Hollywood Handbook - Mary Sasson, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

Sean and Hayes have MARY SASSON come into the studio and it's about hair. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace (code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's me and one of the prawns from District 9. Yeah. And we're washing ashore. We had gone overboard from the cruise. You know Kumail did that big sick cruise for awards season? No, I was supposed to go on that, and I was on the wrong boat. Okay.

A different awards boat? was on the wrong boat. Okay. So I wound up... A different awards boat? It ended up being a different awards boat and not one that was successful. Okay. Do you want to say what boat it was?

What boat? Well... You don't have to. No, I will. It was for the Logan Paul suicide forest video. And the boat ended up sinking. Oh, wow. Because he dabbed so hard that he put a hole in the hull of the ship.

Yeah. And we started taking on water. And we also, I mean, we realized pretty quickly into the cruise, hey, what award would this even be up for? He was already in trouble. And it's not a film in the traditional sense. I mean, it's on, you know, it's recorded. Okay.

Yeah. I heard that was after he got in trouble that that was maybe a way that he was going to try and get out of it is by winning a huge award. Yes. I think that was the idea. It's like when a player does a big penalty in football and then they try to get the Heisman Trophy. This one was only Braunohler. Oh, no. Only Kurt Braunohler was there.

It was just you and him. It wasn't his jet ski stuff. Just me and him and this prawn. Oh, okay. So I'm trying to figure out games to do and him. It wasn't his jet ski. Just me and him and this prawn. Oh, okay. So I'm trying to figure out games to do and stuff. All of a sudden, you're the cruise director. It's a cruise around the world. It's like, okay, I guess we'll play a game or something.

So there are these ropes around. So we try to lasso a seagull yeah or something but and you know you tie the other end of the lasso to yourself yeah or a brown hole area yes and well no and the like one's tied to me and then the other is tied to the prong, so we stay on land. But I ended up lassoing a container ship by accident that was going by. So we get keelhauled for – Where's the containers? I did not get to see the containers because I was being dragged in the ocean behind the containers, and they were all closed.

It was a hand gin container, I can tell you what the... The company. Yes. Yeah. So anyway, eventually we, the rope frays and breaks. We wash ashore. Come and land on this beach. And I look up and it's a naked beach.

And you... A real naked beach. So I'm about to, I'm like, beach So I'm about to I'm like okay I'm about to go hair On this beach I'm about to go insane Like go crazy

Well you've earned it I mean you've been getting dragged On a rope You got stuck on this cruise That was Well those guys are fun It was not exactly what was promised I'm sure in the brochure

Yeah no And now You're finally gonna cut loose And finally to just have some fun for you. Yes, to go nuts. Just go ham on the naked beach. But then everyone looks up and sees that there's a prawn with me. And they hate prawns. That is a sad part of our society.

And that movie tried to kind of point out some of the biases that our society has in a very subtle way. But they also, having spent a lot of time with this guy, I don't know if it's this one or just all of them, this guy sucked so bad. I hated this prawn. Not because he was a prawn. I don't know. I don't know. It's the only one because I have also never really loved prawns. So it would be my...

Well, look, now that I am technically friends with one, I feel like I can't say this, that these things are so disgusting. Is that the rules? Because then I have some stuff to say. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names of the Red Carpet Linebacker. Back always. Of this industry we call showbiz.

What up, what up? It's a big show. First show of the new year. Let's start it off right. It's not. It's not. Second show of the new year, though, and if you think about it, it's the first one being recorded in the new year for the new year.

For us, by us, 2018, baby. Mary's here. Damon. hello mary mary sasson proud mary you see the trailer for that i saw the billboards i'll tell you what oh wow okay yeah yeah you don't exactly want to mess with taraji p henson in that movie no i i well i've seen some i had a screener that was the trailer. Someone dropped it off for me. Oh, that's really nice because you're Mary. Yeah.

Just a lot of Mary's in the movie. Just heads up. Heads up. Here's this. Yeah, just in case I just like, I don't know, just got mad about it. I'm not named Mary. I was going to ask, are you mad because can you not feel proud now? Because there's like a Mary that is proud Mary

and is kind of stepping on your stuff. It was stepping on my stuff a little bit. I mean, it's already like, luckily there haven't been a lot of Bible movies recently, but when a lot of that Passion of the Christ stuff happened, it was, you know, you just take, it's taking a little bit of your clout. There's like a billion Marys in that.

Yeah, just, you know, left and right, washing feet, giving birth. Yeah, right? Is there a different Mary you can be? Sad Mary? Yeah, that's not my first choice, but... Okay, then you suggest something. Yeah, I guess Hayes is the only one

actually giving, like, a pitch. Don't make me do everything. One thing we like to do on the show, yeah, yeah, we don't like to say no without having our own idea. That's hopefully something better, you know. So just moving forward. Which Mary do you want to be?

