Hollywood Handbook - LIVE FROM SXSW: The Future of Comedy

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

The boys appear LIVE at an SXSW panel hosted by a major star and take questions about podcasting and technology, then fly home to do a guest segment with college basketball expert BRANDON GARDNER.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. this is Hollywood Handbook here's your two guys Hayes and Sean hey hey Hayes hey Sean say please welcome to the stage please welcome to the stage and then just

cut the thing yeah cut the thing turn the turn the yes whole thing first of all say okay South by Southwest

stages is is delighted to present uh a special edition of hollywood handbook and then say please welcome to the stage it's so okay fucking easy okay let's start from no because there's that's not all of it there's the how you're listening to how yeah why no don't just do the keep that off why they're not listening i thought this this might be a Howl special. You could say Howl presents or whatever. Whatever the most real. Okay.

This has to feel like a real panel at the festival. And so the accent is good. I thought the accent was good. Did you think that? It was better for me than what's normally happening. Yes, because it's Texas. And the tagline is like, hey, y'all. Yes.

Y'all listening to howl. Yes, I don't think that was a tagline necessarily. But because they're not listening to howl, that's wrong. Because they're in person. No one is ever listening to howl. So that's. Okay. So here's... Okay.

So here's what it should be. It should be like when we think about podcasting, we think about comedy, technology, and the two guys that are at the intersection between these two disciplines might have a lot to say about the future of comedy, where it's going, how will we be listening to our comedy. When you said how will we be, it, where it's going, how will we be listening to our comedy? When you said,

how will we be? It kind of sounded, you said, how will we be? Yeah. That actually could be, that actually could be really interesting. Yeah.

And so we, it has to feel real. It has to feel like, cause everyone else is doing these. We're the only Earwolf podcast that didn't get invited to do a panel in South by Southwest. Yeah. And we're not going to be left out. So like we're doing a panel. And I don't get invited to do a panel at South by Southwest. And we're not going to be left out. So, like, we're doing a panel.

And I don't know how do we ask? Are we supposed to – were we supposed to submit at some point? Like, is there a form? Because I don't understand. They didn't send me to record any of it, so I'm here with you guys. Who did they send? I think it's, like, Engineer Frank. Okay.

So Engineer Frank is back on the scene. Yeah. I mean, they just, they still go to him. Right. Wow. For the visual element, I guess. I'm lead engineer. Because he was, you know.

That makes sense. Right. He's beautiful. Okay. So this is big for YouTube. I don't remember what you were saying, but I can try it. I can try it again. It was a lot of words.

Just think about how it would sound if you were actually there. And get them pumped. Yes. Okay. Can you just start out that sentence again? It's swear. Oh, it's swear? Yes, swearing is good.

I can do that. Start out what? I'll try to do what you said. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Crowd on. Wait.

There. Theme song again? Yes. Oh, fuck yeah. When you think about podcasts and audio, you think about interdisciplinary luminaries. about interdisciplinary luminaries how will you see that in a live form was hazen Sean hey hazen Sean hey we should go up a little bit more because now we're walking out oh yeah hey thank you yes thanks for coming out hello texas coming out hey what up what up texas now bigger pop it pop it yes good good all right all right

hey they love you here yeah thank you guys so much for having us out we love podcasting we're so excited about the future of the medium don't do it don't do it like they all stop at once while I'm talking

but maybe I made a symbol with my hand like a sort of zip it you should say zip it so put it back up a little bit Maybe I made a symbol with my hand, like a sort of zip it. You should say zip it. Okay. So put it back up a little bit. Thank you. Yes, thank you. No, no, we really do appreciate it.

But we're going to start talking now, so zip it. You guys are good. Yeah, good crowd. Podcasting, where does it go? We're on a rocket ship. We're going past the moon to one of the other moons of the other bigger planets. Maybe EO, the largest moon of Jupiter.

That's where we see it actually being able to go. NASA, Texas. Don't pop for No, no, no. Don't give yourself When we say Texas. We got a lot of pride in the state. And part of a comedian's job is to sort of observe trends and like what's going on in the world

and talk about those in an entertaining way, but also, you know, it's a business as well. And so, yeah, I mean, like it's something we think about. We're kind of students of the industry, and we're excited. It's a really exciting time to be in podcasting. Our brains are hungry, and our stomachs are full, which is always the best way to approach ideas. For me, first of all, let me just say it's an honor to be moderated by Matthew McConaughey

to have you here asking us questions. Oh yes. He doesn't say oh yes. He doesn't say oh yes. He says... What is it? He says... What does he do?

He has a thing. It's not oh yes. Is it like gimme gimme gimme? Okay, okay. Gimme gimme gimme. That's right,thew so oh shit not well now we have to work but yeah now we have to uh glad you guys guys are all in here like staying dry uh we'll try and yeah and is that uh some of the engineers are going to pass out ponchos. But, you know, while it's raining outside, but the future of podcasting is bright and clear. The sun's still bright.

