Hollywood Handbook - Matt Besser, Our Crossovered Friend

Episode Date: June 20, 2016

Hayes and Sean sit down with UCB founder and improv4humans host MATT BESSER for a forced crossover episode and compare emails with notes they've received from Earwolf brass.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, Bar Crawl with Patricia Clarkson. Up and down Fairfax, Little Ethiopia, hitting every

restaurant on the way. We like bust through the door of all these places, and we're like, give me some lentils. And then they give us, they come out with a big steaming bowl of lentils. Lentils, green, yellow, whatever. Whatever the specialty is, and we shoot them. So no injera, you're taking it straight? We're taking it straight to the dough baby

we take we take back the lentils go to the next place and they have them ready they call ahead and so they have them ready for us and then we get to we said that we had to go to every place on the block right and so we're doing

meals by Gannett we're Rahel Masab we hit all those. But then we get to that antique store. Right, with the giant chair out front. Yes. And they have lentils, but they're very old. Mm-hmm. And so, but we said we had to do it.

You got to shoot the antique lentils. Well, I am, I give patricia an out but she does not want to give me one i guess i think if she and i think if she had said first like let's not do this and i would have been the one who was like no we have to do it you know what i mean um so we go in there we have them like sort of boil it up the lentils are so old they like don't really absorb the water very well yeah um and we did shoot did shoot them, but I just kept them in my mouth. I couldn't swallow them. And so I just kept them in my mouth.

And I think she did too, because we weren't talking after that place. No talk, just action. Well, yeah, the conversation sort of died out after that one, because I think we were holding all the dry old lentils in our mouth and you had no choice but to take physical action yes yeah oh that's right that's what you mean yeah and that's my story hey hi welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet line back hallways of this industry we call showbiz now i could see that you were talking while i was talking but yeah i it's hard for me to hear you while i'm talking but uh so what what were you saying oh what up what up

i'm still in new york but the show must go on the show has to continue and be the show uh but we we have um do i have to be here for the part that i'm not involved in so that's our guest matt what what's with the question you can edit this out but do i have to be here and listen to this part that i'm not involved in well it's really just the it's just your intro during that. During the lentil story? But you must have wanted to be, right? It's just you guys told me to get here at a time. Uh-huh. And now it's 10 minutes past that time. If I had gotten there, I'd have said 11.10,

then I would be right here when I start. But you wouldn't have the vibe, you know? I mean, would you be able to just drop into the vibe of, like, we just had this, you know, rock and roll lentil story and we're sort of like popping off? Definitely, definitely, because I'm a professional. It'd be like if De Niro was like,

I want you to be here on the days that you're not shooting so you can get the vibe of the movie. De Niro saying that or someone saying that to De Niro? De Niro saying that. I insist that you be here on days that you're not working. He's saying it to you? He did say it to me. That's why

the example came to my mind. But I don't need to be here in scenes I'm not in. What was the De Niro project? It was going to be a sequel to Cape Fear. Oh, wow. And what happened? He's even scarier scarier now well i guess he's underwater at

the end of that one so maybe is it it was an environmental thing about cape fear actually dries up and he becomes a hero to the town because speaking on behalf of uh global warming oh wow now it's not about being a killer or anything. That has nothing to do with the sequel. They don't even know that about him. No. They just know he's this guy that emerged from the Cape after it dried up. So maybe I'm a dummy, and tell me if I am,

but isn't global warming is making more water, and the drought would be what would dry up Cape Fear? It's different parts of the you see and this is why the movie never happened because it did get really luxury this way uh sure certain parts are going to get more water but then other parts are going to dry up and be desert like because there's yeah this dude this the other part stole their water. Yeah. That is how, it's the milkshake, remember? Ah, yes. They drank their milkshake. They drank, yes.

You remember? Someone drank Cape Fear's milkshake. Matt, do you remember that? I don't know what you're talking about with the milkshake. Drink the milkshake. Once again, do I have to be here for this part? This part, well, this part you're involved in. This is considered a part.

This is a conversation with you i guess you technically don't have to be here for this but well i wouldn't be able to learn as much i had no idea they were doing another cape fear that they were completely ignoring the backstory of him being a criminal which was one of the main parts of the first film and that he became which is what made it. So many sequels have so much to do with the first part. Yeah, it's a worse version. It's like, I get it. I see where it's going. Because I already saw this before.

It's better where it goes. Completely left turn. It's Cape Fear the comedy or Cape Fear the environmental lecture. Yeah, that's true. Well, so, yeah. So you don't have to be here for this part, but we'd love it if you were. Well, I have to be here for this part but we'd love to be here period because of earwolf yeah what did chris say talk a little bit about that so i'm sorry give you any directives

over like what he wanted us to do or should we just say this is matt besser he's he does the show that you know from this and he's doing see so and forget it and so you know he's the prank master general and he basically just uh is you know mr funny and you're gonna love it and so earwolf kind of set this up they want to cross pollinate a little bit and so what did Chris tell you specifically Chris Bannon well I think he told both our shows that we need to crossover episodes

to promote each show and I said there's no way I'm going to have untrained improvisers on my show yeah he said well you compromise and go on their show okay that's where we are yeah he he told us the the one thing we had to do was um give like an endorsement of your show uh which we said we were happy to do what but as long as it was okay that

we have not heard it that's weird we. It's like not meeting your parents ever. We have a good... Because without me, you guys are nothing. I brought you to this channel. So it's weird you never checked in on the old Improv for Humans. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Because I... Okay. Yeah. Improv for Humans. I have something about that title too uh-huh well chris gave me okay he said i had to be on your show because of cross-pollination which is just a bullshit term for go be with people that you're not friends with that's what cross-pollinate means well i, I mean make bigger plants, right? Yeah, but plants aren't meant to be cross-pollinated.

