Hollywood Handbook - Little Esther, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

Sean and Hayes explain why Sean's voice sounds different this week, then are inspired by the great Beatles to take you through "A Day In the Life" of Alexander Payne. Then LITTLE ESTHER joins the boys for a discussion of who's pretending to be gay, being scared of the Internet, American Girl dolls, and the difference between offer-only and a holding deal.​See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So they go to Shakira, and she's like, that was good, like you have good range or whatever. And then they go to me, and I'm like, you think that was good? Check this out. I get up there, I do my moves,ake shouten is he goes now that's boss i know i watched hey welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz what up what up first a little introduction uh the um you know we have stuff that we do outside of this podcast in movies

and tv and stuff like that it's not just coming on here and like telling stories like all all all week we have others a fucking joke to us doing this we have other stuff going on and related to that sean has had a little procedure that you we want to explain it because it might i've got a big movie role and you might just hear something a little different when you hear me speaking in this episode. And it is, of course, I've had one of my front teeth removed. And so maybe it'll sound a little goofy to you and that's okay. Because what happened for me is I got this great script. I haven't read the whole thing or even most of it,

but I saw that the main character had a southern accent, and I thought, I can wrap my head around this character. They were offering me the role. And I thought, I can wrap my head around this character. He's southern, so he's probably some backwoods fucking dumb fuck, and he's probably missing some of his teeth, and he fucks his cousin with a possum skin condom or whatever the shit those fucking read. I almost said a bad R word, but I'm not going to say it because I know people don't like that,

and I don't want to get sued. But anyway, I went to the dentist, and yes. I think of this character as he saw a tomato on a soup can, and he said, Mmm, that looks good, and he tried to take a big bite for lunch. Tried to bite into the soup can because he thought the can itself was a tomato. Now, I think that's right. I went to the dentist.

Yes, big Hollywood stars go to the dentist too. I know you have to go. It's a little different for us. They play nice music. We have some go. It's a little different for us. They play nice music. We have some cocktails. There's pretty girls there. You tie a string. You guys at home.

I know you guys at home. You tie one end of a string to a doorknob. One to your tooth. And then you slam the door as hard as you can. Blood everywhere. But what the dentist does is they put in a piece of gauze to catch the blood, and instead of slamming a door, they just sort of gently chisel it out with a little rock hammer like he used in Shawshank

to make the tunnel behind the Rita Hayworth poster. And so I'm missing that tooth for this big Hollywood role, and I think it's worth it. I'm missing that tooth for this big Hollywood role, and I think it's worth it. And you're going to maybe hear some strange S's or whatever else. The sounds are not easy to make. A little saliva just gently dropping onto the microphone. And I'll be experimenting throughout with shoving some paper in there or a little bit of wax or something to try to. But I've been doing it for the past couple days and nothing really does work.

So in general, it just makes me talk strange in a different way. And that's Hollywood, baby. Let's listen. We want to do something. We've talked so much about our own lives and our own experiences and given you so many lessons about what we go through, but we thought we would do a segment. It can be really helpful.

It's called A Day in the Life because we love the Beatles, all Beatles stuff. Those guys changed everything. Any one of them would have been the greatest recording artist if they just had a band of a bunch of losers. Any one of them could have written enough good songs to be a superstar. And the musicianship. And the songs. Oh, my God.

And the fact that all of them knew each other and what's more did music together is what really makes them unparalleled and and you know and media's so fragmented now that even if there was a band that good there never will be even if there was they would never be as popular as the Beatles. That's why it's Beatlemaniacs and That's Us. And you listen to the song. You never hear songs today like their songs were, where the lyrics are like poems.

Oh, yes, and because you had to do codes back then. So if they wanted to sing about taking a drug, they had to find a code word for it but now you turn on the radio and fred durst is just like i'm doing it for the nookie and it's too much it's like well what if the beatles could call it nookie they had to call it norwegian wood so a day in the life is a segment where we take you through the day of a famous auteur. We've spent a lot of time with a lot of directors and writers and actors and producers and stuff. And so we have a pretty good idea about how a lot of them just go through a normal day.

And I guess we wanted to do Alexander Payne. alexander pain yes here's a guy who um is uh not really big enough to do the podcast so we don't want to kind of waste your time with that but there is enough interest in him that will walk you through kind of what his typical day is he's a guy he directed election citizen roof uh stuff like that you know and that people watch and it gets awards he's gotten a lot of big awards uh yes and has made movies now first thing for him in the morning he wakes up and what do you know? He fell asleep with the TV on. And it was on HBO, and maybe he was watching Game of Thrones. No spoilers! Engineer Brett got mad that I spoiled him last week.

