Hollywood Handbook - Lennon Parham, Our Goals Friend

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

Live from the Dynasty Typewriter Theatre, LENNON PARHAM joins The Boys to help out Chef Kevin.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com  code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Small, small, small. Here comes Hayes and Sean. So, it's me and Tony Morrison. And Snoke, Supreme Leader Snoke. And Tony Morrison. And Snoke, Supreme Leader Snoke. Zipline tour, Costa Rica. Ah, the canopies. Snoke is first. They do zoom over the canopies.

Now it's my turn to go. Uh-huh. I have had a long conversation with tony ahead of time about the picture uh-huh the picture i wanted to get right you can't be too far away no i know it it's a matter of timing and it's it's one of these things um Well, I played quarterback for... Yes. For USC. And you throw the receiver open. You don't throw it to where they are.

You throw it where they're going to be. Thank you. So when you're taking the photograph, someone on a zip line... Oh, God, I wish you were there. No, and I wish I could have been. Of course, you know Snoke and me. Yeah.

Have a little bit of a history. Yeah. Do you want to talk about that? Oh, gosh. Am I going to talk about my thing with Snoke? Well, this was in my wild days. Yeah. And let's face it.

I wasn't always respectful of the ruler Snoke's feelings. And I thought we had an understanding. By the way, I'm very impressed that you can admit that. Hey. Hey. I'm not perfect. I'm a human being. I've made mistakes before, okay?

So, basically, I thought there was sort of an unspoken understanding, and when we spoke about it, Snoke didn't feel that way. I had four best friends. So I would say, this is my best friend, Supreme Leader Snoke. And Supreme Leader Snoke meant that was the only best friend I had. When at the same time, I was best friends with, of course, Mace Windu. When at the same time, I was best friends with, of course, Mace Windu. And the two of them don't get it.

Different colored lightsabers, which means they hate each other. And not only that, I was best friends, still up to this day, with BB-8. Beep-bop-boop-bop-beep. And, of course... Goldmember. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, and Goldmember and I would rip up the town, and we'd go out, and we'd get wild,

and then I would get a call the next day from Snoke, who's like, it sounds like you and Goldmember were having a good time, and I heard that you had the secret password to get into our bar in K-Town, and that you got in there and won the trivia contest, and that your trivia team was called the best friends. I hope that's ironic.

I hope you're not really best friends. And I was like, well, we are, but so are we. And so it goes like, that's not possible. So... I've apologized. are, but so are we. And Snoke was like, that's not possible! So, I've apologized. And I did that for me. And if Snoke doesn't want to accept that

apology, that's okay. That's his trip. You know, that's his thing. If he wants to go on a zipline tour kind of at me... I knew he was using me. I knew he was using me. I knew he was using me. That's okay. That's okay.

That's okay. That's okay. I said what I needed to say. Yeah. That's that. So I put my harness on. Yeah. All right.

Go ahead. The harness on. Yeah. Oh, right. And I'm blasting out of this thing. It's just the effect is insane. If you've ever worn one of these things. Yeah.

I mean, it just has never, the presentation has just never been more worthy of a picture. Yeah. I mean, it just has never, the presentation has just never been more worthy of a picture. Yeah. The distribution of your body. Oh my God. Is just, you're built for harnessing. Yes. Yes.

I've never really felt like any outfit i've ever worn has has done me justice like this harness so i'm getting very excited about the picture i i get released i'm kind of like spinning around in the air on the zipline to like try and get a good angle like to like to do full arms, like starfish out, like blah, for the picture. And I'm widening my eyes

to do my big face. And my eyes are so wide, I have a clear view of Tony just beginning to reach for her phone. But it's too late now, Tony! I've gone well past the point of no return. I finally get to see the picture.

I'm like a tiny little speck in it. I'm so sorry that happened. And now I have nothing. I sacrificed my friendship with you. Right. For this picture. And now I don't have it. And what were you going to do with the picture?

I was going to give it to you. That would have made things right. That would have made things right. That would have made things right. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, and it's how to grab the kicking butt and drop the names in the red carpet line back home. It's what this industry we call showbiz.

We're at the Dynasty Typewriter Theater. It's the second show we've done here. And the first one was pretty good. Yes. Can we recapture that same magic? I did have one thing I wanted to mention.

Is there anyone from the Dynasty Typewriter Theater who can just stand up here who I can just speak to about something about this theater? Is there anyone here?

Anyone? Makes sense, given the story I'm about to tell. Go ahead. Is someone coming up? Come up. Hi. Come on, Frankie. You, Frankie. This is Frankie. He works for the Dynasty Typewriter Theater. So nice. I'm sure this is not your fault, but you can tell whoever the responsible party is. I'm driving by the Dynasty Typewriter Theater two weeks ago. I see a sign on the marquee, and it says,

Love it or leave it, sold out. Okay? That part of the story is important. Let's remember that. I think I'm driving along, I do a little smile, I say, oh, what a delicious treat it will be. You got to imagine that the Love It or Leave It hosts

probably took a photo of themselves in front of that sold-out marquee. Wouldn't that be nice? That's one you could send to your parents. I am doing something. You send them a billboard, and they say, I don't get it. Flash forward two weeks later. I'm driving along, getting ready for my little treat.

