Hollywood Handbook - Langston Kerman, Our Podcast University Friend

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

The Boys give LANGSTON KERMAN a crash course at the brand new Podcast University. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm drenched i'm soaked i'm like soggy sopping wet i am a puddle in there and i'm sweating so hard that i'm throwing up from the sweat like i'm drinking the sweat and i'm throwing the sweat up and it's just water really too but still very nasty and i'm getting at this point hit with a just a lot of hockey pucks like so many uh-huh are hitting me in the ass and the stomach and just really knocking knocking my happy meal ass up and down the ice right and i and people say like how okay it's hitting you in the ass and the stomach like both at the same time both kinds the way your butt is kind of like shaped is that yeah it doesn't like protrude

out behind you that far i don't have like a bubble shape but a little there is a little of a bubble effect like kind of on each side so you can see your butt from the front it kind of goes up and around it's like what am i thinking of that it's like sort of like a diagonal wing you know what i mean it's like coming off the hip. So anyway, it's interesting. And that is where the hockey pucks are primarily sort of nailing me. And I'm starting at this point to wonder, why did I ever volunteer for this? To be Gritty's nemesis.

Okay. Shitty. You know, like i'm thinking this was a bad idea because people love gritty yeah and i can tell now looking back just from the name of my character that he's something of a villain and then he will be disliked yeah but i show up i go hey i'm game oh is that the suit like cool and i go is it weird that my ass will be partially exposed from the padding or whatever like right around my stomach here where it folds up and they're like no you're good you're good uh and as i work back through the day there were so many points where i made a mistake and where i could have said

hey i'd really like an extra pad here hey i'd really like my name to be something more neutral so they can decide based on performance which one of us they like better um instead of what i did was i i stepped on a minefield you know willingly and uh and i got blown up and i and i sweat i threw up hi hi whoa welcome to hollywood handbook it's an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names let's get right into it we have a shit ton to get through today we have an absolute fuckload of insane stuff to get and i love it and i love it it's it's like it's good work it's fulfilling work i'm happy when i'm busy when i see the to-do list with no checks nothing checked off i go oh okay good because i have an actual purpose versus when i finish the list now what

go talk to my wife my kid no thank you so i i i'm happy we have a guest here langston do you want to talk a little bit about your whole fucking deal? Yeah. I mean, I got to be honest. I really thought that was a Mighty Ducks 2 audition you were describing. And then it turned into Shitty. So that I was on the edge of my seat. Shitty be gritty.

Yeah, it went viral. You've probably seen it. You probably see me getting my ass kicked up and down the main part of my seat. Shitty be gritty. Yeah. It went viral. You've probably seen it. You've probably seen me getting my ass kicked up and down the main part of the ice. I had no idea it was you, but truly I laughed and now I've seen the other side of my laughter and I guess I owe you an apology. There's real people in there. No, it's okay. I'm sure if I saw the video, I probably would have laughed too. But now from now on, I'm going to take a second. I'm going to pause and I'm going to say, wait a minute, there's somebody in there. There's a human being underneath that shitty costume. And that's what I was thinking too. It was connecting me back to being a 90s kid and

watching Goldberg the goalie get hit with all those hockey pucks. Yes, I thought that was funny. And I thought that was funny as well and now i'm looking back at my former self as a 90s kid and saying hey that's actually like a child and they're hurting him that's a boy who will someday become an alcoholic and you gotta not you gotta hold back those laughs yeah so maybe if we did like hurt him so much and like shoot hockey pucks at him maybe we could produce maybe a little better outcome for the next time we are in this situation for the next mighty ducks movie

he was getting bashed by both of the bash brothers right think of honestly think about that right and then they they will do that and the other guy they would do that intense high five afterwards and we all rooted for them somehow and all of this being a 90s kid is so epic the shit we watched when we were kids man if you really look at it now and they were based on two guys who did steroids famously did yeah that's we celebrated that we cheered for those boys those giant 90s that was something to sort of lift up and show the children and say this is what you aspire to you know these these giant juiced up 18 year old men hanging out with children this is who you want to be but now i think they're going to correct a lot of that with the Mighty Ducks

TV show. They do have Gordon Bombay. Emilio Estevez will be starring in the show on Disney Plus. And I can't help but believe he's definitely still got his fastball. Emilio is somebody who's been off out of the spotlight for a little bit, but it's like riding a bike for that guy i want to believe that the whole time he's been out of the spotlight he's just been working on that pitch you know he's just been he's been tightening up that arm getting it ready been doing push-ups the entire time when you can't see him that's because he's training right emilio just comes back jacked just just mike bibby jacked for the for the mighty ducks uh four that'll all that'll be good langston you were saying just you're just let's run we always start with like

the cv the elevator pitch tv you've been blessing the fuck out of this mess i've noticed oh i i blessed the mess until there the mess was no more until abc said get that mess out of here it's too blessed is is the way that they wrote our pink slips that's what i was hearing too is that this uh it did just get to a point where the mess was just too blessed for it to be like plausible to the viewer anymore it was unrecognizable as a mess to me. I mean, that was what I was noticing in the final few episodes. I was going, I'm sorry, this isn't a mess anymore. This is more of a family.

