Hollywood Handbook - Lamar Woods, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

Lamar Woods has an interesting conversation with Sean while Hayes is on his way. This episode is sponsored by the Second City Training Center (www.secondcity.com\TC  3126643959), Casper Mattresses (www.casper.com/HANDBOOK code: HANDBOOK) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Jean Triplehorn and Miss Pac-Man from the video game. She looked like Pac-Man. She's got a bow. Two guys, two girls. You know, it's sort of like a double-date-y vibe, but it's also Christmas, so we're keeping it

not necessarily sexual between us. And we're making gingerbread cookies, like something that people do at that time of year. And Jean Triplehorn points out that it's kind of unfair, you know, that it's always gingerbread men and that's not a fair representation. And I've been really big on gender equality just for the past couple months and saying, like, this is actually kind of a cool idea.

So we start making pretty pronounced camel toes in some of the gingerbread characters. And they're getting bigger and bigger. And it's starting to get a little scary because if that's what it looks like sort of through the pants, then what's inside? You know, and at a certain point, is that what I like? Is that something, you know, potentially medical? And so, you know, we're still also trying to put on like some sprinkles and some frosting and some other normal stuff. But pretty much without any of us saying it, all of our attention becomes focused on these gingerbread camel toes.

And it's no longer just on some of them. It's on all of them. Sorry, Sean. Yeah, go ahead. Normally you start out with the what up. Oh, the what up.

Sorry, I'm here with Lamar. Say hey. Hey, what's up, y'all? Lamar Woods. Sam, Hayes is running late. He's on his way. He said just start without him.

He might not make it. And he just texted me really quickly. There's sort of a list of things we are allowed to talk about and aren't allowed to talk about. Lamar, you know the show. Yeah. Hayes is the host. I'm kind of the sidekick. And so I kind of have to follow the rules.

And when he's not here, there's some host stuff that you would think I would take over. He's made it pretty clear. No, you can't do that. So it's going to limit us a little bit. But I think sometimes artists work better under restrictions. Yeah, under constraints. Yeah. It's why network comedies are so much funnier than comedies on cable.

Exactly. It's why network comedies are so much funnier than comedies on cable. It's why the Beatles lyrics are better than the lyrics of Pharaoh Monk or whatever. Someone who has so much freedom, it's just a little too crazy. They almost don't know what to say because there's all these choices. Right, right. Whereas some of those Beatles songs are about frigging camel toes and stuff like that. They don't say it.

Exactly. Or you're going to a buffet, you know, like Golden Corral versus like going to a King Chinese buffet. You know what you're going to get. Very specific stuff and it's very creative. Yeah, so yes. So we'll be able to have fun inside the boundaries today and there will just be some things we can't do. So a lot of times, you know, you might start the show by saying,

welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button Dropping Names and Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of the Century we call showbiz. But we will not be saying that and saying I'm going to make a note to cut that out because I really do not want to get put in a triangle choke and choked out. Is that what he would – yeah, what is the consequence? He's asked me not to talk about what would happen, but it's something unpleasant for me. Because I like choosing when I'm conscious and when I'm not.

And I don't like to be unconscious at the will of another man. Okay, so he's put hands on you. Well, it's – and again, he's pretty explicitly said don't say anything about that. Okay, right, we put hands on you. Well, it's, and again, he's pretty explicitly said don't say anything about that. Okay, right, we're not supposed to talk about that. Yeah, but yeah, I don't like the way it feels. Well, just wink at me if everything is cool and you're... That's going to be hard because I'll be

winking at you already because I'm liking so much of what you're bringing to the table that I am having a lot of reasons to already wink. Yeah. So maybe I can do like a double blink or something like that, which I would never do in casual conversation. So what up, what up? Also off the table, just so you know, so don't do that.

And then let's get into it. Lamar, you're a very funny guy. You're an actor. You're a writer. You're a filmmaker. We're not allowed to talk about that stuff, just like Hollywood, movies, TV. I hope you weren't wanting to promote anything or anything like that because, of course, that's kind of Hayes' domain. I mean he actually does this stuff.

