Hollywood Handbook - Just Sean and Hayes

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

The boys are back with a guestless episode where they play a game of "Stank or Dank", followed by a round of a special board game. Come see us at the Now Hear This podcast festival: nowhearthisfest.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So it's me, Blank Man, Meteor Man and Handy Man, and we're building sandcastle versions of our favorite museums. Just, you know, we've all agreed kind of we're not going to use our powers. It's sort of our day off. Is Handyman Hancock? Handyman? Yeah.

No. Oh, I just don't know. He's, okay. He's a retarded guy. I'm in living color. He's okay. He's a retarded guy. On In Living Color, it was a recurring sketch. I believe maybe played by the same guy who played Blank Man. Okay. And you should explain that you can say that because.

Oh, yeah. I'm allowed to say that because I love those guys. So we're, you know, that's what they're that's what the sketch is about yeah so uh also i can say that because i'm a musician now we um are building these sandcastles and i of course uh live in los Angeles, so I'm building the mocha. Chino frappalatte. Since when is grande mean medium, huh? Anyway.

And blank man is building the Louvre. And I turn and I notice that, you know, it has that beautiful glass structure. I.M. Pei designed it, maybe. And he is turning some of the sand into glass using heat or something. And it seemed like that's probably a power. So I turn to Meteor Man, Robert Townsend, and I say, what do you think about this guy cheating?

And he goes, I don't like it one bit. Is this a competition? I'm sorry. I got like, because it seems like, okay. It wasn't introduced that way. I'm sorry. Cady Heigl it seems like, okay. It wasn't introduced that way. I'm sorry. Cattie Heigl is going to judge us at the end. So she's sort of waiting, and I want her to know, like,

you can pick his, but he broke the rule. And she's in the soundproof Ben Stein's money booth because she can't know. Yeah. She's in the money booth with Jimmy Kimmel. And he's covering her eyes. So anyway, so I'm obviously, I'm mad. And I'm like, if nobody's going to tell her when she comes out,

then it's not going to be a fair contest. And so I just sort of lean a little bit. Just lean, you know, nothing big, but lean a little bit on the earth and make it so the earth is tilted a little bit and maybe a big wave is a little bigger than normal and smashes Saircastle Museum. Is that bad?

Seth is ready to move on from Knocked Out. Oh, gosh. He's ready to move on. He's ready to move forward. And he didn't even know she was upset. Yeah, I think that didn't... Everything seemed fine on the set. Everything seemed fine.

Trickle back to him. When he was on the set, everything was fine. And he's ready to move on he I remember was not pissed and Judd I think was not pissed and on the set

she wasn't pissed everything seemed fine she wasn't pissed and you find out later maybe she was pissed he's ready to move on well and that all got so blown out of proportion by people that all she said was

every woman in his movies is a whining shrew that's it yeah and that it's misogynist that's all she said she didn't say I don't think the movie's funny she didn't say I don't think the movie's funny

she didn't say I don't think taking bong hits is funny yeah and then later like the thing people add to it is like

oh and I'm pissed too but she never said that she never said she was pissed she said the character's underwritten all the women are are whining shrews they're all bitches

his perception of women is essentially that they're all bitches. His perception of women is essentially that they're all bitches who are problematic for you and he sort of must hate them. And so that's what's being presented on screen

in the movies. But she didn't say she's pissed. No, and then in the magazine article they say, plus, I'm pissed. Oh yeah. And they just throw that on there.

Just a little word bubble. I'm pissed. And that's not really fair to say because she didn't say she was pissed. And I think she said, I like it. And that's not really fair to say because she didn't say she was pissed. And I think she said, I like it. Hey. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

It's our guide to kicking butt and dropping names with the right cover line by colleagues in this industry we call Showbiz. No guests today. We've had too many guests. It's been the year of guests, I guess. Hayes and I are natural introverts. If you do our Briggs Myers. Our Myers.

Yeah. Our Myers. I call it the Oscars Myers. Yeah. Oscars Myers. Tim Briggins. And we are both INFP. And so we are introverts.

It's in my Twitter bio. Who need to recharge by being alone. And sometimes being around a guest can create a social burden which really drains us. And just because we seem outgoing, just because we do have a good conversation and we're sort of moving the conversation forward and asking you questions and really good at engaging you, doesn't mean that inside we're not like, oh, I'd actually maybe rather being at home. And with a book and a puzzle and some cocoa. And so that's sort of what doing this episode is going to be for us is just drinking cocoa, doing a puzzle.

And just because I have a good personality at parties and I'm kind of what makes the party fun. Does it mean that I'm not thinking about stuff on the inside? When I shot Cannonball and make just about the biggest splash you've ever seen and actually kick off the party. And wearing just my normal clothes. Uh-huh, and with my phone in my pocket because it's just money. You can't take it with you, folks.

