Hollywood Handbook - Kulap Vilaysack, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Sean and Hayes open up the Teaser Freezer to discuss the hot new teaser for "Criminal." Then KULAP VILAYSACK from "Who Charted" appears to help the guys do a chart of their own.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. swings it as hard as he can. Now I catch the shaft in my hand. Careful you say that. It came out right. Yes. I catch the shaft in my hand and I go, Maynard Keenan. Maynard Keenan. This is a charity car wash. We don't smash

the windshield. What had made him... Well, this is what he said. So mad. He goes, what we do when they deserve it like this, and he sees my eyes get big, and he knows he shouldn't say that word around me.

But he's in too far. He has to finish it to look tough in front of some of his buddies. And so he goes, itch. And I go, now Maynard, I know you're trying to impress Vida Guerra, but that's no reason to use that talk. And I think I told you what would happen if you use that talk.

And he goes, well, I didn't call her one I said she was being a one and I was like, no you didn't I remember, he actually did say he did call her one someone can be being one that doesn't mean that she is one hey, sometimes you're being a one

I know, I know and me as well what a sultry car wash that must have been with Vida Guerra's Brazilian rump steak. The rumpus, yes. It was sultry, but at the end of the day, we raised a lot of money for Kevin Smith's next movie. Did Maynard do any songs about math swirls while he was there? Yeah, it was a lot of sacred geometry. do any songs about math swirls while he was there? Yeah, it was a lot of sacred geometry.

You know, he played the Golden Ratio. He did the entire Fibonacci sequence. So for me, it was a success. It makes math scary, which I like. Yeah, I'm so sick of feeling comfortable around math. Hey! Hi! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking button, dropping names in the in...

Oh. Go ahead. In the in-sider's guide. The insider guide. Because I don't want to have made a mistake. So now it is the insider's guide back hallways of... And I'll just do it again. The insider's guide we call showbiz.

So that's what it is now. so that's what it is now. And that's what it is now. Because the alternative is that I messed up. And so actually that is what it's supposed to be. And of course, at the end of that thing, which Hayes just got right, we all know what I used to say and we just sort of imagine it now. So what is it about this time of year, Hayes, that makes me want to see what's coming up next

for in terms of the tea? Oh, do I want to say teaser yet? Or should we wait? Build up to it? Should we build up to it more? Or should I just say like, in terms of the teasers? It's Hey, somebody getting that text massage. How do I disable? Sam. How do I disable? Sam, how do I disable? Well, you might just want to click your thing over to quiet, can't you? Sound quiet? Yeah, can't you?

But then the teaser won't be able to. But then we can't hear the teaser. Well, that is a problem. Okay. It's coming. Do we like this? I think we could. Maybe the listener feel like they're winning a prize.

Let's hear from them if they like it. Why we decide everything. Yes, I'm so sick of making all the decisions about what people hear on the show. I want more. Just I want it forced on me more. And Scripps has been trying and maybe I just roll over and let them do it. It's February. And you can smell it in the air.

And it's that time of year when there's one guy who is, all his movies come out right now. And you know it's February when Kevin Kopsner is in the movies. And we have a great new movie that's coming out. Mr. February. My only problem with that is it's the shortest month of the year, and I feel like we could maybe squeeze in one or two more of his movies if only he would pick somewhere else. But what a great time, and I get so excited.

And right when I start falling in love and remembering Harriet Tubman, then I also get to go and cool off in the theater with one of my best friends for quite some time, Kevin Kopsner, who I believe solved the drought with a machine. And we have a sample, a little taste of his new movie called A Teaser. It's so cold. This is the wrong one. It's so cold.

La, la, la, la, it's like in my mind. The teaserzer is nice. The Teaser Freezer is great. The Teaser Freezer has good parts. It's educational, we love it. The Teaser Freezer is laughs. The Teaser Freezer is fun. It is for thinking and learning. and having fun with your friends. No cussing.

That's a good one. That's the one that you wanted to hear. We like that one. It's got a lot of interesting stuff in it. It is nice. It definitely has good parts. The other one was fresh. It's educational.

We love it. And not in the way that something is fresh when it comes out of a freezer. Being fresh like a cad. Yes. Like a scoundrel. Like a rake. Now, you were going through that it has good parts. Did we mention that?

Yes. That's one of my favorite things about the teaser freezer as a thing. So many good parts. And we're going to talk about movies called Criminal. And we've all been so excited for it. And if you've managed to escape this teaser up

till now, I feel bad for you. Because it's been everywhere as far as I know. And it's going to even be on this show, which means, okay, now it's really something big. And this teaser has this trailer, this teaser has a special name which is called Remember,

which is something we like to say on the show whenever people almost forget. We say Remember. Remember. And then I'll also add this. From before. And so this is the teaser for Criminal. Helicopter voice.

He's in and out of prison more than half his life. He's got no impulse control. He's unable to calculate the consequences of his actions. He has a total lack of empathy for anybody or anything. He feels nothing. Now this is Kevin playing against type as the meanest guy ever. Well, because he's a pretty heroic guy in general. Can he pull this off?

Yeah, guy's got chops for days. And interesting thing about this character, he's been in and out of prison for more than half of his life, which technically I have as well in terms of being out. He's been either in or out of prison. Yes. For a huge amount of his life.

