Hollywood Handbook - Martha Kelly, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

The Boys try to make MARTHA KELLY famous enough to be a Try Month guest.This episode is sponsored by Blackout Podcast, Brilliant Earth ( www.brilliantearth.com/THEBOYS ), hims ( www.forhims.com/HANDBOOK ), and Philo ( www.philo.tv/theboys ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm looking at the thing like what do i want to do me and um wiley uh do frame and we we're at the um the cat chipotle yeah they have all these cat cafes, of course, now. And then there's the one, Chipotle, where there's cats. It's the same. Everything is the same. In the food, on the counter. Not in the food. Working the soda fountains.

Not in the food. But they're allowed to walk through. Around the food, yeah. But they are allowed to walk through the beans. Because you know they always want to see what's going on whenever you're... When you're scooping anything. Yes. They go, is that for me?

But they're allowed to walk through the beans and there's almost not enough room with how many of them there are some of them are going to have to be around the beans at any given time just because the space issues so I order say the okay

chicken and beans and tomatoes chicken beans and tomatoes roll it up. And we You roll it up? I bowl it up. I like to make What I love, you can roll it up or bowl it up.

I like to make my own bowl. I say, roll it up, but give me the bowl, and I will sort of spread it around the way I like. Yeah, sometimes when they bowl it up, I wind up spending most of my meal reorganizing it in a way that makes sense for me. Yeah. So that is smart.

And I'm going to try your style next time. And at the beginning, they, their feelings are a little hurt, but then eventually they're just like, oh, this is like, they know me and there's cats everywhere.

Uh, so I get to the checkout area and it's time to pay for my food okay i didn't know about it's time to give them money for the food okay i didn't know about this part which this is what a store yes this is it really sounded like you had been to this place okay you. Okay, you didn't say that. So I open my wallet and... Cat comes out? No.

Be funny though, huh? Could be funny. Cat pops out of the wallet. So I open my wallet. Oh, there's my credit cat. It's too small. A cat would never... Flat cat.

I open my wallet and it's. They breed for all different traits. It's moths. Moths fly out. Three moths. And I am doing great. Well, you left the light on. Yes, I had found.

Yes, there's a little blinking light in my wallet so I can find it in the dark. If I'm like sort of waking up with someone that I have met recently and I don't want to like turn the light on, I just have to like make my little escape, you know. I need all of my clothes and my wallet and my shoes and my keys to be blinking, like be sending out like a beacon so i can find them in the dark but it looks like some moths got in there ate my money now of course they're flying around and the cats are uh like basically becoming like feral at the sight of these moths they're reverting to some like prehistoric state yes and it's their instinct and they breed them for certain traits flatness is when i mentioned but you can't breed out of them the instinct to do a big jumpy when you see a moth

yes and so they start and be swatting and basically going nuts yes and so they start jumping in the you know a lot of them are falling into the beans yes uh the cashier is like doesn't want to be rude and so is like trying to figure out how much of food i can get in exchange for these moths. Like, it was like, okay, that's fine. As soon as it's like a cultural thing.

Yeah. And like, now you don't want to be like, Oh, it's just cause we use money in America. You can't pay with a moth. Right. Uh, so he's like,

where does he think you're from? Uh, from what is a funny thing to say? Yeah. That's not offensive in any way. No, but I'm trying to use moth. Is there a country that I was thinking

Monaco could be Mothico, but it doesn't really. Yeah, because Monaco almost, I would think, monarch. When I introduce Martha, I can say her name is Mothra. That's funny. But that's not for right now. People are probably wondering why the story is going so long,

but our guest explicitly told us that she was shooting late last night, that she didn't really want to be that involved in the show, and we could have been more thrilled. So I'm stretching out the non-guest time. So we're like, well, let's just keep doing the story. This shit's funny to me. The fucking moth is making the cats go crazy? That shit's cracking me up.

So what am I going to not dig in and go, okay, what country has moths? But now I've found this place where the only way out is to introduce the guests. Mothbekistan. Mammoth. Like the ski resort? He thinks I'm from the ski resort? Mammoth? He thinks it's a cultural thing where you're from Mammoth?

What the fuck? Martha, did you understand that? Can you pick that apart for me? Don't drink your water right now. I'm really sorry. Of all the times. Jesus. Of impeccable timing.

I think that Kevin is thinking that mammoth has the word moth in it. Right. Yeah. And maybe you guys would pretend to not know that isn't a country. Pretend not to know something. That's not the show. Yeah. I know it's a reversal of the norm to take Kevin's side, but.

Bismarck in this case, though. You've sort of said. So did we put like cards on the table? It's Martha Kelly. Martha Kelly. Famous comedian famous comedian, funny lady, we're friends on Twitter. Yes. Such great animals posting that. On the TV show and the cool show, huh?

Well, it depends on if you think of very small the smaller the audience the cooler the show just one second do you know about Hank Baskets Hank Baskets no he was married to

one of Hef's girls is that right? Wow. So now I'm going to have to admit that I don't know about Hank Baskets. He was a receiver for, and look up Hank Baskets. Is he a football? The Eagles.

