Hollywood Handbook - Live at UCB Sunset w/ Kumail Nanjiani

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

Sean and Hayes welcome Kumail Nanjiani on to the program to have a good talk about sex and body positivity.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I was saying, down, down, down, down, down. I was, where was I? It's me and Dross. Star Fox is mad at him. You know this guy? I don't get into that, any of that stuff. I don't bring up Star Fox anymore.

of that any of that stuff i don't bring up starfox anymore um safer to go this is my relationship with andros yes thank you and starfox has his and i have my relationship with star with starfox and i keep those this far apart so we're at the dinner convention where you go to the convention center and it's like the booth set up for like different things you go to the convention center and it's like the booth set up for like different things you can have for dinner foods. And so there's like the pasta booth and like, oh, they had that. Yes. Pasta was there. Yes.

Last second. Oh, nice. There's a area. Whoa. And I get to the Chick-fil-A. It's like this whole thing is this whole setup and the cows are there.

And the cows are like tricking you. Well, they're like really fine. I know, but like they've been doing this for a long time and they're like really

like into it now and because it has been working. But they have an ulterior motive. I know. Yes. So Andros explained this to me that they are trying to get people to eat the chicken instead of them. Yes. really like into it now and because it has been an ulterior motive i know yes so andrew has explained this to me that they are trying to get people to eat the chicken instead of them yes no yeah yeah that's what i was saying yeah uh because it's good chicken yeah and they want you to think

oh we're just here to help out tell you the to eat the good chicken. Yeah. But Hayes. Yeah. And they painted those signs. They have a reason. Yeah. Well, their spelling's not great. Yeah. So now, anyway, what they're trying to do, this has worked so well, now they're trying to get us to all eat chicken milk.

Oh. Because they don't want to get jerked off in a bucket anymore. Yes. So they're like, how much farther can we go with this? Yeah. And so they've got all this chicken milk out and they're like really zeroing in on me for some reason. I don't know. But they're like, yeah.

Well, you're the milkman. Yeah, but not like I have not been the milkman for an extremely long time. But you had a long career in pro wrestling as the milkman. You would show up and deliver the pain out of a nice, fresh glass bottle. Yeah, and that was another kind of trick. And you'd leave with the misses of the house as well, if I recall.

Because they would think that they were just getting a tall glass of milk, with the missus of the house as well. Because they would think that they were just getting a tall glass of milk, but it ends up being glass of milk. In their nose. The chicken milk. They want me to eat this stuff.

And you do eat it, because it's like... It's mostly feathers. There are feathers in it. It's like... It's not white. There are feathers in it. It's not white. It's like dark gray. You eat it with a fork. Not even with a spoon. Now I'm suddenly part of the show.

And people are like, eat it, eat it. And you're not even getting paid. I know. Yes. And you're not even getting paid. I know. Yes. And so I take a big snip, but they're like, sniff it first. And so I sniff it. It smells cold.

It's like all cold. Smells cold. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, believe me. Yeah. Yeah. That's cold.

Ooh. And so I eat it. I take a big bite and I have a sort of a funny joke prepared. Oh no. Right? I would expect nothing less good, sir.

And so I, can you guess what my joke was? Oh yeah, about the chicken milk? I'm eating chicken milk. And I have three words. It's a three word joke? Three word joke.

And I turn to the audience and I smile. No. I turn to the audience and I smile. This is what I want to do. I turn to the audience and I smile and I say tastes like chicken. But instead stops here. That's four. I turn to the audience, I smile, and I say, tastes like chicken. But instead, I do a big barf.

I go, I get like T-A now. That's part of the joke? Ultimately, I tried. I was like smiling as I was doing it. Played it off. Yeah. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. And inside, we've got a good buddy dropping names. He's like,

we call showbiz. What up, what up? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, and it's our guide to getting buddy-jumping names who's like Capitoline Black, always in this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Thank you for coming to the big show. The big show, everyone. Everyone's favorite platform, Stitcher Premium. I fucking love this job so much. It's the best job in the world.

They are. I don't just plug Stitcher Premium as an employee. I do it as a fan person. I sometimes forget that I even have a financial relationship with Stitcher Premium. I literally forgot I worked there. I literally forgot I worked there. I just was telling someone about it because I love listening to all the shows. Yeah.

And then I accidentally, every once in a while, big huge check shows up all the shows. Yeah. And then I accidentally every once in a while, big huge check shows up at the mail. Yes. This is the best damn job in the world. Yes. God, I love my job. And it's almost like we're doing it for free for three years.

