Hollywood Handbook - Lou Wilson, Our D&D Friend

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

LOU WILSON returns to teach The Boys how to play Dungeons and Dragons.Watch the video recording of this episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So I'm passing your house. I'm stopped outside your house. You come outside. I point at your porch and say, Pumpkin. porch sure and say pumpkin just just normal initiating conversation pumpkin great just say yes what's the issue what's the just say yes i basically did i'm not talking about you you did i'm no no no i'm sorry i'm talking about your next door neighbor oh okay yeah i'm i don't

know if i use the word yes no you said uh-huh uh-huh yeah that was great yeah i like that even better than yes that's even more exciting for me right i get to the next house they get their phone out it's like i'm trying to have a conversation with you you don't need to talk to someone else when i you don't need at your phone what are you gonna call the pumpkin and say pumpkin or big he ain't gonna answer sweetie yes just or she a yes is fine uh-huh they're not gonna answer honey that's no need to call the pumpkin that's that's right is very affirming for me as I'm opening myself up to you. What I said, and I'm remembering more clearly, I said, uh-huh, and I said, uh-huh, big pumpkin. Yes, that's right.

And I said big pumpkin. Yeah. So that's so crazy because my neighbors, I'm not super close with them. I mean, I'm physically close to them. Yeah. We have a shared bathroom i wouldn't call it a driveway yeah i wouldn't either it's a it's a bathroom yeah we have a shared bathroom but i do sometimes why would you even think about well i keep my cars in there i mean i keep my cars in

the bathroom okay but um yeah i i i've never had a big problem with them but that's disappointing obviously that they uh that they took out their phone when you were when you were saying pumpkin um what do you want me to do from here because like i sent them the uh letter that you wrote um uh exactly as you instructed with no return address no anything else um i got they i got no response like directly to I mean, I guess I wouldn't because there's no return to dreams. No, there was no way for them to respond, but I put it in. I wrote on the envelope, you're going to die. And then I gave them the letter and the drawings of them in various states of dismemberment uh and i and i sort of walked into where i said hey i just found this with your address on it uh it was you know it was up the block um i didn't do the thing

you asked me to to say that a clown inside the sewer handed me this because i i did feel like that was gonna that's why they might not read it really you would you you wouldn't read that if someone told you that i would but that but i also wouldn't have been in this situation at all you're totally right there's absolutely no way to anticipate their behavior given but instead of saying oh big pumpkin they they took out their phone out and make multiple calls speaking of making call i call my guest ring ring hello it's hello can you answer lou my guest my phone hello welcome to the show the show's calling is anybody there i hope we're not interrupting lou wilson speaking will loosen i like will loosen i don't hate that loosen we love having a guest i call will loosen i call will loosen when i when i have a tough jar to open

hey i've got those i got those big meat oh i will loosen i will loosen that yeah that took me a second that took me a half second but i got there i really wanted all of hello will loosen lou yes what's up you know know. Everything. Tell me everything. Lou, don't leave out a thing. We don't have anything else to say. The floor is yours. All right. Well, you know what?

Hey, guys, this weekend has been a really exciting one for me. I went to Disneyland. I don't want to hear about the weekend. Okay. All right. I want to hear about the weekend. Okay. All right. Well, last week. I want to hear about the work week. Yes, please. We get down to business on this show.

Of course. You know, hey, man, we're hustling these days. We're in these streets. It doesn't stop. You know, I'm announcing for Jimmy Kimmel most days, and then the rest of the days. Hollywood Boulevard. That's what of the days. Hollywood Boulevard. That's what it is.

