Hollywood Handbook - Mitra Jouhari, Our Big Tension Friend

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

The Boys are joined by MITRA JOUHARI, and I’m going to be honest, her and Hayes almost get into a fistfight. Get a Hat Pack Hat here! Check out Sean and Hayes’s bonus shows at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Listen and watch on the iHeartRadio App!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Okay. I see you looking over at me sometimes, Mitra. I'm only here to observe today. Oh, amazing. I was curious what the show is like when I'm not always there for the show. What happens when I'm not there? Yeah. So I just want to kind of get a sense of that.

So, you know, for all intents and purposes, I'm not here. Do the survey with Hayes like everyone does. Great. And then at the end of that, you know, maybe I'll throw a couple different scenarios at you guys show type scenarios for you to kind of walk through and demonstrate so that I can kind of see what's working and what's not. Yeah, just get some unpaid labor. With a sort of. But we are getting paid. You guys are.

Yes. You are. Yeah. Okay. That's great that you guys are. New studio. We're getting paid. New studio.

That's awesome. We get paid. We get paid. Yeah. No, it's so cool. The purple. And you see us in this environment and you are frustrated by our success or nourished by it? Nourished because I know you guys like need that pretty bad.

Okay. We're nourished by it as well. I'm happy to hear it. Because we are eating. I'm slaked. Mm-hmm. Are you hydrated? I know.

I said I was just going to observe. I'm slaked. You're slaked? You're slaked. You're slaked. Slake Queen Slake Queen boots And

Kevin is here as well Kevin is muted and he is not visible today You know our producer chef Kevin Of course And why is he hiding That's not because he has a big dindin he needs to eat He did not text us before

Saying he has a very big dindin to eat tonight If you think he's tucking into Just the most massive plate of Shisketi you've ever seen Get that out of your mind. Get that image out of your mind. He's not doing that. Kevin, promise me you've got Vino.

I promise me, Trow. Thank you. Slaked. It's a big ham. Big ham Vino Sos. Skiddy. Big ham venos is Getty. And a side of pie, no doubt.

Ham and wine. Um, what did we do before? With me? Yeah. Do we have something with you? Is there a thing with you? Long ago, we sang many songs. That was, that was, what, like 40 studios ago for you guys?

Okay. You were one of the songs singer was? I remember some of our song singer guests. Don't remember you being one of them. No, that's okay. We had some musicians that we did songs with. I don't recall just randomly doing songs with you. Don't think of you that way.

You should. As a musician. As someone who could. Okay. As someone who has potential. Okay. To make music. Okay.

I myself have no formal training. I am naturally musical. That's awesome. You seem like it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Even just the mm-hmm. Right?

The timber. The timbre. The timbre. Timberland. Tumber. The Jeffrey Tambor. Oh, back in wetter than ever. I hope.

I notice your emotional support collaborators aren't here today. Sandy and Alyssa. Sandy and Alyssa. Yeah, you didn't, what? It was two last minute. Couldn't get it together. Three people.

You had to go, just one. We didn't invite them? Mm-mm. I got the call last night. Kevin, that's an oversight. I got the call very late, late, late last night of an appropriate time. Inappropriate time? Mm-hmm.

Kevin. Kevin also... It was a FaceTime. Part of the bigness of his dindin tonight was, sources say, a refusal to finish his dind last night. So that's why he was up so late. He was having a staring contest with the plate and saying, I'm not going to break. This plate will break before I will.

And now Kevin loses to plate. So then he wasn't allowed to have his phone. He couldn't text. and you got a text late last night and I know you like singing songs it's reminding me a little bit of sort of a camp song that we used to hear sometimes Hayes let me know if you know this one

late last night when we were all in bed Kevin producer he called me up and said there's could be a podcast at the I-heart tonight and then you'd be like Mitra Mitra right? Do you know this one? Mrs. O'Leary? I could have answered in advance if it's a camp song I know it

So I could have said, you said, let me know if you know this one. The answer is yes, I know it because it's from camp. Yeah. I listened to camp songs. I don't go. Right, but you love the music of camp. I didn't really go either. My sister would bring the songs home to me and we would enjoy them.

When I lived in Ohio, I went to art venture camp for a week at the Blue Ash Rec Center and we just played in the woods the whole week, I think. I think you should say, when I hear you say when I live, lived in Ohio, I'm thinking she is going to live in Ohio again. So I, what I would say is the last time I lived in Ohio. Yeah, totally. Because it's inevitable. The way you say it is it fits like, it's just behind you when like as soon as tomorrow. Back home in Ohio.

