Hollywood Handbook - Kulap Vilaysack, Our Origin Story Friend

Episode Date: May 27, 2019

KULAP VILAYSACK returns to help Sean and Hayes make their origin story documentaries.This episode is sponsored by NHTSA and Indochino ( www.indochino.com  code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm out there along the beach with Nicole, Richie, and Jan Deck, the Swedish musician. And we're eating soft crabs, and we're on Chincoteague Island off the coast of Virginia. And we're eating soft crabs, and we're doing Sandcastle Contest. coast of Virginia and we're eating social crabs and we're doing sandcastle contest. And Jandik has built a sandcastle that is very ornate and it's impressive. And Nicole of course has said, Oh, well I built my childhood home. And it looks nice as well.

And then they get to mine and they say, where's your sandcastle? And I say, well, it's very simple, my dears. I built Sandcastle Beach and it's huge. And I win first prize and we are celebrating chomping on more soft shell crabs. And Nicole says, hey, why don't you put some of this sauce on there and she takes out like a ziploc bag full of like a hallucinogenic goo oh my god wow so we're spreading that on the crabs and we're chomping down what you that's gross to you a little bit why why are you mixing seafood with hallucinogenic goo?

What do you put your hallucinogenic goo on? Like what is a compliment? Because I know it's like white wine goes with chicken and fish. I think like a wheat thin. Wheat thin for the goo. Oh, that's interesting. So it really is more of like a party favorite dip situation and it's not part of a heavy meal. More of an hors d'oeuvre, a platter, if you will, a snack.

When we started this conversation, Cool Up, I'm here with Cool Up. I was pissed at you. What? Because the face you made, I went, fucking judge my goo story. And now I see that you've really put some thought into this. I love to say. Yeah, I just think the textures, they're too different. That didn't help either.

That didn't help either. So in the future, I will put it on some wheat thins when i want to trip billies like dave massey's like to say uh but cool up is here um what's my last name vlaesok why were you shaking when you said it it was the force of it it's an eruption. Yes, it was like that. When you truly summon the power of Valesak. I mean, it was a spell that came at me. Yeah, the name comes from deep inside my bowels. Bowels? Okay.

It lives so far down in my animal wolf DNA that when I summon it forth it physically affects me. And it affected me. And it affected me and it affected you and it affected Endernear Jordan. And I think we all saw that she just about fell out of her damn chair.

Yeah. Yeah, it did. Wow. So All I saw were socks. Lace up. I would cool up the lace up. How much money did you make off those socks?

It's hard to say because as you know, merchandise is folded into our daily Earwolf allowance. And so to what percentage of that pie? What's your Earwolf per diem? And then we'll try to figure out what percentage the socks make up. As you know, a year has gone by since I left 2Charted.

So I don't receive the per diem anymore. But in its heyday, it certainly was two LaCroix's. And I think half a Ulrich dollar. I don't remember. And they don't even have La Croix's out there anymore to give you a sense of how much it's changed. They have Michael Bublé's soft drink, Bublé. Oh, he's behind that. I have to assume.

Yeah, I definitely felt the blue-eyed soul when I drank it, but I didn't know. Mm-hmm. And when I took my first sip, I said, I guess you have met me yet. So we no longer have LaCroix here, and I think it's a good thing. You aren't doing I just really One more time with the boob lip It painted such a picture

For me A moving picture really And it was an ad that I think They need Right, me, it's me I'm sort of It's a dark kitchen, it's the middle of the night I'm feeling around

I grab a can You can't see the label Take a sip Yeah, spotlight comes on The police are outside They're shining it through the front window It's not your kitchen It's not my kitchen I've broken in

Bublé comes tumbling down the stairs with a bat He's in his boxer shorts He's like, what the hell are you doing in my kitchen? I go, hmm, I guess you haven't met me yet And then we push Zoom onto the can Yes Yes Is that right?

I mean, you're the filmmaker You know what I mean? Yeah I mean, you're the filmmaker. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I think we'll have to shoot it on spec. But I do think, I do think they'll be impressed. You don't think we're going to get a big contract to shoot it? I don't. I don't.

Just based on the concept? I think we need to prove ourselves. Well, I think I want to maintain full creative control. I'm the director. No, I want us. Our team. Okay, I see I want to maintain full creative control. I'm the director. No, I want us, our team. Okay, I see. I don't want to sell this and then they come in and they go, hey, Bublé's got to have that million dollar smile on when he sees you.