I don't know, folks. It seems like this isn't a mess at all. It seems like they've cleaned everything up and we don't need to follow this anymore. Yeah, they've blessed it. That's a real danger with your characters. Hayes and I have encountered it when if you teach them too many lessons if they grow up too fast then you don't have anywhere to take them you know and you just have to sort of

hold the viking funeral that you guys did for dax and lake well that's that's one of my biggest regrets of playing a uh nearly-year-old man is like, at that point, you've learned all the lessons. So there's no more story to tell. Whereas if I would have played a child, now I've got a lot of lessons to get out of this. Now I can keep growing as a person. That's my mistake and that's on me. And that's the reason that show didn't make it. They said that it was your fault, huh? The use of your age of your character was the issue. They specifically pointed that out as they told me they would not be paying me anymore.

They said, if you would have made him younger, if only you would have agreed to make him younger, we could have avoided this. That hurts to hear, I'm sure. But I like when I get a reason. I obviously, I've done a little acting myself. And when I go out there, they'll say, you're too handsome for this role. Sure, sure. You know? Your hair.

Your hair. It's doing all the right things in the wrong way for us. It's doing too much. Yes. They would need to do less. And I'll say, well, that's not non-negotiable from my end, obviously. How do you expect us to film you if we're so horny all the time around you? We can't. You're too handsome. Everyone is getting too horny. It's something that it made me uncomfortable. And they can't even do it in person they can't even tell him that in person no it's usually an email from a third party right a lawyer they get a lawyer involved in the lawyer this information has been passed yes and there's

a bunch of redacted sections there's just like all these solid black bars through the through the body of the email just being like like, it made me want to, I felt like I was going to, my seat was covered in, and then there's just these blanks. And I go, I understand, you know, on to the next one. Does a part of you ever want to know what's under those black bars? Do you ever, the specifics of it all? I have tasked Adam Driver with finding out what was under there. So he is in a sort of basement with a bunch of computers and files. And I'll tell you, it's going to make one hell of a movie screener that gets sent to people someday.

I don't know anyone who will watch it, but I know a lot of people who will get it. Sure. So I'm excited for that era, but I can't live my life like, oh, what was under the thing? Or like, what was the seat covered in? And like, I actually have to do shit and get out there.

For sure. Life is what's happening above the black bars and around them, not beneath them. And I'm watching the poetry, your background in this emerge. Yeah. So I studied poetry. I have a master's of fine arts in poetry, which obviously is super useful in the work that I do now as a actor and writer. And I'm reminded of the poet Langston Huggs. That is a pronunciation of his name? Sure. He has been so... So Langston Huggs, for people who don't know, is a poet who does a lot of my actually i have like these um wood blocks around my house with like little

just like inspirational sayings that are mostly uh drawn from the work of langston hugs um just that say stuff like laughter is happening happening in my house. Right. Yes. I remember that piece from Langston as well. Do you have any of these, like, wood blocks in your kitchen? Or, like, you can honestly put them anywhere. These wooden signs, yeah, they're good in the kitchen,

but they're really good right in the foyer or in the den as well. I personally do not, but I have seen them quite a bit and i know that they're they're quite popular around town so it's you know i'm just glad to see the work spreading i'm glad to see poetry is still appreciate one that says bless this mass yeah now now is that related to the show or is that just they optioned his they optioned his sign oh no he was getting royalties on that wow that's pretty big i have one that says this won't go to waste but it will go to my waist and it's and it's on the over on my snack jar oh that's fun well that's just fun that's you know you don't want to option that you just want to enjoy that that one no i wouldn't

i wouldn't sell that for anything um so you're a poet a scholar or something of a renaissance man um you're also you you know you said that you you have this fancy degree right and we don't get in all this you know bullshit on the show i i went to harvard everybody knows i went to harvard really good college um uh just kicked ass at harvard went to school in a big castle and wrote all my papers just zooming on freaking speed balls right got straight a's but um you know as much as i've tried to put that behind me and just be a regular Joe, someone like yourself who's learned it knows that that was some of the best times of my life, just going to school and going to university. It's hard to leave that behind. It sort of creeps

up in all of your interactions and your conversations. It shapes you. It's where I learned to become a man a harvard man right and you have to tell people that that crimson man yes it would it would be wrong not to share that with the people around you it's lying there yes it's the same as lying it's a sin of omission right you're i it is it is looking a person in their face and not sharing the most vital information about you. And that's not fair to either of you. But that's an old school. And what's going to be the next Harvard?