What about back home in Ohio? Over yonder back in the day. Because then it could be like, you're just visiting here. Yes. I wish. Your wish is grand. Granted, sweetie. I can go home.

You have to. Pack up the bags. You have to go back to Ohio. That's what I'm getting. That's just what I'm picking up. You will be back in Ohio very soon. Maybe not in the part of Ohio that you're even from, though. So maybe this is the back home in Ohio that's a problem.

You might end up in just a completely different part of Ohio. Shivering by the lake. Yeah. Yes. In the part of Ohio I grew up in, I used to go to Art Venture. But now, and the part of Ohio that I live in today. And we'll die.

Yes. And that I will, where I will die. And when do you think I'll die? So this is something we were talking about before you came in. And it's really interesting because we're a little bit split. We agree that it's soon. Oh, okay.

But we don't know how old you are right now. How old do you think? I think you're a hundred and 99 years old. Close. The range is huge. I think you're going to live to be 200 years old. Whoa, no. I said, no way.

I said she's not 199. I said you're being actually absurd. Yeah. I peg you around 80? Close. Okay. You're both really close. $199 is like comedically large guess.

Yeah, but 80. I would say 80 and $199 are both incredibly close. the number that's closest to both of those. The number that's closest to both of those? Closest to both of those. Sorry. I always forget that you guys didn't go to college. Did not end up going to college.

And in a way, school was my college. You know what I mean? High school was college. Varsity. I learned so what a lot of people learn at college, I actually learned it. at high school. Whoa.

We were going to classes. We were reading books. I mean, that's what school was back then. You know, so it was an incredible experience. And when I did, I wouldn't say I didn't go to college, but when I did stop by, they said, you're good. You know it. Keep walking.

Keep on walking. You're good. You could be out now. Out where? Out just in the world? Don't got to tell me twice. Out in the world. Out here.

Los Angeles. Out here. Auditing the eye heart. studios, you know, observing the interplay between a host with you. I don't even see the purple. This is the second time you've brought it up. That's not purple. Maroon? What is it? I mean, I guess. It's definitely maroon. It's definitely not purple.

Fine. It's just that you brought up twice. Okay, fine. It's purple. No one ever would say that before. No big deal. You get your way. It's purple. On your collaborators. Where I think the We'll just be interested in like a check-in. Yeah, I mean, Alyssa is on the moon and Sandy is in the ocean. And so that's why. So they're in contact, huh? Yes, one controls the other, but I can't say who.

Yes. Hello. Uh-oh. This is Richie. Totally normal way to enter a room and everyone's feeling comfortable as hell. He's never done this before. The me camera seems to be. moving, which is always a good sign.

The U camera. Well, he's never decided before, I need to get in there right now. Something really bad is happening to the viewer. He's really, he's opening up the back panel of the U camera. Smoking. And he's got out a welder's mask. Maybe make, oh, he's putting on a makeup filter. He is actually smearing makeup on the lens.

Yossify filter. Wow. He's turned the camera around to point it at himself, and now he is shooting it at himself like a gun. He looked at the can. He did shake his head and leave, and he did look at his watch as if to establish time of death for the podcast, I think. I would love to be the reason it stops.

After all these dozens of years that you guys have been doing podcasts. I think it's good. I think it's good to be consistent and to do something for a long time. And you make a promise. Nobody does that anymore. Tell me about it. When you start a podcast, your body makes a promise. And the listener, you honor their promise by you never stop doing the podcast.

Your body makes promise. My body keeps a score of doing Hollywood Handbook four times. And I was going to ask, has actually been four times. but that would not be honoring your body. I actually don't know. But it seems... It's keeping the score, but it might not be right. No, but it's keeping a score of what I have endured

by entering into the millions of studios. So fucking go then. May I tell you what we have? So why are you just fucking leave then? May I tell you what we have right now in this episode? Huh. A three body problem. We have a three body problem, don't we?

We do. One's keeping the score. to have made a promise. Takes two bodies to make a promise. And this is what he does. Like he's a diffuser. Right. And he uses comedy that way.

Yeah. And referential comedy for like shows and movies that are popular now. In family counseling, Mitra, I would be known as the mascot of the family. And so I feel the conflict. Right. You know, mom and dad are fighting. So when Hayes screams at me. Acting out.

When Hayes screams at me so much like, we can see the spit flying across the me camera. Like, what role is that? The, like, perpetrator? I will say, I never realized how well-named you are, but me, me, Mita. It's always me, the me camera. Should be Mitra, me, Hari. Because it's just that I never have heard any guests talk about themselves so much.

We are trying to talk about the podcast as a living, breathing organism. And once again, it's Mimi, Me, Me, Me, Meitra. And it's just your parents did a good job. Or is it, I don't know what you came first. I don't know what you came. I never know that they destined you for this. Yeah. I have found that anger for me is a healthy, transitional, honest emotion.

You'll notice I'm not screaming right now. But you were. It's a safe feeling to feel. A safe feeling to feel for the two men, one looming on a screen that is, even bigger than the wall of this room and the other one over seven feet tall in the purple room. Hey, I don't make the screen, honey.

I just loom on them, you know? And y'all have been kicked out of every studio that you have been a part of, no? Because what is this? The 17th studio in four episodes? We have actually kicked ourselves out of every studio. And as we're...

We've turned our resignation. And as we're kicking, their foot is kind of kicking too. And so the force of our different kicks is like... It's like shooting us backward. I just like, I hope that the cameras and the viewers at home who are watching this on like, I don't know, Instagram live or whatever are seeing Hay's foot approaching me inches away from my face. Fresh after facial reconstructive surgery, by the way. I got the in Hathaway face.

And I was not going to say anything about it because last time I now remember this is your thing. You say you look at my body too much. accuses us of discussing her body. Yes. And now we're coming around. And she's bringing up her own face. And my entire thing before you came on the show and decided I needed a different thing was that I look. I check it out.

I say what I see. That was my thing on the show. And it kind of worked for a long time. Until. Oh, that was something that listeners loved, something they cherished about the experience of listening was getting hate. his take, which is sometimes could be surprising on what he was seeing. Of women or all? It doesn't matter.

It's it's they, they, they, they want to hear his perspective on the shape. We're being paid for Hayes' opinion. And so whether it's a woman's body or whether it's a woman's face. Right. You know what you mean? It's anything. Right. Shape, size, color.

Anything. And he shoots from the. hip, you know what I mean? No filter. That's what made it so thrilling to hear. Yeah. You mentioned, you mentioned that you got a facelift. You also slandered a woman who I don't think we can necessarily prove, you know, what work she's been done. Right. But I've been hearing a lot about this sort of upper blef surgery that people get. But you are the first person that I know of who also went middle and lower blef. Yes. I got. Can we get every blef? I bleft every part of my face.

Bluff your heart. I got the full bluff. Bluff this Beth. I bluffing parts that people didn't even know you could bluff on a body. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Want to guess?

Oh, well, you know, this seems like a trap. Mm-hmm. No. By the way, this isn't even the part of the show I do. Okay. What I do is I diffuse. Hayes infuriates someone. he talks about their body, they become enraged.

Right. He then starts prodding them more. But what about his rage? I'm sort of the mascot, you know, where I say, hey, look over here and I'm doing some silly thing. I don't know what it is. But like you say, you absorb the conflict and then it builds. It builds up.

And you think everything's okay with him, but he's actually been crazier and angrier than me. I'm in the most pain. I don't know how to express my anger. It's not a safe feeling for me to feel. I don't know what's going to happen. Once I take the cork out of that bottom. For me, when it's at MC. Mama.

And it looks like he paused there. It could be really scary. When he gets a little too real. And for me, I. Hotel internet, right? Hi. You're back.

Yeah. I felt myself getting angry and so I went ahead and froze the internet. You have that power. I broke the internet, as we often do with our viral clips. Do you have an idea for a clip you'd like to have shared from the episode? Because we do try to get, I know a lot of this will be us talking, but we do try to get a moment we can use to sort of promote the show.

What's your most viral moment? Online ever? Whoa. Can't think of any. Did you slag someone off? I assume at some point I was slagging something. You can't think of us. And I didn't say it had to be like hugely viral, just what's the most viral one?

And I actually think you did think of it and you just didn't want to say it. No, I really can't think of anything. But I know that I have in the days of Twitter. I was going viral. You never did front-facing? I did do one TikTok and I deleted it after about an hour because I made myself sick. When I saw myself, I was like, I hate her. I was singing a song that I made up.