I've been one of those two things for over half my life. Now, would I be able to play someone who has no empathy for anyone else? I don't know because Kevin Chopsner has chops for days. I maybe have chops for an hour and a half, but a couple days, I feel like I would just get sleepy. So you see the different level of movie star and why they are where they are and why I so much more often I'm behind the camera just calling cut. and why they are where they are and why I so much more often am behind the camera just calling cut.

And he's getting a brain injection. You know who I am? My head. He's lying in bed. His head hurts. My head. Your name is Bill Pope. You're an intelligence officer for the CIA. And so this is the thing that's so messed up

confused we just heard his name is Jericho Stewart now his name is Bill Pope Jericho the criminal is now the name of Bill Pope and then he is now an intelligence officer for CIA which is the opposite of a criminal

yes it's a law doer. You know, I mean, really. It is. It really is. Now, I'd be a fool not to mention that we have done Kevin Chopsner movies on this show before. We did do Three Days to Kill, and he did also get injected with a special, like, brand new sort of serum.

Yes. So this is something where this guy likes having secret needles stuck in him. The guy's good at being injected in a movie because he'll be like, oh, my head. Could I do that? Well, I did it just now, but you get all the lights and the camera's set up and you need to do it for days. And this is well within your peak hours of the day, which is why we do the podcast when we do it. Oh, yeah.

And if a guest is running late or something like that, I think you feel the results at home, which is I just straight up give up. Because before this, you can be a real sourpuss. I'm mad. When I wake up, I'm mad. All this crimes and later stop it and later in the day you get almost too relaxed chilled out well yeah you start to think about island music and things and yeah well that is when i sort of embraced the uh

boob slid team mentality of my youth and uh i just ease into i don't think i'm shocking anyone when i say the vape life which you can actually make a funny symbol with your hands, and it's almost as good as a joke. So I obviously have a lot of different hats that I wear, but for an hour and a half a day, I do wear the hat of just a funny man who's on point, and that's when we record. Your daughter's name? Emma.

Your wife? Jill, huh? What are you doing to me? Hey, look at me. So here's one thing I'm noticing about Kevin Jobs here which is the hoagie that he eats to do movies it's gotten stuck out there and it also may

have gotten a little bit too spicy it has become stuck and spicy there's no water anywhere and a lot of times water can make spicy stuff worse because it just spreads it around. But, you know, his voice, if you remember in Three Days to Kill, when he gets the injection, he was kind of like, water stick into me. And now it's like, what are you guys doing to me? It's just like when you're like, you always don't want to let any air in or out to feed the spice. But the important thing is the words are the same.

The stuff that he's saying is like, what did you put inside me this year? Well, and he's also saying, what did you put in this hoagie? Because is it some sort of like jerk Cajun turkey? He's speaking to the hoagie uh yeah because is it some sort of like jerk cajun turkey speaking to the hoagie master yeah yeah what'd you do to me aren't you too spicy pay attention jan scrooge dutch programmer so now here's another guy that we want to know about 40 seconds into this trailer. Jan Scrooge, Dutch programmer. So Jericho Stewart, Bill Pope, and Jan Scrooge.

So now these are the three characters. And also we've seen two other characters. Yeah, but unless they have a name. Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah. Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman, who is from the Batman movies. And if you remember, he asked the famous question,

why are you being so serious? Now, I hate to bring that up because as I do it, I am, of course once again inviting the joker into my mind and you are and you are always inviting being injected with when you think of him specifically you're in you're voluntarily injecting him into your mind and giving him a chance to cause you to embrace chaos words words don't say. Yes. But when I do see Gary Oldman, I'm sorry I can't forget the iconic moment when he went, why are you being so serious? That's remember from the name of the teaser. That is all we need to know. the name of the teaser.

That is all we need to know. So, what happened was Bill Pope was protecting Jan Skrut. CIA protection. He took him to the safe house. Something happened, Bill Pope.

He died, disappeared, something happened. He's played by Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool's famous friend. They needed, I guess, put Bill Pope's memories in another brain.

And they chose Jericho Stewart, one of the meanest people ever in history, to ever do so many crimes. So I can, I think, simplify this for people who maybe haven't seen teasers or don't know what you mean. Face-off, while a fun romp, was so stupid because you can't do that with a face. If a face comes off, believe me, you can't just put it on another head. They're not the same size. But what they're doing is brain off. This is not including if you go to the fair and get Spider-Man on your face.

No. That works great. That's fine and you can be a tiger for a day. But what I'm talking is Travolta have Nick Cage's face. I'm sorry, Travolta's head's too big. So when you

look at something like this, they're doing brain off where you can do that. Because if it's just the brain juice and memories, you could basically put it anywhere, even in a baby. You're just taking their inside out characters and moving them to a new house. Yes. And we all have the same core inside out characters. There's a number of emotions Yes, and we all have the same core inside-out characters. There's a number of emotions, and different ones are driving the bus at different times. And they look like you. And you can't...

Except for the girls. The girls don't look as much like her, but everyone else has looked like their outside body. I need you to remember. I don't remember nothing. So in the car, he's getting the gun, shooting the gun to surprise everyone. So I had a question.

When he says, I don't remember nothing, is he, who's talking? Whose is it? Is it Bill Pope? Is it Jericho Stewart? Is it Jan Skrut? To say he used a double negative, which I'm a grammar freak,

so I hate that stuff. So that feels to me like they're having him be a criminal. I don't remember nothing. Whereas a CIA man would be like, I ain't remember none of that stuff. You know, because that's actually the grammatically proper term. Yeah. And they go to school, special school, to talk any language. Ten schools.