On Hollywood Boulevard, me and the Spider-Men, me and the Wonder Women, me and this one guy who wears a Zorro outfit with a really loose shirt that you're like, somebody should stop this man. That's a real sword. People don't know that. People don't know. People don't know. No one really wants to inquire about it, but I have seen it. It is a real sword people don't know that but people don't know people don't know no one

really wants to inquire about it but i have seen it it is a it is a real sword and i understand why nobody asks no it's no because you will kill everyone if you get yeah if you get the correct answer the true answer which is that it's real like then what do you do yes yes uh there's no way to proceed no you i think everyone just lives in that kind of schrodinger's cat space where we don't if we find out it's a real sword you i think it's real yeah if it's you know uh there's still a slight possibility that it's not real so for me to not know i can just kind of walk on and you you like the cat are simultaneously both alive and dead before you ask about the real sword yes okay that's nice that's fun for you you say good and what do you say i say live from

hollywood it's jimmy kim alive i do it and i do it well well. Should probably be a little okay. Is Jimmy okay? Yeah, is he okay? Yeah, he's hanging in there. Is he okay? All right. Yeah, I think he's doing okay. He's doing all right. Okay. Sometimes he seems really upset.

Pandemic's so crazy. Yeah. Pandemic be crazy, you know? So crazy. But I think he's hanging in there. I think he's having a good time. I think he likes, you know. As long as anyone can, but yeah.

Yeah, but, you know, as long as there's a show to host with his name on it, I think he'll be there, except for about three months of the summer when he's not there and a bunch of other people host the show. But apart from that, he'll be there. I wanted to ask about that. other people host the show but apart from that he'll be there i wanted to ask about that may i host the show um you want to you want to host just uh you want you want one of

the guest slots you just said there's like three months where basically nobody's hosting multiple weeks lots of days may i host the show you want want one? You know, hey, let me... Not one, sorry. Just how many... You said there were three months where it's open. There's three whole months, yeah. And I feel like this rotating carousel of clowns that you bring in, just there's no consistency.

There's no way to ever feel the sort of comfort of a friendly face who we've grown accustomed to at all uh i think we should have a permanent guest host during those three months and are you putting yourself is this is this the moment where you are saying may i he's asking he's asking very nice and kind may i please host the show i mean do i do i think it's an amazing idea do i absolutely love it do i want to scream live from hollywood it's sean clements live of course i do of course i do there's nothing i want more in the world uh but you know i i'll have to talk to the best i'll have to talk to the powers that be.

You know, I have to go talk to Bob Chapek. Can you loosen? Ben Stein, who I hear still has profound influence over Jimmy. Yeah. I mean, he has so much money to win. Have we thought about this before? Bob Chapek signs my Bob paycheck. Wow, that's really nice. Yeah. It's almost like a da vinci like clue like yes

standing under the sistine chapel i like a version of robert langdon that says shut up. I'm thinking. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Hang on a second. Hang on. Wait, shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Everyone shut up. Can you shut up for a fucking second? I'm thinking. I'm like figuring out something complicated here. Okay. Can you shut up? It's pub paycheck.

He signs the paycheck. Hey, Lorne. This is Robert Langdon. If he says shut up. Thanks so much for having me back to audition after what happened last time. I mean, you'd be on in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat. I promise I'm not going to throw up or cry. Hand me the codex. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I'm doing the codex. You shut shut the fuck up i'm doing i'm doing the codex you can see i'm doing it like what do you think like jesus hollywood handbook this week on the patreon carl and i pick out his halloween costume on the pro version the boys participate in the first annual celebrity podcasters golf outing and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with Lou at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones.

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You're actually doing the cooking and there are 35 different options to choose from every week including calorie smart protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal the promises the meal makes us sleepy you've been pushing that so much you're saying that you will be added on to your bed yeah your bed plus one that's the opposite of what this is supposed to

do it's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two, me walking in my bedroom. What's the second? It's you and your bed? My bed.

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most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys hollywood hamburg lou yeah and there's this other stuff too isn't it i don't quite understand it but yeah i i'm also a professional dungeons of dragons player the master of house dungeon yes yes lord of this stuff is so crazy what is happening what's going on in these big dungeons? Because it's something else, right? It's not even like the normal thing.

Well, it can be. It's just I do a lot of, we'll layer a bunch of stuff on top of it. So it's not just we're like elves running around. It's in space. Shooting orcs. Yeah, we'll go to space. It's something crazy, huh? It's different.