And I remember the lyric. Okay. Was it a parody of Mrs. O'Leary, the old camp song? Well, I tried that, but I saw that- About the Chicago Fire. Some other people had already gone viral for that. So I wanted to at least respect that. What's the song this one?

So the song was something that I was humming to myself, which is, I am ugly and no one else's. And I was like, that's kind of funny, horrible, like, thing to think. Put it on the internet. And it was, was it doing too well? Do you remember some of the early reactions to? In the comments? It was actually worse, which is that it didn't light up anything.

No one watched it. I was like, not a single view. There's no good option, really. You don't want a video like that to be doing too well or too poorly. That's true. Yeah, it's like you want you. It either needs to just like kind of get, you know, like 10,000 views or something.

Or it needs to, I don't know. I deleted it very quickly. And this is 2020. 2020. This was like when it was all beginning in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, maybe I could be young enough to do that. But now you watch.

I'm going to wait till it's over. I'm going to start. tuck next year when it's done. With Caleb. With Caleb. And Ava. I don't have the goods, but they do. You don't think like, and I know when you say you don't have the goods, you actually think that you do.

I don't. I don't. I know I don't. There's evidence that I don't. Well, it's been deleted. It's been scrubbed. Oh, actually, I had a page that I was maintaining for a while that I'm just remembering. Maintaining a page.

It was edits of me covering songs like Rolling in the Deep using only photos of owls. And you would sing along with a song? I would be like rolling in the deep. And then it would just be like an edit of a bunch of like photos of owls. And you were maintaining the page. It was like owl singer. something and I deleted that as well. And you didn't want to be too vulnerable and say like this is by Mitra.

You would just be Owl Singer and if it if it does well then maybe at some point you can like pop out and say it was actually be Mietra the whole time. I was having the time of my life it was like owl like spinning into frame and we go we could have had it all and then it spins into frame and then it goes out of frame and I had like hundreds of photos of owls. Oh no it was called owl tamer. I'll tamer. So I probably did about like 15 of you.

And so part of the concept is that these owls are performing to the song and they're spinning into frame because you have tamed them. You've trained them to do that. Yes. It's all attainment. Yes. Exactly. I think taming out. I mean, like taming they usually talk about with like a lion, for example, or something that like could really like hurt you really bad.

Yeah. But Sean has a movie. Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, there is a name already for what you were purporting to do, which is falconry. But it doesn't have owl in the title. Right. But it applies to all those raptors, you know. Well, I just wanted it to be accessible to people who didn't, like, you know, grow up, like with owls and falconry as part of their media diet.

Oh, okay. I saw two birds today. and you got one big stone they were you said this is the moment they were being trained one was like the trainee bird and they were like big

like those like kind of big crazy birds and someone passing by was like saying to his kid like look there's two falcons and they walk by and they get pretty far away and I see one of the bird people like think about it for a long time and he turns and goes they're paris hawks but they were

already way too far away so he said he he said it to me and he was like i can't exist unless i say this out loud yeah i don't actually want the engagement they're hawks come from it paris hawks did you acknowledge oh i sound like oh big birds you want your voice to be heard Hayes was saying actually that he he saw two birds today that he was able to take out with one stone one was we have to release a Hollywood handbook episode and the second was to end Maitra's career

oh do it so my headphones up plug for a second can you tell me what he said I know it's a list of two things yeah he said kill two birds with one stones one of them is that there's a movie that you have to put out in the move in the future and then the other one is that

this girl's on fire. This girl's on fire like... That must remind you of a song. A song. And would you like to sing the song? No. You really wanted to be dragged out of you. No, I've already...

I've already done that on this show. I'm looking to show people that I can do so much more than that. You said what you do on the show is sing, even though... That we sing song. It's not. But I would say that was like... Guess I have. And then everything you mentioned...

What song did you sing on the show before? We all did so. You always come on this show and lie. We did songs. That's your thing on this show. You need to stop yelling. Yeah, that's what you do. I want to throw something in you.

You're such a fucking... I want to throw... This is too important to me. I promised myself I wouldn't let you fuck up the show again. I dare you to hit me. She dared me. You all heard of dare him. She dared me.

I dare you. Ritchie, you heard it. Daring is a sick. sacred code that supersedes the law. Richie said he heard it. Here's what I actually think. I think you and I would have a really funny fight.

I mean, that's what we did. Like, whether or not we're meaning to do, there's a reason we got into this. You know what I mean? To laugh. There's a reason we do what we do. People started, people just started laughing and we were like,

oh, we're clowns, aren't we? I like the way that feels. And whether or not, like, we're meaning to do it or what, like, this is what we do. In my family dynamic, it's like almost like I was sort of a mascot figure. He's the mascot. Where, you know, the release that would be created, the tension dissipating. Right.

You know, that was really the desired result. Totally. Whether that lead to, you know, me getting paid a couple bucks or whatever, you know, that now get up on stage or get on a microphone, you know, that wasn't necessarily the goal. But. You get addicted to it, don't you, Mietra? I bet you're going to tell us. Comedy is therapy to many.

And that is interesting. I guess I'm expressing some stuff here. It's pretty painful stuff. Yeah, and it's like so many people don't know how to get that out, but you figure out a way to do it on stage and give people a couple of laughs along the way. And I think that you really can't put a price tag on that. But I hope Netflix puts billion. Well, Maitra, your song, some of your songs that you do actually are,

our therapy as well. I know that you consider that to be your primary contribution and is singing. So you really don't remember my first episode? So you say you sang songs on it? We made up songs. Okay, what were some of the songs? And I know if it was our show, they were based on top 40 hits from that time. Kevin sang a song about my teeth.

That's what I remember. Kevin sang a song about your teeth? You're, okay, this is got, tithra. This is got, tithra. Kevin. This is gaslighting. Kevin. I'm shivering.

Kevin. I actually, my teeth are chattering. You can probably hear it on the mic, but my teeth are chattering. That's giving Kevin an idea for a song. Kevin, I think, this is just what I'm saying right now. I think so you, so this doesn't become a problem for you, I think you need to remember the song that you sang about Maitra's teeth and sing it. Because otherwise I think this could end up being a problem for you.

she has already established that her body keeps perfect score. I kind of remember now, but Kevin, you do it. You guys see this sign? Yeah. The ocean fixes everything. Do you agree? It's been very helpful for me. You have an Apple watch as well.

We should take you out to the middle of it. Drop you in. With Sandy. With Sandy. Also aptly named. 20,000 leagues under the sea, pretty safe down there. I got a safe space for you. Kevin.

Watery grave. Kevin. I hear there's other people in the room monitoring your dindin situation. So he pointed at the sign and I think that what really what the sign said was, I haven't been listening. Which is okay. Like he's got this dinner. You know, he got in trouble. Like he's already been fighting about whether he's going to eat dinner.

or not and like now sort of got to take the L eventually just to be allowed to sleep in his bed and not sitting up in a chair at the kitchen table. Right. The table with the maximum amount of food on it. Hey, I'm Ruby Carr, the host of the podcast

Encore. Check out our brand new episodes featuring music from the show that everyone is reheating as we speak. Heated rivalry. Join me as I go behind the songs that brought Shane and Eelia together. I'll tell you the stories of Fice, My Moon, My man, wolf forades, I'll believe in anything, and tattoos all the things she said,

and how they all became a part of this global phenomenon. Stream encore on IHeart Radio, crave, or wherever you get your podcasts. We've all been there. We've had seasons that have shaken everything. The question is, what remains when the shaking stops? Hi, I'm Gary Valenciano. And on my podcast, Unshaken with Gary Vee, I sit down with a. amazing personalities, and we talk about the seasons that nearly broke them, the lows that carried

them to their highs. Listen to Unshaken with Gary Vee on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emily Oster. I'm an economist and data expert. And I'm Perry Wilson. I'm a medical doctor. And this is our new podcast, Wellness Actually. Because you're getting a staggering amount of health and wellness information nowadays, and some of it is awesome. And some of it is, well, actually, bullshit. Fortunately, we're both people who know how to read studies, parse data, and can tell you what's worth trying out and what you can safely ignore. Each episode, we tackle the health news of the week and then take a deeper dive into a

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Or the economist ordered. Listen to Wellness Actually on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, it's Alec Baldwin this season on my podcast. Here's the thing I'm speaking with more artists, policymakers, and performers like composer Mark Schaman. Once you've established that you have the talent, it's about the hang.

