Hollywood Handbook - Listeners, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

Sean and Hayes give a generous Christmas gift to all of their listeners by accepting calls from some of them. Topics include the cities where all of them live, the missed opportunity of 12/13/14, the punk legacy of Louis Reed, and Chanson.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I say to Glenn, Hump-lick, you can come in. Tom stays outside because if he comes into the party, I know, like, he's going to pull some prank and I'm going to end up sniffing his butt. if he comes into the party, I know he's going to pull some prank and I'm going to end up sniffing his butt. Glenn unlocks my cellar door without me seeing. Tom gets inside.

Sure enough, just before the party is over, he comes in in the butt man outfit and I'm sniffing on it real good. But what he doesn't tell you, and I don't feel bad about letting this out at all, when he puts that costume on, that's not his real butt.

Oh, well, then you're protected in a way. Yes, it certainly didn't smell like a real butt. And so me as a fan before that, the experience of sniffing the fake butt was like, I don't- I believe it's a bum. In this case, it's a bum. Do you know what I mean? Well, see, that's-

Because it's the bum bum song. That's a distinction. And his case, it's a bum. Do you know what I mean? Well, see, that's... Because it's the bum bum song. That's a distinction. And his bum was on the Swedish. If you recall... Hey, do you ever go out and, like, go to that Swedish and, like, take pictures and stuff? Yes, I've had some family events at the Swedish. My daughter's christening. What else did we do at the Swedish?

Oh, my niece is quinceañera. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. I just got a kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Yes, showbiz. Yes, what up, what up? And more like holiday handbook than Hollywood handbook because it is a holiday season. It is time for it to be Christmas. We like to do something special for Christmas, which is we like to give gifts.

And the gift that we want to give this year is to our listeners allowing – basically what we want to do is allow our listeners to participate in the show. We're going to do our first call-in episode. This is going to be probably the only one we ever do until next Christmas. It's going to be very bad. Everyone who's calling in has no experience in performing or public conversation of any kind. They probably have some stuff prepared that's not going to land.

Yes, they most likely have an idea of something very funny to do or ask. And I think it's going to fall flat on its face. And I think it'll make me look bad because I'll be working with an amateur. And that can sometimes make even a professional like a Hayes or a Sean look like a fucking dickwad. It'll make us sound like we're struggling when really... When we're so funny. Yes, they are struggling.

Yes, it's just being too close. It's being right next to something and having the light of their failure reflected on you. And so that's what makes it a gift. It is a sacrifice for us. It's something that we should not be doing. I'm willing to put a bad show out in the world i have no reason to do on it uh

as a gift just for the five or six people who um who end up calling in so when you do call if you're listening if you called you can't hear this right now uh because there's not it's not being broadcast anywhere except through the phones but the number is three four seven five one four wolf three four seven five one four nine six five three you can't hear this again it's not there's nowhere that it's being played and that number again is three four seven something something wolf and if you listened and you wrote it down then you're one better than me because I don't know what the number is, but please do know for next Christmas

or for if anything happens with time where you're able to move through time back to when we were recording this after listening and call in and hopefully be a better caller and you know who I'm talking to. Yes. Pauly Shore. And if we do this again and it's not Christmas,

then you know we're in huge trouble. Well, you know that that's been prescribed to us by Jeff O'Rich type. And don't let us say later that it was because this one went really well or something like that. It's not going to go very well. It'll be because of something like we didn't get a guest like the very last second yes and that happens to us uh so shall we take a call intern andy is um is is is feeding calls through how does how we how does this how does this happen How do we do this? Is it through the computer? Yeah, I can.

This is Brett. Hey, I have all the calls here. I can just feed them to you guys. He's pointing at a screen for listeners. Engineer Brett's pointing at a screen when he says, I have all the calls here. So the calls are. So I control the boards.

Okay. And I can tell you guys the name of the caller. And the calls will be in the headphones? Yes. Okay. They'll be fed directly to the headphones. Power trip. I control the boards. And did you see how he puffed himself up when he said it?

I let him have that kind of stuff when he says that. Okay, Brett, well, go ahead and control the boards and give us a phone caller. Okay, here's Mike from Chicago ahead and control the boards and give us a phone caller. Okay, here's Mike from Chicago. Oh, okay. Hello? Mike? Hello?

Hey, Mike? Yes. Hey, guys. Hi. Hello? Can you hear us? Yeah, can you hear me? Yes.

How are you, Mike? Are you from the forums? I am, yeah. I'm Salajesse Rafael. Oh, Salajesse Rafael. Congratulations on the pro version. Yeah, thank you. That was great.

I do that dance all the time. Oh, he's from the Tracy Wakefield episode. Yes, good memory. Good memory, Mike. Mike, you're from Chicago. You must eat that big pizza. Yeah, the thick pizza. Yes.

I've heard that on the bridge it smells like chocolate at night. It smells like chocolate all downtown. Yes, I've heard that. And what's doing that? Is there chocolate? Is it Willy Wonka or something over there? I mean, that sounds nice. Yeah, I think there Is it Willy Wonka or something over there? I mean, that sounds nice. Yeah, I think there's a Willy Wonka factory downtown and the

wind blows it. Pause, Mike, pause. Mike, pause. And do people sort of see how it feels like Hayes and I are up in this tower and we can't talk to normal people. But if you are interested and a student of life in this country, then just from hearing someone's town, you can make great conversation.

