Hollywood Handbook - Neil Campbell, Our Close Employee

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

The boys have a visitor fan from England and talk about smart British comedy with him. Then NEIL CAMPBELL joins the discussion to play clips from his new Tedd Talks podcast on WolfCool and share stories about his stepdad.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So, I'm in the studio with Afro, Jack, and he's like, listen to my new track, like I got some good samples for it. Naturally. And so he's playing it for me. I got some good samples for it and so he's playing it for me and there's this kind of

background voices on the track and I'm like Afro this sounds like this is like my mother and father having a conversation but they haven't been alive since recording technology existed yeah right yeah or back then it was like a brass can you could like record stuff onto a brass can he had found the brass can he had found a brass can yeah and uh he was redoing his house

and there was like a secret hole in the wall in the wall yeah uh-huh well i was over because i was doing like when he found that can i remember i was um helping him move the wall from the bottom part. And I did reach in and pull out a brass can. And I did say, let's listen to this. And I remember saying, this would be great for your new track. And I thought it was interesting that what we heard was they were discussing you and whether you were naughty and you sort of learning to use the potty correctly. It's not nice the what the the subject on the conversation i was hoping i haven't spoken to them it's so long yeah i was

hoping it would be something nicer than the than what punishment to give me yes for being naughty well but to play devil's advocate from what i heard on the can it sounded like maybe you need a punishment because it sounded like you're willfully ignoring the potty is that fair that does sound i mean i'm you know good about it today now yes so maybe that what happened works yeah and this is almost making the punishments were pretty tame take away your licorice make you eat a whole thing of licorice too much so you have a belly ache you don't want it anymore or put your licorice in the potty deleting my game files oh yes that was that was extreme and we don't do that stuff anymore and i remember when i went to

school the nuns would come over and delete your game files you know because that's just how we were raised back which then was trying to get the metal ball through a maze yes into the hole on the other side yeah so one of those 15 puzzles. And they would just shake it up and start over. But yeah, I do relate to you being upset about that. But that's all in the past. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook

and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names on the Red Carpet Line to Back Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? We on the show, the show is taking place in America, United States, in Hollywood. Listening to the show are world people. The whole big, and yes, all around it.

France, you may recall. America. We had French filmic, yes. I'm talking about anywhere else. Yes, that's a bad second example. That's a bad second example, because yes, that is sort of the thing that you knew was definitely covered. Right, but any other place.

Mm-hmm, French people. sort of the thing that you knew was definitely covered. Right. But any other place. French people. Yes. And I did say that that was the first thing I said after as an example of not America. Right. Yes. Definitely not America. So French, America, and you can do the other one.

Is there an Australian person? Ah, yes. Wouldn't that be rich and boogieing down under and toss me the boomer, mate. And what we have here today on a visit is a fan from a different sort of United place. You know the United States, but this is a kingdom that's united, the United Kingdom.

The kingdom and the castle. Andrew Nye. That's right, yes. And he flew all the way here from there, and it seems like he must want something in return. And so here he is, and this is that, I think. I think this is pretty much square now. And it's good for us too.

It's a good education for our listeners because we're big Anglophiles. This is what we really mostly wanted to talk to you about because we love British comedy. It's being so much smarter. And the mods are over there yes are they what are they doing andrew months yeah are the mods still terrorizing your little town yes it's it's a problem when they're driving around on their mopeds their scooters are much too loud oh please yes they

put a muffler on that and they're frugging they get together and they do this frug which is they call it a dance but it looks to me like some sort of street fight no dance I've ever seen it's far too frightening and when they and the rockers get together in the town square what's that like

it's pretty terrifying I wouldn't go near there I am an inglofile but that's one part of the english stuff i can get get it without no i like mr bean yes so we love british comedy mr bean he's smashing the sardines yes it's smart mr bean monty python this stuff is just on every level just more intelligent than American comedy. Yes.

Well, here's American comedy in a nutshell. Ow, I fell on my butt. Yeah. I'm too big to be a spy. You know? Like, that's literally what the comedy is. And it's funny, and it has its place, but I wish sometimes they would also do some of this Mr. Bean stuff, which just kills me when he's wearing the exit sign over his butt because he lost his

clothes in the hotel. Yes, or him getting a turkey stuck on his head. What's your favorite, Andrew? My favorite, Mr. Bean. I like when he's on top of the car and driving the car with the sticks. That's my favorite part. I don't know that one.

And for like here, we need like, you know, the spy, the big spy. Oh, yes. We need, you know, like to laugh at people who are maybe less attractive. Well, it's also rated R because it's got to be foul mouth. Yes.

