Hollywood Handbook - Nicole Byer, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

Hayes and Sean talk about their favorite moments from the Daily Show and speculate as to who Jon Stewart's replacement will be. Then NICOLE BYER of MTV's Girl Code drops in to sample Engineer Cody's Homemade Water and answer some questions Girl Code-style.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. the headphones for? And I'm like, well, that's so he doesn't get scared by the honking cars and all that and doesn't want to go home. And the guy goes, what's his name? And I say, well, his name's Napster. That's what he is. You look at him like, he's doing it right now. And the guy's like, oh, that's really interesting. And he puts on kind of like a weird look, which I think

nothing of at the time. But he's like, hmm. And then two days later, i go check his little house in the backyard yeah he's gone all his stuff is gone and then right after that he starts showing up you know on everybody's computer sorry tell me again i wasn't listening you remember my cat it turned out that my cat was the napster cat sorry one second uh-huh go ahead it was a story where it sort of very slowly unfurled this idea that i have a cat that it seems like in the beginning is just a normal cat whose cat it was mine that's all you

know at the start of the story. But gradually, as I get farther and farther into it, these little clues are peppered in that eventually lead you to the revelation that it was, wait, wait, wait,

that it was the Napster cat. No, I just, I just got a text I didn't like. It's from Jadakiss. He doesn't want to do his best flows on my beats. He wants to do other flows? I guess he's got some secondary flows that he's going to do on my beats, and then he's going to save his best flows for his own beats,

or his buddies, like his closer buddies. Yeah. But you were, okay you're you're scared of your cat are your friends with the cat i was i'm listening i was listening you have a cat and it's uh you gotta it's a you got a problem with it or you're allergic to cats yeah i i mean it is kind of a problem like a lot of it is in the delivery i mean retelling it is not the same as the way i told it originally i'm sorry but it's like jada the thing with jada is like it's like he forgets you know that the only reason he's even in this business yeah is because Yeah. Is because I and the guy who had the studio, who had the vision,

who had the foresight to say, hey, this rap thing's taken over, and why don't you go hang out with my buddy Sheik and some of these other guys that I know? Yeah. And I introduced him to drag on as well. I'm just thinking about what I could have done differently him to drag on as well what I could have done differently to drag on as well

what with your what you could have done just get you know get rid of the cat or adopt you know

well the idea is no I mean just like with the story I mean is the story even your story the idea being like that the Napster cat is like a real cat

is that like a funny i don't know oh it's i really did feel good about it um is it when i started it your story it's a joke story no but just like is that interesting oh when it was happening to me it seemed like an interesting thing that like Napster cat you look at you think it's just like a fake cat but it's real used to be mine the headphones are like a part of it and that's how he got the idea and also the concept that the mascot of Napster being stolen is what made it a successful enterprise if it even was that seems seems okay, right? Yeah. Do you think people understood that the guy in the hat was Sean Fanning? Sean Fanning?

It was Sean Fanning, because he used to always wear a little newsboy cap. Do you think that was clear? Hmm. Do people remember who that is? I should have said Sean Parker, huh? I thought it was Sean Parker, and I'm sorry. Hey. is i should have said sean parker huh i was the i thought i thought it was sean parker and i'm sorry um hey oh what uh welcome to hollywood handbook an insider's guide to kicking button dropping names on the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz

is my story good the jadakiss thing i mean should i not be talking about that the whole concept of the what What was it? That he... He's not... He's saving his best flows. I was not... I listened to the first part, but the second part, you were talking about chic. Yeah, well, I was saying that that's the only reason he has any notoriety.

That felt what? Extra. Didn't need that part. Yes. Well, what I... What I will do next time is just narrow my focus wouldn't it have been interesting to hear some of his like what his ideas for his secondary flows as compared to what his best flows might be right that would have been a really interesting direction because his main flows a lot of times are about guns trusting people you know so maybe

secondary stuff is about the fucking Napster cat or some bullshit see that could have been good oh then we're really working in tandem wouldn't that have been a great opportunity once you did the callback to say hey right welcome to Hollywood Handbook yes Opportunity, the callback to say, hey, right? Yes.

Welcome to Hollywood Handbook. Yes. An insider's guide to gigging, butt-dropping names of the recovery linebackers of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? The news today. Oh, my God. All this stuff with the one guy. The news is the news.

The news is becoming the news. Isn't that crazy? Used to be the news told you the news. The news is supposed to be about the news, and now it is the news is the news the news is isn't that crazy news used to be the news told you the news is supposed to be about the news and now it is the news the one guy got in trouble the other guy died yeah and then of course the the biggest thing is john Stewart. And yes, and that guy is going to go do something else. He's not going to be doing The Daily Show anymore. No. He's being very secret about what his next job to be. Yes, and he doesn't want me to know because he doesn't want me to go after the same job,

and I understand that inclination. And if I hear that somebody's going to get a cool job job a lot of times I'll go and get it from them. And won't it be a big surprise when he announces that he's running for some sort of office not too long from now? Won't everyone be so excited and surprised? Hayes I think you're way off on this. I think you're way off on this. I think you're way off on this. That would be too big of a surprise. You know what I think he's going to do? Rosewater.

I was nodding because I did know what you thought he was going to do. You're excited to see what happened to Rosewater after the first time he went to jail. Yes. Well, I think it's going to be a whole series of 15, 16 Rosewater movies. And it's all just different periods of his life where he's dancing to show his freedom in an area where he's not really truly physically free, but spiritually he feels free and he's dancing. So Jon Stewart not going to be doing The Daily Show anymore.

You and I, we both really love the show. Jon Stewart not going to be doing The Daily Show anymore. You and I, we both really love the show. It's actually where I get my news. Even though it is a comedy show, I feel like it frequently has the most unbiased commentary. And can we not poke fun at our political leaders? I can be finding that the funny news can even be more actual and more information than the main news. And why am I supposed to watch the main news when the real news, the main news that what they're doing, showing me is is not always exactly how I think is what I'm doing, like in my mind and with the politics and with the news but the funny news

is doing so much of what it is that i'm thinking really with my personal mind that i am sort of going well isn't this funny news really uh the main news now for me and for a lot of americans like me so many great memories from the show it was always good i think it got really good in the last five or six years um the stuff that really stands out i I forget what the segment was specifically, but there was that time they played a clip of a guy saying something so absurd and ridiculous, and they cut back to Jon Stewart, and he's just looking at the camera just like, really? Did I?