It's crazy. Well, you know, we'll do it in New York City. We'll be wizards and witches. I don't know. In New York City. I don't know about this. I got to do it. I got to get a piece of it, obviously.

Modern day New York. I don't like it. Yeah, I've killed a mutant Santa Claus in modern day New York. I can't believe I have to do this now. I murdered a mutant Santa Claus with lightning from the subway in the M&M store. Under the giant yellow M&M. He watched. This is my life and this is now what's expected of me. Yeah, this is what I do.

This is part of my life. All right. Yep. If you say so. What? what this is what people are doing if this is what if this is how we get clicks or whatever the fuck we need uh you know kevin knows all that stuff but yeah let's do it so let's do the game you want to oh you want to play oh you want to play right now and we have to say who say who our guys are is that yeah is that always do you make me a guy or am i gonna have to bring my own guy theoretically uh i would do months of work uh leading up to this moment uh involving world building and preparation and a bunch of

other stuff uh i mean we we can't just go but, you need a guy and you need to decide what his name is and what his skills are. But we could also do like a stripped down version where maybe it's more closer to you. My guy is a stripped down virgin. A stripped down virgin? Okay. Yeah, so that's exactly what you pit that's exactly what i was thinking okay great my guy is a fully nude virgin okay great he is uh you say skills yeah he needs skills okay well i my guy's probably marshall mathers then okay we're just talking about skills so does that mean he's eminem before he's eminem or is it eminem

with all of eminem's skills now i don't really know what the game like i don't really understand how the thing works i'm just kind of going off like anything you say i'm just immediately bouncing off it okay and i and i'm and i i'll be totally honest i'm panicking like okay great hey it's all gonna catch up we've got two characters all right we've got a uh yes uh a stripped down virgin we've got a naked version and we got marshall mathers great that's that's a hot start i can already see this party coming marshall mathers is probably looking at my guy and doing that thing he did where he's like hey i'm not i'm not into that shit but shit. But it's like a joke now, I guess, when he does that. He used to do it for real, but now it's like he's joking around.

He's kidding. But you just talked about murdering a mutant in the M&M store. And then I said, I'm Marshall Mathers, whose name is M&M. And I just feel like it's gonna it's gonna feel like I'm being pretty lazy I like my brain just can't well hey Marshall Mathers is a great name you don't have to be Eminem you could just be Marshall Mathers and have I think I want I think it's not the same really like that Lou okay you just want to be named three different people actually because they're slim Shady as well,

which is when he's being really nasty. Okay, so we got a stripped-down version, and we got Marshall Mathers. The next thing you have to decide is your class. So you can be a barbarian, or you can be a wizard, or you can be... Science class. I'm sorry? Science class. You want to be a wizard, or you could be... Science class. Oh, sorry? Science class.

You want to be a science class? That just seems where I get to do the most fun experiment. Okay, sure. Okay, yeah. I guess I had some problems in science class. I was actually getting beat up in school. Okay. So one of your classes

that happened to me as well they made me take a shower you know that emergency shower in science class yeah the teacher and students would be like okay time for this kid they don't even know my name do you say teachers plural multiple teachers yes the teachers and the student i went to a really good school where every class had five teachers okay this is this is backstory for your character okay sure we can use this yeah and so okay and so i would effectively i mean it just made sense it then like i was famously a virgin at the time and it would just make sense for me to show up to science class

pre-nude because I'm going in the shower like you know I don't want to get they probably put me in the shower too one thing I know about my school experience is that well the thing I remember saying is peed on beyond free lunch then change school every three months so i got peed on so i'd probably be in the science

shower you know yeah uh yeah uh yeah 100 so okay so we have a science class. And then did you pick a class, Marshall Mathers, yet? Oh, am I not in the same classes? You can be in science classes. I guess I wouldn't because I'd be changing schools. Yeah, because all the piss. Right. Can I just be at recess okay class so we've got a recess class and so we can kind of extrapolate that out to some skills for science some skills for recess you're more of a martial

kind of physical guy you know you you can hit a playground ball really hard or climb a jungle gym. Hey, you know what I say? Whatever happened to catching a good old fashioned passionate ass whooping and getting your shoes coat and your hat tuck in? You know what I mean? Like, that's how it used to be when I was out at recess. Yeah. Why does he want that?