And I look at the marquee. First of all, on the west-facing side, which is where, let's be honest, everyone is coming from, it says, like, Uncle Fuzzbucket's Snackstravaganza or something. Some, like, 10.30 p.m 30 p.m show who like gives a shit and then so i have to crane my neck around to look at the hollywood handbook side and it says hollywood handbook the end now i remember hayes telling me about a week ago, so somewhere along the course of this story, he said, hey, we really got to sell out this Dynasty typewriter show. And I said, yeah, I hope it will. And he goes, no, we have to make sure. He said, they put sold out on the marquee.

So, I activated my army. And I put the goddamn work in. And you could not buy a ticket for this show. But would you know that from the marquee? Now, Frankie, you've been raising your hand very nicely and so I would like to say yes Frankie go ahead something tells me by the time everybody here walks outside

it'll say sold the fuck out hey the system works thank you Frankie so it sounds like System works. Thank you, Frankie. Thank you, Frankie. So it sounds like Frankie says, relax. Oh, it's a special night. Special night.

Oh, yeah. Very special. We've got a great guest. I don't see any reason to hold back on our guest any longer. No, I think that she's probably been standing backstage wondering, how long am I going to do this bullshit? We'll do it together. It's the same fucking shit.

Like, well, I get to sit down and have a mic then. Dear, dear friend, she's part of the Earwolf family, please welcome to the show lenin parham hi thank you for having me. You honor me, Lennon. You guys will always be sold out in my mind.

Lennon, you told us before the show that you've done Largo a bunch of times. Oh, a fucking ton of times. A venue that we have been explicitly told we are not allowed to do. And I'll walk you through the process more specifically. We've been asked, hey, would you guys want to try to do a show at Largo? And we say, yes, we would love to do a show at Largo.

And then we get an email two weeks later that says, you can't. They have rejected out of hand the idea of you doing a show there. But it seems like this entire audience, if we went over to Largo, that would be... Yeah. Yeah. That would do pretty big numbers at Largo. It's a big space.

It's like twice this size. Okay. So, yeah. Maybe some people on the way are like, oh, where are they going? They see this crew. There's like a sex shop right across the store. Whatever they're about,

you know, you want to get involved. They see that guy who came up before like a big baton at the front of the parade? We could march there

like in concert. In concert? Like as one. That means as one. Oh, okay. But we could do like some songs. We could do so many things.

Oh, yeah. We would do a concert. Someone could like bring their devil sticks. We could do a concert on the won. Oh, okay. But we could do some songs. We could do so many things. Oh, yeah. We would do a concert. Someone could bring their devil sticks. Yeah, we could do a concert on the way. Everything could happen. Yeah. A concert. Yeah, I'm on board.

I love acapella. Oh, go. All right. Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome God. Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome God. Having fun. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

Having fun. I was sutured to the beat. I was freaking surgically attached to the beat on that one. Damn, that felt good to be that deep in the pocket. Do you guys... I still got it. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. No, no, no.

I can't see you sometimes so I don't know. I'm going to get all the way around and back a little bit too. Let's all move these around now. Thanks for setting up, Frankie.

Are you... Is everybody... You guys are really hard on Frankie, but he's like the guy next door. He's got that great accent So lay off

Who lives next door to you? Freaking Mike Myers' dad And so I married an axe murderer I don't know that reference What? It's the same voice as Fat Bastard, but it's a handful of years earlier. Is it Mike Myers?

And it's less justifiable. As an older person? Would you believe it is him? You wait to the princess afterward, yes. Okay. Yeah, while you're watching, you get a sneaky suspicion. How old were you guys when that came out?

So I married an ax murderer? Boom. Yeah. 1970. What year was that that you were just saying? The year you were born? I was saying the year I was born, yeah. Oh, okay, yeah.

You were not born in the 70s, were you? No. You're a piece of shit. Back it up. You're a piece of shit. Yeah. All right. You were born in the 80s, both of you.

Yeah. Right? Was anybody in here born in the 90s? Fuck you all. And what about the aughts? Was anybody born after whatever that terrible year was we thought it was all going to end? Nobody, right?

Lennon is a liquor license trap. The police send her out just to make sure at these shows where they're selling alcohol. She has this way. She got everyone to say what decade they were born. Thank you. I got it.

I got it. Very organically introduced, but she is a sleeper agent. Yes. And if there are any teens in a crowd, they will say woo. Where's the dude on the front row? Where is he? I don't think there are any teens here. No?

No. But they would have to go to teen jail. 21 is the legal age, guys. 21. Well, let's talk about that for a little bit. So you're saying I can go get my ass

blown off for my country, but I can't crack a bottle of suds in my own backyard with my boys. I'm sorry, that math don't exactly check out for me. Not really looking to go fight Uncle Obama's little red war. But I can't kick back with a jar of suds.

I have never heard them called suds. Is that like a sentence? You never, a long day at work? Long day at work, you don't kick back with a jar of suds? Come on. You don't twist the top of a jar of suds and just relax like my man Frankie says to do.

No, you gotta stop with that shit. Shock top, baby. It got a whole fridge with that little moon on it. Did you ask if it was a Simpsons reference? Yeah, what do they call the beer in the Simpsons? Well, it's Duff beer on The Simpsons. Oh, I thought.

Okay. Yeah, but on Shawshank, they like to say, a man don't feel like a man. He can't have a nice bottle of suds after a long day's work. That was a Shawshank reference. Wow. You don't know that either? You don't know South Liberia an axe murder or shawshank

jesus rewatch factor through the roof i've seen shawshank all right settle down okay but i'm what i was saying earlier is i think so i married an axe murderer came out when i was already a young like a bird like a budding adult. And I was already watching like high art. You know what I mean? Oh, right. What were you budding? Meet the Feebles or whatever.