And I don't think you need that in British comedy. Whereas Mr. Bean is for children. Children can watch. You can watch with the whole family. And he's like a nice looking, in shape guy. So it's a little something for women or just like even as a guy honestly like I like girls but that doesn't that I'm not blind I could still tell that mr. bean is a true piece to be a guy but like I

could think about being mrs. bean and what that would be like. Yes, and the best comedies not only exist in a fantasy world you can enjoy on the screen, but also create a fantasy world in your mind where Mr. Bean's coming home from a long day at work, I've made him a casserole perhaps, and I've sort of set stuff up on the table for dinner, but before dinner comes a little bit of physical. The little baby beans run in, and you say,

you guys shuffle along now for a while. And I wonder what kind of antics we would get into trying to engage in a physical activity like that, because frequently that sort of thing doesn't go in a predictable way for Mr. Bean. How do you think that would play out, Andrew? Yes, Andrew, you're the expert. You've seen the car stick one, which hasn't made it to the States yet. So please, do you know?

I'm Mrs. Bean, and my husband and I are, you know, hoping to have a sexual encounter. Well, everything he does seems to go wrong in some way. So I suppose he, gosh, I mean, if he came in the room, perhaps he would slip on something. Or if he was getting into bed, sort of misjudged the distance, maybe slipped off the bed. Oh, no. What if we were going to do it in the shower? Shower? Well, I mean, if there was water on the floor, for example.

Don't say it. It seems like there are lots of bottles in the shower, and it seems like that might be a place that he could get his, what do you guys call it? Noggin. No. Yes, what's that? The downstairs piece. Ghoulies, I guess.

Ghoulies, yes. That seems like he could get his ghoulies stuck in a shampoo bottle. Mm-hmm. And all the time he slipped, maybe if you're there waiting, maybe it go in the wrong hole. And so then... The exit. Yes, the exit sign from earlier.

And to me, that really seems like a rich, smart area for comedy. That's sort of an in-the-loop, veep kind of thing. Yes, yes. Love, yeah, love in the loop. I like the cursing. It's smart cursing. It's very sophisticated. So creative.

Monty Python, how they dress like ladies, and sometimes when they walk, it makes a fart sound well and they would have if you've seen the one movie meaning of life they have all the joggers with the um the holes cut out for their um tetons yeah what is that what do you call the jumblies right is that right jumblies jumblies yeah jumblies yeah so that's interesting you know and that was so funny and erotic

I love knowing what's next and what's coming over from across the pond because before the office that one kind of snuck up on me there was this

American one and then people are telling me about this other one and I wish I had known about that before. So what's coming? What's our new office?

Do you have Blue Peter? Let me check. I mean, it's not quite a comedy, but it's sort of a children's television show, and they do activities, and you make crafts and things. I think that could be the next big thing. Okay, that's big. It seems like if Mr. Bean, not to go back to this, it's just difficult for me to stop picturing it,

if his jumblies are stuck in a shampoo bottle, as he is becoming more and more aroused by maybe his wife doing something of a strip show. It seems like he could end up with a Blue Peter of his own. He's doing everything he can to not be stimulated by his wife's performance. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, though. And it's you. And it's me, yes.

It sort of implied that Mr. Bean is endowed in a special way. Yes, that he is built physically in a particular manner. It's heavily implied.

They don't say anything. There's no dialogue. In every episode, they give you a generous clue. And so you can imagine what something of that, of those proportions would do in a shampoo bottle. Yes. Blast off. Now, I, as long as we're talking about fantasies of ours, have to just say this, and I don't know what it is, but I know it's something, and it's Mr. Bean and Chris O'Dowd.

Yes. Chris O'Dowd is a guy of yours. One of your guys who I wish was one of ourd. Yes. Chris O'Dowd is a guy of yours. One of your guys who I wish was one of our guys. Yes. The inexplicably Scottish cop from Bridesmaids. Where we said get over here and start being in our movies. Yes, I need it.

And can you tell me a little bit about him? How is he? Well, I've never actually, I've never actually... He's from Ireland. Oh, perfect. I'm from England, from the UK.

Yes, so you're the boss of him. Well, seven parts of him, sort of. Is he a good employee? Well, I'm a little rebellious at times. What's Ned Devine like? He's a new one to me.

