Hollywood Handbook - Lauren Greenberg, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: September 29, 2014

Hayes and Sean start off with a round of Gmail Roulette where they tackle current topics like the NFL controversy and leaked nudes. Then, LAUREN GREENBERG is in the studio to talk about writing for the MTV Movie Awards, the winner of the "scared as shit" performance, and her job on Twitter.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a com because it does end in com. Well, you didn't explain that very well then. Well, I said, no, that's for trash. And then he thinks I'm talking about his posts. And that's a whole other... He's very prideful when it comes to his online persona. Yes, his comments and his

reviews and to him to think that i was calling all of it trash well and it's not and his stuff is not trash he's not a troll no can't stand trolls these trolls no more food for you troll i'm not throwing any more bread under the bridge and And it doesn't starve down there. It doesn't work on me. It doesn't make me mad, which is what they want, but it makes me disappointed. Well, that's exactly right as I go like, oh, good. Now I can't even enjoy my computer. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button, Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Usually on the show, what you're used to is, of course, we talk about movies,

we talk about TV, but also sometimes we like to get into the issues of the day. More and more lately, I feel like that is, what up, what up? I feel like that is what we have been doing is mixing it up and some of these very touchy sensitive issues and i can understand how listeners would feel a little scared to hear the program and have to get roiled up and this is where like you this is where we we try to go to escape into the world of creative arts and not to necessarily have to just like stomp around in the muck of the nightly news. And so this week we were hoping to sort of take a little break from that and play a game

of Gmail Roulette, a nice light game of Gmail Roulette. That's what it is. It's a nice light game of Gmail roulette. That's what it is. It's a game. And so we're doing that, and hopefully that will let us just sort of tune out and have some laughs and just talk about some of our fun, funny friends who probably sent us an email. This is what Gmail roulette is. Hayes, do you want to explain the game?

We would love to play this game more. Roulette is a game. It features a wheel, and you spin the wheel, so you might think that this is like that's wheelie interesting. It's not the same. It's a different wheel, and this wheel has all of our emails on it. And you spin the wheel, and it lands on one of our emails from Gmail, and we have to read that email no matter what.

We still don't have a theme song for this, which we would love to have. We played it twice now, and nobody has stepped up to create theme song. Instead, we have three Popcorn Gallery theme songs, none of which are... Quite frankly, none of them are very good. And so if we could,

instead of free Popcorn Gallery theme songs, we could have one good Gmail roulette theme song. Or even two bad Gmail roulette theme songs and two bad popcorn gallery theme songs. That would be okay, too. The one thing we don't want is free popcorn gallery theme songs. Free popcorn gallery and zero Gmail roulette. Which happens to be exactly what we have right now.

Zero teaser freezer theme songs. Zero That's Wheelie interesting, which we've only played once, but let's face it, that was a good game. happens to be exactly what we have right now zero teaser freezer theme songs zero that's really interesting which we've only played once but let's face it that was a good game and guys we can't write the songs too we're doing the game and being the hosts we can't do a whole song as we are being the host well now that you got that amount of education, let's actually spin the wheel of our emails. Okay. You've got mail. Which one is it?

The email? Yeah. I know it's not allowed to spin again. Can I spin again? I appreciate you saying that you know it's not allowed to spin again can i spin again and i appreciate you say that you know it's not allowed but my answer to that is that that it is not allowed and that's the only rule of the game and you cannot spin again but hayes i think when you hear what the email is you'll know why i wanted to spin again that's a very good reason. I think that is the best reason, but the rule of the game is

that when you spin the wheel and once you actually touch the wheel, after that, even if you take your hands off, you have to read the email that it was on when you touch it. Why did it have to be this email? Why? We wanted to get away from stomping around in the muck of the nightly news.

Well, you can take as long as you want before you read it. There are no rules about how long. Like, you can... Oh, well, then I'll sit here all night. You can stretch it out as long as you want. The only rule is that you have to read it. It doesn't say when. Well, I'm going to sit here for three days and three nights

and wait you out. And the only thing I hope is that you and Engineer Cody don't scheme to cut out all the dead space where I was sitting and waiting. All right. It's from Roger Goodell. So it says, hi, Zoshon Shons. That's how he. Yeah.

Hi, Zoshon Shons. Did I did good at the press conference? Didn't I do all that good stuff like what you said? And even I used some of your jokes. Wasn't that good? I was just what you said. Too cool for school and nobody's fool. I really feel like I handled all the bad questions from the mean guys and some of the nice ones.

And I even think that it went good and that it had fun for everybody. So how you like that? And PS, and can't wait to see the movie that you talked about what you're going to do. It sounds really good. Can't believe you got all those big stars and that it's going to be such a good movie. Okay, so he's spoiling a project that I told him about that I didn't want to tell anyone about. So that's one reason I didn't want to read this email. Now everyone knows there's going to be big stars in my movie and that it's going to be good.