And I go, no, I've broken into his house. We need him to appear at first to be angry. It's not until I deliver the fucking cash money line. Does he soften? And then it's like, can't be mad at this. And then he's like a little boner. Is there? Oh, well, yes, because he's in sort of

striped boxers and there's maybe the flap is just open where it's a peekaboo sort of situation. Can we possibly add a tag to the ad? Great idea. So then cut to a screen where it's like boobly drinks pouring into a, how soft drinks do, into a glass and it looks nice and frosty and cold.

And then it cuts to the two of us on the couch. Like we're now we're just hanging out. Yeah. It's a meet cute. Yeah. It's a meet cute. It's just, it's just the end of the day. We're all human beings. That's right.

And then this is, you're so smart. This feels also like a backdoor pilot. I don't know. I mean, would you watch something like that? One hundred percent. Yes. I don't know. I mean, would you watch something like that? 100% Yes. And we're in his house and he doesn't know how I got in there. But at this point, it doesn't really matter because we're just fucking hitting it off.

I think it's like the male dead to me, which I think people are calling for. Mm hmm. Yeah, that is what bothered me about dead to me. What's with all these women? Yeah, that is what bothered me about Dead to Me. What's with all these women? So. Yes, yes.

Obviously. I think it's because there's a woman who's the showrunner and creator. And I think that's the line right there. That's the connective tissue. Okay. But what about representation? Right. You mean representation for all so we're only going to write our own direct experience we're not going to try to portray a more varied you're right it's like texture and you know and and the different types of lives and experiences that are happening in our modern American society.

For instance, white guy like me, a Buble type. You know what I mean? Imagine those two together, the sparks flying. And I think that's what you're right. It's like we're vilifying the imagination. That's right. This is a story that hasn't been told. that's right this is a story that hasn't been told

me and Bublé two guys short brown hair you're not short by any stretch of the stretchiness I was talking just about the hair sorry

I'm so sorry continue no I'm not short by any stretch. I'm sort of a stretch by any short. So the thing I want to say now is, look, you left Earwolf. I don't think I was alone in turning to everyone who would listen and say, she's never going to work again. Never going to see. Last we ever heard from Kula. Is that true?

That's it. She's toast. You told that to everyone? Biggest mistake I've ever seen someone make in this industry. And I've been around. Oh, wow. A couple of days. So imagine my shock when you made documentary film.

Sorry? When you made a documentary film. Ah. Well, you were aware of the documentary film, remember? Okay, but then it is on Amazon? Okay, it is on Amazon. Okay. Where I go to watch

A Very English Scandal. Where I go when I want to see part of Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot, which I missed in the theaters and then didn't finish watching on Amazon either. Where I want to go to watch, for instance, a little TV show

you might have heard of about a police detective who's not necessarily going to let himself be handcuffed by the rules. Is it, Bosh? I'm not saying it is or it isn't. I just,

would you be willing for the fans to just share with us your last Amazon cart? Would you be willing for the fans to just share with us your last Amazon cart? Would you be willing? You want me to get in there? I'd love to see just a different dimension to you. Okay. Even though clearly you're a diamond.

What does that mean? You have so many ear prism, but of high quality. Okay, let's see. Not a blood diamond. One that was ethically mine. My shopping cart is empty. Okay, but let's go past orders. The last past order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. Orders. Yes. Now, my wife and I share an account, so. Okay. My personal purchase that I most recently got. Yes, please.

Hang on one second, and I'll tell you. It is the. Got this build up. The luxury edition steamer technology, eight in one powerful clothes wrinkle remover, clean, sterilized, sanitized, refreshed, treat, defrost for garment, home, kitchen, bathroom, car face, travel.

And then in brackets, it says gold. The coloration. Yes. Colorway, okay. And it is the iSteam 2019 Luxury Edition. Generation technology, nanopolymer filter, purifies tap water and prevents calcification formations. 25-second steam ready time, 10-minute continuous stream, 120-milliliter large container, 570-gram extra handy ultralight. Travel? Are you able to travel with us?

Like your summer weddings. We're going to find out. Oh, wow. We're going to find out. 70 gram extra handy ultra light uh travel are you able to travel with us like your you know your summer weddings we're gonna find out oh wow we're gonna find out is that did i nail it are you are there places you need to go i will be going to a wedding this summer and i will be not going to two other weddings think about that oh invite no thank you rsvp no thank you, RSVP. No, thank you. Yep. And those people, I hope, hear this because they got to wonder why I did go to the one. You're better friends with that person. In fact, my wife is better friends with that person. You'd rather not go at all. No, no, no, no.

