Hollywood Handbook - Mary Holland, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Hayes and Sean give another update about their pilot and address a couple of super fans. Then, funny lady MARY HOLLAND comes by to talk about hot sauce and getting arrested, and then play a game of "Queue and A". Finally, Hayes and "Sean" bring out the Popcorn Gallery to ask Mary about being sweaty, movies, and tattoos.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. and I turn around and Philip Roth says, I am. And I'm like, what does he mean, you know? And then I go, oh, I realize. I said, no, Philip, I'm here, you know, with Bijou Phillips. I wasn't saying be a Jew, Philip. You know, because I would never tell someone what religion they should have or anything like that. I'm so open-minded. No, that would be very, very offensive thing.

Yes. Yeah. But he's, but, and he wasn't, and to his credit, he wasn't riled up. He just said, well, I am. I am. Right. And I said, well, I'm a Buddhist, but I'm not going to go around and tell everyone, you know.

All you were doing. I'm a Native American, but I've just recently read about Buddhism and I've decided I kind of am that too because I hate suffering you can be both well and you can and these days you can because there's so many

there's hybrid cars and there's everything is combined I'm so sorry that that happened to you that people thought that you were doing something weird when really you were just screaming a woman's full name to get her to leave the bathroom. Bijou Phillips!

Get out here right now! And you better not be flossing in there. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? That's like a football version. It's a guy who's doing the announcement monster trucks. We wanted to follow up on, we told you a few weeks ago, about our pilot, formerly Untitled Engineer Cody Boy Project, formerly Whites and Golds, formerly Baby Grandpa, formerly Untitled Bat Kid Dog Project, and now it is currently that.

It is still... It's Bat Kid and Dog, yes. And I think the last you'd heard, we were making some compromises artistically, which is always part of the game and a lot of times it uh is for the best so we weren't positive about the footage that we got some of the footy was a little rough you never know especially with the effects um but the full edited version screened just yesterday for all the studio heads and all the biggest A-list stars.

And people peed from laughing and it made them do – Being scared. Yes, from being scared. And that was never our intention. We don't like to do that. But to see that emotional response almost made me understand partially why some people do it. Want to look at a ghost.

Yes. Although that's not for me and I only ever see a ghost if I've been tricked. It is okay for the people who like it. Go ahead and like it because anything, whether you're doing a pee because you're laughing or because you're so scared, it's just nice to do that. The effects turned out amazing, the effect shots.

It looks fucking insane. I mean, absolutely incredible. And at some points felt like I was inside the Bat Kids car with him. If you use the trick where if you take a little Hot Wheels car and film it with a normal size camera, it looks like a big car. Oh, yeah. And you can throw it. Throw it, bounce it off of a trampoline. I mean, you can make it do all kinds of tricks that you canounce it off of a trampoline. I mean, you can make it do all kinds of tricks that you can't necessarily do with a big car.

And you just move the camera in so close. And it only gets a little bit of your hands. And you just draw the driver's face on it. And it looks fucking amazing. And so we couldn't be more thrilled and i will admit now i had my doubts at certain points but we crushed it we've got a great piece of footy here on our hands and we have some uh we have some good you can probably hear me smiling yes so we have some good news. You can probably hear me smiling. Yes. We have some good news. You can go ahead. Well, you know, it's the announcement that you expect when someone has a great pilot, and that is that the network likes it so much, they have decided, drumroll please, Drumroll, please. Not to do it this season, but instead to roll this project into perhaps a future year or more likely a series of films. We have 18 great minutes of footage that they said would work better cut into a bunch of movies rather than just being a pilot.

So we don't have to reshoot anything. They can take these 18 minutes now and make a lot of really good movies out of them. Yes, and what I was so excited about was even just looking at some of the still frames and being like, imagine this as a poster. And that is sort of the ultimate achievement because you are always trying to make art so um thank you for taking this journey with us but you guys are get to now be a part of this as well and that was sort of our goal Cool shingle that we ordered. Those turned out very nice.

It's a lot of mentioning now for them on the show. Yes. And so now I think this is a good time for us to kind of part ways. Don't you think? Just like we'll keep doing our show and you guys can do your... They've almost graduated in a way. Yes. It's bittersweet, but it's mostly sweet and best of luck with everything.

Because it's just like between we got the birthday cards from Anastasia. And she called into the call-in show. And now we got the t-shirts. And so it's like. Are you saying the Popcorn Gallery on stage? Yes. It feels like it's sort of. It's like what's the next thing?

And that's when you start to get a little nervous. You know, when it has to be stepped up every time. It feels like that's when you get into territory where it could be a little bit scary with and i think america's ready for the next tim treason on the story of ego um because yeah it is terrifying to imagine what they want now in exchange for so much of an investment um and I'm imagining some of the stuff now, and I'm not willing to do that. We have a great guest today.

Mary Holland is here. She has done comedy, and she has been on stage. And she's going to come talk to us, me and Sean, on the show, Hollywood Handbook. So, I do the putt, not too hard,

not too soft. Pass the penguins into the polar bear's mouth. I turn to Marsha Gay Harden. Say, now where's that kissy you promised me? She says, okay. She gives me a kiss. Suddenly there are three teeth, loose teeth inside my mouth.

Oh, no, she didn't. And so, and I had seen her kind of like working on something I thought was a gumball. Uh-huh. Yeah, she's venturing around in there. But only one of them was hers. Two of them were, we took them all out and like tried to organize whose was whose. Two of them were mine. Okay.

And I have been losing them at a furious pace over the last two weeks. But they're growing back in pretty fast, too. Yes, they grow back in almost instantly. So that is not as concerning to me as Marcia doing another one of her easy money routines where she wrenches around, loosens a tooth, gets in some bet she knows she's going to lose, gives you the kissy, and then, oh no, guess who gets the dental bill? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh, and it's you.

Because it's whoever has the tooth. Whoever gets the tooth in their mouth, then all of a sudden you're paying the dental bill? Mm-hmm. I'm sorry, Marsha Gay Harden, but I don't play that game, and you shouldn't either, Hayes, from now on. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, and it's our guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. And what up, what up? We have a guest that we're very excited about today.

Mary Holland is here. Hi. Thank you so much for coming to be on the show with us. Hey, thank you for having me. The reason we're so excited is we tried to have you two weeks ago and tried to have you last week. Last week, that's right. And you say yes, and you say no, you say yes again, you say no again.

Yeah. And it built a lot of anticipation so that now I've never been so excited for a guest just because I thought it wasn't going to happen. Right. Well, you know, that was all a part of it. That's part of, and we'll get into this more, but that's part of succeeding in Hollywood is the tease. Yes. Is the tease.

But part of the tease is eventually you do have to give it up. Yeah. And that's what you're doing here today. And that's what I'm doing here today. I'm giving it up. I'm putting out on the show. Yes, but you've got to make them hungry for it. Yeah, absolutely. If one wants to be remembered as tasting well, one must leave them hungry for more. Exactly.

So even when you put out, hold something back. But it was totally fine because we got to do a great listener call-in episode last week. Oh! Which was, I really think, just as good as a normal episode. Almost better than having a guest is to have a bunch of people

who couldn't be guests. I mean, that to me is the ultimate show. Calling in often with nothing specific to say. Just excited to hear the sound of their own voice. Yes, to hear themselves through their phone and then listen again

later to themselves not knowing what to do. Right. Right. So that was a good episode and this one's going almost as well. What was keeping you being so busy? It was a number of things. Do you want to open up your calendar? Yeah.

I'll open it up right now. This will actually be really interesting for the Scoop Troop, who like to hear scoops about the news. Yeah, what does a successful Hollywood starlet's calendar look like? You know, they always want to know. Absolutely. Do you prefer star because it's not gender specific? I do prefer star, yeah. Yes, well then let's say star from now Absolutely. Do you prefer Star because it's not gender specific? I do prefer Star.

Yes. Well then let's say Star from now on and I'll have you know we've had a lot of female guests and I think that makes us very brave and front runners.

Mmm. There was one of the dates that we were scheduled to record I believe I was in South by Southwest. Oh wow.

Okay and that's what it looks like when a star has a calendar is you have directions in it. Right. We were. I was in South by Southwest. Okay, and that's what it looks like when a star has a calendar, is you have directions in it. Right. I was in the direction of South by Southwest. We were there as well. You may not have seen us because we were so busy

in sort of some of the underground rooms. Yeah. There's a lot of... We recorded from there two weeks ago, but we decided not to mention it. No, no, no. I hate making people feel like they're somewhere else. This podcast, to me, should be comfort food.

It's mashed potatoes. It's not some sort of chili that's too crazy. So we do our South by Southwest special episode. Big audience, big crowd. And we say, please be quiet. No one make a peep. We want people to think that we're here in the normal studio. Sure. We gave people decorative pillows to laugh into and to bite on as they got too excited. Wow.

But that seems like, I would think if you're recording with a live audience, you would want to hear those laughs, but you guys don't. No, it's too scary. Right. No, it's too scary. Because people think that there's a bunch of people in their car. If they're listening in their car, suddenly they think there's a hundred people laughing in the car. They pull over, they turn around, or they just crash in a telephone pole. Yeah, because there's nothing more nightmarish than people laughing at you.

Extra people, yes. In a car. In a car. And laughing. Well, many of our fans' cars can't fit that many people, and there already is maybe seven people riding in the car, so if they're hearing new laughs that they don't know, that means there's some real danger.

Too much weight for the tires. A lot of them ride on, well, I guess it's known as a gypsy bus. I don't know. That's not the preferred nomenclature these days. Yeah, we don't say it, but I don't know what else to call it. Is there a new word for that if we figured it out? It's just a guy with a big car who goes up and down the main road back and forth. Is it a Romanian-American bus or something?

Yeah, yes. And you whistle at him. And he'll pick you up? And he'll pick you up for just a few rand. Just a couple rand, whatever you have on you. Man, I'm going through these toothpicks fast. One of them I dropped on the ground. This one's all splintered.

Almost wounded my sensitive little tongue. But it's not because the toothpicks are too spicy for you, right? No, nothing's too spicy for me. I could listen to a podcast from South by Southwest. You know, I could have a spicy chili like that. I'm not straight mashed potatoes, although I do think they're good. You do mashed potatoes with, do you like hot sauce? We're big hot sauce nerds.

Have you had sriracha? Excuse me? Have I had what? Sriracha? I don't think I have. Oh, that's the best. Is that the best? That's the best hot sauce, and if you can eat it, it makes you tough and cool.

Oh. Well, I'll have to go try it. Ask for it at the restaurant where what's the what's the restaurant where it's right at the food yeah oh yes you go to the restaurant and just say whoa one sriracha they'll know what you mean and then when you put it on then people go that's a pretty interesting thing to like put it on other people's food i'll do i'll ask for sriracha yeah well you're not quite saying it right, but it's okay. It's a foreign word.

Sriracha. And so, you know, it's a great tasty treat. There's an almost silent D at the beginning. Yes. It should sound hard. Sriracha. Yes. Yes, it should sound like it hurts to say.

Well, we did an exciting experiment this week. It hurts to say. Well, we did an exciting experiment this week. You can learn a lot about somebody by looking at their cue. Talking about Netflix cue, of course. Obviously. And so this is a segment that we like to do on the show a lot called Q&A, the cue like Netflix cue. Do you have the theme for that, Sam?

What happened to it? I didn't ever get one or make one or know about it. Do you want to just do it? The Q&A theme song? Yeah. Q&A, Q like Netflix Q. Q like Netflix Q. Okay. Do you know this one? You don't know our theme for this segment? Well, that shouldn't stop you though. Should we all do it at the same time? Yeah, sure. We could all do it at the same time. Okay. Cue.

Cue. Like a Netflix cue. And A. So that's a theme song for this one. And we all traded Netflix cues. And one of the things I think is so interesting about Netflix is because we love science and math, they do these algorithms. And it lets you know what your tastes are. Maybe sometimes your Netflix knows you better than you know yourself.

tastes are maybe sometimes your netflix knows you better than you know yourself so i could learn more about mary from her netflix cue than i could from just saying what do you like right like for example should we just start with something here because we had to watch all the movies we got the yeah yeah you watch all of them right have a lot. You seem to like movies in the category. Well, it's funny, category, actually. The movies about cats that have human wives. Right. Yeah. And you would be surprised at how many movies there are about that.

I was surprised. I was very surprised by that. Yeah, both documentaries and sci-fi and romance. And, you know, really, it's actually a very classic love story. What is it about a cat having a human wife? And did you even realize that you had that sort of... No. Yeah, okay.

No, I was just, I was, no. You're just picking movies at random. On a Saturday night, when I'm sitting at home and I'm on my couch and I put up Netflix and I see a movie that I want to see, I just click it. I don't think, oh, I want to see another movie with that topic. I just click on a movie I want to see. Does that make sense? I'm starting to come around to it. I'd actually prefer a little more information about that.

If you could speak on that, please you could yeah actually speak on that so you're sitting on your couch okay and you you've got netflix open okay and and you're like how i don't have a tv oh then okay so first thing you have to do is even if you don't have a tv do you have a computer okay well i share one with my cousin sam because i don't like to be alone with it. Okay, then you should call Sam. It's that computer. Yeah, Sam has it right now. Okay, then what you would do first is you would ask Sam politely if you could borrow that computer. Did you say it's Saturday night?

Saturday night. Studio's closed. Okay, so what you need to do is you need to talk to the building manager first, and you need to ask if you can get the keys to the building so that you can see him. Lou's never going to go for that. I'll tell you what. He's a real hard ass.

I can imagine what Lou would say. I mean, if I bring him a big box of See's candy, but then it's like I got to stop at the girls before that closes. I'm supposed to eat a fresh tomato. Yeah, so Lou, yes. Is that Lou? Was that Lou? Yeah, so on Saturday night, he likes to carve out some time.

He's supposed to eat a fresh tomato. Well, then you can go get a fresh tomato. It's so much easier to get than see candies. Stop by the Gelson's, grab yourself a fresh tomato. Then you know, then you got to make an appointment with Lou, and you got to give him the fresh tomato. He'll give you the keys to the building it's almost like

a RPG game trading items anyway go on it's nerd stuff I don't know are you not in that scene you sort of have your reputation

as having been one of the girls at the mall in high school yeah that was me I was one of them yeah but there were more

than just one like i was just one of many girls at the mall yeah which uh sort of clique were you in i was in the hobby lobby like like craft craft clique yeah like i did a lot of um like i would cast spells and stuff oh okay like the craft okay. Like the craft. When you say the craft, you don't mean like making crafts. You mean like the film, the craft. No, I mean the Ferruza Balk. Robin Tunney, yeah.

Robin Tunney, yeah. But it does... Neve Campbell. Yes, Lest We Forget. Oh, best friends. Yes, let's start now. But it does... The crafts do require some actual crafts.

Sure. Pipe cleaners and googly eyes to make like a devil boyfriend. Yeah. Actually, you don't need googly eyes to make a devil boyfriend. If you just get some mini pom-poms, as long as they're textured, then they can serve as eyes. We'll agree to disagree on this one. You could use pom-poms, but if you're at the Hobby Lobby already, get some googly eyes. Anyway, we traded Fresh Tomato for the key to the studio.

You did. So you did that. Okay. So you're in. But now Sam's not here. So you have to call Sam because you can't just take his property without him knowing about it. It's okay.

It's my computer. I mean, I just don't like to be alone with it because I've heard they can watch you through it. That's absolutely true. I've had experience with that, actually. Yes. Yeah, anybody can watch you from it. As long as your computer screen is open.

Do I want to hear this story? Yeah, what was that experience? I feel like we keep getting sidetracked, but you've had experience with being watched through it. I'm keeping track of the diversion tree. So we can go as far as we want. Well, honestly, any time I open it. So I have a computer, and I have a computer. And any time I open it up, I know that there is someone on the other end who's watching me, and how do I know that?

And how do I know that? I get, like, so do you guys know about Gchat? Me? Oh, okay. This is, like, thug slang. Like how G's chat, how a real G chats to another G. Honestly, G chat is if you need to talk to a real life G, that's what you open.

This is not racist what I'm doing, but this is the only way to give this example is that you would be like, what's up, Holmes? And I hate that that has any racial implications, but a white dude could say that too and it used to be ours Sherlock Holmes used to be our guy

and now that's how it started now it's theirs and good luck now it mostly belongs to the G's and honestly G for me

stands for grown up and not it has no racial connotation at all it's grown up chat is what G chat is

and what's more grown up than bagging and sagging and uh and staying strapped you know i mean that's one of the most adult activities you can do so i agree staying strapped living large as a grown-up so you were talking to a g i was talking to a g on g chat and all of a sudden... Preparing, for example, to go to jail. You're not... Yeah. You don't know how to go to jail. You would need to get lessons.

Right. Maybe you've gotten in trouble for some sort of white-collar crime. And, you know, we all play around sometimes with opportunities, business opportunities that aren't necessarily on the up and up. And then when you get arrested, you've got to make friends with a G of some kind to prepare to go to jail. So what did he teach you? Or she.

Or she, I'm sorry. What did they teach me about going to jail? Well, first of all, you have to make room for yourself. That's a classic mistake of people who go to jail. Too much thinking about what they can do for other people. Yeah. You have to take time for yourself when you're there because honestly, yeah, it's so much. There's a lot of demands on you to participate and be supportive and like everyone listen to

your cellmate and and get along with the guards and ask them about their lives and make them apple pie and when do you do that for yourself so that was a good piece of advice as far as prison goes is like hey take care of you you. And you were being watched through this conversation. Absolutely, yeah. And he told me he was watching me. Oh, he was the one watching you. He said, I am watching you right now and I can tell you you need to take time for yourself. And he was

right because while I was talking to him, I had my date planner open and he could see all the lunch dates I had made. And I was talking to my mom on the phone and I had, I do have a cat and my cat was like clawing at me, needing my attention. Okay. This is, if we could circle back for a second.

Uh-huh. This is a clue actually because it's a lot, it's like a happy ending and a lot of these movies that you like where the female protagonist gets to marry the cat i don't understand okay let me see if i i'm trying to i'm starting to make a connection here you have a cat yourself. No. Oh, I thought you just said that you did have a cat. Oh, yeah, I do. Just moments ago, yeah. Okay. In a lot of these movies in your Netflix queue, there's a woman who owns a cat who has a secret crush on it

but doesn't know how to... I mean, don't say no. I've seen the movies. These are what the movies are about. That's exactly what the movie these are what the movies are about that's exactly what the movie is but i also don't know where you're going with this haze i and if you just bear with me okay this is a connection that i'm starting to make and it's just the beginning of something i'm gonna give you just enough rope to hang yourself counselor you have your own cat

it seems like if you would spend a lot of time watching movies about women who get to marry their cats that it might be that you might want to marry your cat yourself objection relevance you don't think sustained you don't think that's right that's sustained sustained sustained you don't think that's... Sustained? Sustained. Sustained. You don't think that's relevant? I honestly, like, Hayes, I feel like... You know what? And this brings it back to Hollywood. This is classic example of a man putting his own agenda on a woman.

He's trying to define you, isn't he, sweetie? He's trying to pigeonhole me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He's trying to pigeonhole me. Yeah. Yeah, Papa. Yeah, you can't do that, bro. Okay, that's good. And I love learning about this on the show. And I love to get a lesson from every woman we have on here

because I do think we have a lot to teach each other. Absolutely. And now do we trade lessons? Yeah. Step one is an open dialogue. I would say as a man. Step two, put a hole in the box. No, I'm messing around.

No, go ahead, Hayes. You were talking. That's good to defuse it a little bit. It doesn't have to be intense because the tone is my only thing just speaking as a man yeah i watch the tone a little bit and in conversations like this you know it can just be right just just say it it doesn't have to be in that kind of you can accept that can't you don't make me feel i don't need to feel stupid i'm not stupid i know i'm like a smart guy so it's like a tone you see what i'm saying i think so yeah

okay i think i understand he is smart i've seen him name uh every scorsese movie in order oh my god do it now okay the bullies, that's one of my favorites. The gun shooter. The pasta. Shutter Island. And the flying million dollars owner. Oh, right. The flying million.

Oh, because I remember that one because it was about an owner of a million dollars who... Made a big... Right. Some sort of flying contraption. Yeah. And it was back in the day when there wasn't any flying contraption. Like it was a period piece. Yeah.

Yeah. So we're in Earwolf Studios. We decided that we can take Sam's laptop. This isn't sort of the turn-by-turn RPG we're playing. Yes. I guess I assume I'm accompanying you on this and we'll watch it together. What did she say? It's Saturday night?

Saturday night. We're hanging. I have a two-person lovesack. You're familiar with this product? Absolutely. It's not going to get through the door. Okay. You know those things.

Right. They're really big. I could take the beans out, put the beans through a few handfuls at a time, and then fill it back up. Yeah. They're going to get everywhere, though. They get very staticky in there because they're rubbing together in that enclosed space. Do we want to transfer them into smaller bags?

Sure. We could do that. But you could kill two birds with one stone if you guys are like wanting to make a dinner in a movie. You could take some of the beans.

Go to the restaurant. You can go to the restaurant. You can take some of the beans out and go to the restaurant and then offer to pay your bill with the beans. Okay, yeah. Because I've done that before.

That doesn't get me any closer to watching. Well, you're eating so that you'll have the energy to sit down in front of Netflix, and then you have to register for Netflix. I don't know if you already have or not. That's all Sam's territory. I mean, that's. Yeah. So you'll have to create your own account do you

have a credit card uh okay well that gets into sort of a complicated area you have a billing address um well see that is actually the that's the thing that makes the credit card question complicated wicket yes my dad don't want that kind of mail. If you write basement on an envelope... Yes, I live in a beautiful basement condominium beneath my father's home. And it's very nice, but he don't want that kind of mail. And it's hard to get them to put it in my basement window or in the hatch in the back, which I can get in and out of, but I wish it wasn't so noisy.

Because if it wakes him up, then where are you going? And it's a hole. Are you close with your father? Geographically. I mean, one floor apart. Yeah, I mean, it's so close. But like emotionally? It goes up and down, you know.

It changes a lot. I would say that it goes from a hard no to a like, I could see that being something someday. Yeah. Because I feel very close to my cat. Okay, yeah, I see that. Very close. How close?

I hesitate to bring this up Because I, you know I feel like I should have learned my lesson here What? But just as you bring up your cat Oh, no Well, I haven't even said anything yet i've got to agree with mary she just made a very no she made a very horny noise oh haze i don't know how to say it everyone sick man agenda oh haze sugar are you okay? You can't talk to her that way, my man.

I mean, it's like this is an adult woman, self-possessed star here in the studio. Thank you. And you are hammering her with your misogynistic agenda. It's true that a lot of noises that I hear women make, I do sometimes think are horny noises. And sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. How do I know? How am I supposed to tell the difference? Sometimes it's someone who's hurt, isn't it, Hayes?

Yeah, when I get hurt, it sounds a lot like when I'm horny. Of course, yeah, because they're both intense experiences. Oh, my knee! Oh, my knee. Oh, my knee. And that was when you skin your knee, which hurts, honestly. Why did you go to jail that one time? When you were going to jail, what'd you do? I stole crackers from... There was a lady.

And by crackers, I guess I mean her money. But I stole her money. There's a lady who lived across the street from me. Those white crackers on the bills. Yeah. Yeah, a bunch of old crackers. That's cool G terminology. Yeah, a bunch of old crackers. That's a cool G terminology. Yeah, a grown-up terminology, yeah.

Yeah, so she, like, lived across the street from me, and she, like, didn't go outside very much, and my mom was like, stay away from Mrs. Jenkins, you know, stay away from her because she's real grumpy or whatever. And I was like, oh, she's probably got a lot of money. So one night I kicked through the door and I had

a knife with me and I was like, you listen, you bitch. Give me all your crackers. Understandable. And she had a whole bunch of exotic birds in there. She was like taking care of a lot of exotic birds. Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

Okay, go ahead. And so I was like, you give me all your crackers. And she said, Polly, does Polly want a cracker? And all the birds, she thought I was a bird. And all the other birds thought I was too, and so they all started singing at me. And they got out of their cages, and they alighted on my bade.

Trying to be friends, yeah. And so I did finally get the money, but when I got out of the house, I got carried away a little bit because they all dug their claws into my shirt and flew. Just a little bit. Just a little bit because they all dug their claws into my shirt and flew. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. And I was like, gah!

And I wiggled my arms and they flew off. And that's a distress noise, Hayes, just so you know. Okay, because I really got the wrong message from that noise. So it's good to know. Yeah, that was distress for sure. It's like a prairie dog popping out of the ground. Hayes just hears that and he just goes rigid. Hayes, this is what I sound like when I'm horny.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So that's how you'll be able to tell the difference. That's a good scoop troop. Scoop troop, get out your pens.

Good lesson. So that was Q&A. Oh, yes. Q, like Netflix Q. Yes, and I feel like we did a lot of discussion of Netflix and of the Qs and all of that. And I think that people probably learned a lot. Of the cues and all of that.

I think that people probably learned a lot. And of course, Hayes, you had almost the opposite category from Mary's movies you liked was when little dogs pretend to be a big dog and the big dog is somehow fine with it. Yes. The big dog doesn't know how big he is. Yes. Yes. And if you've ever seen. He's willing to let the little dog be the boss. You ever see a movie like that?

Yeah. I guess you saw the ones on my list. Yeah, I saw the ones on your list. What was your favorite? My favorite was Dog Day Afternoon. Mm-hmm. And, of course, but I think my favorite favorite was the sequel to that, which was, isn't it hot?

Get a dog. And that's when that big storyline came up with the big dogs and doesn't know how big he is. Until he sees himself in the puddle. Right. And then that little dog is in big trouble. And then he falls in love with himself. Yes. And he loves how he looks.

It's sad. And he becomes how he looks. It's sad. And he becomes very egotistical and he just changes. Into Arfsisis? Yeah. Into the flower or something. Arfsisis was the third installation of that series. Yeah. I liked Smilla's sense of snow.

Do you know that was supposed to be Snowa's sense of smell? Yes. And then when it came out, they were like, they pretended it was on purpose. What was the name of that one again? Smell a Sense of Snow, but it was supposed to be Snow a Sense of Smell. Oh, oh, oh. Did you see that?

It's like the edge of tomorrow. I started watching it, but then my cat started licking me. And I got distracted. Right. Yeah, probably was hungry. Sam, do you have any of our theme songs today or what? Yeah, you have anything for us? I found that popcorn gallery.

Okay, well, I guess we have to do that. Lay it on us. Sean, explain what this is. Okay, popcorn gallery is a segment that we do on the show. Wait a second. I thought I said lay it on. I thought someone was supposed to be laying it on. Does it mean play?

Yes, that means play. Oh, this is an unusual thing. Oh, yeah. This is a different one. And fuck it, man. No, this will be. Well, let's hear it, I guess. Yeah.

I found it online, isn't it? Have we played this one before? I don't know. It's just the beginning? I've never heard this. It's on Andy Neeson. Oh, wait. Maybe I have.

Ooh, fluffy one. Andy Neeson. Oh, I have heard that. Yes. Such a thing as being a little too eager. So you didn't really get any information from that song, which we usually let the song take care of the explanation, but I'll just tell you really quickly and make it very simple.

Popcorn Gallery is a segment on Hollywood Handbook that we do where we let the viewers ask the questions, and the viewers are asking the questions about movies. Yeah, the movies is the reason, and we're not doing the peanut gallery because it's the popcorn gallery. And so it's a chance to connect with our fans about you. And also it's a chance to... Hayes, I'm lost right now.

I wasn't paying attention to the beginning. Hayes, I don't... Neither was I. Guys? You've got to marry. Are you guys okay? I need a minute with Hayes. Oh, my God.

Tears are pouring down your cheeks. He's what I do because I don't really know what the segment is, and I don't think I ever did. Okay. In a different song, and she's here. Sam, Sam, Sam, will you pretend to be Sean for a second? And I'll be me, and you be Sean doing the explanation. Now? No.

Okay. Okay, Mary, we're going to do a new segment. It's Popcorn Gallery. Sean, take it away. Okay, the Popcorn Gallery, I'm having a hard time explaining it. No, don't do an impression of real Sean. Do him doing a good job explaining the popcorn gallery. Oh, okay.

The popcorn gallery is where we take questions from people that listen to the show and then answer them. Do I start over? No, don't get scared of a cough like Sean would. No, just keep going all the way through. What just happened? Because I'm scared now.

Did you hear that? Just say, you are doing good. Questions? Oh, yeah. We take questions from people who listen to the show and then answer them. Uh-huh. Good job, Sean. And what? Sam, what do you think of that? And then answer them. Uh-huh. Good job, Sean. And, um...

What? Sam, what do you think of that? Duh. Okay, Sam, you're still stupid, and now we'll do the second bit. Let's take a piece of popcorn out of the bag. It becomes a question. Oh, and I eat it? Mm-hmm.

We have to take it out first, and then, yes, then we'll feed it. If I want a sweeter version of the question, can I ask for it kettle-cooked? Yeah, I guess. Well, do we have a kettle-corn sound drop? Yeah, I'll just dial up the Mark's kettle-corn sound drop, and my high school friend Mark records these sound drops. Too sweet!

Great, so I can ask for that anytime. I feel the question is too hard. Anytime you want. Okay, thank you. Here's a question from Greggy. Ms. Holland, do you get real sweaty doing improv comedy? It feels like I'm sweaty all theand do you get real sweaty doing improv comedy it feels like i'm sweaty all the time and i don't even do improv comedy um the answer the short answer is yes and the long answer is yeah a lot do you want to speak on that

kettle cook okay Kettle cook. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. It's like sugar on it or something. Here's a question from Ran Ran. Mary, what do you think about movies? Here's the thing. I have kind of a tough relationship with them i love them and but i also i also am like i have a hate i have a hate in my heart for anything that is not real life. Yes. You know? Because it's lying. Right.

Yes, it's lying. It's pretend. And I hate liars. Yes. I'm very religious, and I hate liars. It's the number one rule on that rock. It's like, thou shalt not lie. Yeah.

On that rock that he found. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess, like, but the other thing is, is that here I am trying to pursue a career in movies. Doing lies. But change it from the inside. I guess that's really what I'm going for is, like, I will infiltrate and destroy this fucking town. So you could be cast as Spider-Man's girlfriend. Or Spider-Man.

Or Spider-Man. Or Spider-Man. Thank you. These seem to be the times we live in. That would really be amazing. I'd be more likely to be cast as Spider-Man anyway because of all the face stuff I have. That would require a full body costume?

