Hollywood Handbook - Julie Klausner, Our Tonys Friend

Episode Date: June 27, 2017

Sean and Hayes are once again joined by JULIE KLAUSNER to help them prepare a show that will win the upcoming Tony Awards. This episode is sponsored by Harry's (www.harrys.com/hollywoodhandbook) and Chapman University (www.chapman.edu/grad).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm there with Steve Smith Sr. And Judy Gold. Steve Smith Jr. No. No. And we're going through the obstacle course because it's double dare and it's gross. And we're crawling through like a fucking calzone or some shit.

Calzone full of snot. Full of snot boogers. And we're looking for this flag. And I realize that I'm the only one looking. Yeah. And that Steve and Judy have sort of buried themselves in the snot and are – Oh, we're looking over – Yeah, and they're like, we're really looking.

And I go, uh, seems like it's not going to be in there. Yeah. Seems like the only thing you're looking for is, uh, a little release. And so, uh,

and, and in fact, I'm just about to scream at them and storm off the set, which is something I never do. That was what you were going to scream. Seems like the only thing you guys are looking for is a little release. You were going to scream that egg really at them. That to me seemed like a pretty pithy, tight way to get my point across

without being filthy is, of course, for Nickelodeon. And so I'm gearing up to scream it and i'm taking a deep breath in but to your point of the flag's not going to be in there yeah where steve smith senior is looking yeah flags not in there yeah well i got you know sour news for the both of us what the flag was in was in there. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's the kicking butt, dropping names of the red carpet, land back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? And here we are, and we've got a guest, and uh-oh, you're in for an episode.

Some of the guests that we have, people say, I love it. I want to do another one. Uh-huh. And they say, I wish always. I want to do another one. Uh-huh. And they say, I wish always this was a guest, and I wish this guest was a host, and the host wasn't the host. This should be the third host. This should be the host, and then the host should just either be a guest or not be around at all.

And we hear that a lot, and sometimes one of the people we hear it about is one of the guests we have today. Julie. Hi, guys. Hi, pals. Hello, fellows. Julie, are you here to have fun or what? I'm going to try my best.

Yeah, please, nobody stop her. Engineer Cody, don't try to stop her. And what do you, let's just start with the Julie report, shall we? Let's dive in. Dateline Tuesday. Yeah. Julie is in the news. Breaking.

Let's go to Julie. Julie. Hi, I'm Julie. I'm here in the field, and thank you for going to me. Back to you, Julie. Back to you, Hayes. Back to you, Julie. Back to you, Sean.

Back to you, Julie. Back to you, Sean. And that's the Julie Report. And here's round two of the Julie Report. Hi, guys. Thanks again for coming to me live. I am coming back to you. Bye.

And bye. And that's all the time we have. And so now the Julie Report's over, and we're going to just check in with Julie. Julie, how was your week? Oh! We have not been invited ever to do that. Oh, well, I did invite you when I was still doing it. Is that really something that happened?

No. No, no. Sure. No, because in my head I was like, oh, I would have jumped at the opportunity to do that. Would you? Really? Oh, yes, of course. At the time. At the time. It was a different time of all of our careers, I think.

Yes. Oh, yeah. But really, what's going on with you, Julie? Is there any news? Well, the Tonys are coming up, and I'm preparing for those. Yeah. Yes, Broadway's beloved Betty, of course, is going to be involved. Betty Buckley?

Well, I was referring to you. Betty is just like a dame. Oh, like a backstage Johnny. Yes, so of course Broadway's beloved Betty is going to be involved in the Tonys in some way. Yes, triple B. Yes, excited for them. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, and Broadway's best Apple Brown Betty is baked by me. Oh. Oh, wow. Thank you. You're the best one. Thank you. Move over, Megan Mullally. Megan Mullally?

Like Shillelagh? Mm-hmm. Is that how her last name is pronounced? As far as I know. She should be in more things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, go ahead.

Put her in them. I'm trying. I mean, that's kind of, that's what we're talking about. Yeah, it really is. At this point. Is that true? Yes. Is that true?

You are now saying, when you're saying that, when you're saying she should be in more things, you're really saying I should do this. I'm in charge. Like note to self. Yes. I'm honestly in charge now. And we don't always notice when we make a transition like this. But you've gone from somebody who goes like, why aren't they in more things to somebody who'd go like, hey, go be in the thing.

When you say transition. It's a grade between kindergarten and first grade for kids who were either born very late in the year or who were not, but are not doing great. Yes. Or messing up a lot. They're doing screw ups. who were not, but are not doing great. Yes. Okay. They're messing up a lot. They're doing screw ups. Okay. And cleaning.

Flushing. Hygiene sometimes. Flushing crayons. Sometimes it's hygiene is part of it. And it's the just reading, writing stuff. They're faking it until they make it a little bit. Being curious about girls. Yes.

And I didn't go to that. Great. So is anything happening with you? You asked me that in a few different ways. I don't feel that way. I wish there was more going on with me in general besides preparing for the Tonys. But you're in L.A.? Yeah.

From this crazy election. You're in L.A.? How are you finding it? Talk about the election. Oh, God. Please don't get me started on this election and how crazy it was. A couple things. Can I just get this out of the way?

Because I feel like it would be, like, ridiculous. Let's get it out of the way. It's like these shows, you know, like political shows. It's like, how are you going to improve on the craziness that's already happening? Oh, yeah. Some people say it's good for comedy. I actually feel the opposite. I do, too. Some people say it's good for comedy. I actually feel the opposite. I do, too.

And like something like Veep, like if I could ask the creators of Veep one question, I'd be like, how are you dealing with this election because it's so crazy? Makes it harder to do. Makes it harder. Like where, if I were interviewing Dave Mandel. Dave Mandel. Dave Mandel or something like that. He doesn't do interviews, but go ahead. I'd be like, how do you deal with the fake politics when the real politics seems fake?

Yes. You could say you can't one-up that show without breaking the reality because it is a show. The real world is a show. Oh, you mean the politics show? Yes. Yeah. I wish somebody would say this. It's Homeland.

But Washington is now Homeland. It's homeland. Washington is now homeland. Oh, yeah. No, I wish someone would say that, too. I mean, I actually wish you would say it, Hayes. Yeah. That is not really my place. I'm looking for someone else to come before me.

