Hollywood Handbook - Nick Wiger, Our Corny Friend

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

The Boys try to be helpful to Nick but he doesn't wanna listen. This episode is sponsored by Wargaming (www.commandwarships.com code: HOLLYWOOD18) and Casper Mattresses (code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Katias Yeah, I hate this song Just shut it up Shut the song up I hate it I just, I can't And I turn to him and I go Especially now that we have our new version Yeah But I go Well, if you guys pay for the pro version

That's why I'm saying I hate it I love this song It's my favorite song If you guys pay for the pro version We actually got a way more expensive version of that song I'm saying like, I hate this song And some people are like, oh, I got to hear that other song. I got to pay for the thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I turn to Elias and I go, should we just quit? And then Gary Sinise is like, no, we have to do this. No. And he's like, grab a shovel, boys, because we're digging up John Steinbeck's body to see if the rumors are true. Yeah. That he was buried with a pile of Nazi gold.

Mm-hmm. And I'm also going, how are we going to know what kind of gold it is really? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just gold. It doesn't say that on it. I don't think they stamped it on there. No.

He doesn't say that on it. I don't think they stamped it on there. And also, obviously, Elias is just curious if Steinbeck had what we all think he had. A hog. A monster hog. And he's saying he can tell from the way that the pelvis is distended, just the pelvic bone, if the hips are dragged down. Because it would pull down his hip. Yeah, because it would have dragged down,

especially for the length of time that he lived, that if he had a hog like that, that it would have his iliac crest would be descended. So as we're all fighting and digging and sweating and fighting, all of a sudden I start getting shot with bullets. Yeah. And I look up and Tiffany, the pop star, is like, think you're alone now or whatever? Yeah.

Yeah. She's shooting me. Okay. And so, of course, I take the shovel. I knock a couple of bullets back at her. Never doing any of the digging or hunting herself. Always following the other hunters. And then swoops in right when it's almost dug up.

And I go, oh, he really must have this gold because she loves that stuff. Yes. And so I start hitting the bullets back with the shovel. And one of the bullets frigging takes her wig off. And tricking you into thinking you're alone now. Setting that up so long ago. Oh, yeah. No. Getting that song stuck in your head so you're trained to think thinking you're alone now. Setting that up so long ago. Oh, yeah. No.

Getting that song stuck in your head so you're trained to think that you're alone now. And Tiffany is actually there shooting you. And Gary gets killed and Elias gets killed. Yeah. And then I kill her. And then. And then you were tired at that point because I know you did not finish getting the gold. No, I didn't dig up, and I didn't get to see if he was packing heat down there.

Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We already introduced – we are just always doing different stuff with this model. We already introduced the guest in the ad. Have you ever, ever, ever in your life heard another show do that? Oh, it was a pre-roll ad. Is it pre-roll? Yeah, it was a pre-roll. Oh, good.

I just assumed it was a mid-roll ad. No, I'm not saying that because of this affiliation with mid-roll. Have you ever heard of somebody like that? Right. Doing that. The guest in the ad. Right. Unprecedented.

Sometimes it does say pre-roll at the top of an ad, and then we'll read it. And then when we go to listen to the show, they just threw it in the fucking middle. Sure. Just like, okay, guys, thanks. And someone will say on the internet, like, I think this was maybe supposed to be somewhere else. Because I think they were trying to tell a story in the ads, but they're all out of order. Yeah. And we just are always punished for putting any care into what we do at all.

Right. Just fucking no reward ever. Everyone else here knows it makes them look bad, and so they will sabotage us to maintain the status quo. They're all paying off. And it's working. Yeah. And it's working. And it's working. And the status quo. They're all paying off. And it's working. Yeah, and it's working. And it's working. And the status quo is alive and healthy.

Do you think that's ideal ad placement? I wonder from your perspective creatively, because clearly you're trying to do something. If you're throwing in some story elements into your ads, it seems like pre-roll works for you. But I wonder from the advertiser's perspective, do they think, I have to think maybe mid-roll is the most engaged.

You're kind of in the middle of the episode, you go to break, then you've got your audience already hooked. They're maybe more likely to listen to that, or maybe they're already in the middle of their workout or their commute, so they're not going to skip through the ad. That's my assumption. That's the most obvious thing in the world. So you think that was a trite observation that I shouldn't have made?

Yeah, that's insanely stupid. Okay, all right. That's exactly what I was thinking. Okay, well, I'm sorry. Because you start the podcast, like anybody knows if they want to skip ads that you just like skip to when you actually, oh, now I'm hearing the theme song. Okay, now I'm going to listen. But then when one comes up in the middle, everyone knows it,

both anecdotally from their own lives and just from thinking for one fucking second. How long did it take you to say it? I mean, I spent a little bit of time just detailing the logic. That's corny, man. All right. That's corny. But it also doesn't apply to – here's another reason why it's so stupid. Yeah.

