Hollywood Handbook - Natalie Morales, Our Storytelling Friend

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

NATALIE MORALES returns to the show after telling an exclusive Hollywood Handbook story on Late Night.This episode is sponsored by Squarespace (www.squarespace.com/THEBOYS code: THEBOYS) and Harry's (www.harrys.com/HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. dick and can I just say yes thank you I got really scared that you were gonna say you were in there with Joe Mama and I have we said we would never do it and I have every right to do it because yes we said we were never going to

lay that nasty piece of business on one another but at the same time, we've all been breaking some rules lately, haven't we? And I was worried you were going to say Andy's nuts. Can you imagine if that movie swore you would never do that? And believe me, I consider it. Because, of course, I swore I would.

But we've all sworn a lot of things that we've been breaking the rules on lately, haven't we, Hayes? You'd say it like, I was in there with Andy nuts nuts and I was there with Andy nuts oh and you would just have to take it because you were all you were also listening sort of with your mouth open like oh now I would be well within my rights to do that, wouldn't I, Hayes? Because we've all been breaking the rules lately, especially you. I don't know what this is referring to. And maybe Natalie could actually help out with this because, in fact, she came in and started gushing, just exploding about the LA podcast.

It's the best podcast I've ever heard. I love your podcast. It's the best podcast I've ever heard. I love your podcast. It's so good. And I'm supposed to say. You're the one in the room with a good podcast. And I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs, trying not to just smash the freaking table in half. I'm so pissed off.

Because you're soaking it up. You're lapping it up from the little dog bowl. She's serving you. Oh, thank you. Did you like it? Did you like what we did when we talked about the cops being mean? That hamster,

the little drop of water. I got, I mean, I think this might make you feel better. I've never actually listened to it. I was just complimenting. It's a great show on the, on the idea of having it and

just because it is court ordered does that mean it is not a good piece of content on its own no i mean i said hey that's cool about your podcast and he said thank you so much for listening so he just like assumed right i did i caught that but it's not to be blown by i love your podcast i did not and it's been recorded so maybe we can listen you did say okay and i think that what happened is hayes assumed you met this one which would have been strange really too to just compliment him on this podcast yes yeah but i would say that a lot of the greatest works of art are a product of community service and are because the judge said it's this or the who's gal uh-huh so good job on the podcast thank you good job doing it the great wall of china actually was community service that's how

that got and i think when we're looking at that from space, we'd say, good job. So the podcast is similar. What did you do with those guys? We were filming an episode of News Radio and Scott Adams was there. Of course, the scripts hadn't shown up yet. Have you thought, Natalie, this is so interesting. NBC sitcom. Oh, no. Joe found A pathway

To like To what he's doing now Is that And he sort of laid that Path for you And he's left the Ladder down Who's Joe?

Joe Rogan Joe Rogan Oh right What if I said Joe Mama Joe Rogan And she would have been He did an NBC sitcom And

Did he? Yeah we're talking about it right now he was doing he was on news radio he was? and from there I didn't know that

I only know Jake Ring he was that guy with hair oh he had hair then? yes and he would sometimes fix something with like duct tape and he would go

hey I fixed your remote control and then he'd go here you go and it's all freaking duct tape and he goes oh and it's a taser now too hilarious go. And it's all frigging duct tape. And he goes, oh, and it's a taser now too. He goes, now it's a taser.

That's really funny. It is funny. Hey, it was a funny show. You can't do that stuff anymore either. I'm too young for it. Okay. I'm not going to disagree there. I can't even be the president yet, guys. Really?

Yeah, I'm so young. He awarded you a path. So that's another option. What he did was, if you know the famous story of the man in the hole. Who doesn't know that famous story? And he keeps asking, somebody help me out of this hole. Somebody get me a ladder or something. And everyone's walking by.

And then finally a friend arrives, a Joe Rogan type. And they jump in the hole and he goes, you idiot. Now we're both stuck in this hole. And Joe says, yes, but I've been here before. And I know the way out. And the way out, which he remembers,

is to interview thought leaders. out which he remembers is to interview thought leaders with no matter whether they're considered dangerous right or racist and i don't like to use that word is not dangerous to you to me it is very dangerous. No, racism is dangerous. But he said or. A racist person may or may not be dangerous. Hmm. Right? Oh, wow. Usually. And this is how progressive. This is actually something they talk about on the show a lot.

That, I think, would come almost every episode. You're. So what's the whole he was in? All the ingredients are here. The whole? Yeah, what was the whole? NBC sitcom. Oh, got it. Okay, that was the bad thing. That was... And he got out of that. I guess so.

Yeah. Got it. That's why they call your show Abyss. Or is it why... Or is the hole, you know, a canceled NBC sitcom? In which case, I could follow that path. News radio not around anymore. Yeah, that canceled as well.

Yeah. Yeah. And so is the Abyss. Huh. The Abbeys? The Abbeys. Yeah. The Bees.

Now. The show is Hollywood Handbook. This is on. Oh, okay. We're hosting it. Is that on your LA podcast?

On LA podcast? No. Oh, yeah. You know how you can tell you're not on it? Because I'm here. Because you're here. And it's

that is court ordered funny because i was getting in the sewer a lot to be to help whoever out was inside like that little kid you remember that did you read that story about that little kid who the baby jessica no the kid it fell down at balloon boy no this is a real thing that was fake I'm so sorry to tell you that was fake this is a real thing that happened a kid like last year was at Griffith Park and he was playing by the train station

he fell through a thing and freaking went through all pipes in the whole city and ended up like under the 134 highway you know this story? Yeah, I do a whole podcast about it. Sorry. Okay, fine.

Then why did you act like you didn't know? The news. You're going to tell him about LA. Fine. Okay, Mr. I know everything about LA over here. And so that's what I was doing is going down there with my podcast equipment for the next kid that goes down. Okay.

