Hollywood Handbook - Lauren Lapkus, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 20, 2014

Sean and Hayes start the show with a discussion on about the book Freakingnomics and how the concepts translate to the world of moviemaking. Then, LAUREN LAPKUS is in the studio to talk about scary dinosaurs, Jurassic spoilers, Ernest, and the difference between books and movie adaptations. Finally, Intern Andy is back to ask some inappropriate Popcorn Gallery questions.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. the beach and she's like hey stop stop it and i didn't realize i was shredding the ocean so hard i was killing the ocean i shredded i sure killing sea life like no no i was shredding up the ocean which is like i guess that's where it comes from but like some guy did that actually in the beginning and we're all like trying to be like the guy who like shredded up the ocean. But now it's like now there's a drought. Hmm. I wonder if I've ever done that. You don't know if you have or not?

No. I mean, I know I've shredded. I mean, I know I've shredded pretty raw. Yeah. But I just don't know. I didn't even know you could kill the ocean. I mean, I definitely have killed a shark with a big surf move, but not intentionally. I mean, PETA, it was an accident.

Based on the way I was telling, I mean, you wouldn't, I guess, know if you were doing it or not because somebody had to run up the beach and tell me that I was killing the ocean. So it's true. Yes, you might not know if you did it or not. But you did know that you killed a shark. Well, I mean, not at the time that I was doing it, but immediately afterwards when there's all just shark pieces all over the beach. How do you think that happened? Didn't you also have to cut up a shark when you fell off the the wave runner

when you were riding with Kieran Culkin and you I think you hugged him too hard or no he he was driving too fast to get you to hug him look if this is going to be some kind of witch hunt where I hate sharks or I'm going to try to eliminate all the sharks well it's just this good luck

because I've actually done a lot of good shark work no I'm not saying... Yes, I know you have. I was a consultant on Sharknado, and I made sure that they were very kind to all of those creatures. It's just the second shark you've killed in, I think, our conversation leading up to this. I do a lot of ocean sports.

I imagine if you talk to Laird Hamilton or someone who does these kind of things, and Kelly Slater, I mean, i almost call him killy slater because you could have killed so many sharks um but yes it's a it's unfortunate it's unfortunate side effect but i'm king of the jungle i mean i am uh you know i'm top of the uh food pyramid above all the other food groups you're at the top of the food pyramid yes there's grains you know and there's a lot of those. And then there's milk and dairy and stuff.

Does that mean they're supposed to eat not as much of you? Only if you've eaten everything else. Yeah. You better eat everything else first and a little bit of sweets right at the tip you're allowed to have. That means they're supposed to eat a tiny bit of you every day. No, only if you've eaten everything else. If they've eaten everything else, each other part of the food pyramid,

they can eat a tiny bit of you. Humanity is at the top of the food pyramid. You've heard this before. We're at the top of the food pyramid, you know, the exalted station. And it's just, yeah, as we finish everything else, which people rarely do, especially in McDonald's and everything. So, yeah, no, finish everything else, which people rarely do, especially McDonald's and everything. So, yeah, no, I mean, conceivably, yes, we would eat a little bit of human every day. People do waste a lot of food at McDonald's.

Hey! Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Button, Dropping Names of the Red Carpet Linebacked Hallways of this Industry We Call Showbiz. We want to talk about something we read we're going to be talking about books a lot today but there's a specific books and smart stuff yes and there's a um this show gets brainy sometimes and it's not intentional that we're trying to alienate anyone but it is just this is the sort of things we're actually thinking about. Yes, and we love to go to the library and talk to some of the people there about ideas and the books that they're reading and stuff. It's where all the smart people go.

And there's a book that we checked out this week that has some really interesting ideas in it. And it's pretty new, but it combines two ideas. It's one of, we've talked about this before. It's one of these smash-ups. And it's smashing together these two elements that is a big part of culture. Freakiness and the economy. Yes.

And together, that makes Freakingnomics. And what this idea is, you know about traditional economics, which is numbers showing money and it's what banks use. But this is a little different because it's taking the bank numbers and making them more just apply to human life yes the kind of stuff that obama and company doesn't have time for where they're just doing numbers of just basically how much we owe to china yes and but this is like how much is, you know, how much is the numbers of, you know, it's like if they're, I mean, it's not how much we owe to China, right? It's a different example. if I was forced to come up with one off the top of my head of the kind of like

freeconomy stuff that they're doing it would be like how much names is there in a phone book I think that is something they did and so it is that is a good example of taking numbers and applying them to humans that's almost a literal example of taking numbers and applying them to humans.

That's almost a literal example of that. And you can actually do it with movies as well. And we don't mean Moneyball. No. You can take the rules of Freakingnomics, which are just do strange tricks with numbers, and you can actually do that in the movie industry, and you can actually learn a lot of things that way. So Hayes and I sat down with Paul Krugman and a couple of our other economist friends, and we—

We had to sit down. I will say we sat down with some of our economist friends, but we also had to sit down with a few freaks to be able to do this. Jesse Camp was there. He's extremely freaky. DJ Qualls. Zippy the Pinhead. Zippy the Pinhead was there.

Yes. And we just came up with some interesting statistics. Just kind of fun side of the business that we're looking at and just some cool statistics and you can use this when you're writing your movies to more effectively approach the marketplace did you did you want to talk about one of the formulas we came up with yes so did you know that in the past 50 years, and that's the big of the sample, movies with chopping wood is usually louder than movies about judges. Yes, and wasn't that interesting?

Because you don't think of just the chopping wood part of a movie as adding that much to the overall volume of a movie, but it's actually extremely loud. It adds a significant volume. Mm-hmm. And they say, you know, chop wood, carry water, chop wood, carry water. And we say that all the time. And what you don't realize is you could really lose your hearing if you take it literally.

And I think one reason that this is the case is judges often in movies are saying be quiet. And you're certainly not allowed to chop wood in there. And because of that, the sound in there is usually very quiet. It's usually sometimes just a fan. It's a fan and one guy talking. Well, and this is why, if you look at the box office today, there's that movie The Judge. And Robert Duvall, I think, chose to do that

over maybe some of the Lumberjack movies he's been offered because he's an older gentleman and he can't be around that much noise now you might think that a judge movie would be louder than a movie with chopping wood because the judge is holding something in his hand

that makes a very loud noise. Yeah, it's a smasher. I mean, it's a smasher hammer, and he's literally got a noisy plate to bang it on. And so why then would you think a movie with a judge where he's using a smasher hammer to bang a noisy plate, why would that movie be quieter than a movie with chopping wood? And like they say on Freakingomics, don't blame us. We're just the number guys. It's the numbers fault.

Yes. And now, Hayes, you had some numbers that you ran and some interesting statistics you came up with. Do you want to talk about one of the freaking nomic statistics that stuck out to you? I'd love to talk about that. So we looked at all movies of every movie, and we concluded something interesting. And that's how big of a sample. Yes. How big of a sample was all movies with every movie.

movie and if you look at movies and you take movies with a car okay and you you take all those movies i love this one those movies did better at the box office on average than because of win dixie and going deeper into that because of win dinn-Dixie is a movie with the dog, there's a little dog that they found at the grocery store. A yellow dog. And it's a pretty, it was reasonably successful for its budget. It did okay. And so if you want to make a movie that did better than because of Winn-Dixie, all you have to do is put a car in it, and that's anywhere.

This one shocked me. Because I have known cars to be less popular with children than dogs. Yes. And I've seen it with my own eyes where I have, you know, I have a couple very young girls now, very young. Steffi just gave birth to quadtuplet. I mean, what's the four one? Quadruples?

Is it just – does it just become four? Fourlets? Yeah. Anyway, we've got four-lets. And so I gave each one of them a gift. And one of them I gave a car, and one of them I gave a dog. The other two I don't remember what I gave them. But damned if the one with the car didn't reach for

that dog and so wouldn't you think that based on human nature yes i think what it might have something to do with a movie like because of win dixie sure they like kids are going to go because they like the dog. Because of? Because of Winn-Dixie. Yes. Yes. But the dogs are not allowed to go in. Yeah.

And so you make a movie that is at least partly for dogs, sort of for kids and dogs. The dogs don't have any money. Yeah. And they're not allowed to go inside because they make a mess you can't trust them they'll make a big mess you can't trust them and they'll destroy the there's gonna be popcorn all over the place they get behind the concession stand and they would run through the ticket man's legs if you just let them in the door it would be too late because they would run through the ticket man's legs. And that has an effect on BO. Well, and you do think, well, that title is so strong because of Winn-Dixie.

Wouldn't people want to see it just to hear what the first part of that sentence or second part of that sentence is? or second part of that sentence is. But another interesting statistic we found is that they didn't really care. Yes, that was a good segue to our third interesting statistic. Yes, people didn't want to know what the beginning or the end of that sentence was. And I think it was because they didn't put a dot, dot, dot on either end. Wouldn't that have been interesting if they did that?

What do you think it was? Well. I've seen the movie, and I'll tell you what it was after you. Oh, I thought you were saying what was it that made them not want to know. No. I was going to say, as we saw with But I'm a Cheerleader. Right. Another partial sentence film.

Which I think did have the dots and which people did go see. Which did have the dots and people in droves went to see this movie. And so I just think that dots, it's a shape we all know. It means something or other. And that is so inviting. Yeah. And so we can use these kinds of numbers to learn more about movies and whether we're trying to learn how much money or whether to put a certain character, maybe it's an ogre with a club in,

and the answer is no, thank you. We really are able to make a science out of movies. Now, you were going to tell me what happened because of Winn-Dixie. Well, I was going to have you guess just what the continuation of the sentence is. Oh, because of Winn-Dixie, we're all having fun and laughing. That's very, yes, that's very close. That's what I thought it was. It actually is on both ends. That's the middle of a sentence.

And it's, I don't have my homework. It was ruined because of Winn-Dixie eating it. And that happens when you see the movie. That's a really big part of the movie. Is the dog eating the homework. That's sort of the beginning part where it's not as fun as some of the later stuff. Boy, wow. I mean, I hate for this segment to be over this fast.

Do we have any other statistics that hinge entirely on the audience's familiarity with Because of Winn-Dixie? I don't want to use too many examples of other films just because I don't want to cast such a wide net. But I wonder if we

could really zero in on Because of Winn-Dixie can come up with a couple more statistics just about that. Do we have any? Do we have time for that code? Sure. Engineer Codeman? I guess, yeah. Well, Engineer Codeman's telling me we don't have time.

So let's move on up to the guest. Hey, Zoo, we got. we have a great guest today lauren lapkus is here star of jurassic world the movie and it's coming right up she's going to talk about that and she's going to answer some questions from the popcorn gallery on hollywood handbook Popcorn Gallery on Hollywood Handbook. So, we're running and laughing and running and laughing, and our bagged lunches are soaked through, and the apples and sandwiches are falling everywhere, and that hamburger sandwich is soaked and falls on the ground, and we just run to bang on the nearest door for shelter because it's a thunderstorm, and Who do you think answers the door? I don't know. Well, it was Elvira.

This story started very happy, but it has taken a turn. Well, in the story, I started very happy because it was fun running through the rain, but I don't want to get soaked to my bones and catch a cold. So, of course, we was fun running through the rain, but I don't want to get soaked to my bones and catch a cold. So, of course, we go to knock on a door. And then some of my friends, George Lopez and some of my other friends, Jeff Foxworthy, and some of my friends that were with me all want to go inside.

And I say, I'm not going in that spooky house. So I stayed out on the porch. Okay. It took another, it took a turn back into a safe direction. Well, and the porch scared me too and I had to hoof it home. And so ultimately,

I wind up hoofing it home and I don't know what happened to them, but I noticed that there's no more George Lopez showing as he trapped in her basement or something.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Hi, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's the guy kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet

lying back hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Boy, oh boy, we got a real fucking corker of a guest tonight. We're so happy. And we do. True corker. And it's Lauren Lapkus.

Hi. And you know her. Out of the gate. Hi. Just smashing. Yes. And she's a real pro. And you know her from Are You There, Chelsea?

Are You There, Chelsea from Orange is the New Black is the New Hotness. And from the upcoming Jurassic World. From Jurassic World. Now. Do you want to give us some spoilers? I'm told you are. Yeah, I'm told that you are actually cleared to tell us what happens in the movie. Yeah, I am.

I just decided I was. Yeah. So, like, it's really funny because the story you were telling is, like, really similar to one of the plot points. And I'm wondering if maybe you were hanging out with the writers when you were running around that night. But we all have a lot of hamburger sandwiches that get wet. George Lopez wrote it? Yeah. Well, if that's true, then yeah, he was there.

Yeah. So, you know, and he steals material, I've heard, so. Oh, yeah? But the hamburger sandwiches get wet and you don't eat them, do you? The dinosaurs eat them. Spoiler alert. They don't know anything. They'll eat absolutely anything.

They'll eat a wet human. Well, and that brings me to my first and probably most important question about it. Is dinosaurs as scary as real monsters? They is only because they was real. Yes. Oh, yes. And so monsters, for me, not real. Dinosaurs, real, could come back.

But some of those other monsters you say, no, maybe they are not real, but you could make them. Yeah, someone could. Yeah. We don't want to say the name of the one person who did, but that person, were he to ever get out of jail, he could make another creation. O.J. Simpson. Yes. Well, we. Simpson. Yes. Well, we don't. Sorry, we weren't going to say.

Because that glove was too small for him, and he had pretty big hands. So what monster. He had big hands, but that glove was too small. The glove was small, but it fit a monster hand. Exactly. I'm not saying anything. It doesn't just not fit because it's too small, but it's almost claw-like and has an extra finger. It's bloody and crusted in the shape of a claw.

And I always wondered why they weren't just looking for that type of claw hand with an extra finger because that seemed more strange about the glove. If you had a lineup of guys and one of them had a claw hand, you got your guy. I think so, yes. And so in whatever he built and wherever it's being held, Kato. Now, do you think he's guilty? Ooh, of which? Regardless of the glove?

Of which? Of the memorabilia? I think that's his. He's guilty of playing God. Yeah, deciding when people should die. Yeah, and how big of a monster he is. Yeah, and I do think he's innocent in terms of that memorabilia stuff because if you bring home the hardware, that's yours for life, baby.

Yeah, he was making shirts and stuff like that. Yeah, that's bringing home the hardware. Yeah, he had brought home the hardware. He had, yeah. Now, are you going to bring home the hardware for this new movie? I hope so. Yeah, I hope so, too. That's what we'll just have to wait and see.

Long overdue. Can I ask you a question about the first movie? Yeah, I know everything about all of them. The girl. Yeah. The little girl about all of them. The girl. Yeah. The little girl. Mm-hmm. Were she and the other kids supposed to be like, are they supposed to be fucking?

They were supposed to have what you would later learn was a romance when they're grownups. But they have a glimmer of it between brother and sister as children. See, because you watch it and it is so weird. Yeah. The energy is so strange. The electricity between them in the back of that. When they're hiding in the kitchen, I thought they were going to have sex

and then I was really surprised. And I thought that when I first saw it. Well, to put them in an environment like that with the mixing bowls around and all this sort of suggestive. So sexy. Yes. So, yes, to me it's very clear that that was the filmmaker's intention,

and I just wonder is he bringing that to it or is that actually part of the original story? We're going to cover it in the new movie. Spoiler. But those siblings will be there having sex in the new film. Are you the grown-up version of one of the siblings? I'm her subconscious. I'm not supposed to say that.

Are you the one that says, like, I want to do this? Go for it. Go for it. Okay. And who's playing the other, the sort of little angel who's being like, no, that's naughty. They're going to CGI that in later, and it's going to be a cartoon. Oh, yeah, but who's doing that voice?

Oh, I think it's Billy Eichner. Okay, that could be funny. Are there dinosaurs in this movie? I haven't seen them, so I don't know if they're adding them or if they'll be there or if I missed it, if I wasn't paying attention. They might bail on that. If it's me, bail on that. Because what's really interesting in the other movies is the people.

Well, that's what I'm saying because the relationships are what's interesting. And the dinosaurs, sure, they're scary. They're a plot point. But to me, it's a waste. But you can't have a relationship with a dinosaur. Like, what if the notebook had a dinosaur in it? It'd be a bad movie. Like, why don't they know that? Well, number one, it's distracting. Number two,

you can't have a relationship with it, as I said, because the scales are too hard. And not to get graphic, but you can't actually penetrate that. Well, you can penetrate its whole. Not with a fleshy... Sean reads a lot of science books.

I'm actually very into science. This is a point of specific expertise for you. Yes, interspecies lovemaking has always been a fascination. But no species that lived simultaneously on Earth. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a pervert. I'm more a— So what are you interested in, like griffins and cats, or what's good for you? Right out of the gate, you've hit the nail on the head. Yes, griffins and cats is probably the number one thing for me. Because griffins have some cat blood in them. Yeah, they do. That one's fairly simple.

Mm-hmm. That one works. A chimera and a pegasus. A dodo bird and a small human baby. Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah, it's often people and then something that's extinct. Sometimes you'll go, you'll tell it, and you'll say, like, an extinct animal,

and then you'll say, like, a person, I don't know, save me. Well, just as a baseline. It's an easy example. Well, like, all of your drawings, I've noticed, are you with the animal. Like, when you're just showing a chart of how... You know, it may be just because it's easy to draw me.

I just feel like I have very drawable features. Which, to the forums, can we get some more drawings of me? Yes, we have a few. But it would be always great to have a lot more. It's so easy to do. I'm doing it a couple times a day and throwing in, you know, plants.

Can someone draw me riding a griffin? Okay, let's get Lauren Lapkus riding a griffin. And then maybe I'm hoisting them up on my shoulders like they won the big game. It's the funniest thing, though. That's easy. We've talked about this a little bit. Yes. But is there anything funnier than, like, the ads now when it's, like, somebody riding a dragon or, like, a unicorn?

I love that. So, R-A-N-D-O, rando. I love rando shit. Yes. Yes. And, like, something pooping rainbows out of its butt like like when the this is like a throwback but like when the old spice guy yes had a horse body i was like i don't feel like it's real like why would that even it's like what does that do in

deodorant i'm like dude i want to laugh but i don't want to know why I'm laughing. Right? I mean, that's honestly how I feel. Yeah. Yes. So this movie, wasn't it a book? Yeah, it was. Yeah.

Well, there was Jurassic Park, the book. There was Lost World, the book. There was Lost World, the book. There was the third one, the book. Yeah. And then there was this one, which was the book. That was the title? This one was called this one, the book. And so that one, and when I read this one, the book, I loved it.

So when I had the opportunity to be in the film, I thought, I'll be in it. And then now I'm a little worried because people love the book. Yes. And they're like, are they going to love the film? Because the book is – it's the book. You know what I'm saying? And what a danger in our industry because a lot of times books has good stories that can be movies. But don't you sometimes feel like the book was better? I'm going to go ahead and go on a limb here and say that almost every time a book was before a movie, the book was better.

Well, because it's the same. You've already seen the book, and now it's the same same idea again and it's like I already read that. I already watched that book. And you don't have as much time in the movie to draw out the characters. In a book, you could read it every night for two months. With a movie, you're going to watch it in two hours.

And that's just me, but probably watch it at once. It's living with these characters. And in the book, you can imagine it be anyone you want. And in the movie, it's Josh Duhamel. It always is. Let's do a segment that we like to do with our guests pretty frequently called,

eh, the book was better. And it's where we just talk about a movie that was book first. And it is kind of like we talk about how much we liked the book, because we all read a lot. Yeah. Are we doing it now? Yeah, so I'll give one of you guys a movie that was a book. We could all talk about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's start with the most obvious one, I guess, Mars Needs Moms. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's start with the most obvious one, I guess. Mars Needs Moms. Yeah. And when I read that, I was enthralled. And so when I saw the movies coming out, I was like, I'm going to that film.

What I didn't like was I felt like in the movie, they didn't touch on the fact that Mars Needs Dads. And in the book, they got into that a lot more. Well, yeah. needs dads. And in the book, they got into that a lot more. And the book being about Mars Blackman, Mars Blackman is not in the

movie at all. Well, that's one of the things with the book. You don't have to work around somebody's shooting schedule and get their availability. You can just write them on the page and that's just there. And so, in the book where Mars Blackman is like like he wants to date them. Yeah.

Yeah. But in this book it's about a whole planet. And it's a more specific type of mom that Mars Blackman is trying to date. And it is a MILF. And he's hunting for them in like a van. Can you speak on Mars Blackman? Yeah. I'll just speak on that.

What does he mean to you? For me, he was like someone who really saved me during a lot of dark times. Oh, okay. And I would always look to him and his work. What was it about his work that really saved you? No, we're talking about the basketball player. Hmm.

It has sense. Okay. So when I would watch him dunk, I'd feel great. He is affiliated with basketball. That is correct. Well, you must mean the shoes that he sold other people were dunking in. Yeah. And that's what I mean.

Sean, what about you? Mars Blackman? Yeah. Want me to speak on it? Yeah. Oh, well, he was, yes. I mean, as Lauren so eloquently pointed out, he was selling shoes. Yeah.

Yeah, I did point that out. And I almost think, and he was a wrestler. Okay, so you do know who Mars Blackman was. I thought for a second that you guys didn't know who Mars Blackman was. What do you mean? But now it does seem like you do. Hey, could you speak on it just because I feel like we're so far sort of inside

baseball in the terms that Lauren and I use that maybe you could explain it to the listener. Yeah, you guys obviously already know that Mars Blackman was a character played by Spike Lee in a very famous series of Nike commercials. Right. Yeah. And that's what I was talking about.

And that saved you many times. Yeah, because I just had a lot of depression. And so when I would see those commercials and I would record them on a VHS and watch them over again, I would just realize that anything was possible and that I should follow my dreams. Yeah, and truly, and to agree with Mars, it must be those shoes. And it's right. Well, I feel like he said, you got to have them all. Yes.

Got to catch them all. Yeah. And so I remember this, and I think that maybe the reason I brought up wrestling, you know, is that the NBA is a little like the WWF more and more. It's all fake. Yes. And it's all fake. Yes. And it's all pageantry. And total divas.

Your eyes are turning red. Well, I'm furious and I've been drinking too much beet juice. And my doctor says, lay off the beet juice. Can I ask you guys about another book? Yeah, please. Okay.

A book that I loved growing up was Ernest Goes to Jail. Yeah. Now, when they made it a movie, I didn't like it as much. I didn't think it was going to work. Yeah. And getting into the theater,

I remember being excited, but also feeling a little sick. Because what if they ruined this character I love and this story where he's going to jail? And in the movie, he's like, he's like to jail. And in the movie, he's like dumb. Right, in the book, he's a savant. He's like a dumb guy in the movie, but I don't know. I guess they didn't want to make him like an autistic savant like he is.

Well, in the movie, he's going to jail to solve math problems. Right. They have to lock him up because they're going to take too long and they're like, we'll feed you, we'll just, you stay here and do this. Yeah. But in the movie he's not really doing that. He's kind of cracking wise and I don't think he's even in on the joke.

Yeah. Which was weird. It was to me. And he's, um, Vern is part of the movie and the book, but I thought Vern in the book just jumped off the page. Yeah. And in the movie, he kind of just gets referenced. Right. And in the book, they're all Native American.

In the film, mostly white. And I feel like that was unfair. Welcome to Hollywood. And maybe that's your point. Yeah, and maybe that's my point. He's scared a lot in the movie, too, which is kind of weird. Are you thinking of Scared Stupid? No, he's also scared of the jail one.

In the jail one, too? Is he never scared of the jail one? Am I misremembering that? Is he very brave the whole time? Well, otherwise Ernest Scared Stupid wouldn't really be

a very good title because you would have seen it already when he was in jail. Because he's brave in all the other movies and he's only scared in that one?

When he's saving Christmas I think he's pretty brave. When he's going to camp he's pretty brave. He is pretty brave. When he goes to school he's pretty brave although he doesn's pretty brave. He is pretty brave. When he goes to school, he's pretty brave, although he doesn't really know how to use a pencil. And when he does get scared, it's a nice lair.

That one was more successful to me as an adaptation. Now, do you think a film like that could be made today and be accepted? Wow. Because of? The character. Yeah. Yeah. Food for thought.

What about the character? Just his lack of knowledge. Yeah. And could people see that? Do they, you know, relate? And can they, you know, know what's going on? Do they know? Do they like it?

Do they love it? Do they want it? Do they got to have it? Yeah. And is that what it is? And that's what sells now. And that's my fear. Having knowledge.

Yeah. People love a smart guy. They love seeing knowledge. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's why you see Taj everywhere and all these movies that come out. Did you guys read the whole Nine Yards? Yeah.

What did you think about that, the difference between that movie and the book? Okay, well, I don't want to get in a fight. I think the movie did it better. No. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Why do you say that?

Oh, God. The book, you could only really picture certain things that happened on the screen in the movie. Yeah. That were very satisfying to see. And in the book they do describe it. They say they call her Amanda Peet in the book.

And they describe it very vividly. The scene I think you're talking about. Now for me, could you tell me what that scene is? Well Now, for me, could you tell me what that scene is? Well, it's a very necessary scene from a storytelling perspective because there's a young woman who needs to create a distraction of sorts.

And it's a pretty ingenious tactic she's come up with in order to capture the attention of one of the male characters for a period of time. I have the book right here. Do you want to read the passage from the book where they describe this scene happening? Mm-hmm. I wish you had dog-eared the page or something. Dude, I have to flip through every page. You've licked your finger so many times to get through. Aha. Here's the page.

Well worn. Oh, you read that page a lot? I've read that page many times. My eyes have worn out the page from looking at it so much. Hold it right there, Oz, said Jimmy the Rose. He stopped at the end of the long hallway and turned. He had his man. Pistol drawn, cocked, and ready to shoot it.

Looked like this was the end of the line for Matthew Perry, er, um, Oz. Now, this is an interesting aspect of the book, that they do mention the characters' names, and they mention the actors, and they seem to, rather than deleting it when they've done one or the other, always kind of just press on. Yes.

Now, was that the one, the book version that came out after the film with the actors on the cover, or was that just before the film and they had the idea that they wanted those actors? The question for a greater mind than I, the question for the original Ernest, the one from the book, I think, because that takes some deduction. Anyhow, he had his man. You're toast.

You're done in this town, Jimmy the Rose said to Oz. The whole plan we had with the, you're a dentist, so dental records are like a big part of it, sort of manipulating that to, that makes it a, you can fake somebody's death if you're a dentist because you can create their dental records, and then you just burn the house down. And all the money, I'll get the money.

I'll be on the boat at the end, and we won't be friends. Was that all one sentence, or was there a quote in there? That's a quote, yeah. Okay. And then, and, you who, sweetheart. Now, this, now Jimmy LaRose turns, and what's he looking at? Uh-oh. It's Amanda Peete.

She's got her pistol drawn, cocked, and ready to shoot. And what else has she got? Clothes-wise, not a lot. I'll tell you what. She's not really wearing them, and he's looking. So that is one of the best parts of that book. That was good. Why do you think they changed from the book to the movie?

They changed his name from Jimmy the Rose to Jimmy the Tulip. I think that they couldn't get the rights to that flower. It's just such an expensive flower. Yeah, it is one of the most expensive flowers. Yes. What did that movie mean to you, Lauren? Well, for me, like, I just always feel like

everything takes so long and it's so far. And like, for me, the whole nine yards was like, that's it, baby. The whole nine yards indicates brevity to you No, it's a long way to go

Nine yards Do you guys know where that expression originally came from? No Well, a football field was initially only nine yards Because people didn't have vitamins back then So they were much smaller And it was a very long distance to run. Yes, you'd fall asleep midway across the field.

So nine yards was about the distance that people were more than 10 times smaller than they are now. And fully, in full size, they were 10 times smaller, or just- Yes. And if you've ever seen an old jacket, it almost looks like OJ's creature glove. I mean, that's the size of it. Wow. Cody, can I have this?

I wish I lived then. Can I have the sound cable, please? Lauren, you say you wished you lived back then. Because I love to be tiny. Yeah. What I wish is... Speak on that. Well, I wish that I could be small and go in little places

and you know be carried around by my friends that would open up a lot of roles too wouldn't it the life of an actress right I would for sure get cast on American Horror Story freak show if I were ten times smaller than the average human.

Can you name six or seven tiny places that you would go inside if you were that small? My kitchen cabinet. Okay, yeah. A toilet cover. Mm-hmm, yeah. I'm sorry to stop you. Inside a toilet cover? Like the top where the water is.

Oh, the tank? Is that? Yeah. Oh. A toilet cover. Yes, you know, you know. And I'd float around in there as a tub. Yeah, because that water is actually clean.

Fresh as the day is long. I'd curl up inside a headphone. Oh, okay. What made you think of that? You know what? I'll never know. And so I'll why ask. And how many have I said?

Oh, only two. I think that's three. I would go inside a mouse hole. This is what I was waiting for. Would you be friends with little animals? For sure. I'd ride them. Okay.

Is that being friends? Doesn't sound very friendly. Well, yeah, and I'd go on a shoulder. You're more than friends. I don't know why you bring this out of me and Hayes. I swear we kept this show clean for the past month. You guys are getting real dirty. Oh, it's the Popcorn Gallery.

It's the song that means it's time to have our favorite segment, the Popcorn Gallery. Now, we asked questions to one of our guests, and we do not have any questions. No, we did not get them, and it wasn't for lack of trying. No one wanted to ask me a question. You begged them. I didn't say that exactly.

I just know that we usually do have questions. Do you want to try Intern Andy? Yes, let's call Intern Andy and see if he... Because he's a fan of the show as well. He better be a fan of mine. I wouldn't be mortified. It's his job now to help out with the show and I think this qualifies as helping out.

Rob Reiner's son. Cool. Oh, okay. Cody's gonna be helpful. 925 330 1310 Be helpful. 925-330-1310. Please feel free to call. Please leave that in the show.

He could get upwards of 50 phone calls. Cute ring. That's just a songody's working on hello hey andy yeah andy it's haze and sean and this is sean from hollywood handbook don't interrupt me can you we just have a quick errand for you, okay? Yeah, absolutely. What's going on? Are you at home? Uh-huh. Yes. Okay. We have Lauren Lapkus here.

I'm sorry. Now I'm curious. Are you unsafe in your home in some way? Is there someone who doesn't want you to tell us if you're at home? No, no, no. I'm alone. Yeah, I'm here. Oh, well then that really shouldn't have taken you that

long. Go ahead. Hayes, keep going. We have Lauren Lapkus here. We didn't get any questions for the Popcorn Gallery, so we just need you to come up with some good questions for her. We need you to get into the bag and find the popcorn questions. Please, please, please, please.

Hi, well, please. Hi, should I say, oh shit, okay. You can say hi. Hi, Lauren. Hi. I enjoy your work. Thank you. Should I do the sound? He hated me. The bag? I guess we

will play it in studio. Well, we didn't do, we didn't prepare the sound drop either. Honestly, this feels really bad to me. I've got an old sound drop from a different show, and I'll just play that one, and maybe it'll fit. Okay. Oh, it's my favorite novel. Crank 2, high voltage.

Oh, well, that does kind of play into the theme of the show. That was good. Because we've been talking about book versions of movies we like. Yes. And how the book a lot of times is better. I had a sound thing I could throw in if you guys wanted on my phone here. That sounds great. It's a sound of something being pulled out of a popcorn bag or is it something else? No, it is. Oh, that sounds great. Yes, thank sound of something being pulled out of a popcorn bag or is it something else? No, it is.

Oh, that sounds great. Yes. Thank you. Let me just get it. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. See, I feel like that kind of worked. That sounds like actually a really nice girl for Mark, the guy who does our sound drops. Yes, my friend Mark.

Who does those sound drops for you? Oh, that's a girl named Liz. That's Liz? Yeah. And what's your relationship with her? I just hire her from Craigslist to do sound drops. Oh, that could be great for Mark. That sounds really good for him.

No fuss, no muss. And that might improve the drops a little bit. That might improve the drops, which, let's face it, have really fallen off a cliff You still there Andy? Yeah yeah this is great I'm getting like a live version of the show Andy you got any

Books you like That was also movies? Um Let me think What was a good one The James Bond books Those became. Some of those are cool. I don't know. I feel like we're speaking a different language there, hombre. Why don't you go ahead and lay a hot question on Lady Lapkus. Lady Lapkus.

Okay. Here's something. Do you and your significant other, do you ever do anything funny to annoy each other playfully? Do you have any inside jokes with each other or anything? Yeah. What we think is fun is we'll make each other, we'll drop something, and then we'll bend over and fart in each other's ear.

Over and over and over and over until someone poos. You'll do it to each other, back and forth. So it's not a prank. No, it's a loving inside joke you know it's gonna happen like once the first person does it and the other person

does it back even twice I would think you now know and you have agreed to be in it it's on that is pretty inside

what is that like a reference to it's a it's a reference to dumb and dumber when that guy gets diarrhea in the bathroom okay

yeah that's right. In a way, every fart is sort of a reference. We're always referencing that scene. Well, that was the original fart. Yeah. Before that, we were all just tooting. Yeah, it was when toots became

farts. Andy, when you ask a pervert question, you get a pervert answer, and I just think the way you laid it out with the whole, like, you and your significant other in your home pranking each other. It was very probing, the way you did it. Just kind of. It needed to feel invasive, and I think that's what it was.

Just kind of like massaging the question as you were asking it was very disgusting. So that's why you got the answer you did. Do you want to try one more time? Okay. Hang on. Liz got to go back into the bag. Yeah, does Liz have any more? Oh, yeah, I have another one.

Oh, great. It still has to be popcorn related? I have more of those. Yes. Okay. How did my cell phone get in this popcorn? See, that is the kind of stuff we used to have that we don't have anymore. He's never pulling anything out of the popcorn bag anymore.

It's always, well, this time he did pull out that book. But a lot of times it's not that. It's very, it's lazily referential to what just happened in the show. Yeah, it feels like he's not trying. Well, I got another old drop, and maybe this will be an example of the kind of thing you were talking about. Button. Vote Dukakis. Okay, well, that drop was maybe a little too old. That was really old.

Oh, okay. So at the time, it wasn't recent enough to be a funny old reference. I think it was lazily referential at the time and just happened to be. Election night. Yes, it was November 2nd. That sounds like Mark. Yeah. Andy, do you have another question?

Yeah. Lauren, do you like superhero movies? I don't really due to the fact that I think they're boring. Okay, all right, all right. She's having a joke on you. Go ahead and give them the real answer, Lauren. I love them to death. If I could marry a superhero, I'd pick Batman,

and I dream about that every night when I masturbate. You could be so rich. Yes, and live in that big night when I masturbate. You could be so rich. Yes. And live in that big empty haunted house. It's not haunted. A little bat lives in it. And now, Andy, why are all your questions about Lauren

significant others and like marrying somebody? It just feels like... And you're masturbating as well. You're dancing around something. Why did you make me talk about that? What is the end game here? Yeah, what's the plan?

I don't know. I'm home alone. I guess that's just maybe the mood I'm in right now. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, please. What's your favorite part of Home Alone, the movie, as you're living it now in your house? The part of the movie or?

The part of the movie that you're living right now or which part of the book that you read before. I like the part where he goes, Buzz, your girlfriend. And more girl stuff. You're horny. Yeah, it's all girlfriends and relationships. Off the charts tonight.

And I don't want to be vulgar, but I would ask that you sort of exercise these demons before you get on the phone with us and whatever that means for you. Yeah, man. Yeah, when you see the phone ring with us on it, just kind of get started. Get a head start. Because by the time we really get into the meat of this

we're going to need you to have that out of your system so to speak. Can I ask Andy another question? Yes. Lauren's going to ask you another question Andy. Now if you were pranking someone what food would you use for the prank? You know like like, maybe

some pudding or something. Like, something that's like, you know, like, dump it on the head. Now, knowing that you're in a sexual mood, and that this is something you associate with a sex act, is maybe the most horrifying thing of all. It would normally

be a very good answer, because yes, dump it on someone's head. That's hysterical. And I'm picturing it's what? Like vanilla pudding? That's so funny. But I can't now enjoy that even without thinking about you. Now it's disgusting.

Now you're dumping vanilla pudding on someone's head. Yes, as some sort of sexual act for you. I feel violated. And she asked you the question. And she asked you the question. And she asked you the question. She's a lady. And you couldn't just answer with something normal?

Banana peel? Okay. Andy, we're going to reach into the bag for one more question. Okay. Does Liz have any other stuff? Of course. I mean, this is a great platform for her. Yeah, let her shine.

A record the size of my head. That's good. I'd like to see her head because a record is normally bigger. But she said it like it was impressive that it would be that big. You know what I mean? She's like, it's the size of my head, which makes me sound like it was impressive that it would be that big you know what I mean like she's like it's the size of my head which makes me sound like it's big she didn't really say it like it was that impressive well am I the only one getting that back me up here Ann Van

I'll tell you something cause you're a detective her head is twice the size of an average human head which is ultimately twice the size of a record oh okay wow so it's a big record Average Human Head, which is ultimately twice the size of a record. Oh, okay. Wow.

So it's a big record with double the song. These are jukebox records you're talking about? No, these are laser discs. Oh, okay. Okay. Records, records, records. I like to call them records. Laser records. Yeah, that's what we call them.

And does Mark have any more? It's sort of a romantic dance these two are doing. I don't want to stop the flow of it. Oh, a micro machine the size of a car. Well, now that would just be a car. That's not a micro machine. A micro machine's a mini car. But I will say, on the video you played,

he held his fingers together like they were an inch apart. That is true. Well, I think it's a video component of the sound drop. I don't think anyone says the word micromachine without involuntarily holding their fingers apart. But if you're talking about a big car, why would they show that it's small? I literally think saying the words mic-machine creates the handshake. But in the act of pulling it out of the bag, which is what he was doing, he should have been

holding his hands very far apart and been struggling with it if it were that big. So I think he might be confused about cars. Well, can I tell you what I think happened? I think he reached clean through the bag, then held the bag up to his eye, almost like a spyglass, and he's looking out through the hole, and what he's seeing is a parking lot.

But it looks tiny. So he thinks it's a micromachine. But he knows how big it is. That's the problem. He can't have been wrong the first time. We know that. He was definitely right with the first thing he said. I mean, there's a theme to this show, which is I wish Ernest was here.

Ernest, because I think he could solve this. God, he's smart. Andy. Yeah. Do you have another question? Yeah. Lauren, do you think that TV is better than movies now? Yeah, and here's why.

For me, TV is shorter than movies. now yeah and here's why for me tv is shorter than movies and for me my schedule allows me to watch more tv than more movies in the same amount of time as it takes to watch a movie do you know i'm saying so for me i'd go ahead and say that a tv is better than a movie and andy i want to say that we really appreciate you doing whatever you needed to do in between the second and third question so that we could actually get some content that's usable in this episode. We gave you, I don't know if you noticed, we gave you a lot of time. Yeah, I appreciate that. We intentionally used some sound drops that needed a little bit of explaining.

And there was a pronounced tonal shift in your questions between the second one and the third one. The third one was very professional, Andy. Thank you. Great. Thank you. Appreciate it. I got my respect back.

Lauren got her respect back. So do you want to say thank you to our guest? Thank you so much, Lauren. It was very nice talking to you. You too, Andy. He's built it back up again. That's fast. That's a fast trigger.

That's a fast trigger. You could hear him in the pause when he said it was really nice. It was really nice. And then he's like, what was nice about it? And then he goes, talking to you. And talking has never not meant talking so much as it did in this sentence. Oh my.

You could hear him shuddering basically with the semen flowing back into his balls. And hey, he's got you wound up now. Well, that was very technical. The way I describe it is purely technical.

No, it was very scientific, yes. Okay, bye, Andy. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye, guys. Thanks. Well. Well.

Sorry. Yeah, Lauren, thank you so much. That was great. Thank you so much for coming on the show. And sorry we didn't have, we weren't prepared with more questions for you, but we did try very hard. And do you have any stuff coming up that you'd like to plug? I'm going to be on Comedy Bing Bing on IFC this season. Okay.

And now. So that's coming back now. We could... I mean, this is a good time to actually ask about the show. Yes, yes, yes. Because we've been exploring, like, the podcast. Mm-hmm. And, like, people like the games.

Yes. And... Which... We've been down that road, so we don't necessarily need to talk about it. We tried to do some of the games. Some of these games. And, like, trying to figure out what the deal is with them and the riddles and that sort of thing. You know about this stuff.

And so you have tried to play some of the games that are on Comedy Bank. Well, it's a popular show. It's a popular show. We'd love to do those numbers, but we don't want to have to get down in the gutter to do it. Right. And is this what people like? We're just trying to reverse engineer it to see what is the best thing. We'd like to understand, yes, happening people need games they relate and they can play

along and it's fun okay they can't play along to the games that we've heard mentioned talk over them you're playing along okay and that must be what all so you need to be making something where the intent is not that anyone listens but just just that it sort of kickstarts a conversation among the people. Yeah. And so on the show, are they still doing the same stuff with like... On the TV show? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They're doing the games and like... No games. Okay. They do sketches and then they talk to people on the couch. And I'm going to be a couple characters. It's the same. It's the guy.

It's that guy, Scott Aukerman. Yeah. Yeah. Ainkerman. Right. Scott Ainkerman. Yes. Skitch Ainkerman.

Right. Okay. And is he doing like a different thing or is it like the same like it's just me? Usually he'll be himself or he'll be himself in a costume. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And people like this.

And they like this. Yeah. We can't do the costume thing here. No. On the podcast, he doesn't wear a costume. Yeah. Yeah. And people like this. And they like this. Yeah. We can't do the costume thing here. No. On the podcast, he doesn't wear a costume. Yeah. Well, okay. I'm just trying to figure it out.

Yeah. It's just been a long road of- It's upsetting for you. Kind of, kind of. I wouldn't say upsetting because I don't care enough that it can actually upset me. Yeah. But I would say that it's been confusing. But it's interesting to see what people are interested in.

From a scientific perspective, how is this happening? So what you need, and I'll tell you now, is to just do your whole show like their show. And that is an interesting idea, but it's like... Just steal that and do that.

You have to choke a little back to do that. I'd say just copy it. I don't have to choke a little back to do that. You know what I mean? I'd say just copy it. I don't know how he does it, to be honest. He, I will say he hates the whole experience from top to bottom with the TV show and the podcast. He's very, very upset the whole time. Oh, I don't doubt it. Yeah, and he's just texting and he's not a part of it really.

Seems like a bright guy, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, good luck with that. I mean, good for you. I already did it. I got paid, so. Okay.

Nice. And, you know, that's the end game. Crass. Nope. Well, again, thanks for. It's all about making a buck. So thanks for coming on the show. And will I be getting a paycheck for this? And everybody rate us on iTunes. Hold on, make it up. So thanks for coming on the show.

And will I be getting a paycheck for this? And everybody rate us on iTunes. And please do like us on Facebook. I signed a contract here, but I didn't see the information for my fee. And the mission remains, by May 2015, we want to be the second least popular podcast on Earwolf. It's $2,000 every time I go on. So please do convince your friends or trick them or do anything you have to do, whether it's, I don't care if it's real or not,

that we look more popular. I just want it to happen. And I would say, as of right now, we are not on pace to meet that. You said May 2015? Yes. Yes, and so we're going to need quite a significant uptick to become the least popular

secondary popular podcast on Earwolf by that point. Honestly, none of us are going to go until you guys write me a check. Thanks for buying the pro version. Who did it? Who bought the pro version this week? I think Zinjah.

Is that how you think you pronounce it? Z-I-N-J-E-H. Zinjah. Zinjah bought the pro version this week. And his prize is he's going to get to be a producer for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be a producer on a podcast.

Cool. And all that involves is like, you know, when you're a producer, you make arrangements. The technical aspects of some of the business dealings. Compensating the guests. And he's going to get Lauren's contact info.

So I'll contact him. Yes, and Jinja is on it. And the two of you will work that out, hammer out the details. Great. That'd be perfect. Bye.

Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com

The wolf dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.