I can tell you have something big to say. Go ahead. Don't tell him. It's a big secret. Please don't ever tell anyone. I'd do it for free. Right, that's what I said. We did do that for a very long time. I'd pay them.

So this is such a premium show. We is a Hollywood show. We talk about Hollywood on the show. We talk about movies. We talk about TV. We would be making a mistake to not talk about what's going on in Hollywood right now. So the sort of big Hollywood news, which is this is good for me because people at home will think that what I'm saying is funny. The Hollywood status, current Hollywood status is potential strike and scary

uh the writers guild is having a fight yes with their dad basically happening yes hey look to put it in terms you all can understand not everybody works works in showbiz. They're having a fight with their dad. And they're our dad. Your dad ever come down on you too hard and you go like, hey, man, screw you, pal. Right. Well, that's what's going on.

And they are our dad, so that's grandpa. Yeah. And we're like kind of upstairs in the tub and mom put us in there just to be like, just take a tub. Just cool out, yeah. Just take a little tubby, but we can kind of upstairs in the tub. And mom put us in there just to be like, just take a tub. Just cool out.

Yeah. Just take a little tubby. But we can kind of hear. There's a ducky. We can kind of hear what's going on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we got our bathing suits on. And you're scared.

And you're scared. I'm comforting you. Oh, yeah. We are members of the guild, of the writer's guild. And we did take the Writer's Oath. Yeah, and we had to get the badge inserted under our skin. Do you want to do the Writer's Oath? The Writer's Guild Oath?

We say, I pledge to always tell the truth. I'm always never going to be fake or lie. And unless it's time to be funny. And then when it's, yes. Yes. And then it's okay. Yes. And so we really take that seriously.

Yeah. In fact, we do. And so we support our guys in the war. Solid. But we also, we do want to address people, conversations. We have set up employment. If there is a strike, we have set up some work opportunities. You got to eat.

And it's not scab people. We just want to get out in front of this. We're scabbing around. Everybody goes like, you're scabbing. You're a scab. You're crossing the line. Disgusting. We just want to explain really quickly, and we're just going to burn through it. You're scabbing. You're a scab. You're crossing the line. We just want to explain really quickly,

and we're just going to burn through it. You'll understand. You can tell your friends when they go, we heard those guys are scabbing. No, they're not. You're scabbing on your knee, and the guy's got a scraped knee. And it's harsh, but it has to be said.

So that's what you tell them, because in fact, we're not. And what we're doing is, we're just going to be working on a boat yeah we are going to be writing tv shows but this time it is on a cruise ship so it is not in america international waters it's called the writers guild of america and we are writing the on the writers guild of the boat so technically and the shows. So technically... And the shows are not the same. The shows are... No.

I'm going to be working on... It's the boat office. Yes, the boat office. It's parks and boat recreation. Yeah. It's boat bosh. I'm doing... Did you get an offer on boat blackish-ish?

Which is black. The scripts are the same as blackish, but some of the characters are not black. Yeah, I'm doing punch up on their life. This what do I mean? But that

I'm also that's not the only like we're also going to be joining a Chinese basketball team which joining a Chinese basketball team, which is not Chinese basketball season, really. It's their off season. But what they do in the off season, people don't realize what they do over there. The rules are you write jokes for James Corden in the off season

on a Chinese basketball league. Yeah. And here's one of the jokes. La, la, la, la. So. So he's going to, he will crush that. So why don't we start talking to our guests?

Hey. Yeah, okay. Well, first I want to talk about sort of a new thing we're doing for the show. And his ears are perking up back there. Because this is a special... You guys came all the way here in one car.

And we do want to reward you for that. And also go a little different direction than we've gone in the past on this show. We believe in sex positivity. We don't talk about it a lot because that's the culture. The culture is like, like oh this is like

you should be scared of this no one's allowed to mention and people want to cover it up with their hands they literally call them unmentionables your underpants and I think it's time to start mentioning them on this podcast tonight people are in their underpants

covering it up with both hands tiptoeing offstage. That's what most people are doing. And they're going, tiptoeing offstage in their underpants. But I'm pulling the hands off. That's what I would like to see more of. In a way, but they like it. Not in a mean way.

And we now go, okay, is there anyone we know who embodies sex positivity? Is there anyone we know? That kind of like sexual openness. Who has been way ahead of the curve on this thing and just saying like, hey, I got this stuff down here and sometimes I do stuff with it. And there is. And he's taking you on that journey with him. Yeah. Like you're in there, in the room while he's doing all this stuff.