It doesn't really apply to us because there are metrics now. I don't know if you know about this because you're operating independently, but you can see ads, whether people drop out or not when they're listening to ads. Oh, interesting. There's a little graph that shows a little line creeping across the graph that goes up and down depending on when people are skipping or actually listening to the ads. on when people are skipping or actually listening to the ads. And ours, if you look at ours, it looks like the line looks like my frigging ding-a-ling,

which sticks straight out. Yeah, straight. No angle on that bad boy. Just parallel with the floor. And a lot of the other show's lines look like my ding-a-ling, which goes straight down. Which is... Yeah. It flat-lines for a while and then goes down. Got it. It goes straight down. Yeah. It flatlines for a while and then goes down. Got it.

And like after like 25-minute mark and then goes back up. And then pops back up a little bit. Peek it out. And then the post-roll is like way down. Right. Yeah, because once the episode's over, then people aren't engaged anymore. They're just like, they're moving on. Yeah, but I meant on his ding.

Oh, I got it. Yeah. Post roll on your dong. Yeah, yo, dude. Hey, man, can we talk about the ad again? Let me just say, I'm sorry I blew by

your steady bobbing for apples thing. I already had something I was thinking of that I was going to say. Can you explain what that was to me? Steady bobbing? Yeah. For apples?

Yeah, what is that? It's like a corny activity, man. Oh, okay. Yeah, so you are hearing that and thinking, like, that sounds like a fun, like, date idea or something. Sounds kind of, yeah, wholesome. It's germs. Yeah. Okay.

It's apples, which are one of the corniest fruits. And it's like a Halloween activity. Yeah. Right. So I guess you'd be doing it so you can bring up your monster fuck song. Like, hey, I did this kind of famous song. You think that's a thing I try to like... Every time September rolls around,

I feel like you start to get a little excited to bring out the Monster Fuck again. Well, I think if you're buying for apples, it's pretty likely that the Monster Mash will come on. You'll go like, oh, man, this actually reminds me of something very funny I've done. I mean, I don't know. I don't think that doesn't sound like a fair characterization of me. I don't think I'm someone who goes around bragging about bits I've done on shows. Okay. I mean, I do it every year.

Ackerman asked me to do it. This is the one time he allows me to go on Comedy Bang Bang once a year to do the monster fuck. And so that's when it comes up, and a lot of people do mention it to me on social media. I don't think it's a thing I bring up on my own. Seems like you should be allowed at this point to do other holiday songs i could i guess i guess

then it just becomes like is that just going to seem derivative of in the same way that monsters holiday but what would seem derivative of the thing that you do now is doing it over and over again sure instead of doing you know, like something new. Like a your gross out, your signature gross out comedy for other holidays. I see. Yeah, I don't know. I guess there's I mean, there is something to the element

of like, oh, the, I guess the meta joke of, I don't know if I'm using meta correctly, but the joke of doing the same bit every year is that I present it as it's a new bit. And then so I just do the exact same thing. I think like if it was like – it was actually a new bit in a way that's almost – Rule of 37s.

The rule of 37. Right, right. It's now – it's in the stage now where it has stopped being funny. Yeah. But it's going to come back around and be funny again. It's in the stage now where it has stopped being funny. Yeah. But it's going to come back around and be funny again.

37 years from now. Or I guess it would be 31 years from now, however long I've been doing it. Wow, six years. Six years. Man, what a ride, huh? Goddamn. People are thinking two episodes in a row with just Weiger and no Mitch. That's very smart.

Very smart thing to think. We are thinking that as well. What happens is we should get Kevin. I shouldn't have to open the door to do this. Kevin! Please. Please, Hayes, my dog. You want the door to just swing open?

He loves it. When you shout that loud, he's very concerned. Yeah, I want the door. Can you just have the door just swing? He didn't seem too startled. Yeah, but he was sleeping so peacefully, and now he's going to be... Oh, he was snoozing. He's going to be licking the walls.

Well, now he's getting some pets. Chewing on the foam in the corner. Oh, yeah, from frigging Wiger. He likes it. Corny-ass he's getting some pets. Chewing on the foam in the corner. Oh, yeah, from friggin' Wiger. He likes it. Corny-ass pets. Corny pets. Chef Kevin. Hi, Chef.

