Hollywood Handbook - Karen Kilgariff, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Sean and Hayes demand that Intern Andy tell them how he lost all the donor shout-outs and then got lost himself. Then KAREN KILGARIFF joins the show to discuss her podcast "My Favorite Murder" and help administer a psychopath test for the boys and Engineer Cody. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron and Casper Mattresses.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm watching an episode of Mad About You where Paul Reiser is trying to figure out the difference between khakis and chinos. Oh, come on. Like khakis are color, but chinos is like actually a style of pants but there's chino colored khakis but or no sorry there's khaki colored chinos yeah but some people will call pants just khakis and are those chinos or is khakis also a type of pants that's a different type of pants anyway I'm watching it

with John Pankow and I go was this fun to film and he says I'm not in this scene so I turn to Helen Hunt and I go why is John Bean like this? Was he in the scene? I don't know.

But. I don't even think he knows. Yeah. If you don't know, he probably doesn't know. But... I don't even think he knows. Yeah, because... If you don't know, he probably doesn't know. Because Paul is like, I need a nice new pair of chinos, you know? And then it's like, I don't know who he was talking to, but I know that they either say, like, you mean like khakis, or maybe it's the reverse.

Hey! Oh, go ahead. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's that guy, take khakis, or maybe it's the reverse. Hey! Oh, go ahead. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's that guy, taking a kick about him dropping names on the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We had an accident. Yes. And that's putting it lightly. We had a mega big oopsie, and it wound up being kind of a big smash up for us.

So we had all our donor shout outs organized in a nice laminate. And who, if you're a show like ours, big successful show, you got two hosts, super busy. You got a couple engineers very incompetent and you need to uh organize your donor shout outs and have them in a nice neat file to pull out when you need them and laminate them in case an engineer put them in the sink yes and try to wash them who would you get uh you would get your intern, Intern Andy. Hi. Was that an introduction?

It kind of has to be now. So we give our forms to Intern Andy and we say, take care of these, do not wash them. They are not dirty. Intern Andy's sort of our cousin Ira here on this show. He's in and out of our lives. He's

kind of a loose cannon. He doesn't have his feet on the ground the way me and Hayes do. We care about him, but he tends to disappoint us. And when you say in and out of our lives he was always he does not always get to be part of the show but he is always part of the production just like organizing the scripts and like making sure that the everything is in place with the studio and the production and all that but one day recently and we realized that andy had lost all our donor

shout outs and at the same time we that we had lost andy as well yeah so first he lost the shout outs which was bad enough then we sent him out to look for them. We said, retrace your steps. We don't know what you've been doing, but you do. We'll put this tracker on you. When you find them, dial 911. They'll know what to do. they'll know what to do.

So, unfortunately, an activity like putting the batteries in a tracking device is exactly the type of task we farm out to our intern. When you're trying to track your intern, who lost the donor shout-outs? It's not quite so simple, is it, intern Andy? Yeah, I mean, I guess that's one way of thinking about it. I didn't realize that the batteries were not in there. How would they have gotten in there if our intern didn't put them in? Sometimes you can buy things that come with batteries in it. Okay, name one.

A television remote. No. It doesn't come with the batteries. Batter Okay, name one. Television remote. No. It doesn't come with the batteries. Batteries are packaged separately. I've been doing it wrong this whole time, I guess. You're doing it wrong. Have you been pushing the remote up against the buttons on the TV itself in order to change channels?

Yeah. What a great wand. I don't have to use my fingers and get them all mucky. So where did you go, Andy? We saw you sort of trundling out of the studio that day. Well, first I tried to activate the gate that's only for cars with your body by sort of making a car noise. Yeah. And it worked. I mean, I pushed the button and I made the car noise and it just opened right up. I don't know. It seems like I did that one right. I opened it.

Oh. And you say it opened right up. It was 15 minutes of you making that car noise. And Sean did think you were a car. Right, yeah. So, I mean, it ended up working out. So I went to Vaughn's. You know, you could buy those roast turkeys there,

and those are actually a really great deal. The grocery store actually loses money on those because they're such a great deal. Yeah. But the smell just made people want to buy it. You saw the turkeys and you said, I'm one of these as well. Sorry. Sorry, I'm just a little upset.

But you went to Vaughn's. Now, when you say vaughn's you mean the director of the kingsman matthew vaughn yeah i went over to matthew vaughn's place to get one of those and he's selling turkeys yeah yeah like roast chicken sorry i had that wrong um and yeah so i mean he loses money on it but but people go over and get so hungry that he ends up making enough to fund his projects. He loses money on it. But he makes enough to fund his projects. And yet he makes so much money.

I'm just telling you what he told me. I don't know. Okay. Okay. So you go to Matthew Vaughn's house. Oh, and before you go on, thanks, Chris Marshall. Donate $100. Yes, we found it.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, spoiler. The way this ends is we do find the shout-outs. We do find Andy and the shout-outs. Yes. Right. Okay, so you're looking inside. I guess you probably have to tear open all the turkeys to see if you accidentally left the shout-outs inside one of these turkeys. When I get in on one of those, I just like, you know,

who knows what could also get in there the way I eat them. Right. Okay. No luck. Yeah, nothing. I asked Matthew Vaughn, too, and he just kept talking about this new thing that he was working on, where he was going to do a documentary about these chickens and the roasting process and stuff.