Why did Marshall Mathers want that? Yeah. Why does he want that what why did why did marshall bathurst want that yeah why does he want that to say what happened to it he's just asking questions about what happened he's my recollection is this used to happen okay so i i'm walking around i think what happened to it in his experience probably is well you grew up and became very famous it probably still is happening somewhere right what happened to getting a passionate ass whooping getting your shoes coat and your hat took it then this is what this is what it is i mean this is what it can be all right it is it is so much more hey i can't believe we have to do this i mean again you don't have to i'm not i don't know oh lou uh it would that that were true yeah it's it's really you could not be more mistaken i'm seeing you do this all these other

people are doing this people are like oh my gosh i like that they do i'm going are you fucking kidding me what about what i do they're going no uh well hey we're gonna get you guys off board i think i have everything from far away too i just hear them from a very far distance just yelling at you from so far if seeing me seeing as in real life this is your guy's quest i'm happy to jump in to the adventure now uh and this is how we talk this is yeah this is like we just can do normal stuff we have to say it like it's like something weird yeah kind of a little bit yeah it helps it helps it just it's kind of what we're all doing um and then so the thing uh you need to know if uh and for those of you at home that can't see i i'm assuming you guys don't have a bunch of polyhedral dice just kind of hanging out with you like nearby

your station and workstations at all times wow look at this have a bunch of these you have a bunch of this i have a little uh device right here that i can spin oh okay yeah that'll i can spin this just yeah we can use that this guy has kind of little crazy i don't want to say crazy these are these are interesting at least eyes yeah and i can i can spin him when I want to just do something interesting. Awesome. Yeah. Well, if there comes a moment where we need a child's toy to be spun, I'll let you know. Sean, do you have anything close?

Hang on. Oh. Okay. Great. All right. That's a knife. and that is that is also useful uh i have a blade sean sean's famous line is that's not a knife oh wait yes it is kind of like a nouveau crocodile dundee yeah Oh, wait, sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, wait.

Please allow me to apologize. I closed her inspection. That is a knife. 100%. I think I was so ready to dismiss it as not a knife. And isn't this a lesson? Don't we do this? Not just in this situation situation but with other things

where you know we come in with these preconceived notions of what someone's going to present us with and uh and we don't take the time to really investigate and think about it so let me offer you my hand and apology put the knife down first please you my hand and apology put the knife down first please and let's shake together what's my guy my guy doesn't have a name kevin can you give my guy a name please name jengis please jengis yeah jengis jengis jengis okay okay jengis so uh because you guys don't have jengis can uh i'll be rolling dice for you uh and i'll let you know the result i promise i won't cheat you roll them all you take that big box you turn upside down go go everywhere yeah that's that that's the way it goes baby no what if it's what if it's jengis k, but it's spelled like the Conn Film Festival?

Or James Conn. James Conn. J-Gus Conn. Jameis Conn. So this is the adventure of J-Gus Conn and Marshall Mathers. Great. Okay. All right.

And then it says different stories on it. What? The dice? It says different stories? No. So it has different numbers. And so we'll roll it. Those things loaded, my man?

No. Hey. I have no way to check it. I'd stake my whole honor as a D&D player and my place in the D&D society on these being honest dice. One sec, Lou. Hey, they can weight these things.