Yeah. I can be like, hey, so what's the scoop but you're waiting for them too to set you up with the line and go you idiot now we're both stuck down here so you can say your famous line yes and a lot of times they don't the whole time a lot of times they go i'm necking right now excuse me i'm necking and then you go like oh so sorry. Yeah. And I call, please. Sorry, sir. Natalie. Hi. Natalie, Natalie.

Yes. You did the show in a sort of different context. I did. Didn't you? With an audience, right? With an audience who is enjoying the show and reacting positively, unlike us. Engineer Sam. And Kevin. Kevin's behind the partition.

Kevin's posing for his school photo, as always. Kevin's throwing me a thumbs up every now and then. I appreciate it. Whenever you look over at him, he does a little thumbs up. Yeah, whenever I look up, he's very positive about my performance. I don't like that. Yeah. You did it on there.

Oh, my God. At the theater. And there was a big sort of a centerpiece moment. They used to. So let me tell you something. They used to take clips of our show and put them on the main Earwolf feed. Oh, they did. The actual Earwolf Twitter.

Yes. They used to do that. Yes. We made it to the main feed. And regularly they would isolate a moment of our show. they used to do yes from the main we made it to the main feed and regularly they would they would isolate a moment

of our show and blast it for the whole world and go this is the kind of shit we're doing over at our fucking operation yeah

right you guys want in or not and now I guess Colin got jealous something happened maybe sometime like maybe we'll go on off book or something,

and they'll take a clip of that and put it on the main feed. But never from our actual show. I think part of it is, and I hate to say this, Conan O'Brien. You think? I think Conan O'Brien is actually jealous of the show. I mean, I understand. He's sort of bogarting the feed. Got it.

Blocking your way to tweet, tweet, pass it's supposed to be. Yes. That's a play on the phrase bogarting the weed. Right. So,

had we still been getting those parts taken out and put on the main feed, the part from your show that would have that happened to would have been

the story you told, which is about David Caruso. Yes. Do you want to tell the story so fast? Just to catch

your listeners up? Just so quickly. Just the really the fastest version you can imagine? They've heard it. No, we don't have a single listener who hasn't listened to every other episode

But It was so long ago So quickly please I was on CSI Miami it was my first job ever Don't need that detail You do need it because I was nervous Probably you mean your first acting job No my first well yeah I guess

So if we do need the detail We need it correct. It was my first television acting job. Okay? Okay. You did a movie before that? I did commercials. Okay.

And I did a lot of theater. I did theater. Let me check, turn on the television. Okay, commercials are on television. I said television show. No, you didn't. Now we go back to what you said about my podcast earlier now is that correct have you ever watched nba games and they do this finger move when they want the refs

to review the tape yeah that's happening this is what we have to do on the show all right my first television show acting job okay thank you and is that we can i'm gonna have to check on that as well it's just the finger you spin the finger in the air and you sort of go, hey, rewind that back. Let's rewind that back. Okay. What show? CSI Miami starring David Caruso. It was the number one show in the world for many, many years.

Fast, this story should be. Right. So fast. So then I was playing a character who got kidnapped. And my character's name was Anya. Huh? By who? Yeah.

A photographer. I played a model. Thank you very much. I got kidnapped by a photographer who kidnapped me, as I said. You didn't have multiple jobs as a model. My character's name was Anya because any ethnically ambiguous character's name is Anya. Especially at that time. Everybody just called. If you were some

kind of brown, they would just call you Anya. I love this detail. We don't need it. We need it. It's so important. You know it's important. I love it. It's great color for the story and for that time period. This is the quick version. I'm setting it up. Stop interrupting me if you want the quick version.

Were you a model on Trophy Wife as well? I wasn't, but I was topless in one of the episodes, which was exciting. On ABC? Yeah, on ABC, bro. On ABC? On ABC, they could do it. They blurred my boobs. The freaking family show?

They freaking blurred my boobs. All boobs channel. Yeah, anyway. So I'm on the show, and the first thing I shoot is... When I'm on TV, they blur my face. Because it's so... Because he's a boob. Because of that nipple nose you have?

You guys are known boob. That female nipple nose you have? Yeah, free the nose pull. The nose pull? If it was a male nipple, it'd be fine. Clearly not. Look at it. It's clearly feminine. yeah um all right when i

sneeze i forgot where i was in the story you guys because when i sneeze i lactate go ahead so that's so gross wow that's so very body positive oh i'm sorry. I think it's actually beautiful. The thing that nourishes all life is disgusting to you. Did you guys want me to bleep that out? Her saying that nipples actually giving people milk to live is disgusting.

Yes, I think we should, for Natalie's sake, bleep out the idea that breastfeeding is vulgar and foul. Yeah. You're right. I don't want to ruin my career over what I just said. It was good enough for you when you were a baby.

You know what I mean? No, my mom refused to. Either way. I don't want to know about that. It's gross. That's gross to me. That's your mom's nipples. I was trying to do a show.

I forgot where I was in the story. So something about the photographer. You're the one that wanted me to tell it. Don't act bored. I wanted you to tell it fast. So long ago. It should be over. Okay. God. I should be home right now.

Okay. God. I should be home right now. Okay. I'm kidnapped. And my name's Anya. We covered that. All right. So David Caruso is coming to rescue me. It's my first day there. It's the first thing we're shooting.

The camera's on my face. David Caruso. It's CSI Miami. David Caruso does not rehearse. The camera's on my face. David Caruso does not rehearse. The camera's on your face. David Caruso does not rehearse. So we just go right into it. We start filming.

He also doesn't really read the lines, but I think this is what was scripted. And does he also always exit backwards? He exits sideways always. He only walks in sideways. He won't ever turn his back. No, he never turns around and he's never facing the camera like you know, squared off to the camera.

