Hollywood Handbook - Open Mike Eagle, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

The Boys and OPEN MIKE EAGLE make a writers room for their freestyle rap. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i'm running so fast just just like booking it so hard with um with uh with carter bayes carter bayes co-creator of him yim uh and we are so it was so crazy games and the goodwin games funny you think of him from him for me he's all goodwin games so we are so this is what was so sad uh goodwin games is like on the air it's going great uh and then a battery pops out of the camera and we're running because we are chasing it down the hill no it's rolling because if that battery rolls into the sewer that's the end of the Goodwin games. And the entire cast. Help me out. Help me. Help me.

Help me. Becky Newton. Becky Newton. Not Jennifer Goodwin. Keep helping me. That would have been nice though, huh? Help me. Help me.

Wouldn't that have been easier? There was two guys. Two guys. I only know them as their characters. You know what I mean? Like I try to divorce the concept of an actor being in a project like that i i i get lost in my imagination and i really like just live in that world where the game was happening and goodwin's trying to stop stop it or trying to win and

they're not above uh cutting up and being a little bit uh silly as well so we're like we're running so hard and also you say yeah right as if you've seen me do this you've seen how fast i can run especially downhill i have i have seen you run in a way where it's clear that you think you're going very fast and then and the noises that you make and the face you're making and the sort of like motion of your arms and stuff is like whoa this guy really feels like he's trucking well so what i what i have to say okay well you okay you like this this you will admit admit this my legs are going up and down very fast i'm not getting the necessarily like that's correct the like lateral push the like forward movement yes that's right you're not moving

across the earth very quickly your body's moving very fast thank you yes my legs are my legs are travel churning up and down i am going i'm just not it's much more up and down than it is it's slower than walking and it is and it destroys people's law that's ableist what you just said is ableist hey welcome to hollywood handbook inside this guy's kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet linebacker hallways. This industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? And so nice to be here again and doing a show.

Open mic eagle. No, sorry. Yes, Sean, I forgot to do this. Go ahead. I love my listeners, my fans. Thank you for tuning in. If you're hearing this in your ears right now, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Open mic eagle. The same to you of course oh did you kiss inside my ear too because that's weird

and if you don't like it then just pull your headphones away from your ear a little bit and what i'll do is it'll be in the air right near you but now so wait but say what's weird is it weird the location of the kiss is weird or the or the time of the kiss within the episode is weird it's too early to have a kiss i think this is like a situation where there's factors of weird and and but most of it comes down to the fact that i didn't i didn't expect a kiss in the ear and i think that's the worst time to get a kiss in the ear is when you didn't know one was coming. You want to say, okay, ready, wait, ready, wait. Wait a second.

Getting closer. Yeah. Ready now. Open like you hate surprises. Yeah, a little. Is that true? But now I'm anxious because I feel like you were going to do it again and so I'm not even sure that

it was really the preparation thing I think it might be some other issue I'm having entirely okay and thank you for admitting that that a little bit this is on you no no no mostly it's mostly me open mic eagle, rapper, comedian

comedy central show talk about the deal the money Open Mike Eagle, rapper, comedian, Comedy Central show. Talk about the deal, the money. Tell me what the deal was. What's this money? What was the initial offer? What's this money? Did you talk them up? There was a bidding war and somebody else wanted it.

And we were going to go with them. We closed the deal and then we didn't. And then we went we went with comedy central so that other company hates us and won't do anything with us ever um and um but yeah comedy central offered a bunch more money so we took them they offered more money than the other company they did this other company i'm assuming was like a bodega or something if they're getting outbid by comedy central yeah but i think they were a bodega the comedy central had a specific beef with i got news uh for you unfortunately that that other company was also comedy central and when they left the room and were like, let's think about this deal for a second,

and then came in the other door as like, you know, basically in a disguise, that was Comedy Central. Those guys are jerking you around. Did one of them wear their clothes backwards? Go ahead, yes. And a twirled charlie mustache no the funny thing is and this is a legitimately true story uh since then the two companies have merged uh-huh uh-huh

so what i'm thinking is this was an all access type of deal and of course no one has to say but it just feels to me like and i know a little bit about the business let's face it it's the hollywood handbook yeah we have to face up to this we know we know i'm gonna pretend yeah no no no that's not to anyone's benefit so um i want to know more about the deal points on the back end mike of course always a lot of points back end is huge right now never there's never enough points so i don't you know i wouldn't say a lot. Producer baggage?

