Hollywood Handbook - Making Cute Characters with Whitmer Thomas and Clay Tatum

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

The Boys welcome back WHITMER THOMAS and CLAY TATUM to make some seriously cute characters. Make sure to check out their podcast American Arts & Culture Review.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. real story king would never be in the room now we're telling the real story when kevin sent out the email for this episode the subject was zoom link for whit and clay episode and then i think he just typed out in the body click to join which is what you would do with a hyperlink and i click and then i clicked a different part of it i clicked every single part of it i was clicking it for eight or nine minutes i hurt i got hurt hurt my hand hurt my arm hurt my hand broke my computer expensive i don't know that's coming out of somebody's end of the patreon but i'm not paying for it i made a mess in my room well i i ended up getting in a fight with my wife because i was cussing so much which we're we're doing um we're doing no cuss november early this year we decided to start it really early we know we're not gonna

make it all the way to november but we just said like all right well let's just let's get some of it out of the way now and then we'll maybe do like a couple weeks in the fall and yeah just spread it out because it's so hard all at once which by definition if i'm doing no cuss november that also means no not november as well oh yeah because i'll hand in hand when that in that moment i'll i will say shit yeah when that moment arrives uh yeah when it's i'm getting closer and closer and i'm kind of in control i'm going okay yes i'm liking this yes i appreciate thank you for that all right this is okay dicks dicks ass i say what happened kevin how'd you do that so if you highlight a and uh words and hit command

don't say me it makes the link let's do this kevin when we talk about this is just for this is just like more helpful therapeutic communication don't say if you do this yeah sorry you click the thing if you say one thing that happened to me i will never i did something yes i did something nasty i would never be in the position to have this job a never in my life and if i did i would never ever do this okay i did something nasty if i highlight a couple words and hit command k it automatically makes the hyperlink after discovering this sometimes i see how fast i can click command k and command v to paste it sometimes i do it so fast and hit send that i don't realize i actually never even sent the link i didn't click k at all or v um

i think that might be what happened today so it's a speed test against yourself the being judged by and witnessed by no one and and the reward is only that we have something to talk about potentially on the beginning of the podcast if you fail. So it's an interesting exercise. And ultimately, you know, in all sports, all competition, like it really is just you versus yourself, isn't it? It's the man in the mirror is the only one I'm playing against. And I'm getting my happy meal ass kicked up and down main street daily by mr me welcome to hollywood handbook and welcome the guide inside a guide

to kicking about dropping names right couple back and i can i say this and i want to welcome our guests the story's actually not over for me okay because i did reply to that email and say hey it said click to join and i said click what because there was no link and then i texted and i said hey there's no link here and kevin instead of saying sorry sir said said the link is also in the calendar which my calendar is not hooked up to my computer so i would have to join zoom from my phone which i can't do i did find the calendar invite from my email on my computer and when i clicked it said the host has another meeting in progress so the link must have changed at some point do we need a lesson on what the word also means yes the link is not also in the calendar yes that's the link is exclusively in the calendar the link is available only in the calendar and that one's out

of date that's true the initial one i sent somehow expired yes i don't know how because it says it is a it is for five o'clock today and then when i clicked on it this morning it said it expired so then i sent a new one to just wit and clay i guess expire you remember the ant the ant expired. Expired. That ant. Remember the ant from ants? You remember that ant? The one ant that tells you when it's expired. And I do want to welcome our guests. I love having them here.

And I hate that they have to see this side. Oh, you got your podcast. You know, you do have a podcast. You know what it's like. Oh, yeah. You don't want to see how the sausage gets made necessarily. What you want to do is just chow down on the sausage. Talk about eat the sausage. Talk about eat it.

We love that stuff. Are we allowed to talk? Yeah, I can't remember. Yeah, I don't know if we... I can't remember. No. Okay, well, I'm glad that we asked. Hayes decided no. I'm glad you did too because I actually didn't know if we... I can't remember. No. Okay, well, I'm glad that we asked. Hayes decided, no, I'm glad you did too,

because I actually didn't know. And I would have been wrong. I would have said, please talk for the rest of the time. I'm going to go take a nap. I'm exhausted. The whole link thing. My hand's killing me. Not to mention, I got to smooth things over with the missus

the curse words i was saying let me just say you know the attitudes stay the way they are right now it's gonna be quite a long time before you hear me say dicks yeah because i'm getting i'm getting the frosty treatment i love to eat boiled sausage yeah clay don't say anything why i'm sorry we're not allowed to say anything go home come home my dogs are barking i put that big my the big pot of water is waiting for me. I set that on the stove in the morning. Because I know that's a little gift for Hayes later. Then I just fire it up. Wait 30-40 minutes.

Water gets so hot. The water's practically boiling. I drop that sausage in there splash everywhere hurt me there's essential oils in the water often too yes yes just to make the aroma yeah and also because then it makes it's healing my arm that I hurt. And your barking dogs. Yeah, my dogs. Hold the bun over the pot.

