Hollywood Handbook - Live from Onionfest

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

The Boys have a little fun doing a live show in Chicago City.This episode is sponsored by Mack Weldon ( www.mackweldon.com code: THEBOYS ), Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK ), and Casper Mattresses ( www.casper.com/THEBOYS  code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Small, small, small Here comes his intro So I'm on the plane With Roz Pike Yes You know Roz with Roz, Pike. Yas. You know Roz. Rosamund.

Pike. Pike. Pike. Yeah. And, Jack Reacher. The age-appropriate love interest for Tom Cruise and Jack Reacher. Yes.

Yes. And, Sean, my best friend. Who's that? Are you here? And we're on the plane to New York, and I'm looking out at these fields. And it looks like there's like corn and beans. And we're on that, because we're on

the plane. The plane. And it goes from LA and it goes to New York. It goes from LA to New York. It goes back to LA. It goes back to New York. And I'm looking at these beans and I yell up to the pilot. Do you remember what you said to me?

You went, you said, yes. He goes, are those beans? Well, I know who to ask. Yeah. If that's beans. Yeah. And I

scream up to the cockpit. I say, Duncan! His name is Duncan Donuts. And I asked him, I was like, oh, like the place, and he had heard of Duncan,

he like knew Duncan Donuts. He knew the place a little. The place, but had never made the connection before. He went, oh, I guess that is like my name. Oh, yeah. He said, I've got no

apostrophe. Right, but you can tell. But you're still spelling it D-U-N-K-I-N. Yes. So isn't that... But the way he said i've got no apostrophe was because he was processing it for the first time he's like well i've got no apostrophe like it was just going through it yeah it's sort of going like well it was sort of it's sort of a stretch yeah and it's like i don't think so duncan it was cool but that was earlier now I'm saying, Duncan, can you put it

down? Can you put this plane down? Bring us down on these beans. And he said, well, no. We go to New York. This is the plane. The plane goes to New York. Yeah, he said, if you want to go there, you need to get like a bus.

Yeah. And I was like, no, like you can, like let's try it. Let's just try it. You can do the plane on the beans. Yes.

So he starts to do the down part. And Roz is like, I have a fair, you know, business to, like a Gone Girl musical or something. And so she deploys a blaster and rides the blaster to New York.

We start going down. And I see there is people who live in the beans. Once we get closer, you can see that some of the bigger beans were hair. And I can see that the people down there do not know what a plane is. I've never seen it before. Well, yes, and the famous story, of course, of the ships, Columbus and the ships,

and the natives looking out, and their eyes couldn't see the ships because it was so foreign. And that is what we were experiencing, seeing in the eyes of these beans, which now are revealed to be people, that they are sort of like not able to even fully fathom what is coming at them.

Some people can see it and hold their hands up like they're trying to catch it. Mm-hmm. The others, we get all the way down, and some people can't see it, and they bonk into it. Yeah. Drilled their noggin.

Yeah. Kabom. And tried to make it look... Freak their bean in a bad way instead of the bean freaking that they were doing as their job

right before that and they tried to act like they'd bought into it on purpose and the bean freaking this maniac was doing in the hotel

last night okay thank you we're sharing a room was doing in the hotel last night. Okay. Thank you. We're sharing a room. Nah, but he's a madman. He's insatiable. Nah.

You know what I mean? I'm going to ask the ocean to stop flowing. It's like, yeah. Some stuff, it's a loss, man. You just wash your hands of it. You go, look, I'm going to ask the sun not to come up tomorrow. It's like, the guy's going to freak beans. No, I love him, though. He's a maniac. He's out of control.

I'm on vacation. Yeah. I noticed. And so we come out of the plane, and we're in Chicago City. Woods or something. Yeah. Chicago City. Yeah.

Is that where we are? Hi. Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. An insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. The Chicago one. The Chicago City Edition. Yes. This is exciting for us to be here and it's an onion thing.

Or something. Yeah. I think for us, I'm looking at the lineup and I think they wanted us just to add a little diversity. Not everyone quite so white. Give us a call. Yeah, let's get these guys. You know, Hayes,

it's funny for me to be here because I did read a little bit about Chicago City before I came. Oh, you're going to do this? Oh, I don't know. And I heard this rumor and maybe people can tell me if it's true, Oh, I don't know. Okay. And I heard this rumor. Okay.

Maybe people could tell me if it's true. But I heard that Chicago City, that y'all can get a little funky down here. Is that true? He's playing. He's just like playing around. He's kidding. But I mean, I don't know if you do want to give him a yes, yes.

Now I heard that in this other article I read that these Chicago City folks can get a little nasty. Is that true? And he's just like, this is just like, we're just walking around and he is like talking about doing stuff like this today. And I don't know if he's actually gonna do it. Oh, we're doing it. Yeah.

Because we just like make observations about the city as we're like doing our thing. Well, I guess I did notice some stuff. Like, Chicago City, the sidewalks are a little weird here. Yeah. Did you notice that? You gotta do one of these.

We see you guys walking around doing one of those. And possibly, if you know what we mean, you might want to give them a yes, yes. You see... Chicago City's kind of crazy. Some of these restaurants are strange, huh? Great big menu for a little tiny egg.

Is that like the Chicago eggs that you guys do? These little eggs? With a huge menu. I don't know. I don't know. It doesn't add up. But, Hayes,

did you notice this about Chicago City that everybody's got these blue pants on? You know the ones. And honestly, they got me doing it. Uh-oh.

