Hollywood Handbook - New Card Business, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

Sean and Hayes execute a business plan. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: HANDBOOK) and ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecrutier.com/first).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. So it's me and me by myself. And I'm doing live action Tomb Raider. I have my shorts and I'm sneaking around the neighborhood wrestling dogs. And I have my dual-wheeled super soakers and I'm winning. I'm advancing through the different stages. And then I encounter the boss character, my wife. And she comes out and is like, put on your clothes.

Like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm doing my Easter egg hut. Because you know I like to do a fantasy Easter egg hut every year. The night before, I hide them all. And then I'm searching for them like treasure. And I can't believe I missed this one. Because, of course, last year the theme was the grinch yes and uh and that was so so fun that everyone was being the grinch and all we were all

down who will compete to who was like who was going to be the the best grinch yeah who was the main grinch you know and i remember that being one of my favorite Easter egg hunts of all the ones I've been on. And it's a fantasy that a lot of people have, you know, but it did end up... Who hasn't imagined I would be the main Grinch if there were a lot of Grinches

in town? You know, who honestly, show me a guy who hasn't imagined that fantasy and I'll show you a guy who hasn't imagined that fantasy, and I'll show you a guy who's already dead. Yeah, and is sort of a weirdo. And is a freak. Like, what's going on for you?

And if he's not dead, he should be. And I'm not for genocide, wiping out entire groups of people. But this one, you know, it's not racially motivated or anything, which I think is positive. And it's not about religion, which I don't know how I feel about that. But it is about living and imagining and your brain being maybe sick if you haven't thought about that. So my wife says, Easter, you have to go to church. And I say, I don't want to go to church. And this is how I do Easter. You know, like, do not approach me about the way that I celebrate this holiday.

It's something called the constitution. Your ritual is every bit as valid, is every bit as important and sacred as whatever they're doing in some building with a freaking X on the top? It's called the consolation, thank you. And so ultimately she did

make me squirt myself, like sort of commandeer my guns and make me squirt myself in my tank top disintegrated. Oh, wow. We got married by the way did i mention that oh wow congratulations and i it's like sorry sorry sorry it's i am married to her she is not technically she is not married to you so actually i should not she i should not have said wife before she is my friend you are her husband i am her husband but she's your friend and the freedoms that go along with yes which is another thing i love that we're experimenting with these

different ways to that you know you can sort there's like a spectrum of these things uh and it doesn't have to be just like okay you i'm like i now pronounce you man and wife and like if someone does want to be your friend but they do insist that you are their husband, then there is room for that. Yeah, and you're friends, but you're friends with Benadryl. Because you both have allergies. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook and Insider's Guide to Kicking Butt and Dropping Names in the Red Carpet Lineback Hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We're always thinking about new ways to be alive in Hollywood.

And yes, to keep ourselves relevant, living, being able to be still alive, and to sort of stay cutting edge, new, and alive. And to be able to afford water. The basics, water. And hammer sandwich. Bread. Yes, well, bread for the hammer sandwich. And so, you know, once we have those two things, it's like, all right,

now we can think of some other, you know, maybe more ambitious ideas. But for right now, let's get the water and the bread. And one of the things we've come up recently to earn that is this trend that is sweeping the nation that is so big. It's huge. It's in almost every store. And how are we going to hitch onto it? How are we going to put our stamp on it? How are we going to add our voice to the conversation? So we've been seeing these, these cards.

And I got one. Okay, great. I've just kind of been hearing about these and seeing other people have them, but you actually did get one. I, so yeah. And I didn't even realize I got it. So as we were starting to embark on this journey, So, yeah, and I didn't even realize I got it. So as we were starting to embark on this journey, it's these, let's just say, it's these cards. There's a front and a middle. They're in a thing.

There might be a back also. They're in a thing that look like it's the same size but must be a little bit bigger because they are inside of it. And it doesn't fit inside the card. No. The bigger one. I've tried to do the, well, it does, but stick out. Because you could put it in the middle. You could probably put it on the back if there is one. I haven't ever turned it over.

But you could probably put it on the back or put it flat on the table and put the card on top. Yeah. And people collect all these different kinds. There's kinds for Easter, Halloween. For Halloween, for graduation. Yes. It's like maybe the best way.

For I'm sorry. Everyone knows about some e-cards. This is like that, but it's like not e-cards. It's like some non-e-cards. That was what was so interesting to me is to take this. I haven't seen it work this way before where there's a viral digital phenomenon like some e-cards. And somebody says, well, let's roll back the clock, go analog with this.

And imagine, presuppose, what if this was based on a hard copy, actual physical version of a card like this? Yes. Where there's sometimes a joke, but sometimes a very sweet poem that might say, you know, to my son and then honor how noble your son is and what a man he's become. Or it might say, well, we'll get into what it might say because we're going to design a bunch of these cards, but they are used to say greetings and they're used to say thanks. And they are used to say, hey, you're five.