He works in that field. So I can't – the Hollywood – I can't talk about no Hollywood stuff. No, we didn't because that's what he is about. Okay. He's a great host and he's a good friend. I think he's only looking out for me when he makes these rules. Right, right. He would be very mad if we talked about Hollywood or movies or TV. So if you wanted to talk about whether or not they're going to do the child orgy scene in the movie It.

Yeah, I did want to ask you if you were going to see that movie. Well, unfortunately. Is that too far? Did I mess up already? Yeah, you'll take your answer off the air. Okay. You know? So we, and I just gave him a big wink.

So – Yeah, that was a good wink. Can we talk about winking and just that? Okay. Well, Hayes considers himself something of a body language expert. And it's a field of study that he's passionate about. A field of study that he's passionate about, he has all these sort of dating hacks where if you think a woman at a bar might be looking at you, check your watch. If she is into you, she'll also check her watch or check the time.

Right, right. Because she's seen you do it. And that's one of the things Hayes goes – and he goes, and then she's all yours and you can do whatever you want. And he said that to me a few times. So I think winking falls sort of under the same umbrella, right? Oh, man. Of like we're kind of talking about the kind of stuff he's into. Right, right. But what are we into, you know?

Yeah. And if you just want to throw something out, like what do you want to talk about? And movies, TV, that stuff, there's too much of that in this town. So what are you into? I mean, I expected it to, I did have a short film about acting techniques and winking. Please stop. Please stop. All right. Well, I won't talk about my short.

Let's talk about, when we talk about the weather, I feel like I just went to the worst possible place. He loves the weather. Yeah, he's his like – So he's got weather. So smart stuff like science and stuff like that. He's like really big on like science books and science stuff. Right, right.

He's really smart about that. So I think that first of all, we're doing the audience a disservice if we talk about that. That's true. You know what I mean? Because they're not getting to hear – Well, they might want to hear about it. They want to hear about it from a genius, yeah. Well, because I was looking at this picture

before we got in today, and it was a picture of an old couple. One name was Harvey, and the other name was Irma. And they were celebrating that their names are the Hurricanes. And it looked adorable, but also it was, like, weirdly gross.

Yeah. I was like, oh, this is weird. They're happy, but it's destroying millions of people. Yeah, and old couples, again, that sort of. If it's old people dating, that's been sort of. That's one of Hayes' kind of avenues. But not all is lost. So it looks like you kind of whiffed, you kind of struck out pitching something we could talk about.

That's okay. That can happen. I was trying to really, yeah. Yeah. No, that's okay. It was a good spin on weather, I think. Yeah, but again, please don't bring it up, you know. So Hayes has given me things we are allowed to talk about, you know, just to help.

And he says, you know, girly stuff like makeup and dresses is okay because he doesn't care about that. For him, he said a lot of times the only thing interesting about a girl's dress is what it looks like crumpled up on his floor. And that's what Hayes said. So I would say, you know, let's get into it. You're something of a fashionista. Sure, sure. Let's get into it. You're something of a fashionista.

Sure, sure. What blogs are you kind of getting your style tips from? Well, I don't have too much experience with dresses. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, I think makeup, maybe I can speak to that a bit. Okay, great. Yeah, because you've done some performing. You've worked in – well, we shouldn't connect it to film.

We should not connect it to film. That's my experience with makeup is on set. No, I know, I know. No, I know. Have you ever – well, you tell me, have you ever put makeup on somebody? What about that? Have you ever makeuped a girl? Is that a weird question?

No, no. That's something – that's sort of within what we're allowed to do. That's – you're making lemonade here. Yeah. What does that feel like? I haven't. Oh, you've never done it? No.