When I'm doing all that, it doesn't mean that inside and under my skin, I'm not actually screaming. Would somebody just leave me alone and give me a mocha latte while you're in the air swashing in the pool you're thinking like when can I go home have I been here long enough to just like finally go home as I'm doing the guitar solo

you ask Steffi can we leave and she's like well you can leave whenever you want yeah right because it's her work friends so no guests can leave whenever you want. Yeah, right. Because it's her work friends. So, no guests. And we've also had two women in a row. And I thought it was great.

Oh, yeah. I loved it. I had such a good time. Sometimes our voice can get a little lost. When we have women in the studio. And it's just like, what is the show? After every one of those things, I'm just sort of like, what is the show? Yeah, it's great that there are different perspectives out there. And I like to get a taste of that in the show.

But I don't like it to take over. I'm always like, what? I just sort of have to remember what we're. Well, because what the fuck is the show? Yes, that's always my question. What is this? Like, what's going on here? And so I did have an amazing time doing that.

I just do not want to do it again for a year. I think it's some of the highest quality stuff we've ever done. I think it probably educated a lot of people, and it was a huge opportunity for both of those women, and I don't recall their names right now. But at the same time, what's a fucking show? And I'd like to take at least one year and figure that out without them around. So we just have, you know, no guests today.

Some stuff we really just need to take care of and catch up on. Do we say the name of the show? Hey, wait a second. Do we say the name of the show? Oh, God. Can we, Do you remember? Cody, can you play back what we've said so far? Because I can't.

To do it, it would be so boring to do it again. Yeah. Imagine people, if we did do it, imagine people listening being like, yeah, we know. And that would be so hurtful. Well, imagine I'm listening to it because I do listen to exclusively our show, and I hear us say it twice, and I drive my car off a bridge, kill myself. I can play you a different episode.

Another episode. Which one? Julie Klausner? No, thanks. Yeah, we'll just move on. One thing we urgently have. Sorry, which Julie Klausner. No, thanks. Yeah, we'll just move on. One thing we urgently have. Sorry, which Julie Klausner? The one with the trampoline.

Huh? He's jumped on a trampoline. It's in a picture. Oh. It's an old one. Vintage Klausner. Dude, Jake Johnson. That'd be too sad.

Yeah. I haven't spoken to him in quite some time. The mummy. Yeah. Okay. Never mind, Cody. Yes. We just have stuff that we really need to do.

So let's just do our – One thing we urgently have to do is listen to all the other Earwolf-themed songs and rank them and also suggest improvements. If the songs are not good, different ways the songs can be good. Because one nice thing about our song is it has all the information in it. And you know what you're getting into. And so we're going to do Hayes and Sean's patented stank ranks. This is the Earwolfented stank ranks. This is the year we'll sung stank ranks.

And we're ranking how stank your song is. And the scale goes from dank to stank as always. So hopefully there's something dank in here, but I got a feeling we're going to be stinking on some stank. And if you earn enough stank, it goes into the stank bank. You can spend it later at the stank bank. You can spend it later at the stanker store.

Now, I don't have my computer, the computer, I should say, because I know you like to use it sometimes. Today, I put it in the recycle bed because, Cody, I was reading the newspaper.

Traditionally, when I read the newspaper and see a news I don't like, a way for me to express it is to slam it in the recycle bin when it's the newspaper. But when the newspaper's on the computer, the computer goes in there too. I see. Not to the trash. Not to the trash. Not to the trash. Because recycling, they

use it again to make more trees. Quick question, and I am going to be funny right now. Was it the trash? No. That's part of the joke. So what we need is for somebody who does have a computer and their names are in your body. Who's a little whiz?

Who's a little computer whiz? Who's our little whizzy? Me. Yes. That's right. And this is a new approach that we're trying. Whizzy Kaplan over here, remember? Now, please do be helpful.

And the new technique we're doing is try it positive. Treating Cody like a sweetie. And maybe he will become a sweetie. I wonder if I know any cute little sweeties who are able to do a song, theme song from another show, and then we can put it through the stank rank and rank it from deck to stank. That's me. Yes. That's nice.

Very sweet boy already. This one's called Bebop. No, don't tell me. Don't tell us what it is. What's it called? I'm not going to tell you the show. It's just the name of the theme. Okay. So if you won't. Oh, it's just the name of the theme. Okay. So if you won't interrupt me,

it's called Bebop Cats. We made him too strong with the... Is this that Marc Maron cat show? No. That one really took off. Podcasts. Boomer is there. Podcasts. Is this that Marc Maron cat show? No. That one really took off. Podcats. Boomer is there.

Podcats. Okay. So is this for... Is that thing you do, is that a show? Thank you. I'm going to say David Gregory. Get on this. Is it Kate Couric?

No. Are we close? No. Couric was close because at least that's a show we have. Okay. So is David Gregory, Cody. I don't think so. Yeah, it is.