And by the way, yes, we don't have a guest today people are noticing this and saying like oh like is it because they couldn't get a guest they couldn't get a guest and kevin emailed six people and every single one was out of town that is not what we do not want to cut other people in on something like this this This is going to be very, very profitable. And if you know anything about business, if somebody was here when we're saying the idea for some of these card designs, they actually get 35% of the money. Yeah. And so you say like, oh, it can be Deshaun Hayes doing it by themselves, or you can bring

someone else into it that's getting the percent of the money and it's worse. I'm thinking like, I don't remember what the first option was, and now I don't remember the second one either. And I don't remember that there was even options. But there's less of the money, and Engineer Ryan don't get any money because, of course, he's not American. No. So he can't get American business money,

which is what we're planning to be printing pretty soon. Yes. And the same machine as the cards. Yeah, well, that's what's so nice about... You can put money, the design of money on the cards. We pulled together the last of our water and bread money and put together enough

of a bit of a nest egg, Easter, to buy a really big card printing machine. Card printing machine. Easter egg, yeah. And so we've really big card printing machine. Oh, yes. Easter egg. Easter egg, yeah. And so we've got this card printing machine, and what's the first thing we're going to feed into it? You know, one of our brilliant card designs.

So let's start with one of these brilliant card designs where the first thing you do is you say, who is going to be the lucky getter? And imagine who's opening this large thing that is folded that you can stick and pulling out this thing that is folded you can fold open and hard. So maybe we start, I have been hearing these various reports on the news about it.

It's Mother's Day. Yeah. And, but when this comes out. And two day ago, two day ago. But maybe the card says it's Mother, like it is Mother's Day today. Cause it always is. Well well if you're getting this card then like part of like the story behind the card is like well today is Mother's Day so you're

reading this and you're not like oh it was a while ago it says on the card that it is today oh so we're saying the day the card was written was Mother's Day. And then you can actually give it to them all year. Yes. Oh, that's really smart. And they're reading it. It's sort of like, not trick them, but help them think that it is Mother's Day. That can work also because sometimes very popular is belated birthday card. Right.

Now we go, hey, today's your birthday. Yes. Yes. And you can literally give it to anyone whenever. Yes. And you just go like, well, that's when the card was done. So you start, you say, who for Mother's Day would want a card? Would want a card and sort of who do I want to be my mom?

Yeah. and sort of who do I want to be my mom? Yeah, well, yes. It is that situation where you're asking someone to be your mom with a big heart-shaped card with some lace around the sides and some sort of like be mine mommy messaging. And so you do have to imagine the audience and of course imagine the audience in their underwear and so for me i'm thinking about that blake lively i wouldn't mind so much that blake lively being my mom this year wow and uh i hate to be shallow but uh i watched the But I watched The Shallows and I want my mommy is a little something I was thinking during some of those scenes with the wetsuit. All of it.

So you're going to go with Blake Lively and that is so smart. And I'm going to say, how about this Carolyn Ray, this Caroline Ray figure who's been – She'd be a very interesting mom. Who has been absolutely on fire lately. She's starting to do this comedy. And as a mom – That's so sweet to have a funny mom. She's cracking up, but I got to say something else about her.

And I don't want to say it, but it's something that we're all thinking about. If she is your mom, she is in fact a MILF. And if you don't know that term, go ahead and ask the Shermanator from American Pie. Because the Shermanator is going to clear it up to you, to John Cho, and to just about everybody else. Like a what's a MILF card. Oh, and we're already starting to go outside of the territory that some e-cards cover. Because sometimes you have to write the whole thing out to Blake Lively or whoever.

But in this time, the outside part already says to the Shermanator. To the Shermanator. Yeah. And there's a drawing maybe of like

a turtle going to school. Mm-hmm. Because it's an educational card. Yes. So the turtle's got a stack of books and a backpack. Well, I didn't see any backpack. He's got a shell. Well, he says my shell is my backpack.

And he's holding books. He's got glasses on. He's holding the book? What's the backpack for? Pens. So he's holding a stack of books yeah my shells

my backpack he's saying my shells glasses okay glasses and he's graduation cap or then it's like

why is he going to school well he can have it in the case still okay it's ready to go but it's not ready to come out yet

yeah yeah so he's ready to go but it's not ready to come out yet yeah um yeah so he's ready uh and he's hitting a light jog because it's uh and so you do some speed lines not too extreme because he's not sprinting right but he's seeing that he might be a little late for school and he is sort of a stand-in for the Shermanator who has some learning to do still. Oh, I thought that was me. Oh, okay.

I thought the Shermanator was explaining to me what a MILF is. Oh, I'm sorry. So the Shermanator in this case is school. So maybe we see in the distance. The turtle's John Cho. Yes. And the Shermanator's telling us what a MILF is. Still, his mom's an example.

So the turtle is John Cho. And Shurminator is the school. And Shurminator is the school. So, maybe there's a building over in the distance that he's running to, but there's like a little mirror. And a red brick building would perhaps demonstrate because Shurminator, if you remember, was a ginger. Almost looked like Ferguson from Closer Explains It All. Off-brand Seth Green. So the turtle is like a right. So in that case, you don't really need to put anything inside the card because-

No, there's so much here. So this is for somebody who doesn't know what a MILF is. And you probably want to write underneath the turtle, like, an arrow pointing up, I'm John Cho. And the school will be called, like, Shermanator Elementary or something. Right. And so that's why I would also help to have a mirror on top. So he, like, a little, like, reflective portion. So he's looking at the card and he's saying like, oh, like I am the school. Yeah, and you might want to have a portrait of a MILF.