Yeah, sun shining. Yeah, so let's just dig into it. Yeah, we'll take... Yeah. And that should have been on the sun. I did, okay. So then let's take a question, and Matthew, did you have a question for us? Yeah, just wondering, you know, since you guys are from Hollywood,

I just want to hear, I think the audience would like to hear just, you know, what's your favorite part of Hollywood? What's Hollywood Boulevard like? No, you have to... The way these questions should go is, say I was walking around looking at the booths today, and I saw some crazy thing you saw, and is that going to be happening in the future

or something like that? That's the way. Yeah, it's us talking about the future for the most part. Yes, the future. It's not talking about the future for the most part yes the future it's not talking about what part of hollywood we like best that's not a bad question you can get that from another episode yes okay it's always the babes so i was walking around today at the booths and uh you know saw a lot of crazy stuff and i want to get your thoughts on the future. Great question, Matthew. Yeah,

there's all kinds of technology out there for listening. Big headphones and little headphones and honestly for us like, you know, the sound is important but it's really the content that's the most

important. Yeah yeah no matter how it sounds even if it sounds like fucking dog shit or you can't understand the words as long as there's passion behind what's being said yeah that's always going to take precedent because the great thing is that podcasting is a democracy and like even though all the big shows all the big shows, all the most popular shows are from celebrities and do come from networks. I feel like that is possibly about to change, whereas any of you guys could be the next Joe Rogan. Pop, just, yeah, a little, yeah, okay, that's good. Yeah, a little. Yeah, okay, that's good. Speaking of democracy, you watch these debates?

You want me to clap? No, no. No, we want them to have not seen it. Yeah. Okay. We don't watch debates in this town. Good. Another question? So as we look in the future, do you think the singularity is coming or where robots surpass our capabilities?

Do we want him asking all the questions or do we want to get questions from the audience? Let's get, yeah. Have that be an audience member same question exactly the same wording but do you go field it from the audience

okay let's go to the audience for a question you sir what's your question and then now ask him. Yeah, you have to ask him. Ask him. This question's for Hayes.

No, okay. Have him be like a... You should be farther away. You should be really quiet. So like, can't be standing back. Okay. That's good. And he should be diverse.

Yeah. As a black man. But like a nerd. And, okay. But that's good. That's like an interesting take on it. As a black man, I was just wondering what your thought on singularity, and will robots surpass our capabilities of learning and processing? That's actually a great question. I honestly feel like comedy is the highest form of human Um, like machines can't laugh. Uh, they can't, uh, they can't appreciate irony, uh, sarcasm. Like I look at, like, I check out like the onion, like, like every day I pull up the onion and I say like, this is like, this is something a robot could never,

a robot could never just do the onion, you know? Yeah, for me, I watch a lot of British comedy. So shit like Mr. Bean or any of the really fucked up shit that they do over there. Yeah. Yeah, The Office. Thank you, Black Nerd. yeah the office thank you black nerd um all those things where uh there's like cringe humor like computers can't cringe so um anything where somebody's embarrassed like a computer wouldn't know why johnny knoxville got shot with a paintball right it would just be able to process the velocity or something. Whereas I can actually be like,

holy shit, that's funny. And robots can be funny. Rosie, George Jetson's friend, was interesting. Yeah, well, it's just funny that she's so sort of matronly. And he's got this cute little wife, but you know that he's fucking the robot right and if you were gonna build a robot like that why wouldn't you make her like have like a great body yeah like at least make her look like she takes care of herself even if she's not gonna be why why would you make her fat yeah no i mean honestly that's just like...

No, I'm not saying that for applause. I'm just saying... I'm not doing it to pander to you guys. But it's honestly just how we feel. Why is she so thick? If you get... Like, you get built at anything you want. If you're going to build Rosie, let's make her skinny, right?

Let's have a skinny Rosie in our future. Let's hear it for A.S. and Sean, everyone. Wow. Okay, so should we get one more from the audience? But that should be you saying that. Okay, so should we get one more from the audience? Okay. You, little boy.

Hi. Back up from the thing a little bit. Okay. Who are you most proud of? Diverse. You should be diverse. I'm a little boy with disabilities. That's good.

And I'm wondering, what are you most proud of in this world? Okay. Now, as the moderator, can you rephrase his question? Yes. Thank you, young disabled boy. You're still McConaughey? Gimme, gimme. We got a lot of pride in this state, and I think he just wants to know what you're prideful of to the point of tears almost. Okay, and now as the little boy, can you correct the moderator

for not understanding your question? Well, actually, I wanted to know... More diverse, more diverse. Ow, ow. Ow. I'm very cold that's so good he's very disabled i just i wanted to know more like who who are you proud of all right not tear not cry i don't want you to cry no cry okay thanks and sorry matthew that you got that wrong and thank you little boy uh yeah that's a really great question uh honestly one of our

proudest moments is um we we were named by la weekly uh one of the top people of uh 2014 and pop that pop that pop yes the audience could go fucking nuts if we say that. Are you kidding me? Pop it. Yeah. I mean, it was crazy. It was really exciting. It was such a whirlwind.

It was just such a thrill for us because we always grew up reading it, and now it's us in there. And just to be offered a plaque to put on the wall of Earwolf Studio. I mean. No, but it's true. They did. They sent an email to Earwolf Studios and said, would you guys want to have this plaque? And Earwolf went ahead and forwarded that to us.

Asking if we wanted it. If we wanted to pay for it. For our house. That we would pay for it to put in our house. Rather than have it be sort of on the walls of the studio itself. And, you know, here, I'm sitting here saying, like, let's give a brother a plaque, huh? Yeah. Big pop.

No, no, no, no, no. Not that. No. Yeah, it's a big pop. Do both because it should. Thunderstorm hits hard now. Great. Yes, a big pop. Do both because it should be. Thunderstorm hits hard now. Great. Yes, yes.

And now they're going nuts. Let's give a brother a plaque. Let's give a brother a plaque. Now is it normal to get plaques at Earwolf? Who's asking that? That's me right now. Matthew McConaughey. Ah, yes.