I haven't come across him. William Wallace? He's, again, a tricky one. He's not terribly pro-English I guess you would say Blackadder he's another one whoa sorry

yes and that's the thing about British people is they're very one of the ways they are polite is they're so quiet that the mic can't hear them. Well, yes, you prefer to do your, you asked if you could do the whole show physically in something of a Bean style. And it's regrettable the podcast format. There is no, what would the Bean podcast be like?

It would just be him like thumping against the mic as he like. Well, I think it's pretty interesting that you're talking about him being silent because in Britain, he's quite audible. I mean, it's full script. You can hear him? I mean, you sort of have to adjust to his British cadence, yeah, but he's perfectly audible. Oh, that's fascinating.

What kind of stuff is he saying? Yeah, when I watch him, I just hear nothing. Is it my Yankee ears? There's a lot of stuff about him being worried about slipping or maybe eating an undercooked steak, things like that. Oh, so it's just before he gets into one of his scrapes, he says that he hopes it is not going to happen. He really sets the table, huh?

I mean, it's foreshadowing. Yeah. I would love to hear something like that. Just him going, uh-oh. That sounds sad to me almost. But that's some of the layers they bring over. Yes, they're not afraid. Over the pond. They're not afraid. Over the pond.

They're not afraid of emotions like we are. And speaking of which, I have one of those Keep Calm t-shirts, but mine says Keep Calm and Chai Vong. Mine says Keep Calm and Put a Bird on It. And I don't know why, but I love it. What does your guys' say? We just have the regular camera on. Oh, okay.

Classic and the best. Kerry Brownstein? That's right. Okay. Similar to Sean's. Close, yeah. Those are, and what's that supposed to be? The poster.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's sort of a phrase. I guess you can take it with you in everyday life and sort of live by that mantra. If you were in a situation in which you were to become uncalm or to become agitated or something like that, like if you were slipping. Yes. Just chive on. Chive on, carry on, or put a bird on it. All the valid responses.

You guys got the chive over there? We just called it some of these college girls. We have different names for them. Hey, some of these college girls they got on that site. They ain't wearing much, Andrew. We probably got to go. They're real. Oh, yes.

That's what I love. Amateurs. They're just I love. Amateurs. They're just real girls. Amateurs. Now, I hate the prose. I know I'm being played. Now, Andrew, we got to go because we have a guest coming in and it is time to end this. Next on the show is the guest who is today,

Neil Campbell. And he's a star of comedy, and he's been on television, and you might know him from the other podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, that you used to like, but you don't like it anymore because now you can't really listen to it

without thinking like, oh, I wish I was gonna say the other one. On Hollywood Handbook, the one you love. Hollywood Handbook. So I'm walking into Heartbeat House.

Yeah. You know I do my dance class there on Monday nights. Yoga booty ballet. It's like ballet moves and it's also like booty dancing and then we do yoga at the end to stretch it out. And they are getting all set up in the room and I spot Mercedes Rule in the back. And it's so uncomfortable for me as the instructor rule in the back. And it's so uncomfortable for me as the instructor.

In the back, of course, yeah. So uncomfortable for me as the instructor that I have to go and tell her, I'm so sorry, but your classes have expired. Like you have to buy a new membership or you can't. Because she's a friend. Yeah, I know. And that's probably why she thinks that she can come. She never would have tried this with Denise. She never would have walked into her class, Richard.

Yes. She never would have walked into her class to pull the SBS. And so I hate to be that authoritarian figure. But there are rules for a reason in that place. Well, because if everyone else finds out. Well, Heartbeat House is sacred to me. Yoga, booty, ballet is suddenly now just free for friends. Then what do I do?

How do I make money? Okay, so that's the story about that. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook. It's a guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We've talked before about podcasting. We're doing one now. This is a podcast network that we are doing the show on. You know, one of them is called Earwolf, but that's one that's different from ours.

And kind of the old model of that one. Yes, and we're changing it by doing a new one that's called Wolf Cool. We have one podcast on our network, which is with Seth Morris, and it's Talking Turkey. It's about Thanksgiving. Great Thanksgiving memories get discussed on that. And please, he just did a whole episode about seating arrangement. With Jonah Ray, yes.

With Jonah Ray, who brought the thunder in that episode. And so that was great. But, you know. We look at the landscape. When choosing the people for our network, we look out there at the landscape. And we heard that Earwolf was maybe going to do a podcast with Paul F. Tompkins.

And we said, I don't know, you know, like, should we try and bid for that? And we said, maybe not. Nope, let them have that one. They launched a Lapkus one. We said, let it go. This Womp It Up is a thing? Yes.