What they do is they preload the dice with unevenly distributed weight so it lands on the number that's to their advantage i knew it so that's something they course i'm getting hosed you can get completely hosed by this you're playing on what you think is a fair game wow of dungeon man and instead what it ends up being is you're getting hosed and just when i said he's not doing people okay lou nobody's getting hosed i guess i've got no choice hey exactly i've got you between a rock and a hard place i did get hosed so actually my character did get hosed in science class okay so this and that's another time where they took you they said the shower is not working so they took you outside yeah they said this shower is somehow not getting the job

done you didn't take you into the bathroom i got beat up in the bathroom by a kid named d'angelo bailey as part one of the stories that i tell i have some of my songs. Wow. I wonder if it was his real name. Wow. Something to think about. Yeah, we'll hold that in our hearts. Okay. I think we're ready to begin the adventure. A clear, starlit night. The moon hangs high in the sky as we descend over a forest of evergreen pine trees.

a road, a gentle road, a lonely road that cuts through this beautiful forest coming upon a small... Are we outside? No. Well, this is just narration. This is just set up. I'm just saying, we haven't met you guys yet. We're going to get there. But you'll be inside the tavern.

Can't do taverns. There's already a tavern. It's a magic one. There's already a magic one. There's a magic tavern. What about an old-fashioned speakeasy? Okay, great. Yeah, we could do that.

Okay. fashion speakeasy. Okay, great. Yeah, we can do that. Okay. Cutting through the gentle road, cutting through the forest comes upon a barber shop.

But to most people would think it's a barber shop. But going in, there's no barber. It's secret. It's fake. Secret barber shop. There's a mirror. And if you press the shaving cream i like this the mirror slides open and there's password cool password what do i say what's password tiger blood oh tiger blood winning of course walking down the stairs you come to a door with one of those like slidey holes and the guy opens it but he says password and you say tiger blood it should be oh

it should be no haze no i like that haze and lou you can work on this with us too okay something you ask for at the barber shop like you want like a special like like i'm oh you want like a high and tight yes like i'm i'm here for the uh the secret perm the secret perm one secret perm please how about how about it's called how about the password is chicken perm chicken perm chicken so of course the door slides open you utter the uh you utter the secret phrase i'd like one chicken i'd like a chicken berm door opens uh created by the warm sweet scents of uh mulled wine and hot cider as we enter this

speakeasy. And over in the corner, we find enjoying a beer and whatever Marshall Mathers is drinking. A rotten peach. Sipping a beer and a rotten peach sitting in the corner are our two heroes. Marshall Mathers and Genghis Khan.

Like the film festival. Oh, you know what? You know what I actually sip on? Oh, Bacardi Dark. Sipping a Bacardi Dark. i'm having a mold molson and a mold most of us a spiced spiced molson a bold bolson uh are our two heroes yeah bacardi dark is how i used to make the party start uh can you describe your characters for us uh marshall what do you look like what's your appearance i'm wearing a detroit tigers hat okay t-shirt really long t-shirt great no bottoms

yeah i'm there's bottoms but you're going to see them under this T-shirt. Great, great. And Genghis, I'm assuming you're naked. Yeah. Nude, naked, man. Straight up. But in this speakeasy, that's common knowledge. Most people know that you're the stripped you're you're the uh you're the stripped down

virgin of legend yeah i'm visibly virginal visibly virginal uh you see that the bartender comes out from around the bar walks up to your table uh can i get you lads any more drink i want to use my talking to him or am i talking to you oh you're i'm i am him the yeah i'm the i'm the bartender uh i'm playing the bartender that's i'm doing a voice and i'm doing we're in the world we're in it uh can i say he's losing yeah that's it yeah that's part of it that's yeah that's part of it i like i kind of and that's your guy kevin can you write down what's your guy in the show i'm all the guys i'm all the guys that aren't you what's this one this is a bartender but what's it like what's his deal like what's his name what's he wearing you guys are you made me do all this stuff okay all right hey i he's

just a fucking bartender all right he wears a fucking apron a blue fucking apron okay great hey blue apron that's all i'm asking all right he's wearing a blue apron and a white t-shirt and a gray khaki pants and his hair is orange. And he looks at you, and he says, do you want another fucking drink? Okay? Exactly. That's all I was asking. Great. That's really nice.

