Hollywood Handbook - Patrick Walsh, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Hayes and Sean are back today with a segment called "Trend Nottingham", where they track things that aren't trending. Then, PATRICK WALSH stops by to talk to the guys to talk about his past relationship with Sean and play a couple rounds of "That's Wheely Interesting". Plus, another installment of Hayes catching Engineer Cody slacking off!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast so i turned to caitlin jenner yeah and bruce almighty and i go help him he's gonna get pulled out of the boat and and the and the fishing line breaks and thankfully you know she falls back in and uh so i go over and i go like oh my gosh that was crazy and she goes well it was so strong it was so strong that wasn't any normal fish and so i go well i better check this out and i skin dive in there i free dive down and i pull up a marlin uh it's about 240 300 pounds but it has a whale shark biting onto it and i go i think i found the problem you know whale sharks usually don't have teeth or even really mouths that open

so it was a freaky one so this was you said this is the boat it's a boat well this wasn't the ark bruce almighty's ark because bruce almighty oh he had i guess it was like you know it's probably the bones of that ark but it's been repurposed and it's much nicer okay yeah he did have that famous one which i wasn't even thinking about or wait evan almighty had the ark you got me but he might have been on evan's boat because it was big and there was a lot of animals in the inside but we're on the outside and it was um looked like it had been repainted and the other question i had was you said help him him. He's going to be pulled out of the boat. And then you said she fell back into the boat.

Oh, okay. And so was it she, Caitlin, was pulling on? No, I turned to Caitlin and Bruce and said, help him. Okay. And what was happening was Peter Fonda was reaching over the boat and was holding little Elle Fanning and he, and she was getting pulled away by the fish. And so, so they, you know, they didn't really help, but thankfully she did fall back in. I was never worried about Peter, but I was saying, help him help Peter pull little Elle. And she fell. And she fell back in the boat, thankfully. Oh, okay. I thought you had accidentally referred to Caitlyn Jenner as a he.

How do you mean? That's just what I thought happened when you said. Why would that happen? Just hearing the story, it seemed like that was kind of like the discrepancy that had. Oh, I don't. Had occurred with you. I don't see that at all. That's not what happened you i don't see that at all but i knew the story oh you knew this but i turned to them and said help him i said i turned to them and said help him

so like why would i turn to them and be like help him like why would i turn to caitlin i just thought you would have referenced i just thought you would have referenced peter fonda or little l fanning at some point earlier in the story. Did I not? No, no, no. Oh, they were in the boat. Okay. Well, Elle was halfway in.

Thankfully, she fell back in. Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook Insiders. I just got a kicking button, dropping names. And the red carpet line back hallways of this industry. We call it showbiz. Yes, that's exactly right we love to look at trends we love to track their ups and downs and we love to do trend spotting i'm like a super doppler that way where i'm sort of always tracking these little bips and beeps coming into my brain

of oh this is over here and there's and that's a there's a rainstorm movies about storm coming you know um uh anarchy and it's and so that but but as you are spotting trends sometimes you're looking at a trend where you're saying i don don't spot this trend. Where is it? Yes. And it's missing and it's missing from the conversation and we need it right now more than ever. And it's a segment that we call, uh,

uh, trend, trend, notting, like not trend Nottingham. And that's when we see trends that are Nottingham there that should Ingham be there. And then maybe the sheriff of Nottingham is hoarding all the good trends and not letting and we need to be the Robin Hoods of Hollywood and go and steal the trends away and give

them to the people. The trend that we haven't seen lately in watching movies and examining them, lately there have not been any movies about babies. Thank you. Sean, I know you had some things that you wanted to say about babies in general and especially babies in movies. Babies is so punk rock and I'm talking badass i mean really think about it i mean actually use your freaking bean and actually think about it for a second and you might go like

babies straight up pee on their dad in his face that's so punk rock i'm. I don't know if Mr. Sidney Vicious ever did that. And if he did, good. He is a punk. And Babies is doing that even earlier. And while the dad is trying to help them get clean diapers. Oh, yeah. And they want the diaper, but they also want to just say, like, whatever. It's on my terms.

And that's the essence of punk rock and it's something missing from today's society and you look at movies today you used to see movies about people having to take care of babies and being scared of diabetes and burpees oh Oh, no. They don't know what to do. And also babies running amok. Large babies of unnatural size. Smashing. Being Godzilla. Babies escaping from criminals.

Where they go, yes. Yes. And today, what you see instead is a different kind of babies, which is babies grown up into... Adult. Adult. Adult. And the adult not being punk rock.

Honestly, in today's industry... Never peeing on anyone's dad, let alone their own. In today's PC Hollywood... P-no-C, no-C-P. Yes, no, yes. There's only really a couple true punks. And it's me, Hayes, Ryan Reynolds, Engineer Ryan, and babies. So if you think about it like that.

I'm sorry. We should clarify. That's Ryan Reynolds, parentheses, Engineer Ryan. Have we ever explained that before? That Engineer Ryan is Ryan Reynolds? I don't think we have. Okay, well, that's an oversight on our part. But I really think that if we just took one step back,

we could probably come up with some really good baby movies just off the top of our bean right now. Yes. For instance, what happened when a cool guy ended up with baby well and so he wants to have a baby it fits with his lifestyle oh no he's it's gonna really change oh that's funny oh oh but what if it's not him having a baby? What if it's his friend? Friend. Yeah, his friend.

