Hollywood Handbook - Mookie Blaiklock, Our Evergreen Friend

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Sean and Hayes are joined by MOOKIE BLAIKLOCK to record a normal episode of the show in the present day. This episode is sponsored by Happy Socks (www.happysocks.com/handbook code: HANDBOOK) and Blue Apron (www.blueapron.com/handbook).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. tell me about what you're doing. Tell me about your career and everything. And I'm like bored and I'm like, whatever, you know, because it's like, I knew he was going to interview me and it was just like a matter of when. It's always when you, whenever I go in there, I'm like, Oh my God, I know he's going to try and like interview me. Yes.

Yes. I'm like, I'm just, I'm sitting down. I'm trying to have a coffee or something. And I'm like, okay, here we go.

I like, I can tell when he's about to do it. He's like starting to, he's like, gets that like question mouth where his mouth is like sort of in like the question mark shape. And he's goes to ask me and he goes like, so I hear you're doing this thing. I mean, I hear you're working on like this podcast now. And I, and I slap him and I grab his tie and I go, Hey Charlie, I'm show running a podcast right now. I'm the show runner of it.

So why don't you get those words in your mouth before you talk about it? I'm doing some podcast thing. Yeah. You know, because think about it, Hayes. That's what I, yeah, I say too. I say co-show running. Yes, I'm co-show running it with my partner. We're both practically executive

producers on it get the credit right before you talk about my podcast on purpose he no he's messing with me because it's like he's gonna force me to get interviewed and then he's gonna try to hold it over me and to get a big response out of you, too, because it's just like... Because it goes viral. It obviously went viral. It sure goes viral. Everybody's sharing it now. He wants to get beaten up every episode, basically, now.

He does end up getting beaten up. No, yeah. On purpose. He catches an enormous punch. Mm-hmm. And this one, for me, was so big, they had to cancel the show for a long time. And I don't know when it's coming back.

Knocked him clean out of his trousers. So, welcome to Hollywood Handbook Insiders Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names and the Report Backline

always with us in the mystery we call showbiz. Mookie's here. What up, what up? Hey, Mookman. Mookie does so many shows

and you've done the other. He's doing the work on the shows and he's doing the work on the shows and he's doing all the comedy right right

yeah I mean when you're here long enough you kind of get a pile of shows yeah yeah and that's what happens and they compile those shows

on a little website called IMDB that's right okay and we're gonna get into it we're gonna get into it right away then into the meat of this thing.

That's good for you to pump it too because the more clicks you get, the more you can get likes on your IMDb. People don't realize this. Your IMDb page can get Facebook likes. Right now, I'm not in control of my IMDb page. I've lost control of it. Sure, yeah. Because I'm not paying for IMDb Pro.

It's expensive to get in there and be able to dictate what – yeah. And there's an embarrassing – my main photo is an embarrassing photo of me in a bathtub. Oh, no. Hackers. So hackers have taken control of your IMDb. They're holding it hostage. It's ransomware. The day that whatever subscription I had ended, somebody – you know like when a celebrity dies and like two minutes

after they're dead their Wikipedia page says like was and it has their death date it was like that the second I lost it somebody went and put the most embarrassing photo of me that someone else uploaded as my main photo and that's like what is on my IMDB page

is it a vengeful axe was it is it your girlfriend what is on my IMDb page. Is it a vengeful ex? Was it? Is it your girlfriend? Oh, I was going to say, is it revenge porn? With some of the new legislation, can we now get this person put in jail?

This is not a personal photo. It was from a project. Project Greenlight. Do you remember? I sure do. Stolen summer. I thought it was maybe the secret girlfriend had put it up, which is something on your IMDb.

It was from, not to brag about projects or whatever. No, it's okay. It's from a little show called Don't Trust the Bee in Apartment 23. Okay. I'm sitting in a bathtub full of strawberry jam. Did the bee take the photo? No. I don't even know who did.

I think it's a screen cap, screenshot. What do they – I hear instead of strawberry jam on the show, you know, to like get the right look on camera, they use blood. Is that true? They color the – it was eucalyptus gel, but they color, they use blood. Is that true? They color the... It was eucalyptus gel, but they color it with human blood. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Because blood does not really look like...

No, it doesn't right away have the right texture. You would need to plan really far ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I have a bucket of blood that is about jam congealed now. But that's from almost two years ago. When you were auditioning for that role. Well, let's talk about it.

We auditioned for the same role. Yeah, it happens. And the blood was too liquidy. BYOB, bring your own blood bucket. And so, let's talk a little bit just about this episode we're gonna do yes we cannot use any of this this is just for you know that's

too topical because don't trust the bees already i'm falling into my old habits too time stamped yeah so you can't do this uh adam sacks our fearless fearless leader. We've been canceled for a couple years now, but... Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but not that long, but it's pretty fresh in everybody's mind. But Adam Sachs, our fearless... And what if it comes back by the time this airs? Like, if we're going to do an evergreen episode, what if it's back? Shut up! That's true. Well, I'm just explaining to him. I'm talking!

