Hollywood Handbook - Matt Ingebretson and Jake Weisman, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

Sean and Hayes are joined by MATT INGEBRETSON and JAKE WEISMAN from their new show Corporate on Comedy Central to tell stories. This episode is sponsored by Casper Mattresses (code: HANDBOOK) and Blue Apron.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And Martina. And Martina. And the Gore Burger. And we're drinking sweet tea, and we're sort of checking our various joints to feel whether the storm is getting closer. My foot's swelled up like a friggin' bee's nest. Yeah. You know? Like it swelled like a bee's nest would swell up.

Oh, yes. It's swelling in the same manner that a bee's nest would swell. Yeah, it's still the normal size of a foot. Right. Yeah, but it's doing what a bee's nest would do. Yeah, but it's doing what a bee's nest would do. And as I go to take my final sip of sweet tea from the glass, the gore burger cracks a one-liner that leaves me, Martina, Martina, and Martina in stitches so hard that the sweet tea comes shooting out my nose,

splashes all over all of them. Because it was a big gulp. Yeah. And I go, well, guess we don't have to worry about it getting wet from the storm anymore. And can I say, I love that story. No. It's something that makes me think about. Okay. Can we leave the gore burger out of this stuff? I assume that story. No. It's something that makes me think about. Okay. Can we leave the gore burger out of this stuff?

I assume we were. Can we not punish, I'm just saying, all this stuff that's going on. Of course. Surrounding him. Do we have to punish the gore burger? Well, and it's so important, and we talk about all the time separating an artist from their art, and should their personal life reflect on the genius that they've created? First of all, I have it on very good authority that he had no idea about any of this stuff.

Oh, yeah. No, the Gorberger, yeah, people say, how could the Gorberger not know? He didn't. He trusts people. He never would have. He believes his friends. Yes. And that's a, you know, that's a flaw.

In some ways, that's a flaw. He's a great friend, ways that's a flaw he's a great friend but he's too trusting loyalty can be a positive quality but it also can be a hindrance especially in this business where people are duplicitous and sometimes you think you know your best friend is telling you something that you believe and maybe you should be questioning it more and i've talked to the gore burger about this yeah he tried Yeah, sure. You know, but that's just him. That's G-Man. That's Gore B.

We should talk to these guys about it because you guys know Gore Burger. Well, of course. I mean, you guys probably know him better than I do. It's Jake Wiseman and Matt Ingebrigtsen from corporate. Mm-hmm. And that's on Comedy Central with the Gore Burger. Tragic what happened with Gore B. Have you talked to him?

I mean, he's been in a rough place, so we haven't spoken much, but we texted. I don't know. Yeah, I know. Well, good. You texted. I don't even know what to say. Yeah, I texted, and then what I keep seeing is the bubbles. Yeah, that's right.

Where he's thinking of what to say, but he's choosing his words so carefully because of it. He wants to be very careful right now because you don't want to do a Louis fuck-up apology. Right. Yeah. So I'm worried about him. I send him a gift basket once or twice a week, but it's been tough. Yeah.

And what's in the gift basket? Almonds. Yeah. Snickers. Such a good snack. Yeah. And popcorn. He loves popcorn.

Jewish candy. Jewish candy. Yeah. And some just He loves popcorn. Jewish candy. Jewish candy. Yeah. And some just tissues because I know that right now it's an emotional. What's it? What Jewish candy? Gelt? Actually, I don't know.

Okay. I just know that it's Jewish. I pick up the Jewish candy. And it's called, the brand is Jewish candy. Swedish gefilte fit. Hey, here we go. I'm sorry to try to we're talking about serious stuff, but we

also do want to have some jokes on this episode. I mean, in this time in the world, you know, you got to make light of things or you're going to... I don't know. Okay, well, I'm glad that we're going to actually get into this debate because do you have to make light of things? Well, and this is what the show, this corporate show.

Thank you. That's so interesting is it's a funny show. Thanks. It's on the Comedy. Comedy Central. Yeah. Why would they put it on the channel if it weren't so funny? It's Central.

But at times it can get very dark and subversive, and that's what I want to talk about with these billboards. I've seen them. I didn't know if you were even going to bring it up, Hayes. Yeah, because these billboards shook me to my core. Well, and it's tricky to even talk about. I don't even know if we're supposed to be talking about it on podcast. I mean, I'll talk about it.

Wow, Jake is okay to talk about it. Matt's scared. Well, so, I mean, it all started with the network. You know the network. Oh, my God, yes. Our overlords. Yeah, they come in, and they're pitching us this ad campaign, and it's fucking dumb, drivel, bullshit.

It's all like, what is it? Just like, have a good time. These are your new friends. Welcome to your new friends, Matt and Jakey. And they're talking about putting that up on a billboard and we're like, what the fuck? You out of touch non-millennial pieces of shit.