How many EPs are we working with? Way too many. Yeah. Too many cooks, for sure. Some of them you don't know, huh? Yeah, I mean. You're just going through the credits. You're like, who is Connor?

Why is he getting? You're paying extra to check all those producers. It's true. On the plane. You have a title card at the end? I did not. That's the one place my lawyer failed me. And other people's lawyers didn't fail them.

Does Baron Vaughn ever talk about Leonard Maltin? Not enough. I didn't hear enough Leonard stories. It's like it's the chapter of his life that he's ashamed of or something. What? The Earwolf chapter? Kevin, did you hear that? It's gotta be. He don't talk about it. Who would a podcast when lyndon malton would never bring it up kevin he doesn't talk about the show he did with earwolf ever kevin because he thinks

because he has a tv show now that that's better he's got like five tv shows than an earwolf podcast that's like close to an earwolf podcast or specifically a wolf pop podcast he doesn't talk about wolf pop hey guys chef kevin here i recorded some of those episodes and he and you would never know because he will never speak of it ever you might as well not exist kevin i'll have to write to him to jog his memory a little bit that sounds like a euphemism for beating him up. Yeah, he's going to be up there. Me and the engineers are going to help remind him. Pay him a little

visit. Down memory lane. Give him map quest directions. Oh boy. Does that mean brass knuckles? Is that what that means? It sounds like it. I'm going to ask Jeeves to help me deliver the map

quest. Kevin puts the brass knuckles in his mouth and then he just sort of thrusts his head back and forth. That could be painful. Yeah, it doesn't feel good. It definitely could be. They're really heavy too. He can definitely that first like head butt is really hard but then he can't lift his head back up necessarily yeah

that's the thing he'll get you once sort of in the like shoulder area pretty good and then you kind of got to help him up and i feel like each strike costs him a tooth oh yeah the cost price of engagement you know yeah uh coronavirus this is real or fake you think the novel coronavirus i don't like when people call it the novel coronavirus it makes it sound like it's the great yeah it's not this isn't This is not like this isn't literature. This isn't. The virus isn't going to win the Nobel Literature Prize. OK, it's not.

And even even you heard you heard in coronavirus, he's counting you out. Prove him wrong. I'm saying. And even in the novel, in the sense of time, it time, it's been around a while now. It's not novelty. The novelty has worn off for you. Precisely. Precisely that.

This virus is old hat. But isn't it interesting that The Great Gatsby is fake and that novel is fake? And so maybe all along they were saying, this is actually, oh, you thought this was real? It actually is completely fake. It's actually a novel. It's the sort of thing that Michael Crichton would come up with. More so than what happened in the real world. Chef Kevin has been explaining to us that this is all completely fake.

None of it is happening. None of it's happening. People are actually getting healthier. Whoa! Yeah. That'd be the greatest trick the devil ever pulled. It gets you healthier until you're getting sicker. That's what I keep saying.

Kevin's been saying this. Hats off to the devil if he pulls that one off. Old hats off. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let's talk about live streaming backdrops. I see you have one there. You're mostly concealing it.

Yeah, I'll get out of the way for a moment. Magic is on the air. Yeah, this is WZRD. So the imaginary quarantine radio show that I do every day, we also call WZRD, but that's only because I have the banner already. Okay. And I stole the banner from a set of a television show I was co-starring on last year that nobody ever saw.

And so this is my proof that it happened because I did not make this banner myself. What show was that? Different show? Yes. It was called Live from WZRD, and it was on VRV. It was on AT&T's favorite daughter, VRV. And this was WZRD on VRV. Yes, yes, VRV.

And yeah, so that just happened. VRV, that's the show that turned uh the harmontown guys into cartoon correct yes they didn't turn us into cartoons they just vrv i believe is how dracula abbreviates be right back is this true i just spot on a spot on spot on it might be i think maybe there's there's only like it's secretly just like a vampire money laundering scheme. I think the whole thing, because I think like, yeah, they have they have shows, but they don't promote them. Yeah. But what and what evidence is there that it is actually when it comes to the check? The head of the network goes, oh, V-Ride Vag!