Is it not your place or is it not your brand? It is. Well, interesting. Speaking of transitions. Interesting. This one was like, oh, I don't want. Speaking of transitions. Interesting. This one was like, oh, I don't want to do anything political. Yeah. I'm just like, people are like, what do you think?

It's like, I'm neutral. Well, we asked you for about an hour and a half before we started recording. Like, please don't bring up anything political. We don't want to touch on it at all. Right. And what's amazing to me is how many other things have been like the election. Yeah. Like, I thought the election was bad. Right.

But then, like, I'm watching the Super Bowl. Right. Okay. Right, right, right. And it was exactly like the election. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Don't you think so?

Totally. The boy won. The boy won, and also there was a Bernieernie bro yes one of them was bernie bernie and then um there was a bernie guy yeah in trouble one of the guys was in green like the green party like one of the teams was green right yeah might have been yeah casey was on one of the teams. He was, I think, was like a linebacker coach or something. So speaking of things that are like the election. The Tonys is like a, is that what you were going to say? It is an election.

It is an election. You know what else is like kind of a popularity contest? Okay. Okay. Uh-oh. High school. She went thereoh high school she went there high school yes and it's like the jocks the dweebs the stoners who's gonna be the prom queen prom queen football man principal the vice principal you know who's more popular and i actually think that the guys

that they should really want to be giving the tony awards to are the kids that are like kind of quiet you know that are just like holding back a little bit so interesting because those are ones that grow up to the most interesting there's actually something going on there they're all we're all freaks yes yeah yes so one of the great things about the tony awards and i think like you know some of the monologues and the songs, like, very subtly alluded to the idea that, like, you know, we were, like, we were kids, too. And we were, like, freaky deaky. I'd love to see somebody admit that. I'd love to see somebody admit that. And, like, if you read between the lines, you can see, like, in, like, I don't know, like, James Corden.

Like, Lin-Manuel wrote the thing for Neil Patrick Harris. And it was, like, very subtle clues to, like, I was a little kid once, and guess what? I was a dork. And you are a dork. Well, Corden wasn't. He wasn't? Are you saying that he might have been? No, I'm saying that I feel like if you read between the lines, he was almost like saying like, hey, guys, watching, you're fucking losers.

But guess what? So am I. You could be me because of Raul. You could be hosting this one day. You could be me. Yeah. You're older than me now. And also that me equals.

You could be the freaking hand in the Emoji movie. You could be the hand in the Emoji movie. Who is the hand, by the way? James Corden. James Corden. Is that true? What is the hand doing? Is it doing this?

It's got a band-aid. What happened to his finger? I don't know. I don't know. I can't find that emoji on my board. Is it like a salamity slicer? I keep looking for updates because I think that maybe there's a salamity slicer emoji that I haven't been able to get a hold of.

I could use that so often to respond to people. Yeah, that would come up for me a lot. Or somebody's like, you up, and then I send back a salamity slicer. What are some of the big ones? What are the big Tonys? The big musicals? The big Tonys? Because we're hoping to do a Tony.

Yeah. What do you mean? We're planning to try to do a Tony. Sneak one in. Sneak one in last minute. Oh, I see. To sneak in something that could be nominated and awarded. You know how sometimes... Because they'll

have seen these ones before. They'll see ours last because we're going to do it right now. Primacy and recency. Yes. And it'll be the only one they'll remember. Remember last year when the founder came out for like three days in 2016? You mean Hamilton? Hamilton was the founder of the Treasury, I believe.

Is that what you're referring to? No. I'm taking this and doing a movies analogy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Mr. Hamburgers? Yes. I remember that movie. Originally called Mr. Hamburgers, of course, better title.

And it came out for a few days and then disappeared for like six months because they went like, we got to get this out in time for award season, right? And then I believe it won a bunch. Yeah. But for us. Mr. Hamburgers, you can't.

This is mine. Mr. Hamburgers, these are my hamburgers. Mr. Hamburgers, the mustard's all over. Mr. Hamburgers, this is simply not how we do things. Mr. Hamburgers, you're acting too crazy. You're going to break all the grill. Mr. Hamburgers you're acting too crazy you're going to break all the grill Mr. Hamburgers come home and fuck me oh yeah

and he said no and he was like never but ask me to put a pickle on it you know what I mean like that's how he wants to say be told to fuck and so that is real

but for us what's our Mr. Hamburgers for the Tonys And so that is real. But for us, what's our Mr. Hamburgers for the Tonys? So what are those big ones? The big ones this year are Dear Evan Hansen from the guys that brought you Forgetting Sarah Marshalls. Mmm Bob. Dear Evan Hansen. Mmm Bob. Yes. Evan Hansen. Mmm, Bob. Yes.

Right? Yep. Okay. And then there's... And then he's the lead singer of the Lemonheads? Yeah, the Lemonadeheads. Okay, great. Yep. And then there's one...

That's all. That's the big one. That's the big one. Okay, what... So who do we say dear to? Who do we write a letter to if our Tony? And do we want to do Dear Mr. Hamburgers to try to sort of... Richard Nixon?

Richard Branson, I was going to say, because it rhymes. Oh, okay. But it also depends what is going on with Evan Hansen. Oh. His arm is broken, I remember, from the sign. He has a cast. From the sign. He has a cast. And the show has a cast, too. Was that the salamity slicer?

It was unclear. Okay. I did see it. Just so you guys know. Oh, and they don't really explain what happens with the... No, they do. It's a secret the whole time. It was confusing to me. Yeah. I'm a woman. And I get distracted sometimes by sexy guys or clothes on sale or the smell of my own hair. Well, there's some beef studs in the audience out there.

Show them what they got. The audience and in the pit. Yeah. Have you guys ever looked down into the pit where the orchestra plays and you're just like... That trombone's going wah, wah, wah, wah, making you think of stuff, huh?

Yeah. And I'm just like, this is a pit of meatballs. Yeah. Uh-huh. You want to... Boiling. I do.

Boiling meatball pit. I do. I get horny. Mm-hmm. And then you're gonna... Yep. And then I'm like, how is his leg broken? And they're like, it's his arm.

