Hollywood Handbook - Keith and Jesse, Our Food Explorers

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Sean and Hayes have a secret surprise for Engineer Sam. Then new clients KEITH KINGBAY and JESSE NEIL come to an exotic restaurant with the boys to sample interesting foods.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Monk. You say monk? Uh-huh. So I'm teaching him how to queef with his hands. And I get obviously very scared when I see a bunch of yellow cream shooting out. Because I'm thinking, oh no, he exploded some sort of sack in his hand. Uh-huh, like a Twinkie or something. Well, no, not a Twinkie. I'm thinking like a part of his anatomy. Oh, okay. Like maybe like one of his knuckle sacks. Yeah.

You know, has somehow exploded. That's what I call Twinkies. It's like pinky. It goes pinky, Twinkie. Hither and yon. Yeah. So that, you know. That's how I remember them. But what I was going Yeah. So, so that, That's how I remember them.

But what I was gonna, but, you know, what I wound up learning is this guy's holding mustard. Oh, okay. So, you know, So my original thing

that there was food in there was not that. Stepped on the end of the story? Well, it wasn't that far off from what ended up happening. Oh, yeah? It's Twinkie filled with yellow cream? It's yellowish.

No, it's a yellow cake with a white cream. Sometimes it makes you with the cake. If it's all squashed? Please, Hayes. If it's all squashed up? Please, Hayes. Sometimes it makes you with the cake. You can't mix it with the cake.

Please. It's a clear division. They're two different substances. One's a gas and one's a liquid. Why will you teach everyone else? Everyone else. Except me.

Why do I practice patience with the engineers? With Kevin? With the guests? And with you? I'm so short-tempered. I'm so quick to scold. Yes. Why is that?

Well, let's practice the Socratic method. How come do you think that's why I do that? Well, what I like to think is because it's like we're brothers that we can be. We're like the four brothers. No. That's not right. I mean, we are like the four brothers, but that's not why. That's not why.

We'd be honest with each other. It's because not only do I expect more from you than from the engineers and from the guests and from Kevin, it's because I actually frigging look up to you as somebody who I'd like to be.

You're like a hero of mine. So then when I'm looking at my hero, and he's goofing around, underperforming, not asking himself if a Twinkie's filled with yellow cream before he asked me, I go, geez, this guy's better than that. What's the world going to be like if I let this dude do this? Did this dude just did this? Okay. Let me try to use the Socratic method on this. Please. Doing it with my hand. Yeah. And that's his hands

doing that sound. You were right. Yeah. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and inside this guy's a kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line by colleagues in this industry we call showbiz. Sam, I know we told you we were going to do an intro about candles. That is not what we are here to do today. No, even though we could and it would be very good.

And maybe we should. No, let's not. What we want to do with Sam today, it's been you a lot. What up, what up. It's been Sam lately. It has. It's always a little thing where I walk in here, I'm like, oh, who's it going to be today? I think a little bit like, what's it going to be when I walk in today?

I think, you know what, I think, how's it going to be? When I say out loud, I'm going to get out of there. And so. I wonder, what are we fighting for? And so I wonder What are we fighting for Wanna taste the salt Of your skin

Is that Third Eye Blind? I hate that So disgusting The sounds of oblivion And so this is what I'm talking about, Sam This is actually what I'm talking about If Brett were in here How's it gonna be?

Because Brett pretends to love music Brett would be like Oh yes, that's Third Eye Blind When you don't miss me Oh, that's some of the music that I like I just saw Third Eye Blind two weekends ago So then why did you ask if that was I wasn't sure if that was one of their songs

What, did they not play this? They didn't play this? I assume they did From when Dawson's having a heart-to-heart with Pacey He just found out Pacey's sleeping with his teacher And they're in the friggin' supply closet of the school. It's maybe the fourth episode.

Seventh grade. And he's like, how's it gonna be, Dawson? And Dawson doesn't know. They're kids. So this is what sort of I want to say. Yes. Brett has pretending to enjoy music and being from Germany.

Cody has... Being covered in all kinds of... Scabs and bruises and his brain's in backwards. Yeah. That's right. You have... What? Motorcycle tattoos.

Motorcycle. I guess he's got motorcycle tattoo, but he's wearing a cardigan today. Yes. And his brand is very confused. And it's starting to just get very yellowed. It's messy, yes. I mean, the cream is mixing with the cake. Yes, your cream is mixing with your cake.

Physically. What we want to do is try to streamline your brand and come up with something simple that's hooky, that we can all grasp onto and enjoy the ride. Yeah, I would really like that. Yeah, and now if you'll notice when you came in, I sort of spontaneously came up with sort of a theme song for you. Hayes will be hearing it for the first time right now.

And maybe this will give Hayes some ideas. This is just what I did when Sam walked in. This is true. This is when he got off the elevator. I went, Sam! Da-da-da. Da-da-da. He's an engineer.

Okay. That's a really good start. I know. There's a lot of detail there. There's a lot for me to play off of, which is great in this exercise. It sort of sounds like Uptown Funk. No. Oh.

What does it sound like? Sam! He's an engineer! I don't know the song. That's Brett's thing. Slam Bionics? I know that song. Yeah, Sam, you knew whatlam Bionics? I know that song. Yeah, Sam,

you knew what it was, right? It's like a jock jam. Slam! Da-da-da, da-da-da, let the boys be boys. Sticky Fingers and Fredro Starr?

