Hollywood Handbook - Michelle Zauner (Japanese Breakfast) and Ben Rodgers, Our Close Friends

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

Sean welcomes MICHELLE ZAUNER of Japanese Breakfast to evaluate BEN RODGERS guest co-hosting. Check out her book and band on tour! Also, see Hollywood Handbook live this Sunday, November 14th at Vulture Fest LA with special guest Titus Welliver! Tickets available here.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. At 1115 a.m. Check out this headline from Vulture Fest. Hollywood Handbook dives into Hollywood homicide with Bosch. A coming together of two L.A. institutions. I got the freaking goosebumps, gang. This is going to be amazing. The ticket links are in the description. See you there Sunday, November 14th. Okay, Ben. okay ben and whenever you're ready just take us in okay oh i'm actually like you got to do the this is the thing hayes and i we switch off every week who does uh so michelle so you know so the

way the show normally starts is one of us is finishing a funny little story from our week uh sometimes they're about us doing something fantastical or they're about us like with our famous friends it's kind of a name droppy thing some activity but you know i've done it the past couple of weeks and so it's haze's turn of Of course, Hayes is not here. We have possible guest host, Ben Rogers. And so you just... And Kevin, if you want to start the song again, actually, we usually start it during the song. It'll be quick, and then we'll bring you in, Michelle,

as soon as Ben tells. Kind of a funny little anecdote to lighten the mood and get the show off on the right foot. Yeah, I feel like this is a bad one to switch off on. I wasn't even aware I was going to be guest, a hosting possibility. I thought I was just coming in and doing a quick bit or two. I didn't realize I was in the running for a guest.

I mean, I'm happy to do promoted, you know what I mean? So this is good news for you. And I say pressure makes diamonds. So what we'll do is Kevin, we'll start the song again. You'll launch right into just a funny

whimsical story that makes the guest comfortable that makes us look good and then you know it'll they always kind of end in a very natural uh fun funny way okay and then and then we get into the show. It sets the show up for success. Okay, that's good. Honestly, I need this. So I bought a puzzle. It's big. It's 3,000 pieces. And I've been working on this bad boy all weekend. Ben, do you listen to the show at all? I haven't in a while. Okay.

I did a puzzle thing very recently so we try not to do it we try not to steal each other's stuff and like step on each other's ideas oh really okay because all right you know just i did a puzzle thing actually went over awesome it was really funny michelle did you hear that one the puzzle what no you didn't got saving it up i do that sometimes where i save it up for like and you're on tour now so you probably got you know certain longer commutes and stretches where you're traveling and you're like wow that'll fly by if i save this great puzzle story that sean told on the episode with and who knows what guest it was whether it was

the try guys or one of these other guests we've had um but okay you so you haven't heard it either michelle okay so ben finish the puzzle story and then we should bring the guest in because she's been waiting a long time and it's kind of like she's like the big deal for this yeah okay i mean i'll just speed right to the end and this is straight ripped from the headlines i mean this really happened i finished this thing and i'm missing a piece and i'm like son of a bitch i opened my roomba it's in there and it's completed anyway that's it okay and now ben will just welcome us all to hollywood handbook and you of course know the famous catchphrase from the show i have no idea all right i don't know it man yeah if this is what we do we back each other up and i don't i'm not

sure i know it either hayes usually says but okay what up what up welcome to hollywood handbook and insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz such a great show today we have an amazing guest michelle's honor she's on tour with her band japanese breakfast she had this memoir come out this year crying in h mart chef kevin said it's the best book he's read all year and maybe even longer than that and it started an enormous feud with friends and guests of the show uh here to squash the beef we've got michelle michelle how are you feeling good yes that's exactly what we wanted and i'll credit that to ben a little bit so obviously we have ben he's never guest hosted we've never had a guest host really at all hayes he's he's

busy his life is picking up he's got a lot of irons in the fire he's got these other projects um have you seen any of these fast movies fast furious fat and all that stuff yes okay hayes is he's making the cars now for those oh sick yeah it's fucking sick dude he put like fires on them and stuff because they're getting already complicated yeah so he's doing that they go into space now yeah the cars go to space and so he's kind of like and he says they're going to space and he like wouldn't tell me exactly what he meant but he said and beyond so to me i'm like that's a really big deal we might be like the afterlife or something yeah that i guess i guess that too i said maybe they drive through the finale of lost like would that be sick like when everyone's getting on the bus from purgatory to go to heaven if the fucking bus gets into a drag race then with one of these fast

and the furious cars and they can do that now i mean the technology's there i don't know if you guys saw the irishman but they can do crazy stuff hey you could put those guys in lost no problem yes i saw the irishman very famous episode of our show about that movie um but yeah that i loved in the irishman when they went to lost um you know we obviously were honored to have you uh we love that you're a guest here also we, we have some housekeeping, which is we got to see if Ben would make a good guest host for the show. And I'm open to all notes. Anything, you know, good, bad, fire away. I will say I do need this.