There are, there is a show with plaques, right? Yeah, it's, I mean, winning awards is not a super normal thing for an Earwolf show. But does, maybe you say Adam Sachs have another plaque up to prove that he has had plaques before?

Yes. You're losing the accent a lot, in fact. Yeah, there's a Webby. I'm an actor. I do lots of accents. There's like an LA Web Award that How Did This Get Made won. We're really excited for that. In 2002 or something, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, that was a really big achievement, but, uh, can a brother throw that plaque in the trash? Can a brother update the plaque? Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. And the big fucking pop. Yes. When I say brother, people are going to like that for me. That's like a good color on me. This is the wrong kind of rain. Yeah.

Yeah. See, do it again. I'm sorry. Can a brother update the plaque? Great. Great. Great.

Good. Great. great great great good great and now we give it like let's hear it one more time because we gotta you know because we gotta go do like as matthew be like let's hear one more time let's hear it one more time fuck yeah for a Hollywood handbook Give me, give me, give me Give me, give me, give me It's your boys Thank you Sorry to leave so soon

These brothers gotta check out the booths Stay warm out there Stay dry It is warm because it's Texas Drop it all out. Drop the whole thing. Drop, okay. And we don't need to be in the thing anymore.

All right. Okay, so we send that to Adam. Uh-huh. Okay. We'll run it this week. Who else did? Who charted is there? Who do we need to do?

I know. Improper Humans is I mean Improper Humans Improper Humans Improper Humans is definitely there send it to them they've got to be doing a solo bolo down there am I crazy

oh solo bolo trolo maybe I don't know quadrolo I don't know but there has to be one of those we'll send it to them and be like

sorry we couldn't make yours you know we were doing our show and then we'll send them you know the 700 megabyte file that they can download. And then they'll know, like, oh, these guys were – they probably didn't get that kind of audience. So send that to Matt Besser, you're saying?

Yes. Get it to Besser. Yes. Who's doing I4H with him? Wild Horses Girls or something? Probably everyone from UCB. Yeah, from UCB. Yeah.

He gets everyone. The best improvisers in the universe. That's a lot of experienced improvisers from there. Okay, that's great. And then he'll listen to it and then he'll play it for the audience? Gabrus has got to be there for some shit, right? No, he won't fucking send him. Make sure he hears this so he knows that we did it too.

Send it to him by accident. Send it to him and be like, Jake and Amir, I know you wanted to hear this because, and send this to Scott too. Okay. Like, I know you wanted to hear this because you're thinking of paying us more money to be on your network instead of Gabrus. And then send another one and say, hey, man, that's actually for somebody else.

Don't listen to that, but he will listen to it. Yeah, I'll say like a BCC. I'll say for your ears only. Yes, that's good. Yeah, it's got to look like an accident that they're getting it has to look like

an accident Brett okay like you want to send it and then immediately reply like sorry this wasn't for you like address it to like

I mean here's what you can do here you go Sean and Hayes here's the secret file you guys wanted to check out before it goes wide yes and then before it goes wide. Yes. And then. Before it goes global. Global. That's perfect.

Before it goes friggin universe. Yes. That's awesome. That fucking rules. Universe is kind of that besters thing. That owns. Oh good. Yeah. That's better even. Good.

Okay. I hope it is his thing. It was his thing. Used to be. So we do that, and then, is that his thing? Like, best improvisers in the universe, he says that? Yeah, and best podcast in the universe, he's called it. Yeah, well.

And so then we, then you send a follow-up being like hey man i would really appreciate it if you not listen to that it's yeah it's too important and it's like everyone would get in big trouble right when i say it was for your ears only, that meant Scott's ears. Well, no, it's addressed to us. It's addressed to us. And it's like we can't let anyone else hear it and go like, basically be like, if you hear this, it could be really damaging to the Hollywood Handbook podcast

and could really help yours. Yes, that's good. And then they go like, oh, now I got to hear it. And what will happen is it will diminish their confidence. Yeah. To hear us owning, working through the thunderstorm, which was a big challenge, knowing about the future. You got Matthew McConaughey.

Yes, that was big. Yeah, that was exciting. Having a very diverse audience. Even knowing it wasn't real, that was exciting. Yeah, that actually was a big moment for me. I might call my parents right after this. So yeah, you've got it. You know what to do. And then we'll just get the buzz going internally at Earwolf

like we've done South by. And that's how you end up doing it is you get treated like you did it. And then you do it. Yes, you pretend you do it. They all pretend they do it first. And that's how they end up doing it is you get treated like you did it you pretend yes you pretend you do they all pretend they do it first and that's how they do it okay and then we'll just come back with like a guest segment because like we went home or something yeah yeah though i was gonna say that's a pretty short live show right but we had to so it's like we had to go home to do the second and do a guest segment with brandon gardnerner. Yes, and we got paid the same.

Yeah, we got paid the same. Say that in the email. Hey, Sean and Hayes, here's the secret file. You don't want anyone else to hear. Don't let anyone hear it. And then, oh, oops, guys, don't listen to this because Besser's on it or whatever. And you go, oops, guys, don't listen to this. It would really hurt Hollywood Handbook and help you guys.

It's this live show that you can't listen to because it's got secrets about the future, and they got paid the same for doing it, even if it seems short versus maybe the live shows you're familiar with at that event. Yeah, and they had to go home to do guest segment with Brandon Garner. I say that in the email too.