Oh, wow. So then you're in a fight. Didn't you see a show when John Kerry was there once? Yeah, I was at Hamilton and he said, How did you survive that level of horniness? Drowning in my own filth. And he's married to Mrs. Hamburgers. Well, Mrs. Hamburgers...

Think about that. To be fair, she's like queen hamburgers. Yeah, and now she's mother hamburgers. It's like dame hamburgers. Okay. So that's interesting. Dear Evan Hamburgers? He's married to Mrs. Hamburgers.

Meanwhile, you can't dig your eyes off his bones. And that's really what happened at that show. It's true. It's true. And that's why, you know, there's not, you know what the problem is this year with the Tonys is there's no Hamilton. You're like, what's the Hamilton? Where's our Hamilton? Where's our Hamilton?

Take me back to a simpler time. What's my Hamilton is what I ask myself every morning when I try to make something. What's my Hamilton? For me, I guess I'm asking myself this in the morning. Do we spam something? Sorry. No. Because Hamilton.

You know, there is a Spamalton. Well, that's great. Because that's sort of this year's Hamilton is Spamilton. And now is it our turn to spam a show. To spam Spamilton? Oh, to just be like Spam Evan Hansen?

Or we could do Dear Evan Sampson. So Spam will spam. Oh, okay. Yeah, Dear Evan Sampson so spam will spam oh okay yeah Dear Evan Sampson that's fun that's fun okay so we Dear Evan Sampson and we'll get the Python fans

we'll get the Python fans yes oh yeah oh those guys are so fucking hot oh my god yeah well that's some great who's the beefiest

Python definitely Terry Jones all beef yeah he looks like he'd really know what he's doing down there. Yeah. I got to say, Eric Idol is essentially a teen idol. And he does not have idol hands around one's clit. No, they're extremely active.

They're very busy. I wouldn't mind getting a John Squeeze from old John Cleese. I'll tell you, there's a certain chap man that I would... Uh-huh. Is making my... Yeah, I'd let him... You'd like a telegram? Making my downstairs a bit chapped.

Yeah. He's turning my graham cracker into some s'mores. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And that's the truth. Who's left? Michael Palin. Yeah. Uh-huh. And that's the truth. Who's left? Michael Palin.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then Terry Gilliam. Yeah. Who I find grotesque. And there must be another one. I find grotesque.

I really do. Oh, really? Just how steaming high he is. Yeah, that it's almost obscene. It's actually vulgar. Also, like, the subtlety of his funny cartoons. They're, like, so funny. Like, they the subtlety of his funny cartoons. They're like so funny. Like they all have a point of view.

Yes. You know, like even without the sound effects, they'd be funny. Right. Yeah. But that's honestly, that is what the queen, like the queen does do that. Queen hamburgers? The queen will walk, like jump into the screen. Her bloomers fall down.

She goes, it's true. Her bloomers fall down she goes it's true her bloomers fall down she goes no hey she does it it does happen she farts and then her like and yeah and she flies off the force of the fart yep she's like flying off screen blast a dragon flying then her like public domain like wood cut tits come out yes wait do those voices again I say that's the

the guy that's the guard outside I say and then she lands she lands on his hat and it's like all going up inside her and she's like

my hat this happens in England this happens this is real like you know like people are afraid to say this. Yes, every day they do this little ceremony where they do that outside. You know why I wish I was smarter?

Because people like you are like, I watch BBC. It's a burden. Yeah. Wait, what do you watch? CISO. And now for something completely different. But really, it's honestly not fun. It's like, knowing all this stuff, it is like...

Oh, you mean being educated? It's paralyzing. Yeah. It's terrifying. It's a responsibility more than it is fun. It's super scary. I got into it at first, being smart. I did it at first to be fun, and it actually sucks.

Yeah, I tried it, and it just wasn't for me. What, BBC? Being smart. And I was doing it. It was obviously after transition, but it was before now. And I remember thinking. Transition, kindergarten, flushing crayons, touching girls. What was the thing?

Do you want to say what the thing specifically was for you in your case? In terms of transition, why I had to go? I definitely tasted my own duty. I was seeing what it was like. I was not aware of letters

and shapes. I was not... That's right born silent yes thank you are we sure this isn't a good idea

and this was like you know they executed Galileo that's all you know this sounds like room like you born in room oh

like you tremble ah tremble tremble in your boots you born in room Sean Sean look at me You were born in room? Sean. Sean. Look at me. Were you born in room? Well, someone

who was born in room would have no idea how to answer that question. Oh my god, Hayes. Did you know that? We've done a bunch of sort of room. We did room. We did a whole room thing. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. We did a whole room thing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry sorry What was the last thing we did

Was the vampire novel There was no concern about a double on that On that front There was no R with parenthesis In the TV guide Indicating a rerun We should do a catfish thing Yeah, let's do catfish

I listen to your show every week I call Neve. You call Neve? I gotta be Neve. I gotta be Neve. Are you Neve in Hayes' Max? Oh, wow. Dear Neve.

Evan Hansen. Dear Neve Spamson. Dear Neve and Spamson. I don't think a Catfish musical is a bad idea. Oh, no. I don't either. I don't think it's a good idea. I don't think it's a bad idea. I just think it's an idea.

It will get the job done, maybe. Yeah, the job of getting the Tony. It's like a McDonald's hamburger. Gets the job done. Nobody's saying it's a friggin' five-star meal. It's not disgusting. No one's's saying it's a friggin' five-star meal. It's not disgusting. No one's saying that it's not disgusting.

Nobody's saying you should eat it. But I'm just saying it gets a job done. I think it's so cool that the alt-right is using Mack the Knife as an icon. That moon man, don't you? Mack the Knife, the moon man from... The McDonald's commercials. Oh, yes. So cool that the Aryan Nation is using that as a...

Shock Bites. Remember? Keep going. Nose. Pearly whites. Oh, my Keith nose. Mac the knife. Ha!

Do you guys know Kevin Spacey's hosting the Tonys? Ah. Ah. The Spaceman. Normally he's relegated to the VMAs. I can't believe they got the Spaceman. That's huge. That's like the Verizon Sprint thing.

