Hollywood Handbook - Matt Besser, Our Cannabedian Friend

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

The Boys welcome MATT BESSER back to the show to promote his new special Pot Humor and hopefully confess his crimes. This episode is sponsored by I’m Listening: A Frasier Fan Podcast (www.listeningpodcast.com), Harry's (www.harrys.com/handbook), Quip (www.getquip.com/theboys), and Trtl Travel Pillows (www.trtltravel.com code: THEBOYS).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hospital with Lewis. Lewis, Joe. Lewis, Joe. And we are... Helping kids. comma Joe Lewis Joe and we are helping kids making kids laugh Joe

punching himself in the face of course hilarious the opposite of what you're supposed to do I am doing classic Bill Hicks

routines oh yeah yeah yeah dude the beatles were so high they even let ringo sing a couple which the kids don't know i mean the kids are like they just assume it's my shit right no that's what's so nice they're going like whoa holy shit hayes has some fucking awesome ringo these are kids and they've been in the hospital like for a lot of this time. So I'll do like, I was at the waffle house and the waitress, I'm reading a book and the waitress is like, Hey,

what you reading for? I said, I don't know. Maybe so I don't become a fucking waffle waitress. Oh shit. And you're laying that on the kids are like, that is inappropriate. Right. Language-wise and the content of it overall.

They didn't care about the language. Oh. They were like, it's the definition of punching down. Mm-hmm. Right. And Joe is punching sideways and backwards. Did you do your thing about being being pissed off that leno made a doritos commercial i do that one i do the how about how about uh break california off into

the ocean i did the yule brenner one arizona bay they're like who is that who are any of these the references weren't landing as much hey welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker always listen should we call showbiz what up what up we have a very dangerous guest today who is on the lam do you want to talk about your crimes matt Matt Besser, you are here to do the show. That's a weird way to start off. Speak on your crimes, Matt Besser. Before you even say my name, do you want to speak on your crimes?

You're not a criminal until proven guilty. You're talking about federally illegal marijuana, but we're in California. Speaking of breaking off into the ocean. Yeah, let's break on Arizona Bay. A couple of nugs. Yeah. You. I'm feeling like an ambush kind of vibe.

Oh, not yet. You didn't want to talk about this? How it's federally illegal? Like, they don't even know that I have a special yet, and you're already saying. Since the trailer dropped, the feds, the fuzz, the big bad FBI has been trying to track your location. Talk about the special, if you dare. I have a special called Pot Humor. And it's weed as well.

Well, it's interesting you say that because people that say weed kind of by saying it, it's not a weed. It's a flower. And we prefer. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful. And a weed is something you want to pick and get rid of. So you can always tell where someone's coming at on marijuana on the word they use. Yeah, pot is something you poop into, of course.

Yeah, or make a beautiful poop into, of course. Yeah. Or make a beautiful stew. A poop. Excuse me? Make a beautiful poop stew. A poop stew. All right. I say dro.

What do you say? Well, I mean, I say a few things. Normally, I'm blowing cheebs. I am chiefing kind buds. What else do I like to do? I like to ski the white widow.

Well, you're like a thousand monkeys on a typewriter, but white widow is a strain yeah you stumbled upon something there yeah no kidding and i stumbled my way chief is something you're using the right words but you're using nouns as verbs i did not say keef i said chief the kind buds now if i want to sprinkle a little keef on top. Oh, there you go. You know more than you're letting on. Some of them sticky, icky crystals. What is it about the crystals? I like it when my buds look like a big-ass fucking golf ball. Just white crystals all around the edge, and I take a milky tube down to the dome.

We should get ahead of this, because we are not allowed to talk about any of this stuff on Earwolf. I was waiting to see the milky part. You don't want the, oh, you don't want your tube rip to be milky? Okay. He just wants it to be watery. Yeah. Dude, if you can see your hand inside your bong tube, hashtag you're doing it wrong.

And you got see your hand inside your bong tube, hashtag you're doing it wrong. And you got a small hand. You put your hand inside the thing? I put it in. I put it deep inside there. And then if it's invisible to me. I've never stuck my hand into it. I don't think I can. Oh, yeah.

You may not have a freaking big-ass tube like mine. Mine goes all the way up the stairs. You'd have to have a really big mouth to operate it. I do, yeah. Do you watch Big Mouth? Nick Kroll? Puberty humor? Of course. Yeah. So, that inspired me

to actually enlarge my mouth. You know, people talk down on the cosmetic surgeries that take place in Los Angeles, the Botox, getting a little pinch here, a tuck there. I say it's like an accessory. It's like having a nice purse or something. It's like if I want to change my appearance

and do something that makes me feel good and get my mouth bigened. It's like, oh, well, you're wearing clothes, the person who's saying that. Oh, you obviously care about your appearance. You're wearing these clothes. Uh-huh. Did you say big-end?

You can get a big-end? I have big-end in my mouth. Not wide-end? No, that was too expensive. Well, basically, also, that's a joker process. I mean, they put two razor blades in the corners of your mouth, and then they tickle you until you laugh. So a big-end is more of a horizontal than a vertical? It's up, down, yeah.

Uh-huh. Oh, now I'm noticing. You have gotten a big end. Yeah. Nutcracker. It looks very natural. Thank you. I didn't even, I guess it works with the beard and the mustache kind of hides the oddness of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's no lips anymore, so. Oh, that's the trick. That's how the mouth gets bigger is the lips are just removed. So there's more mouth. Which, by the way, we don't need them. Like, what are they actually doing, getting chapped?

After you've been married for a couple years, everybody's not needing those lips anymore. Yeah. Amen, brother. Drying up. I didn't see the new Joker. What's the origin story of his mouth in this one? Of his mouth in particular?

Does he slash it open? It is, I think, normal in this one. Oh, really? Yeah. It's not oddly wide. No. It's all crayons and stuff. Just different.