And that can come into play in the Hollywood industry, can't it, Hayes? Yes, and just to continue the great conversation we were having about the pizza, I got to tell you, Mike, I prefer a nice, big, wet slice of New York pizza. And I don't think that big Chicago pizza is any good at all. And so what do you say about that? I like the New York pizza with the big, chunky tomato, and it's got water all over the top. That's not a meal, though. The Chicago pizza is like a meal.

You know, it's so thick. He eats more than one slice, though, Mike. You can eat as many slices in New York, Mike mike you can eat as many slices that you is in new york mike you can eat as many slices as you want and i don't know what they're doing in chicago where they only let you have one big slice and then they say that's your meal for the day and nearly no water on the top and tell me if that's not true you can you can have more than one slice you can get a whole pizza in that it's just going to be more food but people are probably fatter here well you can share in new y slice. You can get a whole pizza in that. It's just going to be more food. But people are probably fatter here. Well, you can share in New York, Mike.

You can share it. You can share the pizza. They do let you, yes. And the police won't be mad. You can share it with the police. Who are heroes. Yes. And let me tell you something else.

The water is what makes it so good in New York. It's that good water, and that's why you can't find it here. They have to bring in the water to other places to make the pizza so good. Because it has... You have to fly it in a chopper. It has sodium particles. Yes. Okay.

I didn't know that. I was just thinking you could put any sort of water. I know you don't know it. I know you don't know that. You don't have to say you don't know that. I was just thinking you could put any sort of water. I know you don't know it. I know you don't know that. You don't have to say you don't know something. When we tell you something, and then you take it, and then if you meet someone from New York now, you have something to talk about,

just like I had the good chocolate story, and he's had the good pizza. And so all of this is for your benefit, so you don't necessarily have to tell us you don't know that. We know you don't know that. Okay, okay, I understand. Mike, is there something in particular you wanted to say that you were

calling about um mike did you go see when obama won when you do pause for one second when obama won did you go see obama do his whole like the whole rally the big celebration at the zoo or wherever that was he's from chicago uh no, I didn't end up going to that. Thank God. There's so many people down there. Okay, because the whole thing, it's like, what is he, you know, if people remember this, when he got elected, it was like he was some big celebrity and going up there

and almost basically acting like a movie star. And they set up a whole stage for him, and everyone's supposed to show up and say like oh congratulations i wish he was just folks and i like my president to be folks like me yes just don't make just don't make such a big deal out of it stop acting so smart all the time and just tell me what's it did you know did you accomplish a mission or not? It's fine to be president. It doesn't have to be such a big celebration of you every day. Yes.

Is that what you wanted to talk about, Mike? I know you had started to try to say something. Is that what it was? Yeah, that was it exactly, actually. Okay, you were just going to tell us you didn't go to the Obama thing? Okay, well, thanks so much, Mike. It's been really cool. And please, do...

What do I want to tell Mike to do? Take care of your body. Yes, Mike, please take care of your body for us, okay? Do you guys have any tips on how to do that? Oh, we were just so close to a nice conclusion to the call.

Yes, a nice clean exit. Instead, there's going to be sort of this trail off where we're discussing what he did, and then he just gets cut off, and then he rolls right into a new collar. Should we just do that? Well, I almost wish Engineer Brett had just taken that as his cue to do that. Okay, bye, Mike.

Nice guy. Next caller? Please. This is Chanson. I just need a little break. Chanson. Okay, I would love to have gotten this out of the way first. Yes.

If we do this again, Brett, Chanson, just be quiet for one second, okay? If we do this again, put Chanson there first. Get him out of the way. Yes, when I still have the energy to deal with a Chanson there first get him out of the way when I still have the energy to deal with a Chanson type I'd like to get that going right away and then get that out of the system and then we can sort of just have a nice show

okay Chanson first short and sweet he does his thing and then we move on to the rest of the callers and that number again is 349 something something the rest is fair game

after that oh any order you want okay okay Chanson hey hi guys Chanson how are you it's really nice to talk to you. Thanks for calling in.

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you guys really feel that way, but yeah. No, we do. We do. And you're one of our earliest fans, and you always have some constructive criticism for the show. And we're, you know, we're always trying to get better for you. And so we do appreciate it. So rare that I feel like a fan of ours

thinks I have so much to learn from them. Do you know what I mean, Chanson? A lot of times they're just enjoying the show. It's hard to enjoy the show with you on it, Sean. I don't know. I love Hayes. What? Hayes, you're doing great.

What? He's being fake mean. That's his thing. He likes to be a fake mean guy. Okay, this is a kind of humor, and we haven't covered this in our segments at all, but this is the kind of humor that's starting to really get in vogue with the young folks. And it is a mean humor.

Small killings. And it is having a mean joke. And sometimes I'm not even sure if it is a joke. Like, let's look at the anatomy of this joke. It's hard to enjoy the show with you on it. And that said to me. Right. Who is the show?

Who is big part of the show and a nice guy and smart, nice, funny. No, like I'm sure, I'm sure you're nice. Like, I think you're probably a great person.

I'm like, I'm sure you are. Well, see, this is all the other shoe is on its way toward the floor. I already feel it. Chanson, don't finish that thought.

I can't bear it. Chanson. Don't finish that thought. I can't bear it. Chanson, are you on that little forest island where you live in Seattle? I am, yeah. I'm on Vashon Island. Yeah, is that the one where the bike is in the tree? It is,

yeah. Yeah, I know. I know about that. And are you drinking coffee because Seattle? I mean, I'm drinking Coke Zero, if I can plug that. Okay, so no. That's just a no. Yeah, yeah, it's a no. Jansen, why do I know all these things about you?