You didn't even know that you were offered. I didn't. No, I didn't. But now that it's on the table, I am realizing how much stuff. I'm in big trouble, Michelle, and I could use this. Your house looks pretty nice. It's too nice. It's too nice.

And, you know, I got fucking Boulder coming for him. It's like Indiana Jones. Like the second he signed the deed of that living space, he basically had to run as fast as he could. And he needs a paycheck. To podcasting, yeah. Well, to podcasting. I pissed off some of the wrong people.

And I'm, you know, Kevin Feige guy has it in for me. And I'm having trouble getting jobs anywhere so podcasting whatever i'll do anything yeah and so um i i know you haven't really listened to the show we know we usually don't denigrate podcasting okay oh were you talking to me you start off being like to podcasting like it's the shittiest thing you can do just because for for me it's a huge part of my life you know and i didn't when i talked about like your band and your memoir i wasn't like you have a band and like you wrote a memoir like it's like just it's just not nice so um i'll start off and just say is there anything you want to get off your chest now that you're here is there any kind of rant you want to unload on us michelle what really burnt your

beans this week bad customer service interaction or maybe just somebody cut you off in traffic um we had uh i flew to austin from new york and we we were great comedy scene there yeah and uh we got on the plane uh luckily this festival paid for me to be in business so i was like oh great like this will go easy it's like a three-hour flight and uh i guess i i heard that um wait what's that thing called with the race cars not fast and furious but like grand formula one formula one yeah like the formula one's going on so later on i heard that there were a lot of like private jets that were flying out of new york and that's why the traffic was backed up for like two hours on the plane. Like we were on the runway and waiting for all these things and these planes to go up. And like we had a very honest, like communicative pilot, like maybe like painfully so like not like should not have been as as like transparent as he was. Keep some of it to yourself.

So he was basically like, OK, well, like the progress report is, is it going to be like a two-hour wait on this runway because there's all these planes and you know we're going to take that we're going to turn the engine off because we have the minimum amount of gas to get from new york to austin so to save gas we're going to like turn the engine off and then like the whole plane was just like why why would you tell us? Like, why would you like top that shit off? Like, what the fuck? So then. Hey, everybody, you're mildly in danger. I'm actually not going to drink for this ride.

We're in good hands. And then like, so then we got like rerouted. And so we didn't have enough gas. We had to go back to the gate. There was like a miscommunication about whether or not people could get off of the plane and go get something to eat. It was really early in the morning. It was a weird time where people probably didn't eat anything

and then two hours delay. We were worried about starving or something. Hey, gang, thanks again for choosing this airline. I did an oopsie. So what we are going to do is just start over. All right, gang. My bad. I ate all the granola bars.

We're in a lot of trouble here, but we'll be fine. We'll be fine. Yeah. So I felt like I got these stale corn nuts that I was really coveting. And my greatest fear is being hungry. So that was my trauma of the week. And that's a good fear to have. Yeah, I have a major fear of being,

I don't know what happened to me. I think it might be a bad one because it's going to happen. Yeah. But it's better than like being afraid of like water or something like that or like something more common yeah but if you're afraid of snakes i feel like you can lead so much of your life without really feeling like you're gonna encounter one but if you're afraid of being hungry that is coming for you yeah it's a real fear it's gonna happen for me basically every single day

yeah i do that thing where like i'm definitely not gonna finish something and i'm probably not Yeah, it's a real fear. It's going to happen for me basically every single day. Yeah, I do that thing where like I'm definitely not going to finish something and I'm probably not going to eat it later, but it's really hard for me to get rid of because I live in fear that one day I will or like later on I will be hungry and I will want the thing that I threw away. So I tend to kind of like raccoon food away. kind of like raccoon food away i had a friend once who was uh an assistant for extremely famous uh television showrunner personality and maybe you'll get to this level at some point but basically what happened is this very powerful famous person got very hungry one day sort of reacted like he didn't know what was happening to him and called in the assistant

and said hey this way i feel i don't like it why do i feel this way i haven't eaten anything in hours and they were like okay yeah we'll get you food and then the food was taking too long and he said this is never happening again what i want is every hour on the hour you bring me food and so they would go and get like a really nice sushi or like a turkey burger or whatever it was and just bring it into his office and like three quarters of the time he'd be like what i don't want that i just ate one hour ago like why are you bringing this to me but just in case i mean who wants a turkey burger period i haven't even thought about a turkey burger in years michelle you're not you're not gonna believe the turn this story takes i'll tell you who wanted it my friend

the assistant so he walks in his boss says get that out of here i don't want that like i just ate he goes back to his desk gets into lotus corner and starts eating the turkey burger the boss comes out of the office goes you know what i changed my mind i will have the turkey burger now he's fucked he has to pretend he got mugged but i uh i gotta, we don't insult podcasting on this show, and we don't insult turkey burgers. I will insult turkey burgers to the death. Consider that strike two.

