Hollywood Handbook - Mark Rennie and John Flynn, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

MARK RENNIE and JOHN FLYNN from the Two Old Queens podcast help The Boys with their big audition.We looked at: Their merch Our merch This commercial See Hollywood Handbook LIVE at Dynasty Typewriter in LA Feb 15th and March 29th at 7:30 pm PT!Can't make it to the show? Livestream tickets are available too!Feb 15 - Tickets Available HereMarch 29 -  Tickets Available HereSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. See Hollywood Handbook live in Los Angeles next Wednesday, February 15th at the Dynasty Typewriter. Tickets for the show and for the live stream, if you can't make it, are available in the episode description. Enjoy the show. Sometimes I realize that the way that I'm going to find out that i have died will just be that i'm not hearing the theme song kevin will say here comes the theme song and that's nothing what do you theme song and it'll be just white noise just yeah what does yours say mark and john what does your song say your theme song what does it say here comes hayes and sean no that's what your theme song your song

oh my god i didn't expect that one is mark and john's the other we're just friends we are not lovers i'm sorry two old queens two old queens we sort of wanted to go though like the brady bunch gilligan's island route of like no matter it says what the show times yeah yeah it's like right there this provides a little context and who's recording that that bad bird who'd you bring in to lay that track down for our friend danny cohen danny cohen i knew i knew it'd be somebody good. With the bass. A lot of synth. That bright bass, yep. Danny did every piece?

Did he farm some of it out? No, all Danny. As far as we know, he might have used an app or something. He's a regular Daniel Johnston. We should have Danny on here. Yeah, why is it Danny? Sounds like he can call for you right now? It's just we're here talking to you two,

and then we kind of wanted to talk about your song. It seems like everything we ask, it's like, well, that's really Danny. Kind of a Danny question. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm just wondering if something got fucked up, basically. We could see if we could reach him. Maybe he can join the Zoom.

I mean, in the email, you never said like, hey, we love the theme song. We'd love to talk about the theme song. Oh my God. So it's like I have to say the whole show in the email. This could have been an email. We do our whole show in our theme song. It's sort of that.

And apparently you've never heard it since you had to ask us what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've heard such good things about it. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. The buzz is pretty deafening.

My feeling, the tension I'm feeling with Danny is that Danny picks up. I'm no longer interested. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so if you if you call Danny and like and he doesn't pick up, then I don't have him on the show. But I like I want him to be on the show that much. But I'm obsessed yeah exactly at that point danny has become the only thing that matters about your white whale yeah the second he answers the phone right the magic's done he's filth yeah forget it we'll

just talk to these guys so that is what your theme song says. It says what the show is. The show is Two Old Queens. Yeah. It's about two friends. And it's about movies. Yeah, pretty much. It's true. How's it going?

Revolutionary concept. Yeah. You love movies? Two Old Queens love movies? We do. We do. And we think about how gay they are is the main prism we do actually love movies

are you not a movie person? not all of them some of them are okay there's some good ones but as far as mediums what do you think is like if you had to be like oh this is the movie Knives Out

what's the gayest movie you think you've ever seen probably knives out sure pretty gay we love a who done it we love a mystery yeah none of these have any connection to like my life none of them are about like me doing a podcast with mark and john no connection to like my experience at all so you basically want wake me up when they tell me you want like a doc you so you like documentaries is that ideally one about something like before it happens to me so i so i can so then i can go into the scenario being like okay i drew lessons from this movie about like doing a podcast that in your back back there was part of the movie that i liked i'll do that part again there was part of the movie that felt like it wasn't going well i'm gonna know what to avoid do another pass

on that part now i you know i'm going into this podcast armed with the ability to solve a cajun mystery of some kind where it was not that hard to solve or like it was both like too hard and too easy you know what i mean like the mystery was not like it's not wasn't like a puzzle that i could like figure out during the movie it was just like there were a couple little clues that didn't actually lead to anything and ultimately they were just like it was that guy that's the guy who did it and i was like okay my feeling like but who did who did the other murder oh he did too he did that too okay uh we spent so much time off mike training kevin to throw up whenever he lies yes yes but the result has been that he throws up just a lot more,

and I don't know that it's always related to whether he's lying or telling the truth, but I know it will be crucial at some point that if we can develop that trait in him, that then we can use that to sort of snuff out the killer. Snuff out, that's not right. Sniff out?

Snuff out, I think. We will be snuffing them out immediately i'll fuck their ass out once i know who they are kevin throws up on them we will be administering sauce out is maybe maybe sus was the word you were looking for could be good yeah this is another fun one sauce and the old sauce and snuff sus first snuff second administering justice by death so Hollywood Handbook is pro death penalty if we get to do it yes we don't think that the government should be in charge of it

the state doing it is very offensive to me I should get to do it it's disgusting because there's no checks and balances there I have no idea what the criteria is they're basing it on but when i am implementing the death penalty i am quite sure that it is sure sure you know what you are thinking and that it's humane the way that i do it is so tender oh okay keep going's just, it's honestly, it's a big hug around the neck with piano wire. That does not sound very gentle to me. It takes forever because of how gentle I'm being.