We said, we'll keep our hands off that, because we had our eyes on the real Jim the whole time. Yes, the Neil deal. The Neil deal. And that's Neil Campbell, and Neil Campbell is here. Yes. The Neil deal. The Neil deal. And that's Neil Campbell. And Neil Campbell is here. Hi. Hey, guys. And you know him from being fans. When we brought you

to Comedy Bang Bang and you went back and listened to those episodes, you probably heard several with Neil Campbell being on them. Yes, I've been on a few episodes of the Bang Bang podcast. Thanks for directing some listeners that way. Yes.

And why, so you have done that show, so why didn't they give you your own show like they did for these other people? Well, part of it's all about who you know. It's a tale as old as time. You don't know Scott. No, well, I

do know Scott, so part of it is about who you know, and I do have that Scott. No, well, I do know Scott, so part of it is about who you know, and I do have that covered. Oh, yes. Okay, that's your part. That's the part you have. Yes, that's what I have. That's great, yeah. Well, I asked them. I'm friends with Lauren and

PFT, and I said, how did you guys get a podcast? And they said, we asked. And I said, I... you guys get a podcast? And they said, we asked. And I said, pretty demeaning. Ew, just hearing that makes me be like, oh my skin crawls. They groveled

and begged for their show. Oh no, we would never do that and you can't either. We would never have that of you. But you did ask us if you could have one on our... I don't know you as well. So I never have that of you. Yeah. But you did ask us if you could have one on our... Yeah, you know. Well, cool.

Because I don't know you as well. So I just want to ask someone I know. You didn't have that part. Yeah, yeah. So I'll do one or the other, but not both. That's right. And when you said what your dream project was and your favorite thing to study is being science.

Definitely. Speak on your relationship to science, Neil. I mean, I guess it goes back to, I was actually, this is so funny, when I was a kid, I was in school. Oh. And we actually had a science class. Neil! Yeah.

You never told us that. We did, we did. And we had a science textbook. And it would teach us about science. And it was just such a wonderful introduction into this whole, I mean, it's an art form, really. Science is an art form. Yeah, science is the biggest art there is. And it's...

The different colors of the chemicals and such. It's nature's art form. This school sounds so insane to me. Is this Montessori or what's going on? No, no, this was just Thaik Elementary School. Thaik. Thaik, Virginia, yeah. Is that what you said when you were telling a fake story?

Right after you tell a fake story? We got our share of ribbing from the other schools. Yeah. Well, so I, of course, am passionate about science and so passionate. It's one of the things that really juices me up and gets me a metaphorical boner. Bugs, whales. whales, the human body. Yes. Beautiful women.

Because anything can be science and that's a big thing that your podcast is about. Yeah. Yeah. It's looking at the science of the everyday in addition to the science of the weekly and the science of the every day, in addition to the science of the weekly and the science of the monthly. You can really pick any sort of time frame. And when you say science of the weekly, that's not being like weak nerds or anything because nerds are becoming stronger than ever.

Yeah, they're using their brains to go, how do I, I can use science to increase my body mass to make muscles yeah yes and i think that science nerds actually are the best at working on it have the biggest muscles because they were able to do all the calculation they can build a machine and they understand what angle to put things at you know some people look at weights What angle to put things at. Some people look at weights and kind of kick them around. Yeah. And a science whiz understands if I take this weight and I push it against the force of gravity rather than letting gravity help me, my muscle mass will likely increase.

Yes. And not knowing about gravity is really bad for these jocks as they – They don't – no. as they're just floating around. As far as they know, a graviton doesn't exist. Yes, and as they are getting older, a lot of them only have very strong feet because, as you said, they kick the weights around and they never are afraid of gravity. Right, or they've become experts. They've probably made a lot of money off of dropping and using gravity.

But you get to a certain age and that runs out. Yes. You need to have fought against gravity to sort of build up a body that can sustain it all day. Sustainable, yes. And it's the difference between being rich and being wealthy. Now, and I always like to talk about that and Chris Rock. So can we please talk about this show? And I'm so excited, and we're going to launch it out of Wolf Cool.

And it's a little like TED Talks, and in fact, we're calling it TED Talks. We were looking at the landscape, and there are these TED Talks, and we decided to do them again the same way. Yes, but we added a D so we can't get in trouble. And that is a guy we know. So before you say you're not allowed to do that, there is a guy who's a friend of ours. She's a lovely man.

And so what this format of this show will be is every week there will be a great science topic and Hayes, Neil, and I will each have done a TED talk about it and you'll get to hear. And so we're going to play some clips from our first premiere episode that's coming out. Yes. And what are the topics for this TED talk? Do we want...