Yes, he's doing the Steve Harvey. You know on Family Feud when somebody says an answer that you know is not on that board yeah and he does the the slow turd to the audience like really yes show me diapers you know and it's yes so and i think john and and Steve are both kings of comedy. And that's not exclusive to anyone in particular to that title. And I think that they probably borrow from each other in that way. Do you remember the time he was talking about something with the president? And he goes, he's like suddenly being another guy and he goes like hey we talk about this thing over here what do we do we gotta this we gotta that we're doing this thing and then he turns to the other camera and he goes he puts on a very scary serious face and he goes

look something about firefighters and this really messed up for you to be mean to firefighters. And yes, and you should be ashamed. Yes. How dare you? Do you remember this? These people who are being lifesavers. Do you remember this? And I wonder if you even do because I think he only did it once.

But somebody, so they play a clip and I think it was a politician and maybe Gloria Giffords or someone like that. And they really put their foot in their mouth. And he goes, and he pulls his collar like he's nervous. And he talked like a nerd. Yes, a nerd. And he goes, me no like, the sound of bitey. And he's doing that like, oh boy, like they shouldn't say that.

And then he talked about, he got serious and he said, look, you got to give these army guys health insurance. How dare you try to not let the army guys not be sick anymore. And they, yeah, he goes, and they sent him to the army, you know? And I think that is, and I think they have the insurance now. And when he, and then he tells people to be ashamed. Yes. And then people clap. Yes.

And so isn't that the funny news and i remember one thing that i in the early days when they were still finding their feet that i think they've stopped doing where it's mo rocka and it's brian unger and the two of them are talking and uh they're saying one thing, but I don't think it's what they mean. And to me, that era of the show was confusing. And I'm so glad they stopped doing that. And they went to what ultimately worked as a formula, which is news clip, crazy voice, serious voice. And then in unassailable opinion, clapping. Blog clapping.

Yes. Yes. And so he'll be missed. And let's talk about who can even replace him if anyone even can do that. Yes. And you think about the different things that you need to be on the funny news and what Jon Stewart was, which is being smart. Well, yes.

Yes. You need to be smart, but you need three voices. Dumb voice, nerdy, like, goofy, like, meh, all voice, and serious, stern voice. And being tough as well. And it's a lot of, like, who, you know, when we were casting the new Batman with the Metallica guys and all that. It could be some of those same people. And the other person who I think would be good is Morpheus.

Morpheus is a teacher. And to have him on the show every night explaining people about the world, which is really what he does, and lifting the veil, it's similar to what Jon Stewart did. Well, because a lot of America is eating the blue pill. And what The Daily Show was for me was a real red pill.

Yes. Not just because of the firefighter stuff, but in part because of that stuff. And so, Morpheus would be a great choice also because he drives a cool vehicle. And you want to have respect for someone. Would be a great choice also because he drives a cool vehicle. Mm-hmm. And you want to have respect for someone. Mm-hmm. Now, I think that another candidate, and I hate for this show to ever sound like a broken record. We're very careful never to repeat ourselves here.

But I do think Elizabeth Smart would be a good choice. And because we've said that they need to be smart and tough. Now, Smart's already in her name. And toughness, I mean, if she could go through what she went through, then I think she could handle doing a couple different voices and talking to Newt Gingrich. She was stuck in a hole for, what, six, eight months? I think she could go head-to-head with Rick Santorum.

Yeah, yes, I agree with that. And I also have a funny answer, and it's a good way to— I have two, actually, and it's a good way to make friends is to do a joke like this. And so I'm going to do two possible jokes for who you think will replace them, and it's going to be the first time you've heard these jokes. Number one is Brian Williams and number two is Craig Kilborn. Now Hayes do you want to break down why it's so funny to say these names? Well well if Brian Williams is being on the main news and it's being fake I think he could do a pretty good job of being fake on a show that's supposed to be fake and funny.

And what if he was doing the fake news the whole time? Okay, great explanation. And for Craig Kilbourne, I think when he was doing the show, it was shit and nobody watched it. And now it's an institution and now it's real American news. And he was just fucking doing a joke on Comedy Central, having jokes and doing five questions.

And what was that? Talking to John Cleese. I want to hear from a guy who wrote a book I won't read. And so that's why to say that he's going to come back and do it now, like, oh, that's a good replacement. That's very funny. To be serious, it feels like they're due. It's been white guys a long time.

I think it is time for an Asian woman to do it, and that's why I think Lucy Liu would do a very good job hosting the show, either her or the one from Sideways, or perhaps the nefarious schoolgirl from Kill Bill who's swigging the scary balls. Talk about toughness. Yes, and I think that she would have an easier time, even than Jon Stewart did,

dealing with some of these mean men because they've seen her hit someone with a chain. And I don't want to overlook, because there are many Asian women, Ming-Na Wen. Now, if you remember, she was on The Single Guy with Jonathan Silverman and Joey Slotnick, and it had the prized post-Friends slot for a season and a half, I think. I also wonder if Left Shark from the Super Bowl could be a good replacement.