When in Chicago City. Yeah. No, but it's pretty crazy. I tell you, this city's a little unusual to me, Hayes. Yeah, like, tell me what you mean. Some of these buildings I see in Chicago City got these clocks on them. Yeah. Excuse me, Mr. Building, what time is it?

I don't think so. Or it's a watch. me, Mr. Building, what time is it? I don't think so. Or it's a watch. Oh, no. A whole building on this, on your arm. He can't read that. And he is just kidding. It's just like funny stuff we see we're going around. Well, you know, it's sort of my job to notice things.

And it's not really a normal city, is it? Chicago City And you guys say like, what normal is it? Because it's different Yeah, I'm glad to see they didn't lie to me About your nasty, funky ass Chicago City Some of these tall chairs. I'll sit back down.

And so now you guys see, you can feel how warmed up you are, how you feel like we have a kinship with you. We know you. We're teasing you, but you can tell we like you guys. Right. And we're saying all these things about the city. We didn't go outside.

We don't know any of this. Not one minute. No. We were in the bathtub at the hotel because we're scared to do this show. It's as scary for us as it is for you. Scarier. Scarier. And we did land and went directly to the tub.

Mm-hmm. And tried to sort of soak the fear out. But now there's this thing where we sort of own you all. We possess you. Mm-hmm. Because... And you can laugh at yourselves. Yeah.

And that's my kind of crowd. I love that about you. I love that. I love that Do we want to Bring out our special guest Yeah Yeah Get excited

Get excited It's gonna be good Raise expectations We talked about who to have on the show, and we went through some different people who were famous, and eventually we decided to bring someone out who is a very good friend of the show. A little more part of the family of the show.

A little part of the family, and he's not exactly a human being, family, and he's not exactly a human being. And he does have fur on his face and his body. Uh-huh. And he's got a big bushy

tail. And he likes to say, woof, woof. Uh-huh. And he eats dog food. Yeah, and he's friends with dogs. All his friends are dogs, except for us. They know him.

Yeah. And he's made out of dog. Yeah. Should we just bring him out? Let's bring him out. Bosh, can you come out here, please? Get out of here, boy. Bosh the dog is here. Hey, this is Bosh.

Get your mic. Get your mic. Get your mic. Do it fast, but still be a dog. Hurry up. Is there a chair? This is all going to be dead air. A chair, not a stool. You can't sit like a dog in that.

Hey guys, Chef Bosh here. Hey, Bosh. Hey, Bosh. Hi, Bosh. Thanks for coming on the show. Stop, stop. Stop. So, uh... I think some of our guests,

our friends here are probably wondering what it's like to have such a nice dad. Yeah. Maybe you could get into a little bit some of the nice things that your dad has done and what he's like and how he's nice. Okay, he takes me on long walks and gives me good treats and brings me to the podcast and rubs my belly. The tone is weird. It's just like...

Okay, he... He doesn't believe it. He doesn't... It's all with a question. It's all with a question. Yeah, you know how Bosh is like fucking cool? That he's nice, but be like

whatever about it. Yeah, he takes me on walks or whatever. Same. Don't do the same shit. Uh, I go on walks. Not with like a childlike wonder, please. Cool.

That's not cool. With a childlike wonder? Not with that. I go on walks. Yes. He's seen some shit, man. That's cool. Okay.

We have to figure out how this is going to work. Kevin, look at me, please. Thank you. So obviously you know why you have to be a dog. Yes. Do you want to say why instead of just saying yes? I tried to book a guest for this show and I couldn't find anyone. How many people would you say got asked to be a guest on this show?

Just by me? Start with you. Yes, we'll start with you. Okay, I asked five people. Okay. Okay, and was it your job to find a guest? Yes. And was that enough people to ask?

No. And some of them are kind of pairs so that might be closer to four and a half yeah you're right well you get a chair get something this is I can't keep doing this but sit like a dog yeah but don't get hurt a dog.

Yeah. But don't get hurt. Okay. Fine. Okay. So you didn't try very hard and you failed. So now obviously you have to be a dog so we have a good guest for the show.

Can you walk us through a little bit of your process? Okay. Well, I asked you guys last week and I started with a joke. Neither of you responded. Well, let's see if the audience thinks it's a joke. Well, it was a request, I guess. I sent you guys a tweet from Threedom. They said, we won't make any more episodes

unless you like us first and Hollywood Handbook second. And then I said, in case you guys want to knock this one out of the park. Yeah, now, what did you mean? That tweet was in response to a tweet which I could not see in the text. Yeah. Which was like, hey, make more Threedom. It's my favorite thing after Hollywood Handbook. Yeah, and I thought maybe you guys were going to tweet like,

yeah, nice try, they'll never. We're going to go, it's worth our time to go in and engage with the Threedom Twitter account. It's probably you. It's not Scott or Paul. No, it's not. Can't you see him being like, oh, I'll really get something going here.