Yeah, because I got a web on my face. Yes, yes. And I haven't seen that necessarily in photos, but once you got in the studio, and I did want to ask, I did want to ask, is that a web all over your face? I'm so happy to hear you say it because this whole time I was really struggling to figure it out or to look at anything else.

I got a tattoo when I was 12 of a spider web on my face. Yeah. And then whenever I work, I cover it with makeup, obviously. I imagine in jail that made you some friends. Actually, it kind of did the opposite. People stayed away from me a bit, or they would ask me favors and things. And that's why I say, take time for yourself. Stolen crackers aren't going to get you the bottom of a well.

People in jail would stay away from you because they thought maybe you were the one who captured them and put them in jail. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. So anyway. So yeah, I love-hate relationship. I guess love. Let's get a new – what kind of popcorn do you want to eat?

Buttery. Buttery. What kind of popcorn do you want to eat? Buttery. Okay, now this is more like it. Because here's the thing with the corn from before. It's not caramel corn, you know, like that kind of candy. But it's like, it's crazy sweet.

I don't know if it's sugar or what. This is normal to me. Okay, so that's, all right. So it seems like Mark likes the buttery popcorn better. Okay, going through these popcorns. A lot of questions about Hollandaise sauce. A couple questions about the country Holland. Oh, yeah. If you love Holland so much, why don't you marry it?

Guess you did, because that's who you are. If I would marry anything, it'd be my cat. Questions about... Okay. I'll stay away from that. Stay away from what? What do you mean? What are you talking about? It just seemed like she just

said... The thing I was saying all along was that she wanted to marry her cat and she just said that she would marry her cat. Okay. Easy. Here we go. No, take it. Hold on. Hang on.

Mister. I'll handle this cookie. Now. Now, Hayes. Take care of it, baby. Now, Hayes. Please, baby. You got to realize something.

Now, we're friends. Yeah. And we work together. I don't like to come down on you this hard i know but i can't watch you i'm trying i'm trying to do better a human woman i know strictly because she's a different gender than you you think she wants to marry a cat with basically no other evidence i don't know the rules now. I'm trying. I am trying to learn. But it just, it feels like every, I'm just on eggshells all the time with these new rules.

They keep moving the target. Yes. Yes. Every time I get situated, Bill Maher has more new rules. Yes. Every time I get out, they pull me back in. Yes. From. Yes.

From. In the heat of the afternoon. From the spaghetti boss. Oh, the pasta. Yes. The spaghetti boss. Yes. the spaghetti boss. Oh, the pasta. The spaghetti boss. The spaghetti boss in the movie, the pasta. Did we get a question? I thought we did.

Oh, no, we were choosing between all these good ones about Holland stuff. Questions about wild horses. No, we don't have all wild horses. It's just Mary uh I can speak for the group no that's they've specifically

asked us not to have you do that I mean I I can do it I like I know them I know that you

feel that way yeah I think we can just do here's a good one this one's from Velvet Revolver and Nico ooh Mary you're a comedian right how many just do... Here's a good one. This one's from Velvet Revolver and Nico. Mary, you're a comedian, right?

How many jokes do you do in a day? That's a really personal question. We could just go through today. Okay. How many... Oh, God. How many jokes did I do today? Well... It's 245.

So up to this point. Oh, up to this point. I didn't mean to throw you by saying what time it was. Yeah, I hate hearing about the time because then I just think about how my life has... Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Like, I'm slowly being tried out in front of me. It's okay, pizza box.

in front of me. It's okay, Pizza Box. I have made at least 50 jokes today. But now I want to clarify, these aren't like set-up punchline jokes, right? And that's old. That's the old model. That's the old model. These are truths that are not true that are heightened in some way.

Right. You know, and that's what I would consider a joke. So I've made at least 50, but on a given day, I would say that we're looking at thousands, baby. Slow day for you. Yeah. And you had to stop down so much to try to explain how we would get into the studio and all that stuff. And none of that was a joke.

Took away from the sort of joke stuff you were planning on doing. Well, exactly. I'm actually, I'd love to promote all my comedy. Oh, well, please take a moment to promote the tours. Yeah. You have multiple tours? Yeah. Multiple tours. Yeah. Yeah, you have multiple tours? Yeah, multiple tours coming up.

I'm going to be at the Chuckle Shack down in Lamprey, Minnesota on Tuesday. I will be at the Hee Hee Come On In And Laugh establishment on March 9th. he he come on in and laugh establishment on March 9th yes a lot of advance notice I'm going to round out my tour at the Volvo dealership

in Riverside later today. So it's Minnesota, a state yet to be named. It's Minnesota on Tuesday. It's a state yet to be named in 11 months. At the he-he, come on in and laugh. And then, yes. Establishment.

And then the Volvo dealership in Riverside. Yeah, I have a friend who works there. Okay, let's get one more. Do you choose a new type of popcorn? I choose caramel coated. Well, you know how I'm going to feel about this. I mean, I mentioned caramel coated popcorn in the last one. At least I know what I'm getting.

But I mean, I know that I expect the sweetness, but still, it's not popcorn to me. Do you know what I mean? Wow. Wow, those sound drops, huh? He's just not into sweets, it sounds like. I don't know if that's what it is. It's the bottom line. Yeah.

