Hollywood Handbook - Kulap Vilaysack, Our Close Friend Again

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Sean and Hayes introduce a strategy for online. Then KULAP VILAYSACK joins them in studio to help debut a new chart. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook) and Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So we have me, we have Psy, Young, and Psy, we're from Heroes. Not Gangnam Style. Ah, yes, because I was with him, so I was like, how are you with Psy were from Heroes. Not Gangnam Style. Ah, yes. Because I was with him. So I was like, how are you with Psy? I wasn't there. And we have all the old Indian corn from Thanksgiving

putting in the microwave trying to make exciting popcorn. Poppy. Yes. And hopefully make a popcorn so big, Psy Young, throw it like a baseball striker. Oh, no. Imagine the dips and dives of a big popcorn. Oh, no.

So this is the plan going in. I'm just establishing this is what we were trying to do. May I ask, and I don't want to derail a story, may I ask, what were you going to use for the bet? So part of what I was hoping, see, this is the problem, is that the corn is definitely going to have to get bigger because these corns are little corns just from the centerpiece. So to make the big.

From the cornucopia. Yes. So to make the big, the giant poppicorn, the corn itself would have to enlarge as well. And this is where I'm kind of looking at Siler being like, there must be something you can do here. One of us has powers and one of us just has... But I'm not saying it. I'm just hoping when the time comes,

we'll be like, okay, maybe we can use some of our powers here. But I don't have powers and neither does Siler Young, but Siler does. Maybe some of us can use our powers and make these things so big. And so maybe the corn as well is a big bat. If you can imagine that. I see. It's very clean. Wow.

Hitting the popcorn with itself. Very poetic. Yes. And so the whole, it's just like very tight. It's all wrapped up nicely in a bow. The cob's the bat. The kernel's the ball. Yes. Incredible haze. And so then, again, this is set up to say this is the plan.

This is what the whole—at the end of this is what we're going to have, big corn bat, big corn ball. Amazing. But I hit the button that says cook it. No. And I'm expecting the beep, and there is no where this is going oh no and so i'm saying what is happening what happened to the microwave and then i hear beep but it's behind me and i turn around and it's seiler and he he's like, oh, what? I didn't do anything. Yeah, you did, actually.

You took the microwave's powers. Oh, hey, Siler. Because this is what he does. He is stealing other people's powers. Well, he's like Rope. And it does work for machines. Well, he's like Rope. Or like Sidney on Legion.

I thought you were going to say, when I said I know where this is going, I thought you were going to say it was all happening in Legion's mind. So it is confusing, more and more confusing to me lately what is happening and what is in Legion's mind. Yeah. No, I've had the same thing because, as you know, I have a new hobby, bow hunting. Yeah.

I have a new hobby, bow hunting. Yeah. I've taken up bow hunting at the urging of Engineer Cody. He said, let's get out in the woods. It's me, it's him, it's Bo Jackson. The most dangerous game. You're hunting Bo Jackson. Well, he can run like a deer.

So he sets off running like a deer, and we'll fire these arrows away. And a lot of times I'll think, oh, no, I hit Bo Jackson. And as I go to inspect the wound, I'm sucked through the wound into just like a jacuzzi or something. And then I go, okay, that was in Legion's mind. Great, Legion. Way to go. So it's frustrating. I was about to say that.

Hi, welcome to Highway Handbook. The guide. The guide. The guide. We have been going online. Oh, no. We have. We've been looking at posts., no. We have. We've been looking at posts. Some of them are good.

The rest of them are very good. We love the posts online. What you're doing out there, if you're one of these online guys, me and Hayes are loving what you got going on. But this is a thing. There's a situation that we've been hearing about from some of our online friends, a problem that they sometimes have. And so this is a scenario. Okay, you're getting ready to post online.

And you have an idea for a post that is bad. It's a bad post idea. But you have to post it. I'm getting there. I'm there. The idea of not posting it is unacceptable. You have to post it. I'm getting there. I'm there. The idea of not posting it is unacceptable. You have to post. Well, you've had this idea.

It's come to you. It's maybe a rhyme. It's maybe some sort of word that sounds like another word, but you're plugging it into a word that it sounds like. another word, but you're plugging it into a word that it sounds like. It's maybe you're going to say a word that people know, and then you're going to say more like, and then you're going to say another word that people know. And as you have this idea, you go, this has to be out there. Like, I can't keep it in my head. I'll go insane like Legion did. It has to, yes, it has to be post. People say like I can't keep it in my head. I'll go insane like Legion did. It has to.

Yes, it has to be posted. People say, like, well, why don't you just not share this idea with people? No, the idea has to be posted because you had it. But how do you let people know that you know it's not that good? Yes. So this is the question now. It is bad, but you don't want to be punished for being bad. So you have to let people know, like, I know this is bad.

I'm just posting it. Yes. So what we've come up with here is a gambit. And it sort of affects a double whammy, where if someone doesn't think this is bad, the thing you post, great. They get to enjoy it. But if someone does think it's bad, they actually think, oh, this guy is so smart. He knew it was bad. Yeah, yeah.

