Hollywood Handbook - Mike Mitchell, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

Sean and Hayes provide a tutorial on a difficult subject they've studied. Then MIKE MITCHELL of the famous Doughboys joins the discussion to reveal whether he eats the food. This episode is sponsored by Casper Mattresses (www.casper.com/handbook code: HANDBOOK) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/first).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i am getting ready for connie chung to joust her i am getting into the elevator with all my stuff, and the jouster is too long. The lance is too long for the elevator. It's not collapsible? No. Not a telescoping jouster? Because then it would not collapse when you hit them in the chest. Believe me, I have had those collapsible jousters, and you successfully lance them it collapses and you are

suddenly you're just like going really fast towards them still yeah with your lancer getting lanced yes and but the elevator is closing because my lance is so thin. It's really a big knife. Really a long, thin lance. And so the doors successfully close, and so the elevator thinks that it is closed except my whole lance is sticking out. And so the elevator descends, crushing my lance. It's pulling the lance in and bending it in half.

Yes, between the floors, crushing it. And I show up to joust Connie Chung, and she's saying like, oh, I did that. Oh, no. She pretended that she smashed the lance? Yes, and that she did it. She said, we already jousted, and I did that. And for a second, I'm like'm like did she she was so certain assured yes and that is such a great lesson she said that's the news the power of confidence oh no she told you it was the news

and did the news camera know i don't i mean it's like it's her job to tell the news camera what is the news. And they fucking saw that as the news. Yes. And that's the news now? Oh, Hayes. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names. We're the red carpet linebacker always in this industry we call showbiz. We've been talking a lot about baths on this show.

It's a bath-based show. We take a bath before and after the show. Obviously, the Earwolf studio had to put these big tubs into the corners of the room so that Hayes and I could get in a bath when we're lacking inspiration for the show. And we splash around and we get clean and we do the show as clean boys. We are not the only audience for the show. as clean boys. We are not the only audience for the show.

There's other people who listen and they don't all have bath-sized rooms. Some of them only have a little narrow box with a spray water come down and a drain on the feet. And there's a toilet in there too. And a toilet in the same spot and they have to stand in the toilet while the water sprays on them.

And it's called something called a shower. Now, how do you do it right? We're going to teach you. Because we've talked before on the show about the experience of taking a shower and the water is blasting down on you and it's knocking you to the ground. And you're flying all over the place and your clothes are soaked. And your foot is going down the drain. And your foot's all the way in the toilet and you didn't flush.

So here's the rules. And we're going to go step by step because we get a ton of letters. The mailbox is exploding with these letters of how do I take a shower. And it seems like people are writing them in the shower. Oh, yeah. No, they're yucky letters, and they're actually – The letters are wet. The whole office smells bad because of the wetness.

So first, do all the P. Get it out. Be done with it. Don't just do a little bit don't do a little bit and save some to go later in the day so that you have an excuse to leave like a bad date or something to go like i'm sorry i just have to pee i have to go home you can say that anyway they're not going to follow you. And if they do, give them a second chance. After you do the pee, you know what comes next? Get a bucket, scoop it up, put it in the yard. If you don't have a yard, put it in the middle of the road. Park a truck above it. And you can do a show.

Like if you set up a camera, you could do a little show about birds swimming in it. Some people like that stuff. Not up to me. So now the pee's gone. The bucket's gone. Yes. Now here's what you do. You get Ryan to get it started for you.

Do not start it yourself. You get Ryan to get it started for you. Do not start it yourself. You're going to mess it up. You call engineer Ryan to get the shower to begin for you in a safe way. He'll come and he's able to make it start slowly. Yes. And I don't know if he puts some kind of governor on the pipe, but he is able to do it so that it kind of builds over time and you can get stronger with the shower. He's some sort of Aquaman where he can make it go fast or slow. He's not willing to reveal how he does this. We're going to give you a minute breakdown right now.

Get out your pen, Scoop Troop, and it's hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, hot, warm, Get out your pen, Scoop Troop, and it's hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, hot, warm, hot, cold, cold, cold, warm, hot, warm, cold, hot, hot, hot, cold, cold. And then you turn it off, turn it back on. Obviously, you have to get Ryan to do that part. And then you're going to want to get out of that. Obviously, you're in like a Burberry trench coat. Get out of the trench coat, and now it's time to really get your body wet. I don't know if I mentioned this at the top.

You're holding a shotgun. You have a gun with you, Mossberg single pump, 560 military-style shotgun, pump, 560 military-style shotgun, tactical shotgun, as short of a barrel as your state will allow. Because, of course, when you're in the shower, you are at your most vulnerable. Yes. And you're in a tight, enclosed area. And so a little spread isn't going to be an issue. Forget it. You are going to want to shoot the shower.

Please shoot the shower. When you're ready to really get clean, you're going to need to shoot the shower. If you're just taking a shower and it's just trickling out the way Engineer Ryan makes it come out so slow, you're never going to get clean. So that's why you have the shotgun to protect from varmints and also to actually operate the shower and open it up yes there you're gonna find some shampoo in the shower shoot the ship shoot it get your head right next to it so what it should look like is your head's kind of resting

against the bottle and then the gun comes up just in front of your head pull the trigger and you're gonna blast the bottle open and that should get enough shampoo on your hair that you are ready to wash that is the way we are against shampoo in general but like if it gets on, if you can say it was an accident like that, like a hunting accident with the shampoo, then it is okay. And we're not saying to do this every single day. No. Use the shampoo once. Once.

Ever. That's it. So choose wisely. Because I already have used mine. And I can't do it again my mom did it to me she did not let me choose yeah and that's the kind of household he grew up in and now that it's done for me and I'm kind of stuck it can really be a problem you are kind of stuck you're kind of stuck to your hair oh yeah it's a way like people are like no everyone's of stuck to your hair. Oh yeah. It's a way like people are like, no,

everyone's like stuck to their hair, but like in your case, it is like really like that. Yeah. And it's, and you know, people, a lot of people ask me, why don't you ever wear a cowboy hat? Well, the answer is, cause then I'd always wear a cowboy hat. You can't get it cut and it can't grow. Yeah. So in that way, that's okay, I guess. You know, but anyway, this is why it's so important to me that people do learn to shower correctly. So please shoot the shampoo. Please do shoot the soap. and ideally you're going to put it about solar plexus level and maybe hold it in your hand

and then almost like you're jerking off the shotgun, start stroking the soap down the barrel, and then when it gets right to the top, that's when you blast. And the soap should spray up, down over your body, and you really got to rinse really fast. Against the wall. Because the police are probably coming.

Rub yourself against the wall to get the soap rubbed in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're going to want to roll around on the wall, roll around on the floor, and maybe dunk your head in a toilet a couple times. So that's how to do the shower. We have a good guest. Yeah, sure.

Mitch on Hollywood Handbook. Okay. Hollywood Handbook. So it's me. It's Brian. Ferry. It's Rosalind Russell. And we're having sex with this Givenchy purse.

One of these designer purses. One of these names where it doesn't sound like it looks. Givenchy or Givenchy or Gushy or Snooshney or the Snoopy dog. I mean, these things, these names are insane to me. No, you are being fair. From France or something. Yes. The names are crazy.

Yes. These are not American names. I'm sorry. You know, I don't want to get sued, but that's what it looks like from my vantage point. And how distracting for you as you're trying to. Trying to have sex with the purse with Brian, you know, Brian Ferry. Yeah.

And bri with a Y ends with a Y. Yeah. Bri with an I starts with an E. So that's how I remember there too. Bri with an I starts with an E. So that's how I remember there too. So anyway, so Ferry and Rosalyn and Brian Ferry says, I think there's a bunch of gushers in this purse.

Yeah. And Rosalyn goes, I don't. Not anymore. Yeah. And I am terrified to learn what either of them means. Yeah. So, you know, I tighten my blindfold and just sort of shove the earplugs even further in and wound up hurting myself pretty badly. Okay.

See, when I go to those little events, I pretend, cause we're all blindfolded. I am usually pretending to like be getting in there. I'm like making the noises and all that. That's a really nice purse. Based on the stuff that they're saying, I don't want to know. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. What's going on in there.

maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, what's going on in there, but I find that as far as networking goes, I'm getting as much approval from them as if I were actually in there. Makes me wonder if they are actually pretending. Well, I do wonder if everyone's sort of pretending. I know that I'm not, but there's a lot of, obviously, germaphobes in Hollywood. I am a germaholic. I must have more germs. Anytime somebody tries to make me put gloves on or something, I go, no, and I just shove my hands in whatever it is that, you know.

And you are getting, you get very irritable. If I don't have enough germs. Yes. Well, yes, because my whole thing is I don't want anyone else to be able to get me sick. I need to be so sick that only I can get you sick. Yes, that you cannot get sick because you are so sick. Because I am the mighty germ lord, and you are. Very sad and unfortunate for you, and I am willing to say this,

even though I know you don't like to complain, but your germ tolerance is so high that it's very hard. You are having to discover new germs, new bigger germs to make you sick at this point. It's true, and I have been dumping a lot of my dough into space germs and seeing what's out there, because if I can get a germ off an asteroid or something that maybe doesn't know about these germs that I have

and maybe could trick them somehow because the ones I have are getting pretty cunning. Yeah. You're looking for a Sean-resistant microbe or something. It's all anti-Sean medication to me. I'm just trying to get out of my own way. Hi! Welcome to Hollywood Handbook,

an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We got a corker. We do these other shows. We do fucking favors for people. We will participate in this world, this podcast world, to see how other people are doing it. And sometimes we bring some of that back here.

We did the Doughboys show, and we have the one – Mitch is here. He's doing our show now. I'll say about Doughboys, of all the shows that i completely do not understand that one's probably my favorite it is like i don't know out of all the ones great it's great people like it is great i love that's awesome i love it we need more stuff i love that people are excited about this yes because it's so negative now on the internet. Bird flu. Everybody's so upset about SARS and all this.

And so for people to rally around the Doughboys podcast, which I do not get, is just nice. It reminds me of families gathering around the hearth in olden time and warming their boots. What is the – why do people like – what's going on? What is this? Well, thank you for having me, my friend. Yeah, okay. You know, I don't really understand the show either.

It's complicated for starters. It's complicated. I'm happy to be on a show that I do understand. The rules of the show are, yes. Yeah, yes. What we're doing here is very simple, very straightforward. What you guys do, there are so many rules. There are a lot of rules.

I think it's designed, it's like people want to be like, oh, I get this because they want to seem smart. Yeah, no, it's definitely, it's a people want to be like, oh, I get this because they want to seem smart. Yeah, no, it's definitely, it's a hoity-toity type of podcast. It's like Pinchon. Yes. It's a lot like Pinchon. It's a lot like Pinchon, yes. Where people go, oh, I know Pinchon.

Like, I get it. You know, the crazy accent he does. He's balky. Do you really know him? But then you see the Langoliers and you're like, do I really know Pinchon? And you don't. Yeah.

Doughboys is like that. That's my favorite. Pinchon is the Langoliers. Is the Langoliers? Yeah. That, for me, as a child, I didn't like Balki. I didn't think he was funny or had a funny voice. But then when I saw Pinchon and Langoliers, that's when I finally became a big fan of his.

Let me ask you this, and this is not a gotcha thing. This is just me asking questions. Just a question. Do you eat the food? No. Okay. I've never eaten. Okay.

So this is what we say on our show. This is what we talked about on our show and weren't sure if it was okay, is that you told us, when we went to do the show, you're like, we don't eat the food. We just talk. We watch videos of other people eating it, and then we talk like they talk. And the only thing that I eat from this show is milf pussy. That's what you said.

That is the truth, yes. Yeah. Specifically, Stifler, the original. Yeah. Specifically Stifler, the original MILF pussy, Stifler's mom. Jennifer Coolidge. Yeah. If you want to get very specific about it, it's Jennifer Coolidge's pussy

that I'm eating. Coolidge Cooley. The little Coolidge Cooley. It's actually warmer than you'd think with a name like Coolidge. Anyway, yeah, no, it's MILF pussy. Nick Weiger, Nick Nicholas, he approached me about doing this podcast. I said, I don't want to eat that stuff.

Yeah. I don't want to eat any of it. Nick on Twitter too much? Nick maybe has never been off Twitter. I've never – Boy, that's sad. I feel like he's – Is he trying to get you to do it more?

Yeah. I'll get a text from him and say, I haven't seen many tweets lately. Yeah. And so I'll get on and I'll try to tweet something out. He's on you. And then when you get on to tweet, what do you say? So he wants you to get on there and talk about Milo Yiannopoulos and stuff. Is that the – yes.

Oh, yes, yes. No, he pushes every belief that he has onto me. His liberal agenda. His liberal agenda, I think. I think it used to be a liberal agenda. Yeah, it's morphed a little bit, and it's not really clear where his feet are because I think there's a backlash to the backlash going on where he's gone all the way the other direction. Yes. I mean, I don't want to talk about Nick the whole time, but most of the podcast will

be us talking about Nick. Yes. Oh, I could do that for a full hour. You know, Milo, when you first said Milo, in my head I thought about the Greek freak. Oh, when I said Milo Yiannopoulos, you thought I was talking about Giannis Antetokounmpo? Yes. Okay. Is that slightly racist? Well, people have called some of your sports fandom into question. Yeah, it's recently been a topic. You just know a set of very few names like

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. Wait, is this true? I think you have proved them wrong by me saying the name of a white hate speech artist making you think of a basketball player for the Milwaukee

Bucks. It shows that you have sort of heard other names. It shows that I maybe don't have sort of heard other names. Oh, yeah. It shows that I maybe don't know much of anything, apparently. You know, someone told me about that. I had heard that, that someone said that I was a fair weather fan or something. You're a fake gamer girl. I'm a fake gamer girl is what I was getting. And it's funny because like, do they

want me to say, like, do I have to say like people on the offensive line's name to prove that I'm a fan or something like that? Could you? Yeah, well, let's just do it. Yeah. Marcus Cannon. Dante Hightower. Okay, so that's good. Now that's a

specific person that someone was saying Mitch hasn't talked about, is not going to talk about, Dante Hightower. Was I supposed to be like, he forced a fumble. Wow. He forced a fumble that changed the game. What am I supposed to say that last year Marcus Cannon did such a bad job and I wanted him to be off the team.

And then this year he's playing like an all-pro. And he's playing like an all pro. And he's playing like an all pro this year. Or that Shaq Mason was almost the Marcus Cannon of this year. Is that enough for you people to get off my back? For someone who's so anti-eating, Mitch, you certainly are making a lot of your fans eat shit. Yeah. It's interesting that you won't eat the shitty food you talk about,

but you want them to actually eat shit. But you will force your fans to eat some shit right here on the podcast. And you're dumping right in their mouth. I mean, a part of me, you know, Nick has all these political beliefs, and one of them is population control. Yes. And so I've heard about the, he is sort of talking about this before and after every podcast record.

A test. Yes. That you genetically. Yes, a living test. Yes, you have to be genetically superior and I guess more like him or whatever in order to procreate. Yeah, no, it's very much. And his way, he said that we could kill a lot of people off by doing this podcast and pushing this awful fast food and this unhealthy diet on people and that they'll eventually pass away from clogged arteries. So he's trying to make it sound more appealing to eat some of this, let's face it, very shitty food.

Very shitty bad food, yeah. And he wants them to be hurt and die from that. That's right. And that's what Nick likes. His big one is like the clogged arteries, heart attack, cancer. But his big one is he thinks that a lot of people will get into accidents just going to get the food. In the drive-thru. And laughing so hard and listening to him. Oh, yes.

I've heard him talk about this. People will be listening to me in their cars, and they'll be laughing so hard. Yeah, he pulled me aside. He went, you ever wonder why I'm so funny on there? And I was like, oh, I didn't even know. Like, that's what you were doing. He's like, have you ever wondered why I'm, like, so fucking funny the whole time during the show? And I was like, uh. He's like, why could that be?

Let's think about that. Why could it be that I'm being so funny on there? Yeah, and I was like, oh, maybe you just, like, want to have fun with your friends. Like, that's kind of what we like to do and he was like and guess again you know and i was like oh uh and maybe you're insecure or yeah yeah or you're trying to get validation or yeah maybe it's to advance your career and he was like no man because i want to see these fucking chumps burn up in a wreck. So it's timed specifically. I don't know if he's taught you this too,

but he thinks that people will be eating the food. He'll be like, okay, let's all take a bite of food now. And then he'll just rip out a joke that will seal up their throat from laughter. Well, and if you'll notice, he won't be funny at all for the first like 20, 25 minutes, sometimes an hour of the show. He really commits to not being funny. And then what will happen is he'll suddenly bust out something he thinks is very funny. And I think it's timed so that like the people are comfortably in their commute, sort of lulled into, you know into a bit of a hypnotic trance.

And then all of a sudden here comes a joke and maybe it makes them punch the gas or swerve off into the shoulder. He has said to me before, and I should have kind of been clued into this, but he said want to roger rabbit i want to roger rabbit them to death yeah i said what did you mean by that yeah and he said you know the weasels yeah it's like oh and that's how he sees people that's because he thinks that he can make them laugh so much that their souls will leave their body because weiger does like exclusively movies for children uh-huh uh ed he believes believes that this is on the life test. He believes that if you enjoy movies for adults, then you don't deserve to share the world with him. I asked him, I said, what is the last non-animated feature that you've seen?

And he stood there, and he was thinking deep in thought. And I actually walked away. I never got an answer. You had to go home. I had to go home yeah yeah um yeah i mean we've talked obviously uh star wars is for babies um and that's nick's favorite thing is like stuff for babies uh and i have heard um you know he'll often talk about his lovely wife but she's frustrated because he sleeps with a star wars mobile that i guess has a lot of lights on it above his bed. And it's getting hard for her to get enough sleep to get to work because it also makes like pew, pew noises.

Pew sounds. Yes, I know. I heard that. I've heard that too. I thought it was a rumor, but now I think it is the truth. Yeah. No, he's right. Why would she lie about that?

Yeah, she wouldn't. She wouldn't. We're on a duck pin bowling league, she and I, and we'll send the pins sailing and chew the fat a little bit. And they go, they can talk there because they can't record, because he will tap her, like bug her body basically. She never knows where the mic is. Her recording device is on her body, but in a bowling alley, it's drowned out by the ambient sound of the duck pens.

He's obsessed. I say, why are you so obsessed with child stuff? Why do you want to be a kid? And he just says, I don't remember that part of my life. Yeah, never had a childhood. Yeah, and I'm saying to you, I'm like, no one really remembers being a baby is what I try to tell them. Yeah.

No one actually really remembers that time of their life. He won't accept that. He won't accept it. No, I'm going to. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to recapture it somehow. So he's trying to somehow jog that memory back by putting himself in a lot of baby situations. That's right, yes.

Yeah. He doesn't wear diapers, right? I mean, let's, come on. He doesn't wear diapers all right i mean let's come on he doesn't do that sort of thing no he's not not he wears one diaper yes i'm sorry one at a time yeah he doesn't wear like multiple diapers there's one at a time a big cloth obviously if you know you guys will record for almost two hours sometimes he'll go through three or four of them but never multiple on at once you You guys have been in the studio. I don't have to even say.

I mean, you see what you see. Yeah. But for people, yeah, I think it's good for people at home. For a listener. Oh, that's right. Yeah, for them to know, dirty-dighty, Nicky got a changey. And that's sort of the signal that will come through your headphones. So that's what that means when you hear that on the show.

We've tried to edit some of them out, but when it's happening a lot in an episode. And sometimes he's doing it over something really good that you're saying. I think intentionally to try and get that cut out, he'll be like, oh, we have to cut that because I did the changey thing. We have to cut out that riff that you were doing. Yes, or I'm saying something intelligent or something like that. He tends to time it with a lot of the groundbreaking observations that you make about our society, about science and culture.

And I know I always leave having been educated, and sometimes when I listen to the actual show, that's lacking. Yeah, thank you. And he somehow is able to gut these very convincing arguments you'll make for. Yeah, because he can't be making it dirty that much. No, because he doesn't even eat enough. Yeah. I mean, let's talk about what you do eat.

Milk pussy, obviously, but also you'll always have i mean you've got with you right now a big thermos of just uh wheat grass yeah and pure wheat grass yeah and you're i guess shoveling that in your face and trying to become more like a plant talk about why that is so good. Becoming a – I mean, like, listen, I think that we're one with the earth. We go back to the earth when we're done with this world. I'm a pebble. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean – I'm a pebble. In the long line of things, yeah, you are a pebble. Pebble in the riverbed. River erodes. It becomes a soil. Soil becomes a plant. Plant put the oxygen.

I'm breathing that. Okay, I'm a pebble. I'm a stick. He's a stick right now. I mean, honestly, you guys said it, but then I think that a pebble and a stick are at a higher level than a human being. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. They're more honorable.

In a lot of ways. In a lot of ways. And in actually every way, that is true. They're more honorable. Yeah. They have a lot more honor. They're honest. They're honest.

They're never going to. They're straight up. Yeah. They're not going to let you down. They won't let you down. You can trust a pebble to be a pebble. That's true. And you know what?

You know what else I can say about a pebble? A pebble is going to be here a lot longer after you are. Oh, yeah, even though I am one. I mean, yes, in that way. I mean, I could say the same thing about water or moss. Moss, hey, moss is going to be here a lot longer than you are. Yeah, a lot longer than you are. Yeah.

Water, same with water. Maybe not. Maybe water runs out first. And Randy Moss is someone you know. Randy Moss is a Patriot receiver. And now that's a little more shit for the people at home to eat. If you think about Moss, yeah. He's actively on the roster now, yeah.

If you think about Gaia or Mother Earth, If you think about Gaia or Mother Earth, you don't think about how, during a Patriots game, how they're using the earth. No, you don't. It's a huge aspect of the game is the ground and dirt. It's MVP. Julian Edelman will talk a lot about Huna. The sort of Hawaiian philosophy capturing that

Aloha spirit. He'll talk about that from underneath his big mystical beard. Now, Kevin, sit down for this. You should actually hear this. Don't take pictures right now. This isn't something we take pictures of. This is something that we learn about.

I feel cheated that Jonah Ray never taught me of Huna. Oh, Jonah didn't talk to you about Huna? He never taught me about Huna. I believe it was actually a white scientist who went to Hawaii and then kind of came up with a Hawaiian word for the philosophy that he invented, and now it's attributed to the Hawaiian people. But it really has that aloha spirit. And the ocean's saying hello and goodbye all at once, isn't it? And I love you.

And here, have some salt. I don't mean to get mad at the Hawaiian people. They answer the question that he was saying. Isn't it? It's, you know, I don't, and I love you. Yeah. And here you have some salt. I don't, I don't mean to get mad at the Hawaiian people. The answer to the question that he was saying, isn't it doing that? Oh yeah. I'm sorry. Yes.

Yes. Of course. I'm sorry. I thought that was a given. I apologize. That's okay. I just want to, because people will think we cut that out.

Oh no, no, no. When he asked you to do it. The answer is yes. Yes. Okay. There's no,

I know that you guys have, there's no cuts in this podcast, which I appreciate, which ours is, as you know, is heavily, heavily edited. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You don't want to get mad at the Hawaiian people. Oh, yes. I'm sorry. But I don't agree with aloha being hello. I think you should have two words. Yeah. Well, and did Joan O'Reilly teach you about that at all? I could see how that would be confusing if the guy is saying aloha.

Someone's coming up to you and saying aloha, and you're like, okay, we just got here. Yeah, I feel like you would be insulted by that. You just showed up. Yeah, fuck you, buddy. I mean, I guess there's a lot of things Jonah did not teach me about. Why is everyone hiding America from Jonah? You know what I mean? Seems like a lot of it should be available and able to be seen.

I know I'm proud of my little corner of America. Listen, I wrote – El Segundo. I wrote on Hidden America for two seasons, and I agree with you. I was saying the same thing. Why does it have to be hidden? Why is it hiding? Yeah, I agree.

And if they're hiding it, is it because it's such an ugly part of America? Mm-hmm. And do we really even want to expose that? I don't think so. Yeah. And maybe Jonah's doing a disservice to the American people. I think so, too. If CISO is listening, the CISO honchos should probably shut it down.

Maybe we don't need to see so much of America. Maybe we could just look at the parts that we like already. Mitch, have you ever been curious to actually try spaghetti? And we thought we could do a real Doughboys and eat a little spaghetti on the show. And Hayes made spaghetti from scratch. Yes. And it's good. And Kevin's going to get to see some of this spaghetti.

He's never seen it either. Kevin will try it first. Kevin's going to eat it. So you know it's real spaghetti. And actually, you have some sauce for that too. Am I right, Hayes? Yeah, I could make some sauce. This is frustrating because you guys have gone with me to the restaurant.

I'll get spaghetti meatballs. I'll tell them I don't want to hold the spaghetti. I don't want any of the spaghetti. That's right. And then you'll say, I don't eat meatballs. Yes. Kevin, describe the spaghetti. And then you'll just be crushing wheatgrass.

It's not coming out of the cup. Oh, a big dry chunk came out. Now Hayes is smashing it into the bowl. And that spaghetti's perfect. It's very al dente, which is, of course, the best kind of spaghetti. It's cup noodle spaghetti. And it's extremely al dente. And Kevin will try some first.

Break your teeth al dente. I wish I didn't eat all those bagels. Yeah, Kevin ate bagels, and he's bragging about it. Is this shrimp? You're the guy who's eating it. Are you allergic? I'm a vegetarian. Ah.

Sorry, Mitch, because you have to have it. Just eat the spaghetti part. That's a thing, right? Do I have to swallow? I know you've never eaten spaghetti before, but yeah, that's how it works. Tastes shrimpy. I would like to guarantee that there is no shrimp in that cup noodle. There is a little one.

It looks like... I think that's just a rogue shrimp that got into the package. Oh, that accidentally got in? Can I put some of the seasoning on it, Hayes? Yes, put a little seasoning on it. Okay, and if... And, Kevin, if you could describe the seasoning for a moment, I think people would appreciate it.

And Hayes was nice enough to get some of these fresh herbs. These are grown in some of the Virginia farms. So you and your vegetable stuff, you should love this because this is from a farm. Now please describe it, Kevin. Please describe. And maybe get some pictures of this, Kev. Yeah. It smells like when my grandpa used to come back from his long job

as a semi-truck driver, and he would go outside. And smoke Camel Crushes? Yeah. Yeah, smoke Camel Crushes. Yeah. Yeah, the Camel Crush regular fresh. Regular play button symbol fresh. Did you break it on the crush part? Yeah, I worry about getting some of the crush on there. Because I don't know exactly what the crush is.

The crush? Yeah, I don't know if you're supposed to eat the crush part. Oh, Hayes. You can eat the crush part. That's the best part. Just eat a little bit of it. A lot of people don't want to eat the crush, but you know me. That's good spaghetti.

And the seasoning. I'm going to put the sauce on top. I actually think the sauce looks good. Yeah, the sauce is very tantalizing. It's a green sauce. Kevin, describe the sauce. It looks like the thing my grandpa would take after a long day as a truck driver and smoking. He'd get headaches.

He would take two of these with a small cup of water. It's stuck in there. How do you get it out? I think you get a scissor. You probably need a smasher machine or some kind of slice-o-matic. Remember how funny Dan Aykroyd was on SNL? Ryan has... Who on SNL?

Remember Aykroyd on SNL? Specifically for this purpose of cutting open an Advil liquid gel. Now, Ryan, I didn't know you served in the military. I put on spaghetti. I've never thanked Ryan for his service and maybe explains why he's so quiet on the show as he's like shell-shocked or something. Because a lot of our other engineers

are eager to participate, but Ryan's sort of always in his own world. Ryan does kind of seem like he's hearing helicopter noises. Okay, good. It's working now. Here we go. Okay, yes.

Oh, yeah, no, it is. It is. You're successfully... I think. Oh, yeah. No, it is. It is. You're successfully. I think you put the shell in there, Hayes. I think that adds a nice color. I think that it's a feast for the eyes. Yeah, you should put the shell in. Please put the shell in, Hayes, because I think it's, you know,

what you need to realize about the culinary experience. Is it too spicy? Too spicy. Yeah. Oh, I don't like it so spicy. Yeah, well, it's burning hot and it is, we obviously did the hot pepper

challenge last week and Hayes and I are very sensitive to spice. Did you want me to eat some of the spaghetti? Yes, eat some of the spaghetti. Do you want more sauce or is that enough sauce? I think that is actually plenty of sauce. Okay. And so he thinks that's enough sauce. I just heard that it was very spicy.

And if you want to put the seasoning in too. Wait, Kevin, this is visual. You're not a guest. Take pictures. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah. There is a little shrimp.

There is one shrimp. It is like, but I do think that it just got in there kind of like Finding Dory or something. It's a shrimp on the box. Mm-hmm. I think it's very good. Yeah, and spaghetti can be good and good for you in small doses. So how many is the spaghetti?

And I know you do this on the show. is the spaghetti, and I know you do this on the show. Okay, now we decide how many the food is with the spaghetti, with the camel crush on top, and the Advil liquid gels poured over it. I'm going to give it... How many spaghettis? I'm going to give out of a possible 60. Thousands, I think. Out of a possible thousands of spaghettis?

Why limit it? Yeah. Why put a limit on it? I hate that we limit ourselves in this culture. I mean, there's nothing you can't achieve if you put your mind to it, and spaghetti is living proof of that. I'm going to say out of a possibility of endless thousands of spaghettis, I'm going to give this one 12,000 spaghettis.

I'm going to give this one 12,000 spaghettis. Okay, I'm going to give it six. Thousand? No. Just six? Six spaghettis. Six spaghettis? Yeah, because I thought it was good, but for me, the camel crush does take away a little bit of the spaghetti flavor, and I would rather eat a bowl of camel crush

and then a bowl of just spaghetti. That's fair. And have two spoons going at once. And I put both spoons in my mouth. I'm the same way. People say, I'm like, I don't like lasagna. And they're like, but you like tomato and you like cheese and you like spaghetti.

Yeah. But it's the same with this. It's too messy. And I am reminded of LL Cool J's character in the movie Toys who says, I'm a military man. I eat a military meal. Uh-huh. And he doesn't want the camel crush to touch his spaghetti or the spaghetti to touch his

camel crush. He wants them to have their own sort of world, and he chooses when they get combined. Then he's Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson is in the movie. You guys just don't remember it. Jack Nicholas. You're thinking of Jack Nicholson.

Jack Nicholas is in the movie. But is he related to Robin Williams in the movie? He must be. Yeah. He is, okay. He's his son. So I like all the movie? He must be. Yeah. He is, okay. He's his son. So I like all the ingredients involved in that dish. I like camel crushes.

I now know that I like spaghetti. We found out. And I like Advil liquid gels. My $12 in spaghetti rating was actually low. I don't know if you guys got that. Yeah. Yeah, I did get that. Because it's so many.

Because I give it a million spaghetti, and I didn't even like it that much. Yeah, it's not good. I will say this, though. I like how it does make part of my mouth frozen. Yeah. I don't know if that's happened for any of you. Yeah. I've experienced something similar to that, I think.

There's so much pressure to move your jaw these days. And it's like all the celebrities you see are like moving their jaw all the time. And it's as if you're not doing that, you're some nobody. So I like that this spaghetti just says, hey, man, hold it for a second. Let's catch our breath. Let's not be able to feel or operate our jaw muscle. And it does not – but it doesn't say not to do this on the package. I'm going to go one further than you and say I prefer Advil liquid gels out of the shell.

And I think that Advil should just sell liquid. It should just be Advil liquid. Just be gel. It should be – no, liquid. No, just liquid. Just liquid. They should sell a little serve or sell a little bottle. Yeah, I think that's probably right, Mitch,

and I think that's actually really smart. It's the kind of thing that Nick Wagger would take out of the show. And here we are showcasing like, okay, this guy's got a big ass brain. We're going to make this a central part of the show, Mitch. This will be on a loop. Ryan, can you really showcase this part, please?

Yeah, can you sort of isolate it, pump the vocals, drop out the treble, and maybe put in in a sound bed of what would be good for this, a bongo or something, so that you know, okay, something big's happening. So people will know, like this is going to a movie theater, and you're seeing the previews, and people will know that this part is the movie.

This is the main show. This is the main movie and everything before was the trailers. You're thinking of teasers. You're both thinking of teasers. Have you ever gone to a movie theater and thought that one of the trailers was the movie? You know what I mean?

And just like walked out before the actual movie started? When I was a baby when I was a baby that happened a lot. And I'd end up leaving. And I could go to the movies by myself. Get into my stroller. I was allowed to go to the movies by myself.

Oh, yeah. I was like the, I mean, not to be all about Roger Rabbit this time, but I was like the little baby Herman or whatever. And so I'd chomp on my cigar

in the stroller and I'd be like, hey, bring it over here. And you could talk. Oh, yeah. And I had a big old studio head voice. Do you remember the first movie you saw?

Mine actually, funny enough, kind of is a callback to this episode itself. The first movie I saw in the theaters. Okay, can we guess? Mm-hmm. Okay, now what's some of the stuff we talked about? Moss? The Moss movie? The Moss movie. What movie? The Moss movie.

What? Movie. Moss movie, so Ferngully. Yeah, it could be Ferngully. Think about Moss. Okay, if you guys want to guess Ferngully, you can. Okay, what about Hoonah Spirit? Yeah.

Maybe it's that Wiener documentary with Huma. I don't see how it could be anything else. Wiener, the documentary Wiener. The documentary Wiener is the second movie I ever saw. What's the main one?

The Great Outdoors, a reference to Dan Aykroyd, who you mentioned moments before. Oh, yes. Remember him on us now. Speaking of movies, we would sometimes do a segment on the show called Popcorn Gallery. And I thought about doing that with you, but I was worried that you might say popcorn too much.

So we're not going to do it? To sort of unnerve some of the listeners. Actually, I've done a lot of research and that is actually how it is pronounced it is pronounced popcorn and everyone else is wrong except you everyone else besides me is wrong and the inventor of popcorn popcorn wait he says it wrong also why do you talk all fucked up i've wondered this it's a joke or you fucking really like this it's just a joke yeah i mean it's a comedy podcast yeah you guys know about you guys know about comedy yeah i've learned a lot about it from nick one of the funniest things to do is to say words wrong uh i mean i disagree

really never stooped that low no I would never stoop that low. No. I would never stoop that low. That's such a cheap laugh. That's trash. I see somebody do that, I write them off immediately. I deck them. Wow. I'll knock them out cold. I will lay them ass out.

Now, if you genuinely speak incorrectly, just, you know, you're shooting from the hip and you make a little mistake, that can be kind of funny. But if you're trying to say words and names wrong and some of that stuff, you're basically the lowest form of creature on the being. You're worse than, obviously, a pebble or a stick. You're worse than man. You're worse than a slimy lizard on this belly, salamander kind of thing.

Jeez. What's a lower? Centipede. It's funny. I mean, I took classes at the UCB theater. Yeah, I know. Every level. I've never taken a class in natural.

I taught you. You taught me every level. A lot of moves. Which is what, you know, I felt like I maybe should have gotten different viewpoints. Yeah, you kept being like, I think I should try to get another teacher. Or like maybe nobody in the community really knows me. Like you say I'm doing good work, but it's like only you get to see it. Because I would isolate you from the rest of the class to do your scenes alone with me behind a little sort of like dressing area.

Like a Japanese. So they could see the silhouette yeah um and there was a lot of changing and throwing clothes over the top often the scene was about the shadow being created uh and that the words were sort of cryptic um where they could be about the two of us having some sort of exchange of fellatio. But it would really be just that I was like helping you, you know, fix a light bulb. I got a question for you. I mean, that to me is also people perceiving shadows in the wrong ways. Uh-huh. Yeah.

After saying the words wrong. I mean, I go to the – That's a valid comedy technique. The Naked Gun School of, you know what I mean? Yeah. Mini-me. Mini-me. Very funny.

Mini-me. Oh, I forgot what I was going to say. Do you say jalapeno puppers? Oh, I was going to ask you if kabuki theater is your favorite form of theater. Oh, in terms of all the theaters? I've got to think because there's other theaters. There are kinds, yeah.

Yeah, let's see. I think roller skating. Roller derby is kind of a good, yeah. That's a good theater. Shooting, like Annie Oakley style shooting theater. Oh, Western theater? Yeah. Yes, Western theater.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And, of course, the opera. Oh, I forgot. But I would say probably for me Kabuki is top 10. Okay. And it's high up in the top 10 around number one so the makeup the dads the funny language if there is any the makeup on the face the hands the fans, the clothes.

The girls. Uh-huh. Am I going to get arrested? PC warriors, get out your rifles. Yeah. Girls, makeup. The fans, the dancing, sometimes the language. And the girls. The Japanese language?

Is that what you're talking about? Could be. Moshi moshi? I'm in. I don't need to hear anything else. We're having fun. Have you ever had... Sorry to bring it back to food. Oh, go ahead. Even though you know I don't need to hear anything else. We're having fun. Have you ever had – sorry to bring it back to food. Oh, go ahead.

Even though you know I don't like it, but have you ever had a mochi? Unfortunately, yes. Oh, wow. Unfortunately, yes. Wow, I thought that you would like it. It's a packaging of ice cream, and I feel like it solved the issue of – it's almost the liquid gel thing. He thought it was a pebble. Yeah, I did. like it solved the issue of it's almost the liquid gel thing he thought he thought it was a pebble yeah i did i thought it was my dad actually because i am a pebble and this looked like a larger pebble it is a big it is big i was gonna say it's big for a pebble i thought it was my

biological father yes and i get that and uh what happened was it was so delicious, I thought that I had devoured my biological father at one point. And, you know, as I ate the entire thing, saying the whole time I shouldn't be doing this. And then I went to confess to my – I'm a member of the Rosicrucian faith. So I went to the Rosicrucian church and temple. With a gooey mouth. With a gooey mouth. And I said, you know, I've devoured my papa. And can someone absolve me or take my life?

And they did neither because it had turned out that it was, as you know, just a common dessert, a mochi mochi. I don't want to spoil anything. No, don't. For a story that I'll never tell, but it just sounds a lot similar to what happened to me when my father passed away, too. I was going to say that mochis... I was going to say that just all I wanted to say that mochis are the liquid gels of the ice cream world. Yeah.

That's it. Can you showcase that ride, please? Are you there? Oh, yeah, you're over there. Can you just showcase that part? I will. That's really good. Because Mitch said it twice, and I think he felt like it wasn't getting the good sonic treatment. Sonic.

Yeah. I agree with that. Did you really make a mark? I did. You did? Yeah. I'll sound design it. It'll sound really nice.

Okay, perfect. Oh, good. Do you guys agree with that? Did you say Pupstar? Did you call that movie Pupstar? Yeah. Pupstar never stop, never stopping. Puprocks.

Puptarts. You know, you guys don't have an accent. Greg Pupovich. I know you know that as your sports genius. Of course. He's a head coach. Got to be. One of the main ones. Gotta be.

Of a Texas team. Uh-huh. You guys don't speak the way I speak, which makes me, you're New Englanders, so maybe I am doing something wrong. Honestly, now I'm kind of down. Was your family fucked up?

Because that could actually be really good for comedy. You're saying like... Well, you talk all fucking shitty, and I'm wondering if maybe your family did it to you and not the region. And so if that's what happened, maybe you had a fucked up family, which can be great for comedy. That could be an interesting story. At the moth, Mitch.

Mitch. Mitch. Could you be the moth? The fucking mothman prophecies, baby. Let's get you in there, man. I'm seeing a prophecy right now. Mitch owning the moth stage. Blowing them away.

You're asking me basically if I have like a weird like clump-like family. Yes. That is all Mitch-like. What if you were raised with some religion? I mean that could be a very unique experience that needs to be repeated many times over. Actually, it wasn't. I actually wasn't. My family wasn't religious.

Wow. That's even more. Holy shit. Storyable. There's a story there. Moth it up. We're not religious. And as you know, I only really respect Mother Earth. I don't believe in any sorts of gods.

So I feel like you have these views of me from this podcast that's just kind of full of lies. None of this stuff really has ever happened. You're a faker. Yeah. Popcorn. Yeah. I don't say it wrong. Is that wrong?

Popcorn? No, that's fine. Pop. But I get that this is an interesting character that you were doing. I just said popcorn in my eye. Did you guys notice that my nose starts to bleed? Dude's got to bounce, man. Bye.

I'm a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson, and Chris Bannon. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. Ow. That was a HeadGum Podcast.