Hollywood Handbook - Julie Klausner, Back Again

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

Julie Klausner joins the boys again to reminisce on her past episodes and get a little political. Then, Sean does some of his classic impressions and the gang picks their Mt. Crushmore.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so on a date with roberto benigni uh for that um celebrity blind date show that roger lodge was hosting where like you're on the date and they're putting word bubbles into your head. What you're thinking as you're going out with each other. Therapist Joe says, this guy's too into books. Yes, yes, yes. And it was just like a scheduling thing that they put us together. Okay.

What do you mean? That was the only time. It was just a booking issue that that was the only it was like just a booking issue that that was the only time the two of us were available okay why like why are you clarifying how the two of you would end up together as if i inherently would have a question of why you would be on a date with roberto benigni well what it was supposed to be was sort of a rival. You remember they used to do the rivalry dates? Oh, yeah, where it's like your greatest nemesis is on your date with you and you have to split like a lobster.

Well, and there's also the prize, which was Rose McGowan, where the two of us are like fighting over Rose McGowan. Because I know that you would know that I wouldn't want to be involved in something like that unless I can win. Yeah, well, you would never want to be runner up for the heart of Rose McGowan. Yes, and so we show up and she's not available. So we were like, let's just do it. You know, we're here.

Let's just do it. This is our only avail. So we go to outdoor movie screening at the airport of um soul surfer yeah you remember soul surfer i remember it but refresh the uh everyone else's memory uh bethany hamilton bethany hamilton she was the soul surfer uh and she um gets her arm bitten off by the shark. And it eats her arm, and then the shark has arms, and it's able to carry things around in the ocean. Yes. And so Roberto Benigni is like getting, it's like,

he's like sort of theatrically yawning, doing like a big, like patting his mouth. Oh, no. Like he's not really enjoying the movie. He does not talk through this whole thing. And he wants to put his head in your lap. Yes, he's doing big, yeah, he's not really enjoying the movie. He does not talk through this whole thing. And he wants to put his head in your lap? Yeah, he's doing big moves. And then he's gone.

He's suddenly gone. But I hear him kind of scuttling away. Okay. And then he's up by the projector. And he starts doing his shadow animals on the screen. Oh, Roberto. And they're interacting with each other and with Anna-Sophia Robb

who played Bethany Hamilton. But then he starts like, he's like giving her bunny ears. You know? That's not appropriate. And that's people were into it at first, but once he starts to like,

you know, this character who has like been through a lot and now he's sort of like, and he would say later that, um, that he was trying to just sort of like get us all to relax and laugh again. But it was like, we were laughing at her. I know exactly what he said is what said, you know, nothing I was doing intended any harm.

It was totally benign-y because he's Roberto Benigni, and he says it all the time he makes that joke. And I always tell him, Roberto, don't do that. It's almost like he does stuff wrong. Just so he can use that. So he can say it was benigny. Yeah, benigny, which I don't like that. He's being Roberto Maligny.

To me, anyway. Yeah. But I wanted to say something. Oh, right. When I did the rivalry day, it was with Rebecca Gayhart, the Naxima girl. Yeah. Yeah, and we're competing for Jason Kidd. It was Jawbreaker Week.

Yeah, Jawbreaker Week. A blind date. We're competing for Jason Kidd. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. The kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry, we call show this. I used to be able to do it in one breath.

How do we do this show? What's going on here? We got a guest or something? This is too crazy. Yeah, tell me the rules, Brett. Oh, yeah. Brett, you tell me. What are we doing?

What's the rules of the show? What are we doing? Engineer Brett. This is just a fun thing where you. We're having fun. We act like we don't know can you don't don't do this again

can I just it's fun it's fun that people go like holy shit they just showed up in the studio and it's just like

what's going on here I'm like a fly on the wall you know and then they don't care that it's not that good because it's like can I just pay you $40 not to do this

$40 each or 40 total is it for what is that every week or just for one just one time for us the more casual the more it's like holy shit are we recording and shit like that it just feels like oh okay they didn't really plan it out so when a big chunk of the show stops. Dude, $40 just right now for that to stop. For each or to split? Wait, we are recording? Not each word. We're recording?

Julie. Yeah? Wait, I just. That's perfect, but we need Brett. I'm confused. Yeah, good, good. We should all be confused. And does Julie get any?

I don't think Julie should get any of the money, and I wonder if that's what this. Should I stay on the mic? Yeah, that's perfect, Julie. I mean, she seems really confused. 40 what? She's selling this. Dollars?

She's hearing everything. Yeah, but it's showing up so much later for her. I'd like $40. Yeah. Each? Yeah, it's so late. Julie, yeah, wasn't involved in. This is Julie wasn't involved. This is really adding up fast.

What if I just did $40 and then... If you leave, who's going to run the board? Oh, I was... Okay. I'll leave for $40. I pay $40 and then I leave. I guess that's what Julie's proposing. That's what I'm pitching. $40? I pay $40 and then I leave?