And then he just turns into a bat and flies out the window. It's almost like you were there. And also, this is oddly blood-colored. Ah, yes. I didn't notice that at first, but that's probably what's getting them so excited. So they're probably really mad at me because I took

the blood banner. Mm-hmm. banner well no wonder and baron vaughn killed this show out of jealousy no he was on it too and he was on it as well yeah he was he will he uh he was on one episode so this is a really funny thing that happened um you should put this in your handbook for for uh for for people in the business don't know kevin put this well he said it for people in the business. Don't know. Kevin, put this. Well, he said it's a really funny thing that happened. It doesn't sound like it would go in our handbook the way we have it constructed. But we could sell it to something else. That's true.

How did this get made? Might like it. Well, this is a pitch then. You can take it or leave it. So we shot the New Negroes, and it was in a can a year before they aired it. And then so they gave us they had a pretty good long lead out to give us like a target date of when they're going to start airing it. And all I told the people to VRV because our show came together and we shot it in like two months. I was like, if you're going to air it, don't air it on this like this month, because that's when my other show is starting. And I'm not sure that all the promotion is going to be able to like hold up at the same time yeah and um they aired

them on the exact same day at the same premiere date it was it was amazing it was so yes essentially forcing you to force your fans to choose. Well, yeah, it forced me to do two sets of tweets that day. Oh, no. And for East Coast and West Coast. Yeah. Well, time doesn't exist on VRV, so that was good. To me, it would send the message.

I would go, he's not committed to either of these projects like he doesn't care you're just recommending things all over like you go here watch this or watch that i wish we'd spoke before this happened i feel like i should have run this by you and you would have told me how it would have made you feel and i would have kept it a secret damn that's not valuable i had a time yeah uh open mike eagle yes freestyle rap yeah i do it you're one of the masters of it is this true um i'm i'm pretty great i'm pretty great at making up reps and he makes them before and he does it right at the time that you are watching it happen. Yes. Impromptu

as we say in the business. You're sort of the Middleditch and Schwartz of raps. Is this correct? Both together, yes. Just two sides of the brain, you know? There's the, yes, there's the Middleditch lobe and the schwartz lobe yeah and they complement each other and they compete with each other yes they yes they

inspire each other you know to to continue striving and your brain is just doing that to itself yes the one side of it will go like, how about this rhyme? And the other side will go, but check out this rhyme. And that is cool. And that's nice that you're making it up on the spot. I guess we're sort of handicapping for you when you do that. Yeah. Part of what's impressive, right, is that it's just happening now.

So I go, well, even if it's not great, it's still like, even if it's very good, it's still great because like you just made it up. Right. And then I make a lot of mistakes, but they're beautiful mistakes, you know? That's part of it. Yeah. It's like you did on purpose, like the Sufi Weaver. Sean, talk about this. Introduce this idea.

Open my Google. Are you familiar with the Sufi Weaver? No about this introduce this idea oh but mike you are you familiar with the sufi weaver no i've never heard of it so the sufi weaver when a mistake was made on their loom would actually repeat the mistake until it became a part of the pattern oh that's beautiful and therefore it wasn't a mistake at all wow i yes i have uh purchased uh a huge medieval loom uh to create uh personal protective equipment oh uh yes uh out of very thick ropes. So one mask I can make out of basically three huge cords of rope that you just wrap around. You just kind of tie around your head. And it has to be kind of sawed off at the end of the day. But it's not going to fall off.

It's nice and sturdy. of fall off it's nice and sturdy let's talk about um doing a rap where we are actually really thinking about it though and instead of freestyle rap we're at we're doing actually very deliberate rap let's think about this the thing about the freestyling right is that you have you don't have a lot of time so like you have to just come up with what you can do best in a short amount of time so what you're doing yes like i'm not sure it would work in time because you don't have the time to think which is the reason you have to kind of say whatever you just thought of well right we have now for the rest of this court record what an hour and 45 minutes yeah at least at least an hour and 45 minutes? Yeah, at least. At least an hour and 45 minutes left

on the clock until you're allowed to leave. Okay. I have to tell my kid that because he's going to expect lunch at some point. But I'll take care of him. Grubhub. It'll be fine. I got it. Support the restaurants, kid. Come on, kid.