Oh, gosh. What about like powerful Mary? Okay, well, proud Mary, if you actually watch the trailer a few times. She's really powerful. She is also very powerful. So you have to be a kind of Mary that Proud Mary is not already being. Feels like she has a lot of things going on. Weird Mary.

Weird Mary. Weird Mary. But it's sort of strange that she secretly has this closet full of guns and this dark past. It is a little weird. I mean, do I have to say it? Just be White Mary. White Mary. White Mary? It's like super safe.

I mean, there's no way. There's no crossover. And look, maybe that's not the idea, but I believe that's the idea that will get us to the idea. Yeah, let's pin that one. And then we'll daisy chain off of it later. But for right now, yeah, I'll be white Mary. Okay.

White Mary's with us. We wanted to talk about something that's special to you specifically. Thank you. Today. We're always talking about movies and TV and books and music and the radio. But this time, we want... People think that's all we know about. Right.

But when you think about what all these different things are, it's really just our bodies. This is our bodies moving around and taking pictures of our bodies and our bodies singing on the radio, right? That's really all it is. Absolutely. Yeah, as our bodies making the noise, right? That's really all it is. Absolutely. Yeah, as our body's making the noise,

the different pieces do vibration. We know a lot about science too, but do vibration through the various canals of the body and the various sphincter, you know, contractor holes, and it allows it to make different sounds, and that's how you sing. Yeah.

And what is not film, but what a director sees. And he's using his eyes. And he's using his eyes. And he's using his eyes. Yeah. Yeah. So, with that in mind,

there's... We have to think about, where do we start with this? What's the, as we're talking about bodies, what's the top of the body? Yeah. And is there a body section that we haven't really discussed on the show much?

And that maybe our guest, White Mary, would be an expert on. Yeah. And obviously, thinking about you and your history, we want to talk about hair, have a hair discussion. Not because it's like you're a girl or something. Because guys have hair too, actually. Actually, guys have hair too. Yeah. But because you are the Dalsassun's wife.

Yeah. Late wife. Sorry? His late wife. His late wife. Yeah. Late wife. Sorry? His late wife. His late wife, yes. Yes, because he died. And that's why I was suggesting you might be sad Mary. Oh, yeah.

Well, he died in the 70s. He died a while ago. Okay. Yeah. And I feel like I've taken his empire and really run with it. Now, I've always used late wife or late husband to represent the half of the couple that did die. Oh, interesting.

But maybe in solidarity. I would say he was your late husband, but for you to be his late wife makes me think, oh, this is a zombie. Oh, you know what? Maybe that's why I've been getting a lot of looks when I keep calling myself his late wife. Unless you're on set of The Walking Dead.

I mean, I've done some hair for them. Oh, you did some of the hair. Some of the hair. Just some of the hair. They won't let you get on. There's special people for the main characters, but a lot of the extras. I'll get my little fingers on their hair. I love the generosity to say, hey,

I'm a Sassoon. Let me arrive on set uninvited. And just spruce up some of the hair that maybe some of you guys can't afford to have somebody looking at all these things. Yeah. I'd like to think of myself as like a charitable hair person. Heritable.

Heritable. But also, you flash your license and it says Mary Sasson this is my crime scene officer you show up and they're going to let you through and they'll let you touch anybody's tresses

yeah that's yes why is your name a little bit different when my husband died I just thought you know what? New year, new me. I'm getting rid of an O. Did he die on New Year's Eve? You said, oh, no. He died at?

You said, oh, no, when he died? I said, oh, no. Take out a no. And yeah, it was unfortunate, but it worked out. There was the countdown for New Year's. At zero, he died. So it felt like we were counting down to his death. Oh, wow.

You knew it was going to happen? It was inadvertent. But after the fact, it seemed very insensitive. Ten, nine, eight, seven. Because you were so celebratory. We were so celebratory. So his last memory is everyone going, yes! We did it!

Because when it's New Year's, I shout a lot, we did it. We did it. Wow. We did do it, huh? Can we say we finally left friggin' 2017 behind? Good riddance. All day saying. Boo 2017.

Boo 2017. And New Year different. Thank you. Okay, so this will be great to talk about our hair. Sean and I both have... We have rituals, right? I mean, you know, we have pretty specific rituals. But maybe you have advice, and I'm always happy to learn.