Okay. Well, you know, there's lots, you know. What do you think of like, how about this? Oscars, right? Fuck.ars right fuck yeah no okay I got so let's just yeah no so let's move on from dresses and makeup and one thing that Hayes really doesn't mind if we talk about is

you know gross stuff like moldy cheese okay cool and that can be pretty gross you know and guys like us we could get a little nasty. Yeah, we could. And talk about some of this yucky but not. I didn't even shower today. Don't make it sexual.

Oh, me neither. Yeah, yeah, great. Or no, I did. I did. I just forgot. I always want to be honest with my fans. Yeah, I mean, you don't need to lie about that. I think, but I'm ready to get dirty with you either way.

Yeah, so let's talk about some gross stuff like moldy cheese. And then the other thing that he was very positive about us discussing maybe was surgery, like leg surgeries or, you know, like gruesome kind of hospital. Like real nasty stuff. Like nasty stuff. Yeah, nasty stuff, moldy cheese and then surgeries and stuff. So this is like the nasty like nasty stuff yeah nasty stuff moldy cheese and then so this is like

the nasty handbook we might as well just get dirty oh yeah let's make him wish he was here so that we can talk about some shit

yeah but not so much that then I get punished oh right okay so okay so the nasty handbook oh wow

I like that so cheese you know can get so stinky and can be so – It is stinky. It can. It can. And when it gets so moldy, it's really stinking and you get a big whiff of that.

Yeah. And you can really be like, ew, like am I going to eat that? Right. But talk about putting it on a cracker. Yeah. I mean, well, basically, you know, back in the day I used to take crackers, you know what I'm saying, and I'd get some cheese out of the cupboard or whatever, you know. And, you know, I'll take a little good butter knife, nothing too strong and too sharp. I don't really keep sharp knives in the house because I don't want nobody to stab me.

But I'll cut a little piece, spread it on the cracker, you know, take a little bite, try to make sure that I feel good after I eat it. And then, you know, I'm off to bed, you know. That's pretty much it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, putting it on a cracker, that's so good. So I also have done some stuff with cheese and a cracker. Yeah. And I got to say, the two together, sort of the crunch and cracker. Yeah. And I got to say,

the two together, sort of the crunch and the soft. Yeah. And then the fact that it can be, I think we've said, sort of stinky, some of the cheese. Yeah, yeah.

It's dangerous. But then it tastes kind of good. It's kind of sexual. Yes, you are crossing the line a little bit. Yeah. Well, yes, and sexuality, of course, we're not going to talk about too much because he's like a sexpert.

Right. Self-proclaimed. Okay. He has a sex column. Oh, right, online. No, no, no. That's what he calls his wiener. That's what he calls it?

Does it have categories? Yeah, yeah. He has a sex column. Oh, man. Yeah, because it's shaped like a column. Oh, okay. So, yeah, more like the visual aspect. I don't know why it took so hard for me to get there.

No, it's, yeah, yeah. I understand now. So, we, yeah, so anyway, we were talking about cheese being kind of like sex. Yeah. And it is like, you know, often pleasure is at its greatest when there's a slight element of pain. Yeah, exactly. And so when you're eating cheese, for it to be delicious, pungent, and also to have that sharp edge to it. Yeah.

You know, that sting, that bite of that stink. Yeah, yeah. That, I think, is what's going to really cause you to climax in a culinary sense. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Climax of delicious flavor and crunchiness in the sauce. I love that we're getting—we never get to talk about this on this show. I know, yeah.

I was so ready to talk about my independent film. Yeah, yeah, that you worked so hard on. Yeah, I did. I worked really hard on it, but I don't mind talking about cheese. And Sam cut this out. Yeah, that you worked so hard on. I worked really hard on it, but I don't mind talking about cheese. And Sam cut this out? Yeah. So I think we kind of

have hit bottom with that. So Hayes was saying that we were allowed to talk about boring stuff like spelling tests and stuff. Oh man, this is my shit though. Because I cannot spell at all.