It's the pleasure of hanging out with the people that you're with. You know, Rob and I was always a great hang. We would sit in kibbets for hours and then eventually get around to the music. That's what I mostly think of when I think of him, the time together laughing. Lawyer of Robbie Kaplan. The great gift of being a lawyer is the ability to actually change things in our society in a way that very few people can. You can really make a difference to causes in the United States if you bring the right case at the right time.

Marriage equality. Yeah, Windsor's the perfect example. Director Morgan Neville. Film school teaches you all the wrong things about making documentary. What do you want to say? Documentary is all about your ear. What do you hear? I feel like my job is listening really, really hard.

Listen to Here's the Thing on the IHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The song was Kevin was singing was maybe about you, and I hate that, if I'm wrong, I'm going to hate bringing this up. Was it about you having, like, stinky breath? that sounds right I can't I can't open the door oh okay I was locked in does that sound right Kevin that sounds right he just said

actually maybe you didn't hear him he did just say it sounds right I didn't I didn't hear oh yeah it was the first thing he said he said he heard the idea of you having stinky breath and he said that sounds right and you'll notice I do just want to point something out since it came up since it came up

you'll notice that there's only one other person of the studio this week. Well, Richie, who's always inside, was like, let me go ahead and just do most of this one from out in the other. Yeah, I am noticing there are a lot of curtains between us. And these other guys, they're normally here for every episode, are actually in different states completely.

Yeah. Because my thing is, I got a look, of course, or it was. And their thing is, they got a smoke. And they don't like it. I mean, that's your thing on the show. I'm just remembering that. My thing is stink. I'm a stinky breath.

And I get why it took you so long to say, we were like, what's your thing? You're like, making up songs. And it's like, what's the song about? I think it's about my teeth. And it's like, well, yeah, I mean, they're part of it. They're a character in the song. Yeah, they're part of the tapestry of stink. Kevin, do you remember the song?

Hi. What is going on for you over there? I'll tell you one thing the ocean can't fix, which is Kevin's contribution to this episode. What did you go out to the patio for? So peace and quiet. When I started talking, everyone stopped and looked over their shoulder. When I said, do you see the sign? Because you were sitting at the dinner table with your computer and you started talking to your computer.

They weren't sure who I was talking to. You were eating dinner with everyone and you said, and you were looking at your computer the whole time and then you started talking to your computer and then you're ever started looking at you too much vino not enough dno purple teeth i don't know i don't know i don't jack's gonna look it up for me i can't find it um but it's real something about your chin you said what's wrong with your chin and i chime in from the engineer booth that's another song um whoa but But the teeth one is a standby for teeth. I did get a bluff there.

So hopefully things are looking different, at least. You would hope that something was looking different after you got a bleph on the chin. That hell just put a blef anywhere. I know. That's the whole point. I got a full body bluff. I bet at some point when it's full body, it kind of just like cubs all the way back around. Well, you're just like tugging it all.

Yes. Yes. Like you could theoretically tug it all the way back around. But right now it's just a two inch tug. But it's like if you tug the two inches of one direction and then... I used to dance under that name. Should we just wait for the song now? Got a marinade in the two inch tug.

That's a haste joke that I decided to steal. Well, I stole it from someone else. Yeah, of course, of course. But I do like that at ours now. It's a, it's what we call a street joke in the business, Mitra. Oh. what business it's out there you just anybody could come pick it up what business uh hedge fund management cool now do i have your attention yeah you just you just love to pretend you don't know what i'm

talking about huh i do i think i'm talking about the business of comedy i was like a mascot in my family you know what i mean like when there was something wrong like i just couldn't take it you know it was so in the air. What can I do? I put on, put my pajama pants on my head or something. I go out. I do a little routine. I make up one of, you know, song like you said or something. Sounds difficult. No, no, focus on me. We're talking about me, you know, they can't feel those feelings anymore. It didn't make it go away. It didn't fix it. But it just, it kept us calm. You think of the family unit as a mobile, like what hangs over a child's crib, yes? And when one is out of balance, everything else has to adjust to that side, you know?

And so then you try to kind of pull it down your way with whatever tools you have. For me, it was comedy. I was a mascot. And so I pulled out on that. That tries to kind of balance it. But then, uh-oh, now sis is acting up. You know, she's on a whack. She's shaving her head or going goth.