What'd you say? Meet the Feebles? Yeah, Meet the Feebles. No. That's like high art. Like you get super high and you go like, oh, they're being artistic. That's called the Feebles. No. It's like high art. Like you get super high and you go like, oh, they're being artistic. That's called The Feebles? Meet the Feebles?

Meet the Feebles, yeah. Sort of the Happy Time Murderous prequel. That's when Peter Jackson was good and did real shit. None of this like elves or whatever. It was when he put his hand

in like a puppet that was meant to look like shit. And he had it say that it had like symbols. So then it's like our dark crystal. Yeah. Okay. Because that was like Henson's dark work that stayed with me forever. Oh, God.

And that shit was for fucking kids? Yes. Are you serious? You remember? That's for kids yeah jesus your life essence was sucked out of you yeah by a group of skeksis which and a woman popped her eyeball out just so she could like submarine around and check out the yeah i mean that dark. So you're telling me I can watch Dark Crystal? Yes. But you can't have a suds. And I can't kick back with a jar of suds.

Yeah. I'm sorry. The math just don't add up. I'm trying to crunch the numbers on this one. It don't make a whole lot of sense. You guys like Pentatonix? Yeah, sure, yeah. Great group, right? They cover the fuck out of, um,

Say something, I'm giving up on you. Yeah, I like their Let It Go as well. It's a bonus track on their most recent Christmas album. Oh, yeah. And that's for kids. Let It Go. They're freezing everything. Did you audition for kids. Let it go. They're freezing everything. Did you audition for them?

For Pentatonix? Yeah. I wish. They were, I was probably 37 before I knew what they were. Okay. So you actually look a lot like the lead singer. Okay. Yeah.

I'm getting a major Pentatonix lead singer vibe from you right now. He's killer. Wow. And it sounds like what you're saying, he's young. Yeah, sort of. Okay. Yeah, born in the whatever, the 80s. Maybe the 90s.

What was your audition song? I didn't do my Our God god is an awesome god i did um same love didn't you do same love i don't know what that is man the macklemore song same love oh my god i'm so old you You understand? I would only have heard that song if they played it on NPR, which they might have. Yeah, they definitely did.

For sure. It was in the news at the time. Like, Thrift Shop touched me. The fringes of Thrift Shop touched me, and Same Love a little bit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. True story. BB8 once sent me an email that said have you checked out this video yet?

And it was for Thrift Shop. I sent back the Dirt Nasty video 1980. It said, do you mean this video? And he never responded. Let's talk about why we're really here tonight. It's a special night. It's a special night. There's someone

who has become in the show for almost no reason. Yes. And like all other times, he is here. And his name is Chef Kevin. Now I'll be the audience.

Hang on, who gives a shit? Why do I care about Chef Kevin? Shut the fuck up, Hayden. I'm not here for this shit. I know. I know. I know. Wait a minute. Why would I care about Chef Kevin today of all days?

Today, if we could just be very nice to Chef Kevin today. Okay. Today is his birthday. Oh. Yes. We've all been talking about age and when you were born and all of that was just subtly programming you for a birthday

show. Yes. And he, I'm sure, has been waiting backstage looking at that empty chair. Yeah, looks about the size of Chef Kevin's butt, doesn't it? And so we'd like to welcome him on stage right now Chef Kevin, please come out

Mike Ryan, Richard Kiel Michelle Pfeiffer, Rupert Glynn Okay Okay. So there was one comedy prop in the green room. It was a sparkly hat, a sparkly top hat. And it is something of a birthday hat. And that's what Chef Kevin is wearing right now. Chef Kevin, happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Thank you. What did you do today? I was at work and we recorded a pro version. Yeah, that's right. Pretty nice birthday. Spend it with your closest friends.

Yeah. Yeah. Anything else? Did you eat any special plants today? I ate lunch alone and then I came here. It also sounds like

from what he's described that he ate lunch at 7.30 p.m. What did you eat for lunch? Friggin' weed? I had a veggie sandwich at Pizza Man. This guy went vegan, but you know it was just so he could eat more weed. What a sick burnout.

Can you say hi birthday, man? Hey, Lennon. Thanks for coming. Hey, Kev. Yeah. Do you guys know each other from around the office or not really? Definitely. Do you produce Womp?

I don't, but I was the production coordinator when Womp started, so I did scheduling with them the first few months. It was electric. Great story. No, it's really fun. Glad I asked that question. So you never know sometimes when there's a gem

hidden just behind the curtain. What year were you born? 1992. Damn, wow. What year were you born? 1992. Damn. Wow. Two years before Forrest Gump. Crazy to think about, huh? That was a great soundtrack.

The Forrest Gump soundtrack was great. Oh, yeah. Did you want to sing some of it a cappella? Listen, every time that you ask me to sing, I will. Okay. So if you want that throughout your show, I may start way too low. It's going to sound really terrible.

I may start high. I may do both. I may jump octaves like I did with Our God is an Awesome God. What was track one? You know, when you put the CD in, just lightly put it in.

Yeah, CDs. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Well, in 1992, I had just gotten a white Honda Accord for my 16th birthday, I believe. Swanky. So I didn't have a CD player in the car, so I would have had...