I remember Fredro Starr. He was... You don't remember Sticky Fingers? No, I just remember Fredro Starr. Please give me a break! So,

but still, this is a great, so that you can be a guy. Sticky beans have a better voice. Who slams, let's think of slamming Sam, slamming Sammy Sosa. Well, hold on, hold on. Chicago stuff, I know, is always sort of a thing with you already. He kind of likes that because he wears a Milwaukee Brewers hat, which is kind of like

trying to pretend like I've been to Chicago. Like fat and like crazy. They tell every guest they used to live in their apartment. Oh, that's right. That is what happens a lot in here. A guest will come in and then Sam will say, do you live at the fill-in address? And then the guest will be like,

yeah, I do. And Sam will be like, I live there now. But he does it. He just like, he looks up their address so he can like have that to say. That's like a power play. When they come in, he can say that he currently lives in their apartment. Is his brand that he's a psychological terrorist? You know, I mean, that might be interesting. And it's very, he gets all the information he needs after that because the guy will be like,

oh, like is Stuart still living there? And Sam will either be like, yeah or no. Well, Sam also was recently arrested for calling people saying that the IRS is investigating them for tax fraud. He'd call and he'd sort of go like, hey, you're currently being investigated for tax fraud. You'll be arrested unless you transfer this amount of money to the bank right now. And that was working out pretty well. I'm pretty lucrative, right? Yeah.

It's going pretty well. It is illegal, I found out. Is your thing like catfishing? I like a little fun scam. Mm-hmm. Oh, scamming Sam. Yeah. Scamming Sammy Sosa?

Da-da-da. Da-da-da. He's an engineer another thing I saw him do is kiss his girlfriend outside the Earwolf gate maybe two weeks ago seems like you could do it inside the gate

so that Hayes doesn't have to watch but maybe that wasn't the point so I don't get gate stuff all over my face as I'm trying to see what kind of if it's a real kiss. Yeah. I don't even think I'm wrong about this.

I think it was sort of a death perception trick where like his face is in front her face is going past him but it looks like they're doing a kiss. Like when I pretend I eat a broom. Mmm yum. I'm hungry for this um I eat a broom. Mmm, yum. I'm hungry for this ummi nummi broom.

Yeah. Scrub, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of, would you sort of have an idea of what Harry Potter was? It was something you thought Harry Potter did. Yes, that was when I was, like, being Harry Potter, and I was considering going as him for All Hallows' Eve.

like being Harry Potter, and I was considering going as him for All Hallows' Eve. And so what I did was I got some Urkel glasses and some Urkel suspenders. Yeah. And I hiked my pants up all high like Urkel. You tattooed a yin-yang on your forehead. I put a yin-yang up there. And I would walk in and I'd go like, I'm hungry for brooms. And then I'd sort of pretend to eat it and be like, Harry Potter in the house. Uh-oh, hope I don't do the bird.

And then I would sort of do this like bird dance I was working on at the time. And then I'd bob for apples. Because what I had seen was my friend who had read Harry Potter. Yeah, and he saw the cover of the book, which has a bird.

It has him holding a bird that is maybe about to eat. To me, it looks like he's looking at that thing like it's for lunch. So he seems to be friends with the bird or maybe jealous of the bird, wishing he could dance like it does, which is what I assume the story was. And he's looking at the broom like, oh, man, I'm going to tuck into this later on. But this is a Sam, I mean, that's your thing.

Yeah. So we can't give that to Sam. Sam, you can't do that. I mean, people will know. He likes to Sam. Sam, Sam, he likes to scam. He likes to kiss whenever he can. He's obsessed with kissing.

Sam, Sam, he likes to scam. He likes to kiss. Oh, goddamn. Would you look at that? He's pushing a pram. He should have a baby. Sam, you have to have a baby. You're the dad.

Yes, Sam daddy. You're the dad engineer. You're the engineer who's like all about being a dad. And you're always like, I didn't get that much sleep. My kid was keeping me up. But I love him. It's rewarding. But man.

And you do these sort of playful jokes where you go like, do you have kids? And if somebody goes, no, you go, don't. And with the tattoo, Sam, people will flip. People will flip when they see. Hot dads with tattoos. Young hip dads. Hot dads with tattoos. Yeah.

At Disneyland. Do I comb his hair into little mohawks? Yes. You're a tumbler. You're a tumbler. You're the hot engineer dad with the tattoos with the kid. And the mohawk kid. Oh, Sam.

I like this. No kidding. Everybody likes it. We just saved your life. You were going down a dark path, Sam. I like this. No kidding. Everybody likes it. We just saved your life. You were going down a dark path, friend. I haven't been doing well. No, I know. No, no.

That's what the meeting's about. Yes, it's for a big reason. Thank God I came up with that song that's very recognizable. I can't believe Hayes doesn't know that. It's one of the biggest songs ever. Brad's not touching that territory. Can I still do, like, dad jokes? Well, what are you, give me an example.

Like, if I'm paying a bill somewhere, and there's a tip, and I'm like, oh, here's a tip, you know, and I say a funny joke. Well, you'd have to have the joke. I can't just imagine that part of it. Here's a tip, like. Don't eat yellow snow, I would say that. Here's a tip of what? No, like the waitress I would have to receive.

Sam, you're a father. You can't be taking the tip of your penis out of your pants and going, here's a tip. That's tough. I'm at a sandwich shop last week. There's a sandwich called Just the Tip, and it's like roasted tri-tip or whatever. So Sam likes it. Now I know who

orders that. Didn't even let me guess. I had to watch a guy order it. We have a guest. Two, I think. I don't know. I don't know these guys. What's their name? Keith and Jesse. On Hollywood Hairbook. Hollywood Hairbook. Hollywood Handbook.