Yes. Yes. So he's like, he's going, oh, come on, man. Oh, I got these two twin stewardesses coming over. And the guy's like, oh, I got to deal with the stinky diety. And sometimes maybe his friend has emergency. Oh, no. And then he and now his house becomes the baby's house for one night.

Oh, man. But he would be having a party or the baby's on cocaine. Anything can happen. This is similar to my pitch. That last element, which is a drunk baby. Ah, yes. Nothing to me is funnier than getting fucked up. And while we're on the topic of, yes, we've said weed culture,

just mentioning a specific about the way you smoke that's what i mean when i say drunk i mean doing on drug oh yeah and he's well they go hand in hand because also being so drunk and one thing people do when they're drunk is throw up and that makes me lose my shit laughing wise baby what if the baby has to like boot and rally but he has to booty and rally like they wear little booties yeah and he has to be like

he has to get like a hot chick to like burp him so he can boot and rally and rage oh and he's raging oh nice this movie sounds great so anyway that was trend nottingham and now engineer cody i know whatever you're just by your facial expression i know don't press your keyboard what are you looking at okay okay i got it just let me memorize what cody's

looking at okay i'm gonna come back with a report of what cody's looking at. Okay. I'm going to come back with a report of what Cody's looking at. Okay, Hayes is currently gathering a report of what Cody's looking at on his screen. He meant to sneak around and catch Cody's screen. I could tell from his look of concentration that it had nothing to do with the show.

Okay, I'm back with the report of what Cody was looking at. And I couldn't be more excited to learn what it is. It was Facebook. Uh-huh. But not just any Facebook. Was it a group? It was a post from the Lad Bible,

which is a Bible for lads, which is sort of like the— Naughty young lads? Yes, which is sort of like a British term for naughty boys. And it was a picture of a guy who FaceTimed his PlayStation so he could play it in the bathtub. So he had a monitor set up in his bath so he could play PlayStation while in the bath. Now, I should make this clear. We've been recording for maybe 15 minutes, and Cody was studying this picture the entire

time. It did take Hayes a little bit to put together what was going on in the picture, but Cody had, I would say, 15 times as long long and i'm still not sure he would have been able to explain it and i wouldn't say he was enjoying the picture by any means he was like dissecting it with his eyes in a way like it was like he was really concentrating very it was like he had to submit a report on each element by end of the show. Each element took a little while to absorb. The tub, first off, is probably pretty unfamiliar. I mean, let's face it.

That's not where Engineer Cody Boy is spending the bulk of his time or any time as far as I know. So the idea of playing video games in there is like he must must have gone, is that a video game lying in machine? And it's like, no, Cody, the tub is where people wash. And then he's doing something crazy in it. Yes, you're right. Anyone who has the number of rashes I've seen Cody have is not a tub guy. Yes. That's a product of a tub for existence. Do Cody, do you care to speak?

Do you want to lay it on us? What's going on with this pic for you? I'm speechless. Do you subscribe to the Lad Bible? Yeah, are you on the Lad Bible a lot? Not a lot, no, but every day. Just when it pops up. How does it pop up if you're not engaging with it?

I've never seen it. It's just tips and tricks for lads. What's the best tip you've gotten so far that you've been able to use in your own life? I like the Lifehack series. Yes, we love Lifehack. It's so cool. If you can break a parking meter you don't pay it but go ahead what's one for you

well one you could flip a table upside down and put your phone on it and put it over your head while you're laying down and then you can lay down and watch your phone to watch videos walk me through it from the beginning

will you start that over from the beginning please Well you first need a glass table Oh it's glass That helps you should imagine that And then you put it over your bed And now you just You did just wipe sweat Off your forehead

Did I imagine that No you undersold it in fact And then you put your phone on the table Did I imagine that? No, you undersold it, in fact. And then you put your phone on the table with the screen facing your way, and you look through the glass. And that way you can lay down and look up at instead of having to hold it. But the table is upside down? Maybe that was a different one.

It stuck to the ceiling or something? Oh, wait. So your table was upside down to begin with. Yeah. And so you flipped it to the traditional way we use a table. You put your phone face down on the glass, and then you lie under the table so you can now watch your phone. You're watching a movie? Yeah, or TV.

Huh. And that's better than what else? What problem that solves? Hold it. Don't hold it. Yes, yes. He's right. Don't hold it for the movie. He's right.

Or make someone else hold it. Like a table. Does it need to be on a table? No, like a person. You could make a person hold it, which would be more troublesome. There's really no other way to lie down on your back and watch your phone other than what he's describing. Hack. It's a hack.

He hacked life. I mean, I knew Cody could hack into the wires. I've seen him get in there and disrupt the show many times, but I didn't know he could hack all the way into my daily life. Wow, that's heavy. Thank you. This show is brought to you by Lad Bible. We have a great guest today.

Patrick Walsh is here. You know him. He's made many appearances on Pete Holmes' You Made It Weird, and he is a TV writer for what shows? Two Broke Girls. It's Always Sunny.

I thought we were going to do funny versions. Oh, okay. Go ahead and set me up again. For what shows? Three Broke Girls. Yes. It's Not Always Sunny.

He's coming right up on Hollywood Handbook. So I'm backstage waiting for Stephen Rube. And this is after the live office space has been touring for like a long time. Like they've been doing this show for a while. Yeah. And he comes backstage and he's like, did you see like what I what happened up there? And I was like, no, like, oh, he's like, I went out what i what happened up there and i was like no like what happened oh he's like i went out there and i'm doing the whole like have you seen my

stapler yeah it's a swing line staple yeah yeah uh and i'm at my desk and the fucking prop guy actually put a stapler on the desk oh so he's like no he's like positioning his arm and stuff so like no one can see because it's not the whole thing i'm the whole thing is that there's not supposed to be a stapler i'm cringing haze no is that true but he did he pulled it off because honestly i didn't see it well steven's a pro yes oh haze and he was pointing away a lot. Ah, yes. Which was good, because I was like- Trick of the trade.

I was sort of like, what is he pointing at? And then I guess he did. I did hear something loud going into a trash can. Oh, Hayes, that story made my butt crawl inside my stomach. It just is so cringeworthy. It puckered me up. Who wants to talk about Hollywood? Hey, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, an insider's guide to kicking butt and dropping names in

the red carpet linebacker hallways of this industry we call showbiz. What up, what up? Pat Walsh is here. And you've done Talk About It. All the stuff. What have I done? Yes. You know, I'm a television writer.

Vine megastar. Yes. What? And you're something of a podcast impresario yourself. What, with Pete Holmes? I do the rounds. I've done a couple of... You've made it weird before.

Others would say legendary appearances on Pete's show. Two of those. I've done the Gilmore Guys. I've done the reality show show. Yay. R.I.P. Ryan. Did you make the touring company of You Made It Weird? Have I been in a live one, you're saying?

No. You know how he takes the best guys. Oh, then no. And, you know, travels around. Tourco. Yeah, tourco. Cruise ships. Yeah, did you get a place in colleges?

Did you make a weird cruise? Were you on the cruise? I wasn't on the cruise. I did the Weezer cruise. And I opened for the office space touring company. Oh, wow. Just one day. That's right.

One day on a cruise. Inallas i did i did one day they're dallas they ported in dallas that's a natural fit i thought so yeah but i've known you guys forever yes yes we met at uh robert durst's easter party he took a swing at you and i said hey bob he's a good guy yeah. We were asked to leave pretty soon after. That Easter egg hunt, when you'd go to open any cabinet or something, he'd be like, don't look there. Yeah. I was like, hey, I found a bottle of poison. There's no eggs, but there's this drawer of poison.

Yeah, I found a bunch of dog legs. No, that is an egg, he said. That is an Easter egg. Congratulations. So I'm not going to walk it down to the ocean, you know, and blinked at me. Just a dog. And Sean and I dated for four years.

Yeah, I mean, on and off. It wasn't four years. On and off of each other. What a case mean, what an off. It wasn't four years. It wasn't four years off of each other. What a case of mistaken identity that was. Well, we sort of turned to each other, I guess it was four years in, and almost in unison, we said, I'm not gay.

And it was a very exciting moment. I've been living a lie. Yeah, for so long I had been so afraid to tell you because I thought, how can this not hurt his feelings right um but to find someone who understood made me love you even deeper and we dated for another year after that just because of the both fully aware we weren't gay yes and we kept trying the sex thing and it was like because when you have a moment like that where you say

something in unison with someone and it's sort of like, you know each other so well, you finish each other's. And the joke that they do is... Penises off? Yes, penises off with your mouth. I was actually going to guess. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. Yes, no, Hayes said one.

Oh, sorry. Well, we never finished. Yes. That's where you're wrong, Hayes. I wouldn't have guessed that. We never actually finished. No. In four and's where you're wrong, Hayes. I wouldn't have guessed that. We never actually finished. No. In four and a half years.

Yes. And that was- Of continuous trying. Oh my God, the trying. Yeah. It was not, it wasn't easy all the time, but we were in great shape. Sure. Sure.

I mean, it's very physical. Healthiest I've ever been. Yeah. Physically, not mentally. Emotionally, a wreck. It got very, very big. Yes, that was dark. We had that popper's year where it was like, maybe poppers will help.

Yes. And then just really pretty relentless popper's use. Oh, yeah. Anything you could think of to do with a popper, we put it there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And- Popping. A do with a popper, we put it there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Popping. Morning, noon, night, popping. But never the love that we need.

That's a lack of imagination on my part. I guess I just can't think of that many ways to do a popper. It's orally, anally, through the nose is pretty standard. Orally, which is ear, A-U-R. Yeah, don't put it in there. No, it does nothing. And it's just a waste of a good popper. Because a good popper is running you about $20 a pop.

And I don't, yes, well, that's very funny. That's where the phrase comes from. And I don't mean this to be making light of it, but it is true. Once you pop, you truly can't stop. And I know, but you can't. No. And we were unable to. And to that, we also tried to pop out of a Pringles can.

We put the popper juice. Is it a juice? It starts as a juice and becomes more of a gaseous. A gas. And we would fill the Pringles can with the juice and the gas, reseal it with the plastic lid. And then I'd be like, Sean, Sean, Sean. And he'd come over and I'd pop that top and he'd suck in a full Pringles can worth of the poppers. And still the attraction wasn't really there because, as I said, more into the ladies.

Yes. You like that. And like that and I like what I like so you guys make poppers or you have a guy we tried homemade poppers and you do organic you know we try to get into that whole craze

I want to know what's in it when you see too many ingredients it's all these chemicals whole foods I'm a label maniac and I admit that When you see too many ingredients on your poppers, it's like, go to Whole Foods. I'm a label maniac, and I admit that. To a degree, that annoyed me, if I'm being honest, now, after the fact, sometimes during our relationship. I can take that hit. Hey, I'm a big boy.

Go ahead. That drove you crazy? Yeah. Oh, yes. Hayes knows how I'm built. That's sort of what brought us to We were originally going to do a podcast about

that Dicks? The problems of having a certain stature A certain physical structure Being stacked in the slacks Yes Not so crass, but.

You're sort of tiptoeing around it. But that's a good segue because now instead of that, our podcast is about Hollywood. And we love telling Hollywood stories. And I know you are a master storyteller of all your friends and all the great relationships you've formed and working on television for so long. And we play a game called That's Wheelie Interesting. Ryan, do you have that theme song for us? Oh, my God. That's Wheelie Interesting?

You don't have a theme song? No. You were supposed to have a series of water glasses with different amounts of water in each one, remember? And each one would make a different noise. And they had numbers on them, and that was the order you were supposed to hit them in. That's what those were for? Yes. Did you drink those?

Yeah. I just met Ryan, so I hate to throw him under the bus, but before we started the podcast, we very clearly said we were going to be doing That's Wheelie Interesting. Yes. And Ryan, he gave a look that was like, I'm on it. And all that entails, we said. And I didn't see Ryan's... It sounded like a water burp to me.

I didn't see him so much as move to get ready for that segment. Well, I guess we just have to do the segment without the song, which never feels good. We have the wheel. Oh, we'll spin the wheel. That'll help. Okay, so who's going first? Whoever.

All right, Hayes, I'm going to spin the wheel for you. Okay. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa- Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip. Hey, get out of here. Hey, I'm changing in here. Hey, how'd you get in here? Sorry, mister. Is that the wheel talking? That was me getting the wheel out of the closet. And now it's time to spin it.

All that stuff at the beginning wasn't a wheel spinning? That was going to get the wheel out of the closet. And there was a guy in there. The guy was changing in there. He was nude. And I told him sorry. And I don't know why he was changing behind the wheel, but that's not... I don't bother myself with that. And let's spin it.

Zoom! And so it's done spinning. that and let's spin it zoom and so it's done spinning and wouldn't you know it it landed on db sweeney oh db sweeney sure uh 94 when he's on top uh rwanda genocide was going on at the time. People were looking for a way to laugh. I had an idea for a show called Shorties Watching Shorties, which was, of course, two babies, two cartoon babies, watching animated shorts. So you're thinking like this is like short form programming.

What about like a short form human to watch these shows? Well, is anybody in Rwanda going to relate to that? I mean, unless the babies are... Well, at least one of them has to be played by Patrice O'Neill. So that was sort of the idea. Yes, that was sort of the idea there. R.I.P. shorties watching shorties. We lost you too soon.

We should have had more seasons. Remind me who D.B. Sweeney is. Oh, well, if you... Cutting Edge? Yes. Fire in the Sky? Mm. And I think that's it.

Oh, come on. you... Cutting Edge? Yes. Fire in the Sky? Mm. And I think that's it. Oh, come on. Maybe a West Wing episode? He made some TV movies with Tia Carrera. Really? That I didn't know. I think one's called Point Blank. Okay. Yes.

Okay. That makes sense. Because we had them come in to do a short, Tia and DB, to do a short where he plays Wayne from Wayne's World, which was sort of a misconception that we had. We heard that he'd been doing stuff with Tia Carrera and we thought he must be Wayne. Or at the very least a relic hunter. Yes.

So they come in together to do the Wayne's World bit where he makes his stomach do that rolly thing. Sure. And she goes, you asshole. Oh. You know that famous bit. Yeah. Something that could really bring the Luchos and the Tutsis together.

Sure. I'd apologize for the accent. You want Tia to apologize? No, that's her voice. I'm saying in this politically sensitive time, I might say, sorry about that voice I just did. To cover your ass. But you just said it sounds exactly like what she said. Yeah, you recognized immediately.

You said that's her voice. You would prefer that I imposed a white version of my voice on her? I don't know why you needed to do the eyes. Okay. Okay. Well, that's a no because it is a – That's what she looks like. Yes, but –

And for our listeners, he brought out a giant paper fan. That's what she uses to cool herself down. I don't understand what the objection is here. But you only needed to cool yourself down because you'd been holding a walk over an open flame

leading up to doing the impression. How's she going to eat food? Which reminds me of a show I pitched to Comedy Central called Walk This Way where I taught and at the time

Speak on that please. I my agent didn't tell me when I went in that Comedy Central was strictly for jokes for laughs. So I pitched this full show about how to walk and what you were doing.

It was really based just around the pun, Walk This Way. Yes. We got picked up for three. I never had a joke. I never had a premise for it. And they just kept saying, like, look, you hooked us with Walk This Way. Yeah. So you'd be like, how do I spell it?

Where are the laughs? Where are the guests? Where are the comedian guests? Yeah. And we were canceled after one and a half. Oh, wow. Some don't even make it that far, though. No.

Go on. To you, Tia, DB. DB couldn't do the stomach thing. He's a thin man. Yeah. He was using his hands, you know, to try and like to squish it. To squish it in and out. Which is not, you know, I smelled immediately that this is not actual Wayne.