Imagine if Left Shark could do the show. Yes, yes. And what would he be saying? Oh, just one second. I'm not ready yet. Yeah, well, and yes, he's getting ready for a long time. And then it's, hey, by the way, I'm performing in the Super Bowl, Mom. Look out for me. And then it's like, by the way uh i'm performing in the super bowl mom uh look out for me and then it's like uh wait a minute oh no and it's like everyone can be like i host the

daily show now because everyone is going i was actually left shark so that's who will host it probably is some combination of left shark morpheus mr p body uh nefarious school girl a nefarious school girl from kill bill and or Ming-Na Wen or the one from Sideways I want to say Karen O I think it's cat cat ho cat ho okay is that

it doesn't sound right to me cats are big in that culture they're worshipped in fact well every cult I mean since garfield it's every culture i mean and well it is it is because he became an institution he became an icon and whether i agree or not with uh some of his attitudes and his nastiness. I mean, and I don't agree with it,

but I can't deny the popularity. I can't deny the fact that in a lot of countries in Asia, Europe, even parts of Australia where they do have newspaper, Garfield is starting to be the number one, the number one cut on the block. We have a great guest today. Nicole Byer is here from Girl Code and other comedy. Oh, and we also wanted to talk about, we got that drawing from Greggy last week.

Yeah. And I was putting it in the garbage can, and I saw on the back he wrote that he has a podcast called Podcasts Are Wonderful. Okay. And so I looked at this show, and it's good. It's an interesting show. They talk about our show sometimes. Okay. And they get good guests.

They have – Katy Perry was on um gordon ramsey has been on the show so that's a that that's something for you to to check out talk to me before like if you're gonna do something like this tell me before we're because i don't know what the fuck this is like i literally don't know what the fuck you're talking about which is fine but i'm just like okay like great well it's just a nice you know a listener is like doing a podcast of his of its own it is a night you know it's a nice show i would you say no if i if i mentioned i don't know because i haven't even looked at it ever so i don't know what i would say i didn't have literally any what would you prepare anything

if i had said our listener is doing a podcast, I may want to mention on the show, would you then go listen to it? I find it hard to believe. All this if, whether, hypothetical shit, I can't tell you because it didn't happen. It just seems unlikely to me that I would mention that to you and then you would go listen to an entire episode of the show. into an entire episode of the show. Well, I couldn't this week because I had my skateboard painting competition and we all tried to draw the baddest skull possible on the back of the board.

So I couldn't, I didn't have time to do that because I'm in my sketchbook. I'm working with all kinds of different materials to see what's going to stick to the board. A lot of paints don't and a lot of markers and stuff wash right off. And you lose points for that. So, no, I couldn't do it this week, but I would have liked to know.

What would you, okay. And I lost. Thank you for asking. I did wind up losing. Yes. To some guy who calls himself Qbert. I saw the board. I thought your board theme, having it be like a puzzle pattern

was interesting it's fucking cool it's the skulls in pieces it looked like which skulls are but this is puzzle piece it looked like a real puzzle yeah and if you and something that they didn't really talk about is it's you could put those pieces together to make it like it's painted on and they had they were like exploding out but if you actually did make all those pieces you could have put them together the pieces are there to fit and it said that on the board but yeah not a lot of the other boards have words on them. No, they didn't write out to explain anything. Q-Berts just has wings and flames. And I'm like, that's not real. The skull doesn't do that.

I mean, you could burn it, but it's not. Attach a bird to it, I guess. A guest just texted me. I'm close. There's crazy traffic. Be there shortly. Okay, so she's going to be on the show coming right up on Hollywood Handbook. Our guest just texted me. I'm close. There's crazy traffic. Be there shortly. Okay. So she's going to be on the show coming right up on Hollywood Handbook.

Hollywood Handbook. Hi, everyone. You all over the past few months of listening to our show and a lot of your Wolf shows have gotten to know the guy who reads a lot of ad copy for the whole network. The voice of the network. Yes. His name is Earwolf Man Jack. He had a very long history in radio.

I think he did a lot of his best work on this show. The voice of the Versus Network as well. And he had been sick for a long time until last week when his pain finally ended and he did pass on. After a long, long battle with choking on a piece of turkey, like turkey bone. Yeah. That you could see his skin at the end was very sort of translucent. And so the doctors would kind of watch this thing go up and down.

And it did seem for a while that it was going to come back up. Either all the way up or go through. But it ended up turning sideways. And that was kind of, that was all she wrote. A lot of us were there. It was a nice peaceful environment. It was loud.

He made he personally made a lot of noise. And there was construction in the room. They were renovating the room itself. But they ended up complaining because he was being too noisy.

Well, the guy, he said, I can't hear my drill, which I didn't realize, but I guess they are listening for certain. So they know when they've found the stud or whatever. I'm not a construction guy. He wanted us to, he had written some ad copy. Yes, for his final ads. And he wanted us to read it. I think it's the least we can do. We can never do it as well as he did.

But in his memory – so this is the copy that Earwolfman Jack wrote for Loot Crate. Hi, it says at the beginning. Loot Crate is a box of strange toys. That's actually, we should correct. It's like a subscription. You get a box of sort of geek and gamer items and pop culture gear. He would look at it.

I'd rather honor. Okay. I just want to do, I want to honor the advertiser as well. And so just like he would look at it and see okay i just want to do i want to honor the advertiser as well and so just like he would look at it see a box of strange toys but it's well and he did and he said and i don't do impressions but he's he's he said he said what what is this and and then he said, Spider-Man friends with Pluto the dog. I mean, I don't think it was Pluto, but he was looking at those two things.

It might have been Snoopy, but he called it Pluto. I mean, but by the end, that turkey bone had gotten into his bloodstream. You could see it whole, surging into his heart and then out into his brain. Luke created a box of strange toys. It's for money. We should be more specific than that. I'm sorry. I do want to honor his wishes,

but I do want to be... It's for less than $20 a month. You get up to eight items. It includes licensed gear, apparel, collectibles. He says it has cartoon clothes in it. I don't know what that's referring to

specifically. I think it was a Bazinga t-shirt. Is that what he's calling cartoon clothes? I guess, yeah, I guess it seemed to him like it was like an action panel in a comic strip where somebody gets punched and it's sort of that Bazinga surprise. Do you want to read the rest of this um yeah absolutely uh it says um uh if you use the offer code hollywood and i think he was just so senile

at this point that he had written that down. It should probably be the offer code handbook. But try both, guys. If you use the offer code Hollywood, you'll get $3 off. And then he said, dope, dip, dope, dip, dope, dip, dope. Don't believe me, just watch. Don't believe me, just watch. Uh-huh. His favorite. Don't believe me, just watch. He would sing that a lot. And then he said,

ow, ow, ow-oo. And then he said, don't believe me, just watch. And then he said, where my real nerds at? Which was a nice gesture of uh it was sort of a conciliatory gesture to his enemy the nerd uh point dexter the nerd who um they did not get along no for much it was an uneasy partnership and i think that tension

is part of what created such an engaging dynamic and why people wanted to listen, but it ultimately drove them apart. But I think doing this Loot Crate ad and this sort of nerd gear that they had packaged allowed him to see that it was a valid point of view, point dexterity of the nerd, even if it wasn't his experience. And so just to close out the ad, it says, listen to the show, I guess it means this show, and buy Luke's crate, which is loot, buy loot crate.