Yes. Okay. Say it back in the email too. Yes. Okay. Say it back. For your ears only. And then I say, hey guys, this is, this is the South by Southwest show,

super secret. And, you know, oh, then I send, I send another followup email that says, oops, like all caps lock. Do not listen to that.

It will severely hurt Hollywood Handbook and help you guys out. And they're getting paid the same anyway. So they're going to go home now. They're going home for the second segment. Yeah, had to get home in time. Had to get home in time for the second segment. With Brandon and then maybe say that segment went well. Don't attach that segment,

but just say it went well. Mention the fact that even though we just had him on the show not that long ago, it's not because we don't have a million other guests. You shouldn't even be reading this right now. The fact that we had him again and don't read it. A million other guests. You shouldn't even be reading this right now.

The fact that we had him again. And don't, yeah, don't mention that. Or don't make it sound like five people said no between Wednesday and Friday. Don't bring that up at all. Yes. Right. Or actually just say that that didn't happen. Yeah, say that didn't happen explicitly.

Five people did not say no to be the guest. And don't say that some of them are people that you would really be surprised to hear are in a position to say no. Yeah. Okay. And then do I sign off with thanks? Exclamation point? Or best?

Yours. This is your area. Yours. Yeah, warmly. Warmly. Warmly. Okay. And then whatever your little nickname is.

Just Brett and emails. Okay. I didn't mention Matthew McConaughey in this. Should I sign it Matthew McConaughey? It's going to be from your email address. That might tip them off to the fact that you were just, and I hate to say this out loud, you were just doing Matthew McConaughey. We should not even be saying that, even internally.

Yeah. That could be very damaging. For him. To get That could be very damaging. For him. To get that out there, yeah. The idea that, first of all, that you can basically just become him at any time. And secondly, that we didn't actually have him. That's bad for everybody.

So let's just get out of this. Yes. And then we'll come back and do the second segment. Okay. With Brandon. Hollywood Handbook. And then we'll come back and do the second segment. Okay. With Brandon. Hollywood Handbook. So I gather Danny, Motor, Chris, Judd, Cash, Warren Warren I say

guys you guys are my best friends so what so what I haven't even finished I haven't really even started the story okay

what is go ahead no what is this energy no let's talk about what you what's making you act like this why don't you talk about it you're so interested

okay I started to tell a story great and then you said so what without even hearing what the story was I heard enough what is their problem those guys are So what, without even hearing what the story was. I heard enough.

What is their problem? Those guys are all jerks. Everyone you name is a jerk. Is it because I said they were my best friends? Who cares? I don't know. I don't even care. But it is, in essence, a story starring four or five guys, not me.

Yeah. And it's starting the story. Are you including me? Yes. And it's starting the story, and you're saying you're my best friends. And I didn't even know this was happening, this gathering. Well, this was a while ago. This is when I was with Brooke. So?

Well, at the time, you were also upset. Yeah, I knew you were going to say what. Because whenever I would mention Brooke, whenever I said I was going to get married, you'd say, so what? Yeah, so what? So every time I ever talk about other friends. Oh, big what? Or other friends. Girls that I whoop. Or other friends.

Girls that I like, you say, so what? Or big whoop. Yeah, well, big whoop, so what? What's your point? I just think I should be able to talk. You talk about other people you like all the time. Not in a way that's disrespectful to you. And you don't know that because you can't feel when you're doing it.

So you don't realize how generous I am. But I always describe them as okay friends. Right. Medium hot chicks. Right. But you talk about... What? Steffi.

You talk about all the stuff that... Oh, Steffi, that's such a joke. She's my wife. I don't even live with her. I don't even think she likes me. I have never heard you talk about her this way before. Yeah, because I keep the mask on, Hayes. We all wear masks in our lives, you know?

And in a way way it's protective. Yeah. And I'm doing it, again, for your sake. I don't want to invite you into the wreckage that is my home life, me and Steffi. I don't want to know about it. I don't want you to know about it, but you want to ask? Okay, we haven't done a deep French kiss in almost six months. Come on. Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. I don't. about it but you want to ask okay we haven't done a deep kiss in almost six months come on

okay you're right you're right you're right you're right i don't that's what you want to hear i don't want to hear that i'm sorry i i she keeps her lip purse tight sean i'm sorry i i i didn't realize how important to me it was to imagine you guys having a nice, loving relationship. Yeah. Well. Are you going to be, like, we talked about the festival and stuff. Are you going to be able to do that? It's fine.

But what's your cash and all the, you and Dan, all your best friends, what happened to them? What was it? and all your best friends? What happened to them? I'm trying to remember. I think it was that all these girls wanted to marry me, and I needed them to marry them instead because I was already married to Brooke. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay, let's just do. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide

to Kicking Button, Dropping Names, and the Red Carpet Linebacker Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We're back from ATX, the airport. It's so nice to be home again we had a fun time at the festival thanks for everyone for coming out to our so great to see all of you there

I know a lot of the people listening now were at the panel because there was a very big audience and so just by pure mathematics some of you must have been there we have a big audience listening and we had a big audience present the questions were great. All of them, even whether they were from the moderator

or whether they were from the audience, they all were worth having. And I think it was good. It was a good festival. It was a dry heat in Austin, and that's how you know I was there, because how else could I describe the weather? Did you see any good toys? Any of the little... In terms of the tech? The little robotic technology and the software. Yes.

What kinds of stuff did you... Did you get to test anything out? Yeah. There was an electric bee that you make friends with. You can ride him or you can just have dinner with him. And he sits and he has great manners and he asks you to pass him the various condiments. And so it's an electric bee that you're – Does he have honey? Does he have like some kind of electronic honey? Well, he does, but it zaps you. There's honey shooting out of him.