You know what? Why don't I get into the first half of Roger's email? Okay. So, and this is part of the reason why I'm so excited for this show, Selfie, to come out. Because somebody's finally going to start telling the story of how difficult it is for guys like me who take these roughnecks under our wings and try to make actual gentlemen and formal ladies out of them. Because I am from a pretty spotty background.

You know, I've got a checkered past, and I ran with some very rough and tumble characters. Yes. As you know. Yes, I know. Did a little hell raising. Yes. But I have managed to polish myself so that I can mingle with high society and still understand the blue collar man. Yeah.

only ever been around ruffians, does need a mentor of sorts. And Henry Iggin's to sort of educate and groom his Eliza Dushku. Anyway, so anyway, watch selfie. Everybody watch selfie. Because they are showing how hard it is that these people can't break their old habits habits and you're excited for it to come out because people don't know how hard it is well because i've been working so hard with roger and a series of of other uh pupils yeah and he now thinks that he did good at the press conference but i think we all know

with some of what's been going on in the NFL that he didn't do that good. And that Roger Goodell has really been more of a Roger Baddell because he's been battling with some stuff that's pretty not good. And the L stands for? Well, losing games of football because yeah because in the football game of being the best at running the football league he's losing that game yeah and they're getting and the press is getting a lot of touchdowns what you said to him that the reason i think he is a bad owl is he apologized. And for the kind of stuff that is going on in the league right now,

if you grew up a certain way, like you and I did, we came from a place where this is just a cultural thing. This is just what people do. Like you hear that Michael Peterson is, he got a switch. He's using the switch yes and you and i you know some people hear that and say oh a switch like a a stick hitting a boy you can't have that with a stick how could you how dare you but they're not from the south and it is a fine line between saying

you can't hit your kids and actually getting in no place where we're saying well you can't hit anyone even a criminal yes they say you can't discipline your kids but who criminals a bank robber is somebody's kid and now and now you can't hit a bank robber as he's running away. Yes, he's got a sack of money. He's running away. With a dollar sign. He's running away. You're faster than him.

You can catch him. And you're holding a switch or a sledgehammer. And you're not allowed to clobber him on the buttocks. Or lasso them with the switch. Yes. Now suddenly we're not allowed to do that he is someone's child and even actually even i think if you are his dad you should be able to do that now i'm not necessarily defending these specific actions

of these people but it is a fine line i think we've shown that and it's a cultural thing where if you grew up where we grew up and you did a bad you did a bad something doesn't matter what it is you stole a plug nickel or you hid some skin magazines in a hollow tree. You got in big trouble. You glued your sister's ponytail to her side of her face. And your dad would lay... Push a frog down the slide at the playground and the frog got squished because you push him too hard. Your dad would say, Son, get in here to the table room.

And there would just be the table in there. And on the table. You trap your grandpa in the attic and then you put a whole wasp hive up in the attic. And he's covered in wasp stings. On the table he lays out some objects. He lays out like an ear of corn. A roll of paper towels, switch, sure. And he says choose.

And you don't know what it is he's going to do with any of those things. Yes. And your best guess is you have a very good idea of what he might do with that switch. Yes. And so it's the devil you know or... The devil you don't want to know. Because pretty soon you're eating a roll of paper towels and that switch is starting to look pretty good.

Mm-hmm. You get about halfway through that roll of paper towels and your belly's aching something fierce. It's expanding in your belly. And pretty soon you're not hungry for any more paper towels and you're wondering if maybe you should have picked that switch. And so now suddenly the switch is a bad thing. But if you think of what the alternative is. And these people who are criticizing some of these parenting techniques are acting as if it would be better

for him to have them eating paper towels. Yes. Because what are you going to do? And it's also implying that a little boy made the wrong choice, and he's four years old, and for him to know that he should have picked the ear of corn, which is just also to eat. Yes, the ear of corn, that one is not that hard. I mean, I have trouble eating corn just because I do have – my front tooth is impermanent. But compared to the other punishments, it's not as bad a punishment.

Yes, I would prefer dealing with it. I just kind of have to eat it with the side of my mouth. Or if I'm allowed, I would cut the corn pieces off the cup. And you are allowed to do that. You're allowed to do that. You get utensils, you get a napkin, and you get a nice piece of meat to go with it. And so to imply that he made a bad choice when he's four years old and he doesn't know any better, that he picked the middle punishment.

I didn't know what the corn was until I was probably 27 years old. It's a scary choice. Because I picked paper towels first, then I picked Switch. I knew I never wanted to do paper towels again. So I stayed on Switch for a while. The Switch is feeling pretty good every time you remember the paper towels.