I guess that's what Julie's proposing. That's what I'm pitching. Brett, your whole thing is falling apart, man. Just do, like, tell us how the show works. You told me that I because I didn't have to pay for parking, I had to pay the engineer. Yeah. $40?

Yeah, $40. That's, I mean, that's like a separate $40. So how much is it all together? I don't know why, I feel like I'm, the sound is, I feel like I'm a little hot on the mic. It does feel like you're louder than anyone needs to be. Yeah. So how much do I owe you? I'm paying you too?

I get $40. Okay. The engineer gets $40 Brett Yes And then post ads Post ads and stuff We don't want to talk about money and stuff And act like it's all planned out

We want to kind of make it feel just casual cool Okay because I went to the ATM And I have $60 Let go of my arm please It's so tight You're gripping it so tight Thank you Okay, because I went to the ATM and I have $60. Let go of my arm, please. So tight. You're gripping it so tight. Thank you.

That's not a compliment. It's just... I'll just put it in this envelope. Okay. And I'll leave it on the table. Yes, please leave it on the table. Mine is an iTunes gift card. My $40. Oh, Brett. And it only works for Beatles albums. mine is an iTunes gift card my $40 oh Brett

and it only works for Beatles albums I have to get Beatles albums Brett can only spend his money on music my favorite Beatles album is number one where it's all the number one hits oh yeah that rocks it's just the yellow number one

and they're just shredding. It's revolution number one. It's what it's really called. Beatles ones. Yeah, that fucking rocks. Beatles one, you lose. The Beatles one. I feel like I'm settling into my microphone a little.

It's starting to feel a little more natural. I mean, it could always improve. We never want to say, okay, we're satisfied. We're always improve. We never want to say, okay, we're satisfied. We're always striving. That's a big part of being a Hollywood icon like the three of us is just knowing, okay, yeah, I can never be satisfied the second that I hold still moss grows on me and then I get thrown in a trash can, rolled down a

hill, and then shot at with a BB gun. So what I want to talk about today is- It's so loud in the trash can with the BBs hitting. Oh, it's deafening. BB North, BB Newell. Mm-hmm. And keep going. I don't know-

BB Buell, I mean. Yeah, BB Buell. It didn't matter. I didn't know the second one anyway. And keep going. I don't know. Bebe Buell, I mean. Yeah, Bebe Buell. It didn't matter. I didn't know the second one anyway. Bebe's kids. Julie, you've been on the show. Oh, Bebe's kids. Many times before.

Kids with seven different mothers. We don't die. We multiply. Every one of those kids was fathered by a different mother. Mm-hmm. Tone Loke. What a great voice actor. And so, you know,

we're having a little something of a funky cold Medina ourselves here. Which is to say... This is a mess. That would have been good for when... It's messy, but I like it. When Dan Medina was on the show. Oh, yeah.

Funky Dan Medina. Yeah, Funky Dan Medina. Yeah, Funky Dan Medina. Yeah, that would have been good. What we did with him was also good. I'm not saying it. No, it would have been worse than what we did, but it would have been good. That would have worked. What did you guys do with him?

Not much. No, we don't know. You don't know? I had just met him. I think I met him on the mic. And then didn't go super far from there. Nice kid. Good kid.

Julie, the first time you were on the show, it seemed pretty straightforward for you. It seems like it was a long time ago. There wasn't a lot of confusion initially. Right. You guys had a musical. Yeah. And I had a thing to say about The Daily Show. Yeah. You guys had a musical. Yeah. And I had a thing to say about The Daily Show.

Yeah. But now... Now you must have something to say about this new animated show that John is... Trevor Noah's got his fingers in? No, John is doing an animated show for HBO.

I heard it was Trevor Noah. Is that the big secret? It's not a secret. Wow. John is animating Trevor Noah. Oh. John Oliver is in it too. Does Trevor Noah?

It's a simple question. It's just a yes or no. And then the second time, I think that was more musical stuff. Joe the Plumber. That's right. Yeah, we did the Joe the Plumber one. Crushed legend. And you rhymed it with Obama, which is so interesting

because now everything's changed politically. But I don't want to talk about it. Oh, politically but i don't want to talk about it oh yeah i don't want to talk about it either no this is but this is how she says like i don't want to get up on a rant but she really does oh and she's just revving herself up for an insane rant oh no tell me that's not i've seen it like the live show she says like i don't want to talk about it and then she starts like walk off stage. And then the whole card is like, come on. Come on.

I do show the shows in New Jersey. She's hiding that she's going to do a rant. Like her rant is one of Hillary's emails. She was hiding it. I should have deleted it. She was hiding the emails. Admit you were hiding it. Just tell me you were hiding the emails,

that you put them under a different label or something. What's funny about Veep is that you can't write what's happening now, so they write something else. Yeah. No, it's true. Something that happened before, I think. Like Newsroom. happened before, I think.

Like Newsroom. But Veep can also be so funny because these clowns in Washington are just like Jonah. I'll tell you, sometimes I can't even understand the thing. It reminds me of one of Hillary's emails. She couldn't understand the emails.

