Hollywood Handbook - Matt Rogers, Our Las Culturistas Friend

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

The Boys welcome MATT ROGERS on the show to explain why they weren't invited to the Las Culturistas Culture Awards (which you can watch today on Bravo).Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. So I'm at the, uh, I'm outside today and the, um, what's the term for these now? I'm outside the street. Yeah. But is outside. The street. Yeah, but are you supposed to say that or does that have a negative connotation? I have the, I have the exact same thing. And I end up when I'm trying to like tell people where I am. It's a fucking mind field.

I'm so scared to even say, like. I'm paralyzed. Yes. I'm paralyzed. Normal words I used growing up have become verboten. And I don't know if I can say that. So, you know, but at any rate, I'm on the whatever it is. Yeah. I'm walking.

I see a bunch of teens gathered. They're all ordering from one of these taco trucks. Rochelle, you probably do this, huh? I'm 32. Okay. Do you ever order from one of these taco trucks? Rachelle, and we can do this right now. Like honestly, we can do a clean slate on that,

on the 32 of it all. And like we can set your age, I swear to God, for the rest of your life. Anywhere you want. Whatever age you wanna be for the rest of your life is what you say next. Rachelle, in the kindest terms possible, you have no digital footprint right now.

Yes. Any age you say, we're setting it. Look at me, look at me. This is the guy actually to talk to about this, okay? So talk to him. So do you know Matt, Rachelle? For you and for me. This is the guy actually to talk to about this, okay? So this is, so do you know Matt, Rachelle? For you and for me. This is Rachelle. For us both.

Yeah. Cause I'm gonna be thinking about it all day. Yes. Say 26. You're thinking, I wanna be- You think so? Take it back, say 26. You're thinking, I wanna be 29.

Well, you are gonna be 29 in three years. I'm 26. And I'm gonna be 29 in three years. Good. Thank you, Matt. And that's easy. You walk out this door, you're 26. Where are you from? Congratulations.

Where are you from? The Bay Area. Is that real or is that what we're setting? What's happening? And also, I would love to clean that one up too. Cause do me a favor, look at me, say New York. New York is cool. Say New York and don't say anything else.

26, but she's so mature because New York, they grow up faster, don't they? New York. There. Bay area is over. One of the boroughs or? Don't say anything else. Don't say anything else.

Is there a way to say it that's not the way she did to say New York? Because it was one word, it sounded like nyerk. Don't let them. You said it perfectly. You like that? Okay, great. You said it perfectly. I defer, I absolutely defer it. Well, I assume

that must be how they say it there. I'm from there. Yeah. So that's how I know how to say it. And I'm actually from Long Island. Cut all this out. But I say New York, because how to say it. And I'm actually from Long Island. Cut all this out. But I say New York, because I can say that. Rochelle, are you nervous about turning 30 in four years? I'm very nervous about turning 30 in four years.

31, yes, we're just gonna want the math to be so quick. Do you wanna be nervous about it or is it not even really on your radar? Cause you're so young. You probably shouldn't act, look at me. You shouldn't be nervous until you're 28. So right now just say you're not. It actually, 26 you think I can't wait to be 30.

Yeah. That's a real grown up. That's gonna be cool. When I'm a grown up and not a kid, that's gonna be cool. What's on your mind right now? What's on your mind? You just got kicked off your parents' insurance. That's what happened. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't have insurance right now. Good. They're actually right about that. That's something you should worry about right now. And also globally. Everything going on. Boys. Yeah, boys.

I don't know your orientation. Boys. Okay, good, we'll set that. She's liking boys. And he, you know, this is the guy. Me too, love boys. Well, that's not what I was saying. Well, let's call it out.

He's a gay guy on the show. Well, let's talk about that. We usually wait, it's like minute. We wanted to kind of dig in. It's minute six usually that we be like. That you start talking about the yes orientation. We just minute six usually that we be like. Yeah, reform and it's this. Yes, orientation. We just go, yeah, just cause like, we need our listeners to not be like wondering.

You know what I mean? What are your big questions about it? But we like to set up, it's like lost. We like to set up the like the little mystery of like, what's that sound? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, who's that? Is that like a monster of some kind?

Yeah, sort of. Like, was a tiger? That kind of thing. And then sort of falls apart in the middle. Ultimately, it's about God. So you get away with whatever you had said before. Whatever, yes. It's like, it was about God. Yes.

Well, because we had a plan and everyone guessed what it was and then we had to be like, no, it's not. Right. No, it's not and we knew that it wasn't that. And it never was gonna be that. It was gonna be whatever this is. Well, speaking of it's not. Right. Yeah, right. No, it's not, and we knew that it wasn't that. And it never was gonna be that, it was gonna be whatever this is. Well, speaking of it all being about God, if I could just wrap up my story from earlier,

I saw a bunch of teens at a taco truck, and it was just like, it was very disturbing, they're all cussing, and I thought, all these kids are talking about Al Pastor, but they need to be talking to their pastor, Al. Psh. You know what I mean? Yes. be talking to their pastor, Al. You know what I mean? Actually, yes. Actually, yes.

It's just very discouraging. What kind of cuss words were they using if you don't mind repeating them? Matt, you're talking to the guy who didn't want to say the word street. So as I'm getting into this, I'll say this. They use the CH word. Wow.

The CH word meaning Christ? they use the CH word. Wow. The CH word meaning Christ? What is the CH word? Yes, Matt, they were using it, but like in a nasty way. I don't think of Christ as curse, I think of Christ as King. Well, he is if you treat him like one. But also, it's funny because Christ, okay,

is Christ King? Yes. Is Christ also the lowliest of my brethren? Actually, yeah. Like actually, actually, yeah. So. He's everything. And the middle one.

Yeah, and the middle. The middle brethren is too. And just me. The most middleist of my brethren. Christ is middle management, and we don't talk about it enough. Yeah, middle brother in his team. And just me. The most middleist of my brethren. Christ is middle management and we don't talk about it enough. Yeah, no, Christ is mid. Christ is mid. Christ is mid as fuck.

Yeah, on God. Cause honestly, if it was all that, wouldn't he be back by now? Cause don't we need him now more than ever? If you're coming back, isn't like TikTok bitch. Wow. Hey Christ, TikTok bitch. Yeah, I'm checking my watch and it's a-

Oh, hello. Things are not going great. Kind of time, yeah. We're not exactly kicking ass right now. No, we're actually, we're facedown in the street. Well, actually one of us is kicking ass and it's you, Matt. So we have a titan of podcast in here with us today. And this is how you get a guy like Jesus Christ

to do your show. Yeah. You know? I think he would be an amazing influencer. The Jesus Christ to do your show. Yeah. You know? I think he would be an amazing influencer. The clip starts to do the rounds. He shows up, he's like, I saw the clip, here I am. Matt, you wanna say it to my face? But it's fun, it's all fun.

It's not like serious. Matt, I guess we've got beef apparently. It's like, no, we're actually friends. We actually talked off the air, you know? I'm a fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do a thing about, like nothing I say on a podcast is like, is real. Exactly. I'm just like, I have to talk all, like nothing I say on a podcast is like, is real.

I'm just like, I have to talk all day long. I have the jester's privilege. I'm allowed to say Christ is sucks. And like, you know what I mean? Like it's like, but I love you, man. But let me be real for a second. Yes. If you like that. I love you.

Your work like means so much. You're like sobbing. Like the reason I got into podcasting. You think that you, so you, you're complimenting my earnest podcasting in an earnest way. No, I'm, I got into podcasting. You think that you, so you, you're complimenting my earnest podcasting in an earnest way. No, I'm, I was inhabiting you. Oh, so Hayes was being you.

I was being you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you were being crushed. And you're saying that to Jesus when he does your show. Yeah, I think I would say that to him. Do you want me to like- No, no, no, I don't need that from you. If you wanna say, if you wanna say something earnest

and nice about my podcasting, you can and are welcome to that. But in terms of you being me, yes, that was something I would say to Christ. I would love to be the kind of guy, God, I wish I could be the kind of guy who meets someone he admires, who just didn't get invited

to the Las Culturas Culture Awards. But still I did not get invited. But I would love to be a guy. That wasn't my purpose. And I would love to be a guy. Now you're both invited. Who didn't get invited. And yet on the other side of that

could still have the grace and the. Generosity of spirit. And the self-assuredness to have something to give. The confidence. Yeah, to be able to check out of myself my wound. Yeah. To put that aside. Which is not being invited. So do you- So not just not being invited,

but to have your appearance be scheduled in the window between the actual event. Sucks. And the airing of the event. The premiere of it. So it's too late for us to go, but it's just on time for us to be used. It's like being sent someone's gift registry

for their wedding, but you're not invited to attend. You know what I mean? I want to apologize. It's like, well, I'll take what I can get out of it. Yeah. Here's the thing. I am sorry that you guys weren't there because I think that you would have enjoyed it. That sounds like it's being put on us. Did you hear that?

Yes. I'm sorry that you guys weren't there. If I can't take responsibility for it, I won't. I'm sorry that you guys weren't there. No, I mean, you definitely could have bought a ticket. It's just that we have a lot of diehard fans and they make it really hard for people like you guys to buy tickets because you weren't excited enough to buy one.

But yet you- Was there a secondary market? Sorry? Was there a secondary market? Of course there's a secondary market. There's always a secondary market. What are they? What are we pushing around town?

I don't know, like, it's probably a couple thousand dollars to be honest with you if I'm thinking like, actually. And I have nothing to do with that either, like I'm not customer service, so if you have a problem with how much the tickets cost, you can take it up with the live guest. It was the Orpheum Theater in downtown Los Angeles, right between the Chick-fil-A and the Massage Envy.

So you can get a sense of like, it was a nice place. And I know it's downtown, but you know, that's where the culture is. Why is it called Massage Envy? No, sorry, why is it called Massage Envy? Well, I think everyone wants a massage, and when people are in there, you can sense that they're probably getting one.

And the people doing the massage are so jealous of the people that are getting it. Getting it? I can speak to that a little bit. That's why they have you be face down, because if you could see their face, it's like, they're student up. I'm getting one tomorrow and I actually never can get

out of my own way about the fact that like, I always ask for a man, a man is touching me and I always think like, when is it gonna become something more? Yeah. Oh, sure. When is it gonna cross the line? To that. And how will I react? And it will happen. So it's like, it's not an if.

You're saying it's like when, when is this going to happen? At what point in the massage is this going to? Yeah, yeah. At some point we fuck it. So when is it? Yeah. Cause I'm ready. I come in rocks.

How much time do you wanna need? I come in bricks. It's a time, it's a schedule. Bricked up, yeah. I make sure I haven't come for days, which is so hard for me. I absolutely love to come. Yeah, harder than freezer meat, yeah.

Yeah, and so I'm like going there and they're ready to goon and a half. And I'm just like, it's all up to you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's nice of you to let them pick, you know, to let them decide at what point in the massage they want to transition into eroticism. Listen. Versus you walking in and being like,

yeah, yeah. We don't have to pretend it's a massage. For all the masseuses, masseuse that listen to this show, I'm ready right away. I'm bricked up right now. He's already ready already. Yeah, I'm ready already. And you like to get onto the next thing also.

So like if we could not like. Yeah, my typical massage is I get completely nude, I get face down on the table, I'm flipped over within the first three minutes and I'm out the door. I never actually have my muscles interacted with. I'm already loose as shit. So my thing is like, let's just get me coming

so I can be going. Yeah, coming and going, that's right. That's life, baby. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? Yeah, it was very musical the way you said that. It's a beautiful thing. It is very musical. I am naturally musical.

I have no training, no training. Well, what's training anyway? But the circle of fifths just lives inside. Popped out the shoot with just a musical thing about it. You guys would do an amazing duet. And not that this podcast is not a duet already. Yeah, we're doing one. Yeah, I mean, it really is.

It's very musical what you guys do, and I love listening to it. It's on Spotify, so. And Matt on the bass. Yeah, wherever you get your podcasts. But what I'm saying is if you guys- Are you going back to the Massage Envy next to the Orpheum Theater,

so you can just kind of look up at the stage and be like, God damn, we really didn't, didn't we? No, I'm not gonna go downtown unless I'm on stage in front of 2,500 people. Well, let's hope the massage therapist doesn't say that. Right. You'd like them to go downtown. You'd like them to go downtown.

Oral sex. Correct, yes. Listen, whatever it is you're gonna do as long as I'm coming within the first four minutes, and I can come all sorts of ways. Seriously, just eat the butt. No, yeah, whatever. Kiss me, kiss me earnestly.

But you said you were flipping over. Just, yeah. In that instance. I've said on a show before. But I'm just saying it doesn't need that. I've said on the show before, once is your compliment would be all it would take for me. Once is your compliment? And I'm holding out the,

I think it's the only way it's ever gonna happen. What about just like, so would it have to be sincere, when you mean sincere, just it has to be genuine, like what a nice back. Not gonna make you cum. I could.

I could see it, yeah. But you could tell that wasn't sincere. Well, this is coming up as an example of what it might be. You know what I mean? Huh, what a lovely back. That could do it. That could do it. It was the word lovely?

Lovely rather than the huh. It was the huh. I think the huh was like, it's really occurring to you in the moment. Can we talk about huh? Like it really rocks. Because it is an orgasm of it, of in a way. Huh, like it's not a word.

It's like, it's more of, it's, it has to be called an exclamation. It's an involuntary outburst. It springs forth from you. Yeah. So I guess it is. There's not like a decision behind it. It's involuntary, isn't it?

It's a little death. Can you just feel him reeling us back in? Can you see like, Oh, I'm getting played. I like, I'm getting played. I'm getting worked and I'm dancing. I'm dancing, talking about music. I'm dancing to your Tarantella right now.

The whole point today was to go over this Las Culturistas Awards, so-called, and to talk about who was there. Cause what I know is somebody's in my seat. There were actually empty seats and I was pissed off about that. And I actually in a real way said to the producer, I was like, we need to fill those seats.

And would have been nice to have you guys there as bodies. What a lovely back, et cetera. What a lovely body in a seat. You're both handsome guys. I would love John Camera. That the Chick-fil-A is right there for me to go holding my award and just be like,

is that Chick-fil-A after like the big awards? I'm in my gown. You wouldn't have the award because we only were able to make three. So actually what happens is, and this is for BTS, you win the award and it's taken from you. And you're not gonna,

so you wouldn't be in the Chick-fil-A with the award. You won't let me go next door and just take a picture with it? No, we need to give it to people. I gotta be eating casually at a fast food, oh my God, fancy guy wins awards. He actually just eats fast food like a normal guy. Yeah.

In my gown. Called Jumaadis at In-N-Out with his Oscar. That guy actually is cool. The In-N-Out with his Oscar. Mm-hmm. This guy actually is cool. The In-N-Out thing, when I was growing up watching award shows and they would all go to In-N-Out after, I always thought like, oh, Hollywood, that's so fun. Like after the big awards, like they drive to the In-N-Out

and you don't realize it's because the Oscars is in a mall and the In-N-Out is right there. Yeah. Because I couldn't accept when I was a little kid that it was just in a mall. And then I went to the accept when I was a little kid that it was just in a mall. And then I went to the Oscars with Bowen this year and it was just in a fucking mall. It's the one by Hollywood High.

Is that where we're imagining they go? It's in the worst place you could ever want to be. It's in the street. I know where it is, I've been. That one is basically in the street. It's true. Have you guys written for the Academy Awards? You write for all sorts of things.

Yes and no. What do you mean yes and for all sorts of things. Yes and no. What do you mean yes and no? Yes and no. Yes and no. All right. Like you write for it like at home watching, like guessing who's gonna win. So you just like write like,

I think it's gonna be Anne Hathaway. He, so here's what has happened. He had a pitch that he told me about for the Academy Awards that ultimately did not end up getting used. Oh, bummer. Correct? Technically, no, they didn't end up using it.

Well, there's a ton of great material. My idea was this, a tribute to movies, the history of cinema. You know what I mean? I just thought. You got to write for the cultural awards. Can they finally, you cinema. You know what I mean? I just thought. You gotta write for the cultural awards. Can they finally. That's what we do.

Can they finally celebrate, you know. It's really when you really zoom out. The whole thing's about movies, isn't it Matt? 100%. You know it's the 50th anniversary of Jaws. Stop. Yeah, 50 years. Wanna be old? 50 years.. Stop. Yeah, 50 years. Wanna be old?

50 years. Yeah. It has been 50 years. Whoa. Hollywood ham. Hey everyone, today I wanna talk to you about Found as a fellow small business owner. Sorry, that copy should say as a small fellow business owner.

I have a business that caters to the small fellow. Well, you see these big and tall stores out there and you go like, do they not have enough? They're already big and tall. But what about incy weincy clothing for small fellows? And I really relate to the struggle of managing your finances while also trying to grow your business.

Well, and it is ironic you want the business to be as big as it can be. And that has really caused a lot of tension because- It alienates your audience. Yes, because they want the business to be eency weency as well. And so, after all, who's got the time to knit all these clothes and help them try them on and everything?

Like go into the, like you can't go into the dressing room and everyone. Even to find them. Yes. Even to find them sometimes. To find all the, yes, to find these small fellows. Well, they'll be riding a mouse around and then the mouse will run into its hole inside the wall and then you'll be like, I can't get inside the wall.

They don't wanna be found. You're gonna come out and like, yeah. The small fellows don't wanna be found and like when I'm, like what's crazy, they'll help me make the clothes at night, but it's like, I actually try to sell the clothes to you. You know what I mean? It's like, this is great that I have the inventory,

but I need you guys to buy the clothes for me. Yeah, and they're kind of going like, well isn't the labor that I put into making the clothes, shouldn't you be paying me for that? And it's like, but then if I'm paying you. That was just going out the door. Who made the clothes that you have on? I mean, this is gonna sound like a joke.

The margins are so small. Like already the margins are so small. And I don't know. There's not a good answer. That's why I started using found. Oh, there is a good answer, use found. Found is a business banking platform. It made everything about managing my business finance

as easy, automatically tracking expenses for me, helping to manage invoices and find write-offs. They've saved me so much time and money. I used to do one app for my accounting, one for my banking, one for tax prep, and now I just use Found for everything. Oh, and by the way, other small businesses are loving Found too.

This Found user said, Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices even. I don't think they needed to send the real guy to just stand here while I read a quote that he said, just so I could say this Found user, just to prove that he's a real guy.

No offense to this guy, but. And let me just to prove that he's a real guy no offense to this guy but and let me just do the there's a little song at the bottom that I'm supposed to do and it says amazing app the best was broke, but now I use found. Open a found account for free at F-O-U-N-D.com slash the boys found as a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Pyrma Bank member FDIC. Don't put this one off. Join thousands of small business owners

who have streamlined their finances with found. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. Let's go down the list here. Let's go through who, yeah, who was at the awards. It's everyone who's done our- Not the fans. You keep assuming that I wanted to be-

Darcy Carden was there. You keep assuming I wanted to be in the seats as a seat filler or that I wanted to buy a ticket. You wanted to- I heard that too. I noticed that too. I say I wasn't invited. Uh-huh.

I actually mean to sort of participate in the show as- Got it. Talent? Yeah. Sure. Well, we had Jamie Lee Curtis, we had Jeff Goldblum, we had Mindy Kaling, we had Law Roach. Did Jamie Lee Curtis give sort of the same speech that she had given at the Oscars where she was like,

she was a presenter and she let me just say she made it her own, AKA did not do the copy. But you know what? What she did was true to her. And that's really what is so important is being authentic. That's what you've always said about your show, Matt, I assume is that you want people to feel comfortable being themselves.

Absolutely, 100%. No artifice. You know, that's really the key, is just go out there and be yourself, and I think as long as you're true to you. The arm of that chair is getting a lot of stickin' to the tension. I like the chair. And can I tell you, I'm currently-

I guess it's a couch. What am I calling it, a chair? It's a couch. I would call it a couch, cause it's three. So are we, what was the award that she, it was- She presented the Jamie Lee Curtis Award for gusto, enthusiasm, and individuality. I can't say who won.

When is this coming out? This- Rochelle? Not sure we're gonna put this one out. Rochelle, are we doing this one for, just for us, or is this one for the public? Can I tell you something? I did this so gonna put this one out. Rochelle, are we doing this one just for us or is this one for the public? Can I tell you something? I did this so that it could come out.

Because I'm not one of these fucking, I don't know, not made of time. This is a huge fucking week for me. I'm not the one or the two as they say. When is this coming out? They just wanted to meet you. When is it coming out? Because I helped you earlier.

If this is gonna be a bitch contest, I'll win.. When is it coming out? Cause I helped you earlier. If this is going to be a bitch contest, I'll win. So when is it coming out? And remember, remember as you answer, remember as you answer, Michelle, that you are 26 from New York. Which means you should have a much quicker answer. So we're not doing the 32 Bay area response. When is it coming out?

I really don't know. Oh Jesus. So now I don't really know what I can say, but fine. If it comes out on the day or before the show. When's the show airing? Watch your tone. And it comes out August 5th on Bravo and it streams next day on Key What.

So sensitive about it. Watch it do what? Huh? Watch my tone do what? I'm watching it, what's it gonna do? Jesus Christ, you're fresh. My favorite quality. Pound it. Come on now, get out of town.

Anyway, Jamie was great. She was great, she brought an amazing energy. Who are you texting? What's up? I'm looking at her body of work and it's like, there's stuff. Oh, you're looking at her discography, her filmography. There's stuff in there, but I'm just like, I'm not feeling like the selectiveness wasn't always there

in terms of like, you're signing off on like, you're putting her up in that position. You're kind of signing off on the entire catalog in a way like, I think we can be pickier with our choices. In terms of presenters, it wasn't like the Jamie Lee Curtis Award. Drowning Mona was not a great movie. Well, it wasn't the Jamie Lee Curtis Award for exciting filmography that I love to read

on a Wikipedia. It was the Jamie Lee Curtis Award for gusto, enthusiasm, and individuality. And can I just say, watch your tone? I'm looking at it. I'm not seeing it. I don't know what I'm supposed to be watching. What are you raising your hand for?

Rochelle's raising her hand. You found out when it comes out? Very politely, people from New York don't raise their hand. What day is this coming out? This comes out on August 5th. Okay, great, so it comes out the same day as the show. So really what I've done is I've spoiled what award Jamie Lee Curtis is.

Really? Day after my birthday it's coming out. Are you a Leo? Happy birthday to me. I don't know, am I? Is he a Leo, Rochelle? Cause I helped you earlier. He's a Leo.

Great. Oh wow. So we have Jamie, so- Love the spotlight. Gonna be 27 that day. So that spot is like cemented, that like that's like for next year, she's coming back? Okay, no.

No, I think it would be silly to invite her back. Can I tell you someone, I can give you an example of someone, because we all agree, she's done some incredible work. She's got some stinkers on there. Can I tell you the name of someone who has no bad movies on their resume? Sandra Bullock.

He's sitting right here. Me? Me and me. Hello. You got no bad movies like this? Me and me. Not. You got no bad movies, Michael S? Me and me. Not a single. Not a single one.

Only bangers. No flops. There's not one movie I regret on my IMDB. Not one. Me too. Yeah, think about that. Oh, you know what? Actually, I wish I hadn't done Lyle Lyle Crocodile.

And that's why you host the awards show. That's why your job is to make the awards show and honor everyone else because you made a bad decision and you're copying to that. I just didn't, I didn't love the sexual violence. So basically it was, I didn't realize what it was. I thought it was L'Oreal Crocodile, a musical for kids. I did not know it was gonna be sexual violence.

There was a tonnage of sexual violence and I do regret that because just because I am really young fans. Obviously you would enjoy, but you feel like, when you say tonnage, you feel like it was. I think one scene is enough. One scene. One scene.

Sometimes it's like an eye dropper and you're like, give me it, I'm thirsty. Give me a little more, I'm thirsty. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm intrigued. One scene of sexual violence, it's like, okay. And then when it's, when there's a tonnage. If I walk out of Lyle Lyle Crocodile saying, I wish they'd done a little more sexual violence,

you've done your job. Yeah. You know? If I walk out saying I got enough of it, that was too much. Yeah. There was a ton I walk out saying I got enough of it, that was too much. Yeah. There was a tonnage. It's a tonnage issue.

There's a tonnage of the word tonnage on this podcast, so. No more of that. No wonder we introduced that, yeah. So who, I mean, it's like everyone who's done our show that we basically onboarded for- Has Joakim Booster done this show? Come on, what are you asking? He's such a whore for podcasts.

Of course he has. Like his claw marks are on the door for him. He was trying to drag him out of here. Yeah, well he was in the show. He's a good friend. All right. I was in Fire Island, a movie I don't regret at all. I think it was great.

I actually think it's a classic. Wondering how you got that gig. So. I did fuck him. Yeah, I did. So. That's a good friend. He said he's a good friend. Not during before. Yeah. And one time after. Yeah.

Recently. Okay. Am I kidding? I don't know. But we had, so we've got Joel, we've got Darcy we've mentioned a couple times now. Darcy, yes. You don't have to ask it like, you don't have to wince when you say it.

It's a joy to say her name. Don't be like, Darcy, that's disrespectful. Have you done Wiki-hole? Yeah, I did the live show. Okay, so then why are you like kissing her ass? Like you got to do her show already. It's done. You've gotten what you're gonna get out of that. So why are you? You got what you made.

Can I say, Darsie made her. Made Darsie? Yeah. Yeah, like you know, you can't say it. We all know it already. Like it goes without saying. Yeah. Like you guys were on your episode with her.

You guys were like, you guys, you've dominated podcasts. Like I feel like Darcy Carden on Last Culture Reached Us, that was a, that was a, that was a star moment. Yeah. And she, she put in the work, she put in the preparation. And since then, skyrocket. Mm-hmm. It was a Kenneth star moment. Kenneth star moment?

Yeah, Kenneth star moment. Star moment, Kenneth star moment. In that what? She sort of like revealed the truth? And that she spoke the truth. She had a kind of star moment and then she revealed all. He was right. And then when you look back at it,

when you actually look back at it now with a little bit more context, you realize, maybe the way he went about it wasn't the best, but actually, maybe his motivations weren't even pure, but at the end of the day, all he wanted was the truth to come out. Girl power. Yeah.

He wanted the truth to come out. And I think he thought, he misinterpreted what the Spice Girls were saying. You know what I mean? He thought, he thought like, oh. They said so many things. Yeah. So fast, too.

When they said girl power, he thought, oh my God, I have to like, speak for women. I have to speak out women. And then the woman that was closest to him was Monica. And he said the truth. And then when he was president of Baylor and he covered up the sexual assault there, I'm sure he was like,

I thought you didn't want me to talk about this stuff. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I'm not gonna comment on that. I thought the whole thing was like, you didn't want me to talk about this. Okay, he's like, so just make up your mind and I'll handle it whichever way you say.

Because I did the one where I tried to show it and everyone was pissed off. Then I was like, okay, I guess I don't talk about it. Now that's a problem. I don't know about that. Not weighing in on it one way or another. Not taking a position on that one way or another. On the record, I don't know about that. I don't even know Baylor as a college.

I know Baylor as probably a girl's name and she's a little annoying. Baylor. Baylor. You know what I mean? Like she's like, okay, Baylor. Or Matt, do you hear what I say? I said piece of farm equipment

could have been how you ended the sentence. Really good, Baylor. Or like a Bayliff. Well, this doesn't work. I've been killing it so much in comedy recently that I'm exhausted. And so sometimes I- But when the streak is over,

that can kind of lose the thing. I just had a vulnerable moment. I don't want a joke not working. And you get the standing O, everyone here respects the streak you put together. Now we can move on to the next at bat. No better feeling than finally laying in it. You know, my new era.

I'm in my flop era. And that's okay, I'm embracing it. So was Monica Lewinsky part part of the award show? No, but I did just meet her in Cannes. Yeah, and she was lovely. She said she was a fan of the show. And that's when I had to realize I was like, wow, you really hear me talk about anal sex.

You know what I'm saying? It's like whenever anyone says like, I love Los Culturistas and I can tell they mean it, what I know they mean is that they've heard me and Bowen argue about whether or not it's like passe for like a guy to put down a towel for when he fucks you in the butt. You know what I'm saying?

So it's like, and then you're talking to Monica Lewinsky, a figure I have great respect for. Yeah. And you're like, you sort of go cross-eyed because you're like, oh, you've heard me talk about like, real craziness. So you're uncomfortable that Monica Lewinsky knows details of your sexual life that you didn't necessarily want to imagine her discussing.

It's crazy. Isn't that a relief for her? But you know what, that's something guys could really talk about. This is why he's on his show and we're on ours. Only in the last few minutes, I love Ken Starr, Ken Starr's my friend. I love Monica Lewinsky.

I have a lot of respect for her as well. Yeah, but she's not your friend. You're in with everyone. Everyone is feeling good. I wonder what anyone's feelings. You know what I'm saying? It's like Ken Starr, Monica Lewinsky, I'd love them both on the show.

It's really special. I wouldn't want them on the same episode just because it would make me nervous. Fireworks. Sure. You think? Matt, I think you gotta embrace that showmanship. You had the idea to have them both on the same episode. What's the worst that could happen?

She has a podcast, right? Monica has a podcast. She does. It's called Reclaiming. Maybe she can have Ken Starr on and they can do like- He died, right? Oh no, Linda Tripp died. They can do like a Marin- Rest in pieces. They can do like, uh... He died, right? Oh no, Linda Tripp died. They can do like a Marin... Rest in pieces!

They can do like a Marin Dane Cook. Soon as someone's dead, they're off the friend list. Yes, that's right, yes. So it's like, this guy likes everybody, all he does is kiss everyone's ass, and it's like, no, I heard him go to town on Linda Tripp! Yeah, he fucking tore Linda Tripp up. He had no respect for her carcass.

I said what I said about Linda Tripp. Carcass is so, it's my favorite word. That's number one now? Yeah. I thought it was Tony. It has bass in it. It's really close between carcass and this doesn't really count,

but it's the Spanish word for backpack, mochila. I think it's amazing. I would name my daughter that. Mochila carcass. What do you think Rochelle think it's amazing. I would name my daughter that. Mochila Carcass. What do you think, Rochelle? It's good. That's set now. As a New York, it's good, huh?

Yeah. Whoa. Hollywood Hamburg. Whoa. Hollywood Hamburg. Meg Stalter, she did the show. Oh, she's great. She was there.

Her show hasn't even come out yet. It did come out. You didn't watch it? When is this? But like, this is recording back in time. Yeah, August 5th. August 5th, 2016. Sorry, August 5th is when this comes out,

but this is being recorded a long time ago. Yeah. Okay, yeah, so Meg Stalter's like 20 years old right now, so her show has not come out yet, but she's got a great future. Hazes, I don't think so, honey, is like linear time. He's just like, he's over that concept. So you're like an Arrival Alien?

The idea- Are you guys the Arrival Aliens? Am I Amy Adams right in fucking now? Am I Amy Adams right now? Oh, so you'd be Amy Adams in Arrival, okay. Yeah. Sure. Okay, yeah, that's funny. Yeah, because time to me is what it is.

Go off, I guess. Okay, you're the one who's figuring it out. You're solving it. You're not. I could be Renner. That's feeling a little more. Jeremy Renner. Yes. The male lead of Arrival. That's closer. That's feeling a little closer to me.

Fine. Yes. Is Rochelle Amy? Mm-hmm. That's closer. That's feeling a little closer to me. Fine. Yes. Is Rochelle Amy? Mm-hmm. She's very slow to answer questions. But when I'm feeling, I feel like you go in for Jeremy Renner and they say, you know, you know what you'd be great for is- Gay fag.

Well, like they- They- They- They- They- They- Which is actually the name of one of the aliens. Yeah, and it doesn't mean anything.

It means something different in their language. Their language is circular. What do you guys think my auditions are still like? What, I'm speculating on your auditions now? God, you're still going in. I think you're offer only, Matt. You don't know what this guy can do by now? I say that to my agent all the time.

They don't know. Like, okay, I have to audition for Costumer. It's like, okay. Oh, I'm a cultural touchstone. Yeah, you want Costumer? That's what I said, I said I'm a cultural touchstone. You know what I think it is? What?

I think they just wanna go in and just gab it up with you for a little while. They wanna feel like they're on the show in the audition room. And they have no intention of little while. They wanna feel like they're on the show in the audition room, and they have no intention of casting you. They just wanna hang out. Cause you're not right for the part. I met Matt Costumer, you can't play that.

No. And I think there's also, here's what I think. It sucks, I enjoy acting so much. There's some old ass out of touch, fucking stick in the mud, somewhere up in some tower. It goes, a podcaster? Yeah. Meanwhile, I worked so hard for such a long time

to try to be an actor. And then the podcast, really you guys, was just something that I was just a play date for me and Bowen in 2016. It was just a weekly thing for 90 minutes a week. Way to keep up with your buddy, right? I go cross-eyed because of media training. And really it was just, you know, it was really not even,

we didn't even think anyone would listen to it in the beginning. And the little did we know, I remember there was a time I looked on the metrics and I said, 62 people had listened. And I said, that's all our friends and maybe a couple of other people. And that was enough for you.

Yeah, I didn't need any of this. And you're still doing the show for those same 62 people. And a few million more. Oops. But yeah, things have changed. Things have really changed. What you want, and what you always wanted, is a nice Hulu comedy starring Alison Brie.

I would love, she came to the show. And Michael Angorano. Oh wow. It's a one word title, It's called like- And Michael Angorano. Oh, wow. It's a one word title. It's called like circumstantial or something. It's just like, some word. I like that. You know, and it's so circumstantial.

I would do anything without a courtroom. And you work with Alison at the magazine. Yes, oh yes, yes, yes. I was gonna say, actually, literally yesterday, I thought to myself, could Alison Brie and I play brother and sister? And I think no.

I think we could play colleagues at the magazine. Colleagues at the magazine. I think she kinda comes in and she's like, Mitchell, what is going on with your desk? And I say, well, I am having a bad day. Kristin, my boyfriend dumped me. She says, what, again? Yep, third time this week.

But let me go, let me go. Laugh track, laugh track, laugh track. But let me go. He did? Oh, that sucks. I don't even wanna tell you now. I met the greatest guy last weekend. And I go, ugh, right?

Yeah. I would love it. It's the same guy. My new boyfriend. I would love it if you were that. My mind is blown. If you were that central. That you really do right for a lot of shows. I don love it. It's the same guy. My new boyfriend. I would love it if you were that. My mind is blown. If you were that central. That's how I know.

That you really do write for a lot of shows. I don't know. But now he's like part of a... It just comes out of me. A triangle with them. And I'm feeling like he's not that central to the plot. No, because I... We don't really need Matt in it?

No, I don't know. Well, now he's like really been elevated. He was working at the magazine. He was getting like some shit off and they'll just like let you run and stuff. And a couple of things like, we'll actually get in. Yeah, yeah. They'll do, let me do the fun run at the end.

They always let me do the fun run at the end. And can I say sometimes I'm really pleased, but no, on this show, Circumstantial, she's number one on the call sheet, Anger on Most too. And then Anger on Mo, Anger on No,, Angerano, I think it's all of them. I think it's both. Yeah, it's both. But I'm number eight on the call sheet.

So it really is, I really just exist to have a- Gina Carano. Gina Carano. She's great. She's amazing. She's incredible. So funny. Smart. In person, funny and smart. Smart comedy. Smart comedy. Yeah. Wit. Yeah, really good. Incisive. Smart. In person, funny and smart. Smart comedy. Yeah. Wit.

Yeah, really good. Incisive. Yeah. Says, literally says the thing everyone's been thinking the whole time. Yeah. But with a little wink. She market corrected Tina Fey. Wow. Did that hurt?

Did it what? Did it hurt? When I fell from heaven. Say what you mean. Stop it. You guys, can I tell you what I knew would happen? You guys would wanna fuck me. That we would flirt. That we would flirt.

And the truth is you do a little bit. And it is a thing I have with straight guys, they wanna fuck me. I am the one, I am the one they would, they always tell me, I actually have had really this happen. If there was one, I am the one they would, they always tell me, I actually have, I had really this happen. If there was one, I was like, okay. Yeah.

And I'm just gonna say, cool it. And I've been trying so hard. Rochelle, get the hose. So hard from the beginning, I've been trying to like, I went in here, pissed off. Oh my God. About the awards. I said, I'm gonna really take this guy to task. And I said, I'm not gonna get horny on this podcast.

I'm too upset. You're bricked up. Oh God. And here I am. Now I'm thinking about fucking a guy. Yeah. And I said, I started the show going, hate this guy.

Not today. Not today. That is not going to be. Not this one. Hate this guy going to be. Not this one. Hate this guy. The primary content of this episode. Nope. It's gonna be about the awards show.

It's gonna be about my hurt feelings. I am sorry about that. Can I tell you guys, though, I didn't know you before this. You walked in, we shook hands. You even said, Sean, it's nice to meet you. That doesn't feel good. We had some, we had a couple friends in common.

I remember that, because I was thinking like, I'm thinking like, that's not what we agreed to. You know, we didn't agree to you to say that. We weren't gonna say that. I should have said, it's not nice to meet you. I should have said, and then what, but it was nice to meet me. It has been nice to meet me.

You wanna fuck me? Have you ever done this, Matt? What? I go, it's nice to meet you. You go, it's nice to mat you. Yeah, I know that. I know that. So it's both? go, it's nice to mat you. Yeah, I know that. I know that. So it's both?

Yeah, it's both. It's like anger on Langorano. You need both. I need both. Sorry guys. And that's just globally. Caperland and Muna get to go. Both who did a guest on our show.

I thought those episodes were great. I loved the Muna episode. They end up- Charming. They end up dating each other I know I were just sitting here Not not dating each other. No, how what what is the tension there? Just just being married to other people so you don't think about it that much doesn't that make it doesn't that make it That's your ship us. I Came in shipping. I actually think you guys look way better together

than with your wives, which I did Google. Google image. Yeah, I don't know. They say it works to marry other people, but it's like. You should just marry a guy. It's so much easier. What the fuck am I doing with this? A little bit of like a little strip of metal.

This is supposed to like mean something. You guys would rock married. The two of us married to one another? I like I said, it's a duet, your voices. You have the successful podcast. You've obviously listened to each other. Everyone else is doing it. Literally everyone else is getting gay married

in a way that is like launching their careers and like in like serious ways. Yeah. So like, you know, I guess here we go. You're really giving me something to chew on here. Well, just wait. That really didn't work either. I have to say, that's the second joke I made today that didn't really work.

So maybe it's a new streak. Maybe it's a new kind of streak that we're putting together. You know? I think so. I think that's clearly what's happening. Yeah. But I knew this podcast would be okay to flop on because I feel like, well, how many people listen? putting together, you know? I think so. I think that's clearly what's happening. Yeah. But I knew this podcast would be okay to flop on

because I feel like how many people listen? It's like basically- It's not how many people, it's- The quality of the person that listens. It's which. Yeah. It's which people, yeah. Which how many? It's like vagrants, truants and delinquents.

But it's like, mm-hmm. It's not the size of the listenership, it's how you use it. Mm-hmm. And we, like, we do, and it helps sell a different kind of ad than other ads. Yeah. Other ads can't sell bleach.

You know what I mean? We sell wholesale bleach, pallets of bleach. Yeah. You know, there was a, on Las Codrices, there was an ad for the US Army. Jesus. You know, there was a, on Las Codrices, there was an ad for the US Army. Jesus. You had an ad for the US Army?

Yeah, actually, I was listening back to one of our episodes. Yeah, I do it. And there was an ad for the US Army, and this is real. And I really got sort of, I was angsty about that. Why do you say this is real sometimes? What's that about? It just implies that- The rest of the same.

Where's that coming from? Some of it's not real. Yeah, where's that coming from? Yeah, what is- I guess what I mean is this is real in terms of like, this is something I really need to address. We're underlining it. Yeah.

Okay. Like, and this is real, is just, just so you know, like I'm stressed. And that's real. You know what I think it is? Go ahead. And it's not funny just to see, you know, like I'm stressed. And that's real. You know what I think it is? Go ahead. And it's not funny enough to be a bit. He's scared, it's coming from a place of fear.

They're like, what if people think this is like sort of like a half bit. Yeah, no, no, no. A scenario I've invented. Well, and it's a little humorous as well. Because it's not sincere enough either necessarily to not. Let me say this, in a real way, we had an ad for the US Army on the podcast.

And that made me uncomfortable. Or it just shocked me because I was like, it would be sort of like if all of a sudden I listened to our podcast and it was like bleach. I'd be like, this feels like a Hollywood handbook thing. You know what I'm saying? Like I feel like you guys, your listeners. Unlabeled straight from the manufacturer bleach.

Yeah, to put them in the army. Just an above ground pool filled with bleach. Yeah, it's basically what we're selling. I have them drink it, whatever. Put them in the army, who cares about the people that listen to your podcast. Wouldn't affect them if they drank it. But I will say the one thing I do care about

and that's why I came here is because I rarely get to like reach out to a straight male audience. So I really want them to, well watch the special but wanna fuck me as well. Okay, yeah, well I mean, you know, we have, I think a couple guys like that that might be checking out this episode. Yeah? Couple guys might be checking out this episode. Yeah?

A couple guys might be listening to this show. And we can reach out to some people, like we have a little bit of lead time. We can send, we can go like, hey, this one you're gonna wanna check out. You're gonna wanna check out this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, good.

I am, you know, super available. We're gonna, we can go to like the Vegas Strip and like try and like hand out stuff to guys. Aren't you guys, wait, holler if you hear me. Aren't you guys such whores in Vegas, right? As soon as I go to Vegas, like I become the biggest whore. Yeah. As soon as I cross the city border.

Yeah, something happens. No, it's- It's crazy. It's suddenly like I took slut pills or something. Yeah! Is that a slut pill? I was thinking about that. I'm just this slutty whore as soon as I walk in.

It's like, and I don't know if it's, Vegas is giving me permission to do that. I don't know if there's something about the lights and the hot air. This is what it is, in a real way. The air conditioning. This is real. It's the fact that they pump so much oxygen

into the casino. Oxygen makes me so fucking slutty. I become open for business in a major way. Oh honey, give me some oxygen in a Katy Perry concert. I'll fuck my cousin Doesn't matter the gender. It's a second. Oh, they're right now. Oh, babe. I'm fucking every but yeah Believe me. Yes, that's second. Oh, I have one. Oh, I'm totally good. Just one more Oh, as soon as I have to oh, too. I'm just like

Yeah, like it's crazy fucking I'm s but I I'm making a bad ass. Like, I'm a fucking, I'm ass, but I love it. I love it. Fuck, I mean, ruining hotel rooms. Stink. And grandma, like anybody. Oh, fuck, anyone I'm related to in Las Vegas. If Bruno Mars starts playing. Yes, I'll, I'll.

You make me feel like, ooh, I'm horny as shit. Oh yeah. Combine that, that vocal timbre with some O2. I'll see you. Yeah, lucky for you, that's what I like. At the Mandalay Bay. Lucky for you, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like.

Lucky for you, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like. Yeah, yeah, hey, hey. Don't believe me, just watch. Here it is. Grr, grr. Yeah. 24 carats, that's how long my penis will be.

Yeah, it's like 24 carat, like, Ed to Ed. Carat-shaped penis. Ed to Ed. Just the way you are on all fours. Yeah. I wonder how much longer we could do this. Appetite is the sound I make

because I'm spitting out, you know, the pubic hair. That's now stuck in my mouth from whatever kind of sexual. Yeah. Can I say ap-p-tuh? Ap-p-tuh. I hate that it's called that. I hate it. Hate!

When you're here, but as soon as you're in Vegas, you're laughing. Ap-p-tuh, ap-p-tuh. Yeah, I'm horny as fuck. Yes. You know who that was about? Maude. Monica? Maude? Maude Appetit? I got it.

Right? I saw her in Little Shop. She's amazing. We can keep going. We're not really. No, let's do it. Okay, all right, yeah. Why, you get scared of Judd?

It was great having you, Matt. What, it's over? Yeah. What? I feel like I got a shorter episode than other people. Is that right? Yeah. Well, you know what?

If you feel that way, that means we've done our job. Hey, you know what you gotta say? Your feelings aren't facts. Oh, okay. Can I take one more on that? You guys are right wing, right? Isn't this Metal Sphere? That's why I came. I was like, I feel like this is a, I feel like I could one more on that? You guys are right wing, right? Isn't this Metal Sphere? That's why I came.

I was like, I feel like this is a, I feel like I could be Metal Sphere. In Road. Oh, you wanna fuck me by the way. That would be a great audience to embrace you. Yeah. Making the, you know, not making the mistake Kamala made. No, no, no, I'll go on Rogan.

Going out there, actually, like talking to these communities, right? Yeah. I could do, I bet I could do, like, if I went on Rogan ever, I would just do it as Kamala. Let me tell you something. That could heal us. I wanna tell you something about the economy.

Yeah, he'd love you. Let's state facts. It's never been better. It was in his pocket. And then I would just, I would just like stand, I would let that sit. He'd be like, okay. How many of those do you have?

Lorne. How many of those do you have? How many of what? How many like Kamala level that you could just like pull up? What do you think I just fell in love with coconut tree? There's that. Well, we have that one. That one we actually did.

So Kamala is the one we do know about. Yes. And then he's asking, is there another character that you could do for- On Roken? How many of those? Or Theovon maybe? Because I mentioned, I was the one who brought up Kamala

and you had that. Yeah. He mentioned Kamala and all of a sudden we found- Well mention someone else, let's see if I have them. I have mentioned some other people who I guess, like that means that you don't have them because you would have launched into- Do me a favor, he has just mentioned one now because now we're set up for it and I'm prepared for it. So do me a favor

Simon Pegg Well, hmm, you know, I guess that's rather zombie-ish I guess I don't have that. That was my third flop. Bye. Rule of threes. Goodbye That was a HeadGum podcast. One, two, three. Hello, I'm Joe Mirko Sirisi. And I'm Russell Daniels. And we're the co-hosts of The Downside.

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