100%. Yeah, he's always a pro. They call action. I'm waiting there. I'm tied up. I'm nervous. I'm scared. David Caruso busts in and goes, I'm coming on you. And I laugh really hard because of what he said. And no one knows why I'm laughing. And they call cut and they look at me very said. And no one knows why I'm laughing. And they call cut. And they look at me very mad. And then they realize what happened.

And then a bunch of people confer without talking to me. I'm still tied up. And then they call action again. And David Caruso comes in and goes, Anya, I'm coming. And that was the story. So that story, even better the third time. We, of course, heard it on our show. We assumed it would be exclusive to our show for a period of no less than six years.

Or. You know what they say about assuming things. For the greater of either six years or until Hayes and I get another job and can stop doing this show. So it's whichever comes first, at that point, the story becomes yours again. Instead, what

did I see? But I'm turning on my TV and you're talking to one of these guys. And they are guys. They're guys. Those feminine nipple nos guys. Yeah. Right? They are guys. They're guys. Yeah, they don't have those feminine nipple noses. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-huh. So you're saying that's why you went on? Yeah, because they're real men. Oh. Yeah. That's why I went on Seth Meyers. Okay, so a real man can't have a nipple on the end of his nose. This is so fucking weird.

Oh my God. That is so fucking weird. Oh my God. That is shooting milk everywhere. These outdated traditions of masculinity that we put every man in a box. You can't have a nipple on your nose that shoots milk everywhere when you sneeze. And we're all supposed to live up to He-Man Seth Meyers. And his hyper macho behavior. I'm sorry. I think we need a better path for our young boys.

I mean, maybe you're right. Yeah, maybe I am. And maybe I'm not. I don't know. So you're telling Seth, right? This David Caruso story and I'm steaming just

and also as if you were like telling it for the first time in this way no mention of oh actually I have

kind of a funny story for this show it was on Hollywood Handbook with Hayes and Sean tell the story of you telling it on our show

right here's a story you might like from yeah the story now should not be that that happened at CSI Miami. The story should be

that I once, I once was on Hollywood Handbook and told the CSI Miami story and you could put in Hayes peppering in his funny little spicy asides.

How could I forget those? And then me, my expression where I'm like, what? That's part of the story. And how nice the crowd was.

Yeah, yeah. I mean mean that was the best part and instead of that what did we get we get nothing no mention at all we don't I mean the fact that we don't even put in the contract anymore not to tell the story

after six years because we are assuming it's understood I'm really sorry guys it was my fuck up we need to be made whole Not to tell the story after six years because we are assuming that. It's understood. Yeah. It's understood. I'm really sorry, guys. It was my fuck up. We need to be made whole. You need to be made a whole? Made whole.

We are owed something. Okay. Three funny stories. Right now. She hears the maid hole. That's where her maid sleeps. Oh, no. That's what she heard. That's where her maid sleeps. Oh, no. That's what she heard.

Natalie, that's what you thought I meant? Yeah. You can see she's mouthing it. She's like, where the maid sleeps? Maid hole? That's disgusting. No, it's really clean. She keeps it really clean.

She's a maid. Yeah, but that's when she's at work, she does cleaning. She cleans her own space. She doesn't want to do that. It's kind of like a dog kennel. You know, they don't shit or eat in there, you know? They keep it clean. I don't do a lazy podcast when I get home.

I do it here at work. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then when I get home and my wife goes, hey, do a lazy podcast for me, I go, please get off my back. When I'm home with my wife, I want to do a podcast where I'm coming up with stuff ahead of time. Where I'm doing research and pulling clips. Where people can follow it.

Where it takes fewer than 15 episodes to acclimate yourself to the tone of the show. Where there's a ceiling on the audience you can reach that is higher than like, what are we, 40,000? audience you can reach that is higher than like, what are we, 40,000? I have a producer for my home podcast who's doing more than sending a text the day of being, remember we have a recording tonight. Reminder, none of them are out.

I understand. It's hard. We need to be made whole. We need three funny stories. And they please so quickly. They have to be made whole. We need three funny stories. And they... Please, so quickly. They have to be so fast now. Jeez, do they have to be real? Yes.

I can't just make them up? I don't know that three funny things have happened to me. You can make them up as much as you did that original story, probably. Right. So completely. Yes. And they gotta be on set. Show stoppers.

And Hollywood. They should be taking place on set. Hollywood stories. Did Nelson Franklin say I'm coming on you? No. Damn. He didn't. He didn't.

What did he say? Opening my new toothbrush. This is part of the show now. Is this a throw-in to our sponsors? This is a segment. We got to open our new toothbrush. What color did you get? We got in trouble for saying that people will stick them in their butt.

We got... Oh, they're just refills. Mint color. Nerds. Just refills. Yeah, you don't have the actual stick. I did get the. Do you use this toothpaste? I can't. I don't use the toothpaste

now. Who needs a fucking toothpaste? I don't use it. I have to use a special kind. Because you have sensitive teeth? Yes, I do. And I have to use a special kind. Can you eat ice cream? I can, but it's not always the most pleasant experience. Sometimes it's too cold for my teeth you just lick it?

thin enamel I'll tell you what I'm unlikely to get a cone I'll get a cup so that I can distribute with the spoon directly onto my tongue and bypass the teeth entirely yeah I don't like a bite you know one of those like chocolate covered biting into a cone is just an anxiety attack

like a magnum a cone is a an anxiety attack biting into yes yeah a cone is a full-on panic attack no cone you can still lick man come on it's dripping on me not if you eat it fast enough when is this becoming a story i'm trying to stall so i could think of a story there must be a good ice cream story from set it's something from crafty something from crafty for those of you who don't know crafty something from crafty for those of you who don't know crafty is

craft services I'm just talking to your listeners because you know they're tuning in for an inside look right yes

we used to do a thing where we'd say scoop troop get out your pens crafty is the food crafty is where food is yeah I wonder who was like

you know what I'm not going to call it craft services I'm going to call it craft Services I'm gonna call it Crafty Tom Coligio Yeah Was it him? Yeah

Oh wow Cause that's the name Of all his restaurants Yeah Craft Restaurant Group Right Crafty Yeah Crafty That's all

Those M&M's and stuff Tom makes those Okay I got a story for you One day On the set Good start Of Survivor I was there.