So, I'm throwing out pitch one. I don't know what they call that either. I say original throw. Yes, I'm doing the original throw. For the game, the big game, whichever one. Whatever say original throw. Yes, I'm doing the original throw. For the game, the big game, whichever one. Whatever those guys are. But just as I'm about to go... Tight trousers. And I've practiced

throwing a rock at a barn. But right as I'm going out, they say they want me to do it as Stewie. Oh, Hayes What a dream But at this I thought it was

I thought it was a dream Well, because you're the perfect guy for that I mean, you're Stewie Walk You're Stewie Talk I know, but how do I do Like, I haven't practiced ever throwing the pitch As Stewie Because he hasn't done that.

So I sort of waddle out there. Has he and Brian ever gotten into some sort of old-timey baseball thing with all their mishaps? I don't know the show. That's right. I forgot. I watch this other guy that does all the voices, and I do his voices better than he does, much to his chagrin.

To make him upset. So I sort of do like sort of a baby thing out there. I've never really seen him walk because I have to do the show, so I crawl, whatever, do like sort of a baby thing out to the mound. It takes a long time. And then I'm throwing a pitch, and I'm like, ooh, I hope this baseball hits mother in the head. Right, yeah.

Kills mother. Your mother? Stewies, I guess. Okay. I know. When I was saying it, I was like, is this my mother? Yeah, well, that's pretty sick stuff. Because I'm saying it's me.

It's so funny. I only know the show through you. I know. So as I'm sort of realizing like, oh, yeah, you don't really know the show. I'm going like, I don't know if this story is you doing well or doing poorly. And so then they're like, now do Peter. Oh, Hayes, what a dream for you. Well, because I've been wanting to try Peter.

Yes. Well, you've got Stewie down so good. You were like, I bet I could do all of them. I could wanting to try Peter. Yes. Well, you've got Stewie down so good, you were like, I bet I could do all of them. I could probably really try Peter. So I'm like, Got him. Watch baseball. Yeah.

Kind of like that. Because he's like, he doesn't know what different things is. He's, oh yeah, no. You've told me before that you think he might't know what different things is he's oh yeah no you've told me before that you think he might not know what some stuff is and so we keep doing it with the alien uh-huh roger the alien yeah and then we just then we do the show hey welcome to hollywood handbook sorry before we get into it were were you being Roger just being Roger, or were you being Roger in one of his disguises? I was being Roger as a disco man.

Thank you. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Showbiz. Showbiz. I'm up here. You need to be up here.

Showbiz, what up, what up. Showbiz, showbiz. Showbiz. I'm up here, you need to be up here. Showbiz, showbiz. Here's an exciting thing that we do today. We're doing something fun, and it's the show. A show from a different place. For you to listen to. We had Sam bring the table to a place where they already, I don't know really how to get into this. We got tables, and another place has tables.

Let me figure this out. What has tables? Well, we're in a building that is a TV-watching place. Yes. You look up, see the TV. You look down, see the table. The table, and there's sometimes laminated paper around. Yes.

With cursive writing, and you have to say, paper around. Yes, but... With cursive writing, and you have to say, excuse me, sir, what is this? So... Give me one that's not cursive, please. Yeah. No fooling. I'm not talking to you right now.

No fooling. I'm just reenacting a conversation from earlier. And he's waiting. So what we had them do at this place, which is a place for doing eating food, and we said, can we get a table there? And then we realized we wanted our own table. And then we said, can we get a private room there? And then we realized we wanted the room to be soundproof, much like the Earwolf Studio.

And so we did recreate the Earwolf Studio, which you'll see in the photographs, but please do know that we are actually inside a fancy food spot. And we were like, can Sam come? Yes. I'm like, yeah, I guess so. Yeah. So a lot of people around the world and in the country and— This is interesting.

This is interesting. Go ahead. And in the United States— This is really interesting, and this is my. This is interesting. This is interesting. Go ahead. And in the United States. This is really interesting, and this is my favorite thing about it. Have not known, really, about all the foods that you could eat. We like to explore food. We don't talk about it on the show that much because food is not Hollywood. It's not movies.

It's not TV. But what if it is? Yeah, and some of the people that do make food, John Favreau made a movie, Chef. I hope you all go see it. It's in theaters right now. Then the movie was food. And we also talked about Burnt that one time.

So remember when I said we didn't talk about it? It's in theaters right now. We did. We do. Please see that. We like to explore food. We like to... Food, in many ways, is the new music.

Yeah. Chefs are like famous rock stars. Yes. Only you get to eat the music. Yes. And it's more expensive. And once you eat it, it is gone. Once you have it one time, it's gone forever.

You have to get it again. And you're busy. So people like Aziz loves food. Sean has this thing about how rock stars aren't busy. They're not. We don't have that. I just want to explain to people what you mean. They're busy.

Oh, am I busy right now? Ding, ding, ding, ding. Doodly-doo-doo-doo. I just played a freaking whole concert. So Aziz likes food. Yes. He has friends who like food. Erich Werheim and all these guys like food.

And can we be famous people who like food? Yeah, we can. We're doing it right now. Yeah, we actually can, and we already are. And we're friends with the chefs. So, we brought along some guys. And we could like Chick-fil-A for a long time too until we suddenly stopped talking about it altogether.

Because we have friends who are guys, who are cool guys. Yes. And we're not eating alone. It's not sad. No, no. And it's not just us and Sam either. We have these guests who we have discovered, comedy guys who we found,

and they're just going to be so funny soon. And their names are Keith and Jesse. It's Keith King Bay and Jesse, go ahead and tell me your last name. It's Neil. Jesse, no, your last name. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jesse, I need your last name. I know, and it's Neil. And, no, your last name. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jesse, I need your last name.

I know, and it's Neil. And this is like the two-man show. This is sort of the who's on first kind of thing that they do. So, guys, go ahead and launch into it and just make us laugh really quick. With the who's on first bit? No, no. Because we can do the who's on first. Good luck tricking me with that one again. Yeah, yeah, right. Okay, we're going to do a bit that's the who's on first. Good luck tricking me with that one again.

Yeah, yeah, right. Okay, we're going to do a bit that's not who's on first. Okay. Who's on second? What? Who's on second? I don't know. Okay.

So, okay. That was really strong. Whovain's on first, you know? That's what... Yeah, again, I don't think that reference is going to... Kevin Whovain? I don't think it's going to land again. Wow.

You guys were talking about movies with food. Did you guys ever see Spanglish? I feel that Adam Sandler connection to Hollywood is really a big thing. That connection is really becoming huge. He's starting to be one of Hollywood's premier people who is actually part of, connected to it. Even though he's not officially there yet,

we need to see a couple movies out of him. And what was the food from Spanglish? Spanglish muffin? A lot of sandwiches. A lot of sexual tension with food. Who was that? A lot of food play. Was Paz in that?

Which one? Who was in that? Paz? Which Paz? Paz? Paz. Paz Vega? Paz de la Huerta?

Yeah, yeah, both of them. They both did the same movie. Ooh, I'd hate to make the call sheet for them. Is Paz here? In the restaurant? Si, si what? And Hayes is kind of showing you how easy it is to do what you do. I can actually do do with just myself

that he could do your job but you can't do his and there's only one of me and I'm doing both of the guys and that shit fucking rocked so let's talk a little bit about the food we're eating and guys if you want to start talking about mouthfeel um

aromature spice smells and, different sort of, uh, how crunchy it is on the most scale of hardness. Um, if you could compare it to things that people, our listeners will understand like rocks and sticks and bugs and dogs.

Gotcha. Um, I don't... Do we know what this is? Dive right in. Do we know what that is? We should say first, this is a super exotic place we've gone. This food is from...

I mean, what's the politically correct way to say this? I feel like it is changing every day. Opposite of America almost. Yeah. The safe way I'll say it is their alphabet's mostly symbols. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Right? I can't get in trouble for that. And they also use symbols. They would acknowledge that. A lot of symbols, the music. Mm-hmm. Sometimes when they're appearing in a room. Is that crazy? Okay.

No, that seems really fair. Do you guys have any other ways to describe some of these guys? Probably not crazy. I feel like we don't want to offend anyone. Probably wouldn't use the words crazy. I'm not saying that the guys is crazy. But like different. But you're saying they're different.

One of them might be crazy. They could act crazy. Yeah, one of them could. I don't want to touch this at all. This food? Not Jesse Neal. Hi, sorry. I'm just looking at large chunks of garlic.

I'm wondering what this dish is, I guess is where I'm at. Okay, so one thing that if you're really into food is you sometimes want to be so adventurous and surprised that you order something that you just wonder what it is the whole time. And this is what Anthony Bourdain was doing and continued to do. He'll go into the restaurant, and he doesn't even know what kind of food is in there. All he knows is that his location scouts went in ahead of time and made sure that there was room for the cameras to be set up

and that none of the food was going to taste bad. But he's going in completely blind. And he doesn't care if it's for poor people mostly. Now, this Anthony Bourdain, he's like Guy Fieri. Is he like that? Is it Fieri? Fieri? He's like, yes.

Confetti. Yeah, Guy Confetti. Guy Kung Fieri. The Fiat should do a car with this guy. That'd be terrific. And it's got sort of a yellow top. And big spiky hair on the top for no reason. That's kind of what I was saying.

That's obviously what I was getting at. I mean, I said spiky. You said and. As if it was a new idea. It's like a separate thing. We really want to make you guys pop, and we've been waiting for the right time to sort of release you guys onto the world. These guys are so funny.

They do these Who's Our First things and all this stuff. Their stuff is really good. Do you want to see Who's Our First again? No. No. So, and what we've been doing, because we're sort of managing them right now as part of our shingle. What's this shingle, this management shingle called? This one's called Funny Managers.

Because unlike the other ones, the managers are actually funnier than the clients at the time. Actually way better. Yeah. The managers are actually funnier than the clients at the time. Way better. Yeah. The managers are actually funnier even than most of our clients. So what we've been doing is sort of managing these guys and getting them ready and grooming them. And you're going like, wow, these guys are guests on this huge show. Yeah.

But I don't necessarily know them, how that happened. And it's very intentional that this is when we're sort of springing them, so it's their moment to shine. And if they could come up with a funny way to describe the food or anything, that would go a long way. Cool, cool. For example, springing up Guy Spaghetti, this over here is like Spaghetti, but it's not red.

So what's a name for something like that? Is that Chicken Alfredo? Is that what we're talking about? No. Oh, okay. That doesn't describe Chicken Alfredo. It's sort of like yellow, yellower Spaghetti. Well, what it really is is...

It's in the Spaghetti family, and it lacks the redness of traditional Spaghetti. But you wouldn't call it Yellow Spaghetti. I don't know whether to... Can you say China anymore? Can you say... See, this is what I was worried about, is, like, I think you're, like, not... I want to call it China Spaghetti.

China Spaghetti. I mean, that is definitely what it is. It's just a matter of are we allowed to tell people that? Here's the thing. If I get confused, I just take a picture, put it online, ask people to make sure it's right, that sort of thing. What's this? Well, what's some stuff you've taken a picture of?

That's a good idea. Take a picture, put it online. What's this? What's some things you've found out what it is by taking a picture of and putting it online? Mostly not food. It's like animals What's some things you've found out what it is by taking a picture of and putting it online? Mostly not food. It's like animals or creatures.