Why do I know that you're going to school and that you live on this little island? Why do I have that you're going to school and you're, and that you live on this little Island and like, why do I have all this information? Well, I can think of a few different ways. Cause I'm on the show. I'm the one on the show. I'm talking to you.

And yet somehow I have all this information about you that I'm not using in my daily life. I know more about you than I know about me. You know what I mean? It just is weird to me. It's weird to me too. I'd love to hear more about that. About all the stuff I know about you? You have a dog?

I do. I do. Beard? Yep. Yeah, I have a beard. It's too much. It's too much. It's stuff that I'm carrying around. A lot of opinions on the world and politics and finance and everything. You're a men's rights activist. I know that about you.

I respect that a lot. A lot of classic rants. There's a lot of Chanson rants, you know? Chanson goes on the forums a lot, and he'll speak up for... This is a group that has not always gotten a fair shake certainly in recent years which is white men and they're being marginalized

yes and that is what I appreciate when Chanson does that on the forums I say see this is useful this is a voice that we don't have out there and here's what we don't think about and Chanson has pointed this out is when you do take a group that has been underrepresented because they're a smaller group yes and you try to put them at the forefront

someone is a victim and the victim 99.9 of the time plus 0.1 which means always is white men like chanson would you agree with that i mean i mean you've said as much i don't i don't know if that's how i would characterize that debate but that's definitely an opinion some people have and that's i guess okay and i appreciate that there's it's it's it's someone has there's so many people out there now that are talking about civil rights for like only a select group and talking about that only a certain number of people's lives matter and you're there saying which i appreciate shouldn't everyone's lives matter like why is it that like only these guys lives matter

right like what about me does my life does my life not matter right yeah that seems extremely mean it's like just because certain people were undervalued doesn't mean I've been overvalued. And can't I get even more of what I've had? And I also wanted to bring up with you, Chanson, because you did something so cool on the forums recently. And you had a rant of yours. And then you sort of threatened to, you know, lay some real hard truths on me and Hayes. And this was your phrasing, drop the mic afterwards. And the image that creates of a comic on stage,

and I've seen some do this, where they let go of the microphone and it falls to the stage, and that's sort of such a definitive ending. Is that cool, what you did? Well, I think if you go back and look at what I said, I said that if... I'd rather not. I'd actually rather not go back and look at it. No, no, no. I just want to talk about the concept of dropping the mic.

I'm doing the show. And the sort of new, fresh idea of dropping the mic. Chanson, is your dog around? She is, yeah. She's right here. Can I talk to your dog real fast? Put her on the phone, yes. Yeah, if you want to.

Okay. She would love that, I bet. Okay, tell me when she's going to be on. And what's her name? All right, she's on. Her name's Dradle. Okay. Dradle?

All right, she's on right now. Dradle? Run. Go, Dradle. Dradle, get out of the house as fast as you can. It's not safe for you there. Drado, there's a car waiting for you outside. Right into the forest.

Bite him on his rear end and go. Go out the door. Go at night. Go however you can move. Go at night. There's a car waiting at the corner. When you get in, they have dog food. They have everything you need

you'll come to me in a haze it's not easy because that's why he lives on an island so it's harder for you to escape oh hey Chanson what's up how are you hi dude hi guys did you guys like talking to Dreidel was that fun for you guys

she's a very nice baby she's a very sweet baby girl and we're pulling for her. And good question. She's pretty great. Jansen, thank you so much for listening to the show, and you were a fan of the reality show show for a long time, and we really appreciate it.

And if you can tell, we are listening to you, and I think you can hear when you listen to the show your criticisms being considered and actually making the show your criticisms being considered and actually making the show better. Can you hear that? I mean yeah. Okay. Okay. Good.

Okay. I'm glad you can hear it. Well Chanson thank you so much for calling in. Brett? He's gone. He's gone. Okay. That's what happens when he's not, when he's. He has to be first. Yes. I see what you mean.

You have to have him first. Yeah. Do we just roll right through or do we take some kind of. I don't know. Is there anything. Deep breath. How many people do we have on the line? It's completely lit up.

Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. We got like seven calls. Really? That's what completely lit up. What does that mean? We got like seven calls. Really? That's what completely lit up is? Yeah, don't say the number so they can hear it. Okay.

Should we check in with Andy really fast? I guess so, yeah. Let's see what he's doing. Hang on one second. Andy! Sweetie! Sweetie! I'm screening. Okay.

I'm going to put you on hold Sam just come in real fast and it's like he's making friends with them and he's sort of using this opportunity and I can't blame him hi Andy

hey how's it going pretty good wow so what like when these people call in what do they do

do they they just mostly just say their name and then I say thanks and then I put them uh okay in the in the queue are you having a longer conversation than that when we open the door and i wonder are you making friends with them and is this a some sort of dating service and can i can i say something else sure first of all don't please don't try to date any of the callers

sean okay is a good point second what is the name of the job that you're doing? Screener. Okay. You seem to think that means let them all, like if you picture a screen, okay, it's designed to keep out mosquitoes. Right. Yeah, that's what it's for. Yeah. Yes.

What can get in is like a cool breeze can get through a screen. Yes, a cool breeze. Something refreshing. But what can't get in is a mosquito or Shanson. Yes, the human mosquito. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think I get it.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, so now go be a good screen in like a nice country house. What if they just come on and say like, hey, my name's Sam and I don't know who. Well, then you have to ask more questions. Oh, okay. You have to try to tease out what their intentions are. Andy, and me and Hayes love science so much, and I think I have a nice way to sort of illustrate this.