That's like a mad scientist doing that. Oh, this is the GMOs thing? Okay. Chris did mention that you might get off on this for a little while. In this organic farming rant. A lot of cave fear was about GMOs, too. But I'm not going to get into that because it was very luxury. Anyway, he said I'd come on because I just re-upped. You guys re-upped?

Yeah, we just re-upped. Oh, did we? Nobody called me. Okay. For three more episodes. You're only on a three-episode cycle? We're on a three-to-three, yeah. So every three we get evaluated, and we have to go to a series of meetings, and then they tell us if we a three to three, yeah. So every three we get evaluated

and we have to go to a series of meetings and then they tell us if we can make another three. Yeah. So you just got re-upped to another three. Congratulations. We got the pickup, we got the back three. This is the second one. Yeah, this is the second of the three

and we're hoping to get another back three. I go in two year increments. That's how mine works. So what's that, 20 episodes? increments that's how mine works so what's that 20 episodes i think that's a hundred wow maybe a podcast jail uh well i kind of feel like that because he on the re-upping he said to me uh chris did yeah adam no longer works here that's also in the email the secret about that adam sacks yeah yeah he took his how did this get made posters and he packed them up in his sad little suitcase grabbed his yo is this racist bandana yeah i grabbed a like fan art who charted uh hosts little interesting thing about that bandana is it's almost like it's asking if the bandana itself is racist, and it kind of is.

That's the problem with all their merch. It depends how you wear it. People just go, yes, it is. And you're like, wait a minute, no, not me. How did this get made has that problem, too too because people just come up to you wearing that shirt go i have no idea yeah you're really walking into it you're begging to get roasted if you have that on yeah so adam is not the ceo anymore but i did want to ask are you um just throwing your hat in the ring for the ceo race oh right you'd be so good matt matt we'd be

willing to possibly back your ticket if you found a good vice ceo to run it with you i think that we would be on board for that like a more progressive yeah yeah did what's i mean what's some of your platform for that? Freedom. I would love that. So just ending the whole network? That would be something I would endorse. Look, Chris is the new CEO, isn't he? I don't even know the... What's his title?

Chris? Oh, gosh. He is. He's content ninja, I think. Well, he gave me a list of how to get more listeners. This is what I was getting to. Oh, great. He said, we're re-upping you. Would you like some advice on how to get more listeners? Would you like to have a meeting or get coffee? And I never get coffee with anybody for anything.

You don't drink it or not in front of anyone? Why do I need to go through that social experience just to basically get a list of things? It's going to make a list turn into a half hour to 45 minutes of small talk and list. So why not just get the list? Right? I see that. See that? What, do I want free coffee?

Then I'm doing a balance of free coffee to having to do small talk. And free coffee ain't that heavy. Coffee's not that expensive, yeah. So anyway, I got this list, which was brave of him to send to me. So I'm going to read it. He is a brave guy, yeah. Yeah, well, if I would have sent him, there's no way I would have sent me a list. No, I wouldn't want you to have a list of mine.

And I think that, but as a content ninja slash truth warrior, I feel like his whole thing is that he just like dives into battle you know and he doesn't necessarily think about the consequences yeah i don't necessarily agree with everything he says on this list but he is a brave man your enemy you can admit is brave not that he's my enemy you know what i mean no but yeah and say i want to kill him but he is brave i'll get him that yeah sun tzu's always talking about, like, that guy's going to be brave. That guy's going to be brave? Yeah, he's going to be brave.

So, title, Improv for Humans. He doesn't like it, and he wants me to change it. Can you believe that? Yeah. Do you not feel like you've established a brand? The four, you know, I use the number four. Uh-huh. He thinks I should spell it out, F-O-R,

and separate the words and capitalize the I, and instead of humans, have it be people. Mm-hmm. And specifically, he says it should be improv for F-O-R, comedy nerds. Improv for comedy nerds. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So he thinks it's alienating the way I spell it now.

Okay. Huh. So he thinks people just aren't comfortable with a number. Yeah. You would think that if you're trying to get nerds, you'd want numbers in there. Well, I guess they're comedy nerds, not math nerds. Okay, not math nerds. Okay. Yeah. nerds you'd want numbers in there well i guess they're comedy nerds not math nerds okay yeah have you found that comedy nerds have kind of been freezing out your show in favor of the jocks

and the and the preps no i haven't found that at all i didn't know there was a problem with my this is one of the ones i don't agree with oh okay okay right because I know a lot of greasers and stoners and dweebies and burners who listen to your show, but as I think about the nerds, they're down at the Nerdist Theater, they're listening to... That's where they're getting their improv. They do feel sort of alienated by

just the premise of the show. Somebody who's platformed to be the new CEO is freedom. It's pretty restrictive, some of what you're talking about with this improv stuff, whereas if I'm a true nerd, I don't know, go down

and hear about what happened on the last episode of Walking Dead and then just do whatever on my improv. He does talk about that. He talks about maybe instead of taking suggestions, you should do scenes on popular topics like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones,

Bernie Sanders. Let me get into this list. Foods that are popular at the time. Shoes. The stuff on curry shoes. I don't know what he's talking about there does that curry shoes

yeah oh they're so funny they're white shoes they should be in the trash i heard oh i don't think they should even be in the trash i think they should be on the i've helped by fallen and i can't get up lady yeah i heard that she should wear them yeah the life okay now i understand what that means he says you should do and i fallen, I can't get up lady sketch. And I didn't even know what he was referring to, but now I do. In fact, he says. What are some of the foods you're considering doing scenes about? Yeah, what foods are popular at the time?

I guess this is constantly changing, but he says, e.g. sushi burgers. Oh, wow. I've been hearing about these. That's even too advanced for me. I'm picturing it. I guess it's a meat burger filled with sushi or something. I don't even know.