Look on the website, Cody. It's under shows. Look at it, Cody. That tab should always be open. is. Look on the website, Cody. It's under shows. Look at it, Cody. That tab should always be open. What is that? All right. Cody. God, I so wanted to treat you like a sweetie,

but you had to fuck it up so badly. Okay, stop this. Now, that's enough. Now, that stank. That's enough. Now, that stank. Now, with having heard that, here's what I think I would be listening to. Probably Billy Crystal swirling a glass of scotch, taking a big sip,

and telling a story about Robin and Whoopi. Yeah, that's right. It's from the specific kind of incredibly successful 90s comedian that likes that. Oh, Kevin Pollak. Kevin Pollak. That's really close. So close. Oh, by the way, in conversation with Jeff Garlin.

No, that's odd. How? How. How? How? Getting closer, though. What is that show? And it's a show people listen to or no? Okay, okay. Some did.

Oh. Some didn't. And so it's went away. And it's close. Who is it? Kevin Pollak. Leonard Maltin's movie podcast. Oh, okay.

Okay. That's not close. Kevin Pollak, not close. That was a bad clue. Leonard Maltin, no hat. Who is? Pollak. Yeah, so am I. Leonard Maltin does movies.

Yeah, so everyone else on the network has some affiliation with the entertainment industry. Yeah. Well, it felt close at the time. Okay, so that one stank. Yeah, that one did stank. How would we change that to make it really work? There are no movies in it. It should be like Leonard Maltin be like that he's actually lying on top of some movies.

Let me give you a baseline. Boom, doom, doom, doom. Leonard Maltin waking up on the mattress. Keep going. This mattress is a little lumpy. What's this under here? Oh, Blackhawk down? So he's on the movies.

That would have been a good theme song. And then Baron Von's there like, breakfast time! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Baron shows up. He is still on the show, correct, incorrect? The show is like gone and he's not with it at all. Yeah. Yeah, that's too bad.

He went to Nerdist. Oh, fuck. Can we do that? Can you just do that at any time? You just go to Nerdist? Okay, next. All right. This one's called...

I can't tell you what it's called because it's got the name of the show and the title. Jeff... How's it, Jeff Garland? Wow. Fake the Nation? It sounds like Curb, you know? Yeah.

Hard Nation? It sounds like Curb, you know? Yeah. Hard Nation? No. Longest Shortest Time? No. Hello from the Magic Tavern? No. God, how many of these are there now? Is this David Gregory?

No. But you admit that is a show now. Nerd Poker? No. I still don't think it's a show. Shortwave with Grant Lee Phillips. Wow, no. Ugh.

Made me so excited. Glitter in the garbage? No. To rely on your reactions for information is a fool's errand. Okay. It can only lead me farther from the truth. Cry babies? Good guess. No. It can only lead me farther from the truth. Cry Babies? Good guess.

No. It's a really good guess. No, it's not. Yes, it is, Cody. It's not a crier song. Get Up On This? No, that would not be Get Up On This. Okay, I give up.

It's the Wolf Den, the old version. The old Wolf Den. See, I would... So, give me the new version. Yeah. And that one I... Yeah, that one I'll know. I can jam to.

That one I can sing along to. Here it is. That sounds the same. I can't find it. Okay, well, Hayes, let's us give him the new version. Give me a bass line, please. Yeah! And it's as if Adam Sachs is waking up.

Ah! What am I going to have with my eggs? Oh, a conversation with Jesse Thorne. So, okay. So, see, now you're in the wolf den, baby. And he was in hibernation. Yeah. Think about that.

All the baby wolves suckling on his big teats. Yeah. He's got a lot of kids. Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah, he said that part. Now, we should probably do at least one more song. Oh, no. Here comes Kevin with the camera.

Guys, Kevin just came in with the camera. He's struggling with the camera. She just left. He's struggling with the door. Oh, hey, Kevin. Hey, guys. How's it going? Yeah. Oh, good, good. Stay off mic, please.

Should we get this over with? Kevin, who's making you do this? Scripts. They said go in. Interrupt the show. 12 minutes into every show do you wait outside until it feels like we got something of a flow are you standing out there the whole time

I wait until I hear laughter and then I jump in this would be a good moment that's good well I'm not even here. Okay, Cody, give me another song. Here we go, baby.

I know this one. This is Jeff. Who is Jeff? Jeff Garlin. No. You worm. I know this. The Cannon. Nope. The cannon.

Nope. Spont. Nope. What? The Jake Fogelmast files. Oh, it's like detective. Right. Okay, this one's dank.

It's like detective music. Detective. Yeah, that's dank. That's dank. That's dank. Oh, yeah. He's digging into the files to get out so you could watch an old YouTube clip he remembers.

Can't wait for it to come back. He did promise it would come back once he came up for air. Yeah, well. Work on a TV show. It's not easy to write for a show. Yeah, write a show, do a podcast. It's impossible. Nobody ever done it.