I'm glad. If we can get some perspective on spelling and hopefully get to the bottom of it, I would love to talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he doesn't want it to be too funny or anything, what we're saying. Okay. But he does want it to sort of be about boring stuff like spelling tests. So you can't spell? So that must make

the test pretty hard. I know, man. Let me tell you something. Like, first of all, just so the audience can understand what a spelling test is. Oh, thank you. Hey, Scoop Troop, you know, get out your pen and try to spell these tips right. Exactly. What we're doing is they have versions of the word.

So say actually is a word that's hard to spell, right? You know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. Yeah. So four versions of actually, and then you circle the one that's spelled correctly. This can be very difficult. And I personally have trouble with that word specifically. Do you have any words?

And where are you when you're doing this? Just usually online or, you know, just trying to bone up on my spelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the most popular, most relevant, I guess, place where they do it is college. And he did ask me not to use the phrase bone up. Oh, okay. It's just kind of his thing. Sorry to interrupt.

Can I take pictures? Did he say if? He said they have to be from really unflattering angles. Okay. It's just kind of his thing. Sorry to interrupt. Can I take pictures? Did he say if? He said they have to be from really unflattering angles. Okay. Oh, man. But what about the girls that see this? All right. Let's see.

Yeah. He just doesn't want it to look sexy when he's not here. I'm usually, like, in a sexy pose in this podcast. No, I know. Yeah, I know. I know. But like I was saying, do you have any words that you can't spell? Well, I have words that I have failed to spell.

Yeah. In the past. Yeah. And one great thing about this thing we call life is that you get to learn from your mistakes, don't you, Lamar? Yeah. And so moving forward, I'm not going to spell that wrong again. Yeah. And if there is a word, like for you to go like, is there a word you often misspell?

I would go, no, there's not. There's words I've misspelled once and never again. Yeah. I don't have that I Did lose the fifth grade spelling bee On the word guttural Oh really

Is that a word You want to spell it now Yeah You want to try it out Yeah you want to This will fill up sometime I gotta say I'm having a great time here

It's been really fun I hate that we never do this On the show I almost wonder Should this have been the show From the beginning Right yeah Because it's very interesting To see what type of things we'll end up talking about.

And the energy is electric. And you don't know where it's going to go. You just know where it's not going to go. And you know pretty specifically what you can talk about. Okay, so here's the gutter roll. Are you ready? Uh-huh. G-U-T-T-E-R.

And that's exactly what I did. And that's exactly what I did. And that's exactly what I did. Is it wrong? Yeah, and that's exactly. And I feel a kinship now, and I feel closer to you now maybe than I've ever felt. That's all I really wanted out of this spelling conversation was for someone to connect with me on that because I feel like sometimes I'm on an island alone. And it can be sad because in my text,

I get really hammered on for not spelling words in my text directly, in my emails. I wish we could talk about our Desert Island albums now. Yeah. Like wouldn't that be something great, you know? Can we? No, we can't. Yeah, where is this cat, man?

Yeah, he said he's going to be here maybe. Tell him to get here so we can talk about Hollywood shit. Yeah, no, I know that's your whole thing. I'm all about Hollywood. I came on a Hollywood handbook so I could talk about Hollywood. So surgery, it's incisions, it's stitches, you know, it's getting there, rooting around, moving the ligaments around and digging in. around, moving the ligaments around and digging in and the human meat, the warm human meat that doctors have to sort of deal with. You know, my sister, she had surgery in the back, in her back and that's fine.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, this is a good conversation. Yeah. No, she's great. She's doing great. Everything went well. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, this is a good conversation. Yeah. No, she's great. She's doing great. Everything went well. I didn't, yeah.

No, it's okay to bring up surgery. Okay. It doesn't mean. No, I just wouldn't, yeah. Okay. What? For what? For her back.

She had like a disc issue in her back. It's okay. Everything is cool, baby. Yeah, like, you know, all that really happened was you brought up a surgery and I was just trying to relate to it by saying my sister had surgery. But, you know, it could be anything.