But I guess I'm supposed to look this stuff up and then he says, a lot of your improv seems a little loosey-goosey. Please consider writing it up in advance. Writing up the improv? Well, improv well okay i mean i haven't heard the show uh-huh but that makes sense just because like something about writing a well-crafted scene that you can never really touch by just guessing at what you're gonna say you think you think improv comedy improv is just guessing well and look you're one to say. You think improv is guessing? You think comedy improv is just guessing?

Well, and look, you're one of the best guessers on the planet from everything I've heard, but ultimately, yeah. All talking is really just guessing what the next word is supposed to be. Mm-hmm. You're guessing what your own brain is or what the other person wants to hear? I don't understand the guessing. I'm just trying to get my brain ahead of my mouth somehow uh like you're in a competition

with your mouth yeah my mouth is trying to get my brain in trouble and my brain has got to somehow sidestep all these different potholes that my mouth is sort of trying to dive into matt if you wrote the scenes ahead of time go ahead if you wrote the scenes ahead of time, if you wrote the scenes ahead of time, you could release them on the website and people could print them out and then you could write a part for them as well. Then I'm doing my improv man scene with my friends in our garage.

He says something about that. You guys are on board. He says, when you script out, perhaps put it up on the web and then a poll. Our fans seem to like polls. They can vote on where does the scene go next. You give them options. Does it go to A, B, or C? Make a story.

And he also says, try changing emotions. Try changing genres. Try making it musical. And it says here, do you know how to do Make Up a Blue Song? A blue song? Make Up a Blue Song. Like a rude, like a song parody that's rude? Yeah, like Working Blue. Blues, like the blues.

Ba-na-na-na. Ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-da-da. Oh, yeah. Like Wayne Brady, I think. Like Disventures and Babysitting Blues. Mm-hmm. Okay.

That's badass. You like that? Do you know how to do that? I actually don't. Ugh. Yuck. Okay. See, that's what I meant by freedom. I don't think Yuck. Okay. See, that's what I meant by freedom.

I don't think I should have to do that. Yeah. You think you should just be doing whatever all the time. Yeah, like you guys. You don't have a format. Well, that's a misconception about our show. Your format is we make the guest wait for a period of five to ten minutes, and then we start.

That's the only format I see so far. We haven't landed on a permanent format, but we are still trying. You know something he says here? He says, I think it would give new listeners a better handle on the content and what to expect if you had a short explainer at the top of the show what your show is. Like you guys just did. You mumbled it

in a monotone and said it simultaneously so it was hard to understand. So now he would say that people don't understand what's going on in the show now. In our show. Because you mumbled your intro and you said it together. I would really.

And people have zero idea of the premise right now, what's going on. That's pissing me off now if Chris Bannon is saying that. Because we make the most inclusive, accessible show on this network. We are always concerned about news bands. It's not, though, because you mumbled it together. People can sing together. They can't talk together. You ever heard that expression? Okay, no, but I would like to start using it. Explain how it together. People can sing together. They can't talk together. You ever heard that expression?

Okay, no, but I would like to start using it. Explain how it works. You can sing together. Uh-huh. Like a choir. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. But you can't talk at the same time.

Like Scripps acquired Earwolf. That's another thing you brought up. They want me to have a mascot for the show called Scripsy. Oh, no. Yeah. We've been part of this Scripsy discussion. You guys have been in Scripsy meetings, yeah, just approving different designs.

He's forcing it on your show, too? Yeah. Scripsy's going to be the third host. We actually have to have him on mic with us at all times saying that he doesn't approve. Well, this is what i don't understand about what he is he's like a glass of water and so like whatever you are thirsty on the show you have to say like scripsy can i have you and scripsy says and it's always like a long back and forth

it's never like this product placement for some water like sparklets or something that was what we thought as well like we were like oh maybe they're making money on the back end off dasani or something because dude they're making money out the back end on all sorts of shit that we have or you guys have no idea i'm aware of some things yeah what so can you educate us a little bit about where some of the money is coming from? Where do you think these mics come from? These mics we're talking into. They say Heil, which I only

know really one sort of company that uses that as their slogan. Yeah. Take a picture of this, Ryan. People think we're making this up. Ryan, please take a picture of where it says Heil. And it's an arm. And it's a mic arm this, Ryan. People think we're making this up. Ryan, please take a picture of where it says Heil. And it's an arm.

And it's a mic arm that says Heil. It's a raised arm. It's kind of raised in the air, yeah. Yeah, it's at 90 degrees. And it's saying Heil. And you never question that? I'm talking into a Heil arm every week. I guess I never thought about it.

That's how World War II just snuck up on everybody. Everyone's like, ah, this is the way things are. The original podcast boom was right before World War II and it sort of softened a lot of the public up for just like, oh, high alarms are no big deal. That's what helps me get my content out. Yeah, we're beyond it now.

Well, history never forgets. De Niro told me. And he said that would be a problem with the sequel. They won't forget Cape Fear, the first one. Why did he want you there on days you weren't shooting? It was a power play, like you guys do to your guests. It's a power play to go, you're going to sit, you're basically saying, you're going to sit here and not talk and look at me talk.

Like, what is that? Who does that besides divas, kings? Well, no, I mean, the problem for me is Hayes is in New York. He's not here right now. He couldn't necessarily feel the energy in the room that was coming off of you while you weren't allowed to talk yet. And so I'm kind of trying to make my eyes say to Hayes, like, hey, man, cut this story short, you know? But he's not getting it. I did get it.

I did see that. Make your eyes wider. You know, a lot of times I'll take the ball and run with it. Hayes starts a lentil story. I might give it in my lentil story. But I was like, no, uh-huh, uh-huh, you'll notice'll notice you listen back i go right okay mm-hmm yeah i sort of misinterpreted that like you were scared of some of what was happening in the story um and like that it was like a spooky story for you not that you were being scared of matt necessarily oh you thought he was spooked out? Yeah, by the content of the story.

