Hollywood Handbook - Julie Klausner, Our Pilot Season Friend

Episode Date: June 11, 2018

Sean and Hayes are joined by JULIE KLAUSNER once again for a big scoop.This episode is sponsored by Simple Contacts ( www.simplecontacts.com/theboys  code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's Ellen, Paige. Wow. And Paige from Fish. And we're into teacups. Yeah. And Paige, comma Ellen, is spinning us so fast. Yeah. And Paige. Spinning. Comma Ellen. Yeah.

Is spinning us so fast. Yeah. And I. Stop it. Am literally like, I'm going to hurl. Yeah. This is not why I got in the teacups. I get in the teacups to pretend I am tea.

Tea's not spinning around. It's waiting, cooling down until it's safe to sip it. So basically, I start to scream at the top of my lungs. Which tea can do if you actually hear the

thing, what the pot does. I'm staying in character. I'm staying fully in character. I don't want to explain. I'm not going to beg her. Please don't spin it. But I just think, this will probably stop character. I'm staying fully in character. I don't want to explain. I'm not going to beg her. Please don't spin it. But I just think this will probably stop her. I scream. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, Ellen takes this to be like he's having fun. Yeah. What were you going to ask? Can I ask if maybe she's behaving this way? Is that she is accidentally becoming juno again well and i consider that like that's the type of behavior where she's putting a bit of a thumb in the eye to authority this is juno steez as juno would say so at this point page also doesn't understand what I'm doing, unfortunately, and decides to harmonize with me.

So he's going, la, and I'm going, la, and Ellen's going, woo. Yeah. That sounded like the beginning of The song Which song? I don't know Which one? The song that you The one

Yeah This You babe I'm a sucker for the way that you move babe And I could try to run but it would be useless Yeah You know what I'm talking about? Yes

Yeah Camila Cabello The song by Camila Cabello. The song by Camila Cabello. Yeah. Mm-hmm. How did you get here? I'm a sucker for the way that you move it.

Go ahead, sing the rest of it. Obama, ooh, mama. You're a lame. It goes after that. Well, at any rate, the ride stopped. And wouldn't you know, I wound up enjoying myself. We did it again. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It is our guide to kick it, but it drop it.

Baby. Does she even need, and it's good that we're singing because we love to do musical stuff. Yeah, I'm here with Julie in a closet. Do you like that music? I like it. You guys sing it. And say the truth. I think you guys sing it well.

Okay. Well, we have done so much musical stuff with you. Yes. And hi, what's going on? Hi. And what's up? Oh, I'm so glad to be here. Are you chilling finally?

Never. Never chill. Okay, good. Zero chill. Arctic zero. Interesting. Yeah. Zero chill. Zero cool. Interesting. Yeah. Zero chill.

Zero cool. Remember Hackers? Yeah. The movie? Remember? Lord Nykod? What? He was one of the other hackers.

So... Is that Gene Hackman? Or am I thinking of sneakers? Oh, he was... I'm thinking of Hackmans. He was the Hackman. Gene the Hackman, hack man. What about Hoosiers?

Hoosiers. Hoosiers. Well, that's Dennis Hopper. That was Hoppers. Yeah, Hoppers. Hoppers was Hoosiers. It was a combination of the Who and Frazier. Hackman's Hackers, Hoppers, Hoosiers.

Yeah. And sneakers is David Strathairn. It's easy to remember. You know, it's a classic mnemonic device. So. H-H-H-S-S. H-H-H-S-S. Hot, hot, hot. Hopper.

Hoosier. Hackman. Hackers. Sneakers. Strathairn. What was the last one? Sneakers. Strathairn.

I know what sneakers is. Just say the last word. Strathairn. Strathairn. Good night and good luck, you guys. That's what he said. Nice pool. So Julia's the mayor of No Chillsville reelected with a mandate.

Yeah. Thanks for voting, California. I voted stickers on social media. Now you had to run against the mayor of Zero Fucksville. Is that correct? You know, he was an incel, so it was a landslide in his favor. So I got Russian hackers to interfere with the, I cannot do a musical. And we're back on hackers already. Yeah.

And we're singing already. But we know singing this time. Hey, let's not sing. Stop it. That's not what this is about. I know. I know. Because you have a lot of different arts that you do.

Isn't that right? Yes. You don't just do singing art. No. You do TV, comedy, the greatest art form. Book. Books. And you do big book.

Remember? Sometimes I color in coloring books. Those are relaxing. Have you guys heard of that? Oh, my God. Adult coloring books? I sit with a book and just color with my – Wait, is there any book? I just zone out. I color my books. Yeah. Adult coloring books? I love to sit with a book and just color with my— Just zone out.

I color my books. Yeah. A coloring book? You know these black and white books where it's just you open it up and there's no colors in it, and then you can grab a crayon in your closed fist and stash it into the— Yes, yes, yes. And then people are like, what page are you up to? And you stab harder and you say 159 to sound smarter.

Yeah, when I really have only colored the very beginning of the book and I got bored. Dab harder to sound smarter. Do you guys read for pleasure? I have not read that one. It's always. I have. Yeah. It's on my list. I have a magazine. It's on my list.

I have a magazine for pleasure magazines. Is it for pleasure? Pleasure fancy? Yes. Just for people that enjoy pleasure. I read one pleasure, two pleasure, and three pleasure. I read Ready Player One. Ready Pleasure One.

Yeah, I read four players. Ready Player Two. A Pleasure One. I read, yeah, I read four players. Ready Player Two. A.K.A. The Game. Oh, Mystery! Mystery. Peacocking. Uh-huh. Keno.

Keno. All good specifics. Establish Keno. That's when you touch a woman. Safe touching. Yes. Is there any safe touching anymore? These days? Yes. These there any safe touching anymore? These days?