You know, I feel like I'm missing now. So maybe you could pitch another sort of thing to talk about. Okay. Well, if you want to, I thing to talk about well if you want to I want to talk about surgery because my sister has surgery so I have a lot to talk about with that

like physical therapy well if you don't want to talk about surgery it's fine I guess so obviously Hayes is really smart about sports and he's really good at all the sports and he's a great athlete. And so he did send me a note saying we can't talk about sports except for the WNBA because it's fake.

What? And to me, I'm like that's crazy, you know. Yeah, that's really offensive, I think. I thought, okay, cool. There's a professional female sports league that is finally starting to get some traction and some real recognition and has a fan base. And that's really cool. And I don't think it is fake. And I said to him, fake like wrestling?

Like, does he think the games are fixed? That's my question. Like, what does he mean by fake? Like, it's a myth? And here's what he said. It's fake that they're even doing it. Okay. And at that point, I'm pissed, right?

Yeah. And I'm cocked back like, you know, this is it. I'm finally going to sort of, I'm finally going to kind of like come back over the top on this guy. Yeah. He's been choking me out on a pretty regular basis. Right, right. So he is choking you then. Well, yeah.

Look, if he's choking you, look, I can't let my man be getting hurt. Like, you know, I got nothing but love for you. I just told you, opened up and told you about my sister. So anything, anybody trying to hurt you. so is it me and you versus look that's i'm not saying that's what i want right i'm just saying if he's putting his hands on you i can't i can't do that like i can't let that happen because you're a good friend and i wish um this feels really good yeah i only really have the one friend so far, and it's Ace. Oh, okay.

So hearing you say, I'm a good friend, and that part of that friendship is not, you know, me, you know, getting choked. If you're friends with me, what comes with that is safety. Not that I can protect you. I'm not like a strong guy or anything, but that's one thing I know that I care about. Yeah, safety. Not that I can protect you. I'm not like a strong guy or anything, but that's one thing I know that I care about. Yeah, safety. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

So I want you to be safe. And would you say that you love me and or are in love with me? I mean, I'm not in love with you, homie. You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying. No, I know. No, I know. And that actually was a joke. Yeah. Which is part of one of the things we do. I mean, Hayes has asked that we limit the jokes on this episode.

Right, right. Which I feel like I've been doing. But at the same time, I do want you to know that that was a joke what I asked. Okay. And that it was actually, I was making fun of Sam. Oh, okay. And that's like something Sam would maybe say. And talk about that, Sam.

How pathetic you are. I want to say I'm sorry. Just for, I wanted today to be my chance to show you that I could run this ship with Kevin gone. Right. Yeah, I was like, where's Kevin? Kevin emailed me like, you want to do the podcast? But I'm like, I got here. Yeah, and he's missing.

And then so the photos are going to be all jacked up. Yeah. Oh, there was one more thing. Hayes had said that we can talk about city planning if we want. He was saying that only dorks care about that shit, that it's actually lame. Oh, wow. So, like, what do you think about, like, you know, zoning laws and the amount of parking spaces you have to have to build a residence unit in this city?

Look, I don't know what else to tell you. Like, I can't. I'm like everyone else. I got to talk about Hollywood. I got to fucking do it, man. Please, Lamar, don't talk about Hollywood. No, let's talk about... I want to talk about Deadline.

I want to talk about... No, Sue Bird's assist record or multiplication table. Like, let's talk about something like that. I can't. Like, what's going on with Louis C.K.? We got to talk about this stuff. No, no, no, I can't. What's going on with Louis C.K.? We got to talk about this stuff. No, no, no. I can't.

Candice Parker or... What about the new fall release? All the shows that are coming out on Fox. We can't talk about the new fall shows. Are you kidding me? I write on New Girl. It's our last season. I got to talk about that.

