Hollywood Handbook - Little Esther and Dave King, Our Couples Goals Friends

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

LITTLE ESTHER and DAVE KING return to share the true meaning of love. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Making a sculpted piece. Commissioned piece. Wealthy. Benefactor. A patron. Sean Fanning. Sean Fanning. Mm-hmm. Who was the benefactor? The wealthy benefactor?

I can't say. Okay, okay. I'm not allowed to say. Can you tell me what you said? There was a moment earlier where you kind of mumbled and like cupped your hand near the microphone. What were you saying then? I was reminding myself who it was. Let me just say, let me give a fake.

Let's say it was commissioned by Commissioner Gordon, and that will be a very easy way to remember it. Well, and that'll actually draw in a lot of our fans who are the outcasts, the weirdos, the misfits, the people who enjoyed batman so he you know i usually work in um marble clay that's your medium that's your medium is those but he has requested something that has a little more give that he can kind of like i guess press on like and like and honk parts of it and make possibly carve out little crevices. Yeah.

Scoop out little pieces. Yeah, exactly. And so I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it could be. I use different sauces. I heat them up. I wait for them to cool down until they have the right... Something that doesn't just completely fall apart that you will stand there, but will also leave a little indentation when you press it or honk it or whatever.

Lost in the sauce. So ultimately, it ends up just getting too late and I end up just having to... He shows up and I end up just standing very still like a statue well and and to be fair you have been sculpting your own body for years you've been free and it is actually my masterpiece i know you are you freeze pieces of your body and kind of smish them smish them in with different you know kitchen tools and stuff and it actually has been looking i think really cool lately not traditionally sexy or whatever whatever that means um what does that mean no it's true like why you know

why are we so limited in our definition of what's attractive when you have now sort of it looks like a fork on one side of your torso. And then on the other side, there's like a big bulbous kind of ladle shape. People say like, oh, you have a fork like a fork you eat in a kitchen. No, my torso forks before the legs. Uh-huh. And I took the one less traveled. Right? And so he walks in.

He does his... He hogs around for like 15-20 minutes. He said he would get bored and he did. And then he walked out. And I got my money. Hi to hollywood but dropping names and finding love in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call

showbiz and romance is it possibly the most special episode we've ever done it's a valentine's day episode and valentine's day is all year long for these two and for us as well um we want to introduce esther pavitsky little esther has a special has a new special. Uh-huh. Hot for my name. She's hot for her own name. Oh, my name gets me so fired up. Oh, I'm hot for my name. Oh. I want to pump my name.

It's not like that. It's like I'm hot for my name. Save it for the special. Okay. You can change it now. These things are Save it for the special. Okay. You can change it now. These things are all online. Just go in.

Yes. Go into YouTube. Click the bar. Open the tab. Adjust. It'll be next to the top line. Can you do that for me? No, because I'm not allowed on that site.

And you're not on YouTube? What happened? Well, we're going to get into all of our relationships today. And obviously, my wife, Stephanie Graff, has some restrictions on my web browsing now because of some of the YouTube videos I was watching. I've had to do that, too. I was watching dodgeball fails, and do that too. I was watching Dodgeball Fails and it was preventing me from doing my work. Your school work? And we want to say hi to Dave

just really quick. We want to say hi to Dave. Nasty DK. Ooh, the nasty man has entered the chat. And he's been a guest on the show too. They've both been a guest on the show. But never together. In the green room?

It's so crazy. It's so fun to be a part of this. And thank you for referring to me by all of the monikers that I prefer to be known as in Hollywood. I appreciate it. But it's great to be here. Nasty. Nasty man. The nasty DK.