I do want to go to that one. Okay. Okay. Cool up. Stop making me get so real and read my luxury edition steamer technology 2019 eight and one powerful clothes wrinkle remover. I steam specs. I apologize.

Alexa reorder steamer travel. Why? I don't know. That's what it says here. It says purchase one time. Last purchase on May 13th, 2019. And then it says try and then in quotes what I just said. So I did try it.

Nothing happened. Nothing. But that's not going to stop me from trying again. Here we go. Alexa, reorder Steamer Travel. Can we get into possibly the premise of this episode? Absolutely. Now you've learned a little bit about me.

Thank you. In a way, you've heard about my origin story, haven't you? Between the steamer and this. Your wedding behavior. Yes. I see you making this documentary and you've pulled it off and it's out there for everyone to see. Have you seen it? You've gotten your feet wet.

I don't, my schedule is insane. Oh, okay. So the idea of seeing it or not seeing it, like, it's out there, isn't it? Yeah. I just wonder maybe as my friend and I've been- I don't want to spoil. For me, I don't want any spoilers. What?

How so? Well, what I would like, now that you've gotten your feet wet with this documentary, is for you to step up to the big leagues and make a documentary about me. But you have not seen mine. How can you feel that I'm the right person to handle this project? Well, no one

else seems to be interested in it. So I'm like, did you make a deck? Did you, what materials did you make? Mm-hmm. I have, yeah. Mm-hmm. I got a deck.

Uno cards. Oh. Okay, okay. I'm sort of the wild draw four of my friends. Okay, so I guess maybe we can get some, do you think maybe uno would be interested in financing this or i i just i've done the documentary no okay what's it you're looking for money well i just i i'm probably i'm not you know i i spent a lot of money on on this and so i'm looking to try to just crack into my dad well could you can you

sort of try to can you come up with like an origin story for me well no we we you would tell tell me what your your origin story is and then we would build from there i was hoping you would tell me what it is and my ideally i would like it to not really involve Hayes Wait why? So when I approach him about doing this His whole thing was kind of like I got a fucking origin story for you I found your happy meal ass in the gutter And I built you up from scratch

And you're nothing without me Well is that true? Even if it was true, there's a nicer way to say it. Okay, I get what you're saying. So, my feeling is, if I can get out ahead of his thing,

and sort of set the narrative, that maybe I've done something interesting, or that my life has some kind of... You found him in a dumpster eating a Happy Meal. I'd rather not mention him. Oh, at all. It's as if he doesn't exist.

It wasn't that I was eating a Happy Meal. He just only refers to me as like, I saw your Happy Meal ass. I see. And that's how he refers to me. Oh, okay. Oh, that's okay. Well, is there any, let's just talk about your origin story and then maybe I could give me some ideas because it's gotta be believable.

Okay. All right. So you, what's, what is a defining moment in your life where things completely changed for you? Tried milk. Huh? I had a glass of milk. Okay.

All right. Okay. I had a glass of milk Okay, alright You were doing formula for a while And that first taste of No I mean, maybe I was But I don't remember that But I remember like Having some milk

Okay, how old are you in this time? 25 25, oh Okay Alright, okay, you're 25 Why did you have the milk? 25. 25. Oh. Um. Okay. Huh. All right. Okay. You're 25.

Why did you have the milk? Um. By accident. Someone tricked you to have milk? No, no. Uh, no. I was by myself. I just wasn't really looking at what I was pouring.

Did you enjoy the milk? No. It made me sick. Oh, okay. So the sickness That's what changed you You found out that you I had to change Oh, you're lactose intolerant? Is that

I don't know, you know, I'm not I'm not medical, I don't have a medical background Did you shit yourself? No, no, no, no Oh, okay, I had you meant you had to change your clothes i'm sorry i don't know i did have to change my clothes oh because i spit the milk all over it okay like you know as soon as it touched my tongue basically i'm spitting it everywhere um so i guess that could be a scene yeah okay i, how did that change your outlook in life and your identity?

Less milk since then. Yeah. Less though. Yeah. When you do have it, do you still spit it up? It depends what it's in. Okay. Okay. I think we need a little bit more. Yeah. I don't know. How's your relationship with your parents? Is there anything there that we could talk about?

A conversation that you, like for me, I found out my dad wasn't my real dad. And that shook me to my core. Is there some sort of conversation like that maybe? Well, my dad likes video games. Do you like video games? No. Okay, so there's sort of a conflict there. Did he love it so much that he neglected you? You felt abandoned by your father.