Hey, guys, Chef Kevin here. Thanks for having me. You almost fucked up. Walk us through the process of booking this episode. Sure, okay okay I reached out to Nick and Mitch like what would you say Nick a month ago? That was a while ago do you want me to find out on I mean I could look it up on my email

that would be thrilling okay I'll be looking while you're giving some more background care cool so I reached out like a month ago I said hey Sean and Hayes would love to have you guys both on are you available any Saturdays in February, I believe I said. And then they both said the – what's today?

The 3rd would work for them. And then I asked a couple days ago if they could do – because I originally asked for 11 a.m. Yes. And then I said, could you guys actually do 10.30? Sorry, real quick, just so everyone listening knows, neither Hayes nor I are giving Kevin the famous stretch it out symbol during this story. It may seem like if you just imagine Kevin telling a story at this pace

that there must be someone across from him sort of pulling their fingers apart like they're pulling taffy. We're both just staring at him in horror. Yeah, in disbelief. I was finally able to get my shit together enough just to say what was happening, but go ahead, Kevin, continue. Bosch frozen in fear. He actually put Bosch back to sleep. Yeah, he's snoozing in the corner.

That was kind. So they both said yes, and then Mitch said he couldn't do today. Kind of last minute. Yeah, so January 5th, you emailed us. Yeah, and you asked him if the follow-up was can you guys do half an hour

earlier? And he said, I will not be doing the show at all. Right. This is Mitch's email. So Kevin emailed, hey, guys, can you do 1030 on Saturday? Thanks. Mitch, I sadly have to back out Saturday. I'm going to the Super Bowl last minute, so that will kind of timestamp when this record is. I apologize.

Tell the guys I'm sorry. So, yeah, that was his – You don't think it timestamped when the record was when Kevin said February 3rd? And the time. Oh, I guess I kind of zoned out. You guys all zoned out. It's okay. Right.

I guess maybe people might not know what my thinking was February 3rd. That date might not mean anything, but Super Bowl weekend, they might have a memory attached to that. Sure. I'm pleased you called the big game. Oh, I apologize. Of call it the big game. Oh, I apologize. Of course, the big game. I wonder why you can't call it the super game.

Yeah. They own super? Yeah. Or the big bowl. Right. I think it's probably safest legally to just excise both words. If you use one or the other, it might be somewhat actionable. Right?

This freaking corny motherfucker. So, Mitch, this is not the first time. I think this exact same thing happened last time. He bailed on another record. We booked both you guys in the day before, and Mitch was like, actually, I'm not going to be there. People also think, oh, Mitch must have some good connections, like some good friends to go to the

Super Bowl. Nope, he paid $3,000 of your Patreon money. That's where, that's your buddy. It's you. You are the friend. I really want to support these podcasters. They work so hard, give me so much content. They freaking

eat cheese fries in front of a mic. I got to give them the money I earned all day fixing air conditioners or whatever. Crawling around in a vent. And then fucking what does he do with the money? Flies out $3,000. That's not counting how much he paid for the flights. And I bet he paid for his friend too. I don counting how much he paid for the flights. And I bet he paid for his friend, too. I don't know if he paid for—

And a hotel, maybe. I don't know if he paid for his friend. I think he definitely went out of pocket for himself. He's staying with a friend, so he doesn't have a hospitality expense. The flight— But he's going to buy that guy dinner. Yeah, he'll buy his friend dinner, I'm sure, and some drinks. But he bragged about the flight.

This is how I knew how much he spent on the tickets. He bragged about how much he'd saved on the flight because he bought a flight to Dallas with a connection in Minnesota. So he's just going to get off the plane in Minneapolis. And so that was cheaper than flying directly there, I guess. And it was because of that decision that it's going to take – because you're thinking, like, it's Saturday morning. Why isn't he available for this? Sure. Because he saved, like, 50 bucks to do a nine-hour flight to Minneapolis.

So he had to probably leave at, like, 6 a.m. Yeah, that's probably what happened. Yeah. I mean, it also could have been just 10.30 was too early for him to start. That could also have been it. Like, he could still be at home right now. Who knows? And for anyone who thinks, hey, these guys shouldn't be in Mitch's pockets like this,

talking about the actual hard numbers, $3,000 that he paid for the tickets, anybody who wants to say that, here's what I have to say to you. Mitch probably agrees. So this is a continuing pattern. It's a theme, right, that Mitch bails on your ass? He hangs you out to dry. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, you know, it's part of our working relationship.

Sure, yeah, I mean, I think we figure it out. But, yeah, I've voiced my frustrations with Mitch at times, and he voices frustrations with Mitch at times, and he's voiced his frustrations with me. We both have kind of problems with each other for different reasons. But, yeah, I will say that, like, he's not normally – he doesn't normally flake out like this on me, but it is interesting that he's done this twice to you guys. No, this is on you.