Yes, yes. And he also, I think, was getting things conflated in his head. Yes, and he also, I think, was getting things conflated in his head. He was such a big fan of Dr. Luke and really supportive of his methods. So in Earwolf's, man, Jack's memory, it would be great if you would buy a few boxes of this and use a bunch of different offer codes until one works. Cycle through them. So I turn to Bruce. Bruce.

And I say, look, we've been in this section for an hour and a half. Could you just pick a candle already? And he says, I'm all sniffed out. I can't smell the difference anymore. He needs to clear it. So I go, okay.

I stick my jockey shorts in his face. And that's the kind of fun we have. And that actually does cancel out all the other smells. Oh, yes. It's like a saltine. But anyway, so I'm like, okay, great. This is clear and it's all fun. But wouldn't you know, he put it in his act.

Oh, wait, I wasn't listening. Oh, because the first, the beginning of the show. Oh, I was doing something else that I didn't think I was. Well, our guest is here. Don't air this out now. A's is mad at me. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz.

What up, what up? Nicole Byer is here. Hello. She's been on Girl Code. Yes. Which is a show. How would you describe it? It's about a girl.

It's about lady issues. Oh, wow. And if you have issues, just tune in and we will solve them for you. You can tweet at Girl Code and we'll answer questions for you on the air. It's a grand old time. I've never felt better doing it. I feel like I'm really giving back to the air. It's a grand old time. I've never felt better doing it. I feel like I'm really giving back to the community

and like children will remember me forever and it feels good. Now you are of course you're on Girl Code so you must be a girl. And what that means is we've had girls on the show four out of the past five weeks. Nice, nice, nice.

And we did have our employee, Seth, who was below us last week, and he was a man, but he was working for us. But the equals we've had on the show and the friends that we've had on the show have all been females. Yes.

Isn't that interesting? It's nice. Yeah. But you got it backwards because March is Women's Month. February is Black History Month. So you should have more Negroes here. Mmm. And we would love

that. And we would absolutely love that. I've been emailing the head of the network, Scott Ackerman, asking for that exact thing. Saying give me some of their number or something and if you have any connections for us. I have plenty of black friends that I can put in contact with you.

Perfect. And are they funny women? Yes. Well, that's what's hot. Two of them are. One of them is not. One we just keep around for the numbers, keep our numbers up. What I would be a little nervous about, actually, if we were, it would be nice if we could clear this up ahead of time so it doesn't happen.

I would prefer not to be called a honky on my own show. I didn't call you a honky. No, I'm just saying that. And this is why I'm scared. If we are getting in touch. About having more on the show. At some point, I'm worried somebody is going to call me a honky. And it's just like...

It's okay when I say it about myself. And we do do that most episodes. And so I think that's why you're nervous. It's our... Yes. You know? Because it could happen. Someone could come on here and do that to me.

Well, and I don't want to see what happens when someone says that to him. He really flies off the handle. I'm kind of curious. Okay. Well, don't get too curious. Yes, because please, it's... I feel like you get very sassy. You look very sassy.

That's a very nice way to put what happens to him. That implies a kind of friendliness that is not part of it. Yes, there's a charm in being sassy, and what he does is very ugly. We wanted to talk a little bit about water today, and Uncle Cody's Homemade Water. The engineer, Cody, has started a new business where he's been bringing in water from home for our guests. And if you could take a sip on air, Nicole, and we promised we'd do this ad for him and just tell us if it's refreshing or not. Thanks, guys.

Try it. It's very refreshing. Okay, Cody, that's one positive review. Wow. And to me, it tastes good at first and then after it doesn't. Now, what do you do to this water? It's definitely different from regular water, but it's hard for me to describe what the difference is. Thicker or something.

It is siltier. Yes. So mine it. You mine it. Yep. But what does that mean? Do you dig a hole? Mine.

Do you dig a hole and find the things you need from the earth? Yeah, mine. Mine it. So in your backyard, you mine for hydrogen? I don't really want to tell you where I'm getting it because it's not really... Then anyone could do it. Right. And so, I mean...

So it's not a proprietary formula. It's just that you have access to some sort of mining area. Well, it's traditional mining excavation coupled with a secret location. So then you dump what you mine into the water? Dump is a strong word. So you gently jupe it in? Jupe? You jupe it?

Jupe it in? Jupe it in, Cody? It's emerging, well, of the hydrogen and the oxygen that's found. And so it's emerged. Are those the only ingredients? Because I'm tasting. I'm tasting something else, and it's not. Oh, you're tasting Uncle Cody's secret ingredient.

Is it your cum? Nicole! Is it? Nicole, come on. Nicole! Is it? That's what it sounds like, though, when you say it that way, Cody. It does sound like that.

It doesn't really taste like cum to me. No, it's not very salty. No, it's not like what cum tastes like to me. It's actually potash. It's also, wait, potash? Potash. Who's potash? Potash.

Wait, do you? Wait, who's potash, Cody? No, potash. Who's potash? It's not a who, it's a what. Potash is what's in it? It's Potash, Cody? No, Potash. Who's Potash? It's not a who, it's a what. Potash is what's in it? It's Potash. Do you use a syringe and drip it in?