Are you familiar with a semi-permeable membrane? Oh, yeah. I think I remember. Yes, in cells. No, they don't teach that in high school. You're thinking of something else. And so what my science teacher, one of the many good ones i've had used to say and this is truly what he used to say in my high school back when they did teach it in high school is some elements can

get through the membrane for them it's permeable but others when they hit the wall, no ticky, no washy, you can't get in. So that's a good thing to say to someone like Chanson. If there's a Chanson, you just say, thank you for calling. No ticky, no washy, you can get in. Okay. I'm going to keep that in mind, and I am going to see what I can do about it. Thanks, Andy. And calls are coming through now, and so you're going to want to get back on the phone there

and shut the door. Already taking too long. Okay. Who do we have? Brett. Let's give us some options. How about that? Okay.

There's Sam, Grant, Burger Ho, Bozos, Anastasia. Okay. Oh, let's have a refreshing female voice so people know that that's okay to be a woman and be a fan of ours Here's Anastasia Anastasia

Hi guys This is Hayes talking How are you Anastasia? I'm doing well, how are you guys doing? We're doing very well I think we settled on I believe your name is Anastasia I'm doing well how are you guys doing we're doing very well yes yeah I think we settled on I believe your name is Anastasia now isn't that right Hayes didn't we decide to have a fancier pronunciation for your name yes I think that was right because it matches the Vigo better who if you remember was the villain in Ghost Breakers. I haven't seen that movie.

Oh, Anastasia, you have to. Where are you from? You're from the Bay Area, is that right? Oh, Arizona. What makes me think you were in the Bay Area? Well, I live in Oakland now. I see. Well, I think, actually, just win, baby.

The Ghost movie takes place in, parts of it are in Arizona. The end of it where the marshmallow is coming through, that part is in Arizona. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, don't say mm-hmm if you haven't seen it. Say, oh, that's interesting. Oh, that's interesting. Thank you. Arizona, what an interesting place well it's it's heat down there

oh it's a dry heat what's interesting to me is you have in arizona the phoenix cardinals and it's like the the phoenix is already a bird yes so it's really like saying the bird birds and is it the phoenix a burnt up regular bird that now has powers of fire so it's very strange and the same for the phoenix suns that's an interesting thing because then you're saying like a bird with sun powers firebird suns yeah and then it's like you're you're almost repeating you're it's less interesting to have a sun than a phoenix and when a bird gets lit on fire doesn't it just get cooked and can you explain that to me why your town is uh wrong like that?

Well, they're not really great decision makers down there, so I think that... And that's why you had to leave, I guess. The court scenes are just... Right. Did you call up to talk about when that government woman got shot there? Because that's a very sad topic for the show. It's not really...

Yes, I will say, Anastasia, it's not really an appropriate conversation to talk about Gabrielle Giffords on this program. We usually talk about Hollywood and happy TV and movies. I mean, I guess Palin's in the Hollywood world and she did put out a hit on her, but I don't think that in itself is enough of a reason to call. So did you have a better reason? What did you want to say, Anastasia? Well, I was thinking about how long you guys have been in the industry.

Sobering, yes. Not something I like thinking about. How do you stay relevant, I guess? How do you stay interesting, I guess? How do you stay interesting? Callers like you. I mean, is that what you want to hear? We can see what you're getting at. And you wanted to say that being friends with Anastasia

is what keeps us relevant. And she tells us about all the cool Christmas music and stuff on the forums. She gives us a picture of her dog. It's the thing that made it all be we now are good at Hollywood. Okay. I mean, it's for you guys. I'm sorry. I can't do it.

You can't? No, I can't do it. I can see what she wants. I was going to suck it up and do it, Anastasia, but Hayes just can't do it. You can't? No, I can't do it. That's, you know, I can see what she wants. I was going to suck it up and do it, Anastasio, but, you know, Hayes just can't, and I now sort of see where he's coming from. We have to have a certain amount of integrity on the show, and that's what you like about it,

is that we are being real, and we are being raw. And if we were to give that out as real advice to all our listeners, that being friends with you is how to stay relevant in Hollywood, that wouldn't be fair to all of them because it's not true. That would be like supporting a product in our advertisements that we don't personally love. Yes.

Like the guy who makes the poop music. I'm saying that would be an example. If we didn't like that music, to clarify, and we were doing an advertisement for it, that would be a lie. That would be wrong. Please. Please.

So you're a big fan of that music? Yes, I'm saying that we really like it. That's why we do advertisements for it saying it's good. The musicianship and the funniness, the combination of the two. You could just play a song, or you could just say the word poop, and either one of those would be pretty good. But the concept of doing both simultaneously, well, I've got to tell you, Anastasia,

I'm jealous I didn't think of it first, because it seems like... It seems like... He's got to bail me out. I don't have an end to my sentence. It seems like a good music. Oh, gosh. Yes, hello.

Now we're really talking. And so we've turned down... Excuse me. Pause for one second. We've turned down ads for stuff like Sony and like penguin books things like that stuff that we don't endorse in order to do stuff we do endorse like the poop music does that make sense to you now anastasia does it do you understand now why the we're trying to get you were trying to get us to say it wasn't really

fair to the other listeners? Yeah, I completely understand. Thank you for explaining it to me. It might make there not be any artists. It might make there not be any artists, yes. And would you like that? I doubt it. Or maybe you would.

