Hollywood Handbook - Natalie Morales, Our Live Friend

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

Sean and Hayes do a show at the Dynasty Typewriter and they're doing a movie about NATALIE MORALES from acting.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Small, small, small, small. So it was me and Count Chocula. Count Chocula. And Queen Amidala. Yes. And we're prepping Mark Zuckerberg for his Big day Yes

He was so good Well and No thanks to Count Chocula Thank you very much He keeps going like Hey see if you can work my cereal in Hey my cereal's not as big as it used to be And I'm going

No Mark keep it light. Yeah. Do some jokes, you know? Like, maybe they go like, hey, they're going, you know, I don't like Facebook. And it's like, well, maybe it's because I didn't return your Super Poke. Sure. You know, some of that. And Queen Amidala is going, my people.

Maybe mention my people and, like and their plight or whatever. Yeah. And I'm going, do some jokes. Sweat a little bit. Yes. Do that face, that crazy face. Do that. Do the freaking like, ooh.

Do you want to know what I heard? I don't know. I don't know if you you want to know what I heard? I don't know. I don't know if you even want to know this. Whenever you start like that, I'm like, this is not going to be something I like. I don't know if you want to know, but I heard that Count Chocula is trying to get the idea of cereal out there more.

Let it go. I know. Never gonna happen. And so, the way he decided to do that now Let it go. I know. Never gonna happen. The way he decided to do that now is that he would convince Donald Trump to go to war with cereal tonight. No! Yes.

And I heard someone on TV saying it was happening right now. Oh, nasty Trump. During our show. Yeah. And you think that's an accident? Oh, I don't think so at all, because he was so mad that Zuckerberg gave me more credit than him.

Yes. Well, you know what? You know what? This is the best place to be in the world, because it's the only place that there's guaranteed to be no bombing. Mm-hmm. Saved this place and the entire world. Mm-hmm. Saved this place and the entire world. Mm-hmm. No-bomb-a.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names of the Red Carpet Linebacker. We call showbiz. What up, what up? At the new Dynasty Typewriter Theater. Bam! Big pop for that one.

To the guys on the theater, we'll put in applause. We'll put in the big pop. We do it for UCB. We do it for all the theaters. Fake applause. In the best damn city in the world. Yes. We love doing the show.

We love the fans. Oh, that's one of my favorite top five for me. Our live shows are understood to be worse. Of course. Than the free product. Of course. Live podcasts, but specifically this podcast. This show. More so than the specifically this podcast. This show.

More so than the other shows. Do not translate. Yes. And I gotta say, they feel long. We run out of steam. This is the best the show is going to be right now. Yes. Right now, we feel like we have a concept

that'll get us through all the way to the very end, and we have six more minutes of bad feeling. Yep. But what do we do? What do we do if it's a worse show? You get the audience on your side. And to do that, we are going to bring out someone who is very important to this show.

Yes, we have a big guest that we're going to introduce, but first we want to talk about somebody who has been helping out a lot on the show lately. Someone who that we make fun of a lot. Who that we? Sorry, but we all caught it. I mean, I could let it go, but I'm not really doing anyone a favor, because then they're like,

was Sean the only person that didn't hear that? It's like, no guys, I'm on your side. Well, people are dying in the Middle East, so some of us can't just let that go to do jokes. Unbelievable. Someone who has been, or who that we find to be,

really wonderful, huge part of the show, more recently than in the past. Wasn't there with the show in the beginning but now is an essential component of it and I don't think we would still be doing the show without him. And we give him a hard

time a lot on Mike but we do want to take now that we have all these people here a little time to celebrate this guy. A special someone. Kevin! Thank you, Kevin. Kevin, thank you for bringing Bosch out onto the stage. This is Detective Bosch.

You are scaring him. Season four drops today. Yeah. Of the show based on his misadventures. Yeah. He doesn't let the law get in the way of justice, does he? Yes. And he has a lot of ideas about how police work

should be done that don't necessarily agree with the chief. Well, he's old school, baby. The bureaucracy is maddening. Kevin, get the fuck off the stage, man. Was I being weird? As far as him? No, you were handling it well.

That's what I thought. Because I had this hot feeling on my back. Yes, I know. But I couldn't see him. You were blocking him, which I appreciate. That's why. Yeah. But no, you were being cool.

I mean, it's just like, what the fuck was he doing? I know. So yeah, Bosh has been a big part of the show. Is he doing a big pee-pee? I can't see him. He's under the table. Just do one in unison big pee-pee if he does start. If he pees, we do need the whole audience to pee.

Just so it's not like on him. Yeah. I mean, like his favorite movie, Billy Madison, where that did happen. Yes. That happens in that movie.

You guys remember Billy Madison? Should we auction off one day with Bosch? Okay. How much bucks? We do a bachelor auction for Bosh It's a Boshler auction I came up with that Alone So just shout out numbers

Oh come on. Yes. $20 on stage. I don't think he has it. We, uh, they put the lights on the crowd as if that's what we want. We want to hear money. We don't want to see any of this. If you bring up 20 bucks, we'll let you take Bosh on his dream date, which is a long walk across the stage

back to where Kevin's standing. Yes. He didn't have the money. You were right. What a fakey. Yep, you were right. I don't mean the skateboard trick. Remember?