Well, I guess I'll just start out. So I make my hair every morning. I go out into the barn and I start soaking a thatch of hay and try to sort of smooth it. And I'll pound on it with whatever's around, a knife handle or something like that. And when it gets mushed up enough that I believe it will stick to my head, I slap it on there and then I'll use some product, whether it's kerosene or – It's great for hay.

Yeah, whether it's kerosene on the hay or whether it's just, you know, glycerin. Yeah, the oils are really great for that. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you. Yeah, and that's what I found. I mean this is not without experimentation, but I'm an older man. I'm a little older than you. So it's something that has come from experience,

but is there room for improvement? Probably, because I am sort of sticking it on there, and it is at times falling off, and it is at times catching fire. So is there a way for me to keep it moist throughout the day or to even keep it on there? May I ask you a question? Are you married? I'm sorry, no. Great, absolutely.

We all say no. But you can ask Kevin a question that might relate to me and then I can maybe answer on Kevin's behalf. Wonderful. Kevin, for Sean. This is Kevin. Hey, Chef Kevin. So sorry.

Have you thought of, and are you, how do I want to say this? Are you against the idea of keeping any of your natural hair on your head? Sean, she wants to know if you're against. Hey, she wants to know if you're against keeping any. I'm sorry, Kevin. You have to ask Hayes, and then Hayes can maybe talk to me about it. Hi, Hayes. Just to take it right to Sean like, hey, Sean.

It's very aggressive. Mary wants to know if Sean would like to keep any of his natural hairs or if that's going away. Yeah, okay. So, Hayes, do you want to ask me that? Yes. Mary was wondering, do you like to keep the hair or do you want to trade the hair? Oh, well, that's interesting, Mary. I guess I would trade some of it. Okay.

Now we're getting somewhere. You know, at this point, maybe what you're identifying as, you know, quote, natural hair is just old hay. Okay. Hay that's been around so long that it has kind of melded with the body, yeah. Yeah, just as like an anchor, because you've said that your hair is falling off, your hay hair is falling off. Yeah, it is. Just as something to anchor the other hair, you know?

Uh-huh, something to anchor the other hair. You know? Uh-huh. Something to anchor it in there. Yeah, because I put in a lot of extensions for women and men. And a lot of times you just need something to anchor the new hair. I should also say I was so passionate about equestrian sport. And that it's been hard for me to ride competition for a while now because they're turning around and chomping on me. Yeah, chomping on my head.

And that's a trick, but it's one trick. And that's the issue. Is that the first time it happens, they go, oh, extra points. And the second, third, fourth time it happens, they go, hey, wait a minute. Yeah. It's tough to ride dressage or, you know, any kind of really do any kind of jumps. With delicious hair. With delicious hair.

Yeah. The other thing for Sean, I will say, with his natural hair, which you can kind of see when some of it's falling off, it's these very tight kind of dark red curls. Okay. And so it's hard to, I mean, if you have the right thing to anchor, it's sort of like Velcro. So you can really hook stuff into it, but the hay doesn't hook into it so easy because they are so tight. And I should say there's worms in there. And the worms are alive and the worms are moving.

And sometimes when it falls out, it's actually just one of the worms running away and kind of taking some of the hay with it that I guess was its home. Yeah. And I try not to be too difficult about that because, you know, I want to have my own home one day. I can't begrudge the worm. Even when a bird wants to take a piece to build an egg house. Well, you're building great karma. Yeah, I think that is a positive that I'm feeding horses. I'm giving worms and birds a home.

Karma. So that is positive, but I don't always know if I believe in karma. I mean, because I see some of these freaking politicians and the way that they keep winning. Yeah. And I go, is karma even real if these guys are doing this? Because some of what they're saying and doing, sorry, Mary. It's not exactly necessarily good. And I think we know who I'm talking about.

Bernie Sanders. I'll start talking about my traditional bit. 1970. Let's go back, yeah. I made a huge thing of eggs. Scrambled eggs. And I put it through like a pasta extruder. I'm surprised you were able to do that.

Well, I know, for my own head. You cooked the eggs and then did it? Yeah, I cooked them so they were really hard. I imagine these were runny eggs. No, no, no. I made a big thing of scrambled eggs. Great. Please don't make me start over.

He said that. Sorry, he did. Sorry, Hayes. I know you don't need me to defend you. I know. But Mary, he said that. You're right, you're right. I'm being insane.

I thought I was maybe being insane. No, no, no. I made the big eggs, cooked them so they were very hard. It was insane, that Bernie Sanders. Put them through the pasta extruder, kind of sat my head down in front of it, so I'm grinding the thing. The eggs are coming out onto my head. School's free.

Which I have stickied up. Can I ask how you stickied it? More eggs. Great. Because if you, to get the eggshell out of the eggs, if it falls in there, you use more of the eggshell. The only thing that will stick to the egg is more egg. Well, eggs are friends with each other.

Yes. Yeah, they're buddies. So this has been on my head. That's what your hair is made of? This has been on my head. Since the 1970s. And to answer your question from before that you were going to ask, I have been married to this hair. But this was an issue with my now wife, Carrie Ann Moss.

My relationship with my hair was to her interfering with what she and I had or could have. And so I did have to divorce my hair. So my hair and I are no longer. So it sits atop your head, but you are no longer together. We are divorced. Gotcha. Have you seen the movie The Breakup? Which one is that again?

With the line through the bed. Yeah. With, what's his name? yes, I've seen it. Yeah. Vince Scott. Pardon? Is that the, what's his name? Justin Bartholick, Kira O'Donnell.

Who are we thinking? That man who speaks really quickly and was in Wedding Crashers. Yes. Okay, yes. Vince Vaughn. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He was written by Jeremy Gerard. Threshers.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Okay, yes. That's fun. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It was written by Jeremy Gerlach. So in that film, although the couple is separated, they cohabitate. And, yeah. And it's who gets the apartment and so forth.

And I think this is sort of what Hayes is going through with his hair. But there's a line of duct tape between them, as you can see, if you look, is the case. Oh, I'm seeing it. Carrie M. Moss has to be concerned because ultimately, and, you know, spoiler alert, but the movie's a little older now. They do wind up figuring it out and getting back together. And so, you know, and part of that, I think, is because they were living together still, that it gave them the opportunity. Duct tape or no duct tape. Right.

But they. I noticed in that movie, it's kind of a movie magic thing, the duct tape comes off very easily in that movie. And in my personal experience with that, that is not real life. Because movies can be fake about that

kind of thing sometimes. Yeah, as effects. And we've all been on set. Yeah. Whether we've all been on set. Yeah. Absolutely. Whether we're doing hair on a zombie or, you know, powdering a camera. It's like, you know, whatever your job is, you see on set some of these effects and some of these magic guys are creating illusion. Yeah.

And I love that it's a wonderland of illusion, you know, my industry, that we are dream weavers. Yeah, this business of show. Just making stuff. But when you get tricked, that's when it becomes dangerous. Yeah. So you are divorced from this hair, but you feel that you need to keep it this way. Or maybe you don't even feel like you have any onus over it anymore.

Is that? Do I have any onus over it? I feel like I have a big onus. Okay. Now, I guess what I would say in your case, maybe, you know, some sprucing up. Okay. You have just plain eggs. But do you have a right to sort of adjust your hair now that you're divorced?

Doesn't your hair have its own sort of agenda now? And shouldn't you sort of stay out of its life a little bit? Well, this is sort of what I was... Since you wanted to be with Carrie Ann? This is sort of what I was hoping. I thought Mary, if she's really nice, would be like, oh, I will touch your hair for you since you are not allowed to touch it. Yeah.

I will disperse it for you. Mm-hmm. People had told me that she was very nice. I know I had heard that, too. Because I had had been asking like, okay, Mary's going to come on. Like what she like. But did you notice before that we were saying what kind of Mary she wanted to be? She didn't say nice Mary.

She said white Mary. It didn't even come up. I know she said that. And I was like, first of all, this is kind of inappropriate. And secondly, it's like nice Mary. It doesn't seem like proud Mary is nice in the movie. No, she's not nice. She's probably a badass.

She's killing. So that didn't even occur to her. And then she said white Mary? Come on. It's 2018. Listen, I have operated under false pretenses. What do you mean? I would like to. I would love to give you mean? I would like to.

I would love to give you guys both makeovers. Okay, great. And now we're doing a friggin' podcast. Kevin, make sure you get before and after pictures for this one. Okay. So, one thing that I think would be really interesting. I've been noticing Kevin's hair. Yeah. Which I think does not work for Kevin.

Yeah, we're all seeing that. Right? It doesn't match the rest of Kevin. It should be someone else's hair. Yeah, because his hair is like keratin, and it's just like soft, and the rest of him is like skin and body. Yes. Thank you. His hair should be and body. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

His hair should be more body. Yeah. Finally. It doesn't match right now. It's a different color than his body. Brown? Yes. It's crazy. It's disgusting.

Give me a break. But it does seem like it could work on other people, and maybe they could split it. Oh, you want to have his hair? Is that something that people could do? Yeah, I mean, I would love to just offer you guys just some actual hair. I don't want to say actual hair because that feels rude. What is actual hair? No, it's fair.

Okay. hair because that feels rude. What is actual hair? No, it's fair. Okay. I just think that if we took some of Kevin's hair, which we're not asking for, but we are taking, I think we're all in agreement there. Yeah. And just, yeah, split it up between you guys.