You can't do both. You have to either pick one or. Yeah, write a show, do a podcast. It's impossible. Nobody ever done it. You can't do both. You have to either pick one or the other, you know? Yeah. Thought he worked at Sirius. Yeah, he was in the raw dog comedy family for a little while. Well, he was one of the outlaws. Yeah. It was him, George Jones, Waylon Jennings.

Merle. Merle Haggard. Hank, obviously. Azaria. And Tammy Wynette. So he was one of the outlaws, and then he moved over to Raw.Comedy, and then he was either Opie or Anthony I can't remember which one

and he's carved out a nice little space for himself now yeah and he does all the music as well does all the music

yeah that's dank that's dank so obviously he's gonna have good music since he's music man and uh friggin I look forward to hearing the soundtrack on Hashtag Girlboss.

So, yeah, no, Cody, you go. No, sorry, by all means, Cody. Did Hayes interrupt you, Cody? No, Cody, go ahead. Please forgive me. We talked at the same time. Really wanted to treat him like a sweetie. I wanted to do one more.

Great. Oh, well do one more. Great. That's all I wanted to say. Oh, well, then by all means. Honestly, Cody, it's your show, so wait. No, wait. You've made that very clear. You said you wanted to do one more. Please, whatever you want to do, go ahead.

That's really cool. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. that's really cool that's great yeah yeah big move so funny huh yeah hilarious fucking with me on my fucking show what is this show remind me of something that I put my life into for 39 weeks of my life. Well, it'll be easy to keep doing the show now. Cody, you do one. You do one. Yeah, you do one. If it's so funny.

And P.S., that was dank. We do have to stank rank it, and it was dank. And it was in a Splitsider awards list for one of the best theme songs. Pick a cracker book. And a lot of people online said it is actually really catchy. So please, you do one, Cody. I have one. What is it?

It's called the Tom Yum Bum. That's so bad. I go around the city, and I eat Tom Yum bum. That's so bad. I go around the city and I eat Tom Yum soup. Please, it's going to be a little racist when you start. It's going to be.

You don't know when you're doing something that's not okay and I don't want you out on that limb. It's worse. Because it's on my show then I'm part of it.

And also, and it's our fault for empowering him. For pretending he was a sweetie before and now. then I'm part of it. And it's our fault for... Empowering. For pretending he was a sweetie before, and now it's like we like it. And we created a Frankenstein monster. It's as if we like this.

His specifics. Well, it's like the scene in Frankenstein when he says, what have I done? This is what I wanted. I created this monster, and now the monster is beating everybody up. And pretending it has a Tom Yum Bum podcast. It's so fucking bad.

And he looks in the mirror, and he goes, I can't believe I own this whole city. Yeah, well, what is the show? I can't believe I own this whole city. You know? Yeah. Well, what is the show? It's these women. They've gotten us all out of sorts. Very twisted up. They've twisted us up.

More pictures, Kevin! At what point do we have enough pictures? This is what he does. I know it's part of the craft for him is to take so many pictures until he finally gets a big, angry reaction from me. The one that's a scandal or whatever, and then we have to pay him to get the picture away.

And you've been stretched a little thin as well, I feel. And there's no reason to lean right at the bike, which Cody has not turned out for you. And just flashing so much cash. You see the little polo player on Kevin's shirt? Yes, oh, believe me, I noticed it. Get a picture of that, please, Kevin, because that's for rich people. And so, you know.

I'm going to pass. You're going to pass? Well, we'll see. I'll get a picture of it, and I'll email it to the fans. Now, what is it about these theme songs, and why do we sit to analyze them like this? You probably ask yourself when you're listening on a podcast. And tell the audience what the intention is here.

It's, with these other show themes? Yes. It's mood. It's setting the right mood. Mm-hmm. A nice little piano tinkle

for, I believe, every single one. Mm-hmm. Or a rich bass line that's just, like,

getting you in the mood. Because when you start hearing it, you're not necessarily ready to hear funny comedy or interesting videos. And with many of these shows, you're never going to be ready for that. Now, our show is a little different. And we put lyrics that we wrote because we wanted to put one fucking second of thought into what you're hearing when you put the fucking show on. And it's not just like an Apple loop. Yeah, and we got our friend to do it instead of going on, instead of Googling the most normal music.

www.normalmusic.com backslash free. But please, go right ahead with your podcast that everyone loves more. Yeah, everybody will like that one. I'm obsessed. Well, we'll be right back without a guest, just because we're kind of still finding our feet here. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Okay.

So, watching freaky animal videos, see a lobster who lived a thousand years old I say hmm I could go for some of that this guy never met me I guess because then he wouldn't live to be a thousand years old

because you know I love lobsters so much you mean eat them in the pot yeah so I say oh that puts me in the pot. Yeah, so I say, that puts me in the mood. I go to the ocean. Set out on my little dinghy.