But if you touch it, you do get a shock. He likes to be zapped or he doesn't like to be zapped? It's not about whether he likes to get zapped. It's you get zapped if you touch his honey. If you touch his honey. Does he like it when you get zapped? He very politely will be like, oops, sorry.

But you can tell there's a little chuckle behind it. And I can't blame him. He's seen it so many times. People want the honey, but you gotta pay the price. So, I did make friends with that electric bee. We did have a really nice meal at

this barbecue joint that I like with all the meat, Salt Lick. But anyway, we've got a guest. So let's fucking slam dunk into the story. Yeah, and that's a great way to talk about the beginning of what we were going to do because we did have to fly home to talk about sports. We like to do a thing where we talk about March Madness like it is an actual way you get

sick. And we say, better go to the hospital because you got infected with March Madness and your eyes are basketballs now. Yeah, you got stuck with a

needle, with an infected needle that is like, it's not HIV, but it's like MF. It's March Madness Fever. And you got that needle in you, and so the only cure is to watch all the games and have the most fun with your friends. So that's our prescription for you. And with us we have a very esteemed doctor who can also help you heal up on your sickbed there. Oh, right. Okay.

But he does want you to get March Madness as well. Yes. He's the doctor who is has managed to synthesize It's a vaccine, I guess. Yes. It's like the flu shot. You have a little bit of it in you. It gives you a little bit of March Madness. And it doesn't, but it's not like a vaccine

because it doesn't stop you from getting it again. Because we want you to always have it. Okay. Brandon. Hello. want you to always have it. We want you to have the big, yeah. Okay, Brandon. Hello. Thank you for having me. Now, Brandon, we already know you're an expert on marketing and advertising. That's right. That's my day job.

That's what I do for money. Yeah. But also, you also do for money Loving March Madness. And just college basketball in general. And I appreciate you giving me this opportunity to talk about college basketball. And on the flip side of that, talk about the NBA, the Snooze League. Yes. And all the different ways college basketball is a superior thing to watch.

Now, the Snooze league, that's so interesting. Why do you call it that? Well, there's a lot of, I think for a lot of people, if you talk to a lot of white men in their 40s and 50s, they'll tell you the same thing I'm about to say, which is NBA athletes are lazy, overpaid. So they're snoozing. Yeah, everyone's snoozing. They go to sleep.

I'm snoozing watching. You see them. Their eyes are half closed. I'm not saying it's drugs. I'm not saying it's not drugs. Uh-huh. But everyone's asleep. No one cares.

Why would you? You're already rich. And you don't like watching them go to sleep? No, actually, I've not watched an NBA game in 10 or 15 years. And so if it were Snooze League, that would be good. What they were doing is going to sleep, but it's not actually supposed to be that. Yes, that's a name you call it when that's not what it is. Exactly.

Yeah, if it was something where we intentionally are trying to make our viewers sleep, mission accomplished. But I don't think it is. Okay. And so you're saying that college is superior to that. Is that because everyone's awake? Everyone's awake and they're hungry, right? We don't pay these young men. So where do they get their satisfaction?

In sport, in competition. The only people we pay are, you know, these men that guide them, our coaches. Sure. And they get to be the most famous people in it. For sure. They're the stars. Unpaid young men, predominantly African-American, are unpaid for their labor, while a millionaire, predominantly white man, guides them to success. That, to me, is exciting anything. But here's something I like about the version that you're talking about, which I have seen. Great.

And I've seen that the most famous guy every year is sometimes not an African-American guy. In college basketball. Yes. Yes. That is always a pleasure for me because when you do talk about the best player in the NBA, it's like LeBron James, Kevin Durant. I hope I'm saying that right. Steph, not Stephen Curry but then when you get down

to like who was the best college basketball player last year Frank Kaminsky yes Frank the tank now that's someone I could get behind Jimmer Fredette Doug McDermott and isn't it this year the guy Grayson Allen

and what is it about these guys that's so special Doug McDermott. And isn't it this year, the guy, Grayson Allen. Oh, yeah. And what is it about these guys that's so special? Well, I guess it's a character thing. I think it's something you watch them and you're like, that's a guy who's got his life together. That's a guy who knows what's important. He's going to jump for a loose ball. Well, some of these other guys, it almost seems like,

even if they are playing unpaid in college, they have their eyes on getting paid as if they need it. It's the worst. Like it would be their ticket to a better life than they had. But somebody like a Jimmer Fredette, you feel like he's just playing because he loves basketball. He's already good. Yeah, he feels like, yeah, he could make some money, or he could not, and he's probably okay.

My argument, my biggest argument maybe against the NBA is, why wasn't Jimmer Fredette more successful? There's something you're doing. There's some string you're pulling. Right. When a guy like that can't make it, then somebody has structured something in a way that's wrong where it either favors these crazy freak athletes who just jump and run. Right.

Versus somebody who fundamentally is a pretty good shooter if you can get him some space and time. And let him do it from a little closer up. Yeah, sure. No, he can't go all the way out. The way they have the line is crazy. Insane. It's too big. It's not a jump shot.

It also makes me wonder if maybe he, if letting him play was going to show everyone that everyone else was asleep. Yes. And so they had to let him not play anymore because – Too vivacious. Embarrassed. Too vivacious.