And they have different passports. They got to change schools every few months and make a whole new group of friends. Car. Car splash. Captain Picard. Hey, swim away. And now he went to visit Girl Godot. Oh, yes.

Who is one of our new favorite movie. She's from Israel. Who are you? And she's Bill Pope's wife. I've got your husband in my head. Why? I've been looking husband in my head. Why? Looking for details that he knew before he was killed. And so now is a good time to explain sort of what's happening in this movie in the teaser, which is almost near the end.

Washington, Berlin, Beijing will be graveyards. People will understand there is a better way to run this world. And they're going to blow up Washington, Berlin, Beijing. Everything in my head made me feel things. Ryan is being wrong. Can you feel what Billy felt? He loves you so much. Chase after him.

No kissing. The last chance or they die. There's too many lives at stake. They don't matter. They do to me. Okay, stop. This is what I was waiting to talk about. Interesting discussion. Gary Oldman

says first part. Or somebody else says too many lives at stake. Gary Oldman says they don't matter. Oh, Gary Oldman. And who does he think he's talking to in a way jericho jericho who famously had no empathy for anyone he feels

couldn't see the consequences of his actions he feels and just did what he wants feels nothing oh does he feel nothing now because he's feeling love for his real person and the lives what do they say they don't matter what does he say they do to me and here's what I think this is really talking to can I get some milk I've heard milk is good for

cause like coats or a Thai iced tea can I get some boba tea yeah he wants the tapioca bubbles so but that's beside the point and i they edited that part out of the scene let me say my major point please it's interesting with all the politics he's saying these lives they don't matter gary old man seems like what he's trying to say is some lives matter more than others to him.

Okay. Remind you of somebody? Yeah. That sounds a little familiar. And Kevin Chaffner is saying all lives matter. You know what I mean? Where some of these people are saying, oh, I guess only my life matters. Yeah.

Or like me and people like me. Me and my friends. Yeah. Let's talk about that. Only us. And Kevin Chopster's going like hang on, hang on. This is a pretty

unassailable point. All lives do matter. Yes. Do you disagree with that? And they're like yeah, basically. We do disagree with that. Yeah, or they're going

don't bring that up. Like, that's what Gary Oldman's trying to say. Showing their true colors and I don't mean anything weird by that. It's just a phrase. Yeah, that's like

a friggin' Debbie Gibson song or something. But, so, yeah. Gary Oldman's going like, only some, let's only talk about some. Kevin Kopsner's like, that's not fair.

And ultimately he's a- It's not fair to everybody. But ultimately he's a warrior for fairness. And I don't think Jericho Stewart would have necessarily felt that way. But I know that Bill Pope, CIA hero, Ryan Reynolds Deadpool's friend, and also married to a pretty hot Israel woman,

does feel that way. They messed with me. Thought they knew what they'd get. But they were wrong. It's getting worse. I always feel like we got out of the teaser just the right time because it's almost like the saliva is causing the hoagie to expand. It gets wet.

It does sound like it's so much harder to get the sound out. And that we're a few minutes away from him straight up not being able to make any noise with his throat anyway. He may be able to bang on a tin drum or something. Well, they were right about the teaser freezer was nice and it was great and it had good parts. Oh, it had good parts. Oh, it had good parts. It's educational. We love it. It's for thinking and learning, having fun with your friends.

And we checked them all off, and we forgot to open it. Well, we didn't have to open it and get inside because this one was actually such a hot teaser that it bust out of the freezer. It melted the freezer. It melted the freezer. But we fix it. Yeah, no, we're gonna go put more wires in. Cool Op is here on Hollywood Handbook.

Hollywood Handbook. So I'm out in the desert standing on top of the San Andreas fault. I have all my tools. I have the drill. I have all the examining technology. I'm ready to go. Who is not there? who is not there Cameron Esposito oh hey again it was a mistake

where I said please come out to the desert to do a boring test with me she thought I was talking about like a boring math test right

and so she went to school oh desert school desert school desert you and even that was wrong but this was dessert you but this oh right she went to dessert school cookie cakes but you are saying this story but i have heard this story before where she stood you up for some kind of meeting whether it was for a boring test whether it was to uh for a dowsing of some kind that was always that was another the same thing she uh thought it was a drowsing experiment which i guess she thought was like drowsy and so she went to sleep sleep school she went to a school for how to go to

sleep yeah so i i'm starting to wonder if she is lying to you and i and i love you it's always why i'm saying this it's always a different she's lying to you she doesn't want to hang out with you and she is coming up with a school every time that she went to instead of where she said she was going to meet you. I don't believe that. I don't want to see it keep happening. I don't want to believe it, but I also don't believe it. Because I haven't heard of Desert U or Desert U.

I haven't heard of a drowsing school. They are all real schools where you go to desert school, you learn how to find water, drowsing school which is interesting because that's dowsing so you would

think that you would know the difference now I am starting to wonder it doesn't totally add up hey welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Buttons and Dropping Bands the red carpet line by Cowboys in this industry we call showbiz and I'm not even going to mention what we used to say after that and dropping names the red carpet line by call is in this industry we call showbiz and Kulop is here

and I'm gonna mention what we used to say after that we have all the we didn't we never used to say anything after Kulop's here no

it sounds like the way he's saying that it sounds like he's like protecting you from something we used to say after your name no it's just after the there's already another show

that has all the jokes of your name about it's like the girlfriend joke. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they call you the widow. Yeah.