And what I think I used to imagine the ear of corn was going to be was pretty nefarious. Yeah, I thought he was going to throw it at me. Yeah, right at my face. Right hit me right in the face, right there. Well, and part of it's pointy. right there well and it's the part of it's pointy so if you actually really think about it it is all it's this is you know what we're saying smart so anyway uh goodell kind of blew it because he did do an apology but we didn't want to get into all the news and look here we are so Hayes just you know take me away from all of this with a nice email okay I'll uh spin the wheel all right Hayes hey wheel I'm just gonna

spin you real quick if that's okay oh yeah give me a spin I got lots of emails for you today okay I'm just uh if you'll just let me I'm just gonna do a quick spin and then we'll be over it okay I love spinning! Alright, here I go! Whee! Here's your email, boss! Thanks, Will. Okay. Oh, God.

Oh, Sean. What is it? Don't make me do it. Well, Hayes, you know that I wanted to change the rule. I know, but let's say. I did my email. But from now on. I wanted to change the rule.

But from now on. What did we say? From now on is a new rule. And the new rule is that we can change the email if we want to starting after this email or starting with this email starting right now which i guess is yes it's before we do this one oh no no you don't because then what happens is the next time i spin it if i get unlucky again then i ask you and you go, well, the rule is. And it's happened before and you've tried to trick me and you cannot trick me.

What about this? I don't have to read the whole thing. I can just read any part of it I want. Do you think that I wanted to read the whole thing of mine? Well, we didn't even discuss that as an option. And so it actually seems like a pretty reasonable rule. And if you had brought that up, then maybe you wouldn't have had to read the whole thing. Be honest.

Well, I don't know because we didn't even talk about it. Say the truth. You know that if I had really asked to only read part of it, you would have said that's not the rules. And you know that the rules is you have to read the whole email. Otherwise, you could just say hi or you could just even use some of the letters inside the email to make new words. You're right. I forgot to be honest. Say the truth for once.

Okay, I guess I'm going to read the whole email. It's from Kate Bosworth. She says, hey, two scoops. That's my muscles. My bicep.

It looks like a scoop of ice cream when I pump it up does that you understand i always got it two scoops that's his bicep i said it looks like a scoop of ice cream kate says hey i noticed i sent you all those nudes and you never even said whether you liked them or not and i don't want to brag but I thought that some of them were pretty good nudes. And so I put them online in case you were going to be online and you could see them there. And I also put all my friends' nudes online as well.

And so maybe you would be searching around and you would see some nudes and you would then eventually land on mine. My name starts with B. It's not that far down the list. then eventually land on mine. My name starts with B. It's not that far down the list. And so now that you've, I think, probably seen all my nudes, I was wondering if you could maybe write me back and tell me if you think the nudes are even good or not. Because I don't mind if you say that they're bad. I'm actually just looking for an honest criticism of my nudes. This gets me to a subject that I've been actually wanting to talk about for a long time. You have been wanting to talk about it or you haven't? Well, I've been wanting to talk about the subject.

I didn't actually want to read the whole email because it's so long. And that subject is, if you look at these photos, you are committing a crime. Okay? You are a stealer. All right? You stole something, and it's the same as stealing anything else. Any jewels? No, I disagree.

I disagree. It's not the same as stealing anything else. It's not the same as stealing anything else. I think it is. It's stealing a sexy thing, and so actually you're a sex criminal. Oh, okay. Yes, I do agree with that. So it's even a sexy thing and so actually you're a sex criminal oh okay yes i do agree with that it's even worse than stealing even worse than stealing jewels which okay that's bad and no one should do that but let's face it we've all done that at some point but in but stealing something sexy makes you the lowest.

And it's a crime. And it's a crime because. The worst kind of sex crime is stealing something sexy. And it just so happens that these things belong to me. These are my nudes. Exactly. It's a crime because these aren't yours. These are for Hayes. Kate Bosworth wants to impress Hayes,

so she put her nudes online so he could see them and then to kind of throw people off the scent that it was her doing it slash maybe give him some field of comparison so that he doesn't just see her nudes and go, well, I think they're good, but I didn't see any other nudes, Kelly Cuoco, whatever. Because she didn't want that to happen, she put out a bunch of them, and that's just for him.

And if you downloaded any nudes, I'd appreciate it if you would give them back to me, please. Send them back to Hayes immediately, and then wipe your computer, put it in the dumpster trash compact and then forget about the nudes that you saw because those are only for me supposed to see go look at other nudes until you've forgotten these ones because these ones aren't for you and And this is not, I should say, this is not a sexual relationship. I'm very happily. That's so clear from the email.

Carrie Ann and I are actually doing it pretty well, thank you very much. The email is so explicit that she only wants a studied eye to provide an honest evaluation. Of her nudes. Of the photos themselves. And not even necessarily of her nude bod. Not her body. Of the composition of the photos. Now, I haven't seen these.