They're in love. And she talks about it in the special the special is out uh kevin when does this get to air tuesday we're moving this one up huh we have a lot in the bank we are we're sure we're gonna move this one up we have some no offense bigger guests and and two of those episodes went really well why would i be offended that's such a compliment that the bigger guests are being pushed aside i'm just saying i'm saying maybe we don't decide now sure yeah tbd that's fine let's see what we get from these two because it's already aired it aired friday and it's going to stream on the Comedy Central app and it'll be in front of the paywall by August 2nd. So you guys are flexible when you can release. Most used app, Comedy Central app? For you in your life, when you think of an app,

when you go open an app on your phone, you go like, well, okay. So in my mind, I'm looking at Comedy Central. Look, if you can crack the code to finding the app, it will be your most used app when you rewatch Hot For My Name every night as you fall asleep because it puts you to bed. Sad. I like to ask people, you know the bar at the bottom of your iPhone that holds the four apps

that you always have on the screen? It's like... Wait, I want to look at it. You don't know what I'm talking about? Or did they get rid of this on the newer versions of the phone? Mine's off. Mine's a photo of some lady. And she's got a kid.

What? Wait, this is my family. But, okay, I guess, like, talk about your phone, Dave. I don't... I'm not sure I want to anymore. I think this maybe went off the rails. I think I talk about your phone, Dave. I don't, I'm not sure I want to anymore. I think this maybe went off the rails. I think I have an old phone or something. Is it nasty?

Yeah. Dave has a nasty phone. I have the iPhone nasty seven plus. And it has these apps at the bottom that I can't get rid of. And I was going to say like, oh, what does everyone keep on the bottom other than the comedy central app? But I think that might just be the nasty phone. All right. First world problems.

Guys got too many apps. Yeah. This, this is not a flex-a-thon. Sorry. This is, this isn't Hollywood flex book. It's a handbook and it's for advice and it's for learning and

we want to help people and a lot of people out there saying how do i how do i fall in love find romance how do i have someone do a special talk about what a uh what a little bitch i am yeah how can i get somebody to do a national special big uh audience and then just clown on my fucking happy meal ass the whole time people want to hear that it's a dream come true for me so the special are we sure like it definitely works you've tested make sure it works because we don't want to direct people to it and like it's like not working or no i don't know if it works or not i don't know do you need me to check that let me i can check i can see if it works. Hang on one second. I have no idea.

I just typed the letter C and it auto-completes. ComedyCentral.com slash miniplayer slash new special today. Let me see. Okay. Right now it is not working right now.

Okay. So that's not my problem. But they'll hear this and they'll get into it but you know i want to say the other side of the coin not everyone's gonna obviously get a special done about them but somebody might be saying how can i meet someone i do a whole special clown on their fucking happy meal ass the whole and i get to do it get out in front of the audience and just destroy them well he was originally in the special but he wouldn't sign his release so we had to cut him out that's true well i wanted to save you guys money because i'm a sag after member and i knew that if i were in it like and i'm not going to appear for i'm not

going to appear for just scale and it was a non-union Comedy Central situation. That's the problem. Exactly. You can just say Comedy Central special. You don't have to say non-union Comedy Central. Justin Bateman comes down the chimney. Exactly. Arrest your ass.

She's my first call. It's... Nothing? No. You started. Talk started talk no i don't want to say you got something to say what i really don't please leave me alone if you have something to say say one word to interrupt and then disrupt the timing of the podcast and then back away okay hey roper likes it huh yeah i thought that was just a famous chicago critic but it's actually a famous national critic

richard roper of ebert and roper you thought was like just the chicago guy yeah yeah did you think ebert was just a chicago guy i did but now i know well ebert likes britney murphy and ropert likes me so now i'm like britney murphy right you must have been knocked out when the jordan thing was airing and everyone could see it you were like i thought this was a chicago basketball player it's like no we actually and we have access to it as well. You guys know about Obama? Don't you feel... Well, I knew about him before you because I'm from Chicago. Before Hayes, I doubt it. Before me?

Don't you feel special that when your city has a thing that gets national attention and you're like, I knew first? This episode is about love. I don't have a city. I'm a citizen of the world now. Okay. You do have to be careful with Roper. I do want to, I mean, like they, obviously they call him that for a reason.