Admit it. Just come out. The whole American public will respect you a lot more if you just say, hey, I didn't understand the emails. Some of them seem like it could be spam or something, but I couldn't tell. And so I sent them all to the freaking russians to have them sort it for me it's a service you know then i would get it then i'd be like all right thanks for being honest don't tell secrets like when i'm freaking hillary's emails i heard there's gonna be a south african

veep where everyone sounds like trevor noah so it's funnier. That's right. Okay. Trevor Noah, to me, is the epitome of comedy cool. His suits, his style, his lack of cultural impact all add up to make the complete comedy man. It's 2016, and you might have happened, but you might not have. Did he take over The Daily Show yet? I don't know. It's such a crazy election. Yeah.

We were all at Vulture Fest. Julie was there. Sean was there. Casper was there. Hayes was there. Julie was doing panel. Casper Mattress. You know him? I don't know what Brett was there. Casper was there. Hayes was there. Julie was doing panel. Casper Mattress. You know him?

I don't know what Brett was doing. Yes, we did meet Casper Mattress while we were there. Casper Hauser. Soft hands. Like pillows. Yeah, sort of like you would expect. I think he was having an allergic reaction now that I think about how big his hands were. Remember how much Jesse Thorne liked Casper Hauser? Who could forget?

Anyway, Casper Mattress. Yeah, that guy, okay, to me, he seems very sick. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think he had an allergic reaction. Because remember when he put all those bees in his dressing room? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and honestly, he came over to my place after,

like, just, like, to chill, and he's been asleep in my guest room for months. But he loves mattresses. How much does Trevor Noah work out? I got to do what that guy's doing. But anyway, he was at Vulture Fest as well. I heard he wanted a walking treadmill desk instead of what Jon Stewart left. Oh, yeah.

Comedy Central had to draw the line somewhere. Wow. What did Jon Stewart leave? A regular desk. Oh, no. What a sicko. So Jon Stewart's beard. Remember he came back and did Colbert Show?

The beard was... Where have you been, Jon? I like that because... Jon, we need you. Come back. We miss you, Jon. Thank God. When he came on TV, I said, thank God. Brett, what did you say?

He saved us. What I liked about it was he didn't wear a button-down shirt with a collar. He just put a tie over his T-shirt. Yeah, he didn't know how to do the tie anymore. But he had a jacket on also. So he just didn't wear the button-down shirt. Trevor has his ties, maybe. No, he had a tie.

He just wasn't wearing the tie connected to the button-down shirt. Yes, that is almost right, except, yes, the tie was there. He did have a tie. Whoa. Now that I'm thinking about it, I didn't see it. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. I only saw—

I saw some screenshots. Yeah, Engineer Brett is the only one I know who saw it. And, Brett neither. Yeah. I only saw... I saw some screenshots. Yeah, Engineer Brett is the only one I know who saw it. And Brett, what did you say? What did you say? I said, hey, John. It's good to see you. Yeah. Yeah.

He spoke for all of us in a way. Yeah. Certainly for me. He said more than I was going to. He's like the first breath of oxygen I'd had throughout this whole election. Brett, when Brett watches John, he does kind of think of it as a conversation. So when John does a joke, Brett will be like, nice, do another one.

Yeah, that's right. I'm that way with Jordan Klepper. Yeah, he always does. I hate that we're getting so political here. Me too. Because the election has been so insane. There's no way we can fit it all in one episode. It's almost like it writes itself.

Did I say it writes itself? It's starting to, yeah. And you did say that. You can't write this. It's funnier than the joke. It's funnier than the joke. What's the joke? What Jon Stewart said.

Yeah, well, like doing the comedy is... Jon's jokes? Yeah, well, like... What did he say? Doing the comedy is... Jon's jokes? Yeah. He is mad. He looked kind of like... I beg to differ, because I know none of us saw it, but in the screenshot I saw it, he didn't look mad. He looked a little like...

Right. Like he kind of was like... But like, just with his face. Like, can we even be mad at this? It's so ridiculous. Sometimes he has a little smile. He's like. It's tickling him.

Mm-hmm. He's letting me know that he sees the absurdity of it all. And Julie did sort of a little smile. She like. Now he has a petting zoo. Oh, yeah. We bought a zoo. That's what he's doing?

Yes. John Stewart has a petting zoo. That's a little hypocritical after Rosewater. Is that what that movie was about? Well, now he's putting the animals in jail like Rosewater. Rosewater was about a journalist who wound up in a zoo. Really? A human, yeah, a human zoo. And they thought, well, once he's inside this room,

he'll be unable to dance. Because his spirit will be caged as well. Got it. I don't believe it worked. Who's your favorite correspondent on The Daily Show now? On The Daily Show right now. We'll all say it at the same time. One, two, three.

Jordan Klepper and Michelle Wolfe at the same time. Hayes, you didn't participate in that. Did Jessica Williams bid them adieu? She's in the process of it. It's a long goodbye. It's a hard goodbye. Friend of the show. Friend of the show.