He's inside it with you. And so we have him here tonight. It's Camille Nanjiani. And he's coming out now. Thank you for doing this. This is really great to have you here for the new sort of... Special K, what up, dude? Is that a power move?

You tell me, muchacho. We should get comfortable because that's what this is. Okay, well, let's nobody do their feet on them. I didn't know that this was the sex episode. We should get comfortable. Okay, well, let's nobody do their feet on them. I didn't know that this was the sex episode. You guys didn't tell me about that. Well, couldn't you guess when we wanted you to be our guest? No, last time I did it, it was video games, which is much more.

It was Fight Havre Fast Drive. We did the game. Fast Drive edition, yeah. I remember, I remember. Which is a big game. How did that go? You know, it seems like something that you might... What's the status of that? Are you still striking over that too?

The video game stuff? How did that go? We shot the whole thing. You shot the game? Yes. We filmed it on our phones. What do you mean you shot the game? Just as like a presentation for the game yes we shot it on our phones what do you mean you shot the game just as like a presentation you shot it guys we thought it would be good for them to see what sort of what we made

a sizzle yeah you guys made a sizzle you guys sizzled it yeah yeah we'll we sizzled it and it's going it's so hot right now it's one of the hottest properties going around the rooms. And so Sean is driving around, and he's running. No, I remember the fucking game. But you haven't seen the technology behind it. It's just you guys on your phones filming. No, I'm on his shoulders. Because you need that view, that special view.

Because you see some of these games, and you have to get in a very specific spot. So I have to be kind of on his shoulders. So wait, so you've played games and your takeaway from playing games is... So you go to Best Buy and some of these kids, you watch them play these games, these kids are something else.

They're insane. And I'm literally going like, this is crazy or something but at the same time it's kind of cool so there's like this like special view where it's like the hands poking out do you know what i mean do you understand what i'm talking about the hands and so yeah i am i'm on sean's shoulders the hands upside down. Legs behind his head. Hanging back. Phone right side up. Pointing out with the hands. I'm not picturing it. What am I doing wrong, Sean? How can I do it more clearly?

Did you talk about your legs? I said my feet are sort of locked behind his neck. Okay, so your crotch is in his face and your feet are locked behind his neck. Well, so your crotch is in his face and your feet are locked behind his neck. You're getting a little ahead of yourself.

Yeah. Always pushing it there. Yes, but that's why we wanted you. We really love it. You are like, hey, boundaries, could you beat it for a second? I mean, that's always been your trademark. Nobody is less comfortable with sex

than I am. I hate my body. I hate that it can do things. I hate almost everything it wants to do. It's not good at doing any of them. So humble. And humble, too. What's the freakiest place you ever made Whoopi?

What's the freakiest place? I didn't know it was... I thought it was more video game stuff. Can we talk about... I don't know my bedroom, huh? Sick. Sick, you have a movie coming out. I do.

I have a project I worked on. I have a Hollywood project I worked on. Did you want to... Did you... Knowing you, did you want to make it the nasty version and accidentally type it wrong? Because the S and the D are right next to each other i will say for real if i google big sick the third thing down is uh people typos it's just like i want a big sick inside me yeah there's a lot of that yeah that's great for you

it's a real thing they want to put your movie in there. Mm-hmm. I'm okay with that. Mm-hmm. Where's the craziest place you ever made Whoopi? Oh, probably... Ooh. You know, we should move on to another question. Just time-wise, I think we're going to get swiped. What about you? As Sean just said, if there's no time

for him, there's certainly no time for me. So... We... And, like, I understand understand and i'd love to answer that question that's what's so crazy you guys are taking so long not answering the question you could just answer the question where's the way to place you've made whooping but what's even more interesting maybe is i have a really good crazy answer that's sort of intriguing but as one of the hosts of the show co co-host, sorry, Hayes. Yeah. So you can't keep up with the kind of language we're feeding to each other silently of time to move on to the next thing.

He's been giving me this symbol of you better not answer if Kamail throws it back to you. Yes. Because I've got a good question. I'm asking it to you. And as I'm getting ready to answer, he's giving it right back to me. Oh, yeah. I'm going, oh, hang on now. Fair's fair.

Yeah. Right. What's good for the goose and so forth. So, you know, that's sort of what's happening with us. But Hayes did have another question for you, and it is about sort of your stuff. Why do you like to get so nasty?