Stop. Yeah. I'm sick. He lassoes fillies. He does. That's why they call him that. He's one of the most renowned ropers of fillies in the entire nation

and if you get too close he gonna rope you so I want to talk about love we want people to be able to the show on Netflix we talked about that too much

we can't talk about that anymore the amount we've talked about it when's the book coming out the you guys wrote the book about love like a episode by episode dissection of love on netflix uh yeah um the book is coming out uh is coming out. God. Do you have the timing on this, Kevin? It is a book. It's a Toshin. Toshin is not the

same thing as a book. It's like a showpiece. It's a book. It's a Toshin. We can bail on this bit and go to the love stuff if you want. This is the love stuff. The book is coming out next time I throw up. Will you do an episode, though, how you got your book?

Because I'm trying to learn how to get a book. Practice. She means how to buy one book. No, I don't. Okay, and a little bit of a lover's quarrel here obviously um that's part of it having a huge fight in public my dream he'll never do it with me screaming like sometimes i'm like we're like out at a restaurant like let's have a fake fight right now really big get big like scream at me and i'll spit on you but it's, he's not the right partner for that.

But if either of you ever want to go out and like a casual lunch and do a fake fight, make a big scene. I won't do it, but I noticed some chemistry between yourself and chef Kevin earlier. And this was, as we were getting set up, there was, there were sparks and. How old is Kevin? 27. Oh, okay. 20 Kevin. set up there was there were sparks and uh how old is kevin 27 okay 20 kevin he is he is 20 kevin dresses that's just who he is right now dave you're awfully quiet let's we have to talk about love

so we have actually a little bit of a primer a lot of people don't really know what courtship and what romance is they just don't they haven't experienced it for themselves which is sad but not uncommon and especially in our audience i think uh actually the majority of people would say that they don't know what dating, love, romance, companionship are. Kevin, do you have the prepared sort of primer? This is from people, at people on Twitter. So that's pretty reputable. It's always at people.

And it's how Lin-Manuel Miranda used rap to win over his wife. In a people exclusive actor, writer and Hamilton creator, Lin-Manuel Miranda is opening up about how he won over his wife in high school. Lin-Manuel was a self-professed nerd. One day he noticed a stunning girl named Vanessa, but was too shy to talk to her.

In fact, he was so shy that he says he may have only exchanged five words with her by the time they graduated. It would take him another seven years to finally make things official with Vanessa, and here's how he did it. In 2005, Lin-Manuel sent Vanessa a Facebook message inviting her to check out his new freestyle hip-hop group, Freestyle Love Supreme. As you do.

He tried to talk to her after the show, they connected, stayed in touch, but it was a few months before they saw each other again when Vanessa asked him out. I love that. You go, Vanessa. Lin-Manuel tells us it must have been his freestyle skills that impressed her, which makes sense. The thing that won Vanessa over happens to be the thing that made millions of people all over the world fall in love with him too so basically that's dating so what i would ask you guys and this will be helpful i think for the audience knows like dave what was the main rap that you did that you felt really won esther over and esther what was it about dave's raps that made you finally ask him out well okay before we get into that i did just want to say isn't it kind of weird that rapping is so masculine but then when you

when you rap on broadway it's actually kind of feminine wow i oh and uh i don't really feel comfortable with this avenue of discussion okay that's then I can just say that by myself what I like about it is that it's gendered and problematic and it also

there's a racial element too and it's also not what we were talking about so I like I like those aspects of it i mean i guess we could dive into it broadway's is very feminine yeah well you know i think we're probably not gonna touch this okay well we can move back to the other one but i that's fine well and it's not even that it's totally untouchable. It just doesn't seem 100% worth it.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd agree with that, too. I'd agree with that. Dave, why don't you just do the rap that you did for me? I can't. I mean, I wouldn't because here's the thing. You remember, so we met, as Sean and Hay said, we met in the green room at hollywood

handbook esther was recording well i don't know what episode it was and i was like waiting to record the next one and i was like episodes just have their name in the title so she was recording the esther episode that's probably what it was then i guess i believe you guys and um i was like this was like 2012 or something and i was like oh hey i like saw her and i was too scared and then i sent her a facebook message later and invited her to come see me rap in the green room at hollywood hamburg when I was recording the next time and what I did was I was like write down six words on different pieces of paper

and then I'll pull them out of the hat and start rapping about them and I think Esther you would agree that I basically slayed and you were like there's no way I don't want this man in my life and so I don't remember what the pieces of paper were um I do remember that I took the ones you wrote and

tore them up and then just wrote words that were like good for me like good for rapping like they all right when you wore your shirt remember you wore that shirt that said, I write? Mr. Right. Yeah. I have a bunch of shirts that say Mr. Right on them. W-R-I-T-E-R-I-T. But they also say, I write. It says, Mr. Right. And then underneath it says, I write.