What's that? That he switched? Mm-hmm. No, the frigging Spaceman is hosting the Tonys. That's wild, man. Oh, because is that what the trophy is? The Spaceman from the VMAs? It's based on him?

Yeah. Is it him? What character? Oh, which spacey character? David Gale. Kaiser Associate. Who? David Gale.

David Gale. I love David Gale. The Gales. They did it at the end of it. Who did? Him and Laura Lenny she's kind of scared she's slamming him through the bars he has cancer

you don't get cancer from fucking that's what the movie is about it is? she gets cancer from fucking? no she doesn't she's the first fuck cancer victim the fear of what? they're doing it through the jail bars. They are?

Yeah. So what does she mean? He puts it in between. Does she stand like... She's on a sideways rolling table. Yeah. She's on a gurney, essentially. And she's built for it.

She was kind of cast for this certain physical attributes that allow her to do this. She's on a gurney, and she's sliding up against the bars, and then he's letting her have it. There's also plays. The Little Foxes, because Laura Linney made me think of it. Laura Linney and Cynthia Nixon switch roles. What's The Little Foxes?

I don't know. There's The Dollhouse Part 2. Okay. With Dushku. Dushku's back, and this time she knows who she is. Well, that could be cool. Those are all the plays I know right now. Oslo, there's something called Oslo. Ah, yes could be cool. Those are all the plays I know right now. Oslo. There's something called Oslo.

Ah, yes. Lily Hammer. Lil Stevie. Do we... Okay, so what we have... We have Catfish the Musical. Take one of the... Evans, Sampson.

Maybe the fourth lead from The Sopranos and make them a lead. Wait, which one? I mean, take your pick, but we saw what happened with Lily Hammer. Michael Imperioli, maybe a little too much range. It launched Netflix. Ada Turturro? Now, that could be interesting,

because with Michael Imperioli, a little unpredictable, a little too much range. With Steve, I know what I'm getting. It's this face, and people at home can't see this, but I'll make the noise. Ugh. It's this face. And people at home can't see this, but I'll make the noise.

Ugh. Go ahead and make him the main guy. Can we do that? Can we get Pauly Walnuts to be the main guy? Here's what we have. We have a lot of Dear Evan Hansen stuff. Right. We have Cody, who is sort of something of a human broken arm.

And he's ready to jump in. I can sort of feel him being like... That's also a show about suicide, just so you guys know. It's about teen suicide and things that affect teens. There's an element of social media about that. Those are all very rich areas. 13 Reasons Why.

Yeah. 13 Reasons Why. 13 Reasons Why. This is going to win the Tony. They're all suicide. He's riding his bike so fast in the 13 reasons why. Is that how he killed himself? Well, no, no, no, no.

She killed herself. And she gave him a bunch of cassette tapes. Okay. And she went like, I want it to be hard for you to listen to these. It's like. It's retro. Okay. It's cool.

Yeah. So then he like uses a boombox, but then maybe breaks it, and then he's riding his bike so fast. Where did he ride his bike to? Because it's apparently a ticking clock on him getting his friend's boombox, and he has to steal it. He can't get pregnant or something? I don't know.

I don't know. Sounds good. It's funny. What are you going to do, Cody? We could do something about Cody in high school. Okay. Girlboss? Yeah, we could do Girlboss.

Dollar dollar bills, y'all. That's a good opening number. That's fun. What if dollar dollar bills, y'all, was the opening number? Of? Okay. Of this musical. Girlboss the musical. Girlboss the musical. Okay,, was the opening number of this musical. Girl Boston Musical.

Girl Boston Musical. Okay, we could do Girl Boston Musical. That could be good with teen suicide. So it's teen suicide. It's Richard Branson. I know you wanted to have him involved somehow. That was important to me. We're spamming it.

Even if it isn't just a rhyme, you like his life. That is sort of a foundational idea for me being involved in this project. You like him because you're a blonde boy. It's conditional. Yes, I'm hoping that I can age as well as Richard Branson. He's the best case scenario of a blonde boy.

What a blonde boy becomes. Ha ha! That's what he's always kind of saying when I see a picture of him. His smile sort of says to me, ha ha! that's what he's always kind of saying when I see a picture of him you know like his smile sort of says to me like ha ha yes

could that be one of the voices in the funny Monty Python cartoon yes we do need one of those where the screen falls down in the middle of the musical and we do instead of an intermission

a very long so we've got the full Monty Python oh we got we're spamming it. We got Branson. We are spamming it.

We got Engineer Cody. It's girl boss, dollar dollar bills, y'all. Suicide. Suicide's in there. We have to. We have to. Social media? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I feel like we have to. I don't feel like it's a choice. And then I also feel like we should deal with this election. Well, and I wouldn't mind accidentally becoming an activist like somebody I know. Who's that? Aziz. He messed around, just really was trying to do something else, and accidentally became an activist just through telling his story.

So perhaps we want to do that too. We could stumble into that as well. I wouldn't mind falling into that. Oh. Okay, now Kevin is saying. As long as you don't plan it. Kevin sort of feels this heating up in me and is like, now I can attach myself to this as well. Oh. Okay, now Kevin is saying... As long as you don't plan it. Kevin sort of feels this heating up in me and is like,

now I can attach myself to this as well. Yep. So have a seat. Okay, Kevin, so what do you want to be in the musical? You want a Tony, right? What are you going to be? He kind of looks like a teenage suicide case.

Are you leaving? No, I'm just putting my jacket on in case you take my picture so I don't have to look at my arms on the internet. Okay. I'd be a lion tamer. Well, and

I think this guy just stuck the landing because that is an element that was missing is why doesn't it feel like going to the circus anymore when you go to these? Yeah, I think that was so horrible that the circus Step right up up ladies and gentlemen like a narrator like that and it's nice to see

even if it's just a reenactment of people abusing animals because they don't do that as much anymore he could be taming the lions from Lion King which is actually musical the girl boss is a friggin ringmaster oh wow she likes jewelry

and she's like can i have that ring for like six dollars and the guy's like okay and then she buys it and she's like fuck you it's worth six million yeah and the guy's like i'm yeah look i'm just a guy who runs a vintage shop in a big city i don't know what anything's i'm just a girl standing in front, and she does that quote from Notting Hill, you know? And then it's like smash cut into the musical version of what credits are, which is an overture.