And I just was not, you know. Are you still a car at this point? Yeah, I can be. I mean, I'm doing. No, not now, but I'm. Oh, oh, oh, oh. At this point in the story. At this point in the story.

Honestly, the line starts to kind of blur. It's hard for me to tell sometimes. When you're being a car as hard as you were being in front of the gate. Tough to just snap back into being people. Right. So, okay. So you scoot off. So you scoot out from Vons.

Hit the gas, get going. Hitting the gas is walking for you. So where to next, Andy? It was a weird, I don't know exactly how to describe it. It was like there was a lot of people. I think there was more food there, but I didn't eat because I was really full. From a turkey? Yeah.

Or the chickens, I said it wrong earlier. You said both, though. And so there's a lot of people, there's food. Thanks to John. Is there any music playing? John J. Dodig as well for his donations. Oh, thanks, Dodig. Dodig, Dodig, Dodig.

Oh, gosh. Anyway, where is it? Dodig, Dodig, Dodig as well for his donation. Oh, thanks, Dodig. Dodig, Dodig, Dodig. Oh, gosh. Anyway, where is it? Dodig, Dodig, Dodig. What about this one? Go stupid, go dumb, dumb. So there's people there. Tell me when to go. Tell me when to go. I didn't mean to

set all this off. Shout out to the Bay Area. No, you don't get to do any shout outs. Why not? No. Is that where you ended up, in the Bay Area? Yeah, I think so. I think I was at the Warfield in San Francisco.

The Warfield? You were at Marshall Warfield's home in San Francisco? Yeah. He said he knew you guys. Marshall Warfield's home in San Francisco? Yeah. He said he knew you guys. Marshall Warfield. And your story is a man who said they knew us, even though she was one of the main cast members of Nightcore. I was a woman then.

Yeah. I didn't know where I was, and I didn't know who I was talking to. He said there were a lot of people there. And this is a little bit of what was happening is we obviously were not able to track Andy when we would look at our sonar machine. We got no blips whatsoever. We were getting no signal. He hadn't called 911.

We were sometimes because we kept calling to ask if they had heard from him yeah we said has andy called or anything do we have any messages from andy yeah and so when we did actually get in touch with you which every once in a while my next l would sort of crackle the life. And I would just say, like, describe what's around you. And you would say, I see people. And also one time you said, I see dead people. I smell air, you said, which didn't help me at all. One time you said, I think I hear a plane, but it might not be a plane.

And you had the shout outs. I mean, I haven't seen you in six months. You had the shout outs at one point. And then you spent another two months traveling around with the shout outs trying to make your way back to LA you lost the city of Los Angeles did you know where you were Los Angeles did you know where you really funny right did you know where you were at any particular point not particularly no I mean I was yeah like I was the whole time I had this thing and I thought maybe you guys could hear me and I was, yeah, like, I was, the whole time I had this thing, and I thought maybe you guys could hear me, and I was, like, trying to talk into it. I was, like, leaving little diaries for you to catch you up and, like, you know.

Sometimes you were making porno sounds. Well, you guys know me, you know, you know, that's. Andy's a man of great appetites. From roast chicken to porno stuff. He's rarely satiated. Sated? Sater? Bill Sater?

Right? Yes, that's right. Yes, Andy is a hungry boy. Thanks, Jack Brown and Spencer Thompson. So Andy is a hungry boy. Thanks, Jack Brown and Spencer Thompson. So Andy's a hungry boy. And he tends to follow his nose to places when he smells flesh or food that he can sort of bury himself in. And so I think maybe that was sort of the key to some of your wandering. I think maybe that was sort of the key to some of your wandering.

Yeah, when I get in a certain state, I'm just putting the pedal to the metal. Yeah, and I think a lot of the time, the way you had maybe some of the porno sounds were just the way you have your Nextel Direct Connect fixed sort of under your belly. Your belly is kind of like pressing down on the button. That sounds accurate. Yes, it's clipped on your belly, on the inside.

Yes. Against your skin in the center. But you kind of rest your belly on it. Yeah. Yeah, I've just kind of gotten used to that. So it's sort of always on. Yeah. And it's sometimes getting thumped against

you know by your you know did you say TBS? and now you realize you made a mistake and you meant IFC yeah that's right that's kind of me too but in a different

sexually always turned on slightly off in your tastes yeah sexually. Oh, yeah. Always turned on. Slightly off in your tastes. Yeah. Name some things that arouse you that I might find surprising. Oh, and thanks, Joseph Zadlo. How many did we skip? Yeah, Mitch Kappa.

Yeah. And Spencer Thompson. Did we get him? I said him. Say him again. I don't give a shit. It's been like eight years. Can I ask what happened to all the money?

That's right. Go in whatever order you want. At some point, there's the discussion of what turns you on that Sean might find surprising. What turns you on that I might find surprising. What turns you on that I might find surprising, and what happened to all the money? We have the names of these people, but I am curious what happened to the money that they sent. Yeah, well, and we also gave Andy something of a slush fund going, we know that getting these donor shout-outs back,

if anyone has found them and acquired it, they're laminated. Somebody's going to know they're valuable, and you might have to purchase them. All of it was gone. The shout-out money and a lot of the slush fund that A's and I contributed to. Well, I mean, you have their names, so you could just ask them to send it. No, that's great. You can ask them to send in more.