And what's on is they're rerunning an episode of Hung. And it's the one episode that Alexander Payne directed. And he goes, I wonder if people know I directed this. I hope not. I hope they just know me for my famous movies. And he turns off the TV and he goes to grab some brunch. And in his kitchen, there's a little snow globe that has the skyline of Omaha in it, Omaha, Nebraska, because it's really important to him that people think that he cares about his hometown and that he's really attached to it. I

think he would really like it if people thought that he still lives there. He lives in Los Angeles, but keeping that little snow globe around in a place where people can see it is great for him because then they say oh he probably looks deep into that snow globe to go back to to Omaha to remember what it was like probably when he's writing that's how he puts himself in Omaha's shoes he's so in touch with those characters who don't come from from big cities and and it's because he cares so much about his home city but that snow globe is really just for people to see and to think that and it's because he cares so much about his home city. But that snow globe is really just for people to see and to think that. And he's got them all over the house. And he sort of grabs that snow globe and he tosses it in the trash

because there are hundreds in every room. So he finishes up with his brunch and he goes down to get the paper. And he says, I wonder if they reviewed any of my movies today. And he flips through to the movie reviews section and- And they did. They reviewed Sideways today. And they reviewed Sideways today.

And he goes, oh, that's right. They're talking about the part where he doesn't want to drink Merlot. Yes. And he thinks about it for a second. And he thinks, I guess that's the only thing people really remember about that movie. He goes, did I make too much hay out of that Merlot thing in that movie? I guess, you know, people remember it, so that's good.

But at the same time, what else happened? But do I wish they remembered something else? Is it a good thing that people remember that? Every time they see a bottle of Merlot, they're thinking of my movie Sideways. It lives on forever in that one line. And then, tucked into the newspaper, there's a little note, and it's from Thomas Hayden Church. And he goes, there is something else people remember from that movie. And Thomas Hayden Church goes, thanks for rejuvenating my career.

You really did, for me, what Tarantino did for Travolta. And that's what all the papers said at the time. And that's why I'm in all these movies now. But then he thinks, wait a minute. You really only did one more movie. You did the big Spider-Man movie. And then you went away again. And people did not think that

spider-man movie was so good so he he's in kind of a tough spot here because he's reading the is that better than nothing it's definitely possible that for sure it's that you were just going to do nothing from here on out but alexander pain thinks did i really just get his hopes up and make everyone think that he was going to be a big movie star now because of what i did so then it's we're done with the paper and it's time to take a little drive down uh to go to the bathroom at a public restroom in the library and so you get in the back of your uh big limousine and you say the chauffeur to the library and then he takes you in there and you get in the public restroom you get limousine and you say to the chauffeur, to the library. And then he takes you in there and you get in the public restroom. You get on your phone and you start watching a movie.

Yeah. You do this in the public library because you read somewhere on a blog, somebody said that you use Oscars for best adapted screenplay to wipe your butt. And you thought, that's a funny idea. I really should do that. It's very smooth. It doesn't work that well uh it it picks up very very little of the of the residue and then you don't flush it you still have to keep it you only have two you have to wash it off in the sink afterwards but a lot of people

have seen you do that now and so it's a big part of your reputation and then someone kicks in the door of the stall a crazy person and they see your naked body. And you go, this is a little like when I showed Kathy Bates' naked body in the movie about Schmidt. And then you go, man, that was really bold of me or of her. I don't know. But that is the thing people remember about that movie. Yeah, there's that she was naked. And there's something about letters to an African boy,

maybe they're pen pals. People aren't really sure. We don't know. What people do remember about all my movies, you think, because you're Alexander Payne, is the main guy was really good in it. He was good, and he was finally playing someone unhappy. He was good and he was finally playing someone unhappy. People think about guys like Jack Nicholson and Paul Giamatti and George Clooney and Bruce Dern being really stripped down and raw in their roles.

And not being very happy. And you think to yourself, well, it's really nice that people say that about me. But also, i know in my heart that that was very easy to do i just made sure they didn't shave for a little while and i made them wear like kind of bad clothes and i sort of didn't let them comb their hair at all and i and you know like in in some cases i just made them be a little dumb. Like for Bruce Dern, I just made him be cartoonishly stupid. And Clooney pushed back on the hair thing, and I buckled pretty fast. But so you know there's really nothing to that.