I was surviving. And then I got kicked out. And on my way out, I— What for? What did you do? Betray? Is that how that works, the show? Yes.

Okay. I betrayed. And then I got kicked out. Or sometimes you can be a Trey. Have it happen to you. You can be a Trey? Yes. Okay.

So then I got kicked out, right? But like on my way out, I was fighting. And I was like, no, you can't take me out of here. And then I showed my boob. Like because they, not not on purpose but like they you know they lifted my shirt as i was i was fighting to get out and so then they were like let's not use this because we have to blur most of it out so then i'm not actually in the show the entire they didn't want to put you on the entire i was there i was there very quickly i

was there like i got i was the first one to get kicked out immediately because i betrayed and then i um and then they didn't put me on the whole season. Because of that one nipple. All you saw basically was a blurred object being dragged out. No wonder you're after my nose like this. Yeah, it's a real touchy subject. You got so much fucking damage. Yeah.

I know. And the cycle continues. From being blurred? Yeah. I know. So that's a funny story, right? This is like Carousel 3 over here because you've got baggage coming out. It can stop with you.

This cycle. Here comes baggage. What are you doing with that toothpaste on your face? Are you doing some facial massaging? I am not putting any toothpaste on my face. Dear listener, that was a lie. It wasn't a lie. Yes, it was.

It was still in the tube But you were Still in the tube Just the end I like how the sharp part Feels against my cheek She's trying to trick you As I'm contemplating

The injustice of Natalie Getting not being shown All of Survivor Guys guys That wasn't a true story I was just trying to think Of something I was really

Okay I felt pressed And doesn't have a crafty story Did that During that story Did you come up with a real story No man I don't have anything You guys gotta do more research I've got a crafty story. Did that, during that story, did you come up with a real story? No, man. I don't have anything.

You guys got to do more research. I've got a crafty story about ice cream. I'm at 30 Rock. Standing next to? Standing next to probably like Sue Galloway or something. They've put out a cooler with some tasty treats and people have sort of gathered around to start grabbing at them. I feel a hand, big meaty hand, clap on my back. It's Sir Alec Baldwin.

Oh. He goes. Is he knighted? In my mind. Yeah. Okay. He gotta be. Okay.

Up here. He says. He's got the full armor on. He says to me, used to be cocaine. Now it's ice cream. I swear to God, I'll sit down with Ben and Jerry's and eat a whole fucking pint of this shit. I go, oh. Oh, okay.

So I thought it was that it was cocaine that they would just like have out on the set. But he's just saying. For him. Cocaine that he would just like have out on the set but he's just saying cocaine that he would do that ice cream has replaced cocaine for him as a thing that he does a lot of as a vice David Cruz would never say that to you he didn't speak to me other than in character

no actually and this is true he did speak to me once and he told me you gotta use those eyes those eyes. Those eyes will get you a long way. He did. That is a dead true story. Did you?

I use my eyes all the time. Okay. Yeah. Is that a story? Is that something? What is one the time? I must have told my David Caruso story on this a hundred times. But you know what's funny about all of this? Is that you guys didn't want me to tell the David Caruso story on your podcast.

I didn't want anyone to even be there. Yes, any of it happening at all. I'm a very private person. Because something had gone wrong. What had gone wrong? Oh boy, if I could trace it all the way back, I wouldn't be here right now. Is that my internal monologue? What went wrong? Yeah, that's between me and the bedroom ceiling every night, just staring at the crack and recounting my childhood days, trying to decide exactly which turn I took that led me astray.

Brutal stuff. Have you come up with the answer? If only there were just one, Natalie. Okay. It's a series of bad events. A series of unfortunate events in your life. It's a real lemon and snickers. Hollywood handbook.

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that $500 million, most of that was the dresses. Well, yeah. I i mean you're talking about hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys hollywood handbook what is another thing that happened to you in your life like a real thing something yes with celebrities and guys okay i am gonna give i'm gonna give you an exclusive okay are you ready yes it's not three it's just one really big story.

I'm not going to see this on Seth Meyers next week, am I? Not next week, but maybe at some point. He's off right now. He likes to mine your show for content. You know that, right? That's what we're learning. Yeah, apparently. Yeah.

Okay, exclusive. Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of it. A lot of show? A lot of content. Okay. Yeah, that was sort of the first time it's come up is when you told that story. Guys, are you ready?

This is going to be epic. Maybe this will be on that feed. Okay. Kevin, please, are you paying attention? Kevin, alert the feed. Okay. Okay. All right. The year was 2009.

No, it was 2010, actually. It was the beginning of 2010. I had just finished a season of White Collar. I was living in New York. I was set to move back to Los Angeles. Actually, I had just finished doing... How was the wrap party? It was good.

I had just finished doing wall street two money never sleeps okay um and i i had been living in new york and i was ready to come back to los angeles and two nights before i was going to move back to los angeles a friend i had made um throughout she was a she was a blogger at the time and she was a fan of a show i was on called the middle man and we had become friends on Twitter. And then I ran into her, physically ran into her on the street. And we had coffee. And then she asked, do you want to go to the opera with me?

Covfefe. Covfefe. She asked, do you want to go to the opera with me? So I said, sure. I've never been to an opera. I'm generally uncultured. So I would love to go. Again, this was two days before I was to move back to L.A.