Yeah. And I say I've seen the similar kind of thing of what you're describing in podcasting even, and I hate to throw our buddies under the bus, but you see some of these guys who make a lot of money off their podcasts. Spont, I know they're backing up the money truck. I know Hadiketim is obviously pulling in a bunch of Dosef. And those guys, maybe the way they do their podcast is like they're just having a really sleepover with their friends.

And if they were to have people on that were really trying to have fun and do good new games. That then it would show how sleepy they really were. Yeah. And so they maybe don't invite some people who are very hungry. Yes. Who have not really seen any benefit from doing the same amount of work on the podcast or maybe more. If you let those people in, then all of a sudden it makes you look bad. And so they leave those people sort of struggling.

Yes. It's a perfect analogy. Let's talk about why would you do it every time they start to shoot in the NBA, they have to do it so fast. Yes. And they make it too much. Yeah. Why not have it take a little bit longer

and not do a good job as much of the time? The other thing is just the scores. You look, they're clownish. I want to watch a basketball game that's 32 to 34. It's not relatable. Tom Cruise is 5'4". So when I go to see him in a movie, I actually feel like, oh, I could be in the same situation as this guy. That's how tall I am.

But there's a reason that you don't go to see War of the Worlds, one of my favorite movies, and see a nine-foot guy going like, hey, we've got to get rid of the Martians. That guy's a Martian. Exactly. These guys are a little like Martians. They're very athletic, very graceful, skilled giants.

Should we be, rather than going to the games, cheering for them, attacking them? In an X-Men movie, you would. And having them have so much money and all this power has got to be bad because they can just build their forces

and make more Martian warriors who ultimately could maybe take over. And so part of this podcast is going to be we have to stop them and who's with us. And, you know. It reminds me, I just want to say, can you guys believe this direction they're taking in the new Captain America movie where Captain America, the United States has decided that he's too much of a renegade and that he actually is in trouble now and they don't want him to be saving everyone anymore.

I've just never seen that in the second or third version of a superhero movie. I'll tell you where I've seen it. College basketball coaches who, for whatever reason, decide to coach in the NBA and the NBA turns on them. I'm talking about Calipari. I'm talking about Patino. Make them lose on purpose. They bring their genius

to this washed up game and then they're just sort of, yeah, just made, it's embarrassing. They're treated so poorly until they're forced back into the college game they excel in.

Well, and does it seem like maybe it's the players' fault? Because weren't they doing good with even worse of players before? And then they come in and have these supposedly great players? These college coaches come in. It's disgusting. And they go to the players and they do what they would do in college and say, listen, I'll slip you $10,000 if you play for my team. And the NBA players are like, no, I actually want even more than that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And they also go like, hey, look, I'm a white guy with slicked back hair. I'm going to be the main face of this. Yeah. And then a lot of these guys go like, well, I have a skill that basically no one else on the planet has, and I'm displaying that all the time,

and you're just holding a clipboard. Shouldn't I be the main face of it? And I'm like, oh, give me the clipboard guy. He offers them to have dinner at his house twice a week with his family, and they're like— They scoff at him. They don't want to go that much. They want to be with their own families?

I mean, this is when I start to be like, is no one grateful anymore? You miss the chess match. Yeah. When Calipari rolls into town with eight of the best college basketball players in the country, and he plays a team really with no good basketball players, how is he going to use those eight? Those chess pieces. Ooh. And that's how I prefer.

I don't even know. I love college basketball. I watch several games a day. I can't name a player because I'm not interested in their lives. No, I don't really like the players except for maybe Jimmer. Sure. I mean, once in a while there's a Jimmer, there's a Christian Leitner who you can latch on to. So let's do bracketology.

Okay, this is a science that I do understand. What are the different lines? You know, there's that big spider and you're supposed to write in the different names. And you have to do the ones that are already there. You're not supposed to make up your own in the empty ones. There's no writing. You're supposed to pick one of the other ones. And believe me, you cannot win if you make up your own or you put your own name. And so is the spider supposed to be holding the school? Yeah, I guess so. I guess.

Is that what it's a picture of? So it's the spider versus the school, and he's holding it like deciding what to do with it. And they're trying to get to the middle of the spider in its mind. Yes. So that they can drive the spider, I guess, wherever they want to go. But not every school can get to its mind. Only one school can get inside the spider's mind, seize the controls,

but then turn it against the other schools? I know. This is where it starts to get hard. It sounds wild. Because a lot of times they've already destroyed a lot of the schools on their way there. So then they're driving the spider back just to make sure it's really dead or something. It's what makes college basketball so exciting. It's that you never know who's going to win.

To bring it back to another criticism of the snooze league, their playoff system is organized in a way where there's seven games the best team is probably going to win yeah college basketball is not like that who knows who's gonna win obama as a bracketologist mighty contender or fake pretender i think he's underrated oh mighty really has that's certainly yeah close to the Mighty. Do you not want to actually go on record saying he's a Mighty Contender? And are you willing to dispel the rumors that he is a fake pretender, Britt? It's just that because I know what I say carries a lot of weight. Sure.

I'm reluctant to designate someone a mighty contender when they're not. Because I've done it with a couple people, and then they really disappointed me. So is it possible in your mind to be neither a mighty contender nor a fake pretender? Is there something in between? Is it a mighty pretender? I think the majority of people are in this purgatory area where they'll never be either. And that's Obama to you. Yeah.

I mean, in that case, you take that question and what you're saying is mighty contender or fake pretender, you're like return to sender because you don't want to answer it. It's a great response. Yeah. And what was your response? And what you say carries a lot of weight. After all, you're over 400 pounds. Now-

That's true. a lot of weight. After all, you're over 400 pounds. That's true. Do you keep the weight on as a message to other people to be proud of themselves, to other 40-year-old dads who are watching college basketball and

seeing that this is really the model that we should be following, and isn't it nice that the college gets money for school and education instead of giving just the basketball players money to buy more basketball hoops. I put on this weight. Have you heard of a playoff beard? This is the equivalent for me where once I know March Madness is coming up,

I don't stop gaining weight until the championship game, and then I lose it all again. And I have heard of a playoff beard, but I'm just realizing that even though Hayes said, mm-hmm, maybe he doesn't know what it is. Gotcha. My teeth were chattering a little bit because I was a little scared for a minute that I didn't exactly know. So maybe explain the significance of a playoff beard and speak on that. So in a lot of sports, as a sort of superstitious thing,

players and sometimes fans will not shave as long as their team is in competition. As a sort of a good luck task. A good luck task, huh? Yeah, or lack of task because they're not shaving. Sort of ritual. It can be hard to not shave. Just ask Harry's Razors. hard to not shave just ask harry's razors now one question i've had is what college is the best again i carry so much weight 400 right now 430 pounds that i i i don't want to i don't want to

say but i i will say duke is always a school that i've looked up to and respected i think um they develop not basketball players but leaders of men ah and is that important i think it's so important and uh so that's a school uh right now i'm very excited about does anyone feel betrayed by jj red. Redick, speaking of Duke? A little bit. He doesn't carry the Duke tradition of being pretty terrible in the NBA. Yes, he decided to become a traitor and be a good basketball player. He somehow is doing it in the NBA, shooting way too fast from way too far away. The kind of basketball that dares to show up on the stat sheet,

whereas a lot of your other good Duke basketball players will do the better kind, which does not accumulate at its statistics. The only NBA basketball player I've ever enjoyed is Shane Battier. Yes, who ran around to the right place. Oh, ran around to the right place. But made everyone better. Setting screens. It wasn't about him.

It wasn't flashy. He didn't have to actually put the ball in the hoop or take the ball away from someone or give the ball to anyone else. Or catch it. Which are all the things I see JJ doing. Or be able to catch it. Selfish things, really.

Yes, all the things where it's like, me, me, me. I hate this culture of me. I want the culture of you guys do it. But if you need me, you know exactly where I'll be standing. It's in the spot where we all agreed on in practice. Imagine five Shane Battiers just running around setting picks for each other. No one ever getting an assist or a basket. How beautiful a game that could be.

What a chess match. Ooh. Selfie generation. It is. I blame selfie sticks. I blame the selfie sticks. And you see it at the games. It's saying you can shoot

from farther and farther away. And that it's about you. Whereas it used to be if you want a picture of yourself, you better take one of someone else first so you can have a good trade with them. Play it forward. Play it forward.

Can you expand on that? On that idea of playing it forward? I think so. Well, I think you see college basketball coaches doing it all the time yeah like i'm playing it forward by inviting you to come to a school i don't really care if you take classes or not right but i'm going to give you a place to live some food and a uniform and those are all things you didn't have before I came to you. And then you probably won't graduate,

but you had one or two years of being somewhat recognizable in America, and that's a gift. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, play it forward. That makes sense now. How would you change the NBA to make it work?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that question because I've been thinking about this, and I'm just waiting for the day that I pick up the phone and Adam Silver finally gets around to trying to fix this mess he's got. Now, what does this name mean? Yeah, the way you say that, and the silver, it sounds like it might have some kind of ethnic connotation. Well, is Adam Silver kind of the Adam Sachs of the NBA? Are you familiar with Judas accepting 30 pieces of silver

for betraying Christ? Yes, I think I recall that from my studies. Well, I don't think it's a coincidence. And I don't really want to go further into it than that. And by the way, that really happened, and I did have some revelations in the past few weeks. If anyone was listening last week, I did accidentally stumble into a church

and find myself in there. And Judas, as a guy who was a traitor, ultimately had to fulfill his destiny. Can't blame him too much, but don't be like him. I mean, he did it so we could learn that lesson. Yes. And what did you think before that that didn't really happen? Oh, I thought before that these fairy tales we tell our children,

look out or God, a.k.a. the boogeyman, is going to slap your hiney with a lightning bolt. Uh-huh. You know, that was just creating all this fear and everyone's ruled by fear and it caused more wars and killed more people. the diseases and natural disasters combined and everyone was getting killed by these religions and this boogeyman fairy tales. But what I'm realizing is a lot of it did happen and it was so to help us have a code. And isn't it good? And if religion's the opiate of the masses, well, then I'm going to mass and light me up.

I'm taking a big old puff of the poppy seed and tune out. Did you go to church? Tune in, tune out. Did you go to a service? Well, okay, so the services I'm finding out are at very specific times. And you kind of can't just hang out the whole time in between. You wanted to stay there. Well, I was like, when's the next one?

And it wasn't for a little while. And I was like, all right, well, I'll just crash here. And I took out my boombox and just started playing some tunes and that's just how I sort of chill. And they said, well, you can't have your boombox out and I was like, okay. So then I took out my guitar and just

started jamming some tunes live because I was like, well, I've got to have some music to think and they said, you can't do that either. And then I was like, well, what can I do in the church that makes a lot of noise and their response was basically like don't right and then so i was supposed to come back during mass which i then got the time wrong because i don't know if you know this but apparently your watch has a little thing in it that you're supposed to twist to make it keep going.