That's a really nice character. Now I feel like I actually understand what's happening. And we're all contributing. It's like an even playing field where it's not like one person's doing a fucking shit ton of work, me, and everyone else is just kind of relaxing through the whole show all right you know that's fine that's the answer is yes i would like another drink i brought a hydro flask please put my molson in the flask if you need to measure it you need to fill it up all the way i understand that's like more than a normal serving of molson but it's got residual spices

in there that i would like to not not go to waste okay so this is going to be our first skill check because that's not normally how they would do things at a bar right so you need to yes i said I said I know that it's a larger vessel than normal for a serving of beer. I understand that. You don't have to tell me it's how you normally do things. Okay, so now I'm going to step out of the character and become Lou again. So I'm going to roll a dice because we need to see how you do on persuading this bartender. Where'd he go? Who?

The bartender? I guess, where'd he go who the bartender where i guess where'd lou go you said it's you well i so i'm so i'm so i play all the characters in and the world yeah i understand that okay so i so i i didn't go anywhere i'm always i'm here i am the the okay great i know i yes i know But where is he? I'm right here. Hey, guys, I feel like we're starting to fight, and I don't want to fight, all right? I want to have a fun time playing D&D

because you guys have to. I thought it's part of it. Don't they fight in D&D? I mean, we'll fight. We'll fight, but it'll be later. You're saying you're killing... Now we have to do this, and they're not even allowed to fight anymore?

No, you guys will fight. We'll have a fight. We'll get to fight anymore. No, you guys will fight. We'll have a fight. We'll get to a fight. Yeah. This country. Okay. What is happening to this country? They're not even allowed to fight.

It's literally. It's a persuasion check. Oh, okay. So you rolled a natural 20. That's the best you can do. That's a big natural. That's a critical success. And so immediately you see the bartender looks at you and he says uh oh jingus of course anything for the legendary fill up the whole hydro flask

you hey for you buddy hey why did you not have sex uh and you see he grabs the flask takes it behind the bar and proceeds to fill it all the way up that fucking kicks ass holy shit uh marshall uh marshall i'm gonna have you make a perception check so that's just uh you're kind of looking around the room kind of taking things in uh and you got a three which isn't very good, but you feel eyes on you. You gave me a three. I didn't give you a three. I rolled the dice, and it was a three. That sucks.

Yeah, you rolled the dice, and it turned out to be a three. You rolled a three. If I roll the dice, who knows what happens? Maybe I get a big natural 20. Maybe. Right now, Hayes has got the big natural 20s. You have a natural uh and you you feel eyes are on you in the room but you can't tell where they're coming from

okay they're somebody's head i mean yeah probably with this crazy shit this probably no that's what i'm realizing is that their nipple or some insane thing coming out of their damn ass cheeks no i mean that's where the eyes could be in this because everything's so messed up now this is what we have to do we should do a show where people's eyes were in their head no and for a long time, I think it worked pretty well, you'll agree. Damn ass cheek. I'm going to make a perception check for Jengis.

That's a 13 for Jengis. Jengis, you see that across the bar, there's a guy who's on a table on all fours, kind of with his ass pointed toward you wow and I'm like what's up

he's on the other side of the bar he's looking at us okay and I doff my cap so let me ask so I guess I'm not fully nude I am wearing a Toronto Blue Jays cap yeah what's up, Sean?

If you had done a good job rolling my number, and you really did it, would I have been able to see where the eyes were coming from you would have that i saw it so cool i think i'm starting to like the junction game because it's because it's so i'm trying to see so it's like you're gonna look around and if you roll a high number it's like you see what you're looking for and if you don't you're like i can't fucking see jack shit that's uh but i can tell him you you can't tell him of course jingles that's in the rules yes you that is allowed that is okay marshall would like to talk to jangus please yes

don't look now marsh this fool's got eyeballs in his damn ass cheek and he's pointing tushy vision straight at yours truly oh my wow this rocks i get to be whoever i want marshall is there anything you want to do you now see that there's the guy on all fours with his ass pointed at you guys from across the speakeasy. I would probably battle him. I'm sorry? I would battle him.