Pull up the traps. Not to eat this lobster necessarily. Eat his wife or something. Or his best friend. Sure. Pull up the trap. Guess what? Oh, no.

It was on your foot? It's on my foot. And it's turned you upside down in the water? And the lobster has a little lobster fork and knife and starts rubbing together like you're for dinner? And I was in a Farsight cartoon. Oh, Hayes. What a funny cartoon to be a part of.

Well, I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I got tricked into being in a Farsight cartoon yet again. I was a little kid, the fat little kid with the glasses this time. Can I say congratulations? Because I've always just been a non sequitur. That's the only one panel comic I can get into. By Wiley. Yeah, that's the only one panel comic that'll have me.

So just being in Farside, that's cream of the crop. You're the little fat kid with the glass and the freckles and the striped shirt. And the lobster is going to eat me this time. Yes, wearing a bib. Yes, has my face on it. That's a little kid. Yeah.

And then he's probably saying something. Yes, he's got the butter. Yes, he's got the crackers. I was going to say he's probably saying, like, pardon me, garçon. You know, you got any butter? You know, but he has the butter. so you'd have to say something else. Yeah. So constantly getting tricked into being in these.

Isn't this one a little small? Yeah. In these good cartoons. But being in a good cartoon can be a blessing and a curse. And speaking of that, we're going to have a show segment now. Hang on, let me take this again. Hollywood Handbook is a show made of podcasts that is doing funnies with Hayes and Sean.

We're always together and we're never apart. It's the friendship that makes it work. That's one of the juice runs clearest. Yes. Unfortunately, we have money problems. I think that's a pretty open secret at this point. The show might be profitable. It might not.

We can't make hide nor hair of the host reports. So we need alternate revenue stream, and the idea we've had now is Hollywood handbooked the game. We've been working on it for 18 years. I mean, it's been a while. Yeah, it's had to change. The technology is often outpacing the development of the game. So sometimes we will finish a version of it,

and then trouble comes out with a little pop-o-matic bubble, and we say, okay, well, maybe we need to go back and add some of that. There's got to be a pop-o-matic bubble. We're going to have to use Yachty's using five dice, so we've got to have eight dice. Then we see that there's a 20-sided dice, so it's got to be eight 22-sided dice. And then

trivia comes out. S-E-N-E. We need some sort of visual DVD component. We have to license all the movie scenes. It's been that kind of... We're not able to... We're watching...

It's a bit of a boondoggle. They show you a square of a poster. You've got to guess what it is. It's a walk in the clouds with Keanu Reeves. You think, oh, maybe it's not that. It's like a period romance. We have to then watch a walk in the clouds and then we can't

remember what we were doing before figure out how the game works but uh all of the hard work has paid off um there's so many elements to this game they're all fun it's truly a full-on adult size bangeroo and kids can play it too. And when the industry, when the board game industry bangs you, you bang them back. And that's exactly what we've done. I would personally say it's the most fun game out there and it's worth

the expense. And it's this is what people don't realize it's for families. It's for work. It's for families. Well, yeah. It's for work. It's for work partners. Yeah.

It's for kissing. It's for babies. Yeah, it's for a kissing date. Yes, go on a date. Go on a date. Play the game on the date. Maybe you finish the game. Maybe you don't.

It's for track stars it's for animals it's for um high-flying uh you know daredevils the red baron snoopy everyone. It's for night court criminals. It's for magicians can use the pieces for tricks. It's for really you know

just like for you guys. So what we're going to do Yeah, fans. That's right. That's a big one. We can take that pause out. It should not take so long

to think of that to think of that but I just don't they're not on my mind it's such a simple they're just not on my mind concept even compared to all the other ones

which are like a far it's a much farther reach that's yeah yeah it almost is just a brain problem to be thinking about to think for so long that I have a brain problem yes yes to about to think for so long

that I have a brain problem yes yes to come up with like the concept of like you guys like the fans well that would make a lot of other stuff

that's going on probably make a lot more sense yeah I mean I'm just not enjoying what I used to enjoy mm-hmm and I'm in a lot of head pain yeah

and that's a the way you say it's like not enjoying what you used to drink. You mean like tasting food. You don't taste food. Well, yeah.

Yeah. And I'm putting wild stuff on it just to be, is this going to generate some kind of sensation in there? Mm-hmm. The answer is no. Mm-hmm. I mean, roundly and completely, the answer has been no. And I'm talking sriracha sauce.

Yeah. I'm talking about. The most flavor, like, and I feel so sad for you because that was like your daily treat. The pink salt. The Himalayan pink salt. I'm talking about. Truffle honey. Maple maple syrup truffle butter. I mean, I'm even talking about, and I didn't mean to go there with truffle butter, but I'm even talking about Neneno.

When I'm chopping, you know, just slurping up in the downstairs cellar, you know, the cellar door of a woman, the most beautiful word in English language. That was, I remember Donnie Darko had such a good teacher. No, Dr. John Carter. Amazing teacher. One of the greatest teachers. And both of his teachers were kind of good looking. Right, he had another teacher as well.