No, I wouldn't like that. Well, they're all friends with you now instead of being artists. I mean, that's what you're really trying to create. And I don't think we always think about the consequences of these things. We're trying to get Snooze to be a sponsor. You know, the smokeless tobacco. What do you think about that? Would that be a good fit for our show? Do you have any contacts there?

Do you snooze? Yeah, are you snoozing now? I don't, actually. You're not snoozing. What's your brand? But I quit a while ago. Oh, what's your flavor? Oh, you are used to snoozer.

That's right. So what's your brand now? Kodiak. I quit smoking. Skol. I want to try and be healthy. We know you quit smoking, but what do you dip with now? Yes.

Obviously you quit smoking, but what do you dip with now? Yes. Obviously you quit smoking. What do you shove in your maw and periodically spit into some sort of water bottle or whatever you have on you in order to get the same buzz from smoking without all that nasty inhalation? Probably a nice English breakfast tea. Oh, okay. Wow. That can work. All right.

Well, I didn't think you'd have an answer, but Anastasia, you... It gets me so jittery when I do that. I can't really do, you know. Oh, yes. And my body's just changing and i actually used to be able to handle that stuff yeah and i actually heard it's a carcinogenic and you should use white tea is the one that they bleach they bleach the carcinogen ah

good to know thanks anastasia do you guys snooze yes we sno we snooze. That's the whole thing. We love to snooze. The snooze is loose. Hit the snooze button. You know? Okay, Brett, Brett, Brett. Bye. Nice girl. Who is she? She must be somebody's mom or something.

Some male listener's mom. And he wanted to play it in the car, and then she sort of got used to it that way. No, I think he's just making her call in and pretend to be, because he knows that, just for balance. Well, is it Viggo Mortensen? I mean, is it actually Viggo Mortensen? He didn't want to get too far away from his real name. Yes. Who else do we have?

There's Sam. There's Grant. Burger Ho. Bozos. AJ. They're all staying on the line. Bruce Reed. Robinson.

Oh, my God. They just have nothing else. Another Sam. We've got to move faster through these guys because I feel bad that we don't get to a lot. I couldn't put all of them on at once, too. That sounds terrible. Well, we could do that at the end. What a fitting, awful conclusion.

Yes, that would be nice to have all of them at once. Who should we take now? Let's take Burger Ho. Okay, yes. Burger Ho is on the air. Hi, Burger Ho. And let's use use real names let's use real names for this isn't it brian or something it is it is brian yeah burger is just uh like an acronym okay oh and calm down please oh okay yeah it sounds like you're speaking from an apartment that you just moved into.

You haven't really quite furnished it yet. Is that right? Yeah, there's a lot of dead walls, not a lot of furniture, not a lot of carpet. Yes, that's what it sounds like. I wish I could do something about that, but here we are. And so you're from Boston, is that right? I'm from California. I'm from San Diego. I go to school out here in Boston.

Okay, so. Bolt up. Bolt up? Yeah, San Diego. Bolt up, yeah, indeed. Well, what do you think about all this freedom trail stuff? Seems like everyone's going to Boston these days, and it's this big fad now to walk the freedom trail.

These kids are all doing this, and I don't fully understand it. And can I say this before you even answer? A car should be a car, a boat should be a boat, and a duck, ladies and gentlemen, should be a duck. If it looks like a duck, well, it certainly shouldn't drive and be able to get drive on water. That is not okay with me. Sorry, science.

Back to the drawing board and rant over. And now you can talk, Brigger Ho, Brian. I completely agree. I've actually made it an initiative to not do any of the historical stuff here. I haven't done the Freedom Trail. Certainly haven't been on a duck tour. I've tried to learn as little as possible about the city. It's so misleading

to call it a duck tour because you pay all that money for it. I'd love to go on a duck tour. And you're expecting to see a bunch of ducks. Well, I thought we'd go underwater and we'd them their feet moving when they're swimming because there's such a calm on the surface but underneath their feet are churning like mad and isn't that actually visualize that metaphor which is the one by which

i live my life would be so helpful for my future just day to day because i'm thinking about it so much that's the life of an artist. Yes, that's the life of an artist. On the surface, it's calm, and on the inside, just beneath the surface, there's so much turmoil. But then you go on the tour, and they don't show you any ducks,

and if you do see a duck, and you try to get them to stop, they won't stop. They just keep going. Oh, and by the way, if you chase the duck, and if you happen to get lucky and catch it, you can get arrested. And speak on that.

And isn't it kind of dangerous to be just arresting every duck chaser when there's actually real crime guys out there? I think it's super dangerous because they're not. I mean, a lot of these people are tourists. They're not from Boston proper. They don't know the rules. Okay, Brian, don't pander to me. You're going to get arrested. It is a priorities

issue with these police. The hands up, don't shoot thing doesn't make total sense to me because if you put your hands up, the duck will fly away. Fly away. Exactly. Or the breadcrumbs are going to fall out. And then if you don't get arrested, what are you supposed to do for the rest of the day?

I just heard my own voice because you're listening to us through the computer, right? Or through the radio or something? Is that what's happening, Brett? Yes. Because it scared me because I wasn't talking and then I heard myself talking again. Well, I thought someone was making fun of you. See, now I just heard you.