I would initiate a battle. So you're just going to run and does Marshall have a weapon? Yeah. Lyrics. Yeah. Rap battle. His flow. Yeah that that's what he's saying all right you're going you're going to spit with marshall at at the ass man yeah great uh you uh you see you stand up to spit at the ass man you see the ass man hops off the table he stands on his

leg on his hands and his uh you see kind of like voltron his feet go from being above his head to kind of sliding down and uh where like the gap in his pants kind of opens up like a mouth like his cheeks uh like his cheeks can talk uh and he says, I hated all of your most recent albums, and we'll go ahead and roll initiative. So that's going to determine who goes first in combat. In the rap battle. In the rap battle. So this is for the ass man.

He got a 15. This is for Marshall. He got a 15 this is for marshall uh he got a five uh if this is for jangas uh jangas also got a 15 and because jangas is uh naked he's more you're sorry yeah you're tied but you're naked and more dexterous than the ass man, so you'll go first. Okay. And so we slow down combat so that we can, everyone can kind of make turns and choices in this kind of heated moment of the beginning of the rap battle. Genghis, what do you want to do at the beginning of this rap battle uh you see your friend standing up pants uh shirt long hat low ready to uh spit uh spit bars at this ass man i throw this man at the window i said that that's i guess that's why they call window pane okay great uh you're gonna make an opposed

athletics check uh i'm gonna roll both dice you'll be this one he'll be that one uh can i just do it can i just do it no can i please just do it i we i know just rolled we just did this we have to keep rolling that's part of the game rolling Can I just do one thing? Can I please just do this one thing? It's really important to me. Hey, I know. I have high hopes you're going to do it. But we have to roll the dice. It's part of the game.

You can say whatever you want. You got a 19. And he got a 12. So you succeed. You throw him out of the which didn't have to be such a ordeal every single time but well thank you i guess well this would be nice if i could just do one thing that i want to do then it gives us it gives it stakes it makes it so you know so you can't throw him out of the window every time. I didn't say every time.

I just wanted to do it this one time. He asked if he could do it, and he asked pretty nicely. I guess I don't have a voice in this because I somehow rolled a five. Well, you toss ass man out the window. He says, you say that's why. I guess that's why they call a window pane. He says, oh, that sounds like some shit lyrics from your boy over there. He is going to.

My lyrics aren't good. I think so. You toss him out the window doing five points of damage as he goes. You see that kind of there are cuts along his kind of assy. The cheeks kind of get streaked with blood as he goes through the window. You see that he's going to come. He's going to climb back in the window and run and punch Marshall. Or no, actually, excuse me. He has a knife. He's going to pull out a knife, and he's going to run and try and stab Marshall. Or no, actually, excuse me. He has a knife. He's going to pull out a knife

and he's going to run and try and stab Marshall. Wow. That's a crit. He's going to do double damage. But I haven't killed him. What? And on your turn, you'll get to use your knife.

On your turn, you'll get to use your knife. Oh, I was going to use your knife. On your turn, you'll get to use your knife. Oh, I was going to rap. Okay, that's 14 points of damage. You see, he runs and absolutely guts you, Marshall. He guts you. He stabs you deep in your stomach and goes, you should have responded to Stan. And he turns it hard.

You only have one HP left. you're on death's door uh but it is your turn so do i roll again or anything i roll what do you want to do something first well what do you want to do what do i want to do yeah you could do a like you know i want to jenkins one of the fire okay yeah all right spit hot fire on to this guy okay okay um so i'm gonna code i'm gonna use well he's getting ready called no what no wait what are you gonna do there's a spell called vicious mockery in your in the game and so he's you're gonna spit your bars and then he's gonna make a wisdom saving throw and if he fails your bars will do max damage and if not your bars will do some damage but not as much okay let's try it okay so he's gonna. He only got an eight. So your bars do max damage.