How would you do it then? Yeah. How are you? How does two old Queens, you guys are still experts about killing. You know how you can get your dog put down by the vet the vet will come to the house now yeah kind of like that we'll do it in a living room in front of a fireplace that's really nice you can choose the music yeah maybe some towel on their lap shot a maybe would be nice oh that's a smooth groove yeah diamond life great album sean comes over and he garrote you at home yeah

with like a three inch thing of piano wire maybe not enough more like terry cloth like a like part of a robe so it smells familiar you know garrote your garrote your pants yeah i get a i get the tie i get the belt from like a Pendleton robe. Perfect. It's very plush. And I wrap it around you. I pick out a song. What's the gayest movie so far? Female Trouble.

Female Trouble. John Waters. John Waters. Female Trouble. Second. Hedwig. Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Okay.

John Cameron Mitchell. Okay. That check out. John Cameron Mitchell. 11. 11th? I can tell you. I have a spreadsheet open, a tab right now. 11th is Death Becomes Her. Sure.

Yeah. That's a good one. How many total? We are up to around 184 184 what's the least gay movie that you've watched so far uh we just did this over the it's double holiday an awful hallmark christmas slash hanukkah movie that's mostly a christmas movie barely hanukkah it's rude it's very straight and very anti-semitic oh no can you imagine yeah that sounds like our show so no it does not i'm what i'm bantering haze what's 141 uh interesting you should ask 141?

Interesting you should ask. 141 is Air Bud. Air Bud is 141. That seems exactly right. It's not the least gay. No, no, no. And Air Bud's got Michael Jeter. Not even really close. Yes, that's right.

Not at all. Michael Jeter, weirdly, this was very bizarre casting. Michael Jeter, weirdly, this was very bizarre casting. Michael Jeter is the player that Air Bud replaces on the team. On the children's heist. Yeah. And he's like, what's a dog doing? Like, how dare a dog replace me on this team?

And everyone's like, well, you really shouldn't be here either. You're a pedophile, sir. Sir. Yeah, then the ref ref goes ain't no rules as a pedophile can't play basketball well airbud was a sequel to airped which was the origin story oh no that was about it's heartwarming i think there are rules about that. Yeah, well, that's what we find out. Then the referee gets arrested. I've got a bad feeling about this at the air. The Budiverse.

Guests. You've got them. So do we. Okay, it's not a competition. It's mostly like these talky guests, not these guests that do movie stuff. We struggle with this as well. You get people who comment

on the things and not do the things. That's what we're finding is a lot of who we can access. As they go, we'll continue commenting on it and we go, but what about the people that are actually doing it? They have a skin in the game we'll continue commenting on it. And we go, but what about the people that are actually doing it? Yeah, actually have a skin in the game. They're busy doing it.

Are they? Isn't that the truth? Some of them. Someone's got to be doing something. There's too much TV. There's too much content. Someone's got to be doing it. Even with COVID, John?

Especially with COVID. We missed our window. We missed our window. Yeah. It feels like we could have gotten some really big celebs during covid and we were just not focusing our energy in the right directions yeah what was rita moreno doing in 2020 nothing she was getting ready for 80 for brady for two years she had to prepare yes she's 80 she can't just jump into it. The pandemic is officially over,

and Rita Moreno has this ready-made movie that is just good to go, just out of the gates before anyone else. She was obviously violating many public health codes to make 80 for Brady throughout the three years of the pandemic. What a coincidence. brady retires just as you do for brady to do pr for the movie yeah to do the press tour just in time i wonder who's pulling those strings it's it's interesting that we talk about 80 for brady hayes and i are actually hosting a very special screening of 80

for brady at the new beverly and we're going to be introducing it with like some funny banter and sort of stories about what the movie means to us and ideally we would like to get noticed by quentin tarantino and you know casted some of his projects from the way that we introduced the movie at the theater we thought well these guys know movies sure yeah yeah that's maybe you could help us that's how you get plucked yeah sort of without seeming too desperate let QT know hey we're available we're QT's as well and we would and we would really like to

be in some movies well I would say do the presentation with your shoes and socks off I was going to say what are you wearing for life directing chairs wiggy little piggies can I just say, and this is,

I didn't think I was going to have to come in here and defend Quentin Tarantino. It's not like any foot. It's not like all feet that he's just like, it's not an any foot will do situation, you know, like yes, ours are in competition. Absolutely. i would have to walk through

or something first but yes yes i would say talk to find out who brad pitt's foot guy is yes and go to them you know what i mean like get get the the the pedicure from him find out what it is you know what's the polish brad used when he was doing uh you know what i mean like get get the the the pedicure from him find out what it is you know what's the polish brad used when he was doing uh you know once upon a time in hollywood french tips on the on the piggies right a little french come on yeah oh well so that's two different i mean there's like the like the pedicure guy but like the foot guy is the guy that like got him his like his feet like who right where he bought his feet at hit like his supplier for like you know you need a foot guy yeah it's it's funny how this industry changed when i moved here you didn't necessarily have

to have a foot guy to get ahead yes and just watching the way that it's become you know not only encouraged but really required to have a really good foot guy who can provide you with feet uh it's it's it's different i'm not necessarily saying it's bad um but it's it's not what i expected ryan reynolds has on his farm has i believe 12 preteens always ready to go they're all they're hanging upside down always in recliners so their feet never get worked so they are pristine and he swaps out his feet every nine months and look what it did aviator gin yeah well they say what kind of farm is it you know because there's no crops and it is a foot farm it's a foot farm you're tom cruise you need to stand next to katie holmes that events and things like that it's been a while but yeah