I don't understand. What are some of the creatures that it turned out to be? Like a dead dog. Okay, right. Because you were like, this looks like a dog but it's not moving.

It's missing part of its head. It was very hard to tell from a still frame picture but they figured it out. But just tell me what it is. That's all I want to know. Now people at home are listening

and they're getting hungry. Yeah. tell me what it is. That's all I want to know. Now people at home, our listeners are getting hungry. Yeah. I think maybe I'll load up the stomach with a bunch of bugs. And please. Throw that out the hood of my car. Please nobody try to equate a dead dog and the fact that we're eating food that is from a different country. No, I'm talking about this being. Please, Hayes, don't do that.

It's American, guys. Nobody do that. No, I know what you're saying. and I'm saying don't do the other thing because it'll get in a lot of trouble. Actually, no, right from wrong. I think that's good. What is? I think it's good they eat that stuff.

Good for them. I think it's great. Honestly, more power to you. Stop biting the mailman. I don't like that dogs do that. Okay, Hayes. Please don't get off on a rant. They need a punishment. Stop biting the mailman. Please don't get off on a

rant. Marmaduke? Somebody eat marmaduke for once. Just once. There's one time I wish somebody would eat marmaduke. Jesse, do you have any upcoming projects? Remember Mama June? I remember Benny and June Jesse do you remember Benny and June?

Do you have any upcoming projects? I don't know what Benny and June is I'm going to start there Jesus you guys are making me feel old today How old are you guys? We don't really know. I, of course, was found in a farm. Found in a farm?

Mm-hmm. How old were you when you were found? I had to be 16, 17, because I was carrying big bales of hay. But no older than that? That's like, those are the two years where you could be carrying big bales of hay. But no older than that? That's like, those are the two years where you could be carrying big bales of hay.

I mean, I don't know, man. Why? Did you carry hay at a different age? You're going to fucking blow up my spot right now? I'm going to say

I think you could carry hay right now. That's very sweet. I mean it. That was really sweet. I didn't see it taking a sweet turn like that. That was really, really nice. Jesse, that's really nice. You mean it. That was really sweet. I didn't see it taking a sweet turn like that. That was really, really nice.

I mean, I see that's really nice. You're being a really big sweetie today. You are such a sweetie. You gotta stop. What? You stop. A cute little sweetie you turned out to be. Come on.

Did you guys get way too many peanuts in your dish? Oh, God. Keith, we're gonna get freaking arrested. Check your privilege. Keith. Check it at the door freaking arrested. Check your privilege. Keith. Check it at the door, man. When we come here. The coat girl will have it for you when you leave.

Oh, no. Coat person. Coat person. One of the reasons we come here is to explore other cultures. Okay. And then just eat a little food and then leave forever. Mm-hmm. To sort of poke at some of the stuff that we think is weird,

try some of the stuff and go like I can't believe this is and then later we can be like I had that and so I know those guys and they're friends with me now just checking it off a list right and talking to the owner a little bit and being like that was good

so then when you talk to your friends you can be like oh I actually am friends with the owner there can we settle something? Do you guys know what song I'm doing? This is Engineer Sam. I wrote a theme song for him today. He did not recognize the theme song. Okay.

So I'm going to do the song right now. Okay. And try not to necessarily make me feel old. Sam. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. He's an engineer. Does that remind you of any songs

That you've heard before That was like a statement It reminds me of statements It reminds me of a full sentence No No That's not right Are you guys being for real with me?

You don't remember Sticky Fingers? Who? I don't even know. Was this before or after the barn? Want to feel old? Hang out with these guys. Or be Sean? Yeah.

Want to feel old? Be Sean? Yeah, I'm even too old to do the want to feel old joke about myself, right? Should we teach people how to eat the food? Oh, that's such a smart idea. Let's do that. The way you eat it is with sticks. Now you're going to want to eat the sticks.

Please don't do it. That's when the meal is finished. That's dessert. Do it after. The sticks are not traditionally sweet, but the inside can be very... Sticky? Delectable.

No, not sticky. I'm just saying. They're trying to help you with your sticky thing. Like, that you like sticky stuff. Thing. Good sticky fingers. Yeah. Fingaz.

Sticky sticks. Fingaz. You make the sticks. So your hand looked like a stork. Like the movie Storks. Your hand looks like the movie Storks. Do your hand from the movie Storks and make the stick like a teepee. You are going to want to talk to the stork.

When you turn the stork's mouth to your face to talk to you, do not do it too fast. You will sword your eye. Let me back up a little bit. Your hand should have five fingers and five toes.

I feel like that might be presumptuous. What do you mean? That might be presumptuous. There are people who don't have enough toes on their hands. I'm not checking my privilege, am I? No, you're not. You should check your toe perch. I should check my privilege on the way in so that the comb girl could give it to me on the way in. Comb person.

The world's moving so fast for me. I feel so old. It's a lot of changes. And it just changes what's allowed every day. And I just can't keep track. And I'm not a bad guy. I don't think I'm a bad guy in my heart. Yeah.

But I can't get it right. You don't think you're a bad guy, but everyone else in the world is telling you that you are. And I believe that is the advertisement for Storks. Guys, I feel like I got way too many peanuts in my dish. I really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't see peanut one. To be fair, you ordered a big bowl out of it. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't see peanut one. To be fair,

you ordered a big bowl of peanuts. I don't want to make a big deal out of this. I don't see any peanuts. Okay. I don't think there were enough peanuts.

Hey, hey, hey, I have something. Oh, okay. Think of peanuts, but what if without the T, without the letter T. Oh, no.

And I woke up this morning and I knew I said I'm going to be a little bit dirty today. Can we have that? Can we have that? Can you guys have it for your show? Yeah. Yeah. Well, let me see how it would work in like a two-man. Do you want us to do a bit?