And they call you Howlap and so many different things. I have a strange name. Yeah. It's difficult. It's funny. Oh. To talk about. Sure.

The weird names. Yes. That exotic people have. Oh, thank you. Yes, why not mine that for humor? That's right. I'm like a zebra. We don't have to pretend it's three white guys in here.

In fact, we can be proud that it's not. Well, there is three white guys in here. Oh, right. Sam. Sam, could you step out of the room for a moment? I'd like to take it again. Always. Let's think of what are the funny names.

Borat's friend, Azamad Bagatov. So funny. This is really good. Boris Badinov. Shiri Appleby. That's a good funny name. That sounds like a dessert to me. She got unloaded on the show remember

hey she did i know we aren't allowed to talk about this what happened we said we were going to try to get some younger listeners and we should stop talking about loads if only for a week we said that 15 minutes ago. I know, but we aren't allowed to be like, when she brings it up like that. If it comes up organically. Cool Up did bring up loads. I did. Wait, did, I prompted you saying loads.

Yes. Yes. So I'll take that. It's not just nothing. No. What we said was we were just gonna start talking about loads. And we didn't. Yeah.

Okay. I think that's enough names. Coolop. Starting a little late than people usually start, and we thought that you would have this great excuse, and it turned out you were. Kickboxing. I was kickboxing.

She was kickboxing. Exercise. Why is that not a great reason? Seems reschedulable. No, it is not. It's not. Also. My fitness, I need it.

Okay. We're starting to embrace peace on this show. Trying to fitness dress. Thank you. Actually, that's a great t-shirt. Yes. We're always coming up with t-shirts on here. We never see them happen.

Trying to fitness t-shirt. Trying to fitness. Trying to fitness. Yeah. Oh, that's so good. I love doing fitness because I'm trying to fitness t-shirt. You are like a- Then it should be small.

Yeah. Oh, you're holding up a small t-shirt? Mm-hmm. Well, I guess I'll have to get up on my body. I'm wearing it. You're already wearing it. So you did fitness, but it doesn't fit in you, right? It doesn't fit in me.

And maybe that's the end part. Yeah. I did fitness, but it doesn't fit in me. I did fitness, but I still can't fit in this t-shirt. Well, anyway, I don't know that we love being passed on for kickboxing because we're trying to embrace peace. And we've talked a lot about fighting on this show. I, of course, taz out and have a circular fighting style

that is pretty much impossible to defend against. But I've tried to put that piece of me away. He becomes an animal, a tornado animal. I see, I see, I see. That's what you do. That's your move. I taz out, yeah. Yeah, you taz out.

He becomes, he goes to put his arms out becomes so fast he becomes invisible oh wow that's what you see is a cloud of dust that is basically your doom if you're the one who caused it uh does does that happen often in a week let's say in a given week it's rare especially because there's really only an hour and a half of the day that i'm out and about oh okay and you you're very peaceful at home and so it's just the elements you are mad in the morning but i'm pissed off by yourself but alone and i don't want anyone around if anyone it's maybe haze and that's just to bring me my latte that That's not true. No, that's kidding. I drink black coffee. What's with this soy vanilla mocha frappalatticino stuff?

I mean, whatever happened to a cup of coffee? And the sizes, dude. Talk about the sizes. Speak on that. The names of them is funny. Yes, small, medium, large. Nope. Extra large. The other ones. J names of them is funny. Yes, small, medium, large. Nope. Extra large.

The other ones. Jumbo sized. Yeah. And it's a. Yeah. Okay. We can have Sam do it. We'll have Sam do cool up.

Sam, we can sweeten this, right? Like those coffees. Mm-hmm. Stevia. You know, whatever happened to just pour some freaking honey in there. Nobody pours honey into coffee. Bee farmers do. Yeah, I guess they do.

He's right. Yeah, no, you're right. Cool Up, I'm going to ask you that if you are going to show up, please bring your brains. Cool Up. Cool Up. You know, that's fearless feedback, and I invite it, and I'm excited by it. We were getting into a new section. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Cool off. Pardon. Pardon. I don't know how you do it. No, yes. But I did do your show. It's such a fun time on your show, and Sean is going to do it. He's definitely going to do it.

I want to do it. I want to want to do it. Wait, hold on. Yeah. Pardon? So you don't want to do it. I want to want to do it. Wait, hold on. Pardon? So you don't want to do it. He just said that he wants to want to. But that means he doesn't want to. I want to be wanted.

You are wanted. You were asked to do it and then you flaked. That wasn't flaking. I wasn't kickboxing, Kula. Okay. I was at a job. Yeah? Well, maybe it's my job to kick ass.

Do you paint a butt on the bag? Yes. Oh. Just on anything. Oh, wow. You didn't even need him to finish. I paint butts, and I cannot lie. Painting butts.

All right. Speak on that. Well, I find just the human figure disgusting except for one area. Oh, but you want to kick it because you like it so much. Yeah, because it's my vice. Tissues. Yes, sometimes beauty can be infuriating Can't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's true Make you yell at somebody online Yeah Makes you taz out Makes you taz out And don't say it too much Does it prompt that? Because he's already turning in his chair

The chair makes it a lot easier To spin I've asked them to get stationary chairs That sort of lock in in his chair. Oh, God, no. Okay, no. The chair makes it a lot easier. To spin. Sure. I've asked them to get stationary chairs that sort of lock in, but. Scripps can't do that? Yeah, Scripps don't got the budget. Oh, unfortunate.