Hey, you got it. Yeah. Yes. Yes. You're orchestrating the whole thing. And I got to say, we're starting from a position of winning. Like, like someone has said,

I like Hollywood Handbook better than three to, which never happens. Like that's where, and we're gonna now jump in. And then we're gonna have Paul, because you know Paul is gonna be in there one second after we are. And then he's gonna sick his, like,

1.2 million followers on us. What's your plan? Have a plan. I mean, what was, was like what was your example your example was you could have gotten in and gone yeah right nice try

I'm tweeting that so anyway great start to you getting a guest for our show so I asked I can totally not see how we ended up in the position

we're in right now with how you started I can't imagine that we ended up with you being a dog on the show. And please never forget that his description of that text was, I started with a joke. Yes. Neither of you responded. Which is a fair thing to say about 80% of the texts we get from Kevin. Against my better judgment, I really thought it was going to be a joke,

and I will never make that mistake again. So I asked if you guys wanted John Hodgman, because he was doing his show. Pretty good guess. Yes. We do. The answer is yes, we do. Don't waste time. Absolutely, we said.

So then I said, Hodgman is not in Chicago on Thursday. I'll think of some more people. What was the response? No response. No, no, no, not from us. I know we didn't respond. Oh. You weren't asking anything.

Yeah. What am I supposed to say? Thank you? You did nothing. You hurt us. You hurt the show. What was John Hodgman's response? He was, someone

responded to the booker, John Hodgman is in New Hampshire on Thursday doing an event for his book. Okay. His book is set in Maine. I seriously wonder if I had responded and encouraged you if I would have like started this chain where you just started texting me other people who aren't in Chicago. Because any kind of attention at all would have just been such a high for you.

Also, that book came out like three years ago. But it is the beginning of summer and it is a summer vacation book so I can see him wanting to cash in on that. So then I asked, should I ask Manzoukas or Shear? Yeah! Hey, great! And then Sean said, should I say what you said too? What did I say? Hang on.

Sorry, I'm trying to see. Is this in the same spot? Am I looking at the right thing? Yeah, where you said that. The Magic Tavern thing? Yeah. I just wanted to make sure. Yes, I said our Magic Tavern friend is out to TJ Jagadowski for us.

Why did you think that was too sensitive to say out loud? I guess I appreciate it. I mean, it seems like it's fucking up the timeline a little bit of what we were trying to do here. That's why I asked. Okay. So now you've done that. You fucked it up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay, so... So I guess skip it. Okay. So then Sean suggested people and then I sent them a screenshot from an advertiser who wasn't happy.

That's true. And I got to say, we really appreciated the tone of that. Yeah, they were very nice about saying, please stop doing the ads like that. Yeah. First time that's happened, that we read the email, we were like, wow, this is such a nice email asking us to not do the only thing that we do. Yeah. You guys didn't respond

to that. We're together. And then I said, just so you know, you have an hour and ten minutes each, and Manzoukas, his assistant, responded, uh, let me find it. She said,

hey Kevin, sadly, Jason won't be in Chicago until Friday, so he won't be able to make it. Thanks said, hey Kevin, sadly Jason won't be in Chicago until Friday, so he won't be able to make it. Thanks for asking. You had a follow-up to that? Yeah. Okay. You don't try to parlay these

emails with assistants into some side thing for you, do you? Because that should be the end. I said said thank you And then I saw that I could see him typing out and deleting A wink emoji

Not yet In due time. And then I asked you guys if you wanted Danielle and Casey because they're doing bitch sesh. Yeah, monster show.

Oh yeah, you asked us that? Actually, we asked you for that. No, I think... Yeah, like six months ago. I asked first and then you guys said could we get Danielle and Casey and I first, and then you guys said,

could we get Danielle and Casey, and I just let you think you guys came up with the idea. Because I said, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. Now I'm in a position where the only guest we have for the show is dead. Very sad for me. Our guest died. You're dead. Yeah.

Walked right out on stage. Hung himself in front of me. Oh, wait, no. Gave him just the teeniest bit of rope. Don't know how he pulled it off. I've never seen Kevin laugh exactly like this. No one at home listening will be able to see the face, but it's like this.

It says this, he has like severe stomach cramps Wait you're right You asked Casey and Danielle I'm wrong however You're alive I'm alive We can maybe edit this part out too They've

Been unavailable so many times that I didn't even offer them. What do you want to edit this out of? Who are you scared of finding out other than the people you just told? What do you want? You lied! I forgot.

Because I was, well, as most of my memory, I'm so used to offering them, and they're always unavailable. But they're here, right? He doesn't know! No, they are. They're not here today. So I did ask.

I did ask. After you suggested. Whoa. I normally would have asked, but because they're normally unavailable, I didn't. Am I in a dream? I think he's... I don't know exactly what the details of this are,

but I think he's running game on us. I haven't, like, read the books, but what I've heard about it... Yeah. This is what it is. Yeah, like, I'm definitely doubting myself. Yeah. And I need to find someone

to give me some kind of foundation. Chef Kevin? Okay, so we're through about five people being asked, right? Well, and then I saw Paul Scheer was recording in L.A. today,

so he was the fifth who was unavailable. Didn't ask, right? Well, and then I saw Paul Scheer was recording in L.A. today, so he was the fifth who was unavailable. Didn't ask, sounds like. Because he's in L.A., yeah. Okay, but the implication was that you asked. And that you had suggested these people as, like, do you want me to ask them? But they were recording shit at Earwolf, where you work, in L.A. Well, it was after the fact.

What time was his record? Three o'clock today. Okay, that would be tight. We're gonna be cutting it really close. Flies out of Burbank? Out of Burbank? Maybe. We'll never know Well

How long was the record? An hour Yeah, it's gonna be tight And then plus ads They have to do 90 ads For whatever episode they were doing that week.