The Eagles. The Eagles. And the Vikings. And the Colts. And who was he married to? I want to say one of those famous Kendra Wilkinson And she's the most famous one

Oh yes and now I realize I do know Hank Baskets Because I did watch an episode of Kendra's show Kendra on Top Is that the show? Yeah I'm sorry So you know the name of the show You don't know Hank Baskets, but you do know the name of Kendra,

her show. I just as a quick aside, I can't hear my own microphone. You haven't heard any of this. I can't hear. Okay. I can't believe how well this is going. There's a little knob in front of

you that maybe would help. That's just her headphones, though. Oh, now I can hear my dumb ass. Okay, but that was the solution. Okay, so sorry. So I haven't watched an episode of Kendra on Top. Sorry. Do you want us to do the whole beginning again?

Because it seems like you weren't hearing some of this really funny shit. You would have been laughing, I think, more at my cat story in the beginning because I did it for you because you love cats. Yeah. I did. Well, it's a complicated answer. I do want you to do it all over again, but I did hear it.

I just love picturing the cats falling into the beans. I want to be able to live that again. Funny visual. And we do a lot of that stuff. It's funny comments, but we also do. Pictures in your mind. Yeah, we try to create images for the audience at home. Because it's audio, and so you can't see what's going on.

And there's a freedom in that where we could say that almost anything is happening. Cats and beans. And I just have a fan request like people do on message boards for film sequels. For the next Cat Chipotle story, could there be a flat cat coming out of the wallet behind the moth? Chasing the moth? I'm chasing it. That would be a good twist at the end, because Hayes really shut down that idea, didn't he? Well, I don't want to take sides.

Well, that is a better version of the idea, because I established that there's cats everywhere. The moths had to come out in order to come out first and then there's another cat and the envelope it is a an escalation a heightening but I think in that version the idea we need me to suggest that a flat cat came out and for you to say no and then at the very end what do you know like because then we've really put it out of the audience's mind oh there won't be a flat they've've totally forgotten about it. As soon as I say no, they forget that you ever said it. We're going to cook this up. We have to just get cards on the table here.

You know about this tri-month that everyone is doing promotions for at this point. Tri-month the comic dog. Kevin has... Remember? When he first introduced this... Hold on, let Martha answer. Do you remember what I'm sort of sounding like? I think that you're talking about Triumph the insult comic dog.

Triumph the comic dog. Triumph the comic dog. I love it. M&M was so angry. Jack and Triumph. Oh, yeah. M&M. God damn it.

Pissed as hell, man. Where he grew up, okay, I understand you're saying, oh, it's silly, there's a puppet. Puppet. Okay, whatever. Where he grew up, a man puts his hand in your face? Yeah. A grown man's got his hand in your face? Yeah.

You can't just let that slide. No. a grown man's got his hand in your face, you can't just let that slide. And so we're removing Eminem from context here by saying, oh, he's a celebrity at the MTV Movie Awards. Well, he's not that far removed from fucking 8 Mile, one of the longest streets I've ever heard of. And so did, I'm hoping I'm remembering this correctly,

did he punch the puppet? He definitely, I think, mushed him. He kind of mushed him more than punched. And we we've been talking about Senior Wences a lot on this show lately. Of course. A similar thing. You don't really hear a lot about Senior Wences anymore.

And that's because he did try to do this. You know, he would like draw a face on his hand. Right. With a little mustache. And it would talk to people and sometimes be very nasty to them. And he unfortunately did that to Eminem and he did get his hand cut off. Oh, well, I feel like.

Which was just one of his fingers. Which was just one of his fingers. I mean, if you want to mess with the bull, you will get the horns, is what I've heard. I've not experienced it. We only have a certain amount of time, and we have to really figure this out with this tri-month thing. And I promise, this is all Kevin.

When he first brought this up, it seemed like this very innocuous idea that we get like slightly. Sounded kind of nice to me. Better guests than we usually get. I sort of assumed that Kevin would be doing a lot of the work as like that being like his main job. Something has gone unpunished for too long, which is that I believe when we recorded our episode with Sashir, Kevin brought up Tri-Month. Yeah.

It may have been during that pro version. And he went, well, it just feels like a lot of this is just like, it's me Tri-Month. And it's like, well, I didn't want to fucking do it,

man. So like, what did you think it was going to be? Like he's going like, it feels like it's me Tri- and it's like well i didn't want to fucking do it man so like what did you think your idea like he's going like it feels like it's me trying it's like does it feel that way to me it feels like no one's trying because we got the one good guest which by the way you're supposed to be trying to do all the time hey guys chef kevin here um i have been trying very hard i've reached out to 40 people since january uh and i've wait wait wait wait wait months you sent 40 emails i'm so sorry i'm so sorry that we that we came down on you so hard some of them are probably grouped in the same email i'm just saying 40 emails with the text the same at all of them?