She may have bid them adieu. And onward and upward what's next for all of us really I'm not going to be doing this show forever I don't know oh wow it's not a new way to use it

it's a new spot to use it being used on me by the way that cash envelope is gone yeah that's crazy. Crunch, crunch, crunch. How long will you be doing this show? Huh? How long will you be doing this show?

I'm not going to be doing this forever, Brett. This episode, he means. Yeah. Oh, just Hollywood Handbook the show? Yeah. I mean. What else do you do? As long as Jeff Ulrich stays in LA.

If he's still in LA, I will keep doing the show. I've always said if he leaves, I'll have lost my anchor. I don't know how to do the show without my feet under me, without my rock. So Jeff's still here, and so am I. anchor. I don't know how to do this show without my feet under me, without my rock. So, Jeff's still here and so am I. And if you like the show, please keep Jeff in LA.

Hayes? He keeps threatening to leave. He's been flirting with leaving in order to because he knows we'll jack up the quality of the show until he has to stay. Yeah, it's a way for him to spike it.

Has he read Blue Apron copy on the air? Jeff? Yeah. It's unclear. Maybe you should give him that chance. I think we should bring Jeff in. Nothing makes me hungrier than hearing people on Earwolf describe the ingredients

in Blue Apron Meals. Soy glazed carrot hamburger. Paul Scheer does. Paul Scheer's the best. Oh, I am ravenous. That's what you sound like

when you're hungry. Yeah. Wow. We did want to talk about something. Politics is actually even more messed up than this. Yeah, politics is getting pretty messed up. I don't want to talk about something. Politics is actually even more messed up than this. Yeah, politics is getting pretty messed up.

I don't want to talk about that. No, we shouldn't bring it up because, quite frankly, Carly Fiorina might be right outside. It's how crazy it's been lately. I mean, that's honestly how nutso it's gone. I mean, that's honestly how nutso it's gone. Friggin, you're going to turn around and you're going to have a John Case situation on your hands. We want to talk a little about our charity work.

Okay. You and me? I'm not speaking to you. Okay. You and me? I'm not speaking to you. Great. What happened? Why aren't you guys talking? Oh, don't make us get into this. Just give me the gist of it.

He's pissed off at me. Why? Well, okay, so there was a cracked flange underneath one of his bathrooms. And obviously replacing that involves removing and resetting the toilet, which is all well and good if you turn the water off first and if Hayes is not on the toilet at the time. Speaking of Joe the plumber. You said it a long time ago.

I remember. So Hayes is on the bathroom in the toy toy and doing what he has to do in there, which is breathe heavy. And so I get down there with Crescent Wrench, bust the socket open, blast out the porcelain, and it shoots haze through the roof of his house and into the street. He lands in front of his neighbor and some of his neighbor's parents

and Carly Fiorina. And he's got, you know, pants around his ankles, ass over tea kettle, seven ways from Sunday, showing off the whole package. So we had to invite them all. When you say that she might be

here, she is here. We had to invite them all to the show. She wanted more of what she saw. It's what's known as a make good. It's been hard to get her to sort of leave my side. She liked what she saw. Yeah. Well, and who wouldn't?

That's nice. Hayes! Sean sean is like that was a sweet thing to say i know what he gave you a compliment this is this is to get me to stop he called you pretty being mad like he did it on purpose in order to show to show everyone yeah. Another piece of this is Hayes did wind up losing his favorite medallion. It got blasted in the water and carried away down the drain. And what was that medallion? It was a medallion with a series of snakes. All of the snakes are really cool. Backwards hats, sunglasses, toothpicks sticking out of the mouth, cobras, ball python, boas, anacondas, and everything.

And what Hayes likes to do, and I'm sorry to tell everybody, but he'll put his medallion on, he'll take his pants down when he's going to do his heavy breathing, and he'll say i'm hayes davenport i'm bringing the bling and the big ass ding-a-ling so carly saw the ding-a-ling bling went down the drain dude doesn't have a catchphrase anymore well he's pissed now it's like i'm hayes davenport I'm missing my bling. And a big ass ding-a-ling.

You're not missing that. I know. That's why it doesn't work anymore. I know. Yeah, you got to rephrase it. Yeah, no. You got to find a new thing. Or... Or...

Actually, yeah. Be missing my ding-a-ling. That sounds a little drastic. I was going to say... Or... Maybe we don't need a catchphrase every time we're going to get on the potty. Maybe we just be ourselves. It's something to try at least.

I miss those inflatable books that used to take into the tub. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones that each page had like a Casper mattress-like quality. They had a big puffiness, and you could just dunk them under the water, and it wouldn't affect your reading. You could read the books underwater. Well, not if your eyes were underwater. Your eyes could be above the water.

The book could be under the water. Depending on how dirty the water is, you could read the book. Somebody doesn't know about goggles. Got reading goggles. They're called glasses. No, that's not what I meant. know it he meant beer goggles anyway i miss those books yeah i meant freaking beer goggles oh sorry yeah wait that i don't i'm i'm taking i'm drinking beers and then I'm sliding the bartender photo of my wife. To turn her on?

