Hollywood Handbook - Kumail Nanjiani, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

Sean and Hayes describe what pilot season is and describe the new show they've been working on. Then, KUMAIL NANJIANI stops by to talk to the guys about their company, their favorite super heroes, and their upcoming video game. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery asks about @midnight, Pakingstan, and the best computers.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm talking to naz rapper and he is going like he's seeing the william sisters currently and i was like oh naz like you don't know like they're not sisters and it's like what are the you actually thought that that was like a real thing that like two good tennis players would be from like same family like he didn't realize that no he actually thought it was a real thing are you sure. Are you sure he wasn't putting you on? The way he looked, he was so surprised. And he had said he was so excited to be dating real sisters.

He'd been saying that over and over again, which is why I felt like I had to come in and be like, you know it's just like, the name of their team is like the sisters, but they're not actually real sisters with each other. Yeah, well, because there's only, if you think of just the numbers of people who does sports and then the numbers of people who is actually excelling, then the odds that you would actually be related

to somebody who's doing the sports that high, you can't. It's impossible. And for him to be, I mean, he had been very excited that he got sisters to kiss. And to watch that sort of be taken away from him by me. I wish I had said nothing, honestly. I don't know why I should be punished for it. But you're a truth warrior.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. And it's our guide to kicking butt and dropping names with the right carpet linebacker. Always in this industry we call showbiz. Quick announcement. We're very, very excited for the new developments that have been going on with Sean and I. It is pilot season. This is the season where it's not for flying a plane. So, yes, and just for you guys, so you, where you live, have season like it's summertime. Or it's snowing now but in hollywood since we don't have snow what we have is pilot season and now say your thing about the plane and it's not for being a plane flyer. It's for making a TV show out of a new story.

Oh, and Brett put this in earlier. What up, what up? Yes. So it's for making TV show out of a new story. And we have probably the newest story of all. Yeah, we have a show that we've been developing for a while, sort of in secret. We have a show that we've been developing for a while sort of in secret. We had an idea that we've always really loved, which is about a guy loses job and he goes home and he now has to live with his dad.

But at the same time, his dad has gotten divorced. Yes. And now he has to go live with his grandpa. With the dad's grandpa yes yes and so so now this original guy is living with his great grandpa and his dad and his dad yeah oh and the grandpa has a very young son yes who's younger than the main guy yes very young like a baby so and then so that baby technically is the main guy's grandpa because he's his great grandpa's son and it's also the dad of the main guy's dad so like if you think about that dynamic of a baby being your grandpa bossing

you around and when he says like i want more cheerios or something and you really have to take that seriously because this guy was basically in world war ii because he's your grandpa so that is such a rich area for us it was going to be called baby grandpa now with all this stuff with the dress going on they want to sort of parlay that that dress that's different colors into the show so it's going to be called whites and golds where like some of the guys they have different last names some of their last names are white and some of them are gold. Yes. And we've taken our share of shots at the dress and people who talk about the dress. And I think that, you know, at the same time that we did say, like, we should talk about ISIS, also it's relevant. The dress is relevant.

And now that we are engaged in – It brings us together. And it is scientifically important. So it's – So we weren't wrong? We sat down for a couple meetings and we can see the other side of it as well.

These opinions can coexist. We weren't wrong to talk about the other stuff, but at the same time and it's not because we're being paid to do the show necessarily, but it is it doesn't hurt for us to really take a good long look at what color is this dress and should we be talking about it for

a few days and hopefully for a few years to come because the dress is the star of the show as much as baby grandpa is and so we have a lot of very exciting casting announcements to share we have we have set our cast do you want to go into some of the different people that we have playing some of the characters absolutely absolutely um one of the most challenging roles for us to cast was the main guy and a lot of that was because the way that the wind is blowing and comedy skewing more female and so we didn't really want a guy to play that role and so it's going to be played by roseanne barr and we're so women are funny and we're so excited to have her on board we grew up knowing about her and so now to like actually see her and know what

she looks like it's like wow it's like it's an exciting thing for just a comedy fan yes we are and to see her on tv and to know that she's been on tv before and isn't that enough and maybe the most important thing uh whether she's necessarily right for the role and that is a conversation we had the dad so there's like the main guy, the dad on the show is going to be played by Tom Hiddleston, the guy who was Loki in the superhero movies. Yes. His dad. He's Loki, yes. So it's Loki's dad, like that actor's dad, because at one point he was going to be kind of the main guy. It was,

it was going to be like a fun thing where Tom Hiddleston and his real dad were going to be sharing the screen for the first time. Um, he is unable to do it. He, um, he's, he's,

he is going to do the Avengers movie instead. He had told us that he had decided not to do that anymore. Uh, but he is going to go and do that. But we still do have his dad. And for those who think, oh, well, you couldn't get a big franchise movie star to join. Well, you're wrong because the great grandpa character is going to be played by the guy who is Peeta in those Hunger Games movies. And he's going to be in old man makeup. And so...

Huge, huge name right now. We can't believe, actually, that we got him. I couldn't believe I'm talking to the guy who plays Pita. And he's host SNL, and he's such a star, and it's Josh something. And so to have him as the great grandpa and the gravitas it brings. And the voice of the dress is going to be Dennis Leary.

It's fun to see a sweet thing like a dress and then to hear some of the sour things that come out of his mouth. That Dennis has to say. And he's not, and I'll tell you something, the dress is not too pleased with these Starbucks it sees popping up everywhere. And it's going to probably have a thing or two to say about that. And it's mocha latte frappe.

I just want a cup of coffee. And so you'll be seeing some of that out of Dennis and what he thinks about Cindyindy crawford and how and her body so we'll be tracking the like a lot of stuff is going to be going on with the show we have a table read set for next week the dress wishes it was on cindy crawford because dennis then would feel like he was touching so yes the table table read next week we have um shooting week after that uh editing oh and the baby and the baby's the baby's baby yes i yes the grandpa baby grandpa which is yes we and it's sort of where the idea came from because my baby was kind of bossing me around a little bit and i said

sort of like what are are you, my grandpa? And at the time, you know, you think it's just a funny joke. But then it becomes like, wait, you actually should be a grandpa on a show. You know, like that came from somewhere. Yeah, no. There's a reason I said that. It's because you should be a grandpa. Because he could play it, yeah.

But, yeah, the table read we're so excited about. And some of the people that are going to sit in to do punch-up on that table read and we'll just name some of those writers right now. And they're not necessarily people who you always think of as writers first, but that is what capacity they're going to be there in. Tevin Campbell. Condoleezza Rice. Janet Reno.

Smokey the Bear. Janet Jackson. The guy who used to play for the los angeles kings joe thornton the uh little creatures from the quizno subs ads uh they're like uh little furry creatures an ice cream cone tom sandoval from vanderpump rules so those are just some of the people who are going to be doing punch-up for us. You'll get to have this window into the process that a lot of people don't normally get. So we are going to track it in real time. Lots more to come over the next few weeks.

Yeah, look forward to next week. We'll tell you how the table read went and just the progress. With whites and golds. FKAKA baby grandpa so we have a great guest today a lot of you guys have listened to him talk about video games but never quite like

this and watch him on a TV show and so this will be a real treat for you and Kumail Nanjiani is going to be up in one second on Hollywood Handbook so it's me and uh david copperfield and he's like nothing at my sleeves right and i look right i look in there and there is like a huge booger inside his sleeve and so what do you do? Do you say like, actually there is something? I don't know if it's part.

He's asking me if there's anything up there. But he just didn't realize he had like probably wiped his sleeve. I think he just fired it into his sleeve and forgot. And it was like a ping pong ball. And you're mic'd and there's a whole Vegas crowd. Yes, and so I don't know. Am I supposed to notice it or not? What do you do?

When that happened to me? Yeah. Oh, right. I said, um, David, I think you may want to check if there's something up your sleeve. I've got a big laugh. Anyway, there's a guest here. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Hand handbook an insider's guide to kicking button dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz

what up what up um corker corker corker is a word that we use sometimes uh for guests that we have and this one is gotta be one of those for sure i think if we didn't use it this time we'd get letters why didn't you say corker you know him from tv show from doing podcast right guilty it's kumail stand up and yes kumail thank you for having me hi thanks uh we you and i and Thanks. You and I, and Sean as well, and Engineer Brad actually go pretty far back, I guess. We've been sort of kicking it for a while now. Yeah. Always in these adjoining circles. You know, never necessarily the three of us just throwing down. No.

But always in the same sort of vicinity. Our circles have intersections. And I see you with, you know, when I'm out with Jerry sometimes, we'll run into each other. Yes, yeah. Like Courtney, right? Okay, yes. Okay, yes. Uh-oh, story's there.

R.I.P. R.I.P. Yeah, she, what happened to her is very mysterious to me still. Yeah. How, like, all of a sudden, she's gone one day. Yeah. She's disappeared. Yeah.

House is gone. Mm-hmm. Entire house. It's an empty lot. Yes. Yeah. And I remember there being a house there yeah

I think the neighbors remember it almost everybody remember and everybody had the same reaction they were like wasn't there a house there

I have a picture of me in front of the house doing thumbs up like this is definitely a house and did you did you go back and look at the picture

and the house disappeared picture's gone yeah yeah picture's gone too that's crazy all picture and the house disappeared? Picture's gone, yeah. Picture's gone, too. That's crazy. All evidence of the house is gone. Courtney's gone. And so I think we say RIP because we don't really have any.

It helps us cope with. I like to think she's out there on the island with Tupac and Bill Cosby. No, Bill Cosby's on this island. He's still on this island, but he's headed for that island. He is. Yeah. He is. Yeah. He is. That's going to be a sad day when Bill goes, huh?

He's affected so many lives. Just like, oh, such a positive. That's what you want to do is affect as many lives as you can. Just get into someone else's life. I talk all the time about really making a difference. Yeah. He's really, I mean, people changed people's lives forever. They will never forget

when they met Boba. That's what you want to do. So many people. He's just really, really gotten in there and touched so many people. Now, Kumail, you sort of have made this reputation for yourself that I love, which is being,

you call yourself the number one nerd. Yes, yes, yeah. Nerd-in-isto. Yes, and we talk all the time about how nerds is being cool now. Yes, yes. And quite frankly, the bullies are pumping our gas. And the nerds are on top, and the nerds won, and nerds are king. Right, bullies are pumping our gas on our way to recording hit podcasts.

Yes, and you don't see the bulliest podcasts, for example. There is no bullest podcast. No, they can't. No, they can't because they wouldn't even know how to make it or listen. They get frustrated with technology. They'd be smashing their phones. This is the football, Edgar. Yes.

Yes, my guy's name. And so... Speak on that. Edgar was just, he was one of those, you know, he would use me for homework and stuff. He would use you? He would turn you in as homework? Basically, pretty much.

He made you become homework. I mean, pretty much. He would show up to my house. I mean, pretty much, you know? You could say that. The humiliations of pretending, you would show up to my house. I mean, pretty much, you know? You could say that. The humiliations of pretending to be homework for all these jocks. I mean, it was like, oh, today I'm geography. Mathematics.

But aren't you grateful in a way? I mean, is that part of what made you? I mean, listen, to want something that hasn't, to wish that anything different had happened to you is to wish to be a different person. And I want to be myself, number one nerd. Yes. So really, you know, everything that's happened to you has made you who you are.

Yes. Every time I get food poisoning, I have to remind myself, like, it's good. This is good. Yeah, it is. Because I want to be who I am. Well, food poisoning is great. You lose three to four pounds, like, a day. Oh, food poisoning is great. You lose three to four pounds a day. Oh, gosh.

It's great to get. They have these little worms you can buy if you have a test screening or something. Yeah. They're called test worms, right? Test worms, yes. And they flush it all out. And they shred you. They just absolutely shred you.

That stuff is great. That stuff is great. That stuff is great. Well, since we have you here, you know about our new sort of video game shingle, right? That we have. The video game production company we're doing. You guys have a shingle? Well, because you know, like video games is like being inside movies. Like it used to be movies. You just sit there in the chair, you know?

And now it's like teleport inside movie. Huh. You know? I like that. And there's binocular rifts and all the different machine, and we're doing it too. Binocular rifts is like being fun movies. Yes. Yeah. Do you know about this? Yeah. Binocular rifts is like being fun movies. Yes.

Do you know about this? Binocular rifts? Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the future. And you're inside it, and you're doing it, and we've made a fun one for kids and for grownups. Your shingle has?

Yes. So it's the first big release from Comic Books Video Games. Because we love Comic Books. It's like one of our first loves. And so Comic Books Video Games is what we named our company after. I don't want to be a naysayer here, but that's going to be very difficult to Google. Is that because we have video games comic books is our comic book line

so as long as they're being sent to one of those it's it's all money in our pocket yeah okay so

you have a video game company that's called you have a video game company called comic books video games comic books video games

and then your video game company's called our comic our comic book company is called video games comics right or comic books yeah yeah because people who read comics or like video games well i mean they're starting to yes have you guys tried to google your own company just like i know you have it in bookmarks or whatever you know you keep saying google but

i think it's funny to say bing and i don't know if anyone's tried using that, but I think that is funny. Bing. Have you guys tried binging your video games comic book? It's not up there. It's not in the – we know it's not there, so why look? I would say it's sort of too generic. You've got to come up with something more specific. Is it books, video games?

Has the train left on this? Is it – no. You want it to be called regular books video games? That's not... At least that is more specific. Even though it's a wider range of books because it's just regular books.

More specific than comic books? I don't know. Comic books are fun. But what about my passion? Listen, you can use your passion. Who's your favorite superhero? Listen, you can use your passion. Who's your favorite superhero? Oh, the monster. The monster.

Remind me about the monster again. He's got those eyes. Yes. Strong. Strong eyes. So he's the superhero that has eyes and is strong?

Yes. That's his niche. He's got super eyes. And stay out of his way, Kumail, if you're a baddie. Is he's the superhero that has eyes and is strong? Yes. That's his niche? He's got super eyes. And stay out of his way, Kumail, if you're a baddie. Is he, okay, let me try and, is he like, you don't want to get him angry? Is that? No, you do want to get him angry. You do want to get the monster angry because?

Oh, I want to see him angry because I want to see him pound on some baddies. Okay, all right. So, okay, so let's say it's the monster. Who's your second favorite? That's very generic sounding. Still, you can't name it monster video games. Second favorite? Yeah.

X-Man. X-Man. X-Man. X-Man. It's the guy? Yeah, the X-Man. Yes. Which one is he?

Plays his iPhone. Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. So you could name it. And it's during the day. That's his cover, you know, playing his iPhone. Is he making money playing his iPhone?

He must. He must, yeah. Weddings. Yeah. Yeah. Weddings. Where else would he play? But weddings happen at night. So then does he have to choose sometimes?

It's all day weddings, all outdoor ceremonies. Yeah, destination weddings. In the Northeast, yeah. Yeah. So Comic Books Video Games is the video game company. Yes. Okay. And you guys are doing a game, you said?

Well, yes. And we've got a lot of the action stuff done, but what we think is so cool is these parts of the game where you are just watching a scene that's kind of like a TV show scene, but not quite as good. It's like a tiny TV show inside the game that you can't play.

Yes, you can't really interact with. That's the best part. So for you guys, the best part of the video game is the part that's least like a video game? You could say that, but this is a video game, Pumail. Forgetting to having to play the video game, now you get to watch.

Then you get the information about the mission. For me, I like playing the game itself, but you know, they're called cutscenes, right? Is that what you guys are referring to? Cutscenes? I think we should leave them in. That's an interesting suggestion. I think we should leave them

in the game. Cut scenes is what they're called. I see... Now that you say it like that, I don't know why they're called that. Mm-hmm. Honestly.

Because they're in there. The ones I'm talking about. I know what a cut scene is. Okay, yeah. It's everything Brett's ever shot. You know what a cut scene is okay yeah it's everything uh brett's ever shot you know i mean engineer brett right burn yes it is true brett i mean it is true that everything he's ever shot he was there too yeah yeah okay are we gonna talk about this here no it's a totally different brett had not your. Brett had a sizable role in one of our latest films,

and it was a big break for him, and we wound up having to remove every single one of his lines. What were you playing, Brett? The monster. You were playing the monster? Yeah. And the monster got cut out? Yeah.

No room. What was the movie called? Monster's Ball. Yeah, it had to change. It was called Monster's Ball initially. had to change it was called monster's ball initially okay because it's a prison movie right there to change it uh-huh and then what did you guys change it to well i don't want to say because i don't want anyone to steal it and i don't want to jinx it but i think it's saying the name of your movie that's coming out is not jinxing it.

That's just marketing. That's just preparing people. I hate to jinx it. You know, this business is so volatile. I don't get why all these people go around jinxing their own movies. Every time someone's got a movie out, they go on. The posters are jinxing it all over town.

Okay. All right. I mean, like, there's posters for Insurgent everywhere now. Wait, there's already a movie called Insurgent? Okay, yes. Yeah. It's like a feature. Kids are in it. Oh, man.

Yeah, alright. But how did that movie... It's not out yet. No, not officially. We're still dealing with distributors. It's such a long process, isn't it? That whole making a deal yes

deal is hard yes contracts what are your favorite deal making tips um I would say never look them in the eye

that's like one of my rules Medusa yeah and then for me it's power moves so you gotta do that thing where you go in for the handshake

and then like you just sort of fix your hair too slow too slow do the too slow you gotta do that some people will tell you where you go in for the handshake and then you just sort of fix your hair. Too slow. Too slow. You gotta do that. Some people will tell you when you go in, don't ask for anything. I go in and ask for very specific stuff like Diet Mountain Dew. They never have Diet Mountain Dew. And then I get sort of angry.

But they're confused because I'm not looking at them. And I go for the handshake three, four times in a row. Do they always fall for it? I think at some point they know it's coming, but they're just sort of, they want to grab the hand. They want to see if they can be fast enough. They never are.

Anyone ever caught you? No? No. I've never made a deal. But these are my tips. Well, you keep them wanting more that way try and drop racial terms if you can good example just you know the b1 oh yes yeah the d1 do that okay yep um the m1 the m1 okay boy all right we're go there. He's going deep. Do the M words. Speaking of racial terms, we do want to record some of these cut scenes today. So what's the story of this game?

Wait, you guys are recording the cut scenes today? Yeah, well, as long as we have you on mic and you're a video game guy. I mean, look, you're one of the top nerds. The top nerd. Yes. Number one top nerd. Yes. Number one top nerd. Exactly. But I can't just record.

Why don't you guys go through my manager and stuff? Well, I feel like the stuff we've gotten so far from you is not really going to work for a cut scene necessarily. Or the cut scene is going to be very, not boring. No, but it's not going to match up with the story that we have in mind okay yeah i'm not saying that you just use what i'm saying and put it in your video game but we sort of have to you know go through the proper channels and stuff to do it but it's a video there are no channels it's yes that's tv you're thinking of television and i get confused about

the same stuff because video stuff because models are changing. Video game is channel 3. You have to go to channel 3. And that's the only one that does the video game. Because that's just where it's plugged in. That's what the Genesis is plugged in. Ed Hayes' house, yeah. So you do, yes. You get it. So yes, you're getting it.

So this is a scene where the main guy is the fight-haver. The game's called Fight-Haver. And he is talking to his boss about there's a fight he has to go out and do, a specific fight that's like his mission. So he has fights. Yeah, he has fights. Yes, in a lot of it, yeah.

Fight-haver. Yeah, fight-haver. And parenthetical? Fast Drive. Fast Drive? Yes. Fight Haver or Fast Drive? This is the Fast Drive edition.

What's his name? Oh, okay. It's like a special edition. Right. Yes. Okay, so what's his name? What's his character's name? Fight Haver.

No, his name is Fight Haver. Yes. And he also has fights is Fight Haver. Yes. And he also has fights. That worked out. Yes. Well, it was a case of mistaken identity. Okay. So what was he before his identity was mistaken?

Lunch Lady. Lunch Lady. Okay. Yes. But just in the wrong neighborhood, you know? And it could happen to anyone. Yeah. So it's Fight Haver and he has fights.

Fast drive? Yeah. Well, he's got to get to the fight to anyone. Yeah. So it's Fight Haver, and he has fights. Fast drive? Yeah. Well, he's got to get to the fight. Right, sure. You know, and he doesn't want to be late. There's a sense of urgency. Mm-hmm. Sure.

Okay. Yeah. This sounds great. So it's like a GTA Grand Theft Auto kind of game, you guys are... Mm-hmm. Would that be good? Yeah, I mean, those games are very popular. I think they're...

Okay, perfect. Wait, but don't you already have the game ready? Why are you asking me? Mm-hmm. You have the game, right? You made the game? Yeah, we got a bunch of it, yes. Okay.

Have you guys done the engine? Graphic? The engine, yeah. Graphic. That's how the car goes. Well, if you... I mean, he doesn't... I don't know if he has it in his yeah. That's how the car goes. Well, if you... I mean, he doesn't... I don't know if he has it in his backpack,

but his has drawn a lot of this stuff, and it looks badass. Dude, the punching... I'm getting good at muscles. Okay. Yeah. He's making muscles, engines, everything. Okay, now feet.

My feet still kind of look like little pizza slices. I really don't know what to do about that. The fights are more punches than kicks right now just because the feet part is not tracking. Okay. It looks like someone's wearing pizza slices. It's part of why we want to focus so much on the cut scenes, and I think what we're finding is we need the cut scenes

to fill more of the game than we expected. Okay. Alright. So, you're finding that there's gaps where the game doesn't exist. When, like, a guy should be kicking someone. Instead, now we need to probably

go to one of these cutscenes you're talking about. Before you guys made a game that was primarily kicking-based, you should have... It was at least half. Yeah. You should have seen if the lead designer could draw feet. Oh, well, he thought he could. Okay.

I made a lot of promises. You took his word for it. Yeah. You were like, I promise I can draw feet. Well, and we're working on a cut scene that explains why the feet look like pizza slices as well that's smart which is maybe that's a big part of this cut scene actually not that with the boss okay especially guy was a lunch lady so maybe yeah you know stepped on a pizza okay sure so let's do it but so uh let's go into it brett i'll be the yes i'll yeah

if brett wants to queue up the what we have and then um then I'm doing the voice of the big boss. I guess you'd be the main character in the game. You can just be the fight haver. And I'll be the guy. There's a guy who comes in. Okay. Great. Great fight, fight haver.

Oh, wait. We've already started? I don't have a script. Stop asking questions. Now, you got another fight to do, and this one's for big money, boy, and you better get there on time, so drive fast. Hey, can you hand me that chalice behind you? Ah, it's me, Crash Bandicoot.

I'll take that chalice. Thank you very much, Fight Haver. And try to challenge me to a fight sometime. Yeah. He keeps doing that to me. Hey. You think I'm a cool guy, right? Uh.

Yeah. Yeah, I do, sir. Yeah, yeah. You're a good guy. Yeah. My daughter, she, uh. Okay. yeah yeah I do sir yeah yeah you're a good guy yeah my daughter she uh okay

she doesn't really connect with me wow you said I should get to the fight pretty quickly right yeah no it's important

it's important you gotta split well you said I have a fight and there's urgency so I gotta get in the car drive fast over there yeah

so I'm gonna go no you should you should it just yeah she sucks about Yeah. So I'm gonna go. No, you should. You should. It just, yeah, she... Sucks about your daughter, but I'm gonna... A quick story, though. I'm dropping her off at school and I see some kids walking by

and she ducks down because she doesn't want to be seen with her dad. She ducked her head down in the car. Yeah. Okay. You know, how does that make me feel me feel look I know she's a kid teenagers all that but yeah I mean I feel like I've heard

dad's talk I don't have any kids so I kind of really relate but I should go for the fight? yeah with the big money I'm gonna go need that for another chalice that was my last chalice.

Okay. Then you go. Do you need anything? I'm good. I've got gas in the car. Okay. It's me, Crash Bandicoot. I'll take that gas. Thank you very much. Uh-oh.

Did he just take the gas from my car? Yeah, he had a real long straw and I think he sucked it right out. He siphoned it. Oof. But, oh, the guy you're fighting... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me more about the guy

I'm fighting. That's good. It's Wario. Wario? Okay, yeah, he's evil. So, I'm gonna go. Can I do a It's Wario. Wario? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He's evil. Yeah. So I'm going to go. Can I do a real quick sidebar to this scene? Are you asking me? Yes. Yeah. Have you guys licensed?

I feel like you're saying a lot of characters that are licensed property. Well, we love these characters. Yeah. A lot of people do. Well, a mistake. You don't have to license it if you make good characters bad guys. So Crash Bandicoot, normally known as a good character, in this one he's sort of the primary villain. We are going to cut you saying Wario's evil and we're going to make him a good guy.

Yeah, Fight Havoc's bad. So Fight Havoc's the bad guy. Yeah, Wario's good. You kind of want Wario to win. You're controlling Fight Haver, but you're like, why am I doing this? The way I think about it, and he and I have worked in movies for a while, and you don't really necessarily want to make a movie with

actors no one's ever heard of before. Do you know what I mean? So, if you're making a video game, you kind of want to use the A-list celebs. Yeah, but I think you need to get permission. Like, have you contacted Nintendo or Sony? Well, these are fictional. They hate us.

And you can't. These are fake characters. They can't. Crash Bandicoot is not going to agree to be. No, but. See, this is a thing. No, I understand. This is a source of confusion for you.

No, it's not. You're thinking of movies and TV shows. I understand. This is like a bunch of pixels. I know what it is. It's not movies and tv shows i understand this is like a bunch of pixels i know what it is it's not a real person i'm not suggesting you call fucking crash bandicoot what i'm saying is the person that created crash bandicoot sony owns them you should call sony and be like hey we're gonna make crash bandicoot a bad the primary bad guy and fight Havar fast drive. Kumail, I'd rather not get hacked.

Thanks. It seems like a trick to get us hacked. Oh, email this company with all your ideas. Okay. All right. Okay. Warrior, did you call Nintendo? They don't have a hacking scandal.

You call Nintendo. Wario's a good guy in this. What don't you understand he's being a good guy so if i took like a bad guy and just made him a good guy i could use him like i could take if i if i made a movie with superman's evil i could do that yes what do you guys hear that? I don't know if that's true. Oh, well. Sean told me. Hayes asked me and I told him. So your source is him. What's your source?

I checked with my dad. Your dad told you? Mm-hmm. What does your dad do? Is he a... He's a retired police officer. Okay. So there's legal stuff. He knows law.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'd say so. Okay. Sure. Mm-hmm. All right. Okay. So there's legal stuff. He knows law. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'd say so. Okay, sure. Mm-hmm. All right. Okay. Should we get the action dialogue?

Yeah, let's get the action dialogue locked in, and then we probably got to get into the, you know. Some of these questions? Yeah, sure. Some of these questions, yeah. Did we finish that scene? Yeah. Yeah, that scene.

Did we get that, Brett? Yeah, we got it. You cut me out of it, I noticed. Yeah, there was that whole thing that you had in there that, yeah, that scene, did we get that, Brett? Yeah, we got it. You cut me out of it, I noticed. Yeah, there was that whole thing that you had in there. Yeah, that's not going to be on the podcast. Yeah, unfortunately. But the bad news is you were playing Lex Luthor as a bad guy, so then we can't use him, right?

Yes, that was a big part of it. And we were pretty clear about that, yeah. Yeah, if you made him a good guy yeah according to sean's police dad yeah well it's like and then you'll see in our in some of our video games comics books we're using lex luther but he's doing all nice stuff he's a former police dad now he's just dad he's yeah just full-time dad okay and part-time uh barbecue chef he's uh make the hamburger sandwich so this is stuff where you're just running through. It's like France in the old army times.

You know? What time is that? Just like the big army fight. You know? World War II? Yes. Thank you. So that's like the fight-haver's biggest fight of all is going to be World War II.

So this is a period piece. It's set during World War II? Well, he has different fights all through times. Oh, it's like a Turtles in Time, but... Yes, but with Fight Haver. Yes, thank you. So that was our pitch. And so you're just running through old France,

and you need wild wild sound like stuff for people to say uh-huh uh and so just we just have a list of things for you to record sure is that okay yeah okay i mean it's still non-standard that this is happening but do you want to do yours the boss so i'm just setting him up for the different things action lines through time well okay well no

you could do that as the boss but that's just in the studio but it would be fun for you to do it as your boss character but that's not going to be recorded

we don't need lines for the boss character right now if you want to pretend to be the boss as you feed if that helps you yeah if that helps you,

good, but Brett's going to take it all out. Okay. Hang on, let me get into character as the boss. You don't really need to because it really is not going to be used in the game. So all of a sudden this guy knows more about my game than me. I think he's

right. I'm just hearing Hayes talk about it and that's what it sounds like. It sounds like... We're just feeding him lines. We're just feeding me so you don't need to get into character. Do you want to get into character and I'll feed him some of the lines?

Yes, I'm going to get into character for a moment, and the boss is Dennis Farina. Oh, yeah. R.I.P. Very mysterious what happened to him as well. And his house is gone, too. Okay, so you're running through old France and you say, like, come on. Right now?

Yeah. Come on. But, like, being really scared. Come on. Yeah, that's good. Okay. And you'd be like, over here. Over here.

Okay. And I'd be like, quick, get in the shower. How does this, what part of the game would you say that? It's a safe place. You got to be clean. It's a safe place for them to go. Get clean. In the game, the character gets dirty and has to clean himself.

Well, he wants to be safe. And also he and his best friend uh need to get clean they shower together well there's that's a ton of time well let's figure you know let's let's first they have to get in the shower okay all right so what am i saying quick get in the shower quick get in the shower okay so now say well as long as we're in here. Wow. I feel like this is going a weird. Well, as long as we're in here.

Yeah, but more suggestive. Suggesting what? Just, it's fine. We can use that. You're trying to take this best friend relationship into a different place. And what's the best friend's name? Jessica. Because I need to get into character it's my process jessica jessica okay you guys grew up together you've known each other since you were babies okay or since she was a baby and you were like she's not my sister and i was a grown-up you were like not a grown-up but you were like 17. Wow. So it's not a grown up.

It's a pretty big. You're still a kid. I can drive a car. You're both kids. I can drive a car and she hasn't found her hands yet. Okay. But when she does, she knows. Oh, God.

Okay, so there's a pretty big age gap. Okay, so as long as we're in okay so as long as we're in here as long as we're in here like that yeah yeah that's yes that's good that's well actually and you did the next line was going to be like that yeah and then the next one yes yes just like that perfect yeah perfect and now just a couple smoochies smoochies what do you mean i'm not gonna do smoochies what are smoochies i can do the smoochies and we'll tell if it's him so the boss is gonna ask you to do some stuff now. Okay. So this is the boss who gives me my missions, like the next fight, and he's got Crash Bandicoot ruining his life.

Hand me that hammer, Charlie Brown. Wait, am I saying that? Yes. Oh, okay. So I'm saying you're just in character pitching me the line. Yes. Hand me that hammer. It's okay. Don't be nervous. Okay. So I'm saying you're just in character pitching me the line. Yes. Hand me that hammer. It's okay.

Don't be nervous. Okay. I'm a little thrown by the shower scene a little bit. No, no. Nothing else like that. So Charlie Brown's a bad guy? Mm-hmm. Charlie Brown's a bad guy?

So you can use him? You made him from a good guy to a bad guy? Mm-hmm. Charlie Brown's a bad guy because you can use him? You made him from a good guy to a bad guy? Yeah. Okay, just so I know. Hand me the hammer, Charlie Brown. Mm-hmm. Hey, it's the Travelocity Gnome. Somebody get his hammer.

So the Travelocity Gnome, and he's a bad guy? Mm-hmm. Well, he's kind of a bad guy in the realome, and he's a bad guy? Mm-hmm. Well, he's kind of a bad guy in the... In the real life, so he's a good guy? Yeah, he's a good guy. Quick, get the Travelocity Gnome's hammer. No, that'll work. Okay.

Yeah, that's good. Okay. Forrest Gump, stop hitting me with that hammer! Forrest Gump, stop hitting me with that hammer! Okay, now we're just going to get into some alts for the

shower stuff I thought we got the shower stuff we did we got that version and this is

just if we decide to go in any different direction okay well I just don't it just makes

me a little uncomfortable doing the shower stuff especially I know the age differential how long

does that matter you're not 17 anymore. I mean, now you're the fight haver. Now you're a full grown man and she's 17. Okay, can we make her 18 for this?

Just because it feels a little weird. Well, this is in France. It doesn't really track with a lot of what we wrote. In France, you get away with all kinds of stuff. Believe me. How is...

But there are a couple scenes that we've already recorded where she's in America before they go to France, and she can't buy cigarettes. And the fight ever has to buy them for her, and we'd have to throw all that out. No, but that's 21, right? So she could be 18. You can buy cigarettes at 21.

18. Is it 18? Yeah. Disgusting, right? So she could be 18. You can buy cigarettes at 21. 18. Is it 18? Yeah. Disgusting, right? Oh, did you miss out on three years of that? Oh man, what was I doing? So, but maybe couldn't it be that in America she can buy cigarettes and then she traveled to France and then had a birthday? Like maybe I just

say, happy birthday, Jessica. Use that. Happy birthday, Jessica. Use that. Okay. And then now she's 18. We got that. Happy birthday, Jessica. Use that. Okay. And then now she's 18. We've got that. For the shower scene. Okay. Okay.

If that makes you more comfortable, then we'll just, yeah. Then we have the version where you say happy birthday. Okay. Right before. And then you say, and now look at the present I got you. Am I in a shower? Well, you wanted it to be a birthday scene, right? No, I don't want to do a whole birthday scene.

I'm just saying that it's just going to be hanky-panky. We're doing stuff in the shower, and you want it to be a birthday thing, so it's like, that actually works great for what we had in mind because you're going to be saying, like, why don't you check out the present I got you? Yeah, there used to not be a context for that line. So that line was there already. But it was sort of floating

devoid of meaning. Okay. Look at the present I got you. What did I get her? What's the present I got her? Oh! It's time for the popcorn gallery! That must be the present that you got for the girl. A segment where listeners will ask

questions to Kumail about your job and personal and having fun. Yes, and memories. So the four areas are job, personal, having fun, and memories. Okay. Here's a question. Let's reach into the bag and get a question. Sorry. Is the bag and get a question. Sorry. Is the bag in your phone?

Sorry. We'll reach in the bag. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. Go ahead. Oh, it's the monster. And I'm friends with him.

What a fun adventure. So just to give you a little context for the sound drops, my friend Mark from high school recorded these sound drops. We play them every episode. And usually they somewhat thematically tie in with what we've been talking about in the show. And so when we reach in the bag, I guess the premise is that Mark pretends to be reaching into a real bag of popcorn. He pulls something out, whatever he says it is.

Then we ask a question. So I guess that was the question. That was the question? No, no, no, no. The question took the form of the monster. But now, yes, it's a question from Greggy, one of our listeners. And he asks mr nangiani can you give me any tips on how to get a lot of points on at midnight i just got the home game

the home game now the home game is different if you give tips on the home game specifically it's a little different from the actual game i think that's what would that's what would help, Greggy. Yeah. Okay. I would say just do puns. It's just a lot of puns mainly, right? Like I would say replace a word with a word that sounds like that word, but it's slightly different. Like give me a word and I'll do a pun on it. Spoon. Room.

Give me another one. Well, let's back up a second. You crushed that one. Yeah. Points. how did you yeah I just have done the show a bunch of times

so I guess points I get it give me another one and I'll do a pun based on that broom room wow

points yeah points points yeah points give me another one okay

dune moon boots oh oh see yeah yes Give me another one. Okay. Dune. Moon boots. Oh. Oh. See? Yes. Rule of threes.

Oh, points. Yeah. And the third one is a little longer than the other one. It's funnier because it's longer, and it doesn't quite rhyme as much. That's a good tip for the home game. Let's get another question out of the bag. Oh, it's my phone and the question is in there and it wasn't my phone.

Oh, okay. Wow, that really did reference something that just happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how Mark does this and he's got cameras because he gives me the sound drops weeks ahead of time.

He's been doing it for a while. He kind of knows how it works. Wow, Mark knows this before? Well, he just knows our rhythms. Oh, okay. You know, because he went to high school with Sean.

They used to do a lot of comedy together. All right, because that was, like, if he can predict the future, this is the worst use of his powers.

I don't know. No, no. I think it's pretty good. It would be a good use regardless, but it is this specifically that he's able to because he,

this is one comedy outlet. He doesn't really work in entertainment anymore. This is a question from American Diaper. Is packing Stan any good? Packing Stan? And now. So, okay.

So these are our, I mean, these are our listeners. Yeah. Now, I didn't want Hayes to ask this question because it's so uninformed. Yes. It's not a great question uh but i i appreciate that i do think they genuinely are trying i think he's trying to learn and so no this is american diaper american greggie knows better right this is american diaper okay and it got a lot of likes in our forum when it was asked so i guess other people want to know yes they want to

know what if packing stand is any good i don't know what packing stand is well here it's what it says see it's right there on the screen okay yeah i read it and it's written exactly as i thought it was going to be written but i still don don't know what Packing Stand is. So what would you say to American Diaper? I would say I am uninformed. You're not saying it's good. You're not saying it's bad. I'm not saying it's bad. But I'm not saying it's good either.

You're not taking a position on it one way or another. Let's just say it's not bad. But it's also not good. Okay, yeah. And just speak on that. Yeah, I did. it's not bad but it's also not good okay yeah and just speak on that I did he did

I spoke on it he already did and get a question yes it's a video game controller from old nintendo it's a power glove oh okay so this is cool we're doing a whole episode about video games and i think you knew that so we came up with a really tight that one one was... It felt like you were searching for it.

Like a tight reference to a video game that nerds like us could all enjoy. It's a little more vague than the other drops he's done because those were eerily spot on. This one was a little more wishy-washy. The third one is always... He's kind of used up the good stuff on the first one. Yes, yes.

This is a question from Will Stickspear. I understand that you are a nerd and like computers and stuff. What's the best computers you have ever used lately and how good was it? What's the best computers I've used lately? Ever used. That you've ever used lately and how good was it? And how good was it, yeah. Could you repeat the question?

Sure. I'm sorry, I was. I understand that you are a nerd and like computers and stuff. What's the best computers you have ever used lately and how good was it and how good was it could you repeat the question sure I understand that you are a nerd and like computers and stuff what's the best computers you have ever used lately and how good was it what's the best computers I've ever used lately

and how good was it I really like my PlayStation 4 I think that's a pretty that's one of that's see this again that's

that's video games no but computers is on the table my See, that's video games. No, but there's a... Computers is on the table. My PlayStation 4 is on the table. Yeah, but it's lying down and the computer is supposed to be standing up. Is that the difference? The computer is looking at you. Okay, yeah.

The PlayStation, you're looking at it. Yes. Okay. So you know looking at it. Yes. Okay. So you know those that are standing up. Which of those was the best you ever used lately? Which of the ones that are standing up and looking at me as opposed to I'm looking at it and they're lying down and standing up on the table.

Yes. Okay. Xbox One. That's another one that's being video games too you look at that that's not looking at you uh how do I get at this

okay Kumail um imagine you're being a wizard the wizard's imagine you're being uh wizard and the wizard's magic power is i'm being only and he only yes and the wizard's magic power is he only knows computers and he doesn't name video games so we'll ask you the question again and uh this time

use your wizard powers to answer okay alright so he only knows computers doesn't know video games yes and we like to make things fun for our guests and I think maybe this will be pleasing to both parties yes? okay alright

oh so do you want to hear the question again? yeah it's the wizard. Now you're a wizard. Okay. Yeah. Because wizard hasn't heard yet. Wizard, I understand that you are a nerd and like computers and stuff. What's the best computers you have ever used lately and how good was it?

Sega Genesis. Because see, I'm a wizard, so I can magically get the other powers. Yes, that's true. That is true. You didn't say that he was a wizard. He couldn't get other powers. Yes, that's true. That is true. You didn't say that he was a wizard. You couldn't get other powers. Yeah. So now he does have the power to name video games.

Yes, that was an error. And I take full responsibility, and I made a mistake. Yeah. So I shouldn't have made you a wizard. You gave me too much power. Yes. That's what you did. What if I made you an orc?

And the orc, instead of an axe, has a computer, and he says the name of it. Instead of an axe, he has a computer? Yes. And he says the name of the computer? Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. Orc, what's that computer you got?

Don't ask me the question. Oh, well, that's... Okay. Orc, tell's that computer you got? Don't ask me the question. Oh, well, that's... Okay. Ork, tell us your axe. Axe box. It's where I keep... Points. Points.

Points. It's just a box where I keep my axe. Yes, points. I know it sounds like some of the other things we're talking about. Points, points. Xbox One. It's my first one. I have 360 of them.

Yes, points. It goes from Xbox One to Xbox 360. That's my newest one. Camille, thank you so much for coming on the show. Oh, guys, thank you so much for having me.

And nerding out with us. We like to talk much for coming on the show Oh guys thank you so much for having me and nerding out with us We like to talk to our listeners on the forums and to read reviews on iTunes Please rate us on iTunes and we love reading your reviews and like us on Facebook and tell all your friends tell your parents about the show

and please pick up the pro version of our podcast a lot of good stuff this week that will be delivered to you a lot of excellent bonus features um and opportunities uh to interact with sean and i and the person who bought it this week and the random drawing was j monster face uh and what he gets from from buying is kumail is going to record some just like loose wild dialogue of him having a fight with jay monster face okay i didn't agree to this yes we know so fight havers fighting jay monster face and just some of what he might sound like in that i didn't agree to first of all i already recorded stuff for your video game okay so he didn't agree to the fight with jay monster

face so now he's really mad and And now give him some of your stuff. And you guys ambushed me when I came in, and now there's a contest and you want me to record for Jay Monsterface's... Oh, he said your name! Yay, Jay Monsterface, you're welcome. And you don't ambush him like that again. Bye! Bye! This has been an Earwolf Media Production.

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com The wolf dead that was a hate gum podcast