All right, Lamar. All right, Lamar. Look. Can we do it? All right. We'll talk about it. Let's talk about it quiet. Maybe we can put like a music no i want to do it loudly and put a music bed over it and then like maybe hayes won't notice you know that we that's what we

talked about but like i agree i couldn't be more excited about the new fall shows you get me i know we're talking to mr new fall they got a show that's on an airplane the whole show is on the airplane the slate they've got for network comedy this year. Yeah, I'm ready. I already got my whole- It's going to reinvent the genre. Yeah, I can't believe we've waited this long to talk about. We're over here talking about bullshit, and the real stuff is right on the table here.

I'm sorry. Young Sheldon and old Sheldon on the same network? Exactly. What about Bobby Moynihan? Oh, yeah. He's got three versions of him. From SNL to all of a sudden now, he lives in alternate timelines.

That's some of the trippiest shit I ever heard of. And now I can't stay quiet about it. I love timelines. Timelines is awesome. Ed, check this out. Hey! The mayor. Whoa.

What was that? Is that his? Are you guys talking about Hollywood stuff? Huh? No, no, sir. Sorry. Hayes, when did you? I thought you were on your way here.

What? Did you? I am on my way. Okay. Beat your ass. No, no, no. Please don't. Please don't.

I told you not to talk about Hollywood stuff. That's my favorite thing to talk about. I heard you talking about Young Sheldon, and I heard you talking about the airplane show, and I had a lot of stuff I wanted to talk about with that. No, please. I'm sorry, Hayes. That's my fault.

I pushed him. He was trying very hard not to talk about Hollywood. No, Lamar. He's an adult. He could decide what he wants to talk about for himself. I know. And I only wanted to talk about— now this is why i did this this is why this was my whole plan did this what did you do that i was going to be late and i told sam to patch me in because i thought we've been doing

this show for so long maybe it's a good time to just check in and make sure that sean wouldn't talk about hollywood stuff without me there And that he would stick to the topics that we had cleared ahead of time. But we did. That was good. No, I'm saying you did. You did some good stuff for a long time. The moldy cheese stuff was good.

The crackers discussion is not that was not on the list. But how, but how did, but that's what you eat. We don't, we weren't going to talk about putting moldy cheese on crackers. Crackers are like foodie stuff. And that's my thing is being a big foodie.

But I so specifically avoided saying like that maybe we mix honey or some dried apricots with the crackers. You know, because Lamar was signaling to me he wanted that. I'm sorry. Crackers are good gourmet food. I guess you're right. Yeah, he's got a good point. I'm sorry, Hayes. He's sitting by itself on the table,

and no plate discussion. Moldy cheese on the table. Well, Hayes, how far are you? I got to get to an appointment, but if you can get here. I'm two and a half hours away. Okay. Hayes, that's so long.

We won't have the studio anymore. Yeah. Look, because I'd love to talk about the airplane show with you. I mean, there's so many things that can happen on an airplane that I just can't even really wrap my head around it. Oh, yeah. It can get hijacked. It can crash.

I can't wait for the crash episode. Exactly. The show has infinite possibility. It's very obvious why these characters would be spending time together every week in multiple locations uh the passenger like you know the like the the passengers and the airplane crew hanging out outside of the plane this is a very natural scenario for a show but we're not going to talk about that for two and a half hours until i get there okay we can't even talk about it on the phone with you

while you're on your way? I mean, that seems easier. No, it's not for the phone. It's not for the phone. As you could hear when I was just doing it, it's more of like an in-person presentation. I'm actually going to do some of that stuff again when I get there.

Okay. Well, we can wait. I don't know how much longer I can wait. I'm supposed to get a haircut at two. Okay. His hair is looking out of control. Yeah, you do not want to see me right now. We did talk about makeup, though. You can talk about me, myself, and I, but not when he's a kid and not when he's an old man.

Okay, so just the Bobby stuff. The present day timeline of me, myself, and I. All right. Well, myself, and I. All right. Well, that'll be enough. That'll be enough to fill out the rest of the episode. Hey, I'm so sorry I let you down, Mr. Hayes. What happened to me is I think that I thought I could get a good rush out of being so rebellious. And I think I've learned my lesson that it's a good way to get hurt.