Just put on a suit and then wipe off your burger with bleach and get down to town so one thing that it's going to take to do this deliberate rap is a little bit of bravery and believing in ourself i'm not good because it's it's fear based to freestyle isn't it it is i mean i didn't know we were going to get down to that level on it but yeah you know i just made it up oh i just made it up did you not like it well i just made it up i'm afraid but if you really work on it for an hour and 45 minutes then you have to say like this is actually what i think is the best thing I can do. And Sean, you've done television shows and Sean and I have as well.

And so that's a big reason why... Something like Ghosted, where a group of how many? 13 or 14 extremely highly paid professionals got together in a room for not an hour and 45 minutes, really more like uh five to seven months yeah and for um sometimes we were there for like 15 hours so between certainly no less so between eight and 15 hour days but then you watch the show and you say oh that's why they

did that oh that's why they spent all that money and put in all that work. You say, oh, this hearkens to John Carpenter's The Thing. Counterpoint, though. What about the idea of doing impromptu television where you don't think and you just make television on the spot because you don't have time?

So what about... I think you guys haven't tried that, but what if that produces a more like you know urgent style of product how about taking freestyle the principles of freestyle rap and applying them to a long form television the interview that sticks with me the most because every once in a while you'll come upon an interview with an actor where they say that most of the show is actually improvised just like every now and then and it happens now and then yeah the one that has stuck with me that i was very impressed by was an interview with an actor

on the show friday night lights where they said that most of what they were doing on that show was improvised and i was like wow it's surprising it yes it really did not feel that way no it really felt like uh i mean that certainly seems like it would be a difficult task to improvise that show and yet they managed to do it so did they just like play football most of the time without a script? They improvised. They were like, hey, what if in this scene we had a football game? Yeah, I think when they showed up to set, everyone was kind of just standing around. And they were like, there's a high school about a half a mile from here.

What if we went there and started tossing around the pigskin? I wish they had marketed it that way. I would have watched it. Right? If they had told me that way i would have watched it right if they had told me that's what it was like and instead they had to go to go to time out on direct tv for a year so so a lot of shows do do that but i but like it's weird to me to see uh the product on a show like ghosted or on hbo's divorce uh where we spent an entire year essentially writing uh the show

then to see that product on screen and be like oh let's do something else let's do something cheaper it's like no let's keep doing this yes where when you when you turn on the screen and divorce is on or ghosted is on and you go oh wow everything i dreamed all the sweat equity that was put in all these minds coming together and working and throwing out the script and saying no it's not good enough and starting over from scratch it's all worth it when you watch and you you laugh yes you feel scared yeah some of those ghosted episodes were scary as shit man that had me pissing my fucking drawers dude when they were getting chased by the monster or when all the kids at the birthday party were turning to basically zombies you go wow it's good that we spent the time that we did uh so maybe what we'll do is kevin will give us a suggestion mike you can start uh riffing on that suggestion like you would

and then we will of course stop you and begin the process of opening the writer's room and workshopping this rap. And we'll see what comes out of that. And also, it will cost more money. It sounds like it's going to make me very uncomfortable, but I feel like there's a lesson for me there. And also, I don't know what's going on in my neighborhood, but it happens all the time, whatever it is, constantly. Something weird.

Okay, Kevin, go ahead. I think it's the circus. Sounds like it might be the circus. To me, it sounded like the circus. Another elephant on the rampage, yes. Fiance? So, Kevin, the word fiance, Sean was talking about being scared by some of the content he's

created before and the word fiance to kevin is a very scary uh concept um he's in a long-term happy relationship uh that he refuses to make honest um so what does that make you uh think about anxiety it makes me think about anxiety okay okay well getting anxious anxiety fear i mean this makes me think of ghosted episode seven when they discovered the chronosos machine beneath the exclusive country club where the membership was draining people of their life force in order to stay young. So that Kronos machine anxiety, I'm getting close to something, fiance. What's an example of a rhyme that you would turn that into mike just like

like what's the baseline so we yeah just like the quick version yeah um i would be like in the shower uh whispering something quietly uh to myself about my anxiety or something something like such yeah would be where I would start. So whispering something in the shower. Quietly. Yes. As in, as in to not be heard by said fiance. Yeah.