It's probably pretty similar. I have reached out to a lot of people, and when I said that, I was trying to say that I would appreciate a little bit of help. So in the interest of radical transparency, what has been happening, and you've heard us make fun of Kevin before for being like, could you do the show tomorrow?

To a famous person going like, I don't know what's going on. They're not answering. Now what he does instead, since we've made fun of that, is on Friday at noon or maybe four, he goes, can you guys get a guest for tomorrow? I'll be like, what are we doing tomorrow? I haven't heard anything about having a guest. And Kevin's like,

do you guys just want to do two pro versions tomorrow? Do pro versions and ads? And so then that sort of brings us to what happened this week, which is we were like, let's get Martha Kelly. She's so funny. And also, we think she's very funny. She actually likes our show, which has basically never happened before.

I don't believe that. Is this true? I'm a huge fan. She loves the show. Yeah. And so we're like, wouldn't that be nice to reward one of the funny people who likes our show and actually go like, why don't you come do the show and then kevin with his sick metrics he's like silent for a second i can like sort of

hear him doing a little like calculations on the other end but the thread goes very quiet and then he said maybe we could release that one in April. And you took his side earlier, this man. Well, I still would have to take his side. I would for sure release this at the earliest in April. But we're doing topical stuff. This cat Chipotle could be closed by then. That's true true this is a

dilemma so we're in this place where like we we need episodes for tri-month we have to i mean like we're like oh it's this or like nothing at all but kevin is so obsessed with just like a certain level of fame in his mind but he can't get them so he's like i need you to get a guest the night before and it has to be a famous person did not say that i said i would like appreciate some help i'm not saying that you need to do it i was just asking for some help well this is that we we got someone in handcuffed. But it's not enough for you. So basically what we have to do is come up with a way to make Martha famous enough by the time when this episode comes out that Kevin will be satisfied and allow it to be released as part of Tri-Month. Yeah, or else I get punished. Yes.

When Martha does. Yeah. Because, of course course the backlash in the middle of tri-month when we release a Martha Kelly episode and she's at her current level of fame yeah yes is going to be devastating and Kevin's has some weird plan for April I think where that is is gonna be called

suck month wow that well that's not I've just seen like his notes about it. I don't know the real details. Yeah, that it's just this huge letdown, and it's like, I don't think we should ever plan on that. I think we were at a nice steady hum

of doing B minus C plus episodes every week for years. Yeah, C plus. I feel somewhat double crossed by Kevin to be honest I do as well talking about this in front of you by yourself

you feel double crossed by you I feel like I double crossed myself it's concerning to me when he first wakes up in the morning double crosses himself it was a concern to me that you're a fan of the show

because normally like other famous people have no idea we kind of go through four rounds of explaining the show to the guest

and you follow all of us on social media don't say other famous people you don't think that Martha is famous I absolutely think she's famous

I'm a huge fan I love baskets if I could's famous. I'm a huge fan. I love baskets. If I could just interject here, by all standards of measurement, I am not famous, but... Do you have a blue check? What?

Oh, yeah. But that... Verified. Verified. So, a lot of people have blue checks that aren't famous. Disagree. Kevin doesn't. Strongly disagree. Kevin doesn't have one.

You think Brad has one? Here's who's got a blue check. I have an imposter on Twitter, too. Yeah, blue checks is like, I have one, Hayes has one, you have one, Ryan Hintz Media has one. Colin. Colin. Colin has one. Does Josh have one. You have one. Ryan Hintz Media has one. Colin. Colin has one. Does Josh have one? No.

And he has like 22,000 bots who follow him. So. I would, not to be self-centered, but I would love to get this thing off the ground where you make me famous. Me, yes. Me too. And we only have a certain amount. Would it help to sort of find out between now and like end of

March, what stuff you are going to be doing so like maybe we're already in a place where like something is about to pop. So do you have anything? Make it easier on us. Anything in the hopper for you? Well, just to lay the groundwork for the kind

of work we have in front of us, on Thursday when I tried to drive on to base camp, security tried to stop me for the show that I'm a regular character on, and then he actually chased my car. He chased my car for a moment because he thought I was just a crazy lady trying to get onto the set.

So that's the kind of work we have ahead of at you achieving something that the security guard would be aware of who works for your show. So we know exactly what our target is because when he knows you, we can just assume that he's going to tell his buddies. I hope so. I hope he does. So obviously the traditional route to this stuff is movies and stuff like that which can take forever

right unless like stuff that's coming out are you in Shazam are you doing Shazam um I

I might if I am I I'm if you are you don't know about it you don't okay so you're just

you're tired from shooting late last night and so if you're saying if you are at Shaz't know about it. Okay, so you're tired from shooting late last night. And so you're saying if you are at Shazam, you just can't remember right now. Can you email us and let us know if you're in Shazam after we record? I will, but I have a... Just after you get a nap. It would help me remember if... Is this the Shazam? Zach Levi is the superhero who the boy from Stranger Things finds a scroll, I believe, says Shazam, becomes adult and strong.