Mm-hmm. Who was that? Drew Miramar. The fire starter herself. So we thought we would play the game. Yes, in a way to introduce you fans to the game. What we want to do is just play a quick round. We've given engineer Cody,

we've all selected our pieces and Cody, if you want to hold up your little totem, that's going to be making its way around the board. This one. Mm. Hmm. And if you want to describe it to everyone at home, it's very,

that's a, it sounds good. Ah, and it's, it's a good totem yeah it's heavy and we all picked ones that sort of represent us yeah different things from the show Cody has the hamburger sandwich which is of course a famous

phrase that we've been used that people really love from latched on to from the show I of course have the how Rudnick that people really love from the show. I, of course, have the Hal Rudnick piece. Hal Rudnick being a famous guest of the show. One of the most popular guests that we've had. And so now I get to be Hal Rudnick sort of racing around the board. And then I have half of Paul F. Tompkins' old blueberry scone that just got left in the studio before we came in.

And so that's sort of a famous thing when we come in here. Someone's garbage is in here a lot, and we just sort of have to fucking deal with it because nobody gives a shit about us. Or I think even worse, they think that we would like it. Yes, they're sort of, I think it's meant to be a kind gesture. Without having to indignify us, they think, by offering it to our face. It's an open secret at this point.

We have some financial problems, and they're not going to be solved by the show. The pay structure that we're under is not yielding dividends for anyone that I know of, but certainly not for us. So hopefully we'll get a bigger slice of this board game, and I think you're going to have a lot of fun. You look at these host reports and you say, is this the sixth or seventh most successful show on the network? And you say, wow. If you think about it for even, like, even a second, you just have to be like, oh, my God. Well, and the most successful ones are, like, seven multiples.

They fucking better be. Yes. So it's like, wow. Holy shit. No wonder they're moving offices, I guess. Yeah. But, you know, I will, of course, spin first. Let me just draw the card and roll to see which spinner I'm going to move the dial on.

Yeah. Zoom. And that was opening the box of the board game. And now I will just draw the card. And it says, dear player, you've won. So, okay, that was a fast round of the game. That can happen.

We were warned that that would sometimes happen. Sometimes that will happen. Is that from the winner pile? Yes. So the spinner from the winner pile? Yes. So the spinner landed on winner pile. Well, when you open the box, you take a winner card to see whether you've won or not. Now, if you've won, you know, good news.

But some of them are lose cards. Yeah. Which, you know, just bad luck. Well, and some of them are draw cards yeah some of them are yes draw another so sometimes

you don't win or lose on the first card you have to draw another card and then see what happens on that card

and you're in control of what happens on it because you're drawing it yeah it's a blank card yeah that you draw on so, it's a blank card. Yeah. That you draw on.

So it's like cranium. It's so much like cranium. It's so much like Rumi Cube. It's so much like Apples to Apples. Cards Against Humanity. Have you ever played Ticket to Rudge? apples to apples um cards against humanity have you ever played ticket to ride oh wow

thank you Cody have you ever played ticket to ride no Cody you'd love it it's a train tracks or something yeah it's actually

the train tracks and it's it's mostly about strategy have you ever played diplomacy Cody that uh no oh wow you wouldn't be very good at it it's mostly about strategy. Have you ever played Diplomacy, Cody? That, uh, no.

Oh, wow. You wouldn't be very good at it. Because if you were going to be good at it, you would have told me, yes, I have played, because a lot of that is just seeming so confident. Now... But that's not the only reason you wouldn't be good. I can name games all day,

but that would probably distract from playing our game, which is a lot like a lot of other games. So what I'm going to do, since I did win the first game, is now it's my right to tumble the word cube and just assign a word to one of you guys, and you have to act like that. Okay. Okay.

And so the word that came up. That's the word wizard inside the cube. He's thinking of a, there's a sort of a, it's not great that you can't see it, but there's sort of a 3D rendering of a word wizard inside the cube and as he's like being knocked around inside when you flip it over you can see the like him yeah he goes to his wall of potions and when the

cube starts to tumble the potions start to spill and spell different letters and then he's selecting the letters and kind of affixing them to himself but he now has gotten all the letters and he's made the word. He's a weirdly young wizard. Yeah.

Well, he looks a lot like... Engineer Ryan? Will Wheaton. Oh. Is that better? Engineer Ryan. Do I want to say that? I appreciate the thought.

want to say that. I appreciate the thought. So he looks a lot like Engineer Ryan. And the word that he's affixed to himself, and this is just a lucky one, it's Engineer Cody. And so I guess I'm going to assign Hayes to act like Engineer Cody

because you have to do what the WordCube wizard says. Okay, that means I have to draw a card from the Engineer Cody specific file, which is all the jokes that Cody has made on the show. So I guess I'll draw a card from this pile and make one of Cody's jokes. I'm going to need you to keep it Disney. Okay, that was from our last episode. That was something Cody said in our last episode. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that. Okay. So great. So now you pass the turn on. Okay. So now I hold sort of the turn squeezer, just a little thing you could squeeze in your hand while you make a turn. Yeah. Yes, it's still your action. I'm sorry. You have the turn squeezer, just a little thing you could squeeze in your hand while you make a turn.