And now I see how this career has, how this rise happened, is befriending the bloggers, going to the opera with them. Yeah. Supposed to be a fine line. There is supposed to be a clear boundary between you and the bloggers. Right. She's no longer a blogger boundary between you and the bloggers. Right. Right. She's no longer a blogger.

Because you blurred the line. Wow, she gave that up for you. For me. Wow. Yeah. Threw her badge in the lake. Anywho, we go to see Turandot at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. I've never been.

I have cheap, cheap seats. Toronto, you said? New York City. I've never been. I have cheap, cheap seats. Toronto, you said? New York City. Yeah, but you went to see Toronto in New York City. I want to clarify something. This is not opera. This is a basketball game. Toronto.

Toronto. You're not saying it right. Toronto? Toronto. Yes. Okay. Listen to that. Don't hit that T and it's not a D

Toronto Toronto Toronto got it so we went to go see this this opera and I'm sitting

all the way in the back the very top opera man there no no opera man no opera man not a single opera man

not a single opera man okay no a lot of older people. There's like, I think there's three breaks. I don't know because I, spoiler alert, didn't finish the opera because something happened. So I think in the first intermission, I think there's one of two. This is going to be a pooping story.

No, bro. Number twos. That's not really this show. My friend says, my very new friend, who by the way now is a very good friend, but my pooping story. No, bro. Number twos. That's not really this show. My friend says, my very new friend, who by the way now is a very good friend, but my very new friend, this was the first time we'd gone out alone. My very new friend says, would you like to go say hello to my parents?

She almost said my favorite friend. And then she realized that she has another friend who thinks they're her favorite friend. It would have been bad, wouldn't it have been? My friend says, do you want to go say hello to my parents who are sitting just down there and i said sure who's gonna say no to saying hi to someone's parents you know why not i take two steps i grab onto the railing it wavers i trip i fall 20 steps down the Met Opera I land face first into the balcony wall

I shatter my whole face oh my god I stop the opera stop the I yep I have to be

wheeled out with an emergency vehicle I have no vision and I'm I can't speak because all that's coming out of my mouth is blood

blood and so milk coming out of a nose is blood. So milk coming out of a nose is weird. Yeah. But blood coming out of a mouth. This is from blood mouth. I mean, on impact, you know, it just fits into the story. From freaking blood mouth over here. Also, I have experience with it.

I don't have experience with the titty nose. Right. Yeah. So vulgar. Shut up, titty nose. Yeah. So vulgar. Shut up, Diddy Nose. Language. So, yeah, guys, my first thought as a fresh face on the television screens. You had to get a whole fresh new face?

I literally did. Wow. Well, my first thought was I couldn't see anything because I had shock blindness. And I couldn't speak because every time I tried to talk, there was just blood and all these people were trying to help me. And I was just feeling hands on me. And my first thought, literally my first thought was, I guess I could be a writer because I thought my face wasn't there anymore. And I was kind of right.

I had to have emergency reconstruction surgery on my face. She's talking to two writers. She's talking to two writers. And she's like, I guess if I'm ugly, I could be a writer. It's true, though. Right? Right, guys? Here's my big takeaway.

I mean, you got a fucking tip for a nose. Here's my big takeaway. You actually can't say for certain that Opera Man wasn't there. You know what I mean? I asked, was Opera Man there? You go, no. And it's like, well, you don't know that, do you? He might have gotten there after I left.

Absolutely, he might have. He might have been the entire third act was Opera Man. I feel like you're not being sensitive to the fact that I broke my face. Well, I broke my face, too. This is an exclusive fucking story, and you better appreciate it. Where's the scar? How exclusive is it? I think I knew this.

Show me one scar. There's no scar. I broke all the bones in my face. I had to wear a face cast. It wasn't a surgery. They didn't replace my nose. They just had to rebuild the bones in my face. Did you cut your eyelid? I broke the orbital bones around my eye.

I cut through my eyelid. I closed my eye and still see. No, I didn't cut my orbital bones. Thank God. Or my teeth, which is nice. I broke my orbital bones and my Or my teeth, which is nice I broke my orbital bones And my teeth But my face is very different than it used to be And a lot of people don't know this In this city, you ain't alone

Do you want to see a picture? I just found one the other day Yeah, let me see If we go back to Wall Street 2, Money Never Sleeps Yeah, different face If you go back to The Middleman Or CSI Miami If you ran into Shia LaBeouf right outside, you'd be like, wait, who's this?

Maybe she is Shia LaBeouf in that. Oh, that's intriguing. Okay. I just found the reason this is fresh in my mind is because I was sent this photo that was taken at a photo shoot like two days before this happened. Check that out. That is different. Right? Yeah, it is different.

That's a different face. Yeah, it's like my evil twin. Or like a sister. It's like a cross between you and Alison Williams or something. Yeah. Yeah. Different face, guys. It's a different face. So are you, the career is definitely, you've been doing more since then.

No offense. Well, but honestly. No offense. You've been doing more. I sort of dropped off after that because it took a while to heal. Yeah. Well, I was calling the grinder dropped off from white collar. This is good.

And Sean worked on that and I did too for a little bit. Yeah. You did. You did work on that, but that was years later. And I wrote on it with my face. The grinder was what, 2016? You can kind of spray the milk into like a... Into words, yeah.

With special paper. Special absorbent paper. One of those papers that like, if you put water on it, it turns into ink. That's milk kind of thing? Not the paper. That's the invisible ink. Would it shock you to know it was once considered very beautiful?

Guys, I just dropped such a huge bomb. The ushers were probably like... But now you want the show to be sad. What do you want me to do? No, it's not sad, you guys. The show's a fun show. I'm alive. I could have gone over the balcony.