Should we talk about, like, because we had some things I think that Chris wanted us to do as well. Did you get that email, Sean? I got it. So you avoided the coffee too, see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we didn't get the offer for coffee. Oh. No.

Yeah. In fact, we pushed pretty hard for a coffee sesh. So you got an email and a Starbucks card? Yeah. Yeah, Starbucks card is in the mail. But yeah, he had some pretty hot tips and ways for us to just sort of make the show, he said, really take off into the stratosphere. He said he,

he, he does want us to take, he says he has an extra number four, like around that he got from another show and he wants us to put it in our title. What? Yeah. He says,

this is in the email I'm reading right now. There'll be no numbers in any earwolf show yeah he wants us to be handbook for hollywood yeah all one word f-o-r not according to chris he says it's weird that he would have your he wants us, our title all to be one word because he wants it to be a hashtag. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Does he not want to turn your title into a hashtag? He doesn't want you trending, Matt. He took it out of hashtag.

It was hashtag. That was my whole idea to begin with. Hashtag improv for humans? Yeah. E.E. cummings hashtag oh boy didn't capitalize it this is uncomfortable then it is uncomfortable you've essentially stolen my four if you agree to this well it's you know that's not we're not stealing anything we've been given something because there's no freedom here.

You're given. You're saying you're taking it. Yeah, it's a little bit being forced on us. I mean, I was told that we might not get the back three if we don't agree to this four thing. Oh, man. How much longer is this podcast? Oh, I don't know. I'm not a big clock guy.

Did he ask you to smile more? He says, let me read this. Smile more. Listeners can hear you smile. Our listeners think you smirk too much. And then he has an Earwolf graph of the host, a smile graph, and

Leonard Maltins has the biggest smile, apparently. He has the best one. And I'm at the opposite end of the smile graph. Oh, no. Are we on the graph? You're kind of near me on the graph. You're up into the purple area, which is a smirk. I guess a smug smirk.

Smug smirk. What's counterintuitive to me is Chris also asked us, he said, while you have Matt, he has some issues about your desk at the office. Like the like the like your sort of area where you work here, he says, has too much funny stuff on it. Yeah, you guys have. I didn't say funny stuff. I said what they think is funny stuff. I didn't say funny stuff. I said what they think is funny stuff.

No, but he said, like, you know, all the little, like, toys and things. You have, like, Shrek's friend Donkey on your desk and, like, the Monsters, Inc. guys and all that. The Talking Taco pencil sharpener. Are we talking about my desk or your desk? Yes, your desk. We're talking about your desk. Now, you don't think the stuff on our desk is funny?

Now I understand. No. Are you asking me? Yeah, you were saying you think like we think our stuff on our desk is funny but it's not funny what's funny is donkey from shrek i don't get how mass shooting clippings are funny is this all ironic it's dark it's dark it's twisted you know like god it's just like so you guys have gotten an eraser and on the photos of the mass shooting clippings you have erased smiles into the victim's faces like smiley faces sure yeah and dilbert and dilbert and we have yeah we've got dilbert stuff and sometimes Dilbert

is like in the background of the shooting like sort of like being like what I'm how does this work yeah um and to us it's like nothing is off limits as long as you're doing a smart take on it so it's like sure we can do humor about shootings, but it's got to be that the victims are smiling. And it's got to have Gilbert. It's got to have Scott Adams involved somehow. Wow. I find that offensive.

The what? The Dwight Schrute bobblehead? That is funny. I'll give you that. Remember he had a beat farm that was gonna be a spin-off the farm rando yeah i know that's another thing can you find a spin-off for improv for humans perhaps three humans or two or maybe even five. Then he puts a smiley face emoji. Wow.

He's really making you like raking you over the coals numbers wise. Like he takes your number away, but then his tips have so many numbers in them. It's just like, is he really against them or he just doesn't want you to know? And he spells them out. He just spells them out too. That's tough, buddy.

A way to promote your show is to hand out flyers. Try going to the farmer's market. Approach people who look hip and tell them a little about your show. Ask them for a suggestion and say, you'll use it later on the show. Does he describe what a hip person might look like? No. He said to me he was like

you're gonna know hip people when you see them they're gonna have Chris Bannon style glasses and they're gonna and they're gonna have

their shirts starched and tucked in and they're gonna be giving you advice yeah did you say nice iron pants?

Mm-hmm. This all sounds like, you know, I'm married. I have a kid. I'm not out on the streets with the hipsters these days like you guys. Oh, hipsters. That sounds like an opposite of the description that I would as a stereotype. Has it changed? Has it flipped around?

Ironed pants and tucked in shirt. I guess it has, according to Chris. I mean, this guy, he's a content ninja. He's got his ear on the ground. He says everyone's dressing Chris Kord now. Yeah, it's all gone Chris Kord. Chris Kord? Yeah.

He's turned his name into something? He said he didn't do that he said he said i he said he tried to stop it but there was so much momentum behind chris core he couldn't even does he threaten you guys in your point list a few times sure what's he say doesn't he gonna beat me up beat you up say? Sounds like he's going to beat me up. Beat you up?

He does say that Sean specifically, he is going to beat up. Yeah. He's a better straightener. And I think it's because he knows it would hurt me more to see Sean get hurt than for him to hurt myself, my own body. Yeah, and then if I watched Hayes get beat up, then I probably wouldn't really react.

That's sad. Sad for me, too okay it's okay I wish I wasn't like that what else does he say to you guys notewise well he says that we might want to do a little more dancing on the show he goes into this whole thing about how if you really think about it dancing's like amazing because like what you're actually doing is you're saying, hey, brain, take the day off. I'm going to let my soul take the wheel for a little while. And that you're really putting your soul in charge of your body. Because your brain's tired of racing your mouth all day. Yeah, that's right. And that it's a good way to give your brain a break is that dancing is just going like,

all right, soul, here you go. Like, where do you want to go? And maybe it wants your arm to go up and around, or maybe it wants your feet to do a little tippity-tappa. And he has a pretty long description of some dance moves we may want to become familiar with, but also encourages us to freestyle. You see, I think that podcasting, and I've always said this, is theater of the mind. If you're ever doing an interview, you want to use that.

You can quote me. It does work good for any interview about podcasting. I credit you. It's theater of the mind. And I would put dancing specifically as something that rests outside of theater of the mind. Specifically as something that rests outside of theater of the mind. Like on improv for humans or improv for comedy nerds, as I guess it's going to be called,

we describe dancing. So we do dancing, but we do it with narrative. My arm is moving right. It's starting to shake. It's doing a little trimmer move a little bit up. It's moving back into a rhythmic motion that follows and mirrors the elbow of the right elbow. Do you follow all that? Yeah.

My feet are going crazy and stuff. Yeah. My mind is like watching a show. Right. Yeah, my mind is like watching a show. Right, so you got lost in an improv, we call it a poet description, of what a dance move would be, and it kind of arguably surpasses watching real dance, to hear a great description of dance.

Inarguably for me. Yes, and I agree with you too, Matt, but... Multi-arguably. There is sort of the second screen experience element of this that Chris sort of explained to us with the dancing, which is we're wearing mo-cap suits. What's a mo-cap suit? It's ping-pong balls.

It's like a green body suit, and you've got ping-pong balls so they can track your body parts. Right. It's named after Mo Rocca. Yeah, and he wants to... He invented that? Yeah, yeah. green body suit and you've got ping pong balls so they can track your body parts right um and it's named after mo rocker yeah and he wants he invented that yeah yeah if you watch on his old daily show clips he's never actually there for his interviews it's always an animated version of him and he did all his motion in front of a green screen oh and so anyway when we dance scripsy um a sort of 3d rendered version of scripsy is on their

phone screen doing whatever dance moves that um that we do the dancing glass of water and i have another have legs the one no he does not he has no you dance he has no eyes no legs no face all things that are confusing and here's another note i have on Scripzy that I keep saying. It shouldn't be so painful for Scripzy to get drank. He screams every time as if his essence is being taken? Yes.

I just don't think it's going to put people on their side. It should be refillable, too. He's replenished every episode or during a year he's slowly going away? Once the water's gone, there's no refilling it. Yeah, it's really just sort of a one-shot mascot.

Which I feel like to put in this match. This mascot has an arc to it. I mean, it's interesting. It's like good dramas these days if you're not killing someone off. It's true. Everything's on the table. days. If you're not killing someone off. It's true. Everything's on the table. Anyone could go. Anyone could go.

Even Scripzy. Yeah. No, I guess that's true. Okay, I've come back around. This is why we have to have these meetings, Matt. Well, I can't believe you guys are going with this. Should we do some native ad reads? What the hell does that mean?

Well, native ad reads, Matt, and this is podcast lingo, and Chris Bannon will talk to you about this, is when you're doing an ad, but you make it feel like it's actually part of the content. Mm-hmm. It's like product placement in a scene. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You kind of want to trick them into thinking you're actually talking about the product but in fact we were plugging that was a paid advertisement yeah yes okay do you guys ever trip out on uh just like the different landscapes the earth has to offer what is this is this a native ad read for

something no oh uh actually that reminds me i'm so sick of eating out at restaurants when i could make better meals at home hey no have you ever eaten a casper mattress they taste good yeah they're so good and they're um uh and instead of you know putting sheets on them i cover mine with the blue apron the uh the community's better now dude don't monotone out when you get to the meat of the native right right right right yeah the community is so good the impact they have because it's like they're got partnerships with 150 local farms fisheries ranchers across the united states and so you know what that does for seafood right you can get seafood in the middle of the country um it's sourced sustainably i can't really answer follow-up questions about it because I'm just a fan of the food. Well, a statement is a gift, so just keep making statements.

Well, pork's raised naturally, chicken's free range, regenerative farming practices, and a blue apron can be delivered to 99% of the continental U.S. and 99.5% of food deserts. Desserts. Desserts. That's supposed to be desserts. Yeah, I agree. 99.5% of food deserts. Desserts. Desserts. That's supposed to be desserts. Yeah, I agree. 99.5% of food desserts. Food desserts.

Now, I would like to know what the 1% of the continental U.S. they won't do is. Alaskan dessert. I think there's one mean dog. That's right where he smells the food the food delivery man coming and he bites delivery man huh i think they used to say 100 and then that one guy you would think matt's got a great point which is you would think he would bite the food. Like, I get when the mailman's there, why they bite the mailman, because he's closer to food than mail is. Like, bite the hand that feeds you, for instance.

I always took that metaphor to mean I'm eating so fast that I accidentally got some of the fingers, too. Mm-hmm. Incidentally got some of the fingers too. Do some people interpret that as I'm biting the hand instead of the food that's feeding me? I think they do. And here's another thing. If you don't want to get your hand bitten when you're feeding me, put more food on there. I won't be able to bite through it. You know what I mean?

Maybe I'm biting the hand because you're not feeding me enough. Right. Put a big old stack of food on it. Yeah, let's get a big honking hunk. Do you guys think Blue Apron has an impact on households? I've got my opinion, but I'd love to hear from you first. I'm of two minds on this issue. I think the whole family. You think it builds strong bonds when the family cooks together?

Well, like the kids get involved. They can chop up a bell pepper. I tell you what builds strong bonds. Steroids. Now, Hayes, Matt hates this, what you're doing. This is improv. Making a joke on the last word you heard. Yeah, and don't you think

barry bonds is kind of the topic that that's like some of the food that's in the news or whatever speaking of food that's in the news research shows blue apricot families cook together two times more often and those guys who eat out at a high grocery change they spend under ten dollars person for a healthy meal meals in june you ever you guys want to guess catfish peanuts matt catfish sweet chili ponzu catfish green beans and coconut ginger rice ginger rice that's nice uh and then this part i don't know if i'm supposed to say this that's nice uh and then this part i don't know if i'm supposed to say this spicy korean rice cakes with snow peas i mean am i allowed to say that i don't think you can say that no doesn't feel judgmental no yeah spicy korean yeah that seems like kind of pointed

stereotypical yeah objectifies Koreans hey Zio like this New England style salmon rolls with roasted potatoes and chives why are they New England style are they cheating how are they New England style are they deflating the food like Tom Brady

these are a lot of good sports references right Bonds this was a thing that Chris asked us to do with the ads. Chris wanted us to, he's kind of trying to phase out Sklarboro country, but not until he has something set to replace

it. So, he's sort of like, I got this raw material over here with these Hollywood handbook guys. Can I shape them into something useful? Because Sklarboro guys, when they negotiate with him, they got him over a barrel. Oh, yeah.

Nobody else can do sports in a funny way. On the smile scale that I was talking about, one of the Sklars is near the top, and the other one is near the bottom of the Sklar. Isn't that weird? That's heavy. You wouldn't guess that. You'd think they'd be in the same spot on the smile scale.

Mm-hmm. Nature versus nurture. that's heavy you wouldn't guess that you'd think they'd be in the same spot on the small scale mhm nature vs nurture oh you know what my favorite blue apron food is please the curry Stefan curry

oh oh dad that's good Stefan oh yeah that's so um uh

do you guys wanna know if there's any required copy? I don't know. I'm always so bummed out when I vamp and then I get to the second page. I'm like, what? This part's required? I just talked for half an hour already. And now I have to read this part?

Yeah. Why do you put that up top? Yeah, it makes me think, like, I should probably read both pages before I start, but I already am doing so much more than I want. You're like, it's a whole page. Yeah, it's a lot. What can you say about food that gets delivered? It says required copy, and then the next part says call to action,

parenthetical, must read. You know what? Let's just call that required as well. Yeah. Blue Apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals. So they set the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranchers. Whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or heirloom tomatoes, Blue

Apron is bringing you the best. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Additional copy points featured as desired. Variety. New recipes are created each week by Blue Apron's culinary team and now repeated with a year. Flexible custom eyes your recipes each week based on your preferences. Choose delivery options to fit your needs.

There's no weekly commitment, so you only get deliveries when you want them. Easy. Each meal comes with a step-by-step easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-proportioned ingredients that can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Call to action. You must read this. Check out this week's menu and get your two meals free. Free with free shipping, that is.

Be going to blueapron.com slash handbook. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash handbook. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. This is a great way to set off our relationship with Blue Apron, I think. Well, we've been hoping they'd get in the Hollywood handbook business.

And now they know why they did. Mm-hmm. Welcome, Blue Apron. Yeah, it's great to have them on the team i mean as long as we're in here yeah five four you doing uh five four matt five four yeah the clothing club you do that or you got no i'm pissed off because i don't do it yeah so what are you doing we don't got going. Do your ad so I can help you with it. Well, maybe this will be a good idea.

This is an audition for Matt to do 5-4-1s on his show. To do 5-4, yeah. That could be cool, right? All right. We should figure out also what style profile Matt is. You don't audition your offer only for podcast ads? Everything. Wait, should we give matt a style profile oh yeah absolutely well should we wait till we get to that part yeah but let's get to it fast okay i i recommend getting to the required

part fast yeah and i'm seeing that all right well this is all bullet points so it's kind of weird so uh here's a quick overview of the 5-4 Club. They're an LA-based brand. It's $60 a month. Where else are you going to get hooked up like this for $60 a month and then ask how you're getting hooked up? How am I getting hooked up? It's exclusive. The only way to get

the brand is be a member. You can't find FF anywhere else. That's not fast forward. That's 5-4, but that's what FF usually means to me. You want to stand out in the crowd? Follow Friday. To me, it means follow Friday. I love Twitter. I'm tweeting with my friends. Proven style authors are leading the way, providing

style advice and recommendations. Let us handle making you look good and educate you as to how to wear certain pieces. Do you need a lot of education on how to wear clothing items, Matt? Fuck France. Oh, no. Matt, you can't say that freedom fries freedom fries yeah no they're our friends now oh yeah hasn't been long enough that we're friends that we can go back to being like fuck those guys

come on if you don't have time to shop i Matt doesn't, then it's close to your door every month. If you don't like to shop, I know Matt doesn't, then it's an easy sign-up process. You go in and personalize style preferences. There's a profile for every guy. This is the part Hayes was getting excited for. Is this just for guys? Only dudes.

Chicks can wear the same old thing every day, but guys in this modern environment, they really got a peacock to get the ladies. And there's no better way to peacock than to get 5'4". If you're a dude and he pees out your cock, I don't know, that's terrible. So a profile for every guy, whether you're looking for clothes for the office,

the club, or a lazy weekend, which one would you pick? Look, look, look, look, look, look. Let's just slow down here. You've completely petered out on this ad. What do you mean? We were just getting into the style profile. This was the best part.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Guys, this is the meat of this ad. Guys don't like to go to the clothing store. We don't like to go to the clothing store we don't like to go to the fucking store and deal with people and try it on and get in that dirty fucking room and have some lady where someone's literally taken off their fucking

pants and sat down where you're gonna have to sit here's what happens to me is a lady is there sometimes she's attractive and I'll walk out of the dressing room and she'll go that looks great and I'll go it does and I'll buy it wait Matt you sit out of the dressing room and she'll go, that looks great. And I'll go, it does? And I'll buy it. Wait, Matt, you sit down in the dressing room? To take my shoes off and put my pants on? Yes.

You just sit down on the floor? No, in a bin. No, there's a stool there. You're being a fucking asshole, Hayes. There's a stool on it. Let's not swear too much of the ads. That's a note we've gotten. hole haze. There's a stool on it.

Let's not swear too much of the ads. That's a note we've gotten. How many swear words am I allocated then? I don't know, but I know whenever I do it, the engineer, like if it's Brett, will kind of be like, Well, that's what Ryan gets for stepping out of the room in the middle of a show. Ryan, so many cusses in this ad.

So, yeah, but what happens to me after I'm done sitting down in the dressing room, because I sit on the stool too, even though I know there's been a lot of bare asses on it. And then I'll come out and they'll go, that looks great. And I'll go, oh, it does. And I'll buy it and then I'll get home. I'll go, wait a minute. It doesn't look great.

This is a stool. So, but Matt, you have to pick. Do you want clothes for the office the club or a lazy weekend no but the style profiles are classic casual forward and mix i know i know but can we have him pick which where okay let's just say this profile the club oh then you're gonna want mix i don't know what that means you're going it's like a remix there's four style profiles classic casual forward and mix. But in the club, the DJ's always mixing new tracks. And so you're probably going to want your clothes to be doing the same thing,

you know, material. Okay, a mix. Go. Great. Free shipping. Okay. Go. Good choice.

Good choice on mix. What a member can expect with each club delivery, avoiding monthly every month or so. Build your wardrobe. Options. You could diversify your look. There's great style that's on seasons. There's shorts and button-ups when you need them.

Jackets and jeans when it gets colder. You want to know how easy it really is? Go to 5fourclub.com, F-I-V-E-F-O-U-R, and use promo code HANDBOOK at signup. Get 50% off your first package. That's $120 worth of clothing for $30 on your first month's package. Okay. I mean, we probably do only have like 15 minutes left.

Now, I was told that you could make anyone funny in about five to eight minutes and that was part of what chris wanted you that chris just was like have mad in there you guys can kind of show him how a podcast works a little bit and then at the same time maybe he can show you some of his improv man stuff and you guys will be able to use that you keep saying keep saying improv man mm-hmm I'm sorry you prefer to be mr. funny yeah I mean mr. funny man or mr. funny is usually what you say to someone right before you get in a bar fight like oh you you think you're mr. funny right I was a line from cave here too by the way hmm he asked if they're Mr. Funny. So some of his violent streak has remained. Yeah, Chris Bannon told us

that you could teach us good improv techniques that we could use at work and to meet women. In our corporate meetings. Okay. Okay, do you guys get the concept of listening? I know you understand what the word means, but listening as an improv concept?

Um, I think so okay you gotta out listen the other guy this sounds like your concept of what talking is sounds like you consider different parts of your body in competition with each other like when your mouth is talking is your ear my ear is losing my ear is getting its ass kicked if my mouth is talking okay so when is your ear winning let's approach it that way i guess when my mouth is full of food what's your ear doing at that point oh well it has no choice but to really listen my ear is more in competition with

my hair. Oh, okay. Does it cover it? My ear wants to fight it back up. Alright, you can't be thinking about all these things when you're improvising. You can't be thinking about is my ear

winning over my hair or my mouth. That's what's called getting in your head. Okay. In your guys' case, literally you're in different parts of your head. It's all parts of my head. Physical parts. When we say it means your brain, you're like thinking too much.

To you guys, it sounds like you're just literally thinking about different parts of the head. Don't think. Twice. Did they steal that from us? Nobody knows. Did Birbiglia steal that from our t-shirt? Nobody knows. Am I going to get a piece of that?

It's half of the name of a Bob Dylan song. That's all we know. Gethard was here, and he specifically said he had nothing to say about it. So I think there's no story there. He said there's nothing to say. He said he had nothing to say about it. So I think there's no story there. Mm-hmm. He said there's nothing to say. Mm-hmm. He said he had no comment.

Yeah. Didn't have much to say. Those motherfuckers. I don't know. This is like you guys stealing my four. It's like I come up with things and people just appropriate them and stick them in their own titles. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

The Tesla of comedy. Pretty smart reference, huh? Thank you. But the guy you've never heard of of comedy. Because at least Tesla's a car. So I'm supposed to

teach you guys how to improvise? Well, yeah. I mean, we only have a couple minutes again. But yeah, so listening. All right, so get out of my head. So to me, that sounds like just get in my body and just dance and just feel it. Just dance? Yeah, it sounds like what you're saying.

Yes, I'm going to naturally get into my body and then start dancing. And once I'm in my body, nothing's going to stop me from just dancing and just feeling so free just feeling i could just take off but that's dancing that's a whole other art form so it's like going to learn music and say oh i get it now now i can tell jokes see and the guitar teacher would be a little angry he'd be like that's not what we've been working on. We've been working on chords. You're like, I know, but I get it. Circle of faith. Jokes.

Yeah. All right, so do you want to learn dancing or improv? No, I want to learn improv. Conan does play music as well. I don't know if you. Yeah, Conan can play guitar. But he keeps that off the air. Usually only does that one.

So this idea that you can't learn music and jokes, I think Conan might have something to say about that. the air. Usually only does that warm up. So this idea that you can't learn music and jokes, I think Conan might have something to say about that. All right. And that's when you get into double and triple threats. Garfunkel notes might be a little pissed off

if they heard you say that, that you can't do music and jokes. Is that who you guys are trying to be? Because you're talking at the same time? Oh, why? Is that a comparison? Do you think we could?

Yeah, you think we got the chops? When I did say you can sing at the same time and not talk at the same time, both of your eyes kind of lit up. Like, oh. Yes. I mean, look, if you think we could become Garfunkel and Oates...

Hayes has been working on a rap song about how he doesn't know how to finger a girl I'd love to hear yeah it's like a maze in there for him okay I know it's something with the alphabet but I don't

know what I'm supposed to get done with my fingers or which hand to use i i'm in trouble i'm about to blow a fuse and i come in with the beat like that yeah the lights are on it's so bright in here the windows open A word people can hear outside. But if I close the window, it's too hot. She's yelling at me. And so it's, yeah, so it's a lot of that. Uh-huh. But anyway, we're halfway through it.

And you beatbox it? I start beatboxing, and then sometimes I tag it. He only does it when I'm not rapping. Yeah. That's another note here. Can your improv for humans be more like Hamilton? Hamilton's really popular right now. Have you thought about being more historical and having

more raps? And then did you think about it? I'm not going to do that. It is what it is. My show is what it is. You guys seem like you support his list. Well, I guess what maybe you're underestimating

is to what extent we don't know what our show is and how much an email like this feels like a life raft to us. So you're letting him create your show with notes? Asking him to.

You're just pasting on notes to the side of your format and that becomes the format, basically? If it seems like somebody knows what to do with the show, well, that's one more step ahead of us. You know how he said, I like all the segments, like the one-word suggestions. Have you thought of two-word suggestions or three-word suggestions

or even five-word suggestions? And then another smiley face. He has a big thing with not using the number four. Yeah. He skipped. Why can't I have a four-word suggestion? I don't know. That doesn't make him smile.

And that's a sentence, by the way. And you're saying that makes him an expert i feel like he's just spinning his wheels with city let me see another one oh talk to your guest at the top of the show so your audience gets to know them yeah Yeah. Maybe make it the whole show. You're just talking to a guest. Has anybody tried that? And their, like, career in comedy and stuff.

Yeah. Maybe find out how they got started. It says something about, have you heard Mark Maron's show? Yeah. He talks to his guests and he starts the show

by talking about himself. Perhaps, reveal a secret about yourself on every show. Ooh, now I'm listening. That could be really interesting. Do you want to start?

Do you want to practice on this show? Yeah, maybe you say something super personal, and then I'll ask you what your religion background is. I don't feel I should have to do that. Really? Yeah, I feel like I like... Really? Yeah. I feel like I can just take a suggestion, one word, and dive into my comedy. Why do I have to have everyone reveal secrets?

So, I mean, just so I can try to... I'm just going to say back to you kind of what you're saying, and you'll hear how it sounds. Okay. This can be really helpful. Yeah, this can always help where maybe yeah this usually makes me angry but let's see how this goes so what you think is that a podcast can be just some inciting incident that generates comedy and then comedy being created sort of original new material every episode no one's catching you up on the idea of what they're doing.

No one's being interviewed about how they started in comedy. They're just here. You just said that with judgment. You said it judgmental-like. You don't ask people about how they started in comedy on your show. Well, how is anyone going to know? You guys haven't asked me. All you did was call me the improv man and the prank master general.

Well, but this is sort of an internal business type meeting. Do you feel that you're not the prank master general? I am, but you didn't describe why. We're happy to do this if you want to do this no I don't but I'm pointing out you guys didn't do it you're from Kansas or something no no no

right I know you're fucking with me well this is great RIP Adam Sachs well don't give me the well. If you want to cut to the end of the show. I don't care.

Don't. I don't need your well, though. I got the studio to one. I have a podcast, too. I know what well means. Matt, this is all for consideration for you. You were concerned about the first ten minutes that we made you wait. That's not what the well's about.

You asked how long the show was at one point. I got the studio till 1. I have to be here. I have to be here, too. I was told to be here. Yeah, that's right. This was one of the threats I got. Yeah, that if you left early that he'd take another number out of your podcast?

He says, do you want to find out what happened to Adam Sachs? Don't follow these notes. Wow. So Chris is somehow involved in that. You interpret it. Let me read it. You want to find out what happened to Adam Sachs, why he's no longer part of the company?

Why don't you try not following these notes? Then you'll be finding out what happened to Adam Sachs real quick. Adam Sachs, more like Adam got sacked, question mark. Whoa. So he's not sure if that's what he should call him. When I saw Adam Sachs when he was leaving, when i saw adam sacks when he was leaving it did look like um he had like bite marks on his hand like sort of soft ones that like didn't really break the skin like someone had really tried to bite him really hard yeah but but did not do it as hard as kind of he wanted to

he was wearing an open-toed shoe when he was walking out he had on like a teva yeah and what i saw was that it appeared that some of his toes had been put into a cigar cutter right they weren't removed but there was a very clear line on the top a dough a very dull cigar cutter yeah yeah that's the mark of someone who gives in. We're so used to seeing torture scenes on TV where it goes on for a couple of acts, you know, and they take it. But real torture, people give in. Instant. First up. Oh, yeah.

Anything. You just suggest. You don't even have to start with me. Right. You just take out the cigar cutter. At least Adam got his toes in it. I ask. I go like, hey, I out the cigar cutter. At least Adam got his toes in it. No, I don't want to see that. I ask. I go like, hey, I'm in this room.

Is there going to be some element of torture involved? Because before you go and get the tools, let's just talk about what do you want to know? Yeah, when they start unfurling the tools, you don't even let them unfurl it. Wrap that back up. I put my hand down and I say, yeah, just leave that shut. What do you think he was trying to get out of Adam Sachs if he was being tortured?

Well, I can tell you what I hope. I hope that he wanted Adam Sachs to contact the juice man about maybe giving Hayes and I each our own individual shoes. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.