You do the charts. We love it. Oh, God. I'm looking at the numbers on them and what's being on the top. I'm so into it. We thought, wouldn't it be fun, funny story to do We Do Our Own Chart? And the role reversal. It's part of what's making it pleasing for a listener. That sounds so great.

Okay, you like our show? There's something for you. You like your show and you're just checking out our show? Okay, well, there's something for you too. But if you listen to both, Cool Op something for you. You like your show and you're just checking out our show? Okay, well there's something for you too. But if you listen to both cool op, couldn't you imagine? Your hands are so expressive.

Oh God, I wish they could hear. The power that extend from your elbow out. Yeah, it's quite impressive. Yeah, it moves separately from the upper part. Yeah. Elbow up. It's like a G.I. Joe. Mm-hmm. Yes. So, a fun chart we want to do today The upper part. Yeah. Elbow up. It's like a G.I. Joe. Mm-hmm. Mm-mm.

Yes. So a fun chart we want to do today is, this is a podcast. You get to do a podcast, talk about podcasts on the show. We thought we'd do the chart, the top five Earwolf podcasts that never asked us to be on them. Yes. And that could be interesting for you, and you could sort of weigh in. Do you like this podcast? Sure. Do you think we'd be a good fit for it?

Did they talk about us not wanting us to be there instead? Did we come up in any way? Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay? Okay. You guys usually have a song.

Mm-hmm. Do you have one? Sam? Can you cook something up? How quick can you do a good song? Can you cook something up? How quick can you do a good song about the chart? A chart of podcasts. Top five podcasts that did not ask us to be on them. How fast can I write a song?

And perform. And record, yeah. Well, I don't want it live. And release. Yeah. Yeah, I want it out there getting buzzed. This was a couple days, yeah. Well, I don't want it live. And release. Yeah. Yeah, I want it out there getting buzzed. Supposed to be a couple days, maybe? Okay.

Okay, what if I told you you didn't have a couple days? Or what if I told you you should have started a couple days ago? I don't really have anything. Because we did, we didn't know Cool Up was coming in here. No. But she's got a show to promote. So it was like not that crazy that she would be doing the show this weekend. I think you could put two and two together.

She's making the rounds. Her show's song? Is that what you want? Is it about the thing we're talking about? I mean, it's about charts. Oh, but Jill and Daughter of Property is about charts too? Oh, no, I thought, okay. No, it's about real estate.

Okay. I'm just about, just having a good time. And that's all the time we have for the promotion. We had more in the beginning that was set for it that you kickboxed it away.

It's my fault. I own up to it. So what's the box part of that? Isn't it really just kicking? Right, right. So what's the box part of that? Ah. Isn't it really just kicking? Right, right. But maybe in olden times they didn't have gloves and they used just parcels to protect their hands.

As gloves. Oh, maybe that's how they send the mail to your neighbor. Okay, like it punches it forward. Are you ready? Kicks it, but yeah. Is it a song? Yeah. Right, sorry.

Yeah, I can play a song. Because I noticed you using the computer. Yeah, did you finish? Did you just need a song? It has to have lyrics, so sing over it, please. Top 5 Podcasts don't want us to be on them. Okay. Are you the music guy or is it the other one?

These are the top. What was it? These are the top five charts you didn't want to be on. No, they didn't want us on there. Yeah, we do want to be on there. We do want to be on there. Or we might again. Yeah, try it again. Or we might.

Yeah, we don't. Yes. That's smart smart that's a sick beat these are the top five charts they didn't want no not the charts not the charts this is the chart it is a chart of the top five podcasts that didn't want me and hayes okay okay the cool up probably knows people do it. These are the top five podcasts they didn't want you to be on. No.

That's great. That's the decision to. That wasn't. But you see it. That wasn't. But you see what we're dealing with. You think we're going to get closer than that? It's the kind of thing where if you give him another note, then he'll get further away in a different direction.

of thing where if you give him another note, then he'll get further away in a different direction. He decides to start speaking just as the extremely loud horn cubs. Yes. And the part that's much quieter is. And I know you did that on purpose. So. So. Top five Earwolf podcasts that have never even asked anyone about our availability.

Haven't checked in in any way. How do you know that? Perhaps it didn't reach you. Perhaps you were unavailable. You've been out of the country. You've been out of the state. You were busy men. They, well, okay.

So, what do you want to call it? Because I feel like even if I'm out of the country, my email's going through. I think they're going to have my email a lot of times. They're going to have it. Yeah. So, number five.

Scarborough country. You done that one? I sure have okay and what's the story there? was that cool? yeah it's two twin brothers

really? it was cool okay great real cool gonna do it soon oh doing it again making the rounds making the rounds

roughly how many times would you say you've done it? I believe this will be my third third okay that's more than two like third base a sports thing which is one of the sports things I know about.

Well, Hayes, it's almost as if you know a ton about sports. And the show is sports, right? And you're within the Errol family. I know a lot of these guys. Holy fucking shit. I don't know anything about sports. That's so interesting. See, and that makes me so mad.