I didn't. There are funny aspects to this. Like, for example, I was wheeled backstage as I waited for the ambulance. And when I came to, like, when I could actually see, I opened my eyes and there was a guy in full samurai outfit staring at me. And I said, what the hell are you looking at? You know, that's a funny tidbit that's yeah did you say that i did too and i was covered in blood yeah that's what he was looking at but also i thought it was funny that a guy in a full samurai outfit was staring at me this is

that's what the show is turandot i think that's how you imagine imagine how the auditors were like just probably heard the impact and we like, okay, first intermission. This is our normal somebody falling down the stairs and smashing their face. Oh, that person was kind of young. The seats are very steep and there are a lot of old people. You're totally right. And I'm sure that happens all the time. They just probably have protocol.

That's probably a code one. protocol that's probably a code one the doctor who who um who like helped me uh reshape my face uh she said okay so i'm just kind of like it's just so you get an idea this is the doctor was a woman she was is that what you got from that that was really i'm just jumping in in case anybody tries to trick me with a riddle during this story the doctor was a woman yes um she said i'm just i'm your nose your face it's rocks in space and i'm just trying to put together and make a thing wow so you're gonna have to have more surgery at some point because you won't likely won't be able to breathe very well and it's true i cannot breathe very well. And about a year after that happened and I was like, okay, I guess I got to go figure out what to do with my fucking face. I went to the top three plastic surgeons in Los Angeles.

The first one said, okay, well, this is going to be really hard. We're going to have to take a piece of your rib and replace it into your nose and it's gonna take you about a year and a half to heal yeah just like marilyn manson the second guy was like uh i'm not touching your face no way forget it bloody no he's like it's gonna it's gonna collapse i'm not touching your face and the third guy locks thing yeah the third guy was like yeah no problem easy just so i did nothing wait i didn't do anything you just i just i was too scared what do you pick out of those three you did so you just let it i just left it i still can't breathe very well i can't go on a hike here i'll teach you

haze is actually a master do you see how much I got in? How much did you get in, do you think? I actually, you could see there were a bunch of little hairs on the mic And I sucked them all in So think about how much air would hold all those hairs Probably like a gallon How much hair would hold all those hairs? How much air would hold the hairs?

Because all that air had to come in You're not here either? It really affected the whole head of your body wait so you didn't get any kind of surgery not not other than the first initial reconstructive one that was how about your nose is still floating around in your brain no how's your brain who knows how's your brain it's jostled for sure is this all an elaborate way to explain how you completely forgot that the story was supposed to be for us and not for seth meyers you're so right that is it's exactly what i'm and we do macho let's and if you know this is the story is on its way okay but

you there's usually like some kind of like big pun it doesn't have the i'm coming on oh okay i got okay all right all right maybe this is it okay remember how i said i was moving to la immediately after okay so i i did i was able to push my date two weeks because i had to recover i was a major major injury right but then i had to move all my shit by myself to la so i this is real i'm not fucking kidding about this so i got i packed up my entire apartment and my cat and i had a face cast meaning that i had a cast glued to my face that uh was in the shape of like a nose and cheeks um and so then i had a, very strong drugs that I was taking for the pain. And I had two gigantic bags.

What's the cat's name? Axel. And Axel. And Axel freaks out on planes. So I was like, okay, I'll get him like a sedative. What? Axel the crazy frog? That's a crazy frog's name is Axel F.

I don't know the crazy frog. That's a crazy frog's name is Axel F. I don't know the crazy frog. You don't know the crazy frog? Play it. Go ahead. Kevin, while you're doing technical stuff, can you plug this in earlier just so my ass is covered? Oh, Natalie, I am so sorry that happened.

Thank you so much. Natalie, that is just awful. Natalie. This was the most popular ringtone ever. What's going on? You've never heard... You said Axl F. Were you in a coma for a thousand years? But this is Axl Foley.

This is his theme from the Beverly Hills Cop. Yeah, but the crazy frog. It's by Axel F, right? Thank you. The crazy frog. The crazy frog. Sure. See, this is what I was doing before.

Oh, there's the frog. I see the frog. Okay, I see the frog. You don't know this. I don't know this part. I know the other part of the song, but I don't know this like... It reminds me of those crazy hamsters. You remember that?

The hamster dance. Get that too, Kevin. Get the hamster dance. I don't know the crazy hamster dance. The only one I know is the one from Ally McBeal. You're going to know the hamster dance. That's the only sort of trendy cartoon dance that I know. That was very trendy. That was hot as hell for a while.

What happened? Alright guys, so I get to the airport, right? Yeah. I've drugged my cat. You drugged your cat too? Yeah, I had to drug my cat because he was just freaking out. Losing it. So I had to give him a sedative. And so I get to the airport and of course this bag waste too much doesn't fit you. I had to drug your cat too? Yeah, I had to drug my cat because he was just freaking out. Losing it. So I had to give him a sedative. And so I get to the airport and of course they're like, this bag weighs too much.

It doesn't fit you. I had to do the whole thing where I'm like taking clothes out of one. What? Oh, okay. Sorry. A small bag. I thought that was very rude. Yeah.

I was going to defend your honor. It was terrible. I had to refill my bags, all of that. And then I finally, I'm like, okay, I'm going to defend your honor. It was terrible. I had to refill my bags, all of that. And then I finally, I'm like, okay, I'm going through security. And I walk through security and you have to take your cat out or whatever animal you have in an animal carrier. Do you like talking to us? No, not particularly. But I feel forced to.

And I did make the appointment to be here. What compels you? Let's interrogate that. Okay. Let's look into that because maybe we can do some real healing. All right. You don't know this? No.

But it's similar, no no it is very similar here we go and you know what it reminds me of it's similar to that but more so for me it's like the um disney robin hood uh you know what i'm talking about they have a it's maybe like the Oodle Ollie song that they do. It is a little like that. Yeah. It's animals. Yeah. And it's sort of like the dee-da-doo-da, dee-da-dee. It's like, dee-da-dee-do, dee-da-dee. Yeah.