We're not using this. Exactly! Adam Sachs, our fearless leader here at Earwolf, gave us a little bit of a directive Where he said, guys, you have to have an evergreen episode You have to record one where there's no specifics You don't talk about anything political Any of the movies, any pop culture stuff now

Because we need to have something in the chamber Ready to be released So we want to do this evergreen episode It's September 2016 now But we want to do this evergreen episode it's september 2016 now uh but we wanted september 8th yes but we want to really be able to release this at any time in case something bad happens yes in case something bad happened you know hayes and i are on the same flights a lot stuff like that where he goes like in case something happens where you guys either can't release an episode and we need time to prepare a statement

about how you're dead, you're in a coma, you don't exist anymore because it would have to be that because we do the show we love our fans too much we will never not do the show we did the show when it was raining oh, I've done it in the rain

once we did the show when I was snorkeling in the rain once. We did the show when I was snorkeling in the lake, you remember? And I surfaced right where a duck had just pooped. Yeah, and some of it got in his mask. Got in through the mask.

And two days later, I did do the show. Yeah. I barely talked about that. We did the show when I had to, and I don't want to get too graphic, and again, we're not going to

use this part anyway, but when I had to go to the bathroom and then I did go to the bathroom and it was difficult and it hurt. So,

we basically will do it under any circumstances. There's no way that they're ever going to release this one and I want to apologize to you, Mookie, this great guest

who we haven't had before and we probably aren't ever going to release this one and I want to apologize to you Mookie, this great guest who we haven't had before and we probably aren't ever going to play this one. It could be a classic episode but people won't hear it. Yeah, well yeah, a disaster would have to happen then. And we can't have you promote anything because it would be too connected

to the time that it was released. I've got a lot to promote. And don't try to do something to a car or whatever. Now my episode will air. You know what I mean? Does this now make me number one suspect if anything does happen to you?

Wow. I'm just saying it won't work. I'm just bringing it up to say it won't. The bottom line is Hayes is stronger than a car. Yes. We found that out the hard way. By trying to hit him with a car. As a joke.

As a joke. We did this demolition derby thing, and we thought it wouldn't be funny if the whole thing is all the cars are trying to demolish Hayes instead of demolish each other. And long story long, all the cars got smashed up by Hayes' fists. Wow. Yeah. And he ate one of them.

Okay. Is there any situation where there would be a sort of time capsule, like could we say in 10 years or something like that? Like Carl Sagan would send this into space on like a gold vinyl album or something? I think we want. Or we give a future date where you say, okay, if nothing's happened in 20 years, 30 years, 50 years, we open it up and we release it just for the. Well, this leads into something I wanted to say that is not time sensitive. In 50 years, if we're all still single, I think we should get married, the three of us. And I assume.

And Sean and I have been saying this for a long time, with you specifically. From the way the marriage laws are going, I think it's going to be okay for three of us to get married because some of the changes they're making just recently, it seems like it's a free-for-all out there. That might be too normie in the future. Yes.

For three people getting married? That's the risk we're taking is if the three of us get married in the future. Yes. For three people getting married? That's the risk we're taking is if the three of us get married in the future. Is that we seem kind of square, kind of vanilla. But let's all promise to do it, don't you think? I think that would be great. You say if we're still single. If we're all still single. Assuming we're all single now.

Well, we are. Neither one of us are married or anything. Yeah. Right now, yes, we are. Neither one of us are married or anything. Yeah. Right now, yes, we are both single. And then what's going on for you? Oh, good. Oh, good. Okay, great.

So maybe for the purposes of this, we should not say, so it is evergreen. We should not say whether or not the three of us are married. Right. Because if this does have to come out 50 years from now, it is possible that we'll be married when it airs. So we shouldn't allude to whether or not we're married one way or another. So then it can apply to any time. But let's get into some-

Maybe everyone's married. In the future, everyone's just married to each other for equality. Yeah, that might be what it is, is everyone's married to each other and to the stars. Isn't that beautiful? To talk about Carl Sagan again. Let's get into some of the topics that we wanted to cover in a safe way. Because this show, we talk about movies and Hollywood entertainment. I don't know.

Yeah, you haven't done it before. Yeah. So I guess I will just say, did you guys see the big movie? Right? Yes. That's a good, yes. And we can use this whenever. Yes.

Okay. It would help to get one in my head. Like what's big now? Snowden. Snowden. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Snowden's having a huge run at the box office.

And we won't use this because we can't talk about Snowden specifically. I am scared of some of the pushback that could happen from seeing Snowden because I saw it, and I was walking out, and I think I was followed. Yeah. Wow. Because of the information I had. Yeah. Well, that thing – I went to a screening,

and they actually put a piece of paper over the projector screen. So it was a blank screen because they can, of course, you know, get into those projectors and cameras and sort of see what we're doing and see what we're watching. Yes.

You have to tape audio. Yeah. NASA. Yeah. They get in there. And even though they have to scramble it, they have to scramble the audio. I had,

I was eating my popcorn and I realized that the bottom half, which is all normally like kernels and stuff was all flash drives. And so then I'm eating my popcorn and I realized that the bottom half, which is all normally like kernels and stuff, was all flash drives. And so then I'm eating flash drives. And then when I'm going to the bathroom, I see somebody in a little scuba mask come out and is plucking the stuff out. A hacker. Oh, my gosh. A hacker. A hacker.

Had hacked into the plumbing at Earwolf and was getting in the pipes and taking the flash drives, which I don't know what was on. So here's the thing, even actually about you saying what's the big movie, I wonder if after Snowden, the government will no longer have movies be legal. Certainly big ones.