Here's a question from Anastasia Vigo. Hi, Mary. Hi. What kind of music was playing in your house as a kid? That was really sweet. To say hi back. So many of our guests ignore that part of the question. And what a nice...

They say, go away. Regardless of the music that was playing in your house as a kid, I think you were raised right. And that shows that. Now, what kind of music was playing in your house? Honestly, this is a kind of... And this is a true...

A truth. I mean, all of this is true, but this is extra true. You hate lies. I hate lies. It was like... I listened to this CD over and over and over again.

And it was called Sounds of Eagle Mountain and it was really beautiful you don't have to say that just because I'm here I mean it's very flattering that's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you, you know, because obviously I worked very hard for quite a long time

up there on Eagle Mountain with my tape recorder. No, truly, that CD really changed my life. What were some of your favorite things on it? What were the best sounds that I captured? I mean, one of them them was there was one called Fertility Dance. Yes, that's a wood thrush. There was one called

Naked. That was a grouse. And then there was one called Choices. That was me. That was you? God, you sounded just like a red-breasted robin. Yes.

Which is not native to Eagle Mountain. No, there's none of them on Eagle Mountain. Now, how did you do that? Yeah. I thought it was just the shape of the mountain

like an eagle head. Oh. You couldn't see it because you were on top. I'm in the middle of it, yeah. Oh, an eagle head. Oh. You couldn't see it because you were on top. I'm in the middle of it, yeah. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. So anyway,

that was the kind of music I listened to. And, oh, and Prodigy. Let's do one more. What's the popcorn now? The popcorn is white cheddar.

Smart food. Well, this bag ain't lying. I'm feeling pretty intelligent. Because I got this snack at a great price and it's tasty as all get out. See you next week. Wow. Mark is in a good mood.

He's doing really well. Well, I think we've discovered the secret weapon for him is cheese. Yeah, I guess so. He likes that. Here's a question from Marshall Mello. Merry, merry, quite contrary. How does your improv grow?

It's not done. With Aaron and Lauren and Stephanie Allen, when we get a TV show? Oh, no. Well, that's so kind of Of Marshall Mello Is that right? Yeah

Well thank you Mr. Mello Oh boy Miss Mello No it's a madam And she makes science stuff Excuse me Miss Mello

Girls can be Science as well Girls can do science And yes they can be As you know And they can be named that Of. Girls can do science and, yes, they can be. As you know. And they can be named that. Of course I know that. I love that little rhyme, first of all.

And second of all, I don't know, you know, but I know that I'm going to go ahead and speak for all the wild horses right now. And I'm just going to say exactly what our goals are as a group of people and um and I'm I'm just gonna you know what I'm just gonna say make a bunch of statements about say what you wanna say you guys know that song yeah yeah oh but go ahead what were you gonna do um i look i would obviously we'd all love it if we could be on television together i don't know if that's gonna happen we have here's the thing as part of our i guess you're right i guess we just have to go do it excuse me i have to make a call very generous of you to call

Marshmello's question a rhyme a little rhyme yes just a little rhyme Mary thank you so much for coming on the show thank you for having me I was really excited

to be here well it's been great having you not borne out by your behavior, but, I mean, you hate lies, so it must be true. It was a lot of fun. Rate us on iTunes. This is you we're talking to, Mary. Okay.

Rate us on iTunes. At least you can do. Okay, I'll rate you. Okay. Talk to us on the forums. Like our Facebook page. We don't have anyone who's ever been a guest on the show join the forums and become a frequent poster.

So that would be very nice. Very cool role for you. Yes. That's a very nice opportunity for you. And someone's got to get the pro version. Oh, right. Yes, that's right.

Okay. I guess it could be Debs, right. Yes, that's right. Okay. I guess it could be DevScoots. Yeah, it could be. Man, some people are real mad they haven't gotten the pro version yet, huh? Yeah. Who's mad? Joe McGurl? Oh, yeah.

He's got to buy the thing. Oh, yeah. He's got to pony up. Got to send a dose of Joseph. Yeah. And so what does DevScoots get? Well, I guess he gets it. That get? Well, I guess he gets a... You swallowed that whole toothpick.

I guess he gets... I love the sweet taste. I guess he gets a movie recommendation and just anything from your queue, Mary. Yeah. And just... A personalized movie recommendation using your own algorithm for DevScoots.

Ooh. Ooh. That sounds great. Yeah. So you say the movie now and say DevScoots name too? I say them. Okay. Yeah, it's not

it's not from Dev Scoots recommendation it's for he wins oh it's for yes oh you thought

you got a prize that's what I thought that's reasonable that's why I was eager to participate no this guy bought the pro version of our podcast

I see I see so this is a prize that he gets okay so I recommend a movie to him and I say Dev Scoots after okay

or anywhere in it so I recommend a movie to him and I say Dev Scoots after. Mm-hmm. Okay. Or anywhere in it. Okay, I recommend to you a film called Tiny Dev Scoots. Mm, Tiny Dev Scoots. What's that about? That's the name? It's about people who live in small homes.

Oh, okay. I thought you were going to recommend The Cat's Turnout's Wife. Oh, no, I don't. No. Bye. Bye.

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