Okay. That's interesting. I think people find baths a little more relatable. Okay. Just when I think people don't take showers just because it's it's sort of freaky that's like almost like water fingers coming down and grabbing you whereas if you can ease into a bath that's probably what i would say about 90 of people do every day i agree because then there's i think after people saw psycho they stopped showering so i

think you're right yeah that was it hurt the shower industry so but the thing about the bath the reason that you know you whisper something in the shower is because the water's loud right so you can say something without people in the bath we'd have to have something um that is making noise something loud uh x-men master mold machine oh that makes sentinels what about mother mold a mother mold is even louder mother mold makes master mold indeed machines and so imagine how loud that would be so taking a bath next to that would like in essentially a mother mold facility. Now that's very loud. And maybe the one that's hovering around the sun. So it's even louder.

Like there's so much noise that you can whisper anything. You can yell and it would be like a whisper because no one could hear you in a space where no one can hear you whimper. one could hear you in a space where no one can hear you whimper so talking normally in the bath next to the mother mold machine going around the sun so my girlfriend doesn't hear senator kelly hear you just i feel like he would have that thing bugged just i feel like he would have that thing bugged you uh yeah maybe that's my anxiety talking again but i just if senator kelly hears what i'm saying about my fiance he's the type to really use that information against me he'll he'll make a law about you based on what he heard you whimpering in the back he's gonna outlaw the fear of commitment he is yeah i and everyone like me is going to be well at what up in a crusher at what point are you so incapable of marriage that you are

essentially a mutant like like that's your power that you just won't commit yeah i mean like there must be and all like we see that like oh there's like telekinesis and like they all seem to have like kind of the same powers but there must be some out there that just have like an infinite range of powers and one is not being able to get married genetically unable to get down on one knee and tell someone you love them the next step in evolution oh i like it so this could be a good rap uh-huh it could be an album um the marriage mutant and it's about senator kelly uh trying to pass a law outlawing me oh and so what if it's this? It's Kevin has to attempt to get married in order to prove that he's not a mutant.

Oh, my God. And so Senator Kelly will not put him in a crushing machine. So there's just Sentinels watching him all the time, like waiting for him to pop the question. Yeah, Sentinels are sort of flying you know they have those little like rockets on their boots and though so they're sort of like hovering around behind kevin uh as he goes about mutant shit or get off the pot as he takes a trip to paris with his girlfriend um but this has to rhyme, too.

It has to rhyme. Oh, God, I forgot all about the rhyming part. But it also has, it does have to rhyme. So we may want to just come up, I mean, one thing I think could be productive is if we break off a side room. Maybe Kevin runs that room. And that'll just be, you know,

we'll keep talking about the story but kevin could run a b room maybe with like engineer sam and engineer ryan where they just come up with rhymes like things that rhyme with mutant so that we have because we're gonna need that we're gonna need some stuff that rhymes with kelly um i think i'm gonna send i'm gonna send it send him with this note um in in this universe instead of the x gene you have the ex-boyfriend gene yes yes that's all i have that's all i write that down kevin take that take put take that roll the whiteboard into the next room with that on it all right i'll be over here and can can I suggest something, Kevin, that rhymes with mutant? Yes. Putin.

Putin. And now we're making this actually relevant in the news. Oh, I like this. Now it's topical. So what would that sound like, Kevin? And Mike can help you. Mike Jip? If you you struggle but don't do not

our preference is not to overextend Mike we need him in our room I have a hard time focusing on more than one storyline at a time I'll just say that so let's try to do this Kevin without struggling at all yeah i turn on cnn and i think i see a mutant oh wait a second it's actually mr putin oh uh kind of lost me there um yeah i

think you lost a lot of people, Kevin. It's just me. I was just having problems tracking. That's all. Yeah, I must have been tracking. I got lost. I'll work on that. Okay, we'll call you in if we need you. Thanks.