Yes. These days you can. Of course. It is getting harder to go to a public place and put your hand on someone. And put your hand on a stranger and have it be. And not just like a closed. Nice. Yes.

Shoulder, like a flesh to flesh. Yeah. Or like when someone has long hair and they're standing next to you on the subway and they just sort of brush their long hair up against your bare arm. Well, when I'm sitting on the subway, sometimes I'll be sitting in the seat where the map is behind

me and then like a rocker guy will lean his long hair in front of my face like he's reading the map, but he's really just brushing his sort of curtains of hair across my nose. And you's reading the map, but he's really just brushing his sort of curtains of hair across my nose. And you likey. Oh, I lovey! It's like entering a bordello and pushing

the beads aside. Oh, that's what the B train is. That's what the B train now stands for. Yeah, it gets you to a very erotic place. It was so fun when they redecorated one of the subway cars to look like Roseanne's living room. Bordello of braids. So I...

Her actual living room, not the one on the show. The one in Hawaii. Yes. Do we talk about Roseanne? A lot of stuff thumbtacked to the wall. Like a homeland

theory wall? Yeah. But with less lines drawn between, you know. Just thumbtacks, and she's always holding a string in front of it, holding it up like, does this go? Can I connect this to? And then just pulling it back and going, not yet, it's not time yet. Right. It was like Breaking Story for Arrested Development, essentially. Yeah.

God, so complex. I love breaking story. That is the best part of the process. And once it's over, the show is over for me. And you guys take it from there. Exactly. You guys meaning? My little cronies.

Yeah, my little cronies. Yeah. I'm starting to have cronies as well. How's that going? It's fun. I cast off a few of my cronies, some of the ones that weren't doing as much anymore. And Hayes scooped up my crony crumbs. I have some starter cronies.

So we wanted to not do a musical, but we did want to get the big scoop on something that you did recently. It was in the news. And we actually did read the news, and we found out. And let me just— No thanks to you, we know what happened. Let me just read the article. What? I tell you when there's good—are you saying that I'm the kind of friend that only tells you when bad things happen?

You were being sneaky about the news, and let's leave it at that. And you're caught. And then we texted you, and you're like, oh, what happened? Oh, was there like a big news? And it's like, yeah, there was a big news. Uh, yas. Queen?

Yas? Queenie. Queen. Queenie. And that used to be something we remembered to call you. Yeah. Let's start over. Queenie's here.

And the article says, Julie's in the big show, smash series, NBC, Bofo. One of the biggest channels. The Peacock. Yes. Bofo TV News. Julie's the big star. The big star. And doing the jokes and on camera starring.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm the frigging biggest channel. So think about how I feel reading that. Not great. Not great. So what we want to talk about now is, obviously, we're never going to see that show. The show's not going to be on TV.

Yes, I did. Let me just catch up. Yes, yes. Catch people up. You made a decision. I booked it. You booked it. I booked it. I had a good pilot season. Yeah, you booked it. For once. You know? You deserve it. Thanks. I think so, too. Every year I come out here

and stay at the Oakwood with those mothers and their sad children. And I go out for anything that they'll let me, you know, be kind of sassy in. And this year I booked it. So I had a part in a pilot for the Peacock. And it was. Take that. It was really, you know, it was a really fun experience.

Yeah. That rocks. So talk about the decision you made after you did the show that you don't want to do it. I would be on TV. Well, that wasn't a decision I made. I'm sorry to say. Oh, give me a break. No, it really wasn't my choice.

You really wanted this one. Of course. Yeah. Of course. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but it was a multicam. Yeah. Damn. And the thing about multicams is the actors' schedules are just smooth sailing.

That's the dream in half hour? The best. Oh, no. And then you get taping night. Hello, I'm back in the theater where I started. Yes. It's like a play. Yeah. and all like

and the best kind of play if I may just interrupt you I wasn't doing anything please do my favorite kinds of plays are when they do a scene and then they do the scene again yes yeah well so many times when I'm watching a play first of all I, I miss the scene. Like, they'll do the scene and then I'll go, are they not going to do that again? Because I didn't know I only got one crack at it. Yeah.

I was looking at something else. Frequently. Some of the scary monsters on the ceiling in some of these things and on the side, it's like, are we,

we're just going to ignore this? No, we're not going to, like, this guy is coming out of a wall. It'll be right next to your seat. Or a freaking lion. You'll turn your head, and there's a freaking goblin beast. Yeah. This looks like you're about to do some goblin on your freaking head. And I'm thinking, like, I guess we're all sitting here.

I guess these guys know. Can you see them in the dark, though know you go to the theater a lot. Can you see them in the dark, though? I love the theater. It's my first love. Yeah, and so are you guys all just pretending not to see it so it doesn't notice you? I think that's why they turn the lights out. Yeah.

But I have a flashlight. But then I'm saying to the people. You shouldn't use your flashlight at the theater, Sean. On my phone, I have one. Sean, there's some etiquette that we should go over before we do anything else. Oh, okay, I'll just turn my back on the monster in the dark. That always goes well. There are those other guys.

I've actually seen some movies before. There are those other guys with the flashlights who I think get jealous. Ushers? Yeah, and they like to be the ones that are only with flashlights. Oh, every time I use my flashlight, they come over, can you turn that off? I'm like, you have one. You literally have one. They have nightsticks, too.

I wouldn't know. He knows. Yeah, no, he does know. I wouldn't know about that. What do you mean? He gets bashed. Come on. What happened to you?

Forget it. What, during Mean Girls? Okay, so, yeah, it turns out Mean girls were not necessarily just on stage. There was a real mean girl usher who got so mad about my flashlight that she freaking gave me the business end of the nightstick on the business end of my keister. Did you get to see the second act? Okay, well, I think I know what happens. So, no, I didn't get to see it, but actually when I came to. Oh, my gosh.