Just painting the head. I hear he does stand up, though, so I'm definitely going to see it. Yeah, that's a little like you, huh? Yeah. That's a nice transition. Yeah. I'm a supervillain who does stand up. I'm a villain on the, if you consider

weed a crime, I guess I am a villain. Sort of a pieced off clown. A clown who's so pieced. All you wanted to do was make people laugh and what do you like to say? Smoke pot? Yeah. I want you to be comfortable.

All you want to do is smoke pot and make people laugh and then whatever. You got kicked off the bus or whatever happened and now you to be comfortable. So all you want to do is smoke pot and make people laugh, and then whatever, you got kicked off the bus or whatever happened, and now you're peaced. Peaced. I don't use that, but okay. Where is the special filmed? Portland, Oregon. It's another state that is legal like ourselves.

And more so. It's more legal. Yeah. The evergreen state. yeah yeah yeah i'll say what do you mean by green as ever hell yeah yeah hell yeah i feel like you guys are trying to fit in with it with pushing the lingo when i hear like too much lingo uh why are you saying that we're like narcs or something yeah that will like call the police are you saying that we're like narcs or something? Yeah. That we'll call the police? Are you saying I would activate a transponder under the table

and send our location to the police? Let them know where fugitive Matt Besser is peddling his pot comedy wares? How do you activate a transponder? It's a switch. There are button ones too, but I don't trust them. What's the difference between a switch and a button? Oh, please. Is this a real question?

Well, I understand it, but you keep looking under the table. So I'm imagining you're going to feel around for it. Yeah. And when you push a button, sometimes you go, did that push? And also, in this case, you'd be pushing the table up, and it would affect the recording. Oh, yeah, which is our primary concern. A switch is like a nose kind of shape,

where when you toggle it, it ends up in a different position than when you first touched it. Sure. A button is going right back to the position that it was in before. So, I agree with Sean. It's harder to know for sure whether or not it, like, got the job done. With the Switch, you know. Unless the light goes off, but it's under the table, so how are you going to tell?

Yeah. Yeah. You smoke Bama? It's... Bama? Yeah. You smoke Bama? It's Bama? Yeah. You blow dank? See, I don't like this. I don't like this. Whatever this is. Look,

Matt. I feel like I'm being put to a corner. Look, look, look. I don't know what Bama is. It might be crack or something. And I'm on record here. I don't like this. And I't like alabama either so oh this guy then the feds are not gonna like that you your humor your pot humor yes is sufficiently accessible that it is technically you doing those jokes is technically crossing state lines with your comedy, with your pot comedy. I'm thinking about this.

You are trafficking pot humor into middle America. I'm thinking about this state line thing. So, like, when Lenny Bruce, when he went like when he got like busted in san francisco let me stop you go ahead who lenny bruce he was like he hit hollywood squares like yes yes get bruce yes The t-shirts. Go on. Are you saying a podcast crosses state lines? Is that what you're saying?

Your specific stream of humor is too accessible. Yes. Lenny Bruce didn't have that problem. That was a municipal

city crime. But nobody in the flyovers is like getting access to that. Lenny Bruce was unintelligible. Literally could not understand what he was saying.

And so it was not a crime outside of the people in the very room who were just like... Who could also understand that dialect. Yes. So it has become a federal issue because it is spreading all across the United States. You say spreading like it's a disease. It's becoming legal all across the United States? Yeah. No, I'm saying your brand.

My humor is spreading? Yes. Well, it's infected my dog. If I may, I only asked for one thing, which was a brief intro. And I'm never one of those guys that we will get to that that is coming man i can't have an intro in the middle of the show we may have to make sense we may have to do it in the next episode because we may not have time because we're obviously dealing with but that's why but that's why i go on these radio tours is to is to is to brand myself. That's why I'm here.

And it's not like I gave you a lot of credits or, you know, what have you. I just wanted. You're not giving us any credit at all. Oh, boy. Really, we're doing you a favor. Stop that. This all falls on us. It's our freaking logo on the show talking about this shit.

We're happy to promote it. But Earwolf already already they won't do ads for weed stuff they have snapped down on that you said before the thing the mighty jaws of the earwolf have clamped down on weed advertisements believe me i know i know the one thing that could be my bread and butter but uh they won't they won't give it to me any proper humans have you thought about pivoting to this actually what they tried to have us do a few years ago is advertise uh general snooze dip i don't know what that is it's dip it's chaw dip baby tobacco dip is it is swedish dip it's called general snooze snooze is the the product which is like a kind of dip

and general is the brand and the mascot as well and you pack it yeah in your mouth yes and it kind of gradually uh sinks into your lip basically soft tissue you salute general snoous by getting a hard nicotine buzz. So did you guys do that one? Yeah, we did a dozen of them. We didn't do a good enough job. Yeah, they took it away. We threw up. We threw up as hell. We tried to do it during the item.

We threw up. I used to chew tobacco. Buddy. Before I smoked pot. Yeah. Have you ever just taken a nug and just packed it? Yeah, you just pack a fatty nug in your lip. Oh, I should try that.

If you take a heady nug. I think it would work. It would work, I think. If you pack a heady nug deep into the bottom of your lip, I don't have a lip, obviously, so it would just shoot out. It just kind of falls. Yeah, I could maybe get it in the back of my cheek and all the little keefy crystals and all and all those little red hairs you know i really like everything you're talking about but the way you're talking about it

makes me feel like i'm on a sex phone like a fucking sex line yeah you, you would know. You've said many times that you don't care about going to jail, and you want to go, and actually society is a jail, and so you're already in jail, you don't care. And that inside jail is freedom. I don't want you to have to face that decision, but of course we have a lot of friends who are in the FBI. Of course,

they listen to the show. There's nothing we can do. They started as fans and they've become friends. And we speak to them and they say, hey, Matt's obviously going around

promoting the show. When he's on yours, you take this transponder, you flip the switch when he's in here, we get this transponder and you flip the switch when he's in here we get the battering ram you act scared you act like you didn't know

they want us to yeah sort of be like oh no but meanwhile if you're in on it why would you even allow them to have a battering ram

because that's that's how we have plausible it sells it man yeah that sells this is our studio that took forever to open

they're gonna use a battering ram it's gonna take another six months to get back in here Earwolf sent on it too the whole thing's an insurance claim

Colin would love to just wipe his hands of this studio and walk away Ryan really? it took so long

to get in here all these new tables. Hey, you throw gas on the fire, man. And the plan, the plan is for Ryan to catch a stray. What?