Right. In the halls of one of the school. I don't know that you'll be able to see it on the card because it's two-dimensional, but in one of the hallways or even in the principal's office, you might want to have a portrait of a MILF. She's older. principal's office. You might want to have a portrait of a MILF. She's older. She's robust.

And she's in some kind of teddy. A slinky teddy. Yeah, she's in a slinky teddy. Garters, et cetera. And so then he has room on the inside to write the explanation. And so there should be another outside envelope that comes in the card that is addressed back to – Envelope?

Right. So this is – I was sort of looking some stuff up while we were talking. And I look up the outside part that folds, and you do give it like a big white kiss. Ah. And that is the envelope. Okay. And that'll make it not necessarily flopping around.

Yes. Because you know how sometimes it is falling out. Yes. You forgot the kiss. Well, this is all very helpful. Envelope. That's perfect. What a great. That's perfect. What a great.

That's great. Because I'm calling it, here I was calling it paper slit. Yeah. That was the only name I had for it. Oh, it sounded like the beginning of a list. Oh, really? Just the way you said it. Yeah, it did seem like item one on like a list of things that you call it.

Oh, wow. But that's it. Card house, but that makes me think of Kevin Spacey. So we did that one. What are some other good cards? I'm noticing that a lot of these cards in the store are for Garfield. Well, yes. We've designed one hit card already that's going to go viral,

probably make e-cards have to fold up and bring their website home. Now, the Garfield stuff, you get into a sticky legal situation because Garfield owns his own image. Yeah. And he also owns quite a bit of lasagna. He's addicted to this stuff. So what you want to do if you have a Garfield-type idea, for instance, you want to see John hitting on the vet.

Mm-hmm. Right? And she's sort of being like, just chump. And you want to have Garfield there kind of being like, I agree with the vet. You have to move where the stripes are on Garfield's butt. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. on Garfield's butt. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And we found that if you put the stripes over Garfield's face so it's hidden and maybe on the vet, it doesn't take anything away from the card. One way to do it also is just to have them be kind of like resting

on the ground around him. And so then like a savvy reader will say, oh, he sneezed. Yes. And they explode it off. And that is something we really want to try to do with our cards is sort of drop off the joke and let the audience come pick it up. Yes. And so he's not saying I sneezed, necessarily. No, no. He doesn't

have to. But he does, you know, rubbing his nose with a tissue. And then legally, if you're rendering a character but all his stripes are exploded off, then that's not the same guy. No, it's a totally different character.

And we're just, we're, you know, Hayes and I do smart comedy on our greeting cards. And there's a lot of these, some e-cards and some of these other people who want to do what we do, who are bringing the joke to you on a plate. Your jokes, sir. And force feeding you,

shoving a ladle in your throat. And what we're doing is, we're sort of going like, hey, did you hear? I heard there's a joke in the back room or something. Yeah, and just sort of like. We're sort of circulating the party. Right. Just like, did you hear about? I heard there's actually a joke coming later or there was one earlier in the other room.

And in the ladle version, just like taking the ladle and just sort of spooning it out on the ground. Just sort of, yeah. Almost, remember in Shawshank or whatever where they have to get rid of the dirt or rock

and they come out as pants? Well, the joke was sort of, but food in this case, it is a food analogy. Release it. And so we are putting the food in our pants and just sort of like... Or the soup, I guess. Pull string, yeah. And just sort of a little soup.

Yeah, just a little soup. And then it comes dripping out your pant leg. And then the people at the party say, oh, look at this, some soup. And then it's so much more enjoyable for them to discover the soup. Imagine you're at a party and some beef barley soup comes dripping out of someone's pant leg who you're having a conversation with. Wouldn't you go, oh, thank you for treating me like someone intelligent. I'll be able to come and find and eat this soup myself rather than having it

shoved in my face. So it's John and the vet and Garfield is there, a version of him. Where's Nermal? He's in Abu Dhabi? He was sent to Abu Dhabi. Yes.

Son of a bitch and so you're mailing this to Garfield Garfield remember to put holes in the backs he gotta breathe yeah he's annoyed

Garfield jealous you know cause that's the thing Kenny's so cute you know he is cute and he is nice and he's not really doing anything, but it is Garfield's house.

No, he's jealous, you know. And John likes him better, I guess, but Garfield hates John, but he also wants John's respect. He wants attention, yeah. Yeah. So you send that card to Garfield and off it goes. What else do we want to do a card uh okay

well some of the cards you see these days are for the post milf set uh you remember show men of a Certain Age? Okay. Ray Romano, Under Brower.

I'm remembering. And the third guy. Yes. Well, Women of a Certain Age. Scott Dracula. Scott Dracula. Women of a Certain Age don't have that show. Ah, they need the cards.

What they have is cards. And some of the cards that are going to be really hot this year is like old lady, gray hair. I know her. Shades on. Yes. She's standing there and going, I remember when my tits were higher than my fucking knees or some shit. And she's shooting you straight, drinking a glass of Merlot.

Yeah, she's got the Merlot. Kevin! Kevin, can we have a seat please and it's and we're being friends in the seat not necessarily sitting down to try to have a fight and can we just establish that the situation was not that you emailed six people asking him to do the show, and they all said no. Can we just clarify that this is not the situation? Can you remember that that didn't happen? And we do want to do the show by ourself. Yeah, you guys totally wanted to do the show by yourself.