What is it about that? And follow up, are you addicted to it? Yes. I don't feel like any... I don't want to answer any of these questions. I feel like this is my business, me getting... And I'm not saying I like to get nasty. Don't infer that from what I'm saying. I'm just saying I don't want to comment on whether or not

I get nasty. And you crave the nastiness. Okay. Don't put words or anything else in my mouth, okay? Okay, and I see what he's doing there. And he's plugging his movie again. Which, Camille, I'm gonna see it thank you

it's called The Big Sick it comes out in June and July comes out in June and July double dipping more movies more movies should do that comes out

goes back in its hole it's like the Disney vault we put it out for a little while then we take it back then We put it out for a little while, then we take it back. Yeah. Then we put it out again. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. It plays random days and times through the weeks. So it opens in June, and then it's gone for the rest of June. Oh. And then it comes back one random July. Secret show. Yeah.

It's all secret shows. So the movie theater would just be like, we're playing a movie tonight. It'll be the only untitled movie playing in the theaters this summer. Okay. That'll be your hair. Cool. Kumail, you were telling us backstage that your romance language is touch.

Because we asked, of course, what is your romance language? Expecting an answer like Spanish or Italian. But you responded with touch. I really confided... I really told you that with the reasonable expectation that it wouldn't be brought up in a room full of strangers. Right, sure.

And that's why we only brought it up in this room full of our friends. Yeah. up in a room full of strangers. Right, sure. And that's why we only brought it up in this room full of our friends. And that's interesting. Your relationship with your fans, I guess, is different. But for us, we've shared so much with them. I have so many, I can't keep track of every single one.

Like, you guys have this many. Yeah. Which is great for you. That's so great. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You know, you gotta have this many. Yeah. Which is great for you. That's so great. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You know, you got to keep at it. There'll be more of these guys. But for me, like, I just, you know, who can, it's so many. I would love to go back to when I could be friends with all of them.

It's nice. I really miss the personal connection. It's one big family. We're kind of keeping it right there intentionally. Yeah. We found a rather ingenious strategy to sort of cap the fan base. I'm more brand than person now, really. I really think of myself as an entity, not as a person.

Did somebody come here from New York for this show? New Jersey. New Jersey. this show? New Jersey. New Jersey. That's not New York. But see, you don't even know how your fans watched you on TV. You don't know what the story was for how they got to the TV. I know that this guy came from somewhere close to New York. That's why we don't want to put it on TV.

You know, this podcast. It doesn't work as a show for me because I need to know who's watching it, how, where, why. And that there's not that many of them. I don't give a shit. Camille, we... Top five erogenous zones.

Go. Shaft. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, same. Got to go. That's got to be number one. Yes, that can be something of an erotic area, can't it?

I would say tip. Wow. Close second. Okay. I can picture it. Lefty. Lefty. Okay, all right. Wow.

Okay. Butthole. Okay. Yeah, that's got to be on the list,ole. Okay. And then righty. Yeah, that's got to be on the list, sure. Yeah. So that's before righty. And then righty, yeah.

That difference of you... Between lefty and then righty? Yeah, that they're separated by that much. It's not that much. It's very close, all three. Okay. But that seems medical to me. What do you mean, seems medical to you?

That lefty... What do you mean, seems medical to you? I am trying... What the fuck do you mean? I am trying to help you. Okay. And the fact that there would be such... I don't know, why...

That there would be such a difference between lefty... It goes lefty, you're getting such a different experience. If you want to ask me a question and... Listen to my answer and accept it. Why do you have to challenge my answer? We're not going to get to the bottom of this today. And you never answered why you like to be so nasty. Oh.

Fair. And this seems almost like a dodge of that. It's not a dodge. I ranked my top five. Is it possible that that is, I wonder if that's in the movie and you don't want to give it away for free? You're saying buy a ticket.

Why you like to be so messed up. Yeah. Yeah, and how much you crave it. And if I could just pose sort of a fun game that I thought of. So it's sort of a, you know, either or thing.

And would you prefer, Kumail, a million dollars in a big house and mansion and a boat or 15 minutes with a leggy brunette? And you can only pick one. And it's gotta be the brunette, my man. So then it's not really a choice.

Right? Not for me either. Dude. Enough chit chat. Let's get down to biz. Yeah, so a lot of these shows, these sexually upfront podcasts that are out there, we'll just talk about it. We are going to,

Sean and I have been working on some scenes, some sort of, some erotic scenes. As always, we can't turn it off. We got the creative faucet running on overdrive. Yeah. We get our, you know,

creative water bill and we go like, what the heck? And then we go like, I guess sounds right because it's, you know. But we've been working on these scenes

that embrace this side of ourselves. Why creative water bill? Why isn't it just a creative bill? Why is it creative water bill? Well, because in real life I had a leak in my sprinkler line and my water bill was really high.