Ryan. Ryan is supposed to catch a stray bullet. Ryan is supposed to get a bullet. Why does Colin want to get rid of Ryan? I, I, again, he just said that it sells it.

He said it's justifiable sells it he said it's justifiable loss like it's just like I guess Brian gets paid a lot of money this whole thing's just like an insurance dump yeah I guess Ryan also has pretty significant

harassment claim against Colin that is picking up a lot of steam in the courts he's got recordings and stuff and so it's just easier for everybody harassment claim against Colin that is picking up a lot of steam in the courts. He's got recordings and stuff. And so it's just easier for everybody. That's why I don't, I never fuck with the sound engineers because they always have recordings.

That is what Colin failed to realize. Yeah. If you're going to fuck with an employee, fuck with someone at a desk out there. Not one of the sound engineers. Away from the mics, yeah. Yeah, one of those mid-roll fucks. So let's work something out.

I don't want to flip this switch. I don't want to. I hope I don't have to. I don't want him to die. Please. We're in California, guys. So it's legal here. State-wide.

And everyone you have on your show, they're entertainers. We all smoke pot. The green rooms are filled with marijuana. Green rooms. Like, whose side are you on? Yeah.

Evergreen. I'll say. Yeah. Rooms are green as hell. We're on your side. And it's about figuring out, like, FBI obviously offering us a lot of money to do this if it's a cut of like per stream revenue or something like that

we're promoting the show we can help it grow are you promoting the show? safely we've been talking about it the entire time and we will do an intro and we will do an intro no we've been talking about it the entire time. And we will do an intro. The entire time you've been threatening with the FBI the entire time. No, we've been talking about our friends.

And we've been bringing up all the various different, you know, weed stuff. Yeah, it seems like you're reading a list that you got off the internet. Please, you think I got a frigging list of cherry cough, Maui Waui? Strawberry cough. Strawberry cough. There actually is both. Wait a minute. What are you doing?

You're doing Inception? I'm doing Strawberry Cough and I smoke cocaine. Yeah. He talks about it in the movie. I know. I know that. I was referencing that moment. To Doug Vincent.

I was like, you don't know that moment? They're more than one cough, yeah. They didn't just stop at one cough. He's mad. Strawberry, we're done. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like the weed guys I know. Oh, there's some hybrid of cherry and strawberry cough

that's just called cherry cough. This is what weed strain guys do. Let's leave well enough alone. Think we've solved it. We'll just sell what we have. No, man. They're fucking always fucking with it. Man, I mean, I sympathize with you, obviously,

wanting to do the content you believe in, but I also sympathize, of course, with the FBI. Wanting to make sure that kids in the Midwest don't end up way too into weed, like unfortunately what has happened to my dog. What do you mean? What do you mean? He heard some ear pot humor, and I was told by the dog walker who came to get him yesterday that he did immediately, when he was away from the house, start singing the Smoking on Some Weed song and ask her if she wanted to blow-dry, light up some milky tubes, and get lifted as hell.

What's the smoking? What's the song smoke it on some weed that was him smoke it yo madeline you want to smoke weed this girl was named madeline i think she had a fish t-shirt on he assumed that it was going to be something she was down for for me you know he's two years old i don't like that stereotype of fish and weed. Well, neither did Madeline. Because now I've got a report on the dog walking out.

And there's a flag next to my dog's name. He's only two years old. And he can fit his whole head in the tube. Yeah. You have a huge dog. but they're sort of built for this that like the snoot can just kind of snap right in there yeah you can get the whole edge they are built for that well they were originally bred to hunt out milky tubes his breed that's like

certain yeah there's different obviously the reason dogs are all different shapes, and most of us know this, is that they were isolating certain genes. Yeah, like the pointer. The pointer, suppose a point. You know, the noble dachshund was for hunting badgers into their holes. Yeah, yeah. And weasels as well. Yeah. I have a Shih Tzu.

They sat in the lap of the emperor, trained to bark in signs of danger. So you're saying they're dogs that were trained to have evolved to have a snout that could fit in any kind of bond. This dog, they isolated the Chiba hawk gene. And they are trained to hunt out the headiest nugs and the most exhilarating highs. I don't know why you're making me hate weed. Like, I came in here wanting to push my special, and now I hate marijuana from hearing you say all the terms from the thing I like. I don't know why I hate it now. Can I ask you something?

Go ahead. You ever open up your fridge, look in, and you think, oh, there's nothing in there? And then you take a big milky rip, and all of a sudden you see a feast? And the milky. I just associate milky with porn more than taking bong hits. You do? I just don't like the milky.

with porn more than taking bong hits. You do. I just don't like the milky. So, first I was a phone sex operator, and now I'm a porno search term. The bong rips are milky. I'm not talking about milky cereal like when I look cool, Jay. Stop saying milky. Well.

How about this? You don't have to do this anymore. Do you think milk is milky? To me, no. Milk's soaked. To me, milk is milky? To me, no. Milk's soaked. To me, milk is soaked. I mean, think about it. So you think a bong hits milky, but literally milk isn't.