Just see what it did to, you give new life to what you guys have already done. Yeah, that's right. Not like splash a bunch of paint over the old thing and just add nice little touches of Kevin's hair. Yeah, like when you get an old house, don't tear down the porch. See what you can do with the porch. Put Kevin's hair on the porch. Put Kevin's hair on the porch. Now, before we make it entirely about us and our makeover, just for our listeners who don't have the benefit of you in studio, what are your top three tips for just being really looking great?

Great. Thank you for asking. This is good. I was worried we were heading towards something. Let's be generous. Top three tips for really looking great. Okay, so I would say my first tip is probably ignore everyone. Oh.

When you go into your bathroom to start getting ready. Ignore all the other people in there. Ignore all the other people that are in your bathroom because you're having a party. Yeah. Because you have children you forgot about. Yeah. It's a public restroom. It's a public restroom.

It is kind of like a party in there, though. Oh, yeah. A Target employee saying, why are you still here? Yeah. How did you get that robe? I'm immediately looking around going, is there anyone I know here? Trying to think of something to say. What's the thing?

How do you- How do you drop what you're doing? Yes. What say you know like what's like the thing yeah like how do you how do you drop what you're you know what you're doing yes you know that i'm holding like the thing where you have uh the little food and the napkin and the stick and now you're just holding this like yeah this like appetizer stick in the bathroom oh yeah and i just keep refilling my drink at the faucet yeah you had a lots of drink at that last party. I know. Luckily, the bathroom's so close. It's really close.

Yeah. So ignore everyone. Okay. Everyone that's shouting at you at that Target bathroom, those are haters, first and foremost. That's good, and I got a hat from that Target that says, I love haters. So it could be confusing for them for me to be ignoring them. But okay. But you know what? That's how I have found that I get my

my most love is ignoring people who are trying to get my attention. Yes. Yes. Yes. Deny what they want and you'll get what you want. Oh yeah. P-U-A is it that? So ignore everybody and really do you. Okay. Is this two? So ignore everybody And really Do you

This is number two This is number two Number two is do you in the bathroom Yeah do you in the bathroom And I think we all know what I mean by Do you I'm starting to picture it So you've ignored everyone

You're doing you Number three Don't overthink it. Okay, and that is so dangerous for people to overthink it and to get in their head, hey, I'm ignoring the haters. I'm doing me, right? I'm in the bathroom, public bathroom. I'm doing me, and there's no haters, and now I'm in my head, and that's not going to get me anywhere.

So let's go ahead and just don't overthink it and just act natural. And so now I look great? Now you'll look great. If you follow those three very specific tips. Then I will just look very good. You'll look better. Okay.

I should apologize because I think when I brought this up, Hayes said I was worried we were building towards something, and so I think we were about to pretend to move Kevin's hair around. So let's double back. That seems like a rich area. Thank you. So let's go. Thank you. So let's go. Thank you.

That's very helpful. I love when you help the show. Yeah, let's do it. Okay, so we're taking off. Right now we're taking off Kevin's hair, and I can tell that he doesn't love it, but some of the best things in life are born from frustration. And it's coming back pretty fast.

His hair, yeah. As we're taking it off, what I'm seeing And it's coming back pretty fast. His hair, yeah. As we're taking it off, what I'm seeing is it's not going anywhere. And the more we get, the more he has. Yeah, like that 100-headed Hydra from Greek mythology. Yes, yes. As soon as the more hair we're cutting. Was that 100 heads on that? I think it could get 100 heads.

Oh, my gosh. My understanding was that it was about nine. Nine? And that no matter how many you cut off, it was still going to have nine. But to hear that it's 100, whew. That really rocked your world. I'm going to need to sit down. Now, I know I've been standing for the whole podcast,

but I actually need to take a breather because 100 heads on that thing, that really, Hercules doesn't stand a chance. Well, you're in for a real treat when you finish that movie. Okay, well. Whichever version you take. I know he's wrestling with a lion. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

And I know he's got some trick to clean the stables. It was the flood. He used water. He used the water to clean it. What a trick. What does water want to do? That's what you ask yourself when you're working with water. It's going to do what it wants to do.

So follow it. Work with it. Yeah. And I feel that way about hair. Okay. If you try to put it into a mold, if you try to make this hair be what you want it to be, sorry, mister. Sorry, mister. Is that what we do with Kevin's hair? So this is interesting.

You may notice you come in here, Kevin is always like, hey, do you want some water? It's like, do you want some of this water? Yeah. And it's like, what is this guy's thing with water? It's like, oh, he's trying to get rid of all this water. He wants the water away from him because it's scared that it's like that is like the secret to his hair coming off. Oh. Just like Hercules.