And so we don't want to necessarily say there is a movie and that it's big because that time stamps this in a way. Yes. And there's got to be evergreen. So maybe it's like less about movies and stuff and more about like VR machines. Yeah. Or just like a book.

I mean, are we still going to do that? Yeah, we could talk about a book. We know that there are more Game of Thrones books coming, correct? Yeah, the new Game of Thrones book. Okay. And I don't mean to take over here, but. No, Mookie, please. I mean, yes, you are dominating a little. Okay, okay.

Like, you know, don't make a habit out of it. Well, Hayes is pretty sensitive about that. Getting steamrolled. It's not possible for it to happen to me. No, you're stronger than a car. Yes. What were you going to say? Game of Thrones?

Game of Thrones book. What do you mean? Is that like a new kind of book? What are you talking about? Is Game of Thrones book an ancient book? Mmm, yeah. Mmm, that... Cuneiform?

Sure. I mean, the subject matter certainly is archaic. Yeah, okay. So it would help, I think, for you to just explain what this is. If I could say something smart about Game of Thrones outside of this, they're actually history books. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, actually, if you know anything about history, they're actually, you know, it's these fantasy, ooh, it's dry. They're actually history books. Yeah. Yeah. It's called allegory, folks. Yes. No folks but go ahead well the Game of Thrones

series are a series of books written by a fat old man and that we can always say we're still going to have that in WALL- And they're – it's – We're still going to have that.

They're considered – In WALL-E. Yeah. In WALL-E. They're considered fantasy novels, but they're about basically a sort of fantasy world in which there are several factions and families and areas of the world that are fighting to be in control of the world. And there's like a brave king. There are brave kings and there are kings not as brave. Is there anybody strong? Oh, wow.

Sam probably reads that and is like, oh, that's me. Yeah, right. Hey, we actually shouldn't use engineer, Sam. Oh, my God. probably reads that and is like, oh, that's me. Yeah, right. Hayes, we actually shouldn't use Engineer Sam. Oh, my God. Yes, that's right. Just because we did get that email and he's not going to be like, if they release this more than three months from now, he's going to be like. Right.

He's not going to work here. I forgot about that. Yes. Did you get an email recently about that, Sam? Putting the headphones on. No, I did not. You didn't get it. You didn't get it?

Okay, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, because I didn't see your name in the email. They emailed everyone at the company. What was it about? Just house cleaning. Oh, nice. A little house cleaning.

A studio cleanup and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, in a manner of speaking. It was about, it was Adam Sachs asking if anyone. I love Adam. He was asking if anyone had a motorcycle bomb. Not for anyone's specifics motorcycle. Mm-hmm.

Just like if anyone. Motorcycle bomb? How did you smoke out of it? No, no. I didn't say. That's, no. I didn't say. That's funny, but I didn't say. I wish I had said motorcycle bong, but I said bomb. That actually could be really funny.

Mookie, this is going to always be topical. Sure. You get blazed lately, man? Yes. You see any of that con buzz? Man, I don't touch the stuff. You smoke it. I hate it.

You don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me feel really uncomfortable the stuff. You smoke it. I hate it. You don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me feel really uncomfortable and paranoid. It's good. It's fun, though, to watch. Yeah. It's fun to watch other people do it.

It's fun to sort of get in the circle and say, no thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It keeps somebody's holding it right up in front of my face. And you go, I'm good, man. I'm good.

Yeah. But you enjoy. I'll skip the puff puff and I'll go right to the pass. Yeah, pass it on. Yeah. But you watch shows. And nothing is cooler than handing a joint to a friend. Oh, yeah.

No, that's Clint Eastwood. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's original badass stuff. What I like is my high school friends who would be like, my addiction actually runs in my family. And I would be like, oh, I respect that. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. Dude. That's badass. Yeah. No, that's

legendary. Yeah, I like telling people I have asthma. You know what I mean? Just let them know, like, yeah, I've been around the block and back. Yes, I would do it. And I basically have done it. Oh, yeah, I've been around the block and back. Yes, I would do it, and I basically have done it.

Oh, yeah. I'm basically doing it already because just breathing for me is as difficult as smoking is for some people. Sometimes I'll be hanging out with friends, and, like, I'll, like, just take, like, a little puff, and I'll, like, full-on have a panic attack. Can I stop you? We maybe shouldn't say that you're hanging out with friends just because this is going to put this on a specific time. Yes. And honestly, sometimes when people get married,

they do lose a lot of their friend groups. Just because it's like any of their single friends now feel weird. And imagine if you're married to two people. Imagine what that could do to your different friends. And you just want to stay home and watch TV most of the time. Yes. Well, that's what it winds up being. It's comfortable.

And it's nice, but we don't necessarily want to say TV. But in terms of the entertainment. I don't want to stifle you. No, but this is what we'll still. So here's how to keep it evergreen, so to speak. In terms of the entertainment you consume, if you don't like smoking that stuff yourself, you do like watching people do it and listening to them do it and talking about it. You must like that. Of course.

Yeah. What are some of your favorite Chiba Hawks in the business? Yeah. Sorry, could you clarify Chiba Hawks? Oh, Chiba Hawk. Okay. And that might not be, who knows, with different species dying off and stuff, there might not be any Chiba Hawks.

Well, a Chiba Hawk, though, just to define it, every time you spark up a kind bud who comes swooping around, how they know the Chiba Hawks here. How they know. The Chiba Hawks here. How they know. Perfect vision from 100 feet up in the sky of seeing the kind buds running around. Yeah, it's that guy. As soon as you, you know. The second that lighter flicks on, you hear this.

You hear this. Can I hit that? Oh, no. Yes. And I close my eyes and there's a Chiba Hawking movie scene. Can I hit that? Oh no Yes And I close my eyes And there's a Chiba Hawk In movie C Can I hit that?

That's amazing Can I hit that? The song of the Chiba Hawk You gotta do this You gotta do this Character for Lorne man Yeah This is ready

This next character Is called the Chiba Hawk Sup can I hit that? Oh no And it's like You spark the kush Yeah And then what do we hear?, can I hit that? Oh no! And it's like you spark the koosh and then what do we hear? Sup, can I hit that?

The Chiba Hawk. If you say sup, can I hit that one more time, I'm gonna kick you out of this target. Oh, it's the Chiba Hawk's employer. And you gotta straight man yourself sometimes. Yeah, so the audition. No, it's true. Yeah, sometimes in the audition you have to jump into the other role

and hit yourself with the straight man so they know. It wouldn't make sense for you to just, yeah. This guy does both. So can I hit that? No, you can't hit that. Oh, because he can be the crazy guy, but he can be the normal guy. Wow, no, you can't hit that. Imagine you say that to a Chiba Hawk, what would they say probably?

What? They are like they didn't hear it because they're hoping maybe they heard you wrong. Yeah, Subka, hit that. No, you can't hit this. What? What? I said you can't hit this. Oh.

Subka, hit that. Okay. Then he's back at it. Then he's back to it. Feedback loop. And where's Mokie in that mookie's saying basically like no thank you or i'm staying out of it like yeah what's mookie doing because in any audition like scene like that yeah you should kind of have yourself like the real authentic sure of course mookie's kind of um mookie's in the other room with a nice you know beer oh yeah

chugging shotgun yeah sipping yeah don't want to get a stomach ache freaking chandeliers you play chandeliers still Mookie I haven't played in a long time really yeah

wow are you serious yeah were you too busy playing Anchorman or baseball? Yeah, yeah. Or 7-Eleven doubles? Sure, yeah. Yeah. All that. Or that freaking Jenga one where you write, like, waterfall on the freaking Jenga piece.

You pull out and you're like, uh-oh, got to do a waterfall. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'll just, I'll have, you know, I'll have a beer or two. Drink the beer, drink the beer. Yeah, no, I'll just have a beer or two. Drink the beer, drink the beer. Yeah, maybe a... I mean, I don't want... If that's what you use to get loose or whatever, that's cool. But it actually is even more dangerous.

And it's like... They talk about weed as being this scary poison or whatever. Oh, that's so insane to me. Yes. That weed is like illegal when meanwhile everyone's poisoning themselves with this freaking poison drink. Yes. And it's legal. You can get it at a store.

Yes. You can get it at a grocery store. Yes. And like eating chips with like, that's poison. Chips are poison. Yeah. Chips are more poisonous. With additives?

Chips are more poisonous than weed. Weed, whatever happened from eating chips and driving is you crash because you got a face full of them. Sure. And the barbecue dust is on your fingers. It gets in your eye and you get blinded. Whatever happened from smoking weed and driving, you just go to the drive-thru again. And chips is addiction. For people, it is.

I tell you what's dangerous. Reality TV. Yes, reality TV. Thank you, Mookie. Oh, God, yes. And this is evergreen. You should want to talk about an addiction. Unfortunately, this is evergreen.

Because there is not going to be a version of this society where we are not subjected to keeping up with the goings-on of some of these cretins. Yes. That are celeb-utards. Yes. We'll be like breathing into nuclear dust or whatever. But there's going to be a camera guy there being like, oh, can we get to like a –

Snooki, can we get a sound bite? You know? Right. And unfortunately, Snooki is evergreen as well. And unfortunately, Snooki does sound like Mookie, and that is not aimed at you. No offense taken. I'm not comparing you guys.

Of course not. You're in here doing, you could do Chiba Hawk. You could do Chiba Hawk's friend who doesn't want to let him hit it. I mean, you got the freakingging entire artillery at your disposal. Yeah. You know what Snooki can do? Whip gloss. I mean, that's what these people are famous for.

Yeah. Snooki herself, and this is kind of the cycle. This is the snake beating its own tail. Yeah. Drinks beer and eats chips. And she is perpetuating that on television and that is she is part of the machine yep and everyone thinks that she's like this honest just like that she's like so real or whatever frito-lay but yes that like the corporations the chips corporation paid for

saying hey why don't you like take some of these chips and eat them on camera even though it's poison and she they're fake chips when she eats them she's not eating the poison ones that they're like forcing you to eat you think yeah they set this they set up these scenarios where it's like it's not even they call it reality tv and it's not even reality it's scripted the chips are fake it's fake beer is fake oh yeah there's nothing real about it there's nothing real about it they're reality tv yes you know they ought to call it? Celebutard TV. I mean, that's what you're watching. You know? Sponsored by Frito-Lay.

Brought to you by how about. And meanwhile, weed, which is from the garden, is like against the rules. Oh, yeah. It's from the Garden of Eden. If you actually read the Bible, the whole Garden of Eden was just frigging kind buds, all different strains. White widow, white rhino, it was all the white ones. White, how, uh, yeah. Cherry. Yeah. And it's a, yes, the forbidden fruit. If people think it's an apple and this should take a chomp of the frigging weed, that's what gives you knowledge. Yeah. And the snake was a corporation and the government. Can you see Adam going, so can I hit that?

Oh, no. Yes, yes. And vegan Eve is like, what would she say? No, you can't hit that. Oh, no, Adam. That would be my pitch to Lauren for it becoming a recurring character. It's what if we see the Chiba Hawk in different time periods? Throughout history.

Got the fig leaf on. Yeah, of course. No, I can't hit that. Show it up. Yeah. You know, Adam's got freaking blue balls for the weed. Of course, man. Cavemen making fire, making the wheel.

You know what I mean? Making fire. First of all, making fire. Year one. You know, they go, okay, now we can, making the wheel. You know what I mean? Making fire. First of all, making fire. Year one. You know, they go, okay, now we have fire. We have fire. We can now light. We can now spark bud.

All of a sudden. That's what they needed the fire for. All of a sudden, with the leopard skin onesie on and the big club. You hear? Sup, can I hit that? Yeah. No ugrog. Yeah, that's good.

Instead of talking about Lorne, we should probably anticipate who the next Lorne will be. Mikey Day. Huh? Mikey Day. Let's talk about Mikey Day a little bit. He's being groomed no he's got he's got the producer bone in his body he's got the producer bone in his body yeah

you know i mean there's some people are born with it and he's an actor so when he writes he knows what an actor will want to say oh yeah he's a natural performer. Yeah. And so he can write, he can act, he can produce. Just like Lorne. And he's just like Lorne. And he'll slide right into that seat. Lorne's keeping that chair nice and warm for him. And Mikey Day, probably within, I mean, if we're saying this is ever going to get released, we're both super healthy, so it would probably not be released for 10, 15 years.

I would say Mikey Day will take over in three years. Who's after Mikey? We might have to be thinking about it. Well, it would be whoever the new talent would be. I mean, I'm hoping if this audition goes well, I would be in the running. Right, that it could potentially be Mookie. Yeah, that's true.

It could be Mookie, Mookie Day, Mikey Day, Mookie Night. Mikey by day, Mookie by night. That's right. Mikey in the streets and Mookie in, Mookie Night. Mookie by day, Mookie by night. Mookie in the streets and Mookie in the sheets. Do we want to say then that Mookie is already running? What will, I'm sure, not be called Saturday Night Live at this point.

I don't think we will have days. No, no, no. We're not going to need them. This would just be nighttime on the first moon. Nighttime on the first moon. And it might be the only show. I mean, we might just kind of be referring to it as the show. Okay.

So in this scenario, in order to keep this evergreen, Mookie's auditioning for himself for the only show that exists, and it is unfortunately a reality show. Because every show in the future will have become a reality show. Please. Yes. Please, the way it's going, and that's addictive, and that's poison. And we should be maybe nicer about it.

I mean, like. No, we're going to want to be able to work on it, yeah. Yeah, so that stuff about... And for chips, like, you know, we don't want to be mean about chips in case. No, that's probably going to be the only food. Right. It's got enough preservatives in it.

And that's good. It'll last forever. No, it lasts forever. It's cost effective. What do you want it to do? Just be gross and all moldy and stuff? No, yeah. You. And it's cost effective. What do you want it to just be gross and like all moldy and stuff? No. Yeah.

We don't want to eat. Yeah. You want to eat freaking vegetables when the whole earth is just dust. Right. What's the safe, like a safe thing that will definitely be around laughing and just like how much we like to laugh. Loving to laugh. Yeah. That's really.

And who are you? Who is this? Sit down. How much we like to laugh. Loving to laugh. Yeah, that's really. Who are you? Who is this? This is the first time I've ever seen you. Sit down. Introduce yourself. Are you applying for a job here, young man? Yes, I am applying for a job here.

Okay. What's your story? What's my story? Yeah, tell us about yourself. Okay. My name is Kevin. I'm an intern for Improv for Humans and Who Charted, and I'd like to apply for a full-time job here as the production coordinator. Okay. Would you be at a standing desk and wear a tie?

Yeah, if that's what you're doing. You're going to have to. Okay, I think I can do it. Don't tell them you'll do it if it's what you're going to have to. Okay. I think I can do it. Don't tell them you'll do it if it's not what you want to do. I think it is what I want to do, though. Okay. I'm just saying don't let them humiliate you in any way and make you wear anything or do anything you don't want to do.

That's just my advice. I love seeing this. The old guard passing the baton. You know? So this will be interesting to see in your future career here. You talked to Adam Sachs about whether or not

you'll get a job, and I'm happy to put in a good word. But if you take that advice, if you take Mookie's advice going forward, and if you do, maintain some self-respect, and don't let people push you around. Yeah, just so that there's no negative consequence where you don't wind up – because let's face it. Stuff gets recorded here. Yeah.

You don't wind up humiliated. Yeah. And having things recorded about you that then just exist online that you don't want to be said. And that's how you're known. You know what I mean? What month is it? It's September of 2016. September 2016.

Yeah. So we're trying to do an evergreen episode. So we do a podcast here. They're not going to release it. Oh, yeah, Kevin. Sorry. I'm Sean. Hi, Sean. We've actually met.

I've actually worked here for six months. Yeah. No, I know. But what we're trying to say is we're recording an episode where there is no time like that. Yes. You know what I mean?

Sure, yes. Time's a flat circle. You've seen True Detective? Just came out? Yes, I have. I think the second season just got done airing. Wasn't as good as the first. Lynchian. Right.

It's almost Lynchian. How do you feel? Since this ever, like when this airs, we won't want people to like know exactly what time it is and things like that. We're just talking about things. Or where we are. Yeah. Speaking of which, I think they just greenlit the Showtime revival of Twin Peaks. Excited for that.

Oh, wow. That's going to be cool. Excited for that. That should be dope. Mm-hmm. So what do we do with this guy? Because I don't know. By the time this airs, he could be the frigging earwolf himself.

He could be the mayor of California. Yes. He could be California's biggest mayor. And at that point, then, we may not want to have him on here and saying some of the stuff that he says, which is like, let's face it, inappropriate. Nasty. Yes. some of the stuff that he says, which is like, let's face it, inappropriate, nasty, dirty, filthy, pervy, scummy, yucky, gross. Yes. I've just met this guy and already like some of his hand gestures and like. Well, he pulled up his shirt and he showed me a tattoo that he has.

And the tattoo is an arrow pointing downwards underneath his belt. And it's all these little golden squares. And it says, follow the yellow dick road. And I go, well, what do you mean? And there's a maze kind of inside the arrow and there's a pen dangling from a string next to his belly button so you can use the pen and i guess follow it down and it's one of those feather pens oh and there's a buxom woman lost in the maze and she's saying like help i'm starving. And Kevin is like watching with binoculars

from like a tower and another tattoo. And he's going, yes, good, good. Yes, and he's got a big bag of, a big cupboard of food behind him too. That he could easily give to this lost, starving woman. Oh, there's like a pneumatic tube running into the, just where she is in the maze that he could be delivering the food and he's

intentionally not. And it's real food. It's not like chips. Yeah. And so, you know, to see that tattoo, I go,

well, there's something going on for this guy. So, uh, yeah, I mean, I just, maybe he should just leave.

Yeah. You may, cause I don't know why, like, like if he's mayor of California or if he's like... So, I mean, here's the saddest thing I can think of. Imagine this. It's September 2016.

Imagine when this airs, he is still doing the same job that he was doing then. I wouldn't even want to get into that. Well, yeah, if he doesn't have this meteoric rise to become mayor of California, as we predicted, but literally it airs, Kevin's in the same exact spot. He's got to listen to this. I would expect if it were like eight months from now or whatever that he would have his own show or something. But what if the great tragedy of this is that he is still doing the camera thing? Yeah.

Yeah, that would really break my heart. So what we'll do is we won't talk to him at all. Yes, I think that's right. We'll take it off, and we'll have probably Mookie just fill in some of the dead space with one of his characters. With a little of the Chiba Hawk characters. Yeah, a little of the Chiba Hawk, yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Or maybe you can use Kevin as just someone to play against. Oh, okay. Yeah, that could be cool. Could that work? Well, yes, that could work. So Kevin. It's sort of like, and Kevin doesn't even know what's going on. This is sort of like reality TV.

So Kevin, obviously you like to get lifted, shifted, hired in the ceiling. You love to get zooted and booted. And what we want to do is sort of capture you, and I'm not going to tell you what's going to happen, but you're sparking up. You're hitting, let's say, like a tomahawk bubbler. With a volcano on top. And you're mowing the lawn.

You're lighting just the side of it and then coming across the top. Yeah, you're mowing the lawn. You're lighting just the side of it. And then coming across the top. Yeah, you're the weed whacker. And as the weed whacker, I want to hear you whack that weed. And I'm not going to tell you who's coming to see you, okay? This feels like bad grandpa. This is a little like a bad grandpa scenario. Where you're the hapless victim of bad grandpa.

So go ahead, let me hear it. And just act like you would. Yeah. sup can i hit that and what did he say to that yeah man no you asshole yo that's what you say there's no story the sketch is over yeah that kills the sketch kind of funny when your game is sup kai hit that as soon as you hit it it's over yeah that's all he wants is the pattern is you have to keep letting him not hit it so he can keep saying sup kai hit that oh i should have known oh my gosh and i worry about you if just like every time a chiba hawk comes around you're you're just saying yes when he says sub guy hit that there's nothing left for kevin and again that goes back to stand up for yourself you don't just

have to give a hit to every chiba hawk that comes a knocking imagine if mary kath from gallagher put her fingers under her hands and then smelled them or under her arms and smelled them and then sometimes i put my fingers under my arms and i smell them like this and then everyone was like yeah me too we all do that well then now you can't do the sketch, can you, Kevin? And for you, Mikey Day would be furious. He'd go, why are you doing that on my show? Sorry for butchering the sketch. Now, do we do it again? We have to.

All right. So the weed whacker is in the shed. Was the tomahawk bubbler what threw you off? I mean, do you need another device? Do you want to be ripping a gravity bong? Maybe you got a pop-off vodka bottle that you sheared the bottom off of? That would help. And I want more sounds of you maybe putting the various components together of your apparatus.

So you've got a trash can. You filled it up with a gallon of water. You got a pop-off vodka bottle. You sheared the bottom off of that. You just got a freaking piece of tinfoil with like a spoon attached to it or something, spoon handle, that you poked some holes in. You got the weed in there. And so you're kind of making – you're pumping it, right?