Becomes Chuck. Is this a remake of the Shaquille O'Neal Shazam? I'm sorry, no. I'm so sorry. I am in that one. Oh, you are in that one? And so Brett is trying to draw

on this internet thing that I refuse to engage with. So I'm just announcing right now I will not be doing this back and forth with him. And I'm willing to do it, Brett. What's going on? They say

Sinbad was in a Shazam in the 90s. Oh. Friend of the show. It wasn't Shaquille O'Neal? No, it was Shaquille O'Neal, and this is exactly why I didn't want to do this. You are in the movie Kazam, where Shaquille O'Neal plays a genie in the 90s.

It's fine. That could have happened to literally anyone, even if they had a full night's sleep. That literally could have happened to even someone like me. What if I told you there was a movie with Shaquille O'Neal called Shazam. Okay. Okay. called Shazam. Okay.

Okay. And the writer of Kazam sued production to keep Shazam, wait. From being released. And that's why it's never seen the light of day. But you were in that. You were in Shazam, but we haven't seen you in it,

so it's not going to help your level of fame. Right. Is that part of the concept? Or no? It's a, it's. Is that part of the concept? Or no? I think that... We don't get paid extra if we take longer to get to our idea. I'm going to say I'm not in Shazam, but I was. I don't...

Guys. What? I really this is this is part of why it's really hard to get more famous is when

you don't even know what work you're doing or have done right and it's just a whirlwind but I would say Shazam

would have been a good option we'd be done we'd be finished already and maybe that would be bad because the episode would be over like someone in Shazam who like he he like goes to the grocery store and he's buying

beer cause he's like an adult now but he's like a little kid secretly who's like who looks like Chuck and you are like the checkout woman and you're like hitting on Shazam and he's like who looks like Chuck and you are like the checkout woman and you're like hitting on Shazam and he's like a little kid but he's like now he's like dating you. Yeah. That sounds

that sounds very inappropriate. Have you seen Big? Yeah doesn't Elizabeth Perkins Perkins they don't they don't have intercourse. Yeah, she slams them. They do.

Not on camera, but they slam. But I just remembered something, just if I could go back to Shazam. You may. There was a TV show. Can you just take her back to that part of the show really fast? Sure, coming right up. In the 70s, there was a TV show called Shazam. That's what I was thinking of when I said

I was in the Shaquille O'Neal movie. Oh, okay. You were in that TV show. I watched that TV show. Okay. That's a great start for us. If the TV show does a good job, it really feels like you're in it. Yes. So are we...

Kevin, does that do anything for you that you watch does she watch this show i don't think so uh could you're here's the this is the crazy thing kevin is obsessed obviously with with fame uh but he will not let his girlfriend be famous. I know. So are you always negging her? Are you doing that? He refuses to let her pursue projects. And she, of course, wants to be famous for singing and dancing and sports. sports but but kevin refuses to let her pursue these things because he i guess he like he wants to like possess her like he holds fame on this pedestal and he doesn't want her to have that power over him well that's understandable thank you his okay actually martha's growing on

me it's understandable in that I understand it Like I do I can see the entire psychology It's a clear concept But at the same time Understandable can also mean Like I agree with that idea Right

Did you know about that meaning? I do I guess on some level I know that this isn't very feminist of me, but I do think that. The man should be more famous in every relationship. And if you have to tear down your partner in order to keep them wanting to be with you, that's how far you have to go for love. And if that's what you have to do, who can judge somebody for undermining and double-crossing their partner

in order to stay in a relationship? I guess that's true. Who gave me the authority to say that Chef Kevin should not undermine and double-cross his partner in order to keep the relationship in its current state where he is a tyrant what if this is his only shot at love and that's likely is and okay that gives me an idea i shot a love with Tila Tequila. Okay, so she got pretty famous pretty quickly. MySpace.

And she did that show. Okay, here's an idea. Oh, yes. We do a show like that for you, shot a love with Tila Tequila. But everyone we get to do the show and potentially marry you is like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten. And then.

And then they're like doing this show for like, you know, publicity and like, like just to do it. But then at the end of this you have married a huge star and that is a way to get very famous. That would be great. They'd be slightly more famous than you, but that matches

your ideal version of a romantic relationship in which the man is the famous one. I love that idea and it sounds like my best shot at being successful i do have a just to be on your side for a second and advocate for you guys what if you um if you can get brad pitt and tom cruise and kirsten dunst for that show. Antonio Banderas. Antonio Banderas. What if you got them instead for this show and deleted my episode? Instead of just doing your episode at all?

Yes. Ooh, that's faster. Oh, okay. Kevin is taking notes. Interesting. Okay. What about, so I had a question, and this is just maybe lucky for us at this. Have you been

kissing on Jordan Woods? Wait, who's Jordan Woods? Okay, that's okay. And also, that's honestly what Tristan is saying. Oh, no kidding. He's like, wait a minute. Is this The Bachelor? No. Pretty close. But yeah, it's starting to feel like it.