And honestly, I'm sorry you had such a bad flight experience. I was one of those private jets going to Austin, and I had no business. I mean, why I'm wasting my money on that jet. I am fucked here. I mean, financially. I have to say that I think that turkey burgers and podcasts are like the most Caucasian things. So I'm waiting for my number three strike being like something like granola bars or something. Okay.

Yeah. And that is what the pilot, that was the first specific that the pilot said he ate all of on the flight. So that feels pretty targeted at this point. So I guess now's a good time for me to check in and say, I'm not really the main host of the show. Usually I'm more of the co-host. I need Ben to be driving the bus a little bit. So when you told your anecdote about the plane and everything, how'd you feel about the way Ben, like when he chimed in,

what he was bringing to the table? Did he give you space michelle to to finish your story did you feel like the momentum was lost like how did that go for you it went great but ben's doing a great job ben's doing good i'm so proud of him oh wow because i thought for sure you were gonna really take me to task about the granola bar thing because i did i was the one that threw that in there and it didn't seem to go over oh i'm not about the granola bar thing because i did i was the one that threw that in there and it didn't seem to go over oh i'm not like a granola bar fan uh really i neither am i usually they're packed with sugar get that shit out of my life you know so no turkey burgers no

granola bars so what's a food that yeah yeah what's a snack let's get snacking have you done doughboys yet what there's another podcast called doughboys they're sort of a rival podcast of ours but you haven't done that show yet i have not in their face i'm only here because of kevin hell yeah good good what so what other podcasts have you been on just so ben knows what he's dealing with um i've been on song exploder which is maybe i don't really listen to that many podcasts to be honest um i was on a lot of podcasts this year and uh worse i my the only podcast i've ever really listened to is song exploder uh and but that's about it i i did enjoy um the what's it called the sporkful i think sporkful yeah because they were and i

assume that they were one of the first people that invited me to to be on and i never heard of them and then there was a whole pasta thing that I heard about later. But I thought that the way that it got put together was very nice. Well, I mean, that's something you and I agree with, because I don't listen to any podcast either. I don't listen to this one. How are you going to be a podcast host? That's a great question. It's something I probably should have done. Again, I didn't know this was a possibility.

So I probably would have crammed in a lot of podcasts had I known. But now I feel like we're kind of on the same page though well hang on i'm not trying out to be a podcast host right i'm a podcast guest hopefully yeah you're now you're trying now you're trying out to be a host you're a guest both of you don't listen to podcasts is it or is it a requirement to do it and and i'll ask you this i mean you're a musician but Both of you don't listen to podcasts. Is it a requirement to do it? And I'll ask you this. I mean, you're a musician, but do you listen to music? Really? Yeah.

You do? I do. Oh, that's great news. So you're not the only musician we have here. Something you may not know is we're actually all in the same biz. In a way. You're sitting here with three other musicians well ben just just completed my master class on making music so and it was really rewarding we recorded a separate podcast where it's uh it's much like the masterclasses you'll see ads for on YouTube. And Sean instructed me on making music. And we did. We did get a couple of songs out of it.

We made some songs. So I'm curious because you, by your own admission, listen to music, your words, not mine. Would would you from a professional musician perspective want to hear a sampling of the work we created and kind of feel out is this something for us to collaborate on here you are you're on our podcast do we get on one of your songs i don't know i don't want to get ahead of myself but But would you want to check that out? Sure. Yes. I can't believe how enthusiastic you seem about this. Girl, I guess it's time to put my cards on the table.

You shredded my heart like a shipping label. Feeling invisible, moving through a crowd. Feeling invisible Moving through a crowd I don't even say my controversial thoughts Out loud when someone goes down Stop, Kevin. I think I should explain something about this song. Who's singing?

That's Sean. That's me. That's Sean. So two things to know about this song. One is the lyrics are all centered around the survivalist concept of the gray man. Are you familiar with the idea of becoming gray? No. The gray man is able to move undetected through a public space when the thin veneer of society falls away and so a lot of the methodology involved in that for instance cutting all the shipping labels off of your

packages so that your neighbors don't know what companies you shop from those are being folded into the song just something i think that might increase your enjoyment although the song stands on its own right yeah we probably should have explained it before we played the song i don't know i don't know i think starting stopping maybe getting back into it for just two or three more lines and then when you asked who was singing was it because it's so good yes one other thing to know about the song is the way it was constructed is i just sang it and then someone else assembled music for it much later uh so if the music doesn't match that's why i don't turn on the lights things have gone from color to a blend of black and white When you walked away

You turned my whole world gray Don't know what to say Now that you turned this man gray Changed my haircut that I know you never liked It's shorter now but it's not quite high and tight. Okay, so I think we can fade it out. So, talk about this song. I mean, explode this thing for me.

That's what you do, right? Oh my God. Yeah, like pretend we're on Song Exploder, I guess, right? Yeah. Let's blow this fucking thing to bits so who who did the did ben do the arrangement no so engineer brett wasn't able to be here with us today but he's our friend who is does music as well yeah he's actually talented and knows what he's doing our involvement was somewhat limited to vocals the lyrics as well did ben contribute lyrics well i actually roll what

was ben's role in all this ben has his own song if you think you're done hearing songs from our other podcast i have great news for you. There's another one. Ben was actually able to get in the studio. I love it. Fuck COVID. You love it when what? You get to hear new artists, young, exciting artists. Yeah.

It's cool to discover new music. Yeah, we're right there with you. When men play their music for me. I assume that would be something you would like, especially men like this. And thanks for calling us, men. Yes. Because so often I feel like a little boy,

and all it takes is a reminder from an artist I respect that, hey, I'm a man out here. I'm a gray man writing songs about it. Not so young. So would you, uh yeah i guess that's right graying graying man and so i guess maybe let's hear some of the other song and then we can see because you said you like when men hear it yeah and then when men play music and then we can see, because you said you like when men hear it. Yeah. And then when men play music. Okay. And then we can see which one you like. I'm going to pick which one I like more. Okay. Okay, great.

And whoever wins is the podcast host. Oh, my God. Okay. High stakes for me. Any setup or should we just jump right in? You know, why don't we do the same thing? Let's just play it. Let's play a little.

Now that we've established the pattern, let's just play a little. And then maybe we'll add some context in a great you're all locked up and you want to be free god triggered should listen to me who you thought was your friend was a liar Who you thought was your friend was a liar. But he's no sugar glider. Okay, why don't we stop there? Good spot to stop it.

And you know what a sugar glider is, maybe? It's a little cute animal. I don't know. I've never heard of that before, but is it like a flying squirrel type very similar yeah they look like that um but maybe even so close yeah bigger eyes your guys's are like fixations are very different than mine we must have like very different algorithms okay yeah our instagram stuff is probably totally different mine is um all over the place it's uh but right now it's probably pretty sugar glider heavy especially after coming up with the lyrics to this with brett so in the the song uh a guy's a guy thinks a sugar glider uh his pet sugar glider is an actual animal when in reality it's a criminal hiding as a sugar

glider and and that criminal harboring that fugitive who he thought was an exotic animal has led to him being arrested by interpol and secured in a russian prison so it's kind of relatable and i feel like anybody can get behind it and and having a similar experience so i guess we'll hear like two more lines of the song then we'll just talk about both of them okay great look at your face it's full of scars took your kidney in your car thought he was cute but he's a russian thug for hire he ain't no sugar glider all right cool okay great why don't we stop there kevin so let's stop there so you know tell me first reaction scale scale one to 10, the first song.

Both songs are 10s. Both are 10s. Okay. Both are 10s. I knew it. I will say we talked about it before we recorded today. Sean was like, I think we're going to play the songs. They're probably going to be both 10s.

And I was like, no way. So he did call that and it's fair. And you were right. Hey, and I, you know, I never want to be right at your expense, Ben. Part of what makes our dynamic work is that we lift each other up and support each other. But this is one where I'm happy to take the win because she's actually celebrating your artistic achievement as well. You said something that was interesting to me, Michelle, which is that our fixations are different from yours. Can I hear about some of your fixations?

I have been into the Brontes lately. The Brontes. Yeah. All three of them? Yeah, I actually was doing a crossword the other day and it was a combo clue. Michelle, I actually was doing a crossword the other day and it was a combo clue. Michelle, I was doing the same crossword

puzzle. It was funny because I'm reading Jane Eyre right now and it was like trilogy of women writers or I don't remember what the clue was but I had just been reading about the Brontes and

What if I told you you have the same fixation I played Brocklehurst what? yeah that's right I played Brocklehurst in a stage production of Jane Eyre I guess he's the damn

headmaster so we're obsessed with Jane Eyre, but we don't know Brocklehurst. I forgot about Brocklehurst. I'm in like act two. Busted. I'm more of a spelling bee guy myself. Okay.

You guys ever do the spelling bee? I was two words shy of queen bee the other day. Kicking myself. One of them I should have gotten the other one i was like huh that's a word you ever do the spelling bee michelle um i have some tour mates that i think do that but i i haven't i'm not on this app it's an app right it's a new york times it's in the same crosser puzzle app oh really it's in the same damn app you back out across the puzzle they got crosser puzzle the daily mini and right below that the spelling bee oh cool and you know what don't don't get into it because it takes it takes over your life and it's too much it's an obsession if you get every word i mean the you max out at a genius genius is genius

is the level and if you don't get to genius your whole day is ruined and if you do get to genius you go i think i could get queen bee so if you go beyond genius and get every word that's possible they give you a status called queen bee which every once in a while I'll see somebody take a screen grab of it and like post it on Instagram or something. Now, I am not good at spelling. I've never gotten Queen B. I've gotten close a couple times, but even that was a bit of a stretch. Someday, maybe I'll keep my fingers crossed. How's your spelling? How's your spelling? I think my spelling is pretty deece. I don't know if I like really am too interested in doubling down on my spelling. But yeah. And crossword wise, what kind of times are we looking at?

I have to be honest, I don't do the crossword too regularly anymore. I was more into it a couple of years ago. But now my husband does it and if he's having trouble, then I'll help him. My drummer is really good at it. But yeah, most of my app focus is on... Looking for a number on the time. Okay, a number on the time.

I don't know. It depends on the day. Sure does. Let's say it's a good day. No, but it depends which day of the week. If it's a Monday, then it's like 10 minutes. Yeah, we're sub-10 on Monday, right? Right.

Yeah. We're sub-10 on the Monday. To be honest, I don't know if I could finish a Thursday by myself at this point in time. You know, I can't finish it without checking it. And at that point, am I really doing it? Yeah. That's how I feel. I need checking.

I'll take any of the help I can get. I need to cross that line. Who am I trying to prove something to? I'm not checking my Thursday puzzle. Who's it for? It's torture. Hollywood Handbook. Eating better is easy with factors. ready to eat meals every fresh never frozen

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aren't the dresses oh no they were not from the movie they didn't resemble anything from the movie they were not they were either way too big or way too small for a human to wear yeah and one of them was a dressing yeah one of them was it was it was a vinaigrette it was a raspberry vinaigrette it was a french raspberry vinaigrette dressing oh they'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20 all you have to do is take a picture of your bill and rocket money takes care of the rest they have over 5 million users and have helped save its members an average of 720 a year with over 500 million dollars in canceled subscriptions and that was i mean just to be fully transparent that 500 million was most of that was the the

dresses well yeah i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys, rocketmoney.com slash the boys. So Bang hasn't had all of his kind of hosting paces tested here. So I do want to say, so let's say I get up and have to go to the bathroom during the podcast. It's an emergency. I'm leaving you two alone to banter on your own how do you think you might

handle that ben and let's say i'm very sick and i really need to leave the podcast immediately and i may not even come back how are you gonna handle that with Michelle? I try to stay cool because I think, oh, and he's gone. And I'm worried because is this a test or was he trying to tell us that he does have something going on? And then it makes me question the whole thing about Hayes building these cars and maybe he's sick, too. Maybe both these guys have been hanging out. Maybe they're both sick. And maybe he's sick, too. Maybe both these guys have been hanging out.

Maybe they're both sick. But I'll put that aside and put my professional foot forward with the, I don't know, impending death of two guys I know possibly out there. Kevin doesn't know. He looks clueless. Clueless. Sorry, gang. Okay. Go ahead, Ben.

I am thinking about back to the spelling thing and that you're like, you're decent spelling. Do you want to throw some words out there? Well, no, I don't. But like, when you write songs and write music, are you ever worried somebody's going to like, look at the shit you wrote down and be like, what's this say? That would freak me out.

That would be the hope, I think. That people are looking at it and like, well, you just write it down and then just like put it out there for everybody to see. I mean, that's my job. God damn, you're brave. You did it too, Ben. But you don't like clean it up.

You were explaining your lyrics on here. You just did the same thing. Right, but that's different than like seeing the little scrap of paper I wrote it down on. You know what I mean? But you have premiered, you've debuted the song on this podcast and talked about your inspirations and... Yeah, I think if people saw the guts of it, is what I'm saying, that would be horrifying. They would be like, can this guy write?

About sugar gliders can he actually put like hold a pencil it looks like a serial killer wrote it are you talking about my actual handwriting yeah i tricked you are you okay i've always been fine i'm actually doing great. Michelle, were you comfortable during that segment? That's a no. That's a no. I blew it. No, I think that he did good.

But I feel like we're both feeling rough and dark here. Let me ask this and I feel like maybe some of our content and the references have gotten a little insular and you're feeling on the outside of it so I'm going to try to do something a little more inclusive so you did a pod you did you did music rather you did music for video game. Oh, yeah. Isn't that right? I did. Do you know Matt Apodaca?

No, I don't. Okay. This guy loves video games. Who is that? He's a guy. Well, I'll just come right out and say it. He's part of another podcast. But this one's about video games.

And I was just talking to him recently. And then I'm listening to your video game music. And I'm thinking, God, Matt would just love this. So something to put on the wish list. I have some feedback for Ben, if that helps. Oh, okay. Yeah, I could use it. I'm always thinking about co-host dynamic. And although this is being very friendly overall,

I always think icebreakers never hurt for a meeting of someone new. And so Ben, I actually wrote some for you if you'd like me to send them to you. I would love that. Yeah, if you want if you'd like me to send them i would love that yeah if you want to send them to me okay i put a handful of them in the chat just to you okay and then maybe you could try asking oh this is this is a lot there's a lot you can pick your favorites kevin's never done this for me sent me something to kind of help me

with my interview well i mean i think they are going to help. I'm zeroing in on one right away. Uh, and this is from Kevin's icebreaker list. Michelle, who's your cartoon crush? Oh, um, oh, you know, I was just watching the Netflix trailer for the, for cowboy bebop. And I feel like spike Spiegel is the ultimate cartoon crush from Cowboy Bebop in such a bit. And this is where I'm feeling, and thank you for being

honest with me. Good. This guy's fucking crushing it. He's stealing my show. Kevin, why didn't you send me any of these icebreakers? What about you, This would be so helpful. Sorry. Cartoon Crush? I mean, this sounds so basic.

And you level with me. Are you going to say Jessica Rabbit? I'm not. I'm not. Or Lola Bunny? No, I'm actually going to say Bugs Bunny. I'm going with the classics. Yeah. I know it's like saying fucking coca-cola or like like

vanilla ice cream but like you can't beat buggy the dude's funny i mean gender fluid yeah i i you know nobody asked me but i gotta gotta i gotta think for bad boys i know it's not good but the kooky crisp burglar has gotta be up there for me wow i mean you think about this dude is looking danger in the face every day the way he's dressed you know he's been caught stealing cookies before because he's still in the prison outfit but he goes right back to the flame well the thing about the cookie crisp uh criminal sorry i had to i had to like google him look who he is he's got a dog like which which points for having a dog because because it means he does have a big heart.

I think the dog's name is Chip. The dog's name is Chip. That's correct. And he actually served his time in full. What's under his nose? Are they like wrinkles? It's a vicious scar. No, it's a horrible scar.

The lore of the Cookie Chris Bur burglar is actually pretty tragic. Is it really? It's kind of like, yeah, those are scars. I think somebody tried to, so as I know it, someone tried to sew his mouth shut so he couldn't eat cookies anymore. Yes, that's correct. And those are stitches. It's not a wispy little mustache

no like you would think that it looks like a mustache it does it looks like a little wispy mustache but those are actually the pieces of stitching that are still in there from when they from someone took a needle and thread and tried to secure his mouth shut uh so that he couldn't steal any more cookies no No, those are hairs. Horrible. I've seen it from a new angle now. And Michelle, you're really nice. I mean, I can tell you gave us some points that maybe you were

you were fudging it a little bit. And now you're being nice to even the cookie crisp mascot and saying that's a mustache, not terrifying stitches that are just dangling from your upper lip. It looked like it initially, but now I see that it's a mustache. Maybe they amended it. But yeah, you can when you get convicted for something like staying, like being a cookie addict and eating cookie and going to jail for that. You can't get out early on probation.

But if you get busted when you're on probation, you're going to be in the slammer like three times as long. So what the cookie crisp criminal did is he actually served his initial sentence. That was so nice. He's like, I know I'm i'm gonna be back here why would i want parole i'm gonna get busted again i'm gonna wind back up in the big house and so smart he knows he's got a problem and he's just committed to it so good choice sean thanks yeah that's definitely my personal cartoon crush uh and yours is bugs bunny and of course cowboy bebop so we've got some other icebreakers here great and uh here's one you accidentally selected lift ride share and pick up the guy who you did the big bow on your plane it's a reference to some earlier questions but

we can get to that later okay oh i didn't realize this was like a narrative it becomes one okay i'll start wow maybe you start with you're flying from la to atlanta to see the big game okay great and you know what i appreciate these and i gotta i gotta dock you a few co-host points here and i would love to for this to work out yeah because i don't i don't know when we're gonna see haze again these cars take forever to make if that's true and to get them onto the lost island is going to be a massive undertaking now i'm starting to think that kevin has gone from maybe ally to enemy and set me up for failure with this list. I don't know. We'll see.

So you're flying to LA to Atlanta to see the big game. When the plane lands, everyone claps. But here's the kicker. Dude in front of you stands and takes a bow. Is that funny or disrespectful? Wait, sorry. Okay. Yeah, I can give you the rundown one more time. I'm going to need it again

too, not that anyone's asking me. Ben, we need more riveting narration. And also, I feel like the big game is in LA, Kevin. So, like, the story kind of, I guess maybe flip it from Atlanta to LA.

Thank you. Okay, yeah, I'll fix it up. Good note. So, you're flying from Atlanta to LA to see thank you okay yeah i'll fix it up good note so you're flying from atlanta to la to see the big game right we can't say super bowl uh but that's what we're implying the plane lands and you know how it is when the plane lands every it's smooth landing everybody clap oh okay right okay everybody cheers you LA. You're going to see the big game. You're fucking psyched in this scenario. You like football. Okay. Which probably a stretch.

It's not. Why is that a stretch? Because you know what? Oh, my God. It's a pretty problematic game right now. Okay. All the CTE stuff. So now you're stereotyping our guest as not problematic.

Yeah. I think that Michelle could be just as problematic as anyone else. I am hoping she's like, I don't support the gladiator sports. People with brain damage. So everybody, again, in this scenario, you're fucking pumped. The thing fucking ben has a problem with is that the people have brain damage yeah he doesn't want to get people with brain damage so in this scenario you uh support brain people with brain damage and and just run with that okay so like get into character you're somebody who uh likes brain damage could be a cool

acting exercise you've done everything else everybody's clapping music memoir you're making a movie and now it's time to act i'll tell you what i don't have a pod your own podcast so this is the smoothest landing you've ever been on. I mean, this thing, you didn't even realize the plane touched down. You thought you were still in the air. It's like, holy shit, we just landed. Like, no little bump, nothing. It's not scary. Like, it's, everybody's legit pumped about this landing.

And they're like, fuck, I got, I don't normally do this. And this is maybe how you're thinking on this point like i'm not a clapper for when the planes land that's just their job but this one i'm fucking clapping for this shit so you're clapping there's this guy thinks he's a real joker he's sitting in front of you and instead of clapping he gets up, turns around, takes a big bow. As if the applause is for him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got it.

I hate him. You hate him. You think that's disrespectful. Not funny. I don't think it's disrespectful. I just think it's, I like hate that. I hate that type of guy. Kevin, did you do that?

Nope. But it feels like he wanted to. I hate that type of guy okay kevin did you do that nope but it feels like he wanted to i hate that type of guy let me change it let me change this just a little bit my husband's like brother i he might listen to this podcast but uh his brother my husband brother's friend is the type of guy with this podcast yeah he probably is obsessed with this podcast uh i don't know like what is your demographic like are they gonna listen to this and think it's mostly it's mostly friends with this podcast. Yeah, he probably is obsessed with this podcast. I don't know. What is your demographic? Are they going to listen to this and think, I am awful?

It's husband's brother. It's husband's brother's friends. That's who we're aiming at. Yeah, we cater our content to them. That's something that he would do. He's the type of person that goes to a really fancy restaurant and is like, you guys have nuggets here? Like multiple times.

Oh, wow. So like, not just to like, to the waiter, he makes the same joke. And that to me is like the type of person. I thought this place was nice. They don't even have nuggets. Who would get up and like bow in that. And I hate that. And they take his plate and he's like, I hated it.

Can I give you, can I change the scenario? Exactly. Exactly. I'd just like to get a read on you from this i'm just wondering if your demographic is gonna hate me because like they're that guy michelle yeah we the only thing our demographic hates is hate itself okay we're a positive group uplifting they're going to say, really cool that Michelle did the show. She didn't know what it was, but we love the way she just rolled with it. Now, let me give you a

scenario similar to the one that Ben pitched you. You land, smooth landing, everybody's clapping, you're clapping too. And a woman in the front row stands and takes a bow. How do we feel about her? It would never happen. I can't even imagine. I will say in that scenario, it would be so much more surprising if a woman did that.

And I almost... You'd have to give it up. You'd have to give it up. I give it you'd have to give it up i wouldn't hate her that's right that's right okay and honestly i'm starting to think if i'm starting to think if i'm on a date with some girl and i'm at a restaurant and she's like um do you guys have nuggets i might even get on board with that. I might go, all right. Very different. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's time. But here's another one. I also don't really love it when a waiter drops a glass and someone starts clapping.

Right, that's fucked up. And I think man or woman, that would bother me. A woman clapping for that, I don't support but a man's clapping you're into a man clapping for that i go get yours brother especially if it's the friend of a husband's brother what do you think of this scenario michelle waiter drops a glass right then somebody else drops a glass on purpose just to have their back and been like happens all of us right then the whole restaurant starts dropping glasses in solidarity with the waiter so that effectively their manager would have to fire the entire

restaurant good luck with that right i mean now you could bring up that the customers in the restaurant don't work there so you couldn't fire them and that would be impossible but you definitely can't fire all of them it's true would you i guess the question is the question is the question is do you drop your glass yeah do you drop your glass i would not drop my glass i don't think holy shit wow you're strong why would we do that well because especially if there's like a tasty beverage in there i'm not gonna drop my glass okay okay drink favorite drink go well right now i'm in austin so i'm like wanting a margarite wanting a margarita margaritaville here we come and we go in salt or yeah i'm a sugar definitely not sugar yeah that's weird that's weird

wow did you see how fast fucking kevin backed off that shit yeah that's yeah sugar that's weird who would do that he's fucking kicking his sugar bag further doth protest too much i've never seen a i've never seen a more obvious sugar margarita drinker in my life than chef kevin so what was the other scenario ben about the guy who did the big bow now we can hear that question okay you accidentally selected lift ride share so you're in a lift going to the big game you're going to you're straight from the airport kevin did you write all of these yeah maybe kevin should be the host. Why isn't Kevin the host? That was my favorite one on here. Okay. Kevin. Well, you know, let's try it. Okay. Kevin can just read his own icebreaker. He's been feeding you this entire content.

Okay. Yeah. You want to go straight to the source? I mean, I thought I added a little bit of color onto it. No, you did. Your bit of was riveting i'm so sorry well there's a question in between here you're taking a lift to big game and lift driver says what do you do and now you're feeling adventurous and you don't want to say musician what do you say oh wow. I'm like a really bad liar. I don't know what I would say. Now, Kevin, can you give us a, what would you do as the Lyft driver one more time? What do you do?

So that's the guy who's asking you. How could I lie to that guy? Yeah. He sounds so earnest. earnest yeah it's tough but does musician lead to a bunch of follow-ups that you don't want to answer i'm gonna add some caveats this guy's got like a guitar in his passenger seat yeah yeah and like a lot of music shit and like clearly is hoping you're a musician and probably knows you are maybe he's got a music note tattooed across his hand yeah and on his neck i'd be like i'm in marketing okay well you had

said plumber so that's an interesting choice i will say that let's pick at that i yeah i feel like my that facade would like break Yeah, after a couple of questions. The plumber can't answer a follow-up? Like, if you were like, oh, what is... Like, if you asked me any... Like, I don't know what a follow-up question to that would... Right, I don't know that you would get a lot. Like, I mean, it would probably be general,

like, what are your most common calls or something? Because I don't think they would get super technical where they'd be like, oh, plumber, huh? Do you mind if I get a look at your crescent wrench? Yeah. But you might get some sick freak who's into like scatological stuff and they perk right up and they're like, oh, tell me some horror stories. And then it's like, oh, no. But you could like riff on that so easily.

So I think that like. What's the nastiest thing you ever found? Let's do it. So this guy's like a, this guy, you say plumber, this guy goes, Ooh, tell me like,

what's the nasty shit you've seen in there? He goes, Ooh, my favorite. So you say you go to all, you run into a lot of clogged sinks. What's the most fucked up thing that's ever clogged a sink. And you're kind of jarred.

Cause this guy just dropped fucked up on you and like you're in a lift. And it seems like it's kind of unprofessional, but you're ready to roll. Maybe you've had a couple margaritas and you're feeling good. A couple sugary margaritas. Ben is getting more comfortable.

He's really loosening up here. I feel like he's hitting his stride. I have to... Oh my God. Ben is taking over the show, which is all I ever wanted is just to kind of fade into the background. So tell us some of these nasty clogs. You know, you have your like standard hair, children's toys. But yeah, you know, anything alive.

Yeah. Like a live tapeworm. About this big. Yeah, those things are nasty. I had one of those. This is about one foot. Yeah, wriggling around. Only that big? Boy, lucky guy.

Usually mine are way longer. I throw Drano in my sink. That thing just drinks the Drano. Doesn't do anything. Yep, that's my life as a plumber. You never know. That's really good. Yeah, that sold me.

And then I'm shutting up the rest of the ride. Well, I shut up. I actually start texting my friends and I go, hey, I'm riding with this really cool plumber who's definitely real. I'm like holding my phone. I'm like keeping my friends and I go, hey, I'm riding with this really cool plumber who's definitely real. I'm like holding my phone.

I'm like keeping my phone screen away from you. I just met a real plumber. I'm in the car with her. She said that she saw a tapeworm only half the size of mine clocking up a drain. Now, this is where you get into trouble because you know what the move is. That guy's buddy starts feeding him plumber specifics. Mm-hmm. And then he starts spitting out all this complicated plumber mumbo jumbo.

And then you're- And he'd be like, what brand is your- Yeah. Plumber wrench. Uh-huh. Then he is like, let me see your crescent wrench or whatever. Yeah, but I'm not bringing my crescent wrench on the plane i'm going on vacation great answer smart great answer i don't think i could tell you a brand of a crescent wrench though well that is usually how we end the show

is we just get two two three she did it she landed it the pressure was on and she can't just came out craftsman okay that's awesome so your portion is done obviously it'd be great if you could stick around and go through a quick checklist of just things that we can grade ben on in terms of voice what do we think? Did it feel real? I think that Ben has a nice voice. I think that Ben's face looks a little bit too nice and put together for this occupation. Okay. Okay, I'll take that.

A face not for radio. He has like an actor's face. Wow. Wow. So you kind of expect him to be a little dumb. Yep. Okay. Yeah, a lot of people do expect me

to be dumb as fuck. So I feel like your faith in him as a podcast host is lower. But I feel like he was like getting, finding his stride towards the end there. So through like the transitive property or whatever i guess we can assume that i have what what you believe to be a broadcaster's face all right well this is the last episode of the show bye this week on the Patreon,

Carl and Hassan discuss commercial jingles. The boys catch up with producer Josh Richman and the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Check out these bonus podcasts and videos of the full episodes at patreon.com slash the flagrant ones. That was a HeadGum Podcast.