You say, we lost it. Sorry, can you send another $100? What happened to the first money? Okay, well, the two questions you asked me kind of relate because one of my things is the Sacagawea dollars, you know, the little gold ones. Yeah. And when you go into a store and people won't take them,

I like that sort of withholding of it. The push and pull. The humiliation. It's a BDSM thing. It's pretty famous on this podcast at this point, what I say about Sacagawea. Yeah. Bomb has toagawea. Yeah. Bomb has to blow your mind.

Yeah, she got that bomb. It's supposed to blow your mind. So that element of it too. Yeah. BDSM for you is boners derived from Sacagawea money. Yeah. I'm going to start using that. I like that.

When will you be using it? I'm going to start using that. I like that. When will you be using it? I'm going to start using it. How about asking me? Yeah. Well, no, I'm just going to do it. I thought you were just like... No, here I go. I'm using it now.

Did you just tell your boss that you're going to start using the thing that he came up with? Thanks to Nick Bonadiz. Bonadiz nuts. thanks to Nick Bonadiz. Bonadiz nuts. One thing that Andy also said to his boss earlier was up your butt and around the corner. I asked where he lived, and he said up your butt and around the corner.

And he said it real nasty. And then he did a big... He did a big sniff. Yeah. He did a big sniff like he thought he was smelling dirty panties. Talk about how you're obsessed with that. What else is there to say? No, for you, there are a lot of layers.

Because the way they get dirty is not the way that I think most people normally picture. Is you make them go through some sort of food processing machine. And you can follow up on this in a second, but I still haven't figured out what happened to all the money because I understand you converted all the Sacagawea dollars. I understand people wouldn't accept the Sacagawea dollars. But every time you try to spend it, you are unable to. Yeah, so we should still have that Sacagawea money.

Yes, but also at some point we do have to come back to the food processing machine that you put panties through to make them dirty. Right, okay. Well, thanks to Leidenberg as well. But just remember what we are coming back to is either the panty and the food processing machine. I'll do a quick joke on Leidenberg.

Oh, great. So we have to account for that as well. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Oh, great. Yeah. So we have to account for that as well. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. All right. Okay. Yeah. Well, we can, I can do my two things. No, no, no. Do one of your things and then Sean can do his Leidenbergian joke. Well, the area I'm working in and maybe Andy as our intern, you can help me is Iceberg right ahead. If you remember that was in the trailer for the film Titanic and Leidenbergen has Berg in it

so we must be able to get there yeah and now you help Bergen Leiden ahead is it just like I just keep thinking of Loudon

Wainwright the third from all my favorite movies like what well I guess Knocked Up and then Ewan Knocked Up

he loved that the women in that are shrews. Yeah, your relationship to that movie is horrifying. I like the woman parts of that movie. Yeah, what is it that you say about them? That they're shrews? Yeah, that's exactly right. I heard that from somewhere. You love that.

Okay, so what we still have left to take care of, we got the joke, I guess. We have to take care of your panty fascination and what happened to all this money that you tried to spend but couldn't.

I feel like saying that I have a thing for dirty panties is not exactly accurate because I feel like that makes people think that it's been worn by a person. But yeah, I buy them, and then I put them through one of those Jack LaLanne juicers. You remember those? They're really quiet. But what else do you put in a juicer? Like carrots and kale and just like half an apple.

You could just put the whole, like, the seeds and, like, the stem. Like, you could put everything in there, and it just, like, strains it all out. Right. Yeah. And so then. And then you drink the panties. You're drinking panties. You're drinking dirty panties.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think it's, like. How many panties would you say you've drank today and I'll know if you're lying two big ones

he's lying he did say two big ones and then big ones checked out what I could tell he smells a little like he drank two big panties I'm touching his neck so I can feel his pulse. And when he said two, his pulse quickened like I'm lying. But then when he said Big Ones, it slowed down to a crawl.

Thanks to Brian Resnick, like the Nick from the TV show. The Nick. And so we're following the money now in this case. Okay, yeah. Basically, I just found a place that took the dollars, and I just like, you know, I'm really dissatisfied. Honestly, it felt kind of nice. Like I settled down for a bit.

Like, you know, I just like found somebody that was special and I could just give them my dollars or somebody's dollars. And I kind of just... Well, I'll tell you whose dollars it was. It was Paul Stevens' dollars. Now, you made a mistake because you said

we're following the money, which makes Andy think of the phrase, follow the money, which makes Andy think of deep throat, which makes Andy think of getting mysterious phone calls, which makes Andy think of the phrase follow the money, which makes Andy think of deep throat, which makes Andy think of getting mysterious phone calls, which makes Andy think of, that's right, porno stuff. Now, he probably could have gotten there just from the phrase deep throat, but not

our Andy. No. Not my generation. Yeah. Who is this person? Who's this woman? You know, like, on Vermont Street, there's that 7-Eleven that doesn't sell alcohol? They do take Sacagawea dollars, like, for whatever you are going to get. Is this woman, can I make a guess?

Okay. Is this woman a rotating taquito? Yeah. Is this someone that you got involved in a toxic relationship with, potentially? Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it was talk. Like, I got something out of it too. Like, I got to spend time with somebody, and I just spent a few, like $1,000.