Just like Hercules. Wow. And what a crazy connection to have come up through sort of a side conversation and then for that to actually be what's going on with Kevin. So do we redirect this river into Kevin's hair? Like to use water because it's a Nair-like quality to Kevin. Yes. Because he hates this water. Yeah, he was just like, take as much as you want. I don't even care. Yeah, take this. Drink it. Yes. Because he hates this water. Yeah, he was just like,

take as much as you want. I don't even care. Yeah, take this. Drink it. Take it home. Yeah. Pour it on your shoes. And he's like very, when it's finally gone,

he's like much more relaxed. Yeah, there's just like a calm that goes over him. You finally see dude finally chill, man. He was so tight. I mean, I always, you know. Because Hayes and I

talk about this. When mean, I always, you know. Because Hayes and I talk about this. When you finish your water, you finally see dude finally chill, man. I mean, you know, is there anything more Kevin than that being true? Not that I've seen. So, yeah. So that's a good place than that being true. Not that I've seen. So, yeah. So that's a good place to start, maybe. Yeah, I just, what I worry about is that he doesn't have some kind of Wizard of Oz witch-like quality.

Okay. And that this could destroy all of him. So that, that would, okay. Can I say something? Kevin, are we recording? Should we start the podcast? And I'm recording. Okay.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker. Always in this industry we call showbiz. We're talking hair care tips with Vidal Sassoon's wife. Late wife. Ghost of Mary. Talk about... Ghost Mary. Ghost Mary. Talk about Vidal. Ghost of Mary. Talk about... Ghost Mary. Ghost Mary.

Talk about Vidal. Talk about him? Yes, and we will just get out of the way. Okay, thank you. He was a generous man. Okay. He was always giving away his time and his skills. And I'll say, as you're talking about him, he's alive again.

Did you notice that? He's alive. Did you feel that? He's alive. Did you feel that? He's in this room. Him walking in the room that we keep people alive in our hearts by, you know, you're not dead until the last person utters your name and mentions that you're generous. You learned that from Coco. Yes, that's what happens in Coco.

Well, he was, I do feel him here. Pardon me, Vidal, for speaking on your behalf. But he was, he would give away his time, his energy, and sometimes our possessions. The thing about him was. Yours specifically, is that right? Yeah. A lot of times your stuff would be missing. At the end of the day, I would be so tired.

My dogs would be barking. Yeah. And I would walk into my bed and I would plop down only to hit the floor because he gave away my bed. He gave away your bed. He gave away my bed. That's a little like the breakup, except it's like half of the bed. Yeah.

Well, he would sleep in a separate room. Ah. Yeah. Okay. I didn't see Coco. You didn't see Coco, but you came up with that? That is just something I know to be true. Oh.

Mm-hmm. Coco, if everyone forgets you, you disappear. Oh, wow. It's like a second death. You disappear. But it doesn't matter if what you did was good or bad. Is Coco a name? Yep.

Hmm. But it's not the main guy's name. Ah. Mm-hmm. Okay. Just enough to tickle your palate to want to go see it. Ah. Mm-hmm. Okay. Just enough to tickle your palate to want to go see it. That is tickling me, yeah. It's a big spoiler when you find out who Coco is.

That's the whole movie. Mm-hmm. Who's Coco? Ah. But they don't say, like, if you did some really bad stuff in your life, and everyone is still talking about how bad the stuff you did was, that's okay. You still live forever.

It's almost more beneficial. Because really the people that we still talk about the most from history are the people who have committed severe atrocities. Who did the worst stuff. And that's, I think, what Coco was kind of trying to say, is it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do. You get people talking.

All press is good press. That's what Coco says. That seems to be the message, yeah. Well, better get cracking. It took a little boy to teach us that lesson. Little boy? That's who Coco is? No, as I said, that's the main guy.

That's the main guy? That's Miguel. In the theater, when you find out who Coco is, everybody goes, Do you see his onus in the film? Okay, well, that's a big spoiler, too. Oh, okay. And that's a big secret to who Coco is. I guess ultimately I'll just have to watch it. It's just, as you know, I don't own a TV.

Isn't that interesting? Hey, New Year, some things stay the same. You guys have me intrigued on Coco. What was the controversy around the Frozen short that happened right before that? I didn't see it. Too long, huh? Too long, but also I heard just a lot of cultural insensitivity right before a movie. Yeah, to happen right before a movie is weird.

Just coming from the girl who wants to be called White Mary. When I say cultural insensitivity, I mean there was diversity. Ah, yes. Which is something that really peeves me. I hate getting fired up. I get really hot under the collar

when I see representation. Kevin, what's happening with your hair? It looks like it's... It's longer now. Yeah, okay. And it's coming for me. Yeah, it's going right toward you. And it seems to be creating sort of a knife shape, doesn't it, Kevin? And are you doing that on purpose?

Not anymore, no. You taught it. You just taught it how to do that. I kind of hinted, and then it took it from there. It's a dagger, maybe. Yes, and it is the common tale, and I don't know if this happens in Coco, but sometimes you will sort of unleash a beast and ask it to do your bidding, and then its power will be so great that you can no longer stem the tide,

and the consequence is beyond what you ever imagined. And you wish you could take it back, but you can't. Think about that, Kevin? Yeah. What if instead of white Mary, it was Mary Mary, like Merry Christmas? Huh. Mary Mary, like Merry Christmas Okay

Merry Merry Merry Christmas What if it was Merry Merry Okay That's really good I guess I'm swilling it around to taste it Like a good wine

Yeah and it is good. Merry, merry, like, merry Christmas. And how are you feeling? Like, trying that on, does that fit? It's got good legs. Yeah. Yeah. You look great with it. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I feel taller. Yeah. And look great with it. Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you. I feel taller. Yeah. And that's what I'm seeing is you suddenly have risen up and just have this quality, this confidence that maybe you didn't have before. And I'm noticing that nobody is doing Christmas stuff anymore. I know. It's such a wide open marketplace. There's a void there.

So that's really going to be, until about the end of November, this is going to be my thing. You probably have to do whatever you're doing at a steep discount for a little while. But then,

if you establish it now, when November, early December comes around, you can really jack up the freaking prices. Yes. I'm a business lady. Well, that's what we're learning.

Yeah. With a little help from Kevin. Kevin, did you have any other pitches? Maybe something that Hayes could be or me? Because it seems like Mary's just a guest for one day. You've given her this awesome name. Yeah. But, you know, we're going to be here the whole time.

We're still here when this is over. When she leaves, we're still going to need something. Do you want, like, alliteration names or, like, something about your personality? If you don't have anything, just say, I don't have anything. I don't, yeah. Okay. Then you don't have anything, just say I don't have anything. I don't, yeah. Okay, then you don't have anything. Okay, great. Sometimes you give the best gift to the person who's leaving.

Apparently. Yeah. That's what I'm learning. And then we ask for a thing. And that's what Vidal was like. And Kevin is like, okay, I'll just do something for you right now off the top of my head instead of this thing that he had clearly been sitting on for a while.

Almost an hour, yeah. Because we hadn't really been talking about that stuff. No, it would be quite a while. Well, you are right. That is a Vidal thing. That is while you're leaving our house. Because he would give your bed to the mailman or whatever. Yeah.

Thank you for coming over. I don't need a new knife set, but take the oven. Yeah, that was your oven. That was my oven. Not even Vidal's because he would not eat food from home. He hates home food. Yeah, he hated home food. Give me outside food.

He only likes outside food. Or give me nothing. Wow. But that's tough for him at a lot of restaurants because they say that there's no outside food there. Yeah. He'll say, can I bring outside food or can I have outside food? And he'll say no.

They say no outside food. Very few restaurants serve outside food. Yeah. Outside food, we're thinking of like mushrooms. Sure. That's what we mean by outside food. Yeah, he was big into fungi i was doing a thing based on the on the restaurant door it says no outside food or drink ah and so

my thing was kind of but outside food just food from outside like a mushroom sometimes mushrooms but sometimes also um people would leave things out the door. You know, sometimes people feed cats. He was big into that. The food left for cats. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was also tough at restaurants because a lot of places will advertise home cooking. Yes, very tough for him. Yeah, and he would say, he'd say, Mary, we're out of here.

And I'd say, okay, okay. And now, did you feel him? He doesn't like also when it has the person's name of like, if it'll be like Vicky's apple pie or whatever. And he's like, I don't want to know if Vicky made it. I want to feel like it was made in a factory. Yeah. Right.

Or it just was produced outside. Or made it. I want to feel like it was made in a factory. Yeah. Right. Or it just was produced outside. Or made outside. We're going to do it out in the marsh with the rest of the mushrooms. Yeah, one time someone came over and they said, I have these beautiful cookies and it's my mom's recipe. And he threw them right in the person's face. He said, don't you dare tell me who made this food. Yeah.

Can I ask Mary Mary a question? Please. Yeah, sure. made this food. Yeah. Can I ask Mary Mary a question? Please. Yeah, sure.

I don't care. Who would you say your, like, hero is? Sorry, of 2017? Like, you get it? My hero. Of 2017? Of the last year.