Steam the bun. Steam bun. Steam bun until it just rips apart. Until you pinch it and it just disintegrates. It just runs down your sleeve. Try to use the bun as tongs to get the sausage out hot sausage keeps falling in i have to keep putting in more buds get out of hot sausage eat it eventually all the buns absorb all the water that was

in there and now i can just eat it as basically soup sausage so good sausage bun soup i get home i'll tell you end of a long day at work and it's always a long day when we're going kevin's your boss you get home and you and yet you know, I get in the living room. I grab a cord of wood, split it myself, stack it up on the couch, some flint, some magnesium, a little bit of coconut husk. I get that thing started burning, man. And I just throw the sausage right in the middle of the fire

and usually at some point in the middle of it i go wait a second i gotta open the skylight because it gets smoky but i like smoked sausage i throw it in the fire then i'll then i'll throw the bun in then i'll you know i'll try to get a new log two logs and just log big log tongs just pinching and try to toss it try to throw it up and eat it you know but you you know the problem is some of these pieces of wood that are burning end up looking like sausage as well. I'm throwing those up into my mouth. It's a crazy

day, man. It's a crazy day. Feeding myself like a dang seal at the aquarium. Talk about eat sausage. The two of you. I'd like to first answer the thing who's this there's someone at the door as knows meet you to be honest yeah jahari okay beloved guest yeah she ran oh she's one of the in a blind rage when they list when the people who listen to the show list their favorite guests mitra is is always on there she's up there yeah yes but you are the guest today

mitra and clay clay gets mentioned yes but you guys are guessing today there's some which is great there's some of my favorite guests as well they're your guests right now wait can i answer the question about the podcast what can i can I answer the question about the podcast? What? Can I answer the question about the podcast? That never happened. Yeah, refresh my memory. Yeah. You asked earlier about the podcast, and I would like to answer with, I do like sausage.

Okay. He's been squiggling around in his chair for the last 10 minutes trying to get it in. You have been squiggling. You have so much energy today. That's scary. I know we joke around a lot and that's fun, but Clay loves sausage more than both of you.

Okay. I didn't say I loved it more than anyone. You implied it with how long you take to make the sausage. Clay will eat raw sausage. That's how much he loves that stuff. Well, there's a reason why I'm shaking and all that.

I had about, I ordered some Onnit pills. You guys order Onnit pills, right? Mm-hmm. I don't order them. I'm off it. I knock over the truck. The what? The Onnit truck?

Yeah, I see that Onnit truck. Yeah. Pull off to the side of the truck. The what? The Onnit truck? Yeah, I see that Onnit truck. Pull off to the side of the road. Grab a ski mask. Kevin, to sneak in your punchline between the trucks set up and the resolution of that set up.

It's very sneaky. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, man. You ever have somebody come over and just cut the grass? And you show up, you check the oil, you filled up the gas,

you get out there with your push mower and you go, son of a gun. there's no lawn mowing to be done kevin okay talk about the pill well i just i i ordered about a handful of them and i got more um I was expecting to get one little vial, but I got a whole mess of them. Instead of having them go to waste, I just had a good bit of them today. Okay. What is it?

ONNIT.com? What's that do? The Joe Rogan pill? It's nootropics. It's nootropics.'s nootropics it's it's a natural brain booster yeah keeps you functioning as an apex podcast predator top of the food chain yeah a little podcasting that makes a lot of sense that clay's been taking that because he's had some uh some problems lately yeah some real problems anger problems why do you say that which is crazy that

we're even in the same room right now play play one second i just i just want to see what he i just want to see what he's talking well let go of my shirt all right cool no speak up say something say right now say to my friend I just want to say that. Wait, don't say anything. Okay. No, let him speak. No, let him speak. He has a really big mouth. You might as well use it. Go ahead, speak.

Okay, Hayes or Sean, maybe you guys want to take the lead here. Okay. What's up? Anyone wants to talk? I'll say, and this comes, Clay, from a place of love. Okay. Wit told me. God damn it. Oh, with his pig mouth. Oh, I can't wait for this. This is going to be really good.

God damn it. That you've been having big anger problems and that he caught you Right. Kicking the trash can. Knocked out everywhere. So what? Everyone does that. No, Clay. You were kicking it.

Clay, number one, was kicking it because Clay likes going through the trash and this trash can didn't have any of the stuff he liked in it. Can I say something? Not a fish bones. Not a banana peel on the side. I said those are my fish bones.

Get the fuck out of here. And the cat runs off with his fish bones and Clay I say something? I said those are my fish bones. Kitty, get the fuck out of here. And the cat runs off with his fish bones and Clay starts kicking the can and I'm in the background and I'm saying, well, Clay, maybe there's going to be a banana peel hanging on the side of it. Can you shut up for two seconds? That's what I was talking about.

Go ahead. And he said, I don't even care anymore. I just want to kick the crap out of this fucking bitch. He said that. That's Clay saying that, not me saying that. Okay. And he goes, cranky.

He goes, cranky. You saw Top Cat. Yeah. Well, that's what I call him. He's a little sneaky little cat that comes into my little back alley for my fish scales. And I said, you can't get out of here. You can't be having my fish bones. And Clay gets mad.

And Clay's already mad. Sorry, Clay. Yeah. And I'm only saying this because I feel safe around Sean and the gang. Is that, and Kevin. Is that Clay gets mad at Top Cat because he can put the fish in his mouth full and then pull the fish out and it's just bones. And Clay can't

do that. And that creates a real steaming anger. What happens when Clay tries to do it? The fish hits his face. He gets slapped in the face. It doesn't even get into his mouth at all. Yeah, the fish basically bites him. He's just laying the fish against his cheek.

Yeah. uh-uh he just yeah the fish basically he's just laying the fish against his cheek yeah he get boy that's so far from the intended result you know is that you would get to eat the whole fish you get to eat none of it this way and in fact you get the stinky fish is just you know sort of on your in your beard and everything yeah and when really tough. Clay says, I haven't started yet. When it just connects with his basically closed mouth, he's like, I haven't even started yet. I haven't started. And then he acts like, well, if you're going to act like that, I'm not even going to do it.

But he clearly did try to do it. He's like, if you think I started, if you think that was me starting, then you honestly don't even deserve to see me do it, which I can do it if he's like if you think i started if you think that was me starting then you honestly don't even deserve to see me do it which i can do it but and then a couple times even as he's pulling it off he kind of is like well and sometimes snapping at it but just if you catch him and you say clay do that thing you do and i haven't seen you do it and he says i can do it i just don't feel like it right now but in reality he can't and that's why he gets so mad he feels so much like it because he got all geared up to do it guys do you mind and I this is

just um and Kevin maybe you can cut this back in I'd like to change the sound the word of what I say when I ejaculate so what I'm what's happening for me is and this is the swear word that i'll get in trouble for is and i'm getting closer and it's happening and i'm right at the moment and you just hear me go beavis and butthead beavis and butthead beavis and butthead that's i'll edit that back in yeah uh podcast you have podcast american arts and culture review yeah yeah yes hayes you've done it i've done it it's on the dog yeah forever dog sean i asked sean a lot of times to do it right when uh he had a child

yeah and he wasn't about to have another one let's try to schedule it now because i i think in the next couple weeks and so sean kept going this baby doesn't like when i do podcasts yeah and i'd say well i would love to do it you know i i get a real kick out of you guys i guess if clay calms down a little bit i'd be ready to go on the show because first it was i had you know big busy life child everything then when i started to get that under control clay started having these episodes apparently all around it's got really big well see the thing about our podcast is clay has extreme rage rage in his personal life but then we hang out with this guy named rod and rod is a real problem as far as being he's a criminal he's a full-blown criminal so next to the sexual

kind rod clay is a saint but then when me and Clay get alone together like we are right now, Clay wants to if he had a mallet, he would bonk me on the head with it and squish me flat to the ground. And I would go as I walked down the hallway. Yeah, big wide feet. With like a little manhole cover version of you

on top. If Clay could do that. Rod is a I just want to second second uh rod is a violent pervert yeah yes he's a if you bend over he's gonna sniff yeah so that sort of that fills up the space you know it's sort of like the size of the size of the container of your podcast is already full with like deviancy and then Clay has to adjust and by comparison I take my anger out on him

and it's justified Clay can very eloquently he can articulate his anger very well towards Rod I say you say that again it will break your neck yeah yeah his anger very well towards Rod. You say that again, it will break your neck. Yeah.

One punch. And so Rod is constantly walking on eggshells around us. Meanwhile, Clay doesn't know that I'm... What are the hits? What's up? What are the hits, Sean? The two hits.

What's that? It would be me hitting you and your head hitting the surface of the sun. What the hell? That's an uppercut. Big uppercut. Holy damn. Break throughercut. Holy damn.

Break through the atmosphere. Shoot. And you hear, you know, they say in space no one can hear you scream. I'll hear the scream. They will actually hear it. They'll hear this one. Damn.

Say hello to the comets for me. Do me a favor and say hello to the comets on your way to the surface of the sun. We love that. When I was a kid, I fantasized about my big punch fight, and I still do, and it would be that if you were to come at me, one of y'all.

Me? Whichever one is coming at me i would walk backwards and grab you by the shirt and i would backwards tumble kicking you over me and into a tree or something you know what i mean and you would fly upside down into the tree or whatever and you so you would i wonder how you would do that with no head i wonder how you would manage to do that when your head is melting on the surface of the sun yeah right this would be before that i guess which would send you into the wanting to punch me oh boy you really deserve what happens to you then yeah so that fight would be three hits you tumbling me me hitting you and your head hitting the surface of the sun

mhm yep I wouldn't even have time to say ouch nope mhm yeah okay Clay what's your big punch everybody's gonna do their big punch obviously go around the room and, what's your big punch?

Everybody's going to do their big punch, obviously. I've got to go around the room and I'll do our big punch. Your fantasy punch, the punch of your dreams. Oh, my punch of my dreams? Okay, so I guess my punch of my dream would be I'm in a school situation. Yep. And a guy stands up. He goes, I'm in a school situation, and a guy stands up. He goes, I'm school shooter.

And I stand up, and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. That's illegal. And then he goes, I don't care. I go, you don't care about the law? The law, that's the land. Without law, it's anarchy. And he goes, well, I think that's cool. And I go, you think that's cool? That's the land. Without law, it's anarchy. And he goes, well, I think that's cool.

And I go, you think that's cool? That's not cool, that's stupid. And he goes, you know what, you're right. That sounds really dumb and stupid. And then I pull out my gun. And I go, you just walked right into this one, you bastard. I said bastard a lot in high school. And I said, what he goes what i go i'm gonna shoot you you dumb bastard and then so i shoot him and then he dodges that he dodges that yeah okay and so he dodges that

and i'm out of bullets at this point yeah and i go what the heck? Where did he go? And then he comes behind me, and then he shoots me, and I survive. But it does. You don't dodge it. It does connect. It does. No, no, it does connect with the leg, and it doesn't feel good, and I'm on the ground. Yeah. And then Wit takes off his mask, and it's him.

I go, why would you do this to your best friend? And he goes, I'm just messing around. And I go, well, mess around with this. And then I pull out one of those grenades, and then I put it in his ass. And he blows up, but his skin doesn't burst. He just blows up like a balloon. And then he gets back to normal but smoke is coming out of um his nose his mouth and his ears and everyone in school was pointing at him and laughing and that pisses

me off yeah and what do you do so i then i go up to you and i take a uh uh one of those why did you want to shoot up the school before we go just tell me why you wanted to shoot up the school um that's i that's private okay sorry it's sad it sounds to me i don't want to speak for clay but it sounds like that wasn't even ever really his intention because he goes directly to you he's pretending to be someone else let's be honest let's he's he probably knows where you keep your gun and that you only have one bullet. You guys are best friends. Then he pulls off his mask afterwards and says he was joshing you. So it seems like his intention really was just to trick you into a situation where you could try to play the hero.

Actually, it was futile. He was never intending to do anything. Yeah, and you had it right all along. You had it right all along, which is that I'm kidding when I do that. But you did shoot me in the leg. But I was kidding. Okay. What was your mask?

That's also for saying that anarchy isn't cool. At that point, he does have a duty as a total badass to defend anarchy. Was it the mask? Yeah, was it like you're sitting in class wearing like a... No, no. Go into great detail what the mask was. Who was it like you're sitting in class wearing like a... No, no, go into great detail what the mask was. Who was it? I don't have all day. You know how the Halloween guy, that's William Shatner?

That's his face painted white? I had that same style of mask, but it's Jason Momoa. Yeah. So that's what I was wearing in high school. Why does Jason want to shoot up the school? What the hell? And everybody goes, Jason, I thought he had a machete. And you said, oh, Momoa, Jason Momoa.

And I was just kidding around. I was messing around. And I only shot you in the leg because i i knew that you were cool yeah i thought you were cool you're chill and i thought you were messing around which is why i shot you in the leg until you put the grenade in my butt yes yeah and that honestly i have like a lot of damage to my insides because i put a grenade in your ass and it went off and what do you expect? Well, I have some serious problems. I can't eat a lot of different

food now because of that. Because of the grenade in the ass? Yeah, some food goes right through me now. Like what? Name them. What's one food that you can't eat? Name a food you can't eat and for symmetry, name a food that you can. I can't eat Gatorade.

And I've been trying for years. It just falls out. So you can only do the gum now? Right. Again, I'm exclusive to quench gum, Gatorade gum. I can only get my gums from Foot Locker. And I've been trying for years to make my own gatorade at home and i just can't get the taste right um but you know which is so weird because your home is

the university of florida science lab yeah because yeah that's where i went to school and now i live there and now you live in the university of florida science lab where they have like well you went there it's really easy to make gatorade there yeah well i'm trying yeah and i'm trying to do my own batch of gatorade i've been trying for okay and you originally went there because you're a blown up ass i went there to be studied yeah and that's what got me into school and i eventually they're like we got to find a way some reason to admit this guy as a student because we gotta keep this guy's ass to study that ass yeah yeah they need to see it and i can i talk about this a little bit

sure wit because you you know you're at the university of florida science lab you're trying to make your own batch of gatorade you're not able to do it and do we think maybe this has something to do with you never ask for help exactly well it could be you know and that's something i'm talking there's nothing wrong it's not weak to say i need help i can't get my gatorade batch right i think that makes you more of a man to ask for help to say i don't know how to make the gatorade bat maybe i'm more of a man but it's fine to do to say i can't make this gatorade i need help with my flavor ratios. Well, and who am I supposed to ask, though? That's the thing.

For starters, how about Hayes? Hayes, you know about this? Just ask me. Yeah, I'm whipping up a big-ass batch. Right over there. Do you know how stupid I feel to be a second-year senior

right now? Yeah. At Florida University of Florida? Yes. Yeah. I don't want to be the 23-year-old second-year senior asking people around the campus for homegrown Gatorade help. It's a tough thing for you, too,

because we all, as we're whipping up these huge tanks of Gatorade, we're also drinking so much Gatorade at the same time. And it's staying in, and it's not coming out our ass. Yes, exactly, and it's staying in. So that is helping us. That's replenishing us. That's keeping our electrolytes. us that's replenishing us yeah that's like keeping our like electrolytes and whereas like you are so tired so pissed all the time we're laughing like we're never ever mad like so it makes i can only drink so be like i've only drank as if i'm trying to get my electrolytes

like i've only drank as if i'm trying to get my electrolytes after a workout uh i can only drink sobi yeah the pina colada one just that because that one's a little thicker so you couldn't even have the great power sobi with the creatine in it no or the place silly strawberry what's going on clay you're home brewing fruitopia is that right yeah that is true yeah okay uh what's your rig like my rig yeah talk about your uh what are we working with gear gear wise my gear okay cool i have out on this stuff i have a big wood barrel you know about big wood barrel a cask old school a cat that and he inherited this from his grandfather so there's my grandfather was homeless yeah oh and he would he would wear this with uh some suspenders yeah yeah so i said i can put that into some he gave it to you no he did and so then he was buried so he was buried nude is what you're no no no no no no he

said this is all i have and at this point i was thinking about my fruitopia at home i know i can and i go he goes this is my only possession i have is this barrel and these suspenders i go not anymore not after my fruitopia so he's alive and nude yes right now He's alive and he's naked right now. Okay. Yeah. But I get to make Frictopia, so it's about, living life is about sacrifice. Sacrificing your

own clothes. For future generations as well, you know. Exactly. Yeah. Doesn't it all, because the barrel has no bottom. Yeah, well, I haven't made a successful batch yet, because it keeps on falling out, and the suspenders gets in there, and I have to

pull that out, so I have to make a new batch. There's one patch of his carpet that is really fruity and delicious. It's a circular patch where he puts all the fruit and the liquid in there to mix it around, but you know, obviously there's no bottom so it

just soaks into the carpet smells really good smells really good it's we have i have i have great i have people come over stuff step on the fruits the grape lady came the grape lady came that's where she got her start actually wow she started out at the um same with apparently kid yeah and i apparently kid got his start there kid a lot of people don't know that yeah i like turtles was there yeah yeah that was the first kind of like that was like ellen before ellen basically where like people would come on and like get their break there yeah you have the ellen show and and before the Ellen show it's the Clay's Fruitopia step on fruit. Damn Daniel started at your Fruitopia

because he had the white bands and the guy said damn Daniel don't go near those fruits. That's interesting. Kind of settles the debate we were having about which one of them is damn Daniel. So you think damn Daniel is the white vans guy

which i do too i think the damn daniel is the one who's uh whose name is daniel and has the white vans yeah yeah and i believe the terminology was the damn daniel kid yeah no it was who is damn daniel so what you believe is wrong so wait are y'all in a fight your beliefs are wrong no it's actually been resolved so okay yeah so actually we aren't that's uh the fight is over and it is uh we we have our answer and damn daniel is is the one with the white dance. Creator of the phrase, damn Daniel. So it seems like it's not resolved. It seems like Sean. It certainly doesn't seem that way to me.

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Hey, guys. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills you can see all your subscriptions in one place and if i see something i don't want i can cancel it with a tap i never have to get on the phone with customer service the subscriptions are insidious they're the scourge of our modern life and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i found out how much it was costing yes that they

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Podcast. It's about jazz. Yeah. It's about movies and films. It's about jazz. It's about movies and films. What have we been digging into recently on the show? Old.

Remember the movie Old? We also did. We did Old at a theater in New York, packed theater. Okay. We did that. We did White Lotus. Which you call Brown Lotus. Which I call Brown Lotus. You'll see why in the last episode.

Oh, yes. Yes. I haven't seen it yet. We did Space Jam. We did Space Jam Legacy. A new Legacy. A new Legacy. It should have been called space jam

uh cool it with the gradient orange and purple color scheme i don't know well no that is yeah you can't we're doing that uh we're doing that really soon on a different show and i was actually gonna say that already on the show oh sorry what so yeah i was actually already gonna say that so if you hear me say it now i was actually already gonna say that so if you hear me say it now i was actually already gonna do that and i think you know that i was gonna say it sorry and i and everybody knows that i was gonna say it sorry it's always my best jokes that other people already had the idea for yeah that's just the truth of it. That's just the reality. But mostly, like, right now, our podcast is really diving into, you know, just dynamics between friendships, close friendships. Me and Clay, we obviously have our issues that are distracted by our friend Rod, who's a full-blown criminal.

And will be incarcerated at any moment. But other than that, we just shoot the shit like you two boys you know it's fairly similar to be honest we could be all those little uh little brothers in a way a little the little brother podcast uh i am hearing that the attorney general is building a case around rod uh and is actually working on building a jail around him as well. Good. Well, that's what we all need. Thank God. See, I always think if Rod went to prison, he would finally be happy because he would be able to be safe.

He would know people are safe. Yeah. That's what he wants? Yeah. He just wants people to be safe. Yeah. Okay. Have y'all been going to a lot of movies

yeah dude cool oh yeah hella movies dude you'll find me at the cinema yes cool and when i'm in there man two rows you get two rows i use two rows i put my legs over the back of one seat and i put my head on another seat and then i hold up a mirror to see the screen my friend comes he first he tries to sit right right next to me i'm like okay that's kind of weird heard of a buffer seat have you heard of a buffer dog he moves one seat over he moves one seat over but i'm already kind of there i'm already like stretched out into that seat as well oh yeah and like flopped over into the next row. And this is a theater where we have dinner as well. Oh, yeah. So I'm lying in multiple dinners.

Mm-hmm. Because I ordered for him. Mm-hmm. Well, there's nothing better than when your bud... You have. There's nothing worse than when your bud, who you order for, tries to sit by you. Exactly.

That's a pain, man. You got gotta get that guy a couple seats away uh well then and then he gets to bellyaching about what he would have wanted didn't even get to see the menu he'll have the turkey please would you like to wait for your entire party no we're ready to order now he'll have the turkey with peas. So, you talk about music. Are the peas round today? Can you ask the chef if the peas are round? That's okay. Just cut them in half.

Sorry. that's okay just cut them in half sorry what happened I just was laughing is that how you laugh yeah you know when you're laughing that's how you laugh that's your laugh it's my post wind down laugh because of how funny y'all are acting.

That's kind of cute. Yeah, I'm cute. Sometimes I can be. Hazel, what you're saying about music? Oh, yeah, sorry. Wait, do that little cute noise again? Do it again. Aww. Aw.

Aw. Aw. Clay, do you have a cute noise? Hello. Aw. Hello, gang. Yeah, that's little. Aw.

It's fun to be cute. Guys, let's be cute. Come on, Sean. Let's be cute. Okay, i'm trying to think of one here's hang on i've been trying to think of one this whole time hayes has one he just raised his hand he's got he's got one locked and loaded yeah i can well i can be cute i'll let sean be cute first but i can be cute too well well hayes why don't you be cute because i'm still thinking of one

okay tasty that's good that was really cute honestly I don't think it was a good idea that you went first because now you're sitting in a high bar I'm sure you're going to fly right over it tasty now you're sitting in a high bar. I'm sure you're going to fly right over it. Tasty.

That's Tasty Boy, right? Yes. Oh, yeah. We got to name our cute guys. Mine's Aw. Yeah. Mine's Aw guy. And that's Tasty Boy.

Who's yours, Clay? My name's Tiny because I'm small. Yeah. And who's Sean? What's up? Thank you, kitty cat. Okay. Okay.

Who's that? All right. His name is Demon Man. That's not cute. Can I hear yours again? Tasty. That's not cute. Hey, is it yours again? Can I hear yours again? Mmm, tasty. That's tasty boy. I like tasty boy.

What about Kevin? Kevin, you be cute now. It's time for bed. That sounds like dad. Yeah, that sounds like dad. Cute dad. Dad's telling me it's time for bed. No, that sounds like... that cute dad tell me it's time for bed no that sounds like no dad's not cute time for bed kids that's grandpa that's baby that's grandpa babysitter baby grandpa no i have cute

wait i have a baby grandpa means I have a new cute. That's not what baby grandpa means. I have a new cute. Hello? That's little, that's baby answer's phone. Yeah. Okay. It sounds a little like tiny. Yeah. It sounds a little like tiny. No, this is different. This is different. Hello?

Let me try a new one. Let me try a new one. Let me try a new one. Hang on. Hang on. I've almost got it. It's fun to play. Okay. That's really cute.

Yeah. Kevin, do you want to try again? It's time for school no that's daddy that's a dad a single dad that's hopeful dad come on or maybe that's like kitty cat like maybe that's sean's friend kitty cat who's like helping him yeah yeah wake up and get ready for school and stuff kitty cat. That's nice, but what you did is not cute. It's fun to play.

Let me try something that's different than Tiny because I feel self-conscious. Clay, will you do Tiny just so I can remember how not to be Tiny? Hello, everyone. My name is Tiny because I'm one foot tall and my favorite TV show is Blue Bloods. All right, now do yours.

Okay, this is different, though. Just off the top of my head. Well, I just think that the best stuff... Wait, can I talk to you real quick? What? Wait. Guys, can you mute whatever thing that you can do just so I can have a private conversation with Whit? No.

Can I say something real quick, Whit? They're not listening, so I can be. Okay, well, they're looking right at us. Okay, so that's why I'm not going to physically hurt you, okay? Okay. What's going on? You know, how, can you do your voice again oh i was just you know that kind of sounds like what sounds like a smaller tiny well maybe it's tiny i don't know

clay we grew up in the same hometown so we have similar voices like we knew the same kids so like all the comedy stuff that we do is con comes from the same place right but do you understand how if someone tinier than tiny would be cuter do you understand i'm trying also to be cute if i would have had a chance to do a no you're trying to be cuter i was no i was doing a noise that's how this started where i just do my laugh and then i do a wind down noise then you come in and now you're saying words you're about to do a whole new noise if what's that you're your new noise is going to be how my head is this blood well you you've said that you weren't going to do anything and i feel safe with haze and sean watching even though we're muted but let me go back to my point yeah you come in and you change the rules which is that you can say words and you say hello you

do your voice if i would have known that i could do a voice i would have done it and then you need a lawyer voice and then when you talk to me I could do a voice, I would have done it and then that same thing. Everybody would think you're a copy. Everybody would think that you're a copy. I have a new cute voice idea. Okay, I'm ready. Hugging is a very nice way to get squeezed.

Who's that? That's the Blood Lord. What? I like... Okay. So he would like Wit's new character. Yeah.

The Blood Lord is... He's Sergeant Bones' nephew. Gotcha. And Sergeant Bones says, Love the taste of bones. Kevin, do you want to try one more time? Happy birthday, sport.

That's sweet. Why are you my dad? Kev. My man. Thank you. That's daddy, dude. that's daddy dude that's daddy that's kitty no that that's not kitty daddy i hate to say it but dude that's daddy dude that is daddy that's not daddy dude dude dude it's daddy dude dude and by the way daddy dude the way, just so y'all's listeners know, we're not down with that cute shit.

In reality, we're badass dudes. And this is how I normally talk, and I only talk the way that I was because of for comedy purposes. That's why it's so funny that I would ever be cute. I hate that shit. I hate cute shit. The joke is us being

cute when we're actually the opposite which is rugged yes my dude i'm so raw and badass that's facts that's facts that's big facts i love shit that is rusty and and hard and metal and chains and is sharp and is hurting on my arm. That is salty. My arm is so hurt. Why can't they

make the new movies as the style of the old way of movies? Exactly. If it looked like the old movies, it looked awesome, dude. People got hurt as much and now it's Harry Potter why wasn't Harry Potter James

Khan exactly exactly buddy yes Harry Potter he walks in what is this shit exactly yeah what is this shit? Exactly.

Yeah. What is this, tricks? Hey, Voldemort. Who the fuck is Voldemort? Get the fucking fuck out of here, Voldemort, with that fucking shit. All the fellas stand up and clap. Ron Weasley should have been Tom fucking Berenger, dog. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Hermione should have been Joe Pesci. Yes. Which would go something like this. Clay, you got the impression. Take it away. Hello, everyone. I love.

Well, Joe Pesci would have been doing a cute character. Hello, everyone. My name's Joe Pesci. Yeah. Really good. I love candy. I love shopping for shoes and CBS All Access. He's Southern, too.

Yes. Sounds kind of exactly like your mom. Yeah, it's Paramount Plus now. Hey, Joe Pesci, it's Paramount Plus now. What? It's Paramount Plus now. There is no CBS All Access. That got folded into Paramount plus clay you're

i mean you're on hollywood handbook you lie do your research oh joe pesci lied to us where does he watch blue bloods get him a fucking snake paramount watches a paramount plus what's what is this clay paramount my guy. You don't even know? You got a Roku? I've been trying to get Clay to have Apple TV for years. Yeah. I'm a Roku man. I love this stuff.

It comes with a TV. Yeah, I'm a damn Roku family over here. Although, I'll tell you, of late, there's been some issues. What's up? Talk about it. We love this. I don't know if I should get into it again, you know? Okay.

Okay. Clay probably gets what I'm talking about. Exactly. The whole entire idea, you know, of the Roku initially was there's no conflicts because they don't make any original content. There was no Roku channel at first. It was just a device. So you didn't have this.

Jeff Bezos is pissing off whoever's running Apple these days. Tim Apple. And so it's so that hamburgers remember. Right. hamburgers remember right so tim apple uh won't have amazon prime so i can't watch bosh on my apple tv but then if i get my roku i can watch bosh and ted lasso you know ideally but not anymore they took apple off they're fighting with them now they can't hbo max goes away i can't get that for three months so then i'm missing all these great shows i didn't get to watch the undoing yeah i mean that's fucked up i'm telling you man roku really i was very sore at

them it's like the whole point of roku was they didn't have these conflicts but they want to be in the content game and who's watching a roku show i mean i'd be happy to have one on there i'd sell some of the roku channel tomorrow what do you want you gotta know what they're in the market for a bunch of little league dads is that what they want it's little league dads show all the dads they're friends because the kids play little league they're into the sport you know that's the backdrop but then it's just a friend it's just a buddy show hanging out maybe there's one mom you know i wouldn't mind seeing that maybe it's all moms you know i'm flexible on it it's whatever you guys are interested in

you've if you know someone at the roku channel clay it sounds like you've got a good relationship i got it i get some hookups i guess it's whatever you want you know if they're sniffing around for a little you know literally sniffing stuff and or any idea they have they want to make the app next door into a tv show that you know i know that was something that people wanted at one point yeah but it had to be positive it couldn't be any negative posts that reflect what next door is it had to be communities coming together uh so that you know to get you gotta get those damn bmx bikers to stop riding around in your cul-de-sac exactly they're jumping over at my trash yeah you can't park here. What are you doing? You can't park that BMX here. Park that BMX

on this. Harry Potter's girlfriend, Cho Chang, should have been Sam Elliot. Exactly. That would go a little something like Queen Wah. Thanks.

Doctors got me eating Queen Wah thinks doctors got me eating Queen Wah damn hell that's her famous line Harry the damn doctor Voldemort's making me eat Queen Wah for my heart condition so that's Sam Elliott as for my heart condition.

So that's Sam Elliott as Harry Potter's girlfriend. We love that. That's really cool. Yeah. Who are the other characters? Oh, you know. Whistling. Whistling. Whistling Jim.

Dobby the house elf could have been Oh, you know, Whistling Jim. Mm-hmm. Dobby the house elf could have been Tom Selleck. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. All the Sellers. Tom Skerritt. All the Toms could have been in it.

We got Barringer, Skerritt, and Selleck. Miss McGonagall could have been. Who? Miss McGonagall. She could have been uh who miss mcgonigal is she could have been yeah miss mcgonigal that's bobby duvall yeah that's that has to be to be robert would he would make such a meal out of that role be unforgettable oh my god yeah so good. Can we fit a snarky smartass in this mix? Oh. Who are you looking at? Who, like? Who you got in mind?

Hmm, let me think. Who's the best snarky smartass? I mean, you got Paul Reiser. Oh, he would be a really good snarky smartass. Paul Reiser as Snape? He go, yeah, the thing is, I don't know, Harry Potter's a little bit too strong for me. The nice man.

Oh, Harry Potter's too strong for me to fight with. So I gotta bow out. Oh, ticker of talker. Yeah. Yep. That's so good. And the thing is, people would be scared, talker. Ticker. Yeah. Yep. That's so good. And the thing is, people would be scared, and they'd be laughing. Exactly.

Which we love. Draco Malfoy, right? Oh, and he's extra baddie, so he would be played by Al Pacino. Exactly. And his agent now. Oh, ah. Oh. Oh, ah.

Harry. And Harry is, who's Harry played by again James Caan and so he goes I hurt my fucking shoulder playing rickety or whatever you and me.

The only thing bad about this movie is... Mano a mano, I'm the Quidditch broom. No, I'm the Quidditch guy. I'm going to catch all this stuff as soon as my shoulder heals and my wife gets mad at me one last time. I think the worst part about this movie is it's going to be hard to watch

because of all the fellas hooting and hollering in front of you. You're going to have to see it two or three times. That's is it's going to be hard to watch because of all the fellas hooting and hollering in front of you. Yep. You're going to have to see it two or three times. That's why it's going to make their money back. Fellas, sit the hell down. I'm trying to watch my movie, Harry Potter. Well, you're immediately going to go mid-movie, get another ticket for the next showing.

Yeah. And it repeats itself. And, Clay, this is called a monopoly. Exactly. That's what a monopoly is. Yeah. When you try to get the next movie because there's too many fellas hooting and hollering.

And then the next movie, there's even more fellas. Yeah. And that's a monopoly. Exactly. Yeah. And that's why we don't like J.K. Rowling, right? Hey, he's just so angry right now. He's just shaking his head.

Well, I think he went off to try to get some people. He knows these money-funding people. He's going to try to get some of the Marvel people to give him some cash to make this Harry Potter. Harry Potter's Marvel? Yeah, he's Marvel. Yeah. What's he? One of the fourth tier avengers and but they kind of screwed the goose because they made the harry

potter movies earlier so they're in this crazy deal battle got a retcon everything yeah they're waiting for a new harry uh potter uh to be written by those executives henry those are who write the movies right exactly yeah yeah hardcore henry potter yeah hardcore henry potter yeah yeah so it'll be shot like a first person shooter video it's all gopros yeah which everybody loves that. That's been successful. That's like one style of movie that always is a hit. And so it's good they keep doing it. Yeah. Because it's going to make its money back.

Just put a GoPro on someone's head and just film it for an hour and a half. And then you're going to make some money, honey. Yes. Throw them around. Toss a guy the GoPro around. I'd watch that. Put a guy, guy goes, why is this GoPro in my head? and then you toss him around and he goes i know what this is yeah this is box office gold sorry i wasn't listening no okay i was thinking about where hayes might be i miss him

so much sometimes when he's gone he's probably getting a sip of that Gatorade. Yeah. And his Florida home. Have y'all talked about how Clay lives on the bayou in Florida? Oh, Clay, that's where you're living? Yeah, that's where I live now. In the Everglades? Yeah.

Sorry, the bayou's probably not the Everglades. Those are two different things. It's the bayou Everglades. so there's gators there's flamingos porpoises you say what to me what was the last one we're talking about how clay lives on the bayou in um florida yeah you guys are still here yeah yeah where'd you go like i was bored as shit dude yeah why did you come back he's wearing is wearing a tuxedo right now by the way he came back and this is so crazy like i tried to come back i was like i should go back yeah i tried to go back and then kevin sent this email with the link and it said, click the link. But it wasn't the link.

It was just, it was, it just said, click the link is just the word. Click the link. Wait, did you click it? I, it wasn't the link. Right. Oh, just the words. I couldn't the link. Right. Oh. Just the words. I couldn't click it.

So that is that. But Kevin is over here twisting his little knuckles in his hand as if it's part of his big plan to make you look like a fool. Yeah. I think you're getting gaslit, my man. Yeah. Is Kevin still daddy? I was thinking about maybe like FBI Kitty. We've got the place

surrounded. I think that's better. It's better than daddy. Kitty is better than daddy. I don't know, but it's like a... Clay loves anything involving cops or the FBI. Yeah. Sounds like spy kids, daddy. I've got a new cute thing. I think it's new.

Okay. Okay. Great. I don't feel like I want to do it anymore. Never mind. No, we're supportive. Yeah, go for it. Hayes and Sean haven't really even blinked since I said it. Hey, I want to hear it.

I'm wondering if I've got any more in the tank. Okay, so this one is different for sure than Clay's. Let's hear it. Yeah. What's that over there? What's that over there, mate?

I think that I would like a little bit of that if I could have some. Australian Clay's? You're so far away. Come closer, little boy. Little boy, I can like a little bit of that if I could have some. Australian clays? You're so far away. Come closer, little boy. Little boy, I can't hear you. We can't hear you.

What's that over there? Maybe I could have a bit of that if it's okay, if there's enough left for me. A bit British, isn't it? I found an Australian from the back of the car. I don't know. Maybe I could have a bit of that if that's okay. I'd like just a little bit of that, please. Please, mister. It's Oliver McTwist. do your character oliver mc twist excuse me sir i was wondering if i could have a bite of that

and then i could go do a nose ground down the hibble hubble edge if that's all right sir i'm a bit hungry and if i get enough food then maybe i'll be able to frontside flip Hollywood High 16. He's a skateboarder too? It's Oliver McTwist. It's Oliver McTwist. Come on, Clay. I'm so sorry. I was just thinking it just sounded like tiny,

and that made me go into a big rage. Oh, that's wonderful, mate. If maybe I could have a bit more pudding, then maybe I'd be able to stick the Frontside 360 off the four block. Okay, that's very similar to the last thing you said. You know, there's not a lot. Similar to Tiny and similar to the last thing.

How is that like Tiny? It's Tiny, but that is British. It is a bit British, isn't it? Ugh. I'm... I hate myself. do you did you have a new acute thing i don't think so i i mean i could do one but i just don't think it's gonna fly this is pretty cute what you're doing now yeah it's bashful yeah i could give it a shot but i don't know if it's cute at all. It's really just in my head right now.

Okay, hang on. I like the smell of potato chips. Oh, I love this cute guy because he's older than the other guys, but he's still cute. And he loves the potato chips. Wow. That's the way they smell. The smell, yeah. Why can't he eat them?

He's in jail. For what? Fire stuff. Oh, arson. He doesn't like that word. Oh, I'm sorry. Gotcha. Really good.

Really, really good. I don't know. It's fine fine but this sean is cute too so oh thank that's nice uh you know i think i'm gonna take off yeah me too i'm probably gonna split it was so awesome seeing you guys and hey let's get and why don't i do your show okay would love that yeah let me know you know and we'll schedule. It'll be a long process, but I think it could be fun. Yeah, for sure. Okay, sounds good.

I would do it again, too. I think I did good enough to be ass-back after, like, four years. Yeah. Oh, we'd love that. I think I'd look cool in the picture, too. Well, that's what it's all about. Yeah. And I haven't even face-fil face filtered you so i haven't even

done any funny face stuff to you so either of you i feel like i did it to sean's child okay good okay nice i sent it to you he didn't respond is that right yeah what you don't do is uh give a newborn child some teeth and a beard and just send it to people without telling anything. People don't love it all the time. Well, you know, I'm sorry if I didn't respond. I should have at least said, hey, don't do this. Bye.

Hollywood Handbook. This week on the Patreon, Carl and Nassan bring back another edition of What's the Scenario? The boys call Amazon's customer service. Shonk and Bang released the trailer for season three of Hollywood Masterclass. And the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes, including today's with Witt and Clay, at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones.