Hollywood Handbook - Mike And Dave, Our Wedding Dates Not Needers

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

Sean and Hayes invite MIKE HANFORD and DAVE FERGUSON from the Birthday Boys on the show but they have been busy so they're not sure what they're going to do yet. Listen to Mike's show "Questions for Lennon" on Howl.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, it's late, you know, we're a couple pills in. We've just been dropping pills. It's me, it's Kirby Puckett, and it's Donatello from Ninja Turtles. And we're building this platform bed with drawers with

storage, built in storage. And Donatello turns to me and he takes another pill and he goes, we're taking these pills that are like magic. The Morpheus pill, you're not, it's

just one. You just take one. You're not supposed to keep taking them. You can't go. Well, what we're getting is this hologram effect. You can't understand the matrix again. What we're getting is this hologram effect where the matrix appears, like flickers in and out. We can see both. Because we're getting is this hologram effect where the matrix appears like flickers in and out. No, I know.

We can see both because we're taking one then the other then the other. Oh, as long as you're alternating, that's great. I thought you meant you were taking

two red pills in a row. So you understand the matrix and then it's like now you really understand. But anyway, Donatello turns to me and he's very scared and he says,

where's Kirby? And we hear Kirby, Puckett of the Minnesota Twins. Help! You built me into the bed! Yeah. And we sort of have built these drawers around him. Yeah. And done a very good job of sealing it up.

And we don't really know how to get him out and we're both pretty scared. And he dips big time. And so the thing is probably filling up with chaw juice. Yes, he ate a lot of the chaw juice, but some of it he just couldn't fit down his gullet and it is starting to, a lot of people don't know this, but inside a platform bed, it's very moist, and it's a great environment to sort of breed more chaw juice, and that's able to multiply.

So he's getting surrounded and thinks he's going to die, and Donatello has this brainstorm, or I think it was my idea, and is able to flick one of the pills in under the mattress. And when Kirby takes it, he realizes there is no platform bed. Right. And he punched it out. Yeah, and he punched it out because he was just surrounded by wires and numbers. I notice you have switched to Kodiak long cut. Yeah, well, the short cut was no longer cutting it for me.

I used to think more teeny pieces were going to give me a richer buzz. Yes, yes, yes. And a more authentic terbacchi experience. I don't like how they would go. The little short ones will sometimes go inside my lip. And what I find is I'm finding those things for weeks. Yes. That I'm waking up in the middle of the night what is that and it's crawled somewhere up inside my sinuses um which it's

a killer buzz it lights me up puts me on the fucking moon i'm on planet mars just you know on a freaking jet ski just gunning it but that's not always what i want at five in the morning when i've got to wake up really early the next day to pick up my kids from school because i left them there the night before so uh it's a it's a mixed bag but the long cut has been better for me i like to floss it like a piece of spaghetti like put it in my nose and then out my mouth and i I sort of pull it. Yeah, floss it like you would do with spaghetti. Yeah, you know how you floss spaghetti inside your nose and mouth, and you sort of are pulling it back and forth? Well, I'm doing that with the long-cut terbacchi,

and it's not only a hit at parties, it's a hit for me personally. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook Inside. Kick a butt, dropping names. This is the Red Carpet Linebacker College Industry. We call showbiz. We call showbiz. What up, what up? Ah, wow. What a fucking corker we got for you listeners today. And you've been waiting and it's almost over the way. And we're almost about to introduce our guests.

And Hayes just had one more thing he wanted to talk about that was going to take a while before we address these guests and they don't mind no i can do it um i can do it another episode oh okay then we'll just introduce them it's uh two guys they're uh dave and mike. They don't need wedding dates, but they do need your ears for laughing at their jokes. Well, thank you. Hey! It's nice of you to say. Yeah, that was a great intro. Just a general Dave and Mike here. Yep.

Yeah, no last names required, no last names wanted. Is that Dave? Is that Mike? Who's talking? Who gives a shit, you know? The voices sound the same, they're about the same height. Heights don't really come through on the shit, you know? The voices sound the same. They're about the same height. Heights don't really come through on the podcast, do they? We've had some. Can a listener tell who's tall?

We've had complaints. Too tall sometimes. Brad Garrett's so quiet. Right. So far from the mic. Yeah, it's actually a reverse compensation. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

So really, the louder you are, the smaller you are, which you would think would be the opposite. Right, the opposite, exactly. What's the shortest guest you've had? For me, probably Polly Pocket. We had her in here. Huge voice. Yeah, she shrieks, and she actually is able to get near the bike

because she'll crawl right into your shirt pocket. Yeah. And she will really do some tricks up there. Yeah. That was a good episode. She goes to work. Wrenches that nipple. Yeah.