In the same area where it's like it is people who are in America that we're talking about. And it's one man and more than one woman. Yes. Is it Temptation Island? Okay. No.

Close. That is not in America because some of the people are on TV. So we're getting geographically farther away. Okay. But the kissing component, yes, is still there. Am I saying that name right? Jordan? Yeah.

Is it The Bachelorette? No. We would have said yes if you had said The Bachelorette. It was The Bachelorette. We would absolutely have let that one go. We would have said close enough, yeah. What else is... Give me another hint.

Okay, alright. This could be fun. Jordan... How do I give a hint? Do you have any hint ideas? Brett? Woods. Jordan Woods?

It's not a hint. It's not a hint about her name. That's the one piece of information that we have. That we're firm on. So we're not trying to give her a hint to guess the name. That is what she has already heard. This is the kind of stuff Kevin likes. Kevin,

he doesn't care how you get famous and he almost prefers it if it's through some form of infidelity. But there isn't that many people who are famous for like guessing names, really. Oh, yeah. Except for John Carpenter, the first winner of Millionaire. Ah, yeah. What if that's my hook? His name was John Carpenter?

I don't think so. No, it couldn't be. What if I could become famous? I directed the thing, so i guess i'll say c go ahead i'm sorry i interrupted my but you see why he had to do that no i do and i feel like my what i was gonna say is it is it's is not a good idea i was gonna hit me with it i'll tell you well what if i what if i became the first person to become famous for guessing names correctly? That you can guess any name.

I got to say, guessing names was never really part of it. You've been given the name. Right. I'm not. Yeah. You're right. I'm totally off. So, wait.

Is Jordan Woods a girl? Yes. Yeah. Yes. This is really good. Is Tr Woods a girl? Yes. Yeah. Yes. This is really good. Is Tristan her boyfriend? Well, and this is sort of the sticky wicked, isn't it? Which is that they kissed and he was supposed to be boyfriends with the Khloe Kardashian.

Oh, is keeping up with the Kardashians. And having a baby with. And kissing on Jordan, who guess what? Is not Khloe. On the lips. And how do we know Jordan, do we think? Oh, she's married to Tiger Woods. Nope.

Okay, and that is a Brett. And I'm sorry I threw you off there. Brett, you fucked me over. Yeah. You threw me under. Brett is going to mislead you. Brett is here as an impish force of destruction. Okay, so we're at where, how do we know Jordan Woods?

Yes. She is friends with the other one. Oh, Kim Carly. Kylie. And my hint for that would be lip kit billionaire. Wait, is Kylie famous for a lip kit? What is she even famous for? And that was a classic bit

that we did. Do you remember that episode of Hollywood Handbook where we talked about why is Kim Kardashian even famous? That's when we used to do opening segments for the show. Yeah. And Sean said that Kim Kardashian's butt looked like a peach. And is that something

we would do today? Hard to say. Couldn't say. Certainly not now because we already did it once yeah i don't think it's wrong i don't you're just well you have i'll be honest a lot of really fucked up well let's dig into this a little bit your views have surprised me uh your ideas about relationships, gender, and just morality are completely warped to the point that I'm scared. To just be sitting across from me. I will say, though, that will spike listenership for sure. The controversy. It's like Alex Jones on Joe Rogan. Exactly.

Exactly like that. Could you go on Joe Rogan when Alex Jones... And he's from Austin, which you were from as well. I... The... The fury and hatred I feel towards Alex Jones. I can't...

Because he's stealing a lot of your stuff. He's stole all my bits. And now he's famous for it. And I hope that he gets chased by a flat cat in front of a bus and gets run over. I'm sorry to say. And then the cat survives because it's so easy to just stay right under the bus.

He flattens himself under the bus. And then he raises his... So the mechanics of this work. Oh, yeah. Wait, what does he raise? Fear for the cat. Well, the cat raises his paw in like a victory raise. But if you're standing on a certain side, you can't see it at all.

Right, because it's two-dimensional. You have to be facing. Yeah, that's exactly... I would love it. If I hear that Trump or Alex Jones or McConnell or Graham, if I hear that they fell off a cliff. Graham Norton? Graham.

I will dance. Wait a minute. Graham Norton? He's so Graham Norton. He is secretly He a bad guy? He's a bad guy. He's sort of like, I mean he reminds me of Brett.

Could we publicize for this episode that Martha basically threatened to kill the president. That is possibly a very juicy area. that Martha basically threatened to kill the president. Ah. Wait. That is possibly a very juicy area for us.

And threatened to dance at the end. Whoa. That's the thing that should be taken more seriously is the threat to dance. Because I can't. I know that, Sean, that you know how to get a hold of a flat cat, but I don't have those connections. So I can't actually get him.