The thing that people think makes you a good director is actually nothing at all. And now it's time to go throw rocks at the Hollywood sign. So you head on down to the Griffith Park Trail and you hike on as close as you can get and you throw a couple rocks and you go, take that Hollywood, because you're kind of an outsider. You're more of a Nebraska guy, really. It's definitely important to you that people think that. And then you kind of dozed off. And you think. You're tired from throwing rocks. You think, oh, gosh, throwing all those rocks was really tough.

I'm going to doze off. But you wake up and somebody was willing to write a script for you and put your name on it. Some really talented writers were just thankful to have your name on a script. And then you say, thanks, guys. I'll take the script. I'll take a pass at it. Your names can stay on it, too. When it comes to accepting the award at the Oscars, don't plan a speech or anything. People don't really want to hear you talk. They want to hear Alexander Payne talk. And I might go on a series of talk shows, too too and just kind of disavow myself from your version of the script in any way and that'll be kind of a fun

game we play with each other i'll say oh but i'll do it in sort of a coded way i won't say that the original script was bad i'll say stuff like well the original version we were working with was very different very i'll say it was very different and don't we all agree this version is good? And you know what? A lot of people did say it was good. And you go home, and you had a nice full day, you went to the library like you like to do, and you threw rocks at the Hollywood sign, and you go to sleep, and you have the same dream you have every night where someone's taking all your rewards away.

The same dream you have every night where someone's taking all your awards away. And even in your dream, you're upset that all your awards are going away. But you kind of know that, like, in your head, you think of those awards as being for election anyway. The award that you didn't get for election that you know you really should have. You feel like, well, I'm just cashing in on the debt that was owed to me then. But in a way, too, then, you knew this day was coming. And when you wake up, you realize you fell asleep with HBO on, and you do it all over again.

So that's a day in the life of Alexander Pay alexander payne it's it's uh it's named after um our favorite beatles song uh which uh little beatles trivia uh is the only beatles song to begin with like like an article like uh or the every other one was like paperback writer they wouldn't have said do you know how they made that part of the uh song where the whole thing goes just totally cuckoo and it like sounds like it's like going insane yeah me too or wait tell me if you think if you know the same thing i do well what i heard is that they just went outside and just gathered natural sounds. Oh, that's not what I heard. I heard John Lennon was smoking a reefer cigarette too close to the microphone and it set the mic on fire.

Oh, well, I don't think that's... Well, they did smoke reefer. Well, they wrote songs about it, but that was stuff that was happening at the time. I like to think so, too. So we've got a really great guest. Her name is Esther. Yes. Esther Povitsky.

She is known as Little Esther in her comedy performances. her comedy performances. She's here to talk about her web series and all her other acting work that she does in movies and in TV shows. And she's going to be right here coming up in one second on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. So he's so needy, right? Yes, yes. Did you think it was good? Did you like it? What did you think? And I'm like, I don't know, right? Yes, yes. He's like, did you think it was good?

Did you like it? What did you think? And I'm like, I don't know what to tell you, John Cena. I've seen bigger jump kickies. Yeah. And he goes, oh yeah, bigger than this? And he goes to jump kick me, and I catch his feet, and I go, you get one, John. One.

Uh-huh, he only gets one of those. With me, yeah. Yeah. Hey! Hey, what up, what up? Welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. Welcome, of course, to our guest, Little Esther. You know her as a stand-up comedian, but she lives in Los Angeles, and she's also an actress.

Executive producer. You could see, yes,'s also an actress, and she— Executive producer. You could see, yes, she was an executive producer on a podcast like we are. Is that Weird Adults? Thank you. On Adult Swim? No, that's on O'Farrell Audio. It's more of a collective. Ooh, sounds kind of, like, dangerous.

It's, like, socialist or something, right? Before we get into it is this water alkalized brett brett um it's filtered in some way i think okay i thought that i had requested alkalized water but that's fine brett what what what's the difference in your mind between filtered and alkalized water you seem to think that's relevant that it was filtered yeah you brought that up you didn't answer the yes or no you just mentioned does it relate in some way do i have to do something to alkalize it i don't like to put something in it well not now no you don't have time it's the way i already took two sips so

whatever okay i'm sorry about that. Do you want to lie down? It's okay. I'll push through. It's fine. If you want to lie down on the table during the record, that's okay. Thank you. We've had guests do that.

Lamorne Morris did that. Lamorne did that. Oh, my God. I love Lamorne. He's such a pro. Oh, my God. He just texted me last night. What?