Yes. Any other amount of money. Okay, well, Kevin? Kevin? Kevin, nobody bid on Bosch except for two fakies. Kevin, you got any cash, man? And so you win the Boschler auction, but you have to pay. I have to pay?

Yes. Can I see your wallet, please? He's so millennial. No, that was my mom. Mom? I have one thing to report, okay? Just the beginning. Mom has news from the church bulleted.

What a scoop. I don't know what it is. You would never get a scoop like that on our pre-recorded show where the sound's better. Yeah. Is it time to bring out our guest? Definitely. Well, then let time to bring out our guest? Definitely. Well, then let's get her out here. You, of course, know her from She's Gonna Be On Our Podcast.

Actress Natalie Morales. Natalie Morales. Natalie Morales. We stand. Yes, you pick. Do you want to do the end? No, in between. No, not.

Certainly not on the end, no. I don't know. Am I the Jesus or the Judas? Oh, wow. Did you guys watch? Did y'all watch? Did we watch what? JC Superstar.

Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, wow. I do a really good impression of Peter. Show us. Have you done it on the show before? I did, yeah, just once. It was about two days ago. Only one time you did that?

Okay. It's only come up once, and I think it was on the episode that came out on Tuesday. Okay, cool. Who played Peter in the NBC version? Ooh, who played Peter. He was sort of a rocker, like a goth rocker, almost like a Criss Angel legitimate badass.

I believe it was Chris Angel. Oh, really? Yes. He had that voice that freaks your mind. And the dance moves, well, they were okay. Natalie Morales. Can I say something? Yeah.

I wish you would more a more instead of more a less. Less. Okay. Sorry. I stunted your joke. Oh, he did that. They knew not to wait until I explained it to laugh. They wanted to right after

I said more a more. Oh yeah, whenever Hayes is, you know there's an idea. Yeah. Just because it hasn't made it to his mouth yet doesn't mean it's not gold, baby. Good to know. And we're excited to be working with you. Again? Yes.

So incredible. Not in a pay capacity. I don't know. You guys don't get paid for this? For this show? Or just I don't get paid for this? Yeah. I mean, that's a larger conversation that we are

never going to have. Right. Just in terms of podcast guests being paid, it's like, what are we even talking about? Let's just have fun. Let's have fun! Right? It's supposed to be about fun. I'm here to kick it with my friends. We're all real friends in real life. The audience, the host, the

guests. What are we all talking about? Money! Come on. I honestly forget all the time that I am getting money. That I am technically, yes, I'm getting money, of course. But for the guests, it's like, hey, we're hanging out. It's crazy. It's crass. I feel like I should move back because I'm really playing some tennis over here since you made me sit in the middle.

Oh, right. The net doesn't move, though. Right. I don't know if you, I mean, you know tennis better than I do. I guess what you're saying, I'm the net? I think you'd be like sort of the chair umpire. Right, yeah. Like a line judge would just have a clean line

and of course the players are only on one side and the net's doing nothing. It's inanimate. But the chair umpire, he's on a swivel, baby. Yeah. The net is not an anime. It's a live action movie.

I'm thinking of Wii Tennis. Right. Speaking of live action movies. Oh, great. Natalie. Oh, boy. We've invited you here. Why? Speaking of live action movies Oh great Natalie Oh boy We've invited you here Why? For a bit of a dual purpose

For a bit of a what? Not only are we recording a podcast We're also making a hit smash biopic About your life Do you know what a biopic is? I believe it's a biographical picture. Okay, good. That helps me.

That helps me. I thought it was biopic. It sounded like a way that they maybe analyze a mole. Right. And then I thought it was a pic that's by ourselves. Which it is. And so I was

right about that. And I also thought it could be a pic from Biodome. Yeah. Starring longtime friend and real life guest of the show, Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore. So, Biodome

aside, we are going to make a biopic and one of the ways we do that is we sort of pick your brain a little bit, don't we, Natalie? It's about you. Did we mention that? You did. Okay. Okay, great. All right.

Good, good. Let's pick it. The brain, I mean. We obviously know your story. Obviously. So well. And we know all your credits and your early life and career. And other categories. And all the categories that would be on a Wikipedia page that we do not need to consult like right now.

Right. Mm-mm. It wouldn't be great in this moment to have your Wikipedia page appear behind us projected on a screen or... Oh my god!

Oh my god, we don't need this crap. That's so wild because I was just saying I don't need this. Who makes these this Question one Do we still have that hat? I do Why isn't it here tonight On that head

I didn't know it was a Buster Keaton night Tonight is Buster Keaton night I would have worn it It's a dynasty typewriter They like old cool stuff I do look old and cool there Yeah It's a Dynasty typewriter. It's true. It's a whole thing. It's old stuff. Yeah. I do look old and cool there. Yeah.

And almost like my wrist is about to break. Yeah, from thinking so hard on it. Yeah. At Comic-Con. Yeah. They ask you a really tough question at Comic-Con. Hayes and I are young, too. Yeah. We're also very young.

It's one of the things people really enjoy about us. So, the story starts interior, Kendall, Florida. Yeah. Fade in, Smash cut to baby. Just chilling. Doctor's like, I think this is gonna be a good one.

The ABC Family series The Middleman speaks in the room. Not quite ready, they say. We should, like, maybe we go through, we ask a few questions about her life as we go. Good, good. Instead of going straight into the thing. No, please.

No, I know. I see you participated in the University of Miami's Dow Jones Minority High School Journalism Workshop. Is that right? Let me first say this is one of the weirder things that's ever happened to me. Secondly, I'll say, yes, I did participate in that workshop, and I don't know why it's on my Wikipedia page.

Natalie, is Dow Jones related to osmosis Jones? It's his aunt. Oh. Can I say just a little peek behind the curtain in terms of you saying this is a weird experience for you? Yeah. What we had with Natalie, which is the experience with every single one of our guests,

is we meet them before the show and we ask, so did you listen to any episodes? And they go, I did. It's true. That's the exact inflection and phrasing that we get every single time. Is that correct? It's not an exaggeration, at least on my part. No. A follow-up question feels forbidden.

Great. And there's no elaboration coming. So, can I hear? I'd like to meet someone, Natalie. Is that okay? Sure. I would like to meet the character you played in the

video game version of Pimp My Ride. Well, that's a really interesting question. Here's why. They used my likeness and not my voice. Oh, so in a way, we've already met this character. Here it is. Ready? Okay. Did they have you record lines just so they could throw them out?

No, they didn't even have me do that. They took a bunch of my pictures in a hotel room. It was... I got paid $300 for it and it was very weird. Wow. Okay. So did you maybe put this on your Wikipedia page? I wish

I had. I wish I knew how to edit a Wikipedia page. It's hard. I don't know how. Yeah. And it's expensive. It's hard. I don't know how. And it's expensive. And who is doing this? They won't let me have one. I get it.

That's true. Somebody made one for me and one for Hayes, fan of the show. Thanks, guys. Hayes' is still up. Mine was removed. It was determined I had not made a significant contribution to the television landscape. And then the top thing on Hayes'

says best known as one of the hosts of Hollywood Handbook, which is just a little salt in the wound. Well, it says with Shawn Clements, and your name is a link, but it links to... It's red. Oh. We can check.

No, no, yes, right there is good. Yeah, you can click Sean Clements. See, click Sean Clements right there up top, and it goes to the page of Earwolf. But tonight's about Natalie. We're talking about Natalie. Back, back, back.

Yes, please, let's go back. And here's a promise. I'll pay podcast guests when I have a Wikipedia page. I'll learn how to make a Wikipedia page so that I get paid for this. You know, it's fun to play Pimp My Ride the video game, isn't it?

Did you ever play the game to see what you were doing? I did. Did you ever buy the game? No, remember when there was that I don't know if it still exists, it's like that Netflix thing, but for video games. That was in 2010. Gamefly. I was going to do a funny answer.

Oh, okay. That's okay. We can do that. Well, hang on. Let's back up. I didn't even bother buying it. We can edit it. Hayes likes to be cued up this way. Say something really funny.

No, I heard you do comedy, man. Say something funny. You work in comedy, right? Crack me up, man. I fucking love to laugh. I love comedy, dude. Okay. You ever seen Louie?

Come on, dude. Okay, a big egg. So, Netflix for video games. What was it called again? It was called... Oh, man. Natalie, just give me something. Anything. I liked...

Oh, man. That wasn't enough. Oh, okay. me something. Anything. I liked... Oh, man. That wasn't enough. Oh, okay. I need a specific. I need a hard answer. I need it right now. Kevin, I hope you're thinking back there, too. I have nothing for you, Hayes.

This is on you. Maybe we can come back at the end of the show. Yeah. Okay. That would be really good. Yeah. And maybe the audience will have some suggestions by then. I'm sure

that'll be something I can make fun of and not have to do it for real. Now you're in the power position. Yes. Yeah, I think I get my best ideas as soon as we're finished doing the show. Yes. Me too. A lot of funny stuff coming to me back on the drive home from the

record. Record? The record. On the drive home from the record. Record? The record. Yeah. So you became the Gamefly and you played this game. I did. It was a horrible disease. No.

Yeah, I should have bought it, thinking back, because I would like to own it. It's a very sort of square version of me. When, what year was that? 2006. Yeah, it was really square and weird. Okay. I wouldn't say you are round in your normal life.

No, no. Sure. I meant you know, in the way that 2006 video games weren't exactly human featured. That's right. Who was the guy? Exhibit? That's who was on Pit My Ride? Exhibit was Pimpin' Your Ride. Yeah. Also, when you're picking rap names, why Exhibit? That's who was on Pimp My Ride? Exhibit was Pimpin' Your Ride, yeah. Also, when you're picking rap names,

why Exhibit? It starts with an X. True. X is a cool letter. X gonna give it to you. X to the Z. And imagine... That's DMX.

Yeah, but it's also Exhibit. Yeah. I hate to tell you. Yeah. DMX, honestly, D gonna give it to you because you know I want that D sorry

there's kids here are there? Hayes' kids yeah anyway me and Exhibit were square people talking to each other about a car did you meet Mr. X? No, I was alone in a hotel room with a guy taking my photo. But he wasn't at least sort of there, you know, giving out?

No, in spirit, no. Just a man taking a photo of every inch of my body. Does anyone remember, there's a part of one of the Exhibit songs, it was a solo song. And if you remember, he had a very gravelly voice. That's DMX. But it's also exhibit. And he said, and here's what I remember him saying. Triangular push-ups.

And he's in very good shape. Sounded pretty cool. I mean, it painted a picture for me. Like this? I guess. I mean, I always known those as diamond push-ups. Yeah, if you extend the thumb. No, Natalie.

Oh, what? People are always trying to demonstrate push-ups in our live shows, but they can't hear when you have to put the mic down. We should have told you not to demonstrate push-ups. I'm sorry. It was a private moment. You, of course, in 2010 or something, began appearing in the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation.

Yes. Yes. Appearing as Lucy, girlfriend of N.D.'s... I'm sorry, not touching that. Thank you. Actually, can you hand me my 10,000-foot pole? Thank you. Actually, can you hand me my 10,000 foot pole? Thank you. Was that fun?

Yeah, being on Parks and Rec was super fun. Master of none. Okay, yes. Money never sleeps. Is that true? You know, I've seen it sleeping a few times, but I felt like it was maybe napping and not

fully sleeping. Pretending to sleep. Right. You know, just resting its eyes. Are we talking about that Geico stack of money with the eyes? Yes. Yeah. I always feel like somebody's watching. Geico stack of money.

Yeah. Yeah. So you acted against the Geico stack of money. Yeah. You were with Aziz or whatever. It was me, Shia LaBeouf, Geico stack of money, Yeah. You were with Aziz or whatever. It was me, Shia LaBeouf, Geico stack of money, and Aziz Ansari.

And Marty. Yeah. Marty, right? And Marty Sheen, baby. No, Marty Sheen isn't in that. No? They couldn't get him? I don't think so.

And money never sleeps. Martin Sheen's not in that. No. Can we click on it, please? Is he in it? No, that's Michael Douglas, buddy. Michael Douglas. Oh, okay.

And this is what I do for my guests. I'm so generous. A lot of people want to be the one who's right on their show. Me? I'm clutching his straws. Okay. Is Martin Sheen. I...

We do not have to read Michael Douglas' Wikipedia page. I know how it ends. He gets sick from pussy. He gets... Imagine what balls do you have to have to be like publicly announced that you got throat cancer from giving your wife cunnilingus

and still be married to your wife. Well, I got something inspiring to say, though, Hayes. That's not where his story ends. In many ways, it was just the beginning of a new journey. Yeah. To the couch where he has to sleep for a month. I mean, right? Yeah.

They probably got two bedrooms. So later you were cast as Chelsea Handler's best friend, and are you there, Chelsea? Makes sense. She's young like us. So we want to take people on a little bit of your journey. Great. I don't think we're leaving anything out, but...

Nope. Could we sort of sit in the room with you while you audition to play Chelsea's best friend? So you mean before I knew that I was me and a Korean guy and a black girl were all going to get fired and recast and replaced by one Asian girl because there was too many ethnic people on that show.

Yeah, we want to be... Before I knew that. We want to be a little bit before that. Okay. But you remember, because you've been on the other end of that too, because Aziz was supposed to have three ethnic girlfriends on parks and

then they said maybe just one, maybe we just fire all of them, we just have Natalie. So it all comes, it evens out. I won. In this business. It does. You're right. Do we want to go to that audition that we were going to go to? Please, let's get into the audition.

I guess, Hayes, do you want to be operating that audition that we were going to go to? Please, let's get into the audition. I guess, Hayes, do you want to be operating the camera? That really sounds like a great spot for me. I will be, of course, reading with you. Chelsea, of course, is not here.

She wouldn't be at the audition. This is not the scene. Even like a fun version of it. I don't want anyone to be expecting Chelsea to show up in this scene. I mean, she was there. She was there?

And that's a lie. There's just no way. It was a lie. Natalie, I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night. Unfortunately for you. So I do know when I, unfortunately for you. Yeah. So I do know when I'm being lied at. Okay.

Okay, so let's, and now we'll do the same. So I'm reading with you. And you're reading with me. Okay. So you'll read with me. Okay. And just pretend the camera's not even there. So you'll read with me.

I'm reading with you. Uh-huh. Okay. Don't with me. I'm reading with you. Uh-huh. Okay. Don't mind me. Just finishing setting up over here. Maybe you two could just

get acquainted while I figure out what kind of camera this is. So, how was the drive over? Did you get in a lot of traffic? No, the gate was really backed up, but it was fine. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay. How's the camera coming? Ah, yes, Mitsubishi Camera-san. My old friend. It's the character. That's how the character talks. This all happened. Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool. So are you After this busy Day We're going on it's on it's going right now You have to go right now I'm so fucking drunk I'm so fucked up Holy shit I fucked a fucking crazy midget yesterday

I'm insane But I'm cool Can somebody postmates me cigarettes hola Senorita Sorry I didn't hear you come in I'm so fucked up on fucking vodka and shit Oh, damn Did you see the news today about the freaking pop culture

and what Bieber did? Sometimes I want to slap him upside the face, but sometimes I want him to slap me upside the rump. Oh, Chelsea. Hello! I'm here.