I think Kumail is a business manager so he's just getting the one big bill. It's not like paying each individual utility anymore. Right, that makes sense. I like to be friends with each one each individual utility anymore. Right. That makes sense. I like to be friends with each one of my utility bills. I don't like them to be this stranger, this foreign stranger to me. He's not foreign.

They could do anything. You don't need it. He's in a recita. So we've been writing these scenes, these little scene lists. Yeah, just that flitter into our imagination and we sprinkle them down on paper and then we go, oh, that's pretty good.

So we wanted to bring them to life a little bit here for you. And as Hayes said, there's some other podcasts and radio shows that are emerging that embrace the idea of sex but don't actually perform it. And do... That's why this is special for a live show. We're going to have sex. There'll be... idea of sex, but don't actually perform it.

That's why this is special for a live show. We're going to have sex. Live sex acts on stage. We're all adults here. Wait, wait, wait. What? Yes, we have protection.

You guys are going to have sex on stage? Well, I'm going to read the stage directions. Yeah. Wait, hold on. He's in more of a sort of director mode. Okay, hold on. He's just got that eye.

This was not part of. So, okay, so you're just going to like masturbate or something on stage? Well, let's see what the script says and where it takes us because. I don't know. Wouldn't it be so weird to be like, here's exactly what we're going to do and then read it. We're about to read a scene and here's what will happen in the scene. It's like, come on, man.

I'm not going to fuck on stage. If I go to your movie, are you standing outside the movie just being like, when you go in, you're going to see this scene, this scene, that scene. No, but I'm not also... Come back in July when we open again. No, but I'm also not forcing people to have sex with me. No, I'm not.

No, yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay. I'm not going to... I'll read it, but I'm not going to perform. And we'll see. We'll just see. I'm not going to do it.

This is good. Because once he gets into it... No, I promise you I'm not actually good. Once he reads a couple of lines... I can actually do it. I have a feeling to do it. This is good. Because once he gets into it. No. I promise you I'm not actually good. Once he reads a couple of lines. I have a feeling that his tune will change a little bit. It's going to be more exciting for the audience. Because we promised an X-rated show. Yes.

And right now they're thinking like, oh, are they not actually going to do it? And he starts reading the script. And then we actually do it even more than they thought they were going to do. And he's loving it the most of all. Yes. And he's craving the nastiness. And I'm pointing that kumail.

Stop it. I'm not going to, I'll read the thing, but I'm not going to. Perfect. Okay, great. Let's get our scripts out. Mm-hmm, let's do it. And we're reading them.

Crinkle. I'll move over here. I'll move over here. So you guys can have the space to kind of like work around. Yeah. Okay. Do you see your highlights? Yeah.

It's highlighted. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. Very professional. Interior. The space needle. Sean's looking out, does a big sniff.

Ah, cold today. Ah. Would that I had someone to share this delicious coffee with. Here in Seattle. The Pacific Northwest. The lights go out. The space needle is closed for the evening.

Oh, rats, I'm locked inside. Guess I'll wait till morning here alone, lonesome. The night waiter arrives. He's here to serve people who sometimes get locked into this base, you know. Hello, sir. Coffee or tea? Oh, nice arms. Sean surreptitiously throws out the coffee that he is already drinking.

I love a coffee. I haven't had any all day. All right, I'll bring you a coffee. Do you like it black? Or with chicken milk in it? No. It's an either or. And the answer is no. You don't want coffee?

Oh, um, oh, okay. What was the first one again? Black. And give me the second. Chicken milk. And the first one more time? Black. Surprise me.

Sean gets a phone call. All right. I'm so sorry. I have to take this. Go ahead. It's my doctor's best friend. You got the Sean man. What's crack-a-lackin', muchacho?

That's highlighted, Camille. Sorry, was that not highlighted? Yeah, sorry. Hey, Sean. You're supposed to be over. Where are you? You're breaking up. I can't hear anything. You're supposed to be over at my place.

Where are you? Are you in an elevator or something? Right. Important. Important. Bah. It just said B And then four A's I don't know how you say that Is that bah?

That's your You can interpret that however you I like I don't do line readings So don't We never give a read I know some of you guys don't like that We don't give a read

Yeah Bah Okay Okay. That was my doctor's best friend. It sounded like he's in trouble or something and maybe has a sheep with him. All right, sir, I'll go get your coffee. I'll be about 45 minutes. Okay.