He beat you unconscious? From your butt? On his butt. You can pass out just from the butt? Hit me in the butt so hard I passed out. A real Michael Faye situation. I was going to say. I was trying to think of his name.

Gotcha, baby. Don't think I'll ever forget about that. You know what I mean? I enter F into my iPhone. See what he says. Michael Faye? Remember Kevin Nealon did a little subliminal man joke about him, and I'll do it for you now.

I'm not saying there aren't people that deserve to be taken out and caned publicly, McCall and Kelkin, but what I am saying is... That's what he could do is say stuff fast at the end of a sentence. If it was quickly, then it was subliminal. Yeah, it was amazing. People didn't know what the word subliminal meant. Very subliminal to say the exact word. And you wouldn't be thinking, you'd go, okay, what else about Michael Faye?

Because he's moving on so fast. It's not just saying the thing quickly, it's then saying something else. It was a fast bit. No, something else. It was a fast bit. No, it was. It was a speed bit. Yes. One of the speediest. There are different kinds of sketches.

Yeah. Let's get into it. There's a character grab bag. I call it like, you know, like an impression roulette. Impression roulette. There's commercial parody. There's political. Obviously, everyone has to be steeped in that.

There's what up with that. Celebrity cameos. Yeah. Well, there's talk shows. There's game shows. Barry Gibb talk show. That's a genre. There's the census sketch.

Yeah, Linda Richman. Perfect pitch. There's the census sketch. Yeah, Linda Richman. Perfect pitch. There's Linda Richman. Pitch perfect? Pitch perfect? Perfect pitch. Pitch perfect? Ken and Kay?

I just said pitch perfect. Pitch perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's... Fat Amy. There's Fat Amy sketches. We like mansplaining. What about horse? There's a horse sketch. We like mansplaining. What about horse?

There's a horse sketch. What does that go? It's just two guys arguing over who's going to be the butt in the horse costume. And they each have a reason the other one should be. Yeah, that's funny. It's just sort of insult comedy. Right, like you're a horse's ass. They don't say that.

It's subliminal. It's sort of, yeah. And a multicam is kind of like a big long sketch that's about love, isn't it? Well, this pilot was about love. I can't think of anything more universal. You know, the title

Love was already taken. Can you believe it? Yeah. So, it wasn't called that. Yeah. But it was called Can You Believe It? Wow. Okay. But it was called Can You Believe It? Wow. Okay. It was actually, it was originally called Love, Can You Believe It? And then in classic Facebook style, they said lose the love. Lose the love. Lose the comma.

But don't lose the love. Okay. Wow. And was that confusing to you? Very. When you first heard it? I had my first... Why are they telling you

you're acting on this? And then you have to relate that to the creators of the show and everything. Yeah. Why are they going through you, I guess? I wasn't allowed to talk

to the creators of the show. Oh, wow. Okay. Now, you talked a little bit about Tape Night. My understanding is you also served as the fun warm-up comic

during the taping. Can you talk about what the contest you would run? In character, too. Yes, because my character's name was Janet, and people love Janet. Yeah. They haven't even seen it yet. And even though there was a star, like a Nickelodeon star, either Disney or Nickelodeon, and she was very, very popular.

And all of her fans were in the audience the night of tape night they still knew who Janet was or they wanted to so I'd be like hey guys Janet here anyone want to make a prank phone call oh and what did they say

they said what's a phone call because they're millennials oh no and they only text. That's not true. But that was my joke. I said, that's what you guys are probably thinking. Look at you guys. You're going, this girl's going, what's a phone call? She's a millennial. Right. But then I called my

sister on speakerphone and she got very upset. Your sister in the show? No. Real sister. Yeah. And I haven't spoken to her for like seven years. Yeah, you have mentioned that. There's a lot going on there. She didn't like what I said in my book about her.

Uh-huh. That you don't care about her band. No, she didn't like that. Yeah. She's like, the breeders are great. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I said, what's your deal?

I think it is smart. Marjorie deal. By the way. You watch Evil Genius oh wait I saw what's your deal Marjorie Deal is he an evil genius

I get it wait when you said what's your deal was that a joke because Kim Deal was in the breeders yes okay cool

but I also want to say I love that the Duplass brothers are making more documentaries per week than any other brothers well who's hot on their trail? I like to root for the underdog. Is there a pair of brothers who's next?

And can I get on that heat? Yeah. Because there's nothing more important in this business than being able to identify what's next and saying, oh, you like that? I actually like this. And then people go, I haven't heard of it. And you go, oh, you like that? I actually like this. And then people go, I haven't heard of it. And you go, well, you will. If you don't like the Duplass brothers, wait five minutes.

Yeah, there'll be new brothers. There's going to be new brothers. And I know I am sort of an inside guy on some of this stuff. Uh-huh. It is the Sprouse brothers. They're doing a documentary about dangerous lettuce. Why so dangerous? One of them ate some lettuce.

Oh, the Roman lettuce? That was fucked. People were talking about the Roman lettuce. Yes. He ate Roman lettuce? Yes, it's because of what happened to Mr. Sprouse. Oh, no. And they're shooting it now.

Wow. It would be funny. It And they're shooting it now. Wow. It would be funny. It would be like a skit. Yeah. It's like an inverse of supersize me in a way. Yeah. Because you should be eating the nasty stuff. Yeah.

This fast food. And they said, just eat salad. And then the Sprout brothers are going, well, we tried that. Yeah. Bunny food? Mm-hmm. With a question mark? Yeah. They're going food? Mm-hmm. With a question mark? Yeah.

That's the name. We ate the romaine one, and we basically got frigging, you know, stuff coming out of our butts and everything. And it's true. I was just going to say a funny skit. Please. It would be if they do, like, a skit. Yeah.

Like, about that. And one of the people. There are a bunch of skits in this. Oh, good. But this is another skit I could do off of this skit. Okay. There are a bunch of skits in this. Oh, good, but this is another skit I could do off of this skit. Are you following? Let's see.

Wait, tell me when it's over, and I'll back up and see if I got it. Cool. They interview people in documentaries in this one, my skit. Okay, yep. No, I'm not done yet. Sure. In mine.

I have another one then after this. They interviewed the Jolly Green Giant. Oh, wow. Who's going to play him? Jason Segel. That is great. That's good. Okay, so then I had a, well, okay.

That kind of steps on mine. No, no. We're just like, there's no judgment in this room. Okay, yeah. Well, because when you had said they interview people for documentaries, and I was like, oh, okay, I think I got it. And then you had yours afterwards. You got to go first, kind of.

What was yours? I was that they interviewed the bird's eye. The bird's eye from Birds Eye Patchables. The bird's eye bird? Yeah. Well, or just his eye. Or her. So you can see how you kind of took Sean's idea.

Hayes, you're the judge. And I can see why you wanted to be like, can I do mine? Because you knew what he was going to do was very similar. Hayes, let's play showrunner. Okay. You showrunner. Us staffers. I am getting ready to be able to do this, I think.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd sit in the backseat of your grandpa's car and they'd play showrunner? He'd throw the story beats up on the windshield and you'd sort of watch him figure out what goes there and you'd pitch every now and then

and he'd be like, shut up. And he was parked in the garage so it wasn't dangerous to cover the windshield with post-its. No, very safe. Whose idea do you like better? Your idea was

better, but you were a stealer of it from Sean. And there's nothing I care more about than intellectual property. We have to reward integrity. Please. Now, Hayes, how have the showrunner workshops been going?

So they are saying that I'm getting to be, like, so good at this, I'm almost ready to get my little trophy. Wow. That's amazing. At the end, yes. I'm getting very good at remembering what the different shows are on TV. Great. I'm getting very smart about being able to do a whole circle around the table.

Uh-huh, like a horseshoe? They teach you the horseshoe? Yes, they teach you to be able to walk around this thing without hitting any chairs, not even brushing against a chair. You lose points. You can go as slow as you want, which I try to go really fast at first. Oh, and then you realize that wasn't the way to do it? Not worth it. It's not for you.

Not worth it because there's no extra points for doing that. Does the showrunner school work like you pay for classes, but then you have to run the shows for free? Yes, that's right. But that's the model. The classes are really expensive, but the exposure that you get from running these shows. To other potential showrunners. Yes. Who could be your competition.

And then they make money from the shows, but there's so many people seeing these shows that you're doing. It's complicated. I think it's pretty simple, which is exposure is the most valuable thing. It's more valuable than money. Well, yeah. It's complicated. No, it is complicated. It's the most precious thing on Earth.

Currently, yes. What is it, like a Bitcoin coming, Sean? A Bitcoin, an exposure? I'm not necessarily free to talk about the cryptocurrency I'm developing, but it's going to be equivalent to unobtainium from the Avatar movies. And it will be so valuable that exposure will actually be obsolete. Oh, my God. Yes. Wow.

Just like exposure came along and made money obsolete. Yeah. Now, unobtainium, my blockchain crypto. Is that what secession is about? Secession? Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

Basically, and it's kind of about Trump. Oh, that's cool. I didn't make that connection. Okay. Yeah, it's so subtle. Yeah, there's a guy whose name is Trumpet. Mr. Trumpet. President Trumpet.

Okay, which is why I didn't really totally understand. It doesn't seem like that's definitely not the same name as the other guy. Well, if you want me to not understand your show, just get me thinking about jazz during it. Because that will drift me away. You like thinking about jazz more than listening to it? I can't listen to it just because

of my ears but I but I have these extended fantasies about what what it could

be yes yes mm-hmm see show her the one here oh yeah see how the top

is like dripping down yeah over the whole part yeah but I always just thought that was like Sean's cute thing he had that big dripping down. Yeah. Over the whole part? Yeah. But I always just thought that was like

Sean's cute thing. He had that big piercing up top. Oh, the like, the one that's like the size of like bigger than a quarter? There's a part,

there's a part of the ear, and I know this now, that you're allowed to do big, huge, and stretch it. Mm-hmm. There's another part that you are not.

Do not get them confused. Because if you get the big, huge, and stretch it. There's another part that you are not. Do not get them confused. Because if you get the big, giant piercing in the part that do not stretch... But it seems like that part is safer. Good luck listening to jazz. That's the bigger part. And it's harder. It looked, to me, this is going to rock.

The little, small part, you're like, what if he misses it? It's so small. The big part's huge. Yeah, and live and learn. Hopefully next time around. Next time you get your ear pierced? No, next time I'm alive.

To Buddhism now? I'm just ready to kick out on this one. I'm ready to cash in. Do you want to talk about it? He is talking about it. Yeah. I just did. I was just trying to be nice.

I just think that hopefully next time around I'm going to appreciate these ears, these old ears. God, if I knew then what I know now huh that's what is this about pilot season that you're so bleak I don't know he seems so bleak

no this is from I see all my friends get these multi cams I can't even get one cam do we want to do some scenes from the show I would love to we have

so we have your audio. Obviously, legally, we couldn't clear the other actors' audio. They're not guests on the show, and they're not going to be. Oh, my God. I mean, I don't know. This just became a writer's room again in that it got gossipy. Uh-huh. No, we're just worried that they won't want to do it.

We can't get them. If we get them, great. Oh, I understand. But anyway. You're friends with them. Maybe you could get them on. We don't stay in touch. We haven't because it didn't we get them, great. Oh, I understand. But anyway. You're friends with them. Maybe you could get them on. We don't stay in touch. We haven't because

it didn't get picked up and I think people were upset and so they like associate failure with the cast members. So I don't hear from them anymore. Okay. So you're not going to call them?