Milk is soaked. It's soaking wet. Have you ever really touched it? Not for years. It is so wet. When I see an adult with milk, I'm like, what is that guy's problem? How about this? Snuff humor.

Snuff humor. Humor about killing people? No. Oh, oh, chaw. That kind of snuff. This is a little different. You just take a little pinch, put it on the side of your finger. Oh, that kind of snuff. This is a little different. You just take a little pinch, put it on the side of your finger. Oh, that kind of snuff.

I forgot about that stuff. A lot of people did. Do they still sell that? Fine. They're starting purveyors. God, I forgot about that shit. From like the south. You take a big whack of snuff?

I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually to do it. Oh, dude. It's because they're so discreet. You're peeking in the wrong Jeeps. You guys do this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep.

But you're not doing it. No. I'm the king of doing it. You can't just sit around and go, oh, yeah. Yep. But you're not doing it. No. I'm the king of doing it. You can't just sit around and go, oh, yeah. Yeah. Do I do that? Yeah, I'd say so, sir. You're sitting on the back of the pickup.

You have to actually do it. Chaw humor. Like, you ever, you're, like, on a road trip, and you drink from the wrong Gatorade bottle? Oh, I love chaw humor. Yeah. Yeah, I got wrong Gatorade bottle. I love chah humor. Yeah. I got three Gatorade bottles. Exactly.

That's for both. Okay, so just two bottles. But regardless. Chah humor. You know, that's where I started out. Of course. Because you don't want to jump into weed humor right away

when your first beginning stand up or the vet stand up will be in the side going oh man he can't even fucking handle this you ever drop a dip in the faculty bathroom when I was a janitor at my old high school all I would do is drop dips in the faculty bathroom. Forget it.

I never heard them called dropping dips. Oh, yeah. You drop it in there. Oh, yeah. Just drop it in there. Because the word dip, that's the word. Oh, yeah. Okay.

What do you want to say? Pinch a dip? It's like saying a toss to throw. Oh. Well, I did. pinch a dip it's like saying i tossed a throw well i did i mean at a certain point i dropped a dip when i was finished i tossed a throw into the old trash can in the faculty bathroom take that principle eating better is easy with factors. Delicious, ready-to-eat meals. Every fresh, never-frozen meal is chef-crafted, dietitian-approved, ready-to-go in just two minutes.

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The promise is the meal makes us sleepy. You've been pushing that so much. You're saying that you will be added on to your bed. Yeah. Your bed plus one. That's the opposite of what this is supposed to do. It's supposed to help you stay fueled up and feel good all day long.

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It's saying that's what I don't want. Not to mention what? What's the fucking intro, man? You're like so hung up. I feel like this is what got us off on the wrong foot. Yeah. Because you're like obsessed with this intro. My intro was, do you think you're going to jail or something like that?

Okay. That's not an intro. Okay. So, you had something you wanted? I said I wanted to be introduced as one of the new wave of cannabis comics that are out there. Yes, cannabis comics. And it sounds weird when I say it. It sounds like I'm bragging.

Hey, this guy's part of the new wave of cannabis comics. The young Turks of the cannabis comedy scene. Not cannibals. They don't eat people. They eat freaking weed brownies and they're and space cakes and they're zooming everywhere and don't careful if they offer hey man hey yeah why'd you get off the whole cannibal thing you kind of like what do you mean i don't want people to misunderstand i was loving it i don't want them to hearhear me. The first 10 seconds were awesome. It just ended, and then you went into this whole cannibal riff.

Actually, we're... It sounds similar. Yeah, I don't want them to misunderstand. Some people, you know, some of these people... We're actually called cannabidians, actually. Cannabidians. Cannabidians, okay. Cannabidians.

Can we do it again? Great. Hey, we got Matt Besser here, one of the rising stars in the cannabidian scene obviously it's nothing to do with diabetes or cannibalism uh cannabidian is um uh and he doesn't have beady eyes or anything normal face and um so uh yeah he's doing yeah i feel like i feel you feel so hot it was there in the can you want an intro for this entire show and now you're getting we're in the middle of the show mad we can drop diabetes it's gonna bum people out okay okay cannabidian Where are we getting this? Hmm? Bedian?

Cannabis. Cannabis comedian? Comedian. Comedian. Yeah. I'm sorry. I should have. I did understand that. I should have helped with that.

Cannabimedian. Do you want it to be cannabic? Cannabic? Yeah. Cannabic comedian. Cannabic comedian. Cannabic. Comed Cannabicomedian? Comedibus.

This is starting to sound like a boy church song. Comedibus is the ancient Greek cannabidian. Talk about the tour. Talk about the cannabidians of comedy tour. You, the guy from the Dell commercial, dude queen lesblifa bonkzilla uh the dab dab double double dab the twins yeah uh yeah this halloween you can see it i said uh top scarlet joanna uh 2019 uh and then there's the thanksgiving day but oh you know that one yeah i know thanksgiving no thanksgiving thanksgiving yeah no i know that yeah And Cypress Hill is on the tour doing comedy.

Is that correct? Yes. A lot of- Being Real does comedy and Sendog just kind of laughs. Yeah. Being Real talks about, he talks a lot about being real in comedy. It's very confessional. Truth is comedy.

Confessional comedy. Yeah. But he talks about the process of comedy more than he does it it's interesting yes it's sort of a what I saw him working it out it was word for word

Chris Gethard's career suicide special he did blame McGrath a lot for his problems and this was in like 2007. Yeah. And wasn't Chris with you when you heard that? Yes. Chris was there and he said, this is really something special.