And that's in quotes. And it's cool. And I'm sure when Esther saw that, she was like, okay, who is this guy who writes? Well, I just liked that it was so embarrassing and so that's what's hot for me is like not hot for my name hot for me clever is when a guy is so embarrassing and is just absolutely willing to humiliate himself and rap even though he is clearly not good at it not talented not hot at it but it's like oh shame is a turn on huh well no it's like oh i won't be embarrassed for you doing this so then in the future what won't you be embarrassed doing for me so you'll buy me my tampons you'll you know buy me my pads my adult diapers when necessary like you'll be buying

me those embarrassing things later when i need them and that's how i know oh you're my guy tampons i remember that being one of the words words you had written down yeah yeah which is tough the really the only word that rhymes with it is crampons which you use for mountain climbing well so and this is just a little tip haze because like obviously i i don't know how you're in a relationship without like the rapping skills but like what i did was like uh like you know she wants tampons my baby girl got her cramps on like you can kind of use that actually does not ride. Well, it's a sort of a slant rhyme. Like it's close enough when he says my baby girl, it actually makes me want to,

you know, the vomit emoji. It's awful, right? It's that. And that's where I'm like, okay, he makes me so sick to my stomach that I want to do vomit emoji all over my

house that I will be with him because he makes me sick and you call him a pedophile at least once in the special is that correct oh yeah okay so he yeah but you know it's in her defense this was before this was before comedians were being accused of being pedophiles and it was it's before pedophiles were bad generally yeah it was a different time it was only one of the most abhorrent things for the population at large to be accused of and not for people specifically in the comedy and the comedy world yeah in the comedy world so it's like understandable that she was doing it it hasn't aged as well as you might think where at the time that it was written obviously like pedophiles were yeah

that were something very bad to be probably you know like the bottom rung of the totem pole in like uh prison systems and society somewhat yeah yeah what do you want from me i have a full face of fat in my face guys who like me are typically pedophiles am i supposed to lie am i supposed to lie no comedy comes from what's true so that's yes that's a book yeah is that the book you're trying to get no that's the one book you want to buy no the book i want to i don't want to buy a book i could just explain most of it to to you. You just said you want us to do a whole podcast for you to buy a book. No. I would like you guys, the Hollywood Handbook, to teach me how to write a book and get paid to do it.

We did that once. Oh, okay. I'll listen back. We did that with BJ Novak. We wrote it on the show. Yeah. I can do a rap. Dave was mean earlier about me being able to rap. I'm not going to actually rap it, but it on the show. Yeah. I can do a rap. Dave was mean earlier about me being

able to rap. I'm not going to actually rap it, but I could say one. Okay. So I am, of course, I am married to Carrie Ann Moss. She is not married to me. It is a new version of a relationship for

2020 couples do not have to be always married oh the wife oh because the man is married to the wife the wife also has to be married to the man is this the rap no it's context I'm explaining this is the lead up to the rap

and if I could do my sorry I know we had an argument a little bit and and i want to hear haze's rap but just the tampons thing uh-huh do you think this is a rhyme haze because i know you didn't like got her cramps on but what if i did and just before i even say this line esther come back esther no i'm here before i even say this no you're not i want to be clear so that no one gets upset that i am referring to to my booty okay noted baby girl wants her tampons booty big enough to camp on. Whoa. Say ons. Say camp ons.

Camp ons. That's the issue. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. Your booty is big enough.