Yeah, let's see the two-man version. Lay a bit on us. But instead of C, do you guys have to be playing characters? So there has to be a little chuff-a-leading into it. And it has to be a realistic, kind of dramatic scene. Okay, down-to-earth, real characters. Real characters, relatable, a little bit of chuff-a-leading into it. Who are these guys?

Okay. Tell me who they are. You don't want us to naturally just slip it into the scene. People don't? Okay. Tell me who they are. Oh, you don't want us to naturally just slip it into the scene. People don't want that. People don't want that. People want exposition. They want to know a lot about you guys.

How long have you known each other? Yeah. Who are you to each other? Can you tell me, why today? Why am I meeting these guys today? Today is the day that we get married. It's a big, it's like, it's a real big thing. Keith plays... But did I think you weren't going to get married? You had a big, it's like, it's a real big thing. Keith plays...

But did I think you weren't going to get married? You had your doubts. Okay. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. And who are you guys?

Keith is... Who's Keith? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Keith will be playing the role of Angela. So Angela. Got it. Angela is... We'll be playing the role of Angela. Because he's Got it. Angela is... We'll be playing the role of Angela.

Because he's Angela. I'm Angela. Keith is Angela. Yeah. Kind of like, you know, I don't want to say corn-fed, but kind of like, you know, middle America. Okay. Maybe we'll let Angela speak for herself. Oh, okay.

But is she that kind of person, or is she a little bit shy? Oh, wow. Well, let's ask Angela. And the answer is she's not shy, so she'll speak for herself. Okay, go ahead, Angela. Yeah, what he said, I'm from middle of America, I'm kind of corn-fed. Okay, okay.

I'm not really liking this. Just give it a second. Yeah, that's all he's said so far. Yeah. And then I am a dead dog. Okay. Uh-huh. Okay.

And do you have a little extra, you know, juice out of you as well? Oh, no, I'm a dead dog. Yeah. Okay, but, I mean, a little something. You got a little bit of a... You know, just a little, like, you know, just a little extra stuff. Like carrying some cargo in the caboose, you know? Oh, okay, yeah.

I'm a dead Boston Terrier. Okay. Alright, but are you also working with you got a butt back there? Yeah, is there? Back in Boston? Maybe

you're the Boston Terrier with the sweet derriere. And that's sort of your claim to fame, you know? And then now I can market this because I know what the poster is. Okay, so I'll just jerk it off. I'll just jerk it off. So the poster is you watching the movie. We don't ever see the movie.

Well, come on. If I'm having that much fun, people got to feel like, wow, I got to see this. The poster is you and it's just blurred out like the entire middle and it just says, want to see what caused this? I'm thinking. I mean, I didn't say the tagline for that. I mean, that could work. It could.

I'm thinking from the side. So we see the light is definitely projecting off the TV onto you, and then it'll look extra good that way. And there's a blur going sort of forward and down and then back up. Yeah.

So it is an animated poster. No, no, no. I'm just describing the line of the blur. Oh, okay. But it is like a hologram. It seems like it's a gift. It's a billboard that's going to kind of wiggle back and forth. It's a billboard on an axis of its own turns while you're driving. Does this team of waiters need to be standing near us the whole time,

or do we acknowledge them at any point? I'm trying very hard not to make eye contact. This place is very great. We were sort of, in cases that didn't go well, them at any point. I'm trying very hard not to make eye contact. This place is very great. We were sort of in case it didn't go well if we could swap them in potentially. We manage all of these waiters.

They're all clients of funny managers. Some of them have a lot of potential. You guys obviously today your name came out of the choosing hat. Yes. Yes. So it's lucky for you, but we have to always be ready because ultimately the quality of the show is what's really important. Right.

Right, right, right. Right. So, okay, so the dead dog and the dude are going to do the... It's Angela, but she is a dude. Yeah, Mangela. Mm-hmm. Mangela and Boston Terrier with a derrier. Can I say Mangela?

Is that okay? That's her name now. Is Tangela a Pokemon? Tangela, is that a Pokemon? Is that something? That's a damn good question. It's something. Now I kind of want to go through, like, is Hangela one?

Sam. Yeah. Type online. Okay, please hold. Okay. Yeah. Start typing. Is Tangela Pokemon?

Yeah. Maybe check Yu-Gi-Oh as well. Is Tangela or is Pokemon Yu-Gi-Oh? Yeah, is Tangela Pokemon Yu-Gi-Oh? Is Pokemon Yu-Gi-Oh? Yeah, he's like a grass-type Pokemon. He's Pokemon. Hey, it's a Pokemon.

Wow. All right. So you guys should Hey, it's a Pokemon. Wow. All right. So you guys should like that, or I don't know. Yeah, the waiter's like that, huh? I'm sorry, could I also ask a question? Ask something to be typed? Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Could you type Tangela evolution next? Yes. And we can't edit this out. I'm sorry. I'm going to need one of these guys in for Jesse. That was bound to happen.

I was going to suggest that very soon. Even if Keith and Jesse just switch chairs. No, no, this is what I want. This is what I want. Okay. I want the most Americanized one of you. I don't want anyone with any kind of accent. Jesse, up.

Thank you. You are up. You sit down. Okay. And then now the waiter's sitting back down. Okay. Who are you? What is your name?

Keith, meet your new writing comedy partner. Oh, hello. Hey, how's it going? Oh, you sound so much nicer. Oh, hi. How are you? Hi, my name's Neil. Okay.

Okay. What's your last name? Keith. Okay. Okay. What was your last name? Keith. Oh. This could work. Keith and Keith. Okay. It worked for you talking you two to me.