That's part of my story. And Hayes, and there's clearly some bad blood about you not sharing the contact info of the flat cats with Hayes. But I don't have that information, so I can't set it up to have one of them chase Alex Jones in front of a bus. But if you do it, I'll take the fall. You mentioned the cliff as well. I hope they fall off a cliff. The flag cat chasing them off a cliff, part of it. Why aren't any Democrats luring them up onto a cliff?

That's one really easy way to handle. Fiscal cliff. Thank you, Brett. Oh, and I didn't want this show to get political because I felt out of my depth, but I realize we do have Brett, who is sort of a genius expert on a lot of this stuff. So the fiscal cliff. Now, he's introduced this idea. Brett, unpack that for us.

The fiscal cliff was like a deadline. It's a deadline to pass the. To sign the budget. Right. Yeah. And then if they pass it, it's like a lot of stuff. Don't get funded. Not to be self-centered again, but do you think I could get famous for threatening to push politicians off a cliff?

Well that's what we were trying to do is that basically the promo for this episode that I guess will run on like bitch sesh or whatever is like Martha Kelly has threatened to basically lay out her plan to assassinate the president on Hollywood Handbook

she has a detailed plan in which she describes exactly the steps she's willing to take. And that would ideally, it would be bad for you. Or would it? Well. Is fame ever bad? Right. Right.

Wow. Jordan Woods or Tristan Thompson or Chloe or any of the many people we mentioned who will certainly still be topical in April when this episode is allowed to be released. Well, what do you think Kris Jenner would say about it? Oh, goody. You know what I mean? I'm not, yeah. So let's check in with Kevin. Just like what we have out there so far.

Maybe reality show where she marries Tom Cruise and Antonio Banderas. Maybe we figure out a way to get you and Shazam. I'm still sort of working on it. I think it comes out like April 8th or something like that. Maybe she is like threatening to kill the president. You know what actually would really be helpful is if you did it before this episode came out. And then we say that this will be used in court because this is you laying out the plan. laying out the plan.

So is there a way, Sean, that you would feel comfortable sharing the contact information for the flat cat? The cat has to be, is like a big part of the plan. We're assuming that people are going to be running from it. Yeah, they're really scared of the cat

in your version. Right. He's not very big. And he doesn't move. He kind of blows around. So it's hard to get him. And he's a drawing. I mean, I should say.

This is really upsetting. He's Garfield. This is disheartening. If you notice, Garfield is flat. Every time you look at him. People talk about him being very round, but really, if you do try to get a look behind him do try to look behind his side or ever see behind him, he's completely flat. Okay, but mitigating factor, I have heard you say he is a nasty cat.

And so he would for sure chase somebody in front of a bus. Okay, but you have to be holding him up and running at the person. If he is going to be just in terms of a bus. Okay, but you have to be holding him up and running at the person. If he is going to be, like, just in terms of... And my words have boomeranged on me. Do you think that if I... Does this sound like I would have a legitimate defense in court to not be executed for a capital offense?

I'm sneaking up behind any, really at this point, any Republican politician or Alex Jones, and I'm carrying Garfield. Garfield, yeah. And I pretend that he jumps

out of my arms at them, but I'm actually throwing him because he can't jump because he's a cartoon. He's a drawing. Are you throwing one of the books? One of the compilations? I'm throwing a book,

a paperback book of Garfield. I'm just going to quickly look up the name of one of those. I want to get it right. I do. One of those rectangular paperbacks. No, not the name of Garfield's owner. Everyone knows what that is. He's going to look up one of the names of the books.

I believe the first one was maybe called Larger Than Life. I had that one. I had all those books. Interesting. Would any one of the four of you be willing to play a part in this to help me make it happen? You're worried that some of these compilations are going to be too heavy for you to carry by yourself.

Yes, for sure. Garfield at large. That was pretty close. That fat joke about him, and as someone with a very overweight cat, this is a sensitive area, but he's fat because he loves lasagna if one of you can be carrying a lasagna and hand it did you see pritzy's honor

uh not in a way that i'm gonna know whatever you're talking about but i think technically yes it was on angel It was Angelica Houston. I know the broadest stroke. I had a lot going on at the time. Well, Kathleen Turner throws a fake baby at a bodyguard in order to distract him long enough to murder somebody because she's a hip person. So that's what one of you could do with lasagna.

Hand it or toss it to the target, and then they see Garfield in my arms, and that's why they're afraid of him, because they know he's coming for the lasagna, that they didn't... And this is reminding me of Pritzy's Honor in a way in which I've completely lost the thread. I'm trying to remember...

That's what's familiar to me. No, I get it. So someone has to lure whoever this person is up to the edge of a cliff and then also hand them a lasagna we don't really take stands on whether it's good or bad to be evil do you know what i mean so So it's, it's uncomfortable for me for you to talk about some of these politicians as if everyone just agrees that like being evil is bad, but this is just for, you know, the show,

it would obviously be like a huge deal if she, I would love, ideally a bunch of people as a promotional opportunity. Yeah. I'm a hundred percent behind it because i'm always in favor of this show being bigger than the doughboys well i think that if i could manage to do these crimes you could have your on your hands a new ted bundy. Yes, it's so big right now. Ted Bundy special.

The freaking, like a dude. You could be basically the new Dirty John. Ted Bundy. Legendary snack status. Oh my. What a complete snack. I'm loving

watching this handsome man. You could be as famous and sexually desired as Ted Bundy, Dirty John. No, who's Dirty John? Dirty John? Oh, well, first of all, check out Wondery. They're making some great podcasts. I don't know why you're on here, Wolf. Go on one of the guests on one of

their shows about murderers. Go on to Wondery and be involved in a murder. That's who will do the story of you. So they Dirty John is doing a trick. He's wearing scrubs and he goes, just being a doctor the other day. And everyone goes, by all

means, leave him in my house. That is kind of the story wait they say by all means do what in my house? live in my house have sex oh and then does he murder them?

well no I don't want to spoil but he doesn't he's just marrying everyone. Dirty John. Dirty John, yes. He's one of those.

He's almost everyone in the world. Yes. He is an adult friend out there to be found. I cannot solve this mystery. You're not an adult friend finder? No, but I heard about it yesterday. Oh, no. You heard about it yesterday and you made that face when I brought it up?

What I thought, when you said he's an adult friend to be found, I thought you were saying that there's a series on Netflix about him trying to meet people. I'm not. on Netflix about him trying to meet people. I'm not... Martha, can I say something? When we initially corresponded about you doing this show,

one of the things you said was, I'll try not to be too much of a spaz. Yeah. What do you think of when you hear about a spaz? What kind of energy are you thinking about? Well, I'll tell you, it might not.

It might not. It might. To me, my version of being a spaz is that being so nervous that theory I was going to be late anyway but then I missed my first freeway entrance and then I got on the wrong direction a freeway going in the wrong direction

twice and that because I was nervous I was already late and that was part of me spazzing out was not paying attention to what i was i'm loving this and i'm sorry that happened to you i'm i've always had a suspicion that when every other for a famous person who comes on this show is late which they almost always are completely disengaged as well because they're so nervous to meet us so excited to to meet us. They're missing freeway entrances. Oh, we're going to see the boys today.

Maybe that's what we're finding out. It sounded like you were starting to say something. Yeah. I had the same idea. I feel like my only ally at this point might be Bosh, but he... He is having a big sleepy.

He's got his back to me. He's snoozing. Well, he can't look. So, yeah, that was the other part of the correspondence was just it was immediately that you were excited to meet Bosh. I am still hoping that... How many animal accounts would you say you follow? I don't know, because I usually... Some of...

Technically, they're people accounts, but all they post is their animal, and then some of them are animal. But, like, Dog Solutions is... It sounds bad. It's so good. Supposedly, it's a count written and run by dogs and they just... Okay.

I'm with you on the supposedly. Well, you know, prove them wrong. Why don't you prove that it isn't a dog? Yeah, prove that it isn't a haze. Now I'm teamed up against you. Okay, I was just going with what you said. But are they solving

it's solutions for dogs it's well it had the the header picture is a dog with one of those um phone operator headsets on in front of a computer and it's just saying, like, we have your solution for whatever, for anybody or anything. And then it's just tweets written poorly. Yeah. As a dog would. That's why I believe it's really written by a dog. So the dog's doing, like, customer support, basically. And just promoting the brand of dog.

Just that dogs are great. And are you a financial participant in dog solutions um i would it would be great just for transparency if you kids i well i subscribe to their twitter account so if that helps them get any kind of um advertising on so i you know initially the idea was can we make martha famous enough to be on the show? But now we've shifted slightly into, can we make dog solutions popular enough that she can make money off it? What I was thinking when I was driving here late and filled with shame was when you messaged me last night, I should have said I won't be any good tomorrow because I'm going to be working late. But I thought.

We would have bullied you into doing the show anyway. Well, I thought if I didn't do it, I would never get another chance to do it. And if you're the kind of person who is in a TV show like Shazam, you feel like it's worth trying even if it doesn't turn out good. It's better to permanently ruin an opportunity by trying it when you're not ready. This is good. This is what we used to do, Hollywood advice. Scoop through your freaking notepads. This is good. This is what we used to do, Hollywood advice.

Scoop through your freaking notepads. Scoop through, get the freaking stuff. You have to try and potentially never get asked back and possibly even create some anger that lingers in the people who asked you. Because if you don't do that, who knows? You'd forget. At least now you'll remember me. It won't be in the way that i would have hoped what one of the most memorable episodes we've ever done and you are welcome back anytime

but we do need a signed note from your doctor saying that you've had a full night's sleep and we also might have like another guest on at the same time of Of course. It can't just be always Martha's on the show. And this is another Kevin. This is Kevin. Kevin would never ever let that happen. Sometimes we have a guest who maybe we're friends with or we just think is funny, who's not necessarily a huge name, and we'll say that we want them on.