And he heard Be Real doing his life and he didn't see it was being stolen? He found it extremely relatable, as one might imagine. Oh, my God. How could it be more relatable, especially when he starts blaming McBrayer? Yeah, I mean, we had backstage passes, and they got into a Smithsoft where they were doing their Morrissey impressions

at each other. Oh, I can imagine. And I feel like Be Real... Did it better? ...kind of cooked his goose. Yeah, unfortunately. and I feel like Be Real did it better? kind of cooked his goose yeah unfortunately um but you know

one of them got an HBO special the other one's on a bus with you it feels like everybody was yeah hey you know I always think when I read about Morrissey being such a crazy racist

these days what happens to the Morrissey being such a crazy racist these days, what happens to the Morrissey fans with the tattoos like Gathard? Do you think he still has it? Man. If you had a hero tattooed and then that hero changed, what would you do? Well, this is what I'm going through a little bit with Katie Hill, who was running for local California office. Yeah.

Did she do something scandalous? She has, in fact, done some scandalous stuff. Depends on, I guess, what you think is scandalous. Yeah, that's true. Let me see the tattoo. Oh, sure. Oh, wow. It's big. Yeah, it's true. Let me see the tattoo. Oh, sure. Oh, wow, it's big. Yeah, it's huge.

I pictured it being like a golf ball size. Well, I wanted to use my belly button to dot the I in Hill. And so it did wrap around for so long. It's not just her name. No, it's just her name. Just like in Time's New Roman. Belly button just sitting there all these years. I was not doing anything.

I mean, it's essentially useless. So I said, well, let's turn it into a piece of punctuation. I hear tattoo artists are really, they don't joke around with the belly button though. If you're going to use it, they really want to know how. Yeah. Well, you can move yourself. I it, they really want to know how. Yeah. Well, you can move yourself. I mean, they can say they won't do something.

But while they're drawing, you can move your body to get them to draw whatever you want. Right. You're good enough to counter. You can accidentally, yeah, accidentally in quotes, sort of swing your old hip. Just go, ooh, I love this song and start wiggling your hips around. Oh, look, that skull turned into the word Katie Hill.

Exactly, yeah. But I am at a crossroads where I need to get it absolutely 100% certain to find what kind of cross is her tattoo before I am willing to remove mine. But as with the case of Morrissey, it seems like probably I'm going to have to turn it into a different hill. Maybe I honor that documentary ritual.

Oh, okay. Okay. You can also do what Johnny Rotten did to his Pink Floyd shirt famously, which was just put, I hate. Okay. Or I don't appreciate more C. I don't disagree. Yeah. I don't agree with all of the views of.

Right. Yeah. I don't disagree. Yeah. I don't agree with all of the views of. Right. Yeah. Just the music of. Right. That might buy something. Put parameters on your fandom. Is it a bus? How are you getting around?

Cannabis? Yeah. A cannabis. Yeah. Right there. It is a cannabis. You guys like it's a funny pun but they actually run on marijuana and they're completely green oh and you can do that now and they tried to outlaw hemp because the oil companies didn't realize that you can't actually use it instead of of gasoline. Yeah, all the ethanol farmers up in Iowa now are making

hemp-a-lean. Hemp-a-lean. And are you packing tight the tomahawk bubbler and mowing the lawn across the top of the bowl? I saw you read a list right there.

You don't even know what you're saying. What do you mean? This list is, what list would I have? You're spending so much time trying. This is credits. To bust me. This list is your credits. Yeah.

That's it. Oh, a lot of family. Nice. Yeah, recurring. Thanks. Mm-hmm. Not bad. yeah that's it oh modern family nice yeah recurring thanks mmhmm not bad yeah yeah

you bet heard you pitched a joke speaking of green talk about green I heard you pitched Sofia Vergara a joke when you were acting

on Modern Family say the truth I didn't make the final cut and say the truth. I didn't make the final cut. And say the truth. I feel like you're buttering me up somehow. Like you bet I did. The people want the truth.

Did the joke make the cut? Look, guys, there's a lot of improv on TV but you only get those shows are tight 21 minutes when you're in the edit room you gotta make some tough calls that's an Emmy award winning show

folks that's like what they're probably 9, 10 seasons in right now that Emmy is one in the editing room every year where you are killing your darlings. Sells DVDs, though. Exactly. That bonus stuff. Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, I'm all over DVDs. Extended cut. Most of my work is in DVDs. I'm watching 44-minute cuts of Modern Family on my DVD extras every episode. All the stuff that didn't make it. Oh, yeah. I'm one of the stars

of Parks and Rec if you just watch the DVDs. You might not remember me from the TV show, but on the DVDs, there's some crowds, there's some audiences out there that don't watch the TV shows. but on the DVDs, there's some crowds, there's some audiences out there that don't watch the TV shows.

They're just DVDs. Audiences, because of where they are. Like they're in Alaska somewhere or a Greenpeace guy up in a treehouse. All they have is DVDs. Yeah, they can get boats so the cargo's full of DVDs. But they can't get friggin'

satellite reception. Right, right right so there's DVD fans out there who are like oh my god you're one of the stars of Parks and Rec when I'm out on a boat in Alaska somewhere and I run into these people I'm like actually I'm not but thanks you must know me from the DVD extras

is that syndicated? Parks? the TV show or the DVD extras is Is that syndicated? Parks? The TV show or the DVD extras? Is the TV show Parks and Recreation syndicated? I don't keep up with that because it doesn't really apply to me. So I don't know.

Would the residuals get sent to your business manager? Well, he's on the DVD extras. He's not on the TV show. You've never been on the TV show? Like I said, I don't pay attention. I may make the TV show, but I'm a star. But are the DVD extras syndicated? Am I going to pay attention to the world I'm a star in

or the one where I'm like an extra? Yeah. You want to be a servant in heaven or a star in hell? Why is a DVD hell? Hmm? Anyway, yeah, I'm a star in DVD sitcoms. Frasier, Fresh Off the Boat. I'm huge in Frasier.

It's usually inversely proportionate to what you are in the show. So in Fresh Off the Boat, I am the lead character. Wow. Yeah. I am a constant swoo of Fresh Off the Boat DVD. Oh, man. But I love the show. When they picked up another season of DVD.

I remember you tweeted. Yes. I was so happy. I quit this movie I was supposed to be in. Did Sophia laugh? When I pitched her the joke? Yeah. They never laugh.

They usually ask for you to be led away. laugh they usually ask for you to be led away I would suggest if people are looking for tips and I know they are if they're listening to the show that as soon as you show up to set you go up to the

writer of the script and you go hey buddy so fun so much good stuff in here and you maybe give them something like a set a set gift or set treat and that's you're pitching the jokes too i'll tell you what we like if you're looking for a gift rye whiskey oh yeah riders love whiskey because of Fitzgerald. Yes. Bunch of little Fitzgeralds out here running around Hollywood.

That's right. Yeah, and you give it in a monogrammed flask. Oh, if I want a recurring, yeah, monogrammed flask. And you say, so much good stuff in here. So funny, man. And if there's been changes from the table read to you getting to set, yeah monogram flask and you say so much good stuff in here so funny man and if there's been changes from the table read to you getting to set you go I love the changes

well okay you might want to say that sometimes I say I love the changes but I also liked the first draft a whole lot and I kept it. I go, I miss some of what's gone, but I love what's in there.

And when I was doing that at the table read, I feel like that killed. Yeah. Can we try and get that one? I like, yes. Writers want you to roll it back. Yeah. Sophia is not going to get me the job. Unfortunately.

Next time. You know what I mean? Maybe get you a Pepsi commercial. Really? She can maybe get you a Pepsi commercial. She can go, I want this guy to be pitching me a joke in the next Pepsi commercial. God, I had that in my gut. You know when you're on a set and you have it in your gut like, ah, I know I shouldn't say, can I work with you

or will you be in my web video? But sometimes you're just like, I should go with my gut. But you have to. How else did things change? No, it's true. It's a feeling. So much of showbiz is people being too intimidated to say,

hey, I'm doing a series of videos of jokes that didn't make it on a Letterman. Or whatever it is. I still have those. Or whatever it is. Can you come and do one of them? Anytime I see someone that says they're a writer in Hollywood, right?

Yeah. I'll flip them around. I'll turn them around real quick. Yeah, and his hand motion, people can't see it. He's sort of spanking them. I was just flipping them around. Yeah, okay. Okay.

Reeds is a spank. It's a little high for a spank i was touching her shoulder i'm flipping them around and uh oddly enough i am gonna look at their ass because i'm gonna look at their hip pocket uh and if their hip pocket doesn't look like it's had a full 120-page, not 90-page, 120-page script jammed into it over and over again several times, if it doesn't have that wear and tear in the back pocket, that's either some new pants or not a rider. Or they may not be a rider. Yeah.

You can tell dark blue jeans, which are in fashion now, white pocket. Yeah. From all the dye just being worn away. If the pocket's missing, you might have a rider on your hands. Oh, yeah. They blasted it right off. Blasted it right off.

And you're looking at Hip Bone or maybe some boxers with hearts on them. What you may be dealing with is actually a very experienced writer. Hollywood Handbook. Well, there's a reason they call me the March Maniac. I get maniacal around this time of year because March Mania is happening and DraftKings Sportsbook, one of America's top rated sportsbook apps, is giving new customers and maniacs like me a shot to turn five bucks into $150 instantly in bonus bets with any college basketball bet. Those maniacs are even more maniacal than me, the March maniac. And during

March mania, I get a little maniacal. And let me tell you something. The best bet that I'm seeing on the board is one that will already have happened by the time you hear this ad. That's right. I'm here to give you a non-specific line from a college basketball tournament game, which you will not be able to bet on because the college basketball tournament games that are going to happen after you hear the ad do not have lines up yet.

I have to give you a line specifically from today. That's how the lines work. Today, there are two games taking place, both of which you will not be allowed to wager on. They will already have happened. San Diego State Aztecs are favored over Boise State. Oh, mama. Hey, I wonder if their basketball court is blue like their football field. Sports facts. That's the March Maniac for you. Also, the Dayton, Ohio Flyers, our favorite over VCU. Hey, you know what? I'm going to go double underdog on that one because I'm a maniac.

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Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 plus age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See DKNG.com slash bball for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms and responsible gaming resources. Mania. Life can be ridiculous, but you know what's not funny? Getting ripped off. harry's agrees

so what we want to talk about today with sorry you said harry's or harry i said harry's we always talk about harry's first and then we talk about you clean harry uh who are sort of our new noted mask i don't know mask guy for this campaign. Talk about Harry's first. Something funny that happened to you recently. A ridiculous or fun situation that you were in

recently. That's the prompt and that'll take us into discussing the product. How great the product is. Funny to me or funny to just anyone i i mean do you you feel like there's a difference there like you yeah i mean i've had things happen to me that i suppose you would find funny okay but that you didn't find funny and and you have not really and you have things that have happened that you would find funny but the rest of the

world would not yeah i guess i'm interested in that one that you would find funny but the rest of the world would not. I guess I'm interested in that one. That I would find funny? Yes. But that others would not find funny. You seem to think that you have a specific taste when it comes

to what's funny or ridiculous that is not. I ordered a scented spray for my pillow to help me sleep at night. Like a lavender scent. Okay. And they accidentally sent me two. Okay. So you understand that most people would not buy that funny or ridiculous.

But you do i just had a little chuckle about the mix up at the at the shipping uh warehouse harry saw customers getting screwed over by questionable that's a come up overpriced shaving product harry on the come up i decided to do something better instead of charging the same stupid high prices harry on the come up i decided to do something better instead of charging the same stupid high prices harry's found their own way to double scent bottle beautifully designed razors for a fraction of the price of other big brands except bogo baby exceptional products honest prices i don't is there a bogo as part of this because i don't want to be like talking about no but that's what happened that are no but i clean harry punk harry's two bottles buy one get one their deodorant their lotion their body wash their hair gel all very high quality products they

all smell great german engineer blades made in their own factory they stay sharp longer you get a five blade razor weighted handle foaming shave, and a travel cover for just three bucks at Harrys.com slash the boys. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry. No risk trial. Don't like your shave? No worries. It's on them. Getting ripped off isn't funny.

Do you want to hear what happened to me that you might find funny? Yes. Yes, sure. But that you didn't. Yeah. So you're attuned to to this stuff i got my foot stuck in the dryer at the laundromat and it somehow turned on and you know that that was something other people would find funny based on

well the responses you were you were getting a lot of people inside that laundromat seemed to find it pretty humorous when my leg started spinning around and flipping me over what happened was i was holding my laundry basket with both hands and i saw oh still a sock left in the dryer so i stuck my foot and tried to pick it up with my little toesies i wear sandals, punk, and as I'm picking it up, I just sort of tripped and my foot got wedged in between. There's like slats in there and stuck inside there. And then I don't know who, somebody pushed the button or what, but it turned on and the thing starts flipping over and I'm flying in circles. Help, punk.

Help me, you punksks are your clothes staying in the basket are you going fast no no no i'm wearing all of them by the end of the cycle get started with a 13 trial set for just three dollars at harry's.com slash the boys that's harry's.com slash the boys for a three dollar trial set hollywood handbook i just want i didn't want to interrupt the show i did flip the switch ah and the operation i guess went down in the engineers room they got the wrong door or something oh okay ryan it looks like was shot through the side of the neck just a little bit you just got shot a little bit just yeah I mean I mostly did

would you say that the gun was sort of a pussy because it seems like you're so fine so I did it because when as soon as Ryan heard that he was gonna maybe catch a stray bullet and die I saw him like get really excited and then I did it because as soon as Ryan heard that he was going to maybe catch a stray bullet and die, I saw him get really excited.

Really? Yeah, as that premise was kind of fading away, I could see him be like, oh, okay. Like a maybe next time kind of expression. What's up with that? Why would anyone want to die? Is it Earwolf? I guess he would be able to hear his music forever. I don't know if you've ever listened to Ryan's music.

Are you saying when you die, whatever your greatest artistic achievement, that's stuck in your head? No, I'm saying that everyone who dies hears Ryan's music. The theory that the last minute of your life is the longest, and that says your brain is slowing down,

you experience it for basically an eternity. You are basically living inside Ryan's last album, Sister Maps. So a montage of your life is scored by Ryan's album, Sister Maps. More like the ringing of your ears as your blood gushes out of your body. That's what he recorded. He just held a... He put a mic... He goes to, like, nursing homes, and he goes,

anybody close? And then he just grabs a little Zoom recorder and... Oh, my God. Gets the sound of their fluids evacuating. Some of these sound engineers are audio freaks. That's what we're learning, yeah. Have you gotten that? Oh, yeah.

And they'll take little parts of your podcast that you don't even think about, like something weird you did with your mouth and your spit, and they'll isolate it and elongate it and put it on some fucking loop. You come in here early and they're fucking leaning back in their chair with their eyes closed. I mean, my recollection is that Brett got pretty raw with you during my dead wife, the robot car.

And there were some sex scenes and And that the recording was several days. You made me do a lot of takes. You know, in Hollywood, we're in a three-take society, folks. Okay, the first take, just to get your ya-ya's out, let's get the nerves out, let's hear it. Second take, if we're pros, it should happen. That's when we get the nerves out let's hear it second take it for pros it should have it should happen that's where we get the script yeah and third take we'll call it the fun take but really it's just a chance for the writers to hear their jokes again because we're getting rid of all the fun

later okay and that's it yeah but when you have someone say let's do a fourth take then you're going what what is he using this for? Yeah, who's it for? Because it's not for the writers. It's not for me. Right. So at that point, who's it for? Who's this fourth take for?

And what's being done with it? What happened to it? I never saw it in the show. No, it's not. Where do these four takes go? Yeah. And DVD extras. My Dead Wife the Robot Car podcast.

And that's what's going on is you busting on your car or whatever became some sort of black market audiophile DVD extra. Oh, it's happening to all of our shows here.

They're taking out these odd parts of our shows and doing weird, perverted, manipulative shit with it the market for it's just like how you know there's an underground market of um reality show cameramen who trade tapes of all the different reality stars in the shower yeah i know that uh it's the same for podcasts all our off mic banter us catching up on a our week. Pre-show. All that shit. Dude, it's out there.

It's a lot of pre-show blackmail. Masterclass season three. That whole thing is going on. Big bucks. Yeah. Big bucks. It's like in Hungary. Yeah. Sick stuff.

The Eastern European market. It's like take it. And the hypocrisy of that going on here, we all know what's going on. Colin has to know what's going on. It's his orders. Not a heap gets made in this building without it being directly ordered

by Colin. But meanwhile, no marijuana ads on scripts. That's the illegal thing. Because they haven't paid the piper yet. They haven't lined Big Daddy Colin's pockets with enough bucks. And he's got them over a barrel. Because he

knows he's got the hottest cannabidi and not cannibal, not diabetes on the block. Why did you bring up diabetes again? People are going to associate that with pot humor. You call Colin. You say, like, hey, I want to do one of these weed ads. And he's like, all right, I'll think about it.

And then. All right. I'll think about it. Sounds real good. Could be a bit of a laugh. And then you hang up. I might go half a six-pinch full of that. You hang up, and then you get a call from his friend, Vinnie Jones.

Yeah. And Vinnie Jones is like, Oh, mate, I heard you've been talking with my friend Colin. Oh, I could see him running that ad for a million quid. A million quid on top of the barrel of Mario Ketchum, John. So you have to pay Colin and Vinnie Jones a million

pounds. Can I tell you a story about Vinnie Jones, what I went through with him? Alright, so if you are a fan of any of the Earwolf shows, they take photos in the special photo All right. So if you are a fan of any of the Earwolf shows, they take photos in the special photo room after the show. Now, the technology and the equipment that they have in the photo room has vastly improved over the last six months.

I'm all right. It's suspect. It now changes every week. But there's a lot of equipment. Yeah, there's like four different pieces. A lot of them work every week. But there's a lot of equipment. More and more equipment. Four different pieces. A lot of cameras. A lot of them work every time.

The camera's gotten bigger, but the things attached to it don't look like camera pieces. There will be like an umbrella or a lawn chair or like a bottle opener on the side of it. There's just all this shit where it's like okay i guess i guess it's a new camera i think there's a little time machine on the side yeah there's just like pipes coming out of it there's like a keyboard okay so you guys know what i'm talking about a lot of money's going into i want to see the picture but it must have been one picture that made them say, okay, we need to spend $5,000 on fixing this. This picture cannot happen again. But I want you to notice something.

Look at all the comedy bang bang photos. Not in the photo room. Yeah. Outside on the balcony. Yeah. Outside on the balcony. Why is the boss of the network not taking photos in front of all this equipment, all this fancy unidentifiable equipment?

He's making sure he's outside. Not even in the same office as the equipment. So what's happening in there that the boss man. Refuses to be in the building where the photo room is. And this guy has access to all the paperwork. Oh, yeah. All the purchase orders. It's clear all the money that's been made in the last year has gone into the equipment in the photo room.

So why would he not be using it unless something else is going on? And you notice there's never just one photo taken. Oh, no, no, no. There's always a problem. Hold on, guys. There's different switches. Why do you have to press different buttons to take a photo? Oh, can you guys turn a little bit? Oh, do you guys mind lying down?

Oh, just put your handprint. Hey, this could be a fun one. I've got a funny idea. One serious one. Yeah. What if we did one from the back underneath you? Yeah. Let's all prick our thumb for this one.

And the first one is always the photo they use. Yeah. It's very interesting. Hey, what if one is your eye is right up against the lens? That's very strange. They never use that one. I'm just talking truth, guys. And if you see any photos of some of these rooms now,

they have all these fancy cameras that never get used or never when i'm around so i'm like what are all these cameras for bill hicks would i had a field day with some of this shit it's also all this touring like county bay and vegas doing right yeah why is it really why are they out of the why do they need to be out of the city? Do we really believe that they're doing like three Pacific Northwest tours like every year?

That's to satisfy demand up there? Or is it that they have to leave the city for some reason? There's only like 30 people in Vancouver. That's weird you said that. They said they were touring in San Diego. I have a friend in San Diego and I had a hunch and I called him up

and I go, is Comedy Bang Bang at the Mayflower Theater this weekend? And he goes, what Mayflower Theater? Wow. There is no Mayflower Theater in San Diego.

Wouldn't make sense there. Yeah. The Mayflower is so far away. Could not be further from San Diego. It's a really bad name for a theater there. Wow. And the coffee wasn't working today. And the coffee wasn't working.

And I changed the freaking keg. Can we take a photo of the coffee and the innards of the coffee wasn't working today and the coffee wasn't working and i changed there's a whole can we take a photo of the coffee in the innards of the coffee machine it looks way too complicated for something that just makes cold coffee it doesn't really make anything it just pulls coffee out of one cup basically into another cup. I found a new attachment on the back of it today. Right. Didn't make sense to me. That scared my ass to death. And it's not

working. None of it works. And normally they wouldn't let you in there to monkey around with it, but Kevin's not here today. Normally Kevin would be like Oh, I got it all fixed up. Hey, uh What's call on making him have that little fae British accent, too. I know.

I said, Kevin, why are you talking like that? You shouldn't have to talk like that. No, he should be able to talk with his normal weird voice. He should be able to use his normal bad voice. Would you like to buy some matches? Oh, he's got them selling matches. When's the special? What's it doing?

Where can I find it? I hope it's out. I hope it's out right now. I hope so too. Everywhere but Netflix. But I can just smell Netflix right now. Can you smell it across the street? It smells so good.

All that creativity is wafting over here. Yeah. Oh, man. It's the hub, baby. Isn't that great? When you come to airwolf you drive in you just look right across the street you're like that's where it's going down just i trust what's what's going on in there i don't even need to see i just know that what's happening in there is good oh i was there this is no lie i was there the day the Golden Girls remake got the green light.

I'm not even making this up. Wow. Jane Lynch and Cyndi Lauper walking through the hallway and everybody clearing the way. And like, it was a moment. We all felt like this is why we live here. That lobby is the new Brown Derby. Yeah, it is. That's where you go.

I was there six months ago. Who do you think I saw? Kurt Russell. And what do you think he was standing in front of? That Santa movie poster. The movie where he play Santa. That we all remember the name of. He was just casually standing in front of it.

He was actually, he was not posing. He just happened to be really directly across from the Santa movie thing. Think about that. I will. It's beautiful. Well, that about will it's beautiful well that about does it for us

we gotta do never did the intro but that's fine I am part of the new can of it sounds weird when I say it now it does

yeah it just sounds like but Pot Humor it's out on you know Amazon Apple Xbox streaming platforms you guys know those it's out on Amazon, Apple Xbox

streaming platforms, you guys know those and how suited should everyone be when they watch this show? as high as my audience in Portland was they were very high, we could have talked about all that but you know, listen to other podcasts for all that info listen to other podcasts

listen to other podcasts everybody yeah, info. Listen to other podcasts, everybody. Yeah. And don't associate diabetes and pot. That was some rhyme he did. Uh huh. Nothing wrong with having diabetes. Uh huh.

Until next time. But it doesn't kill you. Smoking on your weed. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon.

For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.