He's doing this to you. You think he's doing this to me. Yeah, because here you are just, just like flopping around on the deck like a fish, I guess. Sure. Sure, yeah. You guys are roasting me relentlessly, calling me a corny-ass motherfucker. Well, and this is going to be one of the worst episodes of the year. For you guys.

And when they make the list, yeah yeah of all the worst podcast episodes for the year they're gonna go well the time nick wagger was on hollywood handbook and you're exposed and got it knows that when he's with you he's sort of able to buoy some of your traits uh and that when he leaves you alone he's gonna be fully exposing you as you as just so fucking corny. I was really looking forward to that list because I thought, oh, God, it will be so great to hear all the episodes where they just got nothing going. The host and the guests clearly just have no chemistry whatsoever,

nothing to talk about. That seemed like such a fun list if we had not been on it so much yeah that's exactly right I was really ready to just dance on the graves of all my enemies and then I come to find out

that I've been it's your own name on the grave like Scrooge yeah it's like Scrooge who made this is this was this like

a Paste Magazine thing was this on the Earwolf subreddit it's Paste it's Paste oh it's Paste okay yeah I mean Paste you know they can be hey they went after Was this on the Earwolf subreddit? It's Pace. It's Pace? Oh, it's Pace. Okay. I mean, Pacey, you know, they can be, hey, they went after UCB for not paying coaches.

I mean, they're pretty brutal. How dare they? This sacred institution. Right. How dare you suggest that they reimburse them for their labor when they get attention for it? Priceless attention. Amen. There's no amount of money that could be enough to equal the amount of attention they get

for being coaches and the feeling of power. It's a rock star lifestyle, man. I mean, I can say it. I've been through it. Jesus, Nick. I've been on Herald Night. You've been up on that stage. I've been on Mod Night. I know what it. I've been through it. Jesus, Nick. I've been on Harold Night. You've been up on that stage. I've been on Mod Night.

I know what it's like. It's electric. The money would cheapen it. And I'm sure all the coaches would say that as well. Mm-hmm. Can we just step back for a second? Pace is obsessed with money and paying people for work. Shame.

Can we just step back for a second? It's more complicated than you think, though. That's what I'm saying. This is my background. Yeah. I'm slavishly devoted to my theater. Right. Yeah.

The same way you feel about... The Harvard Lampoon? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did you see Feudal and Stupid Jesser? I know. Oh.

All my heroes. That's not my thing. I'm not into Feudal and Stupid Jesser. All my heroes. Yeah, I guess it's really for me and my cronies. Right. But it was a portrayal of every single one of my greatest heroes. John Gemberling?

Armin Weitzman? John Daly? Armin Weitzman. John Daly. Armin Weitzman. Mm-hmm. You know, and it was so cool to see my life up there on the screen. Right. I'm partying in a castle. Yeah.

I'm drinking wine. Playing softball with the Crimzoids and not even taking it seriously at all. Yeah. Not even caring. And that. Making a mockery of it. And giving a little bit of a middle finger to just about everybody. Because if you can't laugh, then why are we even on this fucking stupid blue marble we call the planet?

Is there any sort of hazing involved in joining the Lampoon? Yeah. We'll fuck with you. Oh, okay. Yeah, you come rolling in there, man, you're going to take some licks. Right. Unfortunately. But at the same time, that's what makes you so strong and funny later, is that you know you earned your spot.

Because one thing we'll do is, if you're a woman, we won't let you in. If you're not white, we basically won't. I heard that wasn't true. Yeah. It is true? Yeah. If you're not white, we're basically like we might let you in, but we'll never really take you seriously.

See, to me, I asked about hazing. This just sounds like a discriminatory practice in who you're admitting. Like, that's not what I care. I characterize hazing as like, oh, you have to drink a bunch of, you know, a bunch of shots or something or. Oh, no, we've never made you do that. Okay. We will.

One thing we really like to do is just mess up a castle and just make somebody clean it up. And that's cool. And so in a way, we're hazing the cleaning staff that we pay for. Right. I did hear from someone who was, I don't know if they were associated with the lampoon or they had a friend who was at the lampoon, but that there was some sort of plate-breaking ritual, like everyone was going in somewhere and just shattering plates, like throwing plates on the ground.

We'll do that. Anywhere there's service staff, we will disrespect them. That's a fucking joke to us. Right. We never have had jobs or anything. I got you. So we will absolutely make their lives more difficult by just smashing shit and making a mess.

And that is sort of how we get our kicks. And so, yeah, in a way, we are hazing anyone who didn't go to Harvard, really. And we're just giving freaking jobs to each other and stuff. Not like we need them, but. Right. What do you think Harvard is alone among the Ivy Leagues is like kind of having a that sort of humor magazine that

people hold up as this is influential and this is what you know, this is a feeder to network sitcoms. Nick, shots fired at the Dartmouth Jack-o'-lantern. Watch the movie. Oh, it's explained in the movie. And the Princeton Tiger.

But why are they alone in being so influential? I guess because we're just so funny. Me and my cronies. Sure. All my Harvard cronies. All the Stanford chappies out there are foaming at the mouth. Yeah, I can't believe that Nick Weiger went after those guys. I didn't think this corny bitch had it in him.

But he's actually really freaking slashing them. I'll go after the chappies. So you did a whole new song for the double. Yeah, we did. And now we have to do that? I mean, you don't have to. Yeah, we do. Okay.

Everyone is looking at what you did. Now that we are making, I don't know if you've heard we have Buku Bucks now. Yeah, you guys are doing bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium, correct? That's the name of the service? Don't say it like that. Yeah, man. You got the name right. Stitcher Premium.

I hear it saying, oh, it's like Stitcher Premium. It's like you're taking $5 a month payments and taking a fraction of a cent off each one. Meanwhile, I'm taking $15 a person, like a listener. Yeah, we're not exactly flying to the Super Bowl with it, but that's not exactly what we need from our listeners. that's not exactly what we need from our listeners. See, when you go behind a paywall like Stitcher Premium and people say, oh, we don't like the paywall, one thing is you get a lot of shows. Our old shows are there.

This show Hollywood Masterclass that people are saying is very funny is there. Even the Teacher's Lounge, Our Greatest Enemy, we're in there having a party in there with them. That's fun. Your shit, I pay for your shit. Even the teacher's lounge, our greatest enemy, we're in there having a party in there with them. That's fun. Your shit. I pay for your shit. I just get your shit.

And then if I want something else, I got to pay for that too. Right. Yeah, I mean, I think the Patreon model. I don't know if I'd say it was corny, but I do think the Patreon model ultimately is going to be, is going to run into a critical mass issue where it's like how many $5 a month Patreons are you going to pay for individual podcasts? Like if every podcast is setting up their own little mini paywall, how many of those am I ultimately going to subscribe to eventually? Like with Stitcher Premium, we'll probably see people bundle into other paywalled services. Yeah, that's why we're nice to our fans. What is that? What do you mean by that?

Maybe explain. You explain what it means, Nick, that we're actually nice to our fans. Oh, you're actually nice to your fans. Because people are saying, people are probably going, wait a minute, why didn't they just do a friggin' Patreon? And it's like, oh yeah,

that would have been a bunch of bucks. Yeah. That would have been a bunch of bucks. For sure That would have been a bunch of bucks for sure. I'd be in a freaking Super Bowl right now. But I'm actually nice to my fans, Nick. And you don't have to pay five bucks just for my show. You pay for that. This other show, Hollywood Masterclass, I heard is really funny.

And even our enemies at Teacher's Lounge live there. What else did you do that's different for the double? Yeah, how'd you do it? Now we are also going to be expected to do. Well, I mean, I would say that we have a – you guys have a pretty loose format for your show, and we have a little bit of a stricter structure format. It's not the tight razor sharp

format. The fucking Swiss watch. Eat the food. Eat the food and go, we really should get to the forks. I wouldn't say we have precise... It's not precise, but we have

a general sort of mechanism for how we construct our normal shows, and they're all centered around usually an individual chain. So this is the episode we're going to review Denny's or whatever. Play the song that other people did for you. Right, that is an element. Yeah, there's more. The longer the better. I wanted to ask, is there anything

you want us to say for a drop? A lot of times people pull shit out of our shit to do a drop. Is there anything you wish was in a drop? I heard someone say, oh, I should maybe subscribe to Stitcher Premium People pull shit out of our shit to do a drop. Is there anything you wish was in a drop? Because I'll say it. I heard someone say, oh, I should maybe subscribe to Stitcher Premium because they said something about the Doughboys, and maybe I could cut that up for a drop. Get out of my paywall subscription feed.

Get out of here. Delete it. If you're just doing it to make a drop, forget it. Here, I'll give you the fucking drop for free. Fuck the D, boys. Put a drop shield on it, Brett. So they try to splice it for a drop. Brett, initiate drop shield.