Well. And that's it? Oh yeah. That's five. That's it. That's all you. Yeah. Which ended up being three because you definitely didn't ask the bitch sesh. Well, really two because you didn't ask Paul Sherry either. So earlier

you said you asked five people and that was 60% a lie. So you asked two people. And this is what we're dealing with. I can't believe I let you be Bosch even for a second. I have to apologize to my dog now. Disgusting. Well, so then we did, I did go and go hunting around for a guest myself. Yeah.

And I went to our Magic Tavern friend. Arnie Kneekamp. I guess he's like a Chicago guy or something. So, woo. Nice. We like him. He is a guy who is our friend, who we met one time,

and you heard all of it. Uh-huh. You've heard my whole relationship with him. So at this point, I, having zero faith in Kevin, slid into his DMs. And basically said, you know, person who did us a favor once by being on our show,

here's the rest of your day. Can you take on the job of an assistant and start aggressively calling in favors for our show. This is something I did. And you know why? Because he seemed so nice. Yeah.

I thought, I think he'll do it. We asked if there was anyone good that he might recommend. Just somebody funny in Chicago that we wouldn't know necessarily that you can connect us to, but really go out and find someone to be a guest in our show. And he mentioned five people, and instead of

saying, no, no, no, or maybe only ask this one person, we were like, great. Please. Well, none of them wanted to do the show. He reached out. Let's go down the list.

He reached out to TJ Jagodowski. Very funny man. Very's go down the list. He reached out to TJ Jagodowski. Mm-hmm. Very funny man. Very busy man, I understand. And he's freaking sipping diamonds out of a big Sonic cup. He's busy. That's in there. It's melted diamonds. When you watch the commercial,

that's the only thing he can drink now. Reached out to Peter Sagal. Peter Sagal from? Wait, wait. I don't know what we would have done, but. That would have been cool. He's a busy guy, Peter. Yeah.

No can do. Went out to Max Temkin. Max Temkin. The creator of Cards Against Humanity. Yes. That's what we said. Partly from being excited to have him,

partly from being scared because he made these cards that are like the most, basically the most dangerous things in the world. And what came back from him was not that he was busy,

was that he would not do the show, and that he would like a comp. Yeah, so we're thinking, I just want to take a picture of Kevin completely checking out in the middle of the show. There's a photo from our live show, the typewriter one, where I'm talking,

and Natalie and Sean are paying attention, and you're literally texting. I don't want to hear this. I'm doing a show right now. What am I going to air out on stage in Chicago? A photo from a live show two months ago.

That's a good way to use my time on mic. We see that the Cards Against Humanity guy does want to comp and we think, oh, well, we can get more out of Arnie now. We can maybe still convert this into something, even though the guy said no. So we ask Arnie, can you please go back to the Cards Against Humanity guy?

Say we have a funny idea for him. We were excited to have him come in. He literally won't have to do anything, try to be funny. He can just sit on stage and say no while we pitch him new funny card games. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, what a good idea for an episode.

And imagine it with Max Temkin. And when we have an idea like that, we really don't want to let it go because another one is not coming. Look at what we're doing right now. Yes.

Dog with a bone. And so Arnie goes back to... The next message we get from Arnie is, Max has gone dark. So that's one relationship that Arnie no longer has. Yep. We were like... Rich guy probably could have really done some good stuff that Arnie no longer has. Yep. Rich guy probably could have really done some good stuff for Arnie.

He may work with him. And we were like, hey, your friend, go press on him. The thing he's told you he's uncomfortable with, insist. Again, we've only met Arnie once. But man, did we like the idea. And we were like, you just did the show, so we don't want to inconvenience you, Arnie, by asking you to do the show again.

We'll ask you to do this thing that is much worse and less fun. Uh-huh. We're not here much. But yeah, here we are. And so some of the stuff we were thinking. Well, here's what we kind of think.

Yeah. All this failure gave us some ideas. And I don't know necessarily if Max did get the cop in coming. If he's here, thank you for coming. We love our fans. He is here! Ha ha ha! Don't shake your head.

I know he is. Max. Do you want? Okay. Okay. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal, okay? Uh-huh.

You just come up on stage and be... Okay, I know, I know, I know, I know. And just be... He's a good-looking guy. Better than I thought. Yeah, nice. Like a game designer. That's nice what I got, what we got going on over here.

I'm expecting something to like ooze up here. Okay. Uh-huh. Max comes up and you sit in total silence. That's okay? Yep.

Hey! Hey! Woo! Hey guys, it's Hayes. Just jumping in here real quick. So that is not him. We were informed after the show that whoever got up on stage was not the Cards Against Humanity guy.

He did raise his hand when we asked if the Cards Against Humanity guy was there, but it is not the guy. A little later on, he does offer some clues that it's not him, but at that point, I think we were very excited and did not want to hear them. So, enjoy. were very excited and were did not want to hear them. So enjoy. And I, the star of the show, I'm getting a chair. And now... Okay. Sorry. If you ever do want to talk,

which, again, you do not have to. That's part of the deal. And I don't care if you really are, Max. You did a little, like, hand raise. I'm saying I don't care. As long as people think you are. Okay. What do you think it means when I'm doing this?

I need a little bit of focus for a second. You forgive me. You know how excited I am. I have some unfinished business, but this is about Max. Okay. You're right. Max spoke to me off mic when he got on stage. As Hayes was getting the chair.