He chose to raise, instead of be with you and raise you, he was always playing Halo like that? No, it wasn't Halo. Okay. Mario Kart. Mario Kart. You felt like Mario Kart was your big brother. Maybe I do like video games.

Oh. Okay. All right. Mario Kart's pretty good. Okay. All right. How about your mom then? Does she withhold love?

Does she have a separate love language than you do? Like my mom, she won't say it, but she'll cook me food. And that's a big part of how she shows me her love. My mom's pretty nice. All right. All right. Your first true love, right? Someone you fell in love with

and there was a split. You made a mistake, she made a mistake, and it scarred you, right? Can we talk about maybe a love scar? Love scar. Or in the heart, like a heart scar? I have a scar on my knee. Okay, where had that happened?

Got hit by a car. Whoa. Holy. Oh, my God. What? Tell me that tale. Well, I was trying to race this car. Okay.

Okay. Keep going. This seems promising. And I sort of could tell I wasn't going to win. So I was like, well, let me see if I can slow it down a little bit. And I kind of offered it my knee. Not the driver, the car? The car, yeah.

And you offered it your knee. I sort of gave it my knee to be like, I'm going to chew on this for a little while. And it sure did. Okay. You were in the hospital, I assume going to chew on this for a little while. And it sure did. Okay. You were in the hospital, I assume, for a while. Yep. Bandaged up. You were immobile.

Did you have thoughts in your head like, I don't ever want to do this again. I don't want to race cars on foot. Well, what I said in the hospital, you know, I was asleep a lot. Okay. But one thing I said was, hey, no milk, okay? Well, okay, it does tie back. So we do have sort of a theme. Can you just tell me what your most important relationships are?

I know you didn't want to bring up Hayes. Yeah, I know. I'm sort of keep, yeah. But maybe if we just talk about it, we can swap him for someone else, like another name. Do you want to do it? What do you mean?

Would you want to be the... Whoa. To be both a director and a subject again? Mm-hmm. I mean, it was really emotionally taxing, but I guess I do know what it feels like. Hello. Hi.

Hi. What's up? What's up, dude? Oh, man. So you what? Called in? Hey. No, you called me. Kevin?

Chef Kevin? Kevin. I was asking. Is it the thing where, did someone say my name? Yeah, I guess maybe Kulop said your name. Because I was wondering where you were. I'm walking home from the hobby shop oh

cool what'd you buy some shells could you let the listeners know just behind the scenes could you describe the shells and read the receipt if you could

so okay purple shell And I guess read the receipt if you could. So, okay. Purple shell, $11. Wow, that seems expensive. Hermit crab shell, $28. What an expensive hobby shop. It's interesting because Kulop really came for Hayes about the shells, but he had receipts brown shell i asked him 390 dollars what are you doing with these shells how big is the brown one the brown one is pretty big so must be i'm going to try and do a thing i

really so i get to this hobby shop and they've got this little hermit crab habitat in there and so i see it and i'm watching the hermit crab for a little while and i'm like i don't really want that but i would like to sort of do a similar thing to what that crab is doing to yourself so the brown shell and that's big enough for you to get in there so the brown shell i could get in and sort of scuttle around it not outside yet that's a massive shell you you are i'm dragging it i'm dragging it behind me in a wagon right now like a radio flyer uh like a radio flyer wagon no much bigger than that no it's on wheels okay wow wow because you're you're a you're also a tall man okay what do you mean what do you mean also oh i mean sean you both

are very tall we had talked about well so obviously you didn't hear um but we were talking taller so we weren't even doing a show really that's fine we weren't even really doing a show cool up would teach me kickboxing and i was for the podcast for yeah oh that's cool and uh and so this is great because i've been meaning to um talk to you about something first of all sorry i was out of town for the big release party yeah that was in the news um oh. Yeah, no problem. You make a documentary about me? Huh? You make a documentary about me?

Oh! What would... I guess I'm flabbergasted. I'm just... Okay. You want me to make a... You know, we talk about representation yes it's so important right now it's Asian Pacific Heritage Month

yes yes for now but pretty soon it won't be anymore unfortunately you're right and then conceivably it could be almost anybody month. All right, Sean.