I could have reached out to six people, but you said, that's okay, don't do it. But if you did that, they probably all would have said yes, now we've got six guests and we've got to split this money like seven or eight ways. Yeah, it would be really difficult. So I'm glad that you were able to do an episode by yourself. But had you done that, what would you have done so badly that all those people would say, oh, no, I'm saying no to Kevin. Oh, right.

It would be Kevin's fault if they all said no. If that had happened. Yeah, that's a great question for this hypothetical. That is a great question. Maybe they don't like my creep shots. They feel uncomfortable by my presence. They would have preferred if you guys would have reached out instead of me. But then they would go, this is weird.

Why are these guys reaching out? They're so busy, famous. Where's Kevin? Where's Kevin? So, yeah, hypothetically, that would put you guys in a difficult situation. If that happened, we'd be in a tough spot where there's really no foreseeable scenario where we end up with a guest because we can't reach out to ourselves. People say, where's Kevin?

But nobody wants to say yes to Kevin. So here's a way to make this right, I think, this thing that didn't happen. This other thing that I've been thinking about is you come in here and you take your pictures and then you leave and then you got what you wanted. But I got nothing out of this. Yeah. So maybe we make a deal this time where. Make a meal this time.

Chef Kevin. I didn't. Okay. I didn't say that. But he was thinking it. And so maybe this time you take your picture. But I get something on my end, which is that you have to buy one of these cards. We're doing these cards now.

Cards? Yes, cards. Yeah. Do you know what some e-cards is? No. Okay. Of course he doesn't. Oh, my God.

What a fucking... Wait till he finds out. Kevin's my normal. So, cards are almost like there's a front to them. Yes. But there's a front to them. Yes. But there's a middle. Oh, yeah. You know, paper.

Yeah. Okay. Take the paper. Triple it. Yes. Thicken it. Okay. Okay.

Take one side of the paper and moosh it up against the other side. Squash. Right. And now side of the paper and moosh it up against the other side. Squash. Right? And now. It's a tissue. No, that's not a tissue, Kenner. No. No.

Don't moosh it like that. No, you're doing it wrong. Oh. So you. All right. Do you really know what paper is? Like I know of it. Okay.

So. Imagine the paper. like I know of it. Okay. So imagine the paper how do I do this without using because I'm on it. Imagine if a baby is little

Yes. and a MILF is a big grown up version of the baby. Yes. Then maybe the paper this is like the sort of MILF element of, and I wish we had that card because that would help. I know, we already mailed it.

It's a grown-up version of the paper where it's a little bit thicker, got a little more heft to it, and you could do more with it. Right. You know what I mean? So baby versus MILF is like paper versus this card. to it and you could do more with it. So Baby vs. Milf is like Paper vs. this card. Yeah, okay. And you can give it a big kissy

and you can open it up. Jesus Louise. Toss a pen in there. I think I know what cards are now. Great. So you're doing cards? So we're doing cards now and we're going to do one for you, and you have to buy it, and maybe it's for your mom.

So who do you want your mom to be this year? Who do I want my mom to be? Yes. Oh, Kevin forgot Mother's Day. Uh-oh, it's Mother's Day. You're supposed to have already picked out your new mom. Oh, no. It can't be my birth. It can't be my

birth. Can't be Blake Lively. Can't be Blake Lively. And it can't be my... Can't be Carolyn Ray. Can't be Carolyn Ray. Wait, did you say it can't be your birth mom? Yeah. It's kind of weird to like... Cards can be kind of romantic. Oh.

It's just kind of a weird thing to give. Do you have a preference? Do you have any recommendations you give? Wow. Looking at you. I have an idea. Who could be your mom? Okay.

Ryan telling me before, Engineer Ryan, the guy who's over there, is going to see his mom. Very soon. Okay. Maybe we save money on a stamp. And he can bring Kevin's Mother's Day card directly to his own mom. Yes. And we don't have to necessarily put all these stamps on. Yes. Two birds.

Because I already were talking about the envelope before. Two birds, Because I already were talking about the envelope before. Two birds, one cup. It's funny. It's gross, but it's funny. Well, because, I mean, think about it. I already gave the envelope a big kiss, and I don't have as much kissing juice for the stamp now. Yeah.

Kevin, remember what we said. Oh, sorry. We get that after you buy the card, and the card's expensive. Yes. Well, that could be really great. So we have to do the card for Ryan. It is from Kevin for Ryan's mom. It's for Ryan's mom, but I want to say I'd love to embrace diversity a little bit with this card.

Okay. And so we don't necessarily have to treat Ryan's mom like she's like Ryan. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay. I'm fully is, Kevin, is there a particular race or culture that you have an affinity for? And Ryan, is there a race or culture that your mom could convincingly portray on the card? I like dogs.

Okay. My mom could be a dog. Great. Okay. His mom could be a dog. Okay. My mom could be a dog Great Okay His mom could be a dog Okay Well And We Now we didn't use Odie

On that Garfield card No We still do have All the Odies The sort of Iron odds But Looking at Ryan

I'm leaning more Muttly Right Okay Yes The laugh is very Like It's a lot Like Yeah So Okay more muttly. Right. Okay. Yes. The laugh is very, like, it's a lot,

like, yeah. So. Okay. So Ryan's mom is muttly. Is convincingly be muttly. She's muttly.