That could be good. The Scots. The Keiths. That shit's off the chain. What you are, you'll just snap right into this, but you are playing a scene where you are you'll just snap right into this but you are playing a scene where you are

a dead boss and terrier with the terrier with the derrier with the derrier I like that and then yeah good and

fucking Jesse should have gotten that and you are marrying Tangela Mangela yeah Tangela Mangela Tangela the Pokemon she's a Pokemon

and then you're gonna do some chuff up top, and then you will get into his peanuts joke. Oh, right. About peanuts if you drop the T. Gotcha. Gotcha. I didn't think we'd ever get married.

I didn't think this would ever happen. I can't believe this is happening to us. Tangela, you've made me the happiest dog in the world. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I look into your eyes, and I see decades of joy. This should be more Pokemon stuff. This should be more about Pokemon. Maybe throw, like, a freaking Pokemon egg or something.

Maybe throw like a freaking Pokemon egg or something. When I look into your derriere... This part's pretty good. When I look into your derriere, I only see stars and happiness and rainbows and... Rainbows, that's rando. That's freaking rando. That's like Skittle stuff. I want to catch you with a Pokemon ball all day, every day. Okay, Pokemans don't do that. Pokemon trainers drop the Pokemon. Tangelo, if there's one thing I know about Yu-Gi-Oh,

it is that it leads to a lifetime of joy and happiness. I will let you catch me in your Pokeball at all times. Okay, well, the dead dog wouldn't be in a Pokeball. That's just a hug. I mean, I love you. People are going to hate this. Are you aware that I'm a dead dog? I want to be clear about that before we move forward.

Okay, hang on. How do I feel about this? I guess I was wondering, like, do they know? I'll see what Tangela says. What? What? I'm a dead dog. I know it's convincing.

I'm dressed in a tuxedo for our wedding day, but I'm in fact a dead Boston Terrier. The juiciest. The juiciest. The fuck is wrong with you? Wait, Angela. Wait, I invited my family to this. No. My friends. No. Other

dead dogs. Oh. Wait, you knew the other dead dogs? Okay, so he's friends with dead dogs, but don't marry one. Well, I can relate to that. Angela, before you go away, think about, like, if the word peanuts didn't have the

T in it. It's not earned. Okay. Yeah. If there was a little more chuffa, maybe. You're not convincing me with that laugh. Did not earn the joke. Do you guys want to hear? It should be the wedding menu.

We're looking at the wedding menu. Oh, it's supposed to be peanuts. Where's the T? Here's my joke. The appetizer is supposed to be peanuts. Hey, here's my joke of peanuts without the tea snoopy and wood sock that's good kill zone i was very smart you have to be very smart oh yeah no and that's my thing is a lot of my stuff's very Cerebro.

Do you guys want to talk at all about comic book culture, Suicide Squad, The Magnificent Seven remake? Oh, how thankful we are that Trump hasn't figured out that he could call her sillery. God damn, I never even thought that he could call her sillery. Yeah, because it sort of sounds like silly and it sort of sounds like celery, which nobody likes. She could call him Tronald Dump. Oh, no. You got to email Obama that. I try.

You got to email Obama that. Sam, get the computer. Yeah. Get to typing. Do you have it ready? It's on email. All right, so open the email and write this. Is Tangela a strong Pokemon? That's the title of the front part of the email?

It's the address. Mm-hmm. Is Tangela a strong Pokemon? Okay. At? President's house. Dot biz. Isn't that a funny end of a friggin' thing?

Mm-hmm. We're doing some really funny ones now. Yeah. Dot skiing. Okay. That just about ruined me. Anyway, finish your... What do you want me to type for the front page?

Uh-huh. Say... This is not Jesse's idea idea or even some chinese waiter this idea is from sean clements and please do pay him accordingly wait do you guys think that i'm jesse hmm do you think that i'm i'm neil keith yeah no i know you're neil keith yeah you know who jesse is no he's right there What do you know him from? Literally nothing. He has done nothing. Does he have any projects coming up? No.

Okay. Keith, do you want to talk about some of the projects you have coming up? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm shooting a movie in December. Uh-huh. I'm shooting a second movie probably a month after. Okay, two movies. That's a double more than Jesse.

Just a little bit more. Is it awkward for Jesse to be standing on a group of waiters while I'm still sitting here? Standing on a group of waiters? He does, yeah. He is on their shoulders at the moment. A cultural thing. Oh, right.

They can't let his feet touch the ground. That's so weird that every time when you go to their house, like, they have to pick you up by your shoes. Their house. Huh? Their house? Yeah, China. Yeah.

What is wrong with this tea? It's a lot of peanuts. It's some kind of crazy color. It does have a lot of peanuts in it. It's lot of peanuts it's some kind of crazy color it does have a lot of peanuts in it it's full of peanuts I'm thinking I'm thinking you guys got each other's orders

right I also said no green M&M's at the oh no at the beginning oh that's in your rider that's in my restaurant rider yeah but it's actually just because you have a lot of technical aspects to you eating dinner

that you want to make sure they don't mess up. I want to make sure they're paying attention. I want to apologize to you all because as I was a waiter up until very recently, I was the person who served you a lot of this food. Oh, yeah, that's right. I guess we could ask you, what's with the peanuts? Keith, Neil, what's with the peanuts? Okay, so a lot of people have peanut allergies,

Peanuts. Keith, Neil, what's with the peanuts? Okay, so a lot of people have peanut allergies, and this restaurant kind of seeks to get rid of the peanut allergy by getting rid of the genes for the peanut allergy. You follow? That's so sick. It's a little messed up. Oh, God.