And he pointed out some unfinished business that's bugging him. And maybe it's bugging some other people in the audience, so I'm going to clear it up right now. What up, what up? Wow. Wow. Wow.

See, imagine if you hadn't shown up. How did you get a comp? Did Arnie just give you a comp? He's not allowed to do that. Arnie asked Max. Max, I guess, went dark, and he reached out to his other friends and didn't even tell Arnie that he was going for the comp,

but I got it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so this is why... Max did do work. But Max would say I did that. Max would not... You said that Max did that.

But you are Max. Yeah, yeah. I got the count. Okay, good. Again, I don't care if you are Max. But for the fiction of the show, you have to... When you're talking about Max,

you have to say, I. Or like, I am Max and I did this. Yes. Can you give him your mic, Kevin? You're just sitting there. He is talking.

Fucking God. This is like, this is magic happening right now. And there's just a loose mic hanging limply. Kevin, what if the next big game was going to be created right here on this stage tonight

and you blew it? And people can only hear the sound of that happening bouncing off the stage into your... It was a flaccid dick mic. That's what you were doing. Now, I don't love that stuff, but... Well, it's because Max is here. It's, you know, it's Cards Against Humanity.

And I gotta say, this guy's a maniac. I can ask the Earth to stop turning on its axis. So let me tell you a little something about legend status. Max was an advertiser on our show. Did you even know that? Yes, I asked you not to play an ad.

Yes. Yeah. You should have other people do that kind of thing. That's my idea. You have to draw the cards or whatever. And yeah, this guy's paying all this money. And he's like, I'm all the way here. And I'm writing stuff down on paper even.

But what I'm writing is, don't even do the ad. Mm-hmm. Read this part. And do you remember what we did? You freaked out a little. Yeah, yeah. After a while, it was getting... We got pretty scared.

Yeah. At first, it was cool, but then... Then I started to get pretty freaking scared. Yeah. The first one, we managed to roll with, because we talked about it a while beforehand, just like what we were going to do. Oh, yeah.

With this ad that's supposed to be an ad, but it's not even an ad. Which is chill as hell. Yes. But then you refused to stop. You kept doing it. You kept doing it. We were forced to use the ad space

to advertise our own products. I believe one of them was the star shower. Yes. Which was an attachment for your hose that makes the water look like a star. Right? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Because we had this free space. I'm just going to do nothing with it. I'm hanging on to this thing and it's gold. I'm not just going to, that's a Rod Blagojevich joke for you. And so we had some ideas for games. Yeah. We had some ideas for games. Yeah, and I can't stress enough that just because we did not necessarily know or think Max would be here does not mean that we now will have to make up games on the spot because we prepared nothing.

Yes. It might feel that way, and that's just credit to our extemporaneous delivery. But I will be saying all games that are very well thought out. Yeah. That would work. So my first game idea is called Who Said That? So me and Hayes would each have like a cup. And we'd be talking into the cup so you can't really see our mouths.

Okay. Yeah. All right. He's laughing. He wasn't really doing it in the mic, but he was loving it. Loving this. And maybe you have like a big cup over your head or something. Yeah.

And then you have to guess who said that. And you got two cards which is kind of your thing. And one says Sean and one says Hayes. Yeah.

But you can't see the cards. No. But you point at Because then you could see me and Sean. Which you'd probably give away who's talking.

It's true. And what we say, too, is like so crazy. Oh. Yeah. Could be anything. It's like about wanting to like... I don't even want to say this,

but like kiss Bin Laden. And that's what one of them could be. Not that one. Like, I don't even want to say this, but like, kiss Bin Laden. Oh! And that's what one of them could be. Not that one. But like, something that is like, like, like, fucked. Something that's completely fucked. Yes. Something that, if I played at Thanksgiving with my family, would just be fucked.

Yes. Except they would just be fucked. Yes. Except they would also be loving it. There's actually only one person that would play this game at Thanksgiving with their family, and it's the mayor of Zero Fucksville. So, to summarize, the game is called... Who said that? Who said that? Who said that?

It's me and Sean. We are holding cups over our mouths. And the cups can be made of cards. The cups could be made of cards. You kind of bend them up. You bend one card up, and you put another card under that. And it is a cup at that point. And you are also wearing a bucket over your head

that I guess could also be cards. Cards, yeah. Yeah. If you have like extra cards, it could be the bucket. This is your stuff. What's the bucket made of is like, this is where you, you'll run with that. We're not off it.

We don't know. And we're saying stuff that is the most fucked shit. And your job, and there are two cards that say Sean and Hayes, and your job is to figure out who said that. And so that's a game. I think that's a great idea.

Okay, good. Wow, cool. Okay, great. Wow. You almost wonder if we even pitch another game. Yeah. Quit while you're ahead. Do we quit now?

Am I too busy to be in every one of these games I'm also worrying about? We might want to have a game that maybe people could play even without us. As I'm thinking about my schedule, every time someone plays this game, I am there. That's going to be insane. So if Max is wearing the bucket

and he's guessing every time, whether it's me or you, what is the person who bought the game? I guess they're watching. It sounds fun. Yeah. Well, because they can be like, somebody's got to be there to go, hey, you're wrong. Yeah.

Yeah. And also, somebody asked to be able to tell us when to draw the line in terms of some of the fucked up shit we're saying. Yes. Yeah. Definitely. Like, we will be talking about, like, my favorite movie is the Trump piss tape.

Okay. Best movie of all time. Not that, but like... No, I wouldn't say that. Yeah. I don't even know what that means. I can pitch another game. Yes, please.

This one is called Kevin's Parade. The game is, Kevin has made his X-Men card, so they stand up. He has cut... It's not easy, but he's taken plastic bottle caps and cut a line through the middle of the bottle cap so he can stand up

the X-Men card in the bottle cap. And he is making them march... along his driveway. And they are singing a song called Kevin's Birthday. So, to review. The game is called Kevin's Parade.

Kevin has to whip his X-Men cards. They are marching his driveway singing a song called Kevin's Birthday. And you may notice that it does involve cards. I do. I do. Now, I'm curious. Do we want to let Maxway in first Before you

I know yours went well And you couldn't stand me Having one Like fraction of the success That you've had But if we just want to See where it goes Sorry

I think we could do A lot of expansion packs Thank you Yes But if we just want to see where it goes. Sorry. I think we could do a lot of expansion packs. Thank you, yes. I was going to get to those. Yeah. That's good business. Here, I mean, so, and the obvious question that I'm thinking as I'm asking this is,

where are me and Sean? Yeah. Who's going to buy this game it's Kevin it's just like on his driveway just I mean and I don't know the song Kevin's Parade no Kevin's birthday I don't know Kevin's birthday I don't know that the game is called Kevin's Parade yeah okay but well we're not singing the song Kevin's Parade. No, Kevin's Birthday. I don't know Kevin's Birthday. I don't know that song.

The game is called Kevin's Parade. Okay, but... Well, we're not singing the song, but there must be something that we can do. But I don't know the song. Right. Like, what's going to make me buy it? Maybe if it's that song that's like...

It's more of a famous song, you know what I mean? Right. Not the song... What's the song that is like the dark parade or something? Whether he's in the ringmaster uniform. It's like My Morning Jack jacket maybe or someone. Okay. I guess that would move a shit ton of games. The Black

Parade. Okay. It could be that. Or I can think of another song anyway. I wonder if our job is to be behind Kevin leaving out some snacks for him. Ah.

So he's going to be out there for a while. We don't want to interrupt him, but we just are putting out some snacks for when he is ready. For when he takes a break. Yes. That could be sick as hell. Kevin told us, by the way,

I should say that he was doing the merch table before the show. Can I ask if there, if anyone bought merch, if there, did anyone use cash? Okay, we're not supposed to be doing cash.

He's not allowed to have... We can't do cash with Kevin. The thing he does... So people are like, oh, he steals the cash? No, no, no, no. No. He will add his own cash

to make it seem like he did a good job. Yes. So we have to just take that option off the table because Kevin's mom has started calling us and being like,

I'm sending him all this money every month and we don't know where it goes. And obviously, it's, you know, it's getting added into the cash pile

for the merch table. It's very clear that it's his mom's the cash pile for the merch table. It's very clear that it's his mom's money. It smells like his mom. So, as far as game ideas, I'm just trying to think of other things about cards. trying to think of other things about cards. Like, so when you get asked for an ID,

you're getting carded. Okay. That's definitely cards. Continue. The cards element is already in play. Now we can just have fun. Yes, exactly.

So let's open this world up a little bit. So like I guess I'm like a bouncer or something. And Hayes is like a DJ inside. And he's like spinning at the club.

He's like the hot DJ from the movie Ibiza that Gillian Jacobs wants to get with. Well, I'd have recognition for that. I'll pass that along. So he's kind of in there and like you want to get to him. But first, you got to show your cards. Yeah. And. Who is the person giving the cards?

Kevin, I guess. Yeah. OK. Kevin. And then Max is like, well, you know what? Kevin should be cooking. Yes, that's right. I mean, are we not going to do food there?

Kevin should have done a little. It would have been nice if you did some cooking for Who Said That as well, Kevin. And I noticed you were just sitting there the entire time we were talking about Who Said That and not offering to do any cooking. And you should be cooking right now. And I think that Max could then maybe be giving me cards. Okay. And maybe they're like, it's like a Pete Sampras card.

Like a collectible card for like a 90s tennis player. Wow. But there's a word bubble drawn in. And the shit we got Pete Sampson saying. Oh. Yeah. And I see the gears turning already. This guy's going to friggin' bury me.

No, I mean, it could be pretty fucked up. And it doesn't just have to be Pete. Jennifer Capriati. Yeah. Yvonne Lendl. Chang. Michael Chang. Carl Chang.

Yeah. Two of them played doubles together. Yeah. I mean, Todd Martin, Gordy Venisevich, Stefan Edberg. Yeah. Let's get them all lined up.

Martina! And some of the shit they could be saying. Yiko Mako. So to recap The game is called Um Can I see some ID?

And so It's You are Approaching Sean Who's a bouncer And and you have he says, can I? He says, got it. Got it. He's ready to see somebody. Kevin is cooking.

I'm the DJ from the movie Ibiza. You give him these funny cards that have the guys, those tennis guys. Yes. And the word bubbles are saying the shit that's so fucked, but everyone is loving it as well. And it doesn't have to be like, I think some of the stuff we said before

got a little political. Yeah. This shit doesn't have to be that to be fucked up. Yeah. It could be like, um, my dad's an octopus.