Swag, swag. I would have had a double cassette player. Dope, dope, dope. So side one, track one was the Forrest Gump suite. Okay. I'm trying to remember. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Having fun. Something like that. Wow. That's really nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could almost see the feather floating down in front of us, telling our story. That's dope, that's dope.

So, but we wouldn't just bring Kevin up here just to sit and just like do nothing. Next to, like Lennon, we have Lennon here. That's a real guest. So this is like a little, this is like kind of a birthday, like special gift surprise for you. In addition to, we did already give you a gift today. Yes.

It was very nice. Sean put a $20 bill on the table and said, happy birthday. That's right. Untraceable. You spend it on anything. And then what did I do? You Venmoed Sean $10.

That's right. That's right. Lennon, have you ever heard of anything that nice? No, I mean, the only thing nicer was when Hayes, before we came out here, said that he had never considered your feelings ever about how you might be feeling about your treatment on the show or being here or if you got nervous.

Yeah, well, he asked, do you ever get nervous? I've never thought about that. And then everyone laughed, and then you guys moved on. Yeah, you never said. Well, we had to do the show. What, are we going to, like, stand back there while you decide whether or not you get nervous? Because there's people waiting here.

Frankie was riding my ass. It was the one time he wasn't relaxed. Yeah. I'm not allowed to enter the Frankie Says Relax universe. That's for the boys. I feel like this audience doesn't know that song. Mm-hmm. No. They know the shirt from the wedding singer that's what they're going off of they were four when the wedding singer came out so kevin the special surprise for you is what we're gonna do is just kind of block out kevin's year

is just kind of block out Kevin's year. Because we didn't do that last year. And now a year has gone by. And I find myself thinking, we might have benefited from a little planning at the beginning of last year. So at this year, at the end of the year, we could have made a little progress. We could find ourselves in a different place than we were at the end of the year, we could have made a little progress. We could find ourselves in a different place

than we were at the beginning. I can't believe a year has passed for you because what has happened? It seems worse. It seems the same or maybe worse. Yes. And, you know, let's face it, you're on the wrong side of 25. Staring down the barrel of some rough years uh if we don't

start building something now it's gonna be too late so one thing we want to do tonight is we want to get some input some input some we want to crowdsource what the people want to see from chef kevin like in the in the coming year some things that you could do uh for yourself for our show uh i guess i mean let's start with lennon lennon you can't be happy with chef kevin's current brand i don't want to be rude. But I have to say to you guys that if you want to let Chef Kevin blossom, then we might need to stop saying we and let Chef Kevin fly. Okay, so you're saying we should fire Chef Kevin. We've talked about it. Okay.

So that's a vote for Chef Kevin is fired. Well, does he have room to grow? I think that's a safe yes. I mean, with you guys, does he have room to grow? In all directions. All right. Well, I guess then we have to leave it up to Kevin and see what he wants. Okay.

Yeah, I'll grow. There you go. Okay. Oh, wow. That was easy. I've never, ever gotten him to say anything like that. The 26 to 28, that's like physiologically and in your brain there is a major major shift that happens so a lot of people in their lives and i'm looking at you all who

who'd on 92 it's like there's a big and maybe you've already entered it maybe you're on the way through it maybe you're in the middle of it maybe you're past that and you remember when you were 26 to 28 like the shit that that was yeah and then you had to kind of get down under the barbed wire and crawl for a while and then you come out and you either come out like you know rambo like happy you know famous happy guy john John Rambo. Yeah. Ultimate happiness, Rambo. Charging, charging at your victim. I don't never, I don't know what that, or you die in the mud, you know? So, um, you know, again, it's a choice for you. You guys, you know, will you be there to support him?

Because obviously he looks up to you. Oh, wow. I've never thought about it that way. I've been an influence on him and am somehow responsible for this product. Yeah, that he's modeling my behavior. It's confusing because I've never worn a pocket tee in my life. I've certainly never seen you wear one.

No. So it must be from someone else. Who is that from? A squar? Yeah. It was a rogue squar. They gave me the shirts that they didn't want from advertisers. No, this was just Gap.

Gap at the Scout. Gap will get you. Why don't we get some ideas from the audience of something we'd like to see chef kevin add to his routine daily yes that could be really helpful something like maybe some people who are a little older than chef kevin some things that they've done uh and you mean like daily routine yeah yeah that like help them get things done or anything like that. I thought you meant like a character, like a routine on the show.

No, no, no. I'd love to see that. We could do that too. No, Kevin. I mean, is this what you're dealing with? Yeah. Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.

He's always trying to do characters. I take everything back. Good Lord. Can you believe it? He's auditioning these characters behind the scenes before every show. To put it to his routine. Yeah, he wants... And the routine already has so many characters.

He said, yeah. What's your top character? Defending myself guy. Well, that leads into something I wanted to talk about. Are you going to finally take karate lessons this year? Which is the confusing thing about the defending myself guy. He's very weak.

Yeah. You're right. Yeah, I should take some karate lessons and yeah, that's... Well, how do we pick out a dojo, Kevin? It's got to be walkable, right? Yeah. I mean, in Cali,

can you find the one that old Machio hit up? Yeah, or a Gethard or something and go to like... Yes, you could go to Gethard's dojo. Like Yelp,athard's Dojo and then if it's walkable you can just be walking up and down the street in your gi and the business owners the pizza man

who you are friends with somehow will say like there goes Kevin do you do anything to make yourself physically strong currently besides walking on sunset that's kind of my currently besides walking on Sunset? That's kind of my... I'm walking on Sunset. Just for fun.