You're slowly pumping it, kind of jacking off the bottle to get this milky cloud of smoke coming up. And let me hear some of that from you. Yeah, you're out in the shed. So here, you start a little bit, and I'm going to do just one little brief character before the Chiba Hawk comes in to sort of establish something about your character, Kevin. Okay. Pump, pump, pump, pump. But it would sound like this, right?

Shoof, shoof, shoof, shoof, shoof,, pump. But it would sound like this, right? Honey, what are you doing out there? Reading a book. What? I don't think so, punk. You're still you. You think Clint Eastwood would have his wife, that character would have his wife go, Honey, what are you doing in there? You're just a guy. Yes.

And don't be rude. I mean like – This is not – Chiba Hawk is the funny part. We need Chiba Hawk and then straight men and women. This fights the sort of evergreen thing that we're doing but at the same time, let's say, reading a book. Sketches live and die in their specifics. So maybe we decide what book it is.

You know? And maybe it's Gone Girl. Maybe. We don't know yet. So I don't want to give you a gravity bong again because you obviously don't know how it works because you seem to hit it with the sound of a normal bong.

But actually it would have been because the gravity is forcing the smoke up so fast and then you cough really hard and coughing, actually, the cough gets you off a little bit because that's part of what makes you high is it opens up the capillaries in your lungs and lets the freaking weed juice get in there even stronger. Wow.

So, I can't really trust you with that sure so what you're gonna do is just roll up one of those awesome cross joints if you remember pineapple express with seth rogan went viral showing you how to roll a cross joint and it's like better because it's uh has a wide part in the middle and him and franco are like smoking that yes interesting story franco insisted on auditioning for that role and they had wanted him to be the other one and mcbride's the bad guy. So you are going to roll up one of these cross joints

and then you're going to spark that up. And then we'll see what happens after that. And we'll see. We don't know. Yeah. Okay.

And I'll be a character just to get you into it. But my character is going to be there, too. Yeah, of course. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't hear you. Sorry, I didn't hear anyone rolling anything. I didn't hear you roll up.

I didn't hear you have to crumble up the bugs, take them off the stand. Back to one. Rolling, rolling. Honey, what are you doing out there? Yeah, what are you doing out there? Reading Gone Girl. Which part? Clear the landing pad.

Clear the landing pad. Clear the landing pad. Clear the landing pad. This way, Mr. President. This way. This way. Wait, Mr. President, what do you smell? You're smelling something.

Get away from that shed. No, Mr. President Well, actually you should say yes It's the president It's the president You would let President Chibahawk hit your cross joint? Well, but let's see where it goes anyway. What? I can't allow that,

sir. I'm the freaking president. I'm sorry. Of the United States of Chiba. I can't let you smoke it. It's just for me. Superstar.

And then I cartwheel in. I'm Mary Catherine Gallagher. And the real thing we would have, Molly Shannon was in town. Yes. And so Mikey called her. Yeah, yeah. Mikey called her. Well, it's all a big family.

Even if you moved on from the show, you're still a part of the family. What part of Gone Girl was it? Yeah, what part of Gone Girl? You never told us. Your character should know. Watch out for spoilers, my friend. And don't say it's the part where you see Affleck's dick. It's a book.

It's a freaking book. When she's in the train and she's seeing stuff in the windows. Are you thinking of Girl on the Train? Oh, no, I'm not. I think you are. It kind of sounds like you are. That was a pro-mock. From what I know, it is the Girl on the Train.

It's the same character. It is? Yeah. I think they live in the same universe. Oh. Have you taken one single photo yet? Yeah. I think they live in the same universe. Oh. Have you taken one single photo yet? No. You've been here for like 45 minutes.

I'll do that right now. Here, and can I say, pretend to take a photo of Sam? Sure. Don't let him know that anything is weird. It's just going to be... Yeah. It's going to be strange if it's...

Because you were on that email. Yes, I was. Can I take a photo above him so it looks like it's actually on the top of his hat? That's good, because by the time this comes out, we will want... We have an engineer here, but it was not necessarily... An extreme close-up of

just the headphone. Yes! His hand on the board. Does his hand have tattoos? He was saying he's going to get spider webs tattooed up and down his hands. And freaking be like Spider-Man. Like shooting out?

That's expensive. I don't know. I didn't really understand. So we talked about movies. We've talked about Jeeba. We've talked about reality TV. We've talked about books. Is there anything we want to cover?

Newspapers or what kind of phone we have? Or we've talked about what foods we eat. Politics. Politics could be really interesting. I didn't want to touch it, but Mookie, you're the guy who puts his finger on the third rail famously. And with President Chiba Hawk, I could hear you sort of getting at that.

Yeah. Something that we all agree with, which is that Gary Johnson is going to be the president. Yes. He's got my vote. Yeah. Let's talk a little bit about President Chiba Hawk and his latest directive. Yeah, because by the time this airs, yeah, what would President Chiba Hawk be up to? He'll be passing a lot of laws.

Yes. Yeah. A bong in every home. A thousand joints of light are lit. A thousand joints are lit. Okay, yeah. That's all I got so far. We'll need probably four more.