And Kevin will go, maybe they could be a guest with someone else. Maybe PFT could be on the show as well. Okay, I feel like we're kind of angling very specifically. Now, we have stolen... I should point out for all the people that didn't like Tom Sharpling when he was on the show and are just absolute fools and said nasty things about him online that made him upset, and now he doesn't like our show anymore. I should say that what you've been enjoying of our new chef kevin

impression is actually tom's ap mike just doing ap mike and it's such a funny voice it's so good to just make the person you're doing an impression of sound not credible at all that uh we've stolen it but we do need a new sorry uh it reminds me we do need a Tom. Because he won't do the show anymore. We need someone to be on the show 15 times a year. I have mixed feelings because if I could get away with it, I would hide under this table when you all leave the building and be here every time you record. Okay, you don't have to do that. You can just come back.

It would be fun to do that. It's fun to get away with stuff. Okay, it seems like you just have to do that. You can just come back. But I would like, it would be fun to do that. It's fun to get away with stuff. Okay, it seems like you just want to do that anyway. It's fun to trick people. That seems independent from the show. Okay, you just like being tricky. I like being sneaky. Just tracks with the Trump plan.

But I also, I can't believe anyone would talk shit about Tom Sharpling. So on the one hand, I do want to steal his spot of being a recurring guest. I do want to steal his spot of being a recurring guest but on the other hand I want to punch in the nose anyone who said anything bad about him online so I can't

I understand that but it would be helpful if you would say something very nasty about him for just getting a clip clips are sort of the currency of social media just like getting the like a clip like yeah a clip

yes clips are sort of the currency of social media I haven't heard him say anything that made me think anything

mean so can you give me some material to think of an insult about okay and I'm sort of

your writer's room at this point yes okay alright he's talking about Mike Love a lot Okay, and I'm sort of your writer's room at this point. Yes. Okay, all right. He's talking about Mike Love a lot. Oh, no. The Beach Boy?

Yes. Well, then, no wonder people are mad at Tom. I fucking hate the Beach Boys. No, okay, sorry. He also doesn't like Mike Love. Oh, and to be fair to Mike Love, I don't know why I hate him. I think I heard he's a Republican. No, but okay, we're getting off track here. You are not supposed to be agreeing with Tom.

You are supposed to be saying nasty things about Tom specifically. Well, I will say that when he was starting the show Grease Nose and Eggs, Grease Nose Eggs, I did think that he could have tried harder. Thank you. To make it a hit. Because it could have been an easy. He is going to get genuinely upset about that. Well, it was an easy, it would have been an easy hit.

It would have been number one if he had put any effort into it. One of his recent topics was overheard conversations. I love eavesdropping. But isn't it a violation of privacy to express it on the show? And wouldn't that have been something nastier to say than that you love it? Martha, I feel like giving Tom a note of try harder is perfect for try month. And this is like my idea. Just wrapping it up.

But I would like to just say, as you're trying to wrap it up and having gotten here late, now I'm going to try and make you stay when you don't want to. I'm only saying he should have tried harder for Grease Nose Eggs. I'm not saying as an artist as a whole he should try harder. Sure. Okay, just watering it down a little bit. I'm a big fan. We'll have to cut this.

I'm a big fan of Tom Sharpling. Okay. Sean, are you texting Tom Sharpling right now? No, I was looking to see another Garfield title, but I realized that they are all in Spanish. One thing I'm reminded of bringing it all the way back to Hayes' story is some people become famous as like Wiley Dufresne as a famous chef. Is there a Wicked Kitchen creation you could perhaps whip up on the show in order to help get you famous enough to be worthy of tri-month a food that like you can like usually it's a food that you can hit with a hammer and it like shatters yes and then

you eat it and it looks it's like made of something to be something else so it's like an apple made of strawberries i have something that i eat every day and it might not be good enough, but it's in the ballpark. It's a pancake, but it's made out of oat bran, Splenda, and cinnamon, and then with hot water. Okay, this is pretty wicked. And it seems— And I'm smashing that with a hammer? Well, you flatten it in a pan and then toast it until it's crispy. And then it's a sad pancake. But it's crunchy, so if you hit it, it would...

I crush it with my hand and then I break it into pieces. You know who'd like that? Garfield. And we all know that Garfield hangs out. Garfield listens to his gut. Garfield weighs in. And Garfield hogs the spotlight. And eats his heart out and feeds the kitty

and life to the fullest. And wow, there's a lot of Garfield collections. Choose the fat. So, oh wait, did you say Larger Than Life was the first one? That's what I thought. Here's something that you'll find to be amazing. This is his third book, and I'd like you to read me the title, and maybe also what he's saying. Okay.

The title is Garfield Bigger Than Life. Wow. And it says, he is thinking, I'm fat and I'm lazy and I'm proud of it. Wow. And it says he is thinking I'm fat and I'm lazy and I'm proud of it. Wow. That's funny. He's the original body positive icon.

The 46th one is called Garfield spills the beans like in the story. Remember the cats? Yes, he got the cats who fell into the beans at Chipotle.

Bye.