Okay. Could it maybe be some, yeah. Yeah. Maybe a story that needs to be told is like a sort of Sean and Hayes type month. And you have to admit, it is weird only do like movies about people that look exactly like you isn't that strange i guess that wasn't my intention you guys it was more wow that you really screwed up okay no i meant i did intend to do one about myself and my family what were you trying to make it about i'm just saying that my intention wasn't to exclude you, is my point

that I was trying to make. And I admit that it came out wrong. I'm not saying you excluded us. I'm saying you excluded everyone in the world except yourself. Well, my family and like Scott's in it. Oh, great. I mean, Earwolf

appears in it. Oh, great. Scott's in it. What? What's wrong with Scott? Scott's in it Oh like Scott needs more documentaries about him This is the only one Oh please And he's not even the main subject As if we need another Scottumentary

This is unbelievable Okay You're a little You're a little flush right now And I just beg you to just take This is unbelievable. Okay. What is enough enough? You're a little flush right now, and I just beg you to just take a little bit of a breather because I just don't think this is the right tone to take. That's my opinion. Oh, yeah?

Oh, boy. What do you mean I'm a little flush? You have a little redness in your cheeks. You seem, you're piercing. Your eyes are piercing me. Mm-hmm. Hayes, can we talk about your project? I really just need to change the subject.

Open on Black Box Theater. Oh, God. Okay. I'm sitting in a chair pretending to drive a car. All right. Surrounding me are the other janitors at Harvard. Wait, guys, I think

I'm but this should be a true story. You know what I mean? Like documentaries are Good. It's about to be. What is that? Is that why you're in Boston? Huh? Is that why you're in Boston? Huh? Is that why you're in Boston?

Are you a Harvard janitor? I'm at the hobby shop On his way back Sorry Wait I'm confused The hobby shop is not Boston I'm confused how is this true You're not a janitor

It's the hobby shop I know but you're not a janitor Not anymore What what yeah that's his origin story i'm a podcaster now cleaning up all the other podcast mess i guess i'll always be a janitor okay there's something there um when did you start uh working first i was at second city i was trained at second city i we don't we're allowed to show that because too many secrets to funniness okay so we and so then i am going around being a janitor training the other janitors how to do improv every length of form okay every so short you're doing mainly medium it always begins with the driving okay

and how did that affect who you are now if this is your origin i'll tell you how okay i'm initiating a premise i say wow that was a great party and the other janitor is like yeah i wish you'd let me stay instead of kidnapping me and i'm like oh that's pretty good this guy's not bad then this little this little rich bookworm walks into the janitor's lounge and he's dragging a happyal ass behind him. Okay. Okay. And he has this little orbit of cronies

circling him. Like the Mario Kart shells that his dad is so in love with. Can I ask you what... The red shells, if you get more than one, they circle you. What does a happy meal ass mean?

I'm not familiar with that term. To have a happy meal ass. You know it when you see it. Tell him to stand up and do a little spit for you. Oh, we're talking about Sean. I feared as much. Are you near a biplane right now? Well, he's got to get those shells all the way home.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he can't take the wagon all the way from the hobby shop. He brought the wagon out to the biplane, and now you're going to fly him the rest of the way home. Are you in the plane right now? Yeah, I just got in the plane. Wow. Don't forget your goggles.

And it's dragging a banner behind it that says, get out of the way, shells. Hayes, I know you don't know this because you just came on, but Sean was talking about possibly doing an origin story. Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess I mentioned it. Yeah, I guess I mentioned

it. I don't even think the mics were on or anything because that's not what it was about. But yeah, I guess I maybe I... Oh, so you've heard this story already. Well, uh, not exactly. I, yeah. Um, uh... How I pulled his happy meal ass out of the gutter. It's not exactly how I remember it.

Was it an actual gutter? Like, did his ass fall in the gutter? Well, gutter was the name of Jon Favreau's character in PCU. And in the story, I'm attending college. So in a way, he's like pulling me out of the gutter type situation. Gutter was attending school at PCU Oh thanks for clarifying Yeah

Yeah I didn't follow that I just wonder if you guys should just combine your stories together Once we figure out exactly what the story is Because I feel like we're not there yet Okay What's Sean's story? You know good stuff Just a lot of similar a lot similar stuff uh okay not

you know not really drinking milk really in it and um okay sorry do you want to talk after the plane you wouldn't even take a sip you're scared to even have a sip well yeah just yeah well i guess guys i think we're we're we're getting past the heart of like you guys know what an origin story is i don't think we've figured it out yet like my schedule what my schedule is no i so busy i assumed you hadn't seen it, Hayes and I don't want any spoilers do you guys watch movies? you're not going to get no, the ultimate spoiler

is to watch a movie to completion plus TV is kind of where all the great storytelling is these days well, I just did you screen it at the party i might have been able to see it there um no it wasn't um that yeah no it wasn't a uh screening there was a separate screening separate screening there was a free uh screening at ucb last night you guys weren't there there was the la premiere downtown open to anybody and you guys can come on the 30th to the

Natural History Museum there you go I got married there okay so you'll return with your wife and you'll feel the love again while watching me cry she's busy he's saying he's not allowed back because he had an illegal wedding there wow

okay maybe that's an origin story that's juicy secret story. That's juicy. Secret wedding illegal. Yeah. And it made you change who you are. And you do things differently because of it, right? Yeah, I'll say. Okay, tell me.