I can't believe how stupid all these vintage shop owners are. No jack shit about what anything's worth. It's important to humiliate them, I think. Because you could just get a good deal and then tell your friends later. And just be like, oh my God, when you get compliments. Because women love doing this. You've got to rub their nose in it. You've got to be like, oh my God, where'd you get that jacket?

And it's a designer, you know, it's Versace. And you're like, oh my God, get this. I got a good deal on it and every girl loves that story. But that's no fun. You have to tell it to the person so they feel like, you know, whatever. I don't want to say impotent, but you know what I mean, like impotent. Yeah, like they can't shoot. Yeah, can't blast off.

So, okay, Girlboss is a ringmaster. Kevin is the lion tamer. Kevin's the lion tamer. Girlboss is the ringmaster. Cody is a trapeze artist who is so bad at doing the trapeze that people thought he was trying to commit suicide. Oh, that's interesting. They thought he kept trying to jump off of a...

He was really just trying to do a good job of the trapeze, but everyone assumed that he was trying to commit suicide. He was trying to hang himself. He couldn't make a noose. Hayes is Richard Branson. I'm Richard Branson, the owner of the circus. I'm Michael Palin. And Julie... You want to be Julie Taymor? Hayes is Richard Branson I'm Richard Branson the owner of the circus I'm Michael Palin and Julie

you want to be Julie Taymor yes absolutely more than anything the original girl boss yeah well now we got

too many girl bosses maybe in the show yeah ruins the broth ruins the girl broth yeah too many girl boss spoils the

well okay so we do need an introduction like you mean an opening song opening song I think the narrator should come out Yeah, too many girl boss spoils, though. Well. Okay, so we do need an introduction. You mean an opening song? Opening song. I think the narrator should come out who's like. An old man?

Yeah, an old man. Who's transitioning? Looks like an old clown. The guy who's like, or who's the step right up guy? I guess that is kind of the ringmaster. The step right up guy? Yeah. Psy?

Depends. Yeah, it could be Psy. So Psy's in there. He. The step right up guy? Yeah. Psy? Depends. Yeah, it could be Psy. So Psy's in there. He's going, step right up. And then what does he say? I think he's like, ah, you look like someone who enjoys a good show. Why not take a peek behind this curtain? Should everyone be out in the audience, though? Oh, I thought that was understood.

Fucking with the audience. Yeah. Being like, hey, that's my seat. Like pressing your hard dick against a woman's, the back of her head. Kevin can do this. And so Kevin's going, hey, that's my seat. And then he sort of just starts humping their head. And this woman's just like, I just got tickets for this thing.

I just, like, I needed something to do to get out of my house. And all of a sudden, there's this, like, you know, hard day. Yeah, and he's going, tame this lion. Right, and she's feeling uncomfortable, but she's feeling something. Yeah, he goes, yeah, he goes,

well, yeah, she's like, you're the lion tamer. He's like, today's my day off. He goes, check it out. I got a lion in my pocket. I'm lying. Which Eminem used to say. Do you want to know what else Eminem said? Oh, you know what would be a good character, speaking of Eminem?

Stan. Oh, I'll be Stan. You be Stan. That's good. We need a Stan. That's good. Wouldn't that be fun? Because was Stan into suicide? I forget what Stan's deal was. I can play Stan. You be Stan. That's good. We need a Stan. That's good. Wouldn't that be fun? Okay. Because was Stan into suicide?

I forget. What's Stan's deal? I can play Stan. What's Stan's deal? Yeah. Stan was the, yeah, the original Dear Evan Hansen. He was like Stan the fan or something. Like he was like a fan or whatever.

Thank you. Thank you. He waited in the blistering cold for you for four hours and you just said no. Stan was like a couple of squirrels in Stan's noggin, you know? Yeah. If I recall. Well you know. Yeah. If I recall. Well, yeah. I liked it when Elton John and he, you know, crossed

their differences. You know, Elton John Elton John basically just saying like, yeah, this is okay. Being like, I like what this guy says. Yeah. Yeah, why can't I? And everyone going, me too. Mm-hmm. And Stan going, me three. And Stan going, me three.

And then Dido saying, me four. Can I be Dido? All right, you'll be Dido. Kevin, you'll be the lion tamer who's rubbing your johns in and gets them back in somebody's head saying, I got a lion in my pocket. I'm lying. I got a nine in my pocket. Baby, I'm just dying to cock it.

And then? I'll be girl boss. You'll be girl boss. Hashtag girl boss. I'll be a trapeze guy. Cody, you're the trapeze guy. Suicidal trapezer. But I also can shop at the store and buy the good deal. But you better humiliate the vintage shop owner.

But I got to humiliate. Can I do it to girl boss? It's not worth her. The thing is that she's the boss. You can try. You can try. That's actually interesting. I would love to see the trapeze guy

try to one-up the girl boss and then he freaking loses money. He loses money because? She makes so much. She runs a vintage store? She, no. No. Why are you laughing at me like so?

Because, think about it. It's actually kind of sweet the way he laughed at me, like almost affectionate. I know. Daddy? He can actually be very sweet. It's kind of sweet. Now he's going ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, he's trying not to be sweet, but he actually could be very sweet. Yeah. Should we do some songs? Thank you, Cody. Kevin, say your line. Step right up. It's the lion tamer.

Please don't call my mama i'm not gonna be home i left my phone on the toilet and if your name's dan you're screwed it's just a wonderful day in Circus Town. Circus Town. Mr. Hamburger's at your service if you please. Please don't call that something's on. And I like to keep it on. Sometimes I waste electricity, but I like to keep it on. Sometimes I waste electricity, but I like to keep it on. That's a good

mystery what the thing is. That she's keeping on. It's a hot plate. Okay, she likes to keep it on. And Stan will probably drop a verse in there somewhere. So... Mr. Spam Burgers.

We've introduced... We could have spammed Mr. Hamburger. Spammed Mr. Hamburger. It's a long way back to go. I know this is going to sound a little reactionary, but I almost feel like that's a little disrespectful.

To Mr. Hamburger. Kind of, yeah. Yeah. Like, when you think of what he did for our country... But is that sort of what the spam movement is all about? is showing that there are no sacred cows? But I feel like there is one sacred cow, and it's a hamburger cow.

And he made hamburgers out of it. Right, yeah. The thing about McDonald's is it's America at the end. That was what I got from that movie. That it is, at the end of the day, it is America? Yeah. And that was Terry Gilliam's cartoon cow. Say that again. Do it again. Yeah. Mm-hmm Terry Gilliam's cartoon cow. Say that again.

Do it again. Yeah. And he's headbutting the queen. And honestly, that does happen. That's happened before. Talk to me about her. Like she bends over. Like when her bloomers fall down, she bends over to pick them up.

And it looks like she's got these big red bloomers. Right. And the cow sees them and is like. And goes. She flies off. And when it sees them and is like, and goes, and she's like, she flies off. All right. And when it hits her butt,

it goes, away she goes. Are we doing ourselves a disservice by not casting those Terry Gilliam cartoon characters? Are we just taking them for granted that they're just going to be there? Or should we really put thought into casting them with like real actors? Like a mustache guy.

You're like mustache guy. A lumberjack. Who else are some of the... A foot. Oh, like a can-can. Some can-can girls. Yeah. The queen falls down.

They kick her away into the sky. That could be Haim. Yes, Haim could do the can-can stuff. Haim would be really good at that. Thanks, Sean. That's my impression of Sean. Yeah, Hive would be great for that. The one.

Which one? The bass player with the faces. Oh, yeah, she's cute. Is she your favorite? She makes all the faces. Crazy bass face. You like bass face, though. She's making a face like, I'm really slopping the base.

She was a groundling. Yeah. Oh yeah. You can tell because she commits to her face makes. Yeah. Sherry O'Terry

actually stole her character. She used to run around. Oh yeah. Before he started owning that vintage shop and got owned

by the girl boss. Yeah. He was funny when he stuck his fucking leg out like Angelina Jolie fucking made that cunt look like an idiot right

and I know what you're talking about but what doesn't matter okay yeah hashtag Oscars so white

is girlboss hashtag girlboss or is it just girlboss it is becoming hashtag girlboss it is becoming hashtag girl boss it's becoming hashtag yeah yeah it's starting

to get there um I think we need a song that maybe brings it down a little bit uh it's all

well and good to have fun that's why we go to the theater but when we are dealing with teenage suicide and a failed

trapeze artist and yeah go ahead the better Kalsal theme song wow and that's it that's it suicide and a failed trapeze artist. And yeah, go ahead. The Better Call Saul theme song. Wow. That's it. That's it.

Good job, Cody. It's me, David Gale. Hop on that gurney and get somebody to roll you now. Up against the bars. Please don't call a number on my business card today. I got a hot plate and it's on.

I'm making some soup. Hamburgers for sale. I'll take one over here. Gonna need my strength to have sex through this jail cell bar with this woman

on the gurney named Laura Leany. Extra hamburger sauce. Guys, I'm crying. I know. We brought it down too far. It might be too extreme. I feel like it's too soon in act one. And the trapeze artist hasn't shown up.

No. And the girl boss wasn't there. And the lion tamer literally left the room. So we were a little bit stuck in that way. The queen wasn't much of a part of it. If all I had to go off was that song, I wouldn't know if the queen has bloomers, what color they are, where she is, are the bloomers staying up.

Whether she farts, if they do come down. Right. Mm-hmm. So I'd say that song was an epic fail. That would have been something good to rhyme with David Gill, to lighten it up. And that would have brought us back into the social media space, which, as I mentioned, is mandatory. Rhyming's over, though, as I mentioned, is mandatory. Rhyming's over, though, right?

You think? I mean, we can all agree. That's such a cool idea. I mean, Hamilton did every rhyme there was under the sun. And we're out. And the moon. Oh, yeah, at night. Well, I guess if we're not going to rhyme, is there something like rhyming we could be doing?

Maybe alliteration to be the new sort of standard for writing songs. Or just words that are fun to... We've been doing the ends of the words are the same, but what if the beginnings were the same? Oh, okay. That could be pretty sick. Yeah, that could be really smart. Like, maybe Monday. There could be a song called Maybe Monday.

Maybe Monday is a great start. Thanks. Okay, well, let's do maybe Monday, Cody. Let's do maybe Monday. Wait, before you start it, Cody, what is this song about? We are going to have to figure that out as it is happening. We're going to have to do it in the song, which people love that. I didn't know I was a citizen of Spontanea Nation.

I thought my passport had been revoked. Maybe Monday my mommy will make me marshmallows. Master Monkey makes meat. Mr. Madbergers.

Merle Moss. Guys, I'm going to let you know right now, I miss the rhyming. I miss the rhymes. I'm sorry. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Are you sure? Yeah, I am. Because it's just not as fun to listen to to my ear. It just doesn't tickle my ear.

Okay, okay. It was a song, I am, because it's just not as fun to listen to to my ear. It just doesn't tickle my ear. Okay, okay. It was a song, I think. This in some ways was more limiting, but in some ways was a huge amount of freedom. Also, you definitely got a story out. There's no question that there was more story when you did that. Such as maybe Monday, Mother Makes Marshmallows. That's huge. That's like, wow, there's so much story there.

And Mr. Monkey Makes Meat. It sort of is setting up Mr. Monkey as kind of a Mr. Hamburger's type. Right, and then Mr. Manburger's. Listen, I know you guys did a lot with story. You guys are more structure guys. And the Merle Moss had just showed up. The what? The Merle Moss.

I'm not quite sure what that is. Hashtag Merle Moss had just showed up. The what? The Merle Moss. I'm not quite sure what that is. Hashtag Merle Moss. Oh, I see. Hashtag. Hashtag Merle Moss. Well, if you don't want to do the song that way, we won't do it that way.

But your pitch was maybe Monday. You're the one who came up with it. So if you've got something to do, do you have an idea other than rhymes? Don't just shoot down things things, in other words. Like offer up other ideas instead of being like, no, that sucks, right? Yeah, because that. And it doesn't.

Oh, yeah. No. I don't think it sucks. So not only, yes, don't do that, but also it doesn't suck. It was, yeah, it was fun. Right. It was fun for you guys. You seem to be having a great time doing it.

Mr. Monkey Makes Meat makes no sense as far as what we've been talking about so far, though. There was no monkeys that we talked about, right? Okay. And some of those Terry Gilliam things. And some of those Terry Gilliam things. He's coming to have. Are you sure? Yes.

Okay. And he's like. I don't think I know those. He's the queen's yellow bloomers. They're a banana. It's a circus. Okay. And he's like, what? And he's like, he's the queen. I don't think I know those. He's the queen's yellow bloomers. They're a banana. It's a circus. Oh. And there was a freaking circus.

Oh, there is a circus. Yeah. You're right. I stand corrected. And Mr. Hamburgers has been an organ grinder the entire time. I thought he was a meat grinder. Hamburger meat. There was Monkeys and Wicked, too.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. Fine. Fine. Mr. Monkeys makes meat.es and Wicked too Well that's true Fine Mr. Monkees makes me Cody and Wicked again Honestly I'm glad we've been able to keep this off the show Really? In the three years that we've done it

Through some heavy, heavy editing There's a couple photos where he's all green though And you know that he came In Elphaba makeup there's a couple photos where he's all green though and you know that he came in alphabet makeup do we just want to do do we want to jam in a song from another musical do we think anyone would be able to

Cody I knocked a machine off the desk is the show still happening you may have broke it but are you doing a joke or are we still doing the show? Oh, no, that's okay. Okay, good. Yeah, that's not important. Okay, yeah, let's jam.

All right. Yeah, let's grab a song from a totally other musical. Is it Grease? This is from Cats. Oh, this is from Cats. Oh, yeah. Okay, so stop it

and we'll use that song, but what should the song be? I said stop. And maybe some of the Pokemon should be in this song. Oh, that's a great idea. Snorlax? Snorlax might want to be, you know. What if it's like relax?

Pokemon the musical. If he says relax, Snorlax might want to be Pokemon the musical. What if it's like relax if he says relax? Snorlax says relax. And Pikachu says peekaboo. Yeah. Snorlax. Pikachu. Cody, what is this sermon? Then Hillary can be like Pokemon go to the polls.

Yes, that's right. That could be really good. Yeah. Uh-huh. And maybe some of those Ninjago Legos that are starting to get big. I'm not familiar with those. Oh, yeah. Are they emojis?

No, no, no. I wish. No, they're Legos. Lupita and Yongo? Legos? What? I thought that's what you said. Come on. Come on and what? What? I thought that's what you said Come on Come on and what? Julie

What? Finish You know that's not That's not what? You know that's not what I said Well that's what I heard Okay You better hope people buy that

What is that supposed to mean? What is that What did I do? We were doing a nice Pokemon musical. Come on. We were trying to do a nice Pokemon musical with some Ninjago Legos. I'm saying to both of you. I'm not saying I just don't want all this fighting.

We're trying to do a nice Pokemon musical. Okay, well, let's not fight. No, I'm not interested in fighting. I don't want to fight either. I want to have fun with my friends. Yeah, me too. I'm here to have fun with my friends. That's really my main thing.

That's why I still do the show after all these years. It's not because of the money it makes you? Oh, wow. Well, that's a tough choice. Do I have to give up the money if I say it is because of my friends? What about a girl, like a girl Pokemon trainer? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Wait, a girl Pokemon trainer? Yes. Oh. wow. Wait, a girl Pokemon trainer? Yes. Oh. A girl gym boss. Oh, like a personal trainer? Yeah. She's helping Snorlax's fattest Pokemon. She's like, give me five more.

She's like, you got this. Right? Yeah. That's right. And the Snorlax is not saying anything back. Why? Well. He sleeps?

Yeah. What does he do? He says Snorlax. Yeah. He says his name. So this could be a good song. Say my name. So the girl.

And just when I had given up all hope we were in a huge fight and you guys couldn't see me but we were steaming mad we were mad we wouldn't look at each other now all we can do is look at each other and now we are right back

back in the saddle and it feels great feels great to be back with my friends making all this money with the podcast. And this is why I still do the show after all these years. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure why I still do the show. Oh, really?

No, I'm just kidding. I do it because I love it. I do it because it's what I do. This is what you do. Yeah, it is. That's just what we do. Thanks. You know, that's just fish swim and birds fly.

And we tell stories. And we. You know, thank you for bringing it back to storytelling. It's an ancient, it's like. That's all people, that's what we do. It was the first job. That's what I write on my tax return. I say I tell stories.

I hate when people try to limit me and say that I'm some huge producer or, yeah. Well, a lot of the studios out here Really? Yeah,

want to be able to put a different label on like their outgoing tax thing. Expectations of you. Yeah. And they want to be like, oh,

you're like this huge producer, actor, star, you know, writer, whatever. It's, we're cavemen, it's cave, writer, whatever. It's cavemen painting on walls.

They told stories of the hunt on the wall. We write musicals about Pokemon. Yeah, which you're hunting for them. Which is a hunt as well. You're hunting for them. I am thinking of this one story that's so good, and I'm not going to tell it now oh is it the woman with the ribbon as a necklace

and she takes it off one day and her what happens I can't say it's a spoiler alert sort of thing but if you were on that plane if you had been on that plane

oh my god you're going to die you're going to die did this happen to one of you yeah it happened to a lot of us it was a flight attendant oh really

yeah and she was helping me with my bags stewardess stewardess yeah stewardess oh yeah at the time she was a me with my bags. Stewardess. Stewardess. Yeah, stewardess. Oh, yeah. At the time, she was a stewardess.

Yeah. Now she's nothing. You know, she's dead. That's Michael McDonald's character from Mad TV. Yes, stewardess. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to be there. He had a lot of blood.

He wore a lot of rouge, so you knew he was young. Speaking of rouge. Mulan. Should we do one more because we can't game cam should we do one more song yeah is it the finale I think we're gonna have to wrap up the musical

so let's just like beat can we just beat this out I know that we usually like to fly by the seat of our pants okay so you wanna actually talk about it beforehand you think that'll be satisfying let's break the story that we're telling, maybe. So let's see. We have a lot of balls in the air.