From what I've heard, just from some of my friends who work at that 7-Eleven, she had a sister-in-law, I guess, who was a stale bear claw and you got caught in the middle of some sort of competition between the two of them that left you ultimately

scarred yes we heard a lot of reports about a car boy marrying the food at the 7-Eleven. Yeah, that sounds accurate. So you were very close by at this point. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was like right around the corner. That's really close. See this up your butt and around the corner thing again. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like right around the corner. That's really close. See this up your butt and around the corner thing again. Oh, no. Meanwhile, And you couldn't see the big sniff that he did. He did a huge,

huge sniff. And also, when he, when he's being a car sometimes, he'll offer me a taquito from his tailpipe. He calls them tailpipe taquitos. He must have a dozen of them in there at any given time. And so all of this sort of forming one unified picture for me.

And thank you for Stuart Heritage for sending in the money as well. Okay, Andy. Well, welcome home. You're safe now. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I'm safe, but I'm here. You know where I am at least, so everyone's relieved. What are you in danger from?

There's too many taquitos in there, you guys. I hit the limit. You hit the limit. Yeah. I said at least a dozen. Was I lowballing you? Yeah. Probably like two to three dozen.

Okay. Acres dozen. Yeah, I could feel you on my pulse. You were lying. Yeah, he gave me a look and I was like yeah it was actually Baker's Dozen yeah don't violate the circle of trust Focker now

you also lost my mail you lost all my birthday surprises the card I got from Anastasia and the filthy gift that I got from Alan. It was like three months ago, and I'm just hearing about these now. And the nice fish print that I got from Mark. You lost them. Yeah, but that was like the one thing.

You remember Castaway where he's got that one package that he doesn't open that gives him hope. Yeah. Those, your filthy gifts from all your fucked up fans. Spoiler alert. Well, nobody watched Castaway now. Andy's seen it. Yeah, Andy's like, I've seen it, and now no one else is allowed to see it.

Right. It's my movie. Why don't you just tell me what happens at the end of every movie? Okay. Go ahead. Starting now. Okay. Don't start with Knocked Up.

That one, well, they do take the baby home oh isn't your hero in that movie the guy it doesn't isn't he like a some kind of porno entrepreneur who is this it's his favorite movie it's your favorite i don't know what happens which porno guy is in it? Come on. They're trying to make a frigging celeb skin. Oh, Mr. Skin is my hero? Is that what you're saying? Well, kind of. I like that he has a database of nude bodies. Yeah, that is your favorite thing about him.

Yeah, I guess so. Doesn't he have any other qualities to you? I like his... He has a nice smile. Ugh. Ugh. God. Eddie likes Mr. Skin's smile.

Sometimes I think Andy wants to make me throw up. Well, we have a guest that we have to talk to now. Yeah. Karen. Yeah. On now. Yeah. Karen. On Hollywood Handbook. Karen. So, if you can picture it, me, Christy Swanson,

Cedric Yarbrough at the art museum. I've got the image. I'm sitting in the gallery. They let me bring a chair with me through the museum. It's not a wheelchair. It is a chair that I can roll from room to room.

But I'm standing and I'm pushing the chair between rooms. But then I sit down in it because if I'm standing up for too long, my knees start to kind of descend down my legs. Right, yes. My knees just sort of slime their way down. It's almost like a fireman's pole. Yes. You know, your cat.

And they do make that same kind of sound, that squeaky sound. Well, they appear to be having just as much fun. So we're looking at the art, and Cedric is like, oh, what an interesting painting and all this. Right. Yeah, right. And I can sort of tell that he's just, like, pretending to get it. And so then they're like, Hayes, what do you think of the paint? And I say, honestly, I think my think my five year old could paint that.

Oh wow. Hayes. And so Cedric was faced by that and did he find his face? He well he was attempting to find his face very early and down on his hands and knees at that point. And he was like

your youngest child is 39 years old and so i had to be like no he's not sure yeah he's five so that begins this whole thing where i like what constitutes like what is your child well he's oh go ahead he set up it became like a challenge where i have to actually like follow through on this now i have to go to fenced dirt it's like you have to pretend that you are five years old it became clear like i didn't really realize what a five-year-old dress is like so i dressed him up like a little baby and i'm right it's just been so long. Yes. But eventually we set up the painting challenge and he's like trying to paint it exactly like the original one. Oh, but that wasn't your point.

It was that your five-year-old could do something of the same quality as the original one. No, my point was that he could paint that exact thing. That exact one, like he could copy it? Yeah, not even copy it. He could paint it over it. Yeah, that he could paint the original one. Can I ask a quick question? What was Christy Swanson doing this whole time? She sort of got caught up with one of the guards,

the museum guards, wanting to show up. Like, when she sees, like, any kind of authority figure, she sort of wants to go Buffy on him. Right. Original Buffy. Yes. And so she's just sort of, like, standing next to the guard, just, like, sort of vaguely doing moves. Mm-hmm.

You know? Just sort of waiting for him to, like, try to stop her from doing the moves. Just showing him, like. Her hands are just kind of vaguely doing these, like, the beginnings of moves. Right. Getting into pre-karate poses. Yes. Wow.

Well, yeah. And then just to wrap it up quickly, did your five-year-old, and I'm using quotes, paint that? No. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. I was in an industry we call showbiz. And I can change.

And part of it is being able to change speed. You go up ahead of me, and then the caboose comes into the station as well. I'm Hayes, and Sean, we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Hayes, and I'm not. It's like what I should have. It's been probably 45 episodes, I think, since we've introduced ourselves. No, we don't say our names as much, and that's a mistake because we are getting new listeners all the time.