Like I said, mining. I don't know. Do you want me to just like, do you want a history of mining? You can't give away too much of the secret, but just what you can say. Wait, actually, I would like a history of mining. Oh, that's actually a good point, yes. Can we get a history of mining real quick? Well.

Because you say it like it's a normal thing that everyone goes outside and mines for their water. I mean, you want me to start, wait, prehistory, Egypt, Greece? I'd like prehistory if you could. I'd like the history of mining you offered us to start prehistory. Prehistory, please. Well, it started, you know. I mean, it started in prehistory. Uh-huh.

The chalk stones. Oh, yeah. When I think of mining, I think of caves. Are you going to a cave? Yeah. What? I mean, no. No?

I mean, what is it your business is what I want to know. And why are you so interested? Do you know why? I think. Because I don't really, I mean, what is it your business is what I want to know, and why are you so interested? Do you know why? Because I don't really, I'm not interested in adding more competition to the marketplace for water mining. Are you selling this water? Yeah, of course. That's how it got here.

I mean, you're pre-revenue right now, but it's in sort of beta testing. Yeah, and we're working out the details. Trying to get some FDA clearance, from what I understand, because Uncle Cody's secret ingredient, whatever it may be, and it doesn't taste like cum to me. No, it is potash, and I revealed that, but you weren't listening. Nicole, you may find Cody taking sort of an aggressive stance towards you. Yes.

And that's for a number of reasons. The gender and race definitely don't help with him. You don't like women or the blacks? Also, well, those are secondary. You're on Girl Code. He feels like that's sort of infringing on a project he had been working on for a while, which was called Girl Cody, where he played this character, Girl Cody. And then girls would tweet at him.

Yes. And he did this really strange sort of feminine voice, and it was a whole character. It was like some of what Shane Dawson does on his YouTube channel. I heard about it. I'm sorry, Cody, that Girl Code just got done editing first and made it to the air first. Got shelved, yeah. You could join Girl Code maybe. Cody editing first and made it to the air first. Got shelved, yeah.

You could join Girl Code maybe. Cody's done with me. He doesn't care. I know. I appreciate that. Thank you. It's a sore spot. No, it's sad to think about.

He's mad that I questioned his water. I just need to know more. I can only tell you so much. I don't want this project to get shelved. So I could make my own water. Sure. Well, that's exactly what he's afraid of. What are those, you know, when people get dirty water to drink and they put something in it?

What's that called? Oh, is that potash? Is that potash? Yeah. It is? People get dirty water to drink and they put something in it? Yeah, what's her name? Reese Witherspoon does it in that unbelievable movie.

Oh my God, did you see that movie? It was garbage. No! Nicole! You liked that piece of trash? Are you having me on? Nicole! No, that was a piece of trash.

Are you taking the piss? That's a little British character I do. No, I'm keeping my piss. That's like my friend Nigel. Nicole, I'm in the process of building a pack to journey on the same trail myself. Yeah. Okay. Hayes and his girlfriend Carrie Ann are doing the wild walk.

That's fine. Do that. But don't tell me you did heroin, you're at the lowest of your lows, and then I don't see you go through withdrawal. I don't believe anything. That's real life. No, that was not real life. It was not a slice of life.

I didn't believe it. Also, her face is too fucking round to hear, to hear you as an ambassador of girl code. Yes. What if somebody wrote in and said, I want to go on a trip because I did drugs. I did drugs and I had sex and I had a friendly divorce from my husband. Would you say don't even go on the trip?

No, I would say go on the trip. But if you're going to show me a movie about it, make sure it's real. Make sure I believe you. I liked it because there weren't enough big roles for women. Okay. And so I liked seeing a main character in one of these Oscar films be a woman for once. Would you have preferred a man going on the trip? Yes.

You wanted to watch that? Would you want to be McConaughey? Would you like a hunk like Aaron Eckhart? Ooh, he's a cutie. But I would have preferred that someone at the studio said, let's just not make this movie. Or let's not have Reese Witherspoon in it. Let's have someone else. Let's do a rewrite.

If they said that about every movie, there wouldn't be any movie. I mean. There'd be no I,ankenstein at that point. And then you wouldn't even know who Aaron Eckhart is. I just really loved Lucy. That was my favorite movie of 2013. You love Lucy? I loved Lucy.

Lucy was a great movie. That was a TV show. No. Yes. Oh, yes. I love Lucy was a TV show. But Lucy. See.

Engineer Coy. No, but Lucy. See? Engineer Cody. No, but this is the kind of impression. Lucy, you got a lot of explaining to do. And very rarely does an engineer. And there's something in this water that's making me really like Engineer Cody. Normally, an

engineer piping up with an unprompted impression would make me very upset. Oh, I'd be furious. And I wonder if it's a secret ingredient in Uncle Cody's homemade water. That is making me like the impression and just feel a little loosey-goosey. I do feel good. Is it the water? I think it might be.

And I would never, if you ask me, have just enough awareness of my old self before I drank this water that I would never want him to do an impression of, who's that, Ricky Martin he's doing? Ricky Ricardo. Oh, okay. Isn't that like the same thing? It's like Bruce Bruce. Isn't that just kind of copying Bruce Bruce? Like Marky Mark, the greatest actor of our time. This water, you say it's water, but it looks like a lava lamp.

Yes. The viscous bubbles moving in it seem to have a life of their own, don't they? Too much viscous. Yes. Too many bubbles. Yes. The mining process and ingredients. Why are we not allowed to have ice with it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes. Too many bubbles? Yes, in the mining process and the ingredients. Why are we not allowed to have ice with it?

Dude, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What if it's ice that you made? I don't do that. You don't make ice? No, no. Well, if you're in the water business, you've got to make all the water. Tea water? Yes, tea water.

Yes, you should come up with a line of tea water. Yes, when is the tea water on its way? Because right now, Cody, this is an opening. Because right now, it's just normal water that you put tea bags in. But what about special water for tea? Yes, finally. Because whenever I'm going to make a cup of tea, I'm thinking, I just use normal water.