reynolds you get an extra set of feet put in below your original foot on a foot set oh yeah you're that's your real height let me see your feet sure why not you just show them you just show them the bottom ones yeah that's smarter probably the most exciting day in the process is when your new feet burst out from inside your old feet explode the old foot and you sort of that's when you feel the freshest you know when it's still kind of wet with with ooze from like new under a scab that kind of thing the new pink fresh skin no never have a better foot than then so we are we're trying to time it out so that happens right before we go to introduce 80 for Brady. What if in your entrance you are brought down from the ceiling?

So that it's like the spotlight hits your feet first. You slowly come down. And then it's like the moment your feet first touch the ground. If you could time that so that it's truly that, the freshest feet. first touch the ground if you could time that so it is truly that the freshest feet we put mics on the ground to like pick up the sound of the skin connecting with yes yes or maybe there's like a little shallow kiddie pool of lotion so then your feet could wriggle around in the lotion so there's like squishy sounds yeah asmr element just a nice schlorp schlorp sound yeah yeah that that's interesting um i mean i think we also do i we do need to be talking and i i assume that the feet

will be miked louder than our voices i would obviously yeah but but we should talk a little bit about how 80 for brady does fulfill the grindhouse tradition right well yeah absolutely you know the like midnight movie kind of edgy this feels a little dangerous right right they do according to the trailer uh drink um marijuana martinis okay and you're also worried that any of them can drop dead at any moment. This might turn into a snuff film if there's a loud noise. Any one of their legs could be a machete

or an automatic weapon. Like a Planet Terror? I'm the only one who saw Planet Terror. Oh, buddy. No. That's not true at all. I saw it. I'm just only one who saw Planet Terror. Oh, buddy. No, that's not true at all. I saw it. I'm just trying to think about

if I make my leg into a machine gun or something, what am I doing with my foot? Necklace? What am I going to do with my foot? Put it in someone else's stocking? Make it a lamp? It is weird that we put candy and stuff in there. It's like, that's for feet.

Right. Why are you putting a toothbrush in here? It's unsanitary. Yeah. John, that's what they put. That's what you got in your stocking? You got a toothbrush? Well, like in addition to candy, but yeah.

That's nice messages. Yeah, but it's just like, your stocking you got a toothbrush well like in addition to candy but yeah a fresh message but yeah but it's just like it's supposed to be a time for candy where we don't think about the responsibility after the candy brush your teeth keep your teeth what do you get you're a little boy it shouldn't be about brushing your teeth. But it was like a superhero toothbrush. It had Aquaman at the bottom of it. Even so, it's like Aquaman is going like, better brush your teeth or you'll never get to meet my fish friends. Merry Christmas. Here's a wrist brace.

You guys didn't get ace bandages for Christmas every year? No, John. No, John. John. Yeah. Oh, wow. every year huh no john john huh john yeah oh wow i got a skateboard and a free cat scan a trip to the blood pressure machine you skate easier that way if you know you the cat scans already paid for lice medicine i didn't need that well you're a ball until you're 14 yeah oh god oh wow but when it came in then what happened so it was like ryan reynolds new

foot coming in this first outed a dapper new outfit so that i can impress my crush and a prescription for Valtrex. It's just like I just I'm sorry that your family was so intent on you being responsible that you didn't get that one moment of magic when you pull out the candy and you say I'm not

going to worry about my teeth at all for the whole morning. There are no tomorrows. Yeah. This week on the Patreon, Carl continues his journey as Akron Zips football coach Craig Fazzoli on his new show, Play No Games. On the pro version, the boys make some brand new clothes and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with John and Mark at patreon.com slash theflagerones. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors.

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protein plus and keto which is this it's a little bit of all of them okay okay it shouldn't be there are also more than 60 add-ons to help you stay fueled up and feeling good all day long how many add-ons and what are some of them it's one big add-on and it's you on your bed you're so tired after you eat my meal. The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah.

Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long. A lot of these, I know, give you a ton of energy. They have smoothies and things like that. This is wrong. Reservation for two. Me walking in my bedroom. What's the second?

It's you and your bed. I got clippy. Fuel up fast with Factors restaurant quality meals that are ready to heat and eat wherever you are. Pancake smoothies and more. Discover a wide variety of easy options for the entire day like breakfast, midday bites and more. No, we didn't even. This is not even up for consideration so let's just hear what the actual meal what was the food i don't want to go to bed it's very simple

it's one huge chicken nugget sign up and save we've done the math factor is less expensive than takeout every meal is dietitian approved to be nutritious and delicious head to factor meals.com slash the boys 50 and use code theboys50 to get 50% off. That's code theboys50 at factormeals.com slash theboys50 to get 50% off. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works.

Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language and the question that i always get people stop me and they say like hey i like i i trust you i know like you when you endorse a product it's something that you really use and care about but there's one language i'm trying to learn and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has visual in-person lessons part of their quick 10-minute lessons that they do for other languages handcrafted by over 200 language experts to help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks. Babble is designed by real people

for real conversations and that includes body-based conversations. What does it mean when you drop someone off after a nice date and they turn around at the door and they take their little index finger and they kind of like draw it towards them?