You know what I mean? Can I say something? Dying something to get different color. I guess. I hope you transcribe all of this verbatim, do it as stuff. band up. Don't add a single joke. Can be a little dangerous making the crowd your therapist. But I think for some it could be so healing. Some of the most funny of all are basically not

telling a single joke. Can be for a minute. But then you take a wound. Right. And you open it up so it bleeds right in front of everyone. Right. And they clap and cheer more, more. We love the wound and you start to think that the pain actually feels good. Right. Because you want them. If they're happy, everything must be going okay, right? They're trying new things in the back there. Again, that's never gone off before.

They're saying, let's just try turning this light off. Yeah, because people can see the scars from the bluff, probably. Speaking of turning things off, I might jump soon. Out the window. I want to see what happens with the teeth. and everything, but I might have to, ha-ha. Everyone. I mean, did you have any questions for me, Maitra?

I guess in your current family unit, do you consider yourself mascot, or are you kind of reigning with terror the way you do on this podcast? You find ways to recreate these roles as adults, don't we? Right. Don't we find ways to recreate these same dynamics in roles as adults without even realizing we're doing it? Mm-hmm. And suddenly, yes, it all snaps into place.

and the curtains pulled back. And the puppeteer is revealed. You're past. Whoa. You should cut the strings. You ever think about that? The mascot strings? Yeah, cut the puppeteer strings on the mascot of you.

They do an amazing job. And I'm limp and lightless. I just want to say, like, the arena puppeteers, like what they could do with those strings on the mascot, how they can make those guys flip and dunk and even like pretend to kiss. No one in the crowd. Like, who's up there? It looks like a, oh, you.

Like a creature. Yes. Right. That's right. It's nearly humanoid. Yeah, you'd think there's someone doing it. You would. You would.

But I might split. Time to be as they say. I got my own stuff going on. Right. Because it's night where you are. You probably want to go to bed. It's not night. It's not night.

Just a dark room by choice. You like that? Do you like me to open the curtain? It's dark in here. It's like all the curtains are closed here too. I mean, like, it doesn't mean it's night time. You can tell it's day here based on like behavior. You got to fight for your rights of party.

That's what we say. I went, Maitra, when it started. Wow, you were doing a lot at that time. Huh? That was on her first episode. What happened? to you, Kevin. You were really, you were, chiming in and, like, really

doing a lot of stuff. You were a wild, man, dude. I try to pick my choices a little more clearly now. I try to pick my choices a little more clearly. Stay in my lane. You need to get out of your lane. It was nice. You guys want to see the ocean? Yeah. Get out of your comfort zone. Yeah, show. It fixes everything.

All right. You want to see a lake? Goodbye. Yes. Hang on. Let's see. Since she thinks it's night, it's not night. Let's see if we can get. All right. Looks like about 10 p.m. over there.

Wow. That is nasty. Which one are you and your family? What else is there about mascot? Well, Sean is the mascot. There's all different. There's the leading scorer. There's the relief pitcher.

Is this a real thing? Oh, yeah. Like everyone has their role that they play in the family, and this is all like... Yeah. Everyone plays their part. By the way, you look around the family and you can't spot the mascot, it's probably you.

Probably you. And you, I was thinking, like, you have, like... Sorry, I'm not allowed to look. No, no. Check it out. No, sorry. It's, like, illegal. for me to see anything.

Well, now it's been yours. No, sorry. It's not allowed for me to like have my eyes open and like even glance at somebody. That's like against a real sorry. Sorry, I just almost it again. I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. Physically existing in a space as a living being.

If I were to commit the sin of observation, I might say that you have huge puffy muscles. that are that's it for me all right so he and he's mad a little bit too because like he calls up the mascot but like he

he wants that to be because he has these like huge puffy muscles right you know yeah but I mean

does for him to see that in front of you it's like crazy to me because I have the bigger huge puffy muscles yeah you know yeah very like

super defined like big bicep yes like people can't see under like t-shirt big ab yeah one got the rest bleft off huh well sanded okay sanded and so what am i allowed to do on this show and you didn't say what role you play in your family i actually don't know and richie didn't say what role he played in well because i don't even know how to know that okay so i'm the an arena announcer You're just saying what people are up to. I say when they walk in. Mop? I say.

From Bucknell University, my mommy. And just like, you know, if they, I say what they're up to and if they do something wrong. What about the right? There isn't really a process, like, also we'd be here all day.

If you said what they do, right? my family is always doing things that are right. And so it's too big a job to just be listing off all the wonderful things my family is doing. That's nice. And so... You think highly of them. Well, it's, it can be nice unless it's your job to like find the things that are wrong. And it's your job.