You're saying your booty is big enough to camp on. Booty big enough to camp ons. I love that. So go ahead, Hayes, and do explain your relationship. It's like three or four more minutes of just sort of... I don't know, remember exactly. I'll just start from the beginning. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

So I'd better stop rolling because I'd like to gather like a boss. I'd like to eat that moss until I have my fill. And now it's time for me to take the blue pill. The pill is Viagra. Is there more? And that's what made her decide to let you marry her. And I laughed a lot as i was doing it too oh sean added a little something i like that what'd you add sean no i was just saying that's the rap that made her want to let you marry her yeah but her but not her that's's a wrap. So yes, that's a wrap that made her want to make me marry her.

Yes. Interesting. So are we married? No. Am I married her to her? Yes. Here's my ring. Does she wear one?

No, she wears a ring. It's different. How long have you been married to her? I have been married to her on and off for, uh, when did revolutions come out 2003 uh 2007 night we did has been exactly one year today oh i was expecting a different answer after you one year in terms of like complete oh i see i see 365 365 days today cumulative days yeah yeah

we count the off time in our we count all the off time yeah oh yeah we count the off time in our relationship all the off time yeah oh yeah we count we include the time before we started dating too because that's all we we do so can i tell you so you were technically dating her when she was a baby then yeah absolutely that's the part that i'm the most into Dave, tell them about how we started dating in 2001, right after September 11th. Tell us. Oh, right. Okay, so when I was in eighth grade. You were with Ren Azizi initially.

Oh. So when I was in eighth grade, I went on this trip to New York with my dance teacher. And it was really informative. I saw Broadway plays, I took dance class. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is that this at this time, Dave was also living in New York. So he was in. He wasn't having a job yet. He was just out of college and he had no job and was very sad and doing sad, sad things. And I was there as an eighth grader. So we were both in the same city at the same time. And that's when we consider that we started dating because we could have walked past each other on the street.

We could have. It's the first time that we theoretically could have dated. So we assume that we did for that short period of time. You could have brushed against each other a an unemployed 20 year old yeah this is so much like lin-manuel and vanessa were like no they weren't dating but in a way their relationship goes all the way back exactly when he was a self-described nerd in high school no and just to be clear, we also include the time before that, like back to the dawn of time as when we were dating and all time moving forward. But in terms of like, but we say also that that could have been the first time that we met each other while we were dating.

Right. But I actually feel like every morning when I wake up i meet him all over again i feel yes i feel the same way and it's partially because esther has the 51st states disease but it's also like just because we really love each other i think and when i go to sleep i forget everything i. So I relearn it every day. Like the 51st dates. Like you said. I'm going to let you guys talk. Hollywood Handbook.

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The promises the meal makes a sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah, your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do it's supposed to help you stay fueled up I know give you a ton of energy they have like smoothies and things like that

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an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys hollywood handbook we were supposed to be doing raps well we were going to do some more raps obviously I've talked a little bit about my wife who I love

who I am currently not living with she's living with another gentleman not myself but I still see her all the time because I do pull my big ass pickup

onto the front lawn of her house and i shine brights and i drink about 500 beers and uh and i throw them at the porch and uh sometimes i fall asleep on the horn and it doesn't wake me up uh so i do still see her. And she's really actually honestly as cool and beautiful as ever. But the rap that I initially won her over with was, you know, I was in an advantageous position similar to Hayes where he noticed that Moss like is a thing as well as. Oh, like the last name of the girl. Yeah. So with Stephanie Graff. So I go. Yeah, actually, Dave, I just want to say. as well as oh like the last name yeah of the girl yeah so with stephanie graph so i go yeah actually dave i just want to say my wife is a woman okay that's cool and mine too and i said and and so i thought like graph like there's like math stuff and i was like okay like um but it's dating and i went i'm

i'm with graph at the bar and and you could check the charts staying sharp and a target like we're throwing right darts is this like the rap this is the rap okay like Cupid with his arrow when he shoot my heart okay and uh and uh and and other and other parts whoa okay

Cupid shot other parts of in this case Cupid shot a lot of different of sean's parts right when you guys air this are you good is kevin gonna lay down like a sick beat underneath these wraps or well they'll probably just lay down probably not the ones that you interrupted in the middle of them okay that's smart that probably messed up the beat a little bit yeah i love that he was so nasty but then when the nastiness came for me i no longer wanted to be a part of it when some guests are here do you like them that they're there the guests which ones who are you thinking of

just any that you might they might help it instead of hurt it. Guests that we like. Kevin, you probably got the list. Kevin's kind of the in-house historian. What guests did you like, Kevin? Little trivia. Any guests that were good. Weird Al helped it. Okay. Yeah, helped.