The science of love. The science of love. Could there be a richer... Is a good one. that's a great one yes um does a watched pot never boil okay and uh i guess mine is probably going to be about soccer yes it's me so it'll be soccer yes i guess what we'll do we'll just play our first episode and then occasionally cut out of it to discuss the things that we did in the episode. Like behind the scenes stuff about the podcast.

Yeah. And so I guess there will just be like kind of backing music for the podcast, which is how you'll know that you're listening to the podcast. Does that make sense? Elegant. Maybe. you're listening to the podcast. Does that make sense? Elegant.

Maybe. So without further ado, this is our TED Talks podcast. Without further ado, this is our TED Talks podcast from Wolf Cool. Today's subject is the science of love. You know it as hugging and kissing, but is it actually math as well? Our first speaker, science fan, Neil Campbell. Love. Seems pretty simple, right? It's just a matter of saying I love you to someone. That means you're in love.

But what causes that? There's something beneath the surface. There's something going on, a chemical reaction inside your brain that is what love is. And scientists have been able to trace this, trace this to a chemical reaction and in fact it is when a hydrogen molecule interacts with a nutrient molecule with a neutrogena bottle and i guess we'll speak at our decision to have multiple scientists collaborating with each other well the thing about these ted talks that i've heard is it's always one scientist just talking straight. And I feel like if they fuck up or if they just maybe are forgetting a point or maybe if another scientist has a question, why can't they chime in during that TED Talk? Exactly.

I've also noticed normal TED Talks. They sort of go through a thing and then they at the end talk about a lesson they've learned. And I think one thing. It's so convenient. What we're good at is really, really pulling out minimum of seven lessons we've learned. Yes, because the idea that there's one primary lesson being learned from any one of these TED Talks

is so minimizing. And it wastes your time as a listener. I listen to something for an hour, I just learn one lesson. And people just kind of want to get right to that, which is really what we do in a lot of these talks. Oh, baby, yes. Lesson number one. When you find a partner, it's pheromones.

Same as butterflies. Lesson number two. The first time you have love is with your mommy. Same as butterflies. Lesson number two. The first time you have love is with your mommy. Lesson number three. You only feel love at the moment your heart is beating. Between beats, hatred. Lesson number four.

Love is between a man and a woman. Lesson number four Love is for Between a man and a woman Lesson number five It's not Safe for land walkers To fall in love with an eel Lesson number six It's okay to be hot for teacher. And you'll know it due to the physical sensation of feeling hot. Lesson number seven.

Love is great. But sometimes chocolate is being as very nice. Why I oughta. We're allowed to have fun here. Yeah. So that made you mad. Oh, well, in a joking manner. Because I felt like you were being very cheeky with that final lesson.

Oh, okay. Because I did not take that as a joke at the time. You know that. Yes. And then when I confronted you about it, you did pretend that it was serious. Yes. Well, I guess in my mind, the joke was science is taken so seriously and talking about love is always taken so seriously that the fact you were being a little cheeky.

Imagine I said, no, you're not allowed. And to me, the best way to follow that joke up was to never back away from it and to actually fire you from the podcast and to make you move to a different house from the one you lived in by calling the police and getting a restraining order filed against you and then standing in your front yard so you couldn't go home.

I mean, I guess we can skip that part of the podcast now since we sort of know. Sure. What happens there. So just pick up again, I guess, after that portion. Yeah. Okay, great. Sorry. portion yeah okay great sorry sorry about that maybe i should just pick it up where we're kind of the next thing in the notes yeah no i probably went too far with the whole... It's fine. It was funny.

Yeah, the concept is funny, but in practice it was... It just goes back to McCarthyism. You know, it's funny to act really angry, and Melissa McCarthy does it all the time. Soccer. People love it around the world, but what is it? It's kicking only. We know that. And they have it in Spain, Germany, and all these other places. Go! Let me go! Let me go!

Recent studies have actually shown, though, that one eleventh of a soccer team is allowed to use their hands. of a soccer team is allowed to use their hands. Yes, and I actually have done even more research into that, and I found out that sometimes when they're outside of the bounds, then they can use it too. Now, the thing that I'll say now sort of upset me about that is that those are my soccer ideas. That's my soccer research. And in science, as in any art, you credit the artist.