I can if you ask me. Well, I don't call anyone. I'm a millennial myself. Okay. You know what I'm screaming? Okay. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I guess you do make some calls because you just called back to the freaking best joke of the whole episode. It was a good one. Sweet. So we're going to be able to play clips of your voice from the show,

and then Hayes and I will just sort of guess at and figure out what other people were saying to you during that time. So, you know. Yeah, if you just hear, like tell us the idea of one of the scenes, I guess. That could help. Yeah.

Okay. And I know there is, of course, since you're in it, a substantial musical component to this mall. Well, it just wouldn't be a Julie Klausner joint if we weren't dealing with... A JKJ. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, this first scene...

I can't do that, the acronym thing. I'm amazed that people who can hear three words... The mnemonic device? And just turn it into an acronym. I'm so bad at it. Oh, just to take the first three letters of a thing? Yes, I'm so bad. Here, give me one.

Not ever on Ned. Those are the words? Yes. Okay. Hey, I words? Yes. Okay. Hey, I'll try to help you. I'll try to help you, but I got no chance at this. B-O-N-E-S. Bones?

See? You're close. Right? You're close. See, I see. And you know who can do it? Ackerman. I have heard him do this.

He literally can do it in the moment. Like, he can instantly do it. I can't even get close. I mean, that, to me, yours was pretty close. I don't know. Yeah. Can you give me one? Yeah.

Really? Even dead? Squid. 44. It's hard. Omega? Was that it? Was that it?

Is that close? I mean, is that closer? I mean, sure. Yes. You got one of them, I think. Okay, yes. One of them I know for sure I got, but I was not. I couldn't.

When you get to the, I can remember the last one she gave, but then I can't remember the first when I started. Yeah. Yeah, I like puzzlers. I like car talk puzzlers. That's kind of my whole shit. Is that where they like jumble up the word carburetor? No, that's a jumble. I'm actually good at that too.

But no, car talk puzzlers are, they like do these advanced sort of math. Math? Often. Like if you're going 30 miles an hour, then how much gas are you using? Yeah. Like that kind of thing? That's one of them. They're really hard. That's a puzzler? Yeah. One of them died.

The puzzlers? Yeah. Yeah. How? Puzzle too hard. Yeah. Puzzlerism. Does Jay Leno listen to car talk? I know this is like something that is like too obvious to ask. Does Jay listen? Well, let's ask him.

Hang on. Hi, I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno.

I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. Jay Leno. I'm Jay Leno. I Hi, I was, um, yeah, do I listen to Car Talk? You seen this? It's Car Talk.

Just answer the question. Just say yes or no. You know, I listen to it, uh, the other day with, uh, Judge Lance Ito. So, yes, he does. He listened to it just the other day which is another judge Lance Ito Ryan that was a really good impression by the way

you never do I just like it was so weird to hear you just like raise your hand to volunteer to do it point it yourself grab my mic and pulled it away I was trying to be like no don't do it but yeah I've been waiting for an opportunity to pull that one out thank you and rock that was, don't do it. I've been waiting for an opportunity to pull that one out.

That was crazy. Don't put it back. Can we do the scene, please? Everyone is waiting for the scene from Can You Believe It? Just talk a little bit about what the scene is and then we'll do it. This scene is me giving advice to my best friend who is also a doctor.

I'm a doctor, She's a doctor. She's like, am I going to find the one? I'm like, no. Okay. Great. Who's playing the other doctor? I'd rather not say. I think that's probably right.

For us, too. We'll fill in for the other doctor. Do you want to be the doctor or do you want me to be the other doctor? I guess I'll do – This is like that riddle. Right. Where it's like I can't operate on her because – I can't operate on that boy because I'm a woman.

Well, that's a car talk puzzler. That is one of them. Why can't she – That was the first one. That's – right. I can't operate on my son. I'm a woman. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I guess I'll do this date. Which makes sense if you think about it because it's like you wouldn't know how the boy's body works. You know? Yeah. You can operate on your daughter. Right. And you should.

But don't. Right. It's like I don't want to go to a mechanic who doesn't have his own car. See? Right? Not interested in getting a trim from a bald barber. Jay? Is Jay Leno back?

No. I think it was Sean trying to do a competing Jay to Ryan. I can't. I can't. I found out pretty quick. I don't have it. But, yeah, no, it's not. She can't operate on him.

It's not sexist, but she might try to give him titties. She might try operate on him. It's not sexist, but she might try to give him titties. She might try to do that. Well, yes, because, you know, to a female doctor, it would appear that something was missing from this, what I believe is in the story, a 10-year-old boy. Yes. I should mention in this scene that there's also an incel. Okay. And he is in the room the whole time. Okay.

He's a patient. the whole time. Okay. He's a patient. Oh, wow. Okay. Should I do the stage directions? Okay. All right. Sure. Okay.

Interior. Doctor's lounge. Dr. Julie. Janet. Sorry, Dr. Janet. I forgot. I do think it's a really good idea that the name of your character is also the name of probably the most recognizable character on NBC at this point in a comedy. Who's that?

The Janet from The Good Place. I think it is smart to be like, oh, Janet's on this show. Let's get two Janet. So we can be the Janet channel as well. When on ER there was Dr. Kramer. I can't name a single NBC character except one. Yeah. And that is Janet.

Janet nights on NBC. Must Janet TV. And see, again, you kind of almost did. Maybe that's why the audience was so excited when like. Oh my God, Janet. The showrunner's like, me, Janet. Interior, doctor's lounge. Dr. Janet sashays across the floor.

Scatting. Soupity bop bop, boop boop, doctor. Hi, Rachel. You look sad. What's going on? I'm sick. Yeah, I'm a doctor, but I'm sick. I'm sick, too.

Sick and tired of this dating rigmarole. Okay, but I'm really sick. They sit down on the floor. You know, sometimes I think true love isn't even out there, and it doesn't even exist. And then I, like, eat a whole thing of Doritos and cry myself to sleep with my two best friends, Ben and Jerry. My leg's caught in a trap. A very handsome incel walks into the room. Doctors Jana and Rachel are crushing on him.

Shut up, Rachel! Enough about your leg! There's a patient here. We have to tend to him. Hi, sir. What's wrong with you? Oh, no. I mean, what's really wrong with you?

We high five. I know that you're reading stage direction, but I just had to say that because usually the sound would be like. Right, but we don't have. We only have your audio and we don't. We can't get the other hand's audio. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. What's wrong with you? I mean, what's really wrong with you? They high five. Friggin. It sucks. Oh, here we go again. Rachel, what's wrong?

Why are you in the corner? Well, so my leg is in a trap. Which I said. So that's like why I'm not, you know, moving a lot. I'm kind of a trap queen. I put photos of myself on Instagram sometimes making fishy faces, and I'm still going to die alone. Friggin, you ever think about how we are, like, friggin all going to die?

Could be something some comedians could point out. Check please. End of scene. Wow. There was no singing ultimately. No, but with the scatting. Scatting is a kind of singing. So I guess that is a musical

element. There was like a big musical finale to the show. I mean that's the, you know, this scene was just the first scene of the pilot. Okay. We're gonna play that one too, right? Yeah, I guess we should. I mean, can you tell us

kind of what happens in the show? Yes. So we can, I guess, know what we're looking forward to here? Okay, well, Rachel has her leg amputated. Yeah. And then she needs to find a donor to donate another leg. A leg donor. Yeah, yeah. She needs to find a leg donor, and

lo and behold, it's this guy that she ends up falling in love with. And there was a big conflict for her earlier in the episode for a woman her age. Should she be freezing her legs? Something that we're't dealing with now. Sometimes, like, there's always the option of, like, I can get a leg surrogate.

Yeah. But you want it to be your legs. But then there's the issue of, like, what does that even mean? Yes. You know, like, what is, what's my leg, what's her leg? Yes. Why are women supposed to be perfect? Thank you.

Why can't Samantha be? Girl boss. Or girl boss. Be like, so and so is a fucking C word. Yeah. Sure. One question I had about the scene is, at the top of the scene, Rachel was sick,

but then later her issue was that her leg was in a trap. Did she think her leg hurting was being sick? Or just did that get clarified at all? That's a great question. And NBC had the same question. And the answer to it is it was a misdirect. Hey, I could work at NBC. That's nice.

So the musical finale, I guess, is really, is it Rachel singing about her new leg? No. Oh. Okay. It is certainly not that. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry, Queenie. All of the characters lip sync to a sad song about love, like in Magnolia's. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that Magnolia Bakery. Yeah. Uh-huh. You know that cupcake store? Oh, yeah, from the frigging Sunday song? Yeah, I think I know about that. What's the Sunday song? It's these two white guys do a – like, they do a rap like black guys about white stuff.

Like the Chronicles. Yes. Yes. The Chronic was like a thing. I remember. Rapping was already doing. Oh, for Spiral Video. I know what you're talking about.

And they extended it. Yeah, yeah. Keyboard Cat. Yeah. History of dance. history of dance. So the song is them lip syncing and then they sing an original song after? No, they are lip syncing to an original song.

Ah. Okay. That's a sad song. Sad but sweet, bittersweet, very This Is Us. Yeah. Okay. At one point, somebody's house is destroyed by a slow cooker I should mention

okay and that factors in you're pulling a lot of stuff from other NBC shows I am just

an actor okay that's the great thing about this gig I show up I find the character sure I rehearse

that sounds so nice I look in it is a sweet gig Sean does the check clear the check clears baby okay Sure, sure. I rehearsed. That sounds so nice. I look in turn. It is a sweet gig, Sean. Yeah. Does the check clear? The check clears, baby. Okay.

It's as clear as Scientology, baby. I could get used to that. I could get used to that, baby. I mean, I've never been on a set where I'm not also the director, the producer. It's challenging. Yes, yes, yes. But you know what? It's actually kind of like a little vacation.

It's like now you're not going to have to think about directing or producing. Show up and just do the thing. But you know what? It's actually kind of like a little vacation. It's like now you're not going to have to think about directing or producing. Show up and just do the thing. But you know what, though? Do the thing is a little more complicated than just do the thing. You sounded a little flippant when you said that just now. Okay, yeah. No, I just – Acting is real.

Acting is important. No, it's – And ultimately the people in front of the cameras are the people that we see. Yeah. And this is a visual medium. Some people think that actors have to invent some kind of process around their performance just in order to not go insane with the fact that what they are doing for most of their life is nothing. Yeah.

And that the more complicated the rituals of preparation, the more it will feel like a job and will make them feel satisfied with what they're doing. And that actually you could probably get a very similar performance from just showing up and doing it, just learning the lines and kind of doing it. I don't think that at all. I can't believe anyone would say that. Get out of here with that.

You had to go to a hospital and... I went to a veteran's emergency room. Yes, and shadow a doctor. Yes. And do veteran surgery. I did surgery on a veteran. Yeah. Of the television industry. Oh, wow. Yeah.

He was a conductor. He conducted orchestras that played like, you know the Oscars, like, Oh, yeah. That was what he directed. What a lost era. It's very sad now. I know that now they just hit play,

and it's like, and Jimmy Kimmel's like, I surprised these people at an Arby's. And I was like, do you want to meet Kate Mara? I really, yeah. And these people are like, we all just got out of prison. Oh, Bosh is awake.

I missed the sweeping operatic score for Jimmy, like, whatever, throwing Lunchables at these rich people. People that just came out of a bus. Yeah. Oh, right. No, that's what's fun. He throws sandwiches at the rich people. Yeah. And the poor people that come out of the bus get he's surprised with

Benedict Cumberbatch and they get excited because they see the camera yeah yeah yeah that's good

well I fear that we need to get this song done yeah don't fear I just that's something I get this song done. Yeah. Don't fear. That's something I know now as an actor. And by the way, my preparation was extensive.

Thank you very much. I bought a different bra. You have to prepare. No, that's like, it's so important. I was like, what would Janet wear on her titties? Yeah, and it was just like my breasts felt different. And that reminded me that I was playing someone different. Yeah, no, it's very important to prepare.

And that's what I was saying, actually, was like you have to do that. And I'm not talking about research or understanding like what the character you're playing would know. I'm talking about doing the just like doing all the exercises that you do, you know? Oh, like on Barry? Well, I don't know about that. Hayes has told me about that show. I don't know about that show. You've never heard of it? I don't know.

I don't know. Hayes has told me about it. It's about Barry Levinson. Okay. Well, it sounds good. It's about him making a movie about an assassin named Shorty. Ooh. Is he a small fella?

Yeah. No, he's actually kind of big, but not so big that it would make sense to call him Shorty. No. Yeah. No. You guys have nicknames? For each other? For each other? For each other, yeah.

We have secret names. Well, we have a burn book full of nicknames for everyone who works at Earwolf. Yeah. And it's not digital. It's an actual book. It's a physical book. It's not like a Slack room. Do you have a Slack burn book?

We're in a Slack. We have a Slack channel. Right, but this is an e-book. This, yes. Did I tell you guys about pitching to Slack this trip? Oh, you're doing your, they're really trying to get in to the game here. It did not go well. Oh, okay.

What happened? Did he not fit in with their Slacker vibe? I got a migraine for the first time and I threw up on my shoes. Yikes. That first migraine. Better than their shoes shoes. Yikes. That first migraine. Better than their shoes. I guess so. That first migraine is a tough one. I'm glad we got away from the nicknames because I wouldn't want

Ryan to know what his nickname is. Please. Interesting. Is it Leno? It's Munch Machine. Yeah. You see him, like watch him hit the fridge after this show. He can put it down.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Beeline, baby. He'll be in there in a second. I respect the man with an appetite. And he comes up with food already in his mouth. He's a munch machine. I hate that he knows this now, but we call him that in the book, the e-book.

So Ryan's Munch Machine. I wish Kevin was in here because I would finally reveal his nickname. You're not going to do it unless he's here? He did this thing earlier when he came in. He comes in now, he kind of lingers, you know, like ready for his big moment. Everybody good? You good? Any water, anything? Kevin!

He's like right outside the room. Look how quickly he's here. Hi, guys. So ready to go. What is that? Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. It's the AirPods. Did you ever use those?

And so now, like, you know, Kevin got to be the guest on our live show that we last did. As a dog. Yes. And so now all of a sudden he's got these AirPods. Yep. That's what he won? No, he got so much fucking money.

He like immediately got all these endorsements. Oh, that's cool. That sucks. Congrats. Thanks. Anyway, Kevin, your nickname is Ratchet Slut. What the heck?

Yeah, what the heck is Ratchet Slut and why you act like that? We were... We, of course, have our e-book of nicknames for everyone at Earwolf. We did let Ryan know his nickname. Munch Machine. Which is Munch Machine. And yours, of course, is slut because of how ratchet you are uh and just how you know you're sort of the way you carry yourself around the office okay nobody's gonna buy the slut when they can get your

ratchet ass for free man oh my god that's the truth this is well we said we didn't want this getting out i like this it's like being a fly on the wall. Like, what do boys talk about in the age of Me Too? Yeah, we talk about who's Ratchet. Yeah, we talk about who's Ratchet and who's a slut. If Kevin doesn't value himself, I'm sorry, but no one else is going to value him, and certainly the Burn Book won't. The Burn Book only sees the truth.

It's sort of like that gate in Neverending Story. Yes, the oracle. Yeah, the oracle gates. Zap you if you don't answer the puzzler. That's right. If you get the puzzler wrong, it's going to freaking roast you. That's what happened to the card dog guy. Even if you're in knight in shining armor.

Yes, got zapped. And that horse that drowned, were there two people in that horse? That's Artex. No. Costume or? No, that. No. We don't joke about Artex.

We don't do callbacks about Artex. Sorry. It would have been a very good sketch, yes, to have two people arguing over who's going to be the head and who's going to be the butt of the horse in the Artex costume. And then he freaking drowns in the swamp of sadness anyway. And it's like, okay, well, I guess it didn't matter. It didn't really end up mattering that much. Yeah. That would be very funny.

Well, that's why I brought it up. Because I sometimes just, it's seeds and you guys are soil and sometimes flowers happen. Yeah, but not this time. Not today. I understand. I'm sorry we can't do that. If you want to joke about the big turtle that lived there, kept sneezing on him, okay. That didn't come up yet, right?

Nuh-uh. Oh, okay. Or the guy eats rocks and likes it. The rock eater. The rock eater, yeah. Yeah. Something of a Ryan type. A racing snail.

Munch monster? Munch machine racing snail munch monster? a munch machine yes he can be a munch monster as well when he's hangry I love talking about never ending story just old movies movies were so fucked up they were so fucked up

scary you're watching it and you're like movies from when I was a kid. Movies were so fucked up. They were so fucked up. Scary. Falcor's fucking scary. You're watching it and you're like, I can't believe this. I saw, this is for kids? This is for kids?

I'm freaking scared. There's a scene at the beginning of Never Ending Story where that dad who like, don't like his kid even, make a smoothie

out of orange juice and an egg. This is for kids? That shit's fucked up. Yes. Oh, yeah. I don't know how I handled it. But kids can get dark stuff, though, too.

No, I think they can, actually. We underestimate how fucking twisted a kid's mind can be. Yeah. And it's sort of what came first, the kid or the freaking chicken? And Ryan's rubbing his stomach like, yum. He hears the orange juice and the egg. Oh, and the chicken. He heard chicken.

He likes a chicken Caesar. Unbelievable munch machine. Legendary munch machine. And he's also a hype beast. What is he hyping? He's one of these, like, Supreme guys. He'll, like, wait in line at Supreme every time there's, like, a big new release. Of a shoe?

Yeah. Or a sock? Or a shirt. That's cool. Or, like, a bib. Because as the Munch Machine, he doesn't want to ruin his clothes. He has his nice Supreme clothes. But he gets his Supreme bib.

It's badass. It's actually on fleek, and I've seen it. It's fleeking out of control. He'll say Yeezy Season and pop his bib. And does it have a pocket for his binky? Yeah. and it doesn't have a pocket for his binky yeah well his binky is like a CBD binky like in a

USD port yeah that he uses to just like get lifted CBD's actually not psychotropic right but he gets the body high out of it he does

he just gets oh I'm having a better day no but I just want to be responsible I just want to be responsible when we talk

about this stuff weed culture has been really big for comedy and I think comedy owes weed culture a little bit of a favor talk about it

responsibly I think we're all in agreement that right now with all the elections and the politics being spoken about so much that like we can all agree agreement that right now with all the elections and the politics being spoken about so much.

Politics. Nice. We can all agree that marijuana is the number one issue right now. We got to deal with it. We got to deal with it. That's number one. Yeah. Are we going to do this song?

We got to do this song. Okay. Well, let's just get it out of the way. It's called I'm a Munch Machine for Love. Oh, wow. So that was part of the show. Okay, well, let's just get it out of the way. It's called I'm a Munch Machine for Love. Oh, wow. So that was part of the show. Okay, crazy. I thought you guys were, like, all part of the zeitgeist.

You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess so. Well, it's all parallel thought. It's like LA. It's like you hear something about a show, and then you hear it four more times that week. Yeah. For a while, it's catfishing. Mm-hmm.

Everyone thinks about catfishing. Yes. Then it's about munchishing. Everyone thinks about catfishing. Then it's about munch machines. Or like, I'm a garbage can. You know when people were saying that? Yeah. Like, oh, I'm such a garbage can. Trash fire.

I'm such a trash fire. Walking dumpster. So we'll do the song now Can you believe how ratchet It's called I feel like ratchet But also random Have you guys considered Random slut

That's a compliment Are we rando slut He would love to be rando But it's actually very Rehearsed I respect that As an actor It's part of the process

Yeah He tried to get us To call him rando calrissian How did that go Very rehearsed. I respect that as an actor. That's what he's doing. It's part of the process. Yeah. Yeah. He tried to get us to call him Rando Calrissian. How did that go? Well, I guess I just repeated it, so he frigging inceptioned me. I like how you reference movies I'll never see. Oh, sure.

Avatar. Mm-hmm. Should we sing? Should we do the song? I've never seen it. Yeah. I mean, you're not going to be able to see the video of us lip syncing to it. Avatar. Mm-hmm. Should we sing? Should we do the song? I've never seen it. Yeah, I mean, you're not going to be able to see the video of us lip syncing to it. Right, but we'll just hear it. Yeah.

Okay. But everybody sings it. Ryan, can you play it, please? Please. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Boom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-dee-doom-dee-doom-dee-doom-dee-doom. What the heck is going on? This song is singing. What the heck is going on? This song don't even have no words.

There's no words to the song. It's just crazy noises. Can you believe that the crazy noises are the song? Didn't you think that the lyrics would show up by now? Munch machine for love That was bittersweet How did they lip sync to that? What's to lip sync to?

You guys are familiar with that guy from Police Academy Yeah, sure Michael Winslow Taco Berry Yeah Yeah, Michael Winslow, Taco Berry Yep Taco Berry

Well, he would make things with his mouth that are called sounds. Okay, so you guys are all doing that. We would blubber our lips. I mean, to be honest, it kind of reminds me of an acting class exercise. Okay, some of this Barry stuff. Yeah. Where it's like, try not to laugh. So I've seen Barry, and this is something that happens in it.

And so Barry will come into his acting acting class and he'll be there to shoot a guy but he got his schedules confused or whatever so he's pointing his gun at the people in the classroom and they're like, oh, you're doing it as a scene. You're doing this in character. And he's got blood all over him and they'll be like, oh, this is a great choice for your character and no matter what

he does, they think he's acting no matter what. Right. And then he kills a guy and they're like, that guy's an even better actor than him. Yes, that's right. Oh, you're really good at this, Barry. He's not moving. We want to be friends with you even more now. The only Barry I'm interested in is I'm trying to bury these millennials in their friggin' safe space.

Six feet underground. Pretty safe down there. PC culture. PC culture? I'm sick of these SJWs. I did it! You're using acronyms, and that confuses Hayes. Acronyms, Hayes don't like them.

I believe that you did it. Except for CBD. To be determined. Yeah. CDB. What's that? D-B-E-Z-B-Z-B. It's a book I had when I was a little kid.

Just a bunch of sentences that were just letters. I feel like... It's like there'd, easy B, easy B It's a book I had when I was a little kid Just a bunch of sentences that were just letters I feel like It's like there'd be a B there C, DB C, the B? C, the B The B is a busy B Anyway, that's a book I had when I was a little kid Bye

Bye Earwolf I'm a horny girl wolf this has been an Earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon for more information and content visit Earwolf.com ow

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