I might as well take a nap. Or for your face. Right now, you use the same water for your face your hair your pits i don't want the water that's going in my armpits to be going on my face same thing on my face you know what i mean shower water what about a good shower water now it's in shower water it's just filtered? Like back through when it goes down the drain, it goes right immediately back to the head of the shower. No. No, is that true?

What? Is that true? No way. That's actually true. You're saying I shower with old water? Okay, not me, but I know a guy who sometimes in the shower is doing a pee. Does that mean that that's getting in the water that comes back? Yes, that's what that would mean.

We're all bathing in piss water. Just trying to tell you guys what I'm finding out here. This is the worst day of my life. Nicole, I have a question about girl code, okay? Yes. So it's girl code, right? But you guys also say no means no, and that's not a very good code to be. Isn't a code supposed to be?

Yeah, isn't it supposed to correspond to like- A different thing? Yeah, like the number four means the letter Q or something like that so that you have to decode it. So when a girl says no, am I supposed to like, is it a cryptogram? Nope, no just means no. But just see when you're saying that now what does that mean yeah it means no there's no way to know for me as a guy i don't know the girl code

code is hiding it and so when a girl is saying no to me and it kind of looks like okay let's do this thing what am i to me just like reading body language and stuff, but she's saying no. This is why Blurred Lines is such an important music video. What's the girl code for that?

The girl code to, what you're asking me, so the girl code for a girl when she says no and a guy's like, I'm gonna give it to you anyway?

Well, we're talking about, I mean, the scenario we're talking about, right, is you're asking for her parking spot. Is that right, so to speak so you want to park where this

girl's parked and she's not where she's very yeah it's a parking spot that she owns she's she owns this parking spot she doesn't have she doesn't have a car It's a vacant parking spot. There's no car. It's wide open. Very cavernous. Kind of dark and musty. And that's her spot. It's a compact spot. You want to get into that compact spot and she's like, no. I think you have to find a new parking space.

Go to like a parking garage and pay $10. Pay for it? Pay for it. Pay to park your car. Also, those slots are bigger. Hayes would rather circle the block, you know? All these codes, it's so confusing. I mean, it's like, guys are straight up. We say we're into

somebody, we're into them, you know? We don't play games. Straight up, no games. Open book. And so when you watch Guy Code, I love how they're like, we're just straight up. Straight up, Cole. Cole, straight up, Cole. Cole, straight up. I guess guys, no, guys are not straight up.

Guys play games. Oh, come on. You're with the wrong guys then. Guys like me and Hayes, we're straight up. We're straight up. I don't know. I don't know if you are. Most men aren't.

They say one thing and then they do another and then they're like I kind of like you and you're like really? And they're like no. And you're like but why'd you say that? It's awful. Dude, dude, Nicole? Yeah? I say what I mean. I mean what I say. I don't know. But I don't say it mean. And that's the rules. That's a good guy code.

That's a good code to live by. Yeah. That's a code. You should be on guy code. Hold on. I'm gonna call the president of MTV live by. Yeah, that's a code. You should be on Guy Code. Hold on. I'm going to call the president of MTV right now. Oh, okay. Philippe Dumont, is that you? Yes. I'm sitting with Sean.

Sean Clements? Have you heard of him? He's nice. I think he should be on Guy Code. No. Okay, goodbye. Sorry, Sean. It didn't work out? It did not work out. I tried on guy code. No. Okay, goodbye. Sorry, Sean. It didn't work out?

It did not work out. I tried my very hardest. Hmm. He said no? He said no. And what does that mean, you know, in French? He's a guy, so I guess that means, no, he's straight up. Oh, yeah, he's being straight up, and it might be because I, at one point, was parking in a spot that he felt was his to park in.

We didn't get any Popcorn Gallery questions this week. No, we did not. What does that mean, Popcorn Gallery? Cody just kicked a cooler under the table, it fell over and what looks like spilled out is a shark's endocrine gland. Don't touch that. Now that's what it looks like. Now I'm no marine biologist

but that's what it looks like. Nobody's leaping to touch this gland that you spilled all over the floor. Good. That's what I'm saying. Just stay away. Are you like obsessed with water? It's my job to be obsessed with water. Is that like your thing? The excavation process.

Like, did something happen in your youth that you're like obsessed? Did you like almost drown or something in like a pool? And you were just like, I gotta conquer water. Yeah, kind of. But it's more about the value of the minerals. I have a similar backstory. Really? Yeah.

What is that? I fell off a stage when I was six years old and I was like I have to conquer this stage and then my dad dropped a camera

on me when I was 11 years old and I was like I have to conquer the camera I wish a dick would follow me because then I could

conquer a dick but I guess I gotta wait for that okay Cody don't stand okay Cody standing on wait for that okay Cody don't stand Cody please I can see what you're about to do no

engineer Cody boy off the table back into your seat we don't want to see also can I touch on the fact that he said his job is to understand water when I thought his job is to make sure the sound is right. That explains a great deal about the quality of the sound.

Quality of the, yes. So we didn't get any Popcorn Gallery questions, but we're going to play the song for you. Yeah. And then we're going to do something this week where we guess what the questions would have been. This is not plugged into the actual... Cody wouldn't give him the sound cable.

To the sound cable. Every week I go through this thing with the engineers where I have to ask for the sound cable at the beginning, and then they hand it to me. You want to hold it closer to the mic, Hayes? They're not... Here, yes, I'll hold my laptop closer to the mic. So they're not using the sound cable for anything.

It should just be something that is over by my computer at the beginning of the show, where it could actually have some use but i always have to ask for it derailing the conversation i'm trying to have with my guests well this is an object lesson in what it sounds like your demands you're a man when men demand things they get them let's ask questions from our what like yeah what kind of stuff would our guests want to ask our fans want to ask um nicole um well a lot of times uh they do a very cursory google search um but sometimes they don't even go that far they just ask a question based on what your name is so it would probably be like nicole like buyer beware like what. Like what are you supposed to be buying?