Give me something. Well, a lot of times now if I want to do something, I got to go like, hey, do we have anything at this time? Or can I go do it? I didn't mean... So this is just like a Google calendar. You have a shared Google calendar with your wife. I don't... That's not... He was facing the wrong way and he accidentally married

an ox. Oh. Technically, legally, I'm married to an ox. At least I think it was an accident. So then you're cheating on your ox with your wife? Wait. You have... But it's a stuffed ox.

Right, but if you're legally bound to her? I don't want to judge. Her. The ox? Well, I think an ox is only a boy. Is that true? I don't know. Your shrug is so

aggressive. Female ox? I think so. Maybe. The female ox. The female ox. That's documentary, huh? Unpacking mysteries.

Was Jeff at the party? Jeff Beesness Oh I thought you said I thought you meant Ulrich No Wow did not mean To expose that Oh wow and now we know he wasn't there And what was going on for him

Busy or you guys don't talk anymore I mean I'm sure You know with all things it's a combination of both and what was going on for him. Busy or you guys don't talk anymore? I mean, I'm sure, you know, with all things, it's a combination of both. And who's to say where that lands? You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Interesting. But Jeff Bezos was there? No, no. It's not like they bought my film. It's just on Amazon Prime, available now. If Jeff Bezos was there, do you think... I think it's Bezos. It's Bezos. Okay.

And if he was there, do you feel like he would have shown you some of his dirty pictures? Like, if I asked, I think yes. I'm very... I think I'm very compelling. Very persuasive. Very persuasive.

Hayes, what do you think? You buying it? What would you... Wait, what would you have said? Yeah, good question. Hey, can I see your phone? Wow.

I just threw my phone straight ahead of me. You're on a plane. You'll never get it back. I know. You're going to have to do some sort of tricky loop-de-loo was jeff was jeff b davis that's amazing he's like the red baron well the red baron was like a war criminal yeah man bad boy

it was a bad boy It was such a bad boy And the Red Baron is cancelled The pizza's so good Was Jeff B. Davis there? Why didn't Snoopy want to be him? Or no, Snoopy wanted to kill him Snoopy's trying to kill him Snoopy's shooting her

So I think I would love to just Maybe get you both in a room. You're really dodging the question of whether Jeff B. Davis, Harmontown sidekick was there. He wasn't there. Jesus, man. He wasn't there. There's like no Jeffs at the entire party.

I'm picturing. So there's no Jeffs coming and there's still not room for Hayes. Wow. Guys, it just, you know, it was my birthday party as well, and there's just, like, limited space, and I don't mean to. Your birthday party makes it. Yeah. I just, well, I'm just saying.

So it's two parties I wasn't invited to. That's not, that is'm just saying it's two parties. I wasn't invited to. That's not, that is okay. It was one party. It was both my release and my birthday party. Cause they were five, 10, five,

11. It makes sense. Combine the parties. Right. And there's just, you know, limited space. I'm just saying,

I don't, sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry. There's no, this is awkward. I'm so sorry. Why limited space?

What do you mean? There's only so this is awkward. I'm so sorry. Why limited space? What do you mean? There's only so much square footage and that's empirical truth. Is that why you're moving? How do you know I'm moving? It was in the newspaper. No, I, you know, we, that was in the works for a while. It's unrelated. But sure, was it sort of like an opportunity to have an open house while those people were there?

To have a bigger party. Well, to have an open house. Are you, are you, are you in the market for a second home? Are you, because I, definitely a tour. Where are you moving to? I mean, I don't think we should talk about that. No, you don't have to give me the address, but tell me how big the house is. Okay, so you only talked to the freaking newspaper about it.

I didn't. That had nothing to do with that and it was actually upsetting. Are you better friends with the newspaper than with me? Okay. Hayes, I'm getting an idea for a little documentary of my own. Have you guys invited me to your birthday parties ever? Maybe it's me and you are doing a documentary about how cool up is nasty to us. I am never nasty to you.