But Kevin wants it to be his mom, but also a date. Yes. So maybe here's what I'm picturing. Uh-huh. It's Kevin on the card yes

but Kevin is dicked astrally yep and but he's got an empty sidecar mmm

but he's sort of like if you can read this the bitch fell off right but he's sad about that. Yeah, no, no, no, no. He is. He's pissed.

Yes. So he's looking for a new Muttley, in this case Ryan's mom, to join him in the sidecar. Yes, perfect, perfect. But there has to be more than that. This is such a good card. Yes. No, well, the outside should say perhaps something like, to my son, I'm so honored at the man you've become and the dignity you carry yourself with.

From my womb to the front of the room, you're a class act. Kaboom, kaboom. Stop, stop. Let's save that. That's for the inside. Yeah. You're a class act and a fun fact.

And you, well, the kaboom, kaboom thing threw me off. But I think we had the makings of what was a really good card, where there's sort of a poem to your son on the outside. That is a very good way to convince her that Kevin is her son now. Mm-hmm. And the inside could say something like, this was, the poem on the front was you talking to Kevin.

And that's me. FYI. And you're Muttley. Yes. And if anybody wants to do the laugh. The laugh? Yeah, Muttley's laugh. Woof, woof, woof, woof.

Okay, good. Okay, that's a good card. Now, what do we think is a fair price for that card? And remember that you are also getting a picture out of this. It's not only just us doing this dice card for you, and you have this wonderful new mom now. But you are also getting to take a picture of it. So I'm just saying, so now like, well, you know.

It might be a little more expensive. Yes. How much do I have to pay? Are we figuring out price as well? You know, we're talking about fairness and just what we think is like a good. For example, one thing that Sean and I have been talking about how we would really enjoy recently is water. Great. Okay.

We have become – Dehydrated. Yes. I'm one of the thirstiest people that I have ever met. Yeah. And I obviously don't want to get into any gross sort of bathroom stuff. That's more the arena of the comedy bang bangs, the

OMFGs, those shows that sort of talk about that kind of functioning. So go listen to that and come back if you are having a real chance. But what I'll say in the kindest sort of just like most kind of straightforward medical terms is I have not been doing a lot of pee-pees. No. are – it's like mud. Oh. Because no water.

Yeah. It's like dirt. And I don't know – well, no, because what's happening is my body is pulling liquid-like stuff from other areas of my body. So some of the juice that maybe is supposed to be layering my organs, keeping them wet. It's trying to find water inside itself. And it's being able to create a mud out of the dirt that I'm eating because we have no bread. And dirt-free.

And worms in it so that's a situation that I'm in and I don't want to be gross about it you can listen to some of those other shows if you want to hear people fetishize and you know romanticize the sort of expulsion of,

uh, bodily juices. That's not what we do on this show. We make cool greeting cards. So maybe since we're giving you all this stuff, the picture of the cards, it might be fair for you to give us some wet bread. Okay.

And a lot of it, because I do worry about if I am at this with the way my body feels, if I am just eating or just drinking, the other situation will become such an emergency that I will go into some kind of brain shock. Oh, yeah. When I brought up the mud even, that's not happening in any sort of predictable pattern or I'm getting no indication that that's coming. That's happening

just whenever. A little bit all the time, really. And so it might be good to take the water and the bread and have it be some sort of water bread. And as we talk about the water bread, for people listening at home going like, why don't you just go down to the pond and go and get in there?

The ducks are smart and mean at this pond. Yes, very mean. Yes. Can I give waterbread to Ryan's mom as well? Do you think she'll appreciate that? Jesus. Jesus, Kevin! That's...

That's why the man's right here! He's right here. It's his mom! It's so unbelievably rude... Jesus! ...to offer Ryan's mom water bread. Oh! Ryan's mom is mutley.

She needs a bone. Oh. Ryan's mom is mutley. She needs a bone. Oh, God. Jesus. Um, well, maybe it's time

to do an erotic card. Uh, one that is aimed at a more romantic holiday. Mm-hmm. Uh, I think you know the one I'm talking about. Yes. Yeah. It's aimed at a more romantic holiday. I think you know the one I'm talking about.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. And I don't think I need to necessarily say it. I think we all know this holiday is when lovers find each other and want to communicate some of their feelings that are a little more risque. It's a holiday. Well, okay, I'll go ahead and say it. You do want to say it? Yes.

Okay. It's 10th birthday. You don't mean 10th anniversary? Well, yeah, it is a 10th anniversary. It's an anniversary in a way. Yes, a birthday comes every year. Of the birthday, yeah. Just double checking.

So I'm thinking that this could be a race car cake with 10 candles on it. Whoa. Cool. And it's rooming. Yeah. It's speeding. and it's rooming it's speeding

it's maybe it's Lightning McQueen but maybe we change some of the design take the stripes

off maybe he's going so fast the stripes fell yeah he could have sneezed also or

oh he sneezed so hard that the stripes came off maybe Mater is towing the stripes okay that could be good but Mater also needs a different he would have to have sneezed as well Maybe Mater is towing the stripes. Okay, that could be good.

But Mater also needs a different. He would have to have sneezed as well. He sneezed also and he blew his headlights off. And they're stuck in Lightning McQueen's tailpipe. Okay. And the card should say something clever. Right. Something that indicates.

Suggestive. Yeah. That's suggestive. Yeah, that's suggestive. Yeah. Okay. And so what would that be where the card says, today you are 10, tomorrow,

so tomorrow. Sorry, are you saying you are 10 or you are a 10 okay well maybe that's it today you are 10 today you are 10 tomorrow you are a 10

tomorrow you are a 10 yeah okay and then inside it says and so am I right and so then I. Right. And so then they sort of fill in for me. We're both 10s.

Yeah. What does nature want from a couple of 10s? Okay. So, Kevin, who would you like to give that card to? Frankly, nobody. I mean, Ryan's mom seems really nice. I'm clearly testing the waters with gifts for her. Jesus! We already said that she does not need waters.

She's probably older than 10, right? We are getting the waters, and Ryan's mom is Muttley. Just to clarify. She eats bones. You can give this to someone on any person's 10th birthday. Like it doesn't have to be to the 10-year-old. Like if I was interested in someone in their 20s, but it was like my neighbor's 10th birthday.

Well, it's somebody's 10th birthday when we're making the card. Yes. Like that's when the card is written. It doesn't have anything to do with when. You can't time out giving someone a card on the exact day of what you know what i mean like that yeah because if you wrote it some other day it would be fake yeah so you write it on someone's 10th birthday and then you could give it to whoever for anything yeah great that's what's so great about these things is they're evergreen. So who is someone you would like to just give the card to?

Probably Ryan now. Okay. Okay, and then I wonder if Ryan has anything to say about that. Thanks. Great. Okay. He's in. Okay, that's done.

You don't think it's weird to give Ryan a card? And then his mom. Yeah. And the card is kind of like that you are interested in a 10-year-old. And he's carrying your card to his mom, to his own mom. Yeah. And then you're telling her she's your mom. Right.

And then you're handing him that card. Can I give you guys a card? What would even be on it? It would be a smiley face on the front, and then on the inside it would say, this is how I feel. Okay. Thank you.

Well, what if I want to be the smiling? Then underneath it could say, and how you feel. Thank you. It's me and you? Yes. So what am I doing? Do you feel like you would smile? You and Hayes are smiling?

Yeah. Both of you. On the front? It's me and Kevin. It's one face. That would probably make me pretty scared. Uh-oh. So I guess I want to have sort of a grimace,

and you may want to get a picture of the face that I'm going to have to make on the card. So he's reading it, and he's scared because his friend, Hayes, is stuck on Kevin's face. And he seems to like it. And Kevin's loving it. And he somehow maybe has like brainwashed Hayes to think he likes it too. When I know Hayes wants to have his own face. We've talked about it. Maybe too much.

He loves his face. So I, and it's very nice so i and who's and also who is turning 10 in this who's turning 10 who's turned on and what cartoon is in it oh it could be like earwolf's 10th birthday which is like the reason we're all here. Rejected. And don't make that card and use our card printing machine. It could also, we could make it just in advance to have it ready and it is celebrating Earwolf's 10th birthday,

but we're also saying like we are no longer working at this company anymore. That's cool. It's sort of a piss-off message to Earwolf. Yes. It would be good to have that ready so that when we are finally splitskies from this place, we don't have to design the whole card after we've made the decision.

We have the card that's ready to go. And we're already showing the Kevin side off on it. Kevin is happy. He's happy for us that we have better opportunities. Maybe it's Kevin really giving it to Scripps. This backfired. He's got him. Because we already have Kevin smiling.

We could have him be saying basically anything. He's got him leaned over a guardrail on the side of the highway. Scripps and Earwolf. Ulrich is in it too. And he's giving it to him. And he's giving it to them. And he's giving it to all three of them. And then he's really smiling. Here's where we use that smile you wanted, Kev.

He's laying into them something ferocious. And you can see, and there's speed lines behind his rear end. And maybe there's like a thump-a-thump-a sound effect as well. And Ulrich is there. And the ear wolf. And they're all like, oh, no. And he's more like, oh, yes. And then the inside says Hayes and Sean have moved on to another company.

It's very different than the smiley face. No, it's actually not different. As we mentioned, you are doing the smiley face in it. It's just more ideas. Yes, than just are doing the smiley face in it. It's just more ideas. Yes, than just like one little smiley face. We have all this. Cards are huge. Yeah, the cards are huge.

We have all this space on the card. Yeah, we've got some really big ones in all different shapes. I'd like to do a smart card if we could. Okay. One that is maybe even more of a thinker. One where we're maybe even more of a thinker, one where we're maybe even hiding the soup in a safe, basically. I see.

Soup. You don't know. And I've seen these, and they're almost in the style of the New Yorking magazine. Okay, yes, yes. And so I think what it should maybe be is like, maybe it's like a horse in like a therapist's office. Okay. And maybe the therapist is Kusei Husei.

Yes. And maybe the horse is saying something like, I was in favor, but I can only say nay, or something like that. I was in favor. Yeah, there's like a that. I was in favor. Yeah, there's like a vote. There was a vote. He's in some sort of vote, like a Robert's Rules of Order situation. Yeah.

Where you'd have to say aye if you were in favor, but a horse say nay. Can only say nay. But he's telling his therapist this. He's regretting that the vote didn't pass. Freaked out. And I have another, and if you don't like it. Can I say I do like it. Oh. As you're talking about it, I am having trouble getting the magazine in the envelope.

Oh, okay. Well, okay. We may not want to do it. Because there's an alternate version of this where there's a pirate. Okay. We may not want to do it. Because there's an alternate version of this where there's a pirate. Okay. Outside? No. Inside.

The pirate's inside. Okay. In his therapist's office. And he's saying, I was opposed. Okay. But I can see. But I'm just so used to saying I oh yeah right right right right maybe he has to say matey this is an alternate version i mean i guess they say r more than they say i should

just be a generic sailor right well a y e i will okay so how about this one okay and this is an alternate version. Okay. And we can do it. They're outside? It's good that sometimes we'll want to buy all three cards. They are going to be inside for this one. Okay.

And they're doing the vote. Okay. So it's political. Yes. And so, and Qusei Hussein is like far away. You see him like way far away. So you know that this is somewhere else. Did he fart so hard it blasted him far away?

Or that's really kind of more like, that's more for one of our other cards. Yes. But there could be a cloud. There could be a mushroom cloud. Somewhere else. Yeah. Yes. And so you say that's where he farted so hard.

And so now he's like all the way over here. But the whole idea is just to show that like, oh, this is a different one. He's somewhere else. Yeah. Yes. And so you say that's where he farted so hard. And so now he's like all the way over here. But the whole idea is just to show that like, oh, this is a different one. He's somewhere else. And so it's doing the vote. Yeah. And you see the horse and the pirate sitting there. Yeah. And the judge who is organizing the vote says, says, looks like we have a tie once again.

Ah, show don't tell. Yes. And what you've done is put me in the room where the real story happens. I don't get it. Right. Well, let me explain what happened. There's a vote.

What's the vote on? Oh, um... Well, this is another opportunity to maybe put some messaging in. Oh, that too, yes. It shouldn't be on, like like abortions or something, right? No, I don't think so. No.

Yeah. It could be that somebody gave a child a card. Oh, good. And they're deciding whether or not this was a good thing to do. And so they're having to vote. Oh, and oh, this is great because it ties into our other cards. It's like if you'd like to know more about this card, why don't you buy our card that's for children?

Yes. And that's what it says inside. And so they're having the vote, but it's the horse and the pirate, and they can only say the one thing. I think the message of that one is it's showing the horse and the pirate, and it's saying, like, why do other people even get to decide on this? Is this a dumb way to even decide, like, whether something is good or bad? It's like these guys are basically a jury, but they can only say one thing.

Yeah. Like, why is this system correct? Yeah. Like, you do something, and then this group of people gets to decide whether it was good or bad but some of them can only maybe say one thing.

And maybe it says America on it. Yeah. You know. I mean that's a smart card. It's making people think about like why

are we allowing people to make these decisions when like maybe if they are saying nay that is the only thing that they are able to say. And maybe if they are saying nay that is the only thing that they are able to say and maybe if they're saying i similarly yes that's one of only two things they can say and the other thing they say are doesn't apply right so that's an interesting area what's one more card to do okay uh all right let's do one more card halloween god would have been really smart if like

we had arranged ahead of time that i would say halloween and then we'd think for a second go too scary at the same time because people used to love that do you want to do it i well i can say halloween and both of you oh that's good it want to do it? I can say Halloween and both of you can say it. Oh, that's good. It's good for it to be coming from someone else because we used to do this all the time and then we forgot to. And then people enjoyed it and were mad that we stopped doing it. So it could be good to get some of these old things going again and people want to buy them. Great.

Okay. So, Kevin. We'll start here. What about a Halloween card? Wait, sorry. I didn't get it. Go ahead. I didn't get it at the exact time.

Do it again. Do you count too, please? Kevin did it wrong, yeah. Do you want me to count when you guys should respond or when I should start? When you say, you say, what was the thing you were going to say? One, two, three. Hey, we should do a Halloween. Crap.

One, two, three. Hey, you should do a Halloween card. And then one, two, three. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that that is what. He's counting. And usually they do three, two, one. Because you said.

You do three, two, one. Sure, sure. Right. So this is going to be really good, I think. Yes. So here's what we'll do. Kevin, I'll count in you saying we should do a Halloween card. Yes.

Hayes, you then count up to Kevin's countdown. Okay. Kevin can count down to us doing what I think we both agree is pretty funny, which is we go, eh, too scary at the same time. Thank you for reminding me about that. So we'll do that together. That part is big. And then maybe we should all count down together as well to the people cracking up.

That's because at home listening, they're saying, okay, when is it my turn to crack up? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. So I'll count down. You count up, Kevin. You count down. We saying, okay, when is it my turn to crack up? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. So I'll count down. You count up. Kevin, you count down. We do Ant Too Scary.

We all count down and then maybe count up again to the laughs. Okay. So three, two, one. Two, three. One, two, three. Hey, what do you think about a Halloween card? Two, three. Three, two.

One, two, three. Hey, what do you think about a Halloween card? Three, two, one, two, three. Hey, what do you think about a Halloween card? Three, two. Yeah, wait. Right, yes. And hey, what do you think about a Halloween card, Kevin? One, two, three. Hey, what do you guys think about doing that?