And also offered us tickets to his show afterwards. That was really nice. Free tickets. Did you guys go? Hell yes, King. We have free tickets for you. To what?

To Dave's rat battle. A yard pandemic friendly rat battle. Against Kevin for my love wow i'm a little nervous about it but i think that's gonna like give it an extra sort of charge for people who come and watch it yeah because the stakes are quite frankly high like i'm learning every minute just how high they are and so i think it's like i'm gonna be very motivated to win but i'm also pretty bad at rapping the idea of reminding of of uh you meeting each other anew every day is reminding me so much of palm springs and that reminds me when do you all plan on announcing that you have seen it and that you liked it?

So I missed the first wave. Okay, so it's a good question. So like, I didn't get a screener for it. So obviously I was out. I couldn't do the tweets that were like, hey, I got to see this and it's amazing. Yeah. And then I thought about trying to get in like the very first wave opening weekend and be like night of hits hulu you're watching boom everybody check this out I'm onto the new hotness like that's cool but you missed that I missed that and I did watch it opening weekend and I did

really enjoy it but obviously that's not relevant like the question is when do you get when do you fucking say it man when you get credit for that so i have a i like obviously i've been thinking about it and my latest thought which is a little crazy is like wait till award season and be like hey like do people like we always talk about how comedies are overlooked let's be real like andy and kristin gave like phenomenal performances why aren't they in the conversation and i agree with all that like that like that is a cool time to jump in but obviously you guys know my take well just tell the audience so that they're reminded that's what the podcast is for should have been called joshua tree and it's a hot take it's blazing hot that is because they don't go to joshua tree in the movie the movie

i i love watching it but when i think about the title i go let's call this baby joshua tree right because it's in because it's close to joshua tree but in palm springs and because there's none of the music from that seminal album famous yeah esther when are you gonna announce dave why don't you tell them what my announcement plan what would i did well esther went a different way which is she hadn't seen it but announced anyway that she liked it on instagram it was sort of like so that i had to though that was i had to i know that the producers produced my show so that's what you do you don't watch my show and of a proof can we get the exact language i believe i said this is a great poster and a great movie something like that and then tagged all the appropriates

okay i think you were kind of subtly indicating that you hadn't seen it by that the poster was your favorite part of it so the poster first oh sometimes we don't even know what we're telling people with our actions it's neurolinguistic didn't you love the poster i did love i loved all of it oh yeah movie was really fun so for people who have seen the movie people do tend to think about the movie more than the poster once you've seen the movie. Not everybody. Well, not everyone. But again, like, it's hard when you haven't seen the movie, but only seen the poster to kind of like compare the two.

Because there's a little more. What's hard about it? What's hard about it? I don't understand. Well, you have to see the movie. Sure. I mean, you wouldn't understand. You haven't seen the movie, but you still said it was great. Dave, here's something. No, no, no, no, but you still said it was great. Dave, here's something.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dave, here's something that you don't get. No, we are not doing this, Dave. Dave, we are not doing this. I work in Hollywood, okay? So when a movie comes out, it does not matter what I think about it. Do you understand? So why do I watch it?