The space needle stops turning, which I believe it does. And the force of it throws both of them off their feet and they fall separately to the ground. Ah, it stopped turning. Yeah, it knocked me over pretty good.

Yeah, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. I'm here every night. Usually. Well, even the weekend? Like every night? Or sorry, what's your schedule? What's your work schedule?

Well, it is a weekend. It's Saturday night. Okay. Yeah. Okay, great. I get Tuesdays and Thursdays off. Okay, cool. I don't know why you want to know this.

I'm here right now. And so am I. Nice legs. You too. nice legs you too oh you didn't have to say that you mean it these are the best legs I've ever seen and I've seen a lot of night legs

oh these old spinly old neverminds you must be talking about somebody else. I feel like I'm just a sack of flour with two chopsticks coming out of it half the time. I didn't really think my legs were nothing special, but hearing you say that, man, that's got me juiced up. Something ferocious. And I'm basically about to really get involved in some stuff.

What kind of stuff? The lights go on again, and the space needle resumes turning. All right, well, it's the morning. I'm off shift. See you later. Okay, never mind. Okay, bye. See you later. Okay, so that scene... Okay, so that scene... That scene sort of whet everyone's appetite, huh? There was no sex in that

scene, you guys. It was supposed to... I was going to give you the sex page, which was sort of right after that, if it was sort of moving in that direction. If we felt it, yeah. I think part of your performance I think was not really, it was like great.

Not something that would turn on Sean necessarily. That's okay. We know each other pretty well. Yeah. Okay. That's totally fine. I'm totally okay not getting to the sex. Something about the desperation of it? From my side? Yes. It was a little sweaty. You of it. Yeah. From my side?

Yes. It was a little sweaty. You wanted it so bad. I, no. Yeah. That's, you guys. That it was uncomfortable for me where I'm going like,

well, this is kind of pathetic. You guys. Because I know, because I've read the rest of the movie, it's just a fling, and it seemed like you needed it to be like really a long-term thing for you. Well, I kind of fill a character, you know.

Well, you were open. I'd fill a character, you know what I mean? All right. Should we try another one that is maybe going to cool you down just enough? Yeah, maybe a scene too hot? Yes. Maybe a scene bearing in mind that it's just a movie, man. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. Just give me the fucking scene. I'll do it. He's used to, you know what he... I'm doing you guys a favor by reading these scenes.

I don't need to be critiqued so harshly. He's used to working with his wife a lot, so I think he gets in a place where natural horniness of just acting this stuff out. That's part of work for him. I think he associates work

with that. That's interesting to think about. So I think you have sort of become his wife. Oh, wow. That's interesting to be true about someone. I don't just work with my wife. So maybe we read one that's a little more casual, less like, you know, just no feelings. Let's take it easy.

Okay. Go to the third one. Throw it away. Skip the second one. Go to the third one. Second one too intense. Let's do the third one. Skip the second one. Go to the third one. Second one too intense. Let's do the third one. Interior.

Adult math school. All the adults are there to learn math. The teacher is at the top of the room. Can I give you a note on the script? Already? Is that okay? I have two notes. Okay. One.

It's locked, but sure. All right, never mind. Keep going. No, no, no. locked, but sure. All right, never mind. Keep going. No, no, no. Let's hear them. Okay. You should set it in a place that, first of all, your first location shouldn't be like a big buy for the audience.

They shouldn't have to buy that a place exists. There's no such place as adult math school, so that's tough. But shouldn't there be, Camille? Don't you feel that way? And if there was, don't you think it would naturally lend itself to some romance? The other... No, I don't think there should be adult math school, and no, I don't think

it would lead to any romance. And the other thing is, you said, your first line was, all the adults are there to learn math. And you got a little steamed up, I saw, at that stage direction. You can't really say what

people are there for. You could just say a bunch of adults are there. That's just sort of a inside screenwriting. But to do what? I'm sitting here reading this, I'm like, what, is it sitting school? We had it that way no we did I forgot that

yes we did have it that way and we were very confused by our own script it said interior adult math school adults are there what do you think they could be there for well fortunately we decided and wrote it down they're there to learn math.

But they could have been, you know, playing floor hockey or something. Why would they be playing floor hockey? Because it's gym class period. Why is there gym class period at adult math school? That's a school, Kumail. That's part of school. They don't get to blow off steam ever. Take it up with the state,

Kumail. They have all these rules now. It's Michelle Obama, honestly. I mean, I didn't want to get into this, but she's having these kids eat carrots or whatever and do floor hockey and now even adult math school. Yeah. It's trickled up.