We're always so happy to have more people come and just sort of join the party. And if you picture a hot tub that's huge and it's also a time machine, that's kind of how we think of our show. We've got a guest here for doing it, talking to and have interview and fun and that is what we're gonna sort of bridge into with a nice segue now where we say the guest's name

and then she says hi and then probably Hayes will start talking to her or maybe she'll have some follow up question on Hayes' museum story but anyway without further ado let's just get into it and I'm going to take a quick sip of water and hopefully it doesn't take too long

glug glug glug glug glug Karen Kilgareff. Hi. Hi. Wait, I have a quick question. Oh, no. Was this at the Norton Simon Museum over in Pasadena? Yes.

Yeah. I could just picture it in my mind as you were talking about it. There were so many people there. I wish so many people didn't know about this because it did end up being embarrassing for me. And then did you also ever clarify what the rolling chair had to do with the latter half of the story? Oh, I didn't mean for that to be set up. I just said that I was sitting. I thought people might be confused that I was sitting and looking at the paintings. Just to, yeah.

But you were rolling. Yes. things just yeah but you were rolling yes in reality i was sitting and sort of slowly rolling because the wheels are so well oiled that it is impossible for the chair to ever be stationary right yeah you know so much of storytelling is painting a picture yeah and that and especially when it's about painting a picture yeah i mean I mean, painting a picture about a museum. Right. It's like a thing within a thing. It really does trip you out.

Yeah. It really totally does trip you out. No, it is. It's like, yeah, it's like when a mirror is inside itself. So what is the thing about us that we all love to explore and talk with? that we all love to explore and talk with. It's obviously going to happen on the podcast, and it's right now starting.

So, Karen, you do podcasts, and it's from Feral. Is that because it's so wild? Yes. We knew that if we did a murder podcast, we would need to be housed in a place that could not contain us. And Feral Audio was that place, if that makes sense. Yeah. Definitely, that's where all the baddest motherfuckers go to make their show. Right. And, well, I'm not jealous because we have a great setup over here.

It's amazing. It's good. We don't maybe get the recognition we deserve. I don't know if you saw the wall of shoes with hosts on them. That's painted outside. Well, I have been staring at this table, which is just packed with names and signatures and that alone just shows me the amount of celebrity strength that has come through these

recording rooms it screams quality doesn't it when it has just this casual desperation about it of get my name on there and let me be seen, which I really respond to. Well, and when you're recording a podcast with no celebrities, you still can feel like this is a famous podcast. Use your signature that you use at the bank here. Nick Gligor was here. Oh my God, I love him. Katie Krenitz was also here in Block Letters. Nelson Franklin. I mean, he had a whole arc on the Millers. Katie Krenitz was also here in Block Letters.

Nelson Franklin. I mean, he had a whole arc on the Millers. So at this point, it's like, all right, well, maybe it doesn't matter that I don't have these huge mega credits because I'm sort of in the same neighborhood as these guys. But it's aspirational. You look at it and you say, this is where I want to be. I want to find like a quarter inch spot where I can sign my name and inspire people one day in the future. And Karen, if you'd like to do that, we can absolutely talk to Engineer Cody. Okay. I mean, if you could put in a word, that'd be amazing.

Yeah, I can definitely get involved. Engineer Cody, do we have anything coming up? Is there any real estate that's supposed to be freeing up anytime soon? Like office space? No. Cody has been thinking a lot about the movie Office Space. Oh, right. Like you want a cubicle in the office somewhere? That you can take one wall off and push it and have a window?

Wait, no, hold on. I am interested in this. I am. Oh, well, she does want a cubicle, yes. I want two things now. Cody's starting to look like he maybe over-promised a little bit. He bit off more than he could chew here. You always have to know that someone could say yes to your suggestion.

Well, and he's only seen the first half of Office Space, too, so he's not sure what the consequences will be. Right when it comes to the damn it feels good to be a gangster part, he's like, I can't handle this. It's too stressful. Cleaning a fish in the office, that's not work stuff. What the fuck is happening? Now, Karen, what explaining murder? Go ahead.

Yes, thank you. Perfectly put. It's just that thing where a human decides to take the life of another human. And what about killing as well? Right. About and on killing. I feel like it's a thing that people do to other people. Sometimes it's planned and sometimes it's not.

And it can be scary. It's often scary. True, true. Can be fun to think about scary things, can't it? I like it. One thing when you said taking the life of another person, I at first thought, I've taken the life of so many people. Oh, yeah? As an actor.

Uh-huh. Who are some of those people? Yeah. Oh, um, Happy Loman. Uh-huh. Matt Merbles was the name of my character on Parks and Rec. He looked at Grizzle. Uh-huh. He looked at Grizzle.

He was a killer? Fritz, the community college acting teacher. Also a murderer? No, no, no, no, but I took his life. I mean, I gave him life, but also I started occupying his life. I ceased to be Sean Clements. Did you take his life twice? Middling writer.

Go ahead, what? Did you take his life twice? Oh, Fritz? Yeah. Yeah, twice. But that's not how you meant. And so, when doing killing, what's the best? This podcast is being translated from German, right?

Is that what's happening? Okay. For me, what best is, I would say, is a murderer, a serial killer who plans. Not this passion, oh, I drank a bunch of beer and now I'm going to shoot you in the face with a shotgun because you disrespected me. Instead, is that your fear? Oh, I thought that you were saying that you might do that for real. That's my training. It makes it real.