I've been very busy myself. Well, and I don't want to be in jail. Because these aren't for me and anyone who looks at them who they're not for should go to jail. So I agree with everyone else who says that

don't even look at them because it's a crime and if you do it, you go to jail because they're for me. They're only for my nudes. How would you like it, you at home,

if you could imagine something where you own something. Let's say it's a naked picture of a woman and somebody else is looking at it. Yeah, and so maybe one day, maybe a bunch of girls who are in movies are going to send you a bunch of nudes one day. And maybe I'll look at all yours. Maybe I will see how you feel about it then. And you don't say that. You wouldn't do that. Well, I wouldn't actually,

but I'm saying what if I did? It would be fair if he did because of what everyone did to him, but he wouldn't do it because he's above that. And all you grimy little greasy little Reddit monsters with your 4chan and your little forums and your celeb jchan and your little forums,

your celeb jihad and your gross, disgusting sites. You're digging around, mucking around in the bottom of the internet, eating the ooze that makes you live and looking at these nudes. And I don't want to think about what you do when you look at them. Sean, they don't eat ooze. We don't to think about what you do when you look at them. Sean, they don't eat ooze. We don't know that. No, we do. Come on.

These are human beings. You're saying they eat ooze? Could have fooled me. They committed a sex crime. They don't eat ooze. Well, maybe I went a little too far with the ooze part. And I'm willing to admit where I'm wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I take back what I said about the ooze. That's Gmail Roulette. We have a great guest today. We don't know who they are. We thought we did, but we don't. A Hollywood handbook. So I'm at the stoplight And I turn and there's a guy in a convertible Right next to me

And I go, oh my gosh It's Frank Caliendo And I say, Frank Caliendo Frank Frank TV And he turns and he goes Caliendo! Frank! Frank! Frank TV! And he turns and he goes, I'm John Madden.

But that's how good Frank is. I mean, I just thought that was a great sort of object lesson about impressionists and... Are you sure wasn't john madden it was john madden it was but it wasn't frank being john madden it was john madden for real wow did he say i'm john madden right now yes okay so that sounds like it was frank but he's doing his John Madden impression. Well, he had a big turkey leg. Okay. And he's glomming and munching on it. Okay.

Well, that doesn't help because that's something both John Madden does and what Frank does when he's doing John Madden. So that is not useful information. I don't know if there's any way to distinguish them. Big gentleman. Big guy. Okay, no, they're both big. Is this right? Is what right?

Both big? Yes, this is right. Hmm. I don't know about this. So you don't know who you saw? Not yet, no. I'm texting Frank. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button, dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We talk about music and we talk about movies and we talk about TV,

but what about all three music, movies, TV were the same thing at the same time. And that's what we want to talk about a little bit today with Lauren Greenberg, who's our guest. Hi, Lauren. Hi. She's on Twitter, and she's a celebrity there. Can you put your phone down, please? I'm just doing some stuff on my phone. And you're at?

At Lauren Greenberg. At Lauren Greenberg, and that's where you're on Twitter. But Twitter isn't your only job. No, it's not even a job. But you do it all the time. Sure. I don't get paid for it. It's more of like a service.

So you only get paid for some of it. In a way, yeah. I get paid in likes. What do you mean? It's when people like fave. I guess it would be faves. Yeah. What do you mean?

It just means people like me. 17.3 thousand. Frank is not getting back to me. 13,000 people like me. How much? 17.3. And if you tweeted about our show, that would mean that 17.3 thousand people would like our show. It's true.

It means if you just posted once, this is what's good. Huh. That didn't occur to us before we brought you on here. But now that you're here, it seems like that would be a good opportunity to bring some listeners to our show. Well, I had expressly said that I didn't want 17.3 thousand people to like our show. And now I'm scared that you might tweet about us. Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Well, how will you resist?

Well, I'm very good at Twitter. Frank is being so difficult because I can see, you know, you can see that he's typing. Yes. I can see that he's typing. But he sits on his phone, too. What do you mean? It's always kind of typing something. When he's sitting down, it's always typing.

That is what happened. Okay, maybe that's what's going on because I'm going, just send it, Frank. Enough about Twitter for just a moment because what I was – I was giving a little few clues before to what we sort of want to talk about today, which is movies and music and TV all in one place at the same time. And how would that ever be? And it seems impossible, but somebody came up with an invention where all three are the same thing all at once. And Lauren, what would something like that look like? Maybe something like the MTV Movie Awards. The MTV Movie Awards.

Oh, now what's that? Someone tell me more about that as if I am not a religious fan of it. And tell about how it invented all three music movies and TV at the same time. And made them once. Well, I mean, it's the birth of those three things in one place. Yes, as one thing. Yes, as one. So we have music, television, movies being honored on television.

Yes. What else do you need? And music. Yes, there are. Yes. What else do you need? And music. Yes, there are. Yes, music. And playing music. Yeah. This year we had Zedd perform.

You guys, I'm sure, are big Zedd heads. Zedd. Mm-hmm. Is he one of the Smashing Pumpkins? Not quite. I think he is. He's the eastern one. I don't know how you say it now.

What's the right way to say it? Mongoloid gentleman. From the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh, right. Well, now he does electronic music. So, yeah, he's moved out of that, you know, 90s grunge thing. He's plugged in now. Yeah, yeah.

No more acoustic guitar for him. Right, yeah. Is that, do you think, going to happen more? Plugging in electronic 90s bands going digital? Yeah, of course. Good. Yeah. I like bands going digital. Yeah, of course. Good. Yeah. I like that too.

I think I like that. Gets the energy up, you know, in the audience at these shows. Lauren, you're Jewish, correct? I am. When we think about Christianity, we have something called the Holy Trinity. And what that means is there's the father and the baby and the ghost. And the three of them can also be one thing at the same time. They are all the same thing. And yes, this is They are all one thing at the same time. They are all the same thing.

And yes, this is hard to think about sometimes because it's three things. How could a baby be a ghost and the father? Yes, but the baby is the father's representative on the planet and the ghost is in your dreams and comes around and scares you if you're doing sins. So it is all one guy. Am I saying this right, Hayes? Yes. Yes. So what is the Jewish equivalent of that?

Is that what you were going to ask? Yeah. Well, is it this show? Is it the show? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Because Jews are very much entertainment based. And the show has it all. show? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Because Jews are very much entertainment based. And the show has it all.

Yeah. I would say the father would be the music. Oh, that's interesting. Speak on that. It's just like you just hear it. Oh, that's interesting. Yes. No, no.

It's like your dad yells at you and the music just screams at you. Maybe not in front of – I don't know if that's something we want to – Oh, I'm sorry. No. Just dig into it too much. No, but I can relate to that. I mean, let's talk about – I can relate to that because my dad was screaming at me right before I came because I left my shoes at the top of the stairs. So I live in a basement apartment in my father's home.

It is gorgeous. And I, when I come in, sometimes have made the mistake of I leave my shoes at the top of the stairs. I try not to wear my shoes around my house because I'm very Eastern. Right. And I love just feeling connected to the earth by having my bare feet on it but at a lot of restaurants you have to have shoes anyway so I own them but I try not to wear them so I left them

at the top of the stairs and when he was walking by to get a midnight snack yogurt he tripped on my shoe and this apparently is my fault And he tripped on my shoe. And this apparently is my fault that you don't turn the light on in the living room at night when you're sneaking to get a snack that you know you're not supposed to be having

because you know that you can't process it. And your nurse told me not to let you have it anymore. Right. So that is like music. You're both at fault. Yeah. Yeah, no, I, no, I, look, I see where you're coming from. Yeah.

What should I say to him? That's a great question. I mean, you're right. You write for people, you know, big stars to say stuff all the time. That's what you do at these shows. Yeah. So what do we say if maybe our dad screamed at us today and maybe we shout it back, I hate you. I would try.

But we don't hate him. We love him. Yeah, of course. I guess you would have to think of it in terms of what award to present him. Exactly. Oh. Yeah, so you want to just look at maybe his better qualities and maybe award one of those.

So it's getting on his good side and looking at the positive and what he did right this year or in that situation. So is there anything? Like if you could give your father an award what would it be for this situation sure and then you trip over the shoes and he was going to get yogurt he's not allowed to have it it was late at night. Didn't turn the light on. So that's, no, that's, can't get more for that. Hmm. Well, he had, he had his robe closed properly, which is not always the case.

Oh. And that can be uncomfortable when you're getting screamed at and the robe is not cinched up. Right. Yes. So. So what award, Lauren? Is that a good award? Yeah. I mean, the MTV Movie Awards,

you guys know we have like best shirtless performance. Oh, yes. So maybe best. This is something, this is the opposite in a way. Yeah. To best properly fasten the robe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Covered your body. Yes, he closed it up because when it flies open, it's uncomfortable. I would think so. Let's talk about different awards from the different shows. There's Best Shirtless Performance. different shows uh there is like there's best shirtless performance and what what's what what do you experience in terms of like the lobbying when different celebrities are like trying to get

the different awards and they because they realize what something like that could do for their sure career well little secret is it's usually whoever will show up gets the award. Oh, because they're showing up to get the award. Yeah, yeah. So. So it's pretty easy, and it's usually Channing Tatum. He shows up. And does he just live right by the theater?

I think so, yeah. That's what it seems like because he doesn't ever seem out of breath when he's getting to the stage. Right. Where when I've been to those shows. Oh, what shows have you been to? Ooh. Yeesh. What?