All right. Keep going. Thank you. Anyway, those are my notes. Take them or not. The teacher's at the top, I mean the front of the room. It's written as top. You have the script.

I mean the front of the room. Just say at the front of the room. Fix that. We don't... We use dictate. We like to pace and dictate. Yeah, it seems like. And it doesn't go back.

You know how writing works. No, I do. It doesn't work like this. The teacher is ready to talk. Ahem. Here I go. The teacher writes on the board, 40 plus 19.

First sentence coming now. I'm going to say it. Damn, these old damn number shapes really are so tough to draw. My wrist is friggin' killing me. Wait, but the teacher writes on the board 40 plus 19. And the student,

it points to the student, and the student has to say what it is. Yeah, have any idea what it is? Student. 40 plus 19. 40 plus 19. 19. You have to say it.

Think about it. And you have to say it. Think about it. And you have to say it. And you promised. You have to. You have to say it. It's highlighted. Okay, I'm going to break out for a second.

You have to say it. It says here. You're not going to say it. Okay, all right. 40 plus 19 is 69. Oh, that's a typo That's supposed to be a 69 It's supposed to be like the sexy

It says right That's what I was going to say My problem with it is This is me not in the script My problem with it is How does this guy know the math correctly If it's supposed to be If he knows 59?

The move. Me and my boys call it the happy meal. Ultimately, so, not to read ahead, but ultimately... You know why? All right, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't tell me. Why? Why is it called the happy meal? Why? All right, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't tell me. Why? Why is it called a happy meal? Why? Oh.

Why is it called a happy meal? Oh, come on, man. Why you got to put me and my boys on the spot like that? All right. Because everybody gets to chow down. Okay, so it's... Because everybody gets what? Because everybody gets to chow down.

What? Everybody chows down. Everybody chows down. It's Happy Meal, everybody gets to chow down. It's called Happy Meal because everybody gets to chow down? All right, so it should read 59? It should be 59 because ultimately the characters are going to do a 59. What?

Ultimately, the characters are going to do a 50 then. They're 59-ing each other. I don't... What is a 59? Some people like to call it a happy meal. 40 plus 19 equals 59. Well, that's a good student. Yeah, I don't know why I'm at this adult math school. Well, you ever think maybe the math school is just doing a good job?

Nice legs. Oh, gosh. Are you just saying that? I'm really self-conscious about them. Sometimes I feel like a friggin' lollipop with two sticks. I just got these spindly old friggin' dangly ribbons coming off me.

I bet... I bet they're flexible. Well... They probably look that way, but they're really not. Like... But it's nice of you to say that about my legs. How not flexible?

How not? Well, I busted one of them pretty good trying to do a bend the other day The other students start to whisper 59 59 So now we should I think we are in a place

Where I can give you the sex page Yeah, and it seems like we're getting pretty close to it And there's a little more I mean, I have a couple more things to say about my legs. No, I know, but that's at the top of the next page. So, why don't we, I'll give you this page and now you guys can get into it. And there's a thing for me at the end, I'll kind of jump in once you guys have really gotten going. The principle.

Okay. I can't believe you're going to say all this stuff Yeah This is a very long speech you have About I mean it's Three page And a lot of it's in

Italian And there's a lot of very complicated math equations in here and you explain particle physics no I know it's good it's a good script anyway go ahead sorry go ahead read read oh I have a line. Go. Ciao. Diesel. Get it, because everybody gets a ciao now. I can't. Different.

That was shots. I wasn't buying. That was shots. I can't stop thinking about, you know, you giving that nice compliment to my legs when I feel like it just looks like two Boy Scouts tried to roast the same giant marshmallow. Let's take the friggin' cotton candy guy screwed up And had to do some triage With a second kind candy thing I mean that's really what I look like to myself It's a lot of desserts with two things coming out Anyways

All these algorithms Frigginging hypotenuse, the whole, every, all of the angles, and the particle physics. I mean, the ions are like, are you kidding me with this? And the shaft. I have a note, ions.

This is the most important part. Sorry. The shaft is sneaking its way out as he talks. Now give your note. No, no, no. Keep going. We're into the... Uh-oh. Looks like a third Boy Scout got in on the action. What am I going to do about this? Sir, I could see your...

Say it. Third Boy Scout. Okay. And then... And we'll really do it. This felt like you skipped a bunch of steps. This is really how the scene goes? Well, all that math stuff, the Italian and all that,

is in the parenthetical. So that's like how he's reading the line. I don't know how you get your scripts and how you guys format on Silicon, but if it's in the parenthetical, that's just the mood that he is projecting.