What's going to be the next school, college that people talk about? And that kind of signifies like, oh, this dude got a big ass brain. I'm seeing a lot of energy moving online thank you okay and now we're getting somewhere yes we've seen a lot online we're seeing a lot of digital work i know you you've got your uh your phoenix sure you you've got your Phoenix. Sure. You've got, apparently, Harvard is competing now with Phoenix Online. I don't know if that troubles you at all to know that you could be a digital crimson man, but it is now possible. Well, let's think of the voids in this market, right? So, Phoenix and Harvard online college are teaching science class okay so that's taken care of they're teaching english shakespeare class okay so that is that's

off the table okay let's not do that one okay but let's look at something where we actually are some of the most educated most experienced and have been studying this for actually pretty close to a million years now. Just combined. I'm listening. Have we ever ever even thought about doing a podcast class

and podcast classes? And what we're talking about is actually the future of media and it's where every and it's actually now that it's the new television and movies and and it's the new oh and that's when i see you nodding and i see the idea entering your brain and podcast university starting to form i'm liking this this general meeting just got upgraded to a follow-up we this is i am liking where you're taking this podcast email afterwards so awesome meeting you today would love to do some pages here's that article i was telling you about you love oh when they send an article from

a thing they read just recently that's when you know you've hit them in the sweet spot. Do you think there's a show here? It's a dad who coaches Little League. Sure, there's a hundred shows on television like that, but they like you enough to let you write a pilot that fails with them. Well, yeah, maybe not write the pilot, but what you could do is you could go out and pitch it. And then, hey, if they make money, you could go out and pitch it and then hey if they make money you get a little bit of it sure i i read this article and just forwarded it to someone and we spent three hundred thousand dollars on optioning it and now we might pay you a small

amount of that but if we just if we love you and you're only competing with four other people for the opportunity so figure out your take do that whatever that amount of work means to you a couple days couple weeks sort of lay that out then you all come in and present it and then the winner will then get to spend three or four months hearing our take and And don't worry, even if it doesn't go, those three or four months are completely consumed with what we've now pitched to you over email via an article we read. You give your whole life to it.

And you're part of the family. You're part of the family. A bond that'll never break. Now, obviously, I mean, we want to use your take. You won't be in charge if it gets sold like we need someone experienced to do that sure yeah i i will say that uh i i believe just the of the million years of experience here in this situation you guys certainly have uh the bulk of the million if but you're getting in the game is that right that's right i'm getting

in the siren podcast game yes yeah talk about this crashed against the rocks i've got i've got a it's new it's a hot new podcast all the kids are talking about it i don't know if you've heard i've been hearing this it's it's called my mama told me and it's about black people and conspiracy theories. It's very fun. Okay. And your mama, is she doing the show with you? I plan to have her on an episode or two. Certainly going to use her voice to manipulate stories.

That is a really smart idea. Just get her to send you just whatever you want her to say. She'll do it. She loves you. She wants you to be successful. She's a nice lady suckers man exactly she's not tapped into hollywood at all so she has no idea where this stuff is and she's not gonna see one one red cent of this thing no she's seeing even less than we see when uh someone pitches us an article that they read uh we doing uh are we network affiliated what's the like what's the what's the story are we going independent oh no i'm i'm uh i i've got an overseer it's uh i heart media and uh

big money players with uh will ferrell's company so that's very nice they're they're good people how's bill doing oh he's doing fine he he says hello he sends his his wishes to you boys he's big kiss for bill old billy farrell so let's talk so obviously you have not gone to podcast university right now but maybe we can do a crash course. And by the time you're out of this, you can also be our first student and first faculty member as well. And you get your degree. Because we can't do it.

We can't do it the whole time. But once you've been trained, kind of put you in place, and you can train the next, you know. Okay. I'm doing this thing i'm eating six really tiny little meals every day but i'm taking longer to do it to eat them yeah yes and so i'm just kind of like doing these little nibblies all day long right so i don't have time to run an entire college

you know what i mean the meal will be like my food for me the meal will be like the bottom of a hamburger bun and uh like just a little just a just a whisper of a string cheese just oh, if you pull it off, almost like a spider web thread. Yeah, the little shaving just off the string cheese. And I will eat that for two and a half hours, six times a day. Like sucking up the little string cheese thing

like a spaghetti, but it's not wet. So it goes really slow right and and let me add just as my new professors i i have to ask and what what exactly is this helping in what does this help with the with the process how does this how does this really get you there it's just i have to eat to just to be alive oh okay it's gas for the car you know i mean just sustenance okay yeah okay oh yeah you you learn something every day and this is one of those days one thing is and so like for me personally you gotta eat but like i and i enjoy eating food but i don't like to smell it. And so the less of it there is, the less of it.