It's similar. It's similar. Are you talking about the, like, that ride, Splash Mountain Ride, where they sing that song? Oh, okay. That is from the Zippity-Doo-Dah. Yeah. Same thing.

Dee-da-dee-do, dee-da-dee. Yeah. Itle. Yeah, same thing. Yeah. Zippity-Doodle. Yeah, it is. And it's animals. Yeah, thanks. And it's animals. So you, because I was getting this subtle sense that you don't enjoy talking to us. It's not so much that I don't like talking to you, it's that I don't like you in general. But talking is, you know, an extension of that.

And as a master of human micro-expressions, I was able to discern, yes, that you did not like being near us or me or talking to me. And I wonder what motivates a sick mind like yours to voluntarily engage. Well, obviously it's the promotion I get from being here. Right? It's the self-promotion.

Get a couple followers out of it. Sure, yeah. People coming up to me on the street being like, oh man, the Caruso story is so good. Yeah. On the Hollywood handbook. They say specifically on our show? They say on the Hollywood handbook.

I don't know if you're allowed to do that accent. I'm not doing an accent. The way you said it the first time. I'm not doing an accent. Yeah, it's like a Dutch thing. Mm-hmm. Hmm. At best.

Best case scenario. Dutch if you're lucky. What happened? Are we on the plane yet? Hey, I thought we were fucking stopping to talk about how i don't like you so i'm just waiting for these questions we're never gonna unpack all this faster to unpack your cat and walk through security do we want do you want me to continue yeah so you're got your animal i'm walking you're wearing the mask this whole time i'm wearing in

public yeah i have to i can't take it off. The mask is making you do Cuban Pete? By the way, it's not a mask. It's a cast. But does the mask make you do like a Cuban Pete type? That's fucking racist. Well, what's my last name, Sean? Racist people aren't necessarily dangerous.

Her dad is Cuban Pete. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Where was I? So I walked through security with the cat with Axel. And as soon as I walk through, he pees all over me because he is sedated and is drugged out of his mind and

can barely stand up. He urinates all over me um and and i have just dropped off all my luggage so i have no clothes to change into so i put him back in the bag again face cast and now i smell like cat piss so i i go to the like laguardia like magazine store and i'm like do you have any pants and they're like no and then I and then I go

I go everywhere so finally I find a place that doesn't have any shirts but they do have I love New York sweatpants that I must buy

for $79 based on the flavor of love character I think this was pre that I feel like 2010 yeah no way well maybe it was pre that okay i feel like 2010 yeah no way no well maybe

it was post that it was in like urban graffiti writing that it said i love new york on it yes good she was racist too now i have a little bit of a window that was the logo of the i love new york show it was It was in graffiti writing. Was it not? Am I crazy? Maybe there's a fact check we can do, Kevin. And graffiti writing is inherently urban to you. Yes.

It's not rural. Rural graffiti is everywhere. Are people recognizing you from white collar? No, I'm wrong. It was like a 70s thing. It's not an urban movie. Maybe I'm totally wrong. It was your mind that does that. It's maybe rural urban movie. Maybe I'm totally wrong. It's maybe rural graffiti. Maybe rural graffiti is what you see inside a bar.

That might be it. Guys, I suffered a head injury. So did I. Whatever. It's about me right now. Apparently. Let me just continue to paint the picture. Are people being like, is that Natalie Morales from White Collar?

Yeah. So, you're wearing your sweatpants as a shirt? No, I'm wearing my sweatpants, but I still smell like cat piss because it doesn't go away and there's no shower and a face cast. And yes, someone's like, hey, are you in white collar at the airport? Really? No. I just kept walking uh and then i sat at the airport and then my flight got delayed a bunch and i was in so much physical pain and i again smelled like cat piss and uh finally my flight boarded and i was like

okay i'm just gonna as soon as i board i'm just gonna take this oxycontin and pass out for the flight because this is the worst day of my life. What's with these boarding groups, by the way? I know. You know what I mean? And if you're going to do this in front of Seth, which you're not allowed to do, you have to be ready for something like this.

He's going to launch into this where it's like, all right, okay, I understand. What's your best Seth impression, can you? Seth? Yeah. Oh, I understand. What's your best Seth impression, can you? Seth? Oh, hang on. Really? Really? That was pretty good.

Thanks. She said mine was good. Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

Really? Okay. So I get on the plane. Yeah. Yeah. I see why they did it. And I'm, because it's fun. It's fun to do it.

It's fun to do it and easy. It's really easy. Really? Really. It's fun to do and easy. It's really easy. Really? Really.

I get on the plane and I sit down with my cat and my cat piss and my sweatpants and my broken face and the cast. And now the drugs that are in my body and in my head. And I close my eyes and I begin to drift into a sweet slumber. And I close my eyes and I begin to drift into a sweet slumber. And someone taps me and goes, hey, you headed home or are you going somewhere else? And I was like, huh? And they were like, are you going home or are you going somewhere for work? And I was like, I'm going home. And I guess what happened after that, I don't remember, is I talked to this man the whole flight and was high, incredibly high.

And two days later, I got a text message from a number that said, hey, it's so-and-so from the plane. Are we still on for our date tonight? Oh, my God. That's it. I told you it was coming. I'm coming on you, mama. I told you it was coming. I'm coming on you. I told you. The way, the lead up to it is way too long.

Yeah, it's a long story. One thing I want to know is how big of a white collar fan do you have to be to recognize me? To recognize you with the full face cast on. It was a popular show. It wasn't a full thing. It was sort of like a really bad superhero mask in that it didn't cover my eyes. It just a popular show. It wasn't a full thing. It was sort of like a really bad superhero mask

in that it didn't cover my eyes and just covered my nose and my cheeks. Like I was like a sick raccoon. What did you say to the guy? The guy that I was going on a date with?

Yeah, who else? I, well, I don't know. A white collar fan, which is what we were just talking about. No, what'd you say to the guy who said? I said, okay, I'll see you there.

And you went? Well, here's the thing. It was either the worst person in the world who would ask a high uh beat up face cat piss smelling person out on a date or he really saw something in me wow and he was great so i had to find out yeah i had no idea what his face looked like or what he was like or anything i don't't, I didn't remember anything. It was Richard Karn. Turned out to be. Man, what a blow.

And that's the end of my story because I'm not going to tell you the rest because I'll save that for like a late night show. Wait a second. Now I meet it. You're teasing me off. Now I crave the real story you went on a date with a guy I did go on a date

and it was a big surprise as to who it was what and how the date went who was it what I mean you're just gonna have to tune in

to Seth Meyers in a couple weeks if I know really really he would be he'll do so well with it too I know. Really? Really? He would be, he'll do so well with it too.

He'll like summarize everything up to that point. He'll be like, so you're telling me. So you're on the plane. So you're on the plane. Yes. So you're on the plane. No,

too high pitch. Cat. Really? Cat in your hand. Still smelling like pee. You're getting there. With the cast. Uh-huh. And he's hitting on you.

On a date. He asked you on a date. Yeah. During the date, he said, yeah, when we were flying over Nevada, I said, by the time we get to California, I'm going to ask you out on a date. Was it President Trump? It wasn't. Thankfully. Yeah, but I'm on a late night California. I'm going to ask you out on a date. Was it President Trump? It wasn't. Thankfully.

Yeah, but I'm on a late night talk show. 20 questions. Do we get to play? Is it someone we know? You might know him. Whoa. I don't know if you know him. Is it like a celebrity?

No. Okay, that's one. But it is. Yeah, that's one question. Someone in the industry. Yes. Okay. Is it a writer?

Yes. Okay. Are they a a writer? Yes. Okay. Are they a comedy writer? Wait. I'm not sure what they are doing today. But they have written comedy stuff before? Yes. Okay.

So that's four. Film? Do they write film or television? So the answer to your film question is no. Okay, so they are television. So the TV writer who has done comedy. Are you counting too? Okay, great.

And the TV writer who has done comedy, we would maybe know them. Okay. Oh, this is bad. Did the day go well? They should not be publicized. Are they? Wait, wait, wait. Which question do you want?

That one? Yes. No. Okay. Are they? That doesn't narrow it down at all. Are they over 40? No.

Well, maybe now. I don't know. Not at the time. Okay. Okay. Did they go to Harvard? I'm not sure. Then they didn't.

I'm not sure. Then they didn't. Well, he might have told me when I was very high and I wouldn't have known. The show that you know that they wrote on was an NBC comedy. I don't remember the specific shows that this person worked on. Okay. Yeah. This is going to be tough. This is making it hard.

Yeah. Their name, their first name is, starts with a D. No. No. Maybe. Well, I don't really remember his name. D No No Maybe Well I don't really remember his name Wait You don't know his name?

I know he is But I don't remember his name Because I It was so bad That I blocked him out entirely You know who he is But you don't know what show He ever worked on

Or his name If I saw him again I'd know him And my friends know him Other people that I know know him. Wait, so what could we, what are we guessing? I don't know. This was your game.

I didn't start this. But what are you answering? Does his name start with, oh, but you don't know his name. She doesn't know his name. I think if you told me his name, I would say, yes, that's him. Here's the thing. If I described him to you, you would know what he is. I just don't remember.

I can't remember his name. Describe him. I don't want to. But we're doing it he is. I just don't remember. I can't remember his name. Describe him. I don't want to. But we're doing it right now. I'm saving it for Seth Meyers. I also don't want to. I feel like it's dangerous to call him out on this show, but it was really bad. It was so bad.

You haven't said anything specific that he did bad. Would you rather I do that? I'm going to ask you on a date. Oh, yeah. Would we rather know something specific that's bad about him? Let's do that. And I have a guess in my head. He is much, much shorter than me.

Okay. Is that it? Much. No, that's one of the many things. Okay. He asked me, anytime he asked me a question about myself or anything in that on that date, he would fist bump me afterwards. Wow. Okay.

That's pretty bad. And he and with the fist bump, he'd say, oh, man, bring it in. Oh, no. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, when I went on the date, face cast was off. And I didn't smell like cat piss.

Yeah. Bring it in. I looked good. Bring it in, dog. Yeah. So he made an investment that paid off. Mm-hmm. Hey, if you don't love me at my cat piss face cast, you don't deserve me at my took it off.

I will. He also did not have a car, so he asked me for a ride home. Okay. Okay. I'm not going to poor shame this guy. I don't think it was poor. Chef Kevin doesn't have a car.

I don't think it was poor. I think it was just a choice. Just likes the earth. Oh, you think he, but you think he intentionally wanted to get into a car with you. Yes. And so he chose that. But not that he didn't own a car necessarily, but that he.

Because he got there somehow without me. Yeah. But he may have owned a car. He may have owned a car. But he chose not to bring it to them. Yeah. Give me a ride to my house. We should be doing, doing like a real show.

And this was before Uber. You think? Don't you think? See how well we just default into like being like good and like asking interesting questions. Yeah. See how and you almost feel as a master of human microaggressions. You talking about me? I'm able to detect me.

Oh. I'm able to detect that you're enjoying yourself slightly more during the game of 20 questions than during the part where you were miserable earlier. Well, it's because I knew that I didn't know the guy's name and so I knew that the 20 questions was leading to nowhere and it was making me devilishly happy.

And if I see anyone playing this game of 20 questions with you ever and I notice it from across the room I go, I call up Seth I go, Seth, I've been in this hole before and I remember the way out. Is that full circle? Are we done? Is the episode over? I think so, yeah. Bye.