And that's... Let's do what? And then we'll both really do it. Do what? And then we'll both really do it. Do what? And suck and fuck and... We'll really have real sex. Sir, you're...

You're my teacher. It's not going to be the first time I've ever done it, so it doesn't even... No, I don't remember doing it before with you. I don't want to do it with you. No, not just with you. Just like with anyone. Sir, I don't remember doing it before with you. I don't want to do it with you. No, not just with you. Just like with anyone. Sir, I'm a minor.

We should not have written that. Yeah, I know I lied. Sorry, that's supposed to be with an E. That's another type. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And it says parenthetical covered in soot. Oh yeah, and it says parenthetical covered in soot.

And so that's why the next line, that'll help, that's why that makes sense. Yeah, that'll help. I'm very comfortable in dark places. And that's making me think a part of my body. So let's, you know, let's, the both of us just, we'll to it or um are actually there's more math to do i think yeah yeah i just found more oh no oh this is gonna take all class and you'll never really be able to get it on like I know how to do. This is not... Wait.

This is not part... It's time to do it. I'm feeling it. I'm improvising a little bit. It says here that we... The next is there's no more dialogue. It's just description. Oh, I got different pages. Maybe I have a more latest draft. It says here that I separate the lollipop sticks.

Oh, yeah. Well, that sounds very good, but it says on mine that I get too shy to even have that much pleasure. It's part of the character, and I don't know why we wrote it that way, because I would like that, but... But it says it's the first time you orgasm

is in this scene right now. I, um... Well, but the math stuff I feel like we need to do, or... Why? What's going on? Did you want to? What's going on? Okay. Okay.

Okay. So that was... I can't remember what we were even doing before. Right. Oh, jeez. Look at the time. For real? If you guys need to do that again, you can.

I've... Go for it. The sex? I've... Go for it. The sex? Okay. See, and this is what I said. I told you that eventually he was going to work his way into it. He's like begging for it.

He's going to get so horned up that he's going to say... I feel like you're the one last time who blinked. That's not how I remember it. I remember I'm juiced up, I'm on fire, I'm ready to go. And then you find more men. I'm about to blast. Yeah, well... Blast?

As part of the story. You're about to blast? What is blast? Is that like coming? Oh, well, it can be. We don't like to keep it as like, be so strict about it. Yeah, there's not so many

rules. People blast differently. It's a spectrum. It's fluid, literally. But I remember being not scared and very brave about it all and

and pretty my legs were looking very good if I do recall and I wonder if everyone who was here will tell everyone that maybe they saw

some pretty good sex on stage. And maybe Kevin can plug in some of the noises later that we talked about. Okay. What? So if everyone, hypothetically. Just spitballing. If we were still in a shyness situation.

If everyone here And maybe it's Kumail who's shy I'm not shy You're the one who stopped reading the script Which is so weird because he was so horned up First of all I wasn't horned up either So I don't know what stance to take Because that war isn't horned up

But I also didn't stop reading the script Yeah I know It's a different draft And that's revision mode That'll catch you script. Yeah, I know. It's a different draft. And that's revision mode. That'll catch it. So maybe something, if some people who were here so it won't make it into the real episode, but if some people who were here could say oh, I saw

some, these guys had sex. Yeah, they did it on stage. X-rated, very good sex, and one guy really definitely knew how to do it, and it seemed like he'd done it before. And very good sex, and one guy really definitely knew how to do it, and it seemed like he'd done it before. And if they say that, that would be great, because nobody's going to fucking hear this thing anyway.

Because on Stitcher Premium, I have the best job in the world. So they get their story straight? Is there any specific things that they should say? Oh, yeah, yeah. What's your style? What's your vibe?

Warrior poet. Camille, for you too, this could be... I'm sorry, say again. Warrior poet. What does that mean? What do you mean? Sort of a sensitive, thoughtful berserker.

That's your style. That's one of them. What other styles do you have? Praying mantis. That's a kung fu thing, isn't it and but in his version it's getting eaten afterwards i call that one a happy meal and you could say duke this could be like really good promotion for your movie i want to go see this guy's movie because I heard this guy got on stage at a podcast performance and he fucked the other guy. I don't want to

spread the falsehood that I fucked or got fucked on stage. What's your style? I don't want to talk about it. Okay. He just told you that he is a thoughtful berserker and he gets eaten afterwards.

Like a praying mantis. Because if you read a science book, that is what happens. I guess mine is philosopher king. I come up with a lot of ideas and my dad died. Bye. bye