So you know how sometimes there's like a huge amount of food and that means there's even more smell. But if there's just a tiny little bit of it, there's actually not very much smell. Right. And I have to assume that this also works on the back end. That when it's smaller dump dumps less smell we're talking we're talking twosers let's talk twosers man when i'm when i'm making a number two the big the big twoser i do want it to be somewhat controlled i've definitely been the victim of um the working for the twoser rather than the twoser working for me sure let the twos are rather than the twos are working for me. Sure. Let the twos are you make the twos or don't let the twos or make you.

Yes, exactly. And I would, I would like to actually be the boss in that situation moving forward. And this has been very helpful in that regard. I got, I have actually seen the opposite result unexpectedly. Wow.

Um, I am sinking battleships just like day after day which makes me think that like something else i guess was in there that's like coming loose now i don't know exactly how right your body is finally getting to uh to clear house on everything that's sort of been stored up in there. It's giving, it has a little time now to take care, to do a little spring cleaning, I think is,

is, is what's happening, but this is a little gross. Let's go to school. And so you walk onto the campus. Am I, before we go any further at this point, I'm a freshman.

I'm, I'm the new kid in school i assume you're a freshman but you get to use i mean yes you're a new kid on campus but you do get to use sorry why are you bringing that up oh i just i you know i like to place myself i just want to understand you know how how i work in this world the okay but you're not gonna like you're not gonna sing that verve pipe song freshman right i wish i knew it i uh i okay i'm just making sure because we're not trying to have you sing that whole song on the podcast you know what i mean like i'm happy to answer a question if you're really just trying to locate yourself in space but if this is all a t-up for some big performance of that verve pipe song freshman

is i i i swear to you uh this is not a t-up for the for that song that i don't know freshman well don't expect me to back you up on the chorus man if you start because you're on your own sure i i assure you the uh i it's not me on my own and i i don't need any backup on the chorus this song doesn't need to be to be sung i'm i'm just uh we just won't sing it we just won't sing it and we're not even allowed at all and kevin don't you start playing it and let's not sing it and the and the matthew broderick marlon brando film the freshman we're not even going to discuss that kevin don't bring it up there's no reason to uh don't play that trailer man and certainly don't show me the poster kevin put the poster down there's no reason to he doesn't want to see this one this one no this one away this one away. Kevin, are you brain dead?

He's clearly Kevin. He's clearly upset. I didn't mean to trigger anything regarding the freshman. And I think you're making it worse by pulling up the poster. It's not on you. It was an innocent question. But, you know. Look, let's just keep doing school.

Okay. look uh let's just keep doing school okay we're at school and we're walking on to the hallowed grass of kevin quad yeah so the quad is named after kevin uh it is spelled k w a d uh and the you hear the big bell, and it's like, ball. By the way, K-W-A-D, it's spelled that way because it stands for Kevin's wet ass dick. Oh, hell yeah. Okay. This is a bad boy university. I love that.

Well, you know, and there's the new song. There's the pussy stuff and about how it's all wet. And Kevin's like, i actually had that idea first and it's like no you didn't first of all you didn't have an idea so your dick is very wet that's not you having an idea and it's also that's not the uh the pitch right no a wet ass pussy that's an exciting pitch that's something you you sit down and you listen for that's something to advertise a wet ass dick requires some explanation actually it it it begs more questions than it answers at best it's an accident at worst it it is something uh something sinister i'd say and also you didn't do i mean like and i'm glad you didn't but it's like you it's not like you

took this idea out there in any way it's just something that you had so it's not actionable in any way and so kevin's like what do i do you know like like like how do i like make this right and it's like there is nothing to do like you just you see yes your dick is extremely wet if anything talk to a doctor or some sort of profession yeah but nothing like with this song like it just exists separately from i understand it's exciting when you first see the song to be like oh other people have the same problem but that's a misunderstanding of like both sides of it it's like they're not thinking of it as a problem yeah right they're celebrating you are uh terribly diseased and uh one of you has to

compromise in this and recognize that this isn't yours to have but that actually reminds me kevin do you need to change the towel i know sometimes during the podcast thank you for reminding me yep i'll get a new towel it's now i was bigger towel yeah so it it just affects like how sound is absorbed like honestly when the towel gets so wet at some point we can't even hear you yeah i i've heard and uh i apologize to put this out there kevin that you uh sometimes just put a bounty roll down there, just like the entire roll and sort of use it as a as a cushion for the wet. And that's OK. I have no doubt out there. I have noticed that just it affects the sound quality of a podcast in the little bit of podcasting I do.

And again, I'm here to learn. But it does seem to hinder the sound quality. It was something I was hoping was going to get brought up in class was like, what kind of bouncy rolls should you bounce rolls? Should you put under mine are bouncy to underneath your bingus when it's wet. That was my first question for podcast school. Yeah, I probably won't cover that. Yeah, probably. Okay.