Because what you do is – and we'll just come up with an example right now. And I'm staring, of course, a glass of water. And so I'll say, glass of water, more like ass of daughter. And then – I think that is good. So let's pretend that is bad just for an example pretend that's a bad thing

I'm able to come up with a very good sort of pedophile incest joke you know off the top of my head I don't know where this stuff comes from it comes from my brain pretend it was bad glass of water more like gas of daughter can I just post that online

you look at it and you go no I can't because some people might think it's bad. Glass of water more like ass of daughter. Can I just post that online? You look at it, you go, no, I can't because some people might think it's bad. So what if I do glass of water more like ass of daughter? I'll show myself out. Or something like you are pretending like you think it's good. Like please RT or like a little joke like that like send the pulitzer to yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes or it's a very people don't do this as much anymore but like i'll be here all week tip your waitresses something like that as if they're doing a stand-up and one other thing you can do is go hey i know I know it's bad, but who gives a fuck?

None of this matters. So you'll go like, you know, glass of water more like glass of daughter. Is anyone even reading this thing anymore? Or that exact thing. Or like, by the way, we're all dying. Oh, yes. Perfect. Yeah.

We're all going to be dead in 20 years. This site's not important. Yes. Yeah. That is really cool because it's kind of an existential, above it all, knowing wink at mortality. And it's also what might be a pretty good joke. Yes. Of a word that sounds like another word.

And the important thing is you posted. Yes. You did it. You've got it. And if people like it, great. And if they don't like it, well, neither do you. You just said it in the thing. So it's just have a plan.

Have these tools in your toolkit so you can be constantly posting, but you have these little exit strategies. It's like a disaster preparedness kit. I thought of another one. Yes, good. I could see you think of it. I thought of another one.

You know, headphones more like bread phones, and then you go, I'm sorry. Yes. In parentheses, I'm sorry, or something like that. Like, I know it's so. Sorry, I hate me too. Yes. You know. That's a post. Now you've posted. Now you've primed up for a post that could come out later. And if you, and if later you want to

post again, you don't have anything good. You got six or seven of these things in the chamber. You could just roll right through. Yes. And by the time you get to the last one, you can go back and do the original ones again. Yeah, it's true. And so this is just a fail-safe. I don't see enough people using this. Yes. It's a great technique because sometimes I see people post a bad post and you can tell they just didn't know about this move. And I would say to extend beyond just posting online, And I would say to extend beyond just posting online, you can use a strategy like this in your life or in your art, as it were, and never be held fully accountable for anything you say being good or bad or funny or nice or mean or cool or lame because you just put a very thin layer of character, paper thin of character over it and go like, oh, I was being a character. I was being sarcastic.

And you never stop. Then if you say something that's bad and dumb, you say, oh, that guy was saying it was that thing that was so dumb. I was doing an impression of someone who might say something bad. I thought of something bad on purpose. I'll give you a crazy example. Or here's an unoriginal thought. Oh, well, that's my character is very unoriginal. Yes, yes. Or here's a wrong opinion.

Well, no, I was playing a character who had a wrong opinion. Yes, and then you can't get in trouble with the person you were talking about. That's exactly right. So I'll give you an example. Let's say you had a podcast. So you're doing a podcast with your friend, example let's say you had a podcast so you're doing a podcast with your friend and you want to make fun of i don't know a certain style of tweet so what you'll do is you'll go into the podcast and you'll go like hey i'm hosting the podcast but it's very clear you're being like a fake guy

and then you'll just say like oh i really like this tweet or whatever you know and then if you know somebody who does these all the time and they come to you and they go like hey are you making fun of me are you making fun of my shit and you go like dude I'm not serious on that show like I'm like doing a fucking thing yeah and then like you should come on

oh yeah instantly invite them on you have to they're not going to come. You're doing it wrong. Hashtag post on Twitter. That's the addition of that. It was a segment after all.

We've got to do the guests now. Bye. Bye. We've got to do the guests now. Cool. Bye. Bye. Bye. So, you know, it's me and Dean Cain and Herman Cain and Howard Dean and Charisma Carpenter.

And we're squeezing this fire hydrant to try to pop the top off of it. So hot. Because, yeah, well, it's so hot, but also Leprechaun Toast's gold is inside there. Yeah. And, you know, it's Hell's Kitchen. We're 13.

It's 1965. And we could use a little extra scratch and also a little extra cool down. Something to beat the heat. We got to beat the heat. And so we're squeezing it as hard as we can. And at one point, Dean says, maybe we're going about this all wrong. And I disagree sure yeah

and it's a stalemate right because what are we going to do like obviously our Dean takes my side obviously Herman Cain is going to side with his brother

so at that point it's like alright charisma is the tiebreaker but she was she had you know you remember she had that mouth surgery So at that point, it's like, all right, charisma is the tiebreaker. But she was, she had, you know, you remember she had that mouth surgery. Yes. So she can't even vote, really. And there's no way for her to gesture. She was trying to draw it. Because she's squeezing so hard at the same time.

She was trying to draw it with her back foot in the dirt a little bit. But it wasn't conclusive. How is the squeezing work? Are you each, are you all squeezing at once? Or is someone squeezing and then you're kind of squeezing them? No, we are stacked up on top of each other. Okay. So we're all arms out.

Each squeezing a different part of the fire. I mean, ironically for Dean, I guess, in sort of a Superman pose. Right. We're totally flat out on the ground, like, and then on each other's back, squeezing so that it's getting a squeeze all the way up like a turtle. Yeah. Yeah. And right when Dean's about to get so mad that he's going to catch a big punch, pop!

Off comes the top of the vegan fire hydrant. Okay. Now what? No water, no gold. You. Now what? No water. No gold. You know what's inside? Oil. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook.

It's got the kicking butt and dropping names of the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up? What up? Cool Up is on the show. You know it. Look. Hey. Some people might want to say, oh, you had wild horses last week.

You have cool out this week. You're just getting people. You're getting people that are about to record their own episode. Oh, right, right, right. Do not say this to your friends. Stop saying this. Please don't spread that rumor. That people are already in the studio to do their own thing

so they're just coming by to do your show at the same time it implies that the show has reached a point that we just rely on someone to be scheduled near us in order to have any guests whatsoever when actually these are the guests that we actually want to have. So please don't say that anymore. Stop saying this. And I know Cody's the one who started that rumor. Andrew, Cody, speak up and answer for your lies. It's either me or... What were you saying again?

Sorry. Not... I don't know. I don't know. Coop! Hi! Hello! Oh, thanks.

Welcome. In case I... I feel like you're trying to communicate something to me. We're saying, if you were thinking of telling your friends that, oh yeah, I'm going to do a Hollywood handbook because I'm already going to be in the studio. Or, if someone at home were saying that to their friends about us, oh, Cool Up came in to do a Hollywood handbook because she was already going to be in the studio. Or if someone at home were saying that to their friends about us, oh, Kulop came in to do Hollywood Handbook because she was already going to be in the studio, Do Who Charted. People have to stop saying this for their own sake.

Stop. People have to freeze. Enough. Citizens arrest. I freeze you. Yes. Frankie, relax. Frankie, relax.

Frankie, relax. Finally, relax. Frankie, relax. Finally, somebody gets it. Guys, you want me to be here, though, right? There's just a lot of gray that I'm kind of sifting through, and I just want to make sure that I am your ideal guest. Cool Up, as Live sang on the prequel album to Throwing Copper, their smash breakout hit, there's a beauty in the color gray. They had a song called The Beauty of Gray. And when these sort of black and white lines mix and we don't necessarily draw these hard boundaries anymore, Trump, we find that there's actually something beautiful in living in this gray

so I wouldn't shy away from sifting through that I'd do what Ed told us to do and I would just steer into the gray oh wow, be in the fog yeah, it's easy to be scared of it but it's also a cop out kind of

right, don't you agree? to be afraid of what I can't see to be so scared, yeah it's also a cop out kind of okay right don't you agree to to be afraid of yeah of what i can't see to be so scared yeah it's easy to be scared but being brave is actually very hard it's like being brave is brave yeah being brave is a kind of braveness for sure here's something i actually uh came up with oh boy because being brave is not never feeling scared. Oh. It's feeling very scared of everything. You came up with that? And doing it anyway. Oh, wow.

And then what you're doing, I guess, is listening to that song, Beauty of Grey. Speaking of braveness, bajillion. Speaking of braveness, bajillion. Before you start on me, I just want to say that I checked your availabilities, both of you. Both of your availabilities. Seems like the kind of thing that would get back to me. Okay, well, that's interesting. I was not going to talk about this. No.

Wow. So what she's bringing up is. But since Cool Up seems to want to talk about it, yes, a lot of people have been on this show. Yes. Vigilante Dollar Properties. Basically everyone I know from this town. Yes. And a lot of people I don't.

Oh, yes. A lot of people I've never seen and hope to never see again. I've been on Vigilante. Strangers to me. Freaks. Freaks. Total freaks. It is a bit of a parade of freaks. That's on purpose.

It's like a freak parade. I think it's brave. That's brave. That's brave because I'm scared of freaks, but I do it anyway. Okay, so you don't want to be in my show. And it's an insult that I even checked your availability. What is happening when my availability gets

checked that it's a secret from me? Well, first... Who'd you check with? Hayes? He doesn't want to help me. First week, I wrote your names down on the whiteboard. People, let's look for things for them to do. I had some ideas for you, because your, I don't know, your je ne sais quoi, both of your je

ne sais quoi, I think fits very much in the world that I've created. Okay. And you guys are- Like freak wranglers. Yes. Yeah, I could see us with a big long net like the dog catchers in those old cartoons and we're running around trying to capture the freaks. Throw them in the back of the paddy wagon.

That's not quite what my show is. It's about real estate in Los Angeles. Yeah, but it's about freaks doing it. Well, no, no, no, no. That's just sort of a product of casting, but that's not... I just don't want people listening to the show to think that that's what the show is, which is Freak Wranglers on CISO.

But wouldn't that be interesting for if there was another season to finally catch some of these freaks and lock them up where they belong? I mean, I think it's certainly a choice. I don't know. I think it's you brought up Trump. I think it gets a little too close. You think being a freak is a choice? You don't think people are born that way? I think being a freak is a choice.

You don't think people are born that way? Well, I mean, if you listen to another amazing recording artist. Oh. Oh. Gaga? Gaga. Oh, I thought a corn freak on a leash. That's what I'm doing, too. Oh, yeah.

Get him on that leash. Throw him in the paddy wagon. But since you bring this up, last time you came on, we were talking about charts. You love charts. You're a chart maniac. And every time I see you, it's like, hey, have you seen the latest chart? And I'm like, I've got all these charts with me. Will you read them with me?

And I'm always like, I'm sort of like in my car, right? And I'm like, the light just turned green, I got to go, but you're on the corner trying to shove these charts up against my windshield. Star charts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's the truth. Homes, yeah, you know.

Charts of their homes. Charts of their homes. Charts, yeah. Their box office mojo, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm charting that. Top five stars box office mojo. Oh, my I mean? I'm charting that. Top five stars box office mojo. Oh, my goodness.

Who's boffo at the BO? It's what I say to you as you speed away rudely. Hey, that's just my brand. I can't let people see me be friendly to you on the corner that I've got to be friendly to everybody on the corner. And if I died going fast, don't cry for me because I was happy. And Paul Walker actually said that. I saw it on a bumper sticker. I did! I said don't be sad!

Because he was happy. This is gonna bum me out. He just said don't be sad! I mean, it makes me want to just throw on some live, that first album, the one before Throwing Copper, and just sort of zone out. What was that one? Yeah, what was that one?

What was that one? The prequel. Something about like a beaver dam or something. And was something like that. Yeah. Are you guys excited for Fate of the Furious? Am I excited? No, I'm scared, and I'm going to do it anyway.

Because that's bravery to me. I'm terrified of that movie. First of all, they're so loud. Louder than John Wick? Two. John Wick 2. That was the loudest movie. Ever. Yeah, that was according to Andrew from our

forums. Sup, Andrew? I saw him once and I said, what did you do? He was in L.A. from England. And he said, oh, I went to see John Wick. And I said, how was it? And he went, bringing earplugs. It's quite loud.

I said, oh, this seems like the wrong movie for you. Like your personality doesn't match with even seeing this movie. So chart we did last time was five shows that never even had us on them before. That's right. It's coming back to me now. Yes, that chart. Yes, yes, yes. Top shows that don't want to have us on because they're scared and they're not brave enough to do it anyway.

And some of those shows, never not funny. Sklarboros. What else? Oh, hmm. Spontaneanation. I'm trying to think of even a show. Spont is off the list. Wow.

Only Spont. All the others have remained on the list. Only Spunt had the fucking stones. The huevos. To bring on the bad boys. And it was a huge episode for him. And his show's actually doing really well now. And Paul has been able to keep doing the show.

Blast off. Blast off. Show go to the doing this show. That's strange because it's like, you get to be brave and you get a huge Hollywood handbook bump, why wouldn't you do it? A lot of people are scared of success. What you realize is you think,

oh, this person's scared of failing. It's like, well, no one's scared of them. Now people are paying attention. Failing can be pretty comfortable. They're worried about the evil eye. For somebody like Pardo? Well, no, it's greater than 16. Oh, now people are paying attention. Feeling can be pretty comfortable. Oh, wow. They're worried about the evil eye. For somebody like Pardo, that can be pretty comfortable for him. You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because it's familiar. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And for somebody like Paul, who wants to really challenge himself and see what else is out there on the moon, perhaps, when he skyrockets his show there by having the bad boys in. And that is what happened.

That is what happened. What happened? The show got on the moon? Yeah, basically. Ask him. Yeah, ask him. If he can hear you. In space, no one can hear you ask if your show's on the moon.

You guys are making a statement, and so I'm just following up to see if that's just conjecture or if that was within our reality. That is what he said to us right after. He said, well, welcome to the moon. If you take a look at

Sklarbro, and those guys, there's a whole campaign of Burger King ads right now and they're only in one of them. Oh, wow. And you got to wonder, if we had been on that show once. Would they have been on all of them? Would they have been in two or three?

Yeah, the Burger King commercials. Todd Fasten, get out of here. Yeah. So let's kick that guy to the curb. Put at least one Sklar in that with the other guy that looks like Todd. Let's unfasten Todd. And they only get one burger each in the ad that they are doing. Oh, yeah.

That's true. And they can't tell which deal is better. One of them has glasses, and he still can't tell which deal is better. Yeah. And then he offers the other one his glasses, which I don't think is right. I mean, I think it's brave of Burger King to do Verite commercials. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, they're a pretty hip restaurant. Oh, you call it a restaurant. Yeah, I suppose you're right. Mm-hmm. This is part of Sean's sort of theory of the world, which is if there's food in there. If there's food there. It must be a restaurant. Not all restaurants are food.

What is it? Oh, yeah. Not every food is a restaurant. But every restaurant is a food. Every restaurant is a food. But not every food is a restaurant. Sometimes food is grocery store. A farm is not a restaurant. No. Okay. A farm.

Yes. Is not a restaurant. No. Because of food, yeah. But it is food. Food is there. But it is food. But it's for a horse or something.

Okay, what about like 7-Eleven? Or a bodega? Oh, wow. Okay, that's a restaurant. Okay. Not every food is a restaurant. Every restaurant is a food. It's a food. So it's interesting, you know, and you can sort of use that rule and apply it.

But now we have to get to a chart because I know you're going to. Lose my mind if I don't. That's the only way I can grasp. And you're looking very itchy. You are going to go dumb, go stupid. Yeah. If we don't get into a chart right now. Go dumb, dumb.

And the chart we are going to do is. Tell me when to go. Five. Tell me when to go. Five. Tell me when to go. The main five CISO shows that don't want us to be on their show and haven't invited us.

Go dumb dumb. But doesn't it. OK before. Wait we have to do the theme song because you guys all have these themes. Yeah yeah yeah. So do the theme song. Because you guys all have these themes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do your theme, I'm sorry.

Yes, so yes. Pardon, pardon me. Cody, you got the theme song queued up? Yeah. Yeah. Just, can you buy me some time? I just need you to front porch this a little. Front porch it.

Okay, so a theme song. What goes into creating a theme song and choosing the right theme for your masterwork, your chart? For me, I always work according to the same simple rubric. Does it rock? Does it kick butt? And can I dance to it? And if the answer to all those three questions is no, well, you got yourself a chart song. Play that jam.

In the beginning, there were some funny shows. But in the end There was only one Or something See some See so much comedy That your eyes pop out of your head

But so few Sean's And Hayes's. Begin the chart. Starting now. And that part before where me and Hayes talked over each other is part of the song. That's what gets you ready for the chart, because we're going to do that sometimes during the chart, too. Still?

Five shows. Five cowards. All in the end will fall. All that will be left standing is Spontanea Nation on the frigging moon. One by one, Sean and Hayes will defeat the shows like chopping the head off a dragon we'll chop the internet wire

from the CISO office we will destroy their equipment this is a theme song and we will do a better, funnier show With Paula Tompkins Braveness Wait, so you're just gonna take over my show? Okay

We will take over Kulop's show This is not a theme song You guys are just coming up with this And then she will be like, why am I not on your show? And I'll be like, oh, I checked your avail. I did. Your name's on a whiteboard that no one can confirm because whiteboards are erasable. But you can't erase us killing everyone on your show.

And if the police hear this and someone on the show does get hurt, we're just doing a joke. It's just a song. It's a theme song. This theme song is the whiteboard of theme songs. Yeah, and Kulop's in the theme song. Now I'm in. Yeah, now she likes it. So. Okay, and cool-ups in the theme song. Now I'm in. Yeah, now she likes it.

So... Okay, hold on. Understand that Spontaneanation is not on CISO, okay? And if we're going by that... Not yet. Oh, come on. Not yet.

Doesn't it seem like the kind of thing that could do really well there? We reward the people that are good to us. You were on my podcast this week. Oh, I wanted to mention. That's so nice that you had Hayes on the podcast. Why, Cool Hump? This is not.

Seems like it all got scheduled and everything. The worst thing that you could say. What a way. That's really great to have Hayes back on. That's good. I know he had been on before. Yeah, so have you. And's what a way. That's really great to have Hayes back on. That's good. I know he had been on before. Yeah, so have you. And a second time now.

Well. Because he's been on. One plus two. In the email. Did you check my avail for that podcast? Now, I don't schedule our show. Okay, a little peek behind the curtain. What's going on backstage?

And now I'm feeling good. I mean, obviously I would have chosen you. Here I am thinking, oh, like, at least I have one fan. At least I'm good enough to be on the podcast. If not the main show. But look, who says you're even on the list? Who says you're even on this chart? It's true. We haven't even gotten to number five.

Only in this chart. And I want to make another point. Is that you guys are constantly writing on high profile shows and that's what makes you unavailable. Look, if you want to... I don't want to talk about this.

You're always on a high profile show. It's an Oprah impression. I love bread! Look, we have to do this chart. Let me just do a timeline real quick. When did you wrap? December 15th.

Okay. And I haven't worked since November. Not one single day. A lot of lines out there, though. I mean, it's not like you are not. Oh, I was looking. Yes. I was definitely looking.

Looking at you just about anything. Your body language towards me has changed so drastically, it's alarming. There we go. There's like a big extended. There we go. Look, just a big extended fist out towards you. That's not.

and it's like, it's, it's. Hey, I'm not doing anything. If you happen to run in, if you roll into it. He's not touching you.

No, I wasn't saying that. He's not punching you. No, I wasn't saying that it was aggressive. It's very still. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But it's noticeable and you still haven't put it down. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We got to do this chart. Yeah, we have to do a chart. And again, we're not even-

Tune in for the chart. You know better than anyone. And the idea that you're on the chart is almost selfish. No, it's not necessary. We haven't even looked at the chart yet. No, I don't know what's on this chart. Well, who does? So there's five items on the chart.

Do we want to play the theme song for the number five? Oh, my God. Yes. I was going to say there's a different song that plays, not the opening theme song. No, it's a different song. Yeah, this one's just for number five. Cody, can we get that one, please?

Sorry, what did you need again? We need the theme song for the number five. I closed it. Is this it? Yes. Number five. Is it the worst show that didn't have us on or the best one? I don't know.

It doesn't, like what is the order that these are in? Yes. Should we have decided already or should we even ever say? It's the fifth one, but we're doing it first because the chart goes down in numbers. Yes. And ultimately it doesn't matter because they will all be extinct. Mm-hmm. So not only are you going to kill the show, you're going to kill the actors involved?

So that the creators and showrunners have only themselves to blame? If they give themselves up and kill themselves, then we will consider that fair. If the showrunners or creators kill themselves, then everyone else

can survive. Then they can protect their families. Open offer. The family that they found, not the family. If they're brave enough to kill themselves,

even if they're scared to do it, that will protect their families. That's the only way I can guarantee that their family stays safe. Now, again, not their first family, the family that they created within the project. Not their kids and stuff or their husbands, right? We don't know who's hit. We don't. Whatever.

This is a very important. I don't know that freaks have families. Oh my goodness. And the whole freaking network's a freak parade. Do your chart. Number five, the UCB show. This is their theme song, right? No, the actual discussion part of the chart That's its own theme?

That's a theme, yes. That's a theme. So this is a show This is a very sonic show. That have many people on it because it's all different stuff from the theater and from other walks of life. And the idea is that the show can be listening to this music

as they're running away. That's part of the... Oh my God, that's terrifying. That's part of the fun. Because they don't see you at first, they hear the song first. Can't you see just somebody ducking behind a tree, like a Hal Rudnick or something, ducking behind a tree, like a Hal Rudnick or something,

like ducking behind a tree and peek out around the corner to this song. Yes. Yeah, I can see it. UCB show. Yeah, I guess the UCB show should be called the You Don't See Me show because I ain't on that show.

Number four. Cody. Signature Flubbish. Here. This is very good. Number four. Floor on the floor and take it out the door. You know how we do it.

After we're done with five, it's right on down the chart. Keep the tires rolling and the gas stolen. Siphon your gas. We're stealing your gas. The gas stolen. Siphon your gas. We're stealing your gas. And that's like the blood of the people in the show.

Oh, yes, yes. The blood is like people gas. My gas is red. Yes. Yes. Yes. And the show that... Yeah, and so do you want to take a guess at what number four is? Because you don't know any other seesaw shows.

Come on, get out of here. What are you talking about? Yay! You want to take a quick guess? Yay! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. What do we got? Take My Wife.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yes, it's Take My Wife. Is it Take My Wife? Whoa! Yes. Yeah. Well, I mean, where would you fit in in that world? They're backstage.

They're about to go out and do a show. And then I'm back there and I'm like, you want any water or anything? Yeah. Or I could play someone who like doesn't get it, you know? Who is like not nice to them or something. Sure. Yeah, I could go. I would be very believable as somebody who's like, you have a wife?

Yes. Right? But you're a wife. They need someone to be doing that. Isn't that just sort of the world that is doing that? You know what I mean? And maybe in their own show they don't want to do, they don't want to have that? They don't talk about that?

Yeah. You are such an agent of chaos. Look. My goodness. I will be a bad guy on this show. I will get beat up on these shows. You are such an agent of chaos. Look. My goodness. I will be a bad guy on this show. I will get beat up on these shows. I'm fully willing to be a nasty man villain.

Yes. You know, the freak catcher. No, wait, hold on. I'm concerned for you in this direction that I feel you're gonna I feel you're gonna plow right through but just maybe no with the freak with this show

my show's okay but maybe oh cool up I just I have concern I have concern cool up

okay all of our hands are up all of our hands are up thankfully wow it's not even something I would have even thought about. I wasn't referring to this show with that.

Okay. Geez. All right. Well, some might think that. Sean, I'm just saying. Here's my thing. I'm not just saying it? I'd like to be able to.

Are you telling me I was not just saying that? No. Whatever my character is. Cool No. Whatever my character is. Cool up. Whatever my character is. Yeah. I think he should be running through every show. I think he should appear on every show and then they should know me from the other show.

Yeah. When I pop up on the UCB show. That's a big idea. And that you thought that I knew that. I don't think that's fair. That's a big, big idea. I'm going to play a different character on every show on the network. And when the show's not on, I

sit on the space bar. Have you ever heard of cross promotion? I get to be on the space bar. Yes, I have heard. But are you talking on the keyboard? Yes. Or is it a Star Wars antenna? He sits on the space bar and then when he gets off the space bar,

you launch into outer space, you land on the moon, because your show's doing well now. I understand. I'm sorry. I do want to clarify. I understand the confusion. Yes. That's not the space bar I was talking about.

Yeah, that's what I thought you meant. That's not. CISO doesn't have that movie. The Star Wars cantina. Okay. The Star Wars cantina. That's what I thought. Yeah.

I understand why she thought that. You know it's called the Star Wars cantina. The salacious crumb. Right. And he's not I thought. Yeah. I understand why she thought that. You know it's called the Star Wars Cantina. The salacious crumb. Right. And he's not in there. But imagine if he were. No, he can't get in there. Imagine if he were.

Please. The elephant horn. Could you just put your fist down? I mean, it looks like the blood is draining. It does look like you're getting tired. It's isometric contraction. It's the only way for me to keep my arm healthy. Now, imagine I pop up on the UCB show.

You're loving what I'm doing. Of course. And one of the characters turns and goes like, hey, I know you. You're the guy from Bajillion. Now, the viewer is going to go go this guy's on bajillion now he clicks so he clicks out of the ucb show you know having laughed his freaking butt off some of that stuff then he goes over he goes like bajillion i never had heard of this before and he and he dives in there and he's looking around for me then i pop up in there i'm on bajillion they go like hey are

you the same guy from take my wife zing zoom kab, zazoom, gabong, gabloom. Everybody's on the moon now. We're working together. We all help each other. Synergy. Yes. And if you could see what Colop just did with her hands, she interlocked her fingers in this cool way.

It was like she was raving. She did like a rave motion. Like she was handling an orb. Yes. She had an invisible orb of energy that she was raving. She did like a rave motion. Like she was handling an orb. Yes. She had an invisible orb of energy that she was moving around and it was like going past my face and it was cool. Synergy. Yeah, and she just blew a Vicks Vapo

Rub like sort of tube into my face. And it feels amazing. And what I say, the wifeys are watching you on their show, and then they're saying like... I don't know if that's what their fans... I mean, I think that's a big... What are they? The wifeys?

I don't know if they're called the wifeys. What are they? I don't know. I'm just saying that I... You said it very strong like that was known, that the fans would take my wife were called wifeys. I... Look, if I were you, I would be supportive of other shows

and try to at least figure out what their fans call themselves. Since we are, again, trying to help each other, trying to change the culture of this network. Hold on, I thought you said that your goal was to kill everybody. What better way to stay alive? And to unite the culture of these shows.

If you watch the show Heroes, there was something about how that's what they were trying to do all along. They created the bad guy. Yes. Maybe how everybody even met on all these shows. They were hanging out with me and Hayes. Right. And we were mean guys. You know? You guys aren't like heroes.

You guys aren't like... We don't... We will do whatever you want on this show. If it's that people aren't having us on because they think we have to be the heroes, no. We will be stupid or...

I'm willing to be cast against type. I'm willing to be cast against type. Yes. I'm willing to be cast against type because I know you look at me, you go, this guy's a hero. Yes. This guy's a hero. He's great. Everybody's going to like him on the show. What if there was something insidious about me where I almost seem like kind of a smarmy piece of shit?

And then it would be a surprise because I show up on on screen and they'd go like, wow, I really like this guy. Just naturally get a warm vibe. But then some of what I'm saying and doing make people don't like my personality. And then you'd go like, hey, get out of here. Would you get over to that UCB show already? And then the person watching goes like, well, I've got to see if they beat him up on that.

And they click over. And they should click on you. Like, you should be the hyperlink. There's a little icon of my face, yeah, that you can click to go check out Take My Wife, UCB Show, The Jillian, anything else on the chart. Yeah, and then when you put the cursor on your face, it's actually not the cursor, it's actually like a little fist. Mm-hmm, yeah, cursor.

Walk me through this. The cursor, what is it? The cursor, the cursor, like the little arrow when you click it. The curtain like Andrew Dice Clay? Number three. The shows, we will steal their money as well. Yes. All the money that you get from Sisa.

We're taking it. All these rich deals. And when you do combine the money from all the shows, it must be something. Your salary and your network comedies, you two. We're taking it. I haven't worked since November. All right. And we're spending it on more weapons.

All right. I wonder what TESO show you guys are going to call out next. Yeah, I'm curious as well. Number three, Saturday Night Live. I know. No, I'm curious as well. Number three. Saturday Night Live. No, only originals. It is on there. Only originals.

Kulop, I suggest you watch your own network. Please, Kulop. It's on there all the time. There's a new show on CISO called Saturday Night Live and some of the stuff they're doing is incendiary. And this is the part of the show where we discuss Saturday Night Live. The freaks on this thing. People dress as bees.

I mean, it's... Period? That's it? Period. That's what I've seen. That's the only thing. A land shark? That's pretty scary, but I'm doing it anyway.

Brave. But that's brave. The definition of bravery. Number two. That's it? That's all you guys have to say about? Oh, no. Okay, say your thing.

No, I just thought since you're going, that's a, by the way, a lot of people to kill. I just, do you have time? Okay. Think about that. Is this the best use of your time? Number two. Show number two. Unfortunately, we already defeated this show.

It's not that I can't think of any more CISO originals other than Vigilia, which is going to be number one. I think you're thinking of the Lovemakers that was canceled. Yes, we defeated the Lovemakers. Sucks. Ethan and Dave. Yes, and we liked those guys. Yeah, and we didn't want to have to kill them, so we just were like, get your show off before it gets really dangerous for you. That's what happened. So they actually weren't canceled. You just killed them. And we just were like, get your show off before it gets really dangerous for you. Wow, that's what happened.

So they actually weren't canceled, you just killed them. And we smashed the computer. The computer that holds all of the CISO shows. Oh, just that one. Oh, just that specific MacBook. There was the one computer with the love makers. We smashed it. And we poured juice on it.

That is excessive. It was already busted. Red juice. Computer breakers we poured juice on it. And we were the... That is excessive. It was already busted. Red juice. Computer breakers we were. Is it blood? No, in this case it is just red juice. But a lot of people have made that connection. It's not like a specific fruit.

It's just the color. So we don't have to do number two because we did already defeat them. Well, okay. I guess that's it then. We've done our show. We've done the full thing. Let's move in. Looks like done our show. We've done the full thing. It looks like we got it. Number one.

It looks like number one is coming up right now. Number one. Bajillion dollar properties. See, you said that. But the surprise is we will let this show live and we will agree to do the show. That's right. A sneak preview.

What an amazing announcement. It turns out that season five or something of Bajillion, season five of the hit show Bajillion Dollar Properties is going to feature huge guest appearances from your favorite sweeties, the Freak Catchers. Do they have to be? Do your characters have to be

Freak Catchers? Can't I? What are we doing? Who else is going to catch them? You're doing a pretty bad job. Yeah, you seem to be letting them loose. They're running amok. What if you were to just join the tribe and be a freak like the rest of us?

Yes. What about that? A freak like me needs company? Or a freak like me, Idina Howard. Cody, can you tell me what album that last song

was off of? That was live, Beauty of Grey. But what was the album for it? MTV Unplugged. I know. I don't know what I was thinking. But back to...

Oh, the show? We said we'll do it. What a big announcement. Holy shit, your numbers. Welcome to the moon. Here's your oxygen mask. What a swing. What a swing from being destroyed.

Yeah, I guess I should be grateful. And now, instead of being destroyed, from nobody you've met ever being safe again, you get sent to the moon. Okay, guys, I just want to make the point is that I'm a huge fan of both of you. I want you on my show. And so...

Well, you don't get to say it. We're the ones who are saying we will be on it. Now you don't get to be like, now you can be on the show. Now that we add so much power because we are we will be on it. Now you don't get to be like, now you can be on the show. Now that we had so much power because we were... We are going to be on it. Because you made a chart?

We rule through... Yes. Through charts? It's on the chart. Wait, are you saying your charts are fake? No, they're real charts. Wait a minute, you did fake charts?

No, they're real charts. If I find out... Oh, God. That the charts on your chart are fake. Sean, you're so emotional and it's a lot to take, okay? if I find out oh god that the charts on who charted are fake Sean you're so emotional

and it's a lot to take okay as a guest Hayes I'm sorry please shut up it's a lot to take sitting so close

to you this like this ebb and flow of just anger and ecstasy and sadness and delight okay

I just I want I have to speak my truth right now. I'm sorry. And just when, yeah, I have had this problem too. Just when you're like enjoying the ecstasy, it does transition into sadness because the highs are so high

and that's what makes the lows all the lower. I miss the euphoria. And by the way, I like this. I'm not complaining about this. I like it. That's part of what makes me me. As an artist. Right.

You know, I'm not normal. And you can see it in the fist, because sometimes it is a fist that's about to punch you, but then it is turning into a finger that is beckoning you. It's a middle finger, Hayes. You can't. But it's being like, come here. It is a come hither middle finger. It's a middle finger, Hayes. You can't. But it is. But it's being like, come here. It is.

It is a come hither middle finger. It's being like, get over here. Yeah. Artists, we're almost a different species than other people. And Pete Holmes talks about this a little bit. But, you know, those highs and lows, you have to embrace that, right? Because that's part of what makes me so creative. I mean, my output's insane, the amount of things that I've done that you can point to.

I mean, you do have a lot of content. Yeah, there's so much. Just trying to think of an example in this podcast. Snapple Cap Facts. There's a podcast. Snapplecap facts. There's a video called Snapplecap facts. YouTube video. Wasn't the main guy in it? No.

No. But he's very visible. I'd say I'm the third main guy. Do you at that point say main guy? Just maybe it's... One of the main guys. Because you don't say the third main guy. Do you, at that point, say main guy? Just maybe it's... One of the main guys. You know, because you don't say, like, the fourth lead guitar, you say. He's one of the main guys.

Perhaps, like, a session guitarist at that point. But you do say the fourth lead. And honestly, I suggest you watch the video before you start mouthing off about it. You know, Hayes, you have come at me so strong, okay? It's like you want me to be, you want to be that. Cool up. You want me to be Lamb Chop, right? And you want to shut your hand up me and like operate me like a fluffy little lamb.

But I'm saying no. First of all, they were friends. Lamb Chop and Sherry Lewis were friends. And second of all, okay, so you'd like me to just let you mouth off about the different shows and just let people at home- Wait, me? Yes. Mouth out about different shows?

Yes, talking about all these CISO shows that you haven't seen. First, you don't even know about the wifey. Okay. I am being gas lit. Gas lit right now. Oh, yeah. Well, your gas is your blood. Yeah.

Oh, right. And we stole all your gas. We will set people's blood on fire. Am I being transfused? Gosh, it's going to be so hard to edit that part where I couldn't think of a word that rhymed with rolling. Because the music won't match. It's going to be a hard cut in the music. But worth it to save a little bit of face.

Will you save this part? When I'm talking about it? Yeah, right now. Will this remain in the pocket? Are we recording? When can we watch ourselves? Yes, when am I going to see me? Season five, when season five happens obviously. Okay, when is that?

I don't know. They haven't picked it up yet. I have to finish season four. But you're a smash hit. Well, I mean, you only knew three shows, and one of them I had to help you with. You're the whole network. When is season four? Season three is June 1st.

Season four is in 2018 in February. Ah, busy. Oh, wow. Not a veil. So you're in 2018 in February. Busy. Not a veil. So you're giving me your avail. Hayes' avail is not good there. I have to be busy that time. But you guys are a duo, right? I can't have one or the other, right?

Oh, um... What do I say? I mean, you're like the twins in baskets. You work together. I mean, I think we found out when you did Who Charted last week that that's not necessarily true because you had just Hayes. So it seems like you can have one without the other, but you don't want the other one without the other.

I mean, that's your words? Mm-hmm. Said in this time and in this words? Mm-hmm. Said in this time and in this space? Mm-hmm. Does it look like the microphone's my beard? Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production.

Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.