Hmm. Uh-huh. But you like all this? It just doesn't sound like a positive. The time issues I don't love, but I would like to be a part of the. And the noise stuff. I mean, it sounds like it was all negative. Yeah.

And the noise stuff. I mean, it sounds like it was all negative. Yeah, my experience is inside the church, other than learning, okay, you know, instead of seeing it as a system of fear, why don't we see it as a system of love? Yeah. That was great for me. But some of the rules and the time constraints, I'm just not used to yet. Oh, okay. I'm open to it, but growth takes time.

Uh, and time, as we know, is relative, especially if your watch doesn't have a little thing twisted in it to let you know what really the time is. Right. Because I had thought that it was just one time for almost a month. This reminds me of why can't professional basketball teams be, you know, there are all these like college teams that are like church affiliated and and the army and stuff. Wouldn't it be better

if professional basketball teams could be associated with a specific religion, like Jimmer? Yes. I think it's crazy that right now basketball teams are, basically if you live in that geographical area, that's where your loyalty goes to, which I think

makes no sense. It should be, are you an in that geographical area, that's where your loyalty goes to, which I think makes no sense. It should be, are you an army guy or navy guy? Yeah. Is it a religious thing? Are you cheering for the Catholic teams? Yes. Wouldn't it be better if it was beliefs against one another rather than just like – It's literally just like they're only affiliated with the city.

And it's like, I'm sorry, I live in a city where there's a lot of people who believe something that I don't believe. And I believe something that a lot of people in some other cities do believe. You should get a chance to beat them. I'd like to see them taste the steel of my team. And if they win, then that's the best thing to be. Great. Then they proved it. Well, here's how I changed the NBA playoffs.

And it's borrowing a little bit from what I think makes March Madness so exciting. March Madness is a very short amount of time. NBA playoffs last months. People hate that. My version of the NBA playoffs, it's one day. Each game is 35 seconds long. You don't know who's going to win. It could be anybody.

But by the end of that day, you crown a champion, and that would be the coach of whatever team won that. That sounds good to me. I can really wrap my head around that because the way it works now, there's so many people. It takes so long. I don't know what's going on. I don't know where I am.

I can't breathe. I'm thirsty. I can't find anything in my house. It's dark. The lights have been off for weeks. It's smoky kind of. It's smoky. It stinks.

There's all these sounds, but I can't tell totally where they're coming from. My clothes are old. They're filthy. I don't have anything else. It's bad. They should not do it like this. I'm lost.

That's today's NBA. Yeah, no, that's what it's bad they should not do it like this that's the end today's nba yeah no that's what it's like whereas like if it's just 35 seconds then you put a crown on top of a coach okay that at least is something maybe i'd be able to find my way out well thanks brandon yeah thank you for you know i hope everyone enjoys the marchness and what sports is supposed to be. What do you think you want to be an expert about next time? Well, you know what? I have so many interests. We've touched on religion today, which is a big one for me. Okay.

College basketball. Obviously, advertising is my game. Give us a taste of the religion stuff. For me? Yeah. religion stuff for me yeah well i think there's a lot of religions that are essentially just borrowing from each other oh okay there's too much overlap they're kissing yeah and i think it's like if i was going to join a religion i don't want any other religion to share any of the beliefs of the religion i'm in yeah it gets diluted yeah because then it basically like, am I really at war with this other religion?

Yeah. Or do we kind of think some of the same stuff? It's like I was raised Catholic, but then I'll talk to a Protestant. It's like, oh, we share a lot of the same things? That's weird. Or I'll talk to a Jewish person. Yeah. We share even some things.

Yeah, even that seems like there's some stuff that lines up, which you would think it's opposite. You would think so. That seems like there's some stuff that lines up, which you would think it's opposite. You would think so. I talked to a Buddhist person, and we got on to talking about forgiveness. And I was like, this feels weird that we both have this aspect of very different religions. Yeah, shouldn't we be pissed? Yeah, and I gave up on Catholicism that day.

Yeah, religious killed more people than all wars combined is what I used to say, but now what I'm saying is like, should we get some more wars going to figure out some of this stuff? How are we going to solve which religion is the one? Because the one that I walk into, the kind of church I'm in, I don't know what was going on, really.

I think you're really just replacing wars as we knew them with what wars are today, which is talk shows and reality television. Reality television. You're watching them compete because countries aren't competing themselves. It's sick. Talk shows. Talk shows. Yeah, and politics has become reality television

absolutely that's true the people they act so nuts you start a war you're not going to get in an argument about who the enemy is

right we're all fighting the Nazis and we're all agreed on that today my neighbor's got a Bernie Sanders sign and he lives next door to me yeah on that. Today, my neighbor's got a Bernie Sanders sign. He lives next door to me.

This is, he looks at where my daughters play in the backyard. He's watching that spot? He sees that. When they're there or? He just looks at where they are. He looks where they are. He goes to work, so he's not seeing literally when they are. His balcony looks right down at us or something? Right down.

He can tell what they were doing. It just gives me the willies. Yeah. That's reality television. I mean, give me a break. In a nutshell. So please do watch Awesome Powers. Just that reminded me of the nutshell joke where he goes,

this is me in a nutshell. Help, I'm in this nutshell. How did I get in this great bloody nutshell? What kind of shell is a nut like this in it? And then also listen to our show. You already did, I guess. Get on the forums. Get on iTunes.

Talk about Awesome Powers. Get on Facebook. Do what else? Yeah, watch awesome powers. And just be kind to each other. Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions,

a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes. Ow, baby. That was a HeadGum Podcast.