What's Marshall's hot bars that he's spitting at the ass man? Okay, hang on. There's several different levels of devil worship and horses heads, human sacrifices, cannibals, candles, and exorcism. Animals having sex with them, camels, mammals, and rabbits. But I don't get into that. I kick the hat, but I just beat you to death. the weapons that eat through the flesh i'll never eat you unless the fucking meat looks fresh i got a lion in my pocket i'm lying i got an eye in my pocket and

maybe i'm just dying to cock him he's ready for you see uh jengis as your friend starts to spit uh his words uh turn into uh you see the wind that carries his words turns into little bits of embers that scorch and burn the ass man's face. Hey, man. Hi, Crawford. You want to say hi? What's up, dude? Hey, what's up, man? Does he get to be, let's figure out who his guy is. Yeah, who's his character? Who do you want to be? Who do you want your character to be? We're playing like a...

It's like some kind of imaginary game or something. It's like a pretend game where you make up a guy that you're going to be. It's like there's wizards and... Yeah, or you could be a ghost. So who do you want to be?

A ghost. A ghost. Nice. Oh, okay. Great, so we got a ghost? Wow. Vivian, what do you want to be? I think we stay in dolphin.

She wants to be a dolphin? Okay, so we have a ghost and a dolphin. Is that okay, Lou? Yeah, I make exceptions for children, 100%. You two, I have to hold to a higher standard. But these children can do literally whatever they want. Yeah, I'll do a very high standard. Daddy, I don't know why this pen is in here, but...

And why that pen is in there? Yeah, you made that for me. That was like a pen holder, like a cup you made me with dinosaurs on it. Alright, I gotta get back to the show, bud. But this outfit looks amazing. Bye. Bye.

So that's what this is. It's just so crazy to me that this kind of stuff is so popular. I'll go with it. Hey, it's real. We're're doing it um and yeah you see that uh the the rap lyrics from marshall turn into bits of flame that burn ass man's face uh and uh you guys kill him uh and just in time he dies and the guy walks over with your hydro flask, Jankus, and he says, fill her up. Well, I filled her up. Okay.

I filled her up. Sorry. First of all, this took forever. This is the bartender with the white T-shirt and the gray jacket. Oh, he's back? I haven't seen this guy. This took forever. I thought you moved. Hey, hey man i thought you moved hey you guys started a fight in my speakeasy

i don't think is it this guy i mean this is one of those bartenders who's like hey get out of my bar it's like it's probably not your bar man well i just work here i'm a manager it's not yours though uh you just like being a manager doesn't mean that you it's like your bar yeah well when i'm managing i'm the one who's in charge um you guys are being awful mean to me i mean you're just the yeah i mean you're just ultimately you're an employee for the person who owns the bar so it's like you don't have to be that invested in it but the owner always talks about how we're all one family you could quiet quit you should quiet quit what is quiet? I've never heard of quiet quitting. I'm a bartender in a speakeasy in a fantasy land.

Okay. All right. It's an odd thing to say. Well, you're the one who's going to. And so now I just want to point out now that you want to do your thing. There's no one has to roll anything. Yeah. You just get to do whatever you want.

You're just talking. You don't have to roll and get a sentence skill or some insane shit. Well, if you want to do something significant, if you wanted to make this bartender play. I actually think a conversation between two human beings making a connection is significant i mean i understand that's like not like in this day and age that's very antiquated concept but i actually think it really is significant for two people to make an actual human connection not on their phones well you can you want to make an insight check as to how it's going with the bartender?

Sure, yes. Okay. That would be really nice. You only got a two. You think this conversation's going great. You think you and this guy are getting along really good. You don't think his feelings are hurt. You think, honestly, maybe you should go harder.

Maybe he really needs, maybe today's the day he needs to hear what you have to say lou why don't you roll a number for yourself okay oh i missed i'm kidding and that's just fine to do okay i got a five uh okay hang on reply i'm opening up a book to a random page and then i'm assigning you the fifth word because you rolled a five and what am i supposed to do with the word buddy it's your game man that sounds like something almost like a code that robert robert langdon who tells people to shut up what roll the number shut up wait wait shut up hold on shut up i'm reading something hold on reply three four i don't okay i don't know why uh shit shit um but yeah uh so you know i mean hey guys i bought this fantasy world in hollywood handbook that was a hate gum podcast