But I instead like a planned, methodical killer who picks his victims for a certain reason in a certain way. I just think that's fascinating. One thing I don't get, beer doesn't make me want to do that, man. It just makes me want to fucking party more. Yeah. Isn't partying so awesome? I mean, as a 30-year alcoholic, I would say absolutely. Yeah.

Yes. So your podcast is favorite murder but what about your favorite partying oh like great partying I've done in the past what's your favorite one we even mentioned you had a party tonight and I was listening to your podcast and the first story

you tell us about making friends at a party yes so it's like how many parties are we talking about here at least seven so so i've been to so many parties i've i've lived here for so long and parties are a major part of my life and what i do and even if i don't get fucked up at the party i'm still partying yeah you know and still fucked up shit can go down yeah Yeah. Yeah. It does. Somebody takes shoes off, put their feet in the pool.

Oh, my God. I've seen that. I heard about it. Yeah. It's nuts. Yeah, just to check the temp. So murders can be something for a podcast or for real life, but can't they also be a TV or a movie? Oh, I think they often can be.

And that's what we're here to talk about in a way. Why is a movie so good when it has a killer? Like, what's the- Hannibal Lecter? Oh, Karen. Right? That gave me the willies just hearing that name. Go ahead.

Well, his staring, I think, is probably the first thing you thought of. The staring case. Just so much eye contact. Unbreaking, unyielding eye contact. That's something a lot of killers do. Yeah. They stare. Yeah, I bet they do.

So, all right. So Hannibal Lecter, one down. What about when the TV could actually be the killer, like video killed the radio star, my favorite murder? Now, that did happen? Yes. Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh. Who did he kill?

No, he's the radio star. He's the radio star, yeah. That's right. That's when he played a homeless retarded. Right. I remember. I think won the football game. Yes.

In essence. With the help of Ed Harris. So, yes, he was the radio star and then video killed him. Now, I think the video release of radio is what killed him. Mm-hmm. So it's sort of a weird circular kind of a causal loop. Yeah. Which happened.

It was really, yeah, I remember when that video came out. Yeah. That was really the end of it. I thought it was snow dogs. No, that video was good. That had some good stuff in it at the end. Yeah, that had some of the best dogs. It tested through the roof.

What about when video killed the radio flyer star? Oh. Elijah Wood. Elijah Wood died? Well, no. But he's not, doesn't look really healthy, does he? He's not vital. No.

He's not thriving. He doesn't appear to have a robust physical life. Right. Karen, can you settle an argument between me and Sean? I'd love to. It's not a big fighty argument, but it is a discussion we've been having for a while. You've gotten to know us a little bit now, and so you look at us. Between me and Sean, which of us is Mike and which of us is Dave?

I'm going to have to go Hayes, Dave, Sean Mike. Yes! Yes! That's actually fine. I just went with my gut. You're not mad? It's actually fine. Happy to be wrong in this case.

Happy for Hayes. Is Dave the winner? Is that the one to be? In this case, Happy for Hayes. Is Dave the winner? Is that the one to be? In this case, Dave is me and I am the winner, yes. Okay. It's easier for you. I don't know if you would have been able to take being Mike. I don't know if you could carry that weight.

Well, does this mean you're going to go around, like, going back to all the people that you've, like, made this claim to and, like, saying that you were wrong? Individually? Face to face? Yes. Well, those were the terms. Well, thanks, Karen, for settling in. It's honestly a relief to have that cleared up. I was happy to do it.

I'm not mad about who won. I don't care. I'm not asking you to change it. Do you feel like you maybe said Dave because Hayes' name is Hayes Davenport? No, I didn't. And my middle name is Mike. I mean, your middle name influenced it, but I wouldn't say it was the deciding factor. And I'm talking into a mic.

And I, yeah, there's mics all around us. That was my original point. And Hayes is sitting on a Davenport. They needed nice girls and they got hot messes. Yeah, which is never, you know, and that is a thing that can really happen uh so one thing about murderers is they can be real psychos and speaking of psychos we were thinking maybe the three of us just to make sure we're all safe in here, and Engineer Cody can play too, should give each other a psychopath test.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah. So, you being the expert, maybe we would ask the first question. Okay. And then, maybe Hayes,

being the Dave of the group, would be kind of the leader, and he would ask the second question. And everyone has to answer, and no lying. And that's the main rule is you can't lie about if you are going to be a psychopath or not. Right. And if you're telling a lie, then Kevin, the new photographer,

is going to be able to tell. Is Kevin still okay? I would like Kevin to stay where I can see him. And now this is a new, I know this is a new arrangement. No, I don't want that. You know what's funny? That's the first question of the psychopath test. Can you handle a photographer being behind you?

And the answer clearly is no. Are you okay with Kevin sneaking up on you? Right. And you aren't. You just answered without knowing, and you're a total psychopath. Is that the only, like. What a total psychopath. Is that the only, like. What a sicko. That's the only question?

What a sick fuck. Yeah. This sick fuck. Who let this sick fuck in my studio? I'm supposed to like Kevin sitting behind me? Yeah. Well, can I be honest about something? I really don't want him sitting behind me.

Because you can't lie. Well, yeah. So it might be that you're a freaking psycho as well. Well, I didn't know I was such a sick fuck. I'm so disappointed in myself. Shame. No wonder I like so much of the stuff I like. It's hard to do that mirror work, you know what I mean?