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hollywood memorabilia you're talking about like ornate gowns you know in some cases and so that was uh yeah that was costing me a lot a lot a lot stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com slash the boys that's rocket money.com slash the boys rocket money.com slash the boys hollywood handbook okay so that's bars uh what else uh like where can this go like what like you know we need is there a b story to this well yeah i mean the b story should be um gambit kissing rogue while she's asleep. Okay. So what is Gambit? Gambit has some he's got another secret he's trying to hide and then she's going to learn

the secret. He's not from Louisiana. Yeah. Maybe that's why his accent is so bad all the time. He's from Maine. He's overdoing it in a big way. If he was really from there, he wouldn't feel the need to lean into it so hard

every single sentence. Yeah, he's from Maine. He's from a gunkwit. I'm liking this. Where's he from again? What'd you say? A gunkwit. A gunkwit.

But not in a townie way. His parents were really rich and retired early. But not in like a like a towny way. Like his parents like got really rich and like retired early. And so like he grew up there on like a really large property. It's like in the way the Bush family was like, oh, we're from

Kennebunkport or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. He's nearby there. But yeah, they've got a cool like sort of beach side estate and um he would steal from the candy shop as a kid those little styrofoam flying saucer candies you know they're like filled with little like bb's almost different colors are you familiar with these no that's where that's where his powers first awoke though rightoke though right his initial thievery

when he made the candy blow up and did he he must have hurt somebody really bad that first time yeah the candy guy the candy yeah he must have blew that guy's whole face off huh he created the candy man

Mr. O'Meary the candy man's in the movie. In the show. In the rap. Right. In the song. In the song. And Mr. O'Meary was actually his dad.

Yeah. Because there weren't enough people in a town where there would be his dad and another guy. So they'd have to be the same person. have to be the same person that so his dad of course like got really rich from like whatever natural gas extraction and then retired to maine to be like oh i'm like a normal guy who's like opening a candy shop but all those guys are like so rich and just doing you know just doing it for fun basically he was on this run this into kevin's room real Mr. O'Meary kind of sounds like Mary, and we're getting into getting married stuff. Yeah.

So I feel like there's something there. Again, I feel like we're on a really good path, getting a lot of shit done in this room. So let's just get his room kind of bubbling on that and see what they can put together. And, and Kevin, actually,

Kevin, and get us a few options. I don't want to just hear like, Miri sounds like married. It's like, that's what we're giving you, but give us a few different ways we can use that. Okay.

You got it. I got another pitch to real quick to help you out. So Mr. O'Meara got his face blown off but mr o'meara who is gambit's dad is also a mutant too and his power is that whenever he gets his face blown off there's another face underneath and it's the face of your future fiance every time it's just your future holy shit that song is so good yeah i'm really i'm really happy about it now i wasn't shaking about it before i'm feeling good about it now if we could just get the rhyming element like this song is that always comes last the rhyming comes yeah so we get the story first

you know and then we'll lock we'll lock in the rhymes like right before we go into the booth so that's interesting kevin you will i guess never really know uh if you're in this position whether the person you are proposing to is your girlfriend or your dad okay so think about so think about that as you're as you're doing your rhymes and again it would be really great to get a usable version of this on the first try and not have to like be like you know be going back and forth with it for a long time it's just like take all day doing that it's like measure twice cut once you know like we're coming up with this great story all this stuff in the song mr o'meary the candy man gambit blows his face off kevin's fiance we're whispering in the song. Mr. O'Meary, the candy man, Gambit blows his face off, Kevin's fiance, we're whispering in the tub,

which is next to the mother machine. This is starting to sound like a party song, I think. I think this could be a really big hit. Yeah, this could be like an I Love College type. This could be an Asher Roth type fucking banger. Okay, so we know that gambit has this secret he is rich he's from maine his uh his dad looks like his future fiance he wants to kiss rogue in her sleep the only safe time to kiss someone because then they will certainly while you're asleep you're not expecting to get married well i don't want gambit is uh a scam we don't want him to be terribly predatory so i think that right psylocke should implant into his mind a message from rogue

that she wants a kiss she's asleep so she so she can't object. Of course, when he kisses her, she cannot make physical contact with another mutant. She absorbs their powers and sort of blasts them and makes them very weak. He could be, you know, essentially made catatonic from delivering the kiss. Psylocke is doing it because... I'd love to give her a strong motivation.