Yeah. Because me, you put me on the show, listen to this. That makes me so mad. Yeah. Because me, you put me on the show, listen to this. Shaq, Tiger Woods, Gretzky, Derek Jeter, Pele, CJ Myles, Will Chamberlain, Gretzky, the French headbutt guy, soccer. Oster tag.

Greg Oster tag. And Andre Agassi. And that's every single one. And that is the full conversation. That's all the guys. And if he knows he's going on, he can get that time down. Yes. Yeah, like Sam and the song? Yes.

It's just a little preparation. It wouldn't take me very long. Right. Do you want me to say something? No, we don't want. That's the thing is we don't want you to have to say something. We want them to be excited say something we want them to want you

we want to be wanted yes I want you to want me I think actually the more what I listen to now

because I'm a little kid is the Jason Derulo one you know what I mean and he's saying want to want to want you

and so that's the reference that I would use because I'm a young boy. Yes, you're a millennial. Yes. I'm the one after. I'm like a millennial's baby. You're Z. And I sort of almost have to look after him. Ah, you tend to him.

You're his keeper. But I can be a little sweetie myself. A widdle sweetie? Yeah. I mean, it's true. I can. What do you say to... Is there any truth to the rumors that Hayes is a little sweetie, even though he can act so tough?

I find him to be a big sweetie. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. Hayes. Strong. A strong sweetie. That is sort of what it is.

A muscular sweetie. Yeah. Wiry. Lanky sweetie. Yeah, that, wiry, lanky sweetie. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And then let's talk about me. Sure, let's get there.

Let's get there. What are we thinking? Yeah. Do we find what kind of sweetie, I guess? Oh, yes. Oh, great question. I think you're like a sweet tart. And I want you to-

A sweet tart sweetie? Sweetie. Oh, yeah. A sweet tart sweetie. Sweetie. Yeah, a sweet tart sweetie. Sweet tart sweetie. Because there's a tang to you. Yeah. Right?

And it's not always easy, not always going down smooth. I disagree. I think sometimes you don't want just sweet. It's so saccharine. You want a little, you want a little twist.

And isn't a sweet tart the realest candy? Oh, wow. I haven't thought about that. Like, it's being real. You always know a sweet tart the realest candy? Oh, wow, I haven't thought about that. It's being real. You always know a sweet tart's going to be honest with you. Yeah, it will go up like this. Yes, that's exactly right. I think that's right.

And sinewy as well. Right, okay. A sinewy sweet tart sweetie. Yeah. You're not happy with that? No, it's good. No, I was thinking about my new character that I was maybe going to do for the photos. Photos?

Guy with an okay body who wants to take his shirt off. Who's taking these photos? Is it for the Earwolf website? Sam keeps us here for an extra hour to take photos after we record. So it's for his portfolio and ours. Have you seen this portfolio? No, but I see, I mean, he's making good money off it. It's on a head-mounted camera.

Oh. So he can kind of get involved. The angles are unreal. It's how he can, can like have his hands free I see you know what I mean yes most people use those cameras

to like jump out of an airplane to ride a mountain bike well this experience can be just as exhilarating dangerous and fun and you guys call this

a photo shoot yeah I mean that's what he yeah that's what he's told us and I'm I want to help there's a camera and a gun I want to help the guy get into a good school Sam Yeah, I mean, that's what he's told us. There's a camera and a gun.

I want to help the guy get into a good school. Sam? What are you doing? I feel like you're taking advantage of them. No, I'm making some art. Oh, okay. All right, he's making some art. So, moving on.

Do you guys have a new song for every one of these? For the numbers, too? Are the numbers a song? I mean, there is songs that have numbers in them okay okay the glasses are you got my attention this is when he really wants to listen to something cuckoo oh wow um you know when we have a music chart, there's a new song per entry, right? So it's like best song about number four. Well, yeah. Which one is that? The song where?

Any good four songs? I can think of one, but I don't want to sing it. Can you just say the lyric? Or just say the title of it? It's so lame. And my fear is now that you've put the sunglasses on, you've gotten a little bit too cool. And this is the thing that I worry most about.

And I won't sing a lame song. That we are starting to hear. We're almost at 1 o'clock, which is when it was basically island time for Sean. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, that is when I do initiate sequence island time. What happens in island time? Not a whole lot.

Oh, that's the point, right? Kiddo. Shooting you straight. Coming from the hip. I got to tell you, not. Kiddo. Shooting you straight. Oh. Coming from the hip. I got to tell you, not a whole lot. There's a lot of shooting straight from the hip. When it's island time, which it is not yet.

It is not island time yet. No, it's not. And so I can't sing this lame song. And it's literally the only song I can come up with the number four in it. Does anybody else have one? No. only song i can come up with the number four in it does anybody else have one no i don't know that song buggy buggy would sing it sometimes.

Next on the chart, Spontaneanation. We have the guy on here three times, four times. Well, maybe he only wants experienced improvisers doing his show. Here's my suggestion. Let Janet Varney get some sleep for once. What kind of slave driver is he to make Janet Varney do a show over and over and over again? Let me be Janet Varney one time. Her show. Give his one crack at Janet Varney.

I think he'd nail it. I would do really good. That does seem egregious. Mark McConville might be busy. I mean, I don't know the guy. He may have a family or something. I certainly hope not. I can say something, guys.

Let me say something. Did you do that once? Don't bring it up. South by Southwest. You're doing that one. I'll be the person he interviews. I'm not. Are you doing it because you're an experienced Chicago improviser or something?