Oh, my God. That's crazy. Lam oh my god that's so funny when he was texting me really no he texted me like really late he was like are you in pitch perfect too and i was like i don't know yet it was so funny wow that is funny he does these very random emojis like he goes so deep into the emoji list i don't't even know that was an emoji. A funny octopus? Oh, yeah, I know. I know. He's so great, especially on Snapchat, too.

I didn't know you guys knew him. That's awesome. Yeah, he's the best. It's a small town. It feels like a big city, but it's a small town. That's so true. Esther, you have a web series. I do.

What's a digital series? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it is on the web? Esther you have a web series I do it's a digital series oh yeah yeah and it's it is on the web yeah it's digital I have that written here yeah it's digital

yeah so it's a digital web series and it's on MTV MTV MTV Digital yeah it's called

Esther with Hot Chicks and I just interview hot girls. I love the title. Thank you so much. Yes, it really is good. Oh, my God, thanks. It's kind of a vanity project, but I love it.

It's like a punch right in the face, but good. It really gets you so fired up to watch. Yeah. It's a friendly punch. Yeah. And it's based on a blog, a really popular blog that I ran. Yes. And, yeah, it's just been doing really well,

and it's really well-received and really well-commented. Great. Yeah, thank you. That's so awesome. Thanks so much. Esther, why do you think so many other performers are scared to take their shit on the web where they insist on...

And can I give an example? I'd love it. Because I saw Captain America Winter Soldier yesterday. Oh. Really fun. Uh-huh. And Colby Smulders is in that. And now Colby Smulders is now in The Avengers, which is one of the most popular movie series.

And she was on How I Met Your Mother, which is one of the most popular TV series. And yet she's not doing any web series. And it's like, why is she such a coward that she, like, does she just not think she can hack it? She keeps doing movies and TV shows. And if I could bring up another quick example, I saw Captain America Winter Soldier yesterday, which had some great action sequences,

and Emily Van Camp was in it. And she is now in this Captain America Avengers kind of movie, which is one of the most popular film series. And she's on Revenge, which is a really popular TV series. But I'm sorry, I haven't seen her in any web series. I totally hear that. And it's weird because I feel like my web series appearances and projects are like my bread and butter.

I don't know what I would do without those. And you see today all these big names, and they're just denying this amazing platform for artists. They're just wallowing. Yeah. Do you ever get scared? I mean, that's so hard to answer because it's like, yes, there's fear in all of us. But my thing is just be brave. That's a tattoo.

I have it tattooed on my leg. It's like be brave. So every time I am not brave, I just look at my leg and I'm like, Just on your leg? Yeah, I can do it. It's great. By the way, Colby is amazing. She knows all of the best smoothie places.

If you're ever in the mood for a smoothie, just text Colby, and she'll, like, she's great. I love her. Wow. She's a friend, and I don't mean to shit on her. But at the same time, like, why is she not in a web series, and why is she so scared? And I think, and this is a pet theory of mine, but I think it might be because web content is the only content that we enjoy in our homes. And so it's very intimate. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Because if you want to see a movie, you go to the theater. Yeah. And if you want to watch television, you have to go to like a nice restaurant. Right. But if you want to watch web series, you can actually sit down with your little cousin and have him set up the internet for you and just watch it right in your own bedroom in your bed. You can just do it in bed.

I'm glad that you bring that up because I do feel that part of my art is all about intimacy and being really connected with my audience. And I feel like that's why the web is such a great platform for my, you know, visuals, visualizations. It's like, these are things that people can watch in their own homes. Speaking of intimacy, you were talking about some of the people you had sex with before we started recording. Oh, my God. I do not think that's great to talk about.

Just only because, like, you know, in Hollywood there are a lot of openly gay actors. And, you know, it is what it is. You come out as gay for your career. And some of these actors, you know, they have other interests. And I have, you know, slept with some of them. And I don't want to out anyone or name any names. Well, now just say, let's just say now we're talking about a different thing where we just say actors' names. And so it's not part of the other discussion.

But now we're just saying the names of it's not part of the other discussion, but now we're just saying the names of some actors as part of a different thing, just listing them off. Right, okay, so for example, Neil Patrick Harris. He's an actor who's very famous. And people think he's gay. A lot of people do think that. But, you know, I don't know. He even thought that is what he said.

Which is weird. it's like and why are you hitting on me you know and now it's now let's go back to the other conversation about actors who you have slept with yeah and let's talk about the kind of stuff that like a certain one of those actors would like to do sexually so for example for example, I mean, they just, like, are really into, like, my body and just, like. Totally. You know, going down on me and stuff. That's, like, the main thing. What about your butt?