But then it is popping out so hard that she has to be ready to like. I didn't know what happened to me could happen to me from the part of the body that she was doing what she was doing to. But it can and it did. Wow. So Polly. I'm going to turn it up here. I got to turn it up. Back anytime. Crank it up.

Now that's too loud. That's all in your ear so we won't hear the difference. Crank it up, hand man. Turn it up for what? For the man. Turn it up for what? For the show. Turn it up for me. Oh, wait. We weren't.

Turn it up for the show. Hand man. We weren't going to use last names, but that's my hand man. And it was, you guys were on almost 100 episodes to go. I couldn't believe it. I got syndication, baby. When you told us in the green room, I couldn't believe it. Yeah.

And I just think about everything that's happened since and all this stuff. The ways that life has changed and you guys are both huge now. Two Avengers movies have come and gone. Yeah. Thor, we knew and gone. Yeah. Yeah. Thor, we knew and forgot. Right.

Spider-Man has changed. Spider-Man. Two new Spider-Mans since, yeah. Spider-Man. Right. And then in Mike and I's career,

personally, the number of movies we've seen and the number of shows we've watched. That has decreased for me. That's true. You've seen fewer movies since 100 episodes ago.

Than you had seen 100 episodes ago? Year to year, I'd say. Which ones did you not see anymore? Not so much that we watched a bunch in Rewind. Oh, wow. That's how you unwatch it. Which you have to pay. If you go down to Arclight Cinema Dome,

I'm sure your listeners know. So you saw a movie about a dead shark named Jaws who came back to life. Very inspiring story. Oh, yeah. That's like when you play a country song backwards. Yeah. Do you guys know about that? No, what's that?

Oh, it's actually a pretty good experience. You get your dog back. You get your wife back. You get your house back. The old saying. Now, that's an old America's Funniest People joke. It's you get your dog back, you get your wife back, you get your house back. Now that's an old America's Funniest People joke. I remember Dave Coulier throwing to that. Hey, Mike.

Fuck you, man. Did we have a problem with that phrasing last time I was on the show? He is trying to be nice. Is he? Because I said Spider-Mans and he was like, Spider-Man. Right. Spider-Man. He's saying it's America's Funniest People. he was like, Spider-Man. Right. Spider-Man. He's saying it's America's funniest people.

It's like, why not something that the funniest people said? And then he asked me what the rest of the joke was, and then he told me what the joke is from. So is that being nice? You tell me. Dave, you know him better than I do. I mean, I've known him for years. He's a details man.

I don't think he meant any of them. Yeah. He's described in details. I get very detail-oriented. Same time, same time. known him for years he's a details man i don't think he meant any magazine higher yeah he's i get very detail same time same time hey guys so we didn't really know what to do with you on the episode that's nice we didn't discuss it sure that's always nice let's do figure it out on there john has been underwater i've been pretty busy so um we usually have a phone call during the week that um we talk about like what we're gonna do with the guest or something but hayes uh didn't answer his phone and his voicemail box is always full

yeah no worries let's workshop it so he sent me an email i'll call myself and say note to self. On my way here this morning, he sent me an email saying what we might do and I'm just going to read it. It wasn't on your way here. When did you get here? Like three hours ago? Yes. I've just been circling the lot

looking for parking. You were taking an Uber too, which is, that's got to rack up. Yeah, but for me it's worth it. The conversation you don't want to get out of. You don't want to attend. When you get free phone charging.

Yeah, that's worth a lot. For you at home, your dad charges you a lot at home. Well, and he doesn't, I have a very limited access to plugs. You know, the way that a lot of fires start is through extension cords. So I'm not allowed to have an extension cord that runs into the basement and there are no native outlets down there.

Yep. And so I do have to sort of be up on this top step with my arm out the door. Yeah. Because if you let it – You just have to see me and stomp on it. Because if you let it go, it's your dad's. Yes, if I do let it go, and also if he sees that I've got my arm out reaching towards the plug, he will come stomp on my arm. Does he ever rule at the house that if it's on the floor, it's mine?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he says if it's on the floor, it's not yours. Right. Because it's a little closer. Better rhyme. We have the same, yeah, thing growing up. Anything down, it's dad's. And it's not yours. Yeah, right. Because it's a little closer to it. Better rhyme. We have the same, yeah, thing growing up. Anything down, it's dad's.

And it gets stomped. Yeah, it's dad's stuff. And my dog hates that rule. Because the dog feels like traditionally the floor is his domain. He's so close to it. So here's the email from Hayes. Who's your dog? Oh. You don't know. so here's the email from Hayes who's your dog? oh

you don't know him I know that's just weird I've never heard who he is he's like a he's like a alright you know that Melissa Etheridge song Come to My Window?

my dog loves that song. Okay. So here's the email from Hayes. It says, birthday boys ideas. These are just some ideas. Sometimes I'll be thinking about the show. 90% of the time. I'll be on the elliptical, and I'll be like,

it's actually a really good way to think of ideas. 90% of the time, this is how we come up with what we do for the show is, hey, sends an email like this. And I say, no, no, no. Yes. And then I act like it was half my idea. So he says. Anyway, it's good. Just exercise.

I guess he must have re-listened to the first. Energize your brain. Re-listen to the first episode. And he says, here's the headline. This isn't an idea. We didn't really have any big bits in the first. Energize your brain. Re-listen to the first episode. And he says, here's the headline. This isn't an idea. We didn't really have any big bits in the first one worth referencing, I don't think. Not much. Not much.

So then he says, Hanford's there to promote. Some people did like it. Yeah. It got pretty crazy at the end, I remember. Hanford's there to promote the John Lennon podcast. Oh, that's not true. I mean, I can talk about it. I'm not there to promote the John Lennon podcast. Oh, that's not true. I mean, I can talk about it. I'm not here to promote.

I'm here to engage. That's on me. That's a misunderstanding based on you emailing and saying, hey, guys, I have a new podcast coming out. Also, that's on me. I don't want to make this. Also, how does that make me feel? Because I have nothing to promote.

That's a misunderstanding for me, too, because I thought that he has a John Lennon, but we'll read the thing. Yeah, here's the idea. Hanford's there to promote the John Lennon podcast. Questions for Lennon, I should say, is on Howl. Use promo code Lennon, you get a month free. Use Hollywood. Don't use the promo code Lennon. Okay, now I'm—okay, I was on your side.

That's the one thing that's off limits on here. You never talk about another promo code on this show. That's food out of my daughter's mouth. Now this is for Howl. And my dog's mouth. Speaking of Howl. Remember that part of the song where she sort of howls? Yeah.

Come inside, we brought the light of the moon. I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about the guests. We've got Mary Holland. I'll be home, I'm coming home. We've got Mara Ross, the Doughboy Show Up. When she said light of the moon. Beck Bennett is there. Frank Gillespie.

Mike, I'm hoping to get on there. I would love to have you, Dave. Hopefully we can do some more. Right now it's a six-episode series. It's on Howl and it's basically an advice podcast. You might want to hear the second half of this idea. Have you done six episodes before?

Oh my god, six whole episodes? Are you exhausted? We've done so many more than that. I'm refreshed. I'm ready to do more. I think it's going to be a lot of fun if we can keep going. Yeah, because you already do it every week. Try doing it every week. You'll see what a real podcast is.

It's miserable. Hanford's there to promote the John Lennon podcast. And Dave's there to promote 15 other things, which we pay way more attention to and play fake clips from and stuff. So that's the idea. You are trying to promote it. That's great. You can't do that idea now because you just basically did our promotion.

But you're trying to do it. Yeah, and you have all your good stuff. And we'd just be like, hold on, Dave, didn't you have something else? That's great. And then we sort of would be doing a joke about it. But is that too much pressure on Dave? No, I get some stuff. It's tough to come up with a clip on the spot.

Do you want to do one? Yeah. And you'll just get a taste of what that episode would have been. We're obviously not going to do that episode now. Hanford kind of ruined it because he didn't let me finish. Sure. And we'll just do one. And so Dave, actually, before we get into Mike's thing, Dave, you had a cool new thing coming out. Yeah. Well, I've been getting into the digital space.

Oh, wow. I was in traditional media. Oh, wow. A lot of people think you're settling, you know? Yeah, exactly. It worked out great. Yeah. It worked out great. And I think a lot of times people think traditional media, traditional media, that's where the money is, that's where the future is. No, I'm in the digital space. So I've been doing a lot of Facebook live streaming. That's huge. Your margins there is huge. I have a show called Chicks Talking Dudes.

Wow. Yeah. And it's hosted by? Me. Yeah. You're the chicks? Well, I mean, I have a series of hot chicks on to talk dudes. And you're one of the dudes?

No, no. I am the host. You're talking. You're a mediator. I just have the gift of gap. Yeah. Well, should we hear a clip from that? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, let's play a clip. And that's what we would have done. That would have been great. The Facebook Live thing was a good choice. It's so, like, 2016 in a big way. I'll tell you the truth. Kevin has also been asking us to do it. Kevin!

Kevin, get in here! He is always here when I don't want him here, and he's never here when I do. Kevin comes in to take pictures. The way you shouted, that reminded me of the Home Alone film. I know, I did. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you guys had seen that, but we all have seen the Home Alone movie.

I actually rewound it, so I don't know what happened. You undid it. It's about a boy who's home. It's funny because Blockbuster loves when you rewind, and then Arclight charges you extra to rewind the film. The movie. Yeah. I don't get it.

If there's less than... It's not that much extra. Yeah, no. What is it, $25? Yeah. On top of that, already $16 ticket is a bit steep. But I don't want to get into how they run their business. Or your finances.

It's not my business. I heard a rumor about them. I won't say it. About Arclight? Yes, I did. Yes, we all. Oh, the Arclight rumor that's going on. From one of the

top executives in the city. Whoa. Did you have a general with you? I had a drive-on waiting for me at the lot. Can you guys fall asleep anymore without a drive-on waiting for you at a lot? And I'll tell you what,

it depends what lot you're in. You can tell a lot about how important your meeting is. Yeah, it's true. Kevin, can we do Facebook Live, please? I usually, if they tell me to park at level 3 or below, I just turn around. Let's just do it for one second. Yeah, that's interesting, because a lot of people are

trying to see how many viewers they can accumulate, but as kind of a high-concept play. Kevin's been begging us to do Facebook Live, and we've told him that we don't want to. And so now I want to. I'm in the mood to do it very for a second. For the first time ever.

Can I confess something? I don't know what Facebook Live is. Okay. I love that about it, and now I'm back on your side. It's so great. I mean, I am so behind technology. Mike, that is so analog. Yeah, I love it.

What's so cool about Mike is he's sort of the guy who sleeps through class. Now is this John Lennon, I wonder, because he's from the past. He is. If you want to talk about John Lennon, we can talk about the format of the show. We can talk about how many episodes.

Before we get into that, I thought Dave was working on something. We would have done that every time. That would have been great. I do wonder about the clips. Well, the clips, you heard a good clip. Hold on, I just want to move my keys a bit. Is anyone hearing this? Yeah, well, if only Cody was here, he'd be freaking out.

My concern is that one was good. Are we going to do 14 more of those? It's your cast. I mean, all I can say is I got more where that came from. I would have come up with one for him.

We're going to throw you some and be like, oh, you got... I would have tossed him one. True. Or I would have gotten him halfway there. Yeah.

I would have gone like, well, you got that meatball sub shop. Right. And then he would have given me like a funny name, hopefully. Tee me up.

And then I would have been like, and aren't all the meatball subs named after different celebrities? And then he would have hopefully been able to come up with something off of that. I mean, I'm basically doing all the work. Big hopefully. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Well, and you can cut your work in half because these days the after show, the recap shows are so big. So it's, oh, you've got chicks talking dudes? And then I got the chick talk recap show. Oh, yeah. Talking chicks talking dudes. Talking chicks talking dudes. So you're doing half the work. Yeah, you're a lot of the way to a good extra show. You're a lot of the way to a good extra show. Oh, yeah. Talking chicks, talking dudes. You're doing half the work.

Yeah, you're a lot of the way to a good extra. You're a lot of the way to a good extra. Are we? Is it Facebook Live? We recap all of them. We're live? Yeah, and aren't we talking, you know, Kevin, isn't there a thing where we're talking about your sub show? You hold out your camera and you do a little smile like I'm on Facebook Live and then I'm not

on Facebook Live? Yeah, come on, Kevin. Three, two, one. This is Facebook Live? And welcome to Facebook Live and then I'm not on Facebook Live? Yeah, come on, Kevin. Three, two, one. This is Facebook Live? And welcome to Facebook Live and we're here live with two of the birthday boys, Mike and Dave, and should I do the wedding dates joke again? Yeah, yeah.

That was our biggest hit. Hi, Mark Zuckerberg. So you do know about this? Social media, social network is what I meant to say. You said you didn't know what it was. Well, when a camera's pointing at me and I hear Facebook, I'll just start talking about Mark Zuckerberg. Hello.

I'm out of the mood. And, Hayes, if you wanted to create Facebook Live, you would have created Facebook Live. Oh, that's good. The time has passed. What's that from? That's from something. Yes.

It was going to be fun. If it had been available when I was first like, let's do Facebook Live, if it had been ready to go instead of like, oh, let me get the Facebook, then that would have been really nice. That could have been really fun. Don't you think? I would have had a good time doing that, yeah, where we would have been doing Facebook Live,

and maybe our fans could have enjoyed us. But the way Kevin executed made it not worth doing. So let's just bail on the whole thing. Please stop pointing that at me. Let's just stop. Terminate it. And let's get on to the second idea that Hayes had. Okay.

So it's a wrap on the first idea. So, yeah, that's a wrap on the first idea. Sun-dried tomato. I imagine we'll come back. We can always come back. Sun-dried tomato one, and who's always come back. Sun-dried tomato one. Who's the celebrity? We love callbacks. We love callbacks.

Oh. This is what happens when I improv. Yeah. This is what happens when I freeze up. You freeze up. This is my concern about idea one. Yeah, because you're saying specifically, what's the name of a sandwich that has a meatball on it

and has a sun-dried tomato wrapping? And it's named after a celebrity, yeah. Oh, Pitbull's big if you can work Pitbull in there. That's pretty good. Wait, but I have to work him into it? It can't just be called the Pitbull? The Pitball, because the meatball. I think that's good.

Pitbull. Me not eating this? Yeah, right. Picture that with a Kodak. That's good. And it's just a sun-dried tomato wrap. Go to my meatball shop. A dry meatball.

One dry meatball and a sun-dried tomato wrap. Me eating this with a Kodak. And so you can really do almost the entire song. You know, that was, maybe we should do Idea 1. I don't want to hear anymore. Yeah. No, go ahead. It'll be good for you guys.

This one, well, let's just hear this one. This could be good for me. Because I think we wouldn't do anymore. Yeah. No, go ahead. It'll be good for you guys. This one, well, let's just hear this one. This could be good for me. Because I think we wouldn't do it. Really? No, I mean, we're going to do it, but just a taste. Right, just a taste. We heard they challenge us to a game of two-on-two basketball. So we play with them in the studio, and we commentate on how the game is going.

And here's how excited I was about that idea. Is this on? Oh, yes. This is good. It got me so excited, the idea that I brought a basketball. All right. Did you bring any sneakers? Your fingers.

Why are your fingers? What are you doing? I was hoping you had a sneaker sound effect. You know, I... My sneakers are quieter than that. I'll let you in because I listen... I listen to all the Howl casts. Shooting it?

And... Oh, that was good. Oh, hold on. I had a... Actually, I brought a whistle we can use. Oh, that's a foul on Mike Hanford. Well, this is a John Lennon thing. Oh.

Okay. Whoa. Hey. And that's probably based on one of my shots, that reaction. No, I think that was for the whistle. This is me after I take my free throw. Miss. Yeah, okay.

And then Brick City. And this is me after I just break Dave's ankles. See? Wow. You kind of threw your voice. You break your ankle and then sort of jump away.

This is a clip, a short clip from the locker room after the game when I go into the shower. Ooh. Hey. You bastard. I am so sorry. I thought I was being called upon. Sound scoop.

That's a foul. He scooped him. Wait, you have to whistle yourself first. You've got to whistle yourself because you fouled him with the sound scoop. And now you have to take two shots. First free throw. Yep, let me. Wait, he have to whistle yourself for a sound scoop. Gotta get back to that screen. And now you have to take two shots. First free throw. Wait, he gets shots? Why does it dangle? And here's my second.

Okay, no danger there. Because they know he's going to miss. He has to take the shots and he gets crickets. No mic drop for him. Wow, that was great. That's really fun. So, um, and then what else were you gonna say during the game Hayes this is kind of your baby

I'd be like here I go and through the legs haha pass it to me over here ooh nice thanks for the pass now I'm dribbling now I'm going to the hoop and I jump it up.

And alley-oop. Smash. See? Yeah. And that sound, the sound of course was the ball breaking Hayes' nose. And this is a backboard,

which I think... Oh, clank. You got a clank. That's a clank. That's like an old barrel. That's a very loose rim. That's when I'm goofing around. Yeah, if you're not trying your hardest. Well, I'm like pretending that's how I shoot. So everyone knows the picture taking

has been proceeding unabated. I think it's a video. Is this Facebook Live? He doesn't have a good sight line to his face past your microphone. No, Kevin. You can only do Facebook Live through a phone-enabled device. It creates a lot of anxiety for me, and it makes it hard for me to do the show and it makes me hard for me to live my life really because anxiety is something i'm grappling with overall so if we could be done with the pictures

or if you need one more let's say we're doing one more now right do you need one more you're all set okay well then i think we're officially done and thanks for coming in Kevin and thanks for Facebook living even though it didn't go great no no please don't do that crowd come on he's capping the lens

okay my basketball isn't working anymore did it only work when Kevin was in the room does he have that energy field I could imagine that people would be glad it's not working anymore. Did it only work when Kevin was in the room? Does he have that energy field? I could imagine that people would be glad it's not working anymore. That's a reality I can't imagine. Oh, really? You've got to get into my headspace, man.

Oh, no thank you. Whose foot am I getting at? I got you underneath. Can you imagine? My God. No, no thank you. Yeah, you don't want to be up in this. There be monsters.

Yeah, there be monsters. Yeah, there be monsters. Next thing you know, it feels like you're in the Upside Down. Did you guys celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day this year? Oh, gosh, the Upside Down, right? You're in the Upside Down. Have you seen the Stranger Things shirt? The shirt? Yes.

I was about to say yes prematurely. Have you guys seen it I've seen an image online where Will's name is upside down yeah it's that you know the listing of names right right right

I love those holy shit but I've never seen a twist on it like this because in the show he's in the upside down right and the name

oh guys whoever came up with that you should do the brava wait mike just loosen my idea for one second please you should do a beetle shirt like that it says john yeah right and lennon and asking and questions oh that's good that's good that's great we could do a t-shirt that could be. And if one of those is upside down, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that because people would have seen Stranger Things most likely. Or at least the shirt. At least the...