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I just want to establish. It's none of this, like, here's a pile of ingredients. Like, this is the meal. The meal has to be ready. It's not a recipe of ingredients like this is the meal the meal has to be ready it's not a recipe okay this is the meal you cook the full meal for us now yeah you don't just send us a bunch of stuff you had laying around in your cabinet you're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week, including Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, and Keto. Which is this?

It's a little bit of all of them. Okay. Okay, it shouldn't be. There are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long. How many add-ons? And what are some of them? It's one big add-on, and it's you on your bed. You're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy.

You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that.

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because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it may be almost yeah and they're standing in the middle and as i'm driving and i'm cruising they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost and they're really aggressively like pushing it out i'm like am i supposed to drive get out of the car yes or just do it out the window as i'm going that's what i've been doing dangerous yeah but some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world.

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They're the scourge of our modern life, and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they intended to send me by the way you'll this will shock you 54 dresses if i did not cancel and i you know i think oh that one's got an end point by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear. And one of them was a dressing. Yeah.

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So you walk into class one, and it's the earliest period of the day and everyone's sitting down and up front is coach corolla and he's like everyone everyone sit down hi i'm your professor today for the rest of the year and in this this class, you get to say whatever you want. This isn't a safe space. You get to be, and you get to say like the nastiest shit in here. And that is actually a really important part of podcasting is there is, it is not not it is not a safe space except for i guess one

which sean can speak to a little bit yeah there is a safe space for the millennials who so desperately need one that space is located six feet underground. Pretty safe down there. So if you do elect to request a safe space, I'll give you a safe space, all right. About six feet underground. Pretty safe down there. Damn. Burned. Yeah, and that'll be your new dorm location.

Rent's pretty good there as well. I got you. I know everybody wanted rent forgiveness. Cancel rent, right? Well, there's no rent in your safe space. Six feet underground, pretty safe down there. You should try and also you should try living in your own head.

I'm in there rent free and it's pretty roomy because you don't have a brain. This is helpful. All of this is very helpful. That's to the millennials. I got you you this isn't directly towards me unless i so choose not to uh say the words that i know uh i should say which are the words other people tell me not to say yes that's so that's the stuff that you are supposed to say if people are like hey that really made me sad or that like that made me uh my feelings be

hurt and that i i felt like just kind of an undesirable uh person in society from how you said that that's good uh because it means that you've like you've touched a nerve that uh other people are that made other people scared. It means that you're brave. I got you. There is bravery in saying, shut the fuck up. These are my words now, and your feelings are mine to control. Yes.

That's brave as hell. uh and that means that you are just a free thinker and uh and smart and uh and also you are rich you also became very rich would we go so far as to call that maverick behavior it feels like maverick behavior are you bringing that up because you want to talk about the james garner uh mel gibson foster vehicle i again i i didn't that wasn't my intention i just uh Because you want to talk about the James Garner, Mel Gibson, Joey Foster vehicle. Again, that wasn't my intention. I just... Speaking of Mel, episode one. That's your guest. Daddy's home.

Oh, okay. Daddy is home. And he's Mel. So we're getting, right away, we're getting a guy who's got a history, who's got some stories to tell. Yeah. And some people don't like the stories he has to tell. Yeah.

Some people are going to say, hey, you can't invite him on to tell the stories that he wants to tell on account of the way that he told them in the past. A lot of people are going to say that, unfortunately. And you know exactly where to send them. Straight to the space six feet under uh-huh that's where it's located and so so let's play this out i'll be mel you're you're the host and i could be like a sidekick or something huh well yeah well let's develop this character. Yeah. And also, so I am the host of this show. Sean, what's your kind of title? You're like the... I'm like the crock.

And so, but you're the crock on this show. But what about on Langston's show, where I'm the guest, Mel Gibson? You're the guest, Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah. On Langston's show where i'm the guest mel gibson you're the guest mel gibson oh yeah on langston's show i'm like the gator yeah okay i was hoping you'd say something like that that's perfect so you can just like welcome me and ask about like that stuff i said okay uh well today uh we've gotten a very exciting guest he chomp chomp chomp chomp you know him from uh you know him from what women want you know him from braveheart you know him from that movie with the beaver uh uh thing i think it was called the beaver who knows it his name mel gibson give it up for mel gibson all right thanks for uh having me i uh i didn't say any of that stuff. Okay, you're coming in. You just want to address it right away. Yep, I never said any of that. I knew it. Nice. And

it was fake. And if I had said it, it was cool to say. Now, see, that's an interesting interpretation mel because uh a lot of people feel differently a lot of people say that it wasn't cool to say some well in that case he didn't say it i mean right he wouldn't have to answer for that that that makes sense because if you had said it it was cool to say if you if it wasn't cool to say you would never have said it yep but i didn't what's danny glover like danny is a dear friend how'd he feel about you uh threatening your your ex-girlfriend by getting uh assaulted by a pack of people his color he He felt sort of neutral about it because it all didn't see it. Danny Glover just wasn't tapped in that day to the internet. He's not very online.

He doesn't use a computer, which I love. I built my own computer. Oh, okay. I can't get enough of being online. This is fascinating stuff, Mel. All of social media. all love i built my own computer oh okay i can't get enough of being on lawn that's this is fascinating stuff mel uh all of social media okay any any new socials you're you're really uh into are you are you doing any cool new social media hey we gotta do an ad for cigarettes i hate to interrupt but we do have to do an ad for so this is really important langston do you have any ad partnerships yet uh it sounds like i uh it sounds like paul mall red might uh might have already reached out

uh if if i'm correct sean is that true is that's right yeah paul mall and it's i have the copy here and it's basically you can have fun with it but it's like it's not just your mean aunt who smokes these anymore okay uh well uh we're gonna throw throw to a commercial and we'll be right back with more Mel Gibson and more of him talking about social media and Danny Glover. Hey, do you do you like cigarettes? But have you felt like some of the cigarettes aren't for you because your mean aunt wouldn't let you have them. Well, guess what? Paul Maul, he said you could have some now. And they're red.

And you can smoke them. And they taste good. And here's a little spot for a personal testimonial. And I'd just love to say that Paul Maul was the kind of cigarettes they kept behind the desk at the rehab that i lived at and they they would just they'd hand well if you ran out or if nobody came to uh visit you and drop off a pack then um sometimes you could get a palm all away from the lady at the desk all these were sort of like lost and found cigarettes like uh i lost my cigarettes may i have a palm i hate to label them other than they

were Paul Mauls and they were available to you. And I certainly took advantage of it. And no mean aunt can take that away from Sean. He got those Paul Mauls from behind that desk. And you can get your own Paul Maul someday.

I cannot remember who made us think that we were wise and we never compromised. Also, the mascot of the cigarettes, P-A-U-L Mall, which was the

original name of Paul Blart Mallcott. They just called him Paul Mall. Paul Mall. Cousin of Death Mall. Death Mall, yes. they just called him Paul Maul cousin of Death Maul Death Maul yeah from the stars

was it Death Maul D-E-F Maul it fails me all of them love cigarettes and you should too Paul Maul yeah Death Maul looked like he smoked a lot of them and he's sort of red he looked like he smoked a lot of them and he sort of read he looked like the lungs that they hold up and say this is what your lungs are gonna look like and

he said fuck that this is my face you idiot death mall and uh just like so scary and in honestly death vader is like even scarier to me yes and kevin if you just want to play uh the mascot character paul mall who uh is is is of course the original version of paul blart mall cop you can just get a couple wild lines from you endorsing cigarettes smoke them if you got them nice and so that's really that's really good so now you have an ad partnership and you uh have like put out there basically that you'll do an ad for whatever what i listen i'll sell cigarettes to kids i don't give a fuck which i know the advertisers love which means that more revenue right yeah and even if you can say even if you say on the show like it's only for a certain age or like only this uh like

like anytime you read like the fine print or whatever they know that's all kids listening to this right like they know that like the right people are hearing this and they'll figure out how to um oh actually you also have to do a thing where so this is like a weird new thing in podcasting but as part of a lot of podcasts we say so we just like record wild lines like, hello, sir. I'd like a pack of whatever that is right there. Oh. And then little kids can go into a store, play that part of this podcast and like mouth along to it and sound like an adult. A grown up. I got you.

And so now we're really moving cigarettes. So like a sup chief. Let a sup chief let me get a let me get a pack of squares that sells it yep yes that's good that's clearly like someone who's much older than 18 yeah he knows all the lingo and ass son of a bitch i left my id in the truck you're not really gonna make me walk out there and get it are you this is my kids this is my only break what the fuck what do you want from me and so kids are like mouthing that over and over again and they're they're doing they're like this sarah cooper you you know this sarah cooper yeah kids are doing it like she like no no but look back up she's not saying a word of that stuff that's all fake i'm telling you she's tricking everybody she's taking everybody for a

ride it blows my mind i didn't i didn't uh i just found out what a real voice sounds like nothing like the video right that's that's who all like that's what i'm watching on social media i love sarah cooper oh and we're back with uh mel and uh turns out he's a big fan of sarah cooper mel any chance that you you like sarah cooper just because it's a chance to revitalize your career this is a strategy move the moral career doesn't need to be revitalized. I've been welcomed back into Hollywood and society. And that all, it's logical, makes sense because all I did do, I didn't do or say anything that they said I did. Gotcha.

So now, this episode is huge. You've got Mel Gibson going on record. Freaking huge story. Yeah, massive story the fact that he didn't say any of that stuff that's crazy and it's believable because this is such an intimate space this is so yes yeah well this is your carlos bencia two-parter you know yes i gotcha you're cracking you're really cracking in to the human, getting to the core of that nut. Mm-hmm.

Yes, the human nut. Can I do another poll quote for Paul Blart? Yep. Yep. Paul Blart. We're going to throw to another. His name is Paul Mall. Paul Mall.

That's sweet, Paul Mall, for this. Safety never takes a holiday, but you do with one of our amazing cigarettes. See you soon. You can't just say one of our cigarettes. You have to say with like a hundred. Yeah, they're not selling them like Lucy's. Yeah. They're coming in packs.

Safety never takes a holiday, but you do and you can with one pack of 13 cigarettes no it has to be more than that goodnight what happened to the other 7 don't say goodnight we're trying to build an addictive nature here

we're certainly not encouraging people to go to sleep right now good morning that's better safety never takes a holiday but you can People to go to sleep right now. Yeah. Good morning. That's better. Safety never takes a holiday, but you can with a pack of our 21 cigarettes. You get an extra one from me. Paul, talk to you soon. Enjoy breakfast.

I would say of the three that was that was my favorite. Thank you. That was the best. And we have the best one. We can sort of patch it together um so of course now it is time for lunch at the dining hall and so you're at podcast university and you go down to the dining hall and of course the entire school is a podcast studio so all the food is chips uh and it's served on uh that styrofoam turned upside down the the walls like they insulate things huh now now walk me

through this because it's such a this is why we want you to be a teacher after this because you have these really uh creative ideas buddy i'm out there i'm a i'm a wild guy and uh you know you you imagine it and it can be real yeah you're out there but let me in there because i'd like i'd like to i'd like to get in that sweet brain of yours and start seeing some of what you're seeing let's go let's go serving the chips now the chips will all be from a company that somehow the podcast university has like a brand partnership with of some kind so it's like it's not chips you want but it's chips you can have and they'll and they'll be served on explain this again so you the padding on the walls of a of a podcast studio or it to insulate the sound now so yeah we're gonna flip that over right that's the plate flat part and that's the plate

you remove it from the wall and that's your plate for chips or you just put them on the table then you just eat them eat them off the table and there's the big water bottle and the glasses sitting right on the table of the dining hall and there's of course seltzer so you can be doing these wonderful little burps all the way through the show that you're about to record or sometimes you don't actually do the burp you just do the thing where you're like talking and you're like so mel gibson like what was it like directing apocalypto you the key is i if i'm understanding correctly is to interrupt yourself at the the height of your question really at the the the almost uh crescendo of everything that's gonna leave the audience on

the edge of their seat just being like i wonder what this podcaster is about to ask right yes but as long as you like uh as long as you're talking and then you stop and then you continue talking like this that means you successfully covered up the burp and no one is. No one. They don't have a fucking clue. They think it was a pause for dramatic effect. I would like to say the dining hall should also maybe have a couple like quarter cupcakes like like half like sort of taken apart with the hands like sprinkles cupcakes that you sort of look at like do i want this and then you are told that they are for someone else uh because

because it's a shared space they're not always for you and you you have to accept that that's on you they're either for someone else or they are uh three days old, even though you've been in here. Every single day. Yeah, exactly. But like, why weren't they out here when they were? Why do I never see these when they're new? It's almost as if someone brought them specifically to taunt you. And just like that should be the impression.

Yes. and just like that should be the yeah impression yes food that is somehow already old when it shows up and this feels like and correct me gentlemen if you you don't agree i i think it it's motivation because you want to be the recipient of those cupcakes you want to be the person who who those three-day-old cupcakes were originally sent for yeah and we'll be doing this with everything cardboard cutouts yep uh motivation all this yes uh merch displayed merch like um you know show logos little like logos up on the wall all of this stuff will be used as motivation to drive you to either be so successful that you get your own cardboard cut out or to leave

you also have to step over other people's gifts from like the P.O. box. It's like stacks and stacks of fan mail. Lots of fan mail. They're toppling over and like potentially crushing you. No one is allowed to collect or open their fan mail because it has to be there as sort of a temple to their success and a symbol. we if they read the fan mail what would block the pathway what would what would yeah then you just walk to the studio and do your show right there'd be no shrine and that's the i mean that's the thing for the other people listening all the shows that you like send fan mail to that you like they don't they don't open it or like look at it like they never touched it we look at it and we

write their responses oh sean and i do yeah can you can you give an example of just just one of the the recent letters you wrote back uh i have one too if you need help i know you don't well no go ahead yeah let's hear kevin's hey timmy sorry for the delay the live tour we did took forever sounds good dude thanks for the amazon gift cards i i don't know that movie that's unusual by the way like sometimes it is gift cards but usually they just send money so to like like a like a paul sheer like the other like big shows on the network like they are just getting sent cash straight cash in the mail cash or like cashier's checks and why and again i'm new to this so i'm just trying to gather as much information as I can. I'm just trying to soak up from you guys. Why do they not want the cash?