It's me, the real Chelsea. I heard a rumor that Trump is gay. And that's bad. I say that all the time. Hey, Chelsea. Did you want to take over this part, reading? Or you're just going to watch? Don't mind me.

Have you met my boyfriend? Oh, yes, we've met. Hello, Mr. 50 Cent. 50 Cent's been operating the camera this whole time? Yep, that's me. Oh, 50 Cent. Wow, 50. Man, when you first came out with some of those DGAF diss tracks,

you really ate their beans. That's me, I like to wrap up a storm. Well, I guess we'll just ease seamlessly back into the scene. Surely there's more to do. I'm very sick. Oh no, Chelsea. It's okay. It's super slow, but clearly I'm sick.

Si, Chelsea. Oh, senorita. That's good. And scene. Yeah, and you got it. I did get it. Of course, then recast. And you didn't get it.

Of course, yeah. No, you didn't have it, but you got it. I got it. Right. Just the pilot. Yeah, you got it, but you didn't get to do it. Yeah. Yes.

What's happening? Oh, more fog, please. Yeah, you got it, but you didn't get to do it. What's happening? Oh, more fog, please. Sorry, I'm in complete control. There's supposed to be more fog just in the middle of the show. Is it going to get... Just hit us with the fog whenever you feel like it. Is this the part of the show that gets spooky? Yeah.

Yes, well, you knew we were going to have to do some of the scary stories from your life as well, didn't you? I did. Yeah. Oh, boy, what's next? CSI Miami. Because it is Friday the 13th, which Ava DuVernay did a movie about.

But I assume it's very scary. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, God. So, obviously, this film will be sort of Pulp Fiction style. I watched the beginning. I was like, where's Jason?

Oh, right. When's Jason going to be in this movie? Uh-huh. Okay. That's it. Keep going. Okay, so anyway, the timeline, I'll sort of jump around. It's very cool. And so we're going to fade back a little bit to 2006, CSI Miami.

And we're just going to be entering the scene where your agent tells you that you couldn't get the main CSI. You mean where he tells me that's okay because CSI Miami was actually a more popular show? Yes, when he tells you that. He tells you that, yes. you that. He tells you that, yes. Alright, are you my agent?

Or am I my agent and you're me? Do you want to be Natalie? I think for this one I should probably be Natalie. I don't know your agent. I'm friends with you. So maybe, does Natalie be the agent? Or you be the cameraman?

The cameraman. That's great. Alright. Most honorable Sony camcorder. Hi-yah! Well, hey yeah well don't mind me just zooming in please it's like i'm not even here uh thank you for calling me in here, Ari from Entourage. I'm excited to hear the news.

I mean, I have a lot riding on this podcast. Y'all want any edamame? It's like these crazy beans. I don't know what they put on them. They roast them up. One of my buddies told me, guys aren't supposed to eat too much of this stuff, but I can't get what they put on them. They roast them up. One of my buddies told me, guys aren't supposed to eat too much of this stuff, but I can't get enough of it. I'll take some.

Geez, I didn't think you'd say yes. I've been eating with my hands, so I can't use these ding-dang. What are these things called? They're freaking like pencils, but you can't write with them. It looks like you bought your own set of metal chopsticks.

Chopsticks. Yeah. You have they look really expensive, but you don't know how to use those? Waste of money. I mean, not bad for keeping my man bun up, but everything else

I just don't know why I have them. Wow. Anyway, I said hi to you. I was interrupted. You're my agent, I know. I am your agent, that's why I'm not talking to you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Natalie, baby, listen. You booked something. I like when you call me that. Thank you. Listen. David Caruso's a real pill. Uh-huh. But you booked a job.

You got CSI Miami, and you're going to be saved by David Caruso. Okay. Yeah. I'm nervous about the pill part. Oh, it's fine. He just likes to always come into rooms sideways. What's that about? He'll never rehearse

why do they give you so much damn ginger I don't mind a little bit of it but geez aloo sorry you were talking he seems to have a lot of power over you I like having him around yeah the filming aspect of this I don't understand

to begin with in 2018 these two schmoes are going to do a show and they need it for the research okay oh got it it's a callback maybe schmoes are going to do a show and they need it for the research. Okay. Oh, got it, got it. Okay. It's a callback maybe in the show. Right.

Right. The sideways thing, what am I I don't know what to expect with that. Yeah, he walks into rooms sideways, he doesn't rehearse, and he exclusively for this part wears sunglasses all the time, even if it's dark out. Okay. So those are just, you time, even if it's dark out.

Okay. So those are just, you know, what makes a man a pill. Why sideways? It's a choice for this character. It has crab-like qualities. Okay. I guess it's Miami, like a stone crab thing. Like it's part of the, just the city's vibe. I can roll with that.