Yeah, it's still your action. I'm sorry, you have the turn squeezer. If there's any other moves, if there's any purchases you'd like to make at this time. Yes, I actually would like to cash in some of my... So you accumulate at the beginning. You show up with

bus tokens. Hollywood has these buses that everyone rides around on. Those are the currency of the game is these bus tokens. Cody, have you ever played Axis and Allies? That one, have you played it? Oh, yeah. I love that it's

like World War II. Yeah, I remember that game. Go ahead. So I would like to go to the store and cash in some of my bus tokens, which I can use to give Hal attribute points that will have a pretty serious effect on the next turn that I do. So you are going to want to do that, obviously, before you act

on turn two. So you, in this case, are the store manager. So what I need if I'm going around the second alley, I'm going to need

a strength potion. I'm going to need a utility belt. Or like, well, it's going to give me more storage. I guess just a larger backpack. Okay. So obviously my affiliation is Kind Chaotic. And so I, you know, not unlike the Joker, am having fun smiling like a kind guy,

but I actually want chaos. So what you've ordered, I'm not going to send you. And Cody, if you want to check your email right now, you're getting an email from Nikki Glaser saying that she actually forgot that she scheduled to record with us today. And she's not going to be able to make it into the show. And so this is something that happens in the Hollywood handbook game.

Yep. People don't always, you know, follow through and it's okay. Yes. But you have to pivot. And now she does say in the email that she'd love to schedule for another time. So I'm going to draw a skip 100 turds card to jump ahead two years into the future. And now can you check her email and see if you got an email? Did she check in with you in that time?

In two years? Yeah. It looks like she did at 7.02 p.m. 7.02 today? Of two years from now today. Like this day in history two years from now. Okay, what's it say? It says,

sorry, I had my cat got very sick and I had to take her to a hospital. Sorry I had dot, dot, dot. Sorry I had my cat got very sick, and I had to take her to what? Is there an I in there? She misspelled pet, and she said Plett Hospital.

She put an L in there. In Van Nuys. Okay. And it looks like that email changes fonts a few times. She didn't even say thanks or anything. She just said, like, dash. And can I just say on the Joker thing, Scott did tweet a joke,

a reference to the Joker a couple days ago. Quite a few, yeah. Yeah, sort of, yes. A thread about how the Joker worships chaos and all this stuff. And he did say he could do that at the beginning of – that was part of our earwolf. And I'm not supposed to be.

You cannot. You should not do that anymore. I am sorry about that. I don't know why I thought I had staked out that corner. Well, it's a fair game. It's a big character. Yeah. Yeah.

And I will lay off I will find the next thing that people will will make jokes about okay Cody so now it is your turn do you have the clay

yeah okay now what you need to do is mash up the clay? Yeah. Okay. Now, what you need to do is mash up the clay. Yeah. And what you're doing is you're making something. So sticky. Yes.

Yeah. Well, there's a lot of beans in it. That is, yes. There is an issue with a bunch of cooked beans making their way into the clay. We did make a lot of our pieces for this game in the Goya factory. There was some confusion over shipments that got mixed up where

yes, some fully cooked pinto beans did go out with our supply of clay. Which I think is fine. I think it's better. It's way better because so many of these games don't have any cooked pinto beans and you go to play

and you're trying to do uno or something and you also have to cook separately and it's just like such bullshit and a lot of these games just smell like nothing that's true that's one of the promises we make

and we've all been obviously holding back on the ordering process and the price for a Hollywood handbook board game. And part of that is we want you to have a good picture of, this thing's going to smell like a lot. Different parts of the game are going to smell like different places that you could go in Hollywood or different foods or different sections of different hospitals. or different foods or different sections of different hospitals.

And it's just such a rich experience for all of your senses, not just your brain and your hands like a lot of board games, but also for your nose, for your hospital part of your memories. And there's a lot to touch. So, Cody, now we look at what you've mashed up. I made this. Okay. And now with this part of the game, it was, of course, would Shelby Farrell like that?

And so the panelists, or the other two players, get to decide if Shelby Farrell would like what Cody made. Okay. So I could see her, even if she did like it, being kind of over it. Because it's, yeah, it's tough. It's unfortunate for you, Cody, because I think she might actually look at that and secretly like it. But it's about whether she would say she would like it. Yes. It has to be part of it.

Yeah. And I actually know her. She's a friend of mine, and I don't think that she would. But a big part of her brand is being over it, and so I think she would actually look at that and sort of be like, I'm over it. But the bean is kind of turned into a little bit of like. Oh, Cody, no one's ignoring what you did with the bean.

I mean, please. If this was purely a judgment on do no one's ignoring what you did with the bean. I mean, please. If this was purely a judgment on do I think you did a great job with the bean, turning it sort of out a little bit. And I apologize for not mentioning that because I know this was something that you kind of needed. And I could say that when, not like you needed the clay, although that is very funny that I did that.

It's just I want to be creative sometimes. No, I know, I know. And I could tell when you were finished, you were saying like, ah, this will be... This fucking No, I know, I know. And I could tell when you were finished, you were saying like, ah, this will be, this fucking job is not fucking creative at all. So fucking, just tasks. Tasks, tasks, tasks, tasks. Just fucking do this.

Right, right, right, right, right. But then every time you get a chance to be creative, it's so bad, right? I mean, they don't let me be creative enough that you know sometimes when they do it but sometimes you do so it should be more so more bad stuff in the hopes that it turns a corner at some

point I think that yeah yeah like what's something you want to do that's bad yeah

do you have any bad ideas for creative things you could make and you know we can give you some space right now. Yeah. I'd like to. Carpentries would be fun. Yeah.

I can make some wood dolls. Uh-huh. And you seem to have cracked yourself up with that last comment. You seem to have cracked yourself up with that last comment. Do you want to talk about what was so funny for you? Do I have to? I think it would help. I know it would help me.

I certainly think Hayes would appreciate it. No, yeah, that would. I know something is help me. I certainly think Hayes would appreciate it. No, yeah, that would... I know something is bad about this, but that would help me articulate exactly what... Because sometimes with you, it's hard to figure out why it makes you feel so awful. There's a real disconnect between I know that what you're trying to transmit to me

is not what I'm getting. So I always like to try to peel back the curtain. I also don't think you're going to be able to communicate why it came out the way it did. No, but it still might get us a little bit closer. It's a clue. Yes. I mean, maybe it's an early childhood imprinting or something subconscious. Right.

Based on my upbringing or, you know, my parents, you know, how they fucked me up or something. I don't know. Okay. And he wants, like, sympathy. And I do understand the desire to sort of change your what people think about you to like oh he's like so like fucked up and crazy like something like as if we were looking at you

deranged or whatever instead of just like oh it just like sucks the flaw is that you assume anyone was looking at you and thinking that your parents got it right like we weren't already taking into consideration, like obviously he's had a hard life.

Like he didn't start like this. We already were spotting you that. And even with the handicap, we sort of ended up where we were you know yeah anyway a Shelby diss

is an automatic lose card yeah so you gotta eat the lose card what about my handicap you have to eat the lose card and that the lose cards

unfortunately do not have enough beans no they were supposed to be almost entirely pressed bean and unfortunately they I guess so many of the beans went in the clay

that they couldn't make it all out of that. Yeah. Okay. I guess. It's like lead in here or something. Yeah. And they did supplement the beans with some lead. God, that Goya factory.

Some of the lead that was supposed to be in the cans, yes, ended up inside the beans. All right, I ate it. What do you want now? Nothing. I mean, that's, you know, you lost the game. So I've won one round. Cody's lost one round.

Hayes, you're at a wash right now. Yes, and sometimes that's a good place to... Oh, yeah. Because you have to, I mean, you have to, the game is not over until all three people have had a different result. And so that actually normally takes a lot

longer. Yeah, so I guess we'll do the rubber match double round. Yeah. Which, as long as Cody doesn't win, should mean that somebody will be the definitive victor. And there's not a whole lot of danger of that, just based on the way the game's structured. Yeah, and are we doing that off the air?

Yeah, we're going to do that at home over Skype. So one thing I did want to remind everyone about is downloading this show and telling your friends about it is a great way to help us get advertisers. You are the ad budget for this show, okay? We don't have a big promotion budget like X-Men Apocalypse did if you like it tell people because then we get to make more

if you like it we don't get to make more if you don't tell everyone about that so please go on your Facebook page go to your dad's bank and put up a sign they'll usually let you put a sign on the windows there and go to your dad's bank and put up a sign in the line. They'll usually let you put a sign on the windows there. And go to your local, or if there's a podcast, if Spotify or something isn't doing the show, go and be like, put the show on there.

Request. If you see that there's a local record store in your town and they don't have any, you know, additions of this podcast, go in and say, Hey, why isn't this playing here? This should be on the speakers.

It's your problem. And then if they say no, say like, why say like that? Why? Yes, please, you know, carry the voice of this show with you. Ask the question the way we would. Why?

How come? Wait, I want it. I made it so I get to say whether it's good and it really works, this show. So do get out there. You are the ad budget for this show guys so you know word of mouth is our greatest asset here and uh please um bother everyone else bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions, a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. Ow, baby.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.