Why not open this mail and collect cash? Sorry, speaking of soak up, Kevin, do you need to change your towel? Do any of you guys have bounce rolls? No. Not me. So what do you think a bounce roll is? I think that originally Langston said like brownie paper towels. In this case, it is a bounce roll so there's bounty and then he said bouncy but now it is a bounce roll which is a roll of bounce fabric softener

that is as big as a roll of paper towels so i want my paper towels smelling good that's not so to answer your question langston why don't they accept this cash why don't they open the envelopes it actually would cost paul sheer more to spend the time it would take to open an envelope and to deposit the cash uh than it would to actually like to do the work and to make that much more money by speaking into a microphone wow capitalism is complicated, but I hear you. It's a crazy dance, this podcast world. It's actually very simple, capitalism. And what it says is, the cream rises to the top.

I got you. And except in the case of Kevin, where it leaks down underneath the chair it soaks through to the bottom but I understand your idea it's just like yeah

it is cool what I like is just like that it kicks ass I like that it's fair so in the interest of fairness i would love to give you an opportunity um because we are close to wrapping up to talk about like what your classes might entail or how you're going to kind of change the curriculum to make it your own look what's your syllabus because you are now the teacher you've finished the university yeah

you're the teacher now okay well and i would say and just to like uh drop what sean was saying before so he was being a little funny when he said that it's fair uh for someone like paul sheer uh who is an incredibly kind person and also makes a show about something that people really want to hear and is like consistently very entertaining and like he gets good guests and like puts a lot of time into it uh for that to be also the most successful show on the network just goes to show you like there's no predicting what will work sure it is really you know i mean in any direction no i'd say you can't predict the marketplace like it's just gonna take these wild left turns whereas like for instance there was a show where it was like two full-blown unknowns just basically being mean and like but mean in a way where like they're really

happy about it but no one else is and then and then also putting all these barriers up around the meanness where it's like so specific

that there's no way to even access it and feel like you're participating with them not that you would want to because it appears kind of unpleasant and ghoulish but that actually might did yeah yeah you couldn't um that sounds like right people like that's they've essentially created a pretty exclusive club right there must be the most popular thing that's been made right and something like that's essentially created a pretty exclusive club right there. Must be the most popular thing that's been made. And something like that actually might not work. So that's how crazy this, you know, that's how kind of random this whole process is.

So that's less than one to a hundred and one. You know, that's that's the big one. So now you are the professor. Congratulations of the school. Yeah. That's the big one. So now you are the professor. Congratulations of the school. Yeah. And so what were you asking him, Sean, about being professor?

Well, just like what's, you know, obviously we want you to make it your own, just like the ad reads. What are you going to do with the curriculum? How would you kind of approach it? Pretend I'm a student, you know, what's my class now? Sure. Okay. Well, we're, I obviously want to utilize some of the, the learnings that I've gathered from you, but I also, I got to make it my own. I've got to make it something new. And one of the things that I think is important for podcasting is, is, is we, we've covered ad breaks. We've covered, we've covered, we've covered ad breaks we've covered we've covered we've covered upsetting deceptively simple huh i one of the things what happens at the end langston what's the big there we're missing one thing there's one thing we haven't covered one thing we you you gotta close you got oh we need

a theme song we need a theme song you do close out. But you just like, you never even hear that. You farm that out to someone else and like you aren't involved. You're just going to speed past that. It rhymes with Langston Hugs. And it is the plugs. Oh, the plugs. We got to drop.

You got to drop the plugs. You got to let people tell the world what they're up to. Yes. So what would that sound like for you to do it right now? For me. So as the professor, if I were to plug the things that are happening in my world, personally, I would say that I have a brand new podcast. It's called My Mama Told Me. It's coming out next Tuesday, or maybe it won coming out next Tuesday. Or maybe it won't be next Tuesday. August 18th.

It's been out. It's out. It's out. And surprise everyone. Kevin, come on. Kevin. Just let it. Please, Kevin. Let the show come out tomorrow, this episode.

Just drop it right now, Kevin. We already promised someone else we were going to do that. We can't keep promising people things. Unbelievable. How long will it have been out at least? A week. A whole week. So you guys are tired of it already.

But that's okay. You can listen to more of it because there will be a lot of episodes of My Mama Told Me. And streaming it. And you can review it and say nice things and that would be that would be great it's a dollar a stream it's a dollar a stream that's the big thing you gotta know for all podcasts that's not necessarily what it costs but that's what we make it and that's why we really count those streams we because that's just that's money in the bank baby that's what we say every time a stream comes in

money in the bank baby and then you just need a one word sign off for like the end of an episode like what you say we we just say bye but like what will you say at the end of your podcast episode uh i'm gonna say uh charleston chew and i'll do this this hand motion they won't see it but that they won't see it but it's really a fun signature yeah debatable whether it's one word but I give you an A plus

bye alright well great that's out Hollywood Handbook that was a HeadGum Podcast