It's somebody else. Well, not immediately. No. He's fully into the pitch before you realized it wasn't Mike Myers, it sounds like to me. It was when, it sounds like to me. And your only tip-off was that he couldn't do the stomach trick. I look at his hands, that he's using his hands, and I say, I don't remember Mike using his hands to do this stomach thing. And then he starts going into the Scottish guy that, to me, sounds pretty chinese frankly okay well and i know you know something this is like sort of like an area of expertise of mine sure and so and then i i look at his what i can see

of his eyes and he's sort of like looking around shiftedly like he's like sort of getting away with something yeah so we sent him on his, and it was a cartoon show anyway, so he didn't actually need to be there doing a live action thing. And I still don't totally know who he is to this day or any of the movies that you mentioned that he was in. He was just a guy who I thought was Mike Myers for a little while. What a great piece of Hollywood lore. And that's what I love about That's Really Interesting

is you get the inside scoop of these long-time relationships that you always go like, how exactly did that start, you and DB, sort of not knowing who each other are? That's probably on our listeners' mind. Sure. Hayes and DB, where did it start? Yes, where did it end?

Because we see you guys in the magazines, you know, you're out and about, but it's like, how did they meet? How did it happen? And you can tell in some of those magazine pictures that I'm still sort of trying to figure out who he is. Yeah, yeah. Well, the one I saw, it was an Us Weekly, Stars Are Just Like Us, and it was you at a grocery store, and you're holding up a photo of Mike Myers to D.B. Sweeney in the produce section.

And I thought, what the hell is going on here? There's a lot of me. You can see on my phone Googling D.B. Sweeney question mark. Yeah. Trying to be like, you know, D.B. Cooper is somebody else. I clearly know that in these photos. He's famous crime. But who D.B. Sweeney is still eludes me because he always looks before my Google search can complete.

And then where did you meet BD Wong? Well, that's the danger that's really interesting is we can get pretty far down the rabbit hole of finding out how we met. Sure. Every single one. All these people who we don't know who they are. I was hanging out with DB and BD last week. DB and BD, yeah. At the Jurassic World premiere because BD Wong did have a sizable role in that.

They thought, who can we get from Jurassic Park? They're going 12 down the call sheet and they're like, oh, BD Wong will do it. You know who I'd be interested in to hear about with you? Yeah. We'll spin the wheel. I'll spin the wheel and we'll just pray that it lands on the one you're interested in yeah oh my god the wheels come loose from the wall oh it's crushing ryan oh he's been crushed under the wheel ryan ryan oh it's it's it's rolled back onto the wall. And, okay, it's in motion again.

J.T. Walsh. J.T. Walsh. This is an A Brief Heavy episode. I was hanging out with BD, DB, and JT for decades. We met, me and J.T. Walsh. My last name is Walsh. And so this was a big part of the question and what made it so interesting for me to ask. Sure.

I'm doing a made-for-TV movie with Candy Bergen and Ken Griffey Jr. It's Candy driving Ken Griffey around town. Sort of an inverse Daisy. That's what it was pitched at. Pitched as. Ken hated white people, both in real life and in the script. And Candy sort of helps him learn to love and appreciate whites. It was a flip. It was after Driving Miss Daisy, everybody's like, give us some more of this racist stuff.

Now, the Dan Aykroyd role in Driving Miss Daisy in our version was played by JT Walsh. This is a pre-Sling Blade, pre-Breakdown JT. Yeah. Pretty close. Yeah. So they said, who can you get? And at the time, I'm a hotshot screenwriter. I got this really exciting piece of racist writing that I've been working on. And I said, look, it's really Brandon Walsh, who's fictional. It's Brenda Walsh, who's fictional. And then JT Walsh, who's a real actor. These are the people that I knew.

They're in my family. So I'm at the reunion. I walk over to JT. I go, Jates, will you play the son of Candy Bergen? And he goes, I've done it. Can I play the daughter of Candy Bergen? Now, JT was quite mad at this point. He had lost his mind. People don't know that about him.

He came in for the role completely dressed as a woman. It was not convincing. He didn't even do a voice. He kept his same sort of gravelly thing. That's not the equivalent of the Dan Aykroyd role. It wasn't at all. At this point, things started...

Because you said Dan Aykroyd role, but that should have been Ken Griffey Jr.'s son, Ken Griffey III. Because you said Dan Aykroyd role, but that should have been Ken Griffey Jr.'s son, Ken Griffey III. Or daughter. Dan Aykroyd was Tandy's. You could tell from which color the person, and this is not supposed to be mean. No, no, no, no. But you could tell from which color when you're looking. Yeah, is that okay?

Am I allowed to say that? Because apparently a lot of stuff has been offensive today. All these new rules. This explains why the AD kept saying, I don't think they're going to buy JT as Ken Griffey Jr.'s son, let alone daughter. Yes. JT and I, you know, we hit up along John Silver's. I say, JT, it ain't working out, baby.

It ain't working out. You know, you know, you always soften a blow like that in Hollywood with some hush puppies. And I thought I was done with Hollywood when, when the, when the suits came down to set and saw what I was doing here. Yeah.

Ken Griffey Jr. And Candy Bergen in kind of a bad car set. Like the car wasn't even convincing. We had a canoe that they put headlights on and there were two guys kind of rocking it back and forth, but not even in a convincing manner. Like they would rock it all the way to the left, all the way to the right. In the reverse direction of the way the steering wheel is going, is my understanding. Well, Candy couldn't get that down.