Sean, don't punk out to him, to Hayes. You're going to let him punk you out? Look here, Hayes, you're putting your hands on my friend here. I don't appreciate that. Hold on. I don't appreciate that. Sean, let me punk you out. Oh, sorry, Mr. Lamar.

Sean, let me punk you out right now. Don't punk him out. No, I don't want to get punked out. Lamar has told me that part of friendship is being able to feel safe, and I think I've decided that that's something I want, is to not get punked out and not get your hands put on me. Yeah, you're safe because I'm protecting you. If you don't have me to protect you,

then all these people in Hollywood are going to do the kind of stuff that they did before I came along. Do you remember that when you were by yourself? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It wasn't so good, was it? No.

You weren't very safe then. Look, he's making a good point, Sean. It's hard for me to watch punk outs happen in front of me without saying anything. But sometimes they're for the best. Yeah. I forgot about the Hollywood that exists outside of the three three of us this town could just straight up eat me alive yeah and you kind of it's kind of like prison in a weird way you got to get someone to hold that you hold yeah i'm holding the inside of his pocket yeah um so look i have to i got to start

looking at the road can you just hang on you know talk about this other stuff did you talk about surgery yeah we brought it up, but Lamar's sister recently had surgery, and I got a little uncomfortable with how real that was for him. Hey, I don't want to talk about this. This is the whole plan. I don't want to hear about it. My sister's fine.

Yeah, no, don't tell Hayes that. Again, I don't want to hear about it. But I wanted to connect with you guys. That is for you guys. That is your thing. No, I know the wounds. Yeah, I was talking about how doctors kind of deal with warm human meat a lot. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I know you didn't like that. Was there anything else I'm forgetting that could sort of take us out? Holy pees, multiplication tables, girl stuff. I hate talking about girl stuff. Tea parties and dresses. Holy pees, multiplication tables, girl stuff. I hate talking about girl stuff. Tea parties and dresses. Uh-huh, yeah. I think the dresses and makeup kind of got us back into kind of a Hollywood thing, like putting makeup on on set or the dresses people wear to the Oscars.

Right, yeah, that was our only really connection to that stuff. You can talk about, yeah. No, it's only dresses worn at, like, tea parties. That's the kind of stuff you could talk about. Yeah, no, it's only dresses worn at tea parties. That's the kind of stuff you could talk about. Yeah, or at a picnic or something. But look, you guys have fun. You're two fun guys. You should be able to make this work.

And again, I gave you this whole new topic of the present-day timeline of me, myself, and I. But not how it connects. Not how it connects to the kid or what he's felt. Can I talk about how the present day timeline is sort of influenced by the memories he has of his younger self? No, absolutely not.

It's as if the other two timelines didn't exist until I get there. And then I go into my stuff. It's neat how the choices he's making in the present day sort of foreshadow some of what you're going to see in the future. You don't know about that. You don't know about that. Okay.

Because it's really just me. It's just myself then. Then it's just myself. It's myself. It's just the show to you is called myself. Myself. Okay. I don't know if I want to watch that show.

But we'll talk about it. We'll see if we can dig deep. We'll try to let that carry us out. What highway are you on? Are you on a pretty big highway? I'm on like a beach road. Okay, like the PCH type of thing. Okay, wow.

I'm on a big bridge going over like a huge body of water. Okay. You better focus. Yeah, no, that sounds like you. Are you sure it's not an aircraft carrier? It could be. It does look like it's going to run out pretty soon. Okay.

Alright, well, be safe, please. You know, I need my big, strong host. Yeah, you be safe. You get my drift? I do. Alright, and then Lamar made like a short film he kind of wanted, or like he made an independent movie that he wanted to talk about. Can we get into that at all?

Okay, yeah. Okay. When I get there. Great. Okay. Okay. Bye. Yeah.