And who do you think will be the hero of this year? Big Hero 6. Big Hero 6 was definitely my hero of 2015. I think my hero of 2017 It's okay to say Captain Underpants Was You're right, it was Captain Underpants

I don't, I mean, you can say anything But I just want you to know Just because we talked about Coco You don't have to say Captain Underpants It is okay to say Captain Underpants You can't go, oh, we've already done a bunch of these weird 3D animated movies today. What I loved about My Hero for 2017 Captain Underpants is his singular hair. Yeah, he has one curly hair.

He's got one little guy. Yeah. And that's, you know, that's bold. That you can see. Yeah. You're right. Who knows what's under that diaper? Under the underpants.

It's the word diaper. Oh, you're right. It's not a diaper. It just Under the underpants. It's the other word, diaper. Oh, you're right. It's not a diaper. It just looks like a diaper, but I think they're tighty-whities. He might, I mean. You don't know what he's rocking down there. He might have a diaper under the underpants. Under the underpants, yeah.

Was he a. Diaper full of hair. I wish. What a dream. Mine's Wreck-It Ralph. Okay, for 2017 yeah this is a sequel it didn't

hit mainstream theaters oh wow look at this guy yeah mainstream theaters yeah I can't talk about streams because the water bothers my hair

you're working pretty hard hey this guy's working pretty hard. Hey, this guy's working pretty hard. Give this guy a raise. I heard he got a promotion, but did he get a raise? This guy's freaking working up a sweat over here. He is very sweaty,

which the sweat is pouring off of him, and he's wicking it away as fast as he can. Yeah, and it's the moisture that's his enemy. It's body water. Anything else, Kevin? That you want to take care of? I'm going through a legal pad right now.

I got everything on the list. Did you take any photos, Kevin? Sam was supposed to bring the camera, but I can go grab it real quick. Why don't you do that? Why don't you do that? We're keeping this going just for Kevin and his camera. Yeah, so if this part of the show, the next two, three minutes, feel weak. Well, we weren't planning on doing the show at this point.

We were planning on being done right now. This was not supposed to be any show. Because the camera should have already been done and taken a picture. I rarely perform if not for camera. Right. Which is why Still camera

still images. Yeah. That's my big thing. And I'm always saying do a gif. I'm seeing these everywhere and Kevin is like oh you have to go to

this building downtown. I know. To get a gift? To do a gift. To do a gift. He's trying to get me to go to this building downtown. Is it an abandoned warehouse? That's what it sounds like.

There's a slide there. That's what he keeps mentioning, is that you can go down a slide. It really does feel like a trick. Yeah, that sounds like a grade A trick. Like it's an abandoned warehouse downtown with a slide for kids to play on. And this is like Kevin's like main thing he invites people to. And that's where the gifts come from. Yes, he says that's where the gifts live, that you can hang out with them there

and you can have ones done of you. He says all your favorite gifts are there, and you get to become one of the gifts and play with the gifts forever. But he says when you go, someone is going to be telling you to express different emotions and stuff. Yeah. And they're going to make gifts out of you. He said it's like inside out.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. Hang on. I got hypnotized by the camera. Yeah, you got to be really still for a picture too, or else you might turn into a gif. Yes, yes. That's the danger.

Because now I'm scared to be a gif, because it seems like Kevin is going to sort of trap me like a genie or something if I become a gif, and I'll have to live inside the camera for the rest of my life. You would be an amazing genie. The same three seconds over and over. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I really have always thought that. You would be an amazing genie. The same three seconds over and over. Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

I really have always thought that. You would be such a good genie. You have no idea. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten. Mary, do you think I would be a really good genie? I do. Yeah. You're a very giving person, but not too much because a genie can't give everything.

No, we've got to have boundaries. That's the thing. I mean, I think that's what would make me such a great genie is that while I am generous and I am sort of warm and kind, I'm really good at establishing boundaries. I'm so good at kind of standing up for myself and just saying, hey, the buck stops here. Like with love and with care, I say,

hey, that's a line we can't cross. Yeah. I don't shake hands. I only fist bump. Don't call me on my phone. Yeah. You know? Do not email me.

Yeah. Don't look me in the eyes. Yeah. Don't look at me. Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. That was the—

Go. Get out. Email. Go. I love that song from Aladdin. What are you doing here? He's saying, this became. What the fuck are you doing in here?

He was listing stuff at the beginning, but now he does want you to leave. Oh, okay. Yeah, of course. And we did the pictures? Yes. Bye. Bye. This has been an earwolf production executive produced by scott ackerman

chris bannon and colin anderson for more information and content visit earwolf.com that was a hate gum podcast