Yeah, we need four more. And Hazel, do one. Yeah. We'll need probably four more. And, and yeah, we need four more. And Hazel do one after. Yes. After your four. That should, uh, uh,

read my lips. No new, uh, uh, uh, waxes, which would be those little wax sticks of weed. I did inhale.

Yes, yes, yes. I have a good one, but when you're done. Bake news. Good. Baked news. Good. Yes. Baked news. I don't know what you're referring to, but yeah.

Yeah, I don't know where I came up with that. And of course, finally, I am not a crook. Weed is legal. Okay. I have one.

Wait, me first. Okay. I cannot tell a lie. I did smoke down that fatty tree. Yeah, brother. That's dope. Mine is walk softly and carry a tie stick. These were all very good.

Yeah. And evergreen. Yeah. And, oh, yeah. Freaking green. With President Chivahawk at good. Yeah. And evergreen. Yeah. Oh, yeah. With President Chivahawk at office? Yeah, evergreen party. Four score and seven weeds a go. Sure.

Of course. Yeah, and now they're just coming. Now I can't stop thinking of them. I'm not going to keep saying them, but now I have like a million. Should we plug stuff that is maybe going to be happening? Yeah, let's go ahead and start plugging things that are going to be happening. For us? Yeah.

Live shows or anything we've got coming out. Performances. I know now here this fest will still be going on in the future. Yeah, no, that'll be super successful. And we will not be appearing in it. Yeah. I know Stitcher Premium will keep making originals. Yes, that will definitely be around.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it'll be called Stitcher Premium at that point. It's called Howl right now. What else is going to happen? Yeah, if you could think about some stuff, Mookie, for like what you will be most likely to want to plug. Right. Well, check me out every Saturday night on Saturday Night Live.

Chiba Hawk is actually permanent host now. And musical guest. And musical guest, yeah. Do you want to do his new single? I'd love to Sup guy hit that Sup guy hit that Sup guy hit that

Sup guy hit that Sup sup What's up dude What you doing Can I hit that What's up dude What's up dude Let me hit that

Let me hit that Sup guy hit that Sup guy hit that What's up dude Sup guy hit that? What's up, dude? What's up, dude? Let me hit that. Let me hit that. So I'm going to hit that. So I'm going to hit that. What's up, dude? So I'm going to hit that. So I'm going to hit that. What's up? What's up?

What's up? Can I hit that? What's up? What's up? So yeah, that's been number one on the radio. And for you, which is now just called Stitcher Premium. And check that out on radio. Yeah, all radio is Stitcher Premium.

All radio is now called Stitcher Premium, which is huge. Yeah, subscribe to Stitcher Premium, and you is now called Stitcher Premium, which is huge. So subscribe to Stitcher Premium and you can listen to that as many times as you want. And we are no longer on Earwolf at this point. No, no, no. Why would we be? That would be... Financially, it's very stupid.

And we were talking about the sad thing with Kevin. Imagine how sad it would be. I didn't want to bring this up. And we were still on Earwolf. But if, when this show airs, whatever, like months and months from now, if we were still doing it on Earwolf

exactly the way it is now. Still doing it on Earwolf in the exact same way we're, you know, three plus years into it. Instead of our plan, look, I mean, like, we won't run this, but like, you know, by this time, we will have gone to Feral with the Sklars. Unless they betray us or something and go alone. No, they stab us in the back.

If the Sklars literally get behind our back and use their secret twin language to talk about some kind of backdoor deal and slice us out of it, then yeah, we'd be fucked. We'd be stuck at Deerwolf for a long time because this feral deal that we're looking at is really juicy. It's a huge choice. That's huge. Plum nectar. Yes. And we're dripping. It's dripping.

It drips down your chin and just ruins your shirt. This deal? Yeah. This is that. It's that kind of deal. It's fuck you, fuck is that. It's that kind of deal. It's fuck you, fuck you money.

You go to somebody who has fuck you money and you tell them fuck you. I thought it was because they're twins. Yes. No, it's both. But it's us and the Sklars. We all host a show together now. It's like sports and entertainment and uh burger king yeah and you

review chain restaurants we have to yeah we go yeah if this is like in the future yeah yeah i think we are all gonna be doing that in fact i think everything will be a chain yeah every car and on every corner there's gonna be to be a French Laundry. Yes. Honestly. Yes. And they'll be selling, yes. Like burgers.

Yeah. Like fake burgers and chips. They're going to be selling like McDonald's burgers. Yes. Yes. Snooki burgers. It's all Snooki burgers now. Yeah. Can I get a Snooki burger with extra JWoww?

Oh, my God. But it's true. But it's true. That's the name of the sauce. Snooki burger with extra J-wow. Yeah, and would you like the situation with that? Yeah, on a situation bun. Yeah.

And Pauly fries. I shudder to think, but it is real. I hate that that's true. We should dedicate this episode to Sam's memory as well, probably. Yeah, that would be nice. And maybe we play a clip of Sam wishing everyone well. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that be nice?

Yeah, we'll put some nice music under it, and we'll have Sam just saying, like, hey. So just saying a nice message to your friends and stuff. And to Earwolf. But this will not be on Earwolf. So it should be to Feral Audio probably. Yeah. Say yes to Feral Audio. Just a message to your fans, friends, et cetera.

Hey, everybody at Feral. Could you imagine if the motorcycle was a bong and not a bomb but like a marijuana bong? And you hit the tailpipe. Yeah. Bye. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.