I got a pull-up bar, but it started to hurt. What was hurting? The, like, hips up. Because I was trying to do the reverse sit-up one, and that hurt my stomach. And then I did the pull-up one that hurt my shoulders. And then when I did a different one that was hurting my arms. When you say it hurt,

do you mean, like, your muscles were sore from exercise? That sounds right, yeah. Do you have a roommate? No. Don't do this by yourself. So dangerous. Who would find you? Then I would like fall off the pull-up bar and collapse.

Well, it doesn't sound like, don't laugh. I mean, it doesn't sound like it's going very well. Anything could happen. You hurt almost your whole body. Do you want to ask them what they think you should do physically? Yeah, just like any kind of like routine stuff, stuff you guys do. Start wiping. Start what?

Wiping. Okay. So you could make your... Okay. So he said start wiping. So, you know, we asked for the audience to say something. Is that something that, like, you've announced that you don't wipe? You just, like, try to get a clean shit and walk away? I will say that this person in the audience

is the person sitting closest to Kevin of anyone in the theater. No, that's never been a thing. Wiping? So you think it just doesn't exist no I wipe I'm good at wipes I buy wipes I use the toilet paper

you buy wipes separately like children's wipes yeah just you know the occasional like if I want to treat myself. I mean, this being your birthday, you must be going through a ton of them. I did notice him walk on stage with a little kind of extra swagger. This guy's feeling clean as hell.

Yeah, I'm feeling good. Can't have been eating lunch that whole time between work and the show. Well, vegans are not known for having normal stool. Yes. I mean, it might have taken you a while. Were you always a vegan? Did you used to eat meat and then you transitioned? Yeah, I've been a vegetarian for five years

and vegan for a year, yeah. Okay, so there were some rough patches in there probably, right? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so there were some rough patches in there probably, right? Yeah, absolutely. Some wipeable moments. Your body language has shifted so much. It's like you're trying to cave in on yourself. Hand in the armpit.

Legs tightly wound. It's gonna be okay, buddy. So that was a good suggestion there was something there he saw something he couldn't pin down what direction it was in it's either not enough or too much

and it ended up being too much I'm interested in the idea of Kevin's pull up bar falling and when and how we would realize something was wrong yes in the idea of Kevin's pull-up bar falling and when and how we would realize something was wrong. Yes. I think it would probably be that we'd get an email from

Dana saying that we hadn't read any ads for like a month. I think people on message boards and stuff would be like, why are there no pictures for this episode? But that's Matt now. That's right. Okay, yeah.

You might be hanging out there in your apartment for a little while. Yeah, it sucks. Anyone else? Anyone have advice on a daily routine? Okay, I heard go to school. Wow. What was the moonlight one? Avoid blue light. Avoid blue light. Oh, okay.

So they want you to get like those special glasses. Did you go to school? I did, yeah. Which one? I went to grade school and high school and college. Checks out. Damn, this guy knows his shit.

College, we were there. He's not going to get every single one. And you were at college for how many years? Three and a half. Did you graduate early? I did, yeah. Uh-oh. Whoa.

And where did you go to college? Northern Illinois University. Okay. Someone said boo, did you hear that? You're just going to let that go? Hey, get up! you're just gonna let that go? Hey, get up!

Hey, who said boo? You mess with Northern Illinois University. You mess with all of us. Please don't. It's my birthday. Come on, Kevin. Really, give it to him. Defend your school.

We have a good business program. What program did you do? Communication. A lot of jocks in there, and Kevin. Kevin. Yeah. So you could go back for your master's? I could, yeah. Do you want to?

I've thought about it, but no. I think it'd be fun to have your master's. Fun. Fun. your masters. Fun. What? What is fun about Kevin? Kevin just sitting on his couch,

staring straight ahead. Oh, dude, you know it'd be so fun. With just like a half smile on his face. Staring at an empty space, and a master's diploma- sized space on his wall. Just imagining. Just drift away and be master's Kevin for a little bit. What do you want a master's in? Like, I think English. I don't know what I was... Yeah.

Maybe audio engineering. That would be cool. He's playing out a conversation he's having with like a barista or whatever. Sorry, I know I already asked for your name, but do you have a master's? Oh, no need to apologize, miss.

Yes, I do you have a master's? Oh, no need to apologize, miss. Yes, I do. That's such a treat for you. So, I'm sorry. I stepped on the answer. You were going to get an English master's? Yeah, English or screenwriting or audio engineering all sound like cool masters. Oh, yeah. And the fun would come while you're doing it

or you said it would be fun once you have it? I think after, once I have it. And then what would your life be like if you were like a fucking masters of English? I think it would be... Maybe probably the same, but like I'm a little older and I have a... I have a master...

Maybe a... but I'm a little older and I have a master's. Maybe I... I could ask for a raise. I'd be like, I have a master's. I've earned the... So I guess as I'm saying it out loud, I should get a thing in my career. That will help.

Sir, why are you waiting in that long line? You have a master's. Please, right this way. Yeah, I think that could be fun. Someone earlier was saying avoid blue light, which I now realize was just the most brutal own. Because you are sitting in just like the most... The most blue ass light. And you look like a blueberry ass bitch.

So that was good advice. Great. Anyone else? Yoga. Yoga. I've had bad experiences with yoga Great Good, good, good We're mapping out your whole year for you

I was falling a lot Falling? Yeah It's balanced stuff, right? Yeah, it was balanced stuff And my feet would get sweaty, and I'd kind of slide off the mat. Yeah, sure.

Was it hot yoga? No. Were you using your wipes on your feet as well? No. The only positive note I was getting were my hands looked good. Who said that? The instructor, when she would give each person a compliment. Oh, what?

She had to say a nice thing? Yeah. Your hands look good? Yeah, that's exactly how she said it. Wow. Did it make you feel good? Like the first two weeks when she wasn't, like, talking, giving each person a compliment. Separate from the woman.

Did it feel good to you to physically do the movements when you weren't slip sliding when you when you nailed a pose when you did a downward dog or something or even child's pose or yeah shavasana which is just called corpse pose did feel, did that movement feel good to you? Kevin answer, but then let's bring it back to this woman. Yeah, there was a moment where we had a, we had our hands on the floor,

but we put our feet up on the walls like in a, in that shape. And I, and I didn't get it like the first two, three weeks, but the one, the first two, three weeks, but the one time I got it, I felt like I peaked. It felt really...

Yeah, that felt really nice. Masters-level thrill. Yeah. It sounds like Lennon knows a lot about this stuff. Yeah, I think so. And there is a rug here. This is a podcast, though, right?

Yeah, but we can say what's happening. Okay, I had spine surgery four weeks ago. One move? Four months ago. I'm not saying you do it. You're the guest. Kevin does this shit. Whatever we're doing.

Please. Okay, sure. You want to do something, buddy? I mean that it doesn't matter yeah all right so let's start this is good center yourself on that rug, feet together. You're going to be great at this. Okay. Okay, standing very straight. Go, Kevin.

All right, let's just do something really simple. Why don't you go down gently onto all fours. That's really good. Your hands look great. His t-shirt's tucked in like he was ready for this. Okay, move your knees down so that they're under your hips.

Not so far, a little further forward. Okay, so you're naturally doing what we call a cat pose. So make your back neutral. Let's flatten it out. That's it, that's it, that's it. Your hand's still looking great. And all right, now arch your back.

Bring your chin up, looking up at the sky. Right into the blue light. Let your lower back sink. There, good, good, good, good, good. That's nice. Now sit back on your heels. There, good, good, good, good, good. That's nice. Now sit back on your heels. That's good. And come down into a child's pose.

Do you remember that? That's nice. Can we just, we have to... That's great. Kevin, you can stay in this, but we should, well, he should stay in his pose. Boy, we should have been selling tickets for my seat. What a treat.

You did great. Kevin, great job. Thanks, everyone. Your hands were fucking next level, dude. They were. I was like, what? I mean, they're just naturally great. Yeah.

I do want to say, we've been talking a lot about what you're going to do this year, plans you have, goals. It's been all about you. You haven't mentioned a single thing about the show that that you work on yes yeah it's all i'm gonna work out i'm gonna do this i'm gonna be so ripped i'm gonna beat everyone up sure like well hang on kevin i'm gonna be having so much fun with my masters yeah you have a job. Yes. Okay, and so you guys want to suggest what I'm going to do to help the show. Sure. Okay. I'm going to try to have more people listen to it.

Okay. Bye. Let me ask you a question. Right now is a very significant moment, isn't it? The L.A. show. Yes, it is. Why is it significant? Because it's sold out.

No, the this was a deadline wasn't it was the personal goal you set for yourself yeah i'm glad i could have just kept the goal to myself in retrospect i had a goal to sell out all the live shows before this show happened the boston show the first bell house show in New York, and the second Bell House show in New York. That's right. Did the Boston show sell out? It did. Did the first Bell House show sell out?

It did. Did the second Bell House show sell out? It did not. No. Yet. But this was the deadline. That's right. Are those tickets still available?

That show hasn't happened yet, right? I don't know if we're even going to do it now. Yeah. We might cancel our flights. For what? Because Kevin failed. You're going for the first one, though, right? I don't know.

With what's been happening with Kevin lately I'm not sure I can Well you gotta go to the bell house Oh whoa Sounds like You know something about the best story You gotta get there In Brooklyn you gotta get there

Okay maybe we will Okay That's starting to sound pretty good. So it is day one of Kevin's year, and it is marked by failure. Nowhere to go but up. That's true. So what's next? Maybe people have suggestions from the audience, things Kevin could do for the show.

We're back to the show. What? Talk back show. A talk back show. Okay, Kevin. You take the ball and run with that. We've given you all the tools you need. Three different words. Well?

Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Welcome to the Talkback Show. On today's episode... This is really good. He's crushing it. Today's episode, This is really good. He's crushing it. Today's episode, I'm recapping the live show

that they did in L.A. It was a little too focused on me. See you next week. Pretty good. That's pretty good. What about, I mean, obviously we're talking about the show, your relationship to the show. We do have Lennon here on stage. You're right, we're focusing on you. She seems a little

underused here. What are some goals we have for Kevin's relationship with Lennon this year? That's a great one. I'd love to hear that, Kev. Yeah. I agree. I think I think I'd like to make it stronger by going out of my way to see when you guys are recording and say hi.

Saying hi. Yeah. Yeah, saying hi. Yeah, that could be really nice. Saying hi, yeah. It's a little extra effort because we record up on the fourth floor and you guys, you move to the second floor so we don't always see you. That's right. So you'll have to come up and just sit.

You record on the fourth floor? Yeah. You record on the fourth floor? Yeah. You guys demanded that? Yeah, the yellow room. The yellow room? We asked to always be recording next to LeVar Burton. He gets to record up there too? Yeah, next to us.

We just record in an empty office now. There's no one there anymore. Kevin? Well, that's my apartment, actually. Oh, it's not. Oh. Okay. What would it sound like?

Lennon shows up. Hey, Lennon. What are you doing on the fourth floor? I'm sorry that felt very real and that from there it's a short walk to you two

are texting each other she's going how'd you get this number you're going I'm sorry I'm sorry do you think Len for Kevin is okay

what do you think Len for Kevin is okay? What? Do you think Len, if you caught a Len from Kevin. Okay, that's why I asked. No way. I don't like it. No way. Hey Len. Yeah.

It's not my name. Yeah, no way. Don't do that, Kevin. Come on, man. Even with a master's. Did you do that? Did you just say that? No. No, he said Lennon. I just I was feeling that I was going to get enraged. Yeah, I could see him making that kind of mistake. Feels good. Can I ask Kevin a question, please? Okay. So in 10 years,

2028, you've just turned 36. What are the five things that you want in your life? For real. Sure. For real, Kevin. I'm going to start crying. For real, Kevin.

I'm going to start crying. I would like to have a job that I'm really proud of. Check. Okay. This guy's ahead of the game. Travel the world. Okay. We're going to New York next week.

Maybe be a father and husband. Love it. Write a book. What's the book about? Yeah, what kind of book? How I Got My Master's, 101 Fun Things. I guess that's what you want to know about English for. Yeah.

Maybe like a memoir about personal experiences in Los Angeles or something. Wow. No, that's... Were you waiting for us to be like, no, that's a great idea. Hayes, can I ask you something? And this is really not worth doing.

It's going to derail the show. Why were you so surprised to hear that Lennon records on the fourth floor? Because no one's ever offered that to us. That's what we do. I didn't even know that. Oh, wait. We record on the fourth floor. Like, I was like,

oh, okay, let me play into this, like, bit, this, like... But when you get in the elevator you hit four and that and that's let me tell you what i was doing okay yeah you want all these guys don't know exactly what floor we record on. Look. Look at these people. I'm going to say, oh, this is the elevator button I put. This is exactly how you get to me. Great. Listen to what you're saying.

No, yeah. No, I know. Did you see the guy we met earlier? And I'm doing a joke. And I'm joking. We don't record on the fourth floor. No, this is also a bit. But Lennon does.

Oh, yes. No, oh, no. I was fucking with you guys. Wow. Totally. Very funny. I used a specific that you probably referenced in your show, The Color of the Walls.

Uh-huh. And I referenced a guy that also records at Earwolf, so it would seem like it was legit. Oh, okay. But it's a whole different number. Yep. Interesting. A whole different number. Yeah.

We did a whole bit about two and four, and it was amazing. Yeah. Right? And it's on tape forever. Kevin, you only listed four things. Husband and father could be two. Those are separate. He thinks of it as one.

I think he's... Maybe. Which means he wants some sort of child bride situation. To marry his child. And he puts that third just to be like marry my child and write a book body language and the way he phrased it makes me think that's the thing he wants the most because he said maybe in front of it which means if he doesn't have it then it won't be a failure but really that's what I want. Couldn't even admit it to himself.

Well, or to the entire world. Yeah, or to himself, the coward. Lana, that was very perceptive. Thanks, man. What do you think about that, Kevin? She just crawled inside your head and set up camp. Yeah, she's right. And then the next one is...

To give back, like, to the world. Don't you have to have been given something? No, you can just give. Like help out. Hmm. Sorry. What do you guys give to the world? Me?

Ah. Podcast. podcast but that's not nothing because i had one time i got in bed with joan crawford joan rivers Joan Rivers. I thought you were going to say Joe Crawford. No. My brain thought that too. And she was undercutting what she does. Like she was saying, I'm not worth anything, basically.

And I was like, wow, that's some like deep shit, right? But as far as comedy, I said, no, I think what we do is important. Comedy is important because it resonates. It takes, in the shittiest of times, people can put you guys on in their double cassette player and they can listen to you. They can feel bad, feel connected with all of you guys. And it is. Maybe don't use Kevin for that. It is a podcast.

But that doesn't mean that it isn't worth something. And that's so Joan, too. Thousand percent. Like, who me? Like, who am I? I'm just like some little bug. Imagine the podcast she would have done. Sure.

She would have described an outfit. And then she would have ripped it to shreds um yeah i could see us being in a double cassette player but we would be relegated to track two yeah because track one would be... The Forrest Gump suite. Forrest Gump. The Forrest Gump suite. Sure. Do you think... Now, do you guys make mixtapes anymore?

You make mix... What? Playlists? Wow, everyone's just politely raising their hand yes. So how do you make... Giving a thumbs up. How do you make like a love mix for somebody now? Spotify.

Spotify playlist. Spotify playlist. I thought somebody said... Oh, Justin, when I love them, they do a Spotify playlist. I thought somebody said, sent of Elaine. That's what he said. Oh, I think they said,

send them a link. Oh, send them a link. A link of... Pepper links. That you would make, what? On your own iTunes or something? You could do it too? Well, on Spotify.

Kevin makes these Spotify playlists and people go crazy for them. He's got one called Morning. Like Grief? No, no you. Okay. And another one called like Night Evening

Oh night Oh sorry Are they just open Anybody can follow Yeah They got like 16 followers They have more after tonight Thanks

People are going nuts Oh yeah That could be a nice Birthday present So people follow Kevin's morning Spotify playlist. Let's get that up to 17 followers.

That's my goal for this show. Ooh, look at the time. It used to be in high school, you could like, if you had a crush on somebody, but you didn't want to tell them outright because you were in high school and you couldn't, or you wanted to ask someone out or have a child with someone, you could, like, make them, you know, a cassette, like, that you, and it would have meant not that you just hand like went ding ding ding

ding and it was like 12 seconds of work but that you probably like waited and listened to the radio for that song to come on and then hit record at the right time perfectly yeah and then the order is so important and then how you write it and maybe there's like a quote and maybe there's like a photo or something like that when you're trying not to leave dead air at the end of the side A of the tape. Right, so timing is everything. But you don't want it to cut off mid-song either. So, I mean, you're really threading the needle.

So how do you say to someone now that? Send them a link. How do you do it? When you have a, if you had a crush on someone and you want, but you wanted to share that with them.

Sure. I would probably think of like a very specific thing that we shared together and then try to find a, I don't like this. Kevin, yeah. I like it.

I don't like it too much either, Kevin, because the correct answer is I't like this. Kevin, yeah. I like it. I don't like it too much either, Kevin, because the correct answer is, I have a girlfriend. Well, yeah, that's true, and I'm very happy. I was just answering Lennon's hypothetical question. The other answer I would accept is,

well, I guess I'd try to get him into a Hollywood handbook show. Yeah, both are right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty juicy. Wow, that would really show someone you care, getting them into a live podcast recording. Lennon, can I observe something about you? Because you were so perceptive about Kevin earlier.

Get in there, man. You keep asking this audience, like, what do you guys do now with your machines? Yeah, because I'm old as hell. No, this is what I want to get at. You seem to want to be this Mrs. Old Lady, but you are... You are young. You are young.

Lennon is young. Sort of. I might look like that. And can I make a guess at maybe why you're doing this? I hear that you're up to play Ricky's friend in the next Ricky and the Flash. Her old bandmate. I did not see that movie, but I do know what you're referencing, which is

different than some of the things you've referenced earlier. It's newer. Yeah. That might be one of the reasons. I'm second-guessing myself. I mean, it's a grandmother part, you know? Yes, of course.

But I mean, who doesn't want to be next to Meryl? Right. So, you know? Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, Pentatonix doesn't want me, you know? I don't know anything about how to marry an axe murderer, whatever that movie is.

Yeah, that would have been a good role for you. Can we, just to close out the show, can we get you in Pentatonix once and for all? They're listening to this. I'm sure one of them is. This is your audition.

One of them is definitely listening. There were five. You remember when you said I look a lot like the lead singer for Pentatonic? Right. Here's the real tip. La la la. Does that sound familiar?

Here's the real thing. If I got to meet Pentatics in real life i would lose i don't know i would get excited about that i would be like weird with them is there five of them there were five now they're four oh they're quadratonics they lost their their, their guy who does bass. Oh. What happened? Yeah. I think he just was done touring, and he wanted to settle down and have a family. Mm-hmm. Okay?

So sometimes you have to make choices. Well, maybe we could audition that part. Like, I would be the bass? Well, that's what we need, right? Okay. I mean, I did sing second alto in the, that's what we need, right? Okay. I mean, I did sing second alto in the women's chorus at the University of Evansville. I know it's no Northern Illinois.

Boo. Yeah, no one booed that. That's cool. So what's a song with a good bass part? Well, the song that we sang in the hall was O Magnum Mysterium, but do you not know that one? I don't. Do I know O Magnum Mysterium? Do I know that one?

Uh, yeah. Is that your fight song? Or like Alma Mater? What? Never mind. No, it's like a real slow, like... Is that the song that plays while Magneto's moving the whole baseball stadium?

Probably. Over the scene? Honestly, probably. All right. That's X-Men? Then I know it, yeah. Yeah. All right.

We've had a lot of success referencing X-Men in our live shows. Can we hear? Leonard, it's gone beyond pretending to be a little bit older to like when you go like, that's X-Men? It's as if you are from the moon. Not everybody knows what I do know what X-Men is. I'm a fan of that world.

Obviously. Thor, real. I like those movies. I love Thor. Sign me up for Thor. Okay, we're getting a little farther away from the X-Men. I love that Ragnarok, right? And he showed up in the most recent one.

Avengers, you know, the whole, we had to get the jewels, all that. Yeah. Yup. I don't remember the plots, but I do like them. I've been trying to get you to sing a song what do you want what do you want was something with a bass part we already know it okay is it that crazy you don't have to do that you want me to do ike uh sure and maybe not all of it but just like the singing stuff. Okay. Yeah, got it. Lift a good job in the sea down in the city.

Working for the man every night and day. Come on! Yeah, yeah. Come on! And I never lost one minute of sleepin' I was worried about the way things might have been Yeah, yeah And we'll keep on turnin' At the prize, and we'll keep on burnin' And we're rolling. Rolling.

Rolling. You guys, you got the bass part. Rolling on the river. Oh, sorry. I guess we got into Pentatonix. I didn't even mean to do that. Thank you for coming to our show. Thank you, Chef Kevin.

It's Chef Kevin's birthday. Thank you, Chef Kevin. It's Chef Kevin's birthday. Thank you, Chef Kevin. Thank you, Lennon Parham. Good night. Good night. That was a HeadGum Podcast.