No, no, no, no. I'm not. He's interviewing me. I'm not improvising. Okay. So is that better? I guess you've got so much great stuff to say in your interview. So you're saying I'm not saying great stuff now? No, I'm just saying that maybe you're not the only one. I feel attacked.

No, cuckoo. I called you a sweet tart sweetie. S you a sweet tart sweetie. Sinewy sweet tart sweetie. And I just feel like you're... Well, to be honest, when you walked in, you complimented Hayes on his glasses hair combo. You complimented me on the frames of my sunnies. Yeah. And what did I say to you, Kulop?

You said, but I don't know if you believed it. I couldn't tell if you were genuine. Well, that's the TARP piece. But let's just go over what I said on paper. I remember. I remember. You said something like you like everything about me. Yeah, something that was exactly like that.

Something exactly like that and don't make me pick. Yeah, you did say that last part as well. Next on the chart, Ronna and Beverly. Okay. I've been on that, yeah. You've been on that? Okay. Oh, that's fun then.

What was that? Two people kind of being characters? Maybe there would, how about this? There would be two people doing characters to two people. Maybe that would be too much. No? The number too much? Because the other time you said two, it was the number two.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't think that's what they're thinking. And this time you're not even offering to say anything to them. So this feels like this is a done deal. You're coming up with why it just isn't a good fit. Why it's not going to happen. Which makes me think they did bring us up on that one.

Why it would be weird and just like sort of. So you believe during my appearance. Yes. You know, a year ago when we didn't really know each other very well at all. That it would have come up in the podcast. She admitted it, Hayes. Sean and Hayes. That came up.

You believe that them in character brought up Sean and Hayes. And actually, if you hear what you just said, you just said exactly what did happen. She admitted it. And I never said that. But you're saying, like, I'm cock-blocking you. But what? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're going to make Hayes talk about loads again.

And that does seem like an amazing opening to do a load in. That came out wrong. Oh. Hey. See, a load in. That came out wrong. Haze. See, now I've got stuff coming out wrong. Like a load. That came out wrong. No, Haze, please. You're in a load loop.

Well, she started talking about loads. I know she did. And I'm going to talk to her about that separately. But I didn't. I just prompted him again. But I didn't say loads. prompted him again to, but I didn't say loads. I never said loads. Cool.

Because it's my job to say loads. Let's not get into a game of he said, she said, he said, he said. I don't want to play

he said, he said, he said, she said on this podcast, okay? Next one. Kevin Pollak's chat show.

Never been on it. Okay. Okay, yeah. Is it still exist? Great yeah. Is it still exist? Great question. Is it still exist? Is it still exist? Is it still exist?

We are wondering about this. Is this real life? It's on the main one. Daniel after dentist, remember? Damn Daniel after dentist. Is that what you're saying, right? Oh, yes, I am. Sorry.

I lost myself. Oh, God. And I was shot in sunglasses on his forehead, so it's like the invisible man lives on his forehead now. Yes. And his eyes are so wide. Mm-hmm. It's because he's natural prey. It's true.

So you can see people coming up trying to attack you. When I hear a predator kickboxer is going to be in the area, I need to be on high alert. Because I am naturally, I'm evolutionary, I'm a victim. And so I need to be able to see.

And if you see there's a little wide over on the side too, my peripheral vision is better because I can't have someone coming from just any angle at me. I need to escape. Wow. You're so alive. Yes. Well, I am in a state of fight or flight at all times.

Sounds like it's mainly flight. Yeah. Well, yeah. That's mostly what I picked just because I'm so fast. I cruise. Never not funny. Yeah, well. How many of these have we done?

They've done like 3,000 episodes of that show and they have not come to us yet? I'm doing it on Monday. And some of these people, and I almost don't want to say this, I don't think they even know we are a thing. That's the impression I get. It's possible. Our shoe is barely, it's like up so high on the wall. It's almost in the clouds.

You're bringing up the juice man shoe. Our shared shoe. Yeah, there's two of us on one shoe. Meanwhile, Cody has two of his own shoes. You're complaining about shoes. Cody's got his own shoes, multiple shoes. We're sharing a shoe. And it's at the top.

And now let's go outside and look at the wall. Oh, I don't see anything of us up here on the wall. Oh, but here's two of the same Who charted poster. It's not the same. The poster's so nice, we put it up twice. It's not the same. There's one in Adam Sachs' office that's the same as the one that's over there on the same. The poster's so nice, we put it up twice. It's not the same. There's one in Adam Sachs' office that's the same as the one that's over there on the left. And he's supposed to be liking all the shows the same.

He's not supposed to have a favorite show. That's what he wants to think about when he's at work in his office alone. He's supposed to be liking the shows the same. He's supposed to like them all the same. I think so. He's not our daddy. He's the teacher. He is the teacher. I think so. He's not our daddy. He's the teacher. He is the teacher.

He is teacher. So even if he thinks one student did better on the test, he's not allowed to say it. Or he should say it privately, which is what he does with us when we mess up. Yeah. When do you guys mess up? A couple of times. What did you do? Sean got out of control once.

Is this spinning? What's this? I tried to Taz Adam and he put me in the headlock. Made me fall asleep. Okay, so I'm not as scared. Your Taz then, if you... Well, it was a slow Taz, just based on time of day and I had a big lunch. That's a lot of starch, double starch.