Yeah. Sure. I want to be boyfriends with a friggin' frog. Okay. Not that. It wouldn't obviously be that. Yes. So...

I am into that one, yeah. That one's good. I do see some logistical issues with that one as well. Just the space. As you are freaking for it, I'm thinking like, I'm already doing Who Said That? I have to be in everyone's house

who's playing that game. Where is this taking place? Are we doing this in so everyone has to come to the club? I think what we have to do is make a cardboard club in Kevin's driveway because quite frankly we're going to be pretty busy

at Kevin's parade. Right. So is that an expansion of Kevin's parade? Is this an expansion of Kevin's parade? Is this an expansion of Kevin's parade? Wow. Wow. Yeah.

And this is why Max is where he is, because he sees the whole field in a way. That this falls under the umbrella of Kevin's parade, which is now the main game, really. Wow. And so now I really know what it feels like to have game run on me. Max, do you want to talk a little bit about game theory

and the prisoner's dilemma? And I know we said, yes, you didn't have to talk at all when you came up here, but like, now you're here. And so to just throw something to you that's hard to do. Yeah. Yeah, this is awful. It's like, who cares?

Yes, we promised or whatever. Yeah. No, what I did, I asked you a question, which is, do you want to do that? Ah, I don't want to talk about game theory. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. That's great.

You got to keep some secrets, right? I know the laws of power. Oh, yeah. All 48? 48 laws of power? Dominance hierarchies. We've been reading about this. Yeah. That shit trips me out.

Yeah. How it reminds me, I got to get my shoulders back. Yes. How lobsters are like the boss of the ocean, basically. And they're the most normal animal. It's real.

This is all real stuff. If you actually read a book. They're the most normal. Yeah. They're actually the closest to humans. Yeah. And now you don't have to

read the actual science book. You just read a book by a guy who is not a scientist, but is maybe friends with like a couple. Works at the same place or something. A pure sociopath.

Yeah. Right, which is like, he's a sociopath's kind of doctor. Mm-hmm. True. Give me the 29th law of power. I didn't read them in order. I would reference them as needed. That's a better way to memorize it, really.

Then you totally absorb it if you skip around. I do have a question. For me? I don't know who it's for. The question is, how long has it been? And maybe someone could sing a little song and actually do something

for once in the show. Well, it seems like we have people in the audience that want to sing it. Who? Oh, no, not everyone. Did I not hear someone just start singing it? I can't. You were doing it.

Well, this seems like it. He wants to do it. You can't kind of start singing a song. How long, how long has it been? Keep going! Keep going! Wow.

That fucking rocked. It's been one hour. Okay. Which means we got 10 minutes left. So normally we could get away with ending the show now. No one is supposed to know exactly what our allotted time is in this episode.

But through circumstances that nobody asked for, is in this episode. But through circumstances that nobody asked for, totally unforced. Should I read this innocuous message from you? Or should I read this extremely damaging thing I sent to you?

Well, yeah. That was not a question answering situation. So, someone from the audience said damaging. In response to the question that we were asking Kevin. In the past. In the context of like 40 minutes ago. If you've seen Deadpool 2, I sort of became cable in that moment. And so to answer, go ahead, do more cable stuff. ago. If you've seen Deadpool 2, I sort of became cable in that moment.

And so to answer... Go ahead. Do you want more cable stuff? Well, no. I just... I want to hear more. I adjusted my magical watch and managed to skip back 40 minutes and ask Kevin a question.

But for you to answer now in real time. Yeah, to make a choice between those two options, I guess you thought that was happening the present day when clearly Sean adjusted his magical watch and it was happening 40 minutes ago. I'm just saying so I don't disappoint you

so you don't leave and say, well, I chose damaging. They didn't do it. They just blew right by it. No, I, I chose damaging. They didn't do it. They just like blew right by it. No, I'm accounting for you. You yelled at me, so I'm gonna, you know, I'm helping. And maybe he thought

I was playing one of the games we described? That's possible. Oh, should that be a game? It's my turn to do one, so that's an easy way for me to kind of get out of this. We've already got

a proven market for it. Yes. Like, we know at least one guy who wants to play that game. Yes. Do you want to come up here? Is that a homemade merch?

No, that is from Surf, Salt Surf, yeah. Well, I disavowed Salt Surf. This is a company that made a shirt that said nice and cool, and I thought, oh, that's funny. We say that on the show. So then I wore it on the podcast a few times and got my picture taken,

and then I sent them a DM in a very pathetic display. It was like, hey, guys, I've been wearing your shirts on my show. A lot of people are ordering. Like, look, people are liking it. And they were like, hey, thanks. And then I was like, fuck you. Never again. Because I kind of wanted more.

Well, let's play a game. Now, I realize what I have done, what we have done, is we have brought two very similar-looking white men onto the stage. Yeah. He's a handsome guy, though. I mean, they've got...

He can't respond, so it's tough to throw stuff at him in this situation. I know this is your thing, like speaking up, but... But... I don't know what to do about it now. They look exactly the same. I guess this is just like forces at work in my head that I'm not aware of. Mm-hmm.

Does this work? Wow, we have a cool... It's just fun to see Kevin exploring the stage. It's that sense of discovery that I lost so long ago. To see a live show through Kevin's eyes. So what is this game that you wanted to do?