Oh, God, that's a good question. What am I supposed to be buying? Happiness? Well, I mean, this is the kind of thing. This is the way the segment usually goes. Yeah, this is where we're kind of stuck because the questions don't really. Let's see. I buy a lot of ice cream.

Okay. I do love ice cream. So buyer kind of rhymes with briars. They might have even asked you about ice cream. Buyer buys briars. Yeah, they might have asked you that question. I should get an endorsement deal with briars. Nicole Buyer buys briars.

So, hello. Keep going. So, hello. Keep going. Nicole Byer buys Breyers because Breyers is best for people who buy Breyers ice cream. Ice cream is best when it's Breyers. So, Nicole Byer buys Breyers. Breyers and Byer go together like Breyers and By buyers should go together like cookies and cream ice cream.

Everybody knows buyers and briars are the two names that Americans trust along with Bill and Clinton. Buy us briars, please, said the children. We are so hungry for things to eat. So buyer bought the briars to the party where the children, we are so hungry for things to eat. We're so close. So buyer bought the briars to the party where the children were. Oh. You forgot to say so hello. Oh, so hello.

You already did say that twice. And then someone would probably, someone like Joe McGurl would probably do an IMDB search and look up your name and look down the list of your credits and go, well, you were on birthday boys. Yeah. Can you wish me a happy birthday or something like that?

That's exactly, exactly what he would ask. Yes. Okay. Who's this person? It's Joe McGurl. It's one of our... Joe McGurl,

may you have a happy birthday and be blessed every day of this new year that you're older. That's a good birthday. Now, Cody, you wanted to do some of these questions competitively with you as girl Cody just to show how much better your show would have been. Do you want to wish Joe McGirlley a happy birthday from Girl Cody? Sure. Joe, what was it? Joe McGurley.

God bless. And over at Girl Cody, we're firmly supportive of birth, and I'm glad you were born. God bless again. But do the voice. Yeah, that's not the voice from the show. Lucy! Lucy! You just got a lot of explaining to do.

The fake out at the beginning where it kind of seems like you're going to talk like a girl for a second. It was good. That was a good birthday. What other questions? Michael Bay. Well, they probably would ask a girl code question like a real like, hey, is it against girl code if my friend is with her man, if I like her man? Yeah, if my friend is with her man, if I like her man. It is against girl code.

You can't be grabbing other bitches' man. It's rude. Keep your hands to yourself don't be grabby hands against girl code oh wow I think I like this show what is the song

that they usually play I forget with the actual on girl code when you do like that whole thing it's like it's uh

it's um hang on hang on hang on I have it he can find it. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a sound cable, but he'll be able to hear it. Gotta lift that laptop.

I would really need the sound cable for this one. Because I think we should do it like you do it on the show, where you ask the question, and then the music comes in, and you do your answer. Should it be a new question? Yeah, sure. But along those same lines that will allow her to answer in girl code style. And in the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy some of this water. I'm sorry.

I just really want to do this. It's feeling so strange. It's such strange water. It's got a kick to it. And I feel like I have shark powers when I drink it. Is that supposed to be one of the effects, Cody? I do feel ocean fabulous. Don't forget the potash.

Potash. Okay, so you want me to ask a question? Yeah, Sean, go ahead and ask your question. Okay, so Nicole, and this is from Anastasia Vigo. Nicole, was it against girl code in the one Seinfeld episode when the lady couldn't spare a square to Elaine in the ladies' room? Oh, no, I've never seen Seinfeld before. Okay, so, yes, that's against girl code. I've never seen Seinfeld before. Okay.

So, yes, that's against girl code. If you don't spare a square, you gotta, you gotta spare a square. Ow, ow, spare a square. Ow, ow, let her wipe her butt. Let her wipe her butt. Let her wipe her butt. Ow, ow, if she can't wipe her butt, you're a bitch. Let her wipe her butt. Ow, ow. If she can't wipe her butt, you're a bitch. Let her wipe her butt.

You can't let a bitch walk around with a dirty ass. Let her wipe her butt. Against girl code. So I haven't seen the show. That song plays a lot? Every time we get a question asked, that song plays. And then we just scream at the camera our advice. That sounds good. song plays and then we just scream at the camera.

That sounds good. Sometimes people say it's jarring at first to turn on your TV and have women just screaming at you. But you get used to it and then you start screaming back at the TV. It's very interactive. That sounds better to me than

Girl Cody was supposed to be. Do you want to just do the same thing with Girl Cody where we ask Girl Cody a question? Yes, let's ask Girl Cody was supposed to be I mean do you want to just do the same thing with Girl Cody where we ask Girl Cody a question yes let's ask Girl Cody a question and just see how it compares

okay I guess I need another question huh yeah you need another question Girl Cody if you're on a first date

what's the Girl Cody on whether you should order a salad or a hamburger sandwich? So go ahead and answer the question. I just did. That was it. That was his answer. Oh, so it's very visual, girl Cody.

It's a lot of him sort of giving you a look. And almost he's panicked. Now come on, honey. That's what you say. Okay. You were doing so well. Just one freestyle too many. You really had it in the pocket for a while, Cody.

And then you just did one thing. You know, that's all it takes for it all to come crashing down. Yeah, to just crumble apart and just ruin the show. And in many ways, it ruined the show. And you're back. Nicole, speak on that. Right to where you started. Please speak on that, Nicole.

I don't know if Cody ruined it. He did bring us this water. I keep going back to this water. It's so weird that you make water. That's like if I made, I don't know, soup. It's like if you made science. Yeah, science is better. I guess soup isn't weird. I just hate soup. Science. Soup? It's like if you're a science. Yeah, science is better. I guess soup isn't weird. I just hate soup.

Soup's terrible. Oh, boy. Ugh. Oh, I mean, do you want to do the thing where you talk about soup? I hate soup. Wait, I mean, do you want to do it with the thing, right? Show me. Yeah, I was curious exactly what your problem with soup was.