That other guy, Chris, that is two offices away, has a printout of just the How Did This Get Made logo framed on his wall. And I'm supposed to come in here and think that everyone loves my show just as much? And I'm going to be a professional? I'm sorry. That's not how it works. Number one on the chart. Oh, this is a surprise. It's supposed to be a podcast. This one's a it works. Number one on the chart. Oh, this is a surprise.

Supposed to be a podcast. This one's a TV show. But Jillian Dollar listing. I ain't got a second. And that's not even the name of the show. Wait, why did we think it was a podcast? Oh, because every podcast person is on it. But it's a TV show.

That's fun. And so it snuck onto the list of things that never want us to be on them before. Didn't even talk to us or know if we're around. I have a question about bajillion dollar listing. It's bajillion dollar properties? Bajillion dollar property man. Brothers. Bajillion dollar property brothers.

So how much of parts was on it roughly? Just one or two people on the show? Just one or two? You know, I just maybe like... How big a cast? The main cast is just seven. Yeah, but for the entire run of the series. Just only like a hundred

or so. A hundred? Is that a real number? It's a hundo. Is that preferable? Go through, Hayes, and just find some of the ones who maybe only had like a line. And I just want to know if... Hang on.

Okay. And I want to know... I'm going through the show. You can't hear it. Cool up to look me in the eye and tell me they're funnier than me. Okay. All right.

This is hard. Okay. And I will take the sunnies all the way off. Adam Scott was on it. This is hard. Okay. And I will take the sunnies all the way off. Adam Scott was on it. He is funny. Yeah, he's funnier than I am. Better actor, too. Good-looking guy.

Nick Kroll has got a huge amount going on. Yeah, it does. Had his own show. Yeah, maybe more than one. Gillian Jacobs, funny, and she can also do dramatic stuff. Yeah, Julie Ard. She probably raises the visibility of the show in a way I can't really do. But Gillian, you maybe could make that joke on the show.

Patton Oswalt. Fucking huge. Yeah, so many Twitter followers. I could see how that would be. People go to him for news. A lot of these people, having them on helps the show in a way that having me and Orhaze would not. Even both. Even if you got both of us.

Wouldn't really do anything. Somebody else? Weird Al. I love him. I love him. Josh Groban? Yeah, he had a big recording. Does he like to do comedy stuff? I thought he was just a singer. Is he able to be funny too? Yeah, he had a big recording. Does he like to do comedy stuff?

I thought he was just a singer. Is he able to be funny, too? Yeah. But everyone can only do one thing. What is the one thing you do? I guess just not be able to answer that question. Did you have a starchy lunch again? A double starch lunch?

Yeah, I had some yucca flour. Yeah. Just dry yucca flour? Yeah. And coconut meat. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Island time starting early today.

Well, it is actually in island time now. I forgot to tell you when it had crossed over into island time. And as you like to always point out, it is Island Time somewhere all the time. Island Time somewhere. Well, cool up. Have a great time with your show. And those people sound great that are doing it. And I at one point wanted you to have to look me

in the eye and tell me that they were a better choice for the show than me, but now I no longer need it. And I'll just trip on down in the mirror and do it for myself. That came out wrong. I mean... That's good. I'm back.

I think you guys would be great realtors. Okay, yeah. Don't you think? I can see that. Yeah, just like. Instead of calling it small, I say it's cozy. Okay, right. That's one of my moves.

You spin something that's not good into something good. Yeah. What a great opportunity this one is. And also. When it's not well it's a fixer-upper oh and also the Spose

with charm the Spose I'm just getting so upset the Spose shows to be about shows supposed to be about oh he's angry reality show and Sean and I

did a reality show podcast that was very unpopular oh wait I'm sorry when you got to the end you remember I got mixed up she may not know show podcast that was very unpopular. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. When you got to the end, you remember. I got mixed up. She may not know that. Whether that was good or bad.

I like that podcast. For the show to be unpopular. I like that podcast. I liked your Shark Tank. A little too late. Okay, well. Wait, doesn't it make, okay. Normally artists like when you compliment them.

Why do you guys take it to this like. A funny thing I say is, so you were the one. Okay, right. And that's also the punchline to a joke Alf would tell. You can look it up. It's in the Alf movie. There was an Alf movie? Yeah, they did make a movie a few years after the show.

Alf on the Shelf. Christmas movie. The Shelf is like a shower shelf. Anyway, the joke is in Cool Up you can be the patsy. And I've already told you the punchline but

what's the difference between and this ties into the shelf. What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? I don't know. So you're the one. Who wipes your butt with a shower curtain? Yeah. Thank you.

The pro version goes to Cool Lucas. That's right. He's one of our listeners. We actually have a number where we know who all the listeners are. It's not who charted over here. By name. We don't need a chart. But you did do a chart.

You did a pretty... I'm just saying you did a chart. And what does he get today? Cool Lucas. Oh, um... Cool Lapis. Okay, yeah. Is that what he gets?

I think it is me no just that joke no he just gets the cool oppas joke oh um probably better coming

from you but well what from her from her from her but we're out of time because of the whole kickboxing

fiasco it is not a fiasco I let you guys know that this was happening and I just feel a little like I feel a little beat up on it, okay? You got ambushed, huh?

Kind of thing you wish you had had some kind of kickboxing class to prepare for. Touché. Face. Bye. This has been an earwolf production executive produced by scott ackerman adam sacks and chris bannon for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast