah, unfortunately, that's what Julie just said. That's really hard for me to stomach as a friend of yours and as the Archduke on this musical. Right.

So Obama comes out, right? After Joe the Plumber. Joe the Plumber. Is he still on stage or did he leave? Everyone's waiting for Obama. And they whisper Obama, Obama, and they're talking about waiting for Obama to come out and see him. You hear the toilet flush. Right.

Hush, flush. Joe the Plumber walks out with the plunger. Yeah. And he says. This is Joe the Plunger. And then the audience just finally can let it out, you know? Yeah. Because there's all this tension.

And he goes, this is Joe the Plunger. And then he says, I'm Joe the plumber. Right. Okay. He says that now? Well, he sings it. Okay. How would that go? I imagine it would just be like I'm Joe, I'm Joe the plumber. Okay.

Sort of like introducing a character to the audience kind of song. I'm Joe the plumber. This is Joe the plunger. Ha ha. And that was the audience kind of song. I'm Joe the plumber. This is Joe the plunger. Ha ha. And that was the audience. The whole audience goes, ha ha. How do they know to do that, though?

Is that going to be in the program? It's just a, no, it's the audience on the stage, the fake audience. I can see why this would be confusing to you. The people who were singing before were not the audience of the play. They were the audience of the press conference. I'm not a fool.

The audience of the play is being quiet, ideally. When you're saying audience, this is just a very syntactical question, which is when you say audience, do you mean like actors playing reporters at the press conference who generally sit where audience sits? Yes. In the theater of politics? Yes. I can't presume to control what the audience is going to say or sing.

If only I had that sort of power. But my sandbox is the stage. And so. Here comes the sandbox. And so if, you know, I can run this dump truck along and, like, fill this bucket and things like that, but the audience, which is the grass, is out of my sandbox. Got it.

Or it's asphalt. Yeah. One thing you could maybe rhyme with plumber and plunger is if this guy calls Obama Obama. Yes. That's good. So, yeah. Joe the plunger. Here comes Obama.

And then Obama comes out. Obama takes the stage, walks up to the mic. Yep. And this probably isn't a song part. His first line is like, does anybody have any questions? Yes. Oh, I thought you were going to do a toilet thing. Like, does anyone have any, like, toilet paper or something?

Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry were going to do a toilet thing. Like, does anyone have any, like, toilet paper or something? Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. We are the toilet obsession. Sometimes I feel like I can finish your – When is this going to end? I feel like I can finish your thoughts. And other times I feel like I'm on a completely different page.

If it's a toilet thing, you usually can. But – Yeah, that one. And he's really getting ready. He's going to sing. What I was going to say was that maybe Obama starts to sing, but then Joe the Plumber interrupts him because he's acting like a ham. Because Obama is...

Oh, Joe the Plumber now wants to be the star. The star of the show. Right. Well, we also want him to be brave and actually calling Obama out on some of his BS. So maybe you should go to the back of the theater of the politics on the stage,

behind the reporters. Yes, because... And wait his turn. He actually didn't, if you actually remember what it was, he actually never thought he wasn't doing this to be famous, big famous star.

He, just like when he sees BS, he has to clear it out of the pipes. And so Obama's up there. Let's do it. Obama's like, listen, all you people, obey my laws. You better believe that I'm the boss. I'm more famous than the Wizard of Oz. Sure. And then Joe the Plumber's like,

Hold up. And maybe he goes, I don't care for Obamacare. This drain's clogged with too much hair. Hey, you guys over there. Listen to me. Let's take the stairs. Wow. And they all go upstairs.

Oh, my God. And they all go up the stairs to the stage. You've done this before. To rush the stage. You know? I've done this before. Oh, to rush the press conference stage. Mm-hmm.

Yes. That's where the stairs are. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're rushed. Oh, I thought you were on the second floor of the White House, and I was excited about a new set. Oh. Yes. That's where the stairs are. Oh, I thought you were on the second floor of the White House and I was excited about a new set. Oh, well, okay. How do I work in

what the assistant boss thought? It's just a note. You can take it or leave it. No, we have to, because of your title now, we have to work with it. I want my title to be Queenie. That's your title. It doesn't need to

bring power with it. I just want to be like Queenie. Does the E stand for something? Queen E? Like the ecstasy queen? Right. And you're rolling your face off

in a business meeting? That's fucked up, man. I mean, look, I like to get down. And you're not sharing the love? No, I'm going to just sit here and give myself a massage. Oh, wow, that must be some really clean stuff. So, anyway, Queen E now wants us to go do you guys hear that

yeah that's funny I did hear that that's that's fucked up to think about but it's actually very funny too

are we on the second floor of the White House or did you like the idea of staying in the well we don't have to be Queen E said

so now we're on the second floor of the White House I guess the White House is in Chicago yeah which is where we were before I think oh cause he hasn't been elected He said, so now we're on the second floor of the White House. I guess the White House is in Chicago. Yeah, unfortunately. Which is where we were before, I think. Oh, because he hasn't been elected?

No, he has not been elected yet because that's why McCain and those guys are still involved. So he's campaigning in his hometown. Trying to beat him up. Yes. Got it. Right. And so now we're on the second floor of the White House, I guess. And Obama's ready to jump off.

He's so— Suppressed. Yeah, sad about what happened. But he's not in the White House yet. Mm-hmm. So maybe George Bush invited him over for a snack. Okay. And Obama was saying,

Okay. And Obama was saying, George, you'll never believe my story. Joe, the plumber has destroyed me. I'm going to jump off the White House. Pass the fiddle faddle. Is that Bush? That's Bush. Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, because he's just focused on the snacks. That would be a fun part for someone. Yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, because he's just focused on the snacks. That would be a fun part for someone. Yeah, that we could stunt. We can definitely stunt that. Be a fun part for someone fun. Yeah, no, that's a great role for the right comedic actor. Comedian, comedian. I think they're just all comedians.

I think of anyone who could be funny is funny. Yeah, so how do we stunt this one? Julie Bowen is a comedian. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because she's so funny. Yeah, so how do we stunt this one? Julie Bowen is a comedian. Sure. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because she's so funny. Bowen.

She's the woman of a thousand faces. She could do it. Well, that's why she's named after David Bowen. Yes, that's right, because he had so many faces. Bowen does Bush. I mean, that's on the poster. Or are you thinking you're already up to that, that you would cast a gender... That's so...

That's cool. Well, yeah, that's what we're saying, right? That's a fun role. Now we know where the line is. She's doing past the fiddle faddle. Now we know where the line is for Julie. Got it. No, no, I'm just...

I'm catching up. Gender stuff. The gender lines. Give me a minute. I'm rolling. I'm a woman, so I like that other women are doing stuff, but I'm not black, so none of them are allowed to do anything. Are you talking or are you pretending to be not talking? I just happen to be inside your head right now, and I'm just saying exactly what your brain is saying.

Are you guys both mad at me? It's not that. But there's something going on. That is going on, but that's not what you're picking up on. Okay. Do you want to tell me, or should I guess like Rumpelstiltskin? Rumpelstiltskin wasn't doing the guessing. Do you do a Rumpelstiltskin voice?

Yeah. Oh, that's a good point. Do you actually remember the story? Well, he actually was guessing which house to go to because he had directions, and it was just like there wasn't a number at the time. That's right. It was just like you'll know which house it is. You'll know.

Yeah, which house is the gold stuff in? What a stupid idiot he was. Rumpus? Yeah, you've got to guess my name. Like, why even give her an out? You hold all the cards, man. Too clever for his own good. Remind you anybody?

So at this point, Bush is focused on the snacks. Obama's about to jump off the roof of the White House. Where's Joe? Where's our hero? Yeah. Yeah. Seems like Joe needs to get involved. Is he in the bathroom again?

Okay, so we hear the toilet flush. Flush again. But what if it sounds like a little weird? Like it could still be broken. So it's like a weird flush. It's like a flush. Maybe the toilet has a funny song. Oh, the toilet song.

More toilet stuff. Going a little bigger with it. Yeah, now the toilet's a character. Now the toilet is a major character. It comes out. Well, and the toilet is forgotten by Joe the Plumber. Mainly that was his business. Yes, now that Joe the Plumber is in politics.

It's sort of like, what about me, Joe? Who will fix me now? You could chase him around in a dream sequence. The toilet is chasing Joe the plumber? Yeah, because he's like, come back to your room. Come back, Joe. I need to be fixed. I think we basically got it.

Well, we got the toilet song. I don't know what I'm... But there's someone we're forgetting. The rest is all polished. I'm John McCain. I'm John McCain. I'm John McCain. I'm John all polished I'm John McCain I'm John McCain I'm John McCain I'm John McCain

I'm John McCain this should probably be like sort of an operetta yeah the way he's doing it yes yes like Porky and Bess where

it is all songs yeah no talks it's me John McCain yes me John McCain the opposite of a TED Talks yes The opposite of a TED Talks.

Yes. The opposite of a TED Talks is a nice musical. I wouldn't mind if that Levi character who knocked up the Palin girl has a song, too. He could be sexy and shirtless. Yeah. My first name is Jeans. You know, like he's got something going on like that. My last name is

Weens because it's Johnson. Yeah. Is there something? What's in between the man of your dreams? Levi Johnson. Levi Johnson. It seems like you're holding on to

a motorcycle. He's riding a fucking monstro Harley. What are these called? These are like pegs? No, they're not pegs. Are you talking about the handlebars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Here's a little like sort of a, you know, fun. Oh, no. I don't. What's a toilet? I already know. You might like this. I was actually thinking it was like thinking it was a little witty. It was like a little witty.

Like, who's the guy, like Will Shortz, you know? Yeah, the puzzle master. Yeah, Puzzleman. Yeah. I was thinking, because you said jeans. Puzzleman versus Batman versus Superman. You know what I mean? That's a sequel.

Even more guys fighting who we need on our side. Of course, now we need more superheroes. Oh, great. But go ahead. I was just thinking that Levi, when you said my genes and stuff, maybe he's like, welcome to my gene pool, and then he comes on his own hands. He should at least be coming into a pool.

He should at least come into a pool like a Deadpool oh why don't you have the Deadpool Deadpool vs Jean pool that comes out cause you like that he hasn't really been summoned by somebody Cody do not take my picture I am not even kidding today

Cody not a good day Not a good day. Not a good day for me, Cody. We're not doing your picture today. You don't even want to know what happened to me before I came over here. Cody, you have to be Julie in the picture. Okay. Sorry. Julie's trying to be cool about she had a hard day earlier.

Actually, this is a good opportunity for you, Cody, and please try to make the most of it. Yeah. Usually just being Cody. Yeah, stick them out, Cody. And that, so far, has been a resounding failure. And get some shots of me, though. Did you guys like that

come in his own hands thing? It's hard to tell. Well, I think it should at least be in a pool. Well, it'll be a pool. No, it pools up on his hand. I understand that, but I don't think

that's going to read. In his hand. Like M&M's. No, it pools up on his hand. I understand that, but I don't think that's going to read. In his hand. Like Eminem's. Oh, right. Like the rapper? Mm-hmm. That guy could flow, man. I mean, look.

He's a little older, but. Remember when Borat's friend fell on him? And he was like, oh, get this freaking butt out of my face. That was real. Yeah, I really did that. He was actually really mad. Between him and Triumph, Eminem had a really hard time. Yes.

It was like comedians were constantly trying to goof on him. Get this freaking dog out of here. Yeah, stop making this dog make fun of me. I'm just trying to collaborate with Elton John. Yeah. That was weird. Don't you think? Why? Because you don't think people should

be allowed to sing songs with gay people as well? So now we really know where the line is. That was one Dido. That's the only night Dido wanted. I don't know. Dido's phone didn't ring. And so now it's, yeah, now the woman has to be the winner over the gay man.

What was the point? Felton John's cool with it. Can we all sing? Can everybody sing? Does it have to be just white women who are doing this thing, Julie? Only white women can sing. Okay, it'll just be Dido and Celine Dion. Celine Dion's

father has been died. Isn't that sad okay well of course it's sad that's why we don't bring it up on the show you don't think I could bring that up

if I want great note to end on Julie it's a huge downer are we done Cody has a hard out Cody has a hard out what do you have to do

he has to put that red wig on what do you got going on Cody I'm meeting up with my girlfriend we're gonna go to Dollar Tree. Oh, yeah. That sounds like it could happen any time you want. I saw Cody before the show.