Yeah, they're the two hits of the summer. Save Barb. T-shirts are always a hit in the summer. Well, you know what that is. That's a mashup. Yes. And again, I always a hit in the summer. Well, you know what that is. That's a mashup. Yes. And again, I've been in the digital space. In the digital space.

Well, DJ culture, sure. You're mixing digital space, DJ culture. People love mashups. Yeah, DJ Scribble. I remember when he taught me how to crab scratch. So Hayes has a third idea. Please stop coffee. I don't remember this one.

This one says... I was peeking on the elliptical. Yeah, this is when Hayes just sort of blacks out and becomes like almost a beam of light. Since we're two pairs of white guys, which is a recurring theme on the show, can we talk about diversity for a second? I'll finish Hayes' idea.

I wish somebody would. I'll finish Hayes' idea. Since we're two pairs of white guys, we form a plan to eliminate the Doughboys. Would you guys be comfortable with that? I know one of them is friends with you. Those are, yeah. I'm not going to say which one.

We won't say which one. We're normally clear first with you guys ahead of time yeah. I'm not going to say which one. We won't say which one. We're normally clear first with you guys ahead of time. Do you think it was intentional that the one time they've actually tried to

schedule me to do Doughboys, they did it at the exact time that we've recorded Hollywood Handbook every week for the past three years. And that we've told

them we recorded it as we try to get them on the show unsuccessfully. Yes, Nick's been on and we've invited them and said if there's any Saturday at 11 you can do it.

And then they were like, can you do Saturday at 11 for Doughboys? We really want to get you on. That's, that makes, because normally they record at night. They make you the problem. Oh, I know. Because I listen. I listen to the never ending parade of clowns who guest on that show. It's okay.

Both of us have been on it. I'll jump networks. It does end sometimes. The parade ends for like a second. They take a quick break in the parade. Or there's just like a part of the parade you like. Right. A lot of the clowns can be funny.

The clowns can be great. A never ending parade of clowns of the clowns can be funny. The clowns can be great. The clowns can be funny. Oh, yeah. A never-ending parade of clowns is to a clown lover is a dream come true. Oh, yeah. Red Bastard. Do you guys know about Red Bastard? No.

Oh, he's doing incredible space work. If you want to see a show that challenges your idea of like what entertainment might be. Or clowning. Yeah, watch Stranger Things. And then, go check out Red Bastard and ask him about this shirt. BB-8 actually has that shirt.

Which is a cool confluence of... Oh, that's probably an interesting cut. Confluence of cultural iconography. Oh, that's probably an interesting cut. Confluence of cultural iconography. Uh-huh. So. What else am I going to say? Oh, yeah.

So do we want to do a plan to bring down Doughboys? Is it better to be. Here's a question for you guys. Is it better to be like constantly being dicked around about scheduling for you getting on, for like a person getting on Doughboys to be like entertained as a guest but never actually on the show or just not considered at all.

Oh yeah. Not in the conversation. Should it be like they just don't know who I am? You want to be on their radar. You want to be on their radar. That's better. You think to just be totally ignored is not as good as being abused? Which one do you have going on, Hayes?

Neither of these is me. It has to be one or the other, either ignored or out. No, because the only third option is you're a guest. That's a tough one because you do it and you're done and now you're off the radar for great reasons. Well, but you get the bump. You get the bump and you get to, that's true, you get a few Twitter bumps. Yeah. When you guys did it, what was the sort of pussy like afterwards?

Well, I mean, you must have been drowning in it. Yeah. What was that particular... Are we talking about the restaurant? Hmm? I wasn't drowning in any restaurant materials. I had a very sizable burrito. Wait, you went to a Pussy restaurant?

I went to a Chipotle restaurant. For the show. Oh. For the show. Right. Okay. Because I know Pussy restaurant is what Hayes calls the club. Right. Yeah. That's a Pussy Restaurant is what Hayes calls the club. Right.

Yeah. That's a classic. It's a hometown buffet. Pussy hometown buffet. And you go right for the dessert menu? I never understood what that meant. Yeah, I go to the chocolate fountain. He's the kind of guy who eats dessert first.

That's pretty good. I'm getting a mental picture. I'm a dirty boy today. I woke up this morning and I knew I was going to be a dirty boy. He's been being fresh. Which, honestly, I'm just happy to see him kind of wake up and just have something he's passionate about. It's definitely better than nothing.

Well, he's been morose. I mean, anyone who listens to the show knows that Hayes has barely participated for a few months now. He's kind of given up on the show and in some ways given up on himself. Yes. What happened? He's stepping right in. Yes. No.

Thank you. I don't want to use this language like what's morose and who's had not been here what happened yeah um hey fuck you and no no no because it feels like the way you've been doing things sean is tiptoeing around a problem when this person sitting next to me who i've grown to like over this podcast the last podcast we did yeah somebody attention some straight no thank you and any psychiatrist would tell you just get in there. Do you have a gun? Give me that.

What's wrong with you? You tell me is what any psychologist would say. Is it slitting time? Somebody took my bed. Oh, Hayes. Again? Mm-hmm. Oh, Hayes. Well, let-hmm. Oh, Hayes.

Well, let's break that down. Somebody took it to sleep in, or is somebody sleeping in there with you? I can only hope that it is at least being slept in somewhere. The piece of furniture is gone. This is not a metaphor. Yeah, no. He's been dealing with this. Hayes, I didn't know.

So now I have to push the bedside tables together. That's a lot of shame. And you just sit on them? You're sleeping sitting up. That's no way to get ate. He sits up and he sleeps holding a spoon. And every time he actually falls asleep, the spoon clatters on the floor. He wakes back up.

And it says that it gives him 22 usable hours in a day. And then a lot of your body's recovery actually occurs during the process of falling asleep. But sleeping itself is of no value. And I can barely hold a spoon when I'm awake. Yes. Yeah. When I'm at my freshest. Yeah.

Let alone when I'm sleepy. It just kind of glances off my hand. Well, are we going to finally talk about the rheumatism no okay you can ask me one thing about it what is it it's like it's short for bed like bedroom

and like it's what happens when like you your room is sick my bedroom is sick because there's no bed in it. Room autism. Yeah. I don't think of that as being sick. It actually makes you more capable.

I consider it differently abled. It gives you like superpower. It's like kind of a superpower. Is that the same as rheumatoid arthritis? Rheum-altoid. Thank you. Yeah, rheumatoid. It's when you try, you know, when you spill an Altoids box all over,

which is next to not impossible. Oh, yeah. It's so easy to do. No, and when you open it, they're just immediately everywhere. Yeah, it's just, you know, take a screenshot of somebody. Screenshot, snapshot. Somebody opening one, they're just immediately everywhere. Yeah, it's just, you know, take a screenshot of somebody. Screenshot, snapshot. Somebody opening one, you're going to see. Especially when your hands are like fists, like kind of half fists all the time.

Right. Oh, yeah. And good luck if you're in your girlfriend's neighbor's car. Ever get invited back into that situation again where your girlfriend's neighbor is going to give you a ride somewhere. And it's a good, clean car. Because you get all types of this car. Hey, why is it always that the neighbor has the cleanest car? Oh, dude. thank you, Mike.

Yes. Finally, we've hit something we can all talk about. Is it something in the air? No, keep going. A grass is greener thing? Or is it always your fucking neighbor's car is so clean? Well, they have the vacuum. I know.

They got the vacuum right there inside the car. Yep. And they're the only person on the block that seems not to be cognizant of the water problem. Yeah. Oh, please. Yeah. What a lush, beautiful lawn. You're referring to Zika?

Not in this instance, but other times. Generally, yeah. Generally, I usually am. Around the Olympics. Right. Hey, hey. Did. Around the Olympics. Right. Hey, hey, did anyone see the Olympics? Your thing is that Zeke is in the water? Yeah.

Yeah, that's my understanding. And at the Olympics, they were. Yeah, we heard about it almost every single commercial break. Yeah. Yeah, and only during the commercial breaks. Costas wouldn't shut up. Right. Red eye or pink eye or whatever.

Why were they doing that? Now he's got Zeke on the brain. Competing rants. I didn't understand during the Olympics when the commercials would have the picture and picture on the bottom and they just seemed to let Costas go off on whatever he wanted. Yeah. You didn't understand that?

I didn't understand why that was happening. I didn't understand. Now, I have the opposite. Sam, you rant now. Or take a second to think of a good rant. Rant, Sam. While he's thinking, by the way, to answer your question about the pussy, my wife and I's sexual relations remained unchanged before and after the podcast.

All right. Yeah, but you tell them what they were before. Frequent. Yeah. Heavy. Yeah. That's got to be great. I'm going to order a sandwich.

Does anyone want anything? This is not a rant. This is not a rant. It's polite. It's order a sandwich. Does anyone want anything? This is not a rant. This is not a rant. It's polite. It's not a rant. Well, where are you going? That's what he thinks all about. It is kind of.

And also since we were saying earlier that we did want to do some callbacks later, and why don't you say a meatball sub? And then I'll say I'll take a pitball. You know how much we love callbacks, especially to be like, that's our show. You know what I we love callbacks, especially to be like, that's our show! You know what I mean? Me not ordering that. You know.

Yes. Yeah, right. Picture that with a code. And if that, yeah, would be, thank you, Dave. Dave was miming dribbling a basketball because now would be a great time for me to bring my basketball back out, but it stopped working as soon as Kevin left the room.

Kevin! Kevin! I can't believe they left that guy and went to France. Actually, they don't get to France. They end up in Florida. Oh, he's back. He's back. Kevin, get my basketball again.

Fix it. Kevin, I'm sorry I was so nasty to you before. It's not about you. No, it's for me. What I have to do is just accept, hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable. Kevin's over my shoulder. And that's a feeling that I have, and it's okay. Instead of associating that feeling with this makes me want to hurt Kevin.

This makes me want to hurt myself. And going down through this hole, you know, rabbit hole. Here you go, Mike. I've often considered T-shirts like the one you have on. I wish we could get a picture of Kevin's T-shirt. Whoa, Mike! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I always wanted to know if I could do that fast, and I guess I can.

Whoa. I can dribble quickly. Fastly. Oh, my God, Mike, that's too many three-pointers. I should take this skill over to David Buster's. I'd win the whole ticket booth. It's not a booth, really. It's that room.

It's that nice, well-lit room. A ticket booth is like where you buy tickets. Right, right. I guess I would be buying the prize booth. The prize booth. Yeah. But it is, like I said, a prize room. Yeah. They're saying booth. They think it's a booth. Yeah. But it is, like I said, a prize room. Yeah. They're saying booth.

They think it's a booth. No, that's because Powers booth has stepped on the court. Remember him? Oh, yes, Powers booth. You know what would be a great one-on-one? Deadwood was like Shakespeare. Go ahead. John Wilkes versus Powers.

Oh, no. Versus kissing. Booth v. Booth. No. Versus Kissing. Yeah, Kissing. And no weapons. I'll take Kissing. I'll put my money on Kissing I hate to get us all in trouble, but what do you guys do during the National Anthem? Um, now or

pre-CK? What do you do? Oh, Calvin Klein. Louis CK? Same time. I will normally look up the lyrics on my phone so I can sing along. And I've got my head in my phone, and by the time I figure the thing out, by the time I get to the right site, the right free lyrics. You usually go to Genius, right?

So you can know the meaning of the words? I use Metro Lyrics. I have a Metro Lyrics. I hear you. By that time, we're already in the meaning of the words? I use Metro lyrics. I have a Metro lyric. I hear you. By that time, we're already in the first free throw, so I'm done. Yeah, me too. Do you have a thing that you like to do? Do you want to know what I have for him?

Usually when you ask a question, it's because... Because I've got this whole thing queued up and I sort of let people flail around. You're waiting. They're trying to come up with an answer but I thought of something good before. The same one of those times, buddy. I boo.

I've booed before, I've booed after, but now I just booed during. And a lot of people think it's anti-American sentiment. I'm booing all the people who are kneeling who are sitting who are turning the other direction or whatever they do now and it's my stand and if it gets misinterpreted people i got a couple ideas of what i could say i do can i do mine oh because i worry that that mine might get stepped on. But mine's not... And it's really good. Okay, because mine...

Yeah, alright. Mine's awesome. I... Like, people get mad about the way I salute the national anthem, but my heart is... is in my dick. Oh, yes. Oh.

Well, so, one of mine would be in the neighborhood of that, which is like, and I don't want to get any more specific than this, is I just go, the only thing I know about the National Anthem is a great time to squeeze one. And I wasn't going to say what I mean by that. I just go, for me, it's a great time to squeeze one. You'll say that. And the other idea is I go, I sing what I think should be the national anthem. Oh, that's good.

And then I do like whatever. Let's do that. Do you want to do that one? Yes. All right. And then do you have an idea what it should be? I mean, you could do like, I'm in the neighborhood of like a Nelly song. Oh, I thought it was going to be like to the tune of it, but with lyrics, different lyrics.

Like a Weird Al. Oh. Yeah, a Weird Al version. Oh, I was going to Weird Al it. I was thinking I like singing like Gnarls Barkley or something. No. Okay, so I'm doing so I go like alright, I'm alright.

Oh, hey over there. It's not rhyming great. Is that? Wait. It doesn't need to rhyme yet. Well, you'd want to maybe at least keep the. The first line doesn't rhyme.

But you'd want to keep the word see. Maybe pick a word that is relatable. Oh, hey over there. We're still in the zone. Is that Nick from Doughboys? I recognize him. We're still in the zone. Is that Nick from Doughboys? I recognize him. I'll go say hi.

I love that show. I mean, that's essentially what our national anthem is at this point. Yeah, yeah. You're not straining too far. It's an advertisement for a podcast. Yes. Yeah. Yes. It's Dough podcast. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Doughboys!

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