And just really look. Yeah. Really look at it. I hate going inward. I know. I always want to blame something out there. Of course you do. And when I'm feeling empty inside, I want to take something from outside and fill that hole.

And often your reflection is smiling even when you're being sad. Oh, God. What a frigging lying, sick fuck. So that was the first question. And Dave, from the two of us, do you want to ask the second question? Yeah. Mine's a scenario.

You go to the food store. Okay. You step on the little pad. Cart or basket? Am I grabbing a cart or am I grabbing a basket? Well, you only need. I'm at the food store. How much do I need?

You only need one piece of fruit. So cart. You get your cart. You bring it in, you get a cherry, but it keeps falling through the cart. Naturally.

The holes are too big. You run it over a bunch of times. You call over the attendant. So you're at a very high-end grocery store. Yes. And the produce attendant says, yes, sir, what can I help you with? Yeah. Our man.

How do you respond? Hey, what the hell? Or wait, hang on, it's me? Yeah. Okay, hold on. I was being Fritz, the acting teacher. So how do I respond? I've run over the cherry a couple times and I've gone.

And so at this point I turned and I went, psst, camarera, psst, camarera to whoever was nearby. And an attendant has reported. I guess what I would say is, was Engineer Cody here bending the bars on my cart? Because I find that when the bars are too wide on a cart, a lot of times it's because Cody has beaten me to the grocery cart. Yes. He can bend the bars. the grocery cart yes

he can bend the bars and he's able to bend the bars with some machine tool he has yeah pliers I don't he was trying to commit it's all Greek to me

that it was that it was phenomenon that he was being phenomenon oh yes that he was doing the angel yes

yes phenomenon the angel from hell. Yeah. But all he would do, like he would use the pliers with one hand, but just be like touching his temple with the other hand, like he was doing it with his brain. And the first couple of times it did fool me.

Yeah, it really drew my eye up to his temple. Yeah. Which is the distraction. And meanwhile, he stole your watch. Did you know that's how it works? Yes, that's right. It is. Yes, it's all about focus.

Margot Robbie. I would have said to the attendant, clean this up right now. Well, the secret was the attendant is a woman. Ah. The secret was the intent is a woman. Ah, and that really truly revealed some of my sexism where I thought only a man can work in a food store. And now I think it's Cody's turn. I'm so sick of being so psycho like this.

It's nuts. Yeah, I can't trust myself to be with myself. Cody, isn't it your turn now? Sure. I would have run over the cherry

with the cart but as I hit it That already happened. No, but In this scenario that already happened. It would have gotten jammed because of the pit.

So the pit would have gotten all lodged up in the little chassis. In the scenario Hayes described that's what you just said is the point at which the question

began. You just walked us up to the point where you're supposed to answer and said, I would have and then described it again. What is that on the psycho test? What does that mean? What if we really do discover something genuinely

problematic with Cody? I mean, we're going to discover, as we often do, some level of disorder. Whether it's being a psychopath, I don't know. But it's definitely not being a normal dude. He did say chassis, which I found upsetting. He's got this motorcycle man persona. He's been trying to really sell us. At one point he asked us to call him Harley.

Everything has a chassis now. Yeah. He describes the chassis on like a cup of coffee. That's tiresome. Cody, but it is actually your turn to ask a question. No, that's where it ends. Okay, I think that's actually a good... But isn't it your turn to ask a question?

Yeah. Oh. I thought he meant that that's where his participation is. That's what I thought too, and I was willing to accept that. Mine's a scenario. Oh, okay, great. Okay. That's what I thought too, and I was willing to accept that. Mine's a scenario. Oh, okay, great. So you're up in a hot air balloon,

and you can see so far and wide the great beautiful nation and its countryside. Both? Yeah. Oh, my God. Now suddenly there's a grocery store attendant up there with you, and he's concerned about how you were destroying the food in his grocery store. Okay, now remember the one thing we established about the grocery store attendant was that it's a woman.

Well, but this may be a different grocery store attendant because we all know when Cody says you can see the great beautiful nation he is talking about North Korea and women are not allowed in hot air balloons

in North Korea well it's just yeah it's a completely different culture over there and he

we're not saying that's good or bad no right we don't take sides on this at all we're just reporting the culture

it's just how they do things and we have a suspicion that it might be better than people are saying. Yes. But we don't want to come down either way. We don't know. Yes. We're not saying it's bad.

We might be saying that it is good. Oh, yeah. And we probably are. But. Because they could pop the balloon with their nails. Mm-hmm. So, Cody, does the information... The information helps.

It helps you with your scenario? Yeah. That's great. Because, so you're a communist in the balloon because you're in North Korea, and the attendant wants to know why you were wrecking his food up. So, you know, how do you answer that?

What do you say to him? Okay. Because youing his food up. So how do you answer that? What do you say to him? Okay. Because you broke his food that day. I guess what, well, I guess the fortunate thing for me is I know that we're all in the same scenario, so I will probably blame it on Karen. That's right, because it did happen, I guess, to all of us since we all got asked the question. Yeah.