You know, there's dead hooker jokes are so funny, but I don't think we should put one in here. It'll just be too much, you know? Yes, too much. I love jokes about, you know, sex workers being killed. They're so funny. Give me an example. Just like how many dead hookers does it take to like

something something and you're just like seven and you laugh because they're not humans or they were not humans. Oh, right, right, right. You know, it's just funny. It's Algonquin round two.

Hayes has one of those. Hayes has a good one of those. Yes. Yeah. What? How many dead hookers can you fit in a light bulb? How many?

Mm-hmm. I am thinking about it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. But I was going to say... I'm sure Cody's got a pretty good one, too. What's that?

How does that one go? Yeah. How did the dead hooker cross the street? How? How? I hated that I had a bad time listening to it and I like animals

me too Kevin actually told me one earlier today which was what's the difference between a pile of dead hookers and a pile of sand what's that? and this is what he said I don't eat sand Pile of dead hookers and a pile of sand. What's that? And this is what he said.

He said, I don't eat sand. That's what Kevin said. Yeah, Kevin did say that. I didn't get it. That's a spicy meatball. That was one of the ones he liked. So we were wrapping it up. Kevin had also asked me what the difference between a dead hooker and a Cadillac was. What's that? There's no Cadillac was. What's that?

There's no Cadillac in his garage. Uh-huh. Oh, that is so funny. Yeah. Kevin was telling me that. The ecstasy of the funniness. I am like, oh, I'm like, boo. Yeah.

You know when you taste some blue apron chocolate mousse or something? You're just like, boo. When you first brought it up I thought I've never heard any of these jokes you know I asked you for an example

they're very obscure they're very obscure it's like a very like it's a like it's rare air as far as an area but then I realized I had heard four of them today

two from Kevin one from Cody each one of them is more disrespectful of a woman's life I remember when Kevin told me too actually oh my god how did the dead hooker cross the street I don't like if this is the same Each one of them is more disrespectful of a woman's life. I remember one Kevin told me, too, actually. Oh, my God.

How did the dead hooker cross the street? I don't like, if this is the same cat noise, I don't want to hear it. Cody, if this is the sound. Cody, I don't. That was mine. This one's Kevin's. How did the dead hooker cross the street? How?

Dump truck. Oh, God. Well, and that's terrible. Oh, that's so funny. Because Bosh's mother was actually a prostitute. She was a sex worker. Oh, that's so funny. Because Bosch's mother was actually a prostitute. She was a sex worker. Oh, that's so funny. And that's part of what drives Bosch.

Women who are strippers, prostitutes, those are the good stories to tell, I think. And the funny ones. If you're interested in doing comedy. You know, she was so disposable to the department, they never bothered to solve the murder. Now he's a homicide detective, and he's trying to hunt down and put the pieces together 20 years later. That's so cool. In addition to saving the city by solving all these other murders, which are usually part of a pretty big conspiracy. People are trying to kill everyone in the city.

Yeah, every murder tells the story of a city. Gotham? Well, in this case, no. But it would be true in Gotham. It would be true in just about any city. Who played Bosh? Who? Chris Titus.

The only titan of broadcasting. Remember the Titus. So we've got to do this last song. So what did you want it to be about? It's as Richard Branson shoots up a theater. That's it. Oh, wow. How's that?

It's just like a big, you know, like, and we lock the doors of the real theater so people freak out. Okay, that's right. Okay. Okay, could it not be that, though? Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. Yeah. I think it should be Stan.

Uh-huh, yep, good., of course. Yeah. I think it should be Stan. Uh-huh. Yep. Good. Richard Stanson. Uh-huh. Stan realizes he's Richard Branson's son. Oh.

Yes. At the same time that the lion tamer, I guess, stops humping, which could be part of the song, at the same time that the girl boss maybe starts humping somebody's head. Well, yes, and girl boss return a dead parrot to the vintage man. Oh, that's good. She's putting one over on the vintage man. She say, this parrot. Yeah. Is deceased. Yes.

He says, mm-hmm. And she goes, no, he isn't, asshole. And she run away. She embarrass him. She could embarrass him. So the girl boss embarrass the pet shop owner. And she's branching out a little bit. And we're seeing what maybe the next chapter of her Boston will lead to.

And Hayes, do you have anything else you wanted to see in this last song to kind of pay off all this stuff? We have not introduced the trapeze guy, but I think that is okay. Like, given recent events, I think maybe we can just assume he was kicked out of the circus. Just reading his name in the program.

He's not allowed to do the circus anymore. Got it, got it. And the Neve of it all? Yes. Where the Neve of it all? Yes. Where's Neve? Well, isn't it sort of a kind of catfishing, discovering that you're, if Neve is like introducing a son to his father again, it's like a different kind of catfishing, but instead of like, I want to be your girlfriend or whatever, it's like, I want to be your dad. Yes.

And isn't that the ultimate catfishing is looking for your biological father? Yes. I'm your dad. And so Neve is like bringing the son here to like, is it really my dad?

It's like, imagine it's like Richard Branson. Oh my God. Right. What's your name? Who's your daddy? Yes,

exactly. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. Okay. So we need music, Cody.

I'm Richard Branson. I'm here to shoot this motherfucking theater. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Okay. Thank you, Cody. I think it's a good show. Yeah. And I think we're going to win a Tony.

Tony's, yeah. Tony's. And I feel really good. I think we might even win a Coney. A Joseph Coney Award. A Joseph Coney 2012. It's been an honor doing the podcast thank you guys thank you for listening it is a our pleasure to do the show for you the audience you are why we do tell stories not to have an abrupt ending for once just say for our friends to say go to appreciate

we appreciate you we appreciate everything that you guys do, tell us what you want to hear because we make this show for you this is just what we do thank you Julie thank you Cody, thank you Kevin

thank you Sean thank you Cody thank you Kevin thank you Sean thank you Julie thank you Cody thank you David thank you Earwolf thank you Rick thank you Earwolf thank you Colin

give us the space to do this thank you Jeff thank you Colin and Jeff thank you Adam Sachs thank you Mike and Dave alright and all the wedding dates so

uh uh uh uh bye Earwolf Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.