Yeah, yeah. He did an upside-down push-up. Did a handstand. Handstand push-up. Did a push-up while he was doing a handstand. Makes me think what kind of action these guys must get up to in the bedroom. In the sack, you know? In the boudoir.

Because if dude's upside-down doing a push-up, that means... Cody's doing a handstand? He could be chowing, man. Chowing while he's plowing? Yes. Yeah. Yes, mama. Queenie.

Queenie. Queenie. Queenie. You better believe that's a possibility for this dude. The plow chow? Yeah. You know those dogs with the black tongues? Chow chows.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. I feel like I want to cry. Go do it. I don't know why. Go ahead. Just let loose.

I feel like I want to cry. This is such a safe podcast for that. It happens a lot on this show, and we actually kind of are trying to get people to do that. Cry babies might be mad at us. But they don't cry on that show, do they? I don't know. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

They do. Cody's engineered it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Cody has to do a special engineering technique. Are we into act two yet? Because people are going, what? Oh, in the musical?

Yes. Well, these songs are all Oh, in the musical? Yes. Well, these songs are all 20, 25 minutes long. Yeah. I mean, we don't want to write too many songs. That's, I think, a flaw in a lot of musicals. Okay. Like, you got one that works, just ride that motherfucker. I don't know why we got to see another song.

A lot of times the other one isn't that good. Got it. Like, Miss Saigon's got like two good songs. Which ones? Fucking the Major General one. Yeah. Uh-huh. And Master of the House.

And so, you know, I'm like, crank those bitches out again. Just do them for longer because those are tunes I could get behind. But a lot of the whiny shit. Like what? Oh, what? Me so horny. Well, definitely that. Yeah, when she's, like, complaining about how horny she is.

Yeah, that's like, you know, put that, just have that be like a text. Like, have somebody march across the stage with a cue card to give me that information. Like they do on like House of Cards. And they get back into the jam. When like Frank Underwood is like texting like Zoe. Barnes. Joey Barnes. And it's like bloop.

Yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Bloop, bloop, bloop. And you can see it on the screen. You got text. Beep, beep, beep. You got texted. Make those rabbit noises again.

Uh-oh. Rabbit food. Cody just made... Uh-oh. Oh, no, the Dollar Tree is closed. He must have learned those rabbit noises in salad class. Maybe I was listening. Rabbit food.

I don't eat that shit. I eat fucking hot dogs and hamburgers. Sorry. American proud of it. Fucking hot dog and hamburgers. Come on. Can't I rather get a hamburger sandwich? Hello. Hello.

Have a nice time listening to the show again. We hope you liked it as much as the first time. We're wrapping up, aren't we? We're wrapping up fast. Cody has a real hard ass. He has a nose dive. He has a nose dive into a hard landing, Cody. He's got an actual hard ass.

Show me a photo of this girl. Here's what he offered. I can stay till 8 if that helps. It's $ most dive into a hard landing, Cody. He's got an actual hard eye. Show me a photo of this girl. Here's what he offered. I can stay till 8 if that helps. It's $7.59. So this was his outside. Got it. It's my fault. I was like.

He has to get a single can of Dollar Tree brand chicken and stars soup. I've been crying for 15 minutes and none of you noticed. He gets hair gel from Dollar Tree. He does? Yeah. It's big. You you noticed. He gets hair gel from Dollar Tree. He does? Yeah. It's big. You could just use soup as hair gel if you... Yeah, if you let it sit...

If you rub it in your hands. There's... Just for our audience, this is dangerous. There's soups you can't use for that. Like what? The hot ones.

Will you base? Yeah. If it's too hot. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. But you can use gazpacho. You can use.

Well, I'm glad I flew out here for this. Unless you like gazpacho. This is what you came for? This is why you're here now? Yes. Oh, wow. Jesus. That's why I called you at the airport.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Queenie. Can I do the bye? Please. Bye.com.