And to hear my ideas like that on the speaker that was projecting outside of the Nokia theater was, that was difficult for me. Would you guys speak on the decision? I feel like it was covered under fair use. We were sort of doing like the girl talk of a TED talk. It was a girl TED talk where we were taking your ideas and sort of mashing them up and making them into their own thing. Yeah, I don't think we stayed on any one of your ideas for long enough that we would have

had to pay you for the idea. We took a break. We just passed a soccer ball back and forth. Well, I do like that kind of music. It gets me very excited. It gets me very excited. Should we cut to the podcast that I guess we chose to do after the love and the soccer ones, which is does a watch pot. Never boil.

Never. Never. A metaphorical kind of title for what. Right. Getting into the themes that week. Yes. And I guess we'll find out what that is a metaphor for. Yeah. Yeah. They often say a watched pot never boils. And that's true. If you're trying to make

a pot or any object boil simply by observing it,'re sol and uh we we should talk to you about that none of the rudeness yeah you know because i do know what that means yeah it's a science place and and so that's not for that if you're gonna say sol it should stand for science of love and that's it i understand but i sort of like to position myself as the rebel scientist. You know, that's why I wear the leather bomber jacket and you know, I've got the wraparound shades wrapped around the back

of my head because I'm indoors. Obviously, I said you like to enter the room backwards. Yeah, I like to enter the room. I can't moonwalk ever since I had the reconstructive ACL surgery, but I, you know, people understand it's kind of an attempt at moonwalking. And then people can see the back of the jacket. Can I see the back?

Yeah, that's a porcupine emblem. Yeah, and it says almost cursing. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I have it custom designed by my stepdad. And speak on your relationship. With your stepdad. With him, yeah. It's great. I mean, And speak on your relationship. With your stepdad. With him, yeah.

It's great. I mean, we have a great relationship. I, you know, he... Are you guys living separately or...? Yeah, yeah, we don't live... He works at his embroidery business. And, you know, he'll still send me... He taught me how to draw a porky pig

and he'll still send me drawings that he's done, new ones from new angles. It seems like every day he's sort of discovered a new angle of Porky Pig to draw. Yeah, he was working on an aerial view of Porky Pig when I was there the last time. And not just the top of his head and snout, but actually as if Porky was sunbathing on a roof and you were in a helicopter above watching that. Yeah, and you could see the shadow of the helicopter kind of covering his left hoof. The detail, yes, of that embroidery. And the bikini straps kind of resting to the side as if you were getting sort of a rare tree.

But if you had been, yes, underneath or if he sat up to put lotion on or something, you get to see the whole thing. Yeah. Neath or if he sat up to put lotion on or something. Exactly, yeah. You get to see the whole thing. And he's been doing a whole, you know, a lot of low angle portraits of Porky arching his back and stretching out. Stretching out the work. Some of the.

Yes. I mean, it's Porky. He's funny. I'm laughing because it's a comedic character. Well, he has a speech impediment and the idea of seeing from a low angle where you can actually, I mean, if you're low enough where you could look straight up his pant leg or something.

Or even from the back where you could follow that curly cute tail all the way home. Oui, oui, oui. He did a drawing recently of Porky in the x-ray machine from Total Recall. You could see the bone is curly as well. And the x-ray machine

from Total Recall. Yes. Yeah. It's not a humid x-ray machine. No, no. Like it's not a normal one like we use in our hospitals. Specifically the one. I it's not a normal one like we use in our hospitals. It's specifically the one. I realize it was a drawing inside a thought bubble that was emanating from Philip K. Dick's

grave. Before we get too far away from it, I realize I did say looking up his pant leg and I forgot to explain that while traditionally Porky Pig is not wearing pants, that your stepdad also does put him in some pretty unique outfits. He draws him in different outfits when he's wondering if he should buy new clothes. And he'll look at something online and he'll go draw Porky in it to see if Porky looks good in it. And so he'll be like, oh, he looks kind of nice in those Banana Republic trousers. And he's not a thin man.

He's not a thin man, so it's a fair way to figure out sort of what's going to fit his frame. Yes, exactly. And now your stepdad is your father. My dad, yeah. I just thought, are you hiding from that? Yeah, I just thought it might be interesting for people to know. Oh, I just thought it was obvious. Okay.

be interesting for people to know. Oh, I just thought it was obvious. Okay. Yeah, it is my dad and my dad porked your mom. Yeah. I mean, for like, you know. Right. After I was born. He says it. Yeah. Yeah, and so

and so, you know, we're all one happy family. Definitely. And you don't feel like, you know, Sean is there in the house house but you don't want to live in the house as well no i've kind of struck out yeah i've struck out on my own i i've got a nice tent in the backyard and um you know and and it's it's i just i'm an independent person i like having my independence yeah and, and I admire that. And I am sometimes jealous when I see like,

oh, he's got his own entrance. And you can come home whenever. And yeah, and has been able to run an extension cord out there. That was nice. That was a good day. It's like, that's sick. But at the same time, I'm in the basement. And I feel like rock really hard down there.

That's true. Which you can't necessarily do because your tent is so close to the neighbor's property line. That's true. That's true. And usually the cord is just in my lava lamp. But if I try to put it into a guitar, you have the amps, you have everything to really be able to rock out down there. I only have one power source at a time. And the light source, that's your light source.

It's my light source as well, yeah. So I could try, but I'm not good enough at the chords to be able to think of them in the dark. You couldn't see the guitar. Well, people are going to be wondering how that pot gets hot. Oh, yeah. Let's find out.

You could burn up the pot, but where would the fire come from? Well, not from just watching it. That's the problem. So when you think about whether a watch pot doesn't ever boil, then you would know that it never boils. And so if you do go to the store and buy the pot, just know when you get home that making it boil will be harder than just looking at it. Lesson one. When you turn the knob, It becomes fire on the top Lesson two

You may be wondering if you downloaded this podcast Why Boyle was spelt like Peter Boyle's last name A pot won't turn into Peter Boyle The act of boiling Lesson three A pot won't turn into Peter Boyle. The act of boiling. Lesson three. Pot is also something to bag kids' smoke.

Lesson four. B-O-I-L-I-N-G is becoming hot. B-O-Y-L-I-N-G is coming in with that great laugh line and making the studio audience go crazy. Let's say you put a watch inside a pot. That's not going to change anything, except you're going to be wondering where your

watch went. That's why lesson five is put a watch around the pot. Then you'll know how long it's taking. Lesson six. What about watches like a guy who's like the night watch at a factory? And that's another cut. Lesson seven. Let's say you just want to make

some pasta for soup. Just call a restaurant. They'll do it for you. Why I oughta? Okay. But you were mad that time. That time I was really pissed off. To send all that business to restaurants

when we are trying to launch a series of Wolf Cool pots. Pasta fazools. And pasta fazools, yes. Well, they're pots for making pasta fazool and they come with all the ingredients inside. Yeah, one-use pots. Instead of just going to all the different stores, you know, go to the grocery store for the pasta, go to the spice store for the fazool,

get the pot and some other garbage dump. Who has time? Get it all together in the mail, mix them all up. We send the water as well, which is special Italian water, which has the different minerals for, because LA water's heavy. Yeah, yeah. And Italian water, you know, and it comes in a thing that's shaped like a boot. It was, I could see why you would get upset.

Yeah, I really, it was a slip of the tongue, which would be a great idea for a future TED Talk. Oh, God. That's such a rich area. Should we play that episode? Yeah. Yes. Eating pussy.

It's a great way to make a girl cum. And that can be important. I call it a slip of the tongue. Lesson one. Memorize the alphabet before you go in there. Because it's going to come in handy. Lesson two. The better you're doing, the slipperier it gets. Lesson two The better you're doing the slipperier it gets

Lesson three Don't get scared Lesson four If you do get scared Pretend that you saw a mouse Lesson five If you aren't used to the taste of slime Mouse. Lesson five. If you aren't used to the taste of slime,

go lick some so you get used to it. Lesson six. Let's bring back that mouse Hayes mentioned earlier Is she cool with that? Lesson 7 A lot of people don't realize that getting slimed on the old Nickelodeon shows Was meant to replicate what happens if you Do a good job With your eating pussy?

What do you mean? That's how it should end. That should be the final result. Speak on that. Something similar to the experience of getting slimed on, say, Figure It Out, one of these old Nickelodeon shows that we all love. Great network. Don't you love those old Nickelodeon shows?

I can watch them all day. Anything from any old show from when I was a kid. And they were actually funny, and they were pretty twisted in a way that stuff on TV for kids is not anymore. It's all safe now. Dude, some of these shows when we were kids were so fucked up. It'd be about nose picking. They could talk about nose picking. And some of them were actually scary too when they tried to be.