I think... Oh, Gambit finished her apple. Oh, go ahead. The apocalypse? No, no, no. What were you going to say? It'll be tough. Yeah, I was thinking the apocalypse thing.

It'll be tough to beat the Gambit finished her apple. Apples are more relatable. And there's the apple... He ate the apple in the bath oh no so it's like a wet apple like it's gonna be it's gonna be a great visual is this romantic bobbing for apples in his own bath water you okay that that uh eats a little bit of my lunch go ahead uh is it romantic to text your wife uh asking if she wants to go bobbing for apples and then she comes to the bathroom and you are sitting in a very hot bath that is and you're surrounded by apples and i'm asking if this is

romantic for oh for for to do with your wife for your anniversary huh i can't and that's a present in a way too right that's an anniversary present all those apples so i'm i'm sorry i'm getting a little sidetracked because i have this idea i can't let go of. And I couldn't think of a good time to say it, but I think a great song on this album is like, I woke up married. Because that's the most terrifying thing that could happen to this guy. He went to sleep, still

afraid of commitment, and wakes up married. Oh my god. Uh-huh. Yes. We're talking pure terror here. Especially, you kiss like, you try to kiss My God. Uh-huh. Yes. We're talking pure terror here. Twilight Zone levels. Especially you kiss, like you try to kiss your girlfriend Rogue, and you get knocked out catatonic, and you wake up, and it turns out you were married, and you actually married Mystique?

Oh, sample alert. Oh, sample alert. Okay, we can get the sample for this one. And it's Chef Kevin's voice, and he's going, I got to get into his voice real quick. Hey, Chef Kevin here. Hey, hey. Hey, Chef Kevin here.

Okay. This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my beautiful house. When the days go by and I woke up married now. I think we can get David Byrne attached actually that would really help us I hear he's taking pitches so maybe he'll want to be an exec producer as well

always use more of those he's hired some of the CISO folks the people that were kind of like cut loose after CISO shut down they have joined his his pod uh and they are taking meetings i understand yes kevin uh you want to come in with those rhymes okay here we go okay i'm noticing the whiteboard there's a lot of stuff

it rubbed out penis it's a rocket ship okay same thing oh it's not appropriate in the workplace sean hey same thing hey look i'm protected as a comedy writer i have to i have to allow my mind to investigate some of the most fucked up dark corners of the psyche. So me comparing a penis in a rocket ship, that's necessary to the song. Creatively, if we shut that off, we're never going to have any content we could use. Senator Kelly is a little smelly. Something, anything anything there um okay that doesn't have any i just want to remind you as we move forward here what the assignment was yeah i kind of feel like

you've been wasting our time for this room that you put together it was that the that mr o'meary who is your dad who looks like your future fiancee owner of the candy store that sort of rhymes with mary yeah so there were two assignments initially we did give him uh mutant rhymes and senator kelly rhymes thank you shot you said senator kelly rhymes specifically i mentioned senator Senator Kelly as something else, but I think what I meant to say was, obviously, we're not going to do smelly. Okay. I'll circle back. Go ahead, Mike. I had not smelly in my notes.

Yeah. That, I think, I can't believe I even have to say it. We're not going to do that. Wait a second. Mr. O'Mary blows raspberries on Senator Kelly's belly. This took a real turn. Are we working blue? Where are we pitching this?

Working blue. Yeah. Like Mystique. Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh. That is is it she's really blue only when she's not working uh and senator kelly did turn out to be mystique at what point that's true okay um so so let's think for a second i guess yeah i Yeah. I, it would be good to figure out what the home is for this because obviously if we want to be able to go to Disney plus, uh, or

any more family friendly type of network, any like, yeah. And any of the big four, they're not going to let us blow raspberries on senator kelly's belly like that's not gonna be do you guys remember when um bruce davison uh transformed into nude rebecca romaine's damos in the in the movie i do i don't i do remember that what do you think about that? How often do I think about it? Yeah, what? Every 45 seconds or so. You don't remember that, Mike?