What is that? Brett doesn't feel like he's been allowed to do enough this episode. Now he's punishing us. Do you mean by drop shield? Is that? Brett doesn't feel like he's been allowed to do enough this episode. Now he's punishing us. Do you mean by drop shield? I want to try to, because like Brett, I'm also unclear on what you mean. Are you suggesting some sort of like? It's a protective shield that when they try to splice it, it deflects the splice. Oh, so it like encrypts that little element if you try to pull it out.

It's like a panty shield. It ricochets. The splice ricochets into one of their other apps. Oh, so it can't just say Doughboy. They can't just take out Doughboys from that? It has to be

Fuck the Doughboys? No, Brett. They aren't allowed to splice any of it. They'll be tempted. That was splice bait. You're saying that's a perfect drop.

That would be a perfect drop. That would be an ideal drop. Perfect splice bait. They tried to do the splice. I gave them the juiciest drop they've ever heard in their life. And then when they go in to splice it, it's going to freaking shoot off ricochet like what Hayes said. And the skull made of ones and zeros comes out on their screen and goes,

eats one of their other apps. Got it. So I'll shield the entire thing then. The skull is going, have a nice day. Have a nice day. And all the other screens in their house, the skull appearing. Have a nice day. The skull's going, have a nice day. Have a nice day. And all the other screens in their house, the skull appearing. Have a nice day. Yeah, and he actually is giving them the opposite.

Yes. So, Nick, what do you want me to drop on you? Well, you just said that. Any drop you want. You just said that this is going to be shielded, so I don't. No, we shielded just that one phrase. And we won't do it again. Can you shield just a fragment

of an MP3 file? Like, is that technologically possible? I can, yeah, I can do anything. Okay, alright. In this box. He's the fucking lead engineer. Yeah. We haven't been properly introduced, but actually... This ain't Dustin Martian over here, alright? Yeah. This ain't Dustin Martian over here, all right? Yeah.

This is Bram Morris. Here's what I want to know. Yeah. You can feel, I'm sure, just in this room, us having to do the extra episode has sapped all of our strength. Is this the extra episode? No. Might as well be. Oh, okay.

But it's the same thing. It's all crap now. It's all mush. That is a thing we've run into. So is this your second record of the day? Did you do another one earlier? No, not even. But we've had to do other extra records in the past few weeks. And I thought that maybe

each one would be half as good because we're taking one amount of energy and distributing it across more of a show, but it's actually somehow even less energy than we were starting with in the first place. Just knowing that we have to do two, I think, means that

each one is maybe a quarter. I think definitely that's kind of an issue we've had as well. For us, it's more logistically that we'll double up record. So we'll do a full episode and then a bonus episode. And so it's like we're doing twice the talking. Sounds like shit, man.

And so my question, the reason I ask you is how do you handle that morally, that you're just getting away with it? Yeah, like we're charging our fans more money basically for a worse product and advertisers. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's part of – I mean that's part of the calculation behind it, right? Like you want to make it as good as possible.

Yeah. And then you – I guess their guilt is kind of a motivating factor of like, okay, I want to make sure that this product that someone is paying extra for is not of worse quality than the- But then it is worse. I use that a lot of times. It is, yeah. Are you driven by shame?

But then, look, here's what I'm guessing happens. Yeah. The shame is you're driving home from the record. You're just wracked by shame, and you want to drive into a bridge abutment. But then you go home, open the fridge, and it's full of that sweet corn. You think because I'm corny, I like that corn is my favorite food. That golden sweet corn, your face is bathed in the yellow light from all the sweet corn. Yeah, you're freaking mixing up some elote.

I would say actually having elote asado to me would be less corny because that's like, oh yeah, this is corn-based, but that's not a conventional Caucasian white person food. Imagine explaining that. Imagine who would explain that. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, no, but imagine who would tell us about that. Are you saying a corny person is who explained that? I'm not saying anything. The corny man. I'm just asking you. Imagine. The corny man?

Yeah. Do you want me to do the full verse of the corny man? Yes, I do. From Total Devastation album? Yes. Yeah. Have I done that on a show before? Yes, but not this song parody version of it.

Yeah. I wonder how I would change the lyrics to The Corny Man. I might need a few minutes. Do you know the song The Corny Man? No, I don't. Is this from a musical? I didn't know it either. Okay.

I mean, so Total Devastation had a song called The Horny Man. Who's Total Devastation? They were sort of like a Superzilla Jason. Oh, that's fun. A musical artist. Yeah. Weed rappers.

Oh, hell yeah. And I do know most of the words to The Horny Man. But I don't really know how to change them. You had time, but you've been having to talk. So that can't be easy. Well, And I have been checking in with myself, do I have anything? And the answer is, not really.