So we kind of devise our own plan and we have these kind of sick, twisted idea for a billboard campaign uh which is to put comedy central is corporate just text only text only black background okay because i was gonna ask i mean maybe you put that in like uh white writing on a yellow board yeah well that was i mean we talked about a lot of different options just so it's bright it's yeah no we wanted it to feel fucked up yeah we wanted to get really fucked up with this shit and so we you know stripped it down to black and white and uh well those are you know the only two

real colors yeah and and then we it is true that all other colors are fake and that's a science that people probably think that you're just being dark and twisted, but it is actually. I mean, if the truth is dark and twisted, yeah. Truth and colors, yeah. Well. I was just sort of curious about you were shaking to your core. What does that mean? Well, so marketing in general, advertising, traditionally has been something that makes you feel good, like there's something positive out there.

Oh, a new toothpaste flavor. You know what I mean? And you get excited. Well, I'll drive to the store and get that. So to drive by a billboard where I'm expecting to see an opportunity for me to get something sort of fun. Right. Like a new toothpaste flavor or whatever it is. And see, that was what we were thinking is most of the time it's that, but we wanted people

to feel alienated and upset by what we were putting out there. And so I go, oh, okay, I'm reading, and I go comedy, first word, we're safe. You're excited. I go central, I go, alright, I know that time zone. And then I'm like, is, and I'm starting

to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. You think it's going to be Jewish candy. Well, I'm like is and I'm starting to get this feeling in the pit of my stomach like uh oh you think it's going to be Jewish candy well yeah that was the first thing on my mind when I see corporate after that I go number one this is true number two this is disappointing

and number three I'm scared and I'm driving, you understand. So it's dangerous. What are you driving? Well, I have a couple of different cars that I am using at the time, just sort of trying them out. Because you're a car guy. I just love wheels and motors and all of it. And so right now I'm obviously in the Suzuki Swift.

Sure. Oh, okay. Yeah. With four different. Named after Taylor. Mm-hmm. And four different tires. So you can feel the different.

Yeah. So I'll go up on. And you'll take it up on one tire. I'll take it up on one wheel and just be like, how does this handle? And I'll take it down also to the NASCAR track and I'll just drive into the middle of a race and I'll see how I stack up against some of these so-called pro drivers. You know what I mean? Because the thing is, when it becomes your job, it's not fun anymore.

And the way to really win a race is to really have fun. And they'll be like, because I've seen, I'll buy a ticket and I'll sit in the audience and I'll just be like, wait till they see this. What are the fees on those tickets? The fees in addition to, not the ticket price itself. I don't care about the ticket price at all. The fee. That's not my concern. I'm talking about corporate stuff.

You know I care about corporate stuff. That's right. I'm a corporate boy. I forgot who you are. You know I care about corporate stuff. That's right. That's your... I'm a corporate boy. I forgot who you are.

The fees are... It depends on which section you buy tickets for. Yeah. What are the different sections? The section that I do is all the drinks that you can drink. From all the soda. All the soda that you want. And you have to be drinking the whole time.

The soda section. And if you are drinking the whole time, and if you're advertising what soda you're drinking and you're filling out forms about what your response is to each soda. And by the end, whatever you're drinking, your reaction is kind of like, I don't like this. I don't want any more soda. And it all really does taste the same at a certain point.

But then there's no fees. You ever do suicides? They don't let you do suicides. No. You can, so if you really want to do suicides, I shouldn't even be saying this, but you can take some of your last soda and keep it in your mouth.

They check to see if you're done, but you can leave a little in the pockets of your cheeks. But you have to open your mouth and you have to stick your tongue out. They do look in. They do look in. And there are certain guys that you know you won't be able to get away with it because they'll put their fingers in your mouth and make sure that you're not hiding it.

Which guy is just so I know? Brand. Yeah, Brand. Okay. Yeah. Brand. But, so anyway. And he does not wash his hands

I'm sitting No no Well he washes them in You know Right In your mouth Sure So I'm sitting there watching

And be like oh my god Sipping I'm sipping on my soda I'm like wait Let's see what happens And Sean comes like Busting it You know how there's like

A big hole in the wall Of every track Sean comes like Busting in through the hole And he's like He's like going along the other cars. Stop! Get out of here!

That's only going to make me want to drive even more. And now the other cars are like chasing him to stop him. They don't even care about the race anymore. Follow that car! They just want to stop Sean. And by the time like just before you are about to

win the race uh-huh that's when you that's when i just hit the brakes turn off peace out and go on with my day go to the store get a new toothpaste flavor or whatever you know whatever i'm gonna buy yeah yeah so but i want to talk about the billboards you must have gone out was this like one of your dead of night uh art bombing uh we went out i mean shepherd fairy style yeah deep in the middle of the night with big roller big rollers it's actually pretty small vintage rollers are small because the billboards are so big to me oh wow to me i'm sure they would seem like small rollers just because I've worked with such big rollers. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Right. But yeah, we sort of torn up jeans, cool t-shirts, and we were out there in the dead of night. Did you see Mr. Brainwash out there? We ran into him. We don't have a great relationship with Brainwash. Oh, who does? Yeah.

You must be postering over each other's posters all the time. A lot of that was going on he was throwing up uh you know even in that night that we were putting up comedy central's corporate comedy central is fun he was putting up he's trying to put up comedy central so he's working for he's working yeah so he's you know kind of been co-opted by comedy central so anyway that was a whole fucking ordeal but we were out there and it was pretty pretty wild ride that night. It was really cold. It was really cold.

That's always tough. Staying one step ahead of the poster police, I imagine. Yeah, that's right. Is Sumner in the room at all? Sumner Redstone? Sumner's been dead for a decade. And is he in the room at all when you're breaking the stories? I mean, I'll break it, sure.

Sumner, we keep Sumner. Yeah, he's in the room, but he is not alive. Wow. But it adds an interesting dynamic to the breaking of stories to have a corpse in the room that is not being preserved. Well, it comes through a little bit.

Because that would be admitting that he's dead. Well, for a corpse that's been dead for ten years, he looks bad. Really bad. It's amazing. So corpse that's been dead for 10 years, he looks bad. Yeah. Really bad. It's amazing. Yeah. So that's kind of just a little sneak peek into our creative process. Wow.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Do you believe in free will? Well, I mean, what are we talking about here? Are we talking about like— I'm talking about free will. I mean, first of all, nothing's free. Yeah. Nothing's free in this. Nothing's free in this world about I mean first of all nothing's free.

Yeah. Nothing's free in this world. Nothing's free in this world. I mean that's so especially in this country. That's kind of already the answer. It kind of already answered it.

So nothing's free. Like are you are you asking like yeah why not? Am I allowed to choose what flavor toothpaste I want to use your example?

Yeah. Great example. Like do I have to ask mommy? Mm-hmm. What does my mom think about what toothpaste I want, to use your example. Great example. Do I have to ask mommy? What does my mom think about what toothpaste is? And who is mommy? Free will hunting. And is God a woman? He's free.

Because me personally, sometimes I think I have free will. Sure. I trick myself, right? I love the illusion of free will. Of course, of course. I'm thirsty, so I'll reach for this glass of water and take a sip. Yeah. But did you actually choose to reach for the glass is the question.

Is that free will? Who told me I was thirsty, right? Right. Probably mommy. Mommy. Yeah, probably mommy. And see, this is some of the stuff Jim is saying. Well, yeah, we're going to get into Jim and Andy a little bit. Because you guys

told us that a lot of your process on this show is sort of a Jim and Andy style method acting where you never leave character. Right, yeah. Obviously, for anyone who hasn't seen Jim and Andy, there's a great documentary out

about how Jim and Andy from The Office Jim Halpert and Andy Bernard Andy Bernard. Andy Circus. Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard and Andy Circus. It was called Jim and Andy and Andy for a little while and I think they just said like

Andy Circus, yeah. Plays Angela. Jim, Andy, Andy. Sean Preston from Napster came by and said lose the second Andy. Justis, yeah. Plays Angela. Jim, Andy, Andy. Sean Preston from Napster came by and said, lose the second Andy. Just Jim and Andy. It's cleaner. So that was sort of the naming process. But he talks about how those office characters inspired him to act.

Parker, Parker. Yeah. Well, that's why they were going to reboot it Sure. Parker, Parker. Yeah. Well, that's why they were going to reboot it. Sean Parker. No, Hayes is hung up on this. No, I'm not anymore. Sean Parker. Yeah.

Now, Hayes, are you okay? I'm good now. A minute ago? No, I wasn't. Do we believe in Matt? What was swirling through your head a minute ago? I don't know what to believe anymore. Matt, do we believe in? What I heard, I heard about this guy, I wasn't that guy. Do we believe in Matt? What was swirling through your head a minute ago? I don't know what to believe anymore. Matt, do we believe in...

What I heard... I heard about this guy Sean Preston, who I had never heard of before. Sean Parker. And everyone else seems to think this is great. It's great that he said Sean Preston. But this is my job as kind of the host. This is what you see would happen without me here. And then people online you know they're

chatting well it's gonna happen then they get to chatting hey can you cut out me saying sean preston yeah i please ace i can't have people saying i don't know the right name of the napster guy i might have but now it's like... Such a part of the show. Yes. He's got to do this. Somebody central is Sean Preston. Cody was saying before that he can just hit control undo. He has a hot button. Cody, why don't you just undo everything we've said so far? A keyboard shortcut.

You want to start over? Cody, undo my dress. Yeah. Okay. Cody, can you hit me with the hot button? What's that? Isn't that what you said me with the hot button? What's that? Isn't that what you said? Like a hot pocket?

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Cody, you had such a good episode. Cody was really funny last week. Two episodes ago. Yeah, he was really good. I haven't heard that one. But I knew this one was going to be bad.

Yeah. Every time he has a good episode, you're pretty much guaranteed a month of bad episodes. Because it is the confidence that makes him so bad. Well, Cody, your hair is beautiful. You have a beautiful head of hair.

How long do you spend straightening that? I don't even really... In the dry weather? Need to, or wash it. What kind of conditioner do you use? I don't know. See? So bad.

Well, I guess let's... We're teeing him up. Nice, fat little setup. And again, I promise, two weeks ago, so good. Right over the plate. And even sonically, I can hear that now my thing is way too high up. What was happening two weeks ago that you were

doing so well we did a call in episode yeah tell them Cody tell them how good you did tell them about Cody's questions I think it's just like

about riffing you know talking to people the new even the answer even the answer yeah cause you could've just

answered that straight up well okay let's talk about yeah let's return to even the answer. Because you could have just answered that straight up. Well, okay. Let's talk about, yeah, let's return to the free will. Jim and Andy. So, obviously, you draw a lot of inspiration from Jim and Andy as well.

Could you not? Well, and I mean, the two play into each other when you're acting and you're getting into character. You start losing, in a real way, free will because you are not who you are anymore. You are another person. Talk about the process of becoming these Jake and Matt normal guys. Well, for me, it all starts at the grocery store.

Yeah. Because I ask myself, what type of food does the character, Matt, eat? And so I go to the grocery store. I spend a lot of time at Ralph's, TJ's. Just humping the food. Yeah. Yeah. And just really thinking about what types of crackers.

Is he dairy, non-dairy? Yeah. And so that is sort of the jumping off point for me. Yeah, non-dairy crackers. Yeah, non-dairy, and so that is sort of the jumping off point for me. Yeah, non-dairy crackers. Yeah, non-dairy crackers. I find, if you're going to hump the food, because sometimes you have to hump it a little bit just to know what the guy would eat. Yeah.

If you wear really big, thick glasses, then the guy, you know the guys walking around that are like, hey, stop doing that. Yeah. They'll see, it looks like you have to get up really close to the food to see what it is. Oh. So then you can be looking you can be pretending to look at one shelf really close but then you're humping the lower shelf.

I mean, that's ingenious and I wish I had that. You have to fail a lot of times to get to something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Just like Thomas Edison said. Yes. Well, yeah, that's what I just said. Yeah. That's why I was quoting that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Just like Thomas Edison said. Yes. Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, that's what I just said.

Yeah. That's why I was quoting him. Yeah. Thomas Edison, what's the exact quote? You have to fail a lot of times to get to that. To get to that kind of glasses trick. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But free will, I mean, in relation to acting and getting into character, I mean... Edison was a patent troll. Yeah. We like Tesla. I don't. And not that many people know, but I fucking love science. Tesla secretly is actually a genius. He's the actual guy. Edison's just a friggin' corporate patent troll.

Edison was a stealer from him. That's exactly right. Cody, now I know you know about this stuff. Now, Cody, tell us about Tesla. It's like electric engineering stuff. Okay, Cody. Okay, buddy. Well, how did you even know that?

Like, how do you know that? These guys don't like to... Fucking love science. I'm pretty smart. It's a thing. But I mean... I mean, did you read it? I just know it

you know like most things you know research and well that's kind of a question like free will like how do you know anything yeah

that's a great question no we don't that's there you go wow wow Cody pulled it out thought he was gonna have a bad episode

and here we are but so yeah Tesla is so fucking cool. Nobody knows about him. He's married to a bird, and he never had sex. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible life.

And he designed the city. He designed the entire city. The whole city. The whole city. Yeah. Yes. And all Edison really did was change the filament. Yeah. Fuck you. Which was change the filament. Yeah.

Fuck you. Which, by the way. You can do that so easily. Is just money. Money. Money. It's money. And he electrocuted an elephant.

Which is like, that's not an invention. Did he really? Yeah, he said that was an invention. He called that an invention. Wow. And everyone believed it. He said, may I present the world's biggest light bulb. And then he electrocuted an elephant. And honestly, may I present the world's biggest light bulb? And honestly,

he's the greatest showman. He is the greatest showman. He is Edison. Not Hugh Jackman. We should change the names of the movies. So the current war will be called The Greatest Showman. And The Greatest Showman will be called

Big Top Hugh. We have to keep moving around because Jarhead should be the current war. So we go back and we change Jarhead to the current war. Now we need a different movie to be called Jarhead. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And we have to get back to the circus movie. Carol can be called Jarhead. Which Carol could be Jarhead.

Yeah, because I think at some point she's looking at her friend across the store. She's twisting open jars to put food in there. Yes, that's right. She is sort of a jarhead. Yeah. Okay. And now I guess Hugh Jackman has to be named Carol in The Greatest Showman. Okay.

Okay. It would be nice if it were. Right? It's 2018. Can we not name Hugh Jackman Carol? Carol is one of those names I think that used to be for both genders, except for Ashley, Lynn. So I'm just saying it's possible. I wouldn't bump if the name was Carol, or I would for a minute, and then I'd get used to it and move on.

I think it'd be pretty progressive if they renamed Hugh Jackman Carol. Carol. I think that'd be a really nice gesture. And then that movie's named Carol. And if he was a lesbian. Do you think Hugh Jackman Carol in that movie. Yeah. I think that'd be a really nice gesture. And then that movie's named Carol. And if he was a lesbian. Do you think Hugh Jackman has free will? Wow. Because, I mean, I know that we don't, but does he?

So Hugh Jackman or Logan? Well, very few people know this, but Hugh Jackman did not play Logan. Yeah. Okay. As Andy Serkis. Yep. Yeah. Well, I was one of the few people who didn't know that. Not anymore.

Or wait, no. I was one of the many people who didn't know that. Can you please cut that out, Ace? I'm so off my game today. Can I say this? Speaking of the greatest showman, Jennifer Lawrence is a legit good talk show host. Okay, can Can I say this? Speaking of the greatest showman. Yeah. Jennifer Lawrence is a legit good talk show host.

Okay, can we talk about this? I mean, can you guys agree that Jimmy Kimmel messed up and broke the cardinal rule? You cannot have a guest talk show host who's better than you as a host. I mean... Wally Pip. My sports heads know what I'm talking about.

It's a Wally Pip situation. Come on. Explain that to me, because I'm not a sports head. It's for the sports heads. Okay. Then I'm uninterested. Yeah. I know you guys are, you know, you're like, you're cinema.

You know what, Hayes? I like sports. Yeah. But I don't know the Wally Pip reference. Well. This is more sort of my era of sports. Deep sports heads who are of our generation. When Wally Pipp decided to take a day off from sports,

somebody else took his place, and that person's name was Lou Gehrig's disease. And which one do we remember more now? I think we just established that you guys don't know who Wally Pipp is. It didn't catch the reference. But I think you've heard of Lou Gehrig's disease because they named a famous disease after him. Now, let me ask you guys this.

I've been meaning to... Could have been Wally Pipp's disease. Who deserves a late night talk show right now? Well, Jennifer. I mean, if you really think about it, she was such a freaking legit good talk show host. So charming, funny, unique, real. Are those the main things that you think are needed to be a talk show host?

What are the main qualities? Main qualities for me? Someone you want to spend some time with. For me, it's, I mean, we'll just list the qualities in order. Okay. Tall, white, dude. Amen. Okay.

Ideally 60s. Tall first. Yeah. Old. Old. Old, please. But still looks good. Mm-hmm.

A little too political. Sure. It just calcified, you know? Hard. Yeah. Rigid, rigid. Their skin looks hard. Mm-hmm.

Just pickled from alcohol. Thank you, yes. Loves games. You know? Yeah. Those pranks. Right? Yeah.

Freaking, you know, willing to... Go there. Go there if there is playing a game, doing a prank. A nice, something nice. Yes. Also, to Jake's point, charming. Not necessary.

Sure. But could help. And I think Jennifer Lawrence proved that. Yeah. Can I say this? I love him. I preface this by saying I love him. Should Jennifer take over a girl burger shop?

Oh my God. So you want to take his job away and that's why I say I love Gore Burger what would he do but we you know if Gore Burger

can't do Gore Burger Show I don't think you just let the brand go no it's too valuable of a property you don't like you know the whole show

doesn't have to die I don't want to see Gore Burger lose his job but if advertisers the network decides that's the best thing for the show, I really would hate to see the whole thing die when we have Jennifer Lawrence willing to step in. Yeah.

Well, I can't disagree with that. Hollywood handbook. Comedy Central question for you guys oh yeah for sure which Alex Jones parody on the network do you prefer

the Ed Helms one or the Jordan Klepper one I mean politically it's tough to answer it's tough for you know we did talk before

the show about not bringing this subject up right so I Jennifer actually has an Alex Jones parody coming out. On Comedy Central. I was going to say, why only have two? Alex is a girl's name, Alex Mack.

Okay. So that's one of those things that should be played by a woman. Yes. And Jennifer, I've seen it. It's so bad. It's like one of the worst Alex Jones parodies. Yeah. Stick to the talk shows, Jennifer.

Yeah. But you should watch it. Support her. Is it true that the network is being sued by the status quo? That too many minds have been changed? And that the status quo is actually so upset that they have filed suit and obtained counsel? Yeah. Again, it's legally, I'm not exactly sure what we're allowed to say here, but the answer is yes.

Yeah. And they're in the middle of litigation right now. I think they've got a case. Yeah. Because when I talk to people and I'm seeing how much their eyes have been opened by some of the fake impressions of like crazy Alex Jones stuff, I'm going, wow, the world's never going to be the same. How do you know so much about the law? It's getting weird.

Yeah. Because I don't have time. Like, I want to read up on the law, but I'm busy writing and performing. We're writers and performers and actors. Selling stuff. And you're like, I know about the law. Yeah, yeah. Well, I have a lot of freedom. Ielling stuff. And you're like, I know about the law. Yeah, yeah. Well, I have a lot of freedom.

I mean, one thing you did sort of answer your own question. I am not writing, performing, or selling anything. I am doing a podcast, and I really had to choose at one point, as we all do. Am I going to have a job? Yes. Or am I going to do a podcast? And we did talk about recently you graduated from law film school not that long ago. I did go to a law film school.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think movie is like the verdict. Yeah, well, it's learning to do film school. I mean, if you've seen the Ocean's 8 trailer, you understand why we're going to do a few good women. Mm-hmm. And some good women. Yeah, yeah.

It has to be less. Yeah, a few less good women. Yeah. Because, of course, we have Ocean's 11, Ocean's 12, Ocean's 13. A few less good women. Because of course we have 11, 12, 13. When it's women, it's Ocean's 8. It should probably be a couple good women. A couple ladies. We're going to bring in

all the most relevant stars of today. Do I list them? Korberger's involvement is in flux. Hey, can you let the dog out and ask Kevin if he'll walk him? There is no dog in here. Kevin! There's not a dog in here.

Kevin is running. Kevin's dead. Kevin? Hi. Can you take the dog out? And this is a thing for Sean. It helps Sean doing the show to think that there's a dog. Yeah, and that Kevin exists. Yeah, it's outside.

It should be right next to your desk. Anyway, Sean, I just want to say it's a beautiful dog, and you should be really proud of it. That's really helpful for me, thank you. Well, I'm so happy. I mean, sometimes people don't say that, and I'm almost like, well, can they not see the dog? Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

And we're proud of you, Sean. Big tail. Big bushy tail. Bushy. I mean, the bushiest tail. And I love petting it. Small uterus. Oh, no. Big. Big. I loved how big the uterus was. Big old ute. Bushy uterus. Big ute. I mean,

just a bushy, just a bushel of a uterus. Yeah, yeah. It's yellow. Boy, imagine the litter. Kevin didn't take any pictures today. Well, I kind of stopped him from doing it. Oh, you did? You said no pictures?

Well, no, I made him do something else. Oh, but he only came in when I called him. But he came in with the camera. Yeah, I know him do something else. Oh, but he only came in when I called him. But he came in with the camera. Yeah, I know, because he forgot. Ah. Jake, you tweeted something last night. Oh, did you have that? About podcasts.

My phone is going really slow. But let me try to remember it. You also followed me on Twitter last night, Hayes. Yeah, because I was excited to do the show today. I already followed you on Twitter, and so I think I have this tweet. So, Jake, you tweeted something last night about podcasts. Oh, yeah. It's interesting for our podcast audience maybe to hear.

The popularity of podcasts is based completely—oh, I'm sorry. Let me start over. Jake Wiseman. Take two. At Jake Wiseman. Take two. Verified Wiseman. Take two. Verified blue check. Picture that. The popularity of podcasts is completely based in depression and loneliness

and the need to not feel anything for at least two hours every single day. Now, I'll go on. Beneath, someone who I know works in your writer's room said have fun doing those podcasts tomorrow. Now it makes me wonder was this guy at work

complaining about having to do podcasts tomorrow? And I will say I feel bad for all the other shows that he's doing today except ours that he was complaining about. This feels like an ambush

and I have to stand up for my friend right now. I can be ambushed. That's fine. What time did I tweet it? Did you even look at the time? 8.12 p.m. 12 p.m.?

8.12 p.m. I wasn't at work. I finish my work early. I don't need to work until 8 p.m. The scenario I believe, Sean, is picturing that earlier in the day

around 4 o'clock you're going like, God, I got this fucking podcast. Well, I was bragging to the writer's room about doing podcasts. He was proud to be doing this podcast. I was like, yeah the writers room about doing podcasts he was proud to be doing this podcast I was like yeah I booked it it was easy

we just sent an email they watched the show and they're like gotta have them and I was like I kind of wanted you to say no so I had to come wrestle you for a spot well you love the fight I mean that's the thing you're so mad to be offer only because the auditions

the fight the scrapping, the winning. That's what drove you for so long and now that it's all available. I'll say this for people who listen to our show. It's not about depression and loneliness because, A, we are their real friends. Yes. Other shows are like, oh, we're friends. We're actually hanging out it's to simulate hanging out with your real friends

but with this show you actually are can I say something to defend myself it was a joke we're going to cut that out it's like the dark subversive thing yeah because it's like whatever you're reading is kind of the opposite I don't want to be on Comedy Central's end of the stick.

You know what I mean? I don't want to be getting billboarded like they did. Well, watch it. Huh? I said watch it. Watch what? Oh, yeah, watch my step? Yeah.

Yeah, he's the tallest guy here. Watch this. That's the thing, he's taller than Mr. Braywash. He could get that. Yeah, he could get really high up. Mr. Braywash didn't think about that. P, he could get really high up. Mr. Braywash didn't think about that. Posterize him. Now, let me ask you this.

Who do you guys feel, what is the demographic of your podcast? Of our podcast? Be careful. Party dudes. Okay. Party legends. You're alienating a lot of people. Party girls and party dudes.

Girls can be party dudes, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Since when? It's freaking 2018 by the time this comes out. Yeah. Yeah. Girls can be party dudes. So it's party dudes. Girls can be party dudes, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Since when? It's freaking 2018 by the time this comes out. Yeah. Yeah, girls can be party dudes. So it's party dudes.

It's probably righteous ragers. Professionals? Club kids. Do they work hard and then play hard? Yeah. Weekend warrior types, I think. Glow stick freaks. Mm-hmm.

People who can do that dance where they pretend they're holding a ball. Oh, I've seen it with a cube, too. But people who can create a glowing cube through just moving their hands. I would say, yeah, rave maniacs, crunchy jam band lovers. If you find out you have a fan who doesn't fit in this category, are you like, get out? No, they listen to a few episodes and then they find their sort of community. Yeah, everyone can find their tribe.

There's a bunch of tribes within it. I mean, it is very much, you know, I just mentioned all our crunchy jam band like true heads. We talk a lot about heady nugs on the show and just like getting totally just fucking zooted. And so

those people just like at any champion festival you might not necessarily see every band. Maybe you're going to see Jiggle the Handle but you don't want to see

Deep Banana Blackout. Right. Of course. Maybe you're going to check out Percy Hill but you're not going to be there for the Mo Banana Black out. Right, of course. Maybe you're going to check out Percy Hill, but you're not going to be there for the Mo set. Right. And all of these ideas,

whether you're there to see The Slip or whether you're just there to see Soul Life, it doesn't matter as long as you're being true to yourself. So who are my fans? The ones that really know themselves and know that I'm their real friend. Cody. Cody sometimes forgets that I can see his screen. And so I'm looking at his screen all day through the entire show.

And he just changed his screen as if I hadn't already seen what was on it. But what I saw on it was very nice. And it was a chat. He was in a chat room with the other engineers. Oh, wow. Isn't that right, Cody? I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry, because I want people to be friends

during listening to the show. He's having a little party just here as we're listening. Oh, I do not see them as friends. I forget Kevin's name usually. And this is like Cody's room thing.

He's like, oh, I don't need any friends. Yeah, such a rebel. Cody, it's okay to admit that you need people in your life. No. The reason I want

people to be friends while they're listening to the show, Jake, is merch. We sell more merch. Okay. Yeah. Do you guys have tees?

Yes, we do. No, we don't because they got sold out. Well, congratulations. In all sizes. How much of that money do you take home personally? You've got to take it home and not to the bank. What's the number? First of all, whatever we get, we've got to split between

me and Hayes. It's a percentage. I have no way of knowing how many they made, how many they sold, what they sold for. So whatever they give me, I just have to believe that's what it was. And you bought a house with this t-shirt money, right? Yeah. I mean, it's an outdoor house for cats. And I actually put a little fleece blanket in there. So it's a field?

Yeah. See, people think houses have to be like indoors. No, no, no. Houses can be outdoors. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it's a field. But there's a little fleece blanket in there.

And it is beautiful. And I paid for it all with t-shirts and it's the house the t-shirt's built. That's entrepreneurship right there. Well, you know, America is a land of innovation. Yeah. And the way that people are starting to disrupt

some of these old models. Thomas Edison stole that from Tesla, that idea. Tesla was the first disruptor. Yeah. Oh, he disrupted freaking everything. Disrupted that bird for sure. Yeah. He married a pigeon.

Yeah. And he's a virgin. Mm-hmm. Freaking you think about that. You save your ideas up that way. We've talked about it on the show before, but there's nothing sexier than saving your load for marriage. Yeah, I mean, I've always said that.

Talk about that a little bit. Neither of you is married. Neither married. And my load is preserved inside of my body. I don't want marriage to be sexy because I don't think that's what it's about. I think it's about pain, and I think it's about buying stuff together, and I think it's about in-laws and stuff. Sexy stuff is for before marriage and in the middle of marriage,

but not with your marriage. You were the one who first pointed out to me that you can't spell marriage without mirage. Mm-hmm. I said it in your house. Can I go back to the loads really quick? Please. I just want to like, are either of you married?

I'm starting to be, yeah. I am married, but my wife is not married to me. Okay, well, you'll relate to this in the past, but how painful it is to save your load. Oh, yes. The physical pain that goes along with it. But the reward, because as they say, and again, I've said this on the show before,

but it's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean of load that you saved. And it's tough for the wife, too. I don't want to act like it's all pain for the guy that it hurts because they have such a huge load. It sucks for them to not be able to get the load. No, I think women love it. It might be nice, and this is a merch idea for you guys.

See, this is the darkness. Promise rings that say it's not the motion. What was it? It's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean of load that you've been saving. Now, imagine a promise ring, and on the inside of the promise ring, that's engraved in a nice calligraphy.

Yeah. Now, I'm just spitballing here. Yeah. It's a huge ring, right? It goes around your waist. It's a waist, yeah. It's a gold band that circles around your waist. That could help cinch

up that load. Yeah. I'm just excited because I obviously have been putting on a lot of weight because I've been saving my load. That's the thing. How much does a load grow every year that you don't

use it? Every year? I'm talking Gregorian calendar. I mean, Tesla theorized that the load grew one bird's worth. You know? Now, obviously, birds have hollow bones. They're very light, but they still have a plump breast. And it adds up. Yeah.

And for a while, the volume grows. For a long time, it's just like more and more load. But then eventually, it runs out of room until it gets denser. Yes. Way denser. How do you know this? Just through experience? You can feel it.

It's like you can just feel it. Yeah, I don't really. I mean, I've had the talk with my dad. Yeah. You have a dad? How did that go? What did he say to you? He sat me down and he showed me scans of his load

from prior to conceiving me and he kind of time lapsed through a series of images Crossfades? Yeah, there were crossfades, star wipes. It was the old, you know. And was Philip Glass music playing in the background of this?

Was it Phil? Was it Phil? It was Ira Glass in the background. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Just on a recorder. Mr. Glass.

And he said to you. They call him Mr. Glass. He said son. What did he say? I mean, recreate the whole thing. I guess this is helpful because not only are we their real friends, the listeners, but also we're their real dads. That's right.

And some people need that. Some people listen to a show to replace the missing dad in their lives, but not in this case. We are their real dads. Yes. Yes. And some cynical podcast hosts want to give fatherly advice just to sort of cash in in a way, but we do it because we're their real dads and we want to see them grow up right.

You care. But he sat me down and he said, what do you think this is? I said a swamp? Like a satellite image. From the 80s. Like an old timey satellite.

A great satellite image of the Everglades. Is it a swamp? He's like guess again. I said a bog? A marsh? To me that's what it looks like, so I don't have, and he said, nah, dude, that's my fucking love, dude. Whoa. And so now. And he never talks like that.

So now he's got my attention. You're hooked. I go, okay. What else? He goes, what do you think this is? I go, I don't want to say swamp. Wetlands? Yeah, exactly.

He goes, this is also my load. And I go, but it's so much bigger and denser. How is that possible? And he goes, well, because I didn't waste't waste it I should say the beginning of the story is I was masturbating and he said freeze and he had a gun

oh yeah yeah that's canon on the show he's a retired cop so as we look and he starts to show me that the saved load is really sort of beautiful um and he says do you think that you would have been born with as many extra pieces if i hadn't saved this for so long and i have obviously there's pock marks all over my abdomen where there was extra fingers and stuff If I hadn't saved this for so long. And I have, obviously, there's pockmarks all over my abdomen where there was extra fingers and stuff growing out of me.

Yeah. And, you know, that always, to me, was a real advantage to just have that experience and have the perspective of somebody who had a finger coming out right beneath their nipple. Yes, yes, yes. And I said, well, no, I suppose not. I suppose I would have just had the bare minimum of pieces. Right.

And he said, well, then what do you think you should do? And I did one more stroke. And then I stopped. And I put it away. And I haven't seen it since. What is the bare minimum of pieces? Well... Like for a human.

For a human being? Yeah. Like, what are you talking about? I mean, I hesitate to say it in crass terms. Don't hesitate. Two tits a hole in a heartbeat. A heartbeat. Don't hesitate.

Two tits a hole in a heartbeat. And so all this, this is, you know, you ask us who our audience is, this is like the kind of stuff for our audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is all non-virgins who have never busted. Good. So that's, you know, it's like you cannot be a virgin and listen to this show, but you also cannot have ever busted before.

Yeah. So Comedy Central is corporate. When does the show come out? Okay. January 17, 2018. But, and now here's a little bonus for your virgins, for all the virgins out there. There are no virgins. Like I just said, there are no virgins out there. They have never busted before.

Yes. But they are not virgins. Okay. You're thinking of a different show. For the non-busters out there, January 17, 2018. But there are four episodes available online right now on the Comedy Central app and ComedyCentral.com that you can watch for free. And there's a Vimeo. How much of that money do you get? With a password.

Should we post the video, the Vimeo page and the password? Jake told me that nothing's free. Well, you're gonna like my tweet. It was a joke. That's comedy. Sinister joke. Because I'm dark and twisted.

Yeah, we're twisted. This guy's filling some of the void that Goreberger left for us. Yeah, that's comedy. Sinister joke. Okay. Because I'm dark and twisted. Yeah, we're twisted. And it's... This guy's filling some of the void that Goreberger left for us. Yeah, that's right. R.I.P. Is the Comedy Central player still as good as it's always been?

Premium player. Mm-hmm. Really nice, yeah. Will it still automatically start playing other things that I don't watch in the middle of what I want to watch? In the middle of the show. Absolutely.

Sometimes you want to see the same commercial six times. Yeah. Because you're like, I'm trying to memorize this. Because it's like, was that guy in my improv class? I don't know. Some shows will become a different show at the end. Right.

Which is when you expect it to be a different show. Like, Comedy Central will do it at the middle or even sometimes at the beginning. Suddenly Klepper's yapping at you two minutes into an episode of Quirk. And you're like, oh, yeah, this can't be the same show, but that other one was so short. Right. Can I go back? No. So enjoy the Comedy Central app, premium app, best app, the best app.

It's so much better for you guys not to be on that app than for them to have some sort of contract with a streaming network. We feel it's for the best. We petition for that. Cody has on his screen an IMDB list called My Favorite Actors.

I was working on it. Number one is Johnny Depp. Wow. What do you like about him? You guys seen Blood Diamond? Bye. I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production.

Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.