All right. Bye. Hazy – Hazy? I hung up, I guess. Yeah. So myself coming this fall. Yeah.

I mean, it was an interesting move for Bobby. I was wondering you know CBS is really trying to hit the market of like old young and middle

it's well but to us I guess it's just aiming for the middle so pretty much our generation no because it is

yeah it would be a generational comedy which sort of hits you know all four quadrants I do right that's what made me excited

for us it's just the one quadrant. I was going to watch it with my dad and my son. And that's what excited me about it. But now I can only watch it with, I guess, you. Yeah, just us. Yeah, yeah. So I think that's okay, I guess.

But at least we get to talk about some Hollywood stuff. I just wanted to talk about it a little bit. Yeah, just to scratch that itch. Yeah, I've been wanting to get on a Hollywood handbook for so long. It's been the elephant in the room for a long time. It's like, hey, how come these guys aren't talking about Hollywood? Right. Really, that's all we have to offer.

Right. Well, I can wait a little longer to see if he gets here, but if he's not here and he doesn't get here soon, I'm going to have to take off because i gotta get a haircut and it's the only time i can do it right at two o'clock and i'll let him know that uh i was on hollywood handbook and he was actually excited my barber i told him i was gonna be on hollywood handbook and he was like oh man you gotta talk about hollywood brother you gotta talk about all that stuff yeah man let me you want i can give you some stories if you want like he's always

trying to give me and he gave you stories but we're not allowed to say yeah i haven't gotten to any of them we talked i was getting a haircut a week ago my hair goes really fast by the way and he's i'm like yeah next week i'm going on hollywood handbook it's gonna be great and your barber's a fan oh he's he's like, I love that show. I love Hayes. I love the other guy. Right, right. And he was like, I was like, look.

That's nice. He's like, look, I've been in Hollywood for 15 years, man. I got some stories if you want me to give them to you because I know you get nervous for podcasts. And he wanted to hear you tell these stories. He's like, I'll listen to hear your Hollywood stuff. Did he say anything he wouldn't want to hear about when he listened? No, he told me

just talk about whatever you want, but I guess he didn't really have much say over that. Yeah, but he assumed it would mainly be Hollywood, right? Yeah. And then you said he said he was a fan of Hayes and the other guy. Yeah. And we can presume that

was probably me and not Engineer Sam, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think he knows the engineers' names. Well, along with your name. So I guess he only knows Hayes. Hayes and his sidekick. And he's probably going to be disappointed when I tell him that Hayes was not here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't like making him mad when he's cutting my hair. It's weird. But if you have room, maybe I could tell you one story. I don't know. Well, tell you what. I think I found a loophole. Okay. Tell it to Sam.

Oh, Sam. And then I'm going to use the bathroom. Okay. All right, Sam. So check this out. It's a real Hollywood story, right? So my barber, he's on the Fox lot, right? And there's like a parking lot. So Fox lot's over on Century City. This is real Hollywood stuff right here. Are you ready for this, Sam? Yeah, yeah is great. Now I never get to hear this. I wish I could listen to this. This is cameras and lights and action. So he was walking to the parking lot, and this lady comes out of nowhere.

Who is it? She's probably like 70 years old, right? And she walks up to Barbara like, oh, my God, it's so great to see you again. It's so great to see you, and hugging him and stuff. And he's like, what the fuck is going on you know like i don't know this lady right right don't look at me yeah and then uh so then the barber go sort of been hugs her or whatever you know tries to play it cool doesn't make her feel too weird and then the lady runs over he turns around and the lady's hugging the next dude right oh my god

it's so yeah it's a great story right right? That's some good Hollywood shit, Sam. That was in Hollywood? This is in Hollywood at the Fox lot, right on Century City by the golf course. Oh, Hayes would kill me if he knew. You got a question, Sean? Bye. Bye. This has been an earwolf production executive produced by scott ackerman

chris bannon and colin anderson for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast