Hollywood Handbook - Max Silvestri, Our Dessert Friend

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

MAX SILVESTRI joins The Boys again to discuss desserts for when you’re being bad.This episode is sponsored by Audible ( www.audible.com/THEBOYS  or text theboys to 500500), Harry's ( www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK ), and Robinhood ( HANDBOOK.robinhood.com ).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Uh, J. Masses and his friends, his buddies. And we were, I've been saying they should get together. I'm so glad that they met. Finally. Right. Um, and we were, uh, setting up that giant that you gave me the giant domino set, the huge one. Yeah. And we're setting it up to knock down the statue of Liberty.

Okay. And so we are on little boats and we're making these, building these. Islands. Trash islands, which a bunch of them are out there already, unfortunately. Yeah. Which is part of why we're knocking this thing down. Because if it's not going to mean anything, why do we have it? Okay.

Unrelated to the trash islands. Oh. Because you said that was part of why. Do you think that's unrelated? Well, I need a little help making that connection. I'm sorry, Hayes. But if the freaking statue, which, correct me if I'm wrong, but says, be kind, recycle, isn't going to mean anything,

then why don't we just knock it down with giant dominoes, and by the way, it's going to look really cool when they're all falling into each other and actually do a loop-the-loop. Well, thank you for explaining that to me. Now, I wonder, because I only gave you three dominoes. Uh-huh. Were you able to pick up a fallen domino so quickly and set it up on the other side of the domino so it could fall again? And this is where the boat engine issues came in.

We initially were able to do that for the first two dominoes. Okay. The exhaust started to choke us. Uh-huh. The throttle started to throttle us. Yeah. Because they're lead dominoes. The gas was gaslighting us.

We didn't know where we were, and we couldn't breathe. But we had a mission. To knock down that statue that doesn't actually mean anything in this country if we're not going to recycle our trash. So, eventually, Kublai drowned. Sucks. That really sucks. Did he and Jay at least get to hang out?

They did. It was very surface-level conversation, but you could feel there was an instant connection where it was two kindred spirits. Okay. I always thought of Kubla as someone that could kind of bring Jay out a little bit. Yes, and I saw his walls start to break down just the slightest bit, just a ray of light shining through the the the little crack

that he made did he seem sad Jay when Kubla died yeah yeah but he always seems kind of sad yeah

he I mean I know you know this but he feels the pain of everyone mhm and then he feels nothing yeah I know anyway statue's still there

dominoes are lost. Kublai drowned. And, oh, by the way, friggin' my boat's broken. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the red carpet linebacker

hallways of this industry we call showbiz. So we don't have any guests today. No guests. It's just us. That's why we did such a long story at the top. Oh, wow, It's Max.

Oh, Max. Max Silvestri is back. Hey, guys. I did forget for a minute. I started thinking about it as a joke that I would say, we don't have a guest today. But then you know how sometimes you think about something so much that it becomes your reality. Like jumping on the subway track where you're just like, what if I did it? What if I did it?

And then suddenly you are there. You are on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't even remember doing the jump. But you're like, you know you're supposed to lay face down between the tracks, and then you'll be safe. Yeah. Or a stiff arm. One arm straight out palm through the center of the train and just collapse it into a fucking little disc.

Like paper. Yep. One way to everyone on it. Hey, that's my volume there that you're cranking all the way up as high as it can go. Max? Yeah. This is just my way of bringing a little interesting energy here. Just want to say, if you do that, do it.

Which one are you? So people don't do it dangerous in a way. Crumple the car so that everyone in the car survives. Do it in a safe way. Oh, please. So that everyone is, of course, packed together like sardines. Boy, we're still thinking about New York City, huh? Subway cars and the Statue of Liberty.

We were just there recently. It gets in your bones in a way that nothing else does. You can never wash the stink out, but you love it. You love the way it feels to be so stinky all the time. Max, it's nice for you to come back. I really appreciate you guys having me back. This was a big ask. We love having you, and we're not pissed.

Now, you told us going into the show that you were advised by management to bring a friend. And you didn't. I see that you are here alone. I am here alone. I was told that you guys can be sometimes a lot two-on-one.

So I was, for my career and my own enjoyment was told to maybe bring a friend so this is the second time that you've done this show you did an appearance before is it possible

they heard your first appearance and felt that you seemed like a cook or were maybe looking at your career after that performance and saying

maybe we try something else I mean I think the only answer is that having heard that this whole company gathered together and there's like, we can't let this happen again. There's a big Hollywood management company.

Yeah, yeah. They have these meetings, these like staff meetings every morning where they listen to all the podcasts from people a couple years ago. And they just say like, how could he do it better if we were to let him do it again? We never should alone. That's our job. Did they give any advice on which friend? No. Who are you thinking?

Who would you bring? Because it can't be someone who's going to outshine you, right? Exactly. But it has to be someone who is strong enough that they don't get completely destroyed the way you did on the first episode, embarrassed yourself. Right, yeah. So where is that middle ground? I mean, I feel like you'd want to bring on like a turtle type, like the idea of someone that's going to give his own energy

but is truly only in support of me. Someone for us to kind of focus on. To draw away some of, I mean, you guys are like these bulldozers. And you immediately go after this friend. Yeah, I turn on him so fast to get a little bit of approval from you guys. But even that, when it gets released and I see it's the Max and Turtle episode, really, to me, that's the Turtle episode. Right.

Yeah, but that's okay. And Max is there. Yeah. Yeah, could be good. And Max could have some preloaded Turtle bits. Yeah, I mean, I scramble and put together a room the day before this appearance. If you're drafting off a turtle a little bit, and I

go, like, I'm listening for a turtle, and I'm getting exposed to some of the bits that you cooked up about him. That's actually pretty smart. So you ignored your manager, and you are now the bravest Hollywood bad boy. Yeah, I was like, I can handle this.

I mean, I can't, but on principle, I'm going to come in. You're not going to listen to that. Yeah, I mean, I'm stepping in here to get the shit beaten out of me by the two of you. I mean, this is— Two on one. There has not been a successful episode of the show with the two of us and one guest. That's something they've correctly identified at your management company.

And I think that is nice. Well, they've looked back at your two-on-one episodes and they're like, look, these are funny episodes. Obviously people like them. Your fan base is growing, but I feel like in every single case, the one guest could be lifted out in the edit and the episode would be just as good. And my management company is looking for me to shine.

I've been saying that. And we also have Engineer Jordan on the bench. Hi. Hi. So she's ready to just tap in anytime. She's swinging that bat

with the weights on it. My advice to future guests to bring, if they're going to bring anyone, it would be Engineer Cody. If you bring Engineer Cody. That's the ultimate power play going to bring anyone, it would be Engineer Cody. If you bring Engineer Cody. That's the ultimate power play. Yes.

I'm terrified, because I know that you somehow know Engineer Cody outside the context of your wolf. And then I go, well, what the fuck is your life? I've tried to get out of you before the first appearance, before the second appearance. What is your ideal energy for your own, the own quality of your performance that you would like to have guests bring? That's true.

You did actually send an email asking what kind of energy to bring. More riffs, fewer riffs than last time. Yeah, yeah. So here's what I would say. Please do the exact same number that you did last time. One more or one less and we won't have you back. Yeah, that would be an issue. There's a reason you're a returned guest,

and it's not just that we only have returned guests now. I have to thread the needle perfectly. That's right. But I would say the vibe that we're looking for in this show, I would say Dragon Boat Race. Perfect. I got it. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I act too, so I can just take that note, like I've internalized it, and now I'm just going to let it. What are you acting? I mean, it's sort of, it's out there just, you know, a lot of stuff in the pipe. So it is out there, but it's... It's out there, but it's in the pipe. Like, you know, I don't know if you know the distribution game right now. It's just really tricky getting buyers. It's insane.

And stuff can get lodged in there, in that pipe. It's not a huge pipe. Yeah. No, it takes a long time for it to trickle out of the pipe. You've got to get in there with the stick and kind of poke some stuff loose.

Or some liquid plumber and that'll kind of dissolve some of it. So some of it when it comes out is gone. Yeah. That's a tough part

of the biz, but it's a reality of it. Well, this episode is one of the nicest episodes we've ever done. We have a very sweet idea. I do want to plug something on behalf of Max, actually, now that we are talking about his acting. Everyone remember that I said sweet idea.

Remember sweet idea, but I do want to plug the movie Table 19, which is available on every plane and has been for several years. My wife watched it on a plane two years ago, said it was pretty crazy. And then we got on a plane a couple days ago and she went, do I watch Table 19 again? Because it was still there. It's still there. It's been moved to the classics category. I think it's now a plane classic. Burnt and Table 19 are two of the top.

Burnt is a free play, too. Yes. Independent and classic film. And that will include Burnt, Table 19. Yeah. These are just movies, you know. And a Japanese movie. Well, yeah.

And like a short, like a Pixar short. Like a Portuguese language Brazilian film about two families meeting or whatever. I like having those shorts there. They're like, you're on a plane. You probably want to kill three and a half minutes.

Just watch an ad first and then have it load up. Get the volume just right. The drink cart is 10 rows away. You're like, I want to just have something just to wet my palate before I get my Coke Zero. Were you at Table 19? Yeah. Yeah, I was at Table 19. You were at the table?

I delivered them champagne. Okay, so no. I wasn't a guest. But he was at the table. At one point, he was at the table. Okay, but you know what I meant. Were you one of the people seated at table 19? No.

One of the craziest tables in wedding history. No, I was told that the table was pretty crazy. I have not seen the film, but I'm flying again soon, Max. You guys are road dogs now. You're flying all the time. We have become road dogs, and the road is in my blood. Max takes credit for our tour. He texted me and said, glad you took my advice and went on a little tour.

Yeah. Yeah. It was my idea, I think, to treat people in other cities to your comedy and to sell tickets for it. That's what we did. We did that exact thing. I laid this out step by step. And here I thought it was my idea. Nope. It's almost strange that

we're talking about this because this episode's not going to come up for three months. I think Kevin has moved it up on the schedule. Did he? Let me get in sort of Kevin's mind about this. Kevin! Whoa. Oh,

you let Bosh out. For people who couldn't hear that, Kevin went, oh, Grandma. Yeah, if it is coming out after Thanksgiving, I have to change a bit. The bit won't work if Thanksgiving just was before. Right, because it's, yeah. Thanksgiving's coming up.

But we should be acting more full. We should be doing more bits about being full and sleepy. Kevin, when is this episode coming out? If I see another cookie, I'm... We've been referencing some pretty current stuff. A cookie. September 25th. See? That's soon.

That is pretty soon. You moved it up in the schedule, huh? How did Max earn that slot? Yeah, and who was moved down? Who got bumped? Because we have a bunch of people in the pipeline. And you know how that pipe gets

jammed up. I could tell you have a bunch of people in the pipeline. And you know how that pipe gets very clogged. I could tell you who got jammed up in the pipe immediately. Number one, Tom Sharpling. That's true. But we have two Tom episodes in the pipe. Well, that's part of the problem. Yeah. So the second one got bumped.

Jordan, just say what happened. I dramatically pointed at Bosch. No, but say what happened. I dramatically pointed at Bosh. No, but say what was Bosh doing? He was eating the pen. Bosh stole a pen to write his memoir. And Jordan doesn't think she's going to be reflected well when Bosh tells his story. He's maybe going to be a little too honest about some of what Jordan had going on.

I'm scared I'm going to scare him with my alarm sound, so I just don't say anything anymore. Yeah, that's right. Bosh going to burn Bridges. Oh, so you have that locked and loaded. Okay. Well, no, that's only for the pro version, Jordan. Okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Whew, close one. All right, so who else is getting bumped? Yeah, what was the thinking there? What's the strategy? Did the same person from my management team who insisted I couldn't handle this alone also insist that it come out sooner?

With, like, threats of ripping away other guests from the pipeline? That has been happening. I think it was like, we hope this episode comes out sooner rather than later. Wow. Really? So that must just be something that... That makes sense, I guess. Max got something to plug.

Oh, yeah. Your food show. We want to talk about that. I'm doing recaps of podcasts again. Okay. That's right. That's what we did last time, but we want to focus on the other part of your career that you're most excited to promote. Yes, which is a new show that you're hosting that the two of us are your initial guests on, and it's about unusual desserts.

Yeah. And sort of strange desserts. Mmm, Max. Yeah. Because you hosted another food show in the past. Yeah, and I was like, it went well, so... What was it called? It was called Recipe for Deception.

Recipe for Deception. What channel was it on? It was on Bravo. What number? What number? If you just say Bravo, I'm unable to... That doesn't help me tune in. I need to know what number it is.

The remote doesn't have Bravo written on it. It has numbers. It's available on iTunes and Vudu. Okay. Yeah, Vudu.com. Again, I just want to... A long day at work, I just want to be able to sit down... And happen to turn on the number.

Just put in whatever the number is. I use Voodoo all the time. I use Voodoo almost exclusively. I love Voodoo. What do you do on it spelled D-U? A positive D-U. I mean, I spent, I it ultimately it cost $9,000 all the Blu-rays

I'd bought I'd paid money for in the last few years I bought the Voodoo version throughout the Blu-rays so I'm like now anywhere I go

I have access anywhere I go that has a device that has Voodoo app on it I have access to those films yeah they have Blu-rays on there

they do they have the Voodoo Blu-rays yeah exactly Voodoo Blue what-rays. Yeah, exactly. Voodoo Blue. What do you watch on it? Me? Yeah.

Oh, literally, Hayes, everything. Wow. To begin with, everything. Is that what Graves is on? Graves is on Voodoo. I know you've been watching me watch Graves. I sent Hayes sort of selfie videos of me watching Graves. From behind his head so I could see the back of his head facing Graves. I self-taped for the young guy.

I didn't get it. You're asking about my career. On Graves? Yeah. As young Graves? Self-tape. Self-tape. Always brutal. Brutal. On Graves? Yeah. As young Graves? Self-tape. Self-tape. Always brutal.

Brutal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You did both sides of it? Yeah, yeah. Somebody was reading for you or you were reading both? I read the other part in a different voice and recorded it and would rest play on an iPad with my toe. Give me that.

So it was synced up. So I would do all the lines back to back with no pauses. So I would click with my toe. So I would do all the lines back to back with no pauses. So I would click with my toe. It's hard to focus on the character when you're like knowing you have to nail because there were no pauses. Give me a taste of Young Graves. I got a dream, and the dream is to have been the president one day.

It's all I want, and people in this town are saying, you can't do that. But I'm like, I'm going to be president and then retire and do whatever I want. Sir, please place your coffee order and move aside. I'm going to be president. Sir, a lot of people want coffee. Let me sign this slip. What's 8% of $3?

Tom Graves, get the fuck out of here. A lot happened to his voice. 24 cents. Between being young Graves and today Graves. Yeah, yeah. He was the president. I guess that could really wear out your voice. And today, Graves. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, he lived a lifetime. He sounds a lot different. He was the president. I guess that could really wear out your voice.

In my head, and obviously, like, it was just a one-episode role, I was like, I don't think he started smoking cigars yet. I don't think he's done that to his voice. I think he's got this kind of, like... His voice sounds like he has been eating lit cigars. Yes. Yes. Kevin, you never said... And also, what is the, that was too long.

That was too long to take that photo. Was that a video? He's looking for the perfect photo. Sit down. I respect that. I only have one good angle, so I appreciate it. Honestly, when Matt is in here taking the photos, sometimes I wish he took a little more time. I see the option that they went with, and I go, let me look at some of these unused photos.

Is that why Kevin is? No, they picked the right one, but— Is that why Kevin is back doing it again? Did you file a request? No, I haven't said anything until I was on the show. Just like everything else I have to say about this company and what I'm unhappy with, I only do it when the mic is live. Kevin, we never got into your thought process.

Why did you bump Tom? Wait, bump his—because I bumped one up and one down. I, like, split them. Oh, his live show is down. Yeah. Oh, okay. Shit, man. Kevin's doing, like, beautiful mind shit.

So it went, so when people are listening to this, it will have gone Stephanie, Tom's studio show, Max. Yeah. If you see Kevin's apartment, it's like the Homeland board with all the string on it. Just like of all handbook guests and episodes and audience optimization. Always running out to the store to buy more string. Why don't I just buy a lot of string at once? Just getting little bits. Just for each new connection I come up with.

Hey, sorry. I know you're closing. You need string again? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. Do you have any more of the eight-inch packs? I'll be quick. And then Lennon.

Let me double check. So Lennon really got jobbed by Kevin. Yeah, Lennon got mega jobbed by Kevin. Yeah. Lennon got mega jobbed for sure. Sorry, Lennon. Cool t-shirt. Thanks, dude. All right, what's it say?

Lollipop. I like that it looks brand new. Yeah, Lennon's the following week. So we have to do our show now. Who's out in the lobby being so loud? Jonathan Van Ness. Okay. All right.

Well, we've been through this before. We cannot say anything. Why? Because he's a white-hot superstar. Yeah, he's a fucking beloved superstar. He's a powerhouse. Imagine we could even get him on the show. We certainly can't scold him.

Hopefully he just wanders in here by accident sometime. That would be great. Wrong studio. Are you kidding me? Maybe mislabel the studios by accident. Good idea. That'd be huge for my episode. Oh, God.

Well, you would be out on your ass. Yeah, your management would be thrilled. Finally, somebody good on a Max episode. Guys on life support. So anyway, you like unusual desserts. Yeah. And I'll tell you what. Some of these recipes are a little strange, aren't they?

They are. They are. And I haven't tasted any of these. That's why we have you guys. And it's for, look, we're all good boys. And I'm including Chef Kevin. We're all good sweet boys in here. But sometimes.

Engineer Jordan. And Engineer Jordan. And Engineer Jordan's a sweetie as well. See, this is the kind of stuff we have to be a little more careful of that. Earwolf has sort of made us, like gotten us into this false sense of that there's always boys in here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because they forced only boys on us for half a decade. I used to call the show Hollywood Boy Book.

Yes. Well, it was. There's so many boys in the room at any given time. And now there is girls in here. It's a wonderful energy. Which is great. Which is great. There is girls in here.

It's a wonderful energy. Which is great. Which is great. So Engineer Jordan is here, and she's a sweetie, and then we are all sweeties as well. And we are usually being good, but every once in a while when it's time for dessert, we're being bad, aren't we, Max? And it can be fun to be bad sometimes.

Yeah, I mean, when you earned a treat, you know. It can feel good to be bad. Everything in moderation, especially moderation. That's what you're always saying, Sean, on the show. Oh, no. That's my famous quote. Yeah. And so.

And we thought it would be fun for you to get back and do more of this stuff. I've noticed you've had to kind of fall back into stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of mischievous food. Right. Watching people taste things and asking how they taste. Recipe for deception. Yeah.

And so... Yeah, but I'm back into it. And you seem a little sad up there doing jokes. Yeah. Most of which I have noticed are not about dessert. No. I'm trying to save it for our show. You know, I'm not going to burn all the good dessert stuff on.

Yes. It's fucking my day job. Yeah. When the dream is to obviously watch you guys eat these things. They're like, this cake is so messed up. I mean, this can't be good. And then, I mean, when you guys discover that the cake that looked like a bad cake is actually like, it's all going to the same place. This is delicious. It's why I do the job.

Max, we are talking about desserts, but do you want to talk for a second about your revenge body? And who are you exacting revenge on and why? The first episode I did here. Yeah. That has been a reaction to that episode. Like I wanted to come back and show that first episode that it can go fuck itself.

So it's really on yourself. It's on old Max. Yeah, exactly. Look who you can't fuck anymore. Oh, whoa. Look at me, Max. You could be fucking this. You don't get to. That, yeah. Look at me, Max. You could be fucking this. You don't get to.

That, yes. This is what you gave up. What a powerful message. I just want to. Of self-love. Just show what Bosh has done to the headphones. It is so bad that I think we need to stop the show. Get up and look at this.

Oh, he's taking them all apart. Yeah, but he's eating little pieces of foam. And leaving them everywhere. So Bosh brought his eating little pieces of foam. And leaving them everywhere. So, Bosh brought his own headphones today. Yeah. He calls them cans. And he has eaten a big piece of them. Well, that's not good.

I didn't know that he could actually take it apart and eat it. It was from the same company that I've gotten other toys from, and they've proven to be pretty durable and last at least a few days. But, you know, we always do give him these plushy-type chew toys under supervision, and this is why. It's just so happened Hayes was supervising him this time, not his daddy. I mean, Kevin just put the headphones in the trash can that is literally Bosch head level. Like the idea that he won't get those headphones right out of him.

Bosch will be pulling those out within 10 seconds. And Kevin's showing a little bit of his lack of experience with anything ever. Except sick-ass August Chicago music festivals. I did a good job, though, supervising him. And thank you. Do you see me point? Oh, yeah. And then you were like, you should see what he's done to the headphones,

and Kevin leaned over and showed me a picture that he'd taken, I guess, five minutes earlier. Imagine how much of the headphones Bosh fully swallowed in that time. And now we see how jealous Kevin really is of Bosh. It's gotten insane. You weren't here. I think Bosh was not alive when you were here last time. He was not.

He was not. Not even a glimmer in Sean's eye. Yeah. Yeah, because you're his daddy, right? He has a little piece of Sean's DNA. He has to be put in there. What do you guys think about people calling their pets, like saying that they're the pet's dad?

Some people I know have a very strong negative opinion of that. As a dog owner, a dog daddy, I support it. And we started doing it as a joke in my house. But, like, we call each other mommy and daddy in front of the dog. Yeah. And then when you speak on behalf of your dog, the dog probably calls you mom or calls you dad. Yeah. and you speak on behalf of your dog,

the dog probably calls you mom or calls you dad. Yeah. My cats call me daddy in like sort of a new way that people are using it. Right, right. Well, I believe they call you zaddy. They do sometimes call me zaddy. Post more pics with your shirt off, zaddy. Like, why are you asking them?

Yeah. You see me with my shirt off all the time. They say come to Brazil, daddy, to me. We have to get into this show. We have to do this dessert. I've been so good for so long. What? You have a sweet idea, right?

So that was it, yes. The dessert show, sorry, I should have made this more clear. That was the sweet idea for the episode. Oh, remember? Sort of playing off the sweetness of the dessert. The distance between you saying sweet idea and then when you land on dessert. I know, that's why I ask people to remember, but they're usually pretty good about remembering that stuff. They'll sometimes write things down.

Let's do some of the desserts. What's your favorite recipe? Me? Let's do some of the desserts. What's your favorite recipe? Me? I guess probably for me, my favorite is sort of a simple recipe that my grandmother would make, which is sort of an unusual dessert. It's a banana cream donut snicker witch martini a la mode.

Now, the snicker witch element, of course, is a Snicker sandwich. Right. And now, just because we've talked about this on the show before, is Snicker the bread or the meat? Hmm. When it's a Snicker Witch, are you saying that the Snickers make up the bread? Oh, Snickers the bread. The banana cream donut martini is really the meat.

Okay. Yeah. Well, you still want to keep calling it a Snickerwich, though, because that would be when you say... Banana cream donut Snickerwich martini a la mode? Sure. Yeah, I just mean it's a martini sandwich with the... You know what I mean?

Because that's in the middle. That's the bread. That implies to you that you think sandwiches have sand on the outside. Right. No, I think they have sand in the middle and think sandwiches have sand on the outside. Right. No, I think they have sand in the middle and two pieces of bread on the outside. Whatever you say is the sandwich is between. Is on the inside. Yeah, yeah.

It's between. Okay. Is a hot dog a sandwich? I love this. This, that's so cool. So cool, right? Hot dog sandwich. It's cool you put bacon out for the guests every episode and we just can chew on it. It's epic. It's pretty epic. It's cool you put bacon out for the guests every episode.

We just can chew on it. It's epic. It's epic win. We are made of so much win on this show that epic awesome sauce has almost become the norm. I mean, it's nonstop nom wins in a way that, yeah, I just, I didn't nom beforehand because I knew how much nom. The oatmeal is doing a comic of us. When you come up with these crazy food ideas.

Yeah. Are you smoking out loud? You could say it here. There's no cops. I'm not you know at the beginning of the show I was supposed to be an EP

I was like I can write a lot of my own stuff I'll help come up with the desserts but in development it wasn't clicking it wasn't clicking

me and the production company the point is you know I no longer have any say over what desserts you're just the host desserts and the host yeah yeah yeah yeah and so i no i i you were never smoking that loud oh i was smoking that loud so fucking hard at the beginning oh my god i was just like fucking light it up and just be like you know like come up with these crazy ideas whoa i would go online like i'd google desserts but then I'd have two tabs open,

and I would just be like, let's smush that shit together. Oh, yes. So it would be, like, apple pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, fucking cranberry apple pie. Or, like, a crumble. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, and you combine them?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Two slices, please. Yeah, and you combine them? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Two slices, please. Yeah, they're both for me. What are you guys going to eat? Yeah, what are you guys getting? No, but that's fucked up.

And have you ever had a fucked up pizza or some kind of insane kind of hamburger or something like that? Yeah, like, I mean, one time I had a real big burger that was, like, so big. Holy shit. After a beef. Yeah. I mean, they put, there was, like, an egg, like a chicken egg. What? A chicken egg on it.

A chicken egg? Holy shit. But then a duck egg, which is smaller. Wow. Yeah, yeah, it was crazy. It had, like, this, it was called a monkey sauce. It was so cool. That's fresh as hell, man.

Yeah, it was really good. Holy shit. Yeah. I finished it, so I got a T-shirt from the diner. Damn. Yeah. Sweet. Cool.

What do you drink with that? You don't drink dog piss or anything like that. That's disgusting. The idea was just a big pint glass of dog piss with a ton of ice. No way. Because halfway through it, that dog piss is hot. So it's like, all right, what I'm drinking now is watered down dog piss, and that's not what I ordered.

The ice is not, yeah. I like the dog piss shaken over ice and then strained over fresh ice. That way it's not melting. Yeah, that's crazy. I wish everyone could see sometimes what Kevin does when we're doing the show, which is yawn with a big smile. It really softens the yawn. It is so chilling to watch.

A joyful boredom. I guess if you've seen The Green Mile and you know when Michael Clark Duncan lets the bees out of his mouth, it's similar to that. It's like he's tired right after and it's just like, and then a lot of evil just sort of pours out because he took the poison out of Tom Hanks' bladder. You guys remember. Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah. And Jordan, what's a crazy dessert

you want to talk about with Max? A flaming pudding. No, no, no, no. No? No, too dangerous. Come on. Come on, Jordan. And you don't have to, I know no. No? No, too dangerous. Come on. Come on, Jordan. And you don't have to, I know you want to be like, establish yourself and be like cool and tough.

That is so dangerous. You can't do a flaming pudding. That's not the right way to do it to make your mark on this place. No. It's just to actually risk hurting yourself. And people listening to this could really be hurt. And when you guys have, I don't know when his episode's airing, but when you guys have the host of Food on Fire on here,

you can talk about that. Talk about the flaming with him, but I don't want to hear it. Who is that? Tracy Morgan. And I mean, he calls himself the host. He's doing bumpers, basically. He's not doing any of the heavy lifting. I'm saying the rules.

I'm saying when you guys can start eating the dessert, he's doing bumpers, basically. He's not doing any of the heavy lifting. I'm saying the rules. I'm saying when you guys can start eating the dessert, when it's over. I'm asking you to turn over your unusual ranking cards where you rank how unusual you thought it was. That's me. I'm doing the work. He just does bumpers.

He does kind of the beginning. He's like, welcome to Food on Fire. Is there ever anything about the food is making him pregnant? Does that ever come up? Yeah. He's making the food pregnant. He didn't get that food pregnant. Get that food away from me. It's going to be pregnant. If it's so close to me,

my semen will go in the food, even if it doesn't want it. He really has made so many things pregnant over the course of his career. It's crazy to think about the number of things, people, ideas

that have become pregnant just from coming close to Tracy Morgan. And I thought years ago, I was like, you know what, I'm no longer surprised when he warns that he's going to make a thing pregnant. But every time it gets me. I am always very surprised by it.

You're going to get that. Well, I don't think that's what he's going to do. When just like a skateboard goes by him, I think if he's going to say anything, he's going to say like, hey, cool deck. But instead what he does say is, I'm going to get that thing pregnant. But this flaming pudding seems almost like a trap designed to cauterize Tracy Morgans. It's almost like the show is a trick, you know, put on by people who want to, like someone who got pregnant that didn't want it and, like, was trying to punish her. Revenge.

Yeah. Like kind of give him a revenge body. Yeah. But the body can't physically get hard and produce. That makes more sense for the phrase revenge body. A body that somebody got revenge on. Yeah. You know those burns?

Yes. 80% below his waist? Yeah, that was my revenge. My body's been taking revenge on me. That's my revenge body. Taking revenge on the waistband of my pants. I've eaten some of these unusual desserts, I'll tell you what. So are those revenge pants then?

No, Max. It's a vengeful body. And avenged against pant, I think is... This is why the friend, this is where the friend really would have come in. If you had some, if Turtle was here. I would have just poured a glass of water on his head. He'd be bailing you out, buddy. Now that's an episode.

Look at this idiot, I slap him. One thing I remember Tracy Morgan saying when I worked with him for all that time that I thought was very funny was he was saying that he wanted to put the news footage of his DUI arrest on his acting reel because he felt it was evidence of how famous he was he's like you know a lot of actors get DUIs they don't all get on the news. He was like, I think that speaks very well of me, to put it on the reel to be like, hey, people really care about me. There's buzz.

When was this? At 30 Rock. Oh, that's right. You did work with him all the time. He had a reel still? Well, that might have been part of his joke. Although, who knows with Tracy? He's a loose cannon. He's a reel still? Well, that might have been part of his joke. Although, who knows with Tracy? He's a loose cannon.

He's a wild card. He got your memory pregnant with the idea of that bit. Yeah, so even the flaming food thing wouldn't work because he's actually... He doesn't need a physical body to do it. He can impregnate you just with his words. Yeah, it doesn't just come out of the bottom. It comes out of a lot of different parts of him. Human head has nine holes or whatever.

The human head has nine holes. Let's talk about that. I don't necessarily want to count the holes here. I don't have all day, but if Jonathan Lipnicki said it, then it must be real. Yeah, so let's go through the holes in the human head. I can think of seven. Just as I'm sitting here, I am also only coming up with seven. So where's the other two?

Are there two holes in my head I don't know about? I can't see the back. Yeah, and that's what I'm wondering. I think maybe you double count the nose because there's also your sinus hole. There's like the hole within a hole. Okay. Like if you kind of lean back, you can see another hole. You think maybe I double count the nose?

It's a second hole? Because to me, it seems like that is one hole that just goes all the way back. So you're saying that at the very least, you're willing to give me eight. That's like saying you would count your mouth and your throat

and your ear hole and your ear canal. No, no, no. Yeah, am I counting my windpipe and my esophagus? Well, I think any pipe that gets smaller has two holes,

one at the opening and one at the end. Am I counting my but pipe that gets smaller has two holes, one at the opening and one at the end. Am I counting my butthole as one of the holes in my head? No, no, no, no, no. I mean, because that is what it's leading from my throat to. Straight? Straight through? On mine, yeah.

I want it in pretty good shape. It's taking a very direct route. A lot of them sort of curve around in people's bodies yeah right right right we have heard wasted time

so you do all that stretching it's like a laundry chute maximum efficiency that's what you should call yourself professionally the laundry chute no maximum efficiency

oh that's really good because you're good, Max. It's the eighth habit of highly effective people. I think the ninth hole of highly effective people is their throat. Yeah, that's right. Kevin, what's a dessert that Max can review that you like to make when you like to be bad? I'll tell you if it's good or not. It's called keg nog. It's egg nog in a keg.

So the dessert is the whole keg? I could see you kind of really concentrating for the last 20 minutes or so. Both your hands are shaking. Yeah. That happens. All nine of them. So the dessert is the entire keg, like the equivalent is the entire keg,

like the equivalent of like 63 pints of eggnog is the whole dessert? Yeah,

it's a keg's worth of eggnog. I was also thinking about like an eggnog syrup that you could

just put on other foods. Which is it? I can't review both. Do you have a preference? Yeah,

let's go deeper. Those are the two or did you come up with other stuff? No, I came up

with two eggnog related desserts. And one's a condiment,, let's go deeper. Those are the two, or did you come up with other stuff? No, I came up with two eggnog-related desserts. And one's a condiment, like one's a syrup that you would put on other things. Yeah, and one is just the eggnog in a different cup, essentially. But you're vegan, famously. That's your only brand on the show at this point. Yeah. So for you, it would have to be like sugared beans

or something like that. Vegnock. Yeah. What do you really eat for dessert? Don't say sugared beans. Dairy-free ice cream. Okay. What do you like,

that Halo Top? No, that's not dairy. That has dairy. That's dairy. What do you like, Ben? So? S, that's not dairy. That has dairy. That's dairy. What do you like, Ben? So, S-O? So is eggnog your dream dessert? Is that why that's all you're thinking about?

Yeah. Because it's so forbidden fruit? It is. That's why he had to go vegan. Yeah. Just addicted to the nog. Ten months a year, you were suffering. You're like, call in the grocery store.

Kevin was a true nog beast. And it was starting to impact his ability to do his job. Constantly looking for epic nog. He nogged himself out of a couple of loving relationships. Jordan, how are we doing for time? We're at 45 minutes. Wow, feels like longer. That's close.

Yeah, it's felt like an eternity. That's pretty close with some of the big ads we're going to do. Oh, good. Oh, sure, yeah, for that episode. There's not a lot of ads for next week's episode. What? What happened? I think they used them all on the other episodes.

Maybe spread them out. Yeah, because we did five in one episode and everyone hated that. Now we have zero? Yeah. I've suggested it. There's some internal ones. Internal ads? Yeah, those are ads for other shows on the network. I've suggested it there's some internal ones internal ads yeah those are ads for other shows on the network

that are bigger than our show that you guys have to do what a joy it's cool I love plugging that shit man it fucking rocks it's great you know that you're helping out and other people can find

comedy bang bang or whatever from listening to an ad we do on this show. The episode that they just listened to before they listened to us. Yeah. We're now telling them to go back and listen again, I guess. To being reminded, yeah, that they probably missed a lot of riffs. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

A lot of Easter eggs buried deep. I guess I, you know what? Listen to it at.5x. They must be having to Easter eggs buried deep. I guess I, you know what? They must be having to do it for us. Like, I don't think about it. I mean, they probably don't do as good a job as we do for them, but I guess they have to do it for us. Unskippable. That's us.

Max, when I was a Sorry. When I was a Do that before you start talking. You're right. It's a good tip. And off mic. I was a page at NBC two years ago, and you spoke at this Dick Wolf kind of thing, and you slayed it. You had so many funny jokes. I was wondering if you remembered any of them. Oh, shit.

The Dick Wolf, like his— It was like a big press thing, and you kind of hosted— Sorry, just so some people don't know what you guys are talking about. The Dick Wolf is like a werewolf that lives in Kevin's pants. Yes. And when Kevin says it, you slayed it. Yeah. He means you fired the silver bullet that finally

calmed down his goal. And when he says I hosted it, it was staying in LA for the summer. It was like when you're overseas, doing a semester abroad. So Dick Wolf was here. I was happy to host it. But then I slayed it. Killed it dead.

And that's why you can't get things pregnant anymore. An American dick wolf in London. You were an NBC page? Yeah. Why do you never talk about that? You'll talk about anything. That's true.

Well, I quit for this job. Whoa. Yeah. So you were scared that they would find out? Were you trying to do both? Yeah, I was for a period of time. And then I was interviewing for this for full time. In L.A. or in New York?

In L.A. You were an embassy page in L.A.? Oh, they don't have those here. Yeah, the New York ones are the famous. Regis was not an L.A. page. Kenneth the Page? In L.A.? I don't think so.

Guess I wasn't a page. No, you weren't. Did you get to keep the suit? No, I had to return it. Did you do that while you quit angrily? Like you screamed, like, I'm getting the fuck out of here, and then you got peeled off the suit in front of them? No, I put in my two weeks,

and then the day before there was kind of a big party, and I left the suit on my boss's desk, and I left before the party. It was a party to celebrate you leaving. Getting the suit back. They ordered 200 bottles of champagne to celebrate getting the suit back from Kevin. Never thought they were going to see it again. celebrate getting the suit back from Kevin. Never thought they were going to see it again.

Max, is there any of the jokes that you did to slay Kevin's dick wolf in your special? Yeah, you do the Netflix comedy. I think they're all in there. It's all the dick wolf jokes? Yeah, yeah. I mean, because I had them. And then it wasn't filmed, right? No. The're all in there. It's all the Dick Wolf jokes? Yeah, yeah. I mean, because I had them. And then it wasn't filmed, right? No.

The Dick Wolf slang. Yeah, so I just did them again. But now I can't do them anymore. Damn, dude. Damn. I know. You want to tell one joke? Yeah, yeah.

Obviously, I'd love to. Wait, do I have to laugh for it? Yes, please Jordan's like a great laugher She's actually got an amazing laugh She's got a BA in vocal performance So this will be great for you And this is like your confidence And she has to do it, so don't worry about it

It's a great plug for this Sounds like people are really laughing You know that the you know the crosswalk guy uh why is he white so yeah i mean that in 2018 is kind of uh like that's good i'm on the right side of things yes you know the crosswalk guy should they should give someone else a chance. Well, I mean, the full bit, I don't want to take up the time, is about how, like, it should change. Yeah.

Every one second to a different color. Yes. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about a specific crossing guard. No, no, the light. No, the light on the. That's what I thought. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Well, sometimes he the light. No, the light on the... That's what I thought. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, sometimes he's green. Shit. A little late, Jordan. That doesn't really help Max when you laugh at Hazel. Yeah. I'm sorry. But it could be an interesting bit to do.

Yeah. To say, like, to be referring to a specific crossing card. And say that maybe they should get... Just a guy you know that you want to see fired. Yes, they should maybe get some diversity in that role. Yeah, I think that all crossing guards should be black. Which is not a good bit for 2018, but that's why I'll say whatever. I guess I like that it's edgy.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I'll say whatever, you know? I guess I like that it's edgy. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to get into, like, the, like, Opie, like, kind of the Jim Norton, Opie, Kamiya. Yeah, get at the table. Yeah, yeah. Kamiya. Kamiya. Like, I'm tired of this PC culture. Yeah.

Yeah. That's all you really have to say? Yeah. Then you're in. Bosh fell asleep from eating too much foam. Hey, you know. Foam poison. Guy's been working hard.

He's lying down, but his eyes are wide open. He pulled the headphone. God, I've got to learn how to talk. Go outside to do that. and then come back in. He pulled the headphones right out of the garbage can immediately. Did you take a picture of it? Well, I took them. I hid them.

Also, I think you're scaring strangers when you shout my name who don't know that you do that. Because sometimes Jonathan's people will be sitting on the couch, and then they'll hear like, Well, there was a woman out there who looked right at Hazem and was very disturbed by it. But she definitely didn't look scared. She looked scared to me. I will say, you don't have a funny expression on your face when you scream Kevin. It feels like you're fully embodying the anger that your voice sounds like. Like you look mad.

I'm always being funny. Yeah, sometimes what's funny is to scare everyone. He scared me in the elevator. Okay. We don't have to tell that story. So just the two of you were in an elevator

and you, Hayes, scared her? We weren't in the elevator. The door opened and I guess I was standing a little close to the door in a way that was... Because I'm excited to get out. I'm excited to get out and do the show. Yeah, yeah. So I guess I kind of burst out of the elevator. Okay, well, who could really blame him for being excited to do the show?

At the same time, we don't necessarily want to scare the first woman who's voluntarily worked for Earwolf in the history of the company's existence. I know. It's more of a boy book energy. I know, and it's part of what Earwolf used to be when it was all guys. We were kind of just sprinting around. It was kind of a jackass environment where you just didn't know

what was next and you were probably going to get slapped by a giant hand that shoot out of the wall or something. People were constantly taking pictures of people shitting over the stalls. So funny, man. And they print them out big and hang them as posters. I hate feeling safe. That's not friendship to me. funny, man. And they print them out big and hang them as posters. I hate feeling safe.

That's not friendship to me. Okay, Max, what's the next thing that you're going to do? Are you going back on the road at all? No. Bye. Hollywood Hamburg. That was a HeadGum Podcast.