Not even one line? What's an original line, and we can all do it? So the original song is called The Horny Man. Well, the thing that's interesting is doing a lot of it, yeah. Sure, okay.

Yeah, so sing some of it. One, two, mic check. Came to get it, can I go with it? Can I hit it? Because I'm the horny man, I love to hit skin. One, two, mic check. Came to get it. Can I get with it? Can I hit it? Because I'm the horny man. I love to hit skin. See, I got a gym hat, so it's safe to go in.

Getting hot like a toaster. Posing on your poster. Wow, that's pretty fast. I'm a lover of the toaster. Swimming in women. You're going too fast. Hit mad skin. It's like my own grandparent.

You're going too fast for me to do a song. You sound like Twista. But I could do, okay. So this is the corny man. One, two, check it. Came to get breakfast. What's the next line? Yeah.

You just said. I, two, check it. Came to get breakfast. What's the next slide? Yeah. I came to get with it, so honey, can I hit it? Okay. Maybe. Uh-huh. And what about this part? Came to get quidditch? Did you say quidditch? But this part's good. But this part's good. Hang on. Came to play quidditch.

Wait, but this part's better. He on. Came to play Quidditch. Came to play Quidditch. Wait, but this part's better. He goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, See, everybody loved me because I got a lot of flavor. And plus I'm best known for my, wait, See, everybody loved me because I got a lot of flavor. And plus I'm best known for my sexual behavior. Okay. So that part, I think, he's talking about flavor already.

Sure. Yeah. But I guess for me, it seems seems like is the thesis of the song It's going to be about corn the food Or it's about being corny Like the idea of being kind of a cheese ball Is he made of corn? Yes is he the corny man

I think we can find room for all of these things Everybody love me I'm hung like a hanger The green weed slinger I'm like the hit squad on my side of the headbanger Hit you like a drug all you green weed slinger. I'm like the hit squad on my side of the headbanger. Hitch like a drug. All you need is a hugger. You can be loved.

Is this your favorite song? You really know a lot of it. Yeah, I know. Yeah, he knows that. He just sang it. You were playing this a lot in the offices of the Harvard Lampoon. This is what you guys would play to get down. Oh, yeah. We would throw that on and we would just set a big pile of money on fire, warm our hands by it. Part of the big subversion, especially with all your old heroes I know from the movie,

is that they were exclusively white, but they would play this Motown music. Yeah. Barry Gordy. Oh, that's fun. Are we doing anything with that flavor line at least before we move on? Everybody loved me because I got an electric shaver, and everybody know me for my corny-ass behavior. Plus I'm best known for my corny-ass behavior.

Plus I'm best known for my corny-ass behavior. Yeah, that's good. Do you want me to shield that? Yes please Thank you I can see people Doing the thing where they put the beat From the real song on it Splicing the beat on it

See everybody loves me for my sweet buttery flavor Oh that's fun Plus i'm best known for my corny ass behavior yes that's right it's just difficult for me because i don't know the source so i'm just i'm sort of flailing here i mean like right like like doing a parody trying not to cry doing a parody in of itself is you know it's it's just a lot of, it's find and replace a lot of times. He says, I'm getting love at the pub like Sam Malone. Now, there's something about like corn pone maybe that could go. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. He says, I'm getting love at the club like Sam Malone, at the pub like Sam Malone, and I make a bitch moan when it's time to bone. So maybe he just says like, I make some corn pone and then it's time to bone. So maybe he just says, like, I make some corn pone, and then it's time for pone. Yeah, that's right. So you're going to rhyme corn pone with pone. Then it's time for pone. Okay. So that's not rap to you.

All these rappers, I've heard you complain about this. Like, you rhyme, like, sweet ass with ass. That's not a real rhyme. That's not music. That's not poetry. No, I mean, I think if you're in a pinch and that's what you've got to land on, I think that's fine. What if you're doing two different meanings for it?

Like ass means one thing in one context? Yeah, if you don't want to get a punch, pass me that cup of punch. You know what I mean? Can I rhyme that? That's clever. Yeah, I think that's fine. That's okay. Yeah, I think that's fine.

Okay, so then you're going back on your own word. Look, I'm not the arbiter of what is and isn't a good rap lyric. Why did you come in and say all they need to do with this rap music is add a C to the front of it? Okay. Why did you come in and say that this morning? That they need to do that. That they have to do that.

And they say they can go ahead and borrow the C from the front of my word, corny. Then you're the orny man. Then you're the orny man. Sorry, that's taken by Orny Adams. Orny Adams already has that. How's he doing? I haven't heard a lot from Orny these days. Really good.

Is he? Okay. He's on fire, man. He's probably going to tape a special. Because that little coda of comedian, he kind of seemed like he was flailing. And, you know, it's not a sympathetic portrayal of him. Could that have been that the movie shut off and you saw your own reflection on the TV? You think I was looking at my own,

looking at myself flailing. That little piece at the end where he was flailing. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's possible, but I don't know. I don't know if I'd characterize myself as flailing. Like, to me that's kind of a,

I think I maybe stalled out. But also, this was years ago when I watched it. I don't know if I was either of those things at this point. Hey, Kevin, while you're here, I have a question. Yeah, what's up? What's up with this Lightning McQueen Kleenex box on the table? Why is there a cars theme? Oh, my God.

I get tissues and paper towels in bulk, and they had a bunch of Pixar and different Disney ones and Spider-Man. So I got like 100 tissue boxes. The guy who talks about cartoons, who loves the Minions, the cartoon characters that look like corn. I had so much fun doing this podcast about the Mickey parking structure.

I did have a lot of fun doing it in the podcast, The Ride. I talked about the Mickey and Rens parking structure. I did have a lot of fun. So, Kevin, this is specifically a Cars 3 one, I can tell, because you've got Cruz Ramirez on the side there. Yeah, I do. Did anyone see Cars 3? I mean, it's not.

Just you, Nick. I didn't think it was great, but there was like a fun element where they had a real passing of the torch. And I wonder if they're going to continue that if they keep the franchise going because I think they were basically like, oh, Lightning McQueen is not going to be – I mean, spoiler alert. Lightning McQueen is not going to be the fastest racer on the circuit forever. So by the end, there actually is like a very – it's basically like a relay race where he hands the baton to Cruz Ramirez and Cruz Ramirez ends up winning. And then he's kind of settled into the mentor role that was previously occupied by Paul Newman's character. Do your fans engage with this like authentically or are they just like, holy shit? Do they talk, would you say stuff like that? Are they just like, what the fuck?

Or are they actually responding to the stuff that you're saying? Yeah. Good question. Right? I think there's probably a little bit of both. I think there are probably people who are genuinely engaging and I think there's probably a little bit of both. I think there are probably people who are genuinely engaging, and I think there's also people who are sort of like ironically engaging, kind of like a boy against a girl.

Do you think the people that are genuinely engaging have children? Because everything you like is for babies? I don't think I just like – Maybe that's how they see it. I mean, it's possible. It's possible that you're exposed to children's programming because you're self-raising kids. So, yeah, but I don't think I only like things for babies.

I think I do like some family entertainment, but not just that. What time is it, Brett, in the show? In the show? Yeah. Yes. We're doing the show. He's punishing us again. Well, if you don't give me stuff to do, then...

Mitch is texting me right now. Should I text him back? It's 40 minutes in... What'd he say? ...Hobbit Handbook time. He's texting me and Gabrus about something. Oh, good. See, he just shit on my time to speak to.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Brett. I got locked into this. Brett. How much time? It is a waste. It's good that we have Brett for the record locked into this. How much time? It is a waste. It's good when we have Brett for the record.

I know. And then we didn't really get to use him. I know, but you can also be like, you know, you don't have to be passive aggressive about it, Brett. You can be like throwing stuff out there. I can't even see your face. So do it to Sean. Direct it to Sean.

What's up, dude? It's your computer. It wasn't my idea to put a computer there. It's your idea. Brett? Brett? Mad respect. Mad respect.

Mad respect. What time is it in the show? 41 minutes now. 41.30. That's like the same length as our bonus episodes. That's the thing. Do we have to go to like, do these have to be longer? With the ads.

It's starting to feel that way. With the ads. With the ads. Oh, right. Between the ads and everything. Wait, so you run ads on your bonus episodes? No, right? No.

But you're saying your bonus episodes are a little shorter. They're, like, a little bit more compressed. Our bonus episodes? Yeah, well, there's no ads. They're, I guess, a little bit shorter. I think they should be 30 to 45 or something. Yeah, that, there's no ads. They're, I guess, a little bit shorter. I think they should be 30 to 45 or something. Yeah, that sounds good. Because I think this was a question Hayes asked earlier, and we partially addressed, and then we went on a tangent.

But as far as the difference between our normal episodes and our bonus episodes, our bonus episodes are more compact. And I think they are. We've got these normally 90-minute episodes. I just got to – bye. I think they are. You know, we've got these normally 90-minute episodes. I just got to. Bye.

Earwolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Chris Bannon, and Colin Anderson. For more information and content, visit Earwolf.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.