Never. Sometimes it's more hurtful for you to be nice to my face and then behind my back have a million crazy parties. Are you peeping your plane's horn? Did you just almost hit a semi with your biplane? Yeah, I know. Sorry, I had to honk. Pull up! I was getting really depressed about the party situation,

and I was just kind of letting the plane drift. You were quiet for a minute before. It seems like maybe you almost passed out, and your head hit the horn, huh? From being depressed, yeah. It's like Charlie Brown. Sorry. I'm sorry I didn't invite you guys, okay?

I'm sorry. Do you accept my apology? Wow. No. No? Okay, if Hayes is going to go with no, I also have to say no. No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Someone was offering to watch my windshield. At a Sky Station? Where are you? I'm driving it now. It's biplane, which means that it is bi in the way of like two it is into being both a plane

and a car I don't think that's the yeah plane goes both ways plane goes both ways okay well so then do you accept my apology oh yes okay then I gotta have my boys back Okay, well, so then what do you accept my apology?

Oh, yes. Okay, then I got to have my boys back. I got to say yes, then. No, just think for yourself, Sean. Do you accept my apology? You don't have to, but just think. Yes, do I? It's like she wants you to say no.

She's addicted to conflict. And she's getting her fix right now. That's not true. I guess this documentary got you into like a reality show world where it just everything is some kind of crazy conflict. You're the one who was trying to do documentary without Hayes. What? That's why you brought me on. Hay Hayes what's she even talking about and he didn't Hayes he didn't even have he wanted me to create one an origin story he doesn't even have his own

you just lost oh yeah you just lost the role of your life I don't even know what he means you just blew it Kulab had agreed to portray you in the film, Hayes. I did it, Hayes. That's not true. She loves being in her own documentaries. Of course no one could ever portray you. She only wants to be in her own documentaries. I'm a short and Asian. It doesn't make sense. She was saying that she was really going to.

Were you going to put me on a rack and stretch me out? It doesn't make sense. She was going to out-Hays the Hays Man, she said. Never, never. No, I only have. Is that why I was voice called? Kulab says, let me play the haze man that's exactly right yeah that's that's not what happened oh god and that part will probably get

edited out of the episode too oh i'm sick to my stomach just thinking about how she controls this entire place i don't even i don't have a podcast who is it is it Jordan it's engineer Jordan hi oh jeez known trader and for a very low price what what

no don't wrap me up in this she's for sale god damn audio mercenary what why am I for sale a sell sword she has a freaking like

gas station like price ticker. Guys, this doesn't make sense. I don't have a podcast here. I'm only a guest. No, you don't have a podcast here. You have the whole goddamn fucking network. You think I'm Scripps?

You're the queen of Scripps. She basically just admitted it She just said I'm Scripps You think that I'm the wizard? I'm not the wizard Okay? It always seemed like kind of a fake story That you left Scripps

And moved into And you moved into unscripted Programming Sorry, something in my throat No, that is not That is not the case, you guys scripts and programming. Sorry, something in my throat. No, that is not the case, you guys. You have to believe me. It would have been in the documentary.

God, you didn't see it. Shit. My schedule. Schedules are nutso. I'm in a plane. I feel that your schedule is wide open if you're looking for shell homes

what who is that Hayes are you on a date with some sort of fancy countess is she in the back of your biplane? What is going on? What did you hear?

We heard the laugh of a fancy countess. Probably holding a picnic basket in her lap. That's what it sounded like. Okay. Please don't tell anyone I'm on a date. She is... Okay, let me I'm on a date. She is...

Okay, let me walk away for a second. She is wearing this shell that I would like to get up into. Oh, shell for two. What? Mm-hmm. Okay. For now. too. Oh, shell for two. What?

Okay. For now. Huh? Wait, are you going to con her out of her shell? This is like a dirty, rotten, scoundrel situation, or more recently, the hustle. This is the hustle.

This is the hustle. You're in your garbage bag dress, correct? Thank you, trashy dress. This is a, guys, I know we were finding before, but this may be an origin story. What's happening right now in real time. Oh. How Hayes found his shell. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's so interesting. So often people tell a story of finally coming out of their shell, but for Hayes, really, he didn't start living life until he got into one. To dove in, yeah. Until I came into my shell. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay. Of course, there's going to have to be some sort of arc where you're more changed than just having a physical shell. You'll have to, you know, grow, maybe. Do you feel okay doing that? Hayes, you're pretty big already. Did you grow in years?

Yes, emotionally. I'm still 5'5". What'd you grow? What'd you grow? I'm more confident now. Really? What is that supposed to mean? Sean?

I don't know. What? What? Are you saying I'm not confident? I'm saying I don't see a big difference. All right. Okay, fine. That's your opinion.

I also grew My community I have more community now The show? I'm not part of the show Jeff B. Davis is friends Oh yeah the show I am friends with Jeff Davis

Aha Why didn't he like us? What are you talking about? We did the show And the whole time he's kind of looking at us like What the fuck? Wait you did what show? Hermantown

Oh well I don't know I can't speak for him I'm just a friend Did you do that? No never asked Some community I wasn't talking about The community of white males

That's covered I'm fine Maybe someone should be talking about the community of white males For once Save the males Guys Do you think maybe co-opting Save the males. Guys, do you think maybe co-opting important movements is maybe not the best thing to do in this, you know, just the climate that we're in? Okay, so I'm going to co-opt an unimportant movement? I'm not going to go very far.

All right, we'll try. Okay. Well, it's like a really unimportant movement. Damn it. I feel like I really walked you into that. Okay, let me think. Well, it's something that doesn't matter. God damn it.

I made a mistake. I'm sorry, ladies. I'm sorry, POCs. I made a mistake. I'm trying to think of one. You know, the disenfranchised, the people in the fringes. I thought I was doing good and then I fucked up. What is one that just

sucks? I'm sorry. Cooking beans from scratch instead of buying canned beans. That's good. Okay, so now you co-opt that. Let me hear it.

Alright. So then it's me. So Hayes, how do we do that? Cooking beans from scratch. People are telling people to do that. How do we kind of make that about us? I guess we... Cook my beans.

Yeah, that's right. Instead of cooking your own beans, why don't you cook my beans instead? Yeah. Cook my beans, Bublé. Cook my beans, Bublé. Huh? Wow, okay. So that maybe is episode

two of the series that we cracked earlier. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. It's a spinoff. It's a spinoff? From a backdoor pilot? Think like a billionaire.

Think like a Bezos. Billionaire mindset. Where's Hayes? think think like a think like a billionaire think like a besos billionaire mindset thank you i where's hayes oh there's bees nose jeff bees nose have you ever seen the twitter feed billionaire mindset i haven't oh god they have the best tips on wealth you gotta think like a billionaire yeah and here's my first example of thinking like a billionaire. Oh, God, I buy whatever I want. Oh, my God. I can buy literally anything. All the shells.

Doesn't matter. Oh, right. And that's. Here, let me do that. Okay. Just pulling up my bank statement. Wow. Wow.

Thinking like a billionaire wowie zowie and i'll take us back to reality with another billionaire mindset still not enough whoa wow cool wow it's Oh, I just hurt my foot. And all the money in the world is still... I still have a hurt foot. Think about that. I'm thinking. And I'm actually really happy that you guys have forgiven me and that we're all good now.

Oh, yeah. I never cared. That hurts more than I thought it would even more than Sean's foot I don't think so I don't know about that I just it was I don't know

I'm being dramatic but maybe like a knife it's appropriating in a way isn't it no now I'm now I'm her oh now I'm her also It's appropriating in a way, isn't it? No. Now I'm hurt. Oh, now I'm hurt also. Yeah, now we're all hurt.

But I can have that feeling, if you have that feeling. You don't own being hurt, Hayes. Well, then I can also feel like I need to figure out who my parents are. First of all, they're not as funny as me. Wait. Do you not know who your parents are? I certainly at least don't know where my funniness came from. Yeah.

That is interesting. I have often wondered, where's all this funniness spewing out of? Because I'm up to here with it that must be something maybe I go around and I look for this that's not a bad idea I certainly feel like it's worth

at least like a super deluxe oh yeah that'd be good get some content up there sure to last forever I mean it's actually no way super deluxe folds a third time Sure to last forever. I mean, I think it's actually... No way Super Deluxe folds a third time.

Sorry, I'm busking. What's going on? Are you at a fair? A Ren Fair? Where are you? No, I ran out of gas. I got to make a little scratch. Let's do this.

I wish I was with you shooting this this could be the documentary this is the most interesting story where are you do you guys know this song yeah you gotta hide your love away Why? That's my question. Well, that's maybe a documentary. That is. Guys, we landed on something. I'd love to direct this. Please. Look, there was a time when society would not have accepted

your biplane. Now it's normal. But there was a time when a plane like that would have to hide its level way. Okay. I guess I do get it. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm in.

Collapse making the wrap it up sign. Alright, bye. Hollywood Handbook.