I don't. I just tell people that it was good because I want to work with the people who made the movie. I don't need to watch it. I don't need to have an opinion I just need to let the world know that I liked it. I only need to know one thing about people who made a movie And that's that they made a movie Well and Esther I think so this is instructive actually because I totally agree with you and I Wasn't didn't mean to imply at all that you should even see the movie um before commenting on it but my point was and i think sean and hayes were getting to this if

you're gonna talk like talking about the poster instead of just the blatant lie of i saw palm springs and i loved it it's amazing everyone see it almost suggests that you hadn't seen the movie when that was not your intention your intention was to just full-on lie about having seen it which i fully support and it's almost like you pulled your punch a little so in the future and i'll help you in the future it's something we can work on together um there's probably like some other comedies coming down the pipe that are going to be important this is almost kind of a wrap, what Dave's doing. Mm-hmm. And I'm sure Esther's turned on just listening to me

disagree with her and point out the ways in which she's misunderstanding things. Well, you're wrong because, look, did you ever see that thing, that show on HBO, where the guy at the end, he goes, I killed them all of course i didn't see it but it was great see how i did that the jinx yes we're talking about the jinx uh same i was gonna say it at the same time did you not watch that together? I think we did. We did. And my point is that he killed them all. Right.

I was asking everybody. He killed them all. For me? Did you see it, Sean? Yeah. Do we all agree, by the way, that the pandemic and the Zoom setups has been such a blessing for comedy in terms of timing and in terms of getting everyone like instead of like being in the same room and breathing down each other's necks there's that like little split second pause there's this great space where um yeah you you talk and then someone else starts to talk so you stop but then they give

you room it's that sort of like awkwardness and discomfort and the sound of like esther going through papers right now, which I was just like also throwing us off all of that together. It's like, we're going to look back on this. When we start working in actual room, like writer's rooms again and stuff,

we're going to be like, why aren't we just zooming? It was, it had that like, it had me on edge all the time. I never knew when to jump in and when to make a joke and when to not. Can I pitch something for the Instagram post? It's not my show, but sure, yeah.

Esther, are you here? Okay, she's back. Okay, what if you do like a mashup post of two movies and it's like Palm Spring Breakers? And so it kind of implies that you've seen it, it's also like an amazing joke i just want to be clear i have a bit about that already and so i don't want you to think i stole it from you i feel like i should just get out of the way and let esther and kevin live their lives together that was magic man i mean kevin's about to rap and you can just feel it and that's really the the sort of like when the male peacock spreads his plumage yes but their vibe i wonder if it is a result of kind of the fluidity of the zoom

format it has to be that if you two had met over zoom you might have this kind of connection but you won't have that opportunity because you met in new york when she was 14 yeah um the i think the summer of 9-11 is that what esther said the fall the fall uh-huh um yeah those are heady days eighth grade i want to i think is um more like 13 yeah 13 oh well maybe there's something maybe there's a mash-up and here i'm just grasping at draws and trying to be like kevin so that esther will like me but maybe there's a mash-up of the movie eighth grade and the oliver stone 9-11 movie that esther could do about her personal life. World Grade Center. World Grade Center. Esther, do you like me?

No. No. Maybe it's... Cool. This is not as good, but maybe it's why is six afraid of seven because eighth grade 9-11. That can be a cute children's book, I feel like.

Yeah, it could. that can be cute children's book i feel like yeah i could um the special is still not working it says the the file is corrupted file sick that's bad it's not like it's not like the stream or something it's like the actual file That's bad. It's not like the stream or something. It's like the actual file. Oh. Oh my god. Did you do something to the file of your special? I mean, I made that.

Maybe my stand-up is so good that it's corrupt. The file. I don't know. Seems unlikely. That's really bad. Well, Comedy Central isn't really a network anymore. It's kind of unclear for everybody how to find it. People keep calling it a Netflix special. And it's not, right?

No, it's not. Netflix passed. It's kind of like a geocache thing. Is that what it is? Where you're trying to get people. If you can find the special, then you're one of the lucky ones. Are you guys getting reimbursed for Comedy Central defrauding you? What does defraud mean?

I got an email the other day that said that they were going to give me a little money because they didn't pay me enough. And they got sued and now they have to pay me. Someone sued them on my behalf. That's true. For what show? They didn't say. Wow. Could have been

Nick Swartzen's pretend time. Could have been Big Lake. Right. We don't know. Wow. I hadn't heard about this. That's a little something that happened to me. No one asked me what was going on with me,

but I was not cc'd nice oh that's so that is clever and fun comedy central so kevin you do a rap and then we can go kevin wrap it up man i rap the first 100 digits of pi 3.14510 03913476 9100 2345 100 100 is one of them yeah it's 100 and that's kind of my spin on it

he's kind of like you guys you know Mike Kaplan yeah sure yes that's yeah I know you do Kevin do y'all listen to Hard and Firm? With Chris Hardwick, yeah. I guess. I don't know that guy's name. I know the other one. You're a firm guy.