They're pulling it what does that mean does their whole finger hurt i wonder if they spotted a spider web or something they're trying to pull down the spider down yeah but i've seen this too after a lot of dates and i need i need and have needed something like babble to figure out what the heck is this person doing with their finger because it looks like a it looks like an emergency i know i was supposed to do something or how about those people that stand in the street they're kind of like they've got like almost like police clothes on it Almost. Yeah. And they're standing in the middle. And as I'm driving and I'm cruising, they're holding their hand up for like a high five almost. And they're really aggressively pushing it out. I'm like, am I supposed to drive out of

the car? Yeah. Or just do it out the window as I'm going. That's what I've been doing. Dangerous. Yeah. But some of these very subtle body language cues have escaped me and many listeners, I'm sure. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, which I have all the time, and delivered with conversation-based teaching so you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world. Studies from Yale, Michigan State University, and others can't feel good to be others there. Continue to prove Babbel is better. One study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Babbel has over 60 million subscriptions sold. All of their 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money-back guarantee here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now get 55

off your babble subscription but only for our listeners at babble.com slash the boys get 55 B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. B-A-B-B-E-L. .com slash the boys. Rules and restrictions may apply. With Babbel, we can't promise it'll always be easy, but you'll always be glad you did it. Kind of like this podcast, except it is easy for me. Hey, guys.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. You can see all your subscriptions in one place, and if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service. The subscriptions are insidious. They're the scourge of our modern life, and you never realize what you're subscribing to or that you're still being charged i know that i was about 19 dresses into receiving each one of the 27 dresses from the movie 27 dresses before i did not cancel and i you know by like dress 14 15 i think it starts to become clear like these aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not

they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent

that 500 million was most of that was the the dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot lot. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys. That's rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Rocketmoney.com slash the boys. Hollywood Handbook. One thing about this revival that we do sort of have to do.

So when we were booking the new Beverly, this was, I think, a confusion with kevin that like he also assumed that we would want like because it's 80 for brady he also booked us to be like presenting the movie alongside the actress ancient beverly who she's amazing and she of course is like the fifth person they're not promoting her in the movie but like it's it's there's four there's five surprise yes and it's very very she's not a name you know what i mean she's not marketable but she's incredible in this she's the her billing is and introducing right yeah yes and finally introducing finally she is 87 i believe right i think it's an introducing

and saying goodbye and saying goodbye yes and being a fond farewell yes don't get too attached it's about like representation of like there's these four women that are very kind of youthful for their age and then there's a fifth who uh appears to be significantly older than she even is which is which is very very old she's the same age but it's removing the stigma from seeming old i feel like there's so much tied up in old people being like age is just a number it's like well sometimes it is your age and sometimes that yes comes along with some pretty significant um changes you know challenges sure and i i think it is important to have that on screen as well just even for contrast but you

gotta give it to the director because it's hard to frame a shot where there's like four or five characters and one of them's in a hospital bed the entire time in a stadium that's not easy no it yeah it is um it's pretty clever the way that they shot it and and i think it was obviously with the trailer in mind where they do kind of pan over or widen you know after the first three seconds of every shot to show ancient beverly and someone giving her cpr most times i mean her shots are pretty clearly from above and they have like laid out like the set design like you know like the end table and stuff like next to her on its back and you know she's like lying on like a wallpaper surface so it seems like she's you know standing up uh but she's very obviously in a hospital but i mean just from

the kind she's and she's asking for medicine yes but i mean in most of the scenes she is asking for medicine but in a fun rap right oh gosh yeah no that i mean that to me was like that the lightness of hey even if you're not you know so spry it's like still give me a beat and like let's make this request really fun but saying like i need the medicine the medicine is yeah give me a crucial for me it's an emergency um but to do it just like go ancient it's your last breath it's your last breath so the lowering i worry is going to be an issue for ancient beverly the lotion i think would be temporarily beneficial and then and then potentially very

immediately become like a choking hazard actually yes now you're bringing her out before the movie starts she has to be part of our like she is locked in to our pre-movie introduction which is our only opportunity to kind of sell quentin impress quentin and so we want to like on our movie knowledge without yeah without her taking the spotlight maybe if you get her to say like some sort of racial slur that might get his attention yeah he loves those interesting and what's our reaction to that are we just kind of like how do i play it we disapprove of it but but it's okay she's from a different time she's from a different time yeah we say this is appropriate for her character for

her life experience trains were new that's what her character would say yes that's right you know it actually would be dishonest and inauthentic for her not to use that racial slur even though i personally will not never get no that's right unless it's in the script quentin is there a way to tie it like a movie like 80 for brady with just like being able to show how much we like know and appreciate about about film like like with the traditions that draw we talked about grindhouse but like maybe go the american giallo or um some black exploitation maybe yeah lesser known genres maybe you can find a way to compare it to blackula wow katie for blackula huh you pitch a sequel for senior citizens to find their spark go to a rival screening of blackula

i don't know that's that's what we're pitching maybe they go on a vacation and then they unearth blackula And you guys are the concerned grandsons? We play the concerned grandsons. Grandma, come on. You're too old to go see Blackula at a midnight screening. There we go. Watch this, Sonny. This works right to itself.