Yeah, so congratulations. You get saved by him. That's huge. There was one. Oh, that green stuff's spicy. What do they call that? Mustard? Is he talking to me?

I don't know him. He's talking to you, Natalie. Answer the guy. Okay. It's called wasabi. Jeez, okay. That affects you in some way? Hey, you think the guy at Pavilions would have told me that?

Okay, that changes things for you, the name of it. I just feel, you know, it's a lie of omission. Like, I don't think they were actively dishonest with me. Right. But they knew it was called wasabi. And they didn't bring it up. Yeah, but he could have mentioned it. No, I didn't ask, but it's like, of course I want to know that before I start eating it.

It was so spicy. Yeah. Okay, that seems good. Thank you for answering. I'm Natalie. Okay. Get out of my office. Bye. And scene.

And scene. Thank you. Thank you. What a journey you've had. Can I tell you guys a really, really quick, amazing story about that? Please, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you mind? We'll cut it out later, but yeah.

It's up to you if you cut it out. Okay, this is a real story. This really happened. This was my first TV show that I ever did. First job, except for like McDonald's commercials. And first day, I'm I'm playing that's not a TV show right yeah uh I'm playing I'm playing uh a main characters on the show's sister who was a model who got kidnapped by a photographer and David Caruso comes into the photographer's studio

where I'm tied up and of course all the flashbulbs are going off for some reason, in like a, what's that called? Like a strobe effect. And there's like, presumably in the edit when you see it, because you're going to go home and watch it. Almost a pulsing strobe effect. Strobe effect, but there's also the music is like, it's very like intense,

and David Caruso comes and rescues me. Strobing music. And I'm tied up to a post, and David Caruso comes and rescues me. Strobing music. And I'm tied up to a post, and the first shot of the day, first morning, first job, first time ever, camera's right here. I'm supposed to be crying. David Caruso is running into the room. And my name on the show, as it was for any ethnic female character in 2006, was Anya. It's just ambiguously ethnic

name. And David Caruso doesn't rehearse, as I said. So, action. He shoots into the room and goes, I'm coming Anya! And and... With a gun, just like, walking sideways.

Yells that, and the camera's on me, and I immediately start laughing. I couldn't hold it together. I was supposed to be terrified, and I lost my shit. And then they call cut, and everybody's like, what the fuck is this girl doing laughing?

And I say, I'm like, he just said, I'm coming on you. And they went, oh. And then nobody talked to me. I was alone, still tied up to this post. Take two, which happened like 30 minutes later. He runs in and goes, Anya, I'm coming. That's the story I wanted to say.

I have a question. Yeah. Has Fallon heard this story? No, but it's a great late night story. Just an excuse. Never tell him. I don't think he would make it out alive from that story. His jaw would unhinge.

His whole face would become mouth. Like in Beetlejuice? Yeah, I guess that's what I was thinking of. They have to vet a lot of the stories on Fallon because they are really funny for his own health. They have to hold some back. Just the enthusiasm is too real. Someday I'll tell that on a late night show,

but you guys got it first. Wow, we should do more stuff like that. We never do that. It's better. It's certainly better than what we do, yes. I have a David Caruso story as well. Oh my gosh. It's real.

Is it about how you kind of look like a young version of him but not that yard? No. Okay. But fair. That's so true. But this is what happened. I believe his daughter went to Yale and so he was in New Haven inside a bookstore or something

when she was touring the campus and my mother's friend was in the bookstore and kind of did a double take I think that's David Caruso and he saw her looking and he walked over and he reached into his breast pocket and he had a small signed photograph of himself and before he took it out he went

yeah, it's me. Is that real? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I love that. I believe it. I have one too. So we grew up together

You and me or David Caruso and you? The three of us Right And you remember one day we were in the back of the class Cutting up What? What are the words that just happened? Cutting up, cutting up

I've heard this story, cutting up, cutting up You're class clowns, you're cutting up Got it, got it of the words that just happened? I've heard this story. Cutting up, cutting back my ass. You're class clowns, you're cutting up. Got it, got it. And teacher was like, you better not. But a little bit she was also like, he's knuckleheads. Yes. Oh yes, I remember.

And it was history. We're studying Italy. As you do. Yes. And it's food day. We each bring in a food. And my food is lasagna.

Right. So. You can see where this is going. Of course. Is this a good time for a bathroom break for me? Is it really, really short? No. No.

So, I'm presenting my lasagna to the class and talking about the history of it and I trip because we're cutting up and I start to drop the lasagna and David Caruso says

I'm coming lasagna that's crazy nuts David Caruso says, I'm coming, lasagna. That is crazy. Nuts. So insane. Oh, yeah. I forgot at the end of my story after he said, after he said,

he said, yeah, it's me, and then handed the picture, and then he went, I'm about to bust. Have we left anything out of your life story? No, that's it. Yeah, that feels like most of it. Yeah. Does anyone have any questions for Natalie?

Should we take, you know, like... Yeah, let's try it. You like have any questions for Natalie? Should we take... You like that, right? First, should we ask how long have we been doing this? Oh, yeah. That would be great. We don't have the song. Maybe Kevin could come up and sing the song. Oh!

Chef Kevin! Can Kevin wait? Kevin can wait. Oh yeah, there's another mic. Kevin made sure there were four mics. Natalie! That's what that guy was doing. Kevin set up the tech for this and they went like, well there's only two

hosts and a guest, why do you have four mics? And he's like, just trust me. They're gonna want a fourth mic. Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. How's it going? Yay! So Kevin, can you please sing the How Long Has It Been song?

Oh, yeah. How long, how long has it been? But it's more like Kermit. You do a good Kermit, right? Well, Hayes and I both do dueling Kermits. Yeah, we have a dueling Kermit. Maybe someone could finally...

Settle it. By applause. Yes! Blind test. Blind Kermit test. Okay. Blind test. Blind Kermit test.

Okay. You're facing away from the audience. Only I'll know. Oh, thanks, Kevin. Who wants to go first? You want me? Kevin's just, you know, thinking about the sonic experience of the show.

It's an advantage to go first, but, or to go second, rather, but I'm willing to go first if you want. Then it's not blind. Well, we're not saying who's going first. So it's just whoever goes. But we have to decide between us. They don't have to listen to this. Right, so we just do... Don't listen to this.

Okay. I'll go first. Second. Second. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here.

Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. Kermit the Frog here. I think we did it. I think we did it. I think we know. And I think we each know who is Kermit today. Yeah. Me.

So let's get some questions. Oh, did we find out how long it's been kevin how long has this been going on it has been 45 minutes that's really good oh that's the longest show we've ever done yeah um uh let's get some questions for uh our esteemed guest from the audience yeah oh wait no kevin sorry you wanted did you have a question oh holy shit yeah kevin go ahead oh From the audience? Yeah. Oh, wait, no, Kevin, sorry. You wanted to do one? Did you have a question? Oh, holy shit. Yeah, Kevin, if you have a question.

Go ahead, Kevin. Oh, Kevin, I'm really sorry. You seem really disappointed that we were thrown into the audience. Can we turn the lights back off, please? Thank you. Yeah. No, is there anybody who didn't pay to get in

that could ask a question? Oh, Kevin, that'll be good. who didn't pay to get in that could ask a question? Oh, Kevin, that'll be good. What was the hardest part of your week? The guy's a killer. I wouldn't have the fucking guts to ask that.

Because I also think I know what the answer is. and guts to ask that. Because I also think I know what the answer is. That's the one thing I don't want to know. Hayes, you know. Yeah, okay, I thought so.

Can we get Intern Andy up here, please? I see him in the crowd. Intern Andy is here too As you can see we have an army of white male toadies I don't know what they see in us Andy wants you to know he was in the middle Of the row I don't know The show?

Yeah Yeah Yeah The show? Of the row In the middle of the row? I don't know. The show? Yeah. Middle? Yeah. Yeah, the show? The row. In the middle of the row. Got it. Oh, Natalie was in a show that has middle in the name.

It was a dramedy. Yeah, it was a sci-fi dramedy based on a comic book by the same name. Yeah. It was called Dr. Middleman. Right. Yeah. I'm sure you had a question. Absolutely, yeah.

Easy. So you notice the distance I'm keeping him at? Andy, reach your arms all the way forward. See, not even close, right? Which one? Who was the first one that did the Kermit scream? He was my favorite. Like just earlier. Do you remember?

I think it was Hayes. Wow, so this is tough for me because Andy only asks questions about things that make him explosively horny. I have never been on this end of that before. I'm usually sort of sicking him on our guests. Yes. And I'm

holding the leash. And now I can feel the leash going slack as Andy turns on his master. Sit down. What was that, 45 minutes that took? That part right there, yeah. Whoa, that's good. How long are we supposed to go?

Oh, yeah, good question. Like an hour. Whoa! Whoa! Gang! We're so close! One thing we were thinking about doing is sort of a big

final climactic scene yeah for the biopic which if you remember i explained to natalie earlier was a biographical picture and the scene was going to need some extras maybe it's like a graduation from acting. Yeah. Should we name this movie? Ooh. I have a pitch. I think I know what it is. Oh, you do?

Oh, great. Let's hear it. What was that bullshit you said when I first came out? Is that Natalie Moore and Moore? I wish you would morale more. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. No, that's not the name of the movie. That is the final line.

Got it. The name of the movie is Woman on the Moon. Like... Like that, yeah. Because you have sort of taken the mantle of Mr. Andy Kaufman. True. And I wonder if you were born at the very same second that he died.

Inarguable. And that his misdreavus spirit shot into your body, his little baby. And remember the doctor was noticing something about little baby. Mm-hmm. And remember the doctor was noticing something about the baby. Yeah. Yes.

And remember also there was a very funny name for like a video game Netflix Hayes was gonna come up with. Right. That we've all been dying to hear. Yes. That wasn't Gamefly but it was something else. Well, no, that sucks saying Gamefly. Yeah. That was not a good poll. That wasn't Gamefly, but it was something else. Well, no, that sucks, saying Gamefly. That was not a good pull.