It has to have cards. Right, yeah, of course. It has to have cards. It has to have cards. Right, yeah, of course. It has to have cards. It has to have... Always a proven, tried and true device. Yes, yes. I've leaned on that crutch many times. Be careful, it's a little creaky.

And I gotta say, we used to sometimes get upset at fans for coming up and trying to do a broken English thing or using the sort of stale jokes that we had retired. And genuinely, the more I think about it, we never should be punishing anyone for that. Yeah. Because if our fan

base was able to move past the sort of very simple bad jokes we started with, they would be gone.. They would be gone. No one would be here. Before we do an empty theater.

So I'm like, I don't really do that anymore. It's like, yes, you do. And they're trying to do it. And you're like seeing, it's like, you know, you can't truly hate equality in someone else. So you don't sort of see in yourself. It's a horror of recognition. Yes, that's like, you know, you can't truly hate a quality in someone else that you don't sort of see in yourself. It's a horror of recognition. Yes, that's right. It's like,

oh God, that's what I look like. Hearing your own voice on an answering machine. Walking into a dark room and just being terrified by a shadow and then flicking the light on, it's a mirror. So that's what's going on, so I do not want to discourage this at all. Please. But to continue with the crutch allegory, be careful. The wood So that's what's going on. So I do not want to discourage this at all. No. Please.

But to continue with the crutch allegory, be careful. The wood has gotten a little rotten from sweat. It smells like the crutch smells bad from us sweating into the wood. You just refreshed my memory on what the question was. The question was, we need one more card game to pitch to Max.

But the question you responded to from the audience you mean? Oh, yeah. Is that what you mean? Sure. Okay. Yeah. Now, do you not know what you mean? Hey, hey, hey. I think that's a safe assumption. Yeah, hey, neither do I Neither do I

I've been done with this show for half an hour Yeah And if you're thinking We're playing something out here Starting something complicated How are they going to tie this up? There's like two minutes left in the show The lights just go out

They turn off, it's dark it's over so don't worry about that i'm saying we just waited out like what's the point i was hoping the song would go longer oh sure before that's messing up my timing a little bit he only did the first part it's a really nice voice are you a singer uh here But here's the thing. Am I going to introduce another bearded man into the show? No, I'm not. I've learned my lesson. If anyone who is not a bearded white man wants to sing the song, I welcome that.

Yeah. I'm a bearded white man. I welcome that. Yeah. And this is our curse. Maybe it's not our fault. Nothing doing. Man, maybe that's just Chicago City. I tell you, they're a little funny in that town.

Okay. I see some of these guys got this hair, but it's not exactly on the top of their head. It's on the front of it. Boy, that's just Chicago City. Leave me out of this. Leave me out of this. Mal Hayes.

Mal Hayes, you pointed this out this morning to me about Chicago City. I knew we were going to talk about it now. Okay, but admit it. We're just talking. We want to get one question from someone? Yeah, that sounds good. No, you got your song.

I got one. Okay, I believe that you have one. Okay, I'm seeing more of these. All right, there's a couple rockers. What's this freaking hard rocker? Oh, God. So rough, huh? Yeah.

I mean, it is a lot like that Being John Malkovich. That first scene with the puppets. Yes. They're keeping their hands up though I gotta I gotta give it to them

It's gotta be It's gotta be really good The one question I see a woman with her hand up Do you wanna get Oh yes okay Yeah Okay

She's not coming to me I thought you were going to ask me a question for a second okay I have one why did you think that? just lost in the moment my question is can we see more of Bosh? yes Just lost in the moment. My question is, can we see more of Bosh? Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. Now, Bosh. Chef Bosh. I think it would be a really nice thing if you sang a song thanking everyone for coming. Maybe as a way, like, F. Bosch, I think it would be a really nice thing if you sang a song thanking everyone for coming. Maybe as a way, like, we can leave

the stage, and like as we're leaving, you can like sort of sing us out. And you can thank Max. And Max, thank you so much. You're welcome. You're welcome. It was my pleasure. Are you kidding me with Max? Like, this guy is running like a huge business. He comes all the way to our show. Thank you kidding me? This guy is running a huge business.

He comes all the way to our show. Thank you for the ideas. Unbelievable. And what's your name? It's Tim. Tim? Yeah. It might be good to say that you have a huge business.

I have a huge business. Okay. Whoa. Wow. Yeah. And that's who listens to our show. Not bad And yours is like raunchy Christmas ornaments

It's like sex Christmas ornaments That's good So Max and Tim, we're thanking Tim as well We're thanking the audience We're thanking the city of Chicago The city of Chicago is a character in this song Okay Anything else? And you're boshed for it, obviously we're thanking the city of Chicago. The city of Chicago is a character in this song. Okay?

Anything else? And you're Bosch for it, obviously. I guess you want to thank me. Yeah, well, I mean, it kind of goes without saying. There's no show without us. Okay? Got it? Okay, I'm going to hand the mic over to you.

Hey guys, Chef Bosch here. Woo! to you. Hey guys, Chef Bosh here. This is in the tune of the song Kevin's Birthday. Thank God. From the game Kevin's Parade. Thank you, Max.

Thank you, Tim. Thank you, Max. Thank you, Tim. Thank you, Chicago City. Thank you, Sean and the fans. Thank you, everyone.

Bye. Bye. I'm a horny girl. Wolf. This has been an earwolf production executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit earwolf.com. Ah,

Ooh. That was a hate gun podcast.