Yeah, obviously there's a lot of that as well. But it's just frustrating. You know, it's, like, I get that careers are important to us, but, like, be real. If you're straight, just let the world know. You don't have to hide it. It's just, like, be who you are. Yeah., but be real. If you're straight, just let the world know. You don't have to hide it. It's just be who you are. That frustrates me a lot. And also that Bryan Singer recently,

I don't know if you heard this story in the news, that he would go so far as to pretend that he raped a 17-year-old boy. Yeah, that's absurd. Just to perpetuate this thing that you have to be a gay sexual predator in order to advance your career. Yeah, because there's that whole Velveteen Mafia thing going that he wants to be a part of. But meanwhile, Bryan Singer is giving Esther the good stuff on the reg.

Yeah, it is frustrating in that sense as well. Are you going to do the X-Men stuff? Oh, the X-Men movie series? Movie? I don't know yet. I have a few scheduling conflicts coming up, so we haven't aligned the dates yet, but I'm hoping to work it out.

Are you getting in shape? Okay. I'm just looking at you, and I'm just kind of seeing you. Thank you, first of all. Yeah. Thank you. No, I, so when I, this is like a common thing that people know and I'd love to explain it here. When I started my career in comedy, I was a little bit heavier and it was a problem.

Largest-er. Yeah. I mean, I guess. But like, so then, you know, you're doing comedy for a couple years and like who comes along UTA they're like we want to sign you and I'm like oh my god this is great and what a lot of people some in the industry know it's like once you sign on with one of the top five agencies like you have to get your shit together like there are weigh-ins every Tuesday morning and your agent oh UTA does them on Tuesdays yeah they do do you have you heard other the Oh, UTA does them on Tuesdays? Yeah, they do.

Do you... Have you heard of them? The WME weigh-ins are on Thursdays, which is so much better for me. Yeah, that's cool. I think Tuesday is fair because it gives you just like a day after the weekend to like get your shit together.

But yeah, so we have our Tuesday weigh-ins and those are what really motivated me to lose the extra 30 pounds I had to lose. And I'm still working towards my goal of 90, but I'm at 98 right now, so I think we'll get there. 98 pounds lost? No, I'm sorry. You weigh 98 pounds.

I weigh 98 pounds, and I'm looking to get down to 90 so that I can qualify for more A-list, just roles with more lines, more speaking parts. And you will have lost a total of 90 pounds at that point is that what you were saying no no no i will be 90 pounds at that point in time from um it's not proper to say your starting weight but sure you know you get the picture i'm sure well now let's go to a different conversation. And we're not talking about weight necessarily.

We're just saying numbers. Okay. So I would say 130. Yuck. It's awful. I'm five feet tall. That's like obese. It is obese.

It says it on my driver's license that I used to be obese. So it's difficult. That's why you drive so carefully. I do. Well, I try not. Because if you get pulled over. Right. That's why I can't drive.

I have to Uber everywhere I go. Yeah, because when you have a drive-on pass, it's a lot. I've seen you before. You rollerblade in. Yeah, I'll rollerblade. I've been known to do that. And I usually actually don't have, sorry, I'm getting over a little thing from my travels. But usually I don't have a drive-on pass just because the law guys know me. I'm very unique, and there aren't many people like me, so I tend to be memorable.

Women comedians. Yeah. You're the only one who limbo's under the gate on rollerblades. I've done that, yeah. You know, I'm silly. I have a silly side for sure. The law entry bit that you have is so important. And this is something we haven't talked about that is a nice thing.

Like the way you present yourself to the people at the gate as much as the people in the room that you're having meetings with. Like you're asking for water bit. We have talked about. But the bit that you do when you actually go on to the lot. Well, if you think they're not radioing up and saying, hey, someone just cracked my whole shit up with a funny rollerblade limbo and letting a Kevin Reilly or a Les Moonves know, I think it was that girl, Little Esther. Yours is really special if you're interested in sharing yours.

Now that it's sort of played out and you aren't really going to use it anymore. Yeah, well, it was topical, so that's why I'm not doing it as much. I do think you're onto something, though. It's like be nice to the door guy. Be nice to the guy who lets you into the lot. Be nice to the janitors. Be nice to the guy who lets you into the lot. Be nice to the janitors. Be nice to the guy driving the golf cart.

You never know who's in direct connection with a studio head or an executive or a buyer. Or is an undercover boss. That is exactly true. You never know

if they're just the president of CBS. Like you said, it's just undercover hanging out. Well, Les Moonby's daughter I think drives a golf cart right now. Really? Yeah. Oh my God, that's just undercover, hanging out. Well, Les Moonby's daughter, I think, drives a golf cart right now.

Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's crazy. I heard that. She's also a big girl. It's about convenience. She's doing very well, and it's not her job.

No, she just drives a golf cart from room to room in her home. Great person to meet. Yeah. Esther, did you see Office Space? Oh, my God, I did. Oh, my God, I just spilled water all over myself. I'm such a klutz. You do have a silly side.

Thank you. I really like that. Because to see you and all these other actresses, because you handle yourself with such grace when you're doing a role and things like that Thank you. Well that comes down to like 12 years of strict ballet training so thank you. But to just know it really humanizes you to know that

you will sometimes just like do a funny mistake. Oh my god thanks and stuff like that. That's funny. Like a person a human being who goofs up sometimes. And that you just like to sometimes just like wear PJs. Oh my God, yeah. I never even think of that.

That was such an interesting thing about you. Thank you. Well, this flannel is Prada, but it does look like less. It looks a little worn, but that's just like the wash of it. So yeah, they're a product. They send my publicist stuff from time to time. It's really nice actually. It's kind of a great gig.

Yeah. Yeah. So, Office Space. Yeah. You did see it. I did see it. I was so young at the time, but I did see it. What do you remember about it?

I just remember, like, just, like, classic humor and just laughing and honestly just being like, wow, like, these actors, like, they have, this show has a voice. This movie has a vision. Totally. I get where they're coming from. You know, I think the most important thing in comedy is, like, what are you trying to say? And if you can make me laugh while I'm crying, you have me.

And that, for me, is what that movie did. And isn't it funny the way offices can be? Totally. Oh, my God. People don't think of that. It's so true. It's like, yes, we get it. It's a mundane thing to everyone, but there's small quirks in there that can make you laugh

any time. Yes. What happened to Rob Livingdale? I don't know. Where is he? Rob Livingdale. I don't know. Where is he?

You know, this town chews people up and it spits them out. And you hate to think about that sometimes. But I think he aged out of the kind of roles that he was supposed to be doing. And it might get back to what you were saying because he was so overtly straight that maybe executives were starting to get a little concerned about what the backlash would be if they hired him for more things. Whereas if he

had maybe pretended to have forced a 17-year-old boy to perform fellatio on him, he might now be starring in a Big Bang Theory or a Captain America Winter Soldier, which to me was almost an improvement on the first, which I loved,

because the story got developed in a nice way where you, like, it honored what they had told you about the characters, but you also learned more. I liked that there was no CG. I'm tired of all this CG. Thank you. Ugh. Whatever happened to actors and actresses doing scenes together

and not so much computers? Yeah, that's what people forget. It's like this is an art form. Yes. This is art. We're artists. We have artistries. And let us do that.

I hate when digital things like that try to replace the real thing. It just never works. It's crazy. Whatever happened to just pointing at a camera at two people and just saying, just go, and that's the movie? That's the movie. You know? I mean, that was what some of our favorite movies was. I actually directed a play that was similar to that. It's like, let's just get these two people

and let's build the movie. I'm sorry, the play through the two artists. And it was like, it was a great hit in my directing advanced theater studio class senior year of high school. I got an A. I was the only person in my class to get an A. So intimate. Yeah. What happened? Was it about family? It was about two former lovers.

Oh, my God. Esther. Yeah, thank you. I brought in a guest director, my ex-boyfriend, who was a student at NYU at the time, and he kind of really influenced the play. Heavy. I know. What's the meanest internet comment you've ever gotten, Esther?

Oh my god, I would say like, you have the face of a 15-year-old and the body of a 35-year-old. That's probably the meanest. That's not nice. That's not nice. I can't even imagine 35 speaking of the age of body parts you have child hands and when you were a child you were a hand model oh my god did you guys look me up or something oh my god i'm so flattered my little cousin is pretty big whiz on the internet with computer stuff sam okay yes um i did my first taste of the acting bug, so to speak, was...

You ate a bug? Yeah. You know, that's just like the saying, taste the acting bug. I became a hand model. I was with a talent agency in Chicago, and I hand modeled for the American Girl Dog Catalog, and it was a lot of work, you know, but it was worth it. I was in for the American Girl Doll Catalog and it was it was a lot of work you know but it was worth it I was in for which dolls were you holding um I held a

collection called like the tiny collection so I was really working because my hands are so small were they miniature versions of the classic dolls they were so were you holding Molly Samantha Molly Felicity all of the girls yeah yeah. And all of their accessories. I'm so excited you know about it. It's awesome. Well, I was in Williamsburg, Virginia when they premiered the American Girl doll Felicity. No way. She was from Colonial Times.

Oh my God, that's amazing. That is so cool. We should have a reunion. They had great rock candy down there in the Williamsburg community where they have old-time candy shops. I could totally see that, yeah. And big jawbreakers the size of your fist. I mean, that thing will really break your jaw, not like the ones they make nowadays. I hear that for sure.

Now, you have small hands. I do. And they wanted you to hold a small doll so it would look like a normal-sized doll and they could trick people into buying something that was actually small. Paying full price for a very tiny doll. I think I was so young at the time that I wasn't aware if that was the case, but I was just like, hey, I'm a 10-year-old. I'm here to hand model.

When I leave, my parents are going to buy me an inflatable chair as a present, and it's going to be worth it. And, you know, you do that job, and it's like there are a lot of downfalls. It's like, yes, I paid for my college, but did I have to, like, wear sunscreen on my hands unnecessarily all the time? Yeah, I did. Like, it's a hard gig. They try to get away.

Logo on the chair. I'm sorry, logo on the inflatable chair. Was there a logo? You know, back in that time, it was like a mail order thing, like from a magazine. So I don't know. So there were no logos. Yeah, I don't. That was before logos.

It was before logos. Yeah. In like the late 90s. Okay. He had something well i just wanted to talk about how when you are so young and it's easier for you to be exploited sometimes especially in modeling they can sort of get away with some things i don't know if you had any experience with that um if i did i just you know those are things i work out in therapy usually.

Ooh, therapy. Or what if we just did this? We'll leave aside the conversation about what happened to you when you were hand modeling as a little girl. Leaving that aside. And now we're just talking about unrelated sexual events. Gotcha. That don't have to necessarily be connected to. Gotcha. So just describe something they could have had.

Or anyone. And with someone famous. Okay. In general, I would just say the word rape, if that makes sense. And that's just saying it. That's just throwing that out there on the table. It's just a word. That's just a word that can happen.

And then the word Pope as well hmm yeah why not yeah but let's talk about something more positive oh wait i'm so sorry i'm getting a text oh one second it's kendall okay kendall just all i'm gonna say is don't be friends with a girl who's been on the Kardashian show if you don't want your texts buzzing all the time. Wow. Kendall Gill was on the Kardashian show? No. Someone else. Played basketball.

Her father is an Olympic athlete. Oh. Yeah. She's great. Yeah. Kendall Ono. She's a sweetheart. Kendall Blair. Bonnie Blair is her dad. Yeah. Kendall Ono. She's a sweetheart. Kendall Blair.

Bonnie Blair is her dad. Close. Hey, you said let's talk about something more positive, and I'd love to. Got any life hacks? Let me think. Well, this is sort of a life hack. I recently became, I made the big transition from just a regular actress to someone who is officially offer only. Major life hack.

Yeah. Wow. Big life hack. No more dragging your butt down to Santa Monica in the middle of the day. Offer only. We had a ceremony. My parents flew in. It was a big deal.

Really nice. Yeah. Let's explain what offer only means. Because if you're listening to this podcast in a place like Oklahoma or Nebraska or something, you're used to getting paid to do work. Like in exchange for work. You chop a bunch of bricks in half or whatever and then they give you a pile of shekels. But out here, and like what's happening with Esther, you get to a place where people will just give you money, and you don't actually have to do anything to get it,

and that's where you are now. Well, that is technically a holding deal, and I have that as well, but offer only means more just like we have an offer for you you have bypassed the audition process we're not going to ask you're enough of a name we're not going to ask you to audition for our projects here's the offer it's you know whatever it is 100k for you know however many episodes of a show or an offer as opposed to like, please come audition. It's been really helpful. Did you not know that?

No, I did. And that's actually exactly what I said. And like, that's weird. That's so weird. Not really what you said. No,

it is exactly what I said. I said, I said, it's where the offer is money, right? Uh, yeah, kind of. Esther, I said I said it's where the offer is money right uh yeah kind of

Esther wasn't that kind of a little weird the way he said it it was weird cause you did explain a holding deal as opposed to being

offer only that was a holding deal what you said fuck I don't understand like this is oh my god this is I don't understand. This is... Oh, my God. This is mortifying.

I can't even look at you right now. I'm so embarrassed for you. This is being fucking recorded. Holy shit. Dude, we might have to cancel the fucking podcast. This is so awkward. Oh, my God. You guys, it's...

Should we just... I don't know what to say. I could... You know what? This is a good time for me to announce my new line of self-tanning lotions that are available at CVS exclusively. They're called Little Esther's Tan L lotion and uh just check those out and what makes them special versus say a bigger name brand tan lotion okay so they're they have like more of

a glitter infusion and um they last longer and they're made of organic products and this is a little dicey but you can put them on anywhere, right? You can. You can put them anywhere in your body, including your face, and yeah. Well, of course I know what a holding deal is. A talent holding deal, it's sometimes spelled with a hyphen, talent hyphen holding deal. It's a contract between an entertainer or artist and a representing agency. Valid, while the agency is developing a movie television program,

live performance act, album, or entertainment venue for artists. But you didn't know what offer only was. I can even give you an example of one. No one ever asked you what a holding deal was. You just described it. We were talking about offer only. Well, of course I know what the difference between that is to offer

only Hollywood is something where Lowe's Hollywood Hotel Oh my God. So the tan makes your skin darker, huh? The lotion?

Yeah, it's great It's totally 100% natural and organic And I sampled a lot of different tanning lotions And really made the best mix that I felt I did the research And I'm not going to put my name on something That isn't truly the most excellent option out there on the market What other products is your name on already?

So we have our nail polish line. We have leggings, of course. I've seen some lip gloss, I think. Yes, we have a lip gloss. That's on hold right now. Those sold out really fast. And then we have crop tops, like glittery crop tops that are coming soon. What about beanbag chairs?

Beanbag chairs, that's an interesting pitch. I mean, we have talked about that because there is such a big demand for those right now, especially like celebrity design beanbag chairs. So that is something that is in the works. It just feels like this is enough. That this is enough. How long has this been, Brett?

Just seems like we're hitting the same beats over and over again, and we can just get out now. Almost 30 minutes? That's plenty. And you know, and all the stuff from before. A lot of times we do 35 or 40 minutes with a guest, and maybe even we take some out. This one is, I think, 30 is.

I haven't even talked about my theatrical vlog yet. She has a vlog she wanted to describe. Why? Do you have somewhere to be? I mean, it seems like your demeanor has changed. I just want it to be good, and it feels like five minutes ago, we just hit a ditch. Well, that's around the time that you made a pretty big oopsie, you know, and I don't think we need to dance around it.

Well, I already explained that I know what it is. You said something about a hotel or something. Can I ask a question? Have you ever tried transcendental meditation? I just brought it up because I think that it's something I could see really working for you. It's part of what made David Lynch's movie so much better now. Right. So you think that'll help me know what stuff is better?

It would help me focus. I think it would just ease your... There's a lot of tension coming from your chakras right now, and I just feel like some transcendental meditation mixed with crystal therapy, I think you would be famous the next day. I could see that really working for you. Yeah.

And maybe in a way, maybe what's going on is you know so much that it's all jumbled up there. Well, we get exposed to so much information these days in our phones and always getting calls and, like, even, like, the labels on, like, products has, like, so much information now. We're supposed to look at, like, calories and, like, also, like, how much sugar it has and stuff like that. And, like. Do you live near, like, a radio tower? I'm just curious because this is a common thing.

Well, yeah. I mean, I want my stuff to come in fast okay well maybe it is best then if we sort of wrap this one up I usually do it okay

little Esther Hayes is going to wrap us up and take you out and he'll do it now. Okay. Esther, thank you so much for... You want me to handle it? Yeah.

Esther, it's just been a real treat having you here. Is there anything you want to plug real quick before you go? I would just say check out my web series, Esther with Hot Chicks on mtboother.com. And also, of course, there's Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, obviously. And then I would also like to say just thank you for tuning in and also keep on being a lookout for my next theatrical vlog. Okay.

And then we're a podcast. We're called Hollywood Handbook, and that's what you listen to. And you can see us on Earwolf and iTunes. You could write a review, and you can talk to us on the forums, and you can like our Facebook page, and you can follow me on Twitter. I'm at Sean Clements, but don't follow Hayes. And then we want to say thank you to our listener who bought the pro version this week, and his name is Washington Monugent.

And as a gift, Esther is going to tell him the name of one person who we thought was one sexual orientation, but turns out they're a different one. Cool. Awesome. You guys, thank you so much. Do you want to do that? She's going to do it. Oh, right now? Yeah.

But it's just for Washington Monument. Just for Washington Monument. So everyone else,plug your earbuds Gotcha It can be a big one Okay ready One, two, three Zachary Kinto

Bye Bye This has been an Earwolf Media Production Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman For more information visit Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead. That was a HateGum Podcast.