That was a ruined hazes thing. You're right. We have so much time. I don't want to, like, it's better as like a close, you know, like a big closer. But we do want to do a scene from Woman on the Moon. Right. From the biopic. Do you have a scene that we should do?

Well, it's got to be huge. Yeah. Like the big final scene. Mm-hmm. And it's got to kick butt. Pardon my French. Yeah. And it can got a kick butt. Pardon my French. Yeah. And it can't suck.

What if it's this? Because it's the very end of... My life? Yes. And so it's at this show. Uh-huh. and we play the audience of this show

and we get some people from the audience to be like background playing us. Is that good? It is good. Can we get three people? Can we actually get the lights up please? No one stood up.

Whoa. A hero among them. Just one Katniss Everdeen. A volunteer. Okay, someone stood up really fast. Okay, we can take a look at you. Come on up here. Come up.

Let us get a look at you, boy. Come up, sir. Come now. Okay. Six feet, very white. Sort of like a cool man O'Brien. Yes, cool man O'Brien type sort of. I have a really interesting thing that would

get a lot of buzz. What if this is our Natalie? Yeah. I agree. Right? People are doing that these days. Diversity casting. Colorblind casting. Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Okay. So you're Natalie. Remember that. So

now we need Hayes and Sean. Who is volunteering? Somebody sitting on the aisle. No, not you. That could be Kevin, maybe. Okay. You can be Kevin. You can come up and be Kevin.

Yes. And you actually. Yes. I like your eagerness to help. When we say you can be Kevin, you can actually have Kevin's job. So, you sit there and Kevin, you go sit in his seat. Is Chef Kevin here? That's good. Kevin!

Kevin! Hey, yes. Okay, that's good. You say hey. Close enough. I'm looking at the aisles. People are trying to look very disinterested. I got a hand raised here. Sorry? A hand raised right here.

A hand raiser? Come on up. Okay. A haze or a Sean type. She's all Sean, baby. Come on. Get this damn mic out of my hand. That's our Sean.

Should I give my mic to our Natalie? Yeah, I guess so. Can nobody fall in love during this show, please? This is all I'm asking. We haven't sold too much at our shows. But we have to keep our mics because we're in the crowd. We're talking about the show. And so we need...

I'm loving this. At last, we come to the haze man. Somebody in the front row, in lieu of volunteering, is flashing a peace sign. I have never seen a better encapsulation of my personality before in my life.

Please come up. My friend. Please come up. My friend. Yes, this is me. This is me. Okay, so we sit right here, I guess. Okay.

Facing them like the audience. All right, but I'm not going to be able to play the piano. Oh, okay. Okay, that's okay. Well, we can just sit here. It can be the audience. I'm like a brave audience member and I'm going like, you know what this show needs? A little music.

Well, damn. I gotta say, this is the best show I've ever seen in my life Yeah I Was gonna propose to you During the show But now I don't want to ruin it Right

Because this show is so good There's so much going on That that would make it worse Do you know what I mean? I totally know what you mean. The piano's so beautiful. Yeah. Surely the piano player knows a second song.

Do you think that piano player will kill Natalie tonight? I did. I have been hearing whispers that this is the last night of Natalie's life. Yeah. I don't know the terms of that. Or how it happened. I just know, yeah. That's when it happens.

Yeah. Maybe she'd go to cereal. I hear people are mad at cereal tonight. I mean, he's playing. This guy is crazy enough to play Ben Folds 5 in an audience while a podcast is going on. I know. And then he chose a guy who's like a piano player to do the song of. Yeah. Why would you do that?

He's good at piano. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm probably going to split just because I have a thing right after this. Okay. Okay. You're in the audience with us. Mm-hmm.

Okay. That's because I was. Okay. So you in the audience with us. Mm-hmm. Okay. That's because I was... Okay, so you must get this a lot. When you go up and play the piano, people ask if you want to hang out after the show. Yeah. Yeah. Well...

And you just want to get ahead of that. The tunes. Yeah, I just figure you guys are going to want to hang with me. Okay. Can I just ask one more thing, please? Can we hear one more song? Any song. He seems to almost know which keys are which.

Oh! The piano's broken. That's our show. Is that our show? Thank you, everyone, for coming out. Thank you. Natalie Morales. Yay! What's your name?

EL. What? What's your name? EL. EL. Oh, okay. Fudge? I had to.

Hayes was played by EL. What's your name? And it better be regular words Wilson Okay Making me think of that sad volleyball I guess I've never seen him out from behind the fence before Home improvement

I had to Natalie was played by Wilson Yes, I've never seen him out from behind the fence before. Home Improvement. No. I had to. Natalie was played by Wilson. And what's your name? Sean. No, you're not Sean anymore. Latoya. Latoya was Sean's friend.

Been playing him for the show. Latoya! Latoya! And what is your name? Kevin Bartelt, pro MMA. What? Kevin Bartelt, pro MMA. That's correct. Your new name is Kevin Bartelt, MMA.

Thank you. Thank you, everyone, for coming out tonight. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Dynasty Typewriter. Thank you. Goodbye. This has been an Earwolf production Executive produced by Scott Aukerman Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson

For more information and content Visit Earwolf.com That was a HeadGum Podcast For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.