And that's my job. By choice. I'm the in arena announcer. Yeah. I think I'm snack it snack it snack it

snack giver snack giver yes snack so you're the person like in so say this is like a metaphor is like a basketball game which is kind of what the other ones are

right you are someone who has brought snacks you brought food for everyone everyone at the game professional NBA basketball game. And I give it. You gave it to everybody. Who wants?

And so you offered a little bit first. You stand at the end of the aisle and do like a, I'm on the court. You're offering it to everyone from the court. I'm going out there. And people are getting to say if they want it or not in the crowd. Each person gets to say whether they want it or not. One by one.

I'm going, all right. I've got a huge backpack, insulated backpack, full grape leaves. Dolmas. Okay. Let me know if you want. You have enough dolmas, which you said the backpack is insulated. And these have to be refrigerated. And you made them?

Purchased. You bought them. I'm the snack giver, not the snack maker. That's a different job in the arena. Okay. Underneath the arena, the snacks are made. Milk, milk, lemonade. Under the arena, the snacks are made.

So you bought the grape leaves from under the arena. I brought them. I didn't buy them. I just brought them. You said you purchased them. No, you're not listening. So I went down to Under the Arena. Uh-huh.

Where the milk, milk, lemonade down the corner was made. And then I get the grape leaves. Uh-huh. I put them in my insulated. backpack. Okay. Huge. And then I go up to the court and just like in between place. Like I'm not being disruptive. And here I think, but that's so, that's way too many people to have grape leaves for everyone. But the truth is people probably mostly don't want them. Mostly people don't want them. So you found you don't actually have to bring that many grape leaves. One backpack full of grape leaves

It's a big backpack. It's a big backpack. But out of the, say, like, 12,000 people at an NBA game, how many of them are having grape leaves? It's like not that many. It's just like 11,000. 11,000 of them are having grape leaves. So to me, that's a lot. Well, to you.

To me, out of 12,000, that's a lot. But see, I have a huge extended family, so I'm used to that kind of stuff. So maybe it's cultural. Okay. Okay. So this is all, this is starting to make me think of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Because of the grape leaves, because of you talking about your huge extended family, feeding everyone grape leaves. That's kind of, it's an interesting connection for you to make. It's kind of like the thing that happens in that movie. You don't, you think that's wrong. You think that was unfair of me to think about my big fat Greek wedding?

I was saying it's an interesting connection for you to make. Mm-hmm. Okay. Did Sean leave? Sean did leave. Sean left. Right when the going got tough. Yeah, he left about maybe five minutes ago. What did you do in that time?

What's your guy's favorite dessert? Can we see, can you just take us into the room with your whole family, please, Kevin? I went to a different, they're upstairs. They're on the eighth floor. What floor are you on? I just saw someone behind you. I literally just saw someone go behind you. You're such a liar.

I can't believe everyone's lying on this show. No one's supposed to be in here. Just go show you just, she just lied when she said she didn't buy the Dolmas. I've never lied. Go in there. And you were listening, but you know I've never lied. Wait, Kevin, we were just talking about huge families. Go show everyone, go show us your huge family.

Okay, here they all are. Opa! Bye. Maitra. Brush your teeth. Oh my God, this is brutal. You ask your mom, please, but she still says brush your teeth again. You missed two classes because you didn't brush your teeth.

But your teacher preaches class like you really need to brush your teeth. You got a brush Your teeth Look They're pretty good Bottom teeth look like a piece of wood Is such a problem Because your teeth

Need a little work in the bottom area It's a problem Busted You got a brush Your teeth Specifically the bottom That's it, thank you I need something better to go out on Kevin.

You have to keep going, sorry. Got a brush. So you have some real time to think about it, but I really need like a really either super mean or like just a really good line to get out on. You have a cavity and we didn't discuss it. But I'm here and sorry, Mitra, it's going to hurt. Okay. Still not there.

Doctors in. We're going to attack that chin. Whoa, she didn't offer that. You got a brush your teeth and address the cavity. I'm with my chin. Oh, no, Kevin. You got a brush, your teeth and floss the bottom ones. Okay, let's think.

We need to talk about that too. It's... Okay, we're not going to get it. Bye. Hey, Portlandia fans. Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen here. The Dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form. We're launching Podlandia, A.O. rewatch,

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