Some of them were genuinely actually scary. Dude, yeah, it's fucked up some of this shit that they're trying to do to some of these guys. They're trying to kill those Power Rangers. And did that influence on you? Yeah, it's fucked up some of this shit that they're trying to do to some of these guys. They're trying to kill those Power Rangers. Yeah. And did that influence on you? Yeah. Well, you know, originally I was trying to come up with a podcast idea. I thought I'm just going to get a bunch of kids and I'm going to gather them around a campfire

and I'm going to have them tell each other stories, scary stories. And then I'll just record them and make that into a podcast. And what happened with that idea? The fire ruined the audio. Oh, right. Because of the screaming. Well, yeah, the kids,

I built it too large. Their feet were in it. You're recording out of your tent in the backyard, which is not a great place to have a fire inside. I just got one directional mic. And it's that thing where to summon a story or whatever, the kids have to throw the fire exploder onto the fire. Yeah, and most of their stories,

I'd say tell your scariest story, and most of them revolved around how they wound up there. Right. The events leading up to them being in a stranger's backyard. And you think of what I learned from just observing this experience is a lot of times the sort of fire exploder is just sort of like a special effects powder that makes a poof, but you were having them throw a car battery into the middle of the fire. Yeah, I've been trying to get rid of these car batteries, as you know, for years.

Oh, yeah, no, I bought a couple of those. You can't just throw them in the trash. You have to dispose of them a special way. You did a TED Talk on kid acquisition. Should we play some of that? Sure, sure. Okay. Kids.

They're everywhere. But what if you want one and you don't have one? You can't just make one. You've got to go get one. And science can help. You can look at geometry and figure out what angle I should approach a kid so he can't see me. You can look at where the sun is. If you can't see it, it's probably dark out and it's a little bit easier to go at a kid from an angle at which he can't already see you. Lesson one.

If you keep your mouth shut, I won't hurt you. Lesson two. I talked to your mom and she's sick and she needs you to come to her with me. Lesson number three. Look, here's a form. Your parents signed it. It says you belong to me now. Lesson four. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Look, you can stay up late, watch whatever you want.

We can eat candy for dinner. Anything, anything you want to do. Shut up. Lesson six. Yes, that form is written on a Tootsie Roll Pop wrapper. I bet that Tootsie Roll Pop is somewhere inside the canoe. Lesson ten. Here's a hair dye packet.

I'll help you. You need to change your hair color. Less than 55. That's not your name anymore. So that's our podcast. That's the new one. I think it's going to be a big hit. As long as it's higher than Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, I don't care.

Honestly, that's the only thing that is important to me at this point. I understand that's how a lot of people get their news. I think the death of traditional newspapers at the hands of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, I frankly do not think is a positive development in our society. You're not getting in-depth coverage. Yes. You're just getting the highlights, the bullet points. Yes. And Paula Poundstone, to me, is not a real journalist.

No. There's only a couple of real journalists. Tom Bodette. Shelby Farrow. Trying to think of who else is a journalist. Moe is a real journalist. Okay. He's in a gray area for me where, yes, he's a journalist, but he's also a true entertainer.

He's a journalist, but he's also a true entertainer. Which to me, when the Daily Show opened up, he's been there before. What's the explanation? Why wasn't it Moe? Moe Rocca. Yeah. He may just literally not have had time or they may not. He may have changed his number and they can't get it.

Yeah. Maybe they couldn't afford him. Maybe. Yeah. Well, yeah. So that's the episode of the show. Neil, thanks so much for being here and we're really looking forward to- Cody, wake up. Wake up.

Cody, Cody, Cody, Cody, Cody. Wake up. Cody, show Neil your poison oak. Oh, Neil, you don't want to see this. That gives me an idea for a podcast. It's been a true honor, guys guys and thanks for launching my new podcast I can't wait to keep working with you can't wait to kick ass

and let's do this thing it will be on Wolf Cool has it's own app it's on the app store send us your phones we can install the app we can do a procedure. It's a hard hardware installation.

There's a little fob. Actually, yeah, it's a physical chip we put in. So and you'll love it. And that's how you hear all the wolf cool. And the TED show is going to be coming out every third Sunday at – I thought it was summer. Every third summer. Sorry.

My LASIK is giving out on me. I got to go do a new one. But if the equinox is happening, it won't come out that day. Well, yeah. That's obvious. Yeah. So – Pro version. The, yeah. That's obvious. Yeah. So, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Pro version.

The pro version. Who wins it? The pro version goes to Witty Llama. Witty Llama gets a pro version and they get an exclusive look, just a quick glimpse

at Neil Campbell's podcast about Cody's poison oak rash. And that's for Witty Llama. Hey, Cody, let me take a closer look at that. I need you to take the whole shirt off. I don't know how far it's spread. Oh, I've seen a little around the waistline. You've got to lose the pants, too.

Bye. I've seen a little around the waistline you gotta lose the pants too bye Hollywood Handbook is brought to you by Wolf Cool Productions a subsidiary of Calvin and Hobbes baby Ooh, baby.