Well, now I feel like they're making fun of me. It's making me very uncomfortable and scared. Brian, we have to... Brian, we have to go. We have to go. We have to go. Thanks, Brian. Brian, thank you so much,

and I'm sorry, and good luck with your burger hoe thing. He's gone. That was paralyzing with fear. To hear your own voice when you are not the one who's speaking

chilled me to the bone, and I felt like I was in Jeepers Creepers 2. Let's shuffle through these. Grant? Should we talk to Grant? Okay. Okay.

Who is Grant? Yes, this is sort of a mystery character. Hello, Grant? What up, what up? What up, what up? Hi, Grant. My name is Grant. Hi, Grant.

Are you from the forums? Yeah, I'm Charlie Murphy Brown. Oh, Charlie Murphy Brown. Oh, baby. Well, thank you for... And your latest song, Charlie Murphy Brown, can I say, took some real steps in the right direction for me because I noticed that I could hear some of the things

I had been saying and Hayes had been saying, and it was so much nicer than hearing. Sometimes people put these songs, and I don't know who's even making the noise. Charlie Murphy Brown is a listener of ours. He's sort of an eccentric musical genius who's not really for society, not really for being in society. Would you agree with that?

Yeah. I would agree with that wholeheartedly. What's your living situation? I'm in Arizona. You're in Arizona as well. Okay. In a home or just around?

Yes, I'm in a home and I would only say that the Phoenix Cardinals... Is Arizona kind of what you would say is your house? Oh, talk about the Phoenix Cardinals. This is actually interesting to me, yes. Yes, now that the Arizona Cardinals, they were the Phoenix Cardinals before that. They were from St. Louis, and they originated in Chicago back in like the 30s. See, this is the kind of thing we want to talk about is sports history.

So thank you, Charlie Murphy Brown. Talk about the Diamondbacks. They won the World Series in 2001. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, lay it on me. I got all day. You called. Yeah.

Hypothetically, which of you two would win in an arm wrestling match? Oh, I shudder to think. Everyone loses. Everyone loses if we do that. And I will say perish the thought to something like that because the idea of hurting Sean is so antithetical to what I'm trying to do in my life. Or being hurt by Sean would be so much greater than a normal injury. If I'm hurt by Hayes, I never trust again.

Yes. Mm-hmm. So what about a thumb war? And see, you're not understanding. Get it through your thick skull, Charlie. We don't want to battle each other, Charlie Murphy Brown. It's not a competition. We're just not in this to have battles with each other who are supposed to be our friends.

Okay? So what you should be doing is, I think, sticking to having musical thoughts. When you think, you mostly think in trumpet noises, right? Trombone, but yeah. Trombone, yes. Okay. So, yes. I'm sorry, go ahead.

No, I had nothing. We forgot to say pause. Please, you bailed me out. Please, I was... Collectively, what's your guys' favorite novel that if you want to work together on something with two minds... Our favorite novel?

If you come up with a... Collectively? Novel, yeah. Yeah. I guess we could say it at the same time. Mm-hmm. Catcher in the Rye. Mockingbird.

You gotta read this book, Charlie. You gotta read Catcher in the Rye. If you haven't read it, it'll explain everything for you. Especially in this town, the idea of phonies being something you don't like oh baby can i tell you that that is really something relevant in my life and you realize that there are lots of phonies out there but there are some people who are cool and actually get it like holding cauliflower and the details of all of having a crazy red hunting hat on. Yes.

And can we return to the subject of ducks? There's lots of interesting duck questions in there. Oh, yes. Where do they go when the ice is frozen? And something to think about, did Mr. Antolini really do anything wrong or was it just a situation that could possibly be interpreted as wrong because he'd never got a chance to really explain? Was he just being a friendly teacher? Are you a secret slob?

Like that devilish stradladder? Keeping his razor unclean meanwhile he's off making time with a girl? Am I the slob? Is that the question? Are you a secret slob? See, you don't understand because you haven't read the book and I could tell when you first called in that you haven't read it.

Oh, we can hear it in your voice if you haven't read this book. You're a real Prince Ackley kid. And so that's something. There's just a hint of phoniness. But if you read this book, you'll wash it right out, I promise you. All right. Did you guys know today is 12, 13, 14? You know, I did know that.

And what I think is a missed opportunity is they should have come out with a movie today there should have been the cool count it should have been about well it should have been a movie called 15 yes they should have made a movie called 15 no that that's right the movie should have been called 15 yes or 11 or 11 I mean 11's maybe better. Because you should say the name of the movie first. C-11, 12, 13, 14. Yes. Imagine. Imagine how big that movie could have been. At 15 o'clock.

I'd watch it. It could have been about a group of robbers. Mmm, yes. Or what else could it have been about? What's something that... Don't do that to me. What? He keep...

I say, mmm, yes, and then he goes, mm, yes. And I know I'm not hearing me coming out of your computer, and I know you are making fun of me this time. It's a fake version of you, yes. Oh, no, I'm not making fun of you for sure. That's yes and. I've learned two tricks from listening to podcasts, what these people do to seem like they are, you know,

not just a phony like you were saying. They make noises in the spaces, and it's interesting. And see, this is what I'm talking about. Like, I can tell that you just want to be speaking at Troubones, and that spoken conversation is not your natural form of communicating. Yes, you're mimicking my sound. You're following it with a similar sound,

which is what you would do in music. If I'm playing a C, then you just play a C. And you know how the circle of fifths works. But that's sort of what you're doing here in conversation is I make the noise and then you go like, hmm, yes, to sort of trail off of it. And that's not what people like. No, no, no, no, no. But Charlie, thank you.