I don't. That sounds like the kind of thing I would try to forget. It was crazy. It was so crazy. I feel like you're Psylocke and planting that false memory into my mind. You guys think about how Rebecca Romijn

became Rebecca Romijn Stamos when she married John Stamos. But now she's been married a lot longer to Jerry O'Connell and she ain't taking O'Connell that's gotta feel like shit dude and then she became Jennifer Lawrence when she got fired

yeah wow yeah that mystique is really powerful she transformed she can be anyone well Jennifer Lawrence in the world of the movie is a famous

actress and so in a way she's chasing clout Mystique is chasing clout by being by pretending to be Jennifer Lawrence Kevin knows something about that who can relate who can relate to this who can relate

also did you guys think about how like kevin changed the name o'meary in his rhyme what'd he change it to he said he said mr o'meary is blowing raspberries on senator kelly's belly it's not really like we said o'meary sounds like Mary. And then he was like, well, I'll just say Mary then. And then rhyme it with Barry. And then he's going to, and then he said, I'm going to pronounce raspberry really weird. I'm going to say raspberry. Raspberry.

I'm going to put the stress syllable on Barry. Oh, but this, all this adding razz to the front of a word has got me to mutant Rasputin. Wow. So that's a little bit like Putin. Yeah. Also Russian. Wait a minute. A Rasputin and Putin, are they related?

Did he just drop the Raz before he ran for office? Is that what happened? That seems likely. Wow. So he's just like got he's got real anger. This is like all a revenge trip. You know, because they shot

him and they are like whatever it is, his dad, Rasputin. They shot him in the river. It could be the same guy. He's a sorcerer. Yeah. He's a WZRD.

Yes. He's been alive for 300 years he produces Verve it felt like it now open mic we've only got 9 minutes left this network is

owed by Rasputin guys I don't want to cut out a line here but can I ask a question and feel free not to answer but I do I have to ask is this network owned by respute wait someone was um what was someone was saying they had to leave no I was saying

we've only got 90 minutes left with you. Oh, yes. And so I do want to get back on task. Now describe what that look like. The look that he gave me was like, hey, hey, hey, dad. Hey, dad. I know you're on the computer with your friends, but, you know. Oh, that's what you said no that's what he

said well that's what is the look he gave me that's the look he gave me oh but you must have told him you were going to be on the computer with your friends well i i told him why else would he give you that look be on the computer uh but he doesn't understand uh you didn't say something like this for free so it had it have to be with friends or else why would why would i do this right now so you're saying we so you're saying we must be your friends we have to be like we or else me and him would be out tossing the football like why else would i be doing this if this weren't my friends you know hey you go out and toss the football with them friday night lights might break out all right somebody walks by starts filming on their phone all of a sudden you're four seasons deep

oh i'm seeing it now we'll call it we'll call it saturday morning lights yes wow that's that's perfect for vrv's programming kevin you'll you know we didn't it's not a complete song yet you'll of course assemble it from what we have though right and put together a beat you have a sample you have the entire story you have many rhymes already

so like that's we've we've held your hand 90% of the way there yeah at this point just like basically cutting and pasting it. And to open my giggle, I say thank you

for doing the show. Thank you for saying that we were all friends. I love you, and I am in love with you. I still wasn't expecting it. At the end of the show.

So even that was unexpected. I don't know what else I can do. It's me. I have to talk to my therapist about it this week and see what I can come up with. And Kevin, did you have anything you wanted to say? I love you and I'm in love with you.

Oh, okay. That's good. And there's a kiss coming in three, two, one. Okay. And then the proposal's next, right? And are you free this weekend and for the rest of your life? Oh, that's pretty good. Wow. That is not bad at all.

Wow. That is not bad at all. Man. If I'm Leah in the next room and I hear, how effortlessly. Yeah, he knows the words. Basically right out. That perfect proposal was delivered. And now you just burned it.

You can't even use that word. Oh, God. I might have to delete this. Bye. delivered and now you just burned it you can't even use that one oh god i might have to delete this bye or wait open mic did uh does there something you'd like to promote oh no um i'm on twitter people can find me there at mike underscore eagle and i talk about everything else going on in my life there everything else else other than all the ground we covered on this episode. True, because I didn't talk about any of this there before. But this is the Hollywood Handbook, so I came here prepared to bare my soul and my business secrets.

So, Kevin, use the bye that I did before I put it. Yep, makes sense. Bye. Hollywood Handbook.