I said, Candy, you got to steer with some – just like you're driving a car. She does inverted controllers on Xbox and stuff. Candy looks at me. She goes, A, I've never driven a car. I said, well, you could have probably told me that in the odd dish. She goes, B, my right is my left. My left is my right. I said, okay. I wish we'd gone with Delta Burke

because Delta was very interested. She's got that and she has that down. The issue with Delta Burke at the time was she was married to Gerald McRaney and he and I had never gotten along. We had a falling out on the set of Major Dad where I said, look, I think they should call this show Major Asshole because of the way you're dealing with the people on staff. That feels like bait. Yeah.

No, I knew what I was going to answer. I knew what I was going to answer. Because the way the story started, I sort of felt like the breakdown was a result of some sort of misunderstanding or something. But you're taking it right to him. I mean, you're mid-misunderstanding at that point. You were saying it was as a result of you saying that. I made it pretty clear. But it seems like something happened before that.

It seems like something had already precipitated. That doesn't feel like the beginning of the story. I also, and I'll save this for the autobiography. I was madly in love with Delta Burke at this point. Yes. I've always loved a full-figured gal. Southern to boot, sign me up. And Gerald knew that.

And Gerald felt threatened by me. I was 14 years old at the time. and Gerald felt threatened by me. You know, I was 14 years old at the time. He knew I had a TV movie going with KGJ, Candy Bergen, a canoe car set, JT Walsh in drag playing Ken Griffey's daughter. I was kind of the toast of the town at that point. And a bod that refused to quit.

A rod? Well, Pat. I thought you said a rod that refused to quit. A rod? Well, Pat. I thought you said a rod that refused to quit. I said bod. Oh, a bod that refused to quit. Now, is the rod part of the bod? Yes. Did it also refuse to quit? To me, the rod is the bod.

Having seen the show when it did go up, your driving Mr. Kenny show. Driving Mr. Griffin. Yes. Sorry. movie driving yeah mr kenny show yeah driving mr griffin yes sorry what the mocap suit that candy bergen is wearing was that supposed to become like a like a limo driver great question great question i had the same were you hoping to use some kind of effect to turn that into something else okay uh when we brought in suit, it was a mohair suit. And Candy goes, again, this is an issue.

I'm highly allergic to mohair. I went over to the AD. I go, you know who isn't? Fucking Delta Burke, who I had in my hand and turned away at the last minute. So I said, well, look, we'll do it in this mocap. We put her with the ping pong balls and everything. And then we ran out of money. So when the movie hit the air, as you saw it on CBS, right after 60 Minutes in 1986, she was just wearing the motion capture suit, and we never explained it.

There was a lot of questions. We didn't have the money to fill in the suit. Well, a lot of people are touching it acting like it's fine mohair. Smelling it very deeply. Ken Griffey tucks himself into it and falls asleep.

Which finally made the sleep mask he had on make sense to me. Because for a lot of the film, I'm going how does he even have license to be racist towards this woman? He can't possibly see her through the sleep mask. And what was the story with that? Oh, boy.

The issue there, Ken Griffey Jr. had a pretty advanced case of macular degeneration. Couldn't see a thing. So I'm like, Ken, how are you hitting these grand slams at the ballpark? Then you come in here and you're blind as a bat. I never got an answer to that, frankly. I think maybe he was messing with it. It could have been sonar. The bad thing.

So he insisted on wearing the sleep mask. Again, we thought we would sort of CGI that out. And no one told me at the time that CGI wasn't even invented. No, yeah. I go up to ILM. I go, hey, can you take the sleep mask off? Can you also take the mocap suit off Candy Bergen? Cause I got this thing premiering in two weeks. And he says, look, I'm deep in post-pro on Howard, the doc. I'm talking about George Lucas. Yes.

And we don't really have time for a CBS made forfor-TV movie. I said, okay. Believe you me, there were a lot of questions about this. I mean, every scene of the movie was baffling. People have a lot of theories. What you mentioned about a lot of people commenting on the fine texture of the mohair suit, I mean, I wrote a lot of mohair material, beautiful mohair material. Oh, yes. Poetic monologues about mohair for pages and pages of the film. It's sort of the climactic speech of the movie. When Ken Griffey collapses in Candy Bergen's arms at the end of the movie and says,

I love you and I love your sweet, sweet mohair suit as the final line of the movie. The fact that it wasn't mohair, did that hurt us come Emmy time? Yeah, I think probably it did. And that was the final line of the movie, but that line was also set at seven or eight different points in the movie. So it's something of a callback at that point. Yeah. And calling it, you know,

mohair, just simply mohair is what I called the film. Mm-hmm. Again, the heads of CBS at that time were like, look, Pat, we got JT.

We got Candy. We got Ken Griffey Jr. You can't call this thing mohair. Call it ping pong ball suit. You know, have the last line be, I love the sweet feel of ping pong balls against my skin. Yeah, ADR and some ping pong ball dial. I said it's all going to work out, and it didn't.

And it honestly blacklisted me for about six years. Oh, yeah, it was. You were almost 20 before. I was nearly 20. You then got back into the game in a big, big way and made a big old splash. I thought it was purgatory. That was what my theory was, that these characters were in purgatory.

And that sort of explained some of the weird details. For decades now, I will not answer any questions, but I want people to kind of take it. Every movie is sort of what it means to you. Another theory I had is that you maybe thought mocap was short for mohair capture. It was. At that time, it was. I thought that it was they were inside a witch's crystal ball and that she was sort of manipulated. And that's why the canoe's turning the opposite way and all these things.

And I kept waiting for us to sort of pan out. There is a cackle, sort of an echoing cackle. Yes, through a, yes. Off camera. At that time, J.T. Walsh, and again, if anyone had made me aware of this, would have been very appreciative. J.T. Walsh had a real problem with just uncontrollable cackling and ruined many, many takes. So now, again, I'm like, well, we'll fix it in post. We'll take those cackles out.

Look, I'll say it again. I ran out of money. I ran out of time. I wasn't ready at that point to direct this movie. At 14. But, you know, it's found its following. And, you know, I think the people at Hallmark Hall of Fame liked the box office that it did, the home box office. To me, it's better than Bad Boys, your film.

Now, why would you compare the two? Bad Boys with Martin Lawrence and Will Smith? Or Bad Boys with Sean Penn? Oh, for me, it's better than Bad Boys with martin lawrence and will smith oh is that sort of your gold standard um you know i think it is okay it's a great film yeah that's your gold standard but this movie is better yes that's my gold standard and then this movie i guess is platinum or something because to me it's better than Bad Boys. Shall I spin the wheel for you, Sean? That's what you call Dennis the Menace as well.

Pat, would you spin the wheel for me? Mason Gamble. Dennis the Menace? Well, that's what you call the movie Dennis the Menace. Am I Gold Standard or Platinum? No, Bad Boys. Or Bad Boys. Yeah, so that's what I thought you referred to originally.

Dennis the Menace is my favorite Mason Gamble, Christopher Lloyd movie. That's an interesting choice. It's not a popular choice, but it is mine. Sean, I'm going to spin the wheel for you. Please. Okay. Okay. Okay, and I got Bradley Whitford.

Oh, please don't make me tell this one. Can we please spin it again? Well, let me check the rules. I'm happy. I'm always happy to check the rules. Okay. It says any spin of the wheel must be that story you have to tell. The story, the name of the person that is on the wheel.

But I didn't know it was going to land on Bradley Whitford. Can't we spin it again, Hayes? Well, let me check what happens if you don't. If you don't tell the story in the wheel, right as soon as the wheel says you have to tell that story you have to give Ryan a kiss on the cheek. Yuck! Pooey! Okay, fine.

Alright, fine. Look at Ryan's face light up though by the way. He loves it. He washed his cheek. Yeah. So, I'm captaining a submersible searching for the lost island of Atlantis. Why would you not want to tell this story? You'll see.

I'll see. Now, some of the bolts start to shoot out of the side of the ship because, of course, the pressure's intense. We're going to depths they've never seen before. To me, the real space to explore is not the one up above us, but, of course, the one right here on Earth. Ocean's the new space. Oh, the ocean is definitely the new space.

And that's what I was trying to tell Bradley. So he tells me, we got to pull up, we got to pull up. And I go, we can't pull up too fast. The pressure inside the cabin will make our whole heads explode. And he goes,

give me that wheel. And I go, no Bradley. And I did something I never thought I'd do. I started to try to slap him. Oh, my God. I'm not proud of it. And I could have stood here and I could have lied to you boys about what I did on that submarine.

You just tried to slap him. No, no, no, no. You started to try i got my hand about halfway up from my waist where it was you know framed around my big old belt buckle i had been sort of brandishing the belt buckle to let him know who's the boss it said captain sean on it trying to blind him yes i was also trying to shine the light right into his eyes. Now, it was not the correct spelling of Sean. Can you speak to that? Okay, well, you know, I can speak to it,

but I think you'd have an easier time asking Miss Sherry Stringfield because she is the one who I sent down to the laser cutter to make this belt buckle into something I could be proud of. And I said, just make it my name. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And, of course, you know the way she wound up spelling it. S-H-A-W-N-E.

Mm-hmm. Well, imagine my embarrassment later that night when I put it on without reading it and went to hug my mom. And she thought that I was someone else. And she looks down. That's your crotch. Imprinted in her belly backwards is the wrong name. Yes, because it was a big hug, a good one.

And it wound up permanently bruising her and sort of a tattoo of the wrong spelling of one of her son's names. Much the way the Wet Bandits are now permanently branded with the doorknob initial of the McAllisters. Right. What a harsh reminder. Sherry was never seen or heard from again. She's a pretty well-known actress right oh uh yeah i think she was actually i think she was heard from oh yes she was seen on television and heard from in hollywood she became a famous actress but she doesn't run laser cutting errands anymore that's for sure absolutely Absolutely. Nowhere near them.

And she's not allowed to be the headmistress of the spelling bee anymore. Now. Now you're starting to try to slap Bradley Whitford. I'm starting to. So I've got my hand about halfway off my belt buckle. He catches my arm, breaks it. Oh my God. And I think, I can't believe what I almost did and thank goodness I stopped myself.

Yeah, that could have really gotten hairy if you'd actually tried to slap him. Oh gosh, yeah, no, I don't think we'd be even talking about him at this point. I'd be in prison and he'd be, well, in the murky depths of the

ocean, bobbing. Oh, so if you had really gone for it, you think that you would have... I would have slapped him clean out of the... If I land a slap on him from where I was positioned, he shoots into the periscope and then shoots out the lens as like a sort of goo. So luckily that didn't happen. He breaks my arm. I reset it.

No harm, no foul. I start steering the thing. And off in the distance, I get a glimpse. I can see what I believe to be Atlantis. And I say,adley that's it all's forgiven right who comes swimming out of the bubble surrounding the lost time of atlantis but a Gungan. From Star Wars? Yes.

But like for real? A real Gungan. Well, they had to put them somewhere when they got rid of them from the movie. Right. They dumped them into the ocean and they bred. Do you not know about this? I really don't. Yeah.

They told them that there was apples of the ocean. Refresh my memory. What is a gunkan? Is it Jar Jar? It's a mystical creature with war powers. Does Jar Jar love apples? Loves apples. Yes.

He still loves apples. I've got to pop in one quick cue. Why? Very unorthodox, but I'll allow it. Why has the government entrusted you and Bradley Whitford on this mission to find Atlantis? Oh, please. It's not the American government. Yeah.

Say no more. It's not a government you've heard of. But like, why were you the two? Me and Bradley? Yeah. Well, I mean, he has some political experience. So we thought he could be a good diplomat. I feel like you're blurring a little bit scripted stuff and what actually happens in real life.

Like he doesn't have it. Please explain. in real life. Like he doesn't have it. Please explain. He portrayed hotshot attorney Jack Whitlock

on the West Wing. I made all of that up, but he was on the West Wing. No, that's right. Speak on that. That is right? Just a shot in the dark. Speak on that.

And he wasn't actually that. He's just an actor. He's married to the mom from either Everybody Loves Raymond or Knock on the Metal. Yeah. With's just an actor. He's married to the mom from either Everybody Loves Raymond or Knock on the Metal. Married to the mom? Yeah. With Michelle Pfeiffer.

He's married to that movie? Well, he dated that movie. Well, be that as it may, Pat, he was my co-captain and... And he was in that Will.i.am video, I think, that got Obama elected elected so that is

political experience if i've ever heard of any and if you recall blue bloods i think he was eating a chili dog with a mustache so it's not all as black and white as you want to make it out to be and sean can hold his breath for a really long time if you were wondering why they would pick Sean. How I got in there? I didn't question why Sean was on there. Sean's a nautilus. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yes, I'm a workout machine. Yeah. Now, when I see the gungan, I know we made a wrong turn somewhere. So I say, B-dub, I mean, you got to wheel it around. He goes, no. I go, am I going to have to start to try to slap this guy again? Inside my head. I don't do it.

Instead. Are you even starting to start to slap him or not even there yet? No. No. God, no. No. That, oh, gosh, I shudder to think. Thinking about starting to slap him. Which probably costs you a pinky or two. slap them or not even there yet no no god no no that oh you're thinking about thinking about

starting which probably costs you a pinky or two well uh yes that's true he saw the glint in my eye and he did uh shoot down grab my hand which i which was my good slapping hand and uh shattered several of the metatarsals? No, carpals. Tarsals and carpals. But anyway, my hand sprouted webs and I sprouted gills in my neck and I burst out of the top of the submarine, left him there. And if he wanted to deal with those Gungans,

more power to him. And I swam around, lived in the ocean. So that was probably the first time he and I worked together and i think we also hung out a little bit around the time of what was the show you said he was in west wing right the west so we have kind of two experiences together. Right. Now, you said it was Atlantis.

No, I assumed it was Atlantis because what I saw was an island surrounded by a bubble with what I assumed to be merpeople swimming around it. But instead, what it was was some sort of Gungan colony. Oh, okay. Which is like, no thanks. Did you ever find Atlantis? Oh, Pat, that's a story for another wheel spin. Yeah, you're not allowed. Let me check the rule book.

Yes, please get into the rules, Hayes, before Pat humiliates himself. The price for asking for an extra story, and that's really interesting, is giving Ryan a kiss right on his little nose. Do I have to do that? If you want to ask the question. Let me check the rule book. He has to. Pucker up that nose, Ryan.

Oh, he is actually doing it. I didn't think he was going to be able to pucker up his nose. Two words, Ryan? Biore strip. Did you ever find Atlantis? Your mouth looks like a cactus. That's disgusting. Yes, I did.

Awesome. Congrats. It was in Georgia. No shit. Now this I like. I wish we could explore that joke further. Joke, yes. It's too bad.

Do we have time to go into that joke? It's too bad we've run out of time because that really is a rich joke area. The Atlantis Braves. I mean, it is so good. I call it Hotlantis. This is all such good stuff. This is a whole podcast unto itself. Should we ask Lauren if we could get an extra half hour?

Or that's not enough time, Hayes. Well, thank you so much, Pat, for being here in the studio and doing the show and for playing this game with us. Thanks, Pat, for sharing your stories and for making it weird with us. What a brave man. Thank you. And so we all had fun. And I remember that I really want you guys to like us on Facebook, rate us on iTunes, talk to us on the forums,

and tell your friends and please be nice. That's important to me as well. Be good to each other. And we want to give out the pro version to a very special listener. And Sean, who is that? Well, as you know, Eliza Muffins is the listener who won the pro version this week. And she gets to hear a great story just for her from Pat Walsh about how exactly JT Walsh died. Oh, and it can only be about 30 seconds long at the outside. Just the really, really short, because I know you could go on for a long

time about this, but how exactly did he... JT was having a heart attack and I shot him in the face. Bye! Bye!

And I shot him in the face. Bye. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. Earwolfradio.com The Wolf Dead. That was a HeadGum Podcast.