And they have to sneak out, you know? And we learn. Like, we learn to have some respect for our elders. Yeah, you guys are like, you gotta do that. And to not be so, you know, so fragile about it. But I think one of you needs to fall in love with one of the other women. One of the other grandmas?

Yeah, not your own grandma. This is a MILF Manor style situation? Mm-hmm. I think so. Yeah milf good manor so it's both of your two grand because you both have two grandmas on both so it's those four grandmas together okay so maybe it's like there's two throuples then or it could be you each end up with one and then two of the grandmothers end up together that's cute progressive well that would yes and that would maybe move us up your list yeah three marriages at the end of the at the plot and tarantino loves shakespeare he does he's obsessed they're always showing shakespeare

in love at new beverly he he has a podcast now yeah that's true uh-huh have you reached out have you inquired just to wish him well just good luck quentin uh we've been doing this for a few years uh let us know if you need any tips takes a while to build your audience get that t public account going as soon as you can so you you have t you have you have t's oh we have tes. Sick tees. Mm-hmm. What's our best-selling tee design? And let's see if we can steer a little more traffic that way. It would probably be the Eat Shit Funny Girl. Okay. That's good.

Very versatile. Very versatile. Very of the moment as well. We let down Michelle. Michelle came back. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You can wear that

pretty much anywhere there's no inappropriate location there's no wrong event Disneyland you could wear it you wear it to Disneyland but you can wear it to church you can wear it to a wedding but you can also wear it

to a different church Kevin do you have the t public store open uh sure let me get that so the answer was no it's a yes or it's not a shirt uh yeah just give me a second and the shirt is about the movie funny girl correct because you like is it to the character or is it you like the new broadway version we haven't seen it john's more the broadway guy than i am yeah and it was mark who said eat shit funny girl so that's that's all mark i'll take why do you say that so what actually and john are you sharing the profits over two hours long and it's

really boring that's what she did two and a half hours of this i need i don't think so that's what she did two and a half hours of this i need i don't think so two hours that's what i did you i'm not so funny there we go here we go i'm pulling the lever okay there's the two of you saying hello why don't we so this that one's really nice the logo work is really fantastic. It's got Barbara Streisand. Wow. Just right in there. No mistaking it.

Can you talk to me about You Are Not The Movie Cruising? I actually watched Cruising recently. Oh, you did? He actually was saying that he is. I thought I was the movie. I finished watching and I Yeah, I thought I was the movie. I finished watching it. I said, hey, I'm the movie Cruising.

Finally, somebody got me right. I thought it was interesting. Wasn't sure I understood it. Sure. But no. But tell me why it says you are not the movie Cruising. Well, for the longest time, you would get a penalty if you were the movie Cruising. Because before we saw it, we believed it was a very you know a homophobic not the most fratty portrait of

gay life but then we eventually watched it and it came away it's not that bad not the worst not the worst so for about a year you would get a penalty if you were the movie cruising but then we would be like you're not the movie cruising so you're not going to get penalized oh so that's a good thing sure not being the movie cruising but then in fact the movie cruising was not the movie cruising correct well that one was but yeah that's the one time that it was the movie cruising was the movie cruising even though what you were braced for was something much worse than what the movie cruising actually was correct we were braced for uh something much worse than what the movie Cruising actually was. Correct. We were braced for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. But it actually ended up being a little more nuanced than that. Yeah.

Far more interesting. If you can believe something was more interesting than I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Again, all this stuff is totally subjective. Sure. Kevin, are you in the United Kingdom right now? That's cool that you guys don't do US currency. I love that. You know, we're supporting Brexit.

Because all the prices are in pounds. There's a t-shirt of the two of you saying hello, which you say at the same time at the beginning of every episode. That's true. How's that one doing? hello which you say at the same time at the beginning of every episode that's correct how's that one doing you know the problem was we introduced all these shirts at the same time and we should have okay done one you know roll out you gotta space them out up it's good if people feel like they have no other option at any point when they're buying a shirt this is the advice i left for quentin i said don't put all your merch out at once.

Space it out. When there's just one shirt out, people think, ooh, I got to get that one. But when you do six, it's a fallacy of choice. There's nothing to stop us from doing a t-shirt where it's me and Sean saying hello. That is true. I'm just looking at this,

and even if it's not doing huge numbers compared to the Eat Shit Funny Girl shirt, I am just liking the idea of it's me, it's Sean on a t-shirt, I'm saying hello. Do you guys have any merch? A lot of the work is done for us. We got a little bit of merch. I'd say it's even more confusing than the cruising shirt what we're working with you know kevin just picks these very strange uh like inspirations for are you pulling up our store kevin do we have a store yeah we do yeah we do and here's what we're working with boys okay all righty All righty. A lot of sports. So these are all.

I want my cowboy. It's a lot of sports. It says I want my cowboy TV. These are all on like the very similar kind of foundation. You know, it's like a brightish image on a black background. Yours are much more varied in their presentation. I don't know know i'm just feeling like we got a we got a clean house in this store you want to have clearance how's podcast

university doing kevin let me log in and look behind the curtain in the back end yeah while he's doing that we do have to deal with gronk gronk will be there at the While he's doing that, we do have to deal with Gronk. Gronk will be there at the screening. He's going to want to be featured in some way. 25. He wants to, you know, feel funny, feel a part of it. But again, we don't want Gronk to get discovered. We want to be discovered. He's already in a movie.

Exactly. Exactly. bronc to get discovered uh we want to be right he's already in a movie oh yeah exactly exactly so you know is there something funny we could do like could it would he feel funny if we go hey what if we we tackle you you know in the lotion no you have a yeah yeah and he's like he throws a strong strapping guy, right? He pitched a few things. Because he's got all these things that he sponsors. Yeah, supplements and stuff. And his thing is that he spikes the different things. So he has a deal with Subway.

He spikes the sweet onion chicken piccata sub. He has a deal with subway spikes spikes sweet onion chicken piccata sub he has a deal with usaa this is the really difficult he he for our thing because he works with the usaa he wants to spike a marine yeah i don't know that that's which we were like could it be like a toy marine or something? Like a full in uniform. Yes. In the dress uniform? Yes. He wants the Marines to send them their most powerful enlisted marine.

Okay. I'm glad he's not going to Walter Reed then and just pick the weakest. That would be upsetting. So this guy could take it. That is nice. It is, but he does want to spike ancient Beverly. thinking the weakest that would be upsetting so this guy could take that is nice that's right it is but he also want i mean he does want to spike ancient beverly so yes but what a way to go what a way to go yeah i guess that he has he has announced his intention to liquefy

ancient beverly so you gotta keep them on opposite sides of the stage then i didn't know i don't follow sports i didn't know gronk was so bloodthirsty i don't know that he was when he was in the league but you know these guys are tired they don't know what to do with themselves that's right we saw babylon i know what we're dealing with debauchery and outrage that's what happens to you yeah did babylon uh that's over two hours it's three hours and five minutes did you pull did you uh pull the lever on that one send it into the the moat yeah you got dunked i said can i tell my gronk story please let's get it let's get it let's actually like let's actually take

a pulse on this like whether we really do want to hear the gronk story i've never heard it before and kevin has i haven't either just about everything that's happened in his life i'll be completely honest terrible i'll be completely honest i have no idea who gronk is so any kind of context clues would be very helpful for me in taking part in this conversation. Let's pull up one of his ads for John. I mean, if John is going to appreciate this story at all, we should at least show him one commercial that has

Gronk in it. Is he an active player? He's no longer active. He's no longer playing. Didn't play this past season. But is that true within the world of that universe? Of 80 for Brady? In 80 for Brady, he's an active player.

He's got to be. I thought 80 for Brady took place on September 10th, 2001. Yeah. He was playing then. And they let it go. They just let it happen. Wow. Right.

Yeah, they get a warning and they get a warning that if they don't lose the game that that's september 11th will take place and grok and brady look at each other and they say you know what the game is bigger than this country that's true true and they make a pretty good case that what would have happened if it had been averted would have been even worse and they don't say what it was but it sounds like it would have been pretty bad we never would have gotten american sniper the movie they sort of allude to that being it and one of the pluses i know but that I think if they had just said that outright, people would have said that that was actually

not worth it. I think if you put that final point on it, it becomes open for debate. I see. But they do imply that the film American Sniper would not have happened. And it's also objective. Oh, yeah. So this is for T-Mobile.

Not a sponsor for this podcast, or are they? Not yet. We're open. We're circling each other. Here it is. Bronk. What up, TB? What do you think my next move should be?

Give it to me straight. Maybe it's just time I hang them up. I got one word for you. Retirement. If you retire now, you're going to be walking on soft sand in a week. Just come to Florida and feel the wind in your hair. Retirement is like winning another one. Maybe I'll even join you.

On a spotty network, this is what Tom heard. If you retire now, you're soft and weak. Just come to Florida and win another one. Maybe I'll even join you. Just go win another one. Like it's that join you. Just go win another one. Like it's that easy, Kronk. Maybe it is. I still feel like I have a lot to accomplish.

And so Tom Brady unretired. Yeah. And that's how it happened. And it's because of this body connection that he lost his family. It's like a multiverse. This is why whenever I have a streaming service, I never pay for the ad free. I always like seeing these ads.

They're funny. They're really funny. That ad was very clever. And when they, you know, it's really a mad fold in, isn't it? Where you have this one picture, but then you get this second picture when you kind of trim the edges.

We realized we were in the hands of Hitchcockian master the whole time. Oh, yes. No no the twist had me reeling good luck knock at the cabin top in the altar yes i like looking at tom brady because i like to know that with enough money when i reach a certain age i will still be able to appear extremely youthful but i will not know what to do with my mouth. Something will be going on with my mouth, which is of which I am not certain.

He kind of looks like a very healthy ghoul. I can either feel my, I either can't feel my mouth or I can feel it too much. He's like, it's trying to his lower jaw is trying to escape constantly something's going on and so it'll be it'll be moving around i'll be holding it but you'll be able to tell that i'm thinking is this normal the way i'm holding it no matter what else is going on but everything else seems fine in 80 for brady i believe sally field cuts his jaw

off really she's like i can't take it anymore. And he says, finally. He's free. At last I am free. And just ghosts just pour out of his mouth. Like a Return of the King when that ghost army shows up. So that's your context for who Gronk is. Gronk is the big guy.

And he has a bad phone. context for who Gronk is. Gronk is the big guy. He has a bad phone. It was because of the bad phone that Tom Brady came back to play another year and, as Sean said, lost his entire family. If he had T-Mobile, he'd still be married. Is that considered to be a bad thing

that Tom Brady went back? It's an interesting question raised by the commercial, isn't it? I guess they really think that was a safe route to do it. Ultimately, it was one of the greatest personal errors of his life. he only played one more year and now he did just retire for good until i guess this happens again so he's like inevitably will he's like the share of football constantly retiring i think that's a nice way to think about it yeah charitable not nice to share i feel like yeah she'll be fine and so where are we what

are we thinking now about kevin's kevin is unmuted i just want to point that out so kevin is loaded for bear if if called upon he will serve okay so do we want to hear more about gronk is your question well not just that's not more about gronk but kevin's gronk story his take experience which every everything that has ever happened to kevin he has believed to be a story and told me about on the show okay and how have the stories fared in the past i can't remember i cannot remember a single fucking one of them there was a recent one i know that they happen but they just wash over me where uh so you know we're we're we're in the in the thick of a pretty significant business uh conversation for the podcast yeah with uh

with with the serious xmM family. And Kevin texted us the other day, I just had the craziest morning. Alright. And I think, well, surely this is like, I'm interested in what's coming next because we're kind of

waiting for different pieces of news. It absolutely has to affect me, the future of the show, my finances, my family like yeah like this guy on the heels of us sort of giving him our you know our desires and our marching orders for the show is like i just had the craziest morning and i know that he's been in talks with these different corporate entities about the show so i go, I'm braced for this to be crazy. And it was instead the 50th, 60th installment

of the story of how he burned down the shed in his backyard. He's like a one-man Rashomon kind of thing. How many sheds do you have in your backyard? No, this is like, it's not the same story told over and over again. It's like a Dickens bleak house where you would get a chapter at a time in the different publications over the course of many years. It's funny girl-esque in its length. Yes, that's right.

That is far beyond the point of it having entertainment value. It continues to and you're saying kevin's storytelling prowess might not be on the level of dickens this one i don't know i don't this one was insurance related and the story was if i if i could abbreviate the story and kevin you'll correct me if i'm wrong the story was that he got a phone call from the insurance company that was concerning. And later that same day, he got a second phone call that said, we were mistaken.

Undoing the initial phone call. I mean, if you want to like boil it down, I guess that's the synopsis. Well, I've had two crazy mornings because Sean hooked me up this morning too. Okay, that's crazy. I call him at like 10, 20 or so. mornings because Sean hooked me up this morning too. He called me. I call him at like 10.45.

You were sleeping at 10.45? It was very clear that he was asleep and in bed. I had to take my night guard out. Hello? You're 14. Imagine that night guard at 10.45.

Would you take it out? Is there like food in it? Imagine that night guard at 1045. I'm about to stink. It took me a few rings to get it out. Is there food in it? Do you floss before you go to bed? Oh, yeah. Big floss. Big floss. You got John stalking. So Sean called me.

I said, hello. He said, did I wake you up? Kevin said, no. And no, I haven't spoken yet today. But I have been awake. I haven't spoken yet today, but I have been awake. I haven't spoken. Okay. Perfect.

Even worse. All right. Tell the Gronk story. Tell Mark and John and let Mark and John curate the story as it's happening. Sure. Get this thing into shape. I do a lot of storytelling, so I think I can help here. Great.

Yes. Okay. Let's go. The year is 2015. No. Tedious. It's facts. I want emotion. I just moved to Los Angeles. I get a phone call. Okay. It's my old man. Good news.

My co-worker and his family are in Los Angeles, and I told them you're available to get lunch with them tomorrow at the Grove. Okay. Okay. Smash cut to the next day. A voice for your dad or something.

I think. Yeah. I'm not quite sure. It feels like you're writing a script, but all right. Cut to the Grove. We have a nice regular cut to the right. Yeah.

Smash cuts are too jar. Better. Yeah my god what is this alex a side wipe swipe to the grove angle on the grove we have a nice lunch with me my dad's co-worker anthony his wife and two kids la pretty cool where wait a minute you can't just have what does your dad do who are these friends are you impressed no my dad works in insurance works okay so he's the mafia yes he takes he said he takes care of problems we have big lunch me and where did you eat you cannot just have lunch the grove is not a restaurant whatever one has like the two floors and you're on like the second it's across from the american factory it's across from the american girl oh um and it has a second floor it overlooks why are we going down this path we have a fantastic

lunch and they say hey look there's a sign in front of Barnes and Noble Rob Gronkowski's doing a book signing oh my god maybe we could go over there and sneak a peek swipe like when he's changing clothes smash cut to

second floor of barnes and noble is there a bridge from the second floor of barnes and noble from the restaurant that you're at i wish no we had to go down the floor walk in go up the escalator we're now in the second floor we're you must have really put on a show with this thing they're taking you to a second location yeah they're trying to like keep this going

we're at Barnes & Noble on the second floor people everywhere so excited to see Gronk sure enough out walks five very large men. Gronk and his entourage. His decoys, like Saddam. Okay, so wait. What is your relationship to the Gronk before this?

Are you just like, oh, that's a guy? Is it someone you idolize? Is it someone you hate? Vaguely know who he is is that he's a football player anthony i think loves sports and uh was very excited to see him so anthony's excited anthony we should know that first we should know who anthony is we should know that he likes sports you're asking for our emotional investment in the story when you have none yeah all i've heard is like technical terms. I'm an empath.

I'm excited because Anthony's excited. This is like a video game walkthrough. This is something we could have heard beforehand. Like, are you excited? Like, you're giving us facts, but like, we're not feeling a story. My dad calls his empath son me and asks if I can get lunch with him.

We have this fantastic- He calls you me? No, he calls me, parentheses, his empath son. Ah, okay. Hey, Kev, guess what? It's more like a Z-Path. Okay. So here's what, you're like telling me

you're an empath, but you're not showing me it. So like, I want you to be like, oh, my dad is excited, so suddenly I'm excited. Or like, this looks... Absolutely. How do we get back to the beginning of the story? We haven't gotten to the end of the story. I know. I moved to Los Angeles in 2015.

A few months later, my dad calls me. How are you feeling, Mr. Empath? Are you overwhelmed being in L.A.? All these emotions, all this ambition, anxiety. Like, what is it? Oh, I'm so scared and stressed i uh i buy a car dies on the second day sociopath covered in bed bugs we don't need the whole story i'm doing horrible okay my daddy calls me hey i like this guy hey guess what great news oh i love great news

i hate to ask who was talking when you said hey i like this guy that's what you said when you saw your dad i really wanted you done my phone rings dad hey i like this guy swipe to answer you swipe on your phone swipe to answer swipe right to answer you gotta swipe right to answer that's true true. I'll give him that. Great news. My face lights up like a Christmas tree. Who? What?

You're going to get lunch. What? You're getting lunch tomorrow with my coworker, Anthony, and his family at the Grove. Is your dad Anthony's boss? Yes. That makes a lot more sense. Status important in his yes he's trying this man is being paid to spend time with you that's why they kept on his vacation with his family now he's getting lunch with me at the grove we have a great lunch i get you oh they're so excited for me. I'm excited because they're excited for me.

Smash cut. I look at you. You moved to Los Angeles. You did it. Okay. You did the impossible. Yeah. Edit.

Second floor, Barnes and Noble. I wish. Hundreds of people out walks Gronk with his crew. They're getting closer and closer to us. My eyes are going back and forth between Anthony and Gronk. I can't believe this. I'm so happy for him. It's a little quiet.

There's like hush, hush sounds. No one's speaking. It's Gronk. That's what happens when Gronk comes out. Gronk, Gronk. What about found this gronk he's about to conduct an orchestra or something yeah very loudly anthony's wife says as he walks as gronk's crew walks by us oh wow which one is he gronk kind of look over the who said that didn't actually say that but with the side eye you could see which is the whole story what you guys think that's it was the punchline i could tell that was

the punchline this is a roll credits okay so what changed for you how are you different now because of this interaction i just kind of like that he was humbled this is really more of a story about your father's employee's wife and not a gronk story how did i word it also she doesn't get a name of the story i just know yeah we have anthony and a female character i know all about anthony anthony's a nut. I know where he works. He went to college where I went. I know who he works for. Yep. Know his position.

Anthony's wife, she could be anything. Yep. And nothing. That's what happens when it can be anything. It ends up being nothing. Wow. All we know about her is she's not sure of who Gronk is among a group of six men. It could have been me. I could have been Anthony's wife, really.

Yeah, yeah. god forbid that she has some other interest something going on that kevin has never learned about that prevented her from finding out who gronk was yeah but like again like how are you different because of all this that's what that's yeah how do you change your button or your preconceived notions of gronk changed i just like that anthony's wife kind of razzed him. Anthony's wife. She kind of like, again, do you think it was intentional? To me, it came off as just a blissful ignorance,

not a sort of digging. That's the question that keeps me up at night, John. I says, was that intentional? You can't get to bed until so late and you have to sleep until 1045. John wakes me up. I've been up since four wondering if Anthony's wife did this intentionally or if it was pure bliss.

Now I picture when you wake up, you just go, which one was it? And then go, oh, Sean's calling me. I mean, I think there is a message here that Kevin has taken away, which is you know, fame is in the eye of the beholder you can feel like you're especially people are here to see me like i've got my big book reading today and all

it takes is one anthony's wife to snap you back to reality maybe you can book her for the 80 for like that could be a fun reunion. I think he's likely to. What I was going to say, it did change Kevin. Gronk's revenge on Anthony's wife. He spikes her. He spikes Anthony's wife. How do you like that? Instead of ancient, what's her name?

Beverly. But we often ask Kevin to book a celebrity for the show or to get us someone famous. And I think because of this interaction with Grum. And you've known Anthony's wife this whole time and you've never tried to book her? Anthony's wife's numbers in your phone.

And how many episodes have you guys done now? 486. Oh my God. Wow. I hate to think about that. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.