Charlie, we have a famous person coming in really soon. So pause on you and also hang up. Thank you, Charlie. Shout out. Just missed the shout out. He nearly got his shout out out and you almost want to start with your shout

out because you really don't know how much time you'll have. Maybe some of the time spent mocking me could have been spent shouting out. Okay. We got a lot of people to go through, huh? Sam's been waiting for 47 minutes. Okay. Let's talk to Sam.

Okay, Sam. This better not be engineer Sam. Better not be engineer Sam. Better not be, but it probably is. Hello. I am no engineer. Hello. Hi. Hi. It does sound a little bit

like him, doesn't it? And isn't that the first thing you would say if you were engineer, Sam? Yes. Hi, Sam. What's your name on the forums? I got the pro version last week, thank you very much. I was Velvet Revolver and Nico. Yes, Velvet Revolver and Nico.

Yes, and we love music as well. And we know that's an homage to Louis Reed, who was a very close friend of ours. Edgy music. And don't you remember that one part of the movie where they played his songs? Very influential. Counterculture.

And I've heard that every person who saw the Velvet Underground play a concert went home and started a band. But only Donald Fagan wanted to start a band that was the polar opposite of what he'd seen. You see, the Velvet Underground was such a disorganized mess that he said,

I want to do some sort of measured precise studio friendly band. And that's why we have these different sounds, because I do appreciate Velvet Underground, but Steely Dan's named after a dildo. Do you get it? Louis Reed, would you agree that he was the original punk?

Yeah, he's got to be. He has to be. And his story is so amazing of being brave enough to make this music that, you know, he wasn't sure that anyone would like, but people really did like it. And he ended up being very rich and dying in a huge, huge house. I think he was doing yoga in his backyard because he had nothing else to do because he was so rich. He never had to work again.

And isn't that just kind of like a great punk rock narrative when i put the money in my bank and that's a little joke about lewis reed's heroin song so what'd you want to say dipwad i'm fucking with you sam um i wondered if you guys were scared about these Sony hacks or if you guys are prepared for it because of Gmail roulette. It sounds like you have an answer to your question already. Well, he's got a good suggestion for an answer that we could use, and I'm going to take it. I'm prepared for it because of Gmail roulette.

I think I'm used to having my private emails exposed and glad that we did that brave practice. And we're also, they're not going to do anything to us because we're doing a movie about saving Kim Jong-un from Seth Rogen. Yes. That he's coming to kill Kim Jong-un

and we beat him up because... As a bit of counter-programming, when we heard that movie was being made, we sort of sniffed out the opportunity because we know they're not going to like having him get beat up by Jim Franco, Seth Rogen. And so what Hayes and I did was we put on our Captain America outfits. We're both Captain America in this one. One shield that we share. Yes. And when Seth and Jimmy are getting just so close,

and they're about to really land a big punch, that's when they get a shield in the kisser. Oh. Well, I think that necking is kissing sometimes, so I think it works both ways. We haven't finished editing, so we don't know where the shield hits them. We got to keep rolling through these, right?

Yeah, we do. Yeah, and you got your question out, and you should be satisfied with that. Thanks, man. And if you want to do a quick shout-out. Yeah, do a shout-out. He's gone. Oh, he's gone. Almost got that shout-out out. Brett, in the future, just let them say shout-out, and then you can do it.

Okay? Who's next? Bozos? Bozos, yeah. You're right. Hello, Bozos. Hey, fellas. Oh, Bozos. Hey, fellas. Oh, this is not how I expected the Bozos to sound.

Sorry, do I not sound like a clown? Yeah, well, that is sort of what I was expecting. Because if you name yourself Bozos, you are opening yourself up to people expecting you to be a clown. Well, what about Homie the Clown? What about him? He's not named Bozos, and he is a clown. I mean, what about him? What does that have to do with anything?

He is, but that is a funny character. I'm glad you brought him up. Because the idea of a black guy being silly in that way. And also a clown that don't play many things. People forget there's not just one thing that Homie don't play. There's a lot of things that Homie don't play.

You wonder how many other characters that show was gone before its time but how many other things they could have dressed up a black guy in that were funny. A place where you wouldn't expect to see him yes that's right and had him be kind of mean homie the fisherman yes uh homie the engineer frank i mean if you remember him before he left what was your what was your question we already did you're from Boston, right? We already did the duck tour conversation.

We did all that, yeah. No, you didn't. No, we did. Pause. Don't take credit. Pause. Yes, don't take credit for what we did. We did it, and you say you guys did that already. When we say we, we mean us, yes. You guys did that already, and we did it with

somebody else. Now, go ahead and... Sorry, you guys have already done that. So I just want to say that the way that Andy is portraying the way the call screening is going is not exactly the way it is. Thank you. We appreciate this because we only have his word to go on. What is actually happening out there?

I just hear a constant chittering from him in the other room, and he shouldn't be talking so much. And he should be quiet when he talks. Well, with me, he was getting really randy. Okay. Oh, this I was worried about. This I was really scared about. Because he's been randy on calls before,

and we heard him talk to Ms. Lapkus and I told him explicitly before I came in, I said, if you're going to screen these calls, do what you need to do and I think we all know in order to not be all horned up.

It is something about the phone for him and I've had this conversation with Rob where he gets a phone bill at the end of the month. And there are lots of these 1-900 numbers that are showing up in there. And Andy has this excuse that he's just, you know, he's trying to get video game cheats or something. And what Andy does, too, is he calls these 900 numbers and then he calls the credit card company and goes like, my card was stolen. Were there any charges? And it's like, you can't keep doing that.

Hang on. I think our celebrity is calling me. Okay. Locked out. We have a big celebrity coming bozos, but we, we, we are going to do your podcast.

Oh, great. We've already corresponded with you about that. And, um, and that'll just be a good lesson to all the other podcasts on your wolf. That if they asked us to do it, we would have done theirs,

but it's too late. So now we're going to do bozos podcast first. So you snooze, you loose, uh, if you, if you know what I mean. So,

um, thanks guys. I can't, it's just me now. I'm all by myself. Sean's out of the room and it's, it's, um,

I get a little anxiety, so just hang up. Okay. Um, who else is on the line? AJ, Bruce Reed Robinson, another Sam, Aztecs, Anthony. Oh, God. Another Anthony.

It's just too many. It's too many. British Andrew. It's too many. It's too many, Brett. What are we going to do? Put them all on at once? Do you want to?

Just me versus all the callers is a little too much for me to bear. I mean, I'm worried that it's just the sound that will just play in my head for eternity when they all say, like all those male voices. Hey! All it was. Can you imagine? I'm tempted. You know, I have a lot of power right now.

And Brett, I will admit that right now you do have a decision to make because you right now are capable of destroying me. If you put through all these 23 to 29-year-old men to try and talk to me at the same time. Hi, Sean's back. Is our celebrity able to get in? Yes, our celebrity's on the phone with me now and he's

coming in. Oh, okay. So I guess we should go through them all at once. And we'll just say, we'll put them on all at once and we'll say a little thing about each of them. And Thomas, if you're still on, one thing you should know is we are doing a live call-in show, so I've put you on speaker and all the callers that

we didn't have time for, we're going to just put on at once, and what a thrill for them to be on the phone with you as well. Oh, that's great. I'm the guy. Okay, put them all on. All right, I'm putting them through. So he's not going to be able to hear them. Okay,

you can't hear them, Tom, so we can't. And hi, everybody, and all, please speak at once hello oh man awful awful awful okay well we'll go through and say something about each of you aztecs you have a nice white cat and you came to our show that one time. That was nice. Say thank you. Thank you. That's true. AJ, you're a teacher, right? I am.

Yes, I am. Hi, Thomas. How are you? Have a seat. Who else is on the line? There's another Sam. Bruce Reed. Oh, Bruce Reed Robinson. You're Jason Manzoukas fan.

Some sort of scientist. Yes, you're a fan of too many other shows on the network. We don't necessarily want one of our primary forum members to have a different show as his avatar. Can I say something? This is to all of you, and tell your other forum people too. None of this C- plus stuff on the forums. No, like no you talking you to me references. No, like he likes chemicals.

So he's like Walter White or something. None of that. Not a single thing that isn't explicitly about our show. If I see another, like we want some frigging t-shirts or whatever it is on the forum. If that shows up in my forum again I'm shutting the whole thing down. The show's done. And it's a privilege. So try not to abuse that.

Whose background noise is that? Oh it's mine. Who's that? Who's mine? Dr. Blue Jeans. Dr. Blue Jeans. Hi Dr. Blue Jeans. Well thanks for Jeans. Hi, Dr. Blue Jeans. Well, thanks for talking basketball with me one time. Oh, yeah, that was fun.

Although I still don't think Rondo is a good fit for this. Please don't go any further. British Andrew is on the line. His avatar is the guy from the ocean movie Wes Anderson did. I don't know if that would have been my choice necessarily. Steve Zizou. Steve Zizou. Did you ever hear the soundtrack for that?

Oh my gosh, yes. Portuguese Bowie. It's great for running on the beach. I'll run on the beach and I'll play that Portuguese Bowie song. That's bad for your legs. On repeat. And who else is online? There's another Sam?

I'm here right now. Oh, what a sinister villain. Is that James Gumm from Sides of the Land? Jesus Christ. Who are you on the forums? I'm not on the forum. My dad doesn't let me go on. Oh, okay.

So how do you know about us? Is this a joke? No, I know you from the podcast. Okay, well, this is as good a time as any to wrap this up. I know you from the podcast. Yeah, no fucking shit, dude. That's what you're on. Okay.

Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. We did this as a gift to you, and the whole show we do is a gift, but this was an even bigger gift because you got to talk to us and to Thomas. Just do it. Oh, yeah, say hi, Thomas. Hi. He's saying hi. Don't you talk on the phone.

Take two, Thomas, and I know you know what that means. You're an actor. Hi. And action. Much better. Yes, much better. And we'll just do a mass hang-up now. Okay.

Shout-outs. Ba-ba-booey. Oh! Oh, God. Cody. Oh, Cody got into the wires. Okay, thanks. That was dissatisfying. Well, I know I'm late.

Yes. But I don't know what the hell happened. Well, we'll clear it up for you right after we sign off. You didn't show up on time, so we got nervous, and so we had to take hundreds of calls at the same time. Yes, and engineer Brett, back us up. That's how many. Now, please, thanks for doing the live call-in show, everybody. And talk to us on the forums.

Like us on Facebook. Rate us on iTunes. Write a nice review. Give us a high five using MailChimp. Hello, Serial. And everything else that you could possibly do to support us, please make sure you do it and come up with new ways. Thank you. Bye.

More effective ways. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. More effective ways. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production.

Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com TheWolfDead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.