Ooh, soup is against girl code. Let me ask you a question. What is the cream of a chicken? What is the cream of a mushroom? Chicken noodle soup, my ass. Those little tiny noodles fall off the spoon. Tomato soup, whoa, why would you want to eat that? It's so savory!

It's too savory! Gazpacho? That's cold ketchup with water in it! I hate soup! Oh, boy. I hate soup so much. That's a good show.

Yes. That is better than 99% of what I watch. I mean, Girl Cut really is quality. For me, there's that. Better Call Saul. Yeah, of course. I don't know how I would not. And I don't know what else.

I don't know how I would not be able to watch that show. When that show's on, I don't think I could avoid watching it. It would be so good. Well, for me, it's easy because I don't own a television. Nicole, is that interesting? Not owning a television. I think the most interesting thing about that is how often people talk about it when they don't have television. Oh, I've never met anyone who brought it up.

Really? You've got to talk to more people. Oh, really? But you usually, you say it first. Yes, that is actually the first thing I say. Because otherwise some person might try to sneak it in on you. No, and what I do is I'll usually walk in a room with noise-canceling headphones on, and then I'll be saying it as I remove them.

I'll go, I don't own a television, as I take them off. And then even if someone was saying it before me, I have plausible deniability. Nicole. Hmm? Thank you so much. You're really enjoying that water. It is good. Yeah.

Because it's so weird. It seems to have taken you over in some way. It's got, like, it tastes good going down, but then something a little funky happens after, and I've been doing an experiment to see if it happens every time, and it has. What's the funky thing? I don't, hold on. She's drinking the water. It makes me want to do that every time.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So you're not doing that on purpose. No, it's almost puppeteering your jaws. You know that phrase, it really wets your whistle? Yeah. This wets my whistle. Oh, okay. Now, did you say that on purpose, or is it making you whistle? Yeah. This wets my whistle. Oh, okay.

Now, did you say that on purpose, or is it making you say that? It's making me say that. It's making me say all these crazy things. Go to your waters, crazy. Can I use that bite as like the slogan for my company? What? It wets my whistle. Yes.

Drink my water, it'll wet your whistle. No, drink my water, it wets my whistle. It wets my whistle. Yes. Drink my water. It'll wet your whistle. No, drink my water. It wets my whistle. It wets my whistle. Drink my water. It wets my whistle. Cody, don't correct Nicole. She's doing a free ad for you.

If she wants to do it, it's going to wet your whistle. Cody's doing too well today. I don't want to do this show anymore. Certainly not with him. I prefer an engineer Sam. I like a Sam who's being quiet and making mistakes. Yes, that's easier on me. I know exactly where I stand.

How long do you want the commercial to be? That's perfect. And see, the chemistry between those two. This is a show I like. I didn't bring Jack's shit to the table today. I have one thing I said. I'm trying to keep up with the engineer, my guest chemistry. I mean, that feels terrible.

Give me a Brett. Give me a Brett. He's just focused on his guitar, and he don't know nothing. He's thinking about what song he's going to play on his guitar after the show. You have a guitar? No, this is the other engineer, Brett. These are the engineers we do like. Cody's a problem for us.

Oh, no, Cody! Cody! I don't try that hard, to be honest. Cody's a problem for us. Oh, no. Cody! Cody! I don't try that hard, to be honest. He's a problem on both ends. First being impossibly bad at his job. He's a terrible engineer, but he might be the best host at Earwolf. Now he's much better than we are. And that's a much worse problem than the original problem.

Go back to being the worst engineer. Do you call yourself a water proprietor? Or entrepreneur? Okay. A waterpreneur. A waterpreneur. Are you the first of your kind? I guess not. What's in Evian?

What's in Fiji? God. People. I don't know. You don't know what's in those waters? I like this pressing Cody until he's stretched a little too thin. I just gotta know about this water! Nicole did us a big favor, actually, by drawing Cody out, because what we found is... It's not sustainable, which is sort of what I was hoping. What we found is that both Hayes and I can be mediocre for a very long time.

Cody can be great, but in spurts. And then it's gone. Yeah. That's good. It's the mark of a genius. I want to give out the pro version this week. Oh, well, rate us on iTunes and like us on the forums and all of this. And the pro version, Andy Dick Cheney bought the pro version this week.

And so I guess Andy Dick Cheney would probably appreciate just a classic girl code style rant in return for his buying the pro version, right? Yeah. Should it be around the idea of Dick Cheney or Andy Dick? I guess it's a dealer's choice. Yeah, I guess it's up to you to decide. So this is a special pro version prize for Andy Dick Cheney. Who is Andy Dick Cheney?

He's one of our forum listeners who bought the pro version. So a rant for Andy Dick Cheney about Dick Cheney? Well, just something playing off his name, as long as you're saying his name. He thought his name was funny, so you that's what that's what matters and i love my name dick anything bye bye hollywood handbook okay uh we're just gonna keep reading the ad we're like we'll be the

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One of the things we offer at Hollywood Handbook is this is the only show where we've made it a game to figure out what the offer code is. A cool person somewhere along the chain of people who gave us ad copy decided to introduce a sort of fun puzzle for our listeners where they wrote the word Hollywood as the word that we should read for our offer code, but we've been informed that it doesn't work. Now, some people say handbook works, but will it be handbook next week or will Hollywood work again or will it be a totally new word? Maybe it's Hayes head or something like engineer Cody boy, something for inside. It calls into question whether the address lootcrate.com slash Hollywood actually works because the fact that the code has not been successful is the the website url

itself off the fun thing for you guys so many ads don't engage the audience just try every combination of these things and you'll have to buy a loot crate on each one to know whether or not it works some people have said well it took you so long to get an ad why would you make it a scavenger hunt for people to actually generate revenue for the show uh through the ads offer code and we've said to them hey shut up pal we're we're in the middle of something and move on buster because we know that our listeners really love games and fun and that's just what you get from loot crate and it just you it's hard to get it uh through us uh but please buy a loot crate um and use all the like get some kind of machine like an enigma machine uh to figure out what the offer code is.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.