But, like, if you tell us you have an allergy of any kind, we'll just load it up because it's— Keith, I wouldn't want to spend five minutes inside that head of yours. My name's Neil. Right, Neil Keith. Do you want me to get one of the other waiters? No, no, no. Because I don't feel like I'm vibing here.

Do you guys ever feel like you go to a food truck and it's just not that good? Oh, God. Let's go. Let's dive in. Let's finally get in on it. Let's dive in. This fucking dude rocks. Yeah, man. Let's go. Let's dive in. Let's finally get in on it. Let's dive in. This fucking dude rocks. Yeah, man.

What's with that? There's a line around the block. There's a line, yeah. They're cooking in this little metal box, and it smells like heaven right up until you take the first bite, and uh-oh, it's freaking ding-dong-dum-do. It's freaking doo-doo, baby. Yeah, and it's closed. And it's closed, and there's nobody there.

I mean, the most frustrating experience, and you're eating a tire. It's unbelievable how they do that to you. But Koji changed the game. Koji eventually did change the game. Koji Iwahara. Yeah. Koji eventually did change. Koji Iwahara.

Yeah. What do you guys think about when you're, well, how do I say this? China. No, no, no. So if you have a kid that you find in a farm carrying hay, do you think he's a good guy, even if people kind of think maybe he's a bad guy? Why do people think he's a bad guy? I think it's a big part of that equation. You know what I mean?

I guess because he didn't really check his privilege with the co-crawler. I'd consider you a good guy if you say repeatedly that you're not a bad guy. Yeah, that's most of what being a good person is. It's just like... Most of the things in life you are if you just claim it. People don't do that enough to say I'm actually really good. People need to do it good ways.

Yeah. Can you guys launch into some kind of two-man riff about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you want, like, a who's on first kind of thing? Yeah. Okay. Who are the characters?

Do it for him, but not for me. I don't want that. He does not like this kind of stuff. But he does, so maybe take some of that stuff to him. And then what do you want? How can I tailor to you? I like stuff that is very absurd. Okay.

Okay. So we'll get a classic Abbott and Costello bit for Sean. Uh-huh. Oh, you know what? I changed my mind, though. He wants something absurd. I want something that's very sort of precious. Like the movie? mind, though. He wants something absurd. I want something that's very sort of precious. Like the movie?

No, no. Like a lot of movies, though. It's like pleased with itself. Yeah, it likes itself a lot. It likes itself more than I do. Smarmy. You want smarmy. No, I'm getting plenty of that.

Marvel. No, I'm getting plenty of that. More like sort of like Wish I Was Here. This is the director. Being the director. People just work a long day at their job. They just want to come

go to the movies and just have a nice time and just enjoy themselves. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then also the director's doing this. People want to see themselves up there. Yeah.

They don't want to see some muscle man holding a helicopter off a building. That's not their experience. Could I do that kind of stuff? Sure. Of course I could do that. But, like, what about real life? Is that interesting to anyone? So a two-man bit.

Abra Costello style. Yes. But like, anyone can do that sort of move. But absurd. And also a little bit like Precious. But like Precious. Precious. Okay, okay.

Who are these guys? I'm a dead dog. Okay. I like that it's diverse.. Got it. Okay, okay. Who are these guys? I'm a dead dog. Okay. I like that it's diverse. Seen it. My name is Precious, but not from the movie. Right. Got it.

That is the name. It's not the descriptor. The full name is Precious, but not from the movie. Got it. Yeah, all hyphenated. I'm 23, but I act. One of your names is Butt Knot. Butt Knot.

That's a slight dirtiness to me. Hayes is a little dirty today. I do have to apologize. He's not always dirty. You want something that's absurdist, dirty, precious, Abin Kosta. It's when the boys are here. Alright, so

a little bit dirty for Hayes. Hold on. That's not why. You got a real butt knot going on. Okay. Okay. We haven't even established my character. We don't know who's your guy.

I just wanted to use the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My character is a man named Joel who is deeply offended by the word butt knot. Just years and years of abuse with that word. And so it brings up a lot of negative emotion. But also he like, he isn't good with anger, so he just bottles it all up. Does he have any extra juice?

Oh, does he have like a little in the back? Is he packing? No. Not at all? Nothing? That's really all there is to him. Joel with just a hole. You want a cigarette? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Hey man, what did you just call me? I'm sorry? You just said something to me. Oh, no, no, no. you just call me? I'm sorry? You just said something to me. Oh, no, no, no. That wasn't me. That must have been somebody else. Okay. That was really good.

That was really... I mean, that was basically everything we asked for. Calling someone a but not is pretty absurd. Having the story kind of be a lack of confrontation is really a reflection of real life and is sort of a precious thing to do the patter the back and forth

felt sort of like Abra Costello yeah one of them's mad the other one's not that is what they did. Holy shit. Neil Keith, you just crushed this. Well, it's not just me.

It's also Keith King Bay. Or were you saying Neil Keith is the name of the duo? No, no, no. Oh, okay. Do we swap out? Do we swap out King Bay? Do we try to find someone who matches? Is there something I could have done better?

It's like if you just took the spot or you did the bit instead. Oh, he's asking me. Oh, I'm so uncomfortable. Oh, this is so awkward. He's asking me. He's looking right at me. Hey. I think he's.

Do something. I think he's serious. I don't know what to do. Oh, my God. This is mortifying. He's actually asking me. Hey, do something. I think he's serious. I don't know what to do. Oh, my God. This is mortifying. He's actually asking me. Oh, my God. Is he serious?

Is he serious right now? Oh, shit. And this is what we do as managers a lot. Keith King Bay, any relation to Keith Glacier Bay? Bye. Keith King Bay, any relation to Keith Glacier Bay? Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a hate gun podcast.