So we're all in a hot air balloon basket together with a male North Korean attendant in North Korea. And he's confronting all of us about the fruit that got broken. Yeah, the fruit got in a right smash up. It got wrecked up. It's a very small balloon too and a very small basket. The basket's too small. I'm just a little confused by how this question started off in such a different place for mine

and ended up in essentially the same question. That's what happens with scenarios though. It does always happen that way, doesn't it? Yeah. They just bring you back around to the same spot. Yeah, to the grocery store thing. So we don't have to answer that question. Yeah, I guess we've already kind of answered it.

So I guess mine won't be a scenario. So I guess I'll just posit a fictional situation. Two fathers and two sons go fishing together. Each of them catches a fish. They sell it to the food store. You run over it with your cart. See, I don't know if you noticed this. It did end up being another scenario.

One's a grandfather. Wait. Oh, sorry. What are you getting at? No, I'm sorry. That is actually different. Yes. Oh, sorry. What are you getting at? No, I'm sorry. That is actually different. Yes. Yeah, that is different than I thought.

It's only three. So I pulled another psycho move. Mm-hmm. So I guess we're finding that we're complete psychopaths. I think the evidence is here. Who's safe around us? No one. No one, yeah.

No one. I would say no one. Not one person. No one is actually safe. Um, hmm. That's so difficult for me because, holy, Karen! What? Do you see this on the table here?

Kevin, get a picture of this. Oh my God. It says my favorite murder. That's my podcast. And it's Frankenstein pointing at us. Right next to it. Is that even possible? How did your podcast sign the table?

How did your feral audio podcast make its way onto the Earwolf table? You guys, it's so popular that I think there are people with pens going around Los Angeles and just signing furniture on our behest. Oh, no. Uh-huh. Is it saying that the table is its favorite murder? Yes. This table is a serious loss of life. Wow.

Yeah. One thing I want to say, do you have to be kind of a psycho to even work in a field like we do? I mean, think about it. I'm taking other men's lives on a TV screen. I'm creating entire worlds and then sometimes ripping them down just as easily. And you guys are both doing some of this too. Is it only psychos that can actually succeed in the cutthroat world of Hollywood? And it's chicken or egg where am I doing my business and is my business becoming me a psycho because of job activities?

Because of job activities? Or is the psycho going to the business and starting it? It's almost like a chicken-egg situation. Well, it's like a chicken versus an egg. Chicken-eggs. You know, do I have to kill this egg or do I wait for it to grow up and kill me? or do I wait for it to grow up and kill me? I mean, it's definitely a kill or be killed chicken situation here. I mean, everybody who moves here knows that.

And I think when you jump in to the art of play, you have to lose your mind. I think you have to. Don't you think? You can't keep the normal boxes around you. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you. That's so comforting to hear someone else reflect my own thoughts back to me in a much more poetic way. I knew that I was playing and I knew I was making art, but the art of play. And so do you have to become a baby as well as being a psycho?

Oh, I don't think that would hurt. A psycho baby probably has the most power in terms of fantasy and going into that realm of presentation. Like Chucky. Yes. When I watch Chucky or Problem Child who look like Chucky, I think these psycho babies probably grow up to be the most powerful showrunners in Hollywood. Yeah. Steve Levitan.

Yeah, I guess my example would really fit. I don't know. I think it did. I think they both fit Ben Wexler. So anyways, oh, Cody, did you have one more question for the psychopath test? Did you guys know you can buy real chicken online? Wait a minute. For $10, you can buy a whole chicken.

Living? Real chicken. Alive? Real you can buy a whole chicken. Living? Real chicken. Alive? Real. I understand the real part. Yeah, real. It's still walking around. Cody, is this an authentic chicken?

Is it a man-made chicken? It's a brown, real chicken. Brown chicken. Do the eyes blink? That's my question. It's a brown, real chicken. Great question. Do the eyes blink? Because if they question. It's a brown real chicken. Great question. Do the eyes blink?

Because if they don't, it might be a psycho like Hannibal Lecter. That's a sociopathic chicken. It's real. Okay. God damn it. That's the wrong answer. And it's walking around. Oh, wow.

For people who didn't get to see Cody, go into the very beginnings of a chicken pose and then abandon it. Deciding that even in the context of being very silly with his friends, it was going to be too much. It was one big move, one violent thrust. That immediately put a target on his forehead. He knew that that was the wrong move. Yes.

I mean, I would have liked to see a slow motion close up on his face deciding to make the move. And I think around the time his thumbs were hitting the armpit region, his face going, holy shit, what the fuck am I doing right now? I'm about to do a freaking chicken move. Don't do it.

Can I tell my body in time to bail? Oh, good. I don't think anyone saw it. Oh, no. They're talking about it. Karen. Real chicken. Thank you so much for being – to do the show.

Who is Gareth? I guess Gareth would be – when you break my last name down, it means pure little church on a hill. And so I think that would probably be the hill owner back in the old country of Ireland would probably be who Gareth was. That whole hill? Yeah, they own a hill. Can I give you some advice?

I'd love it. You should aspire for Gareth to be the ego. Yeah. The ego must be killed. The ego is your enemy. Yes. Ram Dass says something so fascinating. I don't know what he says, but when he's talking, I am all ears.

So if you could, Karen, kill ego, wow, that's powerful. Now I know what I'm going to sign this table as. Ah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Tell me. Oh, I would probably just put Paul F. Tompkins because it's all over this thing.

Oh, yeah. Okay. We could F. Tompkins because it's all over this thing. Oh, yeah. Okay. We could stand to have another one of those. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production.

Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Adam Sachs, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HateGum Podcast.