Yeah. Good, good good good two three and they're laughing too scary and now you that was too scary two three

so that people are going to go crazy for that yes and we have to figure out a way to turn that into like a card, maybe on a T-shirt. Can you make a viral video a card? See, that's what some e-cards is basically. So now you're knowing what some e-cards is.

It's basically like a motionless viral video. And so, what I think we maybe what really is too scary that we could put on here is the scream mask. But we have to, I think, make it the Guy Fox mask. Just so it's not.

You know, just so we don't get in trouble. It could be the Guy Fawkes mask, but you know how he's smiling? Maybe in this version he's going like, oh! Okay, yeah, because he's scared. Yes. Oh, and if it's scary enough to scare Guy Fawkes, I don't want any part of it. Two, three, two, three. any part of it.

Two, three, two, three. So, and that is like, if we have a card that's like opening up on the t-shirt, so like people put the t-shirt on, it's got the card on the outside, and now people are like approaching them, maybe certain like prospective moms are coming up and saying like, oh, I kind of want to see what's too scary

on the inside of that card. And they open it up and it's Guy Fawkes kind of want to see what's too scary on the inside of that card. Yeah. And they open it up and it's Guy Fawkes. Blast them out of their top. Hey, what about a Halloween card? No, see. I said I didn't count. I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter. I guess, you know, obviously we've done Lightning McQueen. We've done Mater. We've done Odie and a lot of the Garfield people. You'd think, well, we won't do any more cars, but we do want to do a Herbie the Lovebug car. We didn't do Odie, by the way, and we do still have all these Odies. Yeah, we have all these Odies. We do want to do Odies driving Herbie the Lovebug. Okay.

And this one we should do maybe for a more like dating type holiday. Right. One that's more for romance yeah yeah right that is you know because we haven't really hit that area and do something that's a little more celebrating love and couples and uh yeah you know um the boudoir okay so i would say for that let's just go ahead and know, get right in the teeth of it with Veterans Day. Right. And so to me, who is Herbie the Love Bug making, like who's Odie driving him toward? Okay.

Like that's the answer. So here's what I, so maybe Herbie the Love Bug is parked. You know what I mean? At lookout point. Yes. And – Two, three. Good.

And maybe you have – the windows are starting to get a little foggy, foggied up. And covered in – Yes. And maybe John's girlfriend is in there as well, the veterinarian, because you have a reasonable understanding of how they might have met. You know she's not interested in John. Right, and you know that, yes,

and you know that she and Odie have some sort of rapport. Yes. Because she, I mean, she puts her mom in his butt. And so it's getting a little misty in there, and then maybe you have sort of like the, not silhouettes, but like these sort of misty images of some of these veterans from the different branches of the armed forces in the sky that are sort of looking down on us. In the constellations. Yes, in the constellations. Yes.

That's good. And they're sort of like saluting. And they're saying, this is what we did it for. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And it's McCain. Yeah. Yeah. And Odie is going, she goes, Odie, I see you're saluting right back.

That's right. And then he could maybe make some reference to like, go ahead and lift up my tail. Right. You know? That's right. Do you have anything else with you? She could probably say, and you can fill in what she'd probably say. What she has with her? Yeah. I mean, I guess she could say, well, I brought my lipstick. And Odie could say, well, I already have something that kind of looks like one of those i what he does oh haze odie's got chapstick with him okay that's a bit too sick because that means that they're gonna well so then you think so hard as lips get then you pull it back and i

think you just open up the card and it says they fought for this. Just to remember sort of what this day is all about, that the certain freedoms that we get to enjoy at Lookout Point. Yeah, and maybe we use your idea of a very far away Qusay Hussein in chains. Yes, this time, yes. It could be that this is why we arrested Qusay Hussein in chains. Yes. This time, yes. It could be that this is why we arrested Qusay Hussein. What, Kevin? Could it say, love is a freedom? Hmm. I don't know.

Because it already says this is what we fought for. Okay. So maybe it's like love isn't freedom. Love is a freedom and freedom isn't free. So it's saying, and so then it's like love isn't freedom. Love is a freedom, and freedom isn't free. Two, one. So it's saying, and so then it's Odie saying that. So he's saying like, you know, pony up if we're going to. Right, yeah.

If we're going to get down to business here, it is a business. Right? Yeah, that could really be a good card. So we've got all the cards, and we've got all the money. And it's been so good having a podcast with all of you. Hayes Hasalevi has something. I don't know what it is. Yeah.

And so we really do have to wrap this up. Thanks to all our guests. Thanks to Kevin for coming in. Thanks to our guests. Thanks to Kevin for coming in. Thanks to Engineer Ryan. Thanks to Engineer Ryan's mom. Thank you, iTunes. Thanks to Stamps.com. Apple Podcasts.

We don't need you for this one because we're saving on stamps because we're going to be walking all these cards around. But at some point, somebody might need you. And thanks to the computer. We couldn't do this without the computer to be inside all this stuff all you guys are part of what makes this show

happen part of what makes it great it's really been an honor it's just been this is such a special time of year for us obviously this is when we do the podcast please It's just been – this is such a special time of year for us, obviously. This is when we do the podcast. Please rate on iTunes.

Apple Podcasts. Subscribe. Go to – stay in school within reason. And go for it and don't and don't stop dreaming um i uh have to take a break for a while this has been an earwolf production executive produced by scott ackerman chris bannon and colin anderson for more information and content visit earwolf.com This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.