No. It's an old man. The bartender's an old Irish guy? Yeah. And I say, tell me when she looks good. You know? That's what I've had in mind had are you into cuckolding

no it sounds like a dough boy that's like a fucking dough boys thing man what's a dough boys thing thank you julie yes that is so sweet you are the best guest we've ever had what's a dough boys thing that is the best that question is pure music what a kind woman doughboys is the most popular podcast on the internet if you like comedy at all then your favorite duo of you know wisecracking goofers is gonna be the doughboys it's your favorite it's hollywood handbook is your second favorite podcast after Doughboys. They're not doing any new ones. We got Grandfathered in.

Do they read Blue Apron copy? Oh, wow. I mean, they definitely describe food a lot. Yeah. I don't know if Blue Apron's one of the foods. Hayes? Is Blue Apron one of the foods that they do? That they talk about?

They might go. I know they go to restaurants. I don't know what they eat. They might go to restaurants and eat Blue Apron food. Okay, right. So they're going to go to Bob's Big Boy and be like, it's the soy glazed carrots. Oh, yeah!

Wow, you got really hungry just now. So hungry. It's so funny how it's just a knee-jerk reaction. But I didn't mean to get us off on this whole thing talking about political... Oh, I don't want to talk about the election. Yeah. Well, it's too insane to even capture.

I mean... It's like, what is there even left to say? Well, did you see some of these speeches from some of these clowns? Yes. The one where the general got up there. Yeah.

And he was like... The animated one? From the Intruder commercials. Oh, what a... The general. That guy's such a... He's so full of himself. Yeah, he thinks he's such a great general. And he wanted to shoot the missile? Yeah.

Yeah. I was watching that. I thought, give me a break. Hey, I was watching that. Who's that? That's like a kid. You turned his TV off. Like his mom's like, I'm not joking around anymore.

It's time to go. This is part of my. You guys are getting along again. It's going okay. I mean, it's really up to Hayes. I was never mad at him. I'm getting along with this character. I'm getting along with the little kid.

I understand. Hey, I was watching that. Yes. This person I like. I understand him. He didn't hurt you. I can stay him. I'm watching that. Yes. This person I like. Mm-hmm. I understand him. He didn't hurt you. I can stay him. I'm that good at character.

I could be him the whole time. Watch this. Give me something else. Give me any stimulus to respond to in that character. Okay. Literally anything. Like a situation? Yeah.

Hayes? Like making up that something happened. Anything you want. Okay. The school, something with school. Okay, okay. The school blew away. Hey, I was reading that.

You're reading the school? Yeah. Mm-hmm. what part of it sign you guys are connecting and I don't care if you're in character or not yeah what happened to you and Tom yeah that speaking We got fired. Oh, no. Paul Feig went into one of his, quote, gingham fits. He showed up wearing a suit made out of gingham. It looked like a picnic blanket. He said, get the fuck off my set. He said, get the fuck off my set.

And we thought he talking to extras. He talking to me and Tom. Hey, Tom and Julie. Instead of like sexy lady. Yeah. Opa Gingham style. Yeah. And then he threw a picnic basket full of pocket squares with picnic basket prints on them. So he wasn't just wearing a blanket.

He was also. No, he wasn't. Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I make it seem like he was wearing a blanket? No, no, no. I'm sorry. He was wearing a suit. He'd be mad if I thought he wasn't wearing a suit.

That looked like it was made out of a, is it a tablecloth? Not the one in the Italian restaurant, like the red and white checkered one. No, a picnic blanket. No, I understand that. But he also has a basket, which seems dangerous given that you look like something that someone's supposed to have a picnic on. So somebody might take that basket and think it's an invitation to sit on him and have a picnic, which maybe it was. Right.

Like a bear. Especially. Ants. And I wonder if a hungry, like a notoriously crazily hungry person like you might. Well, that's unfair. I think, I don't know about the notoriety. I mean, I just have a different way of expressing my hunger. Okay.

Yes. It's not that you're hungry more often than other people. It's that when you are hungry, everyone knows it. Yeah, that's fair. Anyway, we got fired. He didn't like what we were doing. Oh, no. To the script.

And what did he want? Something completely different. You know, he wanted jokes that were more current. He reminded us that it was coming out in two and a half years. And the Brexit stuff wasn't working. Future current. You know. Did he want stuff about this election?

No, too crazy, right? I mean, I thought it was too crazy. But now that you say it, I think he may have wanted stuff about this election. We blew it. Hey, which vice president do you like better? I'm on the Pence. Can't decide, you know? I could go either way.

Is this that kid? You can't decide? I'm on the Pence. Can't decide. I don't know if this is the kid or not. Tom and I are still friends, though. Well, it's like, gotta make up my mind sooner or later. About what? About which president.

Vice president. I'm running out of Tim. Vice news. I can't decide. I'm on the Pence. John votes for vice presidents. You vote for, you pick your vote for president. I know who I'm doing.

I'm not going to say. And then you pick vice president. You know? You don't just vote for one person. Is it weird that Dr. Jill Stein was your psychiatrist when you were a child? Ooh, it's about as weird as one of Hillary's emails. You're thinking of

Dr. Jill Stein as the doctor. You're thinking of Dr. Jill Stein's monster. Shroud psychiatrist was... No, no, no. You're thinking of the person who created Transparent. That's Jill Solestine. No, no, no. You're thinking of Jill Solbule. It's a monster.

I think so. That was Sean's psychiatrist. No, Joel Stein was my psychiatrist. Joel Grey? No, Joel Stein. You remember in the back of Entertainment Weekly, he had like a one-page thing he would do, and then Stephen King took over.

It's your Uncle Stevie. Uncle Stevie had so many things to say about earworms. Mm-hmm. He had some recommendations. Yeah. One of them was that you go fuck yourself. He did tell me to do

that, yeah. As did Joel Stein. Were you in therapy when you were a little boy, Hayes? When you were tiny? Yeah, I was in... Hydro therapy. It was baseball therapy. Oh.

You would go to a baseball fantasy camp with all your favorite guys would be there, all the big sluggers. But you would have to earn... It was about gathering baseballs. would be there, all the big sluggers. But you would have to earn. It was about gathering baseballs. The whole camp was about trying to accumulate as many baseballs as possible. And you would do that by making big confessions.

And whoever had the most baseballs at the end would be the best camper. Did that help you? With what? Confessing things? Yeah, I mean, it ends up that you confess a lot of stuff that you didn't do because you want baseballs. Did it help you pack baseballs? Well, it helped me. At the end of the summer?

By the end of it, my shirt was really stretched out because they don't give you anything to hold it with. And so you're using your shirt like a big baseball basket, essentially. So did it help me get a big shirt? Yes. And then you want to fill up your shirt, see more blue apron. Then you get big. You want to fill up your shirt with your belly. Yeah. Yes.

Hey, I was healing that. That's that kid when he leaves therapy camp. Oh, sweet how you guys connect every once in a while. It's nice. That's the little kid. Anyway, I'm auditioning for the new Mad TV. And I'm working on some characters. Let's go. They don't want a lot of new characters.

They want a lot of old characters. I've got some older impressions. new characters. I want a lot of old characters. You want to, yeah. I've got some, you know, older impressions. Have you guys seen my like, John Cassavetes? I do Cassavetes,

but I do, I do a different Cassavetes. I do Cassavetes, he's stuck. Like, his mouth is stuck closed. It is, when you say at the beginning of an audition that he's stuck, you should clarify that it has something to do with his mouth.

Because when people hear he's stuck, they don't think of it as being like his mouth is stuck. I don't. Yes. That's for like, I don't know, he has like lockjaw or something. But when you say he's stuck, they're picturing him being like caught somewhere. But he should still be able to speak if you just say he's stuck. He doesn't have a lockjaw.

Quicksand. What does he have? Quicksand. His mouth got sewed shut by the sicko from Seven. Kevin Spacey? The sick fuck from Seven. Oh, shit. That fucking movie, dude. When he cut off his own fingerprints.

Unbelievably sick. And then he took those fingerprints and sprinkled them over frozen yogurt. And then he served it fingerprints and sprinkled them over frozen yogurt. And then he served it. To a teenage girl. Do you know what was in the box? What's that? A tooth. Yeah.

One of his baby teeth. It sort of lets you in on the character. The character of the tooth fairy never came to see him. It's all rotting. Here's what I like about the character of the Tooth Fairy never came to see him. It's all, it's all rotting and it smells. Here's what I like about the remake of Willy Wonka.

Smelly tooth. You got to see why he liked candy and it had to do with his father being a dentist and not letting him have any.

And when you say Willy Wonka, you're like, why does this guy fucking like candy so much? Yeah. This guy's like so obsessed with candy for no reason.

And I think that the father stuff is so good. This otherwise normal man. Yeah. I like the new Willy Wonka, too. But again, I'm not doing new characters for this Mad TV audition. I'm doing old characters. Sorry. Yeah. We're back to that

so what's another old one that you might want to see i think when they say that you're supposed to do old kick because i know they asked for the old characters but i think you're supposed to be like miss swan okay but her mouth is stuck together maybe what That's interesting. Is it the guy from Seven that did that as well? They all got their mouth showed by Seven and then the last thing I do is I come in as the guy from Seven with a needle and thread.

In a box? Huh? Like that Andy Samberg song. Oh, God. You're being very, very inappropriate. Can I ask you as a question? Why isn't Justin Timberlake on Saturday Night Live? Like, as a regular cast member. He should be, yes, permanent host.

Should be sketch man. He's so funny. He's great at everything. The one where it's like, come on down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To the food. Is this coming down to the food? Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Sean? Mm-hmm? Are you okay about your audition? He doesn't, yeah. The idea of you saying that Justin Timberlake should always be on

SNL, I think did. Oh, I'm sorry. I think it did hurt his feelings. Well, just like, obviously I see Mad TV as a stepping stone to maybe being able to work on Justin Timberlake's new tour.

Sean, I think you guys are totally different types. I guess. You took a different path. I'm a little more rugged, don't we think? Mm-hmm. A lot tougher. Yeah, you're coming from a great—

I'm going to bow out of this. Like a fightier place. Yeah, I do a lot more cracking skulls. Whereas Timberlake, all he really can do is sing and dance, which is nice. He is so funny. When he goes on Jimmy Fallon, here's why the two of them are great. They can sing. They can be funny.

I'll tell you, it's hard for me to worry about any of that stuff when I'm just so worried about this dang election. I mean, it's too crazy. And the way some of these people are acting. Are you guys, like, a little scared? I'm actually. It's not funny anymore. It's not funny anymore. Like, at first it was a joke and we were all laughing and it was so funny.

But now it's not funny anymore. It stopped being first it was a joke and we were all laughing and it was so funny, but now it's not funny anymore. It stopped being funny to me. I'm actually scared. Well, I mean, I'm happy that Tom Cruise didn't win just because I wouldn't want him to be doing president and not allowed to make more Jack Reacher. But I am like, he should have endorsed the other guy. Can I say something?

This is a message for somebody. I thought the make Donald Drumpf again thing was a little out of line. It was a little mean. It was pretty, it cut through a lot of. It was really harsh. And I don't love a lot of the guy's stuff. But I mean mean it's like let's not you know make donald drumpf again i mean like you think there's a line right

for me something being epically funny doesn't justify hurting someone and i've got stuff that's epically funny i could say right now but I think it would hurt some people's feelings. Probably Tom Sharpling would have his feelings hurt if I said one of the most epically funny things that I'm thinking of. Do you want to do it with your mouth sewn up, sewn shut? That sounded like

Ms. Wad. I'm not standing by listening to my friend's bad mouth. But at the end of the day, I like the guy. Ms. Wad. Yes. I'm not standing by listening to my friend be bad-mouthed like that. And I, you know, but, end of the day, I like the guy. So I'm not gonna destroy him.

And even if I didn't, it wouldn't be fair. And so, make Donald Trump again, okay, we get it. You show everyone how smart you are

and how epically funny you can be. But that guy really got hurt. He's a person. He's a person. And it might be why he's doing some of the stuff he's doing now yes like isis like doing isis on us in other words like

if you piss them off they're gonna be meaner yeah and like donald's doing isis on us yeah it's true that is a good point julie about isis these are human beings. I don't think that's what I said. Some of the stuff we're doing with shooting at them, how would you like it? Yeah, no. Julie Klausner makes a good point about ISIS, which is that you don't necessarily want to shoot them. I didn't say that.

Unless, yeah. Unless you would like to have that done at you. Like if you're in the Suicide Squad, for instance. By the way, please text Julie. Who has my cell? A lot of people. And Guneer Brett.

Well, that's because I wrote it on the envelope. Yeah, that's right, on the cash envelope. It's part of Venmo. The Suicide Squad really does like getting shot at and blown up. And they do this stuff where they lick knives. Oh, I hate comic books. Why? Because they're not like alt-men.

That's not how real people talk. Alt-man? Yeah. Robert Altman. Oh, that's another one of my mad TV characters. They are like alt-man. He would pitch 75 alts for every joke. Yeah, alt-man.

That's one of my mad TV characters. Let's see him. I make the writers give me a joke. They give me like a punchline to a joke. You make the writers? Yeah, of mad TV. I go, hey, I'd love to be a part of your show. You're going to love writing for this character.

Is this a sketch? How does this appear on screen? Yeah, I would come on screen and I would get. You'd get the writers out. I'd be like in a writer's room. Oh, okay. But I've got like a propeller beanie on I like this because it's

insider yeah that's my life better or worse I'm a Hollywood darling now they gave me the punchline to a joke let's say for example the punchline was make Donald

Trump again something you know for example, the punchline was make Donald Trump again. Something, you know, epically funny, you can't beat this. You're triggering, though. No, I am. But it's on our minds. Sure. And I would be like,

okay, here's 75 alts for that in the sketch. And then what I'll do in my auditions, I ask the writers to's 75 alts for that in the sketch. And then what I'll do in my audition is I ask the writers to write 75 alts. Because obviously I'm bringing the character to the table. Yeah, you, yes. Do you audition for the writers of Mad TV before you audition for the producers? I hope so, because this character is pretty reliant on it.

And if I'm just auditioning for like Alfred E. Newman or whatever, then it's going to be rough seas. He never laughs at the audition. He only laughs at the most fucked up stuff.

It's good if he's not laughing. That guy could drink through a straw without opening his mouth. He's got space in his teeth. Oh, guys. I saw a version of him on Mount Rushmore once. Yeah. On one of the magazines.

Oh, I think I saw that too. Was that a photo? It was as if he was an old president. That's outrageous. President Newman? But honestly, with politics, it is becoming. I know! Who's on your Mount Crushmore?

Hello, Newman. Okay. Remember? Number one. Then it's like, hello. I'd say he's on all of ours. Hello, Mickey. Okay, that's Mount Crushmore.

Hello, real. Okay, that's Mount Crushmore. And then it's like, hello, real Kramer. And then it's like, hello, Dave Mandel. Dave Mandel's on my Mount Crushmore for sure. So that's all four. It's Newman. Yes.

Mickey. Yes. The real life guy who was the inspiration for Kramer. Kramer was based on. Kramer. Yes. And Dave Mandel.

Yes, showrunner of Veep. Yes, showrun inspiration for Kramer. Kramer was based on. Kramer. Yes. And Dave Mandel. Yes. Showrunner of Veep. Yes. Showrunner of Veep. Okay. Yeah. That's a really strong Mount Crush more. Does anyone have anything different from that?

Mine's all animals from movies. Dunstan from Dunstan Checks In. Just for his being so brave. The big dog from the Sandlot. The big dog that they were all scared of that turned out to be nice. Yeah. Because he's very courageous as well.

Were there any other animals? In movies? In movies? No. Dunstan I think did a second movie. No, I think it just seemed like Dunstan Checks In was the title of a sequel. Ah.

But I think it was just the first movie. It was just Dunstan. Okay. There was a seal in one movie. Remember the girl dancing with the seal?

Zeus and Roxanne. No. The bee girl? The bee girl dancing with the seal? Zeus and Roxanne. No. The bee girl? The bee girl dancing with the seal. That's not an animal. That was a little girl in a bee outfit. What? Oh, ew.

Speaking of seal, I really got to drain the weasel. When you say Mount Crushmore, first of all, thank you, John. Second of all, when you say Mount Crushmore, are you people we have crushes on or people that we think we could crush it with if we were to pursue a project together? I picked all boys. And then he started picking animals. And I guess I'm just not on the same page.

Yeah. Oh, I guess my Mount Crushmore is all different models of plane. Jesus. The Boeing 747. Oh, boy. The Boeing 727. Boeing 737 in between those. Anyway, there's only three planes on my Mount Crushmore.

Anyway, there's only three planes on my moat. Oh, Christ. So we've had a silly good time. How do I watch Difficult People? I got a TV or where should I sit? Yeah. Where do I put it? Wherever it's most comfortable

I guess. Yeah. You guys sit on the floor guys. If I'm at someone else's house if I'm a guest I sit on the floor and I make them feel strange about it.

Mine's cold. It's all black and white tile. Hulu.com. There's no more Hulu Plus. From the internet, yep. I think it's just regular Hulu. Come TV with us. Is it like come, comma, TV, comma, with us?

Like you're asking the TV to come with you? It's come TV. Come TV with us. Come TV. Come TV on my tits and stomach. Come TV. Mm-hmm. Come TV.

Come TV on my tits and stomach. Okay. Right. Come TV on my tits and stomach. Okay. Right. Come! TV on my tits and stomach! Okay. Wow. Yeah. It's edgy shit.

Wow. Mindy signed off on that? Mindy came up with it. Me. Mm. Casual. Casual, where she's like,

where the guy's like, any sexual activity lately? The doctor? She's like, here and there. Okay. But you know it's been more. She's being a faker. It's been more than that.

You have to watch the show to see why she was lying. Yeah, but you can tell she's kind of understating it. Yeah. And the other guy's like, did you have sex in my hot tub? And the girl's like, yeah. And the guy's like, can you not? And that's the commercial. So imagine the whole episode

That's not my show Julie Enough We talked about your show Jealous much? I'm not jealous I'm not jealous at all If you want us to talk about the show like this

Do some of this stuff What? You guys having sex lately? Here and there. But you know that mentally she's going like, so much. Every day. Fucking Jason Reitman. It's fucking insane, man.

Are you guys going to switch shows ever? Have you ever thought about switching shows? You know how that did not go well with the, what was the Pac-Man show, Deadbeat? Oh, yeah, Pac-Man versus Deadbeat, Pixels. Yeah, so we tried to replace Billy with Pac-Man for one of the episodes episodes to see if it worked and it did not work. Put Pac-Man instead of Billy. Different chemistry. It was like a different dynamic.

Young Billy Eichner. What a classy guy. Fucking dude. They didn't say. You can't replace him with Pac-Man. I know. That's what I said. In that Pac-Man show, Deadbeat, the wrong man.

They never said that it was like that he's helping these ghosts, but that it's the Pac-Man ghosts. Stinky, inky, blinky, and coconuts. Yeah. And it's like, don't help them. That's why if that had gone forward, there would have been a Mrs. Pac-Man who would have told him that. I hope so. I love it when female characters are like, knock it off!

Stop it! Sometimes women say that. You're giving me the finger. That's not intentional. Wow. I know you need to pee. No. You said, as soon as you said that, I just shut down.

I'm in a state now. I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was the Timberlake thing for you or the pee thing for me, but I don't feel good about where we are. Well, we're not going to get to the bottom of it on this episode. You'll have to come back. You'll just have to come back, Julie. On our show.

Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes baby that was a hate gum podcast