Yeesh. Oof. How do I list? Ooh. Start, I guess. Yeah. How would you go out? Most recent.

Okay, so. Channing Tatum was there. Yes, most recent. You know what? Let's do this a different way. Why don't you name award shows that I haven't been to? That's actually the shorter list. Isn't it right, Hayes?

Yes. Yes, and I don't think it's. You're the guest lauren and so for you to put the focus on to sean it's very generous that's very generous of you but i think you should instead name award shows that sean hasn't been to uh the country music awards frank just wrote back and he says who is? So is he being John Madden not knowing who I am? Well, by now he's probably a different character. Is he saying, it says, who is this?

That's what it says? It says, who dis? Oh, well, then I think it might be Charles Barkley. That's what I was getting at. Okay, yeah. Okay, well, then he can't... Charles can't answer a question I have for John Madden. Right, but if you don't play along with this,

you're going to be in big trouble. Right. Lauren, do you have a question for Charles Barkley? Um, no. Okay. Did I just say Lauren doesn't have a question for you? Yes, I think that's a good example of playing along. Okay. Did I just say Lauren doesn't have a question for you? Yes, I think that's a good example of playing along. Okay.

Okay, Lauren doesn't have a question for you. We're not talking right now. Okay, Lauren doesn't have a question for you, and I think that's terrible. Do you know who that guy is? Oh, you do because you're not talking to him. Yeah. Why aren't you talking? I don't want to get into it.

Me neither. It's a pickup. I said me neither. All right, fine. Now, Lauren, do you remember who won best scared as shit performance in 2013? Oh, God. No. Okay, I'm going to give you hints.

I'm going to give you hints until you remember, okay? Because I'm sure you'll be able to remember this. It was the star of Life of Pi. Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay, so that's a big hint. So now I'm sure you'll be able to remember his name. It's a tiger. No, sure. Yeah. Okay. So that's a big hint. So now I'm sure you'll be able to remember his name. It's a tiger.

No, it wasn't the tiger. So I guess maybe I'll give you another hint. Okay. His name starts with an S. Both his first and last names start with S's. Sam Smith? Okay. So it seems like it's time for another hint.

His last name is Sharma. Okay, so first name starts with an S and his last name is Sharma. Okay. How many letters in the first name? Five letters. That's a good hint. Sunil? Oh, so close.

Samar? We'll just do a couple more hints. It goes, first name's S-U. And it's not Sunil. So now we must be very close. Sundar? No, but that sounds like it would be six letters. S-U-R.

Surreal. S-U-R. Surreal. S-U-R-A. Keep going. S-U-R-A-J. Oh, right. Of course. Suraj. Suraj, yes.

So you did, though. And what was he like? He was scared as shit, still. And what had happened to him to scare him so much? I think the movie really traumatized him. Yeah, he was very committed. Being in a movie can be scary. Because there's so many lights and people are poking at your face.

And he's Indian and they have that whole thing with cameras and stealing souls. Yeah. He's Indian and they have that whole thing with cameras and stealing souls. Well, and if you don't know that you're in a movie, like if you possibly English isn't your first language or anything like that. I'm not saying this is the case with him, but if you are in a movie, you don't speak English and people are poking at your face like they tend to do, making you wear clothes that you wouldn't normally wear, and putting you in these situations can be scary. Any other questions about the categories? Yes. I've always wondered this about best Latino actor. Is that category best person who is a Latino and is also an actor?

Or is it the best one who's like acting very Latino in a movie? Because Javier Bardem won for Skyfall that year. And that one seems like it could have gone either way because he is both a Latino actor, but he was also acting like sort of very Latino in that movie. Right. I mean, it depends on the year. I think his year, it was more just acting Latino than being Latino. Being very cultural.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Why isn't there a best black actor category? Great question. I've been asking MTV this for years. I want to know about Chinese guys. Yes, or best Chinese actor.

Right. Seems like that Ken Jeong is very funny. Has anybody used him for a comedy, you know? That's a great, you know, I've brought this up to MTV. They refuse to answer. Who are you talking to when you're having this conversation? Who's the brass over there? The president.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, when I was a kid, they told me anybody could become president. Now I believe it. You know what I mean? Speak on that. Well, just when I was very young, a child, people would say, I think as an inspirational thing,

anybody could be president. I think to a point, I could. Well, seeing what I've seen these past few years, now I believe it. And Lauren, you speak on that now. Well,

I've never voted, but because of that i do feel like anyone could be president because yeah because you've never voted yeah like you know i don't know how it works so i just assume anyone can be president what about and as just a counterpoint, what about Engineer Sam? I think he'd make a nice president. Well, he has tattoos all over his arms. Right.

And it seems like that would alienate a lot of people. And also, he's completely unqualified, even for his own job that he has now. Let alone

a job with much more responsibility. Do you want to be president? Am I allowed? Ask me. Does he want to be president? Sam! Yeah?

Do you want to be president? Never really thought about it. You've never even thought about whether you would like to be president? No. What do you think about? What's Frank saying? about whether you would like to be president? No.

What do you think about? What's Frank saying? Well, what Charles is saying now, and I'm having trouble figuring out what this means, bam. So you just really have to stay ahead of this because it sounds like he's become a different character. I'm not sure who he is. It sounds like somebody's punching somebody.

Well, okay. Well, that's pretty scary. I mean, Emeril. It's obviously Emeril. Hang on. He's texting me again. It could be Emeril. Is he talking about making food?

He's talking about he's saying that he's going to kick it up a notch. That's Emeril for you. Well, the punching and kicking is, I don't think, I don't consider that to be much of an Emeril thing. But if you were talking about making food, that sounds like that would be, because Emeril is a chef. Right. You wrote on his show? Yes, I did write on his show. Right. You wrote on his show?

Yes, I did write on his show. And it was my job to become an expert on various foods. Right. In order to have Emeril be like a convincing chef. He has to know what you can eat and which things in the kitchen you're not supposed to eat. Wow. That was my... That's a lot of work. It is a lot of research. Because you actually have to know about pretty much everything to see whether or not it can be food.

Never thought about it that way. Well, why would you have to? No. Yeah. Your job is Twitter. Exactly. So we trapped you. We trapped you.

You said your job was at Twitter, and we knew that if we just got you feeling relaxed enough that you would admit it. You got me. And I know you people on Twitter are getting paid to say some of what you say because sometimes it's bad stuff about me and Hayes, and there's no way that you really feel that way. It's our enemy's pain. Oh, yeah.

Big money to people with 17,000 followers. Sure. 10,000 followers. 61 followers and following 482 people in the case of a lot of the people that tweeted us. And I know that there must be a lot of money being paid for you to say some of the bad things you say about us. You know, part of the deal is I get paid more to not reveal that to you,

so I can't say anything else. You got to eat. Right? Yeah. You got to eat. So you get an initial payment to say the bad things about us and then an additional payment on top of that that is more to not yeah it's like an nda i just get paid to sign an nda but more than the original

job for people who sure for people who don't know what an nd is, Hayes is going to tell you, and I hope that I have trapped him now as well. An NDA, the first word is not really something that we should probably say on this podcast. It's a rap group. It's a personal preference. It's not really something I feel like we need to spell out. But it's something doing attitude. Lauren! What in MTV

what does the M stand for? Because I'll tell you what it doesn't stand for anymore. Oh, here we go. I'll tell you what it doesn't stand for. Alright. I will. Do it. Do you want me to? I mean, for anymore. Oh, here we go. I'll tell you what it doesn't stand for. All right. I will. Do it. Do you want me to? I mean, everyone knows where we're going.

Well, I don't think it probably stands for music anymore, because if it did, I think there would be music on there, and I'd never see that anymore. And all I see- There is music playing in the background of Teen Mom. Hmm. So. Lullabies? No.

Yeah, sometimes. So baby can sleep. What's Frank saying now? Well, this is where we're really getting into some big trouble between me and Frank. Because. So I owe you an apology, Hayes. I agree. Because I called him Emeril,

thinking that Lauren knew what she was talking about. Oh, no. And I was the one saying that it was talking about punching and kicking so much. Yes, and he was. And he didn't mention food even one time. And he was, in fact, talking about punching and kicking, and he was being Steven Seagal. So that's why he said, bam,

and that was the sound of him punching an enemy, and he said, let's kick it up a notch, which is. Those are both of Emeril's catchphrases. You should know that more than anyone. Yes, but he would say, bam, on the food, and he would say, let's kick up the food a notch. Because he is a chef, Lauren. He's a chef. He makes food.

I know what a chef is. Well, it doesn't seem like you do because it seems like you think it's someone that is doing punching. Admit that that's what you think. Fine. Why don't MTV play music videos anymore so you can talk about movies music television it's more like at this point it's not like that at all

because they don't have really music they have videos sure but have really music. They have videos. Sure. But I worked on the movie awards. I don't really represent MTV.

So, you know, it's not my decision. I'm totally with you guys. Who doesn't? It's the MTV Movie Awards and you're choosing who gets the awards. And so if you don't represent MTV by choosing who gets the best movie, then who does? The fans. You said you talked to the president.

I mean, that's about the categories. But in terms of who gets the award, the fans vote online. It's pretty cool. Oh, the fans pick who gets the award the fans vote online it's pretty cool oh the fans pick who gets the moon man i don't oh yeah first of all oh yeah you would let the fans choose who wins summer's biggest teen badass oh yeah some freaking stooge see how my engineer sam he's got a computer oh why does engineer sam decide who's summer's biggest teen badass? Yes. Sam knows all about computers.

What's had him choose who's summer's biggest teen badass is. That's a real smart. Please. The frigging. He can't even decide the best scared his shit performance. And that's my flesh and blood. I mean, Sam's my little cousin. But who do you think should choose it?

Well, I thought that you were qualified back when I thought that you were going to be honest with us about this process. But, you know, I guess I'm learning a lot of lessons about not trusting you. Because it wasn't Emeril, it was Steven Seagal, and now I'm afraid I'm going to get punched and kicked. You told us you didn't get paid for Twitter, but you do get paid for Twitter, and you get paid not to say it. And you get paid by a pretty offensive rap group.

You're right. There are a lot of lies going on in my life. Well, what's real? Are you really even named Lauren or anything like that? I am. That is my birth name. What about your last name? You said you were Jewish. I'm super Jewish.

But did you change your name to become Jewish? No. I was given this name. My dad's last name was Greenberg. Your dad's Greenberg and your dad's Ben Stiller and Greenberg? I mean, what do you want me to say? Remember?

Yeah, now I know. Greenberg? The movie. That's your dad? That's my dad. I mean, my dad was the inspiration. He wouldn't get out of that house. No.

He did coke at a party. Yeah, he had some anger issues. He tried to kiss the woman's yeah try and kiss her yes what else is there's something about a dog yeah that dog got sick oh yeah what else happened in that who's that dog based on my dog sorry I'm sorry that happened. It happens. I would like a category for best dog, speaking of dogs. Yes, why don't you do that? Yes, why is there best Latino actor and no best dog? They won't listen to me. I don't have enough rank at MTV to make that happen.

And why is there Black History Month and no Dog History Month? That's a great point. Isn't that a good point? I might start that. Start what? Dog History Month? Which one do you think it should be? September.

I agree. I will say this. Very good month for dogs. I will say this. They bound through the leaves. Oh, yeah. That's funny. I will say this. Very good month for dogs. I will say this. They bound through the leaves. Oh, yeah. That's funny. I will say this. There is a Chinatown, and I was going to go, how come there's Chinatown and no Dogtown?

But then I remembered the Z-Boys. There is a Dogtown. That's where the Z-Boys are. Yeah, that's where the Z-Boys are. Yes. So good work on that, at least. There's something. If your dad is Ben Stiller from Greenberg, how come your last name's not Stiller?

He's the real Greenberg. But that was. How come Ben Stiller's name isn't Greenberg? But the real Greenberg is. That was a movie. Based on my dad. Yeah, but. Ben is just acting like my dad.

But if he's acting like your dad and his name is Stiller, then why isn't your dad's name Stiller? If he's acting like your dad so much. Because if he was acting like himself, it would be Stiller. But he's acting like my dad, so it's Greenberg. But are you saying he's a bad actor because he is being Stiller and your dad is Greenberg? He's a good actor in the's Greenberg. But are you saying he's a bad actor because he is being stiller and your dad is Greenberg? He's a good actor in the movie Greenberg. So why didn't you give him an award for that

movie? Had I been working on the movie awards in... What did Frank say? Well, I don't know if I'm going to be able to solve this today. Well, Lauren, thank you so much for joining us on the show. Thank you for having me.

And listen to us on iTunes and listen to us on the Earwolf website. And when you're on iTunes and listening, feel free to post a review, something positive, something like, these guys are the funniest guys. That's just off the top of my head, but something like that would be nice. Or this is the best podcast. You've got to listen and subscribe. Those are the ones, when we do them, the sample ones that we've done that are already on iTunes are good examples.

If you look at the five-star ratings that we've already put up there, we've put up 150, 175 or something like that. And they say some variation on, love the podcast, so good, and five stars. These guys are funny. Five stars, yes. Write five stars in the review as well as

physically rating it five stars also just word of mouth is great for us if you want to bring up the show to everyone you know and please buy the pro version of our podcast you get all the clothes that all of us were wearing in today's record every article of clothing any person in the room is wearing you get in the pro version if you buy it

this coming week. Engineer Sam's brewer's hat. That's going to be a big item that's up for auction. His undie pants. Hayes' cool

sort of burning man watch. I mean, what's going on with that watch band, homie? I don't know what time it is. And the pro version last week went to AJZ This Is

Dumb. And what is AJZ This Is Dumb's prize this week? Oh, um, Lauren's gonna tell another lie. Seems like that's what she's best at. So in honor of I had a lot of fun today

Oh Bye Bye This has been an Earwolf Media Production Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman For more information visit Earwolf.com Earwolf.com. Earwolfradio.com Earwolfradio.com

Earwolfradio.com Earwolfradio.com The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.