And are you guys cool with us eating during the podcast? It's better than leaving to file paperwork. Esther, what are you eating? Is that banana bread? I've decided that I've been too annoying and I'm not going to talk anymore. So I'm going to eat and watch.

Hey, hey, hey. Nobody thinks you're annoying. But you seem uncomfortable on the show. And you're so scared of the show and the show is just here to be friends with you we all want to laugh and have fun and everyone just it's a normal podcast where you get on you pretend that your relationship is not what it actually is people make fun of you and then you're forced to do a rap on the spot it's not like it's i don't understand what is so nerve-wracking about that and then also people hear it and then make jokes about it to

you on social media uh-huh about your personal relationship for sometimes years and they misunderstand elements of it like what's not to love about that that's what we're saying why wouldn't you put yourself in that spot esther's just playing hard to get right now and i know this esther it reminds me of like when we first started dating and i probably had to rap three or four thousand times before she would like actually agree to go out on a date with me well she asked you out we actually saw she asked me out that's right you go vanessa when you follow the lynn manuel method it will work you will break them down eventually 100 of the time yeah yeah

miranda writes yeah miranda w-r-i-t-e-s well it's first you have to study the lynn manual and then you get your Miranda rights. Esther, what's the most expensive way people can watch your show? Yeah. The most expensive way might be a purchase on iTunes or Amazon. And the least expensive is wait for August 2nd. It'll be in front of the paywall. On what?

On the Comedy Central app? On YouTube? No, no, no, no, no. Not YouTube. Unless you have YouTube TV. But that's... Sean was saying earlier, that's not, no, no. Not YouTube. Unless you have YouTube TV. But that's... Sean was saying earlier that's not something that he is able to do.

I don't know. I can't see it. Comedy Central app, I'm allowed to have no South Park, no Beavis and Butthead. Beavis and Butthead is MTV, I thought.

Well, you said earlier that Comedy Central is not even a network, but I just got to ask then how come they're doing two new seasons of Beavis and Butthead and i'm actually not even supposed to be saying the name of that show my special is like a really pretty girl right like when you want a pretty

girl you can't just be like hey do you want a burger you gotta fucking rap 3 000 times so that's my special it's hard to get you don't you have to earn my special you can't just watch it can you tell us a line that maybe dave doesn't even remember that he rapped to you that actually made you like believe whoa this dude is actually my gladiator absolutely Absolutely. My name is Dave and I have sleep apnea and arthritis. And I'm, my name is Dave. My name is Dave and I have sleep apnea. I'm so tired, but I'm still gonna rap for you. Yeah. That really was the one where I like, I saw her smile for the first time. was the one where I saw her smile for the first time. And she was exhausted

from listening to me, but I saw just the hint of a smile, and I was like, I am in. And then I just started then I just researched Kevin's life and just started rapping facts about him and pretending that I was Kevin. It was like smooth sailing. Kevin, an unknowing

Cyrano in this beautiful romance. kevin is from naperville see papa the rapper get a room kevin's from naperville jesus unfortunately i i did watch uh esther's special last night and it has actually made it hard for me to do the show in some ways and maybe you feel that a little bit that it has felt a little stilted because she says right up top in the special that she does not like the word horny but so often what we're discussing on this program is horniness you can feel us kind of and also, that word, Esther, is the reason all of us are alive. So before you don't...

You're made of horny energy. It doesn't need to be that word to describe it. Okay, well, it's working pretty well so far. Yeah, you're going to argue with 7 billion people in the world? It could work better. Got us this far. Everything could be better.

That's kind of the message of the special, isn't it? Mm-hmm. Everything of the special could be better, but I didn